Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Allegra Ringo
Transcribed by Philipp Brodka
Dick: (cheerful) Yeah! Everybody welcome to Dick! The Dick Show. It’s what you need, it’s what you want. Dick! It’s the show that stands for something.(Sean chuckling in the background)
Dick: It’s the only show, it’s the only podcast where everything is a contest –(Allegra laughing in the background)
Dick: - is that fair to say? I am your host Dick Masterson. With me (exhales audibly), with me as always, from the very beginning, my good friend and audio engineer Sean.
Sean: (acknowledging) Dick.
Dick: Hey what’s up buddy!
Sean: (chuckling) how’s it going!
Dick: How’re you doing?
Sean: I’m okay.
Dick: (pleased) you’re okay. With me also today is temporary co-host for his show, for this episode, my very good friend, who is a writer for Vice, co-host of the “Can I Pet Your Dog” Podcast… am I forgetting anything else? -
Allegra: Nope, that’s it.
Dick: - and renowned “Comedienne” -
Allegra: (bursting out laughing) You!
Dick: - on, on twitter –
Dick: - and known to me and many, many thousands of people: Allegra Ringo!
Allegra: (cheerily) Hello!
Dick: Was that insulting? It was the word -
Allegra: No. It’s funny you used the word “Comedienne”, cause no one says it anymore –
Dick: (firm) renowned Comedienne –(Allegra laughing out loud)
Dick: - Allegra Ringo.
Allegra: Thank you, thanks for having me.
Dick: You’ve been called the, (pondering), the clown of feminism.
Allegra: (chuckling) yes.
Dick: Is that true?
Allegra: By a Vice commenter, that is correct.
Dick: Okay, we’ll get to that in a minute –
Allegra: We’ll get into that.
Dick: (trying to find the right words) let’s just right off the bat – let’s say, let’s say, uh, an opposing ideology.
Dick: For all, for all the fans of this show.
Allegra: It’s true.
Dick: Well, I don’t want to speak for all of them, but for a lot.
Dick: Definitely for me, what I’ve established that – as online, right? Okay. Welome to Dick. Also I wanna thank wauterboi for that amazing themsong. I think there was an Obama in there. Did you catch that?
Allegra: I couldn’t keep em straight.
Dick: A lot of dicks in there. –
Allegra: Yeah, a lot of dicks.
Dick: It’s hard to keep track of all the dicks.
Sean: (judgingly) slippin’ an Obama?(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: Yeah, you slippin’ an Obama? Okay. Uhm… there’s a. there’s a big elephant in the room, right? I wanna, I wanna ask you guys a question. I wanna open with a question. Always open with a question to all my guests, right? Uhm, do I look like a dark wizard to you? -(Short silence, then Allegra chuckling)
Allegra: I –
Dick: When you look at me do I, do I have pale skin? Do I have slits for nostrils? Do I look like I carry a wand… in any way or that I am familiar with the dark arts?
Allegra: No, but what’s the follow up question?
Dick: Do I, do I look like I might have been born to muggle parents, and that I somehow learned wizardry and magic? And that I tried to commit some kind of, uh, racial genocide, with – among wizards? (Short pause) Do I look like Voldemort in some way is what I’m asking. Sean you’re smiling.
Sean: I have no idea where you’re going with this. Something tells me I’m not gonna like it.
Dick: (drawn out) Why? Why was I not mentioned. Voldemort –(Allegra laughing)
Dick: - is he who not, who can not be named. Do I look like a Voldemort?
Allegra: I don’t think so.
Dick: Then why, why is anyone trying to fuck me like a Voldemort?
Allegra: Is that what happens to Voldemort? I haven’t seen the movies.
Dick: No, no I’m referring to… look. We gotta, we gotta address the… we gotta address the death of… of… possibly the greatest podcast in history. This is the only podcast episode where we’re starting with a moment of silence, right? I mean I think we, I think, I think we owe it to the fans of that podcast. Because, uh, it was a surprise. It was a surprise to everyone. And what I wasn’t expecting was really the, the hundreds of emails and comments - maybe even a thousand – online of people who said that show really meant something to them. So I do wanna take a minute and thank every, everybody all the fans for participating in that show. Listening to that show, tuning in. Because when people invest their time in something like that, just, just as a listener, when people invest their time just a listener who listens to the show, I think that’s a big commitment. Allegra you, you run a podcast.
Allegra: I do.
Dick: You’re the co-host of a podcast.
Allegra: I do.
Dick: Can I pet your dog.
Allegra: That’s right.
Dick: Right. And I think you, you would say the same thing probably of your audience. When they tune in, when they listen, when they get invested to the show.
Dick: It’s… it’s a special thing -
Allegra: It is!
Dick: - from their side.
Sean: It’s hard to get dogs to sit still that long.
Dick: It is hard. So do you guys interview dogs? -
Allegra: No, -
Dick: - For anybody?
Allegra: - just people, sorry. Everyone asks us that. (chuckling) But sometimes people bring their dogs in.
Dick: Well I’ve been uh… I wanna address this right off the top. I’ve been a part of, of a lot of… of a lot of projects, big and small, that end in ways. Some, some quietly, some spectacularly, but they end. And it feels – and after every one there is a tremendous sense of loss, right? Because especially a show like that. Especially show like Biggest Problem, where everyone is, is very uh… is very engaged. Uh… it brings out a lot of strong emotions on either side, because it is a contentious show, it’s a debate show. (Towards Allegra) Did you ever listen to an episode?
Allegra: Yeah! I did.
Dick: Okay. You know what I’m talking about.
Sean: One! Right? One episode.(Allegra laughing)
Allegra: One episode.
Dick: Did I win on that episode that you listened to?
Allegra: I actually don’t remember. I listened to a few. I don’t remember.
Dick: Aw. That’s, that’s very nice of you.(Allegra laughing in the background)
Dick: I’ve listened to a couple of episodes of your show as well. I (suppressing a laugh) So… a show like that ends. As I was saying: projects of any size, they end for whatever reason. And it’s always like ‘well, you know, fuck it’. Like you realize in that moment how your entire – it’s not about, it’s not about the time invested – it’s not about… - it’s about how being a part of that thing has changed the way you think all the time. You know you’re going around – especially in a show like Biggest Problem – you’re going around all week and everything you see is a big problem. Like every interaction you have with anybody they mention the show. They mention – they, they throw you something that they wanna see on the show. Right? It becomes a significant part of your life. And then it’s gone and it’s just… bloop! Outta there, right? This time – it’s happened to me before – this time was the only time where there has been, I mean out of nowhere, there was hundreds of emails that the day, the day that that episode launched on Tuesday, Sean, I immediately got a deluge of emails from people who were in abject sorrow about this show. You know, sorrow, gratitude, uh, they were posting on the subreddit what the show meant to me. They’re all, you know, you look at it from a bird’s eye view and they’re all, you know dealing with, dealing with loss, they’re dealing with grief, like they’re constructing their own fan… uh… fanfic episodes. Oh they’re great.
Allegra: (surprised) Really?
Dick: Oh they’re great. They’re hilarious. Like they –
Allegra: Oh that’s awesome.
Dick: - they have little robots reading them -(Allegra yells gleefully)
Dick: - for the fanfic episodes. They’re hilarious. Uhm… but I’ve never gotten that kind of support from anything that’s ever gone bust in a hurry. You know what I’m saying? And that, from the bottom of my heart – (mumbling) I’ve never said those words before, that’s why it’s weird to say – uh… to all the fans who sent me their support of emails, to all the fans who were supporting me on Patreon supporting this show. Seriously (dramatic pause) go fuck yourselves. Appropriate.(Sean and Dick both in an agreeing tone)
Dick: Absolutely.(Allegra giggling)
Sean: I expect nothing less.
Dick: No, thank you very much. And part of the reason is why I wanted to get this show up as quickly as possible was I think everybody is owed – I think everybody is owed some kind of… I think they’re owed a statement on it. Like we have to address it in some way. That many people - that many people tune in every week and you owe them something, right? (Towards Allegra) You could understand that from your show, Allegra.
Dick: Uhm, your show is about dogs.
Dick: People are very passionate about their dogs.
Allegra: Also correct.
Dick: Also correct! Are they as passionate about their dogs as they are about getting pee stains on their pants?
Allegra: From the dogs?
Dick: No from themselves.
Allegra: Oh! Uhm I would say they are more passionate about their dogs. And I would say again ‘what’s the follow up question?’
Dick: No that was- that was one of our biggest problems in the universe.
Allegra: Oh, pee stains in your pants?
Dick: Piss driblets, yeah. Piss driblets.
Allegra: Does that happen?
