The Dick Show

Episode 85 – Dick on Do-Overs

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Justin Rupple, Mr. Fancypants, Asterios Kokkinos

Sean: Everybody's levels all right?

Dick: Yeah, mine are fantastic. I've never had such great levels in my life.

Sean: I'm so happy for all of us. (singing)

Dick: Yeah! Welcome to Dick. You want Dick. You need Dick. You love Dick. You got it. It's the show where everything is a lawsuit, every fucking waking moment of the show is a lawsuit. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, the $20 Million Man. With me, as always, Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello, Dick. Good morning.

Dick: Hey, what's up buddy? Good morning, is it?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Is it a good morning?

Sean: It's getting better for me.

Dick: You know, we have this deal. We have a deal. we have a pact with the lord-

Sean: Oh.

Dick: ... where we go to sleep, and then the next day, you wake up and it's a new day. That's how the pact works. You start over. Your brain starts over. It reprocesses things. It defrags itself. It gets rid of all the ... It re-remembers the shitty stuff you did as good things that you did. You get a fresh start. You get a do-over. Every day is a do-over. That's what I've always said, except, except when you wake up drunk. That is a short-circuit of the pact. It's bullshit. When you wake up drunk, drinking, you carry the last day into the new day.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's fucking bullshit.

Sean: It's the worst Groundhog Day on Earth.

Dick: It's the worst Groundhog's Day on Earth, and there's nothing you can do to get rid of it.

Sean: There is.

Dick: There should be. What can you do to get rid of it?

Sean: You have to keep drinking.

Dick: Which I'm doing right now.

Sean: There you ... Attaboy.

Dick: But it's fucking bullshit, every single fucking time.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's bullshit.

Sean: And I-

Dick: Every time, it sneaks up on me, too. Like, you'd think I've been doing it for god knows how long, 20 years, I'd learn that at this point, you're going to wake up drunk, you dumb motherfucker. You don't need any more drinks. You don't need any more drinks. Look, first of all, if you're ordering more drinks as an excuse that maybe this time you're going to nut up and talk to the waitress, you're fucking not.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You haven't done it eight times already, you're not going to talk to the waitress this time.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Stop. Just stop drinking.

Sean: Yeah, there is-

Dick: Stop fucking drink ... Fuck the date rape straws. I need a glass that tells me I've had too much to fucking drink, because I put my lips on it and it says, "Motherfucker, you are too drunk to drink. You're too drunk to drink. You need to drive home."

Sean: See, liquor completely obliterates the concept of a future you.

Dick: Oh, man.

Sean: You know, you say like, "Oh, no. Things will just work out. Oh, fuck him. Fuck him. I'll be fine in the morning."

Dick: No, liquor lets me know how much I hate future me.

Sean: Right.

Dick: A lot.

Sean: Right. "I'm going to punish his fucking ass."

Dick: Fucking hate ... I can't hit him, because he's through the veil of time, like that Harry Potter curtain where you walk in and you're dead. I can't hit him, because he's in the future, but I'm ... Did you read Harry Potter?

Sean: I did not.

Dick: Don't ever read it.

Sean: I've seen-

Dick: It's terrible.

Sean: I think I've seen maybe half of the movies over the years.

Dick: Harry Potter is what magic would be if women were in charge of magic.

Sean: Aren't women in charge of magic?

Dick: Yes.

Sean: I mean, it's like de facto-

Dick: If there was real magic, that's what women would do to ... Magic is not safe for women.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Because if magic was real, it would be awesome, what's spell one? How do I make my dick bigger? Cool. All right, spell number two. Don't need it.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Don't need any more of this shit, actually.

Sean: Yeah. Spell one takes care of the rest of your life, right?

Dick: Yeah, spell number two, how do I make women, you know, love me?

Sean: See spell number one.

Dick: Yeah, "Oh, you can't do that." What's the point of all this shit, then? "Well, you could make a spell where a guy is tickled so much that he falls over." I don't care. I don't want to know this shit. If there was real magic, people wouldn't do it, because they're too lazy.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: What do you think about that, Sean? If there was real-

Sean: I don't know.

Dick: If there was real magic, people, they'd be like, "Ah, yeah, I'm going to get around to it. Yeah, I'm going to learn some magic spells."

Sean: Well, you know what? I believe that, actually.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Because there are things that are similar to real magic, or things the you could just do that maybe even could impact your life like real magic, and people would just like, "Yeah, I'll get to it someday."

Dick: Losing weight.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, man.

Sean: When you talk about a life changer, right?

Dick: Yeah, what if-

Sean: I mean, if you're morbidly obese and you lose weight, that almost is magic.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's fucking hard, but magic would probably be hard, too.

Dick: Yeah. I don't know what ... This conversation always stuck out to me. Coach was talking about ... He was showing off in front of his wife, I think.

Sean: Yeah, was bear spray involved?

Dick: Yeah, he was like ... Before they were married, he was like, "Like, what if you could ... What if people could fly? Like, what if you had to learn how to do it?" And I'm like, "Well, what if you had to lose like 100 pounds to do that? Would you still do it? Because there would be people who would just be too fat to fly."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's people, man.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: All right, I got a lawsuit ... I got nothing but lawsuits on the brain.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Nothing but fucking lawsuits on the brain, and I'm trying-

Sean: I don't know if anybody does.

Dick: ... my fucking ass off to not just be a lawsuit all the time. I was out with Kian last night. I think I did a shitty job of-

Sean: This explains everything.

Dick: This is why I'm drunk, yeah.

Sean: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Because that guy-

Sean: "You should see the other guy."

Dick: He drinks like a fucking tank. He's unstoppable.

Sean: Did you see the size of that guy?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He's like ... Kian is like a different kind of guy. Like, he's the Ubermensch, you know?

Sean: Uh-huh (affirmative).

Dick: Like, he's just genetically better than us, I think. Just the size of him, and the intelligence of him, the hair of him. He's just like a better man.

Sean: Yeah, he's pretty cool.

Dick: And I try to show off by just drinking a lot, because that's cool.

Sean: Yeah, and it's something you can do.

Dick: It's something I can do, right?

Sean: Yeah, for sure.

Dick: I can't do everything else. I can't be a lawyer.

Sean: You're the Ubermensch of drunks, yeah.

Dick: But I could drink, and I could drink anybody, anybody ... I could out-drink anybody on the face of the Earth, with ... Because I do it with style.

Sean: That's true, yeah. That's true.

Dick: You know? I'll throw out [inaudible 00:06:45]. Somebody'll be like, "Motherfucker's throwing out Raiders of the Lost Ark quotes and he can't even walk. What a fuck ... That's a supervillain of drinking."

Sean: Yeah. I remember you had a Captain Jack Sparrow phase.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Everything turned into a pirate accent at one point.

Dick: Yeah, just like wobble around.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But god, I think I've ... You know what the thing is with ... It never gets ... Hitting on women, even for other guys, never gets easier, never gets easier. I think I fucked up Kian's deal with this waitress he was trying to talk to last night.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. Because I got-

Sean: By being so charming?

Dick: I got the, "I have a boyfriend" line, and I was like, "Bitch, I'm not even hitting on you. I'm hitting on you for someone else. You can't give me that."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Don't give me that boyfriend shit."

Sean: "See, I don't think you ... Bitch, I don't think you understand the dynamic."

Dick: "Bitch, I don't think you understand, here. I'm not hitting on you. It's for someone else. Don't give me-"

Sean: "No, no. Bitch, you're misunderstanding me." Is that how it goes?

Dick: "Bitch, listen to me."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Look, magic is not safe for women. Did I mention that?

Sean: Magic is not safe for women, yeah.

Dick: Harry Potter, it's all like committees, and going to school.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's completely stupid.

Sean: Yeah, like I said, never read the books, saw about half of the movies. I get it.

Dick: You know what else is fucked? This tangerine beer that Coach gets. He comes over. We did this Dick-tation with ... This isn't a tangerine beer, because I sent the other one back.

Sean: What did the waitress have to say?

Dick: No, not much.

Sean: Not much?

Dick: No.

Sean: [crosstalk 00:08:25]

Dick: He comes over and gets these landmines. Like, he stocks up on weirdo fruit beers. Like, they're dessert beers for him, I think. I think I've got his number.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: He comes over and he gets the meat beer, he gets an aperitif beer, and then he gets a dessert beer, and the dessert beer is always some tangerine mess. Like, a fruit mess. He gets like a fruit punch IPA.

Sean: Oh, god.

Dick: It's disgusting. But then he always plows through the first meals, the first whatever rounds. What are they called, when you have meals? First courses. He plows through the first courses ... Mr. Fancypants is here in the studio, also.

Fancypants: Hey, how's it going?

Dick: Probably going to plug his book.

Fancypants: No, I'm not.

Dick: You don't want to plug your book?

Fancypants: Oh, no. Not at all.

Dick: You don't want to tell us what your book is ... try to tell us what your book is about again?

Fancypants: It's impossible.

Sean: Pull that mic a little closer.

Fancypants: How's that?

Dick: Get on the fucking mic. I'm going to get a big sign-

Sean: I didn't set him up.

Dick: I'm going to get a big sign, a big neon sign in the studio that says, "Get on the fucking mic!" It's going to be a loop that says, "Get on the fucking mic! Get on the fucking mic!" Just that over and over again. Welcome to the studio, Mr. Fancypants. How you doing?

Fancypants: Hey. Good, how are you doing?

Dick: Okay, good.

Fancypants: Is that better, Sean?

Sean: Yeah, it sounds great.

Dick: [crosstalk 00:09:37] It's much better. It sounds good.

Sean: With your-

Dick: Don't ask sarcastically, because you were doing it incorrectly.

Fancypants: That wasn't sarcastic.

Dick: Yeah, it sounded-

Sean: You can't tell.

Dick: ... a little bit sarcastic.

Fancypants: Everything I say sounds sarcastic.

Dick: But when you spit it ... When you put a little stink on the end of it, like you did.

Fancypants: "Sean"?

Dick: "Is that better, Sean?"

Fancypants: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Now it's an issue.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Now we have to escalate things-

Fancypants: Well someone was yelling at me, so I was-

Dick: Who?

Fancypants: You.

Dick: This is my normal speaking voice-

Sean: True.

Dick: ... Mr. Fancypants. When I'm yelling, you'll know it. All right.

Fancypants: I'm going to try this tangerine beer. Is it absolutely horrible? Okay.

Dick: You tell me.

Sean: There's a lot of nods, off camera nods.

Dick: On a scale of one to your book, how bad is it?

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. No, the book was good, right?

Fancypants: Oh. Oh, that's-

Dick: Somebody sent in a review of it.

Fancypants: Oh, did they?

Dick: Yeah.

Fancypants: Was it rough, or good, or terrible?

Dick: I don't know, I didn't read it. I was saving it to read in front of you.

Fancypants: Oh, god. That's-

Dick: That's what I do.

Fancypants: Perfect.

Dick: Oh my god. All right.

Fancypants: I hope it's scathing.

Dick: Yeah, I think it probably is scathing.

Fancypants: Okay.

Sean: I doubt it. I bet it's not.

Dick: It's probably worse. It's probably accurate.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: What?

Sean: No, I was going to say it's probably not scathing.

Dick: Yeah, I know. It's probably, like, "Well, you know, it had some good points and then it-"

Sean: Oh, yeah, worse as far as entertainment value goes?

Dick: It's probably, like, very accurate.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: That's the worst-

Sean: The worst kind of-

Dick: Oh, man.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The worst thing you can read is something that's very accurate, and you're just like, "Oh, I'm just going to close the computer and go hang around outside, and like kick-"

Sean: I see, yeah.

Dick: "I'm going to go in my driveway and kick some gravel around. That guy's pretty right about me."

Fancypants: See, if you're saying that, it's bad, because I'm more sensitive than you are.

Dick: I'm telling you, man. There is a worse thing to be than bad, and that is true.

Sean: Accurate.

Dick: Like, there's no feeling ... You don't get that in your life because either you have somebody buttering you up for bullshit, like wanting your penis, wanting to get your chi out of you, women I'm talking about.

Sean: Your essence.

Dick: Yeah, or the same women screaming at you. There's never an in-between, where some ... Doing things on the internet, doing anything, putting anything out is like suddenly turning the entire internet into your dad, where they all just have very accurate, very accurate descriptions of who you are, and what you're doing, and why you did what you did, and what your thing is all about, and where it could have been better.

Fancypants: Yeah, that's probably true. I feel like honesty is probably the thing we use the least.

Dick: It's the worst. Honesty is the worst thing, man. It is the absolute worst thing. It's a sick compulsion that should be vilified, like all the other primitive compulsions we have, fornicating, murder, every other vice. Honesty belongs on that list.

Fancypants: On that list.

Dick: I 100% agree with that, and everything that we've developed as a species is to combat honesty.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: It's the sick need we have to keep it 100, as Denzel would say in his young person dialect. All right.

Sean: Denzel.

Dick: I made Dickels this week.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I'm going to put them up.

Sean: Sweet.

Dick: I'm going to put them up, but probably by the time this launches, I'm going to have Dickels up.

Sean: Cool.

Dick: But I don't want to say what the URL is, because then everyone will go hack it before I lock it down.

Sean: Yeah, don't say anything like that.

Dick: But there's going to be Dickels. This week, this is the year of the Dickel.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Oh, I made some furniture-

Sean: Will you put that away?

Dick: I can't stop ... The dildo, I can't stop touching it!

Sean: Ugh.

Dick: The size of it! You want to hold it?

Fancypants: No, I'm good.

Dick: Randy's here, too.

Sean: He is.

Dick: I was drinking with Randy last night, too.

Sean: Oh, really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: See, he looks pretty good.

Dick: It's because he's-

Sean: He looks like he has, you know, some modicum of self-control there, in his ...

Dick: Yeah, why do you look-

Sean: No?

Dick: Why are you so good? Why do you look good?

Fancypants: You drank all his beers.

Randy: I just drank a lot of water before-

Dick: You just drank a lot of water.

Sean: Oh, see-

Dick: God, I fucking ... Ah, I fucking hate that!

Sean: His fucking disciprine.

Dick: Yeah. "Oh, you got to drink water." Really? Thanks for the fucking ... How much do I owe you?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Those are my new slogans of 2018, "How much do I owe you?" and, "Thank you for your service."

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: Like, I'll read ... I read these comments on the internet that drive me fucking ... And I know this is a universal problem and it's not just me, because I see my fucking dad going on like senators' Facebooks and leaving trolling ... Like, I'll see my dad ... I'll be scrolling on the book, on the Facebook, and I'll see my fucking dad's face pop up, and it's like, "Oh, Kamala Harris says this this," or what's her name? Whoever the ... Maxine Waters. Is that a woman?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Is it a congresswoman?

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: Yeah, I'll see her, and then I'll see like first comment, my dad, and then it starts with a ... I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here he goes. Here he goes with some weird ..."

Sean: Offshoot?

Fancypants: Tangential.

Sean: Tan-gentle.

Dick: Unrelated bullshit. So I know it's a big problem for everybody, but that's all I'm doing now. Instead of a big, asshole response to what you're saying, I just go, "Thank you for your service."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Thank you."

Sean: Like ...

Dick: "Thank you for serving democracy with your dissenting opinion. Thank you."

Sean: Yeah, right. No, there's-

Dick: "Thank you," right?

Sean: There's some sarcasm.

Dick: There's some ... And the other one is ... What did I say the other one was? "Thank you for your service," and-

Sean: And, "How much do I owe you?"

Dick: "How much do I owe you for that one?"

Sean: Right.

Dick: "Well, you got to drink some water." God, how much do I owe you? How much do you value that opinion?

Sean: Right, right, right.

Dick: I know I had something to rage ... So I was building some furniture with my father, slot furniture.

Sean: Slot furniture?

Dick: Yeah, slot furniture.

Sean: I'm not sure I know what that is.

Fancypants: Wait, what's that? I don't know what that is.

Dick: No screws. No screws.

Fancypants: No?

Sean: And Mr. Fancypants-

Dick: [crosstalk 00:15:34]

Sean: Okay, he knows a lot about this kind of stuff, actually, so if he's asking-

Dick: No, he doesn't know shit. What do you know about building furniture?

Fancypants: Are we talking about like Ikea stuff, here, or what-

Dick: Shut up.

Fancypants: ... are you talking about?

Dick: What do you know about building furniture? Have you ever built a furniture with your bare hands?

Sean: Probably.

Dick: Probably not.

Fancypants: What type of ... Well, I've done Ikea stuff.

Dick: Slot ... Ikea stuff is not.

Fancypants: That doesn't count.

Dick: That's like LEGOs for women.

Sean: Thanks for making me look like an asshole, asshole.

Dick: Ikea furniture, yeah. What do you think this guy does? He's like a lumber-

Sean: You've seen this guy do like fucking tile work, and-

Fancypants: Yeah, yeah.

Sean: ... like, hardscape-

Dick: You do tile work?

Sean: ... and all that kind of shit?

Fancypants: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, every-

Dick: What do you mean?

Sean: No, this guy, he knows what the fuck he's doing.

Fancypants: We put together-

Dick: What do you do?

Fancypants: [crosstalk 00:16:09]

Dick: Get on the mic. Get on that fucking mic.

Fancypants: Oh, sorry.

Sean: He's fine. He's fine.

Fancypants: I need you to yell. No, we did my whole backyard, like all the hardscape, everything.

Dick: Who's we?

Fancypants: Me and my dad.

Dick: Oh. You guys did tile work and stuff like that?

Fancypants: Well, I've done tile ... Yeah, I've tiled bathrooms, that sort of stuff.

Dick: Brick work?

Fancypants: Brick work, yeah.

Dick: Yeah?

Fancypants: Slumpstone, that sort of stuff.

Dick: Slumpstone?

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Ooh.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: What else? What else you do? You ever built stairs?

Fancypants: No. Why would I ... Stairs? Oh, no, I haven't done that.

Dick: Oh, you haven't lived until you built stairs.

Fancypants: It's fun? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. All right, I was building some slot furniture. It's just plywood furniture that's easily disassembled, right?

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: You see it all over. It's basically like ... You know those little stand-up dudes, the little paper dolls or whatever, and then they have a slot in the bottom where you turn another thing and stick it in so they stand up?

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: So it's like a little X?

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: X marks the spot.

Sean: Got a little base.

Dick: It's furniture constructed entirely on that principle.

Fancypants: This doesn't sound sturdy at all.

Sean: No, I was ... Yeah.

Dick: Oh, man. You guys are about to get stumped so fucking ... I went up to my dad's ... to my parent's place, because he's got all the bandsaws and all the equipment, because no one will buy it for me for Christmas or my birthday. They buy me fucking shoes.

Sean: You mean they don't want you having a bandsaw?

Dick: No.

Sean: And tangerine beer in the fridge?

Dick: No, they don't want me to have nice stuff.

Sean: Two great ideas that are even better together?

Dick: So I go up there because they got all the sawing equipment.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Same fucking reaction. "Hey, I'm going to build this slot furniture." My dad, "Well, where's the screws go?" "No screws. There will be no screws." "Well, okay, but I'm just going to ... You just need a couple screws, right? I get it. I get what you're going for." And I said, "You know what, man? I don't even care about what you're telling me right now." There was a point in my life where I'd really feel the need to defend myself, but I am the fucking fountainhead now. I don't care. "I'm building this slot furniture. I'm building this slot furniture for my electric piano, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Sean: Oh, it's your slot furniture.

Dick: It's my slot furniture, that I built with a piece of plywood.

Sean: Well, then you build it the way you want to build it.

Dick: That's not the world, though, Sean. It's whatever you want to do, there's always people trying to tear it apart.

Sean: I know.

Dick: And rip into it.

Sean: I know.

Dick: And suggest it. I got my dad in one ear, saying, "Well, we're just going to put some screws in it. We're going to sturdy it up a little bit," and I said, "Motherfucker, this is the plan that I have developed. I've thought of it. I laid it all out on this piece of paper. I got the motherfucker at Lowe's to cut it all out. This is what I'm doing. I'm not deviating this ..." Then I got my mom on the other ear, "We're just going to stain it. How about, just put a little stain on it. Son, it's going to really bring out that wood if you put some stain on it." "I'm not staining it. I'm painting fucked up things on it."

Sean: Your mom sounds like Jack McBrayer. Is that Kenneth from-

Fancypants: Yeah, from 30 Rock?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You know what? She doesn't sound like that in real life. She sounds like Peter Griffin.

Sean: Oh. "Yeah, we're just going to stain it, son?"

Dick: "Going to stain it, son. Dick, Dick, Dick, what are you doing?"

Fancypants: So how many pieces is this thing, then, if it's-

Dick: Four. It's four pieces.

Fancypants: Okay.

Dick: And you know what? I built it. I built it, and they were nay-saying me the whole time, and then I put it together, and that thing is solid as a fucking rock. It cannot be fucking moved. Justin, come on in. Please, sit down. Sit down.

Justin: How's it going?

Dick: It can't be ... It's the most solid thing. You could hit it with a car. Your car would get fucked up, Mr. Fancypants.

Fancypants: I know what we're doing after this.

Dick: What do you think about that? The Rupps.

Justin: What's up?

Dick: I'm going to brighten you up. I forgot to turn on this light.

Justin: Cool. How's the morning going?

Dick: Oh, it's bad. The morning is going ... The morning is going how the night went.

Justin: Oh, jeez.

Dick: Which is drunk.

Justin: Oh, well-

Dick: And nonsensical.

Justin: Isn't that the point of getting drunk?

Dick: The point of getting drunk is to put an end on the night, but when you wake up still drunk, you can't be fooled again. That's what I'm saying.

Justin: "Fool me once."

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah. "I'm still drunk. I think that's what's happening."

Dick: All right, I've had a lot of requests for you to come back on.

Justin: I'm sure.

Dick: Everybody really loved you.

Justin: Oh, for the impressions? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: No, for just you.

Justin: Oh.

Dick: And it's all chicks. For example, Jamie Lynn Hughes right there.

Justin: Hi.

Dick: Every fucking week, "When are you going to have that guy, what was his name?" Like, you fucking know his name. Don't pretend that you didn't.

Sean: You know what? He was on ... I mean, right after we started doing them from the bunker, I think. This was a long time ago, you were here last.

Justin: Yeah, it was a minute ago. It was at least a year or so ago, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Good times.

Dick: I actually, because of you, I know which people on the Reddit are girls, that are fans of this show.

Sean: Aha. Okay.

Dick: Because usually you don't know, and you kind of try to suss them out, but you don't want to ask, because then you lose. Like, if you ask a guy that-

Justin: Yeah. Okay. Listen, I'm glad to be of service, and that's the service-

Dick: Servicing ...

Justin: Uh-huh (affirmative), it's servicing, yeah. Exactly.

Dick: Check out this wiggly dildo that we have.

Justin: You know, at least as a man, you know that you're like, "Listen, if someones that big, it doesn't stand on its own accord," you know? Like, the weight of it, the weight of the responsibility of a dick that size, it just ... It's like ...

Dick: It's like Spider-Man.

Justin: You know?

Dick: With great dick comes great responsibility.

Justin: Yeah, and the responsibility is not being held. It's just, that's just ... That's like an antenna on a 1970s car. That's like a Datsun antenna.

Fancypants: Well, the amount of blood that would require is-

Justin: I'm assuming he would lose consciousness.

Sean: More than the human body holds, right?

Fancypants: Yeah. Yeah.

Justin: Listen. Listen, listen. "I can fuck you, or I could pass out. It's one of the two, or both," so ... It's very impressive.

Dick: If I had a dick like this, I would never drink again.

Justin: If everyone had a dick like this, there wouldn't be wars.

Dick: Yeah, see?

Justin: That's the end of it.

Dick: This is the ... That's what I'm talking about with Harry Potter. If it was a realistic book, it would just be, "Oh, yeah, chapter one. Everyone had a dick this size. The end, and Voldemort didn't give a fuck, and why couldn't he grow his nose back if he had magic?"

Fancypants: I feel like it'd become an arms race at that point, though. Then they'd keep getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger-

Justin: Everyone would be as big as an arm.

Fancypants: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Justin: That's right. Yeah, exactly.

Dick: It would be like robot jocks, where we'd send out our biggest dick guy, and Russia would send out their biggest dick guy, and they would do like the haka, you know? Oh, god, we're all gay.

Justin: Once plastic surgery gets good enough, that will be the end of war. They'd be like, "Listen, we all get a 15 inch dick, and that's it," and then they'd be like, "We all have it? Oh, yeah. Let's have a beer or something. I don't know. Basically, that's it."

Dick: I think we've talked about that, like what would happen if there was nanobots, and everybody was as good looking at Justin and Sean, Justin Rupple and Sean, and all the women were as hot as Layc and Jamie Lynn Hughes. Like, what would happen in that world?

Justin: It'd be the end of humanity. No one would fuck each other ever again.

Dick: They would just be home, masturbating?

Justin: Yeah, they'd just be looking in mirrors, just like, "I could do this any day," you know? Like, that's got to be what's going to happen. Cut forward like 600 years, everybody gets to pick exactly what they look like, everybody's going to be like, "You're hot. I'm hot. Who cares?" You know? Like, that's the end of it.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: The whole point of having ... You always try to be better, and if everybody is exactly the same, you're going to be in serious trouble.

Fancypants: Yeah, Instagram's going to suck.

Dick: Would it be what your parents thought was-

Sean: That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. It's absolutely true, too.

Dick: A society of supermodels, a society of the [inaudible 00:23:53]?

Sean: Well anytime you get ... When everybody gets exactly what they want, that is hell, right?

Dick: No, I think that the magic of the brain is being able to find a problem with everything.

Justin: That's right.

Sean: Well-

Dick: Because it'd be like what your parents picked as the hottest thing in the world, like, "My fucking eyes aren't as blue. They gave me this stupid butt-chin," and you'd have like six chicks that are there like, "No, it's great."

Sean: So it's all just about resenting your parents?

Dick: That's all life is.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Life is all about resenting your parents.

Sean: That's a lot of it.

Dick: It's the meaning of fucking life-

Sean: That's a lot of it.

Dick: ... that you just fucking discovered, Sean.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You know what? It's absolutely fucking ... No, let me tell you something. Let me tell you how fucking true that is.

Sean: Oh, no. I know how true that is.

Dick: I got fucking ... I got roasted. I got hoisted by my own petard for the first time ever.

Sean: I thought you weren't going to say that word anymore. Oh, I'm sorry.

Dick: What?

Sean: That was a really bad pun.

Dick: Oh, retard?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: God damn, you are really ... You are zinging in multiple dimensions, now.

Sean: That was bad.

Dick: No, it wasn't bad ... That's very sophisticated zinger-y.

Sean: Oh, you're drunk. Stop it some more.

Dick: I am drunk. Thank you. That's also what I do. When people say something negative about me, I say, "Thank you. Thank you. I have gained weight. Thank you very much for noticing." My fucking ... My cleaning lady, I had to sit ... Consuelo, you know.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: My cleaning lady.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Who's got the cancer, Sean. I don't want to bring us down, but-

Sean: No, no, no.

Dick: It's true.

Sean: Right.

Dick: She's got the cancer. My cleaning lady, I'm giving her a ride to the subway, because I'm a nice guy.

Justin: Right.

Dick: You know?

Justin: Right.

Dick: Pay her slightly below minimum wage, no big deal, and I give her a ride to the subway when-

Sean: Makes up for it.

Dick: ... she's done cleaning my house. No big deal. I'm the good guy in this situation.

Justin: Clearly.

Dick: And I'm giving her a ride to the subway, and I'm-

Justin: To the subway, by the way.

Sean: Yeah, exactly.

Fancypants: Not home.

Justin: Everybody picked up on that. "Listen, I'm giving her a ride to the public transportation station."

Dick: That's what it's for.

Justin: That's right.

Dick: That's what it's for.

Justin: That's right.

Dick: I want to do my part and conserve gas, or whatever the subway is for.

Sean: Did you put a blanket in the back of the truck for her, and everything?

Dick: Yeah, she rides in the back.

Sean: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Dick: When she gets in, I put those wooden side panels in. On the side, you know?

Justin: You are Bill McNeal from NewsRadio. "Listen, I'll drive you-"

Sean: Yeah, you said that. Yeah.

Justin: "I'll drive you home, but I'll drive you to the subway station, and then, I'm reducing my carbon footprint. By the way, your footprints are on my carpet. Just want to point that out."

Dick: Yeah, she's got a little ... I masking tape off a little space where she's allowed to put her stuff when she comes in, like her purse, and ... You know, with like that blue tape. My [ataquadequacity 00:26:32] knows no bounds.

Justin: My.

Dick: So I'm giving her a ride to the subway, and I'm complaining about how sore I am, because Jamie's making me work out. She's a trainer. Did you know that?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: She does like ... Sean, I'm telling you. Listen to me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't want to just shamelessly plug Jamie's website and services or whatever, but she does this thing. Jamie Lynn Hughes does this thing where she makes all the food for the week in one day, and then you just eat that food all week. It's like-

Sean: I feel like you're-

Justin: The easiest thing to do.

Sean: I feel like you're oversimplifying it, though.

Dick: No. Well, she makes-

Sean: Because I've heard terms like, "Meal one" thrown around.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me sell it to you correctly. Make all the food for the week on one day, and then you just eat. Whenever you're hungry, you just take handfuls of the food-

Sean: I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

Dick: That's how it fucking works. That's how it works in this house. And it's fucking ... Justin, have you ever-

Justin: Yeah, it sounds like the way Norm Macdonald would eat food. Ah, hi.

Dick: Thank you very much. Thank you, it does.

Justin: I just have a pile of food, yeah, and I can't control my impulses, yeah? I'm an asshole. So anyway, I just eat from exactly what they tell me to, yeah, and oh, I'm losing weight, because I'm not being an idiot, yeah? And it's smart. It is smart, by the way. That is the way you should do it, is know exactly what you're going to eat all week.

Dick: It's fucking great. You don't have to think about it.

Justin: Right.

Fancypants: It takes the guesswork out of it.

Dick: Oh, I could just think about the lawsuit.

Justin: Smarter people are making your decisions, and you're like, "Listen, just-"

Dick: People who like me are making my decisions.

Justin: Right, who want you to live-

Dick: I hate me. I'm sick of making decisions for myself. I'm like, every day I wake up and think how I could fuck me harder. Like, "Oh, this lawsuit seems like ..." You know I'm getting sued for half a billion dollars? Did you know about that?

Justin: Oh, wow. Is it a patent troll, or what's going on?

Dick: You gave that pep talk to that guy, Maddox, and then he turned around and sued me for a half a billion dollars, literally a half a billion dollars. I'm being sued. Me, Asterios, this guy who does an impression on my show. Oh, so you better fucking watch it. Patreon, Weber Shandwick, a big PR company, my real-life company, that I started, like that I've been doing my whole fucking life.

Sean: Adult life, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, my whole fucking ... Like, my real job.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: What?

Dick: All getting sued by that guy, Maddox, this former internet personality.

Justin: Saying that you took his something? What?

Dick: I stole his-

Sean: Oh, we don't have enough time.

Dick: Yeah. It's a 55 page document on things that I've done wrong to fuck him over.

Justin: Oh, boy.

Sean: There's a lot of videos. Like, independent lawyers going through this kind of stuff and basically laughing it off the planet.

Dick: Justin, it's the funniest thing that's ever happened.

Sean: It is.

Justin: I'm going to-

Dick: It's the funniest fucking thing.

Sean: No, he's doing his greatest work.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: He's doing his greatest work.

Dick: I mean, it's literally like when Daffy Duck keeps getting upstaged by Bugs Bunny, and then Daffy ends it with saying like ... He drinks nitroglycerin and explodes, and the audience is like, "Greatest fucking thing ever." He's like, "Yeah, the only problem is I can only do it once." That's the fucking ... I'm living in a cartoon!

Sean: Somebody pointed out to me yesterday that Maddox thinks he's doing ... He's taking this very seriously, and everything is perfectly crafted and everything, but what he is doing is he is making The Room. That's-

Dick: What does that mean?

Sean: The Room. He's making-

Fancypants: The movie.

Justin: The movie The Room.

Dick: Oh, the movie The Room.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: That's crazy.

Sean: But he thinks this is a masterwork, and everything is perfectly laid out and calculated, but he's making The Room.

Dick: Do you have any impressions for The Room?

Justin: No, I-

Dick: "Oh." You know?

Justin: "Oh."

Dick: "You're killing me, Lisa."

Justin: "You're ..." I didn't see it, so no. I didn't-

Dick: Don't see it.

Justin: Don't see it?

Dick: No. Don't be like them. Don't enjoy someone's failure.

Justin: That's the thing.

Dick: You know what?

Justin: That's what really pissed me off.

Dick: If want to go see The Room, just go kick a retarded person.

Justin: Here's the funny thing. It's like, they're like ... James Franco won for this ... He's like, "Ah, it's a great accomplishment." And I was like, "So you just couldn't make an original movie on your own. What you decided to do was make a two hour diss track of somebody who found the funding, found the motivation-"

Dick: Who did it.

Justin: Who did it.

Dick: Who did it.

Justin: And everybody in Hollywood loves it for whatever reason they do.

Dick: Ghouls.

Justin: And he's like-

Dick: Fucking ghouls.

Justin: Yeah, "I'm going to get my Golden Globe for this." I was like, "Really, dude? That's ... Really?"

Sean: He should feel a little bad about it.

Justin: He should feel-

Dick: They should feel bad every day.

Justin: Anytime they would ... Can't write an original screenplay, because that's not an original screenplay. That is a ... I mean, it's a copy of a copy. It's an Inception screenplay, and you know, it's ... If you make something original, I don't care what it is. You get props in my point. Anything original.

Dick: Agreed.

Justin: Anything.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: I don't give a shit, and every time you see some sort of troll taken out, it doesn't matter who the critic is. Like, "I'm going to go after this person who made this album, or this movie, or this TV show," all I want to ask is, "What did you show the world?"

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Is it this? Is it just this, the criticism?

Sean: Well, and that's always the argument, you know? Like, why critics are never at the level ... should never be taken that seriously..

Justin: Yeah, because they-

Sean: Or really respected.

Justin: They didn't throw anything out there.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: If you want to throw something out there and be judged, then fine. Say whatever you want, but if you won't say anything or put your uniqueness out in the world to be criticized, then you're just a coward throwing rocks from the stands.

Dick: Yeah, I agree.

Justin: Yeah. No.

Sean: So the internet.

Justin: Yeah, exactly.

Sean: [crosstalk 00:32:07]

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: [crosstalk 00:32:08]

Dick: So, I was giving Consuelo a ride to the subway, as I was saying.

Justin: Oh, it's a callback, huh? Now we're back on this.

Dick: And I had to listen to a minute of her trying to figure out how to tell me I'm fat, because she doesn't know the words for it.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: So she's like ... Because I was complaining about being sore, because Jamie was making me work out, and I'm like, "Oh, I'm all sore," and she's like, "Oh, well. That's good. You won't be sore when you ... When you are in a [foreign language 00:32:40]," and I'm like, "Are you trying to say I'm fucking fat? All right."

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: She's like, "Yeah, because [foreign language 00:32:47] You're in a better shape, shape?" And I'm like, "Are you fucking telling me that I'm fat in my own fucking ... You're fucking fat, you bitch! Don't tell me I'm fucking fat-"

Sean: Her name's Consuelo. She's supposed to be.

Fancypants: So how'd she get to the subway?

Dick: "How you say-"

Fancypants: Did you just drop her off right there, or-

Dick: I rolled her ass down.

Justin: [crosstalk 00:33:10]

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I dropped her off and I went straight to a Yum-Yum Donuts. I ate two bear claws.

Sean: I guess the chemo's not taking her sense of humor, huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The chemo's turned her into a real asshole.

Sean: Oh, I see. Yeah.

Dick: What have you been up to, Rupps? We missed you at the LA show.

Justin: Dude.

Dick: You sent your friend.

Justin: I did.

Dick: I hope he had a good time, but you know-

Justin: He did.

Dick: ... people are not kind in this audience.

Justin: He said-

Sean: That was a wild one.

Justin: He came back and said, "That was crazy. That was some crazy stuff." He was like, "This fan-ship." I was like, "Yeah, absolutely." I sent him into the wolves' den. I knew that. And part of me was a little happy about it, you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Because he's the guy I take on the road with me to bring up, you know?

Dick: What is his name?

Justin: Alex Mandelberg.

Dick: Alex what?

Justin: Mandelberg.

Dick: Alex Mandelberg.

Sean: Oh, that was Alex, for the ... Oh, the opener. Got you.

Justin: Right, exactly.

Sean: Oh, he was cool.

Justin: No, he was.

Dick: He was cool.

Justin: So he's like six, seven years in, and I'm like 12 years in, so I was like, "You should go do this Dick Show," and he was like, "Yeah. I'm going to do it," and I'm like, "You do it, man!" Just like-

Dick: Do it. Bring that enthusiasm.

Sean: Oh, man.

Justin: Because I've-

Sean: Talk about ... You guys got a little game called Fuck Your Buddy, huh?

Justin: Yeah. I just wanted video is what I wanted, because-

Dick: I have that.

Justin: Do you?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Please give it to me.

Dick: Okay.

Justin: Please, because I want to see how it went. But you know, audiences like that are tough. If you don't show that alpha male sense, then you can't control that, or alpha female, doesn't matter. You have to literally grab the audience by the dick, and be like, "No, no, no. It's my turn, now." And it's a constant battle, too, because every once in a while, somebody will pipe up ...

Dick: "I got a free gun to give you."

Justin: They had free guns?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yes, that happened.

Dick: Never heard that?

Fancypants: Is that a thing?

Dick: That happens.

Fancypants: Does that happen?

Dick: That happened at the show.

Fancypants: All right.

Dick: You think I'm making shit up?

Fancypants: No. Well, maybe.

Justin: I just went to an open carry state. It happens.

Dick: Where?

Justin: Texas.

Dick: You went to Texas?

Justin: Texas. Everybody was side-saddled with a piece, and one guy said ... I did a joke that didn't work well, and he goes, "It's okay, buddy. We got you."

Fancypants: Wow.

Justin: And he just kind of like pats his side, and I'm like, "Yeah, I bet." Then, when everybody has it, too, they're all like, "Ah, shit. Didn't know we were all ..." Somehow, I turned into Hank Hill. "Uh, I think we're all going to be okay. We all have weapons. This is going to be good. Better be funny, motherfucker," you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: It's crazy. I'd never been to an open carry state, where it was just coming in the door.

Dick: Really?

Justin: Yeah. Well, I mean Arizona.

Dick: Have you shot a gun?

Justin: I have not, no.

Dick: You have not shot a gun?

Sean: Really?

Justin: No.

Dick: Do you have any interest?

Sean: Are you from here?

Justin: No, I'm from Seattle.

Sean: You're from Seattle? Okay.

Justin: The reason I haven't is the same reason I don't do coke, because I know-

Dick: Oh, you've got to do coke, too, man.

Justin: I know I'd like I'd like it. That's the problem. Like, I stick to weed, because I'm like, "This is just enough."

Sean: Well, but-

Dick: Weed is the most dangerous of drugs.

Justin: How is it the most dangerous?

Dick: Because, dude, weed will set you ... Weed will put you in ... You know in Shawshank Redemption, when Tim Robbins gets sent to the hole for a month?

Justin: Sure.

Dick: That's weed.

Justin: Is it?

Dick: No other drug will send you into a timeless oblivion with yourself. Everything else is just fun and too much fun. Weed is another animal.

Justin: I'm the-

Sean: Yeah, he's really ... Dick is really anti-

Dick: I'm anti-weed now.

Sean: Yeah.

Fancypants: This is the-

Dick: It should be illegal.

Fancypants: This is the edible thing, right?

Justin: It should be-

Dick: Weed should be illegal, 100%.

Justin: Okay.

Sean: Yeah, it is-

Dick: I'm with Sessions.

Sean: It's more dangerous than any 1930s propaganda.

Dick: It's more dangerous than any woman.

Justin: Oh, god, you're talking to someone who's so high right now. I don't even know what to tell you. Ah, crap. We're really ... That, yeah. Well, voices don't really come out unless you're high. I just want to point that out.

Dick: You've never done crosswords before? We call coke-

Justin: Coke crosswords?

Dick: ... crosswords. Yeah.

Justin: Here's why. Here's why, because I-

Sean: What's Sudoku?

Dick: Sudoku is-

Justin: The numbers.

Dick: Molly.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: MDMA.

Justin: Oh, shit. You're like, "What's-"

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: Okay. Here's why, because everything ... If you're smoking pot, you have the inner monologue going, "This might not be a good idea."

Dick: Life.

Justin: Yeah. No, no, no.

Dick: I got to end it as quickly as possible.

Justin: Your ideas. Your ideas might not be good ideas.

Dick: Oh. Oh, oh. Yeah.

Justin: Like, you're about to say something and you go, "Hold on a second. Is this that funny, or should I think about this for like an extra second?" On alcohol, on speed, on-

Dick: Speed?

Justin: Any kind of ... Oh yeah, speed.

Dick: Boink.

Sean: Yeah, he doesn't do coke, because he might like it, but speed is-

Dick: But speed is-

Sean: Fine, yeah.

Justin: Dude, because speed-

Dick: Starring Keanu Reeves.

Justin: Yeah, exactly. I've done everything except for heroin and ... I've done all the psychedelics, but nothing about coke ... I was like, it kills the people I looked up to.

Dick: Oh.

Justin: That's, like, the big problem. I'm like-

Dick: Yeah, but then-

Justin: They were really funny, and then they're done. I'm like, "Well-"

Dick: That's the thing with comedians. You let them live too long and they start suing people. Like, if Maddox had died two years ago, he'd be very ... Even a year ... Even right before he did the Dick Lies video, he'd have a beautiful legacy, you know? Everyone would love him.

Justin: You die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain, right?

Dick: Exactly.

Justin: Exactly.

Dick: Yeah. I forget why I started talking about drugs.

Justin: I was talking about my love of pot and how much you hate it, so that's a good ... It's a good story for us.

Dick: No, no. Sean, we were talking about open carry.

Justin: Oh, right. Open carry.

Dick: You've never shot a gun?

Justin: No, I haven't shot a gun, because like I said.

Dick: Do you not like guns?

Justin: No, I like guns.

Dick: You like guns?

Justin: I owned the replica guns in my life, you know? Because I watch movies like an adult.

Dick: What do you mean you owned replica guns?

Justin: I mean, like the-

Sean: Toys.

Justin: The toys, like the airsoft pistols.

Dick: Yeah, call them toys Justin.

Justin: [inaudible 00:39:00]

Dick: "I own action figures and replica pistols."

Justin: Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Are you listening here, pal? Are you paying attention, here? I used to get the replica guns from the movies. You know what I'm saying? Except they had the orange tips on them, but they weren't orange ... I got in trouble for shooting one of my friends with one of those guns from the cops. That's-

Dick: You got in trouble by the cops for doing-

Justin: By the cops, in college.

Dick: What'd they do?

Justin: So one of my friends pulled up to the house, and I had broken the orange tip off the front.

Dick: Because the orange tip is stupid.

Justin: Yeah, it's stupid, right?

Dick: Stupid.

Sean: Because it makes it look like a toy.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Right, it was a Desert Eagle .5.

Dick: You know what? It's also-

Sean: Did you see Snatch-

Justin: Yeah, exactly.

Sean: ... and then wanted to get the replica.

Justin: Why do you think I got it?

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: Yours says replica. Mine says Desert Eagle .50, right? Anyway. So, he shows up

Dick: Have you ever done your voices in bed?

Justin: In bed?

Dick: Yeah, in bed.

Justin: My wife will not allow that.

Sean: Yeah, that's a-

Dick: No.

Justin: No, straight up.

Dick: When women say they don't want something, that's when they want you to do it.

Justin: There's only one I can do in bed for her, and it's Ryan Reynolds, because she's like, "He's on the list." Every other one of the guys, she's like, "I'm not having sex with him," but Ryan Reynolds-

Dick: She's not having sex with Katt Williams?

Justin: No. Listen, boo-boo. I want you to spread your legs and let me come inside, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. It's never ... No.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: But if I do Ryan Reynolds, which is just like-

Dick: Jamie loves ... She's probably wet right now. Excuse me, I'm drunk. I'm drunk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was disrespectful. I'm sorry.

Justin: So, Ryan Reynolds would be like-

Dick: She loves Katt Williams, though.

Justin: Hey, sweetheart. Here's what's going to happen. Daddy's going to take his shirt off, and then uh-oh. I'm going to play around with my own balls for a second. If you want to play around with your fingle-bangle, or whatever you call your thing, you can go ahead and do that, but I'm just going to play with these tiny, swollen marbles. Deadpool. Well there's going to be a pool, and it's going to be dead, because sperm don't live that long. Like, I can do that.

Sean: Now, what does Vince Vaughn say in response to that?

Dick: No, that's weirdly accurate, too, for Ryan Reynolds.

Justin: What does Vince Vaughn-

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Justin: Hey, I'm just-

Dick: I imagine he'll-

Justin: Vince Vaughn's, he's just taping in the corner. Okay? You don't say nothing to him. He's just running the videotape, okay? He's going to be selling it on a website later, www.ryanreynoldsdeadpoolpoolscene. It's a pool scene. Please don't sue me, Vince Vaughn.

Dick: That is like weirdly what Ryan Reynolds would say.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: You do Ryan Reynolds by doing Ace Ventura just really sexy, so like Ace Ventura'd be like, "I have a package for you, sir. I bet it was something nice, though," and-

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Justin: And just take that down to a sexy level and go, "I've got a package for you, sir. I bet it was something nice, though."

Dick: Oh, wow.

Justin: Because they're both Canadians. They're both Canadians, and they're both-

Dick: Oh, and all Canadians are pretty much the same.

Justin: Hey, how are you? Yeah, that's what's happening. Yeah, they have that sound to them.

Dick: Because it's a shithole country.

Fancypants: Oh. Oh.

Justin: Good times, and great parties, and stuff.

Dick: So you've never-

Justin: I love Ottawa.

Dick: We've got to get you to shoot a gun.

Justin: Oh, sure. I mean, look. In a-

Dick: Not a replica.

Sean: Right.

Justin: No, here's the end of that story. I shot my friend. He was in ballistic gear on his motorcycle, and-

Dick: Cool.

Justin: ... from my third deck, I was like, "Hey, does this hurt?" And beams off, and he reverses and calls the cops.

Dick: What?

Justin: And the cop knocks at the door, and he's like, "All right, I'm coming inside," and I'm like, "All right," so he comes inside and he's like, "Let's see the gun." So I hand him the gun, toy, and I hand him the toy.

Dick: Thank you.

Justin: And he cocks it back, and points it at his skin, point-blank, and goes, "I think we're going to drop the charges. I'm sorry to bother you," and I was like ... Just, that was it. That was the closest I ever got. I'm like, "Oh, I'm so ... I guess I'm not doing this." So, I've never shot it. What do you recommend-

Sean: Did you ever talk to your friend again?

Justin: No.

Sean: It's like, "What the-"

Justin: No, he was my drug dealer.

Sean: Oh.

Justin: That was the irony.

Dick: It's a strange-

Justin: I'm like, "Why would you call the cops?"

Dick: Strange relationship that you have to have-

Justin: What the fuck are you doing calling the cops when you had a gram of coke, a gram of weed, two tablets of LSD, you stupid motherfucker? Shouldn't have been calling the cops. Should've never done nothing in the first place.

Dick: Wait, can you chew out somebody as Katt Williams?

Justin: Yeah, who would you-

Dick: We had this comedian, Asterios Kokkinos. He works for this show. He's also getting sued for a half a billion dollars.

Justin: Oh no.

Dick: However, he also ... Fans of this show, musicians, put together a charity album to fund his legal defense. Justin, these are all real things that are happening-

Sean: Yeah, yeah. None of this is-

Dick: ... that I'm describing. None of this is exaggerated or made up in any way.

Justin: Should I be scared? What's going on, here?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah?

Dick: But, we did a live show, where the guy who's suing us, we had an impersonator read a, "Please get back together with me" love letter that he wrote to an ex-girlfriend, who supplied me with the letter, and ... But, that's irrelevant. I'm just filling you in on the deets, on the hot goss as we call it.

Justin: I didn't do that on one of the shows, did I?

Dick: No.

Justin: Okay, good. All right, cool.

Dick: This guy, Asterios, invoiced me for ... In one day, he invoiced me for the show. He traveled to Chicago from New York to do this comedy show. He invoiced me for $600, 200 of which was food. Like, multiple yogurts. He went to the airport five hours early just to eat, and charge me, and send me the bill for the yogurt parfaits and bagels. He landed. He went from Chicago back to LaGuardia, stopped when he got home, got more yogurt, invoiced me for that yogurt, and then went home.

Justin: Wow.

Fancypants: 200 bucks worth of yogurt?

Dick: 200 bucks for a food.

Fancypants: Like, Activia?

Dick: A food. A food. A food. If Katt Williams could chew him out, I would really ... It would be worth the $600 for me.

Justin: Listen here, Asterios. Let me tell you something, okay? Kokkinos, Asterios. The opinions and thoughts are being expressed are of nobody's opinion. Let me just start with that. My legal team was required to say that. Number two, I don't care if you getting Oikos, no Yoplait-

Sean: Oikos.

Justin: I don't care if John Stamos is feeding you the yogurt, that's never a reason for 2 to $300 worth of yogurt, motherfucker. Nobody is that clogged up. That's some live culture. All you need to do is get yourself some fiber. You get yourself some fiber pills, you don't need to worry about no Oikos. You don't need no Jamie Lee Curtis to tell you about what's living in your intestines. I understand that you got to invoice for something, but 600 is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I went all the way to Australia. I said, "You can just do it for two lollipops and a Lyft fair. You get me to the Lyft to the airport, them lollipops, I'll shut the fuck up. I don't say nothing after that." Oh, shit. Now I'm scared. What the hell is going on with-

Dick: What, you're scared of the lawsuit?

Justin: Well, I'm scared for you guys, and I don't ... You know-

Dick: Don't be scared. We deserve it. We were having too much fun.

Sean: Yeah, too much fun.

Dick: At this point in my life, I'm getting real fucking weird, man, and I'm convinced that it's the fun-having that's what's people are pissed about.

Fancypants: Screwing everything up?

Dick: That's what gets shut down. The law doesn't matter. There's no such thing as the law. They write these stupid rules down for slaves, for people who need rules to live by, and they look at these laws and go, "Oh, yeah, if I just do ..." It's like the LEGO movie, and then I'm just trying to be a master builder over here, building the fucking show.

Fancypants: That's not the analogy I expected.

Justin: Wait a second. Wait a second. In this scenario, you want to be Will Ferrell's character in that movie?

Dick: I'm Lord Business, yeah. Don't touch my fucking LEGOs, you son of a bitch! I worked my whole fucking life to fill this basement with LEGOs. All of my LEGOs are here. Don't fucking touch them. You get your own LEGOs, you piece of crap. I walk around with stilts, motherfucker. What do you have? You're like four feet tall. You don't know anything.

Justin: Building a LEGO castle.

Sean: He says to his son.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: Well-

Dick: Hold on, I got to go yell at your mom.

Justin: In defense, that's how you build the next master builder is to just tear down the future, right? Make sure that they have ... You already explained the meaning of life, today, which is-

Dick: You know what? No, no-

Justin: ... anger for your parents.

Dick: And I was going to say-

Justin: I think that's the way to do it.

Dick: I got hoisted by my own petard.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: I was in the middle of telling that story-

Sean: That's right.

Dick: ... and I got distracted by-

Sean: Like 15 minutes ago.

Fancypants: I forgot-

Dick: I got distracted by liquor.

Justin: You are literally the hardest working man. You guys know he's sweating right now. The anger-

Dick: Oh, that's just account of my fatness and Mexican-ness.

Justin: No.

Sean: He's actually not sweating that much.

Fancypants: Yeah, this is better than usual, right?

Dick: This is liquor realizing ... This is all the liquor that I've been holding hostage for the night. It's like, "We got to get the fuck out of this guy. He's crazy."

Justin: Cecil, we got to get out of here. He was telling me he was going to drink vodka at some point, but I didn't think it was going to be this much vodka. We got to go out his fucking pores right now. Say hi to your mother for me, right?

Dick: So, my nephew, he's the little Irishman, I call him, because he's got bright red ... He's got a shock of red hair, and he's a little ... And his name is very Irish. He's a little asshole. And he's just getting into video games, Mario Kart.

Justin: Ah, yes.

Fancypants: Great game.

Dick: Every time I come over, "Uncle, hey what's up? Let's fire up the Mario Kart? What do you think about that?"

Justin: Absolutely.

Dick: "Because Mom doesn't fuck with me when you're playing-"

Justin: You're talking Wii Mario Kart, or 64? What are we talking here?

Dick: Well, he just got a Switch.

Justin: Oh, shit.

Dick: So now we're talking-

Justin: The real deal.

Dick: Yeah. Before, he was on Gamecube, Double Dash.

Fancypants: I feel like that was the pinnacle of Mario Kart.

Dick: What?

Fancypants: Gamecube, Double Dash. [crosstalk 00:49:26]

Dick: Have you played Mario Kart 8?

Fancypants: I haven't played the Switch one, so-

Dick: Have you played Mario Kart 8?

Fancypants: No.

Dick: Don't talk about Mario Kart, then. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Mario Kart 8 is the dopest Mario Kart.

Fancypants: Is it? Okay.

Dick: Yeah. So I'm sitting down with this little motherfucker, to play Mario Kart, and he's playing his dad. And his dad's winning. He's constantly talking shit, throughout the whole game, but now, he's at a point-

Justin: Who, the-

Dick: Little Irishman.

Sean: Little guy? Oh, he's talking shit?

Dick: Yeah, he's talking shit the entire game, Sean.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: And it used to be where ... Like, the last time I played Mario Kart with this motherfucker, he's like exploring. Like, he thinks he's playing Link, where he's just exploring the level. It's like, "This fucking moron is in 12 ... This guy, this fucking idiot," and I'm telling this story to people. I'm like, "You got to see my fucking nephew play Mario Kart. He thinks it's a game where you get Bullet Bill and turn into Bullet Bill. He calls it Bullet Bill Rocket Racing. He's so fucking stupid." Because he's always in 12th, and you always get the Bullet Bill when you're in 12th, right?

Justin: Yeah, you just bypass your way up to fourth.

Dick: Yeah, and this is what I'm ... I'm talking behind his back, and right now I'm realizing that I'm talking behind this man's back, and that it's coming back to bite me in the ass because I shouldn't be doing that. I discounted him. I'm like, "This fucking guy can't race for shit," right?

Justin: Was he really just trying to find the secret paths?

Dick: No, because he was four.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: This whole time, he's like nephew, I'm thinking like 10-

Sean: Had your mental image, yeah.

Justin: ... 12. He's like, "This motherfucker's four."

Sean: Yep.

Justin: "He's got me [inaudible 00:50:59]."

Sean: Yeah, "Fucking dumb as shit. Doesn't know anything about paths-"

Dick: Yeah, fucking idiot.

Sean: "... or Mario 12, or-"

Justin: You know, like-

Sean: "Bullet Bills."

Justin: ... a four year old would.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Justin, he's five now.

Justin: Oh, son of a bitch.

Sean: No excuses. No excuses left.

Justin: He went over your head, now?

Dick: He's five now, and he's racing.

Justin: Yeah.

Sean: For blood.

Dick: He's racing, and he's telling ... The whole time, he's chirping. While he's racing, he's getting fourth, fifth now, third, first. He beat '80s Girl.

Justin: Uh-oh.

Dick: In a race.

Sean: Oh, boy.

Dick: In Mario Kart. Like, he's as good as a woman at Mario Kart. He's as good as any woman I've ever seen, and he's sitting there saying ... And his dad's saying like ... He's talking shit to his dad, like, "Oh, you suck. You're going to get last." And his dad goes, "Oh, I got first. What do you think about that?" And he goes, "Well, you're still a loser," and I start laughing hysterically, and he goes, "What's so funny, you laughing loser?" I'm like-

Sean: Oh, he turned it on you.

Dick: [crosstalk 00:51:59] Yeah.

Justin: The barbs went inside.

Dick: Then everybody's laughing at me, laughing down at me, like the opposite of The Gladiator, when he's like, "Are you not entertained?" I'm like, "Oh my god, I'm ... Why am I laughing?" Like, I've got to explain myself to this little boy, and he's just sitting there, no expression, dead-eyed, "What are you laughing at, you laughing loser?"

Justin: Wow.

Dick: I guess I can't ... I'm sorry, sir, I won't laugh anymore, at your sixth place. So then, for the rest of the race, he's like, "Yeah, it's the laughing loser. The laughing loser gets first again."

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: He's coming up with good nicknames for you.

Dick: Dude.

Justin: Laughing loser. He should call you LL from now on.

Dick: That's what I've ... I'm inventing his nicknames. I'm like, "No. This is what it feels ... This is why I'm getting sued, because I deserve this. This feeling is terrible. I deserve it."

Justin: The revelations are thick today, my friend.

Dick: This is fucked. What am I ... First of all, I can't respond in kind to this motherfucker, because I love him, and he's a baby. Secondly, I don't know if I could. I just got labeled as a laughing loser. It's something I do ... Laughing is what I do all the time.

Sean: Yep.

Dick: All the time, and a loser is something that is weird, weird to call someone, and childlike.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: And they were linked together with alliteration, Sean.

Sean: Yeah, which definitely upped the game.

Fancypants: Yeah, we're back to the truth hurting.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Laughing loser. I'm like-

Sean: Nice.

Dick: Fuck, and my first thought is like, "Well, you fucking silver spoon ass motherfucker-"

Justin: Kids know how to find the soft spot in Batman's armor. You know what I mean?

Fancypants: Because it's so honest. It's like, it's not-

Justin: Yeah, like I was in a movie, right? And then I can't remember what kid came out to a show, and their response was, "So, I haven't seen you since." I'm like ... And it wasn't even a barb. It was just him being honest, and like, "I know. I know. Thank you. I'm working on it. We're finding some new things now. There's some casting directors talking, but I don't know, yeah."

Dick: What movie were you in?

Justin: I was in Operation Chromite with Liam Neeson, big Korean War movie.

Dick: Liam Neeson?

Justin: Liam Neeson.

Dick: The Taken guy, "I have a set of skills"?

Justin: Liam Neeson. He has a very particular set of skills, and those skills are somehow kicking the shit out of everybody at 74 years old.

Dick: Yeah. That's true.

Justin: That's very true.

Dick: I wouldn't be afraid of a 70 year old guy [crosstalk 00:54:46]

Justin: Dude, it's-

Dick: Because I'm too fat. Okay, I'm drunk but I got your daughter. I'm talking to her. What are you going to say? You going to rough me up?

Justin: He's a bad parent at that point in those movies, at least, because there's three of them, and every movie, somebody takes somebody important to him. They took his daughter. They took his wife. They took his daughter and his wife in the third one.

Dick: They should steal his dick in the fourth one.

Justin: What happened? Where's my dick? It was just here this morning. Oh shit, it's been taken. I don't have a particular set of skills now. I'm missing my cock. That'd be a fun word to hear him say a few times. My cock is gone. What happened to my cock? I would like some caulk to fill in on this backsplash in my apartment, but that is actually caulk and not cock, right?

Dick: Yeah. Can I have another beer, please? The machine's ... Wait, what?

Speaker 6: [inaudible 00:55:43]

Dick: I'm completely out of beer?

Speaker 6: [inaudible 00:55:46]

Dick: No.

Fancypants: I've had almost all of this tangerine-

Justin: Did Jamie Lynn-

Fancypants: [crosstalk 00:55:51]

Justin: ... put the beer in the designated things for the food for the week?

Dick: No. Beer is my responsibility.

Fancypants: Oh.

Justin: Ah.

Fancypants: Yeah, where does beer fall in the meal plan or whatever?

Speaker 6: [crosstalk 00:56:01]

Dick: I'll take any beer, any beer that's available. All right, let me see-

Justin: It does not. It does not.

Dick: Thanks for coming in, by the way, Justin.

Justin: Thanks for having me.

Dick: Does anything make you a rage? I always ask everybody that.

Justin: Absolutely.

Dick: Okay, what?

Justin: The most infuriating thing in the world for me is I live in Hollywood, and people park not taking ... They take up too much space when they park, parallel parking, and you just like ... Literally, you only have a quarter mile to get in the spots, and now there's four people parked here, because no one knows how to do this anymore, you know?

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: What's that? What's that?

Fancypants: Wave.

Justin: No, this is the-

Sean: That's wax on.

Dick: Wax on?

Justin: This is the, "I'm reversing into a parallel parking spot."

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Justin: They can't even do it with a goddamn rear-view mirror, or the rear-view camera. No one can do it, and so I just-

Dick: You know, that camera's kind of fucked.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that camera makes you think that you're better at your car than you are.

Justin: They aren't even good with that. That's the number one issue. I can't stand that it's just like, "Dude, if you just backed up four more feet, then everybody else can park on this street," but I have to park two and a half goddamn miles away from my house-

Dick: It's the angel's share.

Justin: Right.

Dick: They park, and they're like, "Well, how about that three feet of nice, concrete curb?"

Justin: For the guardian-

Dick: That's the angel's share of concrete. It's fine. It's fine. Like, I dated this girl who was fucking crazy. She was way more of a rage than me, slightly, in a different way.

Fancypants: Way more slightly?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: She was fucking nuts.

Justin: I caught that.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: And she lived in New York. She saw that. She saw somebody parked like that, and she just goes ... She was from Yugoslavia. She goes, "This motherfucker," gets out of her car, and just keys the shit out of the car, and I'm like, "Huh." And she gets back in like nothing happened, and I was like, "It's interesting, because that person deserved ... I think that that person deserved it too, but what I am astounded at is your execution of it."

Justin: Right.

Sean: Right.

Dick: The will to-

Justin: Just-

Sean: Just do it.

Fancypants: Just go for it.

Justin: Well, she can.

Dick: With no incentive.

Justin: She can, because a woman from Yugoslavia, the guy's going to come, "What did you ..." "What are you going to say?" "Nothing. Shit. I heard the accent and saw you. There's just no way."

Fancypants: Yeah, you've seen some shit.

Justin: Yeah, a woman from Yugoslavia has ... This is like par for the course, like, "You're lucky all I did was key car. I could have-"

Sean: Yeah she-

Justin: "... done lot worse."

Sean: ... grew up ... She grew up riding-

Dick: She sounded like that, too.

Justin: "Could have made phone call, he disappear forever. We scrap the car, we sell it for cash."

Sean: Well, she grew up riding around in Yugos and survived to adulthood. You guys remember the fucking Yugo?

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: $3,995.

Dick: She ate dogs.

Sean: Probably.

Dick: She talked about them like they were food.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: It was a really weird ...

Justin: How do you find ...

Dick: Huge cans, man. Huge fucking cans.

Sean: I met this girl. Okay.

Dick: You remember the girl I'm talking about?

Justin: They're filled with bullet shells. They're filled with bullet shells.

Fancypants: Sean didn't remember until the big cans.

Sean: That's true.

Fancypants: [crosstalk 00:59:00]

Dick: God, she had some amazing cans.

Justin: Those cans.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: The cans we lead, right gentlemen? That's all I'm talking about, the cans we lead.

Justin: Ah, yes the cans.

Dick: Anyway, the angel's share parking.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: Let me see if Asterios is around.

Sean: Oh, good. Now the show will get coherent.

Justin: Does he tune in to hear everybody picking on him?

Sean: Well-

Dick: Asterios? Hey, Asterios, are you there?

Asterios: Hello, it's ... No, it's no ... Who's that?

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Oh, there's a guy calling in, that's not ... Asterios isn't allowed to call in because he's getting sued.

Asterios: Whoever he is better not call, but it's me, Adam Panache.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: Adam Panache.

Dick: It's Adam Panache is calling in again. It's been a while since we heard from-

Asterios: I'm calling with a complaint about a Dick Show.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: Adam Panache always calls in to criticize the show.

Justin: Ah.

Dick: What is your criticism this time, Adam Panache?

Asterios: I mean, as usual, it's boring, you know?

Dick: It's boring?

Asterios: Sound like Thanksgiving, with your interview with an astronaut, going to smash room with a bikini model, $300 million lawsuit, you know. Typical Thanksgiving talk.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Asterios: My complaint this time, I got another complaint.

Justin: It's Adam Sandler, everybody.

Dick: Yeah. Okay, what's your complaint?

Asterios: Keep having a lawyer, Nick Badonkadonk, on. Of course, you never reach out to old Adam Panache. I'm a also lawyer.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: He's a also lawyer.

Dick: Adam Panache is also a lawyer. What are you a lawyer in?

Asterios: Yes, attorney at law. Oh, I've got a big client base in Louisiana. I represent a crocodile.

Sean: Interesting.

Asterios: And a big, fat white guy who steal a Maltese Falcon.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: Represent a fanboat operator. You know, sometimes the small child, they get their fingers stuck in a fanboat blade, chop a finger right off.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Asterios: I go in the court. I say, "No, it didn't happen."

Justin: That's a great lawyer.

Fancypants: Solid argument, yeah.

Justin: Yeah.

Fancypants: Okay.

Asterios: [crosstalk 01:01:18] gone done blown a kid finger off. Then I get paid in gumbo.

Dick: He sounds like a real fucking Cajun. I can't understand what he's ...

Sean: No.

Dick: That's perfect.

Asterios: So don't be afraid to say ... You making fun of my accent? I sue you. Louisiana law.

Dick: No, no, no. So what do you recommend we do-

Asterios: [crosstalk 01:01:36] you in the bayou.

Dick: How do they handle lawsuits in the bayou?

Asterios: Well, I'll tell you right now, because I'm going to give you some legal advice.

Dick: Good, thank you.

Asterios: I tell you how to beat back a lawsuit. I guarantee.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: What's he ... Is-

Dick: How do we beat back the-

Fancypants: Yeah, what just happened?

Asterios: No, I'll tell you right now, tell you [crosstalk 01:02:03]

Dick: Okay. Yeah?

Asterios: I'm going to immediately tell you, with Adam Panache's Meme Magic Litigation.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: Y'all hear that?

Dick: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Asterios: Now, to have a good legal strategy is like a jambalaya. You got to mix a lot of things in a pot. You need a dash of Y, quarter cup of F for pay respect, like a video game reference.

Sean: Oh, boy.

Asterios: Then case dismissed.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Just those two?

Asterios: In Louisiana, either lawyer can say "Case dismissed" at any time, and that ends the case.

Dick: Oh, that ends the case if you say "Case dismissed."

Sean: If a lawyer says it.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah, we all go drink on the bayou. It's nice.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Well, that sounds like a decent state to practice in.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: It's a good practice. [inaudible 01:02:58] number two is a Batman symbol.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: Senator Lindsey Graham, the direct-to-DVD Babylon 5 sequel, Babylon 5: The Lost Tales. [inaudible 01:03:13] from a scorned hot wife, the year 1996.

Dick: The year 1996?

Asterios: Gummy bears.

Dick: Yeah, gummy bears. Yeah, okay.

Asterios: Rachel Maddow ... Horn-rimmed glasses from Rachel Maddow. You going to beat this Maddox, I guarantee.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Did Mr. Fancypants just leave to file a lawsuit? What's going on here?

Dick: Well, then he went to flush the toilet too, not fully understanding that all the pipes go through this room.

Sean: Yeah. Oh, well.

Dick: Yeah, thanks-

Sean: What are you going to do?

Dick: ... a fucking lot, Mr. Fancypants.

Fancypants: Sorry about that.

Dick: You stupid asshole.

Asterios: Got a [inaudible 01:03:46] lawsuit here for ruining the audio.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: There we go.

Dick: Well, that's good legal advice, Adam Panache.

Asterios: Yeah, I give you-

Dick: I'll work on-

Asterios: ... even more legal advice. I have two more lists of it.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Okay.

Asterios: With Adam Panache's cross-examination guide.

Sean: Uh-huh (affirmative).

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: [inaudible 01:04:08] where you cut me off and try to go, because I don't actually have two more lists.

Sean: Okay. Okay.

Dick: I think your audio's fucking with me.

Asterios: This is usually where you-

Dick: No, no. I think-

Asterios: Is the audio really-

Dick: Yeah, I think it is. It's cutting out. It's like Discord is ... The gain is not-

Sean: The gate or something-

Dick: It's always the gate. It's always the fucking gate.

Asterios: Fucking kidding me?

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: I got the input set to be turned all the way down, [inaudible 01:04:35] off.

Dick: This is how Adam Panache talks-

Fancypants: I know. I can-

Dick: ... when he's in bed.

Sean: It's like Larry the Cable Guy.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: This is goddamn retarded. Okay, look, should I just make this a bit and just leave it as a bit instead of a call-in?

Dick: Yeah. Hey-

Asterios: All right.

Dick: How come we can't play that audio that you don't want me to play?

Asterios: [inaudible 01:04:55] what you're talking about? I got to go.

Dick: Hold on, hold on. Come back. Come back. Come back.

Asterios: No, no. See y'all later. Good ...

Dick: No, no, no. Oh, you fucking asshole, Asterios!

Allen: You fucker.

Dick: You fucking asshole.

Sean: Wait, wait. Who's that?

Dick: This is the guy that recorded the ... So, that guy-

Allen: Oh, he's back.

Sean: He is?

Dick: Asterios.

Allen: Yeah, he's there.

Dick: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is not for human consumption Allen.

Allen: Hey.

Dick: Asterios-

Allen: Long time no talk.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Asterios, he's prolific.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Like, he's always exactly as funny as he is.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Forever.

Justin: Wow.

Allen: Forever.

Dick: With no effort.

Justin: Right. That's amazing. That's consistency.

Dick: He's the most consistent and most funniest at being consistent that there ... He's like Robin Williams. Like, you look at Robin Williams, and you're like, "Yeah, I mean, he's just always that guy."

Allen: Like a true autist.

Dick: No, he's not autistic at all. Asterios has no amount of autism in him.

Allen: No, me.

Dick: Oh, you? I don't know. You speak for yourself.

Allen: I'm just kidding.

Dick: So, Asterios did a string of podcasts that are Dick Show related. A lot of Dickheads have podcasts.

Justin: Got you.

Sean: Yeah, launching million of careers here. Like, everybody's making money. It's really crazy.

Dick: Everyone's making money hand over ... Justin, do you have a podcast?

Justin: I don't.

Dick: Ah, you're fucking losing tons of money.

Justin: I can see the lawsuits are just ...

Dick: You know what? Lawsuits are fucking expensive, man.

Justin: Dude, I can't. I-

Allen: I can't wait until my first one.

Dick: This isn't my first fucking one, but they are ... This one is more expensive.

Justin: Wow.

Dick: But it's funnier.

Justin: You're just making my-

Sean: It's the funniest lawsuit that's ever been.

Fancypants: That's why it costs so much.

Dick: Sean, it's the funniest thing. Like, we had-

Sean: It's like why are divorces expensive? Because they're worth it.

Justin: Yeah.

Sean: Is that the ...

Dick: I mean, this is the funniest thing that's ... This might be the ... You know what? This whole lawsuit, like the thing that makes it the best to me, and Maddox doesn't realize, is that this lawsuit made me think that there's more to me, because up until this point, I thought nothing would be funnier than Dr. Phil. Nothing would be funnier than me being on Dr. Phil, just openly saying the worst things possible about women, because he's a show that exists for stupid housewives, you know? Then I just go like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey." It's like, if you had one wish, it was like, "Please, God, can you just let me broadcast very expensive things to all the housewives in the world?"

Sean: And you got it.

Dick: And I got it.

Sean: Yeah, you got that wish.

Dick: Like, "Can you just give me five days, on daytime television, to talk directly to the housewives of the world?" And God's like, "I'll give it to you."

Sean: Yeah. That's exactly what happened.

Justin: And now God's going, "And I give another. Here it is."

Dick: And he gave me another one.

Justin: And he gave you another.

Dick: He gave me another. It was like, "God, can you please just take this guy who is an asshole. Like, he's been ... He's just a cocksucker, like he annoys ... He's a work person that annoys me at work. Can you please just make him let everybody know how much of a cocksucker he is?" Because everybody's got that Maddox at work, who's a cocksucker, and nobody knows that they're a cocksucker, and they're like, "Yeah, he's just ... Like he's a cocksucker. I don't know what to tell you. He's a fucking ass ... He's always an asshole to me, but whatever, like I got to go to work! I got to go to work! I have to deal with this bullshit, and it's fine, but he's like ... Stop saying that he's so nice and great, because he's a cocksucker, God. Could you just make him tell everybody that he's a ..." "Got it. I got you."

Justin: God sent you a cease and desist.

Dick: Oh, and he did. And this lawsuit, it's so expensive, and it has fucked so many people over. The people who run my company with me are pissed at me, and it's fucked business. I'm not going to say it hasn't. It has fucked business. It's fucked Asterios over in a number of ways. Because how do you explain this to your place of work?

Sean: Well-

Dick: Like, you can't explain. Like, "Yeah, I just fucked with a guy."

Sean: Because it's so in the make-believe world, until it reaches out and pokes into the real world, and the line is kind of obliterated now, yeah?

Dick: Because everybody thinks ... We have this weakness in us as humans that you just give people the benefit of the doubt.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: We do.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So when a lawsuit for half a billion dollars is filed, everybody just kind of gives it the benefit of the doubt.

Sean: "Well, there must be something there."

Dick: Yeah, there must be.

Justin: But that number means it's a joke, immediately. I mean, that's the ... Right?

Dick: Yeah, but people say, "Well, if it's half a billion, it must at least be 10 bucks. What did you do that's so bad that it's 10 bucks?"

Fancypants: It's like managing expectations. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, and it's like, "Well, I mean, I didn't even do 10 bucks. I did nothing." Although, then there's also that part where everybody wants it to be true, because everybody wants a bad guy. They're like, "I hope that this shit ..." I don't know, but my point was that the entire lawsuit has given me this feeling that it is possible to be even funnier than the Dr. Phil thing. Like, the whole lawsuit is way stupider, and way funnier, and more expensive, tens of thousands of dollars are being blown on it, and that in and of itself should be funny. Like, it's really-

Justin: I'm with you. I'm sad it had to come at the expense it did, you know?

Dick: You shouldn't, though. You're a comedian. It should be a celebration of how funny it is, and how much it has hurt people.

Justin: Well, kudos for being-

Dick: Psychotic?

Fancypants: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the word he was looking for.

Dick: I mean, I know what it is-

Justin: Successful enough to fight it is what I was going to say.

Dick: I feel like Job.

Justin: It's like a-

Dick: God just keeps giving me these things that I have to think are funny. Like, "Your cleaning lady's calling you fat, and she has cancer. You have to find humor in that." Like, "Okay. Okay. Okay, you fucking, you dirty bitch, God. I'll find hour in that."

Justin: Well, it's all a joke. I mean, if you don't look at this life as just one big joke, then you're totally missing the point. Like, the whole point ... The linear progression of life is a joke. Like, all right, so you don't know anything in the beginning, and everybody's taking care of you, and then by the time you can take care of yourself, you don't

Dick: People who are not qualified to take care of you are taking care of you.

Justin: Yeah, people who are not qualified to take care-

Dick: People who fucked up are taking care of you.

Justin: Who have no idea how to take care of you, because they haven't taken care of anybody-

Dick: And one of them probably doesn't want you. At any given point, one of them regrets it.

Fancypants: Aw.

Justin: Then.

Dick: That's not an "Aw."

Fancypants: No, it's true. It's true.

Dick: No, but that's not, like ... That's not an "Aw" thing. That's normal. Like, even if you love your kid, like there's a point in your life of raising them where you're like, "I don't want this motherfucker anymore." Like, every parent think ... Every, single parent thinks that. I don't believe that they don't.

Fancypants: You just hope those moments are fleeting, but they probably aren't.

Dick: You hope that they don't act the way they feel. That's the key.

Fancypants: And they're spending the whole time trying to solve their problems with you.

Justin: Right. At the same time, they-

Dick: And they're in their 20s. They're the dumbest people on the planet.

Justin: When you finally have a thought in your head, you know? Like, by the time you become an adult, you're like, "Oh, here's a thought. I don't have enough money to do anything that I want."

Dick: Yeah, whoops.

Justin: So you spend the next 35 years like mad, scrambling for cash, and then you finally get it, and then you realize, "Shit, I didn't spend any of the time enjoying it when I had the time-"

Dick: Fuck, I didn't spend any of this money. I hoarded it all.

Justin: "... or the body to do it," so now you're 80, you're 70, you know, like, "I can't spend the money, and I can't." If you don't-

Dick: I need a Tesla.

Justin: If you sit back and you don't laugh at that, then that's the whole point. That's just God going, "Got you, bitch!" You know, like that's-

Fancypants: This has been super motivational. I'm going to go out and do great stuff tonight.

Dick: You going to write another book, Mr. Fancypants?

Justin: Well look, I mean, it's just-

Dick: A fucking book? You fucking asshole.

Fancypants: I really am.

Justin: If you're not laughing at the irony, that by the time you're aware to do anything about your state and place in the world, you're already dead, and that's reason for comedy right there. Like, that's the whole point. That is the only thing that really upsets me in the world is that if you don't see the humor in it, if everything is so serious, like Bill Hicks says, "I'm serious. Look at my job, and my life, and ..." Like, folks, we're all heading the same place, you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: I know where-

Dick: I'm so serious I need counseling. I need counseling to walk me to my death.

Justin: Or you can do what I do, which I highly recommend, which is forget I did shit the moment I did it, you know? Like, when you reminded me, I didn't even remember that we talked about Maddox on the last time, because you just said do it, and I was like, "Yeah, let's do this," and then you just brought it up. I'm like, "That's right, I did. That's right, we did have ... I was here. I remember coming down these." Everything I do, I'm immediately like, "Well, I don't need that information." That's why people around go, "You remember that shit you did?" "Yes, I do."

Fancypants: Yeah, we should check your mail, because you're probably being sued.

Justin: Probably. Probably.

Dick: Okay, let me play ... I'm going to play a cover. I need a mind break. This is from Myroom Records. I think he's going to be in Portland.

Sean: Oh, cool.

Dick: And the tickets for Portland ... We're doing live shows. You ever go up to Portland?

Justin: I have, yeah. Multiple times. I used to live up in Seattle.

Dick: February 24th. February 24th, we're doing a live show.

Justin: Where you guys going?

Sean: Portland.

Justin: [crosstalk 01:14:46]

Dick: The Secret Society.

Justin: Secret Society?

Dick: Secret Society Ballroom.

Justin: Nice. Very nice.

Dick: Yeah. Is it?

Justin: Yeah, it is.

Dick: I don't know, Diego set it up.

Justin: Yeah. It should be good, man. Portland's great. You're going to have a lot of fun up there.

Dick: This is a Your Welcome cover by Myroom Records, who's going to be in Portland with us.

Justin: You're Welcome from Moana?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: There you go. (singing)

Dick: A song about Maddox. (singing) It's like a fucking Disney song.

Justin: It is a Disney song.

Sean: It is, yeah.

Dick: I mean, like ...

Justin: It is literally a Disney song. (singing) You've got very talented listeners, man.

Dick: Dude, right?

Sean: No shit.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: Holy shit.

Dick: Like, that is-

Fancypants: Production value on that ...

Justin: It's very talented.

Sean: They send this shit in all the time. Like, we get-

Dick: All the fucking-

Sean: All the time.

Dick: All the time, man.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: They're so fucking good, and I'm too drunk to play it all and properly respond to it.

Fancypants: It's like Ben Folds when he got happy.

Sean: Yeah, yeah. For a minute, yeah.

Dick: It's Ben Folds when he was dating-

Sean: Yeah, for a second. Yeah.

Dick: ... the stripper from the Crazy Lady.

Fancypants: Okay.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the period of his life when he was dating that bitch from the Crazy Horse. Crazy ... Is it the Crazy Horse?

Sean: And then-

Justin: "Crazy Lady."

Sean: The guy from the band that I was in dated her afterwards.

Dick: Oh, really?

Sean: Yeah, she dated-

Dick: Okay, wait. Let me slow this down. Ben Folds dated a stripper from-

Sean: I can't.

Dick: ... Crazy Horse.

Sean: I don't remember her ... I-

Dick: Justin, you know. Don't pretend like you don't know the name of-

Justin: No, I know a Crazy Horse.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah. Crazy Horse Too. Crazy Horse.

Sean: I'm trying to think if I remember her name.

Dick: It was Kate.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Wasn't it.

Sean: Yeah, she-

Dick: The song, Kate, was based on that girl.

Sean: Yeah, he made up some bullshit about that it was somebody challenged him to write a song with a monosyllabic chorus.

Dick: No.

Sean: Yeah. Not true. Yeah. Not true.

Dick: That was his happiest, you could tell.

Sean: Yeah.

Fancypants: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: When he's tortured?

Sean: Yeah, she used to-

Dick: No, when he was with the stripper.

Sean: I think she danced under [crosstalk 01:18:52] or something.

Justin: Oh, that's just the-

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: So that's not tortured. That's-

Dick: Now he's got kids.

Justin: Ah.

Dick: He's like, "Oh, God, kill me."

Justin: Got you.

Dick: Every song is like some version of he's blinking, like, "Kill me. Kill me. Kill me."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Kill me. Kill me." Because I could come on the show and talk about being called a laughing loser, but my brother-in-law, he's being called a laughing loser to this day.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: So you're saying he's a brick and he's drowning slowly, is what you're saying?

Dick: Yeah.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Amazing. Humbling, amazing, great songs. You want to talk about the lawsuit stuff a little bit?

Sean: Oh, of course I do.

Dick: A little bit? Just a little bit?

Sean: I can't stay away from it. I mean, I'm just getting information from all sides. You know, like I don't go cruising the boards or anything like that.

Justin: I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.

Dick: Justin, it's funny. It's the funniest thing. I mean, like-

Justin: Stronger man. Let's hear the funny.

Dick: You would do it too.

Justin: No, I-

Fancypants: You got to laugh to keep from crying?

Justin: I would definitely do it too, if I had a show, and I had an empire. You do.

Dick: It is an empire. It's the cunt-

Fancypants: Don't tell him that.

Dick: The empire.

Justin: Don't tell him? Don't feed into it?

Fancypants: Yeah, it's building the ego. Yeah.

Justin: Well, he's going to have to have it.

Sean: Well, it turned out he's even funnier and deeper-

Dick: I don't need to be told.

Sean: ... than he ever thought, because he thought Dr. Phil was going to the high point of his life-

Dick: That was it.

Sean: ... and apparently, this lawsuit legitimized some, you know-

Dick: Two is a coincidence, three's a trend.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I need to find that third-

Sean: That's true.

Dick: That third fucking ... Once is a fluke, two is a coincidence, three's a trend.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I've got to find-

Fancypants: What would the third thing be? What's that ... Like, what would be the-

Dick: Maybe being president.

Fancypants: Sure.

Dick: You think Trump's got spicy tweets?

Justin: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah.

Dick: "Hey, everybody, I'm like Trump except I drink."

Justin: Oh, wow.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: That's my slogan.

Justin: Wow.

Dick: Guess what, I'm going to the first debate drunk as fuck. I'm debating a computer hologram of Hillary Clinton, because she's the only one who's ever going to run for the Democratic Party until the end of time. They're going to digitize her fucking duck-ass shit. It's going to be a computer amalgamation of her and Elizabeth Warren.

Justin: This is how long away we are from running for you, is going to be-

Dick: This is going to be the next one, dude.

Justin: Next one?

Dick: It's all Hillary until the end of time.

Justin: Next one again, they'll do the hologram?

Dick: Yeah. And it's going to be Chelsea Clinton wearing her mom's face, like Leatherhead.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: What? Is that in poor taste? What do you mean?

Sean: Just a terrible visual.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. And then Bill Clinton's going to come over and act like it's Hillary, and he's going to, like lick her ear and stuff on-

Justin: Oh.

Dick: Then it's going to be me on the other side, "Look, I'm drunk."

Sean: Yeah, "Who are you going to vote for?"

Dick: Who you going to vote for? I drink Bud ... First of all, I drink Bud Light, number one. I also drink other stuff.

Justin: Looking down at his can, he's like, "Oh."

Dick: That's going to be me campaign slogan, "I drink Bud Light-"

Justin: "And other stuff."

Dick: "What's up?"

Justin: And other stuff.

Dick: "And other stuff. What's up, America?"

Justin: It might be time. It might be time. Might be time to have a Dick president.

Dick: All right. It's fucked, though. It's so fucked.

Justin: Oh, I know.

Dick: Like, there's never not going to be another celebrity president. There's just never not going to be, because it's too good for business to be president.

Justin: That's a good point.

Dick: Like, the news covers you-

Justin: So, what's the chain of celebrities? Because, statistically speaking, you've got two years, two years ... two terms, two terms, two terms, so let's say Donald gets two-

Fancypants: Ugh.

Justin: So then who's at the backend of Donald? Look, man.

Dick: What do you mean, "Ugh?"

Fancypants: I mean, ugh.

Dick: I'll fucking knock you-

Fancypants: I know you will.

Dick: I'll kick you out of here.

Fancypants: Yeah, I know you will.

Dick: I'll call the cops on your ass.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Say, "This guy-"

Sean: "He has a replica gun."

Dick: "This weird white guy had a weird fall down my stairs, and then he needs to be arrested. He tried to grab at my penis while he was falling down the stairs."

Fancypants: Yeah. Plausible.

Dick: All right. So, here's the funny thing about the lolsuit. Weber Shandwick, the biggest PR firm on the planet, maybe, they filed-

Sean: In like 30 countries, or something like that.

Dick: They're huge.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They're getting sued, along with me and everybody else. Weber Shandwick filed their response, and they put in their response to Maddox's lawsuit, a restraining order that '80s Girl, my girlfriend, had to get on Maddox's girlfriend, because they were calling her job ... Like, it was ... We've talked about it on the show before, but they put the restraining order in the document, saying, "These people are insane." Like, these people are ... They're so insane that they had to have a restraining order brought-

Justin: Jesus.

Dick: ... brought upon them and granted, but here's the funny part. They blacked out Jane Doe's name, but they left all of our shit in. Like, they left all of '80s Girl's information in there, the phone ... Like, Weber Shandwick, the guy goes, "Okay, well, we're going to black ..." It says, literally on the form, "Person to be protected," wide open.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Person that is-"

Sean: Restrained.

Dick: "Person that is restrained," blacked, like protected, blacked out. It's like, this is the funniest shit. This is the funniest commentary on people I'll ever see in my life, and it's all happening in real time-

Sean: How big a-

Dick: That a fucking lawyer making 500, 700, $1,000 an hour said, "Well, I got to black this bitch out, because ... I got to block this bitch out, because the person who is restrained-"

Sean: Or not look at what their intern did.

Dick: "Black it out."

Sean: "I need you to go through and black out the-"

Justin: Tell me that was an error.

Dick: No.

Fancypants: Everyone's incompetent.

Dick: No, so-

Fancypants: Everyone.

Dick: No, because they don't give a fuck.

Sean: I couldn't fucking believe that.

Dick: That's the whole point-

Sean: I couldn't believe that.

Dick: So I shot an email off to my attorney, who is a woman. Who is a woman because that's how little I respect Maddox's lawsuit. She's listened to the show, too.

Fancypants: Perfect.

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: She's great. She's really-

Fancypants: Good save.

Dick: She's really great.

Justin: The amount of dive-catches he's making are just beautiful. It's a long fly ball. Looks like it's about to be a ... No, he reaches over the fence, pulls it back in. What a talented catch. We thought that was out of here, for sure.

Dick: Look, if I was getting sued for something I did, I'd get a man to defend me, obviously. Anyway, I emailed Sarah, saying, "Hey, Sarah. They left all personal deets in. Like, they put the restraining order in," which is fucked, because people are now actually seeing what the restraining order was. Like, Maddox's girlfriend calling '80s Girl's school, how many times she did it, statements from people who worked at the school, of what she said, and what she said was things that only Maddox knew.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Like, "I'm going to ..." So, they're obviously working in cahoots.

Sean: Oh, for sure. For sure.

Justin: What's going on, man?

Sean: I think she-

Fancypants: It's totally normal behavior.

Sean: Look-

Justin: What is this?

Sean: No, she has thrown more gasoline on that fire than-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You could not get two worse people together for each other.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Oh my gosh.

Dick: But they black out ... "Person to be protected," wide open. Person they need protection from, blacked ... It's just so ... It's so bizarre that this is America, right? Like, this is the democracy ... This is, like, the farcical, satirical democracy that we live in. I don't know, I thought that part was funny.

Justin: That is very funny.

Sean: So, I mean, you talked to your lawyer. Is she like, "That's not okay"?

Dick: Yeah, she emailed the other lawyer, and they're like, "Oh yeah, we'll black it out and refile."

Sean: Yeah. Okay, great.

Justin: Oops.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Sean: Okay, yeah.

Fancypants: Perfect.

Justin: Oops.

Sean: What the fuck kind of response is that?

Dick: And I'm like, "All right, that's cool, but how much did that cost me? How much did that email fucking cost me?"

Justin: You know what that is, that's Sam Rockwell saying fuck last night on SNL.

Dick: Did he say fuck?

Justin: Yeah, he did.

Fancypants: Oh, nice.

Justin: On the East Coast broadcast, he said fuck. Then they're like, "Don't worry, we'll cut it out when we go to the West Coast feed." And you're like, it already was said.

Fancypants: It happened. Yeah.

Justin: You said it. It's America in 2018.

Dick: You did it.

Justin: Huh? Yeah.

Dick: Like, you actually did it.

Justin: You already did it.

Dick: That's the problem.

Justin: See, it was said. We have Twitter, and it's there. It's like, I saw it last night. I caught the West Coast. I didn't see it on there. I saw it on Twitter. Someone's like, "Rockwell said fuck." There it is, right there.

Fancypants: Well, and who are you protecting at that point?

Justin: Nobody.

Fancypants: I mean, honestly.

Justin: You're protecting the sensibilities of the people who were going to tune into SNL and be offended.

Dick: Not safe for women. The FCC ... Like, you can't say fuck on the air. Why? It's not kids. Kids love hearing fuck. They love saying fuck. I know that this is true. You know who doesn't like saying fuck? Broads, Mr. Fancypants.

Justin: I actually think ... If this was a broad thing, it would be different. There would be actual success with it. I'm saying it's ... I hate to say this, because you're going to get mad. It's old white dudes who hate the word fuck. That's it. It's old white dudes, who are like ... Because I'll do comedy shows and they'll be like, "Listen, everything was good except until you said the F work," and I'm like, "The F word? You didn't mind all the other parables I made about sex," and they're like, "Well, you don't have to say it." I'm like, "You're saying it in your head. You're going to do it tonight. You're watching ..."

  "Listen, I watch good, clean shows like CSI," and like CSI, where they say, "There was ... Well, let's just start with her cavities were filled with the man's semen," and you're like, "That's what you started with, but you can't hear the word fuck?" Like, you can hear, "Well, her head was torn off, and the man's genitals were severed and put in a coffee can over there, and this fucking," "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. My sensible ears."

Sean: "In my day, you didn't have to work blue to be funny."

Justin: Right, exact. "We just liked Don Rickles. [inaudible 01:29:34] He didn't say fuck," and you're like, "Exactly. It was just the most racist and bigoted things you ever heard," and you're like, "But fuck, that's the line. We can't say the word fuck. That's ..." and you can say anything on television now, on broadcast television. We're all the way up to fuck. That's the last barrier.

Fancypants: I watched-

Justin: Every other-

Fancypants: ... CNN the other day, with shithole-

Dick: Shitholes!

Fancypants: [crosstalk 01:29:54]

Sean: They love saying it, too. They love saying it.

Fancypants: And every slur I think I've ever heard all in the space of 30 seconds.

Dick: Oh, man. I learned some new slurs from that. I learned some new slurs. I'm a 35 year old racist, and I learned slurs from CNN.

Fancypants: What was mackerel eater? I didn't know that was a thing.

Dick: What is a ... It's a Roman Catholic thing, apparently.

Sean: What?

Dick: It's a slur for old, white people.

Fancypants: Really? Okay.

Sean: What is?

Dick: Mackerel eaters.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Yeah, mackerel eater.

Justin: Like a fish? Like the fish?

Dick: Yeah.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: Like the fish?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: This is a real slogan.

Justin: Are we talking about the fish here?

Sean: Stop with the black stereotypes.

Dick: All right. So, Weber Shandwick is petitioning to move it to commercial court, the lawsuit.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Commercial court?

Dick: Yeah, from what I've learned from Nick Rikeita ... It's Rikeita, right?

Sean: No, Rikeita.

Dick: Rikeita, that's what I thought. Everybody in commercial court has to be on top of their game. Like, if you show up and say, "I'm not familiar with the case. I need a day to look at it," they're going to say, "Dismissed." Like, that's it. It's like a lightning round. They're petitioning to move it to like lightning round court, and apparently, my attorneys are doing this, too. I didn't know that.

Sean: Wow. I guess that's the thing to do. I didn't know.

Dick: And, they can assign damages, so Maddox has, from like his animated series, or his video game, or all these projects that he's always making, that they're raking in the money, the judge in New York can just decide to make him pay for everybody's attorneys' costs.

Sean: Yeah. Okay.

Dick: That motherfucker could end up ... That guy could end up owing like 100, $200,000.

Sean: True, very easily.

Dick: Whatever attorneys want to charge him for.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's fucking wild, dude.

Sean: Can the judge go, "This is the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen"? Can he just assign damages based on that?

Dick: Yes. He can just go-

Sean: Oh, so this is ... Yeah.

Dick: He can just go, "You're paying everybody, because-"

Sean: This is fucking dumb.

Dick: "... this is so fucking dumb."

Sean: Yeah. Perfect.

Dick: Because you've sued people in the wrong state, for weird amounts of money, and you've got too many apostrophes in your lawsuit.

Justin: He can, absolutely.

Sean: With no facts to back up ascertains.

Dick: I think he really ... I think he really fucked up.

Sean: You think?

Dick: But ending at ... Like, it's one thing to try to cost Asterios's job, and me my job, and like whatever reputation, blah blah blah, but it's another thing to sue Patreon, and these giant companies, and get hit for attorneys' fees that are going to easily hit $100,000.

Sean: Because in his-

Justin: Wait, wait, wait, wait. He's suing the big companies, too?

Sean: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fancypants: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Maddox is suing the companies that employ people who work on this show, like Asterios, the Adam Panache guy, that guy that just called in, Adam Panache.

Justin: Right, right.

Dick: He's suing his actual place of employment, in real life, who happens to be the biggest PR-

Sean: PR firm on the-

Dick: ... company in the world.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah, but why would you-

Fancypants: Yeah, it's all very confusing.

Sean: You're going to hurt yourself. You're going to hurt yourself.

Dick: And, here's the fucking greatest part. So Heather, this fake ... So, this is-

Sean: Oh my god.

Dick: Now that all this lawsuit shit has come out, in the lawsuit, Weber Shandwick, the PR company, has said, "This person, Heather, contacted us as a fake reporter, and said that this guy, Asterios, is like a misogynist, and is part of an alt-right bullying ..." Asterios is the most liberal guy on the planet. Asterios thinks that ... He wants to un-invent guns and he thinks that every soldier should have tits, mandatory.

Fancypants: Male or female? Just add tits?

Dick: No, no. He doesn't believe in gender roles. He thinks that there's only gender, and that that gender should have tits.

Justin: Just so we can get it out there, to the people who ... to Maddox, who filed this, it's not against any law to have an opinion.

Fancypants: Oh, no. It is.

Justin: Like, literally, it's not-

Sean: If it makes you feel bad, it is. There's a law against that.

Justin: So he's suing emotional damage. Is that what-

Dick: Yes. Yeah. And he's saying like him and his girlfriend are in therapy to get over being called a ... In his words ... I would never say words like this, but he says, "A cuck and a faggot," online.

Justin: Right. So he's ... Oh, okay.

Dick: I don't even say words like that in my own shower, when I'm by myself.

Sean: No.

Dick: No.

Justin: How did you meet this guy? I can't remember-

Dick: We had the same editor in our stupid books. Like, we wrote comedy books, and we had the same editor.

Sean: Why isn't he being sued?

Dick: Good question.

Sean: Yeah.

Justin: Oh my gosh.

Dick: I'm trying to find-

Sean: You've got, like about a month's worth of research to do.

Dick: Oh, dude, it's the greatest story ever told.

Sean: And you will wear a dent in your forehead from smacking it with your palm. You'll just be-

Justin: I mean-

Sean: You'll go, "No, no. This can't be ... No, this is a joke, right? This is ..." I still think that sometimes, where it's, "Is this the world's greatest troll?" But very quickly, you find, no, of course not, but-

Justin: I can't believe what I'm hearing. Like, this is ... It's incredible, but yeah.

Dick: Okay, so this picture I'm showing you guys right now, this is what the fake reporter, Heather, sent to Weber Shandwick, to try to get Asterios fired, this image. You see this image. It's like a made image of me and Asterios laughing, and then it's got this quote from my book, Men Are Better Than Women, which I'm not going to read the quote, because it's ... You can't read a single quote from a satire book and have it make sense. It's like, you have to be sitting there holding the book, and knowing it's a joke, reading an entire article of why it's satire, and then getting to the line. It's like taking one quote ... It's like taking a bar of music out of the middle of the song, and being like, "Here, this music really sucks ..." It's like-

Sean: Yeah, well like-

Dick: It's not the fucking song!

Justin: If you did that, you could take ...

Sean: No, that's a perfect analogy, though.

Dick: It is, though, because that's satire. It's the entire character. It's the entire work that you're reading and participating in, the there's a line in that makes you ... It's like, "Oh, yeah, from this ..." It's all about resolution.

Fancypants: Well then, on top of that, he's assigning it to someone else, right?

Dick: Oh, and he's got us giggling like jackasses about the topic of rape, which is an incredibly, like, heavy topic. And he sent ... Heather. Heather, this fake-

Sean: Heavy on the comedy, that is.

Dick: Heather, the fake reporter, sent this to all the female executives of Weber Shandwick, we're finding.

Sean: Oh, it's just so-

Dick: It's unbelievable, but, but, but, this dumb fuck, Maddox, used the same fucking font to make this image that he uses on his website.

Sean: It's just so ... Oh.

Dick: Isn't that hilarious?

Fancypants: It's just easier.

Justin: Wow.

Dick: '80s Girl caught it. She's like, "I know that font. That's his website font."

Sean: Yeah, everybody ... If it wasn't just so fucking-

Justin: No one's ever had that strong an opinion about me in either direction. This is incredible-

Dick: To sue you?

Justin: No, to be mad or love of any level, like either end of the spectrum.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: You've done it, man.

Dick: My dad told me when I was a kid, "If you're not getting sued, you're not successful enough."

Sean: Well that's-

Dick: I'm not ... He said that. He's like-

Fancypants: That sounds like it.

Dick: "Lawsuits happen. If you're not-"

Sean: You're not in business unless you're being sued.

Dick: Yeah, unless you're being sued.

Justin: To quote Katt Williams, "If there are any haters in here who don't have anybody to hate on, feel free to hate on me."

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: That's his ... I mean, you know, you hit it right on the head, there.

Dick: All right, let me see ... Oh no, we've been going for a long time. I can't tell time when I'm drunk.

Sean: We're at about an hour-

Dick: Jordan Cope, though, he sued the customer service rep Jordan Cope ... I got to get that guy something. That sucks. Jordan Cope suffered because of me.

Sean: Yeah, because he didn't ... I don't know, he didn't take his complaint seriously enough from this ... Yeah.

Dick: Just a guy trying to do his job. Like, I don't know what to do. There's several dozen hours of content around this lawsuit, from lawyers, who are on YouTube talking about law, and they're going over what a stupid thing this is. I don't know how to condense it into the show.

Justin: You don't have to. You just keep it going.

Dick: Yeah, I'll just keep it ... Just keep it going.

Justin: Wow, man.

Dick: What are we at? What time are we at?

Justin: It's 12:40-

Sean: It's an hour 40, we've been going?

Dick: We've been going for an hour 40?

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: Fuck! All right, let's wrap it up. You want to stick around for voicemails?

Allen: Hey, Dick, real quick?

Justin: Sure.

Dick: What's up? What's up?

Allen: Did you know that Nick Rikeita's making more money than Maddox is on Patreon, now?

Sean: I knew that.

Dick: Oh, I had heard that.

Allen: So good.

Dick: So a lawyer, a Dickhead, Nick Rikeita, he started going over the lawsuit, and he ... You know, webcam, he makes videos about it and talks, and explains it to people. You know, if it wasn't for Nick Rikeita, I wouldn't have read any of the documents.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Because-

Sean: He goes through them. He's fantastic at it.

Dick: God, he's good. He makes it so simple to understand, and he skips over the stupid parts, and he makes fun of apostrophes, but he's making more money on Patreon than Maddox is now. A guy who's started his thing just to make fun of ... You got to get a Patreon, Justin, I guess.

Justin: Yeah, apparently, I got to get a lot of stuff. I got to get some haters. I got to get myself a podcast, a Patreon, shoot a gun.

Dick: You need a podcast.

Justin: Shoot a gun, do crossword puzzles.

Dick: Let's go shoot guns.

Justin: What do you recommend?

Dick: What do you like? You like a shotgun?

Justin: Well, I mean, a shotgun seems like ... It doesn't seem as much fun. That seems like-

Dick: You like a handgun?

Justin: Yeah, what-

Dick: Are you a revolver guy, or are you like a Matrix kind of guy?

Justin: I don't know any of the kickback or recoil that I'm facing, so what do you-

Dick: No, no, no. Just think about what's cool. Do you like, like a revolver, where it's like ... and you pull it back-

Justin: Yeah, probably.

Dick: ... or do you like a cop gun, you're like, "I'm Justin Rupple. I'm here to fucking set down the law."

Justin: I'd probably be more a six shooter, yeah, like a revolver.

Dick: I got a good revolver-

Fancypants: Dick, do you still have your comical hand cannon thing?

Dick: Yeah, I got a .357 that's 14 inches long.

Fancypants: Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Dick: It's awesome.

Justin: A Desperado gun.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. All right, we'll go up to ... No, well me, you, and Coach, and Jamie will go up to throw that last one in.

Justin: Hey, listen man. I've never done it. If I'm going to do it with somebody, you know?

Dick: It's great.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: It changes your thinking.

Justin: It's great.

Fancypants: You guys could do cocaine, and go out there, and shoot.

Justin: Do a couple lines, grab some guns, go out into the desert, shoot things, not so much actual things, but more air, and rocks, and stuff. It'll be great. We'll have a good time. We'll get sued.

Dick: All right. This is by Ken Doll In Hyde. We're going to play some voicemails after this. Hey, everybody. You've been listening to The Dick Show. Go to, Justin Rupple, thank you for joining us today.

Justin: Thank you for having me. My pleasure.

Dick: What do you want to plug? Anything-

Justin: I'm in Reno next week at the Performing Arts Center, and then I'm in seven different schools next ... the week after that. I don't need to plug those.

Dick: Schools?

Justin: Yeah. Schools, like colleges and stuff. I can't even remember the names of them.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: That'd be fun.

Justin: It will be-

Dick: How old are you?

Justin: 34.

Dick: 34.

Justin: I had to think about it.

Dick: That's a good time to go back to school, right?

Justin: Right. Right, exactly. They're like, "This is what dashed dreams look like." They get a fresh look on-

Dick: No, but they're-

Justin: I'm fucking with you.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: No, no, no. It's good. It's good.

Dick: That is what dreams look like.

Justin: It is, dude. I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do when I went to college. I just didn't need to go to college to do it.

Dick: What'd you go to college for?

Justin: Broadcast journalism with a double major in sociology.

Dick: You were going to be like a weatherman?

Justin: That's exactly what I was going to be. I shit you not. That was the first thing I got offered out of college. They were like, "Do you want to be the weatherman?" I thought about it for a while, but then I had to sign a behavioral clause, like, "You can't do this, and this, and this," and I'm like, "Nope."

Dick: Like what?

Justin: Like, you can't go out to-

Dick: Can't fuck broads?

Justin: After your show, you can't go out to bars, you can't go out to clubs. If we see you smoking, or drinking, or anything that's in the public eye and we have your name ... our name on you, we can ... There was just a performance clause and all this-

Dick: You can't go to bars?

Justin: No. You can't drink with any of the ... If you're recognizable, and you're a news source, according to these networks, then you need to be one of the trusted people, so you can't do this, and I'm like, "Dude, I am going to mess that up in a second, and my career's going to be gone."

Dick: Why, though? That'd be fun as hell.

Justin: I mean, you'd think so. You would want to sit down with the guy who's wearing the Channel 4 shirt, and [crosstalk 01:43:08]

Dick: What would be your weatherman name?

Justin: Oh, boy, Justin Case, or something like that.

Fancypants: Nice. Nice.

Justin: "And, we're going to find out what's happening with the weather with Justin Case. Justin." "How's it going out there? Well, just in case you were thinking about going out in shorts, I wouldn't recommend it. This week, we're going to see highs in the upper-70s, lows down to the mid-40s, 30% chance of precipitation. We've got a low-pressure front moving in from the west. Shouldn't stay around too long, do a little bit of dumping in the low highland areas. Like I said, the feel out there is about five degrees below for wind chill effect, but I think all-in-all, it's going to be a great week, Dan. Back to you."

Dick: "Just in case you were worried."

Justin: "Just in case you were worried about this-"

Dick: Yeah, you got to throw it in at the end.

Justin: "This has been your weather, just in case you were planning on going outside. Dan." "Thanks, Justin."

Dick: Why do we want that? Why do we want to be weathermen?

Justin: Stormy Weather, or what is his name? Something Rain-

Dick: Oh, that guy. We've got Dallas Raines [crosstalk 01:44:10]

Sean: Dallas Raines, yeah.

Fancypants: And he's like orange, which is fantastic. I don't know, he's like an unnatural color.

Dick: Oh, man.

Justin: We need that because it's so silly that someone's even forecasting the weather anymore. Like, I was flying last week, and they had it down to the hour. They're like, "At 5:00 AM, it's going to start snowing." Right? And sure enough, 5:00 AM comes, and it starts snowing. Why are we even going to the weather guy anymore? "What's it going to be like? I don't know, let's check the app. Well, shit. There's my job. Back to you."

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Like, that's it, man. That's it.

Dick: I just want somebody to talk to me like that all the time, though.

Justin: With that voice?

Dick: Yeah. That's why I think everybody's so afraid of Nazis, it's like, "I really want someone to talk to me like a weather ... Like, in that weird, controlled, affected voice."

Justin: The non-regional diction is either comforting or terrifying. It's either one of the two. That's what my accent is, is non-regional diction, so you can sound really comforting, like, "We will always be together, and this kind of adversity will only link us stronger, and the bonds together," or you could say really creepy shit. You could be like, "It's about time this world had another apocalypse, and let's face it, I think it would be a good thing for billions and billions to perish." You're like, "Whoa."

Fancypants: That's why the behavioral clause. [crosstalk 01:45:38] We look to them for our moral compass.

Justin: Exactly. It's like, "He was on The Dick Show, talking about some crazy shit."

Dick: All right, Justin Rupple. You got anything to plug, Mr. Fancypants?

Fancypants: I don't, no.

Dick: You going to plug your fucking book?

Fancypants: No, we're good.

Dick: Whatever it is.

Fancypants: Last time, I ruined that, so we're all-

Dick: Pushing up Crazies.

Fancypants: I ruined it last time, so we're good.

Dick: This guy wrote a book.

Justin: Is it called Pushing up Crazies?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: That's a brilliant title.

Dick: Yeah.

Fancypants: Well, I figured you know, it rides on the coattails of other things.

Dick: Let me try to find the review that somebody wrote.

Fancypants: Oh, good. This is going to be rough.

Dick: All right.

Justin: Pushing up Pubes.

Dick: This is a track of he hes.

Sean: Oh god.

Dick: It's not really a song, I guess. It's just a bunch of he hes. This is Ken Doll In Hyde.

Sean: Eight and a half minutes.

Dick: Eight and a half minutes of he hes.

Sean: I don't know how long it is.

Dick: All right, I'm going to play some voicemail. So the guy who's suing us, he like talks to listeners, to fans, and then they leak his conversations, and he-

Sean: Had to learn to not do it.

Dick: He says "He He" a lot, like H-E H-E, when he's talking to other men online. So they're making fun ... This is why we're getting sued, shit like this. You want to hear Facebook News?

Sean: It's kind of growing on me.

Dick: Me too.

Justin: What is happening?

Dick: I don't know, Justin! I don't fucking know!

Sean: Dick just yelled Justin off of his chair.

Justin: Yeah.

Dick: All right, I'm going to play some Facebook News.

Sean: Okay.

Fancypants: It's oddly calming. You could, like, listen to this before bed or something.

Speaker 9: Hello, Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook Group News for the last couple of days. Top story this week is Gabe Benitez, who years ago, sold a table to a man on craigslist. The buyer, after a few emails, offered to help Gabe save some cash regarding moving the table. The buyer promised it was nothing illegal, and two emails later, Gabe was being offered to have his feet tickled for cash. It required quote, "An open mind," and was promised there would be no sex involved, just feet tickling. Gabe would sell him the table anyway, but declined his generous offer.

  Dickheads were asked what's the most Dickhead reason or way you've broken up with someone? Here are a few of the most notable and shitty answers. Carrie dumped a guy once because she found out he was a virgin. [Rance's 01:48:21] ex had inverted nipples and it freaked him out. Amanda broke up with a guy to be with another guy who played guitar. Eric's long-term relationship ended when Eric's friend-

Sean: All young, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Speaker 9: ... pointed out how she would be ugly when she was older. Eric saw his point and dumped her. And lastly, Sadie's ex was taking pictures of her mother's feet, and he was also jerking off to foot fetish videos.

  Last up is Brian Gibson, who was solicited to peddle dope for a coworker of his. The guy heard that Brian was quote, "Cool," and the guy pretended like it was just weed at first. However, after a few minutes of conversation-

Sean: Sudoku.

Speaker 9: ... the product shifted to pills, opioids, and heavy amounts of weed. Brian passed on the job offer-

Male: Oh, and some weed.

Speaker 9: ... citing Tennessee's strict drug laws as the reason to decline.

Justin: Tennessee.

Speaker 9: This has been The Dick Show Facebook Group News for the last couple days.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: That's our Facebook Group News.

Justin: You guys have somebody reading you news?

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: What the-

Dick: This is the news of the Facebook group, stuff that's happened.

Justin: This is fucking incredible.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: You guys' fan-ship is amazing. [crosstalk 01:49:22]

Dick: Oh, they're the fucking best, man.

Justin: You guys really ... Nothing else in this world, should be able to bother, knowing you guys have people who are reading your fan page news, and-

Dick: This is why we're getting sued.

Justin: That's why? Because people-

Dick: Because we're having so much fun. Dude, I'm convinced. I'm convinced, if you're having too much fun, you're going to get shit on. They're going to try to take it away from you, if you have anything nice.

Justin: Yeah. You know, that's ... There is a ... I can't argue with that.

Fancypants: Super optimistic.

Justin: Well, I know he's ... Look, you-

Dick: People like you, it might be. You never know.

Justin: If you get to a certain point, there's a lot of people who don't want to do the work to have the fun, and they want to tear down instead. That's literally what we do in this country. We build up a star. We tear them down for our entertainment.

Sean: And then root for a comeback.

Justin: And then we sit there and go, "When do we allow you to come back?" Because we want you to, every single time. It's almost like we get off on the hero-

Dick: Destruction.

Justin: ... building. Yeah, it's like every ... You say you're the builder. I say America's, like, "We create celebrities and then destroy them for our entertainment."

Dick: Yeah, it's fun.

Justin: Yeah, it's-

Dick: It's great.

Justin: It happens to everybody.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Justin: Like, I can't do a whole bunch of voices in my act anymore, for that reason.

Dick: Wait, why? Because they sued you?

Justin: No.

Fancypants: No, recent developments, probably.

Justin: Recent developments.

Dick: Oh, no, like Cosby?

Justin: No, I never did Cosby, no.

Fancypants: Louis C.K.?

Dick: Weinstein? Oh, Louis C.K.

Sean: Weinstein was such a comedic favorite for impressions, right?

Justin: Yeah. [crosstalk 01:51:10]

Fancypants: People are like, "I know this guy so well."

Sean: It's like, "Oh my God. I've got the best Weinstein, but I just can't do it anymore."

Dick: "Everybody stand back."

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's a bummer.

Justin: Well, it is a bummer, and there's more and more stuff happening where you're like, it's somebody else fucking up that's fucking up my fun, you know?

Dick: Oh, yeah. I know about that.

Justin: In that case, I was making ... I was having a lot of people have a lot of joy from seeing me do a little magic trick of turning into somebody else, but now, my SNL video last year, in March, before anything dropped down, was Al Franken, Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K., and T.J. Miller, and now-

Dick: And the devil.

Fancypants: Oh, so it's your fault.

Justin: Yeah, apparently.

Fancypants: You actually, yeah.

Justin: Now people are calling me with like Vengeance. "Could you do an impression of my roommate, you know? Like, that'd be great." And, you know, there's nothing-

Dick: You can't do Kevin Spacey? His was funny, though.

Justin: It doesn't matter.

Dick: Because of his "I'm gay" thing.

Justin: Look, it doesn't matter. I can come here because we're friends, and I go wherever I want. I'm an independent contractor, by myself.

Dick: You're a private business. You can do whatever you want.

Justin: That's right. And inversely, I like people, and I also-

Sean: Idiot.

Justin: ... need to go in front ... I know, right? I'm such a fucking moron, and I go in front of all these audiences, and I want to go in front of as many as possible, and I don't want to be shot by the open carry laws, so I find a way to dance that line. That's the live comic's line. You guys, and Stern, and Leykis, and all those guys, and everybody along-

Dick: Dope.

Justin: Yeah, along those ... Listen-

Dick: Fuck broads.

Justin: That exists so that we can continue to be uncomfortable in the freedom that made the country what it is, and if people get uncomfortable, it's-

Sean: Perfectly okay to sue for hundreds of millions of dollars.

Justin: That's the problem. That's the essence of the problem, is that uncomfortable thought is what pushed us to the greatest nation on the planet. Uncomfortable thoughts, that every once in a while we had to be like, "Well, do we think this as a whole, or do we not?" And if we went back in time and went, "I don't know if this whole thing is very appropriate. We shouldn't be talking about this, because it makes me feel bad," then we wouldn't be here. Like, that's the whole point of this. Now, we're doing it on the air now. It's just a different form of the same thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: But, you know. More power to all of you.

Dick: Here's a voicemail.

Speaker 10: Yo, guys. You know what makes me a fucking rage? People who have to be funny in office presentations. I just started a new job. [crosstalk 01:53:53] I'm doing all these fucking office presentations, and I'm talking, like, 8:00 to 5:00, just in an office all day, presenter after presenter, and every fucking one of them has to add these little off-color remarks, like, "Oh, I know this is the part you're most excited about." And then they see their fucking joke is failing, but they continue with it because that's all they have. I mean, apparently their information isn't enough to carry out. "I'm trying to add a little fun by adding these fucking retarded remarks through my presentation."

  They'll just try and make you laugh, but they fail miserable and they still continue with them, and it fucking pisses me off to no end, and eventually, some person ... Usually, every now and then there's one guy, that's somewhat funny, but overall, they fucking suck. I don't know, man. You know, have a good day. Go fuck yourself.

Dick: Yeah. He's right.

Justin: He is right.

Dick: Office humor, just shut the fuck up while I'm trying to do this ... "Oh, I bet it would be you." Hey, go outside. Go against the wall. That's my perfect office presentation, if you speak, and you don't get a laugh, you've got to go stand with your facing the wall. Like, you got to go in timeout.

Justin: You need Liam there, is what you need.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: Listen, Garry, you're not funny. You know why you're an accountant? Because you can't tell a fucking joke, Garry. Do me a favor, go outside and play hide-and-go-seek in traffic. Dodge some cars. None of that was funny.

Dick: Yeah. Your observations are not cutting it in this PowerPoint presentation. Go to the bathroom and put your mouth on the faucet, and you have to sit there until the next person fucks up in this meeting, until somebody else thinks they're fucking funny, and then they're going to go relieve ... They're going to pat you on the back. They're not going to say anything. You're not going to make eye contact with each other. You're going to disconnect your mouth from the faucet. They're going to put their mouth on the faucet. You're going to come back to the meeting and shut the fuck up. That's how my meeting goes, in my office.

Justin: You know who I just realized you are? You are if Sam Kinison ... Hold on, Sam Kinison fucked John Belushi and we had like a giant baby, that grew up to have a show. Sam Kinison and Belushi. It's a good fucking combination.

Dick: Yeah.

Justin: I totally see it.

Dick: Yeah, I'm really fucking tired of people trying to fucking interrupt meetings. We're all here. You're stealing time. You're stealing time from us.

Justin: And think about how much ... Do you know how much time that guy put into the jokes, too? Like, "This'll be a good one. I'm going to do a joke about how ... There's red here, in this column. Don't get worried." Now I'm turning into John-

Dick: You're a human fucking minion. Shut your ass up. Go to the bathroom, put your mouth around the faucet, shut the fuck ... Because you got to really crank your head around to get your mouth on the faucet in an office bathroom.

Justin: No one's ever come from one of those meetings and said, "How was your day today, honey?" "Well, I'll tell you. It wasn't going that great."

Dick: "But this guy-"

Justin: "But Brad, he was doing something about how our net goals have just not been hitting the first quarter. I got to tell you, he said something that was so funny." "What was it?" "Something about shoes. Anyway, kill me, would you please? This is the height of my joy."

Dick: It's humor for people who don't have dicks, and I don't mean women. It's people who have no sex organs.

Justin: Ken Dolls.

Coach Cake: Hey, Dick, Coach Cake.

Dick: Coach Cake, Sean.

Coach Cake: I got a rage for you today, that I think you guys have probably mentioned on this show that you enjoy this thing, and I do as well, to some extent, but it doesn't mean I can't rage about it, and that's classic rock. All the old fucks that I work with, that's all they can listen to.

Dick: Come in, get on camera.

Coach Cake: They're songs that have been out for close to 50 years, now, and if all you can listen to, if all you can do is relive shit from-

Sean: This one's at Jamie.

Coach Cake: ... 50 years ago, just fuck off. It's all too slow.

Jamie: Fuck you, dude.

Coach Cake: It's all too simple. I mean-

Dick: What?

Coach Cake: There are definitely-

Dick: I didn't say this.

Coach Cake: ... some gems-

Jamie: Not you, him.

Coach Cake: ... there, but if I have to listen to More Than a Feeling, or Ozzy's War Pigs, or fucking Black Dog, or Don't Stop Believing, or any of these shit-ball songs that I've heard probably 100 times each-

Dick: Uh-huh (affirmative). I'm going to fucking die. I want to fucking die-

Coach Cake: ... I'm going to grab a-

Dick: If I have to listen to it again.

Coach Cake: ... fucking baby boomer by the throat, rip it out, and shove it up their Metamucil ass. This is-

Dick: "I don't even like Ozzy." [crosstalk 01:58:57]

Coach Cake: ... I can't stand for this shit. It's all ... You can tell, all of the songs were just like, "Hey, bro. You know, what if I were to talk about this girl, but it's like, I got a feeling about her, man, but-"

Sean: But it's more than that.

Coach Cake: "... it's more than a feeling." [crosstalk 01:59:14] (singing) "Don't you think that'd be a hit, man?" And it is. For 50 fucking years it's a hit. What the fuck, man? And it's not even the baby boomers that are doing this? I work with fucking 30, 40, 50 year olds, and I know fucking kids my age that listen to this shit, and that's all they listen to.

Dick: Millennials. Millennials. Millennials.

Coach Cake: What the fuck, you fucking traitor? You know how much music we have out today that is ... It's not much fucking better, but at least it's new. I want to grab those fuckers and put them in an old folks home, and make them live there-

Dick: This guy should have a podcast.

Coach Cake: ... until they kill themselves with the sheets in their bedroom.

Sean: Yeah, he's-

Justin: He's on point.

Coach Cake: What the fuck?

Justin: But the best part is-

Coach Cake: Cheers. Go fuck yourself.

Justin: Cheers. Go fuck yourself. There it is. I'm curious how old he is, because-

Sean: In his 20s, probably.

Justin: [crosstalk 02:00:05] because-

Dick: 25, you think? I think he's 25.

Justin: Here's the best part about it.

Dick: 27.

Justin: I'm going to find his favorite band and I'll be like, "Oh, is it System of a Down? What is it, like you love whatever Rage Against the Machine?" He's like, "We'll just play more Rage." Cut to 50 years from now, "Listen, I'm listening to this classic rock station. I will not fuck you and do what you tell me. I will not."

Dick: "I am not going to rage against the machine."

Justin: "Let me tell you something. The machines have made our lives better, and I don't know why anybody would rage against a machine, you fucking morons. Why was that even a hit back then? We all know-"

Dick: "Without the machines, Trump was president."

Justin: "We all now know that the best time in American history was 1985 through 2025, and then when, you know, the sentient beings took over from the other planet, I don't need to listen to this shit anymore." That's going to be what's going to happen. But, it's good now. It's good now. That's me agreeing with him, if that-

Dick: No, he's right.

Justin: No, he is right.

Dick: He's right, because more people know the Immigrant Song than know the fucking Constitution.

Justin: Here's-

Dick: It's like, it's going to outlive the goddamn document that founded the country, is the Led Zeppelin soundtrack.

Justin: Here's your ticket out, bro, the ticket out of any money issues we have in the world. Number one thing you got to do is build one classic rock sounding song with four elements. You need number one, an opening either jazz or blues riff, right? Right?

Dick: Oh, yeah. Wait, we can do this. I'm going to do that, and you do the new bar.

Justin: And then you got to add some sort of lyric that's god-like, right? So something like (singing).

Dick: Sean, do a guitar.

Justin: And then if you put in this ... Something that people can clap to.

Dick: [crosstalk 02:02:30] Do the fucking clapping. Do the fucking clapping!

Sean: This is the new autism test.

Justin: And if you can put a tambourine or a cowbell on top of that, you got a hit for the rest of your life.

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: And I'll prove it. The most played song in both television, commercial, and movie history. What is it?

Dick: Happy Birthday.

Justin: Well, besides Happy Birthday. I mean, like-

Fancypants: You're ruining it.

Justin: The one that wasn't created in 1795 ... No, it's Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky.

Dick: Oh.

Justin: You don't realize how much you've heard it until I told you, and now every time you'll hear it, it's-

Sean: It's used a lot.

Dick: Oh.

Justin: (singing)

Fancypants: Yeah.

Justin: (singing), and I got to stop there, because I don't want to get fucking sued.

Dick: He put that pussy on the pedestal.

Sean: Yeah, it's-

Justin: He gets paid so much for that shit.

Sean: I think he's dead now, isn't he?

Justin: I don't know, but he was a teacher at like a music school for years, and he called it Mailbox Tuesdays.

Sean: That stupid ass song, yeah. That's been licensed a lot.

Justin: And he only had one song. Norman Greenbaum, total rock and roll song name, you know?

Sean: I think ... I don't know if this is still true, but at one time, I think the most licensed song, just all licensing, was Walking on Sunshine.

Justin: By Katrina and the Waves.

Dick: That's a good song.

Sean: They used it for everywhere.

Justin: Yeah, that's true.

Dick: All right, one more. One more voicemail.

Speaker 13: Dick, you know what makes me a rage? I was talking to one of my lesbian friends a couple days ago, and the topic of sex came up, and she said that any guy who has to use lube when they're having sex, you know, because the girl isn't wet enough, is doing it wrong. And I'm just thinking, "You're the least qualified person in the entire universe to comment about that. You're a lesbian. You have never ... You do not have a dick. You've never had to put a dick into someone."

Dick: What are you doing?

Speaker 13: "And you've never had a dick put into you." To just blindly go, "Well, you know, every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets wet. Therefore, if guys-"

Dick: Probably two times.

Speaker 13: "[crosstalk 02:04:35] it's because they don't give a shit about the girl." That's fucking retarded. There are a billion reasons why you need ... All of lube is just oppressing women everywhere. You know what? That's what it fucking is. All of lube is just a symbol that men don't care about women's needs, you know? Because god forbid a guy has a too big of a penis, or women don't get wet that easily-

Dick: This guy has too big of a penis-

Speaker 13: ... or god knows what the fuck what.

Dick: That's the problem.

Justin: That's what he led with, yeah.

Speaker 13: I can't wait until [crosstalk 02:04:58]

Justin: "I've got this giant dick."

Speaker 13: ... with a strap-on on her, and we'll see-

Fancypants: It's all a lead-up to that.

Speaker 13: ... how she likes it.

Dick: Lesbians don't know what it's like to have a too big of a dick.

Speaker 13: Go fuck yourself.

Dick: Like this gentleman does.

Sean: That's right.

Justin: I love that's where he went with it. "You know, some guys have too big a dick, but ... And then you got to lube it in there, you know? Oil's not going to work."

Dick: I love lesbians, but man, when they start talking to me about sex, I'm like, "Why don't you just fucking zip it? Don't fucking-"

Justin: I would like to meet the women who said that and then be like, "Could you go speak to 20% of your own gender and tell them to stop getting the prescription stuff from their doctors, then?"

Dick: What do you mean?

Justin: I mean, because everybody functions differently.

Sean: Yes.

Justin: Some males don't have saliva glands. Some females don't either.

Dick: Wait, what?

Justin: You have to take pills for saliva. Like, some people are literally born without the ability to keep their own mouth lubricated, and the same goes-

Dick: What the hell?

Justin: ... with other parts of the body.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like their ass?

Justin: Like, well, if you're a woman and ... It could be like the Sahara down there, for some women, whether they're turned on or not.

Dick: You don't have saliva ... You're a-

Justin: Some people don't.

Sean: No, they gargle with Astroglide.

Dick: I have heard that. All right, everybody. See you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening.