Manstagram, interventions, reverse devil horns, escaping Jimmy Fallon at the gas pump, Lacy’s Instagram predictions, a condom allergy, the capacity for love, the male pill, car dealerships, tearing off the protective covers on electronics, sounds to make when you climax, Kim Jung Un, the anti-hero for our age, and a very “artistic” erotic story; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Playmate, For-Real Journalist.
People in California who drive like idiots in the rain.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
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One day, two things are going to collide that begin the end of the world–the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of the apocalypse. It will be a perfect storm of manipulation, cost-benefit analysis (and our terribleness at it), and the media’s need to compulsively shove Jimmy Fallon in our faces like a guy trying to get his dick sucked 24-hours a day. One day, scientists are going to invent little television screens that can go directly into your eyelids. Then, a huge industry of con artists and salesmen will explode overnight to bully, manipulate, and deceptively coerce you into installing these hunks of techno-shit in your head, and then once the whole world is wired up, some sick fuck is going to put Jimmy Fallon on them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Jimmy Fallon while you eat. Jimmy Fallon while you take a shit. You’ll meet your wife with Jimmy Fallon. You’ll raise your kids with Jimmy Fallon. You’ll kill yourself with Jimmy Fallon. It’s the end of the world, and it’s already started on those video screens at gas pumps, but first…
Car salesmen being grotesque scumbags is a tired meme for a reason, they are intensely grotesque scumbags. But it’s not their fault! There’s no such thing as an honest car salesman because the big car companies need them to be exactly that: completely dishonest. Ford, GM, Chrysler, et al; they don’t merely turn a blind eye to the sickening, high-pressure, normal-weekend-night-out-for-a-moderately-attractive-woman sales atmosphere that is buying a car to continue in America, they encourage it. They are directly responsible for its proliferation and its innovations, and they’ve structured every single aspect of car buying, which could be replaced with a website, around it. They need these kind of relentless, high-pressure bullshit because buying a car is a stupid purchase made by dumb idiots, and this week that dumb idiot is me.
We bailed them out to rip us off. And my snake is stepped on, but that’s ethics in corporate America for you, a landscape that increasingly looks like a frat house: treat them like dirt and they’ll stick to you like mud. Or at least business in America seems to look more and more like a frat house if I’m learning about it on the news, a landscape that increasingly looks like The Apple Dumpling Gang.
In this episode, I air out my stepped on snake as I go over the obtuse, mathematically-illiterate hell that is buying a car. In my defense, I was weak, and I was so tired of driving around town in a squeaking space pod that was old enough to vote, which you can hear in Dick Ridin’ episodes available on The Dick Show Patreon, I would have made a deal with the devil to escape it. I can still hear the squeaking in my dreams.
Thumbnail of Omens by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.