Dick: Ugh… yeah.(Allegra exhaling uncomfortably)
Dick: For men, yeah, that’s a big- see with your, maybe you don’t know that’s kinda stuff in your feminist circles –(Allegra laughing loudly)
Dick: - but that’s something men have to deal with is pee stains – piss driblets. Pee stains on our pants. I got a number of emails about it but, you know, it’s people who are – people who are in the national service. This guy (unintelligible name) wrote in “I currently serve in national service. Every weekend I come home I’ll be listening to these problems. Now fuck! What the fuck happened? I got one less thing to look forward to every weekend. Out of my fucking forsaken army camp.”(Allegra bursting out in laughter)
Dick: I sincerely hope it’s a joke. There you go. It’s like – it’ just – it’s numerous. I think I do owe an explanation to all the fans. So this is, this is maybe the last problem I’ll bring in we could say if it would have been. Cause everybody is asking. You know, everybody is asking why. What the hell happened, what the hell happened. And they’re not hearing anything. You know, they’re not getting a response. So I could go through and answer every email and every comment individually but I figure this is the best way to do it. And the simplest and the most accurate is: artistic differences. Which if you’ve seen it before. Like you, every one of you knows what that means, right? Because at some point things just can’t proceed anymore. At some point there is too many disagreements to proceed anymore. It’s just, for whatever it is, who’s ever involved, it doesn’t work anymore. In uh… in a marriage they’ll call that irreconcilable differences. Right? Politically they’ll call it diplomatic immunity. Right? Can’t touch me, it’s diplomatic immunity, right? But we call it artistic differences because at this point I’m not a reliable narrator, you know. When it’s between two people, when something is between two people no one outside can be an objective referee and those two people themselves can no longer be objective referees. You know, that’s why It’s called, that’s why it’s simply artistic differences and we’ll leave it at that. Uhm… I would also like to say: hey! Thank you for Maddox for the Biggest Problem in the Universe. It was a – it was a really great show. And no matter what we do here trying to come up with this show was like coming up with a show after Seinfeld. Right? Like t can’t – it can’t be done. The chemistry and the premise of Biggest Problem was to me very much like Seinfeld. It’s something that came together because of the people involved. And it’s something that came together because of the idea of the show. Like, you can’t just – the first thing I wanted to do when it was over, when I was talking about registering domain names, the first thing I wanted to do when – when it was over was like “Hey, let’s uh… let’s do like the uh… Not the Biggest Problem… Let’s do the Greatest… Difficulty… in… in the room.(Allegra chuckling understandingly)
Dick: Let’s do the worst issue of the seven seas. –(Allegra beginning to laugh)
Dick: - that sounds normal. Right? And you come up with 10.000 versions of that. But it’s all the same thing and it still, it still doesn’t work. Because that show we came in hot every episode. We came – Sean you were there –we’d come in, man, you’d come – you’d think about it all week. And you would come into that show ready to go, guns blazing. I’m really gonna – I’m REALLY gonna knock this one out of the park, right? Like “oh man! Income tax! I’m gonna come in with income tax. Maddox is gonna say this, I’m gonna say this. Maddox is gonna say this, I’m gonna say this – Fans are gonna think this. And I’m totally gonna make my case for why Income Tax is the – the worst thing in the world, why it’s theft, why even the premise of it is theft.” And that was – that was what you planned for all week. That was what you planned for all week. All these weird contingencies and imaginary arguments. And that’s kinda what everyone does. Like everybody has imaginary arguments in their head. All day every week I think. Like “oh I’m gonna go into work, and this bitch – and Kelly, I’m gonna try to get this meeting moved from 4:50 to 1:30 the next day so I can go pick up my kids from soccer practice or whatever and I know (grinding his teeth) Kelly is gonna say no. And she’s gonna say no because of this. And she’s gonna say no because of this. And she’s thinking this. But I’m gonna say this, I’m gonna take this one and screw over with this. I’m gonna – I’m gonna remind everbody of when she took off a day early, right? And we all covered her for Memorial Day weekend of something like that, right?” That’s like – that’s how we spend our lives. And that’s why the Biggest Problem was great, right? Cause it was all those things. It was all that build-up. You’d come in hot, it was all that build-up all week and you’d come in and you (looking for the right words) put it behind something like… “Other people shitting in your toilet who aren’t you” –(Allegra giggling affirmatively)
Dick: - which is a huge problem. I mean other people – I don’t know, is that a –
Allegra: Oh Yeah, that’s a huge problem.
Dick: - yeah. Is other dogs –(Allegra busting out chuckling)
Dick: - it’s like other dogs shitting in your yard -(Allegra making a contemplative sound)
Dick: - that aren’t your dog.
Sean: Neck in neck with piss driblets.
Dick: It’s offensive.
Allegra: (agreeing) It’s offensive.
Dick: It’s offensive. So you bring that all in but that’s… you can’t just recreate that. I don’t think it would work to recreate, that’s all I’m saying. However I will say this. Allegra.
Dick: I wanted you to be on this show. -
Dick: - We’re done with the griefing and the moment of silence by the way.
Allegra: (In comic disbelief) That was a moment of silence?
Sean: that’s as silent as he gets.
Allegra: (laughing) That was like twelve minutes of talking.
Dick: How do you – what do you mean. Isn’t that what – as soon as they say moment of silence I immediately start ranting.
Allegra: That sounds right.
Dick: Oh yeah. Okay. Allegra I probably should have done this at the beginning of this show –
Allegra: (Still laughing) Okay, god!
Dick: - because that was just me screaming a lot. But I have, I have – so I want – as I’m saying I’m interviewing co-hosts ,right?. Replacement co-host. So I’ve got some – and I want the fans to decide –
Allegra: Okay! Great.
Dick: - because the fans have been so supportive so far, you know, they’ve come out and drove to support the Patreon – I’ve got a bunch of awesome comments from the fans, but I want them to be able to vote on who is taking the place of… of a legend –
Allegra: Oh my god.
Dick: - basically. You know? And I think – I think everyone I bring in hear I think could do it -
Allegra: Okay… ugh.
Dick: - right? But I have some questions for you –
Dick: - because it’s a big – it’s big shoes to love up to –
Dick: - you know what I’m saying? Maddox is a… is a rage … a rage machine you might say.
Allegra: (giggling) Yeah!
Dick: And he’s like that in real life -
Allegra: It’s true!
Dick: which you know. Which you know. And the out of the box thinking… it’s out of dimension thinking, you know. I got something – you have no idea where it’s coming from sometimes. You think you know the box, but you just – you realize when you’re talking to him like “oh I was in a whole other box –(Allegra laughing)
Dick: - that he has now thought me completely out of”, right? But there’s gotta be a replacement.
Dick: Because that’s the name of the show. Because that’s the name of the game.
Allegra: Ugh… that’s so much pressure.
Dick: There’s always – it’s so much pressure, but I… I have faith in you, so I got a couple, I got some questions -
Allegra: Okay, I’m ready.
Dick: - like an interview.
Allegra: Okay great!
Dick: like the most… the most fun thing in life. Like a job interview.
Allegra: (sarcastically) An interview. Sure my favourite thing.
Allegra: I think we all love a job interview.
Dick: Yeah exactly. I’ve got one to play into your strengths. Right?
Allegra: Okay! Great.
Dick: You’re a dog expert –(Allegra nodding)
Dick: - presumably. –
Allegra: I am.
Dick: - You talk about dogs on your dog podcast every week –
Allegra: That’s right.
Dick: “Can I Pet your Dog”.
Allegra: That’s right.
Dick: So you know everything about dogs?
Allegra: I like to think so.
Dick: (matter of fact-ly) You Like to think so.
Allegra: Ugh… I… I don’t wanna say that before you ask me question. (with a smile) But okay, go ahead, go ahead I’m ready.
Dick: You know every – what’s something you don’t know about dogs?
Allegra: I don’t know what I don’t know!
Dick: There you go –
Dick: Everything – you know everything about dogs.
Sean: So far everything about dogs.
Allegra: Okay. Great.
Dick: Everything about dogs.
Allegra: So far everything.
Dick: Okay here’s my question.
Dick: What’s the best dog to use… to pick up women?
Allegra: (after a short pause) Oh, the best…
Dick: Good question!
Sean: It’s a Dick question.
Dick and Allegra in unison: It’s a Dick question.
Allegra: Interesting. Uhm-… I’m gonna say…
Dick: There is a correct answer.
Allegra: (In disbelief) There is?
Dick: Yeah just so you know.
Allegra: … Jesus Christ.
Dick: You know your show is called “Can I Pet your Dog” –
Dick: - so uhm… it must work.
Allegra: I pet a lot of guys’ dogs.
Dick: It’s a great way to meet girls then, right? Like the guy is just sitting there with his dog –
Dick: - you’re getting excited, you’re running over, you’re petting the dog –
Allegra: Wou’ve a point of conversation.
Dick: - what, you’re not gonna do that just – you’re not gonna do that to a guy with a laptop with a… Trump sticker on the back right?
Allegra: (amused, then giggling) No, no I’m top. I’m gonna run the other way.
Dick: Can I… okay. Cuase you’re so turned on.(Allegra laughing)
Allegra: Cause I’m so turned on I can’t handle being in the same space.
Dick: You gotta go home and take a shower –
Allegra: Yeah you gotta go home, I’m just too horny.Dick – take a cold shower. I... yeah of course.
