Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Antoids, Peach Saliva
Transcription by: Kim Jong Skill
Dick: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you want Dick, you love Dick, you’ve got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest. Coming to you from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I am your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20-million-dollar man. The 20-million-dollar man. Joining me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? God, it feels good to be back in the studio…
Sean: It does.
Dick: … at a somewhat normal time. It feels so fucking odd to do this show anywhere but in this really uncomfortable $10 chair. The chair that I got at…
Sean: I think my ass and spine are like molded in this position now. I used to think it was uncomfortable, but now it just seems normal for 2 ½ to 3 hours.
Dick: It really does. When people bust my balls – whenever I post a picture of the studio, people immediately bust my balls over the chair. Like, “get some comfortable chairs.” And I think – I don’t know how I could do this show in a comfortable chair.
Sean: Well you’d probably want to lean back too much and, you know, fuck around with the angle. Some of them adjust 3 ways.
Dick: I don’t like comfort. That’s my thing, I don’t like comfort. I don’t want this to be a comfortable show. If I’m uncomfortable, then everybody’s uncomfortable.
Sean: Right. The way you like it.
Dick: Yeah. You look for a guy – you see a guy doping something, and if he’s got a comfortable chair, he’s fucking up. You look at the supreme court, you see those – they might as well be on chaise lounges up there.
Sean: Well the fucking…
Dick: The media!
Sean: No, I mean the… The mean age is like 109 on the supreme court.
Dick: That’s so stupid.
Sean: Ginsberg, like mid 80’s, right?
Dick: Yeah. How’s that for a fuckup, not retiring when your guy’s in office. Right? What are you – you want to be a supreme court so bad for like the next…
Sean: (interjects) You’re talking about Ginsberg?
Sean: Oh, I think she’s staying on because she’s so fundamentally opposed to this administration that her vote matters.
Dick: Yeah, but why didn’t she retire when it was good for the party? Why didn’t she retire in Obama?
Sean: Somebody could be appointed.
Dick: This is how stupid these geniuses running the country are, right?> Yeah, we all know what’s going on, it’s all politics all the time. Just retire when your guy’s in so we can get a young person in so they can clone you and just get an artificially intelligent version of you in your spot for the end of fucking time, you idiot. What’s wrong with you?! And you gotta convince them of that? “Hey moron, get off your comfy-ass sofa, come into my office so I can explain to you how time works. You’re gonna die really fucking soon! Don’t fuck us!”
Sean: You know what I don’t think - I think some of the ego comes into it and being placated and being catered to. I think sometimes these people who achieve these really high positions kind of feel like they’re invincible. Like I’m always gonna be here, I’m a goddamn institution. I’m a supreme court justice.
Dick: When I’m gone who cares?
Sean: I guess, yeah.
Dick: I don’t even want to talk about the supreme court.
Sean: Yeah. How did that happen?
Dick: Comfortable chairs. They have the most comfortable chairs in the world, so don’s trust them, because they’re there to sit on that chair forever. That’s what – if you gave the supreme courts chairs that we use on The Dick Show, they’d retire immediately! That’s what Trump’s gotta do, the executive order – throw out their chairs, replace them with chairs from The Dick Show studio, which are the least comfortable chairs in the world.
Sean: Right. Save money and keep career supreme court justices off of the bench.
Dick: Yeah. Let’s see how you motherfuckers really like running the country if you have to sit your bony fucking asses on Dick Show chairs all day! Retired, retired, retired, retired. You’re gonna have to convince them to stay there.
Sean: I don’t think it matters for Sotomayor, she’s got a big fat ass.
Dick: We’re gonna end up with 9 Latina judges over time.
Dick: We’re gonna have to pick supreme court justices with only the fattest of asses. It’s gonna be Diamond, Silk, Sotomayor, and half of my family reunion.
Sean: Scalia was pretty fat.
Dick: He had a big fat ass.
Sean: Yeah, he could have – he could have held on a while.
Dick: That’s what it’s gonna be. Trump’s gonna come up or whoever’s – it’s just gonna be a billboard the size of the justice’s ass. Look at the size of this judge’s ass, he’s gonna be there forever overturning abortion. Or making abortions mandatory. Whatever side of the aisle you’re on it’s gonna be an ass contest. Sean, everything goes back to ass.
Sean: Yeah. And contests.
Dick: yes, and contests.
Sean: So everything’s an ass contest.
Dick: It’s just why are we – why are we going through this stupid dog and pony show with the confirmations listening to a bunch of other fatasses in comfortable fatass – in skinny-ass chairs – expensive skinny-ass chairs, bloviating and going on in a boring way, and none of them are funny. None of those confirmations are funny expect for people with no senses of humor. That’s it.
Sean: The hearing’s I’m old enough to remember – the Clarence Thomas hearings where they had Anita Hill I think was the person – he allegedly, you know – that was where we learned the term “sexual [hair-ress-ment.]” Because that’s how it was – isn’t the fucking word “harassment?” The fuck did this happen? So I remember them talking about a pubic hair in a Coke can. That’s what I remember. Like it was on the mouth of a Coke can or something – like this was very important.
Dick: Very important that we talk about this pubic hair. Oh yeah, but I’m the idiot who thinks that it should be ass-based, that we’re talking about cum stains and pubic hairs on soda cans on C-Span, but I’m stupid for thinking it should be an ass contest.
Sean: Well, you know, you’re ahead of your time.
Dick: Thank you. Because you’ve got to worry about obesity too. People are gonna say, “well that’s a big ass Trump,” but that motherfucker could have a heart attack at any moment. You gotta reel that ass in, right? You gotta ream that ass in! You can’t get too big of an ass!
Sean: It’s a balance point.
Dick: Between heart disease and who can survive the gauntlet of – you know what Sean? We’re just gonna give them bar stools. The supreme court’s not even gonna get these uncomfortable chairs. They’re gonna have to sit in a bar stool that’s about this wide, so it’s always making your asshole fall asleep, and you always think you’re stretching it out. Those motherfuckers won’t last 10 minutes, let alone a lifetime. Fuck their chairs! That’s what’s making me a rage this week, the supreme court’s comfortable-ass chairs! Get rid of them! Bar stools where your legs have to dangle – you don’t even – I’m not even gonna give you that bar – that foot bar that you can hook your heels in.
Sean: Oh no, it would cut your circulation off, right across your hamstrings. That fucking sucks. And that almost never happens to me because I have long legs. But yeah, if you’re sitting on a bar stool with no bar rail…
Dick: (interjects) You’re fucked.
Sean: Yeah. It’s so uncomfortable.
Dick: Good luck. Good luck looking smart while your feet are dangling. And we’re gonna remove…
Sean: (interjects) Like a 5-year-old.
Dick: Like a 5-year-old. No hooks, because we want to be gender equal not.
Sean: What do the hooks have to do with gender?
Dick: Well because the women are shorter.
Sean: Oh, so they’re not gonna reach?
Dick: Yeah, so they’re not gonna reach when they don’t give men those hooks. They’re gonna be 7-feet tall. They’re gonna need a boost to get in like a Victorian bicycle. We’re gonna throw these fat fucks in the air. (laughing) It’s a better system than what we have. It’s much better.
Sean: I guess, yeah.
Dick: It’s much better than talking about cum stains on Monika Lewinski’s dress, and pubic hairs on soda cans. It’s much more dignified, juggling fatsos. Juggling fat old Latino women.
Sean: It couldn’t get any less dignified. It’s such a farce. Everything’s a farce.
Dick: You know I hope – I don’t want to talk about politics. I’d rather talk about Road Rage. What I really hope Trump does is just like say, “Yeah, here’s my supreme court justice, and actually I’m making 100 more supreme courts. 100 more justices.”
Sean: Well, I mean this is what FDR threatened to do to get the new deal.
Dick: Yeah. Why not?
Dick: Yeah. Fuck it.
Sean: He was gonna add 10, right? He was gonna add 10.
Sean: Oh, that’s what he was gonna do?
Dick: Pack the court. It was some kind of weird system where he was gonna – maybe it was 10, I dunno. I think it was 15.
Sean: Well yeah, maybe. But it was like he had some bullshit reason. But it’s like history has written it so he could run the new deal through, and he’d just appoint people until they said, “Yeah, you can totally do this.”
Dick: Called a threat.
Dick: We all know – we all understand. That’s no better than my fatso-juggling – my fatso circus that would be the supreme court. Fuck ‘em, they never take the gun cases anyway. Fuck those assholes. Alright everybody, Dallas was – Dallas was incredible.
Sean: It was really fun.
Dick: It was really fun. Diego said it was his favorite.
Sean: My 2 favorites are Chicago and Dallas, bar none.
Dick: Yeah, that was great.
Sean: Yeah. They’re right there, neck and neck.
Dick: It was so great. It was great seeing everybody. Ethan Cantrell did an incredible job as an opener.
Dick: That guy was funny as fuck. Did you see him show up in that little Maddox costume with an eyepatch?
Sean: Yeah, I did.
Dick: Very funny guy. It takes a lot of balls to go in front of that crowd.
Sean: Well he brought it. You know, he wasn’t…
Dick: (interjects) Like I do!
Sean: He wasn’t timid.
Dick: Yeah, he did bring it. Great tunes. He’s got Cutting the Cable. I want to thank him. Ethan Cantrell, Cutting the Cable. He’s got an album, and he’s The Dick Extension is another album of his that you can get on bandcamp.
Sean: We met Savestate Corrupted. (Not Myroom Records.)
Sean: Which is cool.
Dick: It was cool. He gave me a secret USB thumb drive too.
Sean: Yeah, what’s on it?
Sean: Can’t tell?
Dick: I dunno. I haven’t checked it out yet, I just remembered.
Dick: He came up to me in a really clandestine way.
Sean: Like you’re slipping money.
Dick: Like, I don’t know if this is a threat or a bonus. Like if I open this up I don’t know what’s going to be on it.
Sean: Oh really? You really don’t know?
Dick: Yeah. I really don’t know. I haven’t looked at it yet. Let’s see… Asterios was doing Adam P’nache, which was – I think that’s the most – that’s the hardest I’ve ever laughed at one of his show bits.
Sean: Is that right?
Dick: I think so.
Sean: He was driving me nuts coming down the stairs. Driving me fucking insane. He was doing like the slowest old man dance of all time coming down the stairs. I mean you want to talk about – you know, comedians in the spotlight and you know.
Dick: It was perfect.
Sean: Oh, no, it was amazing. It was amazing, but it made me anxious. Like – I was like, “get on the fucking stage! C’mon!”
Dick: Sometimes you’re like the Squidward of the show, and me and Asterios are the SpongeBob and the Patrick.
Sean: Yes, yes.
Dick: If you go to Patreon.com/thedickshow you can see the video. I hope to have it up early this week. Hopefully Wednesday or Thursday. It depends on the video guys. They all know this – I hope they move their fucking ass if they’re listening to this, because it’s great. The show’s fucking great. But I announce Asterios and I spend all this time building him up to try to give him the chance to get down so the show can go at a clip, you know. I don’t – I like to keep things lively, right, when everybody’s shitfaced. Especially as the show goes on.
Sean: Yeah, you gotta keep, you know, attention.
Dick: And when I’m done announcing him – when I’m done doing my enormously long intro that was even longer than this, Asterios comes out of the greenroom, which is at the top of a flight of stairs and starts crawling down at the speed of a space shuttle.
Sean: Like some weird shuffle. Like a retarded version of the robot or something.
Dick: It was so funny. And it got funny like halfway through, and then it got funny at the end. I swear to god that guy – that guy live is one of the funniest people I have ever seen live, because he is so crazy.
Dick: And he totally runs the show.
Sean: Oh yeah. He’s really a performer. Like live, no doubt.
Dick: He’s just incredible. I don’t know what you do with that. I hope that his garage tour, which by the way, the garage tour is taking place…
Sean: Garage tour? Is this more than one place now?
Dick: Sean, how could it possible – the first stop of Asterios’s comedy garage tour is starting in Atlanta August 3rd. Is that right?
