The Dick Show

Episode 2 – Dick on Father's Day

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Larry Bleidner

Transcribed by Philipp Brodka

Dick: Yeah-hea! Welcome to The Dick Show! The echoiest podcast in the world.

(Sean laughs)

Dick: Dick Show. Get plenty of Dick. You need more Dick? This is the show where you get it.

Larry: (matter of fact-ly) Your source for Dick.

Dick: This is your source for Dick. Um, it's what everybody wants. It's the only podcast where everything is a contest. With me, always is Sean.

Sean: Hey Dick.

Dick: Hey! What's going on Sean? And with me today is a special guest auditioning to be my co-host. A very good friend of mine -

(Larry makes a sceptical sound)

Dick: - Larry Bleidner.

Larry: (upbeat) Hi Dick!

Dick: Larry, you are the author of “Mack Daddy” -

Larry: Yes.

Dick: - which is the... the... what is it, the authoritative guide...

Larry: It's the last word on how to be a dad.

Dick: The last word on how to be a dad. I wanted to have you on the show, this episode specifically because Father's Day's coming up.

Larry: Absolutely! A... a... a not properly celebrated holiday, I must say. It gets a fraction - a fraction of the billions spent on Mother's Day, on dads. We're the -

Dick: So tha -

Larry: - neglected parent.

Dick: That's p-, that's part of what I wanted to ask you -

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, I know the only thing I know about being a dad is asking girls what their dads are like and hoping that they were bad.

(Larry chuckles)

Dick: So, I think we need... an actual dad in here -

Larry: Sure, yeah.

Dick: - to answer some questions.

Larry: Be happy to.

Dick: Yeah, we're gonna get to that. Let's get... let's - let's get some, do some fan mail first 'cause I'm pumped. I'm pumped about this show, man.

Larry: Rip it, baby.

Dick: I... what?

Sean: What am I showing these guys right now? Can they see anything? (Dick simultaneously: What do you mean what are you show -- yeah they can see) Well, where do you want me to put it?

Dick: Can everybody see? Just read the comments!

Sean: They're staring... they're staring at the ceiling.

(Larry laughs heartily)

Dick: What do you mean they're staring at the... Sean, that’s not a camera. What you're holding is only a uh, uh, a reading device.

Sean: Oh, you're doing it from there.

Dick: I have the camera from here.

Sean: You were going to do it from here.

Dick: I was going to do it for everybody listening (Sean simultaneously: Alright, alright) probably not in the know... my uh, my Patrons on, my Patreons... my Patrons... (Larry chuckles softly) the big spenders... the 20 dollar spenders, the guy with the, guys with the big money.

Larry: The Gelt, baby.

Dick: The guys who wanna show off -

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - how successful they are. In life.

Larry: Hmm.

Dick: They pay 20 bucks a month to get the live feed. Right, to get the live feed and to be in the chat room. That's what we're talking about right now. Of course, there was all kinds of fuckery getting this technology going. Because nothing works.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Nothing works at all ever. So what Sean's referring to is uh, is his liveHangout feed of the show. You do have that, right Sean?

Sean: I do have that.

Dick: Okay. So if you wanna be part of the live Hangout hit up, go to find your way over to the Patreon page... kick in a little dough... show off, show everybody how much money you got, how big your dick is. And then you can be a part of this conversation, right? What's up?

Sean: Nothing.

Dick: Good, okay.

Sean: Do your... do your little show.

Dick: Um. Yeah, thank you. I'm pumped! (Larry laughs) This whole week I've been pumped... I've been like, like when I go, when I go to the gym this week I don't even need NO2, I don't need any creatine. I just go read the comments for the last show. And then I walk right through the fuckin' wall.

Larry: (acknowledging) there you go.

Dick: That's how pumped up I am about Dick Show number 1.

Sean: They were good.

Dick: They were good! Everybody loved it, man! That was great! Um, here's some of the comments... Blaine Cooper: "I love having Dick in my ears."

Larry: Ey.

Dick: Jim McGrath: "I'm so fuckin' happy Sean came with you."

Sean: (appreciative) Thanks, man.

Dick: 'Cause you're like... the divorce... victim...

Sean: I know, I get two Christmases.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: You get two Christmases. You get -

Larry: And two dads.

Dick: - now instead of just... (Larry laughs)

Sean: No, these are definitely both mothers, man. (Larry laughs again)

Dick: Aww... please. Now instead of just doing a lot of work for no money once a week, you get to do a lot of work for not enough money... twice a week. Right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You do this out of the love.

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah, okay.

Sean: You don't do this for the money.

Dick: Thank you Sean.

Sean: 'Cause there's no money.

Dick: Uh, Joe Rowe: "How do I get a shot at co-hosting? I want to own the podwaves." Joe, it's open. I'm gonna get some fans in here to get their shot at co-hosting too. I think these, I think this show, and the last show... had some of the funniest fans, smartest fans, and definitely the funniest fans of any podcast. So I'll be bringing fans in here. I think I might just open the phone lines one episode.

Sean: Cool.

Larry: Maybe have a contest for that backdrop too.

Dick: Oh, what's that?

Larry: The backdrop.

Dick: The curtain?

Larry: The paisley.

Dick: You like the paisley?

Larry: You know there might be some, uh, decor types that can improve that for you.

Dick: If you wanna know what Larry's talking about, go to the Patreon -

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - kick in some money, and you can see the feed yourself. "Gotta love a long Dick" Jordon Scott. Lang Zacco: "And I wish my dick could recover this fast" Very funny. Uh, Joe Albert: "How the hell was this URL not already taken?"

(Sean laughs)


Larry: Really.

Dick: Yeah I thought it would be, you know, full of, uh, full of gay porn. (silent pause). Right?

Larry: Makes sense.

Dick: It's probably the only URL associated --

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - with the Dick name, that isn't.

Larry: Yes. That supposition pencils out.

Dick: But it wasn't. Okay, here's uh, here's an announcement. Larry, as you know, this show is my never-ending quest... is there a weird sound?

(Transcriber’s note: no there isn’t.)

Sean: There's a lot of weird sounds.

Dick: Should I shut this fan off? Or turn it down? Uh, okay. The point of this show is to find... the perfect co-host.

Larry: Right.

Dick: For me. And I think... that that perfect co-host is a huge… rage monster.

Larry: (understandingly) Mmh.

Dick: You know what I mean?

Larry: Yes.

Dick: I mean somebody... somebody who has a bottomless pit -

Larry: Yes.

Dick: - of rage. Like mythical. Their rage is... is... is... is mythical.

Larry: Mm hmm.

Dick: They'll tell stories of this man's rage or woman's rage throughout the rest of time.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: So that's what the, that's what the purpose of this podcast was. And last week, we had our first contestant in the... the show where everything is a contest. Al- Allegra Ringo.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Where she brought in what makes her a rage.

Larry: Mm hmm.

Dick: And then the audience voted -

Larry: Right.

Dick: - on whether or not she is a rage.

Larry: Right.

Dick: Or not.

Larry: Right. I got it.

Dick: Uh. The results are in.

Larry: How do they look?

Dick: Well.

(Larry clears throat)

Dick: She would probably think this was good news. But, Allegra was voted "Not A Rage."

Larry: Mm.

Dick: So… Spot's still open.

(Larry wheezes)

Dick: Guys. That's what I'm sayin'. The spot's still open.

Larry: So you're looking for a bottomless pit of boiling... bile.

Dick: I think so, yeah.

Larry: Yeah, okay.

Dick: I mean, some- somebody. My last... my last co-host - he once was enraged because I said water is blue. And he said, "no it's not."

Larry: Mm.

Dick: That's the level of, that's the level of rage we're talking about.

Larry: Contentious.

Dick: Contentious. Right?

Larry: And the sky's not blue either. We could go there, but... well, actually you would know, right? You're kind of an astronomy type.

Dick: Dude, look. It's blue.

Larry: It's blue.

Dick: I look up and it's blue.

(Larry laughs)

Larry: That works.

Dick: Alright. Um... uh. (sighs) I'll tell you what does make me a rage -

Larry: What?

Dick: - this week though.

Larry: What?

Dick: And this is something that we would have never got to talk about on the old show.

Larry: Mm hmm.

Dick: We all know what just happened in Florida.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Right?

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Huge tragedy.

Larry: (Larry hesitates) Well, I'll disagree with you there.

Dick: That it's a huge tragedy?

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Why do you...

Larry: To me -

Dick: Why do you disagree?

Larry: - it's because it's by def --

Dick: I like already the disagreeing! Why - why do you...

Larry: Because it wasn't by definition a tragedy. A tragedy is an earthquake that kills a bunch of people, or uh... or a brushfire, or a shipwreck. That's a tragedy. Yeah. When some -

Sean: (with a smirk) you’re making the semantic argument.