Allegra: Okay, I wanna say… I’m gonna say there’s something to be said… there’ something to be said about a big buff guy with a little dog. That is uh… I think people are amused, if not turned off by that. I think it’s a good conversation piece –
Allegra: - however…
Dick: Well, I mean… so being buff is… -
Allegra: Well yeah.
Dick: - part of… Okay.
Allegra: Well yeah. So maybe that’s not fair. Uh… the best breed – do you want a breed?
Dick: Whatever you got! I mean this is… this is man points. It’s right if you say it is.
Allegra: (looking down) I’m putting way too much thought into this.
Sean: She’s earnestly trying to answer.(Allegra bursting out laughing)
Sean: And that’s the mistake.
Allegra: I know! Okay, I wanna – you know what I’m gonna say? I’m gonna say Beagle. Cause it’s a classic American dog and a lot of people have experiences with them and it’s a non-divisive dog. It’s not like a Pitbull where people have very strong opinions one way or the other.
Dick: A lot of people have strong experiences with them from, like, childhood –
Dick: - you’re saying.
Allegra: Like positive experiences, but not, like, divisive experiences. No one’s like “I was bitten by a Beagle”, you know. Like… prob – okay fine somebody’s gonna be like –
Dick: No, that’s true! That’s true, that’s a good point.
Allegra: - “bitten by a Beagle”. But… okay, but what’s the right answer.
Dick: Foster dog.
Allegra: (exclaiming in surprise) Oh!
Sean: (groaning defeated) Oh my god.
Dick: How could you not know that.
Allegra: Wha- What? Okay. So –
Sean: Yeah. Absolutely right!
Allegra: it’d be a foster Beagle. Yeah, that’s true. I’m with you.
Dick: The best part about a foster dog is it doesn’t even have to be a foster dog.
Allegra: (chuckling) you’re just… where did you – wait you’re lying about it?
Sean: (annoyed) Yes.
Dick: (overtly) Yeah!
Allegra: Who - whose dog is it in this scenario?
Dick: (oblivious) My parents dog!
Allegra: Well that’s true yeah.(Allegra laughing out loud)
Dick: “Like what kind of dog is that?” and you say “Well…” you get that real – you get that look on your face like “Well… it’s uh… it’s… she’s a foster dog.
Allegra: But that doesn’t answer the question of “What kind of dog is that”!
Dick: (contemplative) Uhm… doesn’t it though? Doesn’t it answer –
Allegra: Especially cause your parents dog is very clearly a Lab.
Dick: No… yeah but people still… people still ask though.
Allegra: (still laughing) They do.
Dick: Yeah! Cause people are stupid. They don’t know. “Oh what kind of dog” – they just wanna talk, like that’s so… isn’t the hold point of –
Allegra: (regaining composure) That’s true.
Dick: - your problem. People are dying… to… people are dying for something to engage with another human being –
Allegra: It’s true, they are.
Dick: - for.
Dick: So you… you have the dog, you float the dog out there and they’re like “Oh my god, thank – I can ask something about this fuckin’ person cause of the dog.” –
Allegra: (Acknowliding) Yeah that’s true.
Dick: - right? And you say “Well… thank you for asking… she’s foster…(Allegra keeling over laughing)
Dick: … thank you for asking, she’s a foster dog. Since you asked, she’s a foster dog.
Allegra: (failing to suppress laughter) Okay, that’s true but that doesn’t answer the question.
Dick: (in disbelief) what do you mean? Doesn’t it?
Allegra: “What breed of dog is that?” – “She’s a foster!” (Bursting out laughing again)
Dick: “She’s a foster breed… we don’t know. We don’t know, we don’t know.”
Allegra: Well okay… that works for “She’s a rescue.” Like people usually – I guess same thing.
Dick: That’s what I meant. “She’s a rescue.”
Allegra: (still laughing) Okay!
Dick: Okay? You’re right.
Sean: (excited) Yeah! I mean… “Foster rescues!” right?
Dick: You’re right I’m sorry.
Allegra: I mean it’s not that different.
Dick: I don’t know how it actually works, because I would not never do it.
Allegra: Well that’s the thing! It’s (unintelligible because of laughter)
Dick: Nah, too much, too much – look we’re already talking! You’re already –
Allegra: That’s true.
Dick: - it’s… that’s it. Game over. Mission accomplished. I win.
Sean: You did definitely not listen to the last show.
Allegra: I didn’t. I know. Well…
Dick: wait, of this show? Of The Dick Show? –
Sean: No, the last show.
Allegra: The last episode?
Dick: Of this current show we’re talking about?
Sean: She has no idea what to do with you.(Both in a realizing tone)
Allegra: Oh yeah.
Dick: Oh no, no. No, there’s a lot of people.(Dick and Allegra both laughing)
Allegra: Okay. Yeah, well… okay. Have you – have you done this? Has this worked?
Dick: Yeah – of course! Are you kidding me? “Have I done it?” What do you think I just bring in stories that haven’t happened –
Allegra: That’s true, yeah that’s true.
Dick: - on this fuckin’ Podcast? Okay. Here’s so that’s – so that’s… wrong.
Allegra: Okay, okay… okay. (beginning to laugh again) Not –
Dick: Although you didn’t know it was rescue, here is question number two.
Dick: Cause a good co-host has gotta know this. “What makes you… a rage?
Allegra: (Pausing in disbelief then laughing? “What makes me… a rage”? or “What makes me rage?”
Dick: “What makes you –“ I think it’s pretty… clear –(Allegra laughing harder)
Dick: - what I meant… bout that.
Allegra: I think I mean “What makes me rage”. And you just have weird grammar preferences.(Dick makes a negating sound)
Allegra: I don’t know, “What makes me a rage”. I can’t say.
Dick: You say weird, I say – I say I identify it as “having the correct grammar”.
Allegra: (laughing loudly) Yes, that’s fair.
Sean: He says weird, you say potato.
Allegra: Yeah, I say potato.
Dick: What makes you… a rage?
Allegra: (pondering) Okay one thing that makes me a rage is… conference calls -(Dick making a drawn out sound of agreement)
Allegra: - which I know is a little bit like… 1990s… heck… stand-up comedy. Well no, wait, cause they have – they haven’t had conference calls back then.
Dick: They had conference calls since… the Garden of Eden.
Allegra: See, and here’s what I feel like. I feel like we’ve had them since the Garden of Eden and they haven’t changed since then.
Dick: (murmuring in agreement) no.
Allegra: Like, every other technology – besides printers – has gotten better. And conference calls have remained terrible… from forever until forever, and there’s no – I don’t see any hope of them getting better.
Sean: Is it the – is it the technology that bothers you or is it how people act in a conference call.
Allegra: I would say it’s both, because I would say there’s like – there’s still just enough of a delay that everyone… everyone is either not talking at all or everyone’s talking over each other. Or- and then someone goes “I’m sorry what? No, I’m sorry what? No wait… what did you – No wait, what did you?” And so every conference call takes three hours… when it should have been 15 minutes.
Dick: There’s something about the magic of… being in a room with someone that makes them stop dicking around.
Allegra: (wholeheartedly agreeing) Yeah, I know!
Sean: No, face is much better. I… don’t get nervous for interviews. I interview really well. I hate the phone. –
Allegra: Oh for interviews?
Sean: - I can’t read the other person –
Dick and Allegra: (in an understanding tone) Yeah…
Sean: - I can’t see if they’re… I can’t connect with them, the phone is a terrible way to communicate.
Allegra: Yeah. I mean I – I’ve also been in plenty of like… stupid in-person meetings.
Dick: Well it’s – with the conference calls it’s uh… it’s like everybody is trying to get something more out of it cause they’re not into – like you’ve got the jokers –
Allegra: (groaning) Yeah…
Dick: - you’ve got people who are there to try their… uh… their hot then minutes –
Allegra: (laughing) Sure.
Dick: - like “Hey everybody, I got a bunch of new jokes… that I’ve written over the weekend. Here we go! I got my tight ten. –
Dick: - you guys… you guys ready? Anybody hear about that gorilla? –(Allegra laughing self-consciously)
Allegra: Oh god…
Dick: - that was watching that kid? Well… how about this! –
Allegra: (bursting out laughing) the gorilla that was watching the kid?
Dick: - well then you got – then you got the uh… -
Sean: (emphasizing each word carefully) Watching or washing? It looked like he was washing the kid.
Dick: - you got the guys trying out their… their stand-up material. Then you’ve got the offensive guy -(Allegra nodding towards Dick) Dick – who is immediately deviating from work… to talk about god knows what. Like “Hey uh…what does everybody think about abortions?”
Allegra: (amused) that guy just jumps in.
Dick: (with a sigh) Oh gosh… Oh boy.
Allegra: And then it’s like – there’s one person trying to lead it. But there’s always too many people on also. Which is – I think truly –once you get like cooperatively enough through every meeting, but there’s always like (in an over the top feminine voice) “Oh should we invite… Sheila?” “Yeah sure, why not”. And it’s like “Noo… don’t invite the… like” they always go like “It’d be good to loop her in” or whatever, so there’s ninety people in the call –
Dick: (nodding in agreement) Yeah! The looper!
