The Dick Show

Episode 83 – Dick on Policing Language

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, MadCucks, waut3rboi, Jamie Lynn Hughes.

Transcription by u/Kim_Jong-Skill

Dick: Okay. (Sigh) Ready? Sean, it’s gonna be a good year.

Sean: I’m feeling that way.

(Dick begins to laugh)

(Theme riff)

Dick: Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You need Dick! You love Dick! You want Dick! You got it! It’s the only show where everything is a contest! Coming to you live from a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain. I’m your host, the 20 million-dollar man. The one and only 20 million-dollar man, Dick Masterson. With me as always is Sean, the audio engineer.

Sean: Happy new year, Dick.

Dick: What’s up, buddy? Happy new year.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Happy new year. It was – Sean, it was – It’s been a whole year since I’ve seen you! (Dick does an impression of a giggling schoolgirl) Heheheheheheheheh! See you next year!

Sean: Are you just trying to make that joke before somebody else does? Before you have to kill them?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: (With the aforementioned voice) Ah. See you next year!

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Hahaha! I hope not!

Sean: Remember “see you next century?”

Dick: I hope you have a fucking aneurism before then, dude! Just for that joke!

Sean: Preferable in the next 5 minutes!

Dick: And I’ll remember you forever! Dot that – I’m gonna put that on your tombstone!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That joke. See you next year!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: A guy died, so I never did.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And then I –

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I erected another tombstone for him. My own novelty tombstone, and I – here lies – and I paid more for it than his actual one.

Sean: How’s that for irony?

Dick: So – so, every – so everyone thinks that’s the real one, and it says, “Here’s his last words…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: See you next year!” And then in parentheses, it’s “and it was December 30th when he said this… What an asshole.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: In parentheses.

Sean: Really nice – like granite, or marble.

Dick: Really – ah, the finest!

Sean: Yeah. Only the finest for…

Dick: Only the finest.

Sean: … an asshole like that.

Dick: Welcome to 2018. It’s finally 2018.

Sean: What are you wearing?

Dick: What do you mean?

Sean: What’s the red thing? On your wrist?

Dick: It’s a fucking hair tie.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: You ever seen a hair tie before?

Sean: Not like that.

Dick: Excuse me, not like that. This is a man-sized hair tie. Because it’s so big?

Sean: I dunno, it’s just that…

Dick: It’s an elastic hair tie.

Sean: I’m used to seeing them a little, you know…

Dick: Not used to seeing one on a man?

Sean: Foofier.

Dick: Oh yeah.

Sean: I dunno.

Dick: No, no. Look, if you fuck up hair ties. Since having long hair, I’ve had a lifetime of chick hair learning to do, and a couple years.

Sean: Yeah, true.

Dick: And, chicks are not – they don’t – It’s not like – it’s no like if you want to learn about a car or a gun, where you just go outside your house, and then you whisper, “What’s the best kind of gun for home self-defense?” and then you’ll have 5-million assholes in camo – khaki shorts with 20 pockets, and hunting knives, and 2 knives on them at the same time…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: All shouting at you about shooting for center mass, and stopping power, and the 10mm Glock and how it was – and how the 10mm is the best gun, but then the FBI instituted it, and the women FBI members couldn’t handle the recoil, so they nerfed the bullets. They put less gunpowder in the bullets so they ruined the weapon, and that’s all – this is – it’s not like that with long hair.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: With long hair, you could be sitting in a room full of women – room full of women who’ve had long hair their whole lives, and you say, “God, my hair sure is frizzy and full of knots.” You will not get one suggestion on how to fix that.

Sean: Really?

Dick: You’ll get, “oh…”

Sean: Is it because there’s so many different suggestions? Or…

Dick: There’s absolutely none.

Sean: Oh, there’s… There’s truly none.

Dick: It’s the glass ceiling.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Because you go in there, offering a problem, you get no… So I’ve had to figure this shit out on my own.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And one of them is that these elastic hair ties are – they fuck your hair up less.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. Sorry it’s become a distraction.

Sean: Oh, I had to know.

Dick: Ah, anyway! 2018! Weed is legal!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed in Californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa is totally legal!

Sean: Mhm. Mhm.

Dick: Unrenounced! I’m going straight after this how! Because I’m not hung over at all! Straight to a dispensary. And I’m gonna be like Santa Claus of weed walking out of there.

Sean: They’ll probably be open too, huh?

Dick: Well they’re – they gotta be open! They gotta be ready to rake in those sales, man!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, let’s see. New year, what makes me a rage about the new year? Uh, I got some predictions. I got some predictions for 2018. Um. We’ve got a – we’ve got a fresh round of waut3rgate leaks. Maddox has blessed us with a fresh heaping pile of leaks…

Sean: Yeah, I, uh…

Dick: … In the form of chat transcripts from a completely insane person.

Sean: Yeah, I heard a little bit about that.

Dick: Did you?...

Sean: Ready to unpack this. Yeah, that’s it. Should be… is this recent? Or is this uh…

Dick: I don’t know, I think it’s from last March, but oh my god, is it insane.

Sean: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Dick: Oh my god is it insane.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, criminal psychology is all the rage now. With that mind hunter show. Mind hunter.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Figuring out the mind of a – of a – of a complete fucking weirdo.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Every word! It’s so dense. Every word is packed with pathology.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: We’re gonna unpack it. It’s fucking nuts. MadCucks gonna call in. I don’t think – I don’t think waut3rboi got the message. I asked him to call in and read his half, but I don’t think he got it. Uh, let me see here. New Years. You got any New Year’s resolutions?

Sean: Uh… No, I don’t do those. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions.

Dick: Why not?

Sean: Because, if it’s that important, you’ll just do it.

Dick: No.

Sean: You just need… I will never… I will never subscribe to the New Year’s resolution thing. I see no point.

Dick: You need to do it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Or we’re going to put you on an ice float and send you out to sea.

Sean: Well that’s…

Dick: You need to say…

Sean: Ultimately that’s what I want.

Dick: Sean, no.

Sean: So that’s – I’m fine.

Dick: You need to have one to be a part of the society…

Sean: eh…

Dick: …That we have. Okay? Because it’s hard. Life’s hard. And it culminates in a season that wrings the blood out of your stones.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: In the forms of tolerance and gifts, so such that you have none left. You have nothing left but fumes to lurch over the ling, just to throw up because you’re so hung over on January One, which is today.

Sean: Hold on. I’m sorry, I have to fucking take this. How unprofessional is this?

Dick: You have to take a phone call in the middle of the show?

Sean: I do. I swear to god I do.

Dick: Why?

Sean: Because it’s fucking somebody trying to deliver something.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: So obviously…

Dick: So, I’m going to take a fucking phone call…

Sean: Sorry! Sorry! So, 2018’s starting out great?

Dick: What the hell is that a delivery for?

Sean: It’s… Fuckin’…

Dick: A box of Zingers?

Sean: Yeah! A box of zingers. Sorry, asshole move. I’m done.

Dick: Uh… V-neck tops?

Sean: V-neck tops, yes.

Dick: Wait, who calls to deliver something?

Sean: The delivery… Uh… The, uh, courier.

Dick: Well what are they delivering?

Sean: They’re delivering…

Dick: Are you going to sue somebody?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah?

Sean: Actually, I am, yeah.

Dick: A wedding cake?

Sean: I’m using your name, but…

Dick: Is that what you’re getting delivered? Something special?

Sean: Uh, yeah. A wedding cake.

Dick: Yeah? 2018.

Sean: 2018. Sorry.

Dick: Maybe you should resolve to – to…

Sean: Yeah, do my business before the podcast, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, your personal issues, you should take care of them before your business issues.

Sean: Well this is…

Dick: That should be a resolution for you.

Sean: … Or after. This is, uh, this is uh… It’s definitely gonna ruin my personal reputation.

Dick: What, why?

Sean: Professional reputation is…

Dick: What is?

Sean: No, no, no. I’m just saying. Because it’s, you know.

Dick: Your delivery is?

Sean: Because I’m not taking care of my personal things.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: Before. Or after business.

Dick: I have a resolution for 2018.

Sean: You do? So, you do the resolutions?

Dick: Yes dude. You have to!

Sean: What? Just to be – so you can infiltrate all the assholes who do that, and then…

Dick: (interjects) No, because…

Sean: … You can make fun of them from the inside out.

Dick: Because every year, I’m getting worse and sloppier.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That’s how you – every year, you get a little fatter…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And dumber.

Sean: It’s terrible.

Dick: And you start clinging harder to the things that you were successful in the past. You have to.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You gotta start over.

Sean: All true.

Dick: I’m… 2018. I’m going to be more fuckable.

Sean: Oh! Okay.

Dick: Starting with losing about 20 pounds.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Starting there.

Sean: Did you eat yourself fatter over the holidays?

Dick: I drank, and I ate myself fatter, and I thought myself fatter.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Usually, when I’m laying in bed, I think myself skinnier…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: … and that works. But not this time. I just thought about being fat as hell. I thought about being like Baloo, in The Jungle Book. How fun it would be to float around, with a…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: … With a 10-year-old boy, floating… On my stomach, spitting water in the air.

Sean: Oh boy, that’s…

Dick: Singing songs.

Sean: Watch out, there’s gonna be some kind of video coming.

Dick: I got fat as hell thinking about that. That’s the theme of 2018!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Be more fuckable!

Sean: Okay.

Dick: No matter who you are, learn some jokes… for Tinder!

Sean: (loudly) Mhm!

Dick: … This year.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Get… Get… Do one exercise correctly. Add a new exercise to the mix!

Sean: Yeah. Change it up.

Dick: That’s what you’re gonna do!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Be more of a prick at work! Nobody ever said “God, I was too much of a prick today at work.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Nobody ever said that. It’s always “Everyone was a real prick to me at work.”

Sean: (Extatically) Yeah!

Dick: Turn it around on them!

Sean: You should be the prick.

Dick: You be the prick at work! You could do it! This is the year to do it.

Sean: Yeah. 2018, year of the prick.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, let’s see. I think, um… I had a dream that I went to jail over the lawsuit.

Sean: Really?

Dick: That might happen in 2018.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Uh, I think Maddox is gonna kill me… In 2018.

Sean: You think that’s a… That’s a prediction?

Dick: Yeah. I think, uh… Yeah.

Sean: Well, I mean… Yeah.

Dick: I think MadCucks is gonna turn serious.

Sean: How far does he go? Uh, MadCucks is gonna turn serious?

Dick: Yeah. He’s gonna get little spectacles on.

Sean: He’s gonna go legit!

Dick: And get like serious talks. He’s gonna go legit. Finally, as MadCucks

Sean: Yeah, that’s unfortunate.

Dick: Uh… And it’ll be the year of the Dickels.

Sean: Oh, okay!

Dick: I’ve also created Dickels, a cryptocurrency.

Sean: You have?

Dick: I did.

Sean: They’re official?

Dick: Yeah, I created them.

Sean: Those are really cool.

Dick: They exist.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They exist for real.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: As a cryptocurrency

Dick: Yeah. As a cryptocurrency. I just gotta figure out a way to give them to people. I made them.

Sean: Cool.

Dick: They exist. I was gonna figure it out by now but didn’t.

Sean: What’s the exchange rate with, uh, MadBux? Is that a thing?

Dick: Um… 100 percent.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Yeah. Whatever you want. Whatever you want it to be. Alright. (The audio gets louder for an unknown reason) Um, parades make me a rage.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Rose parade was on… today?

Sean: I always root for it to just have shitty… Like, unseasonable rain. And sometimes it does, and then shit breaks down. It’s the only reason to watch any of it.

Dick: Like a Nascar event?

Sean: Yeah!

Dick: There is no – there is literally no reason for a man to watch the rose parade…

Sean: (interjects) Fuck no!

Dick: … event. I don’t understand what the draw is about it at all. It seems to be an event for horse people…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Wearing human suits to pretend to be humans about.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Look at this… Look at this float. (Dick laughs like a schoolgirl) Hehehehe. (Dick laughs like a schoolgirl who is also a horse) Heh-heh-heh-heh!

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Neighing as they point out, “Oh! Look at these – look at these – I want – I want one, like, Simon Cowell commentator on the rose parade crowd, to just… They don’t even have to acknowledge him!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Just a guy wearing track pants, and like, a Georgetown hoodie, going totally sarcastic. Like, the most sarcastic, that they can’t even tell he’s being sarcastic.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “Oh! Look at this – look at these fucking giggling – Look at these giggling cactuses over here! Somebody spent 6… Somebody wasted 6 weeks of their lives, and 300 thousand dollars…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: On flowers, making this abomination of a float.” That we’re now – we’re all giggling at. Ready everybody? 1, 2, 3, (Dick laughs, as if he had just contracted autism) Heheheheh! Wasting millions of dollars on bullshit.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Not one interesting thing to look at! Not even one!

Sean: No.

Dick: (Dick begins to yell) Not even fucking one thing! I mean no men have to watch it! Because we’re – They always sneak the parades in when we’re hungover as hell or stuck sitting watching something else!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Oh, Thanksgiving! We’re gonna sneak this shit in before the football games! Fuck!!

Sean: Did, uh… Did you ever go sleep on the sidewalk?

Dick: Oh, fuck no!

Sean: Okay, good.

Dick: Fuck no, and I used to live – I used to live in Pasadena, right on the parade route.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Dude, these fucking morons would sleep on the street, and low and behold, they forgot that they didn’t have enough urinals, so chicks would be running down the street by my apartment, hiding in the bushes and pissing

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Like, this is what – this is what you’re willing to do to watch a bunch of fucking flowers in stupid configurations going down the street?

