Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Nick Rekieta, Asterios Kokkinos, Madcucks, Lettuce Jones
Dick: Look at the fucking cat . That's great. That's the best coloring we've ever had--
Jamie: I agree.
Dick: -- on the show. Look at how much-- look at how full of life everyone looks.
Sean: It does look pretty good.
Dick: It does look good because I did it. I took extra time to make sure everyone looked good, not mediocre. Usually I just do a mediocre job.
Sean: Good enough.
Dick: Yeah, usually if the equipment's running--
Sean: It's like Six Flags compared to Disneyland.
Dick: Yeah. Good enough.
Sean: It's like Knott's Berry Farm.
Sean: So what do you guys have here? Is it a theme park?
Dick: It's kind of a [inaudible].
Dick: Is it a jam factory that you have? Is it a jelly store?
Sean: It's true.
Dick: Yeah. What about Snoopy? Who the fuck wants to see Snoopy and Linus?
Sean: They were the only ones available. They are the only ones who answered. All right. Let's do the show.
Dick: Does Linus' blanket have barf on it?
Sean: Yeah, of course it does.
Sean: He's a child.
Dick: Yeah. He's got gross shit all over it.
Dick: He's got-- Linus' his blanket has a crusty milk from his mom.[Music plays]
Dick: You know what I mean?
Dick: Like mom's milk.
Dick: When you have a baby.
Dick: And it comes out like, "bleh."
Jamie: Oh my God.
Dick: That's what Linus has on his blanket. Yeah... Welcome to Dick. You want dick, you need dick, you love dick. You got it. It's the show where everything is a contest coming to you live from a mountain bunker, deep in the heart of the city of failure. I am your host Dick Masters and the 20 million dollar man. The 20 million dollar man, Dick Master's. And with me is always, Sean, audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, Dick.
Dick: Hey, what's up buddy? We've got a full studio today. Jamie Lynn Hughes is also with us in the program.
Jamie: Hello.Dick: Hey, Jamie. Also I've got a very dear friend of mine who I have not seen in a long time. I haven't seen in maybe 87 episodes.
Sean: Oh. [Laughs].
Dick: But this is a person watching the show today, who I owe a great debt of gratitude.
Sean: As do I.
Dick: Yes. To the tune of a quarter million dollars--[Laughter]
Dick: A very dear friend who reminded me before the show, that I texted her on the way back from Mexico. You might remember the first episode of the show was Dick on Mexico and it was-- I was telling a story of me coming back from Mexico with 80's girl. And when I got back into the United States, I had a message for Maddox, a text-- an email from Ma-- or it's a text or something where Maddox had found out what had been going on under his nose and he was very upset about it. And the biggest problem was canceled. That was it. That was the-- and that was yeah-- yeah, yeah. And I texted this person who's in the studio today. Just as a joke, "Hey, do you realize how much money you just cost me by telling this jackass, this joker?" And I'm sure he forced it out of you. I know how he is because who would-- no one wants to talk about other people's business that much. But I take it back. I apologize for that, for saying that or putting any guilt on you because clearly it's only been wins. Unless I lose the lawsuit, then I'm coming back after you. Then it's all on you. Then I'm sending you an invoice for 20 million dollars.
Dick: All right.
Sean: And doxing you.
Dick: So thanks for coming to the show. Thanks for everything. Thanks for making this all possible. This house and there's Sean over here, pretty much everything. These cameras that we've got. These are all-- they're all dedicated to you and your helper. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. I've got some really-- well I don't know if we got some stuff to go over here. Dick-o-mania is sweeping the globe.
Sean: Oh, it is.
Dick: People are buying artwork with their dickels.
Sean: Yeah. I want to see that artwork.
Dick: A guy-- it's awesome. Max Panic is doing it.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: You know Maximum Panic. Pixel Art Panic on Twitter. If you want to hit him for some-- I don't know how much he's charging. Cantillion is taking dickels at his bar in the O.C. In O.C., excuse me, it's not the O.C. Everyone knows that, who's a local. And a guy selling mason jar bongs.
Dick: Very, very hip.
Sean: It's a big chamber.
Dick: It's a very-- it's a good point, Sean.
Dick: It's a very big chamber and there's a magnet on it. So you can just put your lighter up to it and bam! The lighter sticks to the bong. Has this ever happened to you or you get your B-O double-- B-O-N double G packed and you can't find a lighter. Somebody steals it. Bam! You just let that thing go. Lighter sticks to the magnet on the bong. That's pretty smart.
Sean: Pretty cool. Yeah.
Dick: It's pretty smart. All right. So get your dickels. Register at dickels.lol and I'll get them to you as-- I'll put them on the dickel store. You read the instructions, go there, sign in and read instructions. Read every fucking letter of the instructions. If you realize this, if you skim those instructions, you are-- it's like telling me to my face, "Could you hurry it up?" It's like getting right in my face and giving me a wrap it up sign. Don't-- I didn't write that for fun. I don't like writing to inconvenience you. Okay? So if you go to the dickel site, dickels.lol, read it. Read every letter of it.
Sean: Have you given more than one do over?
Dick: Yeah. Couple of guys lost their dickels.
Sean: I think that might have precipitated this.
Dick: Dick, I'm sorry. It looks like-- they get too-- they get so excited.
Sean: Yeah. You can't blame him.
Dick: Put in any theory and address there, just like, "I don't know what to put in." So they start putting in their favorite Adam Sandler movies.
Dick: Like why send your dickels to the water boy? Okay?
Dick: You know? What do you want me to do here?
Sean: I got to stop touching that thing. The bonus episode-- Oh the bonus episode--
Dick: Thank you. I didn't know you alerted me to it. I didn't know.
Sean: I just-- I touched it because I like having something to hold on to.
Dick: I know.
Sean: I feel like--
Dick: The old show , you used to grab the-- and lean back and lean against the merchandise racks.
Dick: It was-- I think we only filmed one of those.
Sean: Well, you know--
Dick: It was funny. I remember people's posture in that show.
Sean: When Randy filmed that episode?
Sean: Yeah. I mean he wasn't allowed to do that anymore because Maddox can't read.
Sean: Because he would just sit there holding up a piece of paper, reading very poorly.
Dick: Probably like a third grade level, like I would probably-- I would-- I don't know who I would bet dickels on. If I had to make that bet of who's going to read more better, Maddox or a third grader. It's a tough-- I need to know more info.
Jamie: That's what I want to hear from the chopped up or the unchopped episodes that people are asking to be released, like there's got to be some good Maddox tripping over his words in there.
Dick: Sean, I think you can speak to that.
Sean: I think there-- Yes. [Laughs].
Dick: Yeah. And no, there were places where like hilarity and see where we had to take a moment.
Sean: And he says, excuse me after everyone.
Dick: It's like Porky Pig, abadi badi, excuse me, abadi badi excuse me, abadi badi excuse me, abadi badi excuse me. Welcome. So in the bonus episode that's just out. I think it's Dick on Big Fouls. I play the episode 17 audio where the rape apologist, out of context audio comes from-- the people who have heard the-- when I said yeah, you should expect the worst of the worst. Everybody knows the audio I'm talking about. People who have heard it already are saying some interesting things. Number one, when you hear the audio with no edits, like as it was said in the studio, not only do I-- not only is there no mistaking what I'm talking about. But I immediately explain exactly what I mean, twice. Once to a dumb-- once for a dumb person. If anybody didn't understand what I was talking about and then once again for an even dumber person.
Dick: And all that Maddox said and his response is, "Big Foul, you can't say that." And stares at the ground like he's missing Wapner.
Dick: Okay? That's the-- the first thing is I immediate-- There's no possibility that it was misconstrued because I can immediately explained what I mean which is how everybody understood it.
Sean: Well, I think he stopped listening right then.
Sean: He heard that?
Dick: Because Wapner was on.
Sean: Wapner was on?
Dick: Wapner was on.
Dick: The second thing that was interesting is that it was episode 17 and people didn't know that. That we continued doing the show for a year and a half with somebody who's like this horrible rape--
Sean: I never thought about that.
Dick: Yeah. I didn't think about it either.
Sean: Never thought about that.
Dick: Oh, yeah. You're right. So that means that he had it in like a cache of like-- of media files to use against me, I guess. I don't know. I hope the cache's a lot bigger because that one's not going to put me down.
Dick: Let's see, bonus episode also. Keyon gave me some good advice about prostitutes.
Dick: I hope that-- I don't think that was a legal advice. I say that in a joking way. I don't understand what lawyers can and can't say. They've always got this preamble--
Sean: Well, he does. He does. He's not going to say anything he's not comfortable with.
Dick: That's true.
Dick: I don't know why I'm worried about putting him out in the rain, right?
Sean: Well, maybe because--
Dick: Like what the fuck matters what I say. Everyone knows I'm full of-- Dick lies. That's what I'm known for.
Dick: It's just very simple. Your Honor, hash tag Dick lies. Case dismissed. You good. Why do you even hang out with this guy?
Dick: Speaking of hanging out, Kean was hanging out afterwards and he ate-- this man ate chips in my living room and got like sprayed chips all over the rug. It was like somebody had dropped caltrops and they were trying to evade-- like it was like a squid shooting ink out to escape predators.
Sean: It's like he's related to Asterios or something.
Dick: Yeah. These people come over to my-- my friends come over to my house and just spray their crap everywhere.
Sean: Everything gets fucked up. Well, your house is like-- your house is like Fantasy Island.
Dick: I guess it is.
Sean: A pleasure island or what it--
Dick: And the most pleasurable thing that a man, that Kean wants to do is just get chip, Tostitos chips everywhere.
Dick: Apparently. I don't know. I've got to solve that mystery.
Sean: Well, there is booze involved.
Dick: Yeah. There was a little bit booze involved. He did bring some good booze over.
Dick: Let me see. He also-- because I wanted to do the Valentine's Day contest for the world's loneliest dick head.
Dick: That's why the topic of prostitution came up. I want to get a lonely dickhead, a very lonely dickhead a hot, hot date for the evening for Valentine's Day. If you know what I mean. You know what I'm talking about? A hot, hot date. A fantasy date, I'm talking about because there's a lot of guys who've like they've never even touched a woman. Listening-- they'll send in emails like, "I've never touched a woman who wasn't a pillow." "I haven't had a kiss in five years." I can help one of you, only if it's a contest that takes place on this show for other people's enjoyment, right? So I don't know how we're going to do it yet. But that's what I want to do. So if you have a story like this, let me know.
Jamie: I feel like I already know who's going to win.
Jamie: Because it was a-- we predicted it on I.R.C.
Dick: Well, who is it?
Jamie: Reckwood. [Laughs]
Dick: You think Reckwood's going to win? Okay. Jamie thinks Reckwood--
Sean: I feel like this is going to be another case on The Dick Show where the cure is worse than the disease.
Dick: What do you mean?
Sean: You know, because [Laughing] no-- you know, he's going to pay for it in one way or another.
Dick: He's going to want to marry her.
Sean: No. It's going to be-- a show fodder.
Sean: Because you have carte blanche to do or say what you want.
Dick: Look Sean, I'm just trying to get a guy connection. You know what I mean? A nice dinner. I don't want anybody to be alone on Valentine's Day. And my heart's in the right place. I'm better than either of you who aren't buying anyone else dates, period.
Sean: That's true because I have a heart.
Dick: Yeah. Oh man, We've got-- I've got some really terrible, terrible news as well.
Sean: Oh, good segue.[Laughter]
Dick: It's like a Casey Kasem thing about a dead puppy right after a--
Dick: Right after a fucking uptempo song. [Laughing]. Google it, people. It's worth it.
Sean: Tear Shaggy swear all day.
Dick: Coach is pregnant. I don't know if it's him or his wife. But coach is--
Sean: I thought he was gaining some serious weight. No, I'm just kidding.
Dick: So that's-- that's the end. I can't have a man--
Sean: It happens.
Dick: -- as my life coach who has a baby on the way. He doesn't have any time for me.
Dick: If you-- and this is-- it really-- this really does make me rage in a very deep non shouting way. But that's the fucking end of this guy.
Dick: Knocked his wife up. Pregnant. That's the end, Sean.
Sean: [Inaudible] for a while, right? I mean that's--
Dick: That's the end. It's 6-- It's six months until end of that man.
Dick: And the start of a weird parallel dad universe version. Like when Riker, like an evil version of yourself except it's a dad version of yourself who is fucked in the-- who has a whole different set of priorities.
Sean: I cannot wait to see how he is as a father.
Dick: Oh, he is going to be so--
Sean: [Inaudible] hilarious.
Dick: You know what he said to me?
Sean: So weird.
Dick: You know what he said to me? I said-- so I said to him, we're out drinking. I'm having a wake. He's having a celebration when he gives me this news. I'm like, "Yeah. Well your free time is over, dude."
Dick: That's it. Enjoy. Yeah. Oh, exactly.
Sean: Yeah, I know. I know.
Dick: Oh no. I said, "No, you don't understand. You can't even text when these motherfuckers are around because they're like lemmings. The video game, not the real lemmings because that turned out to be a myth that lemmings don't dive off cliffs and kill themselves. But in the video game, they do and that's what the babies are like. They crawl up to anything and try to smash their head in it, into it. Everything is a header to them. That's the only move they know. Is up-- is that a new thing? Well, I'd better bash my head into it just to see how it-- I'm pretty bored. I'm going to try smashing my head into something.
Sean: Right in a soft spot.
Dick: So you've got to be there on-- you've got to be on guard duty all the time. You've got to be grabbing these wiggly shits before they're killed, before they break their own necks, before they do another Greg Louganis off of the coffee table, right?
Dick: It's a 90's joke for all you gen-exers. Jamie, do you know that reference?
Jamie: What? Say it again?
Dick: Do you know Greg Louganis?
Dick: I knew it. Millennial.
Dick: That's a millenial test. Greg Louganis. Do you know Janet Reno?
Jamie: I know that name.
Dick: Yes. That's two millennials--
Jamie: That's Bill Clinton something or other, right? She was one of the-- am I right?
Dick: I don't know what she was.
Sean: Do you know who Miss Choksondik is from South Park?
Jamie: I don't-- I don't watch South Park.
Dick: Okay. Anyway.
Sean: That's Janet Reno.
Dick: So I say to Coach, "You're done, man. You can't-- like your-- this friendship that we have here, it has six months to live and then you are done into Baby Land." Anybody who's ever had their friends or work place people get pregnant, it's six to nine months of talking about, not doing baby shit and then that's it. They get on a boat like at the end of Lord Of The Rings and they go to a mysterious land of hell, where it's the rest of their lives is consumed by bullshit with babies. So I say this to coach. And he goes, "Oh no. Well, what do you mean it takes a lot of like looking after to raise the kids? What do you mean? They throw themselves at things? They try to hurt themselves?
Sean: He just has no idea.
Dick: I said, yeah. And he goes, "Surely, you have to punish them at that."
Dick: Are you? Oh, fuck.
Dick: You believe-- how are you going to punish a 2-year old who's trying to-- what are you going to do, beat-- that's why Adrian Peterson is going to jail, right? Is that true that he's going-- like you can't punish them. They're not things. They don't have repercussions like you and I. They don't understand consequence.
Dick: How do you punish a suicide bomber?