Allegra: - Don’t loop anybody in!
Dick: No, don’t loop anybody in. If they’re not here they don’t need to hear about it.
Allegra: (with a smile) yeah, they’re fine. Just send them a one sentence email talking about what happened, it’s fine.
Dick: And then there’s… there’s… and anybody else not mentioned on - in this list is just on mute… watching YouTube videos or masturbating.
Allegra: (giggling) yeah exactly!
Dick: “Uh… great! Another three hour conference call. Let’s see I could jerk off twice… -(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: - I can watch The Big Lebowski, -
Allegra: (swooning) oh yeah!
Dick: and every- this is how you know that everybody is masturbating on a conference call: because every time you mention somebody’s name… -(Allegra giggling)
Dick: - the first thing they do is… on mute and say - and find some way of saying (in a feminine voice) “oh… can you repeat that -(Allegra nodding with a smile)
Dick: - again?” Without saying “can you repeat it?” Like it’d be like “Hey uh… can you give me those… those TPS reports on the thing… Allegra?” you’ll hear: … -(Allegra nods and chuckles agreement)
Dick: - (In oblivious feminine voice) “uh… what were you… what are you talking about?”
Allegra: Yeah that’s exactly right. Well because it’s… once a call has gone for long enough your… brain just goes like “Okay, I can’t like… I can’t possibly make this a priority for this long. It’s not. (Vehemently) It’s not important enough.
Dick: No! It’s difficult to pay attention to!
Allegra: Yeah exactly!
Dick: But it’s… I don’t know it’s like – because there’s such a random amount of information to… the static and noise ratio, is really like uhh… a “gated sign-wave”. It’s like –
Allegra: (nodding) Yeah.
Dick: - some, there’s some bits of information that are at 100%. And you need every part of it. And you need every part of it. But most of it is zero.
Allegra: Yeah, that’s actually a great way to put it. I think that’s what’s hard about it.., is that you can’t really predict… when… unless someone says something like “And Allegra, you’re like this:” And I’m like “All right, got it. I’ll pay attention.” But otherwise it’s not predictable when I’m gonna need to tune in.
Dick: Well that’s what they really should do. Like, if you’re on a conference call that the – the conference all etiquette should to say your name… then… say a…something to say this is important –
Dick: - then say your name again and then say “Hey, stop masturbating!”(Allegra beginning to chuckle)
Dick: Say a name a couple more times and then say what it is and then afterwards email that to you anyway. Because it was all a big waste of time.
Allegra: That’s actually a pretty good solution, because do I feel like the problem –
Dick: (sarcastically) If only we had a show where we could highlight the solution the solution to things.
Allegra: I do feel like the problem is that someone will go “Something, something, something important… Allegra.” And it’s like –
Dick: (in furious agreement) No, every time! It’s like don’t you understand that nobody’s paying attention? You gotta say the name upfront!
Allegra: That’s pretty – I think it’s a pretty good solution.
Sean: Well they’re also really inefficient because… everybody is afraid to step on each other’s ideas.
Sean: Everybody becomes kind of like a yes man.(Dick and Allegra both nodding in agreement)
Sean: Well it’s like “yeah… I hear that, but also… everybody is just so… non-confrontational and nothing gets done.
Dick: It’s, it’s way harder to disagree on the phone too.
Sean: (satisfied) yes!
Allegra: You can’t read that person, right?
Dick: You can’t read that person and it’s harder to vocalize.
Dick: Like you can, you can email a “no”, or a “I’ll think about-“, you can email a soft “no”. With like –
Allegra: (nodding) Right.
Dick: - or you can ignore it. You can ignore it, that’s a soft no. You can say “I’ll think about it.” That’s a little bit harder of a no. Or you can say “no, go fuck yourself”.
Dick: Right? On phone if somebody puts you on the spot like “What do you wanna do with this?” It’s very… you can’t do any of those strategies and saying “no” is more important in that scenario than saying yes, I think. Like if you –
Allegra: (pondering) yeah…
Dick: - if you’re in a – if you’re in a business scenario, saying “no” will save you money.
Allegra: (leaning towards agreeing) Yeah…
Dick: Like you’ve gotta – most ideas… are shit. Like, most ideas, most plans that… that human beings have come up with over all the years… are horse shit. You’re – we’re working at, as human beings we’re about ninety-nine to one. Ninety-nine horrible ideas. Throw them out. One… okay idea.
Allegra: Yeah, I totally agree.
Dick: So if you’re on a call you need to be able to… to know everything and people are just not equipped to do that. That’s what I -
Allegra: Yeah. But I also – I totally agree with you.
Dick: - (raising his voice) but in person –sorry to interrupt –
Allegra: (politely) no, god…
Dick: - in person you don’t get a (high pitched pondering tone in female voice) -
Allegra: (nodding) yeah!
Dick: - you don’t get a nervous glance at somebody else. And then you’ll know immediately “Oh that’s a no. That was stupid, I’m gonna shut it done.”
Sean: I’ll have an involuntary reaction that I can’t hide. So then you know what I – if somebody goes like “yeah, yeah, I think we should do this”, and I’ll be like (cringes back in acted fear) like –
Allegra: (in agreement) Yeah.
Sean: - with the arms folded like –
Dick: (in agreement) Yeah.
Sean: - I… you know I don’t like this idea. I’ve already said it without saying it.
Allegra: Yeah. But I also just wish in, like, business setting… maybe, I don’t know. Maybe this is… more true, like, sharky places like Wall Street and stuff but –
Dick: (rolling his eyes sarcastically) Oh we, we all know those, am I right? Shitloads of boiler rooms.
Allegra: - (Laughing) you know the places. (unintelligible because of laughing) I never worked a job where it’s really that acceptable to be like “No, we’re not doing that.” You know what I mean? I… I don’t know what it is, if it’s just like start-ups or like… tech companies or what it is but I believe there’s a little bit – at least in my experience – a culture of ‘you give a soft no rather than just saying “No, we’re not gonna do that.”’ (in an over the top tone) But why? We should just say, like… like you said it saves everybody time and money if somebody just said “No, we’re not doing this.”
Dick: (in an agreeing tone) No! Yeah!
Sean: It’s that people get their feelings hurt easily -
Sean: - I think that’s why. Like it’s just… it’s really dismissive, even though it’s way more –
Sean: - it’s way more efficient -
Dick: Well we’ve –
Sean: - to not pussyfoot around, you know, and do the soft no, which leads them to believe that maybe there’s a chance that this would still happen.
Allegra: Yeah, it’s like worse in the long run I think. I wish we could just be like “Oh, thank you for the idea, but we’re not gonna do that.” I don’t know, I just… can’t do that.
Dick: Well it’s against everything your brain knows.
Allegra: Yeah, that’s true.
Dick: Like we’ve evolved –
Allegra: That’s true.
Dick: - let’s say, to help and say yes, and not shut anybody out.
Allegra: Yeah, that’s true, that’s true.
Dick: Okay, so that – that makes you a rage?
Allegra: (disarmed and laughing) that makes me a rage!
Dick: Pretty good! That’s pretty good, Allegra.
Allegra: Thank you.
Dick: Okay, here’s my next question. What do you love most… about Donald Trump?
Allegra: (Laughing out loud) Oh, what I love most about it?
Dick: So many great things! All of his policies, his attitude, his hair… his cool planes, his kids –
Allegra: (still laughing) his cool planes!
Dick: - his best-selling books – each of them is a masterpiece –
Allegra: Does he have a dog?
Dick: - uh… yeah he’s got a rescue.
Allegra: (groaning) shut up!(Dick chuckling at his own joke)
Sean: It’s a German Shepard that goose-steps.
Allegra: Yeah, I do believe it.
Dick: (looking at Sean accusingly) Oh, Sean.(Sean laughing heartily)
Sean: Come on, it was too easy.
Dick: Yeah. (Towards Allegra) What do you love most about Donald Trump?
Allegra: (chuckling) if I had a gun to my head, what would I love about Trump…
Dick: Trump will make that possible.
Allegra: That’s true, yeah.
Dick: Do you want nation-wide reciprocal carry, concealed carry?
Allegra: (groaning) Oh god… What a nightmare… Uh, (pondering, with a finger on her lip) what do I love about Trump?
Dick: As a woman, do you like that he’s keeping you save from Islam?
Allegra: How is he doing that?
Dick: By putting a ban on Muslim immigrants.
Allegra: (dismissive) No, that doesn’t float my boat at all.
Dick: (acting incredulous) No? Aw…(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: I thought for sure I had you there.
Allegra: Yeah, no. You definitely don’t have me there.
Dick: Aw, shit.
Allegra: Uh, I love when he ate that… taco bowl.
Dick: (fondly reminiscing) that was a great picture.
Allegra: (laughing) well, here is my –
Sean: I didn’t see it.
Dick: You didn’t see that picture? The entire – so Trump goes – on Cinco de Mayo… so this is his plan right? He takes a picture of himself sitting at his desk with a… taco bowl and like, you know, meat, like, you know a taco shell bowl –
Dick: - you know what that is, with like – like a salad. Like a meat salad.
