Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Kian Magaña.
Transcription by u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Dick: (Singing) Dee-dee-deet. Da-dee-dee-deet. Man, color is looking great. Hans Olin had a beer for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Sean: And then a sensible dinner.
Dick: Okay. Talking about his keto diet.
Sean: His what?
Sean: What’s keto?
Dick: It’s an ancient Japanese sword fighting technique, that is also a diet.
Sean: I see.
Dick: I don’t know that it is. Ketosis?
Jamie: (Quietly, in the background) Trying to put your body into ketosis.
Dick: Jamie big leagues. That’s her move. If you ask her anything fitness related, instant big league.
Sean: Well, that’s…
Dick: Is running good? “Well, your cardioscopic midiograms…” God, I regret it. I regret... I regret it.
Dick: I need it dumbed, not smartened. I need concepts dumbed down, not smartened up.
Dick: I’m gonna give you a dumb smart meter, okay. What’s keto? (Dick makes a buzzing sound)
Jamie: Manipulating your carbs.
Dick: Okay, that’s dumb.
Jamie: That’s dumb? Okay. So that you can – you can have your highest capacity for building muscle.
Sean: Totally understood. I’m good with that.
Dick: That’s good.
Sean: I’m good with that.
Jamie: There’s a lot of times you have to eat meals that have, like, almost no carbs in them.
Dick: Oh. You mean like lettuce?
Kian: They make you smell bad too.
Dick: Keto makes you smell bad?
Kian: It’s a terrible, terrible diet for body odor.
Sean: Just too much protein and stuff? Like meat and…
Kian: I don’t know, but I did it for 2 weeks, and I just couldn’t stand my own smell.
Sean: I mean – because you’re pretty bad now, so…
Dick: What’d you smell like?
Kian: I dunno. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just, like…
Dick: Proteiny? Or not proteiny?
Sean: Minerally, like?...
Kian: Minerals? Raw chicken, I guess.
Dick: You smelled like raw chicken?
Kian: No. I don’t know. I can’t describe it. I… I did not like it, would not do it again.
Dick: Hmm… How do you even find time to eat?
Kian: I eat at my desk, mainly.
Dick: You eat at your desk?
Kian: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Just, in court rooms, stuffing my mouth.
(Dick imitaties a judge with food in his mouth)
Dick: Shouldn’t they just let – you guys can’t eat in court, can you?
Dick: Ah… For no reason. Judges…
Kian: Offends the dignity, or something like that.
Dick: Judge wants to eat, can’t, lawyers want to eat, criminals want to eat, people who are innocent but presumed guilty want to eat. Nobody could eat. For no reason, Sean.
Sean: Yeah. Everybody does it. It’s natural.
Dick: Everybody eats. Why can’t we just do it in court?
Dick: What’s the big deal?
Sean: I dunno.
Dick: You telling me I can eat? A guy driving a truck can eat on his job. Kian can’t eat in court?
Dick: That sucks.
Kian: I’m gonna bring that up. I’m gonna brief the whole thing to the court. Maybe.
Dick: So you can object…
Kian: The due process violation. Eat a burrito in court, and the judge asks me what I’m doing. “Objection, your honor!”
Dick: Your honor, according to the 14th amendment, that allows gays to be married, I can…
Dick: I’m 100 percent sure I can eat in court if guys can get married, and bone each other in the butt.
Dick: I defy you to…
Sean: I love the redundancy on that.
Kian: Dick, you should have gone to law school.
Sean: That’s my favorite part of that sentence. “If gay guys can get married and bone each other… In the butt.”
Dick: In the butt. Because of the 14th amendment…
Sean: Right. Everybody knows that one.
Dick: I can eat in court.
Dick: Okay, let’s do a show.
Dick: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick! You got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest! Coming to you live from a mountain bunker, deep in the heart of the City of Failure. I’m your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man. The 20-million-dollar man. They’re gonna knock 5-grand off that. Now I’m the 19,995,000-dollar man, because I just had to write a fucking check to continue defending myself against this lolsuit from the coward known as dying Maddox. So, I’m now the 19-million…
Sean: (interjects) How Trumpian of you.
Dick: The 19-miillion…
Sean: (interjects) Dying Maddox.
Dick: Dying Maddox, I called him dying Maddox, for… Ever since he fucking sued me, I guess.
Sean: That’s pretty good.
Dick: Um… He’s internalizing it well, too. His YouTube…
Sean: (interjects) Really?
Dick: His YouTube station loses, like, 700 subscribers every time he posts content, because they’re all dogshit. It’s all dogshit.
Sean: Is that true?
Dick: Yeah. That’s true. Uh, with – Joining me, with me, as always, is, uh… Sean, the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up, buddy? And joining us today as well, is Kian…
Dick: … Magana. Hero. Lawyer. Kian Magana.
Kian: That’s how I tell myself to get out of bed in the morning.
Dick: Oh yeah. (sigh) You motherfuckers are certainly expensive, Kian.
Kian: Yeah, sorry.