Sean: I don’t know why, but, it seemed that right around high school, at the time I graduated out of high school, I would have people… Well, it was always a chick’s idea, but it was like, “Hey! Let’s go spend the night down on the sidewalk, and…”

Dick: (interjects) Let’s go pretend to be homeless!

Sean: Yeah! And I – Like, it never – never once did I even consider it!

Dick: No!

Sean: This sounds like the stupidest thing on earth to me. Because they’re all stupid…

Dick: They can’t even put in one thing that’s worth… Like, “hey, it’s time for…” A little like a tithing. You know? Like a tithing! We put in – you know what? (Dick begins yelling again) We negotiate for you guys! We put in fucking pop acts during the Super Bowl that guys don’t want to watch! I don’t want to watch that shit! It’s for chicks. If the super bowl – If the Super Bowl was all men, the half-time show would be an arm wrestling contest.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But it’s not!

Sean: Right.

Dick: It’s like, “Here comes Bruno Mars!” And some shit that nobody fucking cares about! Nobody with a T-count over 2 gives a shit about this half-time show! How about we get a couple floats for us? For the guys?

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Here’s a float of huge tits coming by!

Sean: Hmm!

Dick: We all hate it! We all hate it, but it’s here every year. We all know… And then 10 floats later, the gigantic asses float.

Sean: Mmm!

Dick: Here comes the Schwarzenegger float! We see terminators – We see guys dressed as terminator 1…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Terminator 2. Oh, we see a kindergarten cop.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: There’s a… There’s Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins. Oh, look at that! There’s a little Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: So, great. Now next float! Now we get to the stupid grinning cactuses again!

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I hate it.

Sean: Yeah, it’s garbage.

Dick: Here comes a float about America, it’s great. Because it’s fun.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: It’s fun to be proud of America.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: We’re not really serious. America’s the best.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: (Dick begins yelling again) JUST PUT IT OUT THERE!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: ONE FLOAT! ONE FLOAT FOR ME! That’s all I want! Never will happen.

Sean: Mmm.

Dick: Let’s see…

Sean: It’s not for you.

Dick: I got, uh, what else makes me a rage? Shitty loading spinners.

Sean: Mmm.

Dick: You know what I’m talking about?

Sean: On a computer?

Dick: Yeah, man.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: You can’t underestimate the value of a nice, smooth looking loading spinner.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: When you get on – when you get like a comment of something loading…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: On like Reddit. Or your phone. And you get that nice, fluid loading spinner. It’s going around, and it’s like, “Oh yeah, it looks like an actual thing that’s going around.

Sean: Yeah, it gives you a sense of confidence.

Dick: It does.

Sean: Everything’s going to go okay.

Dick: And it sets – it puts you at ease.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: You’re like, “Hmm. That’s a… I believe in the illusion… I believe that is magic.” Seamlessly – It’s like a smooth animation, it makes you feel calm, while you’re waiting for things to load. You almost forget that things are loading. You look at that thing going, “How do you think that thing’s so fluid? It just goes around…

Sean: Yeah. It’s like you’re already using it.

Dick: Then, it gets replaced with a crappy, shitty wheel that totally misses the spinning mark…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Where it’s obviously a little wheel that’s spinning around. No magic at all. You can see the frame-by-frame spinning around. This is a complete – This is a complete fucking nightmare!

Sean: Back to 8-bit video games.

Dick: Yeah, why’d they even put it here?

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: They just say “loading.”

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: This is doing nothing for me!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: This little – little crappy wheel, that is just obviously rotating. I don’t know if it’s rotating too fast, or too much. It’s like in cartoons, when they have that frame where someone’s like falling in a bunch of manure, or apples, or something, and some of them are a different color than the other ones. You think, “Oh, those are the ones that are gonna move.”

Sean: Mmm.

Dick: I’m suddenly very aware that I’m watching a cartoon.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: You totally fucking ruined it.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I might as well stop watching.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It’s very annoying.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: (Dick begins yelling) It’s a simple thing to get right! You never thought about it when watching cartoons?

Sean: No, not like… I never caught that, really.

Dick: When it’s like, a bunch of piles, and then one pile’s a totally different color, and you’re like, “Give me a fucking break, I know that…

Sean: I’m gonna be looking for it now.

Dick: You’re totally ruining the joke.”

Sean: Yeah. Hmm.

Dick: Don’t look for it, because it ruins all cartoons… For you.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Let me see what else makes me a rage here. Reddit replaced their, uh… They updated their app…

Sean: Oh, I see.

Dick: And their loader looks like garbage now.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And it’s always there. Probably never gonna fix it.

Sean: No. They probably won’t

Dick: It’s so satisfying to see a nice, smooth loader.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Uh, let’s see here. Oh, I got some… I figured out what’s wrong with cops.

Sean: You did? You solved this?

Dick: Yeah, I actually have stats on this too.

Sean: (Orgasmically) Ooh!

Dick: That shit. I looked it up. I had a theory…

Sean: I’m gonna need a moment.

Dick: And I looked up supporting evidence and studies.

Sean: Ooh. Not sure I’m okay with this.

Dick: That guy in Wichita got shot, right? There was a swatting. Did you hear about this?

Sean: Yeah, I actually didn’t read about it.

Dick: 2 kids are playing a video game.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: They get in an argument, over like a bet of a dollar. And the one kid goes, “Alright. I’m gonna, uh… I’m gonna SWAT your ass…

Sean: Okay?...

Dick: … I’m gonna call the cops, and tell them – make up this ridiculous story about, like, I’ve locked… I’m gonna call the cops, pretending to be you, and say that I’ve locked my family in the closet, and IU shot them, and I’m doing all sorts of horrible things.” Right? Like, I’m committing all crimes at the same time.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: I’m recording an NFL game, I ripped all the tags off the mattresses.

Sean: There’s actually a term for this kinda shit?

Dick: I’m screwing in 20-year-old light bulbs, not the squiggly kind. I have a horde of old light bulbs that I’m screwing in and using.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I’m smoking – I’m growing a bunch of weed…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: … Outside. And I locked my family in the closet, and I’m gonna burn the whole house down. There’s a term for this, called “swatting.”

Sean: That’s amazing.

Dick: Yeah, somebody figured out that…

Sean: That means people do this?

Dick: All the time.

Sean: Routinely?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It means, like, if you’re a cops, you should be expecting it. Right, I know everybody hates that word.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “Expecting” now, is like a bad word. Can’t say that anymore.

Sean: No, because…

Dick: I’m victim blaming the police now!

Sean: Yeah, I know.

Dick: Saying that they should expect this kind of behavior. They should expect that they might be being used as a fucking prank.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because they’re so monumentally, uh, disproportionally powered for their function.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: So, they show up, acting like Die Hard.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And, usually, they just cause a massive delay in somebody’s life.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: They’ll show up there, hup-hup-hup, and smash shit, and look shit, and take shit apart.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And just be like, “Nobody wants… Nobody wants 20 amped up policemen on their property. Nobody wants police on their property ever, unless you’re a small business.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Right.

Dick: So, this is what they do. Uh, cops showed up. Enacting the prank, the kid calls the police, and says he’s the other kid, gives him the address, but he gives them the wrong address.

Sean: Oh, fucking hell.

Dick: Not knowing, right?

Sean: How old are these kids?

Dick: I dunno.

Sean: Doesn’t matter.

Dick: So, the cops show up to the wrong house, and execute somebody.

Sean: Jesus! What the fuck?

Dick: Guy’s sitting at home!

Sean: Right.

Dick: Right? In America.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Let’s assume he’s completely shitfaced.

Sean: Sure.

Dick: This is the assumption you can make. You have absolutely no ability to respond – let’s say – assume the worst! Right?

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Assume the fucking worst!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Because he’s just a guy, sitting there, in his house…

Sean: Minding his own business?

Dick: Minding his own business. Maybe he’s drunk as hell. Maybe he’s had a bad day. Maybe he’s not in the mood to follow instructions.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right, we’re just showing up.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: For no fucking reason.

Sean: He knows he didn’t do shit.

Dick: Guns blazing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Could be anybody. And, that didn’t make me a rage. Because it happens all the time.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: You know? This is what we built. By giving dudes all these weapons, and then turning them loose in the city.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: This is guaranteed to happen, as long as that exists. But what did make me a rage about it, was the police chief’s response.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: I have it here. Um, he says “the irresponsible acts of a prankster put peoples’ lives at risk. The incident…” That’s where I start, like, (dick makes a clicking sound)

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “The incident…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: … is a nightmare for everyone involved. (Dick begins clicking like a Ugandan tribe.)

(Sean laughs)

It’s like, (even more clicking sounds,) It’s like a jack in the box.

Sean: But it’s – not all nightmares are created equal.

Dick: It’s something about the way that they talk, that’s like winding up the fucking jack in the box.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: And not everybody does it, but every time cops talk, it has that effect on me, because it’s like – it’s like – it’s like fighting – it’s like fighting with a family member or – you’re like, “just admit what happened! Stop using words that don’t mean anything.” The incident, like, (Dick makes even more clicking sounds.) Ah man, it’s not an incident…

Sean: (interjects) It’s politician speak.

Dick: “If the false police call had not been made, we would not have been there.” Okay.

Sean: Okay, well, file that under the “no shit” clause.

Dick: “A male came to the front door. As he came to the front door,” Thefront door, not… It’s his.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So, it’s like, every…

Sean: Depersonalization.

Dick: Yeah! It’s the depersonalized speak that these guys run in every single – “one of our officers discharged his weapon.”

Sean: Yeah. Shot at, he died.

Dick: He shot a guy!

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Say he shot a guy!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Say it!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Call Marsellus Wallace a bitch!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, just say what you fucking did!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It’s not this “one of our officers discharged a weapon.”

Sean: Almost sounds like the gun could have done it itself.


Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And this is my theory: If you talk like this, I think it changes your fucking brain, so you think like this.

Sean: I’m sure that it does.

Dick: Like, I am such a fucking asshole, like, in every personal relationship I have, whenever I hear the word “couldn’t,” I always get that (Dick makes some more clicking sounds) It’s like, if you say you couldn’t one more time…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because it’s wouldn’t! And every time you say “couldn’t,” I know that you’re convincing yourself that you actually couldn’t. I fucking know it!

Sean: Yeah, it’s wouldn’t or didn’t if you’re talking past tense,

Dick: Didn’t!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Wouldn’t or didn’t! There’s no couldn’t!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You couldn’t be on the moon today.

Sean: Yeah, there are…

Dick: You couldn’t help me move!

Sean: There are…

Dick: You didn’t!

Sean: There are very few things that you couldn’t have done.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: If you know, within the scope of reason.

Dick: I couldn’t pass off as less than 200 pounds.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Couldn’t do that!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I wouldn’t elect to be less than 200 pounds!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Couldn’t possibly pass myself off as that!

Sean: Yeah. Uh, yeah. That’s…

Dick: Couldn’t stop sweating today!

Sean: Eh…

Dick: Couldn’t help but celebrating! I couldn’t help getting too drunk at a Primus show on New Year’s Eve Eve, such that I was in bed all day. Couldn’t help it!

Sean: Oh, is that what happened?

Dick: Yeah. I got – I didn’t…

Sean: Oh, you pre-partied.

Dick: No, a dickhead by the name of, uh, SticklerMeseeks heard me talking about Primus on air, so he bought me a ticket for the primus show on the 30th, and he was like, I don’t know if you’re serious, come on out.

Sean: Where were they?

Dick: Wiltern. The same theater I got in a fight at the trailer park boys show.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It was cool. There was another dickhead there.

Sean: No shit.

Dick: Um… I think I did… I tried to get – another dickhead was there. Um, by the name of Kevin, and he had a girl show up, and I tried my fucking ass off to get him laid.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They’re just out? They’re not like together, (Sean begins to incoherently mumble.)

Dick: He was attempting a, uh… I think he was attempting to evolve his Pokémon, if you know what I’m talking about.

Sean: Um, yeah.

Dick: I think that was a friend situation.

Sean: Gotcha. So, he hired America’s wingman?

Dick: Yeah. Basically. And I showed up, uh… I think I did – dude, I got a good Dick tip out of it too.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Because young – I found like a secret kryptonite shortcut for 20-year-old chicks.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Early 20-year-old chicks. And that is busting, like – one, if you can get chicks worked up, like, indignant…

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: That’s a good – that’s a good, like, change of emotion.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: You know? Because they’re all just like a big painter’s palette of emotional states, right? And as soon as you go from stable—nothing happens when everything is stable.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: So, if you up the emotions in any situation, as long as the emotional state is similar to what you’re going for, there’s a chance that it will become that.

Sean: Passion in one way or another.

Dick: Yes, exactly!

Sean: Yeah, as opposed to apathy as the enemy of any of that.

Dick: Yeah. Like, you can’t reason a chick into wanting to have sex with you. She’s gotta be excited in some way.

Sean: You’ve gotta make a bunch of pro-Trump comments, and…

Dick: Something!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Something.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: So I dropped the, um… I dropped, like, a, um… A beginner red pill on her, which is men and women can’t be friends. She was talking about wanting to be friends with her ex…

Sean: Hmm!

 Dick: …and I was like “that’s not possible.”

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Men and women can’t be friends. In fact, your boy here can’t – is not your friend either. He definitely wants to fuck you. And she was like…

Sean: Yeah.


Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And like, alright. There you go. Have fun with that…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: … My man.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I hope – I hope it didn’t fuck up your…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: … thing, but also, this is – the only way forward is through!

