The Dick Show

Episode 86 – Dick on Dickels

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, oddguy, Layc Nichole

Dick: We have Layc's coming in. Layc's en route, right now.

Sean: Cool.

Dick: She's driving recklessly.

Sean: Right. Leaving the Cat Cafe.

Dick: Yeah, she's leaving her work at Gorgeous People Gym.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Where they do Pilates and talk about how each other are great.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Why don't you try it this week? It's their version of church.

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Where their God, whatever, Pilates, just tells 'em what a great job they did all week.

Sean: Pray to Joseph.

Dick: Yeah. Joseph the Yoga Guy.

Sean: Joseph the Yoga Guy.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: She'll get offended if you call him a yoga guy, probably.

Dick: Probably [inaudible 00:00:44]

Sean: She calls him Pilates pants.

Dick: Pilates Pants. Oh, yeah, she does. They're not yoga pants, they're Pilates pants.

Sean: Whatever. They're a fantastic invention.

Dick: Yeah. No shit.

Sean: It's, like, the fucking hottest thing a chick can wear besides nothing.

Dick: You know what, I would like to get in an argument with a 1700's guy over, like, the big ass dress versus Pilates pants.

Sean: Ah, [crosstalk 00:01:10]

Dick: That's a best debate.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Like, some guy, "Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, indubitably, we all enjoy the posterior, right?"

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Unarguably, that is not only the best part of the woman, but the only part I'm concerned about." Right? It's like, fuck, that's a good ass joke. I'm losing this crowd.

"However, this man's bringing in yoga pants. My dear, if I wanted to know what was going on beneath that dress, I'd marry her." Right?

"Your turn for a rebuttal, sir." And then I'd be me.

Sean: Well, listen Colonel Sanders-

Dick: Alright, Colonel Sanders. Ah. Let's do it.


Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Welcome to Dick. You need Dick. You want Dick. You love Dick. You got it. It's the show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, the 20 Million Dollar Man. Can't say it enough. I am the 20 Million Dollar Man. I am the 20 Million Dollar Man, Dick Masterson. With me, as always, is Sean, the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello, Dick.

Dick: Hey, what's up Buddy? Hoo-boy, my circuits are scrambled this week. My circuits are fuckin' scrambled this week, 'cause I got block chain on the brain, my friend. Dickels are out, and they are live. They are out in the world. They are out in the world, and they are already being coveted.

Sean: Unsupervised.

Dick: Unsupervised Dickels. People are asking me, "Dick, what can I buy with these Dickels?" What can you buy with regular money?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's also pretend.

Sean: Anymore.

Dick: That's also make believe.

Sean: That's true.

Dick: You can buy whatever somebody wants to sell you in a Dickel, you could buy with a Dickel. People have Dickels in their hands. They're thirsty for Dickels. They're clawing their brains out, going crazy trying to find the place, the page, where you can go to register for your Dickels. The Ethereum cryptocurrency, I'm talking about.

Sean: Yeah, it's the-

Dick: That is for this show. It's the new EBT.

Sean: It's the new EBT?

Dick: Sean.

Sean: What?

Dick: It's the first podcast in history, this show, The Dick Show, is the first podcast in history to have a cryptocurrency, to be on the block chain, forever, I'm talking about.

Sean: That's amazing.

Dick: It's amazing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: We're the only podcast on Patreon, probably the only Patreon, to have a cryptocurrency. You know how much attention we're gonna get over that? Nothing.

Sean: Yeah, well-

Dick: No one's gonna say anything, even though they're real. It's a real coin, a token, a Dickel. Your ass can go on your computer. I've already given out thousands of Dickels.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Already.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Thousands of satisfied customers of Dickels. Of Patreones, who've been able to find the Dickels registration page, register for Dickels, get the Dickels, and then immediately lose them.

Sean: Oh, well ...

Dick: We've already had many lost Dickels. Look, if you want Dickels-

Sean: They're usually under the car seat, or the couch, aren't they?

Dick: Yes. Get MetaMask. Do not fuck around. I'm gonna delay the launch of Dickels for 24 hours, because I've had too many people already messaging me, saying they fucked up their Dickels.

Sean: Got it.

Dick: And they didn't know how to do it, and they got too excited, and they just put a bunch of numbers in to look like everybody else.

Sean: And it went off in their hand.

Dick: And it went off in their hand, and it never usually happens to them, but they fucked up their Dickels. Some people have hundreds of Dickels that they lost in the blink of an eye-

Sean: Wow.

Dick: ... in the cryptocurrency game.

Sean: So you're gonna give 'em kind of a do over.

Dick: I will give them a do over.

Sean: Yeah, just to get your shit together. This time, it's for real.

Dick: Dickels are FDI-Dick insured. For only this time.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Only this time were your Dickels insured.

Sean: Right.

Dick: And I will make things right. But from now on, that's on you if you lose your Dickels, okay? You can't come crying to me, wanting more Dickels if you lose them. That's it.

Sean: That's fair.

Dick: That's it. And then, I want ... All we need is for somebody to buy two pizzas with Dickels, and then it's a real currency. That's the measure.

Sean: Why two?

Dick: 'Cause anybody could buy one pizza.

Sean: Gotcha.

Dick: But to be-

Sean: Two.

Dick: Anybody wants to be the first to do sell a pizza for Dickels. Nobody wants to be the second.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: You know?

Sean: Okay.

Dick: So, that's how you know it's real.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's how you know the Dickels are real. You know what I've realized, though?

Sean: What's that?

Dick: With all this Dickels shenanigans? 'Cause I was all deep in the block chain, and Ethereum, and numbers and codes all week. It really scrambled up my brains, and I realized something. First of all, the internet's dead to me.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: I don't care about it, anymore. And you know what? This is what makes me rage. This is one of the things that makes me rage this week. I was going on the internet, just to search for a simple how to get a better streaming computer for this show. All I want is a streaming computer for this show. And I get pages and pages of articles, and bullshit, and content that is written by college grads. Like, that's the dumbest, like, "Don't forget to wear a coat," articles of, "Well, what you gotta do is make sure you get a computer that can stream. And then, some people, what you wanna do is, make sure you get the right number of cameras for what you need."

It's the entire internet, now, is this shit, garbage content that you can't get anything out of. I'm searching for the most obscure sentences and sentence fragments to try to squeeze one drop of information from this stone that is the internet, and I fucking can't. Every single video, it's like, "Here's a ten-hour video on how to build a streaming PC." And it's a guy saying, "Okay, here's a screwdriver. You wanna go lefty loosey, and righty tighty. Now let's get to, 'what's a video stream'. Video streams are a stream that people send to ..."

It's like, Dude. It's content written for fucking robots. It's written for Google.

Sean: Yeah. No, I know exactly what you mean. And when you ask a very specific question, and you know that there's an answer for it, so you word your question in a very specific way, or variations of a very specific way, and you have to parse down through Idiocy 101. It's so fucking painful. You're like, I know there's an answer, and somebody has it, but you cannot find it because there's way too much bullshit to parse through.

Dick: I find nothing. Nothing.

Sean: It's maddening.

Dick: Maddening. So I don't give a fuck if there's net ... 'Cause there's nothing there, anymore, for me. Nothing. All of YouTube is garbage.

Sean: It's gotten dumber.

Dick: The whole internet is full of garbage. I'm done with it. And I realized something.

Sean: Hm?

Dick: I realized something about life.

Sean: Uh-oh.

Dick: And space.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: And Dickels.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: And the Wild West Frontier.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: And Manifest Destiny.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: And the Pilgrims. And Moana-

Sean: Oh?

Dick: ... also was involved.

Sean: Oh, boy.

Dick: That the whole point of life is just to escape the gray goo that people turn everything into. The apathy, and the mediocreness that consumes everything and ruins it. And makes everything ... The monster that chews everything good up, and makes it palatable.

Sean: Maybe 'cause, like-

Dick: And turns it into a consumer product. That's what it is.

Sean: Yeah. No-

Dick: You know what? The reason we need to colonize Mars is to escape consumer products. That's why. 'Cause there's none of that shit on Mars, none of it. The whole reason the penguins left England, or the Pilgrims, and landed on Plymouth Rock was to get away from that shit. I can't take it, anymore. If I have to open up the internet one more time and search for something that is a very specific question and get six pages of how-to guides that are-

Sean: Just give up.

Dick: I'm done with it. Done with it. I don't care. I'm done with it.

Sean: Yeah. Yep. I get it.

Dick: Every time I sit there and watch the credit card chip not work, and have some fucking moron stare at me and say, "Well, you know, the chips, they just never work." That's it. That's it. I'm only using Dickels from now on.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Not even using this money, anymore. The money's no good.

Sean: No, 'cause the Dickels are backed by something.

Dick: Nothing's backed by anything. That's the point. It's a token. The value's totally up to you, but it's out there.

Sean: I was hoping you'd go with that.

Dick: It is backed by something.

Sean: But it doesn't matter, 'cause like you said, nothing-

Dick: It's backed by zingers. [crosstalk 00:10:52] It's the only currency backed by zingers-

Sean: There you go.

Dick: ... Dickels.

Sean: There you go.

Dick: Get MetaMask. Get MetaMask, stop fucking around. Get MetaMask. Find the registration page [inaudible 00:11:02] That's why we need to colonize space.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: We gotta escape from the bastards, man. It's the bastards coming along-

Sean: Here come the bastards.

Dick: ... and ruining everything. Here come the fucking bastards, and they do, whatever we build, the bastards come in and fucking ruin it.

Sean: Yep. They took the croissant, and made it the Croissan'wich.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah,

Dick: Can I have a croissant? "Sure, what would you like in it?" Just nothing, you bastard. Nothing, you bastard. "Would you like to pay for a bag?" No, you bastard, I'll just carry all of my groceries out in my hands. Shut your dog up. Shut your dog up, you bastard. How 'bout you do that? 'Cause you're the reason we have to go into space. You.

Sean: And your dog.

Dick: And it has nothing to do with saving the human race. In fact, those people, we gotta leave, too.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. You only invite people who just wanna get the fuck away from all the idiocy.

Sean: Yeah. People to escape the bastards.

Dick: And, it's endless. And it's getting worse every day. That's why we need this stuff. 'Cause we gotta escape these bastards.

Sean: I'm in.

Dick: There's transcriptions for the show, now.

Sean: Sweet.

Dick: A couple people on Reddit wanted them, so I got transcriptions done. I'm gonna post transcriptions with the show this week, and see if people look at it, and if people are looking at it, then I'll do it again.

Sean: Oh, there you go.

Dick: I'm not made of Dickels, [inaudible 00:12:27] Sean.

Sean: Well, you know, I mean, who is?

Dick: There's only-

Sean: Not yet.

Dick: There's only 20 million Dickels, by the way.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They gotta fund this lolsuit with something.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Also, Road Rage Portland.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Road Rage Portland is up. Tickets are up. It's gonna be at The Secret Society.

Sean: 24th?

Dick: 24th of February. We're gonna launch The Dick Show Album. It's just the lakembra, Samglaze, wauterboi, Todd Seidel. Everybody's got songs on this thing. It's gonna be fucking awesome, and I'm gonna try to trick everybody into playing some songs from it.

Okay. This is what's made me a rage this week. I got a bunch of them. It's already 12:20? Fuck.

Sean: Oh, we started, you know, five, seven minutes late.

Dick: Yeah. You wanna talk about the women's march, at all?

Sean: Look, I'm glad some of these ladies are out, getting some sun, getting some exercise, right? We can all agree with that.

Dick: Well, yeah. They're already having huge problems, though. The average wait time for the bathroom is three days. So ...

Sean: Is it really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's like a Chinese traffic jam.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They just gotta sit out there.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I forget what they're doing.

Dick: Can we just give these chicks free abortions and be done with it? You know what I'm talking about?

Sean: Oh, that's the march.

Dick: Isn't that what it's about? Isn't that what it's really all about, free birth control?

Sean: I mean-

Dick: Can't we do it under the table? Can't we keep it ... Like, look, look, look, look, look, the government's not gonna pay for it, but ... Go online, you find a guy ... Find me on the street.

Sean: Find me on the street?

Dick: I'm not gonna pay for all of them, but I'll pay for a couple. You know, if I got money in my pocket-

Sean: If you got Dickels on hand.

Dick: Yeah, you know?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, don't worry about it. We don't have to look at each other, just, here you go. Here you go, here's some dough.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And the pills. Not a man alive that doesn't want every woman on birth control.

Sean: Right, true.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Yeah, sure.

Dick: Maybe there's one you don't want, but that's basically all of them.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Basically 100%. Can't we figure it out, man?

Sean: So this doesn't have anything to do with the me too, or, you know-

Dick: Nah, you know what?

Sean: ... Time's Up, or-

Dick: You know what it is? I talked about this on a Dick Riding episode.

Sean: ... or whatever.

Dick: This is why these marches are so stupid. Because they're open to everything, right?

Sean: Well, like the Occupy movement?

Dick: Like a Human Fund, yeah.

Sean: Open to every-

Dick: Yeah, get in here. You have sex or grass, but yeah, you, too.

Sean: Right.

Dick: It's like if you're planning a party-

Sean: Factory farms? Yeah, you get in.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. That's a women's issue.

Sean: You get in.

Dick: Literacy? Yeah.

Sean: Tin foil hat? You, too. You're one of us.

Dick: If you planned anything like that. If you planned a party like that, no one's gonna have a good time. If you planned a party like the women's marches, and said, "Yeah, we're having a party."

"Is it a costume party?"

"Yeah. Yeah, come on in."

"Oh, is it a graduation party, 'cause my friend ..."

"Yes, yes, it's a graduation party."

"Is it a surprise party, 'cause it's my mom's birthday. I wanna have a big surprise."

"Absolutely. It's a surprise party."

"Is it a baby shower, in some way? Is it a bachelorette party?"


"Is it a wake? My uncle just died. I'd like to have a wake, where we all have a somber remembrance of him, maybe light some candles."

"Yeah, yeah. Come on in. It's a surprise, bachelorette, birthday, baby shower, bachelorette, wake."

That's what it is. And you'd go to that party, and you'd think, "This party sucks."

Sean: Yeah, sure.

Dick: Whoever planned this party ... 'Cause they're only worried about numbers.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: That's why.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: They don't care. They don't care about anybody having a good time, or anything getting done, like having a good time. No one's cutting a birthday cake at this party. That's what I'm saying. That's why they're a joke. That's why they're seen as a joke, because they got no focus. Not a single one of them has focus.