Sean: The day before our show?
Dick: And then we’re doing a Road Rage the next day in Atlanta on the fourth at a place, I think it’s called The Masquerade.
Sean: Wow, just like that. Happening quick.
Dick: Well, Asterios was doing his thing, and Ryan, who initially got him to do it, Ryan, whose idea it was to fly Asterios and have him do stand up in his garage – I wanted to go and then thought, “well, we have all these people who want to go and see Asterios, why don’t we turn it into a thing? Why don’t we have a show the next day?” Because we always have a huge Road Rage shitshow on Friday before, so let’s do the comedy show, let’s get all the people there, and while they’re there, let’s just make a whole weekend out of this thing. Let’s make it as big as possible for god sake. Somebody wants to come to a Road Rage, you come to a Road Rage, you come to an Asterios show too!
Sean: It’s an experience. It’s a weekend. It really is a weekend. They become weekends.
Dick: And they’re all a blur between all the awesome people we meet and all the catastrophically bad decisions that are made.
Sean: Yeah, too much fun. Someone has too much fun.
Dick: Too much fun. We went to – anyway… So Asterios comes down and does his Adam P’nache bit, which is the funniest thing I’ve seen him do, whipping people off the stage.
Sean: Oh god that was funny.
Dick: he gives out the lost episode drive, which I haven’t seen anybody post The Biggest Problem lost episode #4.
Sean: They’re savoring it I think.
Dick: They’re savoring it, yeah. Maybe someone’s finally gonna fuck us and not release one, and there would be one permanently lost.
Sean: I doubt it.
Dick: Maybe something happened to him. Maybe he got lost in the goss on his way home. Permanently lost in the desert now. MadCucks retired!
Sean: Yeah, that was a shock. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. All I know is there was a – he said something like that, and then it got serious, and then there was lots of screaming between 3 different parties.
Dick: Kimball and MadCucks and Asterios.
Sean: Yeah, there was a lot of angry yelling. There was a little Italy in the world wars going on. I mean one of them flipped pretty quick. You know, he was on one side, and then he was on the other.
Dick: Yeah. It was weird. I’m sad to see MadCucks go. I really enjoy him. He’s a really hilarious guy. The way he writes stuff on the fly in his head is funny, because it’s hard enough to be funny as yourself, but then you’re being funny in live satire. That’s not – that’s very difficult to do. And he’s done a lot for the show and for me in starting the show. So I hope he had a good time with it, and I hope he had a good sendoff. We recorded a Biggest Solutions episode, MadCucks and I, that we’re gonna release soon. There’s a chance it was ruined by Coach and my man who were making commentary on the side.
Sean: There’s nothing worse than [Sean makes some incoherent noises.]
Dick: Yeah. Who thought they were reading Twitter I guess during – or they were just commenting to their wives, but they were not. But we’ll see. I had a lot of fun doing it. It was a nice cap too. Madcucks, I think, closed both series out. The problems we did one last one, and the solutions we did one last one. He ended the show with what I think is the final solution in a way, no pun intended obviously. I wish I had made the joke at the time, but I think it’s a good episode. It’s funny. It’s not gonna be out bonus episode for the month, so if you think Coach and my man ruined it, don’t worry. We’re doing another bonus episode like normal. That was just something fun that I wanted to do because we were all in the same room, and rarely do we get to be in the same room. Oh, and Peach won the mustard thing, no big deal. Let’s move on!
Dick: Anyway. Let’s see here. I got some stuff from the sh- OH my god! And somebody got shot at the venue right after the show!
Sean: And there were like 14 people in there to watch some fucking DJ show, and 14 people, somebody’s gotta shoot somebody.
Dick: After the show we all went to a bar, I think Coach and Asterios both got kicked out.
Sean: Yeah, I heard this.
Dick: And then when we went to go look for them, when we went to go leave at the end, there was 20 police cars and caution tape all around the venue that we had just left. Apparently, the venue made some kind of last minute decision to squeeze an act in after us.
Sean: Yeah, which is fucking bullshit! I hate it when they do that!
Dick: Yeah. They asked Diego. Apparently, they told him it was like a favor and it was a personal friend of the guy’s.
Sean: Yeah. Well no good deed goes unpunished motherfucker.
Dick: Uh oh, I wonder who this is. Hello?
Peach: Hey, it’s Peach.
Sean: Oh, it’s who I thought it was.
Dick: Hey Peach, what do you want?
Peach: Hey, I wanted to see how you were doing. How are you? How are you feeling?
Dick: Not good. I still feel like I’m gonna throw up.
Peach: Wait a minute, I can’t hear you over the sound of your butt being hurt, what was that?
Dick: I still feel like I’m gonna throw up. Trying to drink the mustard with you, just putting it up to my mouth and feeling the taste for the first time is like my first bee sting. Like I’ll never forget that feeling. I already felt like I was gonna puke all day. All day, every single – breathing made me want to throw up I was so hungover the day of the show, and I had forgotten about the mustard drinking contest.
Peach: Oh, you are so full of shit, because I asked you. I said, “Hey, how are you feeling” beforehand. You were like, “oh, I feel great. Oh, I could take you any time.” You are so full of it. You’re just salty and sour. You had maybe a teaspoon of mustard, I downed the entire – what is that, a pint? A half a pint?
Dick: I don’t think I swallowed any to be honest.
Sean: I think it was like a pint.
Dick: Okay, let me rephrase this. If I was at my best, I couldn’t have beaten you at that contest. I’m disgusted by what you drank.
Sean: Yeah. You did it so easily.
Dick: Let’s watch it. I have it, let’s watch it.
Sean: You made it look easy. There was no glugging, it was just like pouring down a…
Dick: (interjects) Cock. Hehehehehehe!
Sean: … tube. Well, she had an unfair advantage I would think.
Dick: Yeah, what is it that you said right before we did the contest Peach?
Peach: I had an advantage. I spoke with a doctor, and I asked him, “hey, I’m entering this stupid contest. First of all, is this amount of sodium gonna kill me or hurt me in some way? And secondly, do you have any advice?” And I got helpful advice on how not to throw up.
Dick: Oh. What the hell was that?
Sean: No, we were talking about sucking dick.
Dick: Yeah, you were talking about – you were talking about…
Peach: (interject) Oh, I psyched you out. First of all, the doctor tole me to drink a little bit of heavy cream beforehand, and maybe a piece of bread so it wouldn’t hurt my stomach. And then I just thought I would psyche you out by being like, “whoever wins is really good at drinking cum I guess,” to gross you out, and I guess maybe that helps, I don’t know.
Dick: You didn’t gross me out. You didn’t believe that?
Peach: Do what?
Dick: Nothing, nothing, nothing. I’m gonna play it right now. I got it cranked as high as it’ll go. I got this video… (crosstalk)
Sean: Yeah, okay.
(Dick plays the video)
Dick: Yeah, right there. That’s the first taste of it. Have you seen the pictures that people took of this? They’re very unflattering.
Peach: Yeah, no. It’s not – neither one of us look very cute, that’s for sure.
Dick: At this point I was just holding it up to my mouth so you wouldn’t think that I had quit and keep drinking.
Sean: Well you picked up the bucket and made a huge dry heave.
Dick: Yeah, I thought it was coming up.
Sean: I thought so too.
Peach: I’ll be perfectly honest, I actually was so focused on just getting it down as quickly as I could and as much as I could that I didn’t even know you stopped until Madcucks said” he’s done. You already won.” And then I was like fuck it, if I’m gonna win I’m gonna finish.
Sean: You did, you finished.
Dick: It’s revolting watching it again. I gotta watch it one more time though. Can you see it Sean?
Sean: Yeah, I can see it.
(Dick plays the video again)
Dick: Here it comes. Here comes the first dry heave. Yup. Oh god, it was like getting punched in the throat.
Peach: It wasn’t that bad.
Dick: It was disgusting! The Whataburger mustard, that was absolutely disgusting! IT’s vial that you drank it.
Peach: The whole reason we made this bet was because you and I were hanging out, and I had some ham, and I was like, “Hey I want to have some mustard,” and you had shitty brown mustard. Then we start bragging about who could eat more mustard and you were like, “Oh, I could drink the whole thing,” and I was like “okay, let’s do it then! I dare you.” And here you are acting like, “Oh the first taste of mustard…”
Dick: (interjects) Peach, you already won. What do you want? What do you want, a double win? We all remember what happened.
Peach: I just want to gloat.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: Road Rage Atlanta horseradish eating contest.
Peach: Wait, wait, wait. I don’t know if you did this on purpose, but Road Rage Atlanta is on my birthday.
Sean: It was definitely not done on purpose.
Dick: It was not done on purpose. I make it a point not to remember anybody’s birthday because I want to be able to tell them that I don’t remember when their birthday is so I don’t have to get them a present.
Peach: Well you do owe me a beautiful song about how great I am now.
Dick: Yup, I remember.
Peach: So, are you going to present it to me at the show?
Dick: I actually already wrote it. Here it is. (Dick makes a short yelping sound) So that’s it, that’s my one note song.
Peach: Beautiful, I love it.
Dick: I remember the bet, I’ll write you your fucking song.
Peach: Cool. Alright.
Dick: Your Greenberger song was terrific, that you sang at the show.
Peach: Oh, thank you. I’ll try to record it as soon as I can, and if you want I can put it up on the Reddit or whatever you want.
Dick: That was fantastic. Really incredible.
Peach: Thank you so much.
Dick: And your outfits get better every show.
Sean: They do.
Dick: We might not be able to have a 10th one of these Road Rages.
Sean: I forgot she sang.
Dick: A dress did.
Peach: well thank you. I try to look for the stupidest, most cartoonish looking dress. So, thank you so much, I had a blast. Thank you so much.
Dick: Congratulations on your mustard win. Even at my best I couldn’t come close to drinking that amount of mustard. You’re a champion.
Peach: I love you, and I’m really proud of you for doing your best. Good job.
Sean: Oh god.
Dick: (mumbles) too. Alright, get out of here.
Peach: Alright, see you guys later. Bye.
Dick: See you, bye.
Dick: Oh boy. Alrighty, well there it is folks. There’s the mustard challenge. You know what I loved about Dallas that I heard while we were there?
Sean: Huh, what’s that?
Dick: A radio ad about guns.
Sean: You heard a radio – oh really? I don’t think I listened to any radio.
Dick: Guy talking about “We got hundreds of guns! 500 guns under $100! Come on down to.” It was like a full on…
Sean: Cal Worthington.
Dick: Cal Worthington, but about guns. That was great. Let’s see here. Oh, but I was saying – did I already talk about the club getting shot up? They asked Diego if they could squeeze somebody in after us, and this is my favorite part of the trip, this is my favorite story from the trip, Jamie Lynn Hughes apparently had her purse up in the green room. And the act that was going on after us was some hip-hop DJ. So the second we were gone, the room was full – the entourage for the hip-hop DJ. There’ was probably about 30 or 40 people in there.
Sean: More than on the floor.
Dick: Yeah, way more than on the floor. So she goes up there, you know, tossing her head around, and “who are y’all supposed to be thinking that it’s ours, but it’s not.” Her purse is in there or something. So 80’s girl runs and gets Coach, who pulls up his big boy pants and struts in like he’s gonna defend – like he’s got some purpose to be in there, right?
Sean: I didn’t know about any of this.
Dick: So he steps in, and immediately his ass falls out, because he sees, “Oh, uh, actually I need an adult. I need to go get some other people.” Anyway, I don’t know if that was a great story. It was funny imagining that guy strutting up there and going, like an Indiana Jones movie, like he goes – these two little girls get one guy to handle the green room of a hip-hop DJ that they already started an altercation with by charging in going “and who the fuck are y’all supposed to be in this room?” And he stamps in like the big man on campus only to see like Indiana Jones style like, “Okay, we gotta get out of here. Get your stuff. I gotta find somebody in switch clothes so I can get out of here.” And then somebody gets shot! That’s why I thought it was so funny, because it’s like, “Yeah. You don’t want to start beefs in this situation because something might happen, you know? Like, eh, you’re just being an idiot. 20-minutes later, somebody got killed. So, put that one in your pipe and smoke it. Okay.