Larry: Right. When some - when some -

Dick: No, no, I think I know what you're talking about.

Larry: When some - when some fucktard shoots up a club like that, that's an atrocity. And, I'll tell you something. And I only say that because it's a - you know I'm a stickler for... for uh, for pin- pinpointing uh... words.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: No, you're right.

Larry: Yeah. And - and when people - and they say this all about all this other shit that goes on. They're always "oh that's such a trag--" It's not a fucking tragedy. It's a fucking atrocity.

Dick: It is an atrocity.

Larry: A big difference.

Sean: Yeah, you're right.

Larry: And, you know.

Sean: Popular usage has changed (Larry simultaneously: Yeah, it has) a lot of words, and it's kinda fucked it up.

Larry: It's fucked it up! And it - it takes out the horror of it. And you say a tragedy is when - when your dog dies. A tragedy is getting a fatal disease. These are all tragedies that are sort of unavoidable.

Dick: Tragedy is something that happens to you.

Larry: And it's unavoidable.

Dick: This is something that someone decided to do.

Larry: Correct.

Dick: Yeah. Um... I've read a lot of stuff on the internet that's pissed me off about it in the last couple days. One (sigh) yeah. Exactly what you're talking about. This is - this is just a thing that's -

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: It's - and it's - it's the i-- the idea that we're not allowed to have a position on it.

Larry: No.

Dick: 'Cause it's not appropriate.

Larry: Right.

Dick: Well, folks. I mean, this is... this is what happens now.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Like that, the idea that we've gotta wait... to weigh in. On the - on these terrorist attacks is a luxury that I don't think we have. That we've... we've thrown away. By fucking around. Like, that's a luxury that people who make a lot of good decisions leading up to these things happen and we've not been doing that. In my opinion.

Larry: No. Not at all.

Dick: It is. It is an atrocity.

Larry: It is an atrocity. And to quote someone who's really (clears throat) shouldn't be brought into the conversation, but he actually had the perfect phrase: Charles Manson... would, would say "You have to commit to the now. (imitates maniacal laughter)" And this is the new now!

Dick: Yeah this, this is...

Larry: And nobody wants to fuckin' face it.

Dick: This is the new fuckin' now. And people do not want to face it.

Larry: No.

Dick: It's -

Sean: And there goes the potential co-host job.

(Larry and Dick laugh)

Dick: And what I see all the time is - I brought this up on the other show. But it's this - not only is it not all - not all blanks. Everybody - everybody says not all Muslims. Muslims... err Islam's a religion of peace. Right? And I'm fine with that. Because I wanna draw a very - a VERY sure distinction right now. Sure, Islam's a religion of peace. Okay. When a religion becomes a political ideology, is when it tries to enforce those beliefs on everybody else.

Larry: Right.

Dick: You know what I'm saying? And this is, this is what I'm saying about, about Islam in general which, which the Twittersphere has pissed me off in their defense of it is that it is not, at this point, it is not just a religion. It is also... also an extremely motivated political ideology. It is a government. It is a government that is using the - that is using religion -

Larry: Right.

Dick: - as a crutch to push these atrocities.

Larry: Right.

Dick: And it's - it's very - it's it's almo- it's almost, from their side, the perfect way to do it. Because you push out - you push out all the goodness. You push the good, you put the goodness in front. Right? Because, there's - there's a certain percentage of, of - you know a tremendous amount of these people that are, that are innocent that are - that are practicing Islam like, like a religion. Like you would think of a religion as just a system of beliefs, right? Whatever you wanna do with your system of beliefs, do it. Whatever you think happened. You think there's a - you think there's a guy in the sky that's looking down on you and judging you this way or that way. You think doing these, you think doing these acts - you think participating in this ceremony is gonna put you - curry favour with this guy, fine. But as soon as you start pushing other people to do it, now you got a government! Right? So I don't understand why everyone keeps repeating that this is a - that this is in any way related to religion. It's related to the politics of Islam.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: Um, and I mean is that crazy? And I know that it's - and then everyone says ‘Well Christian... Well what about Christianity? There's hor- there's horrific acts done in, uh, in the name of Christianity every day.’

Larry: (incredulous) really?

Dick: Right? Well. You know what? I'm just gonna give it to 'em like let- let's say that the Klu Klux Klan is a religious organization or it was. Let's say bombing abortion clinics was, uh religiously motivated. Right? Let's - let's just throw - let's just throw all of Utah into it. Let's throw all of gay marriage into it. Right?

(Larry laughs)

Dick: All of it - all of uh abortion into it. All of it is religiously motivated - um, religiously motivated activism. Right? Brutal activism. Which, which people will look at it and say like ‘(mocking tone) oh, well it's the same then, you know?’ That. That alone should convince you that there is a problem here. Because it's so similar. Because we as a society rain hell on the - on the political parts of Christianity... constantly. You know what I'm saying? We're used - we're used to being - we're used to beating that dog down. We're used to taking Christianity and looking at it and saying ‘(mocking) okay, you guys can - you can believe those things, you can participate in church. You can have that. But the second, you start telling everybody else what they're allowed and not allowed to do we will (yelling) fucking hammer you.’

Sean: They're legislating morality.

Dick: (raises voice) Oh, and everybody does it collectively -

Sean: Sure.

Dick: - there are is no sacred calves, right? Everybody shits on Catholicism for it, and Christianity. And good. It's good. Because the last thing you want is that dog to start biting. Right? And on the other hand, this dog over here that we're dealing with, I'm talking about Islam. This dog thinks it's people. That line between religion and political ideology is NOT accepted. And it's really pissing me off. It's really pissing me off because you got entire governments that are just founded on these - founded on principles, and they're not founded on the feel-good principles. Right? They're founded on the principles where you go take over everybody else, and start making them do things.

Larry: Let's look at the numbers. ISIS says they have a kill-list of 8000 Americans, and I think after today that's going to be 8001.

Dick: Oh man.

(Larry laughs)

Larry: They're coming for ya, baby.

Dick: You know -

Larry: Get out - get out that prayer rug. (Larry chuckling)

Dick: Well (stammers) they're - Larry! They're already - I'm already on the list!

Larry: Are you on the –

(Larry laughing)

Dick: We're all, we're all already on the list!

Larry: It's true. It's true.

Dick: That's what drives me insane. Last week. Um - I was joking with Allegra and I said ‘what do you like most about Trump? Do you like that he's trying to protect women by - by keeping radical Islam out of the country?’ And she - she was, like, she made this face like ‘no. God no.’ I'm like, well wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What does everybody - like what do these celebrities that are so concern- that are so concerned about Islamophobia - what do they think people like me are trying to do? Like in - in a - in an Islamic kalifate... I win. There's - I'm a straight, man. Who will do and say anything. Right, like – this - they're - their entire system is built for me. What am I – by - by fighting it -by trying to expose something about it that is wrong, the only people who benefit are the oppressed! Are women! Are uh… in this case gay men! Like these are the people that are, that 8000 list? That 8000 list does not include every single gay man in America? Every single woman in America? Right, and what's the size of that list, then? 20, 10, 20 million people? It's - how many, how many do you think are - how many gays do you think there are?

Sean: What just gay? Or?

Larry: Gay? Gay's about -

Dick: Oh I'm sorry, yeah. Just gay. Just gay, what do you think?

Larry: Ten percent, right?

Sean: I think it's around ten percent, they figure.

Larry: So that's uh... 30 million?

Dick: Man I tell you, if I was - if I was a gay man, I would be - I would be very concerned about - about this problem. I would very - I would be very concerned about the problem of radical Islam.

Larry: (agreeing) Yeah. Should be.

Dick: I'm only a little bit gay and look at how fired up I am.

Larry: Look at - look at you. Look at you now. (In a low seductive voice) You know, when you get that fire in the eyes. Dick.

Sean: Uh oh.

Larry: Eh? Right?

Dick: (pauses) Yeah... um.

(Larry laughs)

Dick: Well that's what's making me ‘a rage’ this week. I mean I don't even need to get into the stats of it because I think the whole thing is just a brilliant ad campaign. You've got the religious part, and then you hammer the political part behind the scenes. You bamboozle everybody with the religion, and this is ‘(mocking) ah this is religion, this is the same as yours!’ And then behind the scenes you got some small percentage of people hammering the politics through.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: And we know that when it comes to Christianity. We know what that looks like and we fight it all the time. It is protecting people from religion. No matter what religion it is, is eternal vigilance. Like everybody in society is wary of it. You know what I mean? We are, and we - we mock it. We mock it mercilessly. We don't attack it with weapons. We don't attack it with bombs. We're not nuking the South. Right? We just mock it. We expose it, we mock it. And we, we gotta start doing that. We can't be afraid of this shit anymore, like, uh, the --

Larry: Well the whole approach is - is cockeyed. I mean you - there's - what is – what - what's it going to come to where everybody lives in a perimeter with, you know, machine gun nests around the house and, and metal detectors everywhere. I mean it's - it's - this is not - this is not the way to fix this. The uh…

Dick: Well, no

Sean: Well, it's like living in Israel.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: The enhanced security thing is not the way to go about it. It just isn't. It's not going to do it.