Sean: I don't know. Do you think that it, ultimately, lacks focus? Or, you think it's as varied as you're saying it is, or-

Dick: You ask two chicks that go to one of those together, "What are you marching about?" They're gonna have totally different answers. And then, you end up-

Sean: I wonder.

Dick: To tell you the truth, I immediately turned away from any news, hearing about this, because I'm so sick of me too, I'm so sick-

Sean: Why are you sick of me too?

Dick: Because we've gotten to a point where you're not allowed to say things like, "Hey, there's different levels of this stuff."

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: That is fucking appalling to me. And the fact that ... It's like Matt Damon, I think I brought this up, like a month ago, when he had the ... Now, he's said a lot of stupid shit, but he's in Hollywood, so he's gonna say a lot of stupid shit, whether he believes it or not, because he needs to play the game.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But the problem is, he had the gall to suggest that there are different levels of this type of harassment, or assault, or battery, or what have you. Which is, of course, 100% right. Louie CK is not Bill Cosby. I don't know if I even needed to say that. But he was immediately condemned. And then, the other week, like last week, he came out and apologized for it.

Sean: Oh, he did?

Dick: He apologized for it. It's not that he apologized for it, it's that I'm afraid he actually thinks that what he said originally was wrong. That's fucking frightening to me.

Sean: Yeah, it is.

Dick: Because it means that we have completely stopped thinking, and that is fucked.

Sean: No, it is. It's like we're all worried-

Dick: That is absolutely fucked.

Sean: ... about re-education camps, and getting brainwashed. We're just like-

Dick: It's here. It's here.

Sean: we just brainwashed our fucking selves, man.

Dick: People are saying ... Every day, I see a man get on TV, or on the internet, or somewhere, and say some shit that I know he doesn't mean. That no fucking man-

Sean: I hope he doesn't mean it.

Dick: ... in the world could mean. It's like, you don't mean that, at all.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I'm afraid of it, too.

Sean: No, it's awful. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Anyway, you know what we need? And I'm saving this for Not Safe For Women, we need two governments. America is not safe for women, anymore. They need to have their own President, and their own government. Like, a chick President, and a chick government, alongside. 'Cause what would that-

Sean: And then those two meet?

Dick: No. It's just completely different programs, like when you're watching The Voice with your wife, and you're secretly browsing porn on your second screen. That's what the US needs, a second screen for everything, so that we can continue coexisting.

Sean: So, then, just make the bubble official. Everybody who lives in their bubble, or wants to be, nobody wants to be offended, everybody wants to get exactly what they want-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: ... what they feel they're entitled to, or what they feel [crosstalk 00:19:31] feel about, just-

Dick: We gotta slide these bubbles together.

Sean: Just make the bubble official.

Dick: Yeah. Like a 3D eye poster, where you look at it and it makes no sense, but if you stare long enough, and if you stare until blood starts coming out of your nose these two different populations can coexist.

Sean: Yeah, I've never seen that in one of those things.

Dick: A 3-D eye poster?

Sean: No, never gotten one to work.

Dick: All right.

Sean: I think people are making it up.

Dick: You've never gotten one to work?

Sean: No. I can't see shit.

Dick: That doesn't surprise me.

Sean: I've never seen the fucking rocket, or whatever's in that fucking thing. Yeah.

Dick: Those things, they were very stupid. Those 3-D eye posters made me really hate people that I considered friends-

Sean: Oh, I see.

Dick: ... because they could see it and I couldn't. It's like, yeah, man, just-

Sean: You can't see it, either?

Dick: I could see the easy ones.

Sean: Oh, really?

Dick: Like if it was, like, a box, or a dog, a bone, or something. Like, if it was simple shapes, I could see it. Alright.

I'll tell you what else makes me rage: being understaffed in restaurants. Man.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Not acceptable.

Sean: No.

Dick: You know what? If you're understaffed, take some police tape and cordon off the area of the restaurant that cannot be staffed. It's very simple. Put one of those little signs up that says, "Your wait at this ... Take a number, look at the board. You're not gonna have a good time."

If a waitress ever tells me, "Oh, I'm very sorry, we're understaffed tonight," on Saturday, I just, I think this place should be burned down, don't you? Can we breach this contract that we have with waitress, with server and customer, and work together and just denude the entire restaurant of all of its assets? Because the owner's obviously not ... If the owner's here, send him over, and I'm gonna scream until his face melts like in The Raiders of the Lost Ark. But if he's not, we're taking everything that's not bolted down in this restaurant and we're burning it in the fucking parking lot. Never an excuse.

Sean: No.

Dick: There is never-

Sean: That's right.

Dick: ... an excuse for-

Sean: For bad service.

Dick: ... having an understaffed restaurant.

Sean: No, there's not.

Dick: It's not their fucking fault. And you can see these ladies, majored in women's studies, or whatever, pulling their fucking hair out, gradually getting more surly, and you can see them age in about 50 years, the surliness continuing into their 70s of that night. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to have that, reach around the corner, "Hey, I pissed all these people off."

You go deal with it, you [inaudible 00:22:14] kick. 'Cause you don't have a choice.

Sean: Right.

Dick: You don't deserve that.

Sean: Yeah, there is never an excuse for bad service at a restaurant.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Sean: Never. There are things like, some freakish thing happens with the food deliveries, things like that. There are scenarios in which there could be an excuse, even at a top, high-end restaurant, for bad-

Dick: So much.

Sean: For an off-kitchen night. Never for bad service.

Dick: And they say it without batting an eye.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: "Oh, we're understaffed tonight." Don't give me that. Don't give me that line. Come on. Talk to me like a man. Talk to me like I'm a real person, here, wasting an entire evening. Wasting an entire evening waiting for something I'm not even gonna like. You got 15, 20 minutes of solid banter with your friends and family before the crushing reality sets in, of how different you truly are. That you've run out. That you're not a sitcom. You can't go 22 minutes, with commercials. You got 15 or 20, okay? That's why our pilot was not picked up. You and your friends, I'm talking about. We're not getting picked up. We're in a restaurant on a Saturday night, just trying to do something. Not a TV show.

Sean: No.

Dick: Every time, it's so bad. Just the phrase, hearing it destroys the entire rest of the night.

Let me see, here. Bras, also, are making me a rage this week.

Sean: Oh, they are?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Huh. 'Kay. Well, let's see where this goes.

Dick: I was driving Consuelo up this week, my cleaning lady. I pick her up from the subway. You know, she's got cancer, I don't wanna make her walk all the way up here.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: Picking her up, this lady-

Sean: You live on a big ass hill, too.

Dick: Yeah. Mile uphill.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Passed this mom walking her dog, got no bra on.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I'm thinking to myself, "What are these ladies doing, wearing their bras all the time?" This is a game changer. This is just me thinking this, Sean. The amount of power that women are electing not to wield by strapping themselves in these contraptions every day. It's insane. Not even particularly attractive, this woman, mesmerizing. It was mesmerizing. I almost stopped my car, like I'm seeing a beautiful sunset.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Just a woman, casually walking around without a bra. Now I can't un-notice it. Everywhere I go, this is ... What did we do to ourselves, that this is necessary for women to be wearing bras like this? I don't know. What do you think about that?

Sean: Well, somehow it has to tie in with this separate government idea of yours, I think.

Dick: Yeah. Bra is not safe for women, also.

Sean: Would that be like the, you know, like Republicans have the elephant, and Democrats have the donkey?

Dick: Women could have their own two parties.

Sean: That's what I mean, yeah.

Dick: Don't you think it would be better?

Sean: Right, but the left and the right? I'm looking for like, a-

Dick: The bigger boob and the not as bigger boob?

Sean: Yeah, and the imagery.

Dick: And look, I don't know. I don't want to disrespect their political system, but we need to split it. It doesn't fucking work. They're marching by the millions, and for what, I do not know. Look, it worked perfectly for Israel and Palestine. We split them up, and we didn't have any more problems with them.

Sean: No, gone off without a hitch, yeah.

Dick: It works perfectly with-

Sean: It's perfect.

Dick: ... East and West Germany, just built them a wall. No big deal.

Sean: Right.

Dick: One side did a little better than the other one.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: No big deal.

Sean: Oh, well.

Dick: It worked ... Who else did it not work for?

Sean: I don't know. North and South Korea.

Dick: North and South Korea, also.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Perfect. Also perfect. It is time we do that in the United States, and we can make it work. We have the technology now. Because the government doesn't really do anything. They're just sitting up there talking, getting your votes and making you feel good, right? We don't know what they're doing. They're not doing anything. All they're doing is talking to you. They're like a big customer service box, where you fill out a complaint, and they're like, "Boom, we'll get to it." Awesome.

Sean: They definitely don't do anything, then.

Dick: So we just split it up. And then we split that up. We split up the money. The men's country runs on Dickels. The women's side can have dollar bills, whatever they're using. I don't know. I don't know. I gotta sit down and work it out, I'm saying.

Sean: Yeah. You're just spitballing, here.

Dick: But the country, as a whole, cannot keep going like this, with both sides continually warring over something that doesn't matter. I'm on to something here.

Sean: Yeah, you might be.

Dick: America is not safe for women. We gotta split it up, internally. Not down the middle, but internally. Your wife's watching The Voice, you're emailing your buddies. You're emailing your golf buddies. You're sending gifs to your brother-in-law about people falling out of cars, and guys getting in bicycle wrecks, and stuff like that. I'm saying, you're doing two different things, even though you're together. I'm talking about mass-

Sean: Isn't it the secret to a relationship?

Dick: Yes. And we need to do that. America needs two bathrooms. All of America needs two ... Or this women's march shit is not gonna stop. I can't take eight more years of this. You know what I'm talking about?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I can't fucking take eight more years of marching for nothing. For God knows what. Alright. You wanna take a caller?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: This dude on the line?

Sean: Sure.

Dick: Alright. Caller today is Easy Peasy. Easy, are you on the line?

oddguy: I'm on the line. Can you hear me?

Dick: Yeah. Bump him up, Sean. So, Easy Peasy ... By the way, is that what you want me to call you? I saw that you had a bunch of aliases online.

oddguy: No, call me oddguy. That's what most people call me.

Dick: Oh, okay, that's what I thought. I didn't know if you were trying to rebrand, or what. Oddguy has put together this beautiful video called The Rise and Fall of Maddox the Loser.

Sean: Oh, wow.

Dick: Oh, dude, it's like an hour and ten minutes long, and it goes through-

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Imagine that Ken Burns has made a documentary of all the fuck ups in your life.

Sean: Whoa.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Hold on. Not all the fuck ups, because I think I got, like, at best, like 40%. Like, I missed a lot of fuck ups. I went back, I looked at the sub-Reddit. I checked it, and there's a lot of stuff I didn't go over. The deeper I go into this rabbit hole, the more I wanna just tear my hair out. Because I go into that sub-Reddit for one second, and I look at that shit, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, he did that? He did this? I should have put that in the video." I'm there for, like, five minutes, I'm like, "Hey-

Sean: Arguably successful. [crosstalk 00:29:49]

oddguy: ... some sort of European money-laundering scam. What the fuck is this shit? Why isn't this in my video?

Dick: Yeah. What was the craziest shit that you found while you were going through it? This is like an outsider's perspective. That's what makes it so interesting.

Sean: And outsider's perspective?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Are you a listener, a fan, whatever, of-

oddguy: I am not a listener or a fan of any podcast.

Sean: Oh, okay. So-

oddguy: I don't like podcasts.

Dick: They're unlistenable, yeah.

oddguy: I hate podcasts.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Absolutely no podcasts for me, ever, okay?

Dick: Interesting. How did you hear about this?

oddguy: I hear about this fucking lawsuit, and I tell myself, "I gotta check this out." Because what I love is not podcasts. I love stupid, pointless internet drama. Just, the worst [inaudible 00:30:36]

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Just absolute crap.

Dick: So, I found out later that you're an admin for Encyclopedia Dramatica, right?

Sean: Really?

oddguy: Yeah, I'm one of the administrators of Encyclopedia Dramatica-

Sean: Oh, man.

Dick: I love that site.

oddguy: Yeah, I know. [crosstalk 00:30:49]

Dick: It's so fucking mean. It's the only accurate site on the internet. It doesn't have one piece of factual information-

oddguy: It's amazing.

Dick: ... but it is 100% accurate.

oddguy: Yeah.

Dick: No, Dude, I gotta tell you, since-

oddguy: Okay, no, you're only saying that because you're one of the five, only, people who have a positive page there. Let me give you the list. It's you, Hunter S. Thompson, Socrates, and a bunch of people who are on the site who wrote the article about themselves. Those are the only people who have positive articles. That's it. And, by the way, a few days ago, I re-read your article, just to prepare for being on this stream, and I found the most perfect typo on the entire site. You wanna hear this?

Dick: Yeah, lemme hear it.

oddguy: Okay, listen to this. "Dick Masterson is an autism."

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Oh, they didn't mean that? That was just a typo?

oddguy: No, I don't think so. I think they were trying to say you're autistic, but apparently you're autism, itself.

Dick: Yeah, I'm an autism.

oddguy: So, congratulations.

Dick: I think, maybe, my proudest achievement, or whatever, luck into, whatever you call just something that happened to you, is that my Encyclopedia Dramatica article is positive about me.

oddguy: Yeah.

Dick: Everything after Dr. Phil is like, oh, boy, you waded into a pool made of snakes, and it was also in the air, and all the snakes are flying, and you are not fucking flying, and everybody hates you now. It's out there forever, except Encyclopedia Dramatica, where it has a positive article.

oddguy: What's interesting-

Dick: It's the only one. Everybody else gets eviscerated so brutally.

Sean: And that's interesting, because if somebody doesn't know you, and they say, "Hey, tell me about this Dick Masterson guy." They say, "Okay, yeah, blah-blah-blah, he does this, this, this, this, and this. Okay, you know the site, Encyclopedia Dramatica?"

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah? "He has a positive article on it." And they're like, "Fucking what?"

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Like, okay, wait, there's something going on, here.

Dick: It's the thing that's made me the happiest about everything, the whole stupid-

oddguy: Put that shit on your resume. Just, you know, you're looking for a job somewhere, "I got a positive article on Encyclopedia Dramatica. Here's the fucking link. Please ignore the parts where my head is photoshopped onto gay porn. That's not real. But other than that, this is my resume, in its entirety. Just the link."

Dick: What is it like running that site? We had Noel, from Kiwi Farms on. You know, Kiwi Farms has a similar site, where they're just vicious in the way they-

oddguy: Yeah, I know Noel. Noel's a good guy.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Listen, running that site is an absolute shit show. Lemme tell you some of the things that happened, just in recent time-

Dick: Okay.

oddguy: ... on the site, okay? Last month, one of our admins shot up a school, okay? He got a gun-

Dick: Yeah?

oddguy: Yeah. Have you heard about the couch cuck?