Sean: We were coming back to the – because, you know, we parked at the club. We had a rental and walked back with Diego and probably about 3 or 4 other people. There’s the audio engineer, there’s the engineer standing next to the cop car talking to the cop, and he sees us like, “you guys should’ve just stayed here and podcasted all night.”
Dick: The audio engineer circle. You guys are always getting the straight dope from each other.
Sean: Just recognized us. Said, “Oh man, would’ve worked out better for you, huh?”
Dick: Oh, wait a minute. I gotta ask Peach one more thing.
Sean: Then he goes, “Eh, it happens.” Hehehehehe! I almost forgot that part. Like yeah, it happens.
Dick: Yeah, it happens.
Sean: How many times does this happen?
Dick: I gotta ask Peach one more thing. She sent me a weird text after the show.
(Dick calls Peach on Skype)
Peach: This is Peach, what’s up.
Dick: Hey Peach, I gotta ask you one more thing. What did you mean when you said I have to ask my man about the way he wipes his ass and that it was weird?
Peach: Oh yeah. So, I was still half asleep, and he comes in like, “everyone’s making fun of the way I wipe my ass.” And I’m like what do you mean? Someone walked in on him and caught him in the act of wiping his ass in a strange way, and I said, “well, how are you wiping your ass?”
Sean: Dragging it around d on the floor.
Dick: Like a dog.
Peach: No, he demonstrated – he sat down like he was pretending to take a shit, right? He spread his legs, and then he reached in between his legs and then dragged his hand from the top of his ass crack down towards his balls and like in between his legs.
Dick: Oh, I think people do that.
Peach: You don’t go to the side?
Dick: Do people not do that? I don’t fucking do that.
Sean: Is this gonna be another over the waistband brawl?
Dick: No, it’s too gross. Okay, alright, I thought it was gonna be much weirder than that.
Peach: Well no, but the way he – I can’t describe it. Just the way he hunched over and dragged his – and also you can’t wipe back to front.
Dick: Well you can’t. A guy can.
Peach: Well neither should he. What if he got shit all over his balls? He must like sitting on the toilet and peeing, and sitting and peeing.
Dick: Alright. Alright. Another one of these. This is another one of Peach – The woman drinks mustard like it’s water at the – that she’s run a marathon, but guys and their penises touching porcelain, that’s too much.
Sean: Well she won’t take a bath either.
Peach: You just close your eyes and think of England, you know? That’s all there is to it.
Dick: Okay, goodbye Peach. Thank you. That’s been bugging me all weekend.
Sean: I don’t know what that means.
Dick: I also gotta thank the Breaking Brew meadery. They made a $20-million dollar mead.
Sean: Yeah, they made a bomb. Hehehehe. What?
Dick: Yeah. I don’t know if it was the heat or what, they brought this amazing case of custom $20-million mead.
Sean: It was like raspberry mead. Right? Because mead is a honey wine essentially.
Dick: It’s honey and raspberry and it’s got this cool label. The Breaking Brew meadery – the guy was fantastic, but the bottles, I don’t know if it was the heat or what, but poor Sean is sitting in…
Sean: The first victim.
Dick: Yeah. Sitting in the bar after the show, watching in slow motion. I saw you doing it, watching the mead bottle, watching the cork creep out of the mead bottle, turtle head out. Crack the seal.
Sean: Yup. And it just kept going and kept going. And I’m like yup, better put my fucking thumb on this thing. I thought you know what, it’s going to come out, I don’t want it to pop and then start overflowing, so I thought okay, I’ll kinda put my thumb over it at the last second. Do a controlled burn, so to speak.
Dick: So you put it on at the last second?
Sean: Well no, I had it just loosely. You know, so I’ll maintain the cork and hopefully it won’t – you know, I didn’t know how fucking carbonated it was. Well it shot all over the fucking place like a Rain Bird sprinkler, more than any champagne I’ve ever popped. And people turn around, all I head is Dick laughing and people screaming because it’s about to shoot – I mean, it probably got a few people, but I immediately grabbed it, turned it over, and dumped it out by my feet under the bench. That was the only thing to do.
Dick: That what I was screaming, Sean’s spraying beer at everyone. Look everybody, Sean’s spraying beer all over everybody.
Sean: Yup. And then luckily about 30 seconds after that, somebody broke a mug, so the attention was averted. So somebody dropped a full beer mug and it shattered all over. Well 3 other ones exploded that night too.
Dick: Oh noooo! Oh, I felt bad enough just seeing yours because there were only 20 of those.
Sean: And then one back at the Air B&B. I wasn’t there for that, but…
Dick: (interjects) I was there for that. I had a bottle, and I had it in my bag, or maybe it was Jamie’s bottle. I had it in the bag that I laid on the counter, and Coach unfortunately sat right in front of it. The stupidest thing! Like, even when it was happening to you, I could see something going wrong. Like I saw the top crack, like eh, I should get around to that, but maybe it’ll work itself out.
Sean: It did.
Dick: Yeah. Coach sat down. He happened to be sitting right in front of the bag, and there was this huge pop. Right when we were talking about the guy getting shot. So everybody’s like “huh?” Uh oh, we’re all in a war zone all of a sudden, and the bottle explodes and sprays Coach in the back.
Sean: (laughing) That’s why he had a shirt with wet stains all over it!
Dick: Yeah! He had a white shirt with a California flag on the front. A white shirt that he wore to Dallas. I don’t know if he brought any clothes to be honest. The cork blasted off and hosed him down with honey mead. You know, my only concern was keeping the mead, as much of it as possible, but he really got doused. It was funny.
Sean: I don’t know. I don’t know why they – why that happened, but it happened to a number of them.
Dick: I don’t know either. Okay, I got this (Dick stutters) Jesus Christ.
Sean: If you had your bottle of mead blow up, post it to the Reddit or Facebook group.
Dick: Yeah, be careful! Tie it down. I immediately strapped mine down.
Sean: Did it make it?
Dick: Yes. Mine made it. I got some saran wrap and wrapped it down.
Sean: And then put it in a Ziploc with some taped.
Dick: Yes. I put some cargo ties. Mine is like the get smart door now. I’ve got some Russian dolls on it.
Sean: Got it.
Dick: Yeah. Put it in a cooler. And then all that is in a sub-zero fridge. Thanks everybody for coming.
Sean: Yeah, it was a blast. Total blast.
Dick: The next one is in Atlanta, following Asterios’s garage comedy tour.
Sean: We’re trying to get hotter. We’re trying to go from hot to hotter.
Dick: Yeah. Then we’re gonna go to Ecuador. And then we’re gonna go…
Sean: To hell.
Dick: Yeah, then we’re gonna go to hell. We’re gonna go to hell as we go to the other side of the world where summer will start again. We’re just gonna do an endless tour of absolutely – god, I couldn’t take that heat man.
Dick: Like I said, nothing could convince me to do a day of labor in that amount of heat.
Sean: It’s the humidity that makes it so bad.
Dick: I wouldn’t run from a bear in that fucking heat. Getting in the car while in that heat, where someone else in in charge of turning the car on and starting the air conditioner as quickly as possible made me murderous. Every single fucking time, no matter who it was. If this car doesn’t fucking start, I’m going to kill you and take your keys.
Sean: Don’t buckle your seatbelt. Do not plug in your fucking phone! Do not do anything until – you get in there and immediately turn the key or push the button, whatever.
Dick: Start it right now.
Sean: Air, full blast. Then you do what you gotta do.
Dick: Yeah, that was rough. We had a loud AC unit too.
Sean: In the Air B&B?
Dick: Yeah, in the Air B&B. All night. These Air B&B’s, they really hug the line – they really straddle the line of how poorly we will treat each other, you know? Like there’s no – you will show up with no towels and there will be a ketchup packet of shampoo of body wash, and that’s it. Can you guys – would you live here? Do you go – do you think that we travel with Sherpas, loaded up with fucking towels to use in your precious house?
Sean: It’s essentially a hotel. It should be, you know…
Dick: A little bit! You want to keep fucking around, and this whole thing’s gonna get regulated because people are getting pissed. Every fucking time we go in, it’s worse than – I never thought I would get worse hospitality than showering at a friend’s house. You shower at a friend’s house, that’s the worst hospitality you will ever get in your life. They’ll give you a hand-towel about this big to dry your entire body.
Sean: It’s like planes, trains, and automobiles after John Candy uses like 19 towels and Steve Martin’s left with like the 8-inch by 8-inch washcloth.
Dick: You can never – every guest bathroom in the world should just be burned the fuck down, because they’re all totally unusable. They’re all drying up. None of them are stocked. They’re handing you dish soap to wash – here you go, here’s some lavender-scented Dial. Hey, you got any soap? Yeah, there’s some soap in there. It’s what people use to wash their hands after they take a piss, just take it into the shower with you. I wouldn’t use it, I would never use it, but you go ahead, go nuts.
Sean: You can squeeze all those little soap ruminants together, it’ll become like shavings. If you much like 12 of them together, you’ll get something that will sort of lather up.
Dick: That I would love, because every Air B&B we’ve gone to has had a starter kit of how to fuck people over. Every single one has the same exact sandpaper towels and the same coconut-scented Dove bodywash. Are you fucking – we’re all gonna smell the fucking same, just get an unscented one for god’s sake! Every single time, these Air B&B’s, it’s driving me nuts. Let’s see, what else makes me a rage… Fireworks police.
Sean: fireworks police? You trying to get fireworks?
Dick: I love fireworks.
Sean: Yeah, who doesn’t?
Dick: Who doesn’t love fireworks? The time of fireworks. We get one month of the year. Pride month just ended. We’ve gotta sit through a month of Verizon telling us how important it is, and implying that we’re all bigots. Like implying that you’re a bigot if you’re not on Verizon, yet they still have service in countries where it’s illegal to be gay.
Sean: Um, sure.
Dick: No problems with that though! Right? Oh yeah, so you guys still have service in Abu Dhabi? Because when I was there, I was using Verizon.
Sean: Well if it costs us one dollar, you know. That’s where our morals end, so.
Dick: It’s time for America month, man. It’s time for America month. Let’s get those fucking fireworks going. But here, it is totally verboten, fireworks. All these – every day I see another post from somebody about how dangerous they are.
Dick: How it’s frightening everyone’s fucking animals. Fuck your animals!
Sean: Yeah. The reason not to do them in certain areas is obviously fires, because Southern California catches on fire, like the entire area. We just had 3 big ones this past year.
Dick: Yeah. Were they fireworks related?
Sean: Well, no. They were – one, they don’t know how it started. One was a homeless guy. And then the other…
Dick: Trying to be funny?
Sean: You know, cooking fire got… Yeah, he was sautéing some halibut or something.
Dick: These homeless, they should do sous-vide. That’s gonna be my new charity, sous-vide for the homeless so they stop starting all these fires, because the temperature doesn’t get hot enough to light anything on fire. They just need a nice little basin, throw their sous-vide thermometer in there, cook up some beans, no big deal. Fucking fireworks. All over town, no fireworks. Permanent placards in there, shitting all over America with their lack of enthusiasm. Meanwhile, firemen across the street lighting off mortars, no big deal.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah. They have fun.
Dick: There you go, that’s what makes me a rage this week. That and the supreme court thing.
Sean: Yeah, comfortable chairs for the supreme court. Slacker asses.
Dick: Not remembering to pack underwear.
Sean: Oh, you didn’t have any?
Dick: No. I forgot. I totally forgot to pack underwear for Road Rage. Texas liquor laws, this guy submitted in the rage bucket.
Sean: Yeah. There’s a lot of weird stuff in the south. Nothing on Sundays, you know.
Dick: Yeah. Road debris, rocks breaking your new car windshield. What a fuck you from god that one is. Family that won’t shut the fuck up about anything. Hot people working shitty jobs.
Sean: Is a rage?