Dick: What are you going to convert them to Islam? And then you got to put some god into them very fast so that they know the self harm that they're doing is wrong.
Dick: So he's pregnant. And then he says-- I said, "Well, do you know the sex of the baby? You know if it's a boy or a-- aw" [Laughs]
Dick: And he says, "No, I don't-- we don't want to know."
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: "We're doing a gender reveal party." I was like, "Oh, boy."
Sean: That's a friendship over.
Sean: Friendship over.
Dick: I say, "Well--"
Jamie: And he-- who's excited about that.
Dick: "Yeah. Your wife must really have your balls." And he goes, "No, that's my idea."
Sean: Oh okay.
Dick: Well, he's going to get out in front of it.
Sean: I don't--
Dick: That's why I couldn't-- I didn't even want to figure it out.
Sean: I don't know if he knows.
Dick: Like I'm just going to assume that you are like embracing this because so you don't have to feel like you got pressured into it. But there's no possible way that this was-- I don't believe you. You've disappeared. And the dad universe spit you out, whoever you are. And I realize that I'm stuck with you now forever. But that other guy who went into dimensions unknown, give him my regards because he was a good dude, who liked drinking, who didn't like doing gender reveal parties. He was a man who revered information. He wouldn't selectively-- he wouldn't elect to not have information. Okay?
Sean: We'll always have Chicago.
Dick: We'll always have-- that was the last-- that was the last hurrah for Coach.
Sean: Coach unleashed.
Dick: Invoicing me for 60 bucks.
Sean: You know what at this point, it seems like a bargain, doesn't it?
Dick: Yeah, it does. I paid 60 bucks to have it back.
Dick: For one more time childless drink. I would pay it.
Jamie: But what I don't understand is how he has this.
Dick: So when a man loves a woman--
Jamie: Thank you.
Dick: And then they will-- the man's-- is that what you didn't understand how this happened?
Jamie: That's not what I didn't understand. [Laughs].
Dick: Okay. What did you not understand?
Jamie: He loves information like you were saying. How does he not have information on children?
Dick: I don't know why anyone would not want to do that. Do you know anybody who elects not to get the gender of their kid?
Sean: I don't think so.
Dick: You say that in front of your wife and then afterwards you slipped the doctor 20 bucks. And like, "Hey, tell me-- just tell me if it's a girl. So I can prep my like-- so I can build--"
Sean: "So I prep the staircase." Oh.
Dick: [Laughs] that's a good thing . So I can write my Oscar like winning speech about how it doesn't matter to me. And I would be happy either way.
Dick: Like every guy goes, "Well, you know what, to be honest, I'd be happy either way." Okay, dude. Have fun with that. Let me see here. What else do I got? All right. I got some some stories that have made me rage this week. And then Lettuce Jones is calling in.
Dick: Yeah. I think MadCucks is--
Sean: Oh, that he's here.
Dick: Nick Rekeita.
Dick: Nick Rekeita is supposed to be calling in. He's doing some weird stuff.
Sean: He is?
Dick: Some real interesting weirdos of Google have gotten a hold of him, passing his video around.
Dick: He's really upset some of these-- some of the monsters, they have--
Sean: Good.Dick: -- under the bed over Google. Okay. I'll tell you what makes me rage. I'm going to start with this LAUSD thing. Let's just-- I'm going to say a friend of mine. A friend of mine interviewed at LAUSD. That's the Los Angeles school district. For those of you who don't know. Huge, huge school district, very-- absolutely terrible, very terrible at what they do. Countless scandals. But this is what happened to my friend. This is what happened to my friend when they went to interview there. So all the normal stuff. Here's my resume. All the normal stuff that you do with a job that everybody does. There's no surprises in interview. You might get a goofball windsurfing CEO that likes to walk and talk. Take you on a walk through the woods, right?
Sean: Right. Right.
Dick: You might get some interesting questions. What kind of animal would you like to be during an interview? Okay, you like to put your own special spin on this to make yourself feel like you have the magic touch of hiring people even though you don't.
Sean: You're in Santa Cruz--
Dick: You have no fucking idea.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, you're--
Dick: You hire five fire three. That's it. Nobody can figure it out because the people who are bad at their job are tremendous liars. That's how they survive. Instead of improving their skills, they just improve their PR and they're lying. So they keep getting hired but the people who can do the job, don't have time to learn how to lie and manipulate because they're building their skill sets. Right? No possible way to know who can do something or not. So listen in what they do in this interview. They've got all the normal stuff about teaching and then they've got a special time for these, all these young new bile young teachers to go in, prepare a lesson, pretend to teach it and have a gang of grown adult men, five or six of them acting like Jackass versions of eight to ten year olds, like it's their own special comedy hour. Sitting there--
Sean: To see how they deal with it.
Dick: Well, yeah. Putting on some voices, making fun of each other, asking-- raising their hands and wiggling them around like it's their-- their getting off on it. Like I've-- I know comedians and they're all-- like the improv comedians are-- they're all totally intolerable with their antics and their voices. This is-- it's a selection of five men who I assume are in power positions. They didn't pick these guys up off the street. These are the guys making their--
Sean: For their coffee shops.
Dick: -- fucking decision. Working on their tight comedy reel over and all day with young women. As these chicks come in, just wanting to teach, behaving like complete assholes until they make them cry.
Sean: Do they do it for men?
Dick: I don't know.
Dick: Probably. You know what? I wouldn't believe that was possible. If a guy came out and told me how those guys were acting while he was trying to do his dumb like pretend lesson or whatever it was--
Sean: You would go in for the interview.
Dick: There's no fucking way they act like that for guys. I guaran-fucking-tee you, they don't.
Sean: Well, I think you're right.
Dick: Because they're just all jacking off under the table while they're trying to stomp these thin, beautiful women that come in in droves because they have no other skill set. So you understand, they want to be teachers, right? They have no other choice. That's my point. They've got to be there. This is the only place they can work. And they've got them by their balls. The guys do. So upsetting to me because it makes--
Sean: So this is a regular part of interviewing for LAUSD?
Dick: This is every day. They get up, they kiss their wife or their husband goodbye for the morning. They pat their kids too long. They probably kiss their kids older than they should on the lips like a dad.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. A dad kisses his son on the lips.
Sean: 13. Yeah.
Dick: What the fuck is wrong? I would never-- there was never an age where I would want to be kissed by my dad, period. But on my lips, I would never get that out of my head. Do you know any dads who kiss their sons on the lips?
Sean: No. No.
Dick: Yeah. This is-- when we were selling that man formation show, you know that format show I talked about?
Dick: On a couple of bonus episodes ago, we sold it to Spike and we would meet with the original production team. They're the guys who did Deadliest Catch, like they're the house that produced Deadliest Catch.
Sean: Yeah. It's Thom Beers, right?
Dick: Yeah. We're having this meeting and I think it was-- I think I'm remembering this correctly. He's talking about kissing his son and he was like making a big deal about-- he was talking about how it's totally normal and how he kisses his son. It was no big deal. I was like, hmmm, this is really. I don't really know what to say to you. Are you asking me for a kiss? He was a really cool guy. But-- I always-- that's the only part of all of our interactions that I remember.
Sean: I'm sure.
Dick: Is that he talked about kissing his son on the lips
Jamie: I feel like I saw that on the Godfather though.
Sean: Yeah. That's the--
Dick: Because he's going to kill them.
Sean: That's his brother.
Dick: That's how it's got to be. If you're going to kill your brother, then you kiss him so that he doesn't-- he can't think straight to where the murders are coming from because he's just thinking about his brother's intimate smells and the feel of his lips. And he can't enjoy any more of his life. It's like a-- you don't say a-- "My brother, I'm going to kill you. So go live it up for the next 48 hours." You kiss him and say like, good luck. Good luck thinking about anything else but that kiss. So anyway, these guys, they're treating it like their own personal comedy time. It really fucking pissed me off because I know the second that they're done, they're like, "Okay, well we did a great job." That was really great play acting like a child.
Dick: -- today. We all did a great job. I can't wait to go cash this check and go home and not talk about this with my wife, making girls cry all day.
Sean: Do you think they have little meetings about it? About like how far to go and like, "Oh, it'd be really good if you came up with like this little aspect of it."
Dick: I fucking guarantee you it's how hot the chick is that's in there trying to do her lesson is how big of jackasses--
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then there's the-- right, the demon. The green demon.
Dick: The Green Demon that they talked about? Yeah. Who becomes you.
Sean: They turn into real assholes trying to one up each other, right?
Dick: Who gets so big that he takes up all of your insides.
Dick: Yeah. LAUSD man. There's no way to get them for it either. There's no way to get anybody for anything.
Sean: They do whatever they want.
Dick: I used to be of the persuasion that people are just doing their job and like they have to be doing what they're doing and they're just following store policy.
Sean: I think everybody's an activist now.
Dick: What does that mean? What do you mean by that?
Sean: I think part of it comes from just having their own agenda, making sure that the teachers can handle bullies, can handle whatever the social cause of the hour is.
Sean: And-- yeah and they do it and--
Dick: They're adding their own little spice.
Sean: That's right.
Dick: Yeah. They're proactively trying to-- they're performing their own little initiative in-house.
Dick: To improve the quality.
Dick: Well beyond the scope of their job. Maybe that's my new way to gauge it. If you're just doing exactly what the thing says, I've got--
Sean: You're not doing enough.
Dick: I've got no problems with you.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah.Dick: But the second you start adding your own little spice, it's like undercover cops. Like an undercover cop will go in and infiltrate. I knew this guy who was an undercover cop and he infiltrated this big criminal organization in L.A. It's like mob kind of -ish. It wasn't Italian. I forget what the race is.
Sean: There is a Los Angeles branch of the mafia. It's small, but it's still--
Dick: An Italian?
Sean: Yeah. It's still here. Yeah.
Dick: Are you in it?
Dick: Would you want to be in it?
Sean: Yeah, sure.
Dick: What if you had to whack off a guy?
Dick: Would you rather kill someone or whack somebody?
Sean: I'm married.
Dick: Yeah, yeah. And he went to the trial where they were sending all of the mafia guys up. And one of them saw and he's like, "Ricky, you were a cop the whole time?" He's like, "Yeah." It's like, "Ah all right." It's like--
Sean: "You got me."
Dick: "You got me fair and square."
Dick: You were doing your job. And yeah we probably were talking about things we should've been talking about, right?
Sean: Whacking off guys. Yeah
Dick: Talking about whacking off guys too much and their late night poker rooms getting too comfortable. That's my point. Is if you're just doing your job, it's fine. But the second you start adding your own little initiatives, God damn, the second you need something beyond what it explicitly says, you're not running your own little country in there. Little dictator. These little petty little dictators.
Jamie: As you were telling that story, I imagined the boss from the-- I can't remember the name of the show. But it was where the owners of companies would come in and watch out--
Dick: Undercover Boss?
Jamie: Yeah. And there was an episode where they were doing Hooters. And there was that guy who was really just giving the Hooters girls a hard time, a manager.
Dick: Oh, yeah because it was his own initiative.
Dick: Yeah. He's going to spice things up.
Jamie: Like making them jump through all these weird hoops and if-- like eating beans without their hands. And yeah, that's what that reminded me of.
Dick: Eating beans without their hands.
Jamie: Yeah. Like they had to put their hands behind their back.
Dick: Strangest phrases [inaudible] on the show.
Jamie: And another girl will hold their hair and they would eat beans out of one of the dish-- like those wooden dishes.
Dick: Like a trough, like a pig?
Jamie: Yeah. It was really weird.
Dick: Oh my God.
Jamie: He got fired because of that.
Dick: He shooked in his [inaudible].
Jamie: Yeah. Well, I'm sure he did too.
Dick: This is what happens when guys are-- this is why-- see, this is a different country that I'm talking about. This is the woman's country constantly dealing with these fuck balls. We're out to make them eat beans without their hands or act like-- or ridicule them like or act like a child until they cry. My men would never stand for that. Never.
Dick: I have to eat beans without my hands. Listen to me, if I'm going to walk out of here, if I don't get a text from you that I have a job in five minutes, I'm coming back through the front door on my fucking car, okay?
Dick: It's intolerable what they do.
Sean: Yeah.Dick: What these goddamn men do. These horny fucks. These horny fucks at the LAUSD. You know, LAUSD billed Blue at one point three billion an iPad. You ever hear about that one?
Jamie: [Whispers] What?
Dick: But this is what they do. They pretend to be kids and then they're going to spice up education. Spice it up. Rubber rooms. I got a bunch of LAUSD shit here. But I don't--
Sean: They have rubber rooms?
Dick: Yeah. They would-- if you got-- if you were a teacher and you were accused of something, you'd have to go sit in a rubber room all day downtown until your case got resolved doing literally nothing but going insane, like you're in solitary confinement.
Jamie: Isn't that what Larry was talking about?
Dick: Yeah. He was right.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: And he ended it but apparently they been do-- they were doing that for quite some time. Yeah. I mean they're just-- what's-- who wants to deal with that shit? That's all I'm saying. This is why they all had such a big chip on their shoulder, these teachers. This is what they're-- they're putting up with these guys, running school districts like they're in fucking Braveheart.
Sean: And who just really like exist to get certain people elected in the state of California.
Sean: I mean that's--
Jamie: And I think any role playing type thing in an interview process--
Dick: It's sick and weird.
Jamie: It feels very dehumanizing to me.
Jamie: And I hate every single time I do it.
Dick: It's just-- it's not.
Sean: What have you had to do?
Dick: It's not professional.
Jamie: Personal training, like getting a personal training job. I've had to do that a couple of times.
Dick: And they've acted like the client.
Dick: And you have to like pretend to act like their personal trainer?
Jamie: Mm-hmm or any kind of like sales because I did membership sales before.
Dick: Which kind of tell from speaking with you whether you know the-- whatever it is that--
Jamie: And it's not like you're ever going to get an accurate representation of how you're actually going to do this.
Dick: You just got to go, "Excuse me, are you Anthony Hopkins? Do you have like a bunch of Oscars for acting that I don't know about shoved up your ass, you stupid motherfucker. What are you possibly going to-- go ahead. Act something out for me. Give me the Hamlet speech about an outrageous fortune before I submit myself to this sick roleplay fantasy, this sick power fantasy that you have. Let's hear it. Give me-- show me that you can act first." All right. We had time for-- Oh, check this out. Check out this studio gun that I got.
Dick: Caleb Zlotnick. You remember the guy at Road Rage L.A. that was screaming about giving away free guns and really disrupting the show?
Sean: There it is.
Dick: Here is the gun. I took him up on his offer. Nice, 12 gauge shotgun if you're not watching the video of patreon.com/dickshow. It's a 12 gauge shotgun with a handle that's been replaced the shoulder, but has been replaced by just a--
Sean: It's like a pistol grip.
Dick: Is that a pistol grip? Is that what this is? I always think like a pistol grip straight up and down.
Sean: Well, I mean it's not a-- yeah. But--
Dick: But, oh my god. This is very-- it's barely legal.
Dick and Sean: Barely legal.
Dick: Right? That wasn't a very cock. I think get a better one.[Laughter]
Dick: It's all done.
Jamie: Just edit that.
Dick: Edit, Sean. Edit. Let me get a good cock--
Sean: Wait, wait, wait.
Dick: Okay, there.