Dick: Uh, my Life Coach said something very similar that - well how many of these - how many of these have to happen before you - one starts packing.

Larry: Right.

Dick: I'm like, well I'm - never gonna do that. But then I'm like, well wait a minute, what's the number?

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: What's the exact number?

Larry: Right.

Dick: Right? Well, anyway. That's my - everybody's bringing up gun control.

Larry: Aww...

Dick: Like this has anything to do with gun control, like they -

Sean: Like they wouldn't have made a bomb.

Larry: Right!

Dick: (yelling) like they couldn’t have driven a car? Like the - like obtaining a gun was the hardest part of this? The hardest part of this was convincing someone to murder hundreds of peep- dozens of people. Like - that is much harder than getting a gun, than building a gun, than inventing a fucking gun.

Larry: Well they will always - always conflate those issues to drive the anti-gun agenda. Always.

Dick: Yeah, I don’t know man. I don’t know how that’s – that’s gotta change right? I mean we can’t move – we can’t keep hammering that point, can we? Of somehow gun control is gonna stop this?

Larry: That’s what they think.

(Dick groans)

Larry: You know, again! In Boston, where was the pressure cooker control?

Sean: What about uhh… McVeigh?

Larry: (agreeing) And McVeigh! Exac – Yeah he blew up 200 plus people with a –

Dick: Fertilizer.

Larry: - with a van full of shit. A van full of shit.

Dick: Yeah…

Larry: I mean come on, if people wanna kill, they will find a way to kill. And, by the way, this asshole in Florida (starts chuckling) was a paid professional – so called professional security guard. Who acquired his weapons perfectly legally -

Dick: You know –

Larry: - and he was sub-contracted to the department of homeland security. That’s the irony of it.

Dick: No, and he worked for an organization that drove – they called them, uh… they call them non-Mexican immigrants, that drove them from the border to other places to put them on buses so they could go back. But there’s no – There’s no verifying that. At all. So he worked for an organization that just… picks up people – buries them all over.

Larry: Sounding like Disneyland!

Dick: No, it’s terrifying.

Larry: (in a child-like voice) Happiest place on earth!

Dick: It’s terrifying!

(Larry chuckles)

Dick: It’s terrifying and it’s – it’s uh… it’s - it’s coming apart at the seams guys. It’s – I don’t think that’s crazy. I don’t think it’s crazy because we’re not even talking about the same thing anymore. Like, these… the conversation about this huge horrifying, atrocious problem, is not – we’re not even talking about the same thing. Everybody is talking past each other.

Larry: Right, that’s true.

Dick: I mean, I don’t mean know what – we don’t even know what the goal we’re working toward is.

Larry: That’s true.

Sean: (groaning) making sure we don’t offend anybody I think -

Dick: (enraged) Yeah! I mean that’s what half the people –

Sean: That’s the goal.

Larry: That’s the goal! (in a wimpy voice) don’t step on anybody’s toes. Don’t hurt their feelings. They can be dead… but at least we didn’t hurt their feelings.

Dick: (in defeat) Yeah…

(Larry chuckles)

Sean: At least you’re not a racist.

Dick: Yeah, at least you’re not a racist, there you go. Alright. Larry!

Larry: Yes, sir!

Dick: I took up too much time with my –

Larry: Rant?

Dick: - with my (exhales audibly) offensive rants, yet again. But I – the reason why I thought you’d be a great co-host for this show… is because I do think you’re – I do think you’re a rage. I think these questions will prove it –

Larry: Okay.

Dick: - and… I think you’re like the ultimate ‘radio dad’.

Larry: (in a low rumbly voice) oh my god…

Dick: Like that voice – this voice you have is like from a, from a prior era, where men had to sound like they have great voices to be heard on the radio. Right? Like you listened to me and Maddox for two years and it sounds like two weasels getting their tails yanked -

(Sean and Larry chuckling)

Dick: - for an hour, right? It’s like in a high pitched voice) ‘Nyaaaa, nyaaa, nyaaaa!’, but you have this like…. Resonant voice that sounds like butter. Like, it sounds like uh…. It sounds like a Macallan –

(Larry chuckling appreciatively)

Dick: 18year old scotch that’s just pouring into your ear hole and seeping into the back of your throat.

Larry: How did you… you’ve seen my morning health regiment. How did you know that?

Dick: Yeah!

Larry: (chuckling) Funnel of Macallan –

Dick: Yeah…

Larry: - in the ear.

Dick: So I got these – I got this interview for you.

Larry: Lay it on me, baby.

Dick: Alright, question one.

Larry: Mm.

Dick: This is in your field of expertise.

Larry: Okay.

Dick: I’d like to start with your field of expertise.

Larry. Okay…

Dick: Fatherhood is your expertise.

Larry: (inhaling and pondering) partly, yeah.

Dick: Fatherhood…

Larry: Yes.

Dick: What’s in it for me?

Larry: (pondering) aah… ‘what’s in it for you?’ Um… you know… shooting from the hip: shortened lifespan?

Dick: (questioningly) shortened lifespan?

(Sean cackling slowly and Larry wheezing)

Larry: For openers –

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: uh… you know it’s… mm… it’s a… yeah, it’s ah… if you’re into coprophilia? You know, you have an infant that’s gonna shit on you, it’s gonna piss on you:

Dick: Coprophilia is uh… you’re aroused by feces…

Larry: Well yeah. There’s gonna be a lot of…

Dick: I had to put it together.

Sean: (poking fun) Like you wouldn’t know that!

Larry: Lot of – lot of –

Dick: I went through a lot of weird shit but –

Sean: That’s not one of them?

Dick: - literally shit is not of them.

Sean: Okay. Fair enough.

Larry: The excre… no matter how careful you are –

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: - how good your diapering techniques or your changing tables et cetera you’re gonna wind up splattered with shit and piss –

Dick: (in disgust) yeah…

Larry: - pretty often.

Dick: That’s a strike though.

Larry: Yeah!

Dick: That’s why I bring it up. Because I’m seeing a lot of strikes. I think that –

Larry: Well…

Dick: Go ahead.

Larry: Well here’s the thing. On the – it depends. You know what? I’ll tell you what, Dick. It’s totally dependent on the uh… on the kid! Right? Over which you have absolutely zero control.

Dick: Mm hmm.

Larry: Okay, I don’t blame – When I had one kid I believed in the nurture overwriting the nature part of the… equation, right? You’ve heard this I’m sure, there’s a kid raised, what‘s the product of –

Dick: Yeah… so you’ve got two kids for the listeners –

Larry: - I have two kids… I have two kids –

Dick: and they are about… 18? –

Larry: - two girls. Well now one’s – one’s 16 and the other one’s 11.

Dick: Oh, what a nightmare!

Larry: Okay? Yeah!

(Dick laughing)

Larry: And they’re both gorgeous and smart and so –

Dick: Even worse!

Larry: (agreeing) yeah even worse. And so the uh – the first one, you know, we were convinced, ‘oh, you know, aren’t we slick – you know, we’re the best parents’, because this kid, she was - you know when my first was born – she was, she would sleep about 22 hours a day. We thought she had narcolepsy or something, you know. When in fact that’s just what she needed to recharge. She’s actually building up a lot of steam to really give us a pain in the ass later on. Bu, um, the second one came along and almost killed me! Okay? Five years later. Because she never slept.

Dick: Okay.

Larry: And I never was sick, ever. In the course of one year I had pneumonia twice. Thanks to –

Dick: That’s like a ‘Oregon Trail’ disease.

Larry: - it really! It was like ‘holy crap!’ So you think that you’ve got a part of this. And then the first one was very cerebral, you know. She was reading at a very young age and always carrying a book and this for – you know, and the second one has come to be that now that she’s been 11 but when she was, you know, five, six years old a book was something to shred and put in the toilet.

Dick: Yeah…

Larry: You know, she’d go off, and it was just fun, you know. So you have absolutely no control –

Sean: (cheekily) especially your book, Dick!

Larry: Espe- and mine! Yeah, she did mine (suppressing laughter), so you… you think, you know, you think you’re ‘oh wow look at me! Look at what I’ve raised’. You haven’t raised a goddamn thing. They come with their own agenda and hardwiring.