Sean: Yeah, well, you’re gonna – yeah. You just, uh, moved the, uh, finish line miles, miles forward. You know, I mean, sooner.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Because it’s like you gotta…

Dick: (interjects) I changed the game!

Sean: You gotta come to that conclusion.

Dick: Yeah. Anyway, um… What was I talking about? Oh, the cops.

Sean: Oh, the cops, yes?

Dick: The cops thing. We discharged our weapons.

Sean: Right.

Dick: And a projectile happened to fly out of them, and it landed in a human man.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Whose life function was…

Sean: Terminated.

Dick: Um… Altered.

Sean: Altered. (Sean laughs) Yeah, that’s better.

Dick: In a way that was, uh…

Sean: Incompatible.

Dick: Incompatible with his values.

Sean: Yes! Yes!

Dick: And every time they talk like that, it drives me insane.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I know that they are brainwashing themselves…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: into not treating us like human beings.

Sean: Well…

Dick: Anymore.

Sean: Well, how do you… How do you justify it to yourself? You know what I mean? Like, you gotta rationalize it somehow.

Dick: Yeah. Well, um… (Dick has a stroke) We gotta discharge our ordinance. Like, I’ve heard military guys talk about discharging ordinance, and I’m like, “Yeah! I know why you guys call it that!”

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Because, like… You can’t call it… If you call it what it is, you’re gonna… Turn it into your brain into what it is? [sic]

Sean: Yeah, as opposed to, like, “I have to shoot somebody’s son.”

Dick: Yeah! Oh, that’s not policy? To call it that? IT’s A LOT FUCKING HARDER!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, so I looked up a – I looked up some science on this.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I wanted to see if there was any validity to this idea I have.

Sean: I’m sure there is.

Dick: The entire reason why this is happening is because of the way they talk.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: If they told them to stop talking like that, it would happen less.

Sean: You used to – you used to – you used to be encouraged to go up and like, talk to cops, and they were encouraged to talk to you, and build up some sort of repour.

Dick: Yeah man! When we were – we went to England a long time ago. I was dating – you know who I was dating.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: The British girl. We went there, Sean and I went there. And it was a dream of mine. What was I, mid 20’s?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: 25, maybe.

Sean: Yeah. Something like that, yeah.

Dick: And, uh, at the time, um, it was a dream of mine to drink in a zoo.

Sean: That’s right! We went to the London zoo! With big cans of John Smith!

Dick: John Smith.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Great beer. We ended up drinking a whole keg of that together in Amsterdam. We had a whole keg by ourselves.

Sean: Yeah, it’s got a uh… It’s got like a…

Dick: Magnet.

Sean: A magnet! Exactly.

Dick: Because it’s full of iron, for strength.

Sean: Yes! Yes. Yes, yes.

Dick: Sean and I, and this girl, um… Were getting ready to go to the zoo, and she said, “You can have absolute…” Because I said, “Wouldn’t it be great if you could drink at the zoo?” And I was off on one of my – at the time, I would rant a lot about these minor things that would upset me in my 20’s.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I said, “wouldn’t it be great if we could just drink at the zoo. Like, if we could be adults, and just have a couple beers at the zoo.” She said, “oh, you can absolutely do that.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It’s like a British voice that she said, “Oh, you could absolutely do that.”

Sean: Right.

Dick: (Dick does an Australian accent) “Oi! You could absolutely do that!”

Sean: Right, talked just like that.

Dick: Um…

Sean: Or Philly.

Dick: And I said, “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. If you go up to a cop and they tell you that I can do this, then I’ll do it.”

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: So she said okay. So we walked over to a cop. She says, “Hey, these guys aren’t from here, this guy wants to know if he can drink beer in the zoo.” And the cop goes “Well you’re not going to do anything weird, are you?...

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: … You’re not going to do anything funny.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Well, I mean, no. And he’s like, “Yeah. That’s fine.”

Sean: And you’re like instantly – he was very reasonable about it. So you’re like, you know what? I won’t jump into a cage!

Dick: Yeah!

Sean: I was gonna!

Dick: I was just gonna drink this beer!

Sean: Yeah!

Dick: I don’t want to do anything weird anymore!

Sean: It’s a social contract!

Dick: I did. But don’t talk like that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Here, I would expect to walk up to a cop and say, “hey, could I drink a beer here,” and he’s like, “Well, uh. Effectively… Uh, we are… We are currently endeavoring to limit the amount of alcoholic consumption on the premises by humanoid individuals…

Sean: Yup.

Dick: … So we would kindly request…” Dude, you are not talking – you are not conducting a science experiment. You’re talking to a fucking person.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, so I looked up the science to back up what I’m saying.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And I found a Ted Talk, how’s that for irony?

Sean: Mhmmm.

Dick: Where the guy says that languages that have no future in them. So, a language is build that such it… Uh, you use a lot of words that clearly delineate a future tense, and a present tense.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: And they vary, you know?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, some languages are heavily gendered. Like Spanish.

Sean: Sure.

Dick: But similarly, some languages are heavily tense… Like future…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Future specific, present specific.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Uh, they found – the guy found that a language where you have to say – that has a strong relationship to the future, there’s a strong distinction between the present and the future. People that refer to the future a lot don’t plan for it, so they have less savings, they smoke more, they retire with less wealth. They practice more unsafe sex and are more obese.

Sean: Fascinating.

Dick: Surprisingly, the effect persists even after controlling for speakers’ education, income, family structure, and religion.

Sean: Ah, I was going to ask. Because humans have a lots of variables. But if you control for a lot of those, that bolsters your case.

Dick: So, talking constantly referencing the future in the way you speak means it’s like a far-off thing, and it’s not you.

Sean: Yeah, you keep shoving it – I can relate to that.,

Dick: Shoving it off.

Sean: Yeah, you keep pushing it down the road. Oh yeah, that’s them. Things will be different then. You can really fall into that. It’s like, “No. But, like, then is now. And then is actually in the past now.”

Dick: They’re both you! They’re both you!

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.

Dick: So language is – I think he was saying the Chinese um… Here it is. 30 percent more likely to have saved money. 20 percent increase in a future tense in a language is related to a 1 percent decrease in the GDP that’s saved. I dunno, it’s a Ted Talk, so it’s just a guy talking in front of a camera, I don’t fucking know. Um, blame. It also relates to blame. In English, we say that someone broke a vase, even if it was an accident. In Spanish and Japanese, you just say that the vase broke itself.

Sean: Oh. Yeah, okay.

Dick: So, like, it’s not like, “Who deleted the episode?” It’s “The episode was deleted.”

Sean: I like this

Dick: Yeah. So, here’s another stats for you. Um, let me see here. So, because to that, in languages where you assign blame, in English, people are more likely to remember who accidentally did shit.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Because of the way it was phrased. I’m telling you, the way that cops talk, like you’re not a fucking human…

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It what’s causing this shit. It’s absolutely what’s causing this shit.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And we’re at a point where these solutions have to be more than just rules.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it’s gotta be this – and I’ll tell you this. I don’t think its their fault. Because they can’t just fucking speak their mind anymore, because its racist!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they can’t just… Go ahead.

Sean: No, I was just gonna say, some more specifics… The guy came to the door, did they give anything like, “He had what…” At least lie and say, “It looked like he was brandishing a weapon.”

Dick: That’s fine, it’s HIS FUCKING HOUSE!

Sean: Yeah. No, no, no! But I mean, was there any additional specifics?

Dick: No. Not in this statement.

Sean: He came to the door, and an officer discharged his weapon?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Uh, that’s what I think about that anyway. Kinda serious.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Serious topic, but man, man, man, man. God, we gotta do something about it. Um, let me see. Weasel words, I guess we’ll call it. If you had to vote on it, I’d call it weasel words.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: I guess there’s stuff on gender too. Uh, showering in not my shower has also made me a rage.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Everybody went home for the holidays, I assume?

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: They had to shower in what your family and friends would not make a homeless person shower in.

Sean: Ah. The one they don’t use?

Dick: Yeah, the one they don’t use. Unisex soap.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: The slivers of soap.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Like (Dick has another stroke) Soap that’s actually dirty when you use it. It’s all white and craggily like the surface of the moon. And it takes you like 10 minutes to work up a lather.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And that’s just to jerk off. You have to clean yourself. You worked… You can’t even do it.

Sean: Yeah. You gotta block out an entire afternoon.

Dick: You’ve got a shower curtain clinging to you.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Like a wraith.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Like a ghost. Every time you move, in the little pre-fab shower that they’ve got cooked up for guests. God forbid you use their shower!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Where the stench of a wet man will hit you immediately.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Guest showers.

Sean: Yeah… Yeah. Uh.

Dick: Towels that haven’t been used in 10 years.

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: The Shroud of Turin they give you for a towel.

Sean: Nice.

Dick: Here you go. Here’s some cheese – can I get a towel in the guest bathroom to go along with my, um… 2 teaspoons of travel size fucking toothpaste that smells like cigarettes, because I didn’t know toothpaste goes bad after like 10 years? Can I get a towel? Yeah, sure. Here’s some cheese cloth.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Why don’t you just dab yourself dry with this?

Sean: The imprint of Christ, thank you.

Dick: Thanks a lot.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Thanks a lot. See you next year.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Um. That’s what made me a rage. Let me see… I got MadCucks on the line.

Sean:” You do?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Is he serious?

Dick: No, he’s not serious.

Sean: I don’t’ want to talk to him if he’s serious.

Dick: Hey Madcucks, you there?

Madcucks: Hey, what’s’ up buddy?

Dick: Hey, what’s up man. Do you wanna… Do you wanna unpack this, um… This waut3rgate leaks?

Madcucks: Uh, yeah. I mean, I guess’ I kinda have to.

Dick: Yeah. I’m looking… Does anyone know where waut3rboi is? It’s kinda late notice, but… Let me see if I can find him. Anything make you a rage over the holidays, Sean?

Sean: Uh, actually, I went out of town, uh, for a week. Which is why we did like 3 podcasts in a week.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Before we left. It felt like a lot. Now, it feels like we haven’t recorded in forever.

Madcucks: You know, pre-recorded podcasts. That – that’s’ real terrible’.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: (laughing) Does that make you a rage?

Madcucks: Yeah. I me’an, everybody can tell when you record a podca’st too early. You know, they listen – before they even listen, they’re like “Yeah, this is a shit podcast. Delete, unsubscribe.”

(Sean laughs)

Dick: He’s referencing the leaks. Maddox blames my – Maddox blamed my burning man – going to burning man and having to pre-record shows as a reason why the podcast lost so many listeners.

Sean: Oh, he, um… He wouldn’t let – that was a real sticking point for him for some reason. At least he talked about it if it was.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: HE mentioned that a lot.

Dick: Yeah, but uh, he fails – well, we’ll talk about it later. I want top see if waut3rboi’s’ here.

Sean: Well, yeah. My rage was actually coming back to LA, and coming home from the airport, and feeling the appall of failure, weigh down upon the City of LA. I actually felt it. I actually started feeling shitty on the ride home from the airport. After having a really like fun relaxing week. Hanging out with the nieces, doing all that kinda stuff. And my mood immediately sunk after being in the Uber for about 10 minutes.

Dick: Welcome home.

Sean: Yeah. And I just realized – I just realized that I think most people in this city are just doing life wrong. Because it’s such a – it’s such an expensive and poor life experience.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: In Los Angeles overall.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Sean: It really – it was really shocking how palpable that was to me. So there.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, fuck. I can’t get ahold of him.

Madcucks: Well I tweeted and messaged him on Twitter, but… But, I mean, it is’ what it is.

Dick: It is what it is. Alright, do you want to give hum, uh, give him like 2 minutes?

Sean: Could he be in the midst of a bird attack?

Madcucks: He’s’ probably packing up some birds.

Dick: Oh wait! No, there he is! Uh, okay. Help. There he is!

Sean: I hope there are Birds in the background.

Dick: There he is! Alright, waut3rboi, welcome to the show.

Waut3rboi: Holy fucking shit. I totally missed my alarm. Um…

Dick: You missed your alarm at 2PM?

Waut3rboi: No. MY alarm… I have an alarm for uh…

Sean: It’s Clegg.

Waut3rboi: Something on The Dick Show. I’ve been playing Max Payne, and I missed it.

Dick: Oh, okay. You weren’t sleeping.

Waut3rboi: Yeah. And I’ve upgraded from my, uh… birds, by the way. I moved into an apartment now. I have cats.

Dick: You have cats now?

Sean: Right.

Waut3rboi: I have 5 cats, and I’m deathly allergic.

MadCucks: Did you eat all the birds?

Waut3rboi: Yeah, no. There’s no birds. I’m out of that house.

Dick: You’re deathly allergic to cats?

Waut3rboi: Yes.

Dick: Why do you have 5 cats then?

Waut3rboi: They’re cute. I also like my fiancée.

Dick: (Excitedly) Oh! You got engaged?

Waut3rboi: Yes.

Dick: Ah! Congratulations!

Waut3rboi: Hehehe. Okay. I’m all over the place right now.

Sean: Wait… Is it – 5 cats… This begs a lot of questions.

Dick: You got engaged to a crazy cat lady?

Waut3rboi: Yes, I did.

Dick: Did you get engaged to a bunch of cats wearing a human suit?

Waut3rboi: No.

Sean: Please tell me that they’re gonna be, like, ring bearers and stuff. And I want to see pics.

Dick: So are you like – while you’re doing music now, do you just like have 5 cats purring and fucking wiggling and getting their fucking snot all over you now, or what?

Waut3rboi: No. The most exciting thing they’ll do is, uh, get into a cabinet, but that’s about it. They don’t do anything noisy like that.