Dick: My fingers were slippery.
Dick: That's why it's not a good self-defense weapon because a guy is going to break in and I'm going to go, "Oh, hold up."
Sean: Sweaty palms. Hang on.
Jamie: But you were speaking when you did this, maybe you should just take a breath, then do it.
Dick: [Takes a deep breath] [Cocks gun] Still not good.
Dick: Oh, man. Whatever. Can you put in a cool gun sound effects? [Inaudible].
Sean: I've got lots of those. Yeah
Dick: I guess, there's something at gunsmith.
Jamie: You can use the one that I did from the-- what is it-- the dictation episode. That one was good.
Dick: Yeah. That one was good.
Sean: Yeah. But you can't put a sound effect in this podcast.
Dick: I really fucking hate those guys at LAUSD. I can't stop thinking about it. Like I want to find them. I want to find them on the street. I want to abduct all of them and tie them up, put them in my basement down here and just make them act like ten year olds until I'm satisfied. You know, like the gamp, like the full on pulp fiction type of ten year olds who don't like sodomy.
Sean: Yeah. And I'm going to hack that.
Dick: A guy in a gimp suit--
Sean: Well, good acting.
Dick: -- with a strap on-- with five strap ons and say, "Hey, guess what? This guy likes-- this guy is the dean of studies at my school and now I'm going to teach you guys a lesson and I want to see the best ten year old acting you got in you or you're getting fucked or school's out and you don't want to-- and school's out. This is your guardian, like a real elaborate and demented fantasies that I have that they're-- because they don't have to do anything. All they had to do is sit down and shut the fuck up and listen to what somebody's what actually worked on. Have you worked on these tenure of these jokes that you've got, you piece of shit? You fat fuck. All right. Let me see here. I get-- you want to hear a song? I'm kind of worked up.
Sean: Yeah. Let's hear a song.
Jamie: So now we know what you're going to do with the crawl space.
Dick: Yeah. I'm going to object LAUSD people and put them in there and make them-- and act their own sick fantasies. It's going to be-- and you know what? It's going to be the only guy acquitted of like who's in prison, someone-- it's going to be like Ariel Castro but he just-- you can't convict him because he only does this to fuckheads like he has-- he's like jigsaw and he goes-- he talks about it and then does it and every-- he gets released a thunderous applause from people.
Sean: Like the real Dexter.
Dick: Except I want them to live with it, forever, with the scars of what they've done to themselves. I didn't do it. Alright. Thank you, son[laughter]
Sean: Yes, we have a growling labrador in the---[laughter]
Dick: She's very comfortable over there.[chuckle]
Dick: Oh you wanna hear an Elliott Smith parody?
Dick: From M. I think this is from MC MC.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: It's just a little bit. Just something to lighten the mood.
Sean: Oh, yeah. Elliott Smith always lightens the mood.[laughter]
Dick: He is feel good. [Laughter] He is feel good man. MC MC featuring Kendall and Hyde. This guy's everywhere.
Sean: That guy's fucking hilarious.[music playing]
Dick: I'm gonna do my radio DJ voice. Hey everybody welcome to WDIZ you're listening to Dick Show. If you want tickets to Road Rage: Portland you gotta check them out. I think they're currently sold out. Peach Saliva is gonna be there, MadCucks is gonna be there, Sean the audio engineer is gonna be there, Lacy's gonna be doing-- be there. We're gonna be doing a singled out dating event. Enjoy. This is the Dick Show. Damn it, damn it, damn it.[laughter]
Dick: I thought he's-- He's blowing his wad too early.This has been the Dick Show part of the See You Next Tuesday network. See you next Tuesday.[laughter]
Dick: And also--[music playing] [singing] And now I'm the cock that Mark takes around town. [laughter]
Dick: He sounds just like him.
Sean: I know.
Jamie: Who is this supposed to be?
Sean: It's Elliot
Dick: It's Elliott Smith.
Jamie: Ohh[music playing]
Dick: I thought that would be MattSo I'll just keep on loving Sean and [inaudible]
Sean: Oh boy. Okay, Very good.[laughter]
Dick: Ohh okay. Hold on. Can you fade that out? Asterios says he's here to talk about Steven Universe. Okay. We are doing a Lacy's singled out thing.
Dick: In Portland.
Sean: He's here to talk about--
Dick: Steven Universe.
Sean: Steven Universe but not about the podcast he was on?
Dick: Yeah, Asterios.[laughter]
Dick: Asterios. So you know how to talk about Steven Universe?
Asterios: Yeah. You've texted me and said to call about Steven Universe.
Dick: Yeah. What did you think about the stuff Oddguy was saying last week? Pretty accurate. About Steven Universe being a weird and depraved show.
Asterios: Look, I happen to disagree with it. Steven Universe is like a fun kids cartoon that is great for the whole family but what was your problem with the cartoon?
Dick: That there's weird people combining genders and that all the gems are like a strange feminine dominant polyamorous living situation with a weird little boy.
Asterios: I think you're digging in too deep into that. Think about the G.I. Joe complex. There's a bunch of dudes there and then Lady Jaye is there. Does that make it a weird masculine living complex?
Asterios: I don't think so.
Dick: And that's cool. I'm comfortable with that. I don't like the reverse. I don't want the smurfs with a hundred chick smurfs and then one Handy getting worked and nagged to death. [chuckle] I wanna see it the correct way, with a hundred Smurfs and one Smurfette.
Sean: What do you mean by Handy?
Dick: 'Cause Handy is the only smurf that could do anything.
Sean: No, I mean, yeah. No, it's true.
Asterios: Okay, well first off Papa Smurf could do magic but obviously, Brainy Smurf's very intelligent. I guess I would just focus on it makes you uncomfortable and that's okay. Society is moving forward and guys like you, yet. Look, you're probably gonna feel uncomfortable until the day you die with the changes to come in society. Yeah, women can be in charge.[laughter]
Dick: And they're always-- They're doing erotic dancing for each other in Steven Universe. The moms are and then they jump into each other's pussies.
Sean: Is that true?
Dick: I swear to God this is the show.
Sean: Wait, wait, wait.
Dick: I swear to God.
Asterios: I don't think that's the best term buddy.
Sean: jumping into each other's pussy?[laughter]
Dick: On Steven Universe when...
Asterios: Was that a little-
Dick: ... they do their Voltron thing. When Voltron combines. Okay, Steven Universe does that and the moms, they do this erotic ass jiggling dance and then they jump into each other's pussies.[laughter]
Dick: In the cartoon and then they turn into more monsters that could nag even harder with characteristics of both. Asterios you know what I'm talking about.
Asterios: Well,I mean, I think that that's a gross over exaggeration to have in a cartoon.
Dick: Stop it, no.
Jamie: No, it's not.
Dick: No, it's not.
Jamie: She opened her legs!
Dick: Right into the pussy! She took another gem.
Jamie: And as soon as her legs opened, they jumped in.[laughter]
Asterios: I don't know. I don't know.
Sean: I need to see this.
Jamie: I've never been so put off by a kids TV show in my whole life. It was fucked![laughter]
Asterios: Okay well, I don't know what kind of depraved internet tumbler stuff you guys are looking at and yeah some of these tumbler kids take it a little bit too far with this fun kids cartoon.
Dick: No, it's on the show.
Jamie: It was on the cartoon.
Dick: It was on the show.[Laughter]
Dick: G.I. Joe never jumped on each other's assholes, that I remember. There was no G.I. Joe with that. Sgt. Slaughter never jumped inside Destro's pussy during an episode of G.I. Joe. Ship Wreck was a little you know,[laughter]
Jamie: It was so blatant and I wasn't expecting it.[laughter]
Jamie: I brought my hands up to my face and--[laughter]
Dick: Jaime fainted. She fell on the ground. She fainted it just showed--
Asterios: Look, if there's a snowflake there, the kind they can't handle in a kids cartoon[laughter]
Asterios: that comes on every day at 3:00 that's totally cool. I get that you conservative snowflakes kinda[Laughter]
Asterios: This is different from when I was a kid. I wish everything was the same when I was a kid. I need my Member Berries. That's fine. But look, I will say this, on G.I. Joe they definitely had vehicles that turned into a much larger vehicle. The power rangers combine to make a much bigger robot. We have Voltron guys combine to make cool robots, it's the same thing.
Sean: Is that a dick metaphor?
Dick: Yeah, but they didn't have to do erotic dancing and jumping into each other's pussies to do it. That's what I don't--
Sean: No, really. [inaudible]
Asterios: I'm going to agree that there is erotic dancing in [inaudible] Whatever weird, deviant art gift you guys are looking at [inaudible]
Dick: It's not, it's the show. It's the actual show.
Asterios: Nothing. it's just a cartoon.
Sean: Asterios, have you seen the show? Well, you've seen the show but have you seen most every episode?
Asterios: Oh look, I've seen a lot of episodes of Steven Universe.
Asterios: I know that there--
Sean: Is there pussy jumping?[laughter]
Asterios: There's really not any pussy jumping, no.
Asterios: These girls do like to dance around and have fun dancing. You know who else likes dancing? Girls. So why are there live shows like Fame. There are shows like dirty-- Movies like Dirty Dancing, movies like Flashdance.
Dick: That's dirty dancing alright. This is the dirtiest dancing you've ever seen Sean on these cartoons.
Asterios: Okay, well look, if what you're saying is true and there is hot gem chicks doing cool dances on TV, I would think that you would be in favor of girls dancing around. But it's just a fun cartoon for fun kids.[laughter]
Asterios: Literally, Dick you haven't explained a single thing that is wrong with this cartoon. There are some girls dancing around and they turn into a bigger thing. Big whoops. There's a cute little boy on it who doesn't want anyone to fight.[laughter]
Sean: Cute Boy...
Asterios: Maybe this cute little boy just doesn't like conflicts and he just wants to protect all his friends all the time and maybe sometimes there are little boys with curly black hair who just want everything to be nice and just want everything to be fun and I don't see what the problem with that-- I don't know why you would have to attack a cartoon just about a boy who wants his friends to stop fighting and all get along.[laughter]
Dick: Okay, I get it. I get it now. You got anything that makes you rage?
Asterios: I gotta go. Yeah, when people make fun of my favorite cartoon. I'll talk to you guys later!
Dick: Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye. I didn't get to ask him if we could play that audio.
Jamie: I guess puking makes him rage.
Dick: Let's see. Lettuce Jones is on. I got some more songs. God, I really wanted to tell this story about my sister's little league but I guess I'll wait 'til next week to talk about that. It took up too much time talking about schools. Alright TDS' Fox says she was talking about the bonus episode too. I'll do you one better, and she had a waitress the other day. I was talking about doing those surveys the companies ask you to do. No payment. I'll do you one better. I had a waitress the other day who instead of simply taking our cards, handed my table an iPad with the card reader and then walked away. She had to each to go through and select what we bought to construct our orders and then pay ourselves. I paid money to do her job for her. There was a stupid survey at the end of that one too. Those things really drive me insane. There's a handsome Dick on Twitter, have you seen that? You just post a handsomified versions of me.
Sean: Yeah, I heard about it. I haven't seen them.
Dick: It's really unsettling seeing these pictures of yourselves running through like a handsome filter.
Sean: Oh, it's through a filter.
Dick: Yeah. it's like an app that just makes you feel like shit for the rest of your life. Well, you could never look like that so I guess--[laughter]
Sean: Guess I could just watch Steven Universe and call it a day.
Dick: Yeah, I guess I'm just gonna go back to bed.
Jamie: It is depressing.
Dick: It's really depressing.
Jamie: That's the same app that I got in trouble for posting, turning yourself into different nationalities.
Dick: Oh Really?
Jamie: I think so, yeah.
Dick: Did you see what you look like as a black guy or as a Chinese guy.
Jamie: I got in big trouble.[laughter]
Dick: I had an app for turning you into a Chinese guy when I was a kid. We would just go and do that.[laughter]
Dick: It was a rhyme. You told the rhyme and then you would turn into a Japanese guy or a Chinese guy. I don't know if you've heard it. something about dirty knees.[laughter]
Dick: Remember that one?
Dick: And [inaudible].
Sean: As a matter of fact.
Dick: Yeah, you just say that and then you turn-- you see what you look like.
Jamie: Look at me as--
Sean: Yeah. Back in the analogue days,
Dick: Alright we've got another caller calling in after the Asterios who wants to talk after Asterios's call.
Dick: Yeah. Are you there?
NegAsterios: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, how, what. Hey, yeah. Can you hear me, Dick?
Dick: Yeah. Who is this?
NegAsterios: I'm negative Asterios. I'm Asterios from another universe. The universe with Jeff rolled in one.
Dick: Who's Jeff?
NegAsterios: It's a reference. Millenials will get it.
NegAsterios: It's not important. Let's get on to the bits.
Sean: Okay, what do you got for us Neg Asterios. Wait, are you a reverse of Asterios?
NegAsterios: Well, I'm from an alternate universe where everything is the opposite. Where Hilary Clinton won the election. Where Asterios in your universe is a liberal cock. But in my universe, I'm a super liberal cock.[laughter]
Dick: Great. Okay.
NegAsterios: The only thing that's the same about this dark universe is that MadCucks is a big cock there too.
Dick: Okay. This universe sounds very similar to ours. Not really negative.
NegAsterios: Everybody has goatees.
Dick: Okay. What's Sean like?
NegAsterios: He's still super handsome.
Dick: Sounds like the same universe.
NegAsterios: No, this is a different universe.[laughter]
NegAsterios: In this universe, damn it, Dick. In this universe, I could talk about the lawsuits so let's just-- come on. I got the games.
Dick: Okay. Thank God. Okay, so this is a version of Asterios who can talk about the lawsuit. Alright, what do you got to say Neg Asterios?
NegAsterios: Well first, I wanna play a game.
Dick: Alright. It better not be [inaudible] game.
Sean: Oh no...
NegAsterios: It's called where in the world is Asterios coke in his nose.
Dick: [Laughter] okay.
NegAsterios: So here, are your options: In the outback, crocodile dun dude has been seen turning V-necks into Ws, Down in the Bayou, Adam Panache has been seen making a [Inaudible] Delicious jambalaya. At the north pole, Santa was caught packing his slay to bring little toys to all the good little [Inaudible] And in L.A underneath the mountain bonker is the enigma, where is the true Asterious?
Dick: Ammm, well he's not here. I don't think he'd be in Austraila, I'm gonna go with-- he's gotta be at the north pole, wait it's the south pole that has Santa [Inaudible] because he's the opposite.
NegAsterios:Oh, oh, sorry. In the mirror universe, Santa [inaudible] lives at the north pole.
Dick: Okay, alright. I'm going to guess the north pole then. Anybody else-?
NegAsterios: Sorry, that's incorrect. He's actually at patreon.com/Asterios .
Dick: Neg Asterios this time tho.
Sean: that's also the same as this universe. There is a lot of similarities not many negatives in the Neg Asterios Universe.
NegAsterios: Alright, you ready for your second question?[laughter]
NegAsterios: In the universe, what is Asterios going to seal? A) An iTunes feed. b) Some fans? c) The credit or D) All of the skrilla?
Dick: Oh gosh, well the negative universe, I'd think Asterios should be motivated by money, so let's go with money, except in this negative universe it's very similar to this one.