Sean: Isn’t that like more like a tostada?
Dick: (nodding) yeah, like a tostada. And he says, uh… “You want a great tostada bowl or a great taco bowl: Trump Tower grill makes the best one. I love Hispanics.”(Allegra and Sean both keeling over laughing)
Dick: And the internet lost its mind! It was the greatest – so Hillary Clinton does a tweet all in Spanish –
Sean: (trying to catch his breath) who else could have invented the tostada. God damn I love Hispanics.
Dick: (clamorous) Not- they didn’t invent it at all! And there’s no Hispanics. And it’s not even a thing!
Sean: Well it’s – it used to denote people from uh… - Hispaniola, the part in Spain, right?
Dick: (intrigued) Oh, really?
Sean: Yes, and then when you say “Latino”, that’s Latin America.
Dick: I didn’t know that.
Sean: Yeah, it’s – it’s people…Hispanic –
Dick: Did you take a Latin America Studies Class or something? What do you know this?
Allegra: I know that thing.
Sean: Yeah, right? Hispanics used to be tied to Spain, right?
Allegra: To Spain, yeah.
Sean: So like the Iberian Peninsula.
Allegra: Whatever, I don’t know.
Sean: Whatever, I don’t know, I’m making half this shit up, but I know there’s some kernel of truth in there.
Allegra: Well I know that “Latino” is more correct to say if you’re trying to encompass, like, multiple cultures or multiple parts of south or Central America.
Dick: Yeah, that’s right.
Allegra: However –
Dick: (drowning out Allegra) I love how this is so indicative of, like, society, that the two whites people – I am half-Mexican and I don’t know any of this shit and don’t care about this shit and you guys know about this from memory. This is how you refer to this group, this is how you refer to – like this is what we’re learning. This is what we’re –
Sean: (drawn out) It’s because we’re not allowed to offend anybody.
Dick: (his voice getting louder) I know, but this is what you’re learning. Like this is what you’ve – you’ve been trained… to think this. Not, I’m not saying it took a tremendous amount of brain power –
Allegra: (agreeing) yeah…
Dick: - but it took something. Like, it took something for you guys to both know these fuckin’ facts. Yeah so… Clinton… the ultimate, like, pandering move all in Spanish. The whole tweet in Spanish. I don’t even know what it said –(Allegra bursting out laughing)
Dick: - said something about like “Build bridges, not walls, embrace each other, bla bla bla.” 400 re-tweets or something like that. Trump tweets a picture of himself eating a taco bowl (effect-full pause) 100.000 re-tweets. 400-500.000 on twitter. Like this… -
Allegra: It’s his top tweet, right?
Dick: It’s his top tweet. Before that his top tweet was “I think if we had a Trump game show I could beat anyone else.”
Allegra: Oh, trivia?
Dick: Yeah, Trump trivia, Trump current events. Like if you had like a Jeopardy sound, where it was all Trump- I do think… -(Allegra laughing)
Dick: - cause me and my life-coach spend all day texting each other and twitter –
Allegra: Oh, yeah sure!
Dick: - and IM’ing each other Trump news like little girls. Like giggling –(Allegra laughing even harder)
Dick: - It’s like we’re teenage girls talking about the star quarterback of the sports – of our high school sports team. And I didn’t realize it was that pathetic until I just said it out loud, you know? But yeah, his tweet before that – his biggest tweet before that was “I’ve never seen (suppressing laughter) – I’ve never seen a skinny person drinking a diet coke.”(Allegra running out of breath from laughing)
Dick: And like 2012, and it had like 22.000 re-tweets. Just something like that. Like the dumbest – the dumbest statement. And this is a billionaire? And this is what he thinks about? (In a carefree voice) “Well, I’ve never seen someone… skinny drinking a diet coke”.
Allegra: Maybe that’s what… maybe that’s what I would have to choose to love about Trump. It’s that (struggling to get the words out while laughing) his tweets like that… The taco bowl was like…
Dick: (inquisitive) Provocative tweets?
Allegra: Well, I didn’t think the diet coke one is provocative. Someone – it’s just like a bumbling statement about nothing.
Dick: That’s the same – that’s what it means. That’s what provocative means.
Allegra: I guess. That does seem to resonate with me. It’s such a stupid observation he had. And he was like “Meh, I’ll tweet this.” And then everyone went nuts.
Dick: (excited) Went nuts! And they’re all tripping over themselves trying to… question the meaning of this. It’s like… it’s just some fuckin’ guy tweeting a picture of his lunch. It happens every day.
Allegra: (catching her breath again) yeah.
Dick: Okay, pretty good answer.
Allegra: Thank you.
Dick: Pretty good answer. Do you have a Dick tip… for the fans?
Allegra: (having a sudden realization) Oh, like a general life tip?
Dick: General – wha… you know. Yeah. General, or specific! It can be very specific.
Allegra: Okay, you know what? You know what is a Dick tip I have been thinking about lately? -
Dick: (in a creep voice) Okay, good…
Allegra: - It’s “Always bring your own water everywhere you go.”
Dick: (flabbergasted) it’s… well… tell me more! Why have you been thinking about it lately, that’s my first question.
Allegra: Okay, here’s why. It’s because I think there’s some places where you automatically do it. Maybe if you are going to, like… I don’t know. If you’re in college, like, you bring a bottle of water to go to a long class, whatever. But I have started bringing it, although I did not do it tonight. It’s because I know you have good water here.
Dick: I have – no I have great water. I have the best water.
Allegra: I know! I know.
Dick: Water is very important to me. I lived here during the earthquake –
Dick: - and when you couldn’t drink the water for like two weeks –
Allegra: Right. Oh is that why you have a thingy?
Dick: My Arrowhead dispenser? Yeah.
Allegra: (contemplative) Oh…
Dick: Because it was – well it was couple of weeks ago. After the earthquake you couldn’t drink the water, so my parents got the Arrowhead bottles. So I’m just used to it. When I moved out I got the Arrowhead water as well. But these… these solutions that people have for water, like, the Brita filter, and the little – the tap faucet – they’re all some degree of fucked.
Allegra: Like in what way? Are they just fake or what?
Dick: They just don’t work as well.(Allegra making an informed “Oh” sound)
Dick: Like if you got the Brita filter thing –
Sean: (groaning) you gotta wait.
Dick: - you gotta wait.
Allegra: Oh yeah…
Dick: Like, if I wake up at five in the morning at like – you know when you start – you know when you’re day-drinking –(Allegra chuckling understandingly)
Dick: - and you pass… everybody knows this right? You know when you’re day-drinking on a Monday…
Sean: You wake up after dark and you don’t know what goddamn day it is.
Dick: Yes! Because they open the subway to Santa Monica and then you’re like “Hey, fuck it. I’m gonna go shitfaced in Santa Monica and see what my life-coach is doing.”
Allegra: Oh! Great.
Dick: And you do that – and you take an Uber home at like… you think you’re gonna get down there for cheap, cause it’s like 2 bucks for a ride. And you’re like “well I’m not gonna sit on the fuckin’ subway home, I’m just gonna Uber back.” And then you wake up, and you blacked out In the Uber. And you wake up and it’s like… I don’t know, two in the morning. And you say “if there…” – you think to yourself “I need water, I need cold water right now -
Dick: more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life.”… That’s where the Brita fails you.
Dick: Because that’s past you. Past you will always fuck you.
Dick: Past you will always fuck you, and you will always fuck future you. Like if I’m – how many times have I been without ice in my freezer in my freezer, cause I’m living in the 50s in my apartment and I don’t have an ice-making-machine.
Allegra: Same here.
Dick: I –Yeah… I always, always get skunked, ALWAYS skunked by past me. And I’m like “that motherfucker. I’m gonna – if I could fuck him, If I could possibly fuck him, I would build a time machine and go back and punch that smug prick right in his face. Cause it’s the easiest thing in the world, to fill the – so I’m like… instead I’m gonna get revenge on future me.(Allegra cackling understandingly)
Dick: I’m gonna really – I’m actually gonna spill coffee in these ice trays, so that they can’t even be filled up, so that they have to be washed.
Allegra: (in a realizing tone) and the cycle goes on forever.
Dick: And the cycle goes on forever.
Allegra: Well, you’re making my point for me. Cause I – so I know from… history that you – from being at your house before – you have a good water supply.
Dick: Thank you.
Allegra: Thank you! Uh… thank you.(Dick and Allegra both chuckling)
Dick: Hey by the way –
Sean: (sarcastically) another man complimented for his water supply.
Allegra: (defensively) okay, well…
Dick: By the way that’s how a ‘Thank you’ to me sounds. If anyone is listening.
Allegra: Well here’s why. Because if you go to somebody’s house for the first time –
Dick: U huh.
Allegra: - you can not be sure that they have a good water situation. So in LA I know the tap water here is safe to drink, but I don’t always want to drink it, because most times it is lukewarm at best.(Dick nodding)
Allegra: And it’s not refreshing. So especially if I come in thirsty, or if I’m gonna be at someone’s house, looking forward to watch a movie, I know I’m going to need to drink a lot of water. I drink a lot of water. I actually don’t trust people to have sparkling water. But I don’t even trust them to have, like, refreshing water I want to drink.