Dick: You’re serious… So, you’re engaged to a woman who has 5 cats, but you’re deathly allergic to cats? This isn’t like a problem for you guys?

Waut3rboi: No. I’m just taking loads of medicine.

Sean: Hmm.

Waut3rboi: To try and compensate.

Dick: What is this guy doing for love? Sean? I mean what the… What is this… Is this girl like a bikini model or something, that can, you know? How can you tolerate this? I’m allergic to just being slightly late. That’ll end a relationship for me. You’re deathly allergic to cats, but you keep it going?

Waut3rboi: Uh… Yeah.

Dick: You’re a saint. Uh. You need to – trade up for dogs. You’re going to be like the old woman that swallowed a fly.

Waut3rboi: Oh, I actually – I do own a dog. We just need a bigger place first. So, we’re easing towards that.

Dick: No, get like 5 dogs. 5 or 6 dogs.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: One for one.

Waut3rboi: And 10 birds.

Dick: Yeah, and 10 birds. Alright buddy. Um, so you – we’ve got this leak to deal with. The new waut3rgate leaks. Um…

Sean: Does your house just smell like ammonia constantly?

Waut3rboi: No.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Are the cats a problem when you guys are trying to have sex? Are they like, is there one that’s more curious about it than the others?

Waut3rboi: No, we’ll close the door.

Dick: They’re not outside, like meowing and scratching at the door, to get in there and see what the cannery’s doing?

Sean: 5 cats make a hell of a lot of piss, man.

Dick: Yeah. Are you cleaning up cat shit?

Waut3rboi: Uh… No, occasionally. Maybe if my fiancée’s running late to work of something like that, I’ll clean up the cat litter.

Dick: Oh, I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine that. That’s worse than a kid. That’s worse than a baby. By a mile. The smell alone.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: Alright. Um… So you leaked some more correspondence between you and Maddox. When did this chat conversation take place?

Waut3rboi: Um… So… I gotta go onto The Dick Show real quick, because I’m not the one that posted it on the Reddit.

Dick: But you posted it?

Waut3rboi: I posted it on the irc, which I recommend that everybody join.

MadCucks: Which is a totally private place, and nothing ever spills out anywhere.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Waut3rboi: I learned from my first, uh, leak, that it’s probably gonna end up on Reddit, but I didn’t realize it was gonna happen pretty much instantaneously.

Dick: Yeah, of course it will.

Waut3rboi: Hehehe.

Dick: Can’t be posting funny shit.

Waut3rboi: But at the same time, I don’t care, because I think they’re funny.

Dick: Okay. Um, when did this… When did the first one happen?

Waut3rboi: So, the first one from the very beginning happened, I want to say, a couple months after The Dick Show started.

Dick: Okay.

Waut3rboi: The waut3r… What is it?... The leaks too?

Dick: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: Don’t walk away from them, run. About narcissism.

Dick: Maddox’s “don’t walk away, run”

Waut3rboi: Yeah. January 2018, I believe. And the other one, I believe, is from March.

Dick: Okay, so March. Alright, uh… Do you guys want to read – MadCucks, do you want to read some of this for us?

MadCucks: Absolutely.

Dick: It’s about the destruction of the show more or less. I dunno, we’ll see if it’s funny. Uh… Sean, what do you think?

Sean: Well, I would like to hear some.

Dick: Yeah, let’s hear some of it.

Waut3rboi: Okay, so which one are we looking at? Is it…

Dick: 2.

Waut3rboi: The abuse one, or the downfall?

Dick: Yes.

Madcucks: The abu’se one.

Dick: Which one’s funnier?

MadCucks: They’re both real’ly funny.

Dick: Alright, MadCucks, why don’t you start wherever you want to start.

Madcucks: Alright this is Maddoxs’ Abuse.M.D.

Sean: And I’ll give it a rating based on cats.

Dick: Yeah. One to five cats.

Sean: Yes.

MadCucks: Want to know why I haven’t talked about my ex, and why that shit upsets me so much? Because my ex was physically and verbally abusive. (Everyone laughs) She threatened to burn my house down, so if you brought her into my life in that capacity, I’d file a restraining order against her, and she’d lose her job, because she’s a teacher.

Dick: Threatened to burn his house down.

MadCucks: It said if you brought her back into his life, as a girlfriend…

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, I think so, yes. Burn the house down. Okay.

MadCucks: These are 2 vindictive people who are trying to fuck with me. Dax got extremely jealous when I started dating M3ntal Jane Doe.

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: Do you know how disrespectful it is to suggest that I may have any interest in an awful person anymore? How do you think that makes M3ntal Jane Doe feel?

Dick: This is like the opposite of the love letter. There wasn’t anything about burning the house down in the love letter. Hm…

Waut3rboi: That’s what I put in the chat. Like, if you juxtapose any of this with like “she taught me patience,”

(Everyone laughs)

Dick: Well, good thing it was fucking read then! I mean, that’s kinda like a public interest then! If this is what’s being said privately, it’s a good fucking thing the letter got read publicly!

Sean: Well, already – Already I’ve latched onto – if I did this, then she would lose her job, and that would – so I’m not going to file a restraining order.

Dick: Yeah. The whole “lose her job.”

Sean: Yeah. I – yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Waut3rboi: So, I responded, saying “That probably makes you feel awful. Did you intend for her and Jessica to ever be friends?”

Dick: Hehehe.

MadCucks: They were friendly, but it doesn’t matter what I intend. I don’t control people. I just wanted them to be okay with each other. Jessica was fine with it, they had hung out once before, my ex lost her mind, and started stalking me… (hehehe) … and the girl I dated, and threatened to cut down my Christmas lights.

(Everyone starts laughing)

Sean: Cut down my what?

Dick: Christmas lights.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Sean. I mean, this is a clear pattern of abusive behavior! Of course, cutting down my Christmas lights! You better fucking watch it, I’ll come over to your house, and I will cut down your Christmas lights.

MadCucks: Yeah, that’s a real finisher.

Sean: It’s like May, wasn’t it?

(Dick laughs, robotically.)

Dick: Not “I’m gonna cut your brake lines, your gas line, your water main, key your car. I’m going to cut down your Christmas lights!”

MadCucks: Yeah, try to keep your spirits merry and bright without lights, fuckface!

Dick: People all over your block are going to think you’re a scrooge!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I’m gonna cut them down! I’m not gonna rip the staples out of the roof!

Sean: I’d like to file a restraining order against the Grinch.

Waut3rboi: So, in my mind, when I hear this, I think like it’s the middle of May. She’s told him a million times to take them down, and at some point, she loses it, and she’s like “It’s fucking May 16th, we don’t need these lights…”

Dick: (interjects) Take them down, or I’m gonna cut them down.

Waut3rboi: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. And meanwhile, Maddox is like, “well that’s inefficient. I’m going to leave them up year-round. As long as they’re off, they’re not technically Christmas lights.”

Sean: Right.

Dick: Lifehack. Lifehack.

Sean: Yeah.

MadCucks: So anyway, continuing. I still have a broken door in my apartment from her abuse that she hasn’t paid for. How much does a fucking door cost? Thirty dollars?

Dick: 30 dollars. Yeah, 30 bucks. The hollow one that you can kick in, yeah.

MadCucks: So, I’m telling you dude, if I go public with this, she’ll lose her job because she’s a teacher. Why do you ask?

Sean: If I got public… With a door? With a door damage story?

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: This door is broken, please fire this woman.

Sean: Yeah, well…

Dick: Okay.

Waut3rboi: So my dumbass question was “Do you, by any chance, get bonus episodes?”:

Dick: Uh-huh.

MadCucks: No, dude! I don’t listen to any of his slander. I don’t know what’s been said.

Waut3rboi: I don’t know if you want to, but I can send you the last episode, where he talks about you and 80’s girl.

MadCucks: Fuck no! I’m not listening to that bullshit! It’s all lies! Everything he says is either a lie or is misleading. What do I need to know? So, he doesn’t listen to the hsoe, but somehow knows that all of it is lies.

Dick: Yeah, all of it’s lies. It’s misleading. What do I need to know? No, I don’t want to hear it. What do I need to know?

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Waut3rboi: Do I have top say that egg thing?

Dick: Just read what you – read what you wrote. Yeah.

Waut3rboi: Okay. Yeah. So, I was in the middle of making breakfast. A lot of this stuff, I was talking just through voice to speech or whatever.

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Waut3rboi: So I’ll attempt flipping all these eggs while giving you the run-down, and I sent him a picture. I had like a million eggs in the pan.

Dick: Uh-huh.

MadCucks: And I say “Hehe, good luck!”

Dick: Hehe.

MadCucks: One thing you said though, dude, “and I think if he really thought all those disgusting things about women, he wouldn’t have a girlfriend.” You know women are in abusive relationships all the time. Sometimes they put up with it for various reasons. So that’s not true. My ex was abusive to me, and I put up with it for too long.

Waut3rboi: So I can clip out his story for you, and send it to you, because that’s going to be a whole lot easier. But, basically, explain the entirety of his side of the wedding story in full detail. Whatever his version of full detail is.

MadCucks: Probably none of it’s true! I’m not going to listen to it dude! Sorry, I don’t have time! I’ll tell you what happened! “The truth…”

(Everyone laughs)

MadCucks: My ex was there. She texts me a whole bunch before the wedding, making sure it’s okay to come. I told her it was fine, but I was bringing my date. M3ntal Jane Doe and I were still newly dating. My ex got really jealous because before the wedding, she sent an email asking to get back together… Hahaha, yeah, that’s something people send in emails! And she said she was always going to be in love with me, even with new guys she dated. I told her it was too late, and I moved on, but we could still be friends.

Dick: Okay.

MadCucks: Then, before the wedding, she invited me to go to Mexico with her. I turned her down again, and it pissed her off. Then, at the wedding, M3ntal Jane Doe caught the bouquet, and my ex lost her mind. She got pissed, and then M3ntal Jane Doe started talking about wedding venues. Whoa, that’s a little but psychotic.

(Everyone laughs)

MadCucks: With my ex standing over me, and she says “Where do you want to get married?” And then, before I had a chance to answer, she walked away from me and started flirting with Dick. They left the wedding together, which made me furious, because the has a DUI, and Dick was drunk. He could have gotten her killed… and she could have lost her job!

(Everyone laughs)

Dick: No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Sean: If she’s gonna lose her job, it’s gonna be on my terms, god damnit!

Dick: So yeah, so… She could have been killed, comma, or lost her job? Because I was drunk.

MadCucks: Uh, yeah. There’s no comma, but yeah, he could have gotten her killed, and she could have lost her job.

Dick: Motherfucking lunatic. Okay.

MadCucks: I love the fact that, like, one, the story rings totally true and she caught the bouquet, because my girlfriend’s super awesome! And then, even though we’ve been dating for like… Dating for about an hour, she already starts talking about wedding venues. “When are we gonna get married, I caught the bouquet, now we gotta get married.”

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: Fucking psycho.

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: Uh… I bet he didn’t tell you guys that part, but that’s pretty much it. And she called me a few days later and apologized for it. But it wasn’t because I asked him not to come, he offered, and I took him up on his offer.

Waut3rboi: He did tell us.

MadCucks: He told all of that?

Waut3rboi: And boy, is his version of the story a lot different. It contains some of the same elements.

MadCucks: Because I bet he made it sound like he was kicked off an episode. He offered, and I accepted. Well, I’m sure it’s a lot different, because he’s a liar. My ex… The night of the wedding… She had a DUI, and he drove her home drunk.

Dick: It’s such weird details to keep repeating.

MadCucks: That pissed me off, because while we were dating, it was a huge point of contention, and I still cared about her as a friend at that time. And I told Dick, “If you wanted to date her, he could just talk to me.” But I wasn’t prepared to have her back in my life in that capacity. What the fuck does that even mean?

Dick: I don’t know!

Waut3rboi: Uh… Can somebody else get in trouble for someone else drunk driving?

Dick: No.

MadCucks: Well, absolutely.

Dick: Yeah. That’s the way it works in Facebook. If Facebook catches you associating with a drunk driver, they pretty much get the word out and you’re done.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You’re blocked permanently, in every facet of your life.

MadCucks: You’re fired from all your jobs.

Dick: Yeah, uh…

Sean: It’s a contact buzz, you know? Everybody knows that.

Dick: Uh, okay. Here we go. Here we go. Waut3rboi, will you skip down to… “Oh, sorry about that, I think TDS is going to continue growing, and if it does.”

Waut3rboi: Oh, okay. Oh, okay, sorry about that. I think that The Dick Show is going to continue growing. And if it does, if what you’re saying is true, you have a real problem on your hands.

MadCucks: I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. There’s A LOT more I have on Dick. He’s fucked over a lot of people.

Waut3rboi: So I’ve got no reason to worry? I ask that genuinely, and it’s the reason I may contain this particular interest. Otherwise, it’s just silly goss.

MadCucks: Worry about what?

Waut3rboi: The livelihood and quality of life for you and Jess.

MadCucks: Oh, well, that’s definitely hurt. He has hurt a bunch of small businesses… What the fuck?

(Dick laughs loudly)

Dick: Small… (laughs) I’m like a real estate developer. I come in and ruin all the mom and pop businesses that are going on, just with my antics.

Waut3rboi: Here comes Wal-Mart.

Sean: Here comes Dick-Mart, yeah.

Dick: You think I’m ruining stuff? You got a small business over there?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Any small businesses hiding over there? No medium sized businesses, sir. 5-million plus. We’ve got a health plan, we’ve got… Good, good.