Dick: And you really…
Kian: (interjects) Sorry for setting you up with such a great lawyer in New York.
Dick: (grunting) Oh, god! It’s gonna end up – It’s gonna end up costing me more than I ever made from The Biggest Problem, to get away from it. It’s like a gang. Like, you get…
Sean: (interjects) Money well spent!
Dick: I got in, but then Maddox is beating me out, by charging me insane amounts of money to defend myself, and my company, and my friends, and my comedians…
Dick: … Who work for me, who didn’t get served properly, but I’m gonna still take credit for defending Madcucks. Uh… It’s a gang. You get in, you enjoy the hot times, you enjoy the comradery, you enjoy going by a name you don’t want to go by on YouTube when you have to do a terrible live show… And then they beat you out. They beat your ass out. “Oh, you want out? Alright.” They gotta jump you out.
Kian: Doesn’t even anything out.
Kian: All this money’s going to someone else, too. Not even him.
Dick: Yeah. It’s all going… It’s all going to someone else. You’re right! It’s just a random person! A random person, and a random guy, Gary Adelman and Sarah Matz in New York, ended up with all of The Biggest Problem money. That’s it! The entire – for 100 episodes, and 18 bonus episodes, it turned out we were just working for them! It was all being done for Gary and Sarah! Ah, man!
Sean: They’re the only ones who win in the end. That’s it.
Dick: Everybody who bought a bonus episode, just PayPal it straight to them!
Dick: No fucking reason.
Kian: Oh man, some lawyers are just lucky.
Sean: You guys are just the middlemen without taking a cut.
Dick: Yeah, we just worked for nothing! I’m talking all about libertarians every episode, and how taxation is theft. I’m working for my feudal lord, a lawyer in New York!
Dick: My female lawyer in New York… Because I don’t respect the case. Um… (laughing) I’m just kidding. Sarah is fantastic. Uh, it got moved to…
(Sean giggles like a schoolgirl)
Dick: It got moved to the commercial division. Maybe they’re gonna give me some of my money back.
Sean: That’s… I just found that out last night, actually.
Dick: Commercial division?
Sean: Yeah, that’s…
Dick: Nick Rekieta has a video all about it.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, I started watching that, actually. That’s bad news for, um…
Dick: For the orangutan?
Sean: For the nemesis, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, it’s bad fucking news.
Sean: Yeah. Bad news.
Dick: Bad news. They don’t see a lot of dog bite lawyers in the commercial division. Samsung doesn’t send in their kennel crew!
Sean: No. Not unless a dog was, like, a television star. Or someone who, you know, hits ‘em rough.
Dick: (Imitating a dog) “Roof, roof! Uh, see, your honor. This defense is rough!”
Sean: With appearances on Dr. Paul, here’s…
Dick: “Your honor… Please allow me to take a bite out of the prosecution. If we could have a brief pause…” And then he holds up his…
Dick: “Hehehe.” Yeah, he’s got his own – he’s got his own pack of chuckle-fuck dogs behind him, laughing at everything. And then there’s a sexy collie lawyer, who’s just trying to prove herself, in this male dominated world.
Sean: Yeah. Right.
Dick: (Dick sounds like Jasper, from Family Guy) She’s all prissy. She’s an Ivy league collie with her pedigree. She’s got 4 names.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Dick: “Oh, you guys go – I go running after work.”
Sean: Allie McBeagle?
Dick: That’ll do.
Sean: That’ll do.
Dick: Sean, that’ll do. That’ll be the end of that. Oh, my god. Oh, I fucked up. Kian and I went to see Jordan Peterson. Have you heard of that man?
Dick: He’s a lunatic that believes man evolved from lobsters.
Dick: And that women shouldn’t ever leave the kitchen, because I understand Jordan Peterson’s philosophy.
Kian: That’s what you’ll get from watching the… BBC’s interview of him.
Dick: Hmm. I’m joking, of course. Do you know anything about Jordan Peterson?
Sean: Not really.
Dick: He’s just a guy who says – he says, like, normal shit that we all think. Like, yeah, I mean we…
Sean: But he says it.
Dick: Yeah. But he says it, and he also has a doctorate in, like, psychology and sociology, so he always has science to back it up.
Dick: Like, he’s the only man on the planet who can talk like Al Bundy, and then back it up with science. And then it’s like, “Oh, shit! I’m used to people like Al Bundy and Dick Masterson saying this shit, who just start shouting when people challenge them.” This guy sits there like a Canadian. You’ve never heard a Canadian trigger people.
Sean: Wow. Generally – you know, they have the stereotype of just being so polite, and…
Dick: And he is.
Sean: Yeah, I’m sure.
Dick: And he sits there and talks like a Canadian, and people are like, (unintelligible screaming.) They start losing their fucking minds and rephrasing what he’s saying.
Dick: And trying to embarrass him at every stage. He’s very educated man, and very interesting. He just talks about, um… He talks about, like, why there’s gender differences, and what we have in common with other species, and why most of the things we do are not – even consciences are unique to human beings.