Dick: You’re great on the water situation, cause you got that water infuser also.
Allegra: I have a Soda Stream, thank you.
Dick: Yeah, and that’s a treat.
Allegra: (flattered) Thank you!
Dick: I remember when I went over to your place a while ago, and you’re like “Oh, you want some sparkling water?” “What the hell is that? ... Is it a fancy hotel here?”
Sean: Those are great!
Dick: Did you just get kicked out – did you steal this from a wedding?
Allegra: I would, but I didn’t.
Dick: That’s Soda Stream. Okay, that’s your Dick tip.
Dick: Cause that’s fancy as fuck. If anybody busts into your house, you bust out sparkling water: everything else in your house looks fancy.
Sean: You could fill it up with toilet water, make it sparkling and –
Dick: Sean! (Imitating) toilet water…
Allegra: That is maybe – maybe that is a good one. I uh… I also combine these two tips. I make sparkling water with my Soda Stream and I bring my own sparkling water everywhere. Cause I always want it and I know now everyone has it. So I just bring it everywhere.
Dick: Alright. That’s a great Dick Tip.
Allegra: Thank you.
Dick: Let’s see what everyone thinks. I hope they vote for you –
Allegra: (laughing in disbelief) is it just me so far?
Dick: but you gotta lot of… looks. So yes, it’s just you so far.
Allegra: I’m running out of pose, I hope I win.
Dick: I gotta interview, you know, pretty much everyone on earth, so…
Allegra: So when is the final tally?
Dick: Probably in two years when this show gets cancelled.
Allegra: (laughing) oh, okay. I hope I win.
Dick: Ceremoniously and suddenly. Yeah I know. Asterios… Asterios is in the running.
Allegra: Oh he’s gonna be good.
Dick: Tim Changz is in the running. Well Asterios is divisive though.
Allegra: Oh, oh that’s right. Interesting.
Dick: Speaking of taking your own water everywhere.
Allegra: (trying to suppress laughter) yeah.
Dick: I guess, yeah. I got somewhere where you definitely take your own water. Where I don’t even recommend going. Of course I am taking about Mexico.(Allegra laughing)
Dick: I went to Mexico.
Dick: Couple of weekends. Yeah, girl asked me to go down there. (In a low voice) Beautiful girl. Like a 80s bikini model… girl…
Allegra: Is this some woman off the street.
Dick: No, no, no don’t worry about it… yes. Does that make –
Allegra: That sounds like some woman just came up to me and said “Do you wanna go to Mexico?”
Dick: She’s cruising by in her convertible, in her pink convertible yeah. And she says “Hey you? You wanna go to Mexico”? I’m like “Yeah… of course”.
Allegra: (excitedly yelling) Ahoooooga!
Dick: We’re talking about 80s. The 80s have a different level of beautiful.
Allegra: True. So this was now or this was back in the 80s?
Dick: This was – she would have been on – during, in the 80s she would have been on a beer ad.
Dick: Not anymore.
Allegra: With the high – those really high bathing suits? Those really ugly –
Dick: See? Uh…
Allegra: They show like your whole hip?
Dick: Yes… those were perfect.
Allegra: Those were so ugly! No they weren’t!
Dick: That was the perfect standard of beauty. We should have never changed it.(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: That was – that’s what a bathing suit should always look like.
Sean: They kinda looked like the uh… the ones in the aerobics videos.
Allegra: (groaning) yes… so gross! I
Dick: (excitedly) yes! Exactly. Now what does anything look like anymore? Like what’s the new bathing suit? That lowrider shit?
Allegra: (acknowledging) yeah…
Dick: That… you look like a little – you look like a 13 year old boy! Aren’t thy calling them boy-shorts.
Sean: (with a smirk) you see what you wanna see.
Dick: Oh get the hell out of here, Sean. So this girl invites me down to Mexico. And I’m like “Alright!” She says “It’s gonna be a great time. It’s gonna be 90°. We’re gonna be all weekend on the beach, right? Bring your shortest shorts possible.” So we get in the car… going down there and… she throws out this one “Oh… I hope you got my text.” ‘I’m like “What text are you talking about?” “Uh, the weather. I was looking at the wrong town… It is actually gonna be sub 70°. And I’m like “Well, that’s perfect, because I brought only – cause I brought about a square yard of fabric for shorts. Like, I brought shorts that uh – I brought shorts were you can almost see my balls in all of them.”
Allegra: To your shorts.
Dick: So my, my short, yeah. Wonderful. And I got the jeans I’m wearing. Great, so that’s a good start to the trip. So we’re going down there and of course uh… some people love Caravans, right?(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: You know, are you a Caravan… fan?
Allegra: Me? I don’t think so.
Dick: I’m not a Caravan fan. When you’re going on a trip, I do not like the Caravan.
Sean: I hate that.
Dick: I hate that too.
Allegra: What is the Caravan?
Sean: (exhaustedly) The camper follows everybody.
Allegra: Oh yeah I hate that.
Dick: Yeah! The Caravan is: “Hey, we’re gonna get there at 11.” And then “Here’s the plan. We’re gonna park there, we’re gonna call you and tell you – you’re gonna, you’re gonna wait 10 about minutes and come out looking like either you just showered or you just got railed, right? And then we’re gonna stand in the driveway and look at your house for another 20 minutes while… something happens, before we leave again. That’s the caravan, right?
Dick: That’s the standard Caravan operating procedure.
Sean: You always have to worry about, uh… ditching people four cars back. Just… everybody worry for themselves. Everybody’s a big boy and a big girl, everybody can get there.
Dick: Well it’s funny you say that, because we’re following these people, we’re following the car in front of us into Mexico, because they know where we’re going. And we do… we do a little bit. Right? We don’t know exactly where we’re going into Mexico. She’s been there before. So we’re like “Well we’re gonna follow these people just to play it safe.”
Allegra: They’re friends of yours?
Dick: Yeah, of hers. So we get into the line to get into Mexico, and – instantly vanished. These people are gone like the wind, right? Like they’re… like they never existed at all. Where’s the – and that’s the last place you wanna be, immediately across the border in Mexico. Where your lead car is gone.
Sean: (in asking tone) But you have your phone.
Dick: …uh… funnily enough, no you don’t.(Allegra gasping)
Dick: Because everything shuts off at Mexico.
Allegra: Oh right.
Dick: Everything shuts off at Mexico – it’s all roaming. Unless you’re ready to – unless you’re ready to blow either tons of money –
Sean: Oh yeah…
Dick: - on a call. IF, if you get the signal.
Dick: Like you see, you see cell carriers in the top left that you never imagined before, or never heard of before, right? So, we’re in Mexico in now. In Tijuana, just driving around. And I don’t – this whole Mexico trip has really blown… my – has really given me an epiphany. Today, when this episode comes out it’s gonna be vote day. So keep this in mind when you’re at the polls, or if you haven’t gone yet, keep this in mind for your – cause I really had an epiphany about Mexico since I’ve been there. We’re driving around Tijuana and nothing in Mexico… is built correctly.
Sean: (dramatically) Oh no!(Allegra laughing)
Dick: No! Nothing.
Sean: No, absolutely not.
Allegra: I thought you meant like “Oh no”, like you’re just… you were really scared –
Sean: Like I just bought property in Mexico and my house is gonna fall down?
Allegra: (dramatically) No, no no no no.
Sean: No. It’s the ultimate slipshod style of building.
Dick: No Sean, you’re absolutely right. Everything is slipshod and I… I mean I spent the rest of the trip – like you walk in… here’s a common occurrence in Mexico. You walk into a bathroom and everything seems right… on the surface, right? Like they’ve got the area where you pee. Like they know, they heard of a urinal before. They heard of a urinal, but if you step up to the plate you got… instead of a trough… were you would normally step up to, you step up and something seems very wrong. Cause what they’ve done is taking a 1foot square tile and laid a row of them down in front of you. So you’ve got, before the trough, do you see what I’m saying?Sean Yes!
Dick: Instead of a tiny lip, the tiniest lip, just the amount of lip for you to contain the urine, they’ve got – they essentially made a counter-top for you to pee over.
Sean: You have to Evel Knievel it over the… tile.
Dick: You really have to give it… a shove -(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: - from, like, deep down in your body –
Dick: - to clear this tilework.
Allegra: (In disbelief) Where?
Dick: And the whole time I’m wondering “Who the fuck… who signed off on this?” Like “who is there building it, looked it and said ‘perfect –
Allegra: (nodding slowly) yeah…
Dick: - that’s exactly what a urinal should be’”.
Allegra: Have you encountered this in the states anywhere?
Allegra: Am I crazy or have I – I feel like somebody has told me about this problem before, I don’t know who it was.