Jamie: I'll go with Credit.
Dick: Credit? Alright. Sean any guesses?
Sean: Ahh, Y?
Dick: Yeah, Y okay. What's the answer?
NegAsterios: Nothing! He's not a shifty fuck like Madduck stealing shit.
NegAsterios: Come on guys, come on!
Dick: I see, I see.
NegAsterios: I've got one last question.
NegAsterios: Using a trail of invoices, which one is Asterios? A) Some airport yokers B) [inaudible] Shampoo C) An expensive legal bill or D) A bill from a costume shop.
Dick: All the above, I know it's all of the above.
NegAsterios: All of the above! That is correct!
Dick: Yeah, alright good, thank you Neg Asterios. So wait, can I play the audio the someone sent of you throwing up on their podcast Neg Asterios?
NegAsterios: Gotta go bye!![Laughter]
Dick: He's exactly the same.
Dick: He's exactly the same as the regular Asterios.
Jamie: That's like Max Asterios.
Sean: Yeah, not Neg Asterios.
Jamie: Neg Asterios is from Texas.
Dick: Yeah, Neg Asterios should be from Texas,
Jamie: Yeah, having Guns and pride.
Dick: Having guns, yeah, he'd be very right wing, he'd be a strict constitutionalist, he'd be my life coach, that's Neg Asterios. Hey, Lettuce are you there?
Lettuce: Yeah, can you hear me?
Dick: Hey, Much better! How are you doing man? It's been a while.
Lettuce: Pretty good, doing good.
Dick: You've been to jail and now you're back out, right?
Lettuce: Yes, back out since July, off house arrest since December.
Dick: So you're totally free?
Lettuce: Totally, well no. 4 years probation still.
Dick: So you can't kick anyone's ass for 4 years?
Dick: So you can't kick anyone's ass for 4 years?
Lettuce: Yeah, not unless they want to give me a written consent form.[Laughter]
Dick: I thought [Inaudible] that.
Lettuce: I've got good news and bad news alright?
Lettuce: Goods new - My movie script that I wrote in jail is now available at Patreon.com/LettuceJones.
Lettuce: For $1, For $1 you can read this amazing script written with a golf pencil in jail cell, and all the voicemails that were missed, I put all the voicemails up there too. A lot of them were disappointing, a lot of the quality got fucked up but whatever, those are there as a bonus.
Dick: Whoever you put in charge of getting your voicemails to me, they really fucked up. It was like 3 months until I got one Zip file with 100 Lettuce voicemails. How the fuck, how do I start playing these? Who did you put in charge of getting your voicemails to me?
Lettuce: I won't say.
Dick: Because snitches get stitches? That's why.
Lettuce: I don't want people to be giving Madchuck and the top gay any shit. I think they did great, I think they did just fine.
Lettuce: They weren't getting paid.
Dick: That's true.
Lettuce: So, Patreon.com/LettuceJones. I want that to be the new meme, Asterios, that's the old meme. So, the bad new though--.
Dick: Wait, what's your script about?
Sean: Yeah, you've got to tease it a little.
Lettuce: My script, it's a Syfy it combines Islamic terrorism with kind of a Syfy space theme.
Dick: Space terrorist?
Dick: [Laughs] Fun for the whole family.
Lettuce: I don't think space terrorist have ever been done before.
Dick: Space terrorist?
Sean: [Laughs] I guess not.
Dick: What do they use instead of suicide bombing?
Lettuce: Just the usual, [inaudible] like future bombs instead of regular bombs that we have nowadays.[Laughs]
Dirk: Is there a space Mohammed?
Lettuce: Yes, well not necessarily a space Mohammed but actually all of the characters are named Mohammed. All of the terrorists are.
Dirk: [laughs] How long is this script?
Lettuce: It's about 25pages. Short and sweet. If I made the movie for real, I would throw the script out and do whatever feels right.
Dick: Yeah, how all great art is made.
Lettuce: I think it's a really good script. Very fun read.
Dick: Can I get randy to read it? And then give his comments on it?
Lettuce: Oh, please do.
Dick: Oh, perfect, perfect. We'll see if it's better than Denzel's script.
Lettuce: Okay, oh yeah. So Dick, Dick, Dick, that's what I'm talking about. Denzel's script, my script, where's the blackout? Whatever happened to the blackout?
Dick: Yeah, I gotta write that. The Blackout-
Lettuce: You really do, because my whole plan was too, when I got out of jail, we were going to compare the scripts.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, Lettuce, I had a lot of stuff to do. I don't just have time to widdle away, you know, I got lots of Twitch to watch.
Lettuce: I know what you mean.
Dick: The time just flew by for me, it was like nothing.
Lettuce: Well, the lawsuit doesn't make it any easier either.
Dick: How was jail? What happened in jail?
Lettuce: It was really boring, pretty miserable but I'm out now so,
Dick: What was the worst stuff you saw in there? What's the key to surviving? What was the get to getting through it for you?
Lettuce: Just don't be a little weirdo, just go with the flow, most people there, they're dealing with everything just like you are. Saint Louis county ain't to bad honestly. I hear city jail is way, way worst.
Jamie: Did you get any special gifts from Dickheads besides books?
Lettuce: No, I only got books.
Dick: What was your favorite book?
Lettuce: The books I got were great.
Dick: What was your favorite book that you got in there?
Lettuce: Outliers, well other than Men are better than Women.
Sean: Thank you.
Lettuce: I think that voice mail got deleted or something but just to let you know I donated that book to the jail.
Lettuce: Now, you have a copy of Men are better than Women purchased by Dick himself to spread all of your manly values.
Dick: I should send those to more jails.
Sean: Did you autograph it?
Dick: No, you have to send it from Amazon. Otherwise, you'd be able to sneak in like a file or some lube or something like that.
Lettuce: I signed it too. To anyone who is listening from the Saint Louis County jail be on the lookout, there is a signed copy of Men are better than Women in there. Signed by Lettuce Jones.
Dick: I have this, I don't think it's an irrational fear of going to jail or going to prison, I've had it my whole life, I don't know why I'm just a 100% sure I'm going to end up in jail or prison so I'm trying to live it up while I can. But what was the worst thing you saw in there? Was there ever a moment when you were like "Oh fuck"?
Lettuce: I guess the worst thing I saw, they were a decent amount of fights but mostly the fights were entertaining, I was the guy in the crowd cheering them on, but there was this one fight that was pretty brutal, it was like blood on the floor and stuff but it wasn't really that bad.
Dick: What would they fight over?
Lettuce: I never knew, that's the thing about all the fights and all the grievances in jail, no one ever knows what anyone is mad at each other for and it just goes on, it just never fucking ends, so there are a lot of shit talkers, there are a lot of guys that have problems with each other but I'd say only 1 out of 10 times, it ends up in a fight.
Dick: [laughs] That's a lot. In the real world, that's like one in a million.
Lettuce: Right, right, in jail it's a little different.
Dick: Oh wow. So what were you going to say about your bad news?
Lettuce: So I wish that this was a joke but it looks like me and you have something in common because I'm getting sued for $75000.
Everyone: No! Why?
Lettuce: Yeah, the defendant is bringing a civil case against me.
Sean: So you just went to jail for...
Dick: Yeah, that was the criminal penalty.
Sean: ... attacking this dude and now he's suing you for $75000? That's a hell of an ass whipping.
Lettuce: Yeah, how's that for irony because you should have just beat Maddicks up. It would have only cost you 75. But you made fun of him on the internet and that's what? Half a Billion? You fucked up Dick.
Dick: Yeah, I did fuck up! You know what? Everybody's lawyer fees are probably more than $75000. I could have sent out a collection plate. Patreon, Webber, Me, Asterios. Everybody give me $15000 and I'll go kick Maddicks's ass and we'll settle this whole thing and I'll just pay it out as a check. No big deal, no we're stuck paying layers, they are not having any fun with it.
Sean: It's like what sonny does after he breaks the guy's camera in the God Father. When he just fucking throws it down and starts peeling off bills like here you go. It's done.Dick Man, I would be more worries about a $75000 lawsuit than a half a billion one.
Lettuce: Yeah well, especially because it's not a bullshit lawsuit either.
Dick: How did they come to that figure? What the hell did you do to this guy?
Sean: Well, insurance companies and stuff, you know how they...
Lettuce: Of course he is asking for more than what he thinks he's going to get, I was talking a little bit to the Dick show lawyer and he was saying generally it's like 3times medical bills and I don't know, we'll just see. Anyhow, I just wanted to let the fans know Patreon.Com/LettuceJones. We got quality content, you can give as much as you want.
Dick: Do you have the actual script that you wrote with the golf pencil?Lettuce: Oh yeah, and I didn't even type it up, I scanned it to give you that authentic feel.
Dick: Alright, we're gonna need to get that typed up. I'm going to give Lettuce the script type and get it over to Randy. I can't wait to see the notes, Randy has back on this thing. Are you the main character in your script?
Lettuce: Oh, no. Totally new characters.
Dick: Lettuce Jones? Is it like Cabbage Cranston.
Lettuce: No, no, none of that. It's totally fictional, there is none of me in there.
Dick: Okay, what's the thing you missed most when you were in jail? Now that you're back in the real world.
Lettuce: Oh, it's the food man, I'll tell you what. It's not until you go to jail that you realize how good you have it with food.
Dick: Yeah, it's true.
Lettuce: We're out here, we're throwing away food that I'd kill for.
Dick: In jail, oh man. I would think you'd say pussy but then but I think about it like, I eat three times a day.
Lettuce: It's the thing like you never ever think about until you're in jail being forced to eat shitty food all the time. You never realize how much you loved it. How much you loved it more than anything in the world. It's like drowning and realizing man I really fucking loved air.
Dick: It does cost you money, food. Like pussy cost you money and a piece of your soul usually.
Lettuce: Right, right.
Dick: Food you just got to exchange money for. What was your-- I don't know, do you have any jail questions, Sean? I want to know the whole experience of being in fucking jail. What did you do for work while you were in there?
Lettuce: You worked in the kitchen and it was a total rip off. Don't even get me started on that whole thing but I think I said it in one of the voicemails you know, its like they tell you got to work in the kitchen and then if you get fired, then they add 3 months but if you never work in the kitchen, to begin with then you don't get those months but if you do get fired you're screwed because you have to go back to the kitchen to get the 3 months off, it's a whole thing, it's a fucking disaster.
Dick: It sounds like a game you don't know the rules to and if you fuck up it cost you time.
Lettuce: Yeah, well it's just their way of getting free labour because they know no one will ever do that shit otherwisem so they need to threaten you and they need to confuse you into thinking that you have to do it even though maybe you don't really have to do it but once you do it, then you do have to do it. It's horrible.
Dick: I'm confused just listening to it. So they trick these guys into working in the kitchen for free in jail? Were there any guards that were just total cock suckers and everyone hated?
Lettuce: Oh yeah, most of them, but then there are the couple guys who are really good.
Dick: What would the asshole guys do?
Lettuce: They would just lock down the entire pod every single night, they would be like you guys are too loud and keep it quiet and if they hear one little peep and everyone gets locked down. You know, power tripping pricks.
Dick: Power tripping pricks, yeah. What was your first night like in jail?
Lettuce: Oh my first night was nice, man.
Jamie: You didn't cry?
Lettuce: I slept good.
Dick: Did you cry at all?
Lettuce: [inaudible] I went in on a bunch on Xanax.[Laughs]
Jamie: Good Job.
Lettuce: But then after that, you can't sleep at all.
Dick: I got to take me enough Xanax to last me 9months.
Lettuce: That's what I did, right before you go up to the judge, you're not very nervous but then by the time you get to bed, you're passed out sleeping like a baby.
Dick: Oh, so you went into court on Xanax because that's the last thing you do before you go in.
Lettuce: I would never say that.
Dick: Oh, right, right, I would do that.
Lettuce: I probably should have.
Jamie: Did you cry at all while you were in jail?
Lettuce: Did I cry?
Dick: This is Jamie Lynn who you're talking too.
Lettuce: Yeah I cried while I was thinking about--- when I watched all these commercials for like all these deals like 4 dollar deals and McDonalds and Hardys and all this shit.[Laughter]
Sean: Did you have to share a cell with somebody?
Lettuce: Oh yeah, when you first go in, you share a cell and then you go up to the CO and say, put me on the list for a single cell if you want to. Some of the guys in there, they hated the single cell, I personally liked it.
Dick: What the hell.They hated the single cell? Why?
Lettuce: I don't know man, some of the guys they get lonely, they would rather have someone to talk to then to have personal space.
Dick: Is it like talk to like when you're talking to a chick, like are they trying to get intimate with the-
Lettuce: [Laughs] No.
Lettuce: No nothing like that. Nothing like that Dick.
Dick: What was the Intimacy like?
Jamie: [laughing] No, let's not talk about that, no nothing like that Dick.
Dick: That's what we want to know about.
Sean: What was the Steven Universe.
Dick: Yeah, what was the sex, was there anyone jumping into each other's pussies and forming a super prisoner while you were in there?
Lettuce: No, no, none of that. It's just county, you got to remember that in jail, everyone is there for what?
Jamie: He sounds a little defensive.
Lettuce: Maybe a year or so.
Dick: Oh, I see.
Lettuce: All the big stuff tends to happen in prison.
Dick: Oh, because they know that they are never getting out. They are in there for decades.
Dick: Alright man. Well, I'm glad that you're out.
Lettuce: Yeah, me too.
Dick: This lawsuit is terrible though, it never ends for poor Lettuce.
Lettuce: Anyway, another thing, Dickles, I'm taking Dickels, go to twitter I just posted my Dickel address. Dickle, BitCoin, LitCoin. I'm all about Crypto, I bought my first BitCoin for $30 back in the day. Actually, funny story, when I got out of jail, I bought my car with Bitcoin. Cause I had bought some Bitcoin, and I had some DoseCoin and LitCoin from years ago that I still had and I sold it all and got out of jail and bought a car.
Jamie: What kind of car?
Lettuce: A shitty Nissan Centra
Dick: Smart. It's good thinking.
Lettuce: Better than nothing. I just wish I had waited a couple months to sell.
Dick: Oh yeah, what did you sell at?
Lettuce: I sold them when BitCoin was at about like $2500.
Dick: Oh yeah, you could have made 10x the amount of money.
Lettuce: I know dude. I know!
Dick: That sucks, alright. What makes you rage man?
Lettuce: What makes me rage is you know those clocks where like that every hour they make a noise?
Lettuce: Like the bird ones?
Dick: Cuckoo clock?
Lettuce: My P.O has one that is a Harley Davidson clock so when it hits the hour it makes noises like "Vroom Vroom Vroom". Fucking stupid.[laughs]
Sean: Pretty annoying.
Jamie: I had a corvette one just like that
Dick: And it made Vroom sounds?
Lettuce: Oh, God.
Jamie: Oh yeah.
Dick: And nobody smashed it? Or killed you or anything like that?
Jamie: No, it was in my room as a teenager, my best friend got it for me.
Dick: Would you think about it every hour like oh man awesome, I'm glad that I was reminded about Corvettes.
Jamies: Yeah, I love Corvettes.
Sean: It should have like pooped out and a middle age bald guy get out of the car. [inaudible] get in Corvette, ride around with like a little hat on. like a shriner.