Sean: Uh, that makes a lot of sense to me.
Dick: Which is poison for the ultra-progressive element of our society. You know, biological sciences is a division of science that many people would like to uninvent, because…
Sean: Very interesting that a lot of the people who champion science and reason and logic above everything only want part of that.
Sean: It – there are segments of that where they say “no, no, no, no, no. That’s, you know. That’s not okay.” (Big foul)
Dick: Yeah. Um… Anyway… I went out with Kian, and I forgot my wallet.
Sean: Oh, at a bar?
Dick: Just going out with another…
Sean: Oh, sorry. I assumed that you were at a bar.
Dick: We met a – yeah, we were at a bar. Don’t assume that we were…
Sean: At a library.
Dick: Yeah, we met at a library.
Dick: Uh… No, we went to a bar. A bar named “The Library.”
Sean: There is one. In San Louis Obispo. It’s a great place.
Dick: Dude, I didn’t have my wallet. It was maybe the most embarrassing thing…
Dick: … That’s happened to me that I can remember… of recent times. Like, I had…
Sean: Man, I want your priorities.
Dick: Sean, I felt like I had nothing in my pants.
Dick: Like, you don’t realize how many times you’ve reached for that power pack in your back pocket. Like, when people are getting sassy, or you even just want to give yourself a drink, or buy somebody else a drink, or pay somebody back for tickets that they bought…
Dick: … For Jordan Peterson, and you reach back and you just feel like a Ken Doll. Like, I’ve had nightmares where my Dick falls off, and this was more – having nothing! Nothing in the back pocket, like a chick. Like, this pocket is decorative to draw more attention to my ass. No wallet to speak of.
Dick: Nothing. It was… It was mortifying.
Dick: Here I am going to a seminar for a man telling men how to live their lives, and I don’t even have a wallet.
Kian: When you really fucked up is reminding me about that, because I forgotten that you didn’t pay for anything that night.
Dick: (sigh) I didn’t… I didn’t pay for anything.
Kian: Yeah. That’s alright. You’ll get me back in Portland.
Dick: And I felt…
Sean: Not without an invoice from you.
Kian: I’m gonna leave my wallet in the airport.
Dick: I felt sick about it. All night, Kian’s friend was there. He was – these guys were going rounds, buying all the rounds for me too, of course I’m drinking. I have to drink, it’s night time. I have that reverse gremlin disease.
Sean: Yeah. It’s not gonna stop.
Dick: Multiplying and turning into a monster if I don’t drink. I feel like I’m getting gangbanged by these 2 men, going back and forth, and running a train on me with buying me drinks. It’s disgusting.
Kian: I mean, you were the prettiest girl there.
Dick: That’s true.
Kian: You did have the nicest hair.
Dick: Thank you. Um… It was terrible though. Absolutely terrible experience. Alright, moving on. I’ve got a – I’m sorry about that, Kian. I’ve got a…
Sean: So, send him… You’ve gotta send him, uh… an invoice, or an estimate for how much you think you’re gonan spend in Portland, and then he can issue a purchase order.
Kian: To Diego.
Sean: And then, yeah, exactly. But, you need to get some of the money up front, so that you’ll have it when you’re there, so he doesn’t have to be embarrassed when you… When you say, “Hey, you gonna get me back?”
Dick: I don’t – Like, I… There was this thought in my mind, like, “Uh, maybe the phone could handle it. Like, maybe we’re at a point where I can tap the phone onto, like, a bartender’s forehead, and, figure this… and figure it out, and it didn’t work. The bartender got all pissed off.
Kian: You just kept hitting him, it was weird. Surprised he didn’t throw us out. Probably all the drinks we were buying.
Dick: You know what I did? I managed to get in. Because, my first thought was, “oh, well how am I going to get into this bar? I don’t have an ID.”
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: You could be a – you could be 105. You could look like the crypt keeper, and be wearing a civil war uniform and walk up to a bar, and some stupid 25-year-old will still say “Uh, sir, do you have an ID?” And, you’ll hold up, like, a big hearing cone, and they’ll repeat it.
Sean: Right. And bash them over the head with it until they’re dead.
Dick: I waited for Kian, because I didn’t want to try this by myself. So, we go in there. Kian goes in. Kian goes in, of course, like a man. Shows him his ID, no issues there. We all know. Then it’s my turn, and I say to the bartender, or the bouncer. He goes, “Oh, can I see some ID?” Not looking up, I say “Oh, yeah. I don’t have my… I don’t have my ID, dude. Can you just… Can you just let me in?” And he’s like, “Oh, sorry man.” He looks up at me, and I said “Hey, hey. I’m 40 years old.”
Dick: Okay. Just look at me in my face.
Sean: Have you ever seen an 18-year-old who needed booze this bad?
Dick: Look at my eyes, I’ve lived many times what you have Look at – and he goes, and he turns to security, and goes “Uh, is he really 40?” And I said, “No, look back at me. Don’t ever look…” I’m like, in Pulp Fiction. Keep looking at me, honey bunny. You keep looking at me. I said, “Hey, hey. Look at my chin. There is all grey like a wizard…
Dick: … Are you gonna – are you serious?” And he goes, “Ah, man, go in there. Just get out of here. You’re getting too weird.” Alright. I got some major blue balls, Sean.
Dick: Oh, I got the bluest balls that you’ve ever… They’re like 2 Smurfs… Down there.
Sean: I don’t think there’s any kind of an appropriate response.
Dick: I woke up, and my balls were in a cage, and Gargamel was kekling about how he was going to turn them into gold. Because they’re so blue.
Sean: Oh, yeah. That’s…
Sean: Because he was an alchemist. And then he wanted to eat them.
Dick: And then he wanted to eat them, because kids – because they condescended to children, thinking we didn’t understand that Smurfs were the secret ingredient to turning lead into gold, but we all knew. Um… You could film a Star Wars prequel of one of my balls, they’re so blue right now. They got nobody to listen to, my balls. That’s how blue they are. Did you get that one? The song blue? Daba de daba die. Because I’ve got nobody to listen to.
Kian: Eiffel65, it came out in, like, 1998, a real popular song for 2 weeks.
Sean: I’ve got… I’ve got all kinds of songs with blue in the titles stuck in my head, that’s not one of them.
Dick: Sean! Sean, Sean.
Dick: Picasso’s paintings between 1901 and 1904 are now named “Dick’s Balls Period.” Picasso’s Dick’s Balls Period. Did you get that one?
Sean: Yeah, I do.
Dick: Uh, here’s another art joke for you. Rembrandt, the famous painting, is now called “Dick’s Balls Boy.”
Sean: (laughing) Okay.
Dick: Dude, I got these – I got the nicest computer, fast as fuck computer.
Dick: All these parts.
Sean: I saw it.
Dick: Oh, I got all these parts, ordered from Newegg. I got – multiple Dickheads were giving me input on this beautiful machine for the streaming of this show. To upgrade the video stream for this show. I haven’t built a computer since college. There’s all kinds of new technologies in computering now. It’s like a – It’s like a sport now! Like, when I built my first computer, I had a wooden racket, Like Arthur Ash. Did he have a wooden racket?
Sean: I think he played the wooden racket days.
Dick: Yeah, with the trapezoid protector on it. That was me building my first computer. “Hey, ancients. Now we’ve got fucking… Roger Federer, with one arm bigger – one arm, like, that’s internet masturbating. That’s what I’m talking about.
Sean: He looks like a fucking lobster.
Dick: And I got all this BEAUTIFUL equipment. Beautiful, top of the line equipment. I’ve got a case that you can see into! You can see inside of it. It’s tempered glass! It’s silent!
Dick: It’s rated by many agencies, very expensive!
Dick: Spared no expense! This motherboard has racing stripes, and it’s so fast! The RAM looks like a toaster!
Sean: … Wow.
Dick: It’s… Hot! Hot RAM! It’s so fast, it looks like a toaster!
Dick: I got 12 fans for this! 12 silent fans! 12 fans for the new streaming computer! I’ve got a hard drive that looks like a chip! A computer chip.
Dick: It doesn’t even look like a drive anymore.
Dick: It’s just a chip that you put in!
Sean: Solid state.
Dick: Not even solid state, a chip! NME, they call it. (That’s still solid state)
Dick: I don’t know. I just ordered whatever the dickheads told me to get. One would refine it, and then I’d give it to a new one. Just like life. Yourself, you subject yourself to a new girl, and fix things up, and then she gives you the kick. “NO, YOU STILL GOT TOO MANY PROBLEMS, FIND ANOTHER ONE!” Alright.
Sean: “You do it TIL YOU’RE DEAD!”
Dick: Alright, alright. Okay, okay. I got all this beautiful equipment. Shipped next day, next day delivery. One tiny problem. A dickhead says, “Hey Dick, I saw your parts list. Uh, I actually got – I got the processor you’re looking for. This CPU, the main component of the computer. I got an extra one, I’m gonna send it to you – send it to you for a hookup.” John Bromley.
Dick: He does this in his spare time.
Sean: Some people give guns; some people give CPUs.
Dick: I said, “oh amazing. Awesome, awesome. Send it dude, thank you so much. Thank you for all your help.” So, he sends it. Somehow… Somehow, UPS fucks him with the most gigantic sending-of-things bill for, like, a week of delivery. It’s gonna get here in a week, so I’ve got all of this beautiful computer shit, just sitting in a fucking pile, taunting me and teasing me, while I wait for what seems like an eternity for the CPU to get here.
Sean: For the engine to get here.
Dick: For the engine to get here. For the main thing that you need – you can’t even start putting it together. Can’t even start! Because, the, you gotta make sure it gets in there! It’s driving me fucking crazy! It’s driving me fucking crazy! It’s like Christmas – It’s like an eternal trying to fall asleep on Christmas. I’m laying in bed every night, tossing and turning, thinking about CPUs, firing this thing up for the first time. And then it immediately errors out. Errors to death, because I didn’t do any of it right, and I sweated all over it… Just waiting for it to begin is driving me fucking crazy is why I have blue balls, I’m telling you.
Sean: Oh, got it. I can understand.
Dick: Can you really?
Dick: No, you can’t. Because you just have guitars, they all come together.
Sean: Yeah, they pretty much do.
Dick: It’s like, what if you got the most beautiful guitar, like, Robert Johnson’s guitar… Was that… Would that… Would you like that?
Sean: Well, I mean… It would kinds be, maybe the most collectable instrument of the 20th century.
Dick: Yeah. No strings. And they were sold out of strings everywhere in LA, and it was gonna take 2 weeks to get new strings. You’re just sitting there, with a stringless guitar. Maybe giving it a pat, to make, like, a (rhythm sounds) singing the music in your head.
Sean: Yelling into the sound hold to see how it resonates.
Dick: Yeah. Just pretending to be Robert Johnson.
Dick: Sitting there. That’s what’s happening to me right now. Okay. Um… Let’s see, what should we talk about this week? F1 banned grid girls, did you see that?
Sean: Uh, I did not.
Dick: Do you know what grid girls are?
Sean: Uh, I can imagine – I used to watch a decent amount of F1, but I never… Yeah. You’re talking racing?
Sean: Yeah. Um… Grid girls. So, they go out, because… In F1, you don’t start – you start from a starting grid, they start stationary, unlike, you know, Nascar or IRL, or anything like that.
Dick: Yeah. Hot chicks.
Sean: They’re like ring girls or whatever, right?
Dick: Yeah, but they’re more smartly dressed, I would say. Like, they’re not as scantily clad, and they’re advertised for companies. They’re wearing logos for the companies.
Dick: They’re serving a very important purpose of, you know, making the entire thing possible through advertising.
Sean: Yeah, well…
Sean: People don’t realize in this country, because we don’t watch a lot of, uh, F1. Um… It is the most lucrative sport, or was for many, many years. I remember when Tiger Woods signed, like, an unprecedented endorsement deal and everything. I think it was like, the contracts, when he turned pro, added up to like, 85-million dollars.
Sean: It said he’s gotta be the highest paid athlete for that year.
Sean: Not even close.
Dick: No, Schumach.
Sean: Michael Schumacher, 170-million dollars made the same year Tiger Woods turned pro. It’s unbelievable, the amount of money that’s in F1.
Dick: So, they’ve effectively banned – they’ve banned the cheerleaders from the sport. Maybe it’s a news blip, for everybody else. But it has made me so upset all week. This concept of… Of, um… Well… The intersection of feminism and Islamic fundamentalism. Western feminism, where you can’t have sexy women using what god gave them to advertise for you. What the hell are they supposed to do? They’re not hurting – It’s not even them that I’m worried about! It’s the guys. It’s these rich billionaires. So… The wanted to have a nice afternoon of racing, and pay some beautiful women to walk around, and just enjoy themselves. They spent their whole lives working and producing, now they just want to take it easy, and enjoy the great dream that our DNA promised us, which is that if you work yourself to death for every second of your life, and happen to luck into a fortune, you get to enjoy a couple nice things!
Dick: And they took it away from them!
Dick: They took it away – I’m standing up for the billionaires today.
Dick: They took it away from fucking them. No more! You can’t just hobnob, with beautiful women anymore, who are trading money for their sex appeal. Now they actually have to go trade sex for it! You understand what I’m talking about. Can no longer make money on the appeal. Now they just gotta actually work for it.
Dick: It’s uh… I can’t even put it to words, I’m so upset, because I wrote…
Sean: So, uh… What did the governing bodies of F1 say? Because it’s objectification, and we’re beyond that? A typical…
Dick: Yeah, typical.
Sean: Typical shit.
Dick: Typical shit.
Dick: It’s about time that we – it’s about time that we are in line with modern societal norms.
Dick: Yeah. There’s – which…
Kian: Defines those modern societal norms. I am pretty sure that the governing body of… The, uh, most highest grossing income sport in the world, as Sean said, is pretty far removed from normal – or modern societal norms.
Kian: I don’t think they’re allowed to say what the average man is doing in their spare time, or what the average guy believes.
Dick: You know what’s ducked up? I think that’s more – I think that’s more in line with our societal norms than anything else, because all of the work – every single thing that could be replaced by a robot, and it will be done, is going to push people into using and employing the only fucking thing that we have over the robots, which is sex appeal.
Kian: I mean, for not. Haven’t you seen the new sex robots coming out that’s driving Twitter angry?
Dick:You know what, they’re never gonna be good enough for me. They’re gonna have sex robot commercials in 20 years, and they’re gonna be like – I’m gonna be the Mikey of the life cereal of sex robots, which is me coming out of the room, dusting my hands off, giving my balls a sink bath, going, “Ah, I liked… No, give it to – give the sex robot to Dick, he never likes any – he never likes any of the sex bots.” And I’m like, “oh, I like that one.” And they’re like, “Oh my god, finally.” They finally got it knocked. Until then, it’s the only thing we have!
Kian: What about, like, the hot replicant from the original Blade Runner who was like, the acrobat.
Dick: Daryl Hannah? With the bar across her face?
Sean: Yeah, yeah. That was Daryl Hanna, yeah.
Kian: What if that was the quality of sex bots?
Dick: Way too scary.
Kian: We clearly had different upbringings.
Dick: Yeah. Do you like the lady gremlin too? I like the lady gremlin.
Sean: How do you feel about Bugs Bunny as a woman?
Dick: I’d rather fuck the lady gremlin than Daryl Hannah from Blade Runner.
Kian: We can both agree that Smurfette is the best out of all of them. Right?
Dick: No, she has no tits.
Kian: Okay. April O’Neil? I dunno.
Dick: Yes. April, I’ll take. Uh… Yeah.
Sean: Did you know, in the new Ninja Turtles, uh… April O’Neil is…
Dick: (interjects) Is trans?
Sean: …a 6-year old?... And black.
Dick: … What?
Sean: Yeah. I just found out about this this morning.
Sean: I dunno.
Kian: Look at the way you’re smiling, I think you’re making that up.
Sean: I’m not! I’m not.
Dick: What new Ninja Turtles, what are you talking about?
Sean: People are freaking out. I guess they’re making another Ninja Turtles. The 5th or 6th…
Dick: Do you know this – did you record some voices for it?
Sean: No. We’re not…
Dick: Can you?
Dick: If you do, can I sneak my lines in for the girl?
Dick: “Hey! Hey turtles! Ninja Turtles.”
Kian: You don’t want to, like…
Sean: I just like that a black 6-year-old has the last name O’Neil.
Dick: Oh, god… They didn’t even change her name?
Kian: Don’t you remember Patrice O’Neil, that great comedian? Rest in peace.
Sean: No. Did she have, like, an Irish father?
Kian: Yeah, maybe.
Dick: Hey, speaking of Irish…
Sean: Hey, it’s funny that you brought that up, because, like, that’s true, as far as I know.
Dick: Let’s go through – hold on. Uh, the gremlin, I’m yes on, you’re no on.
Dick: April O’Neil, yes?
Kian: Definitely a yes.
Dick: Sort of, right?
Kian: Yeah. Like if you just get rid of the weird face discoloration, sure.
Dick: Oh, on, that’s her best feature.
Kian: On Cheetara?
Dick: Is the weird face… discoloration.
Kian: Now I see why what’s-his-face treats you as a furry.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah. Anything’s normal if you don’t – if you think about it.
Kian: That’s a good point, yeah. I think it’s normal if you don’t think about it.
Dick: It’s… You know what else drives me insane about this F1 thins, is the attitude. I see people saying, “Oh, you know. They should have learned a skill.” Like, are you fucking kidding me? You learn a skill. Nobody knows any skills! What is this? What do you mean?
Kian: Napoleon Dynamite?
Dick: Yeah. What skills should they learn? Learn how to sew? Learn how to…
Kian: Be a good cook? Oh, that’s what they’re implying. I actually saw on…
Dick: (interjects) Learn how to align telescopes? What the fuck skill? I’ll have a bet – nobody learns skills! Get – never say it! Write it off the table! I will have a bet with the entire globe! If you learn a skill after 20, like after 21, soon as the drinking starts, if you learn a skill, I will give you 1-million dollars. And if you do not learn a skill after that point, you give me a dollar. I will win that – I will come out ahead in that world, because it never fucking happens, and it’s insane to suggest! The whole reason we had this nice thing, was to let these beautiful girls marry millionaires! Now, you just got a bunch of guys talking about their Dicks and cars! I fucking hate it! So what, we’re not allowed to have news babes anymore next? What are they coming for next? Are they coming into VR and taking all the sex out of that too? The second we get a working Oculus Rift that has a penis attachment, like “Oh, don’t worry. We also took out all the sexy ladies.” The penis attachment is just to simulate urinating. What the fuck?
Sean: Yeah. That doesn’t sound as farfetched to me as it seems.
Dick: No, we need 2 different virtual realities, not safe for women. We need 2 different ones. A strict, adherent – we need 2 different virtual reality worlds… (sigh) It’s the never-ending death by a thousand cuts, and it’s not just this.
Sean: Slow slicing.
Dick: Yeah, the Manchester Art Gallery removed a painting – let me bring this painting up so you guys can see it, so you know what I’m talking about. They removed this painting because the me-too – citing the me-too movement. They removed a classical artwork.
Dick: Okay. The Manchester Art Gallery takes down work by Waterhouse. This is the painting of Hylas and the Nymphs was taken down by the Manchester Art Gallery… Um.
Sean: Rather than educate people and saying that this is a work from a specific time, and it’s notable for these reasons, they just say, “Let’s just burn the books.”
Dick: Yeah, you know why? Because this painting about a bunch of nymphs luring a young man to his death is exactly what’s fucking with their sexuality. Right? “Hey, come on into this pond, dude. There’s 8 of us, right?” Tits are not so great either, in this painting. Uh… It’s the death by 1,000 cuts, and I really hate that it’s taking off again. And they’re perfect for each other. Fundamental Islam and western feminism. Absolutely perfect for each other. They both have the same god, and have the same… You know what? They fucking do. It’s the state. Both of their gods is the state. No matter what they say, you can’t have Islamic fundamentalism without a government to enforce it, and you can’t have western feminism without a government to fucking enforce it. Both of you – why don’t you both go to planet Fuckoff, and leave us alone.
Kian: It’s funny that we’re talking about this. Last night, I was out to dinner with my cousin who is from Mexico City, moved to Australia to get his college degree, ended up getting his PH.D, ended up being a professor…
Sean: That must be a fucked up accent.
Kian: Yeah, it really is. I was hoping that he could come in today, but he got so drunk off of Mai Tais and appletinis that he forgot. He’s gay, by the way…
Sean: I was just gonna ask!
Kian: Not a joke. He was really drinking Mai Tais and appletinis. And, he got so drunk that, at one point, he tried convincing me that Islam is a feminist religion.
Kian: Yeah, and…
Dick: So, I’m right?
Kian: I guess.
Dick: Fuck! See, this is what I’m talking about, that Jordan Peterson has all these stats, and I’m just shouting!
Sean: Was he doing it as, like, it’s a good thing?
Dick: Probably not for gays, no.
Sean: No, no, no. Was he saying that Islam is actually – I’m asking if feminism is positive in his mind, and…
Kian: (interjects) Yes. He was saying that Islam and feminism are compatible for promoting the rights of women, which I gotta say, I’m pretty sure that’s just statistically and factually inaccurate. It’s certifiably incorrect.
Dick: You know what’s compatible for promoting the rights of women? Deez nuts. I don’t know if you guys heard about that.
Sean: They’re blue!... They look like Smurfs.
Dick: 5,000 models in the US, that’s a stats for you. I looked that up.
Sean: 5,000 models.
Dick: All gonna be out of work. Yeah, these poor ladies…
Sean: Because of F1?
Dick: No, just in general.
Dick: Just 5,000 models, I don’t know, Sean. I looked at a Google.
Dick: Uh… But you know what the whole thing really made me sad? Because my – one of my favorite things to do, or what I remember most about going to the arcade as a id, or maybe even going to a bowling alley, maybe even catching a glimpse of it in the right bar, was the Ironman Ivan Stewart off-road arcade machine.
Sean: Yup! Bowling alley.
Dick: And, when the high scores came up, or when you would – the game was impossible to play.
Dick: I never finished a single race. I was terrible at it. Didn’t understand it at all. No one did. No one ever won that game. But when the high score list would come up, they would have those 3 beautiful colored – beautiful bikini – different color bikini…
Sean: (interjects) Oh, on the podium.
Dick: On the podium.
Dick: With the race car guy. And I remember seeing – I remember making up excuses to walk by that arcade machine. I didn’t even have an erection, or whatever. I was a kid. I don’t even know why. I was just like, “Man, I really gotta see what’s… I really gotta see what’s going on in that Ironman Ivan Stewart off-road credit screen again. What’s this feeling I’m feeling?” Right?
Sean: Isn’t that, like, 8-bit? It was 8-bit at the time, right?
Dick: It’s pixels.
Dick: It’s pixels.
Sean: Yeah, it’s – exactly. Do you get, like, a hard-on every time you see like, a set of blocks?
Dick: If it’s arranged correctly, yes, Sean. I’m gonna be fine in the apocalypse. I’ll just find some sexy rocks. You’re gonna be driving yourself nuts. Needing a real woman. Stupid.
Sean: I can’t dig drawings.
Dick: Oh, man. Yeah, I don’t know if I have anything else to say about that. I like that million-dollar bet. You learn a fucking skill, I’ll give you a million bucks. If you don’t, give me a buck. House wins. House always wins. Alright, I’m gonna play a song, when I got a little story to tell.
Kian: I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that this is a comedy podcast, and Dick will not actually give you a million bucks. Please, believe me, don’t sue him.
Dick: Yeah. 20-million. What’s another 380-million? What’s another million? Fuck it.
Kian: Good point.
Dick: Sue me on the moon for your million bucks.
Kian: All disputes will be adjudicated in the jurisdiction of Luna.
Dick: With that, uh… With Mac Tonight as the Judge.
Dick: That’s a dog whistle for all the white supremacists listening. Because he’s one of their mascots. And I did that on purpose.
Kian: I did not know that.
Dick: As a dog whistle. Dog whistles are impossible to detect, Sean, as I’ve just demonstrated. They’re always there, everyone always means them.
Sean: Got it.
Dick: Here we go, MyRoom Records, he’s going to be opening for us soon in Portland.
Dick: Road Rage Portland. By the way, the tickets are – they sold out in like a week.
Sean: uh… Yeah.
Dick: Which fucking sucks, because everybody waited.
Dick: A lot of people waited.
Sean: A lot of people… Hmm.
Dick: And now there’s – we’re really trying. I’m yelling at Diego, he says he’s calling places. The system is working.
Dick: But we’re just not – we haven’t found any more tickets, and we haven’t found a new venue that’s even possible.
Kian: Just rent out, like, a school auditorium, and put out a TV, and live=stream it, so they’re all just in one space, so they think they’re watching it.
Sean: Yeah. Well, it… Because, it’s really hard to tell how many people are able to show up at any given city.
Dick: We messed up, didn’t get enough seats.
Kian: So, how big is this venue?
Sean: This one’s pretty small, I think.
Dick: I gotta check… It’s smaller than Philly. Smaller than Chicago. Well, anyway, here’s MyRoom Records… With “Everything is a Rage.”
(Dick plays the song)
Dick: Alright, that’s enough of that. I’ve been doing this resistance band workout, courtesy of Jamie Lynn Hughes, who does these workout – you know the thing about working out? I only know like 3 or 4 exercises. A man’s workout is like his haircut. He got one haircut at one point in his life that somebody gave a compliment on, and that’s his haircut forever. Right? I did one workout around, like, college or puberty time, or whenever it is that I started working out, and then that’s my workout forever. And I’m instantly distrustful and upset if it’s challenged. So, um… As my body decays out from under me as I age and drink, I’ve decided to mix it up a little bit. So, Jamie’s got me on this resistance band thing. I’m like,, “Yeah, that’s for chicks, but I guess I’ll try it.” I’ve always looked at that resistance band shit – when somebody says that to me, I think to myself – I nod and smile, and I think, “why don’t you shut the fuck up? Why don’t you take those resistance bands, and take them to a pride parade, and shove ‘em up your ass? Why don’t you tow a big unicorn with those?” But, anyway, Jamie’s an expert, right? So, I’m doing these resistance band things, and it’s like, doing other exercises is constantly messing with your balls. Have you had that?
Kian: Please explain.
Dick: If you ever try to do a leg day, any leg day exercises are constant discomfort and torment on your testicles! The resistance band, pulling it up between your legs is always pinching and rubbering at them. Like, you spend most of your time concentrating, just trying to avoid these things guillotining your nuts as you’re trying to do it. And it’s made me realize how often my own balls fuck me over. Recently. Getting in the way, doing this leg extension exercises. Seems like, “Oh, just do it like this.” Yeah, but I can’t fucking do that, because my balls are in the way! So, find exercises that has amount of discomfort to your balls ratings before you bring them to me! This is a 5! Start there! One to 5, this is maximum ball mushing going on. Get it out!
Kian: Valid concern.
Dick: Always like, if it’s too cold, they’re always trying to – when you’re jerking off, they’re always trying to like, go up, in your body. Like a – you know, like a…
Sean: Burrowing animal.
Dick: Yeah. That’s what I was trying to – get the fuck out of here, het out of my body, balls! I’m trying to jerk off over here! I’m trying to get an nut here, not bury one. There’s an invisible squirrel, when you’re jerking off, trying to bury your nuts In your own body. Constantly fucking with me. Does that happen to you? Has this ever happened to you?
Dick: Jerking off and your balls go up into your body when it’s too cold.
Dick: This is only me?
Sean: No, it’s not.
Kian: If it happened to me, I dunno.
Sean: That’s why they do that. Because it’s like…
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean that’s why they do that.
Sean: Because they’re trying to maintain a certain temperature.
Dick: By what, going into my stomach?
Kian: Are you jacking off in the fridge? How does it get…
Dick: Usually I let it get very cold.
Kian: Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.
Sean: Well, look at him. He’s sweating.
Kian: I have an Eskimo fetish, so…
Sean: That’s why they move around. It’s temperature regulation.
Dick: I have a walk-in freezer. If I try to jerk off in normal temperatures, I melt. I pass out.
Dick: I’m like Rocky In there, beating the meat, but a different kind… Kian… I’m really pounding that, uh… God, my balls are really fucking with me this week. All these new exercises. I dunno. That’s just so you know.
Dick: Um, let’s see. I got a video of, uh… You remember how we were talking about kissing little boys on the lips last week?
Sean: Yeah, vaguely.
Kian: Talk about taking clips out of context.
Dick: Sean, do you remember how we were talking about – remember our Best Debate last week, about if you could kiss little boys on the lips – if dads should kiss their little boys on the lips.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: It’s disgusting, right?
Kian: It’s super disgusting, just the worst.
Dick: It’s super disgusting. Okay, so, as if it’s on cue. As if I’m conducting the entire…
Sean: I know what’s going on.
Dick: Have you seen this Tom Brady clip, where he kisses his – he makes his son kiss him on the lips, like a wedding kiss? I’ve seen wedding kisses… Here…
Sean: I just read the headline. An uncomfortable length of time.
Kian: You’re right