Dick: No.

oddguy: So, this guy, he was on our site since he was, like, 11 years old. He was completely obsessed with school shooters. Like, we have a list called "The High Score," where we list who got the highest score on a killing spree.

Dick: Yeah, sure.

oddguy: And he would edit that shit every day. No one else cared about it, but every day, he would be there, editing that bullshit.

Dick: Oh, my God.

oddguy: About a month ago, after years of being on the site, he gets a gun, he goes through school. Then, despite being completely obsessed with this for years, he fucks it up, completely. Like, while he's preparing, he's in the bathroom, putting on his fucking gear, like he's the fucking Terminator, someone walks into the bathroom, catches him literally with his pants down. So he panics, shoots a bunch of people.

Dick: Oh, no.

oddguy: Runs to some classroom, and the classroom is currently being taught by a 76-year-old substitute teacher-

Dick: No.

oddguy: ... who blocks the door with a couch. So he wastes all his bullets on the fucking wall, trying to get through the door. And then, when he can't, he shoots himself. He lost the fight to a fucking couch. And this is just last month.

About a week ago, we find out that one of the old contributors to our site is currently in jail for touching a 13-year-old boy.

And then, there is the hottest goss. Do you want to hear the hottest goss about ED? This happened, like, two days ago. You wanna hear about this?

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: So, did you hear about the lawsuit? Let me just give you some context. Did you hear about our lawsuit, about us being sued?

Dick: No, I only know that you're being sued because I read it on the front page of your site.

Sean: We've been preoccupied with the lawsuit on this end.

Dick: Yeah, I've been preoccupied with my own ridiculous lawsuit.

oddguy: Yeah, you have your own lawsuit, but let me tell you, our lawsuit is just as good, okay? Our lawsuit is top-notch quality. So, this guy who's basically a serial litigator ... Let's compete, let's see whose lawsuit is better, okay?

Dick: Okay, I got a dog bite attorney. Who do you guys have?

oddguy: Yeah. So, listen, this guy, who has been suing people since, like '95, for no reason, at some point in, like 2005 ... By the way, just for saying this, he's going to threaten to sue you. He invites a bunch of underage girls to his house and gives them alcohol. The police are called, and, of course, he gets taken away-

Dick: Allegedly. Allegedly.

oddguy: Allegedly, I'm sorry.

Dick: Allegedly.

oddguy: Allegedly.

Dick: I don't have the resources for a four-front war, over here. This guy allegedly did this, all right?

oddguy: Yeah, allegedly did this, okay? So, he allegedly does this, and since that day, he has been threatening to sue anyone who mentions it. At one point, he tried to sue 103 anonymous MySpace users who were talking about this, accusing them of making him fat. That's the reason he got fat, because they were talking about how he allegedly gave a bunch of 15-year-old girls drinks. So, we make article about-

Dick: Well, Maddox says that we gave him PTSD, and his girlfriend, who has to seek mental counseling because Asterios wrote a Santa Cuck song about them.

oddguy: Okay. Fair enough.

Dick: Pretty good.

oddguy: So, that's one point for each of us.

Dick: Okay.

oddguy: Let me give you my next argument.

Dick: Okay.

oddguy: So, we ran article about this guy. He DMCAs it. He sends us a DMCA, we have to take it down. We take it down. At some point between then and now, our site goes down and comes back up. We bring it back with bots, and his article automatically gets put on the site again, without us checking.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: So he sees this, and what he does is, he takes a bunch of things that we quoted, and he goes and he copyrights them. Now, what we quoted was things he said on a scam website he created, allegedly. Allegedly created a scam website.

Dick: There you go.

oddguy: Okay? It was supposed to be a dating site, but the only man on that dating site was him. Every girl was automatically matched with him.

Dick: That's brilliant! That's a brilliant plan.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So you just-

Sean: It would be an honor to be sued by this man.

Dick: Yeah. No, no, no, your guy's a lot smarter than our guy. Our guy's worried about getting his Christmas lights cut, and he can't fix holes in his doors.

Sean: Our guy has a-

oddguy: He's suing you for an invisible billboard. That's just beautiful. And he accidentally called himself retarded in his own lawsuit. That was the best part, I think.

Dick: Our guy's suing us for a photoshopped billboard. So-

oddguy: Hold on, hold on. Let me continue the story, because this gets better.

Dick: Yeah, okay. Alright, go on.

oddguy: So, what [inaudible 00:38:21] I say? Oh, yeah, so, we quote the guy on the article. He goes and he copyrights what he said in that quote, and sues us. So, we, of course, we-

Dick: That's familiar.

oddguy: ... get a lawyer.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Our site admin, he just gets into a bunch of debt. We're about to get to the real punchline of this. He gets into a bunch of debt. He's, like, $100,000 in debt, and we start collecting money. The case gets dismissed, and we're still collecting money. Then, two days ago, we find out that the guy running our site has been taking all of the money that we've been getting through ad revenue, through donations, and pocketing it.

Dick: No. No.

oddguy: The guy, so we kick him out. He's currently trying to destroy Encyclopedia Dramatica because we kicked him out of the site for stealing our money.

Sean: He was supposed to keep you alive, and he just stole all your money?

oddguy: Yeah, so he's currently $100,000 in debt, asking people for donations so he can buy groceries, because he's a recovering alcoholic. I mean, he's not actually recovering. And, you know, we were the only ones-

Dick: That's an alcoholic.

oddguy: ... giving him money, the only ones helping him. This guy-

Dick: Yeah, we call that an alcoholic. [crosstalk 00:39:29] A recovering alcoholic who's not recovering, we just call an alcoholic.

oddguy: Yeah, exactly.

Dick: Oh, man.

oddguy: So, basically, that's the end of the story. So, currently, if you watched the Count Dankula episode. If you watched, I'm talking to the audience, not you. You, of course, watched it 'cause you made it. So, he made a video telling people to donate to us. Dankula, if you're watching this, delete the video. Do not donate to us. It goes into this guy's alcohol and meth fund.

Dick: No.

Sean: No.

oddguy: He's not using it for the lawsuit.

Dick: I'd be disappointed if Encyclopedia Dramatica was maintained by any more responsible crew, any less chaotic crew, than what I'm hearing about.

Sean: Anyone who will give you a positive article-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: ... is definitely on the level.

Dick: Easy, can you knock down your volume? I think I'm bleeding through on your end. God, that school. I don't know if I'm sick for laughing, 'cause I guess he did-

oddguy: You're sick for laughing, I know.

Dick: He did shoot people?

oddguy: You're sick for laughing. You don't have to question it.

Dick: He did shoot people?

Sean: He did, right?

oddguy: Yeah, he shot two guys.

Dick: Two adults?

oddguy: No, two high school kids.

Dick: Ah, it's not ... Fuck. Alright, nevermind.

oddguy: Then don't laugh. It's too late. You already fucked up. You already laughed. You can't turn back the clock, baby.

Dick: No, I know. I know, I'm a bad person.

Sean: The guy suing this show is sure trying to turn back the clock.

Dick: Yeah, no shit.

oddguy: Oh, God, yes.

Dick: I need a upper. Is there any part of your video you think I should play? I wanna play a couple minutes of it, to give people a taste. It's a great video, man. It's called, "The Rise and Fall of Maddox the Loser,"

Sean: I'm watching the whole-

Dick: ... and it's just so-

Sean: ... thing after the show.

Dick: Dude, I watched it. I rarely watch hour-plus long videos, but I stretched this one out over a week, because it's very well done, the visuals are weird. There's, like a filter over all of ... It spans Maddox's entire career.

Sean: Wow.

oddguy: Let me explain the filter for a second. Just let me be clear. The filter is so that Maddox doesn't copyright claim my video. That's the only reason for the filter. I'm not giving that-

Dick: Oh, interesting.

oddguy: ... fuck money for making a video calling him a loser, okay? That is not happening.

Dick: Interesting.

oddguy: So, like, YouTube doesn't realize that I'm using his content so that I can have something onscreen, okay? That's why it looks weird. What was I gonna say? Let me tell you another story. Let me tell you about how awful our site is, okay?

Dick: Okay, sure.

oddguy: We decided at one point to do a podcast, too. Okay, you wanna hear about our podcast, and how much worse is it than yours?

Dick: Yeah, okay. Yeah. I don't like the way you phrased it, but-

oddguy: Episode one, okay? Listen, this is a good story. You'll like this. Episode one, we tried to start the podcast, one of the guys can't make it. The site admin, he can't make it, the recovering alcoholic, because he's drunk. The person I wanted to replace him, I knew he was gonna get drunk, I knew he was gonna fuck up, so I got someone to replace him. I call this other person. This other person is drunk. I call a third person. They're drunk. Everyone who actually arrived is also drunk, and one of the guys is going to be late because he's out getting drinks. And this is two o'clock in the afternoon.

Dick: That was Asterios.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: There's nothing wrong with that. But you gotta show up drunk.

oddguy: Quality website.

Dick: Yeah. I forgot what I was gonna say.

oddguy: First of all, I made some mistakes in the video, and I need you to verify my mistakes, okay?

Dick: Okay.

oddguy: I accidentally said that you're Greek. So, Dick, what I need you to do, I have to be right, so I need you to be Greek from now on.

Dick: Okay, I can do that. I've been pretending to be half-Mexican for all these years. I can pretend to be Greek now. That's fine. The show's getting more diverse, now. We got multiple Greeks.

oddguy: Okay, so everyone commenting on my video that Dick is not Greek, fuck you, he is Greek now.

Dick: I am Greek.

oddguy: I am retroactively right, okay? You're wrong, I'm correct.

Dick: Technically right, the best kind. Alright-

oddguy: So, you probably wanted to ask me why I made the video. Go ahead, ask me.

Dick: Why did you make the video?

oddguy: There we go. So, I hear about the lawsuit, and I decide I'm going to make a short video about this. You know, ten minutes, tops. There's no way this is gonna be longer than ten minutes. So, I read the lawsuit. Of course, it's a complete joke. I mean, not compared to our lawsuit that's suing us for copyright infringement of a picture of a guy wearing a beaver costume, but it's a good lawsuit. I still give myself more points in this contest, okay?

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: So, I decide, you know, I can't only talk about the lawsuit. I have to dig a little bit deeper. And I start looking into this shit, and it is a complete shit show. It just keeps going, and going, and going, so-

Dick: It never, ever stops. I don't even think you got to the restraining order in this video. I thought the restraining order would be un-toppable. Having a woman admit in court that she called somebody's school to get them fired immediately, she didn't even have to do that. First thing she says, "Yeah, I did it, and this is why." It's like, but are you insane?

Sean: No, 'cause she was justified.

Dick: Yeah, this is the level of insanity.

Sean: That's the thinking, yeah.

Dick: It's like these people already live in their own virtual world-

Sean: That's right.

Dick: ... that does not resemble the actual world in any way, except in the physical parties involved. Go from that, to Maddox humping the door knob, trying to get in to explain his side, to get his girlfriend off, probably for the first time in their relationship.

oddguy: The binder of mean tweets was the best part for me. I did mention it, and I described it as, "a handful of mean tweets that Dick had sent him."

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: That's what he brought as evidence. Just a fucking fistful, just coming up to the judge with crumpled up, cut up versions of tweets he printed out. "Look Judge, this is the proof. I got it, right here. Arrest this man."

Dick: Alright, I'm gonna start playing at the one-minute mark in your video. Think about what makes you rage.

oddguy: No, don't play it at the one-minute mark. The one-minute mark is-

Dick: Oh, sorry, the one-hour mark.

oddguy: ... where I'm still talking shit about how I don't watch your podcast.

Dick: No, that's-

oddguy: Jump at least ten minutes ahead.

Dick: I'm gonna go to the one-hour mark, 'cause your conclusion is devastating. I'll just play a little clip of that.

oddguy: Go for it.

Video: Speaker 1: And watch what stupid thing he says next. While Dick has great guests on the show, and sounds like he's actually having fun, Maddox is forced to invite people he despises in a desperate attempt to leech off their popularity. In fact, let me go off on a quick little aside, here. Chris Rayguns, Sargon of Akkad, Blaire White, all of these people, okay, all of these skeptic types that go on Maddox's show, you know he hates you, right? I mean, you gotta know that, right? You know he's one of those people that calls you people racists online, that calls you and all your fans bigots?

I mean, I have no problem with sitting down and talking out your differences with someone you disagree with, but that's not what's happening here. What's going here is a guy inviting people he absolutely hates onto his show, and just not bringing it up because he need their fan base for some ad revenue.

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Video: This is the same guy who's recently on a video with fucking Destiny, crying about internet harassment. I mean, seriously, on the off chance that any of these people watch these videos, just stop it. Stop going on this guy's show. Stop giving him attention. Just stop. You have nothing to gain from this, because he doesn't have a shred of popularity left, and he doesn't even like you. He's just taking advantage of you people.

If you're the type of person who doesn't like SJWs, don't associate yourself with a guy who defends ANTIFA, and only wants you on his show because he wants your fans' money. And if you're a feminist, maybe don't support a guy who still profits off selling a book containing a rape manual, and treats his female friends like they're his property. Maybe don't do that.

But back to the point, okay-

oddguy: You can stop now, I jump to the next point, here.

Dick: Okay. Jump to the next part? Let me see, here. I'm gonna go an hour, five minutes.

Video: George's face, and see he is, just about to cry as everyone else on this podcast sits around and laughs at what kind of idiot-

Dick: Oh, he's talking about the Drunken Peasants podcast.

Video: ... what kind of loser would care about something like that?

Dick: Oh, my God.

oddguy: [inaudible 00:48:04]

Video: TJ: Oh, here's one that came through.

Dick: Okay, I'm gonna give a little preview. This is when Maddox was on the Drunken Peasants ... Dude, so the Drunken Peasants podcast fell aspart, was disbanded.

Sean: I heard about that.

Dick: And it's looking-

Sean: Almost immediately after that, yeah.

Dick: Maddox got on, the Maddox curse took effect. He went on their show and it almost immediately disbanded. My fuckery sense is really tingling. Like, those two guys, Ben and TJ, split, and I don't wanna make any comments on, like, what ... I think something fucky's going on, just based on my interaction with the-

oddguy: Guys, it's TJ. I watched the one podcast where Jim was here, where Mr. Medico was here.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: This is the banana guy, okay?

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: You remember the banana guy.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: The world record holder of most bananas shoved in one's asshole? That's him.