Dick: Alright thanks, Lettuce.
Lettuce: Alright thank you, Dick.
Dick: I'm going to check out your script.
Lettuce: Yeah. Patreon.com/LettuceJones
Dick: / Lettuce Jones. There you go.
Sean: There he goes.
Dick: Come on, you sent him to prison, now you need some money?
Sean: Yeah, I didn't even think about that.
Dick: You couldn't get some money upfront and maybe keep the guy out of jail? Goddamn it.
Sean: Yeah, that's a thing and in a lot of instances, there is a criminal and then a Civil trial.
Dick: Yeah, like OJ. Oh man, they really nailed him on the second one, 50 million dollars or something like that. You ever had any clocks that made noise on the hour Sean?
Sean: I remember we had one that was never wound up when I was a kid, a cuckoo clock but no I never bought a clock that-
Dick: I liked those Chimes that my grandparents had, they had those big old clocks that would make those soothing chimes every hour. So nice. A mechanically produced Harley Davidson sound? no. That's going to be a no. That's going to be a big no. I've got a bit that I'm going to play. I'll play another song.
Dick: The song is called Cuckman.
Sean: Oh, God.[Laughter]
Dick: Rob John sent in this song called Cuckman.
Sean: Wow.[Music Playing] [Laughter]
Dick: This is the part I wanted to hear. Oh, right, wonderful. Absolutely wonderful, you can see more on the site, hear more on the site. Oh fuck, I should have played-- I have also got a "Cucksum" prison blues song.
Sean: Oh, wow!
Dick: That someone sent it. A "cuckled" prison blues, excuse me by Ethan Cantera. I should have played that one when Lettuce was on. Let's talk to Nick first. Hey, Nick what's going on man.
Nick: Hey, not much buddy. How's it going?
Dick: Good, good. Very good, I've been watching your videos, I really loved them.
Sean: Me too.
Dick: It's a great party video.
Nick: Thanks, guys.
Dick: Nick will read one sentence and then go off on a tangent that takes about 45 minutes.
Nick: Yeah, I hope you booked out the rest of your afternoon for my calling.
Dick: Oh, yeah. So recently Nick has been going over the Demore google lawsuit. The Google lawsuit. James Demora wrote this, he wrote a very odd-- it's a very odd document after having listened to Nick go through it, like the points that he makes about women and men in tech and why there are no women in tech. I think it's odd because there is like a zillion reasons why and we all fucking know them.except for the people that are trying to make money by selling the idea that this could be changed in any way. Women are not going to be in code, that's it. So it's like 95% of crypto is men, also 100% of the shit-- 95% of the shit that it gets taken apart in your house is going to be by a little boy, there's a zillion reasons why it's like this. So Demore writes this document that will obviously get him fired. Everybody except this poor bastard is a Google engineer like he doesn't know-- these people don't know things that we know that we take for granted.
Sean: You mean like, "Don't say that, there's no need."
Dick: Yes, there's no need, you don't understand all of what you're talking about and you are not a writer so don't even try. Don't try and these are insane things.
Sean: It's only going to go one way for you.
Dick: It's only going to go, you're only going to get fired. You're not changing anybody's mind, right?
Dick: And Nick, I will tell you this, this is reminding me of what kind of a weird place Google is. I've got one story about Google just to illustrate how much of a very bizarre place Google is to work for that explains why these people internally are getting freaked out by Nick's videos.
Dick: It's just, Sonny what are you doing?
Sean: No, that was Nick I think.
Dick: No,no. no, not the typing.
Dick: She's just pestering everybody so. So Google tries to do anything to become like people's parent and guardian. Like they get haircut machines. They get a haircut truck to show up once a week. They take take care of all of your food for you. Like they literally do-- they go-- Google the company goes so far beyond what is appropriate for a company to do to spend money on you. They turned everybody who works there in my opinion into this weird like Star Trekian sexless cog in a --
Sean: It makes perfect sense, actually.
Dick: -- in like very own universe. Like it's like working there, their corporate culture is like being in the Star Trek federation where there is endless board meetings and conference calls for everything. Like there's everything goes through everything-- any idea or any initiative goes in the meat grinder and comes out Google on the other end and they're like obsessed with it. Like everything is the googly way of doing something or like you have to submit ideas of-- they've conditioned that-- they've got this thing where you're allowed to work on your own projects for 20% of their time they call it, except that's bullshit. That's not how it works. You have to get that time approved on a project that you want to do. So they've got everybody there inventing shit for them.
Dick: Like the do-know-evil mode is very serious but it also means that they can do everything above what is explicitly evil. Like as long as you're not being Hitler, as long as you're not being evil, anything goes.
Dick: Which is the worst behavior on the planet, right? Anyway, they had this party that a bunch of marketing people were going to one time, a long time ago and when we showed up, theyhad rows of their employees standing on the sides of these stairs clapping like applauding just average most marketing people showing up to this event like just sitting there with huge smiles on their faces and chicks that had no business, throngs of them. These many beautiful women, I defy them to explain why their ratio of hot fuckable chicks is so much higher than any company in Silicon Valley. I, a hundred think that they're doing it on purpose to try to keep their heat like they're pack mules working and staying at the fucking Googleplex because why, where you're going to go if they're putting-- if they're making all your food, they'e cutting your fucking hair and they've got a higher ratio of hot chicks than anywhere else in the fucking world.
Sean: They're going nowhere.
Dick: You're going nowhere. I'm going nowhere and they got them all lined up applauding people coming. It was one of the fucking, weirdest, sickest-- like it made me uncom --
Sean: Sounds really cultish.
Dick: It was very and then two hours later, they run out of beer at their own party and that told me one thing, you guys, don't know you're so far out of touch with human beings that there's nothing here resembles anything that a human would want which is why they can't launch shit. Like all the things they make goes straight down the drain, are immediate disasters.
Jamie: You know what else they do with their employees that I found to be very weird. Do you remember when we looked up a bunch of the employees on Twitter?
Jamie: Every single one no matter how like not sist they were, everybody had to put their pronouns on like their profile, do you remember that?
Dick: Yes, they're all queer. I don't know how you say, I don't know how you're supposed to say that. I know I'm not allowed to call people a bunch of queers but when they say every single profile has some version of queer, what are you supposed to say?
Dick: Queer. They've got a bunch of queers working at Google. They say it, not me. This isn't me, I'm not enjoying this in any way calling them queers. It's just what they call themselves. So Nick, you've apparently pissed some of these queers at Google off, is that right?
Nick: Yes apparently, if you just go ahead and read like a legal document that is obviously biased towards one side then you are automatically completely biased towards that side and if you dare read the names that are listed in the public document, you're somehow assaulting or attacking the people I guess. I don't know.
Dick: Yes, what was one of the queers names, was is Liz Fong?
Nick: Yes Liz Fang-Jones.
Dick: Liz Fang-Jones.
Nick: Yes who the next day was featured in a wired article about all of the discrimination and hate that she receives as a Google employee which is pretty funny given the timing of the law suit and and her direct quotes in the document showing how she's actively trying to get heteronormative people fired for being men.
Dick: Yes, it's a very fucking weird and it makes my skin crawl reading-- not only reading like what she says but just like learning more about her as a person that she's in charge or even in a slight way, even in a partial way in charge of a company that has more power over me than the US government.
Dick: Like if Google decided to fuck with me, I can't stop, if uncle Sam try to fuck with me, I could stop him. I got lots of ways to do that increasing by the day, do you understand Sean?
Sean: Yes I do.
Dick: Talking about the shotgun that I'm holding from Taylor.
Sean: Right. Right, provided you can cock it.
Dick: I can't use it [Inaudible] There we go.
Jamie: There you go.
Sean: There you go, that's a good one.
Dick: That's what I can use to zap the government. Google, I got nothing. I got no digital shotgun to take them down. I've no second amendment rights against Google and they've got insane queers working for them that are --
Nick: In the --
Dick: Go ahead.
Nick: The thing that I've noticed so far is that Google has so much money that they're paying all these people infinity dollars to not do anything other than go to internal conferences about gender biases. I mean-- and tweet about it then.
Dick: That was my --
Nick: My buddy from Arizona -- go ahead.
Dick: Well, the funniest thing I saw on your video was when you said, "Yes, for all these people working at Google, they're doing a lot of tweeting and going to like seminars about diversity and they don't seem to be doing much work.
Nick: Right. Like I can't imagine having time but before I was self-employed it was, I could not imagine having the time to just sit around and do ongoing training unrelated to any aspect with my actual work.
Dick: Yes. So what is this-- what was that Liz Fong saying about you? Like you've had a number of people talking about passing your videos around internally and how you're using ableist slurs against them because let's be fair you're doing a little bit more than reading documents. You're also offering a spicy hot take on just about every couple of sentences.
Nick: I thought my ableist slurs were me making fun of FDR being terrible at standing but it turns out, it's just calling people an idiot is apparently an ableist slur.
Sean: Right because it's an antiquated IQ term that we used to use 75 years ago is that why?
Nick: I guess.
Sean: I don't know, I'm just -- yes.
Nick: I guess that's why they do it. I was contacted by a couple of software engineers privately who are pretty sympathetic to my situation and I did get a couple of these screenshots.
Dick: Really from Google? From inside Google?
Nick: Yes. Yes.
Dick: Hello, what did the screenshots say?
Nick: I was kind of surprised, they do have a link to my bar registration in Google because ofcourse the first attack was, is this guy even a real lawyer? It's like no, I'm lying and holding myself out to the public as a real lawyer because that's a smart thing to do.
Sean: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Nick: But --
Dick: I mean and this is like Google is paying them to research you for obviously nefarious purposes basically?
Nick: I can't say for sure that it's done on company time but it is from their internal servers so I would assume so.
Sean: Maybe it's during their 20% times where they get to work on their private project for fucking up a guy's life.
Nick: Private projects is going after a rural Minnesota lawyer. I need to spend 20% of my day on this please but [crosstalk]
Dick: That would be serious, man. If I saw a leaked document from inside Google with my name on it and one of these angry queers was passing it around. Look if -- go ahead.
Nick: I was going to say, I will say that for as much as there are people I guess at some level attacking me although nothing has come to me outside of the private stuff so I don't want to misrepresent that I'm like in some sort of weird existential danger. But there are people actually defending the videos and defending me on Google's internal stuff as well, so kudos to them if you happened to ever hear this, thanks God.
Dick: Good for you. You really Nick -- all Nick Racket is really moving up in the world. Getting bigger, getting some big enemies out there, Sean.
Sean: Just another future millionaire who used the Dick Show as a springboard to a greater success.
Dick: Those Silicon Valley queers mean business, they do, if I were to stop--
Nick: If I had known that like getting drunk and screaming at the camera would have been profitable, I would have done it a long time ago.
Dick: You mean both.
Dick: So-- this was funny so to try to dupe one of the googlers into like telling me what they were talking about, I said I was a reporter and I'm an LGBTQ reporter. So Kimball the Silver Hammer saw this and started telling them that he was a reporter from BuzzFeed Israel [laughter]. That he's got his little -- he didn't change anything -- he's got his little picture. He's like, "Yes, I'm from Tel Aviv, the Tel Aviv Times [Crosstalk]
Sean: With his giant Israeli flag in the background.
Dick: Yes, like immediately, as soon as I did and got blogs, it's like, "Hey I'm also a reporter from BuzzFeed Israel. I need some commentary on this." Anyway, I forget what else I was going to ask you, Nick.
Nick: Oh that's fine. I don't know, man, I just-- like the whole thing has been just funny to me because I don't get why it's so threatening to just have like -- believe me, I love my subscribers and they grow by the day but I don't want to pretend I have some massive influence yet, but --
Dick: I mean it's interesting [Crosstalk]
Sean : That scary that they are so wrapped up in it though.
Dick: You know what? Let me [Crosstalk]
Sean: Because you don't have a massive influence like you said.
Dick: You can't discount a lawyer's opinion though.
Sean: No. No.
Dick: Like that's why it's so beautiful because no matter how queer they are, and they are, very. I don't want to make it seem like these people aren't as queer as they're saying they are so they're definitely are.
Sean: Yes don't sell them short.
Nick: They have the most queer.
Dick: Yes, they have maxed out that capital to a 100%.
Sean: Yes, right.
Dick: Nick as a lawyer has much more influence to burn than these freaks on Twitter and I don't mean freaks because of their queerness, I mean just them as their personality are freaks, right? So he's got much that's why they're afraid of them. These guys like, "I got no capital." Guy, Trump supporter, drinks too much, ride off, instant right off. A guy like Nick, well-spoken, going over legal documentation with no stuttering bringing-- dropping with the kind of knowledge that you gained from years and decades of intense study, that's very frightening to them.
Jamie: And he's a Christian.
Dick: And he is a Christian man, as a Christian man, lot of influence there.
Nick: And I don't drink too much. I only drink just enough.
Dick: Yes, you only drink just enough. All right, Nick, what makes you rage?
Nick: Man, today I was going to say, small town tyrants but I'm going to change it to small time tyrants and that's these, we'll call them, social and public leeches who punch above their weight on swinging their authority around. In my specific contacts, I've got court tomorrow morning for a tiny homeowners association in a town of 1,500 people, right? They are suing my client for thousands of dollars of fees. The only problem is the association that they formed has been disbanded for 20 years.
Dick: Okay, great to spend of everyone's time. Absolutely wonderful.
Nick: So just these little people, this is not a big association by any means
Dick: Perfect opportunity on government.
Nick: It's not ultra wealthy people.
Nick: But they're trying to go after this poor person that I'm representing and it's just funny because like I said, they don't even exist and they don't even realize that I've told them several times, "You don't exist as an entity, you are actually dissolved." So tomorrow is going to be funny.
Dick: This is why we got to go to space. We just got to get away from these fucking people because these people are-- they're at every race and gender and social strata. There's no amount of money that can predict if someone is a bastard or not. There's no amount of education. The smartest people in the world could be total fuck suckers.
Sean: It's true, total bastards.
Dick: Like man, you're so smart and rich and well-traveled and all the things you would think would make a person and yet they're not. Inside there's no person, there's only bastard inside them, so that's why we have to get to Mars, Sean.
Dick: All right, Nick, have a good one. Keep doing the videos. Congratulations on all your success.
Nick: Thanks man, I appreciate it. You guys have a good one.
Dick: Yes, see you.
Sean: See you.
Dick: See you. All right Jamie, do you want news from news?
Dick: I wish we had a -- let me see if we have a news sound.
Sean: Jamie do those.
Jamie: Oh boy.
Dick: No I don't have a news bumper.
Dick: Right, sorry.
Sean: That's a very neat looking legal pad.
Jamie: Oh this? My purple spiral notebook?
Sean: Yes that looks like there's like legible writing in it.
Sean: I don't know if it's for the news or --
Jamie: No, that's for the fitness deal.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: All right, no messed up, no funny news this time.
Dick: Straight news.
Jamie: Well, yes you've got one guy that's going to be very disappointed.
Dick: Who would?
Jamie: He gave you an extra whole dollar just for that.
Dick: All right, what you got? What you got?