Dick: Yeah. What are hot people doing working shitty jobs? They should just be – what do you mean hot people working shitty jobs? Give those people working shitty jobs some hot people to interact with, to talk to. Right? How could that make you a rage, because they’re slackers or something like that?
Sean: It’ll probably make like the other employees, you know, act their best. Maybe get the most out of themselves and maybe move up, get out of that shitty job.
Dick: Yeah, and you could interact with this how person. They don’t know they’re hot.
Sean: If they’re working a shitty job they definitely don’t know they’re hot.
Dick: They don’t know that they’re out of your league. Go after it. Asterios not suing the hell out of Maddox. Oh boy, did we talk about that enough last week? Holy shit, yelling across the house. Goddamn, that’s a good one. People who brag about never having had a Big Mac before. Just make them eat it. Give them a – If somebody ever brags about never having a Big Mac to you, pick them up a kale smoothie and stick a Big Mac in it. Guess what, you just drank a Big Mac. You just ate a Big Mac bitch.
Sean: Yeah. And you like kale smoothies way more than you thought.
Dick: Yeah. And follow them around for the rest of their life. Go, “hey, guess what. This person has eaten a Big Mac, and I did it to them.” Oh, okay. The fucking Grand Canyon by Andy- Oh, I gotta thank Tigger’s Body Art for the tattoos they did. The guy who had the Beavis and Buttsean – Dickvis and Buttsean tattoo.
Sean: That’s what it was? Dickvis and Buttsean? That was awesome.
Dick: Yeah. They did that when they did the other – I think it was Fred who got the show logo.
Sean: Yeah. That was cool.
Dick: Right? That was very fucking cool. It looked great. The show logo looks fucking great.
Sean: Super sharp.
Dick: Clay Early – not Clay Early, Andy Lee’s art, the Dickvis and Buttsean looked really cool too.
Sean: It did.
Dick: Okay. Let me play a song. This is Do It For Spite by Myroom Records, (not Savestate Corrupted) here we go.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: I’m gonna get myself in order. I’ve got an erotic story, it’s a good one.
Dick: This is a good song.
Sean: It’s really well produced. This sounds damn good!
Sean: Good Job!
Dick: It’s giving me goosebumps.
Sean: I like 3/4-time too. You know.
Dick: You do.
Sean: It works! It works. People think it’s always waltz’s, but I mean like, you can use it for rock.
Sean: It adds a depth.
Dick: Sean, this is giving me fucking goosebumps, this song. It’s talking about suing. That is the measure for songs on the show now. If it gives us goosebumps you gotta raise your hand. I’ve got the bumps. We gotta talk about the countersuit on this episode eventually. Hopefully not make everybody kill themselves.
Sean: I guess it’s supposed to be able to count to 6/8 but… splitting errors.
Dick: Alright, there we go. Thank you, Myroom Records, Do It For Spite. Thanks very much buddy! Opener for Portland. This was something that the merch girl – did you see this?
Sean: I did see that.
Dick: The merch girl felt the need to write this in Dallas. Guys, she posted this in front of the merch booth. Guys, stop approaching me to make small-talk and try to get a reaction out of me with your MAGA hats and edgy offensive comments. She put “offensive” in quotes just to stick it to everybody.
Sean: Oh, those look like triple parenthesis.
Dick: Hehehehe, “I don’t care :) buy something or leave <3” Well this has antagonism written all over it. I know what being antagonized feels like. We’ve got “offensive” in quotes, I don’t care, and a smiley face and a heart at the end. That’s 1, 2, 3 strikes, you’ve antagonized me. If you were trying to de-escalate the situation, this note would’ve looked very different. Those things would’ve been gone. People can’t help themselves.
Sean: They have to be aggressive.
Dick: Always with the sweetie shit, the honey shit, the heart shit. Every single fucking time. When they finally win and men are completely emasculated, and we’re all entirely soy, we subsist on soy and no one works out anymore, and gyms themselves are illegal, women are going to have to start answering for this shit. This type of antagonism. I don’t know what to call it. Alright, let’s get to this erotic story.
(Erotic story riff)
Dick: Okay, alright. Let me see if I can read this guy’s name. The Yellow Mouth. [Yellow Mouth Yuck-Yuck?] Here we go.
“Hey Dick, I was recently relistening to all the podcast episodes, and the fake Mad Ducks story pissed me off so much. I hope this helps return some of the sanctity to erotic story telling. I was a young man of 18, a senior in high school. All through high school I loved the IT computer science. This does not attract the beautiful broads.”
Dick: No, it doesn’t.
“However, there was one. I had my eyes on her since the first day of junior year. She’s a blonde, C tits, but the ass on this girl is something that only high school guys dreamed of. So, the end of the year was coming around and we got paired together to work on a web-design project together. Divine intervention gave me a sign that I finally had my chance.”
Dick: You remember that in school, how excited you were to get paired…
Sean: With the hot girl or a hot girl?
Dick: Yeah. I remember for 7th grade graduation I got sat next to the hot girl. A child, by the way.
Sean: You were a child.
Dick: Yeah. I was so – like, oh yeah, this is gonna be fucking great. Just sit there and pretend – of course not talk to her, because that’s – you don’t want to look like you’re interested ever.
Sean: Yeah, you’ve got better things to do.
Dick: They should do that now. We need like a – we need something that puts people – I guess work’s like that. You hire – there’s a hot girl on your team. Oh, I’m gonna email this bitch! So good! Right? Ah yes!
Sean: It’ll be about work, but it’ll be funny.
Dick: Oh, I’m gonna throw in my little sassy gems in there. Then we could go on a conference together.
Dick: We’ll get a little drunk. Take my pants off, go to her room at night, and profess my love to her.
Sean: Take your pants off first?
Dick: Yeah, first.
Sean: Then take the elevator up to your room, you know. Leaving the bar pants-less.
“She came over and sat down next to me. I couldn’t think of anything to say, but her shoes stood out like a sore thumb, how about that? Black sneakers with cool silver zippers on the side. So the nervous voice-cracked stutter I said, “Hey, I like your shoes. Those zippers are sweet.”
Dick: That’s why she’s wearing those zippers man, to hear that. You ever wore zippers on your shoes?
Dick: There you go. Why would you?
Sean: It’s a style thing. It was a conscious choice.
Dick: If I was walking around with a big sipper on my forehead, don’t you think I would want you to comment on it?
Sean: Yeah, I’d say, “Hey zipper-head, nice face.”
“I like your shoes. So she thanks me for the compliment with an awkward glance. We ended up acing the project, and I ended up impressing her with my computer skills so much that we ended up dating over the summer.”?
Dick: Yeah. She was blown out by those computer skills.
Dick: What’s it gonna take for women to appreciate the computer skills? Really, really and truly. You know? You work with wood, you work on a car, I think that women are impressed. If you fucking repair a MySQL database, nothing.
Sean: It’s not considered manly.
Dick: Yeah. What do we gotta do to change that? We gotta make it physical somehow.
Sean: No, you just have to make a lot of money.
Dick: Oh, there you go. You gotta figure it out.
“Every week we went to the drive-in theater and would get really hot and heavy making out in the back of a Cherokee, but we never went past second base.”
Dick: Grabbing boobs.
Sean: At the drive in? How long have you had this letter?
Dick: This was given to me by a man.
Sean: Man, yeah. Been hanging onto it for 87 years.
Dick: Yeah. You gotta read this on the show 109 today or something terrible is going to happen.
Sean: Yeah, got it in a rainstorm.
Dick: Actually said I had to read it on episode… Um, when did we get sued? Then. 50 episodes ago or something.
Sean: Are you Dick Masterson? I got something for you!
“Things were really getting hot, and clothes started disappearing in the primal urges of the youth. I was so horny I couldn’t feel my brain. We had smoked a bunch of sticky-Sean shrubbery shortly before. Before you know it, an 18-year-old virgin boy became a man. I was a solid 6 ½.”
Dick: Okay, thank god you were 18.
“A solid 6 ½ inches deep in this girl, and she kept moaning, “DEEPER, DEEPER, DEEPER, DEEPER.”
Dick: All caps.
“About 20-minutes in.”
Dick: That wouldn’t bother me at 18, but if they kept going “deeper, deeper, deeper,” I’m like, okay, what am I, am I playing with your ass and telling you to do Pilates? No? I’m outta rope here! Alright! I can’t go any fucking deeper!
Sean: Maybe he’s overestimating, or maybe she’s a total whore.
Dick: They just say that.
“About 20-minutes in I heard a door open upstairs and feet coming down the stairs quickly, so did she. Between heavy breathing she kept telling me not to stop. I promptly put my hand over her mouth, and that made her so horny that she was squirming and wouldn’t stop.”
Dick: Poor guy’s on a – it’s like you with the mead.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
“Then the door opens. Her poor little sister saw my fat-ass dick deep in between her spread legs and screamed at the top of her lungs as I busted such a fat virgin nut into her that she could have been impregnated thrice.”
Sean: You’re gonna have to fucking… You’re gonna have to…
Dick: This is the scene. This is his losing his virginity. “AAAAAAH!”
Sean: He’ll have to buy the sister’s silence or something.
“Thank god she was on birth control. Her sister runs, and I hear her talking to her dad. I scrambled to put on my clothes, but I cannot find my shoes, so I put on her cool zipper shoes from high school.”
Sean: (laughing) How big are this chick’s feet?
Dick: This is another joke. She’s gonna end up walking into the woods, and then he takes a blurry picture of her. This is all a big sasquatch joke. This is the tell right here.
“I put on her cool zipper shoes from high school, then I remembered my weed was still in there.”
Sean: Wait, he put on her zipper shoes?
Dick: Yeah. Then I remembered, maybe he had little tiny feet.
Sean: Well that’s what I’m saying.
“Then I remembered my weed was still in here, and I had to hide it. I opened the zipper on the shoes, but to my shock the zipper leads to nothing.”
Dick: There was no pocket in the shoes.
Sean: Yeah. He was thinking practically.
Dick: Well women don’t like pockets. They’re terrified of them.
Sean: There were shoes called Roos when we were kids. They had little pouches. I never had them, but I remember the commercial.
Dick: Did you ever have the pump?
Sean: No, I never did. I had the converse with the react juice.
Dick: What was that?
Sean: It was just fucking green water in your shoes probably.
Dick: Did you react faster?
Sean: They’re just supposed to make you jump higher or whatever. Who was the basketball player for the Hornets? He did those Grandma Ma commercials. You know, where he dressed up as an old lady and would like slam the ball all the time.
Dick: Tyler Perry?
Sean: Yes, Tyler Perry. Those were the only shoes- I never had the pump.
Dick: I had the tennis pump.
Sean: Yeah, I remember those.
“There was no pocket in the shoes. Her dad came down and started beating my ass like his life depended on it. In the end I became great friends with her dad. We hang out and share a bottle of vodka once a month.”
Dick: Oh, alright.
“I hope you enjoy the story Dick and Sean, keep up the great work you guys. The Yellow-mouth yuck-yuck of Idaho, go fuck yourself.”
Dick: Good ending.
(Erotic story riff)
Dick: Good for you buddy, thanks for that. Let’s see here, I got some comments.
“Hey Dick, Mechanicm The Tree Killer here, I wanted to follow up on that guy who was worried about his phimosis last episode. He should listen to Digibro and Mumkey’s podcast episode 5 where Digibro talks about having phimosis and his girlfriend loved it. Also I have phimosis and my ex-girlfriend loved it.”
Sean: Must be more common than people think.
Yeah, phimosis is great and a blessing from the messiah, and chopping off foreskin is pretty much the equivalent of chopping off one’s soul. Death to the trees, long live the mighty foreskin.” -Mechanicm The Tree Killer “P.S. I’m not kidding about foreskin. It’s genuinely great.”
Dick: Man, that is a tough topic.
Sean: Yeah. Maybe it would’ve been nice to make that choice.
Dick: I looked up that penis stuff you were talking about.
Sean: Yeah is there anything tom it?
Dick: It’s either no, or there’s other health hazards too. Like you’re more at risk for STDs and other stuff without a foreskin, and the penis cancer – the study was more about gross shit in your penis than just having it. Like it’s because you couldn’t clean yourself up properly.