Sean: Some Nazis coming around, you hiding any Jews in there?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: See any small businesses? Anybody want to better their life?

Dick: Your marquee says “Ma & Pa’s shoe repaid.” Ah, that is Ma & Pa’s, uh, it’s a conglomerate entity. We, uh, design those by a focus group. We’re just coincidentally – people refer to us as Ma & Pa, we are not a small business.

Sean: Viacom!

Waut3rboi: Oh my god. Yeah, for like 3 months, he would not stop talking about Kendal & Hyde. Saying that you were just destroying an online…

Dick: Oh!...

Waut3rboi: … legitimate business, and you’ve associated it with like Indiana Jones purses or whatever.

(Dick laughs)

MadCucks: I’m just trying to make their business grow! And everybody wants to be cool like Indiana Jones!

Dick: Yeah!

MadCucks: If anything, that’s like a fucking endorsement. If fucking Harrison Ford came out to like, the leather man bag company, and like, “Introducing the Indiana Jones man purse, with a hat emporium…”

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: That’ll go through the fucking roof!

Waut3rboi: Bus, so… I’m gonna have to look for it. But, I looked myself for Kendal & Hyde, and they have so many fucking problems on Reddit.

Dick: Well, no. They just took everybody’s money and didn’t make any bags.

Sean: Yeah. At least one of those guys is a thief, right?

Dick: It’s not a fucking business.

Sean: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: I approached Maddox about that, and I was like, “Look at this thread, look at this thread. It has nothing to do with The Dick Show.” He’s like, “Well, some businesses have problems.”

Dick: Yeah, like some businesses that sell a bunch of Madbux, and then never give any bonus episodes. It’s basically… Maddox did exactly the same thing that Kendal & Hyde did.

Waut3rboi: But they’re trying their hardest, they’re moving past it.

Dick: Yeah, because that fucking dope, Cameron, sold Kendal & Hyde on sponsoring Maddox in his infancy, who’s blowing through money. Because the guy, Cameron, that dipshit doesn’t – is incompetent, and convinced a bigger company that a prime demo for them would be Maddox’s show for $400 man-purses. This is like, it’s a series of idiocy that led to this. Starting with Cameron, continuing through Maddox, and wrecking… Those 2 morons did more damage to Kendal & Hyde than I ever even attempted! Like, there was no damage! It’s just making fun of a company making man-purses! Anyway.

Waut3rboi: So any criticism is just null and void for whatever reason.

Dick: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: That it’s from you, it’s harassment.

Dick: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: So, where were we? Shoot.

Dick: So why not drop the bomb now?

Waut3rboi: Yeah, so why not just drop the bomb now?

MadCucks: Well, because, honestly buddy, it doesn’t make me feel good, and I don’t want to ruin peoples’ lives.

(Dick laughs)

Waut3rboi: Well they’re ruining yours. Yours and Jess’s.

MadCucks: They’re trying to. They’ll probably take things too far and end up in jail. I don’t know what to do, man. But go full steam on him, which is what he wants. He can get a lot of publicity that I don’t want to give him.

Dick: Yeah, go full steam, Maddox. Go on your fucking website, that’s cobbled together on – cobbled together HTML website, and do your fucking worst. Tell everybody about the small businesses I’ve ruined, and… Like, go absolutely fucking nuts. Go full steam, you gigantic moron. You complete fucking pussy. Go for it. That’s exactly what I want! So much publicity! Sean, because he’s got so much power with his website that had more traffic than Pepsi, in 1997. Maddox, the king-maker! Maddox who goes on Drunken Peasants, and his only remarkable action on the podcast is getting mocked by commenters. A Living lolcow! A man whose gone through a complete reversal in life. From somebody with a one-off success hit, to a complete fucking joke. Go absolutely crazy, Maddox! Dedicate your whole fucking site to it! Oh, got the – A man with so much power that he won’t even give Anita Sarkeesian a response, because he’s so far above it! I mean… People quake when they hear of Maddox’s ability to post emails from customer service representatives. This is how much power a man has! He can’t protect his own Christmas lights! But he can ruin your life. Can’t replace a door! A dent in a door has felled him! Cut!... Yeah… Go ahead.

Waut3rboi: Well, if they are the pieces of shit you’re making them out to be, I’d just drop the bomb.

MadCucks: Believe it or not, nobody fucking knows or cares about the old podcast anymore. If someone tuned into his show today, they’d have to look up me… I mean, would they? You’re so famous. Do they really need to look you up? Denzel, uh… M3ntal Jane Dow, I think that’s what that’s referred to. Asterios. And listen to a years’ worth of episodes to get up to speed. He’s dug himself a grave. Well, what If I wanted to drop the bomb, and it doesn’t wipe them out?

Dick: (laughing) What the fuck is this person… Wipe them out? This is all a pretend world that we’re talking about, right? This is the bomb? A dog bite lawyer writing a bullshit lolsuit, and causing…

Sean: Well, I think this is a new bomb. I don’t think he had concocted that bomb yet.

Dick: No, I think he had, because most of the – most of M3ntal Jess’s restraining order defense, that Maddox wrote, is the same screenshots and like thought process that’s in his lolsuit.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: So, I think. He’s been working on, you know… He can’t fucking write, so I think he spent that long coming up with it.

Sean: Well, it’s a huge amount – what is it, 60 pages or something like that?

Dick: Yeah, it’s gigantic.

Sean: Usually those things are like 4 to 6, or something like that?

Dick: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: In the – just, to clear something up, I’m going along with this, because if I object in any way, he’ll just stop talking, and start complaining, saying that I’m just brainwashed or something like that.

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Waut3rboi: A lot of this, I’m just saying, okay, let’s just play along with your metaphor. What if it doesn’t work? You know, things like that. So anyways… Then it’s not a very good bomb.

MadCucks: Hehe!

(everyone laughs)

MadCucks: Well, it will take Dick out.

Dick: Sean! Hehe.

Sean: It sounds like he’s saying “tee-hee,” which I like even more.

Dick: This is a 40-year-old man. Well, it’s not a very good bomb. Hehe.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Hehe.

Sean: Mmm.

Dick: Hoohoo. I’m Maddox, hehe.

MadCucks: Says the guy who has a comic artist named Hehe Silly Comics.

Dick: Hehe.

MadCucks: Yeah! In your face.

Dick: Okay, go ahead.

MadCucks: I’m sure she, the woman, an artist, but whatever.

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: Hehe. Well, it will take Dick out. But Dick’s ex might lose her job or get investigated for crime.

Dick: He’s talking about British girl.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: (Sean says “Mhm” several times throughout Dick’s speaking.) Who originally posted the Maddox disavows his book. That, like, brown-nosing shilling he did to the LA comedy community. Or the cunts in the LA comedy community, who flipped out because he had “copping a feel” in his fucking book. Instead of, you know, taking a stand for his book, art, men in general, the idea of – the idea that we should be able to make jokes like this, as a way to cope with reality. Instead of taking a stand for that, “I disavow my book, I haven’t even read it. It’s not very good, I’m ashamed of it.” British girl saw that, and said “Ah, I’ll take a screenshot of that,” because she fucking hates his ass. Uh, yeah. And then, M3ntal Jess messaged her saying “you better take that down, or you’ll be investigated. I don’t want you to be included in the police report that we’re filing.”

Waut3rboi: Yup, so my only response to that was “Wow, this is really weird!”

MadCucks: Randy might lose his job, which I definitely don’t want! Asterios will definitely lose his job! So then what? You think these people will leave me alone after I’ve taken away their jobs, or will it get worse? I don’t know.

Waut3rboi: I don’t either.

MadCucks: Yeah, man… My hands are kinds tied right now. Honestly… Any time somebody leads with “honestly,” it’s a lie. I just want to get back to making content that people enjoy. I wonder when that’s going to be. I’m not vindictive. I didn’t want to release my video about Dick, and there’s worse… That video was originally 17 minutes long. I’m trying to ignore this. These people are sociopaths, and I want nothing to do with them.

Waut3rboi: Oh, can you?

MadCucks: I was talking with a friend one night, and we were trying to determine what we were dealing with… and we both did research and came up with sociopathy. Everything I read about sociopaths online is this. Don’t walk away from them… (Madcucks sounds like a Scooby Doo character) RUN!...

Dick: (Dick laughs) All caps!

MadCucks: Like he’s a Scooby Doo villain!

Dick: Oh, god. So, first of all, we prefer the term “morally challenged.”

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Sociopaths. He did research with a friend, and they came up with that. Alright, great reading guys, thank you so much. Thanks for letting us know about the Christmas lights. Maddox’s precious Christmas lights, that he keeps plugged in all the time.

Sean: At least 4 out of 5 cats. 4 and a half out of five cats.

Dick: A door that will get people fired.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uh… Yeah. Thanks a lot. What makes you guys a rage? MadCucks, what makes you a rage?

MadCucks: I’ll let waut3rboi go first.

Dick: Okay, waut3rboi, what makes you a rage man?

Waut3rboi: I’ll let MadCucks go first.

Dick: Okay, you fucking cocksuckers!

MadCucks: Okay! What makes me a rage is the new fucking iPhone X commercial that’s on Hulu. Every fucking commercial break, it pops up, and it’s just like, this stupid lady is just shaking her head back and forth, like “Look! I can make an emoji move back and forth!” I don’t fucking care! There’s no fucking ads for this during a show, that’s going to make me want to buy a $1000 phone. Even if I was an iPhone person, I don’t need to see a fucking ad! Your fucking products advertise themselves! Everybody’s walking around with the stupid symbol on the back of it! We know it fucking exists, stop with the advertisements! Jesus Christ!

Dick: Yeah. Uh, If I get – If I have to open a text with one more fireworks exploding Happy New Years post, I’m going to go back to a flip phone. I’m so tired of these features like these commercialized – features that they make just to throw in a commercial, that either nobody uses, or everybody hates.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Exactly like that. Make it waterproof. That’s it.

MadCucks: Yeah. Make it fucking waterproof, make the battery last all day, make it run faster, make it take good pictures. I don’t give a shit about seeing fucking dancing emoji, and I especially hate that you’re fucking putting ads out like nobody’s… Like, someone somewhere is going to tune into that commercial, and be like “Apple makes a phone now? Whaaat?”

Dick: Yeah. Alright man. MadCucks, host of Here’s What I Don’t Proud member of the CUNT Network. See you next Tuesday Network. Thanks buddy, thanks for the reading.

Madcucks: Thank you.

Dick: Yup. Waut3rboi, what do you got?

Waut3rboi: Alright, so, uh… I guess it’s technically kinda doxing myself if I say I’m a cashier, but I’m a cashier.

Dick: Okay.

Waut3rboi: And I don’t have a lot of problems with customers. Except for when they come up and they put like $300 worth of merchandise on the counter, and then they’re like, “Oh, I have like 23 pennies. Let me just dig in my purse.” So, they dig into their wallet, they bull out like 5 or 6, and they’re like, “oh, there might be some at the bottom of my purse. They clearly have another dollar that they could put down on the table, but they’re like,” ah, I just want to get rid of my change. I just want to get rid of the pennies.”

Dick: It’s like they’re completing a quest of using all their – like, if one day, they have zero change when they get home, they’ll have achieved total enlightenment.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And they could check that off forever. And they’ll never get any more change again. Like they’re doing you a favor! Like somehow, in your job description, it’s important to have an amount of pennies, and dickels, and quarters. Like, you get a reward if they pay it – if they’re able to pay you the exact amount, then somehow that helps you.

Sean: Mhm.

Waut3rboi: Oh, it’s actually the opposite too.

Sean: Right? The perfectly balanced drawer.

Dick: Yeah. Oh, here you go.

Waut3rboi: Because every – so… A lot of cashiers in a lot of places, they have a timer for how long they ring people up and get through the process.

Dick: Oh. Okay.

Waut3rboi: So, if someone decides, “Okay, I’m going to pull out 50 cents in pennies…”

Dick: Yeah.

Waut3rboi: It only hurts everybody in the store.

Dick: that’s interesting.

Waut3rboi: Yeah. So, the best thing to do would just be to give me the $10, I can give you back the 3 pennies, and then we can move on. That’s it!

Dick: Yeah. Okay. I agree. That’s a good waut3rboi tip for everybody. Thanks for all the laughs, waut3rboi.

Waut3rboi: Alright.

Dick: Thanks for the leaks.

Waut3rboi: See you later.

Sean: See you.

Waut3rboi: I’ll be prepared next time.

Sean: Enjoy those allergies.

Waut3rboi: Goodbye.

Dick: Bye. Have fun with your cats. What a fucking mess, that poor kid. Engaged to a 5 cat lady.

Sean: Oh boy. That’s a fuck load of cats, man. That’s a lot of cats.

Dick: One’s too many. Let’s see here… Something about Dr. Phil came out. He – reportedly, an addict came onto his show, and there was a bottle of vodka in the dressing room. Like, Dr. Phil just left it there.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, I will say that on the show, there was plenty of liquor.

Sean: Well that’s… Yeah.

Dick: There’s nothing to do, nothing to read, only things in the house of judgement that will drive you insane. Like, nothing to occupy your mind, but ample liquor.

Sean: Well, it’s completely… Yeah, of course. They want good content.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They want conflict.

Dick: And nothing should be surprising about this. I just realized that, after they said that…

Sean: (interjects) It has nothing to do with mental health.

Dick: No.

Sean: There’s, no.