Jamie: Okay, so the first thing is a, it's a cryptocurrency, Tokyo based cryptocurrency exchange hacked losing 530 million and so this is Coincheck, a major cryptocurrency trading exchange in Tokyo has been hacked into and has lost about 58 billion yen just 534 million worth of virtual money. Coincheck posted on its website on Friday afternoon that it had suspended the withdrawals of almost all cryptocurrencies. The exchange has already reported the incident to the police and Japan Financial Services Agency.
Dick: Oh man, what if you lost 500 million dollars, what would you do? Just kill yourself, right? I would.
Sean: I guess, I mean.
Jamie: Like what can the police even do?
Dick: Nothing. The police can't do anything. That's gone; that money is gone. They just lost a bunch of fake invisible money disappeared.
Jamie: Do you think police agencies have people smart enough to even look through this?
Dick: I hope not. I don't -- why are they wasting the police's time with their fake crypto money, 500 million dollars of their crypto money? I would start over. I would either actually kill myself or fake my own death if I lost 300 million dollars.
Sean: Yes, at least fake your own death so just nobody asked you about it the rest your life.
Dick: Yes, otherwise it's like having a broken arm for the rest of your life.
Dick: You got to tell every single person, "So what it feel like to lose half a billion dollars?" It's like, "Uh, come on man, just give me a do-over, just don't ask me about this shit." I got to do it. I got to kill myself. It's not worth it explaining to you people over and over again.
Dick: It will get old after a week.
Jamie: Like what kind of answer are they expecting? "Oh I feel totally free now because and I'm not bogged down by the bonds of money.
Sean: You know, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dick: I was thinking of that. Maybe I will just do that; become like a yoga guru talk about everything is the best thing ever. I shit my pants, that's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sean: Just make them so uncomfortable that they'll never talk to you again.
Dick: Yes. Yes, yes yes, oh with that smug look on their fucking face because they didn't get involved in cryptocurrency when you were, "Oh how does it feel that you lost all your imaginary money, half a billion dollars?" "Actually, it's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It made me feel the oneness with the spirit earth mother whom I now worship daily and who influences my life for the better." You just keep talking until they walk away. All right, what else you got?
Jamie: Okay, next, we"ve got BMW to challenge Tesla with super long range electric SUV.
Dick: Oh, well, that's what everyone needs and wants. Everybody has been clamoring for a super long range electric SUV. I'm so glad that this joke company Tesla is incentivizing the world's greatest driving machine to waste a bunch of their fucking time on their engineers on building a total piece of shit. Thank you once again, Elon Musk. Thank you for your influence. Thank you for your service, you prick.
Jamie: So BMW plans to produce a futuristic electric vehicle with a whopping 435 miles of range. That's enough to drive from Los Angeles to Phoenix and still have 60 miles to spare.
Dick: 60 miles to spare so you can enjoy yourself.
Sean: Electric cars still fucking suck, don't they?
Dick: They're a joke.
Sean: They go nowhere. They go nowhere.
Dick: They're a fucking joke and every time any government pulls the subsidies from them, the sales fall of a fucking cliff because nobody wants that car.
Jamie: There's something that gets under my skin about it being a BMW because it's like--
Dick: The ultimate driving machine.
Sean: Yes. Yes.
Jamie: Ultimate douche [Crosstalk]
Sean: Ultimate fucking driving machine.
Dick: Excuse me, ultimate douche machine? What do you drive?
Jamie: A Dodge Challenger.
Dick: Yes the ultimate redneck machine.
Jamie: No it's not.
Dick: Don't be throwing barbs at BMW, the ultimate driving machine when you're sitting on a rocket powered liability, all right? A fucking douche machine.
Jamie: You can agree that there's a bit of a douchey factor owning a BMW.
Dick: That's a car for douche bag. What do you drive? Sebring Convertible, champagne-colored Sebring Convertible, ultimate man's car.
Jamie: Okay, so tell me this --
Dick: Something's got to hear me on it . That's Sebring got to have it. Those F1 drivers, oh man, what are they driving? What are those things powered by, estrogen? I'm NASCAR, I'm a NASCAR girl.
Jamie: NASCAR, no, but tell me this, if you were--
Dick: A dog like that one.
Jamie: Yes if you were going to describe the kind of car that a douche would drive, what would it--?
Dick: A bicycle. A car?
Jamie: Like a $30,000 millionaire kind of guy.
Dick: Yes okay but do they drive BMW's?
Jamie: In my head that's what I imagine.
Dick: I don't know, that's a very specific type. I think douche bags could drive anything.
Dick: That's called being mature.
Dick: You don't want to find people you hate by things like their car or their clothes or their choice and slip not --
Audience : Yes I do.
Dick: -- songs that they like. It could be, you learn as you grow up, it could be anybody and in fact, almost everybody is a douche bag. Almost, almost, it's not just limited to that one person. It is in fact, everybody.
Jamie: Oh, like me.
Dick: Including you, yourself are also a douche bag.
Jamie: I suppose I have some growing to do.
Dick: You need to go think about your life.
Jamie: I've been doing enough of that, thank you. Okay, next, a drone has rescued two people from rough seas off the coast of Australia.
Jamie: Lifeguard's testing out new drone technology [Crosstalk]
Dick: Men or women? They got to say, who was saved.
Sean: No, I think there were two like [Crosstalk]
Jamie: There was two boys that were saved.
Sean: Yes they were teenagers I think or something.
Dick: That's the worst people to save.
Jamie: They weren't even that far off shore, I don't think. Lifeguard testing out new drone technology in Australia have saved two people stranded off the coast New South Wales state as spotted by Quartz. The drone footage shows a birds-eye view of the ocean before the drone ejects the yellow floatation device which inflates when it hits the water. The two teenage boys were caught about 700 meters which is 0.4 miles offshore.
Sean: Yes, it's a waste.
Jamie: Lennox said, in a swell --
Sean: Half a mile off shore?
Jamie: In a swell of about three meters [Crosstalk]
Dick: I can swim that.
Sean: Oh I'm sure you could.
Dick: I swam -- thank you.
Sean: If you got current coming out.
Dick: I could, it's no problem. I could do that when I was a teenager. Those guys are going to get made fun of until they kill themselves.
Jamie: No, you're right. I was -- I don't remember why I read that much shorter but that's a lot longer than I imagine. They were able to grab on to the flotation device and swim to shore. So I just [Crosstalk]
Dick: Their hands weren't too busy jerking each other off?
Dick: Have I ever told you the story, I was in Hawaii and I saw these kids get their life, their raft blown into the ocean and then they chased after it. Like they swam because they don't want to lose their beach toys, so they swam after it like for a very uncomfortably long time.
Sean: Oh and it just kept -- it was strong wind blowing.
Dick: Yes it kept blowing and they got out there and then they realized that they were really totally fucked and that they shouldn't have -- they were probably about a half mile out.
Dick: No lifeguards or anything. I was probably the only one watching it sickly from my room. Then their parents came out. I was too high up to do anything though.
Jamie: Did their parents freak out?
Jamie: Oh my God.
Dick: Yes, both parents freaked out big time. They all -- half of the parents, the dumb ones jumped into the water--
Jamie: These are the kind of stories that coach needs to hear.
Dick: About parenting?
Jamie: Yes, about your kids trying to kill themselves.
Dick: Yes and these were grown up kids. Like they had probably been yelled at for not losing the rafts. Like their parents probably did it in the first by yelling at them too much for maybe losing a raft. So the dumb parents get in and swim about 20 feet out and then realize that they're too fat. So this is like the kids are out there screaming and they're like drowning and their stuff-- their stuff is still blowing out into the wind. I'm drinking a Cosmo on the balcony.
Sean: Did the kids catch the raft when they realized they were far out?
Dick: No, as the rafts blew out, the kids had to get on less and less rafts because they all had rafts at the beginning. They all had-- it was like 5 kids with 5 rafts and as it was like 10 little-- 5 little Indians. As the rafts would blow away, they would only be able to get one of them so more and more-- like it went from 5 to 3 to 2 then you 5 kids on 1 raft and it was sinking.
Dick: So they had to like push each other off to maintain the buoyancy so that--
Sean: Yes it's like Cuban immigrants.
Dick: The stupid parents go out, realize that they can't do it, realize their impotence so then they're just standing there shouting at the kids like, "Woo, don't drown." Like dumb shit, the other parents ran and got some lifeguards.
Sean: Yes, right.
Dick: The smart parents.
Sean: Yes, get the professionals.
Dick: Yes and they went out there in the boat, got them, picked them up. It was very-- it was thrilling, it was thrilling television program I was watching.
Sean: How long did it -- like 5-7 minutes, something like that?
Dick: No. No, no, no, this, I was watching for like a half hour.
Sean: Oh wow.
Dick: Dude, because their progression into very deep water took a long time.
Sean: Oh okay.
Jamie: They were just swimming this whole time?
Sean: They just keep going, yes.
Jamie: They didn't have anything to help them float out there?
Dick: Yes, they had the rafts but as I was saying, as they lost their rafts, they had to get on less and less rafts so they would sink and they would have to start to like shoving each other off. Very interesting; it was very interesting thing.
Jamie: It sounds terrifying.
Dick: Oh probably was.
Jamie: I'm going to have a nightmare about that.
Dick: They should have had drones.
Jamie: Yes they should had drones. Okay, last one. NYPD union sues to stop release of all body cam footage because it violates officer's civil rights.
Jamie: You want me to repeat the whole thing?
Sean: You can, so the cops are suing --
Jamie: NYPD is suing to stop the release of all body cam footage because it violates officer's civil rights. So there's a problem with that statement in itself that I also have a problem with.
Sean: Wait, why does it violates their civil rights?
Jamie: Well, they've got -- I can into in here -- the largest police union in New York City is suing Mayor Bill de Blasio in order to stop the release of any and all body cam footage obtained by officers within New York City police department. They filed the lawsuit on January 9th claiming that the release of police body camera footage amounts to a violation of NYPD officers civil rights. Relies upon the contention that three specific releases of body camera footage by the city of New York constitutes of -- they keep saying the same thing over and over again -- aims to hold all further releases. Why, it doesn't even say why.
Dick: I would think they would-- I would think they would want that because they want to be doing bad shit, that's why.
Jamie: Well, I'm looking for their defense like their explanation as to why they think it's -- here we go. Civil Rights, law 58 prohibits respondents from releasing records use to evaluate a police officer's performance for continued employment or promotion that are under the control of any police agency unless they have secured a court order permitting them to do so.
Sean: That sounds like gobbledygook to me.
Jamie: I feel like it doesn't make any sense.
Dick: A polite society is an armed society, have you heard of that? I think a polite society is also a--
Jamie: Body cam.
Dick: Cam, body cam society. I might walk around with a fake body cam from now on. I'm going to get one of those helmets that has a Go-Pro holder on the top and I'm just going to walk around with that all the time. I don't care that it looks stupid as it will stop people from being discourteous to me because the second they are, bam, straight on the internet.
Sean: Go, really.
Jamie: I would love to do that. Yes I don't understand like it was a long article and I tried to condense it down and I don't really think I did a good job but I just, to me--
Dick: Because it's bullshit.
Jamie: There's no downside to having body cam and like trying to defend against hiding it away just seems very-- like how could you not be nefarious in doing that?
Dick: Those are the people that I want to have body cams on the most, in fact, only. Come on guys, put it and I think it helps them too because then everybody could see-- then everybody could see what colossal pieces of shit cops have to deal with all day everyday.
Sean: It's going to help them more than is going to hurt them.
Dick: I think it will help them in like the public eye too especially like a lot of police stations release footage because there's an uproar, he said, she said, shit and they put it out, they said, "No, this is what happened." They intentionally release them sometimes and it's like, "Oh yes, the guy fucking deserved it." Any better PR, like dude, they could be putting out daily, here's the top, a thousand total pieces of shit that the cops had to deal with in America today all from body cam and it's some obnoxious drunk motherfucker like spitting on a cop or leaping off to a cop and it would be-- all the comments would be, "This person needs to be killed.
Sean: I know.
Dick: Please, now look at all the restraints this cop is showing." Like it would be-- it would make them look like human beings.
Sean: I know.
Dick: Instead of the PR that they do now which is terrible.
Sean: Yes they have no idea how to--
Dick: This looks terrible.
Dick: Just, man, put a clip real with fart sound effects out there and like give the cops some one liners that they get like some zingers where they could -- get like a funny version of John Walsh or something, commentary by Artie Lange, that'd be funny.
Jamie: I've got a friend who's a cop who says that he loves having his camera on.
Sean: Because he knows he's not going to do anything. He knows he's going to act like he's supposed to.
Dick: I read they're more likely to shoot if they've got body cams on.
Dick: Yes because--
Sean: I wonder how long could that have been studied for?
Dick: I don't know, since body cams exist. Well, it was like a study that said--
Sean: On police forces, I mean
Dick: Because there's voluntary ones too that they -- goes way back. I mean, I don't know, I just read them. I actually read the first paragraph on this one.
Sean: No, I'm pretty good.
Dick: It was saying that because they know that what they're doing is justified [Inaudible] only fan, they are more likely to shoot because they know that they're following procedure and that the camera will back them up.
Sean: Yes, interesting.
Dick: Interesting. So if you want less criminals, let's get these fucking body-- more body cams mean more executions by the state and never mind about me wanting their PR. That's a terrible thing.
Sean: Right. Right, Right.
Dick: I got a bit from Sriracha she sent in about Heather. You know the Heather, the reporter?
Sean: Yes, I do.
Dick: Have you read the Heather part of the lawsuit?
Sean: No, I don't think so unless it's been gone. over by one of the lawyers.
Dick: It's very disturbing.
Dick: Yes, this reporter Heather targets the female executives of Weber Shandwick, sends them this not accurate synopsis of Asterios being on the show, pulls quotes from like "Deep Inside Men Are Better than Women", the book.
Sean: Oh I've seen, yes I've seen that.
Dick: Have you seen the picture that Heather puts together of the quotes?
Dick: Yes. It's like a picture of the quote and then me and Asterios laughing in black and white.
Sean: Yes. Yes.
Dick: Have you ever known a reporter who would do something like that?
Sean: With the same font?
Dick: That Maddox uses coincidentally?
Sean: Yes. Yes.
Dick: I don't know. Could be any number of reasons for that. The most likely of which is a guy with spaghetti brands is only knows that font.
Jamie: Wasn't that the episode of where he was talking about Santa Cuck like the striped shirt that he was wearing?
Jamie: That was totally unrelated.
Dick: Totally unrelated. The quote-- and the quote's from Men Are Better That Women, like it's from Deep Inside Men are Better Than Women. Anyway, here's a Heather bit for you. Thank you for the news, Jamie, jamiemunos.com for meal plans and workout plans.
Dick: They are tremendous. This is the fittest I've been in my entire life.
Jamie: Your whole life?
Dick: Yes. Might not look like it but inside it is. It's not always about what's on the outside.
Jamie: Not always?
Dick: When the outside looks so shit then it's the inside that matters.
Jamie: I am doing a deal right now, by the way.
Dick: What's the deal?
Jamie: Two months, one for free.
Dick: All right, two for three, all right that's good deal. Like this show, give you two hours for the price of one, sometimes three.
Jamie: Yes like today.