Dick: Yeah. So, after-

Sean: What's the record?

Dick: One?

oddguy: I think it's three, but they're really big. You have to oil them up.

Sean: Jesus-

Dick: They're big bananas.

Sean: ... fucking Christ.

Dick: It's the one the Chiquita lady puts in her hat. After the show, TJ messaged me with this spiel about wanting to keep the peace, and wanting to talk parties down. Like, are you fucking insane? Talk parties down? I'm getting sued for half a billion dollars, you fucking moron. What are you talking to me-

oddguy: No, that ship has sailed. There's-

Dick: And then I see that somebody said on Reddit that Ben got locked out of all their accounts. And to me, I see that, and think, "Oh, I know what this is like." This fits a story that I already know. So I'm gonna tell you guys where it's heading. But I don't think any of them are saying what's happened, yet. But this is from one of the last episodes of the Drunken Peasants, when Maddox was on, and their chat log, their chat was so badly filtered that they had to refund people who paid to ask questions. Because Maddox made them have a huge filter list so nobody could ask about, like-

oddguy: Right.

Dick: ... biggest problems, Dick-

oddguy: But one question did get through. The best question get through.

Dick: Uh-huh. The butt. Somebody managed to sneak a question through.

Sean: They sure did.

Dick: It's a very fucking smart person, managed to sneak a question through. And this is live. I'm going to put this video on this episode, so if you're a, you're gonna be able to see it. But this is a-

oddguy: I'll send you the actual video I stole this from [crosstalk 00:50:40] so you can just shove it there.

Dick: Okay. This is a question getting asked of all four people, live. And, watching Maddox's face, you can watch where he leaves reality and goes into the Oculus Rift in his head.

oddguy: Literal tears in his eyes. I could see a little twinkle there, I promise you. He was on the verge of tears.

Dick: Okay, here we go. I'm gonna play it.

Video: TJ: TJ, what would you do if Ben banged your ex from three years ago? That's his prerogative. I ain't layin' no claim to that not more. Who fuckin' cares?

Scotty: Don't give a fuck, dude.

Dick: Look at him, look at Maddox's face.

Video: Scotty: Water under a fuckin' bridge, I mean.

TJ: I don't understand people who get mad if someone bangs their ex.

Scotty: [inaudible 00:51:22] bang your ex from ten years ago.

Dick: No reaction, at all.

Video: ... would you then be mad?

TJ: Well, yeah obviously then.

Ben: Slightly less.

TJ: It's our 10th anniversary, you know?

Ben: I can't believe one came through all of a sudden.

Scotty: That's pretty weird.

Dick: No reaction that people are even talking, at all. Oh, very uncomfortable. Alright, Easy Peasy, it's a great video. Or, oddguy, sorry. Great video, I love it. What makes you a rage?

oddguy: What makes me a rage?

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Alright, this is gonna be a little stupid, but bear with me here, but what makes me rage are modern children's cartoons, okay? Because the biggest video on my channel is a video I made criticizing a TV show for kids. I saw someone else's video and I thought, "Wow, this is interesting." He says, "This is a really bad show. I watch it." I tell myself, "Mm, you know I'll check it out." I watch the entire thing, and it's borderline propaganda.

Dick: What cartoon was it?

oddguy: Sorry, what?

Dick: What cartoon was it?

oddguy: Steven Universe.

Dick: Okay.

oddguy: Now, Steven Universe is famous for having ... Tumblr is the fan base.

Dick: Yeah.

oddguy: Tumblr girls, and they're pissed as fuck, and if you say anything bad about the show, they'll just haunt you for the rest of your life. I am getting so many death threats, it's absolutely beautiful. That's the only reason-

Dick: You know what, I gotta tell you, Asterios was over, and he was binge watching Steven Universe. I had heard about it, but I had never seen an episode before, so I sat down, and I felt like and old, racist uncle. First of all, all three of the chicks are like super powered and always right, and the boy, Steven Universe? Dude, it's a little weirdly sexual, it's like a little bit of a weird, feminine-dominant polyamorous living situation that they're in with this dude.

oddguy: Yes.

Dick: Secondly, one of the characters, Sean, I shit you not, is a little boy and a little girl that merge into one being that has-

oddguy: Thank you!

Dick: ... that has no sex.

oddguy: Exactly the point I made in the video.

Dick: So, this happened, and I said, "Asterios, what in the fuck is ... I've never seen ... What the fuck is going on?" He's like, "Oh, yeah, it's like Stephania, or something. That's their name-

oddguy: Listen, listen, I gotta give you some more context to this, because the people making the show, who are just insane SJWs, at one point basically admitted that the fusing is essentially sex. It's a metaphor for sex. So, these are little kids having sex.

Dick: It made me very uncomfortable.

oddguy: And, listen, at least two people who made this show have drawn cartoon child porn. At least two of them.

Dick: Yeah, there's something about the show, like the way they draw an ass, and the way people stand, that weirded me out. And then, when there was a little boy and a little girl coming together into, like one, genderless adult, I was like, "Dude, I can't watch this." It's good-

Sean: It's just wrong.

Dick: It's just wrong.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: This is wrong, Asterios, that you're watching this in my house. Turn it off immediately. Get out of here.

oddguy: I made that video, some guy told me that he knows one of the creators on the show, and he's, like 100% sure that this person's a pedophile. I haven't shared this on my channel, yet-

Dick: This is how you get sued.

oddguy: This is some creepy shit. I'm not making this up. There's something wrong with that show.

Dick: Oh, alright, man. That's a good one. Thank you for keeping Encyclopedia Dramatica up, despite all the school shootings, and-

Sean: Jesus.

Dick: ... [crosstalk 00:54:52] yeah, thank you.

oddguy: I'm hoping for some more school shootings. It drives up traffic.

Dick: Okay. That's it.

Sean: Oh, that's, yeah.

Dick: Good-bye. Thank you for calling in. Thanks for making the video. Bye.

Yes, have you ever seen Steven Universe?

Sean: Uh, yeah, I have. I mean-

Dick: It's fucking weird, right?

Sean: ... yeah, here and there.

Dick: It's weird.

Sean: Yeah, I can't stand the kid's voice.

Dick: No. Alright, I'm gonna play a little song. Drives up traffic ...

Sean: Yeah, what a sick man.

Dick: It takes sick people to make the world go 'round, Sean.

Sean: Boy, I'll say.

Dick: It takes sick people. That's why we gotta split it. Once spectrum of good and evil is not working anymore.

Sean: Can I have my own half?

Dick: Yeah. You need to be the middle. But you're so far over on our end that people think you're a bad guy, too. That's why we need to drop it right in the middle again. Men and women can't be sharing the same spectrum of good and evil.

Sean: Separate beds.

Dick: Separate beds.

Sean: Separate fucking beds.

Dick: That's what the book's gonna be about. Separate government, separate beds, separate money, separate good and evil, separate God. We're gonna go to the same church, and we're all gonna have our own sermons delivered differently.

Sean: Separate, but equal.

Dick: Look, it's worked every time we've tried it.

Sean: Right.

Dick: North/South Korea, the South, the Confederacy and the American Union worked.

Sean: Right. Plessy v. Ferguson.

Dick: Plessy v. Ferguson. All successes. East and West Germany, Israel/Palestine.

Sean: Yeah. We need to segregate the country. It's a pro-segregation book, but in a good way.

Dick: But in a good way. It's gonna work this time. Ladies and gentlemen, that wasn't real communism. This is the real communism.

Sean: No, it was like crony communism.

Dick: See, previous segregation was done to hurt one group.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Mine is done to help both.

Sean: Both.

Dick: Both.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Both.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Both.

Sean: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: Both.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, this is sick. This is going in the next lawsuit. This is by Ken Doll in Hide, "Look Who You Made Me Sue".


Sean: Who's this from?

Dick: (singing)

Sean: Oh, it's [crosstalk 00:57:31] Dick lies.


Dick: Oh, my God. (singing)

Sean: That is the funniest thing of, like the last six months.


Dick: Alright, wonderful Ken Doll in Hide.

Sean: I love the guy who-

Dick: That guy is so fucking-

Sean: ... does the voice.

Dick: ... good, man. Yeah.

Sean: I mean, it's-

Dick: He does a great version of that voice-

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: ... of his real voice.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: God, I was at the Little Irishman's violin recital yesterday, and-

Sean: He's still doing that? He's still playing?

Dick: He was the finisher.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: He was the last act.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: And, motherfucker, his song was identifiable as a song.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Instead of just notes that feel like a lopsided wheel, right?

Sean: Yeah, mm-hmm (affirmative).

Dick: Children's [inaudible 01:00:43] are like, ugh.

Sean: Oh, yeah, no, they're horrible.

Dick: He did great. One other kid did amazing.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Maybe one of the most amazing child performances I've ever seen. Kid gets up there with a violin and plays the Batman son. It's like Little Johnny Fuckball with the Batman theme, and he gets up there, na-na-na-na-na, huh-huh, na-na-na-na-na-na, huh-huh, walks off.

Sean: That's it, just-

Dick: I gave a standing ovation. Absolutely marvelous. That was ten seconds, twelve seconds, perfect. Then he-

Sean: Straight to the point.

Dick: Oh, beautiful. No fumbling around with key changes, like different parts of the song. Just bam, walk off, no eye contact, done. Like a five-year-old Bucket Head. Then the next girl, the announcer gets back up, and she's like, "Okay, here's Little Indian Girl, with three songs, Jingle Bells ..." And it's like, oh, come on, Lady. Just one and done, like the gentleman has just showed.

So, they got this thing, they're also throwing in kids singing, which is abhorrent, which is absolutely terrible. A little girl sang the real version of that song we just heard, the Taylor Swift song, Look What You Made Me Do. There's this chick on piano, playing an accompaniment, with this girl singing into a microphone, 'cause kids can't sing. You're not training any sort of musicianship by singing. It's just children's karaoke. At least you're learning motor skills with the other things, and, like that can last ... But singing is not an instrument. Fuck you, it's not. You either a lakembra, or you're not, right? I could practice until the end of fucking time-

Sean: There's one lakembra.

Dick: ... I can't sing as good as lakembra. You know what I'm saying?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So this girl gets up, and she's mumbling her way through a Taylor Swift song. I'm trying not to look around because I don't wanna see all the other dudes looking around, going, "Is she singing about a suicide song?" Then the piano goes dead, the woman stops playing, and the girl gets right into the mic and she goes, she must have been seven, she goes, "You can't because she's dead." I'm like, is this ... Do I need to call child services?

Sean: Yeah, what is going on there?

Dick: This is fucked up. It was very uncomfortable. Thank God, the Little Irishman was there to bring it home with his Big Rock Candy Mountain. Big finisher.

Sean: Ah, there you go, yeah. He was playing the classics.

Dick: He was bitching all day about, "Why can't we just leave when I'm done playing? I don't wanna hang around and listen to a bunch of these schmoes, fuddling and futzing their way through, quite honestly, uninspired renditions of the source material. I wanna leave."

So we got there, and the program-

Sean: He's getting verbose.

Dick: Oh, he's a little bastard. He's at the very end, and everyone's like, "There, see? You got your fucking way. We're gonna leave right when you're done." He's like, "Good. Good, it's all I wanted. Yeah, it's all I wanted. Very simple."

Let's wait for Layc to get here.

Sean: All right.

Dick: Then I'm gonna read some stuff.

Sean: Well, look at that. Layc, have a seat.

Dick: Pop your cans on, and speak right into the microphone, please.

Layc: Sorry.

Dick: Oh, my. They're not plugged in. I disconnected everything because I was playing piano on Twitch. I happened to be doing it during Maddox's first-ever Maddox News broadcast. Where he looks like an egg who has cancer, delivering the news in a monotone, with no jokes. He's telling people that they shouldn't be eating Tide pods, not even as a joke. I'm like, oh, my God, Dude, you are-

Sean: Eating what?

Dick: Tide pods.

Sean: What's that?

Dick: People have made fake recipes using the little soaps in a pouch.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Yeah, they're like, "Those are actually edible. You just mix 'em up with some noodles."

Sean: What?

Dick: They do one of those stupid instructable videos. It's funny. Yeah, it's funny 'cause it's so revolting, right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And, because deep in the back of your mind, you're thinking some moron might eat that.

Layc: People do eat them.

Dick: Tide pods?

Layc: Yes. That was like an epidemic.

Dick: What do you mean, an epidemic?

Layc: People were eating them.

Dick: Get on that mic.

Layc: People were eating Tide pods.

Dick: When?

Layc: Like, a couple years ago. They had to pull them off, or they had to recall them, or something, because I think kids were eating them. Thought they were candy.

Dick: I've thought about eating one, 'cause they look like mints.

Layc: No.

Dick: They look like mints! If you look at it, it looks like a juicy little mint. You're like, "Man, how could that not be delicious?" How could this not be food?

Sean: And refreshing.

Dick: Like, your mind sees it, and the only things that look delicious are tasty foods, like mints, and tasty treats, and stuff like that.

Layc: You'd be in for a rude awakening. Ew.

Dick: And he was stopped by a couch. An old lady with a couch. I remember one thing from the Bible, and that's that a guy got thrown out of a tower by a woman. He'd spent his whole life talking about how he wanted to be remembered as a big warrior that got killed in a manly thing, and then a woman pushed him out of a window, and that's how he died.

Sean: I don't know that story.

Dick: That's the only story I remember from the Bible 'cause it was so fucking funny.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I wonder who it was?

Layc: Oh, shit. My computer shut down on me.

Dick: That's okay. We have a lot of computer problems.

Sean: Yeah, seems to be happening today.

Layc: No.

Dick: You lost all your news?

Layc: It says it's installing software, and I did not press to install ... Oh, my freaking God.

Dick: So, what? It's gonna take a couple minutes? It happens, it's fine.

Layc: I don't know why it's just automatically doing that.

Dick: It does that. It gives you a choice, up to a point-

Sean: And takes it away.

Dick: A Mac is like a guy that's taking you to six dinner. Like, you had dinner three, four, and five to say no and make a decision, but six, it's happening no matter what. That's updates on a Mac.

Layc: I've definitely pressed it off a few times.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: How 'bout this? You want this dick?

Layc: Tomorrow

Dick: Remind me later.

Sean: Remind me in an hour.

Dick: Remind me later about that dick. Okay. This dick popped up yesterday. Today, how about you take a look at this dick?

Layc: I didn't have any time for the dick.

Dick: Ah, say, no, no, no, that's an hour. And then, the next time you plug in your MacBook, that dick's coming. No matter what. You're like, eh, well, how about another hour?

No, bitch.