Dick: Okay. So I seem – it seems like people – I’m glad you said that. Because it seems like anybody going into it –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - has a big ol’ smile on their face.

Larry: (in agreement) oh yeah.

Dick: Like, I compare it to anyone going late to the gold rush.

Larry: Hmm, that’s right.

Dick: Like the, you know, 1849, was that when it was?

Sean: Yeah, 49ers.

Dick: Yeah, yeah yeah… Going to the gold rush, but they’re going two years late.

Larry: Yeah!

Dick: And I’m like, ‘well, I’m gonna get there and I’m gonna… get me rich –

Larry: Yeah…

Dick: - I got… it’s gonna be nothing but smooth sailing, cause I’m prepared for it.’ That’s what I –

(Larry chuckles)

Dick: - that>’s what I think of, whenever I see a first-time parent coming along.

Larry: Of course.

Dick: So I really want your perspective on it, cause it sounds like that – like your nature vs nature thing, it sounds like the luck of the draw.

Larry: It is! It is. You know, and then by the time that umm… you know, on the far sight of it though uh… I’d used to joke when I’d walk around the two of them when they were toddlers, you know. People said ‘oh’, you know the old ladies at the supermarket ‘oh, what are these?’ you know like, what do you think they are. And I would always answer’ they’re my bodyguards’. And now (Larry wheezes) they almost are. And they’re pretty ferocious, you know. And so, it’s like, at least I think umm… you know, having kids I probably think to not die alone, which many –

Dick: Okay. That’s a good plus, okay.

Larry: - okay? So there’s a positive for you. Somebody’d poor some Macallan over your grave, you know execute your will –

Dick: (mumbling to himself) not dying alone.

Sean: What if they put you in a home?

Larry: Uh… well yeah that would suck, wouldn’t it…

Sean: No guarantees.

Larry: No guarantees, you’re right. Well it depends, if it was, like a swinger home –

(Sean scoffs)

Larry: - or something, that might be okay, but – do they have any of those?

Dick: I think they’re all swinger homes.

(Larry bursts out laughing)

Dick: Like the –

Sean: With Viagra?

Dick: Oh, dude!

Sean: (enthusiastic) Yeah!

Dick: Wha – can you imagine how pissed off women off like 69+ years old were when Viagra hit the scene?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because you just - now you’re just fighting off hard-ons at the retirement home with a machete. –

Larry: yeah.

Dick: - Right? Um... the incidence of STD jumps, has this crazy spike –

Larry: Is that a fact?

Dick: - between 60 and 69.

(Larry bursts out laughing in disbelief)

Dick: Like something like that. Because they’re like ‘well, you know what? Fuck it!’

(Larry laughing even harder)

Sean: Well yeah, and they don’t have to worry about pregnancy.

Dick (pondering) oh yeah…

Sean: No pre – so it’s like ‘well yeah, why should I use protection? Fuck it, I can’t get pregnant’.

Dick: Well I asked because I think fatherhood is a hugely important role.

Larry: It is!

Dick: I think it is overlooked and underappreciated.

Larry: Damn straight!

Dick: But I also think that dads like that it’s unappreciated.

Larry: Gives us something to bitch about?

Dick: Yeah, I think that men like being martyrs about fatherhood and father’s day –

Larry: Yeah, there’s some of that.

Dick: - being overlooked.

Larry: You know, a part – part of it, I mean – don’t get me wrong. It’s been overwhelmingly good, I wouldn’t undo it – I mean, you know. But you just don’t know going into it. But I’ll tell you what: some – another apart, if you wanna get a bit rage-y is, what your kids will do to you, Dick is –

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: - they will um…. They will rigid in your life do that you’re gonna suddenly be forced to socialize with some assholes that you wouldn’t ever even share a zip code with.

Dick: (intrigued) Ah, okay!

Larry: Okay, and the fact that –

Dick: Okay, that’s another positive!

Larry: No!

Dick: (in disbelief) No?

Larry: No, this is not a positive. Because what happens is: your kids will befriend the kids of other folks –

Dick: Right.

Larry: - and this is actually a function of the time we live in and the geography, okay.

Dick: Okay.

Larry: When I grew up in New York nobody ever… fucking playdate? What does a playdate – I went out in the street, there were kids there, we played. I never, you know, I never knew their parents, they didn’t know mine. That was it. It was my own little world. That’s how it worked.

Dick: Right.

Larry: Now, you know, Los Angeles with every corner hiding a predator and a child molester everyone must have adults, you know – this has really spawned the fucking helicopter parents. So if you want me to rage I can get for that for a couple of hours.

Dick: (inviting) Please! It’s a show of rage and science. –

Larry: I like these –

Dick: I covered the science with talking about Islam I think.

Larry: The, wha – these assholes. And so what happens is you find yourself forced, really, to interface with the parents of your kids playmates.

Dick: Okay.

Larry: And most of the time I just – I’d like – I’d rather behead them than talk to them.

Dick: Right.

Larry: They’re fucking horrible.

Dick: That’s a healthy reaction from a man.

Larry: We – yeah, We did the Halloween thing last Hallo – the trick or treat deal, right?

Dick: Yeah, right.

Larry: With my 11year old and some of her friends.

Sean: (snarky) I hear that’s like a new fad.

Dick: (scoffing in amusement) yeah.

Larry: Yeah! It wa- Here’s this is really – So many of the moms and dads: they dress up in costume, too!

(Dick groans and cringes)

Larry: That’s fucked! You know what? You’re done. It’s the kids’ turn to play. Put your fucking clown costume away and be a parent. (Larry chuckling) But that aside, we’re walking –

Dick: (yelling) No, you’re right! Because it’s taking so much attention away from the kid.

Sean: A really gay scene.

Larry: Exactly. Right, it’s… correct, yeah.

Dick: Like you’re supposed to put that into them, while you’re – aww man, and I can just imagine the kind of woman, especially in LA –

(Larry letting out a pained groan)

Dick: - or man, cause in LA you can’t tell the difference –

Larry: You can’t tell the difference, no.

Dick: - half the time, anyway. I can ima- right?

Larry: As franks-

Dick: (yelling) I mean they act the same! They act the same now, man.

Larry: Yes!

Dick: Ten years ago I would have said that as a joke -

Larry: But it’s true. It’s true.

Dick: - but now I listen to men talk and I’m like ‘Am I listening to women talking from a time machine here? What the fuck are you guys talking about?’

Larry: Frank Zappa called them ‘men with women’s heads.’

Dick: Mm hmm.

Larry: And he was right. He was dead-on right. No –

Dick: And I can see them getting way too into their costume.

Larry: (repulsed) oh…

Dick: Like setting up the whole like von Trapp family or some- a theme that the kid doesn’t even know.

Larry: Sure! Yeah.

Dick: Like a dad who is more into superheroes than their kids. Forcing the daughter to be uh… black widow –

Larry: Yes.

Dick: - when she wanted to just be a princess, right? (To Larry) go ahead!

Larry: Yeah. Well you know what it is. I mean the new – the new Zeitgeist almost demands that ‘daddy be a mommy too’. And here’s your – you know you become a dad –

(cat quietly meowing in background?)

Larry: - and they wanna hand you a shirt with tit-flaps or something.

Dick: Hmm.

Larry: You know, so you can nurse along with mommy. It’s really – It’s really sick. It really is. And these fathers just – they love to assume that role, you know. At Halloween we went out with a few other kids, whatever, and parents and walking through a really, (chuckling) really fucking wealthy neighbourhood in the West Valley, you know. You know, cheap as shit box houses for four million bucks.

Dick: Yeah. Good candy? Bad candy?

Larry: Uh… no candy.

Sean: Apples n’ shit.

Larry: Uh… yeah. Apples with razors in them. So the –

Sean: If we should be so lucky.

(Larry laughs heartily) Larry: So I couldn’t believe - So I, you know – there’s absolutely zero traffic, you know, there’s zero danger and one of these dads is yelling at his kid, you know, whatever the fuck her name was. Iowa or something. (Sean chuckling)

Larry: Every time this kid – every time this kid would set foot off –

Dick: Classic name.

Larry: - of a curb, right? Or dare to up to a doorbell that he wasn’t you know, hovering over her, he would shout (in an alarmed voice) ‘Red light! Red Light! That’s not okay!’ And this kid like a f- like one of Hitler’s guard dogs would fucking freeze. And I mean freeze. You know.

Dick: (in a mocking sound) yeah…

Larry: Until dad gave the green light. And I – you know, after about three minutes of this I looked at my daughter and I went ‘Jacqui! Green light, get your ass in the street, we’re outta here!’