Commercial: New from the makers of my first legal summons comes just like you, Heather, the STW/journalist who really is just like you. Heather wants to be your best friend, so she'll track down the people calling you mean names on the internet to tattletale on them to their employers even when there's nothing in it for her. Just like you, Heather has spelling skills on par with a third grader. She also regularly misspells the name of the magazine that she does, totally obscene by [Inaudible] to work for. Just like you, Heather, comes with a ton of awesome accessories like a brush, shoes and an email address that automatically forwards all correspondence between her and your former friends' employers straight to your inbox so you can use it as evidence for your law suit. Isn't that like totally convenient? Just like you, Heather's the best, best friend a vexatious litigant could ask for from photoshopping quotes from Dick Patterson onto photos of Asterious that look eerily similar to content on your website about eating animals to her allergy to proofreading. Just like you, Heather is destined to be your BFFL because she truly, suspiciously is just like you. Official Condé Nast email anything to prove that she's real and non-fucked up office address quotes separately.
Dick: You know what? The most interesting part of that Heather debacle is?
Sean: What's that?
Dick: So check this out, there is a dude on kiwi farms brought this to my attention. That's where the deep autism lies.
Sean: Oh yes.
Dick: Kiwi farms. Oh I mean that as that as a compliment to deep, deep, deep in there. The address that Heather gave Weber Shandwick for her place of employment was Four Tims Square, right? I'm sure she meant, Times Square. Just a reporter, she's busting so many stories wide open.
Sean: Right. Right.
Dick: She doesn't have time to spell check her signature in it. The signature of her email that goes out to thousands of people.
Sean: Out of the country on assignments at one point.
Dick: Yes, no one would have alerted her that her email signature has a wrong address, has a misspelling in it. The fucking email signature, they fucked up because Maddox and his girlfriend are too stupid to live.
Sean: How stupid do you have to be?
Dick: How stupid do you have to be? Here's what's funny about it. It's not even the correct address for Condé Nast where she says that she works. It's called the Condé Nast building. It's referred to as like a -- but people, they moved out completely in 2011. So if you Google Condé Nast building, you get this address that they didn't even spell right but it's also not where they fucking work
Jamie: Who figured this out?
Dick: How's that for irony?
Sean: A guy on kiwi farm
Jamie: Oh my God
Sean: Just kill themselves.
Dick: Just kill themselves. Just fucking kill themselves.
Jamie: That's the best one yet.
Dick: It's the best one yet. Alright everybody this has been The Dick Show, thedickshow.com. Head over to Dickels.lol to get yours, you can buy many beautiful wonderful things. Are you taking Dickles for your workout thing?
Jamie: I am not taking. I already have more Dickels than most people have.
Dick: It's not enough, always more for that.
Jamie: The only food I can buy right now with Dickels is pizza.
Dick: Earning pizza, it's all you need, it has all the major food groups, milk, pepperoni, spice.
Jamie: It works against when I'm trying to be here.
Dick: All right, go to patreon.com/thedickshow to watch the video, very great and wonderful video today. I took the time to set settings differently so everyone looks amazing, except Sean he looks a little bit washed out, you genuinely look grey.
Sean: I am washed out.
Dick: You're washed out.
Sean: I am this white.
Dick: And get the bonus episode where we talk about-- Episode 17, it's great listening to the old biggest problem episodes is really interesting uncut like that.
Sean: I have all of them.[laughter]
Dick: We got to wait till this trademark shit goes away.
Jamie: Do you want to talk about the be more fuckable challenge?
Dick: Yeah what is it?
Jamie: It's the weight loss thing that we were talking about-
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Jamie: -with the fans.
Dick: That you're running that to be more fuckable challenge.
Dick: And what do people have to do?
Jamie: Okay, what we are going to do is we're gonna put a thread, I guess I'll go ahead and do this, I'll put a thread on Facebook and a thread on Reddit, hopefully we can get them pinned, I'll pin the first one on Facebook and then-- I'm sure I can figure out how to get it pinned on Reddit as well for a couple days but it's only gonna be photo based because we don't know how many people want to be involved in doing all the measurements and everything like that, takes up too much time.
Dick: Yeah we want to laugh at everyone's photo though, that's the secret.
Jamie: In the threads, you want to post a front photo of you with the paper like a newspaper which just proving the date because we know how dickheads are into fuckery and then a photo from the side and one from the back.
Dick: Wait, wait, wait, I got a better idea. This is how we're gonna judge this, it's the worst picture to the best picture, the best improvement. So you post a picture of yourself and then three months later, if you're playing this game you have to post another picture and the biggest improvement of votes, one from Facebook, one from Reddit will win the prize. So you got to take an extra disgusting-- It behooves you to take an extra gross slouched over picture upfront because then there's a higher likelihood that you'll win the wonderful prize.
Jamie: Which we don't know what it is yet.
Dick: I'll figure it out.
Jamie: We'll figure it out. It's gonna be three months just photo based, pretty simple.
Dick: Maybe I'll pay for your ticket to a Road Rage, would that be a nice prize?
Jamie: That would be a very nice prize.
Dick: It'll be a nice prize it's just airfare not lodgings.
Sean: No, no airfare its like the main impediment anyway.
Dick: Yeah maybe I'll do that, whoever wins to be more fuckable contest, maybe I'll do that.
Jamie: Now we're talking about the Fitness one right now but we also talked about one that we wanted to make more long range which was the not--
Dick: No I need it now, I only want to concentrate on this right now, three months, gross picture to best most more fuckable picture, I'm gonna do it too, I'm gonna eat a bunch of pizzas today and then take a picture tonight like that will make David Hasselhoff look like Margaret Thatcher or Princess Diana, that's a better reference, you know in perfect grace .
Jamie: So we're gonna go get the newspaper.
Dick: Yeah, okay. Newspaper? That can be fudge too.
Jamie: Well if they're gonna go through that kind of effort.
Dick: Okay, newspaper.
Jamie: A newspaper, yeah.
Dick: That's the hardest part, you gotta go buy a newspaper.
Sean: That's like the hardest part of the challenge.
Dick: Those porno papers come out pretty often but they don't have-- Alright a newspaper. Okay everybody you've been listening to The Dick Show, see you next Tuesday. This is The Cuckold Prison Blues song by Ethan Cantrell.[music]
Ethan Cantrell: I feel the dickheads coming, they're rolling around the bend and I ain't seen a patreon and I don't know when, well I'm stuck in Cuckold Prison, I think I ruined my life, well I'll just sit here watching somebody fuck my wife. When I was just a baby, my mama told me son, never mess around with another man's reputation, personal or professional don't be that kind of guy. Well when I hear my lady mourning, I hang my head and cry. I bet there's dickheads jumping into the fancy cars, they're driving across the USA traveling wide and far, just to see that asshole doing his Road Rage line. When I go broke and hungry at least I'll still have Kendall and High.Now wait just for gosh darn second, you mean to tell me that they took a bunch of people's money and they're not giving nothing in return? Oh well fuck me, I know just what to do. Well if they tuned into the news show, they jumped in the debate, they then met another Youtubers mutually masturbate they seemed [laughter] [inaudible] it's just come and say. But when the biggest problem ended, so did my rare love ends. Well I guess if that don't work, I guess I can always sue somebody for twenty million dollars.
Dick: Well very good, let me see here. I'll play Facebook News, I love that. You know he's got all his news archive now, so you can go back Captain Jackass $5 news, you can go and listen to the whole playlist.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick and hello dickheads this is the Facebook group news from last Wednesday. Sebastian de la Cadena is using two of his company's top tier computers to mine cryptocurrency. He's concerned about being fired but once dickheads reassured him it wasn't a big deal, Sebastian devised a plan to speak with the IT guys at work and is conveniently leaving the browsers open to relevant mining pages. While the IT guys have noticed these pages and begun conversation, Sebastian is still trying to work them over.Next up is Adam Cooper who has fallen in love with a hooker, they have yet to bang because Adam is apprehensive about banging a hooker, however he is okay with making out with her. Adam needed advice and was concerned that he might be a cook now but he's willing to overlook it since she feeds him smokes, beer and drugs. Dickheads told Adam to get tested, called him a depressed beta male and even Larry made an appearance to tell Adam she's a damaged person and a guaranteed liability.
Dick: No, you got to date that hooker.
Captain Jackass: Lastly, we have Casey Kelly the newest meme in the group and the hottest topic as it right now. Casey was a former member of The Dick Show Facebook group who months ago made a post calling everybody ugly. The thread blew up and Casey rage quit the group. Fast-forward to Wednesday and Casey reappears with a photo of himself and a luscious set of cans. He asked dickheads to rate the cans situation and instead dickheads didn't forget about Casey's last moments in the group and proceeded to go on for 300 comments goofing on him which including photo-shopped pictures of Casey next to assholes, Maddox penises and pictures of stereos.Casey responded by showing off his Instagram and bragging about likes to which dickheads brutalized him into leaving the group yet again, [laughter]. This makes two post in total for Casey both resulted in him leaving the group and a combined of 600 comments between the post. I spoke with Casey privately who has big plans for a comeback and has a massive reveal for the dickheads on Facebook,
Dick: Oh wow, very exciting.Captain Jackass. This has been a Dick Show Facebook group news, till next Wednesday.
Dick: Wonderful job Captain Jackass always does, audio gets worse every week but absolutely tremendous.
Sean: I though that was a little bit of an improvement.
Dick: You did it with that [makes sound] little static, please fix that.
Sean: I'll take that out.
Dick: Chris Hides says, the no come guy-- You remember the guy who said in the advice question on the bonus episode 20 asking, Jamie you gave him a cheap tip on --
Jamie: A very hidden one
Dick: That he keeps boning and he can't get off, so we gave him some advice on that. I don't think your tip was that great actually that he needs to concentrate on his lover instead of himself. No come guy, masturbation-- here's another guy give him a tip, "Masturbation with live bro, high friction masturbation makes you less sensitive." I think he's saying stop masturbating. Joey W69, he probably has a lot of sex too, So the guy that had the problem getting off, I had the same problem for awhile and I have something for you to try, stop jacking off for a while, you've got to train your body to be tuned to a woman's body instead of your gorilla hands and sandblasting your dick off, be warned though your problem will be inverted and you'll be down to like five minutes until you pop one off."
Sean: He'd probably welcome that at least the first few times, you know what I mean?
Dick: De Jante, he replied in the comments saying, "Okay I'll try this out." He says, "I'm surprised that Jamie's advice in the episode though, I try my damnedest to please my partner in the sack and sadly that doesn't help either." So there you go, of course he tried, we all try you just can't ever please them, it's a sad fact of reality. There's no pleasing woman in any way, in bed, emotionally, financially, especially, ideologically can't please them, philosophically you can't. It's just never enough, that's part of maturing as well. [laughter] Lets play some voicemails here, very good.
Audience 1: Hey Dick, Troy S. Preston Esquire here, want to know what makes me rage?
Sean: Ted Theodore and Logan.
Audience 1: That friend that laughs and won't tell you what's about until you ask him what he's laughing about, so like you're at a bar.
Sean: That's usually girls
Audience 1: You're getting some drinks and you have that one friend who can't put his fucking phone down and you can hear like the pop on Twitter when you're just constantly refreshing and he let like one of those [chuckles].
Dick: That's a bit sexist to hear you say that Sean.
Sean: just my experience.
Audience 1: I can see he's fucking eyes pulled up, looking around, anyone gonna ask me? Anyone gonna ask me what I'm laughing about, no? So he fucking puts his eyes back down on the phone and he laughs at another one.
Dick: Who's after me lucky charms.
Audience 1: And now he won't fucking tell me what's funny until someone says, "what's so funny bro?" And of course it's nothing that funny, it's a fucking meme, it's just a fucking picture, it's a stupid tweet and that's all it is. It's never anything that's truly groundbreaking [laughter] he only wants to do is use this joke as if it's his own and he can't fucking do it himself, he has no confidence in himself where you can just be like, "look at this"
Sean: He's going to sit his friend down.
Dick: First of all, you've got no confidence in yourself, that's what disturbs me the most. It's true though and then when you do ask they like immediately write you off and invalidate your curiosity
Jamie: It's nothing.
Dick: It's nothing.
Jamie: I've started stifling my laughter now because I'm self-conscious about that.
Dick: About laughing at nothing?
Jamie: About the idea of like now there's like this weird thing to where either somebody has to ask what it was or I have to like offer it up, but sometimes I just laugh.
Dick: I know I'm gonna fight with someone when I refuse to ask when they're like [chuckles] like, "Oh you fucking bitch I'm not gonna ask you what that was 'cause I don't care, I'm doing my own thing over here, I got plenty of funny shit over here, fuck you. Cram it up your ass." It is very annoying. That never happens to you?
Audience 1: Hey Dick, Rager here I'm just listened to your episode 85 and Katt Williams voice is great and his wife loving the Ryan Reynolds voice. I got a better one, I dated a girl back in high school who loved the Smeagol voice from Lord of the Rings, "Oh the precious. Oh the precious love this [inaudible] fuck boy."
Dick: I wonder if he's getting hard while his doing the voice.
Audience 1: I swear to God. I dated this chick for six months and it got to a point that she would only fuck me if I talked to her in the Smeagol voice.
Dick: The fuck?
Audience 1: Oh my precious [inaudible]. [laughter] Yeah, it was weird. Thanks for the neck tattoo, you still owe me a couple of beers.
Dick: I do owe him a couple of beers, I want an update that.
Sean: Send an invoice too, fuck you.
Jamie: Speaking of tattoos, are we gonna get the David Clegg one?
Dick: Yeah what's going on with Kimball, I don't know, I haven't heard anything from it, he's been too busy pretending to be a reporter for Israel.
Jamie: Hes been trying to slide that one by.
Sean: Israel with an apostrophe.
Dick: Wow, that's among the weirder voices, imagine having to put on a performance like that, because it's not only the voice, you also got to come up with the dialogue as Gollum.
Sean: Because he pluralizes things.
Dick: You gotta like invent dialogue on the fly because when you're banging you know what you want to say, it's very easy but imagine having to pretend to be Gollum from Lord of the Rings, you can't say like "Oh yeah that's good, fuck me like that." He doesn't say that kind of stuff.
Sean: I assume he does not.[laughter]
Dick: You're going to talk about like chicken bones and stuff not like hobbits.
Sean: Every once in a while make the [makes sound] gagging noises that he does.
Dick: God, what a pain in the ass, you gotta sit down and write a script every time you want to plow, she's probably doing that, she probably doesn't even like it, she's putting more hoops for you to jump through. Go put on your Smiggle costume, like "Fuck." Go do all the makeup, put on those balls.
Sean: Stop eating so much.
Dick: Put on the rotoscope balls.
Sean: You're not skinny enough.
Dick: Forget it, I don't want not have sex anymore, fuck you. Or at least pick like a fun-- You got to negotiate, maybe she would like another muppet that's more fun to do, I could do the count in bed, no problem, every time, "One, two, three, ah, ah, ah" Like all day I could do that and enjoy myself.
Sean: Be more fun for you, I would probably get.
Jamie: You don't even need a girl there to enjoy yourself doing that all day long.
Dick: True, I don't need a girl at all, I've got Consuelo.
Shawn: Or anything.
Jamie: What the fuck.
Dick: I could just be sitting being the count masturbating in bed, you get it. Ah ah ah [laughter] This guy was kind of pissed off I think.