Dick: (in a ranting voice) No! None of this – like all of Mexico, everything is built in a way like they have never – like they have no… somebody should send them a crate of Timelife books. ‘This is how you build anything”. Because everything there is built like some guy is just thinking it up for the first time, and I don’t know why that is! There’s architecture you see inside the buildings where you just stare at it and go “uh… I know they just invented this on the fly. There’s no way they saw this anyway before in their life, ever.” And that’s starts – it starts with the urinals. Because really that’s what you should get right, no matter where you are in the world.
Sean: They probably just had excess tile and had to use it.
Allegra: (chuckling) I got nothing.
Dick: Is there no… is there no trough maker, there? For the urinals in Mexico – is there no porcelain company?
Allegra: Were they all like this? Were a lot of them like this?
Sean: They’re all various degrees of shitty.
Dick: (drawn out) every single thing there is built… differently.
Dick: That’s what – it’s a nation of exposed rebar. Like that’s what – it’s like everybody did… everybody winged it on their own, and they all went 90% of the way there. And at no point did anybody look at what they did and say ‘You know, should we take like an angle grinder to this exposed rebar?
Sean: It’s like the difference between Disneyland and Magic Mountain. Where Disneyland – their whole thing is: everything’s spotless. If a kid shits on the ground or pukes, somebody is there within two minutes cleaning it up. And Magic Mountain, owned by Warner bros. is like, “eh… good enough”.(Allegra chuckling)
Dick: Sean, it’s the difference between Disneyland and a child’s drawing of Disneyland.
Dick: Like if you were – if the blue prince for Disneyland were what a kid saw and remembered and then drew on a piece of paper and somebody – and then a 3D printing machine built it off of that.Because a human would look at it and go “This isn’t right”. Like this, I shouldn’t have to piss over a foot of exposed grout. There’s grout in here! This is not sanitary. None of this is sanitary!
Allegra: That’s very confusing.
Dick: This was the start of Mexico –
Dick: - too, by the way.
Sean: Went downhill from there, eh?
Dick: No, it did go downhill from there because… the people we were there with were great. But a… one of the shit-salesman guys, walking around like this, the solicitors…
Allegra: (alarmed) oh! I was like “the what”?
Dick: Yeah, the selling-garbage-guys.
Sean: Took me a moment there.
Dick: Yeah, he comes up to our table and goes um… “Here, I’ve got some bracelets to say. Here you go.” And of course down one side ‘Fuck Trump, Fuck Trump, Fuck Trump, Fuck Trump.’ And everybody’s like “oh great! Fuck Trump, Fuck Trump”. Yeah, right? So one woman – then our group says “Hey, they make custom ones too. You guys get whatever you want. And I’m like “Oh! Yeah, can I get Trump 2016 then?”(Allegra chuckling nervously)
Dick: Nothing wrong with that, right? Oh my god. This is the… “You support Trump?? “Yeah! What’s…” Like the question itself is an insult, anymore. You’re not even allowed. You’re NOT even allowed to have the opinion anymore.
Allegra: I can’t tell you how many people have asked me “Does he really support Trump?” cause I can’t tell if it’s a bit or not.
Sean: (with a smile) Yeah, that’s all I get too.
Dick: It’s… it’s like seeing a ghost!
Allegra: It is!
Dick: It’s like – it’s shocking! I mean I was listening to – I was listening to another podcast briefly, International Waters, and they spent the first couple of minutes just… shitting on Trump fans, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Like, they’re like “(in a snobby tone) but if this was a Trump fan they would probably eat the keyboard. They’re so stupid they don’t even know how to type. That’s how fuckin stupid Trump fans are.” Like, nothing you can say, you know what? You know what everybody? You wanna go down and see what America is gonna be more like, without him and his wall? It’s gonna be exposed rebar and it’s gonna be toilets that you have to launch your piss across like Evel Knievel.(Allegra laughing)
Dick: It’s gonna be a countertop that you have to piss across. Does that – because I… honestly the whole – there was a chimney at this house we stayed at. It was this little… little weird hippy commune. This little commune. Where it’s a bunch of trailers that have – that are built out, right? Any little commune, that’s gonna be a little weird, right?
Dick: Everybody who lives there has made a lot of decisions in their life that are a little odd, right?
Sean: And they’ve led them there.
Dick: And everybody else in there has made decisions that have led them there. So you’re talking about a lot of the same decisions that have gone – that have skewed one way, right?(Allegra listening intently and nodding)
Dick: But what wasn’t weird about it, but was very uh… idiosyncratic of Mexico was that everything was built… as a one-of. Like their chimney… for gods sakes, their chimney, one side was a normal chimney, and then the other side, the uh… the pillar- you imagine a fireplace, right? Excuse me, not a chimney, a fireplace. It’s two pillars down on each side and then a top pillar and a bottom pillar, right? You could draw it, if you had to do it.
Dick: They had the pillar on the left. And the pillar on the right was just… rotated by 90° -(Allegra giggling)
Dick: - sticking straight out into the room. Like, what is… what the hell is this?
Sean: Was it all made from the same material?
Sean: So (chuckling) yeah, yeah… So look, like it was built at the same time though? Cause I’m saying like, what if –
Sean: You know where I’m going, right?
Dick: Yes! It was not an add-on.
Dick: It was built all at the same time. Just… straight line of tile going – and then on this one let’s say “Eh, let’s make it cockeyed.
Sean: So it was a choice.
Dick: (incredulous) it was a choice! And I can’t… I can’t get over the mentality of looking at that and saying “Great job.”(Allegra laughing)
Dick: And this is not – I don’t think this is a poverty thing. Like, cause this is all the people in this community. They don’t have a problem with – you know.
Dicks: They’re pouring decks. They’re pouring decks out of cement and the corners aren’t even rounded off. Like somebody is gonna lose their fuckin’ toe on this thing. This… this deck is gonna be here for 10.000 years. You couldn’t – you didn’t wanna round it out a little bit?
Sean: Oh you mean like the step up?
Dick: Yeah! The step up. The border, any of it. Like he shape of it, any of it.
Allegra: Yeah, I don’t have an explanation for that.
Dick: There… there is none.
Allegra: (chuckling) Okay.
Dick: There is none. Nothing is flush. Nothing about the whole, like, every piece of tile hang out by an inch. By zero to an inch, right? Nobody – it’s just sticking out there, like “well… it’s extra table space. What do you want, what do you need.”
Allegra: So weird. I wish I had – I have almost no experience in Mexico, but I believe you.
Dick: Oh yeah, well… don’t… you don’t need any of it.
Sean: Don’t worry, Trump will tell you all about it.
Dick: Hey, is that, is it any worse – look this is – what I’m saying is way more convincing than anything Trump has said. It’s not about crime, it’s not about, you know, the complex math of, like, social economics, welfare and all that. It’s –
Sean: (smirking) it’s about piss-poor tile work.
Dick: It’s just a – it really is! It really is. I mean you’ve got – there was one bathroom, where… the bathroom, the toilet is – the sit-down toilet is looking out across the patio and into a restaurant at, like, a resort, and the only doors are slabs.
Allegra: Oh my god. What the hell?
Dick: That’s what I said. So I’m sitting here. I’m – there’s sixty-year old golfers, fat as hell, who are loading up on chorizo in the morning, going out and drinking an 18pack on the course and then coming back and they’re staring right into this restaurant. It’s … -
Allegra: It’s very gross.
Dick: (agreeing) It’s very gross. It’s like when you’re driving along the 1D from… San Diego into Tijuana, you’re driving right along the border, right? It looks like a before and after of a trade school. Like “well, this was our practice area. Which is all ramshackle. All piled up nowhere, rebar sticking out everywhere. And this right across the fence is built correctly. So I did look at where the hell this comes from –
Dick: - and I found that the earthquake in Mexico In 1985 –
Sean: In Mexico City.
Dick: - Mexico City. Big earthquake, killed tens of thousands of people. It was because – part of the reason everything fell down –(Allegra gasping)
Dick: - is because of the government’s corruption and the poor enforcement and the poor enforcement of building code.
Allegra: (shocked) Oh no!
Dick: So you’ve got a whole nation – it’s a whole nation where’ nobody’s double checking the building codes.
Allegra: But are they now? I mean it doesn’t seem like it, but they did they put anything in place after that to be like “hey, this shouldn’t happen again.”
Dick: (enraged) not from what I could tell!
Dick: I have no – I mean you’ve got highways where the pull off for your exit is just… dirt.
Sean: It’s still just…
Dick: Like it’s just two or three inches down. There’s no off-ramps. If you wanna go to the other side of the – if you wanna go to the other side of the highway, you just run. You just run and jump over. If you wanna cross and drive the other way you gotta drive down the highway like three miles, get off and then drive over an overpass type tunnel that someone has constructed.
Allegra: That’s really scary.
Dick: (after a pause) it’s terrifying.
Allegra: (chuckling) not great.
Dick: I was sexually assaulted in Mexico as well.
Allegra: (incredulous) what? By whom?
Dick: By this –
Sean: By a burro.
Dick: by a, no, by a large woman.
Allegra: (in a disgusted voice) whoa!
Dick: Oh yeah. Oh yeah… You wouldn’t even be hearing about it if it was not a large woman. So you know how it’s like a hippy commune there? You know those instances when everyone’s getting a little too horny?