Sean: Yeah that’s what I had heard.
Dick: Let’s see here. This one’s from Frankie Foreskin.
“Hey Dick, for the love of god if it gets on the show don’t read my name, but I thought you might like to know more about phimosis. It’s not too much, it’s that the foreskin is too tight to retract. It’s supposed to be very elastic and stretchy, however it can lose this elasticity if not retracted for a certain amount of time. It also happens pretty frequently in children if parents don’t tell their children to pull back their foreskins. I know this because I’m a medical student who happened to have phimosis in the past. The guy that emailed in last week might not know that surgery isn’t the only option either. If he talks to his doctor he could get some steroid cream on it which would allow the foreskin to loosen with stretching over time.”
Dick: But who wants to rub cream on their dick every day?
Sean: Only every man in the world.
Dick: Yeah, same guy says you can get some kind of a cream.
Sean: Well that’s good., It’s not a one-solution…
Dick: Not a circumcision solution. I had to have that talk with Coach because he’s having a kid, he’s having a little boy. He wanted to know what…
Sean: He’s gotta research the shit out of that kind of stuff I would think.
Dick: Yeah. He still came to the conclusion of “I don’t know what to do.” I told him I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t walk in there and say see what you can do about this extra foreskin I got going on, so why the fuck would you do it to a kid? I dunno.
Dick: Let’s talk to – alright Antoids, you there buddy?
Antoids: Uh, yes I am. What’s going on man?
Sean: I got him, I got him, I got him.
Dick: How are you doing man? I sorry we missed you last week.
Antoids: It’s no big deal. It wasn’t the right time.
Dick: Well we reached – I think it was the right time. I think if would have got you in sooner I’d be a lot happier. We’ve reached the end of The Biggest Problem Uncucked episodes.
Antoids: Yeah. You know, it’s been pretty crazy. It’s really changed the way I see Maddox. It’s done that for a lot of people.
Dick: Yeah. I think that’s definitely true. I think we’re all kind of sick of him. Right?
Antoids: I think – I’ve seen people saying that maybe we talk about him a little too much, but you know, now we’re at the end of the Uncucked so…
Dick: well I think of the ones you brought in last time, and even the ones you brought in this time, there was that stupid Trump debate, then there was that stupid debate about my book. But my favorite one, I think the one that everyone reacted to, is the racism cut.
Antoids: Yeah, that one is – it really puts you in his head in an interesting way I think.
Dick: Want me to play that one?
Antoids: For sure.
Dick: I’ll play the Uncucked one first. How about that?
Antoids: Yeah, absolutely.
“Denzel: I could go talk to the person and we could try to work out like why they’re feeling this way and you know, try to have a kumbaya moment and say we should come together and not be mad, but ultimately that’s no try job.”
“Maddox: I would like to add something here. (stutters) I was…”
“Sean: (interrupts) A black man.”
“Maddox: Well obviously…”
“Dick: This is gonna be a long list.”
“Maddox: Obviously not.”
“Dick: Let’s hear it.”
“Maddox: I don’t have time for all the positive adjectives here, it’s only an hour and a half show. But I always thought of myself as someone who wasn’t racist and had no prejudices, etc., etc. Here’s what I recommend for people, because I noticed something strange about myself the first time I went to New Orleans. New Orleans, I went to the French quarter, and there were some areas that I went to that were predominantly black. I went to some strip clubs and restaurants where almost everyone in the entire place was black, and I felt something strange that I had never felt before.”
“Dick: Sorry, that was strip clubs and restaurants?”
Antoids: Yeah, that’s the two places he based the demographics on.
Dick: Okay, here we go.
“Maddox: It was a sense of being surrounded. I don’t know what that is or where it came from. I know, I know. I know how it sounds and I know how it feels, but that’s when I had this moment of realization that oh my god, this is what black people must feel like all the time. At least at some point before…”
“Dick: Is that true?”
“Denzel: So maybe when I was a kid it would be – I never grew up around strictly black people. It was always a diverse group. Me and my friends looked like a Benetton ad.
“Dick: What product is that? Is that like a black hair product?”
“Denzel: It’s old clothes. Old clothes.”
“Denzel, thank you. That was a fascinating problem. Thank you for bringing that in.”
Dick: That was already a weird cut.
Sean: Yeah, it probably was. I’m sure I did it for some reason.
Dick: Okay. Well here’s the cucked version. I mean that was a little weird, right?
Sean: Yeah, that was a weird transition.
Dick: “I was surrounded by,” saying “I felt surrounded by black people, this must be what they feel like all the time,” and Denzel saying no, and all of us having a weird reaction. Okay Antoids, so here’s what you found is the cucked version of that.
Antoids: Right, this is what aired.
Dick: Okay, here we go.
“Denzel: But ultimately that’s not my job.”
Sean: Oh my fucking god!
Sean: Ah Christ! He took something that was like a – he actually got a little – almost got a little human there! Got a little human there!
Antoids: He’s opened up and showed a tiny bit of realness of him, and he can’t suffer that to get out. He does that in 77 too. Like there’s some moment where he talked about his family or something and it wasn’t embarrassing or anything, it was just normal conversation that a human would have with another human, and he cut it.
Dick: All those jokes! You get an orange card for too much of a racist comment, the hair thing. It’s a weird statement but c’mon! C’mon!
Sean: That’s just fucking sad. Just sad.
Dick: Antoids thanks a lot buddy for doing all these audio un-editing. I’m glad you get a break now.
Antoids: Yeah, I could use it. I texted my girlfriend today telling her I have to record at this time. She’s like okay, don’t fall asleep.
Dick: What does she think about this, about your dedication to finding all these flubs.,
Antoids: You know, she only really listened – she’s not a listener to the show really.
Sean: Probably for the best.
Antoids: I think maybe there’s maybe something about the kind of jokes you tell that turns her off.
Sean: Like what?
Dick: to spicy.
Antoids: I wonder. But yeah, you know, she did think that that first one, that “yeah” cut was pretty funny, so.
Dick: Yeah that was a good one. Well, for maybe the last time at least for a while until I release the bonus episodes if ever. What makes you a rage buddy?
Antoids: Um, shit. I wasn’t ready for a rage.
Dick: Okay, that’s fine. We can just cut that.
Antoids: Okay, I’ll hold onto it and I’ll think – I’m not much of a rageful guy compared to some of the other guests that come on. I think they have more of a real rage to them.
Dick: All of us have anger management problems. I think that’s what you’re saying.
Antoids: Of course not. Of course not.
Dick: Alright buddy.
Antoids: I have something I want to plug if that’s alright.
Dick: Go ahead.
Sean: Rage first! Then dessert.
Dick: No, no, go ahead.
Antoids: So on YouTube if you search Digital Roots, my SEO is very good, I’m like the first result for that. If you search Digital Roots I do like video game analysis videos, and I want to use the time I was putting into the Uncuckeds to do that from now on. It’s something I wanted to do for a while, and it’s like I kind of talk about how certain mechanics teach players things in a way, like without using tutorials and just invading your experience. Like the developers will passively teach you how to play the game.
Dick: Wait a minute! I have seen…
Sean: Is that like Anthony Burgess, because he wrote A Clockwork Orange, and he basically teaches you this language that comes from Russian thugs basically, like Russian street gangs mixed with some other stuff. He basically teaches you how to speak a language as the book goes on because it gets more and more in depth and you’re like “I totally know what those words mean.” You’re reading these things that are basically nonsensical at first if you were to just open to that page.
Dick: Are you saying that A Clockwork Orange is like basically Muzzy?
Sean: What’s Muzzy?
Dick: You don’t remember Muzzy, the children who speak – guess that’s French they’re speaking. And no these children aren’t French, they’re American. The learning language series Muzzy where you watch this fat fuzzy fuck teach you French supposedly, because it walks you through learning the language in a visual storytelling.
Sean: But it’s not conscious.
Dick: Yeah. I think that’s what Muzzy was all about. So you’re picking it up like you would in real life, slowly, as it’s part of a narrative so you are emotionally learn the words and they stick with you, and you’re not just regurgitating vocabulary, which is totally fucking worthless.
Antoids: Yeah, that is something sort of like it. So I’ll give you a really quick example, I’m not gonna take too long on it. You guys know Metroid, right? The game where you play as a broad?
Antoids: So when you do the…
Dick: I thought she was trans. I thought she was a guy.
Sean: Metroid 2018.
Dick: No, she started as a guy. I swear, I thought this was true that the Metroid girl – that the guy said she was a guy making a joke at her height. In the very beginning, in the first manual, it says she’s a guy, and then they changed it. Sorry, trans.
Antoids: In the first game, in the manual, they use a male pronoun. I think that’s just for the twist of it, I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t comment on trans shit. But anyway like the quick example was when you curl up into a ball and you do your little bomb, it kind of like launches you in the air a little bit, and you can use that to reach weird places, so the game does this thing where when you break blocks in that form, you have to be right up against the wall and there’s nowhere for you to back up to. So in the process of breaking walls you find out that the little bomb moves you around. And there’s no tutorial for that or anything. By the time that you have to really do it, you already y know just from having played normally.
Dick: have you been doing this for a long time, this type of video?
Antoids: I gave it a shot a while back, but I kinda ran out of free time to do it.
Dick: What you’re describing, I saw this guy doing a very general video about it. What he’s saying is video gamers that teach you the mechanics of the game as you play them, and not in some stupid tutorial where you’re lectured to like a fucking child where you can’t skip.
Dick: Like you play – it’s the worst goddamn experience when you get a brands new system or a brand new game on Christmas morning. You’re there with your brother in law that you don’t get to dick around with as much anymore, who’s slowly becoming a corporate man. You know, you can feel your tethers – just like you can with every male friend in your life, you slowly feel the tethers breaking and snapping until you get together anymore, and it’s shorter and shorter. Like life dies every fucking day. It’s not all at once. These relationships slowly separate, and other ones come together. You need that moment, that Christmas evening moment will never change when you finally get the fucking kids to bed and you can put in Call of War: Clinton FEMA, Chelsea Clinton edition, or Black Ops, or whatever the game is that is. Load up a gun and shoot other people, right? That’s the game, we all know the game. And every single fucking time, before it gives you this stupid cutscene that you have to watch, because you paid for it, for 2 hours, you’re finally -alright, ready to go. Ready to go, it took me half a glass of whisky to get through that, the kids have been sleeping for 20 minutes, I probably have 40 more minutes out of them, but just let me play the fucking game! Let me play it together, because if one of us has to leave and go fuck around with the kids, the other guy’s just playing a goddamn video game, and that’s never gonna be as fun as talking to chicks on your cell phone. Right? Never gonna be as fun as fucking around on Reddit on your cell phone. Gimme the fucking game! It’ll say, “alright, now you need to go see tactical officer Ted in the gunnery and he’ll show you how to shoot a gun.”
Antoids: You have to take a 3 credit course to learn to play the fucking game.
Dick: You have to take a fucking class and get certified, in a game that you pay for, to play the fucking game instead of like they used to do and just start you! Just start! Like life!
Sean: Make sure everyone’s playing responsibly.
Dick: It’s a fucking experience! Don’t tell me, show me. Make me do it, right? It drives – until I saw one video. I saw one video about this like 5 years ago that a guy did, doing it with Mega Man, the same thing that you’re talking about Antoids, with Mega Man X or something.
Antoids: Yeah, I know the video you’re talking about.
Dick: You know the video I’m talking about? It has stuck with me for years! Years after I watched it. I probably think about it every week when I get annoyed at why I hate a game or something, or a movie. Oh, it’s because they’re telling me and they’re not making me do it. It has ruined every game and made me not excited to play any of them.
Sean: When I looked at video games, that’s what they – you just start it.
Dick: Mhm. You just start it. So I look forward to your videos I guess is what I’m saying, because I absolutely hate how they do that.
Antoids: Well I’m, glad that – I know you don’t play a huge amount of video games, that that’s something you could be excited about too.
Dick: Yeah, cool. Keep us updated.