Layc: No, bitch.

Dick: No, absolutely not.

Layc: Now.

Dick: It's time for that dick.

I'll read some advice while your computer reboots.

Layc: Oh, goodness.

Dick: No, I'd like to do the news first. I know that face. When Layc's got her hands clasped together, staring at her computer to see if her news got deleted or not, that's-

Layc: The news isn't deleted. I saved it.

Dick: Okay. [crosstalk 01:07:43]

Layc: My files.

Dick: I know that when women do that, and bow their heads like that, they're praying to the god of not letting men yell at them. Like, please, patron ... Who is that? Oprah, maybe? Please, Oprah, don't let this man yell at me. Don't let any men yell at me today, please. I've had a rough day of being sensational and fabulous, and inspiring and being inspired, and loving beauty, and loving life, and acceptance and tolerance, please don't ... But it's all hanging on by a thread. And if one man were to yell at me, in this State, I would have to take it all back, and-

Layc: I have to take my jacket off, it's too hot.

Dick: ... and really yell, be really terrible in response. So, if you could see it, in your wisdom, Oprah, to not let any men yell.

Layc: Please don't let this man yell at me.

Sean: I think it's in danger of starting up.

Layc: Right?

Sean: Yeah.

Layc: It's threatening.

Dick: Oh, my God. I fucked with the lighting, and you look amazing.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: You look almost as good-

Layc: It's 'cause you opened the door.

Dick: No, no, no.

Layc: No.

Dick: Layc.

Sean: I'm trying not to yell.

Dick: That's what you got from that? I did all of these things on the computer, and you look better, and you think it's 'cause I opened a fucking door. I did a lot, thank you very much.

Layc: I wasn't aware of that.

Dick: Dials, and alloys.

Layc: Before? Yes?

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: What did you do?

Dick: I slid set-

Sean: He did stuff.

Dick: I turned that light on, for starters.

Layc: About time. I need some light, please.

Dick: Well, I didn't know.

Layc: Thank you. Oh, my God.

Dick: I didn't know. I was told. I was told that.

Layc: I appreciate whoever told.

Dick: You're welcome.

Layc: Thank you, Jamie.

Jamie: Don't look at me.

Dick: I'm looking at you out of incredulity-

Jamie: Oh.

Dick: ... at some of those remarks.

Sean: How's it going? How are we looking?

Dick: There's a lot of boozing going on in here.

Sean: What are you drinking? You're not even drinking, are you?

Layc: He's being professional.

Sean: You're drinking water.

Dick: Um, actually, there's nothing in here. Only truly sober people can even see what's in here.

Layc: Only truly sober ...

Dick: I'm doing pretty good on my no drinking in 2018. I had a New Year's resolution to not drink at all.

Sean: Wait, what? I didn't know this.

Dick: Yeah, I gave up liquor. I've had a couple of relapses. No big deal.

Layc: There's no way you're going a year without drinking.

Dick: Yeah, I am.

Layc: You've already relapsed. Twice.

Dick: Just like ten times. It's not a big deal.

Layc: It's the 21st.

Dick: The important thing is that-

Sean: He's cut it in half.

Dick: ... I renew my vow every day.

Layc: Renew my vow?

Dick: The important thing is that I wake up every day and congratulate myself for living by my principles.

Sean: Mmm, yeah.

Layc: That you fucked up the night before.

Dick: Not a fuck up-

Layc: No.

Dick: ... it's just a minor setback.

Layc: Mistake.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Yeah, you can't talk to yourself like that.

Sean: Learning experience.

Dick: Cernovich taught me that.

Layc: What did, excuse me?

Dick: Cernovich, Mike Cernovich. He's a citizen journalist, man of the people. He breaks news stories. He breaks the types of stories that you cover.

Layc: Oh, great.

Dick: So, you guys are kind of a team, you and Mike Cernovich. Do you know who he is, now?

Layc: No fucking idea.

Dick: No, but you think that maybe he's not what I'm telling you he is-

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, that's a guess-

Dick: ... [crosstalk 01:11:02] might be? Yeah.

Layc: A minute. Less than a minute. Oh!

Sean: That was less than a minute.

Layc: Oh, fuck me.

Dick: Oh, my God. 89, 89.50 [crosstalk 01:11:22] Somebody isolated.

Speaker 7: Did you just say, "Fuck me"?

Layc: Oh, yeah.

Sean: That's gone.

Dick: Well, it's like whispered it, I would say, you know.

Speaker 7: [inaudible 01:11:32] you're so funny.

Dick: What the hell are you doing?

Layc: Logging into my Apple ID.

Sean: Trying to remember her password.

Dick: Why do you need your phone to log into your Apple ID?

Sean: Trying to remember her password.

Layc: 'Cause I have about a million passwords. Oh, my god.

Dick: Layc, are you fucking kidding me?

Layc: Get that off the camera.

Dick: Was that on the camera? Hold your hand up where it was. Nah, that's off camera.

Layc: Okay.

Dick: Are you fucking ... Sean, I'm telling you, man, they need help. This shit doesn't work for broads. They all have this. Okay, listen ... Put most of this in, by the way, Sean, the banter, but cut out the middle stuff that's just dead.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Every woman, I'm serious, and I mean this as a compliment. You have to say that when you're about to say some criticism to women [crosstalk 01:12:25].

Sean: Yeah, "No offense but ..."

Dick: No, no, no, no, you have to say the opposite. If you say the word, offense, they think you're [inaudible 01:12:30], but if you say, "I mean this as a compliment," then they're like, ohhh.

Sean: No, what I'm saying is you're about to say something really offensive-

Layc: I'll take a compliment, any day.

Sean: ... when you say, "I don't mean any offense."

Dick: Yeah, they'll just take it. I mean this as a compliment. All women have something with their computers where they have to go through this insane, elaborate way to access something basic on their system, that requires multiple pieces of papers and steps, that they just don't question anymore. Like, "Eh, just how I do it. I always need to go out to my car and get a piece of paper that I keep in my glove box to get into my Gmail account on my computer. Don't you?" No. You just use the password remembering thing. Why do you have 20 passwords on your phone in a text file?

Layc: Because I have, like 20 different accounts, various accounts.

Dick: We all have that, though.

Layc: Do you have the same password for everything?

Dick: No, I use a password rememberer.

Layc: What's that?

Dick: It's built into the thing. It's build into Chrome, or whatever you're using. There's things that exist-

Layc: I've never been introduced to this.

Dick: ... to do what you're doing. There's things that exist, so you don't have to read at text file on your phone every time you wanna log into something.

Layc: Can you show me that, too?

Dick: Yes.

Layc: Ohh! Thank you. I've got the news pulled up.

Dick: Okay, Layc, welcome back to the show.

Layc: Thanks for having me.

Dick: Yeah. You're gonna be in Portland?

Layc: Yes, I'll be there.

Dick: Road Rage, Portland.

Layc: I'm stoked.

Dick: I can't wait.

Layc: I can't wait.

Dick: You gonna read some news there, as well?

Layc: I'll read some news there.

Sean: Nice.

Dick: You're from up there, right?

Layc: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Well, I'm from the Southern Oregon coast-

Dick: Southern Oregon coast?

Layc: ... so, about five hours from Portland.

Dick: Oh, that's a lot.

Layc: But I have spent a lot of time in Portland.

Dick: What are the chicks like there? Can you pull in, can you get, like ... They're all like you?

Layc: I mean-

Dick: Whoa.

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: Wow. And Sean, you're not coming back.

Sean: In Portland?

Dick: In Portland.

Sean: That is not accurate.

Layc: Actually, it's definitely not accurate.

Dick: What are they really like?

Layc: I mean, I can't blanket it for everyone.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Layc: They're different.

Dick: Alright.

Layc: Different types.

Dick: All right, what do you got for news?

Layc: What do I got for news? Okay, a medical examiner reported that Tom Petty died of an accidental drug overdose, which is sort of hard for me to believe, considering all the drugs that were found in his system.

Dick: Wait, Tom Petty's ... He's dead?

Sean: You didn't know that?

Layc: He died in October.

Dick: I don't remember that shit, you know? I hear it. I know it for, like, a couple hours, and then, the next day I wake up, I don't go, "Remember that Tom Petty has passed."

Sean: The news moves so quickly.

Layc: I listened to American Girl for the next few days.

Dick: The next few days?

Layc: After, following his death, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: Remembering him. Anyways, the medical examiner-

Dick: I always thought he just was dead. There's a lot of people that I think are dead, and have been dead for decades, who are not dead-

Sean: Yeah, you're surprised.

Dick: ... and you think, "Oh, that's too bad."

I think you're wrong.

Layc: I think you're wrong?

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: No.

Dick: No? Well, Tom Petty's dead.

Layc: Well, he died-

Dick: That's too bad.

Layc: ... October 2nd, I believe. The medical examiner that performed his autopsy revealed that the drugs found in his system at the time of death included toxic mix of opioids, including Fentanyl, sedative, and anti-depressant. So, he had, like four different types of Fentanyl in his system, which, I'm not going to list them off, because I can't pronounce any of their names.

Dick: Try.

Layc: No.

Dick: Give one a shot.

Layc: Nope.

Dick: Layc, give one a shot. You're a professional broadcaster.

Layc: Acetyl?

Dick: I don't know. Is that-

Layc: Fentanyl?

Dick: Acetyl Fentanyl? Is that what it looks like? Okay.

Layc: And I'm not going for the next one.

Dick: Give another one.

Layc: No. I'm not-

Dick: Give another one a shot.

Layc: I have-

Dick: What if there was money on it? Could you read one of these chemicals-

Layc: No.

Dick: ... if there was a Dickel on it? If you got a Dickel for every one you got right?

Layc: Despropionyl?

Sean: Okay.

Dick: I don't even know if that's [crosstalk 01:16:21] How old is Tom Petty?

Layc: 66?

Sean: Yeah, mid-60s.

Dick: Mid-60s? I think my parents are that old.

Sean: Yeah, mine are.

Layc: So, the, what you just mentioned, that Fentanyl-

Dick: Acetyl Fentanyl?

Layc: Acetyl.

Dick: I don't know if that's what it is.

Layc: Well, actually, it's a schedule one drug, and it's not even approved for medical use in the US. And they found that-

Sean: Whoa.

Layc: ... in his system, so that's pretty scary.

Dick: Why is it scary?

Sean: I didn't hear that.

Layc: Yeah, schedule one drug. It's not approved.

Dick: They said he, like had-

Layc: There's not even-

Dick: ... like, broke his hip, or something.

Layc: Yeah, so that's what he was suffering from, was a broken hip. Or, well, he fractured it, and then he went on tour. Fractured it and he went on tour because he wanted to serve his fans, and it ended up causing him a ton of pain. So, his family released a statement and they said, "Despite his painful injury, he insisted on keeping his commitment to his fans and he toured for 53 dates with a fractured hip, and as he did, it worsened to a more, worse injury."

Dick: That sucks.

Layc: "On the day he died, he was informed that his hip had graduated to a full-on break, and it is our feeling that the pain was simply unbearable, and was the cause for his overuse of medication."

Dick: Yeah, me, too. Got a lot of pain.

Layc: Drove himself into the ground.

Dick: I got a lot of pain, man.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Performing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Waiting for computer geeks-

Sean: Get some of that-

Dick: ... to restart and update.

Sean: ... some that Acetyl Fentanyl.

Layc: Acetyl Fentanyl.

Dick: Yeah, or at least I have unimaginable amount of stress from the lawsuit. Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, better go on tour.

Layc: Don't-

Dick: What else do you got?

Layc: Well, you are. So, the Manson family killer. California Governor blocks Van Houten's parole. Governor Jerry Brown has blocked Leslie Van Houten's parole for the second time in two years. The parole board recommended that she be released, and that she is suitable for parole, but Brown blocked the decision. He said that she's downplaying her central role in the murders and pushing the blame onto Manson, instead of herself.

But she counter argues and she says that she was only 19 years old and brainwashed at the time.

Dick: I wish her argument was like, "Look, I'm a chick in LA. I mean, what are ya ... Are you guys serious?"

Layc: Right.

Dick: Like, I think Count Dankula's more guilty than her. And I've read that whole Helter Skelter book, Bugliosi's book about Manson. That's an interesting as hell-

Sean: Is it?

Dick: ... book. Yeah, the prosecuting attorney goes one by one through the entire case, and the background, and talked about how Manson brainwashed these kids into doing this. It does seem a little ridiculous to-

Layc: Pretty ridiculous.

Dick: ... keep her locked up.

Layc: No. What? You think so?

Dick: Yeah. She was 19. What is she now, 70?

Layc: 63, I believe. In her 60s.

Dick: I think she's probably had all the crazy-

Layc: You think?

Dick: ... got knocked out of her. You think she should be locked up?

Layc: Yes.

Dick: Still?

Layc: Totally.

Dick: Yeah? 19-year-old chick?

Layc: Yeah, she was smiling, smirking in her picture.

Dick: In the 70s.

Layc: Yes.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: In the picture that they caught at court.

Dick: Yeah, but ...

Layc: How do you go-

Sean: Well, you would.

Layc: You would?

Sean: You would, if you were 19 and brainwashed, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Wouldn't you?

Layc: Wouldn't you just be like, "Fuck"?

Sean: No, I don't think you'd come out of it that quick.

Dick: Yeah, I think you've got, nope, she's with Manson already, so she's probably been abused her entire life. We're spoiled because we've already seen this shit play out hundreds of times. In the 70s, they got nothing, right? Like, they don't know what it's like to have been abused. Like, they don't recognize the signs in themselves, that they're liable to get brainwashed, right? I mean, I don't know. I don't care if she gets out, or not, but-

Layc: No [inaudible 01:20:12]

Dick: ... it's like, give me a break.

Layc: Poor thing. All right.

Dick: I agree with Manson, too, right? Fuck celebrities. That's what she should do, instead of the, "I was innocent, I was just 19," it's like, "Look, off the top of your head, you can't give me five celebrities you'd like to get whacked? 'Cause I think you all could."

Fucking parole grant. Like Shawshank Redemption. Shawshank Redemption, he didn't get out until he was honest with them. He was always giving them bullshit that they wanted to hear, and then he came and he's like, "Are you fucking kidding me? Rehabilitation?"

Sean: He said, "You don't know shit."

Dick: You don't know shit.

Sean: Just stamp your little forms and [crosstalk 01:20:51]

Dick: Rehabilitated isn't a thing. I'm a 70-year-old man that's gotta piss three times in one night.

Layc: Ew.