Dick: No. At the dime I didn’t realize like, “oh, that’s nice of them to put liquor here.” But now, looking back, I’m “oh, what a gigantic… Like, there’s no – there’s not even an attempt to reach a point of mental health on this show.” I thought that was pretty funny. Uh, let’s see. The death pool is back. We’re going to start a new death pool. New year, new death pool, to see when Maddox’s show calls it quits.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: There’s a reddit thread. You go guess the time.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: It’s on Reddit. Facebook, I assume, will start one. Uh, let’s see here. Vistus…

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Has done a goss timeline. Maybe we’ll talk about that. It’s a pretty fucking good timeline. It’s like 10 minutes long, though. Can’t watch it.

Sean: Yeah. I heard about that. That’s a lot of work.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. It, uh… It was… Okay, Rocket Man was very, um… Jamie Lynn Hughes is here.

Jamie: Hello.

Dick: (Welcomes Jamie, somewhat incoherently) Hello, Jamie.

Jamie: Hello.

Dick: Uh… Jamie’s got some questions. I guess people want advice from a girl. They think they do. Because they think another girl has it all figured out. They think a girl will help them manipulate other girls, better than a guy.

Jamie: We, I can do that.

Dick: You can? We’ll see about that. Okay?

Jamie: Okay.

Dick: Actually, we’re both gonna give this guy advice.

Jamie: Okay, and see how it compares:

Dick: Yeah. And see how it compares.

Jamie: Okay.

Dick: Okay? And then he’s gonna do both. And then he’s gonna say who wins.

Jamie: Oaky. I like it.

Dick: Okay.

Jamie: Let’s go.

Dick: Rocket Man, last week, was very polarizing. Did you get a sense of that Sean?

Sean: I thought he would be.

Dick: Yeah, you thought he would be. A lot of people liked him. Lakembra and Vistus loved him.

Sean: Mhm.

 Dick: This guy, Peter [Putchess?] says, “Re-listening to the last episode the third time, because Rocket Man. What do you think about something like a weekly whatever, “ask Rocket Man” thread on Reddit? Consolidate the best and worst. I think that would be cool. I don’t’ know if he’d be up for it. I think he was surprised that he got a bunch of jerk-off questions. I don’t think he was expecting that.

Sean: No, I don’t think so ewither.

Dick: I know some people thought he was – it wasn’t some peoples’ cup of tea.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But, you know. He’s uh…

Sean: You gotta try things.

Dick: He knows everything about… science? I thought it was interesting as hell! That they have a protocol for jacking off in Antarctica.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And then… If I was in space…

Sean: Where else are you gonna get that

Dick: Yeah. If I was in space jerking off, I would have fucked up the whole toilet. So I guess I’m, maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am.

Sean: Yeah, well… Neil Degrasse Tyson ain’t gonna give you that. He’s never been invited to space.

Dick: He’s never even jacked off.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He just talks about himself, and then cums, and then goes to sleep. Nothing even comes out. Neil Degrasse Tyson has female orgasms, where it’s like, they never quite go over the line. It’s just like a wave, and then it’s like, “okay, you know, they can stop at any time.” Men can’t do that. You stop a man, he turns into the Incredible Hulk.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: That’s a tip. That’s a tip for all the men in the audience. To make sure they unload. They’re not teaching kids that in school anymore.

Jamie: Can’t get that home-ec anymore.

Dick: No. They’re teaching you that it doesn’t matter. But it does fucking matter. It does. Don’t let teachers tell you that.

Jamie: Okay.

Dick: If you’re a little boy listening to this show, or a teenage boy, make sure you know that. Okay, SourHippo says,

“I need a little chick tip from Jamie. Hey Dick, Next time Jamie’s on the show, I could really do with a little chick tip from her. Jamie,” he says. “My girl won’t do anal. “Ew, no,” “no way,” and “stop asking, I’m not doing it” are typical responses I get when I open up the subject.”

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: No pun intended.

“I thought that, without trying it, how could she even know that she doesn’t like it?”

Sean: Yeah. Yeah. Right. That’s how they get you to eat tomatoes as a kid. You know what I mean? They try that kinda logic.

Dick: It’s on her, Sean.

Sean: Yeah! How do you KNOW you don’t like it?! You’re never tried it.

Dick: Okay, so this is what we’re dealing with.

Jamie: Okay.

Dick: This is what he’s attempted so far, I’m sure. I could see him sitting there,

“Hey, can I sneak this in the back?”


“Well, how do you know that you don’t like it until you tried it? Hmm?”

and expecting, “Oh yeah, sure. You know what, you’re totally right. You’ve reasoned me into it.”

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: “So one time I surprised her and slipped a finger up her butt whilst plowing.”

Jamie: Okay.

“She didn’t like it, and that led to an argument.”

Dick: Oh my god.

Jamie: Wow.

Dick: That’s a bad sign, dude.

“I feel as though she doesn’t like it in the same way that a child doesn’t immediately doesn’t like vegetables…”

Dick: Sean, speaking on what you were talking about.

“…without giving them a proper try. They just put them in their mouth, ant they say that they don’t like them. Fuckin’ kids. Cocksuckers.”

Jamie: He needs to not have a child analogy when he’s sitting there, talking about this.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You think that might be part of his problem? That that’s how he views his girlfriend? She’s a child. Good point. Um…

“My bros have asked If I’ve ever done anal. And to save face, I have to pretend that I don’t like it, and don’t even want to try it.”

Jamie: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Like, him receiving?

Dick: I think he means, his bros are asking if he’s fucked his chick up the ass, and to save face, he tells his bros that he doesn’t want to.

Jamie: Oh, I see, I see.

Dick: Sour ass, sour ass. That’s that that’s called. You know, when the fox was there, and all the foxes froze? All the other animals, like, “hey, fuck your fox up the ass?” and the fox said, “Nah, its ass is sour.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don’t want that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That old mythological tale.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: That old allegory. The sour ass.

Sean: Right.

Dick: The fox with the sour ass.

Sean: Fable.

Dick: Fable? Aesop’s fables? Dick’s Fables? I should write a fucking…

Jamie: Assop’s fables?

Dick: Yeah, Assop’s fables.

Sean: There you go! Yeah, very good.

Dick: That’s a fucking good idea.

Sean: Assop’s fables.

Dick: Ass-e-ops fables.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Okay.

Jamie: I’m taking credit for that one.

Sean: Yup. It’s on record.

Dick: (mumbles) Yeah, sue me. Classis LA move. Um…

“Do you have any little chick tips on getting my girlfriend to try anal with an open mind?”

Dick: No, you’ve blown that. Thanks.

Jamie: Well, my first question would be how much do you like her? Because…

Dick: Well, I mean… How much do we like any?...

Jamie: It’s just… It’s definitely a difficult thing to – If you’re just really closed off to stuff, to convince somebody to do it, it’s my opinion that it’s not something you convince somebody into. They have to, kind of, come into that on their own terms.

Dick: Manipulating, you’re describing.

Jamie: No, I’m…

Dick: Manipulating them.

Jamie: No, my advice is that she probably won’t be for it in the lifespan of your relationship.

Dick: No, that’s not a good advice though.

Jamie: Well…

Dick: Because then he doesn’t get what he wants.

Sean: Your advice is to stop trying.

Jamie: I’m trying to think of this – okay, so…

Dick: Sean, what would it take for a guy to convince you to get fucked in the ass? I mean this is – you gotta think. You’re asking a question like this, you gotta think, “Well, what would it take to convince me?” Right?

Jamie: Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too.

Sean: Is he the prince of some, like, Arab country or something?

Dick: Why?

Sean: I dunno. I mean, there’s a lot of money there. Everybody’s got their price.

Jamie: Yeah, so let me ask you. Because, from my end, it’s hard for me to give advice, because I’ve never been that girl.

Dick: Sorry? What do you mean?

Jamie: To where, um… How do I say this tactfully?

Dick: You already said it tactfully.

Jamie: That I was unwilling, to um… Maybe a man would be an easier person to give advice on… how to be… how to make somebody willing.

Dick: You gotta do, like, look… You gotta Mark Twain her. You gotta Tom Sawyer her.

Jamie: Explain.

Dick: With the ass.

Sean: Call her the N word?

Dick: No. You gotta… When Tom Sawyer’s painting the fence, and the boys come over, they’re like, “Ah this sucks. Gotta paint a fence.” Like, no. Actually it’s awesome. I love painting the fence. So, you’ve gotta start – Sour’s gotta start saying, “Well, it’s actually awesome. I do it all the time. I finger-blast my own ass whilst I’m doing anything, and it’s great. All my bros do it. The greatest relationship I’ve ever had in my life, my last girlfriend, it was very romantic, and it actually increased our love levels to a strasosphere that we couldn’t imagine.” See? Tom Sawyer it. And then, she wants to see what you mean. Is it really? You can’t look like you want it. You gotta flip it around, and make it, not even denying it, but… “Hey, what can I say? I love it and everybody loves it.” Right?

Jamie: Now, another way is maybe he could just get her really worked up beforehand. Um.

Dick: Like, what do you mean?

Sean: And then have an argument?

Dick: Like browse Zappos together?

Jamie: Okay. I kind of feel like Robin right now, because I’m having to talk about this explicit stuff. Um, okay. So… I’m blushing now.

Dick: What are you thinking about?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Sean and I aren’t blushing.

Sean: No. I dunno how.

Jamie: Let’s say…

Dick: Have you ever blushed in your life. Sean?

Sean: I dunno, probably.

Dick: Probably? Like when you were a baby, and someone saw your penis?

Sean: I have no idea.

Dick: Motherfucker, don’t you look at me.

Sean: I dunno! I don’t know. Nobody’s ever said “Oh, you’re blushing.” Some people get really red.

Dick: You’re like Keyser Soze, they say. Killed his family, burned his house down.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Are you okay now?

Jamie: Yeah. So, let’s say you’re going at it from behind.

Dick: Okay.

Jamie: Get real close up in her ear…

Dick: Okay.

Jamie: Maybe breathe a little heavy.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Jamie: And…

Dick: And have an accent. Like, have an, uh… A Spanish accent. Like a swarthy, piratey accent.

Jamie: That would be weird.

Dick: What do you mean that would be weird, that’s sexy as hell.

Jamie: That would throw her off.

Dick: And then you give yourself a name.

Jamie: Oh, okay. Hold on, I’m thinking about that. It might not be too bad.

Dick: (In his sexy Spanish pirate accent) “Hello. I am in the middle of plowing you. My name is Sour Hippo.” Right? Set the mood?

Jamie: Okay… I mean, maybe try it with your normal voice first.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: And that might blow it.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: That would be – that would be my tip.

Dick: Then what should she say?

Jamie: Well. She might say no, she might say yes. But you have to… You just have to get her really worked up.

Dick: Really worked up?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. Like, say “I’m gonna marry you if you let me ass-fuck you.”

Jamie: … Yes?

Dick: And then… Just kidding. Like, cross your fingers so that she can’t hold you to it later. In case that was obviously – I was just saying pillow talk. Right?

Jamie: Yeah, if that’s your goal. To just do that, and nothing else.

Dick: Okay. So, Jamie’s goal – Jamie’s… You’re saying butter her up?

Jamie: Yeah, but, get her really worked up. Not butter her up, but really, really hot.

Dick: Get it so she’s like – She’s roofie-ing herself. Like, her own brain is putting chemicals in her body, to behave as if it were you that had given her chemicals. Okay. Got it. That’s okay. That’s Still okay, right?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: That’s still counts as consent. Just making sure. (Dick begins yelling) SO WE’RE ALLOWED TO USE OUR WORDS – I’M ALLOWED TO USE WORDS TO INJECT PEOPLE’S BODIES WITH CHEMICALS!? But I can’t just shortcut the middleman?

Jamie: You’re definitely allowed.

Dick: Okay. That’s called being a human being. That abstraction.

Sean: Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.

Dick: Just so… So we’re all clear.

Sean: Got it.

Dick: Okay. And my strategy is to Tom Sawyer her.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Okay. Um… Let’s see, I got another one. Let us know how it works out, Hippo. You gotta get in there man! Otherwise, it’s gonna fester.

Sean: Gross.

Dick: That’s the – that’s the last resort. Like, “look, I need this, or I just can’t deal – I just can’t get hard anymore. I can’t have sex in a normal way unless we try it.” Right? And I’ll do quid pro quo. I’ll do it too… But, we gotta do it. That’s the nuclear option.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Okay. Um… This is kind of a rough one.

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: Megalomaniac says,

“I’m having trouble dealing with constant rejection from females, and it’s making me become unhinged ot the point that I have completely lost my temper, and send long, raging texts to Tinder matches who started…”

Sean: Don’t do that.

Dick: Yeah… Oh man. Never fill up the screen with words. Oof. Never fill up the screen.

“But I’m not great looking. Long raging texts to tinder matches who start slipping away… I’m not great looking, but I have a job and a car.”

Sean: Mhm.

“And all the rest. But I can’t seem to keep the attention of any girl I want to be with. You know, unless she’s overweight and couldn’t do any better than me.”

Dick: (Cringing) Uhg, that’s a bad way to look at women!

“Talking to women is starting to feel like negotiating with a homicidal maniac, who has my ego held hostage, and any misstep could cause her to shoot it.”

Dick: Okay. Perfectly normal. Perfectly normal. I mean that seriously, that’s perfectly normal, we all feel like that.

“She didn’t get the joke I told. Blam!...”

Dick: His ego’s getting shot.

“I texted back too doon, blam! I waited too long to text back, blam, blam! I’d bitrade even the tiniest bit of neediest, kablamo. I know there’s nothing wrong with me and my thinking…”

(Jamie scoffs at the statement)

Dick: No, he said that I know there’s something wrong with my thinking. Excuse me, I just internalized this as how I know he actually means it.