Antoids: I’ll be back If you release the bonus episodes or anything like that.
Dick: Maybe I will. Alright buddy, get outta here. Go fuck yourself, take it easy. Good rage that he brought in, of video game tutorials. They will drive you absolutely insane. Alright, let me play another song. Then I gotta talk about this countersuit, because everybody had an extreme reaction to it for a lot of reasons. And I tell you, after that last episode went up, I felt bad for days. I felt sick about it and I could not stop thinking about what made me so uncomfortable about the call and the whole thing in general. Like the whole GoFundMe, I’ll be honest, the entire thing makes me feel uneasy. We’ll talk about it after the song. And then I gotta play some clips from Mundane Matt. That stupid asshole is spreading lies and implies about me, people are saying.
Sean: Mundane Matt?
Dick: Yeah, he was on Drunken Peasants, and he’s talking shit. You want to hear that first of the Asterios stuff first?
Sean: I dunno, what’s the – more depressing to less depressing, or…
Dick: I don’t think it’s gonna be depressing, because look, I’m not bringing it in a depressing way. That was fucked up last week, that was the problem with it. This is from Savestate Corrupted, it’s called – let’s do the Going to Greenland one. Savestate Corrupted, Going to Greenland. Here you go, speaking of depressing.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: This is great.
Sean: It’s better than anything Rivers Cuomo from Weezer has written lately.
Dick: Yeah, because it’s got the…
Sean: It’s a pretty fucking Weezer-y chorus.
Dick: About killing yourself.
Sean: Yeah. “let’s just try it out.”
Dick: Alright, alright, alright.
Sean: Jesus Christ.
(The song ends)
Dick: Savestate Corrupted with the mysterious thumb drive at Road Rage: Dallas. Yeah, that fucking Asterios call. It really bummed everybody out. I was not prepared for any of that. It was a very big bummer. I love Asterios. I love Asterios. I want to support him in anything he does, right? Buy I gotta ask you this, I’ll just ask you Sean. From that call, did that sound like someone who’s ready for a 6-month multi – 50-thousand dollar legal blood bath? Because…
Sean: from that call? He just seemed to be in a very emotional state, like in a bad way.
Dick: I think that call was – two very different ways of thinking coming together in not a good way. Very emotional way, and a asshole way. There was a lot of comments about that episode. About me being too hard on Asterios. Noll form KiwiFarms wrote a very critical comment I’d say, that I was pretending to be Daddy Warbucks throwing money, which was funny, Daddy Warbucks threatening to fund this countersuit and stuff like that, that I was trying to walk it back. And it’s hard to know in life if you’re the asshole or if you’re trying to help. You know what I mean?
Sean: Some people are going to – yeah. Some people don’t like the way people help, you know what I mean? There’s that too where…
Dick: You never know if you’re the jealous boyfriend or if your girlfriend’s cheating on you. It’s a stupid example. But until you fuck up you don’t know. Right? It could be somewhere in the middle, it could be both. It could be -so I will say this. It is not only about money. It is not only about money. Money obviously plays a factor. It’s not only about money. Getting sued is one thing. It’s easy to defend yourself when you are innocent. You know what I mean? It’s fun, it’s wonderful, it’s fantastic, it’s gratifying, it’s what justice is. Pursuing the suit is gonna be very different because eventually, in the suit, you are going to be attacked.
Sean: Yeah, of course.
Dick: All the things, all the questions I was asking are going to be asked by professionals who are trying to make you look like shit.
Sean: They’re trying to make you look like the bad guy, of course.
Dick: Yes! They’re trying to do anything and everything to get their guy off, which in this case is going to be a very desperate man. And when those – part of this whole countersuit thing seems to be clearing names and getting justice and all this stuff, but I’m telling you, the questions that I’m asking are going to look like nothing. Nothing when the other party gets their chance in court. And they all do. What we learned form this – what we learned from going through this is that a bunch of maybes and suggestions don’t work when you have to give that document to a judge and say “here you go. This is why you need to find in my favor.” Maddox looked like a fucking idiot, because you look at the paper and you’re like, “well these are a bunch of – where’s the proof?”
Sean: Dumb as shit.
Dick: This is dumb as shit, and now everyone’s going go gangrape you, and in this case you’ve got Maddox in the countersuit, and you’re got M3ntal Jess. They absolutely both deserve it. They are both fucking included in my mind.
Dick: Abso-fucking-lutely. It’s not Maddox, it’s Maddox and fucking M3ntal Jess. I don’t care that they’re broken up, because they both fucking did it. They absolutely both did it.
Sean: They both signed their names on the dotted line there.
Dick: And when they come back it’s going to get very, very ugly. And all of this is going to be on Asterios. This isn’t going to be Asterios and I getting sued, this is all going to be on him. So everything – I don’t know – everything’s gotta be air tight. Everything’s gotta be air tight. Every possible way to twist it around is going to be brought up. And all that anyone will have to rely on is what’s on the paper. I am as emotional as everybody else about this because I want – because it hurts that Asterios got fucked over so badly. I understand wanting to pursue this immediately, but I’ve just gotta think that the sanctions are important, and maybe taking a moment to consider what is going into this has some merit, more merit- maybe I came off like an asshole last week. But I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t expecting the sanctions to be – I wasn’t expecting it to be such a downer. I was expecting it to be “hey, let’s see what we got here.” I think we got to a point where I thought it would be easier to prove than it is, and I had to take a step back and go “wait a minute, what actually goes into this, and what is the defense going to look like?” Because if it looks devastating I’m not gonna suffer for it at all. It’s not gonna hurt me, you know? None of this has. And right now, Asterios has people that love him and love his content, and I’m one of them, and that’s all you need for life in comedy. They’ll love him forever because of this, it’s very emotional. The whole thing. The journey was very emotional, and he’s a very hilarious guy. He’s got the ability to create tons of content, and I don’t want to see – I don’t want to see someone get sucked into a more devastating stop than the first one was, because you’re asking for a response. Like as excited as we all are, and I am, about launching this countersuit, they get a fucking response. Like, get a defense, and the defense is going to be – is this making sense?
Sean: Yeah. It makes sense. I think – you’ve gotta do things in the proper order. Sanctions first, you explore that. Sanctions – if he wins sanctions he gets money back without really putting in any more money effectively. I don’t think you can necessarily rush to decide anything. That’s, you know, my two cents.
Dick: And there’s a lot of great advice that came out of that call also, which I hope will help Asterios, because I love everything he does, I love the contributions to the show, and I do want the best for him. If it’s not good for him to pursue this then he shouldn’t. Like he’s in a spot where he’s got a lot of positivity coming his way, entering into this while it would definitely be funny, and while it could create a shit – it’s gonna cause things to be revealed that are not right now, and I’m interested in that. And there’s always the chance – like everybody forgets how terrified we were when we went into the motion to dismiss that the judge just wouldn’t understand the internet. He’d just say, “well yeah, go into discovery and that’s gonna cost everybody 50 grand. There you go.” This is so uncertain – that seemed certain to us. This is – I don’t know what the certainty is because I have no idea what’s going on. I have no more information than anybody else. I don’t want it.
Sean: I get the – as far as the clearing of the name or whatnot, it’s like how does he get another job like he has now? Where he doesn’t have to rely on Patreon comedy, you know what I mean? That’s the thing. It’s like how can this court case – would it help with that? Completely exhonorary where it’s like “this guy cost me my job, I really did nothing.”
Dick: This is what I don’t want to see. I want to see the Asterios Kokkinos Pod Factory, or Podcast Factory. I want to see a book. Books for sale. I want to see that. He’s good at creating content.
Sean: About what subject?
Dick: Anything he wants! I want to see the rest of his life! We have a finite amount of time in the fucking day, and dealing with the lawsuit took up a lot of it. A lot of it was fucking exhausting. All day every day. I don’t want to see this get sucked down by the other, you know what I’m saying?
Sean: I understand, but what if he feels, or his counselor feels it’s the only way to ensure that he can work in that industry again.
Dick: I don’t see how that – I don’t understand that at all, and that’s where I think the conversation from last week came from, is me just saying “I don’t understand – I’m not connecting the dots, as someone who’s looking at this with a very cynical eye.”
Sean: So yeah, I’m trying to think how it would help. Basically, the way it looks right now is he was, you know, he was in an online thing, who knows what happened, but obviously Weber Shandwick felt the need to fire him. So basically, if you’re another company like that, they go “is this guy a little hot?” Why would you hire a guy who has any kind of controversy in the background?
Dick: Is a lawsuit going to fix that?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: Is that the point?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: Is losing that lawsuit going to be like a fucking nail in the coffin for the rest of your life?
Sean: These are good questions. Absolutely.
Dick: I guess we’ll see. I guess we’ll see. Yeah, people are saying leave it alone, but you kind of – it comes out intro the open. When it gets discussed it gets discussed. There’s obviously some sort of NDA involved that I don’t know the details on.
Sean: He knows the most about this situation obviously,
Dick: Let’s listen to this Mundane Matt nonsense. I’m just trying to say I don’t – very little of this is about not wanting to write a check for Asterios. It’s about trying to keep in mind the actual ramifications of what he’s going to enter himself into.
Sean: I get it.
Dick: Okay, this is Mundane Matt on The Drunken Peasants show. They Asked him about the Lawsuit. And I’m not gonna not talk about it to just leave it alone, because everything’s gonna be on that goddamn document anyway. I don’t think Asterios should be pressured into doing anything at this moment, do you know what I mean? I don’t want him to feel like he has to live up to this obligation of destroying- you know what I mean?
Dick: It’s all very complicated I guess I’m saying. Whatever he wants to do we’ll talk about, but if we’re gonna have to talk about it we’ll talk about it Sean. Alright, here we go. Here’s Mundane Matt.
(Dick plays a clip)
“Some Jackass: [garbled words] in the bible it’s fruit juice. Now often it’s alcoholic, and other times it’s not alcoholic. It just depends on the context. But you know what? As a pastor, I should not be given to either the alcoholic kind or the nonalcoholic kind. You know why? Because if I’m given to the alcoholic kind I’m a drunk. And if I’m given to the nonalcoholic kind I’m gonna get fat.”
“Podcast Dude #1: (mockingly) “I’m gonna get fat!””
“Mundane Fatt: You know, as a rotund American, I can agree.”
“Podcast Dude #2: You would. You would. Tell me about how Maddox is right again too!”
“Mundane Fatt: You should’ve had a conversation with him, you would’ve learned some shit. But anyway, no, no, no.”
Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that?! What is that?
Sean: I bet you would’ve have! That’s a drive by.
“Some Jackass: You can’t just keep doing the same thing and expecting to get a different result.
“Podcast Dude #2: You would, you would. Tell me about how Maddox is right again too!
“Mundane Fatt: You should’ve had a conversation with him, you would’ve learned some shit. But anyway, no, no, no.”
Dick: What the fuuuck?
Sean: That’s a guy who just got stung by a burn. That’s a guy who just got stung by a burn and, “oh by the way, I know, I’m smarter than you, I’m taking the dominant position right now. But then we’re not gonna talk about it because I don’t have anything after that.”
Dick: What a fucking asshole! Fuck you! You could’ve learned some shit? What the fuck did you learn then you fat sack of shit?
Sean: Maddox is a documented liar. It’s like – you know the whole thing, “Oh, you called me a liar.” People imply that it’s untrue. No, he is a liar. Maddox is a liar, and there is proof after proof, after proof right in the court documents.
Dick: You goddamn pussy, you arrogant sack of shit. What would anyone have learned? Say it. Say it.
Sean: Did you know that he was going to punch Larry?
Dick: What have you got? What a fucking asshole these guys. Why does anybody listen to this sack of shit? Why does anybody consume this piece of shit’s podcast? Fuck you!
Sean: The drive by is the biggest bullshit fucking – “Oh I’m just gonna fucking fire this out the window and not stick around. But anyway.”
Dick: Wow, what a cock. What a prick. Fuck you Mundane Matt. Alright, et me see, we got another one too. Apparently he’s still talking about it.