Dick: All right? I don't have ... Murdering people? You think you guys fucking fixed me, this ass rape festival you got? Shawshank Prison? What the fuck are you talking ... That's what she should say. "Killing celebrities? I would do it again, but it's a lot harder to do now, 'cause of Google." Parole granted. That's what she's gotta do.

Layc: You think?

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: Just admit?

Dick: You gotta give 'em a little bit of spice. If you act to the parole board, well, maybe Lettuce Jones would know, if you roll over and try to tell them a story that they want to hear, they're gonna, "Nah."

People love exercising power. They just love it. If you give them a chance, like, if you say, "Oh, well ..." If you start giving them an explanation, bam, you're gonna get that power shaft right down your throat. But if you stomp them, "Yeah, I did it. You know what? I'm gonna get outta here, I'm gonna kill Trump." Fucking parole granted. That's what it's gonna be. She's already a murderer, what's the worst that could happen? She goes back to jail?

Layc: That's what they want to avoid, right?

Dick: I don't know.

Layc: It's just too much.

Dick: I don't know.

Layc: That back and forth. Just keep her where she is.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Layc: All right.

Dick: What else you got?

Layc: So, Veteran sues after a scalpel was found inside his body four years post surgery.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: You hear about this shit.

Layc: You did?

Sean: No, I mean, you hear about this shit from time to time, hospitals leaving like, you know-

Layc: How do you do that?

Sean: ... surgical rags, or whatever, in there-

Dick: Layc, you couldn't even show up with a working computer, and you're gonna ask how a doctor leaves a scalpel in people, doing multiple surgeries a day?

Layc: Come on.

Dick: Drunk. Have you ever left your Pilates pants untied when you're doing a class? Have you ever forgotten-

Layc: No.

Dick: No, never?

Layc: They don't tie.

Dick: You never didn't put away-

Layc: They're tight.

Dick: ... all the Pilates mats in the room? Or the dumb bricks, or whatever?

Layc: I always clean up.

Dick: You always check out of the system every time?

Layc: Every time.

Dick: It's just a scalpel, who cares?

Layc: Oh, my God, it was causing him pain for four years, and no one could figure out what it was. Then he went in for an MRI.

Dick: That sucks.

Layc: Four years later. [crosstalk 01:23:17] No.

Dick: Four years for an MRI?

Layc: For four years.

Sean: That's the VA, Dude.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: No joke.

Dick: Oh.

Layc: Well, he went in for a separate situation, and then they found that. So, obviously, they had to go in there and get it out. But then, according to his attorney, they filed an administrative claim with the VA last June, and they still have not even received a formal response-

Dick: Yeah, that sounds right, doesn't it?

Layc: ... besides stating that it was received.

Dick: Oh.

Layc: Right?

Sean: Yeah.

Layc: And so, they just filed a Federal lawsuit, and they're hoping for at least a million dollars, to settle.

Dick: A million dollars this guy wants, 'cause he had a knife stuck in him for four years?

Layc: Oh, in his pelvis.

Dick: I don't care where it was. He could've gotten it out earlier than four ... It's like, well, okay, but you were just sitting at home.

Like, "Yeah, but the VA ..."

Like, yeah, Dude, but you're just still kinda just sitting at home. What do you want?

Layc: Damn.

Sean: I wanna know how much he complained about it, and did he keep going back to his-

Layc: He was in constant pain.

Sean: No, but did he got back to complain about it, complain to the right people. Go back, like, "Hey, I had surgery. Should I be recovered by now? This is still fucked up." If you're doing that, oh, yeah, give him all the money he sues for.

Layc: He did.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But what-

Layc: But they couldn't find out what it was. But they didn't do an MRI.

Sean: Well, what the-

Layc: Exactly. That's-

Sean: That's fucking ridiculous.

Dick: Or, he was complaining, and his kids were like, "Hey, Dad, why don't you go back to the doctor's?" "Eh, I don't wanna deal with the VA."

Sean: Well, you never know. [crosstalk 01:24:45]

Dick: Yeah, more likely.

Sean: "What do they know?"

Dick: Yeah, what do they know?

Sean: I wanna know the specifics of it.

Layc: More specifics?

Sean: Well, I mean, I don't expect you to have them.

Layc: Fun fact, out of 28 million operations performed each year, it's estimated that 4500 to 6000 foreign objects are left behind.

Sean: God damn.

Dick: What's the percentage of that?

Layc: I mean, come on.

Dick: Read me the numbers again.

Layc: 6,000.

Dick: Out of how many?

Layc: 28 million. So, that's-

Dick: 28 million? That's very low.

Layc: That's very low, but still, it happens.

Dick: And if it happens to you.

Layc: That'd be miserable. Even a sponge, causing bacteria build up.

Dick: Oh, is that what happens?

Layc: Your arm would fucking fall off.

Sean: Yeah, they leave surgical sponges in there sometimes. It's happened.

Dick: And then you gotta go have another surgery?

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Layc: Awful.

Dick: I don't know, you know. Yeah, happens.

Layc: It wouldn't be the worst thing that happens?

Dick: That's pretty low.

Layc: It's low, but it happens.

Dick: Sure. That's a very low amount of fucks ups.

Layc: A scalpel is a different story. That's just totally wrong.

Dick: Yeah. That's what they judge it by, is your job, is how often you fuck up. Like, [Keon 01:25:51], the lawyer, probably never fucks up at work. A lawyer? Rarely fucks up. Doctor? Much less rarely. But, like, regular guys, you know? Me? Fuck up-

Sean: Fuck up, yeah.

Dick: ... constantly.

Sean: Sure.

Dick: All day, just constant, constant fuck ups. IQ has nothing to do with it. It's how often ... They just give you a task when you're 18, a random task, and depending on how many things you fucked up on that task, that's Gattica. Like, "Wow, you did most of the things correctly on this list. Congratulations, you're gonna be a doctor."

"I don't wanna be a doctor."

"Yeah, well, we kind of need you to be a doctor, because everybody else is fucking up a lot of the time."

Sean: A lot more, yeah.

Dick: What else you got?

Layc: This is a good one. This made my week.

Dick: Oh, is it about cats?

Layc: Nope.

Dick: Okay, what is it?

Layc: It's about Trump.

Dick: What is it? What is it about Trump? Is it about the shutdown?

Layc: Trump's lawyer allegedly paid a former porn star, Stormy Daniels, $130,000 to keep quiet before the election.

Dick: About what?

Layc: Their affair.

Dick: Who, Trump and Stormy Daniels?

Layc: Oh, yeah.

Dick: What does she look like?

Sean: This was back in the-

Layc: She's cute.

Sean: ... '80s, right?

Layc: No.

Sean: When she was-

Layc: A year after he married Melania.

Sean: He married her in the '90s?

Layc: He married Melania in 2006.

Sean: Oh, that recently?

Layc: Yes, recent. She's cute.

Dick: Wow.

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: She is cute. 38?

Layc: Yeah.

Sean: She's 38 now.

Layc: Look at her.

Dick: She's 38. Yeah.

Sean: I hope it's true.

Layc: It is.

Dick: What you just take, oh, me, too. We're believing all women? Even if-

Layc: The story goes on. This is why it's so great.

Dick: Layc, she's a porn star. We're just-

Layc: This is why it's great.

Dick: ... believing a porn star? No, thank you.

Layc: What?

Dick: A porn star could tell me it's raining, and if I was getting wet, I would think someone was pissing on me. Like, "Oh, yeah?"

Layc: Yeah.

Sean: You think you're on a movie set.

Layc: Like, imagine.

Dick: Like, "Oh, is it raining? Well, I know that I'm getting wet, but I don't believe you."

Layc: Oh, my God. So, according to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Stephanie "Stormy Daniels" Clifford was paid $130,000 by Trump's lawyer to not publicly talk about their sexual relationship before the 2016 election. Immediately-

Dick: How much?

Sean: A hundred and thirty grand.

Layc: $130,000.

Dick: Why that specific amount?

Layc: Who knows?

Sean: Yeah, that is kind of an odd amount, isn't it?

Dick: Aren't you supposed to ask these types of questions? Why 130?

Layc: Well, they're denying it, now.

Dick: Yeah, because it's not true.

Layc: Oh, my God. But listen, immediately after the Wall Street Journal report came out, In Touch re-published a 2011 interview with Stormy that detailed their ongoing year-long affair that started in 2006, right after he married Melania. The In Touch interview-

Dick: So, another fake news corroborated? You're in the running for a fake news awards for 2018.

Sean: So, can they-

Layc: She's on the record.

Sean: Can they prove that that money was transferred to her by-

Layc: There's photos of the ... No, so that's the thing-

Sean: So there's photos of [crosstalk 01:28:53]

Dick: There's photos of money online.

Sean: No, so it's-

Dick: That they've got this money dead to rights.

Sean: If there's no, then you don't know.

Layc: She talked about their affair five years ago.

Dick: This is the dumbest-

Layc: Six year-

Dick: Why wouldn't she[crosstalk 01:29:06]-

Layc: This is great.

Dick: ... just give the money back, and then take more money to give an exclusive ... Anybody would have paid-

Layc: No, they-

Dick: ... millions of dollars.

Layc: No. No.

Dick: Oo, really?

Layc: No.

Dick: You, personally would have paid ... Asterios would have paid a million dollars to get some embarrassing thing on Trump. She was holding out for a $130,000 gag order? Give me a fucking break.

Sean: So this happened in 2007, then?

Layc: Yes.

Sean: Right?

Layc: Yes. They met at a golf tournament.

Dick: Here comes the salacious details. Oh, they met at a golf tournament, Sean.

Layc: You are missing the best-

Dick: $130,000. Morons will believe that amount of money. A million is too much. That won't have any traction.

Sean: Not relatable.

Dick: Not relatable.

Layc: So, in the interview, she discussed the relationship in depth, describing how and where they met, how he tried to get her on his reality TV show-

Dick: What do you mean, a reality TV show? It's a very successful business-

Layc: Oh, it's so shitty.

Dick: ... educational show.

Layc: Yeah, uh-huh. Whatever. I'm not even going to say the name of it.

Dick: Why do you hate Trump so much?

Layc: 'Cause I can't stand him.

Dick: You have no stocks, that's why.

Layc: Oh, no, I definitely do.

Dick: Really? What's your portfolio look like? Let me see it. Open up your Schwab account right now. Show me your fucking index funds that you're so upset about Trump, and they're all through the fucking moon.

Layc: That's not why I hate him.

Dick: Well, what else is there? What else in the entire world is there?

Layc: Every time he fucking talks.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: I can't stand him.

Dick: All your portfolio shoots up. That's what happens.

Layc: I should invest in McDonald's. They're saying that their stocks are rising, like skyrocketing, because of him.

Sean: He's a McDonald's fan.

Layc: Okay. So, she went on to say that he actually compared her to his daughter, calling her beautiful and smart, just like his daughter.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: That's disgusting.

Dick: What's wrong with that?

Layc: What? No.

Dick: No one's ever compared you to, like, their daughter, while they're sweet talking you?

Layc: I should hope to God my dad doesn't tell his girlfriend that-

Dick: No, no, no, no.

Layc: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Dick: It's not a literal ... Layc, Layc, Layc, Layc. You're like a virgin talking about these things. You have to get into a very ... You've never done any, like, weird daddy/daughter stuff in bed?

Layc: No.

Dick: What do you mean, no?

Layc: That's so awful.

Dick: No, it's not awful. It's necessary.

Layc: Oh, my God.

Sean: Don't you start doing it. Not again.

Dick: Oh, no, that's how a trickle turns into a great river, is when you start in-

Sean: Oh, boy.

Dick: ... with the daddy/daughter stuff.

Sean: I don't know if I like that-

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Sean: ... analogy, at all.

Layc: Thank you, Sean.

Dick: It's not a literal comparison. It's just a suggestion. It's just the suggestion-

Layc: What makes it-

Dick: ... of dominance.

Layc: Okay, that-

Dick: Dominance. And ownership. And patriarchy.

Layc: Okay.

Dick: That's what it is.

Layc: But why does it have to be a dad/daughter relationship?

Dick: There's a small amount of ideas that exist in the human brain: friends, enemies, collective, mom, dad, son, daughter, children, pets, all these types of things. And you need to use this palette when you're boning to paint the picture of eroticism that you want. You gotta use them all. If you're good at what you're doing, you've got to touch them all. These are the things that exist in the mind. These are the visceral things that exist in the mind. I'm dead fucking serious about this.

Sean: Sometimes you're the mommy.

Dick: You've got to touch them all. You gotta touch them all.

Sean: That's what I've ... Yeah.

Dick: You have to do weird mommy shit sometimes.

Sean: Horrible Pokemon.

Dick: Maybe you don't like it. But you gotta do it.

Layc: Mommy shit?

Dick: Yeah. You've gotta-

Layc: Give me an example, please. I would love to hear this role play. You've done this?

Dick: Oh, I've done pretty much everything, yeah. Anything you could think of.

Layc: I understand the daddy/daughter situation-

Dick: Sometimes when you're sucking on that boob.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: And you're getting a little out of control, and a little desperate. You're starting to tap into ... Sometimes you're just licking the breast, right? You're just licking it, titillating it, tweaking it like a knob, right? Like an engineer on the knob, right?

Sean: No.

Dick: Giving it a pinch, and a crank, and you've gone too far. You're like, argh, I gotta back off. I gotta go to the other one and let that one simmer on the back burner a little bit. So you go to the other one ... But then, sometimes, that's man/woman lovemaking. Boring. That's for plebs. Sometimes you really get into it. Sometimes you overdo it. And you're really sucking that motherfucker, right? Then you're getting into the weird mom/baby archetype, whatever's in the mind. It's in there, somewhere, and that's when you're hammering that. So, it's very simple. We all do it. You're looking at me like that's crazy, but now you're remembering guys who were doing that, and you're like, "Oh, I was getting off in a different way, then." Right?

Layc: I would never pretend-

Dick: Sometimes you hate. Sometimes you're making beautiful love. But then sometimes you're really just hate fucking a broad. Pounding her. No kissing, 'cause you're enemies, then. You're enemies in a sexual battlefield about Trump.

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: Sometimes.

Layc: Sometimes.

Dick: Sometimes you gotta grab the back of their neck, lead 'em around. Shove their ... Right? Like a little child. Even like a pet. That's a different kind of relationship.

Sean: Gotta touch 'em all.

Dick: Sean, you have to touch. I'm not the only one who knows this. Am I the only one who is aware of this?

Layc: Like a pet?

Sean: I'd have to spend decades of psychological study on things like this.

Dick: That's what I've got.

Sean: Yeah.

Layc: Decades. I believe it.