Allegra: That’s commune life.
Dick: Like bachelorette parties. It is commune life. This very large woman apparently was trying to make out with me.
Allegra: (with a pitying voice) Oh no…
Dick: In my sleep!(Allegra lets out a shocked gasp)
Dick: What I call ‘sleep’, but what a lot of people will call a passed out stupor.
Sean: Yeah. You only have two states. You come-to and passed out. You don’t wake up and sleep.
Dick: Are you saying the general you, or you me?
Allegra: The royal you.
Sean: You you.
Dick: You me?
Sean: Yes, you Dick Masterson.
Dick: Yes, I have two states. Yeah, I’m either awake or… stuperously incapacitated, right? Thank god. So this is my story, of how proud I am of myself. As I told you I’m in Mexico with this girl. She’s out having a good time. I’m in Mexico looking at how poorly constructed everything is.
Dick: And having some in – having a cure-all.
Allegra: (teasing) it’s driving you to drink.
Dick: It’s driving me – I swear to god it’s driving me to drink.
Sean: And then everything looks straight, after, like, a case of beer. Like, “eh, not that bad a job”.
Dick: I wish it was a case of beer. If it was a case of beer I would have been fine. But all these things are compounding together. Like all the “you’re an asshole, cause you support Trump” stuff, all the things that are misaligned, like you’re sitting – all that – these decks, I stepped through a deck.(Allegra cackling)
Dick: That’s how bad the deck-work is down there. Like, right through it. Like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade.
Sean: So what are they all worried about? Like, who do you think is gonna build the wall? And it’s all gonna be shitty so they can just walk on through anyway.
Dick: Oh no, we’re building the wall.
Allegra: (Chuckling) Wait, tell me the story!
Sean: With what labour?
Dick: Anyway. This woman makes me a drink that is entirely scotch.
Allegra: (disgusted) Ooh…
Dick: Like a tumbler full of scotch. And I’m so drunk that I think this is a mixed drink. Like this is scotch, this is a Lynchburg Lemonade. Take a look at it and then “ah yeah, I know. It can’t possibly all be scotch, right?”(Allegra pulling a grimace)
Dick: But I’m past the point where you can tell, right? Like I’m drinking and I’m like (making a face) “that tastes a little strong”. Entirely liquor.
Sean: But your senses are dulled too. That’s happened to me, where you are drinking straight liquor but it doesn’t taste exactly like straight liquor.
Dick: Yeah! It’s not my fault. That’s what I’m saying. Like I don’t have the – I’m past the point of where I should be accountable for knowing that this is entirely liquor.
Sean: (questioning) yeah…
Dick: Right? Yes. Yes is the answer.
Allegra: I agree with that.
Dick: (in a praising tone) That’s good co-host material right there, that’s big points.
Allegra: Big points!
Dick: So obviously I black out. But… this story is told to me later.(Allegra letting out a gasp of surprise)
Dick: The 80s girl, the hot 80s girl comes in later to check on me… and there’s this woman –(Allegra gasping even louder)
Dick: - hovering over me, uh… very closely. Like, you know, comforting, maybe, but then starts moving in for a little more.
Allegra: Oh that’s totally… not okay!
Allegra: No, that’s totally – that’s sexual assault.
Dick: Well, you know. I don’t wanna make that claim.
Allegra: You just did!
Dick: Well… uh… I… a lot of booze was being consumed.
Allegra: Yeah exactly. You were too drunk to consent.
Dick: Well she was probably pretty shitfaced, too.
Allegra: Yeah but still, she’s the one making – I mean… look –
Dick: Look, I don’t like it either, Allegra. That’s what I’m saying. But I’m not gonna throw the assault term around.
Allegra: Alright, that’s fine, but it’s not right.
Dick: It’s... we can both agree that it’s not right. So this is - the retelling is that I reach up in my drunken stupor and grab her face like a bowling ball, out of nowhere. Like, I’m comatose and it’s like I think that – Sam Bequette quantum-leaped into me at this moment and grabbed her head like a football – like a bowling ball and just pushed it away.(Allegra laughing out loud)
Sean: Did you give her the old Three Stooges?
Allegra: Yeah, it sounds like that?
Sean: (chuckling) Right in the eyes…
Dick: And the next morning I was like “I told you. Drunken me – totally safe. All the time. I always get home. Always get home, no matter how complicated it is to get home. No matter who I got to fend off”-
Allegra: You DO always get home! It’s true.
Dick: Always get home… safe.
Allegra: You always get home safe. It seems like a miracle but you do.
Dick: Yes. It’s like a secret training kicks in. That I can fend – I can fend all attackers, even seductresses, off of me at any moment when I’m – after I consumed my spinach of an entire tumbler of scotch.(Allegra makes a barfing sound)
Dick: - like fucking Christ.
Sean: He’s like Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. What does uh… Martin Sheen say, he says “you knew he wouldn’t get so much as a scratch here.” Bombs are blowing up all over and he just stands out there and has his coffee –
Sean: - you know just… invincible.
Dick: The liquor will protect you.
Allegra: That’s the takeaway here…
Dick: That’s my Dick Tip for…
Allegra: You should get big liquor to sponsor this Podcast. The liquor lobby.
Dick: Oh my god, that would be my dream. But until then there are a shitload of people on Patreon who have thrown a dollar, five dollars, two dollars to support this Podcast. People like uh… Lisa (last name unintelligible) “Happy to contribute, can’t get enough of the D.”
Allegra: Oooh!Dick That’s a… yeah. Pretty cool on Patreon. Thomas (last name unintelligible)”I’ve been called a Dickhead all my life. This makes it official.” And (first name unintelligible) Rodriguez “Finally I can get more Dick weekly. Hope Tim Changz is part of this project. He’s funny as hell.” Christopher (last name unintelligible) “Just when I thought I could only get so erect”. Surprise, Christopher, prepare to get more erect. Gary Collins “Thank you again. I hope this new Podcast will be even greater.” This is one is… the best one. Uhm. ‘Bloodfart the Queefer’.
Sean: (taken aback) Jesus Christ.
Dick: Yeah. “I hope you start your own Podcast or something so me and my girlfriend can get our Dick-fix.”(Allegra chuckling lightly)
Dick: It’s been overwhelming. Uh… I can’t thank you guys enough. And, Allegra, thank you for being on the first episode and being the first applicant.
Dick: Right.(Allegra giggling happily)
Dick: This… cause there is winning on this show.
Allegra: Tell me in two years, when you tally up the votes, if I’ve won.
Dick: Well… no I’ll just go dark for a week.(Allegra busts out laughing) (The Dick Show outro starts playing)
Dick: There won’t be any telling of anything.
Allegra: (groaning) Aw…
Dick: Thank you, and of course, thanks, Sean. Uh… a little wrap up. Guys, see you next week… for more bullshit.(Outro getting louder)
Dick: Okay, I actually do have a voicemail. And old favourite from the old show called and he saw the post earlier. He called in to wish me… – to wish me good luck.(Voicemail clip starts playing)
Voicemail Caller: (In a peculiar accent) Ahoy there, Dick. This be Bono. So… you got your own show, do ye?
Dick: Its’s Bono!
Voicemail Caller: You’re finally free of that Moorish bastard.
Sean: I love Bono.
Voicemail Caller: Now it looks like it’s just you, Bono and Apple computers from here on out.(Dick and Sean chuckling)
Voicemail Caller: Hey! Did you hear about all that monkey business at the Cincinnati zoo?(Allegra giggling in the background)
Voicemail Caller: Talk about bananas!
Sean: (busting out laughing) Oh god…
Voicemail Caller: Anyway… -
Dick: (in an explaining tone) That’s Bono!
Allegra: I know!
Voicemail Caller: I’m not sure what you got up your sleeve –
Dick: That’s his humour.
Voicemail Caller: - but I’ll be a-listening. Here’s wishing you a rainbow. Bono’s gone.(Voicemail ends)
Dick: It’s the guy that wrote all the Bonos on YouTube.
Sean: Bono’s what?
Dick: Bono’s… I don’t know what he said. ‘Bono’s out, Bono’s done”…
Allegra: You got the Bono calling in to wish you good luck?
Dick: Yeah, isn’t that cool?
Allegra: It’s very cool, very big of him. How does he find the time?
Dick: What do you – ‘How does he find the time?’ What the hell does he do? He doesn’t do shit, he’s a rock star.
Allegra: (amused) just a bunch of stuff.
Dick: He just sits around – people do that. He just takes credit.
Allegra: That’s true.
Sean: he called in right after his bike accident.
Sean: No, right after, yeah.
Dick: The other show.
Dick: That’ pretty cool!
Allegra: Yeah that’s pretty awesome.
Dick: Can you believe he’s such a laid-back guy? He’s writing all that – being such a huge rock star?
Allegra: When does he find time to write those jokes?
Dick: (chortling) he didn’t find very much time.(Dick and Allegra both laughing)
Allegra: But he still found some, and that’s what matter.
Dick: That’s what matters.