Sean: Yeah, that was sheer ego and pride that led to that statement right there, because he got stung.
“Person 1: [McGog?] Did you really kill hookers?”
“Count Dankula: That [McGog?] what a scamp.”
Dick: Dankula’s on it too.
“Person 2: Is that the reason why [McGog?] wanted to sleep by himself? He didn’t want to bunk with anybody, he wanted his own place to kill the hookers?
“Ben: Mundane Matt is a fat soy-soaked penis-less abomination who cries over YouTube-form letters.”
“Mundane Fatt: I feel like I should read that one Ben, that’s a lot like the same thing that Dick Masterson said on some other show.” (The clip of Dick saying that is playing quietly as he says this.)
Dick: Count Dankula’s laughing by the way. Cracking up.
“Person 1: What’s going on?”
Dick: They’re playing this for Matt on the show.
“Ben: Someone’s playing it.”
“Person 1: How’d that happen?”
“Ben: It was through the – it was through the, you know.”
“Person 1: The TTS? You can put audio in? Wow.”
“Ben: They couldn’t hear it. Like Matt and Dankula couldn’t hear that.”
“Person 1: That was interesting.”
Dick: Hehehe, look at his fucking face!
“Ben: I’m like, Why is Dick Masterson on the show all of a sudden? That’s pretty funny.”
“Person 1: That got weird. That shit got weird quick.”
“Ben: It played Dick Masterson saying that – basically what we just read.”
Dick: He’s just staring off into the fucking distance like a beaten dog.
“Person 1: Mundane Matt is not pleased.”
“Mundane Fatt: No, I was trying to hear it. I don’t give a shit what Dick Masterson said about me.”
“Ben: Maddox lost.”
“Mundane Fatt: Cool man. Who cares?”
Dick: Oh man, fuck that guy. What a little fucking asshole. “I didn’t hear what he said.” That’s what the chick from Dr. Phil said. Well, I love those guys. I should have them back on. We should both go on that show so I can hear what was said about me that everybody needs to learn, and hang out wit them, learn some things. Alright. This has been The Dick Show everybody, thanks for listening. Thank you for coming to Dallas.
Sean: Yeah, thank you very much.
Dick: See you in Atlanta.
Sean: Great crowd.
Dick: I gotta thank Tigger’s Body Art. Soyboy Industries, they made this amazing interlock device for microphones. They call it the Landau interlock microphone detector. You blow into it.
Sean: It’s like a talk box.
Dick: Yeah. This is like Rick Sanchez level craftsmanship on this joke device.
Sean: It’s tight man, look at that thing.
Dick: We gotta try it. We gotta get Coach in here. It doesn’t work on weed. It says “Patreon.com/Asterios” in the middle. Soyboy Industries. If you blow into it – you blow a .08 it shuts your mic off.
Sean: That’s awesome.
Dick: There you go. Let’s see, do I have anything – do I have anybody else I gotta thank? I always fuck that up. Yeah, there you go everybody. Thanks for coming, and we’ll see you next Tuesday. This song is gonna be – like it’s so hard for Mundane Matt to just admit that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Sean: Or that – okay, or that he would go on record saying that he believes the word of a documented liar.
Dick: Of a documented liar. That’s Mundane Matt. That’s his credibility. He will believe the word of a documented liar.
Sean: Or at lease pose, you know what I mean? Like front that he believes that. “You should talk to him, I got the inside knowledge.”
Dick: “hehehe, guys, you should just talk to him. We’ll talk afterwards.” Ugh, these people.
Sean: Fucking people.
Dick: You know, I should play one of Ethan’s songs, right?
Dick: This is from Ethan Cantrell’s album called “Cutting the Cable.” You can get it at cuttingthecable – ethancantrell.bandcamp.com. He’s got all his albums there, I’ll link to on the site. See you next Tuesday. We’ll do some voicemails. Jerry Springer this one’s called.
Sean: Oh good.
(Dick starts the song)
Sean: Hehehe, urinating in the heater vent.
Dick: Seeing him do it – Todd Sidel was there! Fuck, I forgot to mention Todd Sidel.
Sean: Who’s playing this bass? That’s a real fucking bass player!
Dick: Alright, alright, very good. Want to hear the whole thing?
Sean: It’s fun.
Dick: Yeah, alright.
Sean: I just realized, this sounds like an acoustic Green Day song.
Dick: Yeah, it does. It does.
Sean: Old Green Day.
(the song ends)
Dick: The 90’s never should’ve ended.
Sean: That was fun. I liked it.
Dick: Ethan Cantrell. Oh, Mundane Matt. Fuck you man. Just say you fucked up. Say what you know then. What were you told you fat fuck? You stupid piece of shit. Are you too stupid to know how it looks when you repeat the same thing over and over? Mundane Matt, are you too stupid to understand what a colossal, lying, manipulative fuck you look like when you say shit like that about me.
Sean: We’ll see, because Tim Pool realized…
Dick: Very quickly!
Sean: And does anybody have any animosity for Tim Pool now?
Sean: I think he probably got nothing but respect. Like, you know what, it was probably out of an ego thing, I dug my heels in, my bad. Everybody’s like, great!
Dick: Yeah. Stop making shit up you waste of skin, and a lot of it. You’re taking up a lot of it over there, you fat fuck. Mundane Matt, goddamn you. He couldn’t even look, you know…
Sean: He’s gonna be a victim of the square cube law. Look that one up people!
Dick: Fuck you and fuck your subscribers Mundane Matt. You can’t even look -you know that thing people do where that can’t look you in the eye? There’s another look where they can’t even look themselves in the eye. They lie so bad and they know they’re fucking up so bad that they can’t even look up. That Judas look. It’s like you fucking know – even though I think Judas – there’s some kinda weird fuckery going on in there.
Sean: Fucked me judas! You fucked me Judas!
Dick: I think Judas and Jesus co-conspired to make Jesus a martyr. Is that a real thing?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: Is that a thing, and he’s like the gospel of Thomas or something like that, and he’s got – I don’t know. I need Nick Rackets’ explanation of that. But they get this look where they can’t even look themselves in the eye, and it sickening. And Mundane Matt is made of that look. What a colossal piece of shit. What a lying and implying – what a frightened fucking child Mundane Matt is. Can’t even look himself in the eye he’s suck a fucking coward. And all of – fuck you, fuck your subscribers, all of your content fucking sucks Mundane Matt. All of it sucks. All of it sucks. Take your space chair, shove it up your ass.
Sean: he’s got a space chair?
Dick: He’s a man who can’t shave because he would then look like that vampire in Blade that they torture by shining sunlight on him. Just a congealed mess like Pizza the fucking Hut. That’s what you should change your fucking name to Matt, Pizza the Hut, because you’re a pile of congealed garbage, you fucking liar. You fucking liar. You’re so stupid you got done in by an admitted liar! By an admitted fucking liar! You’re too dumb to know that you’re being lied to by a fucking conman! That’s what kind of garbage takes you get with Mundane Matt, you fuck! You chin-strap fuck, you piece of shit, fuck you. Alright, let’s listen to some Facebook News. Can you believe that? “Hey, you should’ve heard what I know. Hehehe.” Say it to my face. Call in. Tell us what you hear then, you sack of shit. Call in and tell us what you heard, Pizza the Hut.
Sean: (laughing) I thought you started Facebook news, you were just sitting there.
Dick: I wish I would’ve gone to VidCon just so I could say this to his face! Hey Pizza the Gut, take your glasses off before you say it to me, Pizza the Hut, before you’re lying and implying to me again, Pizza the fucking Hut. Mundane Matt, you piece of garbage. He’s on a – who knows how many people were listening to that show. Count Dankula’s on there, my friend, saying that shit in front of my Billy the Fridge who’s hilarious, Ben from Drunken Peasants, all of them absolutely hilarious. He goes on their shows, talks shit about me in front of my fucking friends, fuck you Pizza the Hut, what do you know?
Sean: I highly doubt that any of them believed him with that little – I doubt Ben went “maybe there is something to it.” Because remember, he got a big list of things. He knows the mania.
Dick: (?) is telling the rich history of Dick Masterson to each other like I’m some kind of Scarlett Pimpernel. Maybe he’s a cuckery fan too. Maybe that’s what him and Maddox are talking about, some kind of a weird cuck fetish thing. I dunno, just asking questions. You giant turd. You talking turd Mundane Matt, you fuck. Oh god, fuck you and fuck your AstroTurf facial hair you piece of shit. Fuck your content. Fuck all your subscribers, unsubscribe from Mundane Matt, fuck you. Alright, here we go, Facebook News. Saying that shit in front of my fucking friends! People I like! I gotta wait a whole year to go to VidCon and tell him this to his face. He’s never gonna call in, Mundane Matt. You know every time he tweets he lulz twice like he’s in the military. Lul, and then he’ll say his thing and end it with a lul. He can’t say anything without putting a lul in there.
Sean: That’s telling the people following that it’s supposed to be funny. It’s like conditioning, you know, the reactions.
Dick: It’s funny that this lump of pizza and shit thinks it’s a person with an opinion, that’s funny. Sorry Mundane Matt, we don’t serve a walking – walking heaps of pizza and shit at this bar.
Sean: Right, we just kicked Bono out.
Dick: Hey, here’s a joke. I got a joke for you. Mundane Matt walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we don’t get many walking heaps of pizza and shit in this bar,” and Mundane Matt says, “well at these prices I’m not surprised.” (laughing) Here’s Facebook News.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads…
Dick: Sean, Sean, we don’t get many heaps of pizzas and talking shit. We don’t get many talking heaps of pizza and shit wearing glasses and have fake looking beards to disguise the fact that they haven’t had a chin since they saw their dick… In this bar. And Mundane Matt says, here comes the punchline, “At these prices I’m not surprised.” It’s the prices that are so high that are driving away all the walking, talking heaps of pizza and shit.
Sean: Yes, I understand.
Dick: It’s not that (?) and his name is Mundane Matt, it’s the prices.
Sean: Right. But apparently he still ordered food.
Dick: He lacks so much self-awareness that he doesn’t know he’s the only walking, talking heaps of shit out there. That’s what I’m saying. Did Maddox tell you something like that, you walking, talking heap of pizza and shit? Like what could possibly be so fucking bad that it deserves $400-million!? You piece of shit, you walking, talking, pile of pizza shit. You owe Asterios an apology, you fucking coward.
Sean: It’s a long nickname.
Dick: That’s why it’s funny. Alright, here we go, Facebook News.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple of days. Chris & Corey got into a heated exchange this week over who can cook the better omelet. Corey posted his omelet asking for everyone’s thoughts, and when Chris chimed in with how the omelet was burnt, the two began sparring. Chris & Corey both shared their credential in omelet cooking, and Corey called Chris a fucking joke. Chris went on to post pictures of his own omelet, and instead of threatening each other with violence, Chris went on to post a poll with pictures of the two omelets, and Chris’s omelet won by a margin of 44 to 33 votes. Congratulations to Chris on his big win. Next up is David Davidson who is a rage because there is a trans at work who makes no effort to look like a woman at all, but still demands that he be called she. David’s co-worker is constantly fucking up, sharing stories with customers about her Tumblr-diagnosed mental disorders and going home sick a few times a month because she can’t hear people. Dickheads said these are all characteristics of a real woman and demanded that David share pictures including nudes if available. Lastly we have a poll from Christian. Christian asked dickheads if shaving your legs is gay. In one of the most unifying and unanimous polls in Dick Show history, we have the results: 9 votes for “not gay” which include voters such as Carey Grove, the main event himself The Silver Hammer, and even Hazencruz. On the contrary, 265 Dickheads say that men shaving their legs is, in fact, gay. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.
Dick: Can we sue Mundane Matt for 20 million bucks for stealing all the pizza? For driving up pizza prices? You pizza fuck, Pizza the Hut. Pizza the Hut Sean, you remember him from Space Balls?
Sean: Of course I do.
Sean: He was locked in his stretch limo and ate himself to death.