Audience 2: Hey Dick, this is Austin from Seattle again, I got a second rage while I was listening to the fucking bonus episode and it was that guy you bitched about academic affirmative action. You can probably guess why I'm fucking pissed off because I live in Seattle, I don't need to fucking tell you anything else about myself and you know that that fucking triggered me. Dude, how the fuck are you gonna bitch about the fact that that fucking minorities and shit are getting in, is that guy like totally retarded and that he fucking doesn't realize they'll be like fuck black people and minorities by destroying their fucking education. Okay, so we're gonna let people in that are maybe a little dumber, a little farther but aren't quite this far on the fucking path to education as some fucking white people? Yeah, that's how you fucking help people bring people back up dude, that's how you fucking slowly try to correct for things like Jim fucking Pro, which is there are people alive who were a part of fucking Jim Crow, that's very ignorant and fucking opinion. I get it it sucks when you're in that opinion, I'm that fucking guy, my fucking parents made way too much fucking money for me to get any type of fucking academic scholarship, so I fucking have to pay my way through a shit ton of college and I didn't even fucking get a degree because I was half way through fucking college and they realize "This kid is fucking dumb." Why the fuck am I here? I'm way too fucking smart for this and then we got a fucking [crosstalk]
Dick: You think black people should do it though.
Audience 2: No college, fuck it, college has never done shit for me. So I get it, it fucking sucks but don't fucking blame the minorities man and you know what? That's fine but don't blame the fucking[crosstalk]
Jamie: I'm so impressed by his altruism.
Dick: College is dumb, send all the minorities in.
Sean: I'm too smart for them, it's fine for them, college is good for you guys, I got the pool, I have my own intellect to swimmer. Was that Alex Oliviera?
Sean: I don't remember.
Dick: I don't know, I don't think anyone's blaming the minority for academics, it's not a crime.
Jamie: I take advantage of it if I could.
Dick: I did, I took somebody's spot, sucks to be them.
Jamie: I doubt it.
Jamie: I doubt you took somebody's spot.
Dick: Of course I did. I put Mexican on the college application, I got in, my scores are at least average perhaps a little less than average. I wouldn't believe in a million years that I didn't get a bump because of the Mexican shit because I have myself been bumped from things because I'm not a woman. I have been bumped from like whatever, like stupid seminars shit that I don't care about but some people means their career like where you get a hushed you get pulled over and in a hush town, you're told "Look we got bump up the diversity numbers for this thing so we're gonna swamp you out, please don't go on Twitter with that information because you will be crucified. So I don't give a fuck."
Sean: Don't worry I'm not allowed on Twitter, don't worry I'm banned
Dick: Don't worry I'm banned from just being a regular guy, don't worry this is another in a long succession of me being a regular dude.
Shawn: But I will gab the shit out of it.
Dick: Yeah and no one will care. It does suck for them, it's a nice idea that he's got but when you're not getting the promotion and you think is there an even a slight chance that this is because of my race while I'm going to diversity seminars every fucking day and the company's constantly telling me how important that is? Should I synthesize that data into meaning that there is any way that even slightly race could have been a factor in my hiring or promotion? I guess there's no one I could ask so I'll just slowly ferment into a murderous rage.
Jamie: Did you hear about the chick who sued the University of Texas for affirmative action tomfoolery?
Dick: No, it was kind of tomfoolery [inaudible].
Jamie: She claimed-- I actually don't know how this ended but she claimed that her spot was given to a minority when it was rightfully hers.
Dick: Because she's a woman.[laughter]
Jamie: She's a blond, white chick.
Dick: That's the ultimate joke. We'll not do any affirmative action, congratulations we gave your spot to an Asian man.
Jamie: She took him to court and-- God, sometimes I wonder if it was her or her parents who are like really pushing for this but the whole thing came off very embarrassing.
Dick: For who?
Jamie: For her, because most people were saying, oh take a look at her scores and detailing all of the ways in which she should not have made it in and so it ended up being very embarrassing but it just made me think of that.
Sean: Some people don't understand the premise
Jamie: Somebody said it went to the Supreme Court tested.
Dick: Did she just say Jim Crow laws in there?
Dick: Who are those? I don't think I did. I didn't do those.[crosstalk]
Jamie: Those actually are the emancipation.
Dick: Did you do them Sean?
Sean: No. But it's people are still alive who lived through the Jim Crow South.
Sean: Yeah Jim Crow went well in the 1900.
Jamie: Those are like 50's.
Sean: Yeah, 50's
Dick: This one is pretty interesting.
Audience 3: Hey Dick I just want to say at the end of your last episode when you're talking about straight porn, it's solely stating out the money shot, well I just wanted to say as a gay man, gay porn has been doing that for years it's fucking bullshit. For the past like fucking four years now they've been playing these videos up into fucking eight minute like clips and you're supposed to fucking jerk-off to and it's not even good and why when it gets to the money shot it just fucking tells you the exact same thing as in the straight porn does where it says like fucking "Oh shit, well I guess you have to pay if you want to watch this guy coming in this other guy asshole to make it look good and make you fucking gay or [inaudible] or whatever" Yeah, that's what makes me rage.
Sean: I love that we have a gay listener who talks like that.
Jamie: Yeah, he doesn't sound gay at all.
Dick: I didn't know that it existed.
Sean: It all exists.
Dick: Now you've really blown my mind. He's right, that gay man is right.
Sean: The fuck attitude.
Dick: Yeah, instead you get a nice funny boner, a fucking funny bone in your cock when you're trying to get off and they don't give you that money shot, very frustrating.
Sean: Can't have nice things.
Audience 3: Dick, what the fuck is up with the factory settings on TVs where like the dialogue is way quieter than the music and so you're watching something and you have to like change the volume up and down.
Dick: He's right, it's pretty bad.
Audience 3: Maybe Sean can help me out because he's an audio guy or I could just look up how to fix the setting on the TV.
Dick: No, there's no settings you can fix, it's fucked.
Sean: It's just the way that certain things are just so fucking compressed and then it goes through.
Dick: What does that means?
Sean: Dynamically compressed.
Dick: So they're all the same level?
Sean: Yeah basically but it's not because you can't hear shit from dialogue, you got to ride the goddamn volume in the entire movie, I got these beautiful Audiences and I can't use it because it's so frustrating. I think a lot of those-- They don't care how the stereo mix goes down like if you're watching a movie because those things are mixed for theater, right?
Sean: They do a lot of mixing but I have noticed that too, I haven't delved into it but I noticed that the mixes just watched on a regular TV from DVDs or Netflix or whatever a lot of the audio is terrible and the dialogue is usually down. I don't know how many stages it goes through and I don't know if-- radio stations have like broadcast limiters that's why things sounds so different on the radio as opposed to off the CD.
Dick: But you're not listening to a bunch of shit explode and gunshots in addition to your radio guy talking about immigration.
Sean: I don't know at what point or even on regular TV if they show a movie on TV because I don't really mix for TV that much.
Dick: It's so fucking frustrating.Sean I know what you mean.
Dick: You start it and you got to start it low but the second people talk, it's like I have no idea what that idiot said.
Sean: And then the music gets really, really loud.
Dick: Way to loud.
Sean: It's like there's something hammering the center channel where the dialogue would come out of, down.
Dick: And that's the product is watching the movie on Netflix through an okay sound system that didn't just come with the TV which is itself still fucked.
Sean: It should hold up on a laptop. If you can't watch a movie on a laptop, of course you're not gonna get the weight and the rumble of those-- of the--
Dick: I just want to be able to hear.
Sean: No, that's it but the dialogue, the cardinal sin in anything with dialogue is burying the dialogue, the dialogue is always the most important for every-
Dick: What are you doing over there?
Sean: [inaudible] what are you talking?
Dick: Are you taking pictures? For every dollar they spend on like whatever the rating system that we have to hear about all the time, they can go fuck themselves, they can't even hear it. I need a separate system of how annoyed am I gonna be listening to this on a DVD? It's just this whole system of shit that doesn't work for men because there's not one single goddamn man there that's just saying "Oh is this what we're releasing? I'm gonna take it home and play it on my TV." Come back to work the next day "Hey all of you Hollywood guys, can you stop molesting chicks for a second and listen to me, this guy can't fucking hear this DVD, I can't hear it, I took it home and actually tried to do it and I can't."
Sean: Because the animated shows never seem to suffer from this. Not because they don't have all the crazy special effects
Sean: It depends
Dick: Of course Steven Universe doesn't they just got people jumping into pussies.
Sean: You're right, the big score is all of a sudden it happens fuck.
Dick: They're so annoying.
Jamie: I need a gift of that by the way posted.
Dick: The pussy jumping in?
Jamie: Yes that was so weird.
Dick: It's a 100% what it is.
Jamie: It is.
Dick: And they're talking about fusing like it's boning, dude this show is fucked up.
Sean: I need to see that.
Jamie: There's a video we can pull up.
Dick: Two more, two more, two more.
Audience 4: Hey dick, this is Jason from New York I'm calling-- Well I'm at my job right now in an office so I had to duck into a side conference room to make this phone call.
Dick: It's very important.
Audience 4: I [inaudible] the bonus episode and I just finished the part with the dickhead who can't finish during sex and I can tell you right now that it's a problem that I suffer from too, that I suffered from. And I can tell you that it's because he probably masturbates too much, the reason being is that science-- Sex can't replicate the same amount of pressure that you can put on your dick with your hand so it makes like-- The vagina just can't do that unless you're I don't know fucking like--
Sean: A fitness instructor?
Audience 4: A fake vagina, tell the dickhead to stop jerking off so much and his problem will probably fix itself because honestly, if you go a day or two you could just bust right away. There you go, bye.
Dick: It's true.
Sean: Get to that meeting.
Dick: Get back to your meeting. [chuckles] Some chicks talking about God, he couldn't just place that call during the meeting, why not? Not safe for women, that call is not safe for women talking about normal bodily functions, talking about our bodily functions as men is too gross for women [chuckles], talking about sharing knowledge and experience and dealing with our shame and grow emotionally.
Jamie: Is that what the kids call it nowadays?
Jamie: Sharing your knowledge?
Dick: Sharing our knowledge and experiences, are you trying to make a gay joke?
Dick: Because that guy will call in and really chew you out.
Jamie: I dare him.
Dick: Not safe for women, not safe for women, we should be able to talk about our ejaculations anytime we want, it's a scientific procedure about the procreation. Women can take their gross egg fried tits out and feed annoying little babies and this guy can't talk about not jerking off too much at work? Is it that outrageous? [chuckles]
Sean: It's outrageous, it's preposterous.
Dick: If I see it it's outrageous, preposterous.
Sean: Un American.
Dick: If I see a woman breast feeding, I'm talking about jerking off immediately, that's my policy, that's my new policy.
Jamie: Are you talking about it or just doing it?
Dick: I don't want to go to jail, I'm going to talk about it. First I tell it then I'll show it, it's a reverse.: I don't know if I run out of material and she's not done, I might start doing it. She's on the clock, that baby is on the clock, jack-off clock. Okay, all right, what the hell just happened?
Jamie: The jack-off clock.
Dick: Maybe two more.
Audience 5: Hey Dick, I was calling to address Sean's concern about that army veteran who had the scalpel in his hip for four years.
Dick: I remember that.
Audience 5: I can't speak to that exact situation, I would have thought doctors were competent too and there's no way they'd missed something like that. Once I kicked a soccer ball, it felt like I got hit by a truck and the next day I went to the doctor and he said "You're a little young to be having hip pain." And then they all had a good chuckle.
Dick: The jokes are free to the doctors, they should call us then.
Audience 5: I think I call more times with 12 different doctors who all pulled me the same joke over about a year and a half, we're averaging one doctor per month and all of them said the same thing, "Two to four weeks, you'll be right as rain."
Dick: Oh goddamn. People love talking about their medical illness.[crosstalk]
Audience 5: And then the final doctor I demanded an MRI because the rest of them where like, "Go and stretch or I don't know, take a lot of drugs, take these opioids." I did a lot of that and that was fun but it didn't fix my problem. So I get the MRI they give you a little disk, took it home popped it on my computer never read an MRI in my life, started doing a little scrolling wheel, I see this big blob where the pain was I was like "Winner." So back the next day to get my doctor consult, he comes in all teary-eyed said " And he is a young doctor, he's clearly never had to tell anyone that they have cancer." And he told me like a little bitch [laughter] making the situations way worse because that's embarrassing [inaudible] and crying. So I would 100% believe doctors would totally miss a scalpel for four years.
Sean: It happens.
Audience 5: Hope that helps Sean. See you next Tuesday.
Sean: What just to-
Dick: Guy's got cancer.
Sean: -tell me I'm right?
Dick: He's telling you you're right.
Sean: Hopefully things worked out all right.
Dick: No he just left that so the cancers definitely didn't just go away.
Sean: He just left that voicemail? He might have been telling a story from a while ago.
Dick: Or maybe so.
Sean: Hopefully he's all right.
Dick: So it did work out. Let me see if I got one more. No that's it, I'm done. Hey everybody, you guys got any questions?
Jamie: Just found this video of the fusion.
Dick: Oh it's fucked.
Sean: What's fucked?
Dick: You want to see it Sean?
Jamie: She sent me a link if you want me to pull it up.
Dick: Yeah put in the chat so I can just click it.
Jamie: Okay, well you can't click it, let me see if I can highlight it.
Dick: I'll figure it out.
Jamie: Yeah you're smart dude.
Sean: It starts at when?
Jamie: One minute two seconds.
Dick: Okay so this is what they do before they do their combining.
Jamie: Oh it's so fucked.
Sean: Look at that, she's covering his eyes so she knows it's erotic. She totally is.
Jamie: Just watch Sean.
Sean: Look she's transfixed by the sexuality on display, now she's getting horny, aggressively so, now she's thrusting her hips, the big ones thrusting her hips right into the pussy.
Sean: Jumps right into the pussy.
Jamie: Exact reaction that I had, right?
Sean: That's crazy.
Dick: Yeah right? Now she's being a big monster.
Jamie: And not only that but--.
Sean: She like covered his eyes and then she totally jumped right into her pussy.
Jamie: She opened her legs.
Dick: She opened her legs preparing herself.
Jamie: After she got finished doing this weird like clapping
Sean: Everyone who sees that is only gonna come to the same conclusion. You can go, oh well that's just your deal, that's your problem.Dick: There's no way kids see that and they're comfortable with it.
Jamie: The other thing is--
Sean: That's is really bizarre
Jamie: Apparently the creators of the show blatantly say that yes they are doing these things on purpose to try to instill like values in small children.
Dick: That's right, like sex.
Jamie: And then there was a thing where they were talking about like the fusion thing happened unwillingly so it was like this weird thing about rape.
Dick: Okay so you know how they've squished together and became that bigger Voltron thing?
Dick: I'm putting everything that happens in this show in boys cartoon terms because that's what I understand. The way they Voltron like that, in another episode one of these broads tricks another one into fusing like that and keeps insisting that they have to do it and then the other one gets pissed off because she went tricked into fusing and the other one is like, I had to do it like has a breakdown because-
Jamie: It makes me feel good.
Dick: -it makes me feel good, you're talking about this is a cartoon where somebody's raped.
Sean: I did watch a lot of it though, it's weirdly entertaining.
Dick: It's so weird she like covers his eyes.
Sean: There you go, all right, goodbye.