(Dick chuckling)

Larry: And we were. And they looked like – I guess I verbally bitchslapped them. And I’m – I have no regrets.

Dick: Ah, good for you.

Larry: You know, that was the end of that – that group activity. And suddenly a couple of other kids decided to come along with us. And they had the times of their lives. We let them basically do what the hell they wanted to do.

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: Okay? Unsupervised pretty much.

Dick: Yeah, um… why – I bring this in because my brother in law has got two sons.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: (drawing the words out) and man, do they bust his balls.

Larry: (chuckling) Good!

Dick: Yeah. Not only – not only do they bust his balls non-stop, like he took a toy from one last week, he took a toy from the one that’s like 3 ½.

Larry: Mm hmm.

Dick: Takes the toy. Little kid’s flipping out, nephew’s throwing a big tantrum. And he looks at him like – like from an action movie and just goes ‘I’ll rip those glasses right off of your face!’

(Larry laughing heartily)

Dick: And I was like – I’m sitting there watching this and I’m like ‘you just gotta – you deal with this all day.’ Like I’m coming and I’m an uncle who doesn’t care.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Like I let ‘em do whatever they want.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: I uh… I talk shit to them. Uh… I don’t have to like usher them into being grown-up people.

Larry: Right.

Dick: I just gotta come in and give them a dose of reality.

Larry: Yeah!

Dick: Like ‘here you go’ (pretends to expertly knock a small child over the head) whack! Like you just have fun! I wind them up like the Tasmanian Devil and then I’m outta there. Right?

Larry: (laughing) thank you! Thank you, Uncle Dick!

Dick: Yeah. So this guy, this poor bastard is a great dad. Always there, loves them. And you know it’s reciprocal, but all they do is bust his chubs. And I’m thinking ‘man… this – you just – maybe father’s day getting ignored is a step up from getting your chubbs busted all the time, by this little motherfucker who will never know as much as you. And I kee- I still do it. Like I thought back and I’m like – I remember doing this to my dad –

Larry: Sure.

Dick: - and I still do it.

(Larry chuckling)

Dick: And I see you nodding Sean!

Sean: I don’t think you ever outgrow that. As long as your parents are alive, especially as long as your father is alive you’ll bust his balls.

(Larry laughing)

Dick: Never would do it to mom.

Sean: No!

Dick: (vehemently) never would do it to mom!

Sean: No.

Dick: Mom can say anything and I’m like ‘mm… you know… yeah I get that.’ Like, I internalize and I’m like ‘mm… you know, that’s pretty close.’ Or I gently say, like ‘well you might wanna look into – you might wanna – you like that Sylvia Browne book. You might wanna look into…’ it’s a load of bullshit.

(Larry cackling)

Dick: Like, ‘I get it. I get what you’- But dad makes one fuck-up, one little fuck-up, a misquote or something and I’m like ‘(drawn out and smirking) hey uh… hey there daddy-o. I noticed you missed a little punctuation in that sentence. Allow – please allow me to correct you.

(Larry chuckling in agreement)

Dick: Like just the ulti- the worst – All sons become the worst internet trolls when the’re dealing with their fathers.

Larry: Really?

Dick: And I – I think so. Like an internet troll is overly pedantic.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: Like overly argumentative.

Larry: Right.

Dick: Um… you don’t have sons so you – I guess you avoided this. I’m sure daughters are their own pains in the asses but that’s why I feel – that’s how I feel sons treat their fathers.

Larry: Yeah. (begins to chuckle)

Dick: (vehemently) and it’s shameful.

Larry; It’s shameful.

Dick: It’s - it is shameful. It’s shameful, I feel bad every time I do it but goddamn I’m gonna do it. I know I’m gonna do it again.

Larry: You prick.

(Larry chuckling and Dick gathering his thoughts)

Dick: That’s why I ask ‘is there – what’s in it for dads?’ Because –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - you need ‘em! Mom builds the machine –

Larry: You need ‘em.

Dick: - and dad programs it.

Larry: And also, you know, really on the grandest of all scales it’s your – really your sole shot at a Soosaan of immortality.

(Transcriber’s note: I’m sorry guys. I have never heard of the word Soosaan before. I wrote it down the way Americans would phonetically read it. I’ll do better next time!

Larry: Because your bloodline will continue on after you, right? And also –

Dick: That’s true!

Larry: - you’re actually – you’re never closer to god when you actually – it’s not full creation but it’s pretty damn close. So if you wanna flex your god muscle become a dad.

Dick: What does that feel like?

(Larry inhaling ponderously, then laughing out loud)

Dick: Now I’m really intrigued. What the hell is a god muscle?

Larry: Well you know what? I’ll tell you what –

Sean: Depends if you’re catholic or not.

Larry: You guys are gonna laugh but when each of my kids were conceived… (in a low voice as if telling a secret) I knew.

Dick: Really? You knew…

Larry: I did. Really – I felt a disturbance in the force.

(Sean and Dick both laughing out loud)

Dick: When? Like, right away?

Larry: Instant- yeah, really.

Dick: Like Beckham when he takes a shot that’s sneaking right past the goalie –

Larry: Exactly. Precisely. Just like that.

Dick: - like ‘yeah I know that’s going in.’

Larry: Exactly.

Dick: Really!

Larry: Yes, I knew that that’s another – another, you know, soul sucked into the vortex from wherever the waiting room is.

Dick: (enthusiastic) what did the feeling feel like? I wanna know if I felt it before.

Larry: It was almost – it was almost like… hearing distant thunder. But really it was an auditory. It was like you said – it was a feeling that is nothing you can perceive with your eyes of ears of course but I just knew, you know, I was very –

Dick: I think this is a dad scam.

(Larry laughing)

Dick: Like this – this is a scam that your dad –

Larry: (still laughing) you’re thinking of Germany?

Sean: Recruiting misery.

Dick: Yeah. This is a classic ISIS recruitment technique. They’re like ‘oh, you’re never gonna get the feeling of a suicide bomb before you do it.’ Such a scam.

(Larry slowly regains composure and stops laughing)

Dick: Alright.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Let’s uh… question number two.

Larry: Ready!

Dick: Good answer, that was a good answer. Uh… question number two. You are – you are from a generation that was, I think, the last generation that had fun.

Larry: That may be true.

Dick: Sean and I have never had a day of fun in our whole lives.

Larry: Really?

Sean: Every day it gets worse.

Dick: Yeah. We used to be in a beautiful studio and now we’re here with shitty mics in an echo-y studio.

Sean: Started at the top and worked my way down.

(Larry and Dick both chuckling) Dick: Um… but from this generation I think you – part of it was that you talk to women, women talk to men, you guys talk to each other all the time.

Larry: Yes.

(Bus rumbling in the background)

Dick: I’ll wait for that bus to pass.

(Sean busts out laughing)

Dick: We’re gonna cut that out. That’s hot content-

Sean: What’s the – what’s that word I’m looking for? There’s a certain word I’m looking for. It’s uh… (snaps his fingers and emphasizes the word) professional!

Larry: Professional! There you go.

Sean: We’re not it.

Larry: Yeah…

Dick: A defining characteristic of your generation was that women and men talked to each other.

Larry: Yeah, I guess.

Dick: We don’t do that anymore. No no no. We got things like girls nights where just the girls go out. We got dudes playing video games together –

Larry: (exhaling audibly) yeah…

Dick: - what was in all these – all this wisdom you have... what is the best pick-up line that you ever use?

Larry: Well it wasn’t a line really. If you wanna – if you want to –

Dick: (with a smirk) got me already!

Larry: - if you want to –

Dick: Intrigued already!

Sean: He asked if she ever met his agent and then unzipped his pants.

Larry: There you go.

(Larry chuckling)

Larry: If you uh… you know, if you can stand on your wallet and suddenly be looking down at them from a great height that – that might, you know, that’s kinda something that would get their attention.

Dick: How would you do that?

Larry: Well –

Dick: No, that’s a good point cause I – that’s why I wear a watch.

Larry: Yeah, well –

Dick: That’s why I wear an expensive watch. Girls come up and say like ‘wow, what’s – what’s going on here –

Larry: Well there you go.

Dick: - can I see it, can I touch it?’

Larry: (nodding) yeah. Yeah. Well outside of that though if you really – I mean you always gotta sort of get to the, you know, the essence of any – of any question and really most women when they look at you they’re really thinking of a gene pool and a means to an end. And that end is: they wanna reproduce.

Dick: Okay.

Larry: ‘Kay? And that baby will come to mean so much more to them than you in a very short period of time.

Dick: Cause it’s an asshole to you.

Larry: That’s right.

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: And so you wanna – you really – the ultimate chick magnet is an infant child.

(Dick scoffs)

Larry: And if you can’t get one of those uh... get a freakin’ puppy.

Sean: A foster dog, like you were talking about!

Dick: Well yeah. Well a foster kid.

Larry: Well yeah, well yeah. You know, if you can borrow a kid or rent a kid, great! And I’ll tell you what: you know, this is a tip for you, you single, you know, dude listeners.

Dick: Okay!

Larry: Um, we just got a dog – it was a foster dog – it was a rescue dog, right? But the deal was you had two weeks to say ‘I don’t like this mutt’ and return it.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Nobody ever does.

Larry: No of course not!

Sean: Especially with kids. Kids fall in love with it –

Dick: Oh I – I know somebody who did return a foster dog.

Larry: Do you really?

Dick: Yeah I was shocked.

Larry: Really, what happened?

Sean: Well actually I do, too.

Dick: Uh… it was too much work.

Larry: Too much work?

Dick: Yeah he had to wake up and take care of it every day.

Larry: Okay. Yeah. They are work. So if I was a single dude, man, I would – I would be getting a new foster dog every, you know, several weeks.

Dick: But what about the infant? You said infant.

Larry: That’s number 1. Nothing – nothing trumps… a live human baby for attracting chicks.

Dick: Okay.

Larry: That’s - I swear to god. You put ‘er – you go to a mall with a kid in a stroller and you will be surrounded –

Sean: (cheekily) did you have to say ‘live’?

Larry: (mumbling) you know - well, you know… yeah.

(Sean and Larry both laughing)

Sean: I mean with a human baby we can safely assume –

Larry: You know when it’s… in a jar of Formaldehyde, you know – that wouldn’t –

Dick: Like what other qualifiers do we need? Human, live…

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: I’ve done this though.

Larry: Mmh!

Dick: Like, I watched the boys.

Larry: Okay.

Dick: And this, man, does not work. Like I’ll – I’ll put up a picture of me with a puppy on Facebook –

Larry: Yeah. Boom!

Dick: hundreds of likes.

Sean: Sure.

Dick: Chicks asking about the dog. I put up a picture of me and a kid on Facebook – it’s a fucking ghost town.

Larry: Really?

Dick: No – nobody. I mean: nobody. I –

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I walk around with a kid and I get the – I get the cold shoulder –

Larry: Is that right?

Dick: - from women. And I thought what you were saying was gonna happen –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - like ‘oh! Dogs are Kryptonite. This – this uh… the baby must be, you know, the silver bullet! The babies must – the babies gonna get these broads so juiced up –

Larry: Yeah! Sure!

Dick: - will get these hormones going a bit… Oh baby, right?

Larry: Yeah, yeah!

Dick: Opposite.

Larry: What was wrong with that kid?

(Larry wheezing)

Dick: (incredulous) he’s prefect!

Larry: I know. Just kidding.

Dick: But you’re right there’s – something must be wrong with the kid cause there’s nothing wrong with me.

Larry: (supressing laughter) damn right!

Dick: Well actually maybe that’s – yeah maybe those women were not looking to reproduce with me.

Larry: … maybe.

Dick: That could be… that could be part of it. Um, yeah. So I guess – let me know how that works for you. Okay. This is my – this is the question every co-host gets: What makes you… a rage?

Larry: You mean ‘a rage’ or ‘enraged’?

Dick: Why does everybody got a problem with that question? With the phrasing of that –

Larry: You know, a ra- a rage is a noun. I’m thinking, you know, the fucking thing in the desert with uh… you know, ecstasy –

Dick: Like the incredible Hulk.

Larry: Oh that!

Dick: Like a rage. What makes you a rage. Like when you get upset. Like I – or if you tell like a joke you ‘made a funny’.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: What makes you a rage?

Larry: Basically any – any form of bullshit, you know. You reach a certain in life you where your – your bullshit detector becomes almost – almost flawless and uh… and your tolerance…. Goes down, you know. It really does. It’s like you’ll put up – you’ll put up with a lot more bullshit as a kid.

Sean: For sure!

Larry: You really do. And it’s probably because –

Dick: You seek it out.

Larry: (pondering) yeah…

Dick: Like all you want is lies and bullshit.

Larry: - you can seek it out. That’s right, that’s right. And then –

Dick: Those stories.

Larry: Yeah. And then a lot of time –

Dick: Ah, that’s a good point. I mean you – when you’re a kid you’re into fairy tales – you start out with, you know, ‘the cow flew over the moon’ –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: You want tales of superheroes but, man, as you get older that shit just means… nothing. Like it means so much less and less and less every year.

Larry: And you want – and you demand truth in everything.

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: And when you get bullshit at any level uh… you know, you go nuts. I mean I… that’s what enrages me. Somebody trying to zoom me will really piss me off.

Dick: Sorry?

Larry: Somebody trying to zoom me to bullshit –

Dick: ‘Zoom’.

Larry: Zoom. That was the – that was the parlance back east for – for somebody laying a line of shit.

Dick: That’s cool.

Larry: ‘Hey man, don’t zoom me!’

Dick: Don’t zoom me, Sean!

Larry: Well it was an Aretha song. ‘Who’s zoomin’ who’.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Larry: (singing) who’s zoomin’ who…

Dick: So how do people – what kinda bullshit are you gettin’ these days?

Larry: Uh, bullshit I get from uh… you know, uh – god, you know, you just get it everywhere. From – from teachers of my kid, uh… you know, every time I turn on the TV and see something political, (spiteful) another fucking politician, they’re all liars, they all bullshit, every one of them. Uh… you know, there’s – there’s a – I think that’s probably if you – if you were to extract uh… all of academia and –and government uh… bureaucrats -

Dick: Mm hmm.

Larry: - the level of bullshit in this nation would drop to almost… negligible.

Dick: If you were to extract everything you get from politics.

Larry: Yeah, they are – they are such a source of bullshit combined –

Dick: Yup.

Larry: and uh… and it’s – yeah. And so much so, Dick, that there are times where I will almost go into uh… you know, media ingestion shutdown for several days, because I figure I’m gonna have a f-

Dick: (empathically) you can’t take it.

Larry: Yeah you can’t!

Dick: You can’t take it.

Larry: You just have to fucking tune out. And so it was no computer and – if the phone – everything’s (mimics the sound of an electric device suddenly shutting off). You know.

Dick: Oh that’s interesting you say that –

Larry: I don’t look at –

Dick: - there was a – there was a study recently or a data point – I wouldn’t even call it a study – that the – the suicide rates for men –

Larry: (understandingly) hmm!

Dick: - were jumping up inexplicably. Like it’s –

Larry. Oh, sure! Yeah.

Dick: - in the middle of a recession. Like it’s not – you’d expect like – you lose money, guys start killing themselves. Nut it’s not really changing like –

Larry: Well I – I think that’s part in parcel with the entire sort of the feminization of our culture, right?

Dick: I’ve never heard about this. Go on!

Larry: And look at – look –

(Sean chuckling)

Larry: - look at (Larry chuckling) yeah you never… it’s alien to you.

Dick: Right.

Larry: And look at the workforce. Okay? You look at guys 50, 60 years ago, right? When – when the United States was a force of industry. When we actually made things, right? And now –

Dick: It’s a good feeling.

Larry: Yeah! Damn right. And so what – you know, think about it. What are women – women, most of what women like to build uh… you know, I’m sorry Marissa Mayer of Yahoo but this is how I see it, uh.. Is kinda temporary. I mean chicks like, you know, floral arrangement. I don’t give a fuck about the flowers. I put them in a vase. You know they’re gonna be dead –

Dick: Well that’s interesting.

Larry: - what’s the point? What’s the point. You know, they’re into sort of temporary things. Guys like to achieve something that they can stand back and look at. You know, whether they’re pyramids or sphinxes or blowing up an island. You know (supressing a chuckle) it’s – it’s – they want quantifiable results. What guys get that kind of fulfilment in their work anymore? You know – what is it customer service rep? Tapping a fucking keyboard somewhere in a cubicle?

Dick: What kind of fulfilment are they gonna get –

Larry: From their work?

Dick: - at a customer service level where everything is temporary –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - where, you know, your first response for why – what’s in it for me as a dad was immortality.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: And… there is nothing – there is nothing to be proud of… I don’t think. I don’t feel proud of helping someone bitch about their internet.

Larry: Right!

Dick: You can’t contribute to… to a real thing anymore. Every – (drawing the words out) every single thing that’s being worked on just kinda seems like bullshit.

Larry: It is!

Dick: Like, you’re making an app.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: An app that’s built to be replaced in six months or never it’ll never even see the light of day. There’s some cool stuff being worked – like the fou- like the Space X projects, the – the uh…

Larry: Yeah sure.

Dick: - the Hyperloop. Like, it seems cool but it’s seems and feels like a pipedream. Like, you’re not in there –

Larry: It’s a sliver!

Dick: - making a thing –

Larry: Yeah absolutely.

Dick: That’s someone’s gonna use for twenty years.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: Uh… yeah. So I think you got a great point there.

Larry: So then, you know, and then the fun quotient has just plummeted. You know –

Dick: What do you mean ‘the fun quotient’?

Larry: Well I saw a story last week saying that college student (chuckling in disbelief) are having less sex than ever before. They’re drinking less than ever before.

Dick: (incredulous) they’re drinking less?

Larry: What the fuck is college for? If not to get laid and drunk. Okay, what’s wrong with that picture? Everything. It’s the encroaching – you know, the nanny state, the political correctness, I mean it – come on –

Dick: Well it sounds like a cult.

Larry: It is a cult! It is a cult.

Dick: I mean that’s what you do in a cult. You don’t have any – you don’t indulge any of your human desires. You go to college and you get indoctrinated as the drinking and the sex go down -

Larry: Yes!

Dick: - you’re more receptive to crazy ideas –

Larry: That’s… yeah. So I don’t wanna – I don’t wanna get laid and uh… and get loaded but I do wanna (mocking in a wimpy voice) find a safe space where I won’t be offended by anything ever!

Dick: (defeated) yeah…

(Larry chuckling)

Larry: Okay?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You’ll have a tough time in life.

(Larry laughing)

Larry: Yeah! This planet ain’t save, baby!

Dick: I mean, you ot kids, man. How do you keep them save from college? Like, you gotta send your kids to college, right?

Larry: Of course, of course.

Dick: Well how do you – what the fuck do you do? They’re going right into the lion’s den.

Larry: Well yeah. You know what – I mean life is a terminal proposition. As an uncle of mine said – ‘you have a kid: you’re sending a hostage to fate.’ And it’s fucking true. Okay? You can only take them so far and protect them so much. But at one point, you know, they’re off on their own. You know, so that’s just how it works.

Dick: Alright.

Larry: And, you know, I would hope that my kids are gonna have a few laughs along the way and accomplish something and that uh… makes up for a living – or do customer service. Jesus.

(Larry chuckling)

Dick: Oh well. Do you got any Dick Tips?

Larry: Of course –

Dick: Well, I mean, it sounds like you’re full of them.

Larry: I’m full of them!

Dick: I mean, you already had a shitload so far! But you got any real… ones specifically that you wanna tell everybody about?

Larry: Yeah. Absolutely. Uh… don’t eat fried food!

(Larry busts out chuckling)

Dick: ‘Don’t eat fried food’? Weren’t you just talking about how much fun we gotta have –

(Larry laughing out loud)

Dick: - and fried food is a personal chopping block?

Larry: No no no no. That was just a silly tip. Well, you know, if you get me a… you know, if you can narrow the field a little bit I’ll probably come up with dozens. But it’s like there’s this – it’s like the menu and Jerry’s Deli –

Sean: Well –

Dick: Well what’s helped you most – (to Sean) go ahead!

Sean: - I was gonna say: a Dick Tip would be… Like, some father like advice. Like ‘never jerk off in the shower –

Larry: (understanding) Hmm!

Sean: - otherwise you’ll get a boner every time it rains!’

Dick: (acknowledging) oh!

Larry: My god! I got a little life stu- It works. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Dick: (acting offended) It doesn’t have to be disgusting. Like Sean said. It doesn’t have to be so blue and grass.

Larry: (towards Sean) oh you! Yeah, really!

Dick: Sean, with your jo- with your zingers!

Sean: Nobody’s –

Dick: Your obscene… zingers and your rudeness!

Sean: Nobody’s listening.

(Larry chuckling)

Dick: Do you got any – yeah, any li- any generation Dick Tips?

Larry: Any general Dick Tips.

Dick: What’s helped you in your life?

Larry: You know here’s – you know, here’s mine. Here – really, here it is. Here it is for you, Dick. Here’s the tip. Um… (clears his throat) if I was Elvis, who was one of my heroes –

Dick: Sure!

Larry: - you know, Elvis always – he had custom-made for his crew – for his guys a little sort of like –

Dick: TCB!

Larry: - TCB.

Sean: Uh huh! Right.

Dick: A necklace that said ‘Taking Care of Business’ with a lightning bolt.

Larry: You’re – you’re –

Dick: I’m a huge Elvis fan.

Larry: You’re a huge Elvis fan. Well I would amend that a bit, Dick. And my – my necklaces for my crew would be ‘TNS’. Stand for –

Dick: Take No Shit?

Larry: (in a low rumbly voice) Take No Shit!

Dick: (chuckling) yeah!

Larry: Okay? That’s it. Because if you do you always fucking regret it. Always, you know –

Dick: Yeah.

Larry: - and so – so… just don’t! You know, there’s no reason to put up with it.

Dick: Don’t take any shit?

Larry: Don’t take any shit!

Dick: Your boss gives you shit you say ‘fuck you. I quit’!

Larry: Fuck you, I quit. (Starts laughing)

Dick: The bank says you gotta pay mortgage you say -

Larry: ‘Fuck you. Foreclosed’.

Dick: - ‘fuck you, bank. I don’t need this house!’ (takes an effective pause, Larry still laughing) Your parents try to help you out pay you – pay some rent you say ‘fuck you! –

Larry: Okay, sure! I’ll take that.

Dick: - fuck you.’ ‘Yeah, but you gotta start looking for a job!’ ‘You know what, mom? Fuck you!

(Larry laughing again)

Dick: - I don’t need your basement. I’m outta here!’ I like it. Great.

Larry: There’s a park bench with my name on it right there! In Santa Monica.

Dick: Alright, Larry. Thanks for – thanks for stopping by.

Larry: Thanks for having me!

Dick: Thanks for interviewing – I hope It goes well.

Larry: This has been a blast, man!

Dick: It has been a blast. Um… for – for everybody who was on the – the hangout and watching – watching this show –

Larry: Yes!

Dick: - thank you! Thank you for donating! I apologize for the crudity of the video. I apologize for the poor quality. But you’ve gotta understand – you gotta understand what happened. And this is what makes me… a rage. It is – okay. This is what happened. I – I had to go out of town suddenly last week. I might get into it next episode. But uh… I had to go out of town suddenly. And what happened was: everybody was in on the show. On The Dick Show. I put The Dick Show up –

Larry: Mm hmm.

Dick: - I worked for 24 hours getting…

(Mechanical screeching sound in the distance)

Dick: What in the hell is that?

Sean: (mistaking a clearly mechanical sound for a horse) sounds like a fucking horse!

Dick: that’s – no no. A horse get loose in the halls here…

Larry: Pegasus is here.

Dick: Yes! Uh… 24 hours. Get – I got The Dick Show up it was – so The Biggest Problem ended on a Tuesday. And it was a mad dash to get the new show going. Right?

Larry: Mm hmm.

(Mechanical sound continuing)

Dick: And I spent – like you do – I spent six days agonizing… over - we should stop for that sound, right? I think it’s just water. It’s just a pipe of water.

Sean: Yeah. No big deal.

Dick: I spent six days – yeah, no big deal. I spent six days agonizing over what to call the show.

Larry: Right.

Dick: Right? And obvi- a show like, that I ended up with, The Dick Show –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - obviously took six days to come up with.

Larry: And it was worth it. Every minute. Every minute!

Dick: It was worth it. It was worth it. So that day I’m in a mad dash. Sean and I on a mad dash to get this show up. On time, under budget, right? You know how - a show like this, a podcast like this – there’s just a million things you gotta do. Right?

Larry: Maybe twelve.

Dick: Maybe twelve. But that’s a lot. That’s way too much for a person to do.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: (getting louder and louder) In 24 hours. So I throw it up there. Boom! First episode. Bam! People are into it. Comments start pouring in, right? Patreons start pouring in. People are signing up cause they want this content, right?

(Larry chuckling)

Dick: (speaking fast and without breaks) they can’t live without Dick. They need more Dick. They wanna pay for Dick. Right? So I’m like ‘I love it! We’re gonna do something awesome with this show. We’re gonna – we’re gonna do things that we only dreamed of –

Larry: Hmm!

Dick – on the other show, right? Let’s get this fuckin thing going? Let’s get this video chat going.’ I go on Amazon. Boom! As I get pulled out of town, right? I go on Amazon. Boom! Ordering mics, ordering USB mics. Boom! Ordering cameras, ordering video cameras, right? Same day shipping. Bing, bang, boom! Got somebody coming over to the house to check it out, right? All this stuff comes in like Santa comes to my door, drops off all this equipment, right?

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: So I come back on Sunday and I’m going through all this stuff. And I’m like uh… ‘hey where’s the uh… where’s the video cameras though?’ This is great! I got pop filters, I got some mics, I got some stands, I got some tripods. I got a USB extender, but where’s the cameras? Cameras are the most important part, right? This is – this is – the people want the live feed. They wanna interact, right? They wanna see my beautiful man bun.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Where’s the video cameras? I go on Amazon. Track it – delivered.

Larry: (ominous) ooh…

Dick: (with nervousness in his voice) huh… that’s not a good sign.

Larry: Not good!

Dick: Call everybody. I call the handyman. ‘Hey, you seen anything? You seen any packages by my door, cause all the other packages are there.’ Call the building manager ‘all the other packages are there’. Call my neighbours ‘all the other packages are there’. I drill down to the actually tracking website uh… ‘OnTrac’. I put in the tracking number there and it says, you know, ‘out for delivery – delivered’ like the tracker commonly does.

Larry: Sure.

Dick: And then in the little comments on – on the delivery it says (emphasising the words) ‘left in front grass’.

Larry: (sarcastic) Oh good.

Dick: Just so everyone understands what I’m dealing with here – the level of incompetence and idiocy I’m dealing with here: my apartment… is like… a fortress. It is – it is rock-solid man. Doors are made out of iron, I got multiple fences between me and the rest of the world. Like if a zombie apocalypse –

Larry: Oh you’re outta here, man.

Dick: - I’m ready. I’m boarding up the doors –

Larry: Yeah yeah.

Dick: - and I’m getting the chicks into my apartment. And now I’m boarding that shut. And I’ll be safe forever. I’ll go up and down, you know, pilfering food and whatever. There’s a lot of dogs in my building. I’ll eat all the dogs.

(Larry bursts out laughing)

Dick: I got it all – I got it all planned out. I’ll get all coked up and go to each – every big dog, steal the dog-

Larry: Scare them out! Yeah.

Dick: - whatever means necessary. There’s a zombie apocalypse. Everything goes. Point is it’s safe. My building is very, extremely safe. Except… except… for the giant patch of grass in front of the building. That is basically sitting out on Hollywood Boulevard. So this idiot took 300 dollars of camera equipment that had to be delivered today, same day, and decided ‘well, I’m not gonna call this guy on the callbox. I’m just gonna throw it over the fence. That’s just as good. That’s - I’ve accomplished just as much to- this is what I’m getting paid for. Like, when I go to get my cheque at the end of the week I feel totally comfortable knowing that I did a good job by instead of just dialling this guy’s name on the call box, where he can ring me in from wherever,’ anywhere in the world it goes to my phone and I good ring him in and he could go up into my fortress, my parapet of an apartment and drop it at the door. He just figures ‘fuck it. I’m gonna lob it over the fence. Cause it’s the only grass there is.’

Larry: Let’s find him and garrotte him.

(Larry slowly starts giggling)

Dick: Yeah. So thanks, OnTrac. Every – everybody who saw the video – everybody who has a problem with the sound, I’m sorry. OnTrac fucked me. That’s my story. You got anything to plug, Larry?

Larry: Yeah, yeah! Get my book! ‘Mack Daddy – Mastering fatherhood without losing your style, your cool or your mind’.

Dick: Hey, you know what –

Larry: On Amazon.

Dick: That’s a good present for new fathers!

Larry: Damn right! You wanna know how to do it right and not be a wussified daddy – get that book!

Dick: Yeah! Good tip. That should have been your tip. ‘Buy my book’, right?

Larry: Buy my book, baby! Well too late.

Dick: Alright everybody. Here’s the – thank you to all the Patrons, thank you to everybody who watched the livestream. If you wanna vote for Larry Bleidner go to and –

(Dogs barking frantically outside)

Dick: Motherfucker! Just fuck it!

(Larry laughing hysterically)

Larry: Well the dogs love me, that’s clear. I think that was a Pomeranian.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: If you wanna vote for Larry Bleidner go to and tell us if he is ‘a rage’ – do you still hear that fucking dog?

(Dog still clearly audible)

Sean: Yeah.

Larry: Yeah, I love it. (Imitates a tiny dog’s barking) It’s being neutered right now. That’s the sound.

Dick: I wish it was.

Sean: (vitriolic) fucking hope so.

Dick: Alright. If you wanna vote for Larry Bleidner I –

(Dog lets out a singular bark) (Dick freezes mid-sentence, Larry and Sean both laughing)

Larry: (in a low tone) god, the fucking dogs, man.

Dick: Head to the and tell us if Larry is ‘a rage’ or not. I’m voting ‘yes’, Larry. I got a good feeling about you.

Larry: Oh, thank you.

Sean: Larry’s a rage. He’s just very subtle about it.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: (enthused) yeah! That’s the scary kind of rage.

Sean: Yeah exactly.

Dick: Like ‘No Country for Old Men’ Javier Bardem.

Larry: I mean, look at your forehead with this thing here (imitating blood pumping furiously through a vein) Thump!

Dick: Yes.

Sean: A cattle bull.

Larry: Yes.

Dick: Here’s uh… some voicemails from last week’s show.

Voicemail Caller: (in an angry voice) hey Dick, you dirty motherfucker! –

(Dick laughing quietly) Voicemail Caller – Uh… you know, all I wanna do right now since you’re basically fucking… Voldemort is, you know, shit all over Maddox for that –

Dick: Aww, don’t do that.

Voicemail Caller: - fucking horseshit. But fuck that. I’m not gonna do that. I just wanted to call in and say fucking congratulations on the first episode. You’re fucking awesome. But I wanted to throw a fucking wrench in the works for a moment. You know, Allegra was great and everything on the first episode but fuck her, fuck Boisterous Coconuts –

(Dick chuckling)

Voicemail Caller: - what about your audience as fucking co-hosts? Um… what about fucking Butt Sanchez? What about Doctor Smoothrod? What about me you… motherfucker? So I think that’s the best idea –

Dick: I like his moxy.

Larry: Jup.

Voicemail Caller: - in the fucking world. So get your fucking audience on the show, man. I know that would be creepy as fuck but that would be fucking awesome. –

Dick: Wasn’t creepy until you said it.

Voicemail Caller: - Sean, go fuck yourself!

Dick: (supressing laughter) that’s – that’s the thing with creepy. You don’t ever say it.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Like ‘I’m not trying to be creepy but…’ is not a good pick-up line.

Sean: Yeah, otherwise it’s the other person’s fault for thinking it’s creepy.

Dick: Yes. No one wants to be the one deciding it’s creepy.

Sean: Right.

Dick: When you open the door you’re letting them think it’s creepy.

Larry: Plus I think you just granted his request, didn’t you? He’s on the air.

Dick: Yeah! No, I totally wanna get these guys on the show. I wanna have a call-in show. But, you know, (enraged) clearly I couldn’t even set up a fucking video camera.

(Sean softly chuckling)

Dick: Here’s another one.

Sean: I think everybody’s gone.

Voicemail Caller: Hey Dick-O. You lost a couple of uh… man points this week. Number one –

(Sean groaning)

Voicemail Caller: - you let the chick tell you what the weather was gonna be like – just like, when you drive. –

Dick: Well… that’s true.

Voicemail Caller: Number two. You were offered a tumbler of scotch and you were grossed out by it. –

Dick: Yeah.

Voicemail Caller: - How else do you drink scotch? Anyways –

Dick: Out of a glass!

Voicemail Caller: - love the new show. Bye-bye.

Dick: Out of a gla– not a tu- like… okay.

Sean: Well a tumbler is a low wide glass, is it not?

Dick: Well I meant like… a spaghetti jar. I was speaking –

Larry: But you were already loaded at the time, right? So why –

Dick: Yes, but this woman served me, like, 12 ounces of scotch –

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: - in a spaghetti jar.

Sean: Ah, okay.

Dick: And that’s disgusting.

Larry: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that is a disgusting amount. Imagine a beer can full of scotch. You don’t wanna drink that.

Larry: No.

Dick: A shot? A single shot? Not enough. You can’t get the whole scotch experience. Can’t get it into your nose, it doesn’t fill up your head and push all your troubles away, right? You need a glass that you can sink your nose and your teeth into, right? Spaghetti jar – disgusting.

Larry: Was there, like, spaghetti and sauce mixed in there with the scotch or uh…

Dick: I wish there was –

(Larry chuckling)

Dick: - then I wouldn’t have drank it. (after a short pause) Alright, this has been Dick Masterson. See you next Tuesday.

(Outro starts playing)

Dick: On The Dick Show.


(Transcriber’s note: a big thanks to /u/amiibro on reddit for helping out a bit with the transcription of this episode. What a top bloke! Top Dickhead!)