Dick: That’s right. That’s what happened. Uh oh, everybody, we gotta make sure Mundane Matt doesn’t get stuck in a car or a limo or a self defense type of situation where he’s gotta eat himself. Take him for walks. Let’s send a check on him. Welfare check with his - what’s that called?
Sean: A welfare check, yeah.
Dick: Gonna make sure. God, I fucking hate that scumbag. Sue him. Let’s sue him on the moon for driving up the price of pizza. Let’s do some voicemails. You know I just wanted to come in and have a nice, tight, short show and listen to some voicemails Sean. We got all roped up with you talking about pizza.
Sean: I know. I derail a lot.
Voicemail 1: What makes me a rage is people who can’t give back. Look, just compromise, okay. Isn’t compromise the cornerstone of diplomacy, which is itself the cornerstone of the republic? Right? The same insufferable assholes on both sides. There can be no debate on abortion, because it’s purely murder, so it must be outlawed in all cases. And the other side, until a baby literally exits a vagina it’s not even human life, it’s basically a parasite, you know? You have every right to kill it. If you don’t (???.) Maybe you’re both wrong. Maybe the idea that you’re so liked that no one could disagree with you is stupid, and that you should probably, even if you think that, put it aside for the realization that compromise is what makes society work. And as right as you think you are, you have to respect other people because they also think they are just as right. But people can’t do that, can they? People can’t fucking do that, because they’re god. Even when they’re an atheist, not ironic.
Dick: Or just stop asking the same question. You know what you gotta do, you trick people into answering questions that fuck up their core beliefs. Right? Like, “Hey, if I gave you a time machine and you could go back and be a famous Rockstar, would you do it?” And they’re like “yeah,” and you’re like “boom, you believe in abortion.” It’s basically the same thing. Nobody asks Doc Brown while he was inventing the DeLorean – that’s what would happen. “I invented time travel.” “Oh, so you support abortion? If you fund this time travel experiment you obviously support abortion.”
Sean: If you’re gonna take the place of Elvis or something.
Dick: Yeah, look at all these “I’m gonna go back and change my life.” What if you…
Sean: Then you affect other people.
Dick: What if your kids didn’t exist. Well, you mean, you know. There’s probably a number of decisions that will happen where kids won’t and people won’t exist. That’s abortion.
Sean: They existed before the time machine, it all played out like it was supposed to.
Dick: There’s gotta be like one silly guy in the press core, always thumping people with weird sci-fi – like Black Mirror stuff, right? Alright.
Voicemail 2: Hey Dick, rest of the crew, Christian from Dallas. I just wanted to call in and reiterate how sorry I am for bringing you guys to the shittiest fucking bar in Dallas. The [anvil] at the beginning was pretty cool, people started getting escorted out because they were like standing too close to the fucking aisles, and a couple of Kimbal’s friends were told to leave because they thought we snuck them out when in fact Kimbal showed the fucking door man, who you also berated – he showed him his real fucking ID, not some fake piece of shit. It’s not like he got sussed out or anything, so that’s a few people lost. So, you know, figured we’d go somewhere else.
Sean: Kimbal cannot maintain. He’s not old enough yet. He’s not old enough to play it cool. He’ll learn that, but.
Voicemail 2: But anyway, thanks for coming to Dallas. I hope you guys liked the city, it was cool hanging out with you guys. We’ll see you guys later.
Dick: It was great. I want to go back even though there’s nothing to do there. It just felt like some kind of weird paradise.
Sean: It was cool! I liked it. I don’t like the fucking heat and humidity.
Dick: No, I didn’t get enough accents either. Or guys walking around looking like the Texas guy on The Simpsons. That’s what I really wanted to see. I didn’t get any of that. I think Kimbal has that “doesn’t want to get away with it” thing that we all have. That self-sabotaging “I don’t want a fake ID, I want to get caught. I’m 19, I’m 19, I confess!”
Sean: You know, if you’re partying a lot you kinda can’t tell the truth to everybody and your lips get loose.
Dick: Yeah. I did – Yeah, Christian took us to maybe the worst bar I’ve ever been to in my life.
Sean: It’s up there.
Dick: It smelled like a queef and a fart had a miscarriage, and that was – it was locked in there with us.
Sean: An egg salad bukkake’d the whole mess.
Dick: And it was 200 degrees. I thought it was a trick and we got trapped in there by a witch who was baking us.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, that place was fucking gross.
Dick: Coach said he would never forget that bar or the person who made us go to that bar. Berry specific. He’s very specific.
Sean: He’ll never forget, and he’ll never forgive.
Dick: That’s right. I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget that bar, and I’ll never forgive the guy who made us go to that bar.
Sean: He’s like a vindictive elephant, you know.
Dick: I think it was my fault though. I got so pissed at the wait staff people pushing us out of the way, and I got pissed at the manager.
Sean: Oh, at the first place?
Dick: Yeah. For giving Kimbal attitude. I asked Kimbal to come over to talk to him. I was sitting outside on the patio, I was like, “Come over here. Let’s shoot the shit and have a good time.” And the manager came – Kimbal even said “I don’t think I’m supposed to be over here.” The manager came over and he’s like, “Hey, do you speak English? Because what did I tell you a second ago?” Dude, did you really need to ask him that fucking question?
Sean: Where did you ask him to go to?
Dick: I was sitting outside on the patio.
Sean: And he had a beer in his hand?
Dick: No, he was in the street, looking like he should have that Atlantis Morsette music playing like he was an abandoned puppy.
Sean: Oh, that’s Sarah McLachlan.
Dick: Sarah McLachlan. He was in the street. The guy came over – the guy’s really – he was probably having a bad day. We all have bad days.
Sean: But he was a prick about it.
Dick: Yeah. What the hell – c’mon. Just let this guy sit down. Whatever. Kimbal, you gotta get a fake ID though buddy, c’mon.
Voicemail 3: Hey, this is Joseph Fuckface from nowhere, I’m looking to the (???) and I realized – Metal Jess is a trust fund baby.
Sean: A what?
Dick: A trust fund baby.
Voicemail 3: Right after they broke up, a couple weeks later, Landau’s saying now that Maddox can’t pay him…
Sean: Her dad’s a cop. I mean I don’t think she comes from a bunch of money.
Voicemail 3: … because she’s kinda rich, so she just wants clout, or things. It’s LA and everyone just wants to be famous. So I think Metal Jess is a trust fund baby, Maddox was with her, and manipulated her into paying for lawyers, for trademarks, for the lawsuit, for everything, and now that they’re broken up they can’t pay for shit because a shitty podcast that gets about 1000 viewers and no sponsors, a website you never update but of course never has ads on, and a book that took you 15 years or so to write isn’t gonna pay for LA I assume. So I assume Metal Jess was a trust fund baby, paid for everything, now that they’re broken up Maddox is extremely freakin’ poor.
Dick: I dunno, but she’s just as fucked as him in whatever they do.
Sean: I don’t think she’s a trust fund baby.
Dick: I dunno. I gotta say that the LIMP, the Landau Interlock Microphone Protector from Soyboy Industries, was Sean Star. Sean Star’s the one who did that, just remembered that. Interesting. I guess there’s no point talking about the lawsuit countersuit shit anymore. I want Asterios to go on the light path for a little bit I guess, you know? You go down the dark path, you gotta start getting real specific. Just for a while, just think about it for a while. It doesn’t have to happen right now.
Sean: That’s the best advice.
Dick: And if anybody’s giving him money that’s great, for any reason. If you want to support Asterios I think that’s fucking fantastic. He makes all the live shows incredible. He adds an incredible dimension to them. I think everyone wants the best for Asterios. We’re all fighting it out to make sure – we’re all Asterios’s parents, we’re all arguing about it.
Voicemail 4: Hey Dick, you know what makes me a rage? I just went today to get the oil changed in my car. Standard procedure, right? Pay $30, change the oil, see you later. I get in, I see that they put a sticker at the top of my windshield saying like the place where I got the oil change, when I should come back, or in like 3000 miles.
Voicemail 4: First of all when I should come back, 3000 miles is way too low, fuck you. Second of all, this sticker that I did not ask to be put there, I finally try to decide to peel it off…
Sean: Is this the first time he’s had his oil changed? He’s never gotten a sticker in his windshield?
Voicemail 4: … the paper and the glue residue is still permanently affixed to my fucking windshield. And now it just smudges. I can’t take the last part of this sticker off! It looks a thousand times worse, I wish I hadn’t peeled it!
Sean: If they use an actual sticker, they should not have done that. It’s usually just a thing that clings.
Voicemail 4: … they fucked me! I just wanted an oil change not my windshield is permanently fucked with this goddamn glue residue.
Sean: Just get some Goo Gone.
Voicemail 4: Go fuck yourself.
Sean: That’s a little much. That’s a little much.
Dick: We’ll see if you like this one.
Voicemail 5: Have you ever noticed when you take a drunk shower, and then you start pissing, and then you don’t know if you’ve stopped because of all the water and shit, and then you relax your pelvic muscles, and it just feels like you’re pissing forever, like a shower pissing nirvana even though you stopped pissing a while back but you don’t freaking notice because you’re drunk?
Dick: And your body is all the same temperature.
Sean: I don’t remember that.
Dick: Oh man. Nooo…
Sean: It kind of makes sense as he was explaining it and going along.
Dick: You can get into this perfect spot where you pee…
Sean: Because you’re so relaxed, right?
Dick: You’re so relaxed, your body’s warming up, it’s all the same temperature, it becomes the same temperature as the piss.
Sean: Wait, I know what you’re talking about.
Dick: And you’re so relaxed that you don’t feel it shutting, you just feel it totally open like everything is flowing through you, then you’re like, “What if I open my mouth and I can swallow just the right amount of water that I can just pee forever.”
Sean: Well that’s like the new meditation, you know. They’re teaching that for $1000 an hour in Silverlake now.
Dick: How to pee forever?
Dick: I’ve heard about that.
Sean: It’s like tantric.
Dick: Tantric pissing for men. Get in weird poses to bee because of how satisfying it is. All kinds of evacuations. The squatty potty was just the first step for doing downward dog standing up, standing up with the flamenco, running of course. Can you poop while you’re running?
Sean: Oh, it depends how bad your stomach is. I mean if you think you’re gonna get more than you bargained for you better not run.
Dick: That’s a dangerous game.
Sean: Yeah, I’m pretty sure it can happen running.
Dick: You know, we should start doing what makes me a calm. That’ll be an interesting – talking about all this piss zen.
Sean: What makes me a calm. I don’t know if that’s going to fly the same way.
Dick: I don’t think so. It doesn’t have the same zing.
Sean: Maybe not. You know, it’s like you know what I really like? You know what I really enjoy? Nobody wants to hear that.
Dick: Nothing. Because nothing is what I really enjoy. One more. Okay, this is – Sean, you didn’t like that other guy, but this is one that’ll definitely work you up.
Voicemail 6: Hey Dick: I got a rage for you this week. Small Tupperware. Now, I was looking around my house for Tupperware to put one of my half-completed meals away, and all I could find were these little, tiny shitty – like these small Tupperware that you get when you buy a set of Tupperware. Now I don’t fucking get that shit, because why not just send or sell all the big Tupperware – get like 5 of those as opposed to 2 tiny ones, 2 medium ones, one big one? That pisses me off because you know what? You can put little amounts of food in big tupperware, but you can’t put big amounts of food in little tupperware.
Dick: Sean, this is simple stuff.
Voicemail 6: Anyway that’s all I have for this week. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Big tupperware, put anything in that. Little tupperware is worthless.
Sean: The condiments are easier in the little tupperware with the snap on lids. You can bring salad dressing in it, and you don’t have to pack a whole bunch of shit.
Dick: What am I gonna put half of a salmon fillet?
Sean: No! Liquids. Semi-liquids.
Dick: You’re got Ziploc bags for that.
Sean: Oh god. You’re right, that pissed me off.
Dick: Damn it, I had a real good – I had a good one from a guy who needed advice. We’ll do – we’ll do it later. Alright everybody, see you.
Dick: Fuck, it’s Monday. Fuck Monday, man.