Dick: You're very beautiful, like my daughter's very beautiful.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: Yeah. Oh, yeah. He doesn't have a picture of his daughter in mind. He's just saying like his ... I say that all the time. I go to bars. Bartender. "You're very beautiful. Like my-

Layc: You remind me of my sister.

Dick: "You remind me of my daughter." No, I just say it. I lie all the time, I don't care.

Layc: My daughter.

Dick: I'm thinking of Ivanka Trump, too. Alright. Now you know what I'm talking about, though. Yeah, you're nodding. You know a little bit more that I'm right, and I'm right. And I'm right. And he probably did fuck her.

Layc: Yeah, they fucked.

Dick: Good.

Layc: They did fuck. It went down, for sure.

Dick: Um, I don't believe that $130,000 shit. Alright, what else you got?

Layc: She released a statement through his lawyer that said, "Rumors that I received hush money from Donald Trump are completely false. If indeed, I did have a relationship with Donald Trump, trust me, you wouldn't be hearing about it in the news, you would be reading about it in my book."

Dick: No shit?

Sean: So she's saying-

Dick: So she's saying it's not true. So, who's saying it's true, you?

Layc: Wall Street. Or, I mean, sorry, Washington Post.

Dick: Fake news.

Layc: Wall Street Journal.

Dick: Fake news.

Layc: Oh, fudge. In Touch. Released-

Dick: That's not even news.

Layc: ... an on the record interview.

Dick: With whom?

Layc: Her, from 2011.

Dick: What? Talking about hush money? Oh, okay, I can't-

Layc: No. So, she's denying the hush money. That interview's been released, so it's out there.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: So that was the irony behind it all, that he still fucking paid her off even though she already talked.

Dick: That's because none of this is true. If you'd pull the thread a little bit, it all ... What's the next story?

Layc: Oh.

Dick: It's all just insinuation.

Layc: House of Horrors. California.

Dick: House of Whores?

Layc: Pretty much. Actually, no. That was wrong, that was wrong, that was wrong. California couple holds-

Sean: You're gonna get kicked out of the me too campaign. Kicked right out of there.

Dick: Did you go to any women's marches?

Layc: No, I was working.

Dick: Oh, you would have gone?

Layc: Not necessarily to the women's march. I would go to the slow walk. Amber has a slow walk. It's in October, though.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: So, you were working? The story's already falling apart. You were gonna go? Would you have gone to the women's march?

Layc: No.

Dick: No?

Layc: No.

Dick: Why? 'Cause it's crazy?

Layc: The crowds.

Dick: Full of-

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You don't need any better excuse than that.

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, what's the house of horrors?

Sean: Crowds.

Layc: Okay, oh, this is so sad.

Sean: I'll go to a women's march if no one shows up.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: I respect what they did, but I just wouldn't go.

House of Horror parents, David and Louise Turpin-

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Layc: ... wanted a 14th child so they could get famous and land their own TV show.

Dick: Good reason.

Layc: So, last Sunday the couple's 17-year-old daughter escaped from a window in the family's home in Paris, California, which is about 60 miles south of Los Angeles to call 911 because the Turpins had been holding their kids hostage for the last 20-something years.

Sean: Huh.

Layc: Isn't that crazy?

Dick: Yeah. Did they get their show?

Layc: Ages 29 to three to four ... No. But they got famous for a whole different reason.

Dick: Ages 29?

Layc: 29-year-old woman. She weighed 82 pounds.

Dick: Nice.

Sean: You gotta look at this father is-

Dick: [crosstalk 01:38:31] What's the can situation?

Layc: So crazy. The can?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Nonexistent.

Layc: Of the 82-

Dick: They're genetic, though. You could have big cans and be skinny.

Layc: There's absolutely no way.

Sean: You can, but not like that.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Layc: Not like that, no.

Dick: Mmm, I don't know.

Layc: No. No. So, when deputies arrives to the house, they found the children starved, chained to beds. The house smelled like human waste. And the youngest children didn't even know who police were, what they were. They were just completely-

Dick: Maybe they just were taught correctly not to talk to the police.

Sean: But then, there were weird photos of them going to, like, Las Vegas, and they would renew their vows at this wedding chapel, with 13 kids, and all the girls are dressed the same, and all the boys are dressed the same. They're all these like, skinny, like older daughter holding a baby. It's really weird.

Layc: The girl that called 911, she was mistaken for a 10-year-old girl, 'cause she was so little.

Sean: Yeah, they didn't think there were any adults in the house besides the parents, but three of them were over 20 years old, I think.

Layc: So scary.

Sean: Yeah, really bizarre. The guy's an engineer for, like, an aerospace-

Layc: Yeah.

Sean: ... company, or something.

Layc: They had some money.

Dick: Yeah, you gotta keep your eye on those engineers. They never stop.

Sean: For real.

Dick: They're always engineering. Some of them need sims in their life, or they're gonna turn their family into sims. That's the problem.

Layc: They pleaded not guilty to multiple counts, I think it was up to 70 counts, of child abuse, torture, dependent adult abuse, and false imprisonment, dating back to 2010.

Dick: God, that sounds like so much work.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: Keeping all those people chained up.

Layc: So much work. How do you plead not guilty to that when the cops walk in and you have people chained to their beds? That doesn't-

Dick: Just, how do you? I can't even keep a plant alive, watering it, and they got people?

Layc: They could barely keep people alive.

Dick: What if they wanna get away for the weekend?

Layc: They didn't ever want to get away from anything. They never left their home. Their distant family members said that Louise's dad passed away a couple years ago, and she refused to go to his funeral.

Dick: Well, then I have nothing in common with these people.

Layc: No, nothing.

Dick: I can't understand that, at all.

Sean: I go to funerals, God dammit.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: Actually, David kidnapped Louise when she was 16, and they ran away together. Got caught in Texas, and then, when they got brought back to Pennsylvania, they eloped and then took off on the merry little way to have their weird little life together.

Dick: I wish they would have got their show. Why didn't they just put some webcams up? 'Cause old media's dead. They gotta go new media. They gotta Twitch. They're gonna realize that, in prison, they had a whole factory of Twitch streamers right under their nose, and they chose to piss it away for a big money, Hollywood deal, when all they had to do was set up some webcams, get those kids an X-box-

Sean: Patreon.

Dick: ... or a Switch. You don't even need Patreon on Twitch.

Sean: Oh, no, I guess not, huh?

Dick: No. Get some stuffed animals for the girls to play with on camera. They do. It's not me. I'm not donating to that, but women are making a fortune. These fucking idiots. They should have talked to me. If you're out there, and if you have your family chained up, 'cause you're trying to get a big sitcom or a reality show, send me an email. I'll straighten you out. I show you how to set up to get a Twitch partner account.

Sean: Yeah, you should specialize in-

Dick: Twitch affiliate.

Sean: ... maximum return on investment for-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: ... that type of depraved situation.

Dick: You don't want to be beholden to Hollywood-

Sean: No.

Dick: ... for your chained up family sitcom.

Sean: No, they're gonna abuse you worse, anyway, so.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're gonna want creative control.

Sean: Keep the abuse in-house, and, you know, keep more of the money.

Dick: Alright, we got one more. One more.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: That's it?

Layc: That's it.

Dick: Okay, that was the last one. [crosstalk 01:42:12] That's a good one to end on. Thank you. Thank you very much, Layc.

Sean: Jesus Christ.

Dick: What a weird show. Alright, let me read this gift I got.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah. Somebody sent me this customized Christmas ornament of the 20 Million Dollar Man.

Sean: That's cool.

Dick: Pretty cool.

Sean: I was looking at that.

Layc: I saw that.

Dick: "I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping, AKA the only time I ever do Christmas shopping, when I came across this ornament. It was right then that I knew what I had to do. I picked up probably the nicest gift I bought anyone all year. I'm not a Picasso, but I even put a lot of effort into painting it so it could be as close to the real thing as I could make it. Anyway, I hope it could bring you a little bit of joy, since you always bring me so much, week after week. Forever Dickhead, David Sleighmaker."

Very nice Cucksmas Ornament.

Sean: That's cool, so he-

Layc: That's great.

Dick: Of the 20 Million Dollar Man that he's scribbled long hair down his neck and his back.

Sean: Well, from here, it looks cool. I could tell it was custom, so ...

Dick: It is like a Picasso. It's good from far.

Sean: Well, because you used the term, scribbled, which is derogatory, in my book. You know, when you're talking about somebody putting the effort in to making something nice for you.

Dick: Yeah, very true. God, I've got a lot more goss, but-

Sean: I think it's nice.

Dick: It is nice.

Sean: Dick doesn't care.

Dick: Reddit, [Earratch 01:43:28] says having to pee after you nut makes him a rage.

Sean: Kay.

Dick: Is that the same for women as it is for men? Is that a pain in the ass?

Layc: You should every time, after.

Dick: I mean, you should do a lot of things. It sucks, though. It hurts a little bit.

Layc: No.

Dick: Yeah, it does. It does for us, I'm saying.

Layc: Oh.

Dick: It doesn't hurt for you guys?

Layc: No.

Dick: Oh. Yeah, it's annoying.

Sean: Well, depending on the timeline, all sorts of things happen.

Dick: Yeah, you could get a bunch of shards in your dick that you gotta blast through. Or you just gotta sit there, waiting, looking like a chump, while your dick decides to piss.

Sean: Right.

Layc: You guys are so sensitive.

Sean: And then-

Dick: We don't like waiting. Perhaps you've made a guy wait and gotten screamed at for it. Perhaps you're familiar with that. Alright, let's see, this dude says, "Show this ..." No, I'll do that next time. A guy, the De-Militarized Zone on Reddit, has spliced together ... This is really incredible, what he's done. He's spliced together all the uncut audio from The Biggest Problem episodes 100 and 101. You remember when Maddox and I had that big fight, about how no one who anyone respects, like your father or Donald Trump?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: I posted the unedited versions of that, and this guy, De-Militarized Zone, went through, and minute-by-minute, or second-by-second, compared what was released to what I gave him, to what was originally recorded.

Sean: Well, let's go a step further, though.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Because, remember, I would edit those episodes, too.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But not for content-

Dick: Right.

Sean: ... because that wasn't really my place. So I would do things like pacing, or take out some stutters. So, most likely there's not anything additional in the completely raw version that I have, compared to the one that was uploaded, and then compared to the one that-

Dick: No, I see what you're saying.

Sean: ... he went and chopped up.

Dick: Right. So, there's nothing missing in-

Sean: Probably not.

Dick: ... the very raw version. The one you have is just, like I told them, it's mostly mastered and stutters taken out.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He's given a point-by-point breakdown of everything that was chopped and cut from those episodes. It's pretty interesting.

Sean: I know sometimes he would edit pretty heavily, wouldn't he?

Dick: Yeah, there was a 10-minute discussion about black on black gun violence that Maddox cut.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: There was what he calls, "the cringiest moment of the show," when Maddox is defending the second time he's saying that I was shitting on Trump with the, "no one anyone respects, like your father or Donald Trump," which was obviously a joke, 'cause Trump is a jackass.

Sean: He was the only one who was confused by that sentence.

Dick: Yeah. There was one other interesting one. It's called, let me see ... Let me find it, and then we'll get to voice mails.

Sean: Not to get off, did you post a ...

Dick: I didn't post the rape list one.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: I'm gonna post it next week, I think. So, this is the funniest one. The ending of Episode 100. When Sean handed it over, it gradually faded out, right? Like, you had Episode 100 of The Biggest Problem in the Universe, you gradually faded it out as we bickered. That was the original.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah, that was in the original.

Sean: That sounds like an odd thing to do, but I could have done it.

Dick: It does. It does.

Sean: As you bickered? 'Cause I would not put in the theme song at the end, because he always wanted to place-

Dick: Right.

Sean: ... the outro music. That seems weird that I would do that.

Dick: I remember you doing that, though. I remember you saying, "I'll just fade it out."

Sean: Maybe because of the way that it was going, and it was kind of a funny idea to have it fade out like there was a bunch of ranting, and ...

Dick: So, apparently, Maddox edited out my last two words and ended it with him laughing, instead of me having the last words, he clipped that out so it was him laughing, and that was the end. These are the important edits he made. Anyway, there's a big Reddit post on it.

Alright, everybody, this has been The Dick Show. Layc, thank you for stopping by.

Layc: Thank you for having me.

Dick: Make sure you pick up some Dickels. Figure it out, first. I'll show you how to do it.

Layc: Thank you.

Dick: I'll fix your whole thing. It's a mess. You've obviously not had a man touching your-

Layc: I need all the help I can get.

Dick: ... devices for many a year.

Sean: Oh, boy.

Layc: Never.

Dick: You need a man's touch on that equipment. It's very inefficient.

Layc: Totally.

Dick: Needs to be cleaned out. I'll see you in Portland. Road Rage Portland tickets are on sale.

Layc: See you in Portland.

Dick: What's funny about that?

Layc: Satellite, February 24th.

Sean: Jamie knows.

Dick: Go to, See you next Tuesday.

Oh, this song is by Saved State. Do you want to hear an Elliot Smith song, or let's hear Justin's song.

Sean: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Do you remember how Justin said how easy it was to make a classic rock song, or like a blues song?

Sean: Yeah, but he did Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky.

Dick: Yeah. Saved State Corrupted actually made that song.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: So here it is. It's called Spirits, by Saved State Corrupted.

Sean: Ah, of course it is.


Dick: Yeah, it's a good song. Right? (singing) Could've been [inaudible 01:49:20]

Sean: Right. (singing)

Dick: I was laughing at ... Oh, right ... (singing)

All right.

Sean: Instant classic.

Dick: Instant classic. The spirits are coming to town.

Sean: The spirits are coming to town.

Dick: It's the Spirit of God. Okay, let me get some voice mails.

Audio: Ben: Jake, it's Ben at My Room Records. Okay, I am going to let you in on a something. I was on Craigslist browsing the other day, looking for a bike, and I found a gold bike with an attached bike lock that was green underneath. It was spray painted gold. The guy who sold it to me said he used to live in LA, so I have no idea, but if this is your bike from Burning Man, that'd be pretty badass. Anyway, talk to you later.

Dick: Uh, if that's my bike that got stolen at Burning Man, I wanna know who that guy was, and I will fly to his house and kick his ass. That caused me so much stress and anger and rage, my bike getting stolen at Burning Man.

Sean: You brought a bike to Burning Man?

Dick: Yes. I always take a bike to Burning Man, and they get stolen every fucking year. And that one, I actually put ... well, wait-

Sean: I thought this was the community bike.