“But it’s probably obvious to everyone except me. Most guys don’t seem to care about messages dwindling away, but that throws me into a megalomaniac rage every time. Wut do?”

Sean: Do you think he just, one way or another, just needs a little success?

Dick: Dude, if you are not – if you are not in the top – if you are not a 9 or 10, like a dude… If you don’t look as good as Sean, I mean this with 100% sincerity. If you don’t look at least as good as Sean, or above, stay the fuck off Tinder. Because, it is the – it is designed to crush guys who aren’t in the top 10, 20%.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: Like, all the messages – all the messages that chicks are sending on Tinder. This isn’t me, this is science talking. Like, actual people, putting up many profiles and gauging their responses. If you are not in the top 20%, it will totally fuck up your world view.

Sean: Is that right?

Dick: Dude, it’s terrible.,

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Yeah, I think he needs success, and he needs to stay off…

Sean: So, he’ll have an increased likelihood of success staying off Tinder?

Jamie: I have a question though. He brings up that the only women who will respond to him are the ones who can’t do any better than him. What I want to know is, like, why does he expect them to loser their standards for him, but he can’t… Like, he’s upset with them, because they should like him, even though…

Dick: The hot girls should like him.

Jamie: Yes.

Dick: Even though they could do better.

Jamie: Yeah. So, do you not want to raise yourself?... Like, your standards up?

Dick: Be more fuckable!

Jamie: Be more fuckable.

Dick: Be more fuckable. There you go dude.

Jamie: Yeah. Like, that mindset has always bugged me.

Dick: Which one.

Jamie: Like…

Dick: Guys expecting hot girls to fuck them, but they don’t want to lower their standards?

Jamie: Especially since women, like, even gorgeous women will bang repulsive men.

Dick: How hard was it to say, “like me,” after you said gorgeous women? How hard was it to resist saying the phrase “like me?” How much training did it take?

Jamie: At least 14 years.

Dick: 14 years? Okay. See, like I was expecting to hear it, but I didn’t hear it. I was like “Well, it must take a lot of restraint. Good for you.” What were you saying about gorgeous women?

Jamie: That gorgeous women bang repulsive men all the time.

Dick: Yeah, they do.

Sean: Mhm.

Jamie: That’s why I didn’t put “like me” in there.

Dick: I see. They do.

Jamie: They do.

Dick: So, lie. Be like, update your shit, so it seems like you can give them… Like, find out what’s different about the ugly guys… Did he say he’s ugly?

Sean: He said he’s not great looking.

Dick: Okay. Find a not-great looking guy, that these chicks you want to bang are banging, and then just say that you’re them. Like, whatever they have to offer, just have it. Right? Because if that’s why…

Sean: It’s kind of like a school.

Dick: If that’s why they’re banging you, then… That’s on them. Should have done their research.

Jamie: Let’s just say, like, maybe knock down your expectations. Maybe like a… one tick and see if your results don’t change.

Sean: That’s kind of what I was getting at. He just needs some success. It’ll probably change your… You get any kind of positive feedback, it does wonders for a guy’s ego.

Dick: You have to… It’s like a – you have to trawt it like a game. Like, you don’t go into a gym on day one, and start putting up 4 plates.

Sean: No.

Dick: You gotta start with just the bar. Then, you do the bar over, and over. You gotta go among the 7’s. You gotta start tagging 7’s. Every day. And then you get enough 7’s, you can move up to an 8. And then, pretty soon, you’ll be plowing through 8’s, all day, every day. And the, maybe you sneak in a 9… In there. You don’t just jump up 3 entire levels without paying your dues.

Sean: No. It’s like the Carlin bit though, where he’s like, “I never fucked a 10, but one night, I fucked 5 2’s.

Dick: Yeah. You gotta pay your dues.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Among the 2’s.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: That’s a good tip. Alright, thanks Jamie. Uh, let’s do… See if I got anything else. No ,I don’t think so. Let’s start out with, um… Hehe Silly Comics.

Sean: The last one?

Dick: Yeah. We had some coffe, and there’s an all genders bathroom. I finally saw an all-genders bathroom in the wild. Was at a Pete’s coffee. There was one bathroom.

Sean: All genders?

Dick: All genders.

Sean: Wow. What’s the sign for that?

Dick: It says it in words.

Dick: It should just say restroom!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: All genders. There was one bathroom in the whole place.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: There was one toilet in the bathroom. Still felt the need to put “all genders” on it. It was painful. Alright, um… Go to Um… If you’re a Patreoni, there’s gonna be a “go fuck yourself” video. I’m gonna do another “go fuck yourself” video. Probably – either today or tomorrow, I don’t know yet. And, keep an eye out for your Dickels. Uh… What else did I say people should do?

Sean: Be more fuckable?

Dick: Be more fuckable. 2018, be more fuckable. Okay, this is from KenDollInHide. It’s called “Don’t Walk Away, Run.” Oh, Jamie, you have – Do you want to plug your shop? Your training?

Jamie: Oh, yeah. I’ve got a new site up. It’s So, I’m… As far as who’s listening to the show, I’m doing online training programs and meal plans. So, if you just go to the site, there’s a little contact form.

Dick: So, the meal plan is… You give instructions on how to make food for the whole week?

Jamie: Yeah, so it – well, it’s a month plan, so you follow it for the month, but it’s based on, like, weekly…

Dick: You make one thing, and then eat it all week.

Jamie: You have different meals. But, say for like, meal one, first meal of the day, you’ll eat that same thing for the first meal of the day, the whole week.

Dick: I’m just telling you, from my point of view, like what I want is just to not – Like, having to cook every night makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. So, if… It’s just something I could make once, and then eat it several, times, and it tastes good, and it’s not something that I’ve cooked up, and is necessarily a failure form dump street, that’s what I want to buy instructions on how to do that.

Jamie: Yes, that’s exactly how it is.

Dick: Otherwise, I’ll just eat pizza.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: And drink, because I ate the pizza, and feel bad that I did both of those things, knowing that I’ll get fatter.

Sean: Yeah…

Dick: That’s what…

Sean: Yeah, fuck it.

Dick: Yeah. That’s what I need.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: And workout plans…. You’re saying?

Jamie: Yes.

Dick: I don’t need them, my workout’s perfect.

Jamie: I’ve seen it, I know.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: So perfect.

Dick: Okay.

Jamie: Yes.

Dick: Alright. Uh… Don’t walk away, run. Here you go. KenDollInHide. C U Next Tuesday.

(Dick starts the song)

“As for Sean, he really loves to work for me. I tried to pay him once, but he’d rather give his time for free.”

Dick: We didn’t get to that part, did you?

Sean: I saw that.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: This was so worth it.

Dick: This guy’s so fucking funny.

Dick: Oh man, that word (sociopath) means the wrong thing to that guy. He’s a sociopath. (Dick ends the song) You know, the people who are disproportionately more successful in life? He’s one of those. You gotta watch it. People are only dangerous when they’re uneducated. Yeah. I’m one of those guys. You better watch out.

Sean: Shit, that was funny.

Dick: Yeah, that was great. He also did the Pim Tool Twitter account.

Sean: Mhm. He does a lot.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: All kinds of stuff, he’s fucking funny.

Caller #1: “Hey Dick, this is Nick from Texas, and here’s what makes me a rage this week. Women’s’ cars. They’re fucking filthy. I’m in my wife’s car right now, and I keep the floors and everything pretty clean, because I can’t stand a whole lot of garbage. So, I’m going through her glove box, and I’ve got about 6 insurances in my hand, 5 of which are expired. God forbid an officer pulls her over. A couple of unopened tampons, a bottle of baby shampoo, lotion, hand sanitizer, a bunch of pennies. We’ve got a garment that probably hasn’t been used in 6 years. Uh, some tickets – parking tickets. Not actual citations, but receipts, that are several years old sitting in there. And this is just, like, a place for them to hold all their garbage until a man can coma along to clean it. Frustrating.”

Dick: It’s the eternal battle between men’s order, and women’s chaos and disorder, and slovenliness. It begins in their purse.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Goes into their car. Then travels into your bathroom in your house. And then it slowly starts creeping out from there. It sits in the medicine cabinet, spilling all over the bathroom. All their little doo-dads and insurance guys. I dated a girl who had 50 insurance cards in her glove box.

Sean: No way.

Dick: No.

Jamie: no.

Dick: How many do you have in your glove box right now?

Jamie: At least 3.

Dick: At least 3?

Jamie: Yeah. And I don’t have the right one in there at all.

Dick: You don’t have the right one, period?

Jamie: No. Because, I got pulled over on my way to California too, and I got out of it by crying.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Got out of it by crying. Not crying that got me out of it. See, there’s the words again! There’s the fucking words! I got out of it by crying. It was a decision.

Sean: Yeah, my tear ducts discharged.

Jamie: Okay, yeah, I did just cry…

Sean: My tear ducts were discharged.

Jamie: I was having a rough go at it, but I told him that I didn’t have my insurance card, because I have my whole life packed up in my car. My little, um, Challenger. Um, he pulls me over, and I’ve got, like, just, gobs of bags and things.

Sean: What state.

Jamie: New Mexico. Yeah, it was like New Mexico or the end of Texas. And so, he gets pu to the window, and I can just feel the tears, just like sitting there.

Dick: So that’s you concocting your plan to cleverly get out of the ticket?

Jamie: No, I can just feel it coming up, you know? Like you can feel the throw up coming up, you know? So, I start looking for my insurance, and I can’t find it. I can’t find it. He gets the door, and I’m like, (Crying, hysterically) “So, I’m moving to Georgia, and, I can’t find my insurance! There’s all this stuff going on in my life, and…” Like ,I actually told him what was going on, and so, he was like, he’s looking at me like, “Okay. Okay.” And he just gave me a warning.

Dick: He’s thinking, “Lady, I have a job to get away from this. Alright. I’ll let you fucking pack it in. Why don’t you clean out your insurance cards?”

Jamie: I’ve never, like, tried to cry to get out of a ticket before. And that’s the first time I did it, and it was like, totally – I wasn’t trying to at all. I was just legitimately bawling my eyes out.

Dick: Now you get what all the rage is about. Can we go clean the insurance cards out of your car? After the show? Because that’s reprehensible.

Jamie: I’ll do it on om own.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Jamie: I don’t know If I want you to look in my car right now.

Dick: Yeah, other people snooping around your shit, it gives you a weird insecure feeling, doesn’t it?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Because they might find weird stuff, that you didn’t know you had in your private area, right? Yeah. How’s that for irony?

Caller #2: Hey, you know what makes me a rage? Click shaming. When you’re on a website, like you get a link to an article, and on this website, the entire article dims. And, instead, a thing pops up, and they ask you to sign up for their newsletter. And, the options are “yes, sign me up,” and then it’s like, “No, I don’t want to be healthy.” You know? “I’m not interested in picking up more women,” or other stupid bullshit. Like, you know, you could just go fuck yourself! I don’t need your fucking attitude in my life. The fact that you would do – when you read an article, it’s not bad enough that you’re getting in my way, trying to read this article, and that you’re serving me ads, and you’re begging me to sign up for your emails, but then you’re shaming me? “No, I don’t want to be healthy?” Those are the words you’re making me put in my mouth, just so I can decline this stupid fucking offer? Fuck you!

Sean: So loaded. It’s a loaded statement.

Jamie: It’s the same thing with apps. Like, when they’re trying to get you to rate their app. Like, “Are you enjoying Reddit app?” and then you either click yes, which will take you to review it, and “no, I’m not…”

Dick: “… I can’t wait for my mom to die.” Well, I guess yes. Congratulations, Reddit, you got a review out of me.

Caller #3: Hey Dick, there’s this…

Dick: I don’t mean that. I just want to be clear, that was a joke. That was an extreme scenario, that I absolutely don’t want. That’s why I said it. My mom’s great. Great woman. Got her Aladdin tickets for Christmas. I don’t think she was too crazy about it though. She wouldn’t be… god damnit, but Hamilton was just too much.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: There you go.

Caller #3: … phenomenon that’s been happening recently. It really makes me a rage. When these assholes who think they’re comedians. Instead of saying “bye,” they’ll just say, like, “see you next year.” Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Very funny!

(Dick and Sean are giggling like schoolgirls)

Caller #3: Original! I bet people enjoy your presence! Alright, Road Rage Chicago felt like a dream, man. Thanks, cheers.

Dick: Okay, C U Next Year… You fucking asshole.

Sean: Yeah.

Caller #4: The Dick Show, this is Andrew Oregon, leaving my first voicemail in a year. What makes me a rage, is people who cannot fill a magazine with cartridges to capacity. “It’s not similar to rounds,” or “they’re hard to put in there.” These are the same people who complain about Glocks. It’s like, uh, I really want to hang that nice picture on the wall. I really want to do that, but oh, honey, I can’t use this hammer, it’s just too ugly. It’s just not pretty enough, darling. Sorry, I can’t finish roofing the house, my, uh, staple gun is, uh, it’s just not good-looking enough. I need a nice, pretty tool.

Dick: No, that’s not it. Sean, do you know anything about guns?

Sean: I mean…

Dick: This company called Glock makes bricks, basically, that have triggers on them They’re impossible to hold in a hand.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And they’ve done a marketing campaign for people like Andrew to buy these guns, and say they’re good, except you can’t physically hold them.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: They might as well be like a… um, everlasting Gobstopper that you’re trying to hold. Might as well be a bean bag.

Sean: I thought he was talking about loading magazines.

Dick: Yeah. Secondly, because there’s a 10-round capacity on magazines in California, you have an 8-round clip.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Because it’s so – because you can’t – It’s so illegal to put 11 rounds in there, that the spring has to be pressed against the very bottom of the clip. So you can’t – if you go to the range, and want to, like, evenly split with your friend, shooting the bullets that cost a dollar a piece, and your fucking friend has these monster caveman thumbs, that can squish easily 10 rounds into a clip, you have to shred your slightly less extremely masculine thumbs by cramming the bullets in, or else they fuck you out of a round every single time.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Because of the 10-round magazine, that comfortable fits 8 bullets.

Sean: Hmm.

Dick: That’s why.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And Andrew, from Eugene Oregon is one of these guys that has genetically fucking steel thumbs! That doesn’t make you any more of a man, who can cram in 10 bullets every time! But, don’t play into the lawmakers’ game of shaming me, for not being able to fill up a magazine. I should have a magazine the length of my dick to cram bullets into! Very long, is what I’m saying. I should have a 3-foot magazine, the size of a fucking yard stick, that I shoot the entire 50 bullet box in!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I cram it all in at one time, and then I go shoot! Do not play into the lawmakers’ games and start shaming me for not being able to fill up a ridiculously short magazine. A ridiculously short magazine. Ridiculously short. 10 bullets. Have you ever had to load a magazine?

Sean: I’m sure that – I’ve been shooting a bunch of times when I was younger. I’m sure that I have.

Dick: And you shred the fuck out of your fingers! And it always – it barely gives! Like, you can almost squeeze it in, but then you fucking can’t Then, you remember that you’re working with bullets, so you probably shouldn’t be prying it in. Can’t possibly have 11. There would just be so many murders if it was comfortable to load a fucking magazine.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: There would be just way too many dead children on our hands. Fucking bullshit. And it’s bullshit… Is he around? Andrew? That is absolute bullshit. Big foul! Dude.

Sean: Big foul, dude!

Dick: Big foul.

Sean: His 2018 is not starting off well.

Dick: I FUCKING hate it when I count it out in my head! 8, oh here comes the bullshit! Here comes the bullshit! Here comes Dianna Feinstein with her strap-on, fucking me from behind while I’m at the range! Coach, one-handed, he’s loading fucking magazines. Here’s me, okay everyone, please avert your eyes and look away while I try to cram 2 more bullets into this 10-round magazine. Don’t look at me in the eyes while I’m doing this, because it’s embarrassing.

Caller #5: Hey, Dick. You know what makes me a rage is white people who adopt their kids. I’m at the gym earlier today, it’s group workout day, so, I’m working out with this older white lady, and, uh, I’m a young man, so, I can go a little faster than her. And it’s fine, I finish my bit, and she finishes hers. She takes a break, and I clean up her stuff, and ask her, and she starts apologizing to me about, you know, how slow she was going, and it’s perfectly fine. I don’t care. I’m just here to work out. And I said, “No, no, really, it’s okay. It was fun working out with you.” And she’s like, “Oh, you say that, but I know how you types are.” So, I say, “What do you mean you types? That’s just racist.” You know, kinda jokingly. She says, “I can’t be racist, my kids are black.” Yeah, that doesn’t excuse you from being a presumptuous bitch. I’m just trying to be nice to you. I liked working out with you. That’s the end of it. Why are you trying to make me feel bad?

Dick: I don’t know anybody who has adopted, not their race of kids. Seems like impossible to ignore, though.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh. Interesting. I guess I just know Angelina Jolie, who’s done it. And she seems like a piece of shit. Brad Pitt. He seems cool. He seems like he’s made some bad decisions, though. Like, if I was his friend, I’d tell him, “ah, man, c’mon. That butch is crazy.”

Sean: I don know a girl. She’s born in Bangladesh, she was adopted by, like, extremely white people from Michigan. Like as an infant. So, she has this little Indian or Bangladeshi looking girl, with this hard Michigan accent that “Eh!” And she goes crazy with Red Wings hockey. It’s just the fucking funniest thing to see ever.

Dick: Uh, Coach’s sister is adopted.

Sean: Yeah. She’s Asian, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, she’s adopted. And she just talks like a… You know, California white girl. And her dad has all this Asian stuff all around the house.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: He walks around in a kimono. With, like, his hair pulled back. In a samurai bun.

Sean: Coach’s dad is cool.

Dick: Yeah, and he tapes his eyes. When people call him on it, he’s like “I adopted an Asian.”

Sean: Right. I can totally be Micky Rooney.

Dick: He takes the tape off and goes, “I adopted an Asian child, I’m not racist at all!” And you’re like, “okay, okay.” Then he puts the tape back on.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I’m just kidding about all that stuff. Uh… Jamie, here’s some voicemails for you. You got some voicemails.

Caller #5: Her, it’s ChaosCowboy from Reddit. Oh. I was listening to the show, Jamie Lynn Hughes, hates on modern music while she’s born in the wrong generation. Is that it? What a millennial thing to say. Alright, that’s all I had.

Dick: Very millennial thing to say. I don’t ever say that shit. Me and the Gen X kids just say, “You know what, I hate it all, and I hate that you’re looking at me and talking to me. Don’t fucking look at me.” That’s Gen X. Millennials are all like, “I’m like born in the wrong decade, and this art doesn’t express me correctly.”

Sean: “Because I’m an old soul.”

Dick: “Old soul!” Ah… Here’s another one. I think this guy – this guy wants to compliment you.

Caller #6: Hey, it’s Cowboy, from Reddit again. Jamie Lynn Hughes doesn’t remember playing smear the queer? Because she didn’t play it? Uh… Again, that’s a millennial thing. Such a millennial. She’s like, the prototypical millennial.

Jamie: Oh my god!!!

Dick: Okay, here’s another one.

Caller #7: Jamie, Jamie, how dare you say no one gives a fuck about Alabama? They’re 11-1! You didn’t even watch the damn game! They lost the Iron Bowl, and they still made the play-offs. Play-offs? Now they’re playing in the Sugar Bowl against Clemson, and if they win, they’re gonna be playing for another school championship. Everybody gives a fuck about Alabama! I mean, fuck, Nick Steven got like , what? 10,000 votes to be the new senator? Everyone loves Alabama!

Dick: Everyone loves Alabama. You know what people haven’t heard of? Texas.

Jamie: Oh, here we go!

Dick: Oh, here’s Facebook News!

Sean: Oh yeah?

Dick: Yeah, I got some stuff from Hazencruz too.

Sean: Cool.

Dick: Uh… Let me play Hazencruz’s thing, first.

Sean: Anything I’m gonna have to bleep?

(Dick starts the bit)

Hazencruz: Hi, Bill Nye here with your Dick show NYE resolutions. Get it? Because NYW spelled nigh, and it’s also an abbreviation for New Years Eve. It’s funny, like my new show on Netflix. (Crickets) The new Year is nigh, so let’s jump right in. NYE resolution #1: Let’s end global warming next year. All we really need to do is make some Reddit posts and have some factories in China run with cleaner energy. Resolution #2: Let’s all finally admit that there’s more to human-kind than just male and female. There’s zim’s and zer’s and demi-girls, oh my. The human spectrum is much more complicated than we once thought back when I was making my old show, so let’s embrace the change that Tumblr’s forcing down our throats. Put it in all our shows. Lastly, resolution #3: Let’s get more women into the STEM field. Girls don’t normally choose STEM jobs, so it’s up to us as men to force that change onto them by getting them an abacus instead of flowers for valentines day. We’ve gotta force our daughters to stay home and do math instead of going out on the weekends and having fun instead of doing sleepovers. It will turn out great guys. Maybe we’ll even have a Jill Nye someday. (Crickets.) Well that’s all for now. Now get out there and save the world next year!

(The bit ends)

Dick: Okay, thanks Bill Nye. I’ll give you an abacus for Valentine’s day. TI-85 calculator, I’m gonna give you. Alright, Facebook news.

(Dick starts the news bit)

Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple of days. In a special holiday edition of The Dick Show Facebook group news, many Dickheads share their holiday cheer with everyone, Like Zakk Daubenmire who sought advice on whether or not to make small-talk to avoid a person he actively hates. Beating his ass wasn’t an option, because apparently this guy has kids. When asked why he hates this guy, Zakk said it’s because he’s the commissioner of a golf league, and he kicked him out of the golf league for throwing clubs, an accusation that Zakk denies. He also says this guy ran an unemployment benefits operation for the latter half of 8 years and that he’s a piece of shit. It’s worth mentioning Zakk received no advice on his post as p[people were significantly more interested in the unemployment scheme. Next up is Robert Hannick who said his brother decided to come out as non-binary this Christmas. Rob’s dad said that isn’t a real thing, and his non-binary brother proceeded to throw a fit and leave the house. Rob said he wouldn’t give a shit if he ever sees his brother again because this is the 10th holiday in 4 years that he has made his mother cry. Our last story comes from Wesley Bison, who decided to eat an edible. The problem is, Wesley ate an entire cake without reading the measurements or instructions for that matter. Wesley consumed nearly 2000mg of THC. Rookie numbers compared to Sean, but catastrophic for most people. Wesley said he went completely insane, and it was the single most painful experience of his entire life. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple of days.

(The news bit ends)

Jamie: Oh, that poor man.

Dick: Thank you, Captain Jackass.

Jamie: I’ve had a bad – a couple of bad nights with too much weed, and I can… It makes me uncomfortable just hearing that he did that.

Dick: What were your bad nights with too much weed?

Jamie: Getting very paranoid.

Dick: Oh.

Jamie: Yes.

Sean: Edibles?

Jamie: No, just like, regular… Yeah.

Sean: At least it’s over fairly quickly.

Jamie: It doesn’t feel that way.

Sean: No, no. It doesn’t.

Dick: My dad had a – I got a couple of too much edible story. Uh, my dad tried to make brownies one time, but he didn’t know how to do it recently, whe it started getting legalized. Um… And, he threw a whole bag into the brownies…

Sean: He didn’t know like, to do it in the butter and stuff?

Dick: The, because he’s a sugar man, he took the bowl back, and licked the bowl and the beaters, because that was like his, you know, because my mom wasn’t around. So he was like, “oh yeah, here we go. I’m gonna fucking eat all this – all this batter!” Forgetting that the batter was also loaded.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right? So, he was out, he was like, “Yeah, I had all this yard work I was going to do, but I started feeling really weird.

Sean: Yeah, I’ll bet. I bet the brownies didn’t get baked either.

Dick:”I didn’t even want them. I just sat on the couch, fell asleep at like 3.”

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: There was another part of that story that I thought was funny. And that was that it was somebody else’s weed.

Dick: Yeah. It wasn’t his.

Jamie: So, somebody shows up with…

Sean: Was it yours?

Dick: No.

Sean: Paying him back for the underwear?

Dick: Wasn’t mine. Um… Let’s see… I gotta end on a sad note. Bummer ending. We lost a Dickhead in the Facebook group over Christmas.

Sean: You mean like lost lost?

Dick: Yeah, gone.

Sean: Oh, shit!

Dick: Um… It really fucking sucks. Really cute girl, uh, Julianne Greenberg. Um… It’s real, it’s not a joke.

Sean: No, I wouldn’t think you’d be joking.

Dick: Well, in the Facebook group, they like to…

Sean: I know.

Dick: Um…

Sean: Was it like an… Expected thing?

Dick: No, no. I don’t know. I haven’t – I don’t know very much about it. Uh… I would guess – I would think it’s some kind of overdose thing. But, I don’t know. Um… Dustin started a fund to send some flowers, um… But I don’t know if – I don’t know what’s going on with it. If you’re in the Facebook group, I’ll post a link… He closed it?

Jamie: It went way above what the expected… So, the biggest pot of flowers they could send was, like, $300 and some change. And they doubled it. So, he went ahead and closed it, so now they’re trying to figure out what to do with the rest, because her boyfriend is in the group, and…

Dick: Alex.

Jamie: Yeah, Alex.

Dick: It really fucking sucks, because she was cute.

Jamie: Yeah…

Dick: You know?... (Louder) You know? Gets worse!... Sean?

Sean: Oh god.

Jamie: And so, I don’t think he’s too thrilled with her family.

Dick: That’s what I get out of it too.

Jamie: Yeah, and so they’re trying to figure out what they could do with the rest of it that’s not just sending it to her family. So…

Dick: Give it to him!

Jamie: Yeah… They’re trying to figure out what they can do.

Dick: I read a bunch of posts about it. Um, I read one from him that says he’s just been drinking a lot and playing Mass Effect 3 multiplayer. A lot of people are still playing it. That game came out in, like, 2012. So, maybe the guy needs a Switch?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Or an Xbox One X, perhaps? With the leftover money.

Jamie: It was a little, um, weirdly poetic, but also awkward. I dunno. Depends on how Alex feels about it, but all the unironic F’s to pay respects…

Dick: Oh, yeah. It fucking sucks. I got the news when I was at Primus. I was like, “Ah, fuck, man. I know – I recognize her name instantly. I recognize her face on all the fucking posts. She always had nutty posts. Um… Like relationship… TMI posts about their relationship, and I was like, “oh, yeah. Here we go. I want to see what’s going on here.”

Sean: They’re young, I assume.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah… Uh… Sucks. So, whatever Dustin’s doing with that, I hope he gets something out of it. Um, I mean, I understand that flowers is the thing to do, but, fuck man. That’s expensive flowers. Uh… He’s probably got some bills that they could take care of.

Sean: Who, Alex?

Dick: Yeah. Um… Anyway, C U Next Tuesday. Be careful. Watch out for those – stay on top of it. Stay on top of your drugs.