Layc: Exactly.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no, that's how I got the name, Community Bike. 'Cause my bike got stolen, so I had to start getting community bikes.

Sean: Really?

Dick: My bike got stolen, and then I stole someone's bike-

Sean: I'm gonna have to check the record on this.

Dick: ... 'cause I thought it was a community bike, but it wasn't. It was just a green bike. So I took it home, spray painted it gold, brought it back the next year, and it was immediately stolen. I put a lot of work into that bike, and wrapped it up with a lot of lights. And it had a beautiful cup holder. It had a perfect fucking cup holder that every beer fit into, and it would pinch the sides just enough so that it would never come out. Never. It would bend the aluminum just enough. I need a picture of that bicycle. I will know immediately if that bike is mine. Immediately.

Sean: How'd it do off of ramps? Keep the beer-

Dick: Why don't you shut the hell up, Sean?

Layc: Isn't stealing against the whole point of Burning Man?

Dick: There's no point to it. It's just a bunch of burnouts and spoiled cocksuckers meeting in the desert and getting high, and boning. And people talking about themselves. There's no fucking point.

Layc: Okay.

Dick: It's like Eat, Pray, Love for men. With just enough engineering so we don't make ourselves sick, you know?

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: It's like a hard, hard version of that, but it's still just wasteful. Yes, it would be against the point, if there was a point. There's no ...

Layc: Thanks.

Dick: It's just a trick to get hot girls out there-

Layc: Okay.

Dick: ... which there are a shitload of.

Audio: Speaker 8: You know what really makes me a fucking rage is the entire State of Connecticut. I lived there for 30 years, and it was impossible to save money or anything with my fucking life ... Tennessee with my wife, and the minimum wage here is so fucking low that we're both serving coffee as baristas and we're renting pretty much a fucking mansion. I changed my address on my insurance, and my premium got cut in half for the year. And I'm just thinking to myself, why would anybody want to fucking live in Connecticut? It's a fucking highway from New York to Massachusetts, filled with a bunch of fucking cunts. They are so fucking stupid, and I had the word, but toxic. It is just so much better to live anywhere else in the fucking country. That's it. That's what makes me a rage tonight.

Sean: Fuck Connecticut.

Dick: Fuck Connecticut.

Sean: Never been there.

Dick: Connecticut?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Me, either. I can't imagine I wanna go. I can't imagine a pitch for Connecticut.

Sean: Like, that's the next state I have to visit.

Dick: Yeah, like I imagine that's, "Hey, Dick, let's go to Connecticut." It's, eh ...

Sean: Let's do a show in Connecticut.

Dick: Come on.

Sean: I don't know. I don't know anything about it.

Dick: Me, either. I kinda know. Like, I know a lot of Connecticut-adjacent things, and I don't like them. Like the cottages, and stuff like that. Like Martha's Vineyards type shit. I don't like any of it.

Audio: Johnny: Yo, what's up, Dick? Johnny from Miami here.

Dick: Hey, what's up, Johnny? [crosstalk 01:55:04]

Audio: Fucking rage today. Ignorant people. I'm telling you, I'm going in the line at the supermarket, and then they have this thing where it's like, "Would you like to donate one or two dollars for the Special Olympics?" And I say no. No, I wouldn't. Then the lady behind the counter tells me, "Oh, you should just say you don't have it." I'm like, what? She's like, "Oh, it's better to say you don't have it." I'm like, no, I say that I do not want to donate my hard-earned money to the Special Olympics. Besides, do you know who's sponsoring the Special Olympics? Hmm? Do you know? You look at the little sign on the little fucking coupons that they give you for, "Oh, thank you. I donated for ... whatever." It might as well be a pin that you wear on your shirt that say, "I donated today to the Special Olympics."

Are you gonna see it? Probably not. You're probably not even gonna spend five fucking hours of your life watching Special Olympics. It might be inspirational, or it might be entertaining. It might be nice to watch, but you're probably not gonna fucking watch it. Why are you gonna be a fucking hypocrite? Whatever.

So this dumb bitch is looking at me like I'm supposed to donate, or that she's offended that I said I didn't wanna donate. I tell her, "Well, look, when you think about all the not for profits organizations around the globe, or around the United States that you wanna donate to them because they have a nice little title, and they say that they're gonna do this and that. And then, when it comes down to it, you look up these organizations-

Dick: You know what? I hope he said all this at the checkout line. That's what they deserve.

Audio: ... and most of them probably donate 88%. They don't have to donate as much as you think. They could donate as much as 8% if they want to. 6%, who the fuck knows? Single digit numbers. And I'm telling this woman, calm, right? I told her no, I don't wanna donate. It's because I don't know where the money's going to. It's because-

Dick: That's a legitimate reason.

Audio: ... a lot of these donations are run by people who-

Sean: You've got to really research it.

Audio: ... don't have to donate at all, and they keep all the proceeds. They say it's for research, or they say it's for this and that. But at the end of the day, it's just making their pockets fat, and I'm not gonna do that.

And then she's just like, "Oh, okay." She's just passing me by. She just wants me to leave the line. It's like, you dumb bitch, you're coming at me, telling me that ... Wait, give me a second.

Dick: Alright, no, you're done.

Sean: Basically ...

Dick: Basically. You know what we gotta have? We gotta have cards where any kind of minor inconvenience you get stuck with, you can just flip to the card, and you have a five minute rant that you can go on, and read at the checkout stand, and really ruin everyone's time. That's the only weapon we have, anymore, so they're afraid to ask you to donate again.

Sean: I just want a society where we're all just completely afraid to talk to each other, ever.

Dick: Strangers-

Sean: Ever.

Dick: ... yes. Yeah.

Sean: That would be great.

Dick: It would be great.

Sean: What are you doing?

Dick: What are you doing, Layc?

Layc: I'm taking a picture of Jamie.

Speaker 7: Please don't take a picture of [inaudible 01:58:13]

Dick: I was on a customer service call for 45 minutes this week, trying to get an answer of why one of my accounts was locked, or suspended, or something like that. This is a payment processing account. And my whole point was, yeah, look, I get that that's your policy, but I know that the clock determines your success, and that you get penalized if you stay with a customer for too long. So I can just sit here talking forever, until you upgrade me to the right department. So, fuck you.

Sean: Do you wanna do this?

Dick: I'm gonna filibuster your shit out. That's what we're gonna do.

Sean: Yeah, filibuster with total silence. I'll just stay on.

Dick: Oh, I got Facebook news. Let me find that.

Sean: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Audio: Speaker 9: Hello, Dick, and hello, Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. Stephen Lang may have ignited a new rivalry between the Dickheads on Facebook and the Dickheads on Discord.

Dick: Recorded this with a cam.

Audio: Wang accused them of being anti-Semites who kicked him solely because he's Jewish. However, to Discord's credit, whenever Lang was pressed for more information, he called various people faggots and soyboys. His posts then broke down into a slew of insults about his hair and charismatic, autistic personality.

Sean: Boy.

Audio: For those of you who are wondering, Stove is set to make his return to the Facebook group on January 27th, which is the day he is un-Zucked from Facebook. I had the opportunity to speak with him during-

Dick: Zuck means that you're temporarily suspended from Facebook.

Audio: ... Nick [Rickito 01:59:40] livestream, where Stove told me he's still on the job, [inaudible 01:59:44] he cannot wait to make it back to the Facebook group.

Lastly is Christopher, who need some advice for his "brother". Chris' "brother" sent a drunk dick pic to a woman a while back, and now a random SOC account on Facebook is trying to blackmail him for a $100 iTunes gift card. [crosstalk 02:00:02] did not comment, therefore, the best advice was from Matthew, who suggested sending 100 more dick pics, one for every dollar she's not going to get out of you.

This has been the Big [inaudible 02:00:12] Facebook Group news for the last couple days.

Sean: That's such a funny request. A $100 iTunes gift card-

Dick: iTunes gift card.

Sean: Untraceable.

Dick: [inaudible 02:00:25] it gets into the iTunes system?

Sean: Awesome.

Dick: Oh, man, poor guy's getting blackmailed for dick picks. Oh, fuck it. Who cares? Who cares if everyone sees your dick?

Sean: Remember, we've talked about this on the old show.

Dick: Oh, yeah, we did.

Sean: It's just everybody's gonna have naked photos at some point.

Dick: Yeah. Well, that was Maddox's plan.

Layc: I just had a Dick fan ask me if I liked naughty pictures. On [crosstalk 02:00:50]

Dick: Yes. Yeah, get him to send you some dick pics, and we'll put 'em on Blast.

Layc: Let's put 'em on Blast.

Dick: He likes it. He wants to be seen.

Layc: Obviously, he likes it.

Dick: Let's see. We got time for one more?

Sean: Yeah, sure.

Audio: Speaker 10: So, one thing that really makes me a rage is slow typers. I worked in a high-volume call center that was really busy on emails, for five years. And if you read the Outliers book-

Dick: It's like an email center.

Audio: ... where it says, like, if 10,000 hours of time put into something, if you put that much time into something, it makes you good at something. And if you work 40 hours a week, five days a week, for five years, that means you should be good at typing, and stuff.

Dick: Apparently, there's a flaw in that.

Audio: I joined this company, and there are people that had been working for 10 years with the company, 15 years with the company, and I was there with them for another five years. So they were there 15, 20 years. You go to their desk, and you're like, "Hey, can you pull up that thing I asked you about?" They're like, "Yeah, one second." And they lean over their keyboard, squint, and they poke each key with their index finger. You have to actively try to not get good at something if you spend 20 years doing it, and you fucking suck at it. What's that say about the workforce? It's fucking infuriating.

Dick: Yeah, slow typing. Slow typing and not being able to understand what a URL is. That is the most frustrating fucking thing. "Send me the URL." "What?"

Okay. I'm calling the police. You have no business doing what you're doing. You have no business with your computer. I'm sending the police over to take it away from you.

Sean: Yeah, I am SWATing you, right now.

Dick: Yeah. I want you to go outside and start knocking on doors until someone can explain to you what is a URL. 'Cause I'm not doing it. I'm done.

Sean: Oh, boy.

Dick: One more. One more.

Sean: All right.

Dick: One more, one more.

Audio: Speaker 11: Hey, what's up, Dick?

Dick: What's up?

Audio: I got a big rage this week. I don't know if everyone is gonna relate to this, although I think they probably will. My rage this week is the slow phasing out of the money shot from porn videos. I don't know if you've noticed on the old porn hub, but it used to be you could watch any video and get that satisfying money shot at the end, and they're slowly, slowly starting to edit them ... There used to be videos that I could dependably go to, to get my fix, and they've begun to go back and edit them out so that you have to, I guess, subscribe to the website, or whatever to get ... Dude, we all skip most of the video. We just need the money shot. It's like taking the chocolate out of the chocolate milk.

Dick: I know. It's like, you can never finish the end of a song.

Audio: I'm hoping I'm not the only one who's noticed-

Dick: It's like every song that you listen to on the radio. What are you giving me those raising eyebrows for? You're on camera. What was that? You thinking about money shots?

Layc: No. Jesus.

Dick: It's like every song you listen to in a car doesn't finish.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It stops midway through the last chorus. That's a porno without a money shot. And they are doing it. 'Cause then it's all previews, now. It used to be, you'd have your little collection ... Stop fucking doing that. You'd have your little collection, and you could fast forward, and you could at least get a nice three-minute stretch, right before the climax. But then it went online, and none of us are paying the subscriptions, so we're all just watching those fucking clip reels. This is what you get if you subscribe to Bang Bus, and it's like a three minute of clips that accelerates you through the pornography. By the time the money shot comes, you're like, "I'm not ready for this!" You've gone too fast, and it's terrible.

Sean: Yeah, people don't pay for those premium sites, do they?

Dick: I don't know who does.

Sean: 'Cause like the other stuff used to be good enough. Used to be good.

Dick: Like, in the old days, one man in America bought all the porn, and then we'd all just steal it from him. Like, your dad, or your dad's friend would have it, and he would get it loaned from someone else. Then, eventually it would trickle down to you. Reagan invented it. You'd steal it from your dad, or you'd steal it from your friend's dad, and then they would steal it from somebody else. But it all came from one location.

Now, it's just one guy who subscribed to all these sites, and they're all selling him ads with these chopped up pornography films with no money shots. Were you just shaking your head? You don't know?

Layc: I just didn't know that you had to pay for porn.

Dick: Yeah.

Layc: I thought it was free.

Dick: Well, it's free, but it's-

Layc: But it's not.

Dick: ... it's all crummy, and sliced up, and full of-

Layc: There's better porn?

Dick: I imagine I would like porn that doesn't have an ad of the Simpsons boning next to it.

Layc: I've never had an ad in my porn.

Dick: Where do you look at your porn, Layc? Where do you go? Just places?

Layc: Just places.

Dick: What kinda places?

Layc: Online.

Dick: Like Pornhub? Does that sound familiar?

Layc: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah? Pornhub's got weird ads on it.

Layc: I've never seen any ads on Pornhub.

Dick: What are you looking for? Maybe they're not selling ads for that kind of stuff, it's so bizarre.

Layc: There is no way I'm going to tell you what I search for in porn.

Dick: What if I guess it?

Layc: You can try and guess.

Sean: This is a dangerous, dangerous game you're playing.

Layc: I know.

Dick: Okay, two guys, one girl?

Layc: Never.

Dick: Cosplay?

Layc: Never.

Dick: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Layc: Never.

Dick: Dressing up?

Layc: No.

Dick: Coming on a pizza? That kind of a thing?

Layc: No. You're so far off, it's not even funny.

Dick: Girls spraying milk out their ass?

Layc: No. Nothing.

Dick: No?

Layc: Nothing of that sort.

Dick: It's not a thing you look at?

Layc: Not ever.

Dick: Alright. 'Kay, you got me stumped on that one. Solo girls?

Layc: No.

Dick: Solo guys?

Layc: Uh-huh (negative).

Dick: No?

Layc: Solo guys?

Dick: Japanese girls?

Layc: No.

Dick: Making themselves throw up.

Sean: Whoa, what do you mean, no?

Dick: Yeah, was that a no on solo guys? No ...

Sean: No, it was Japanese girls.

Dick: Oh, yeah, what the hell is up with that?

Layc: I'm not into Asian porn.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Why? It's too sexy?

Layc: No.

Dick: It's too extreme?

Layc: No.

Dick: Okay. I can't guess. I'm out of guesses.

Layc: It's okay. I'll take it.

Dick: Big boob pornography? Is that what you're into?

Layc: No.

Dick: Me, either. Alright, everybody. See you next week. See you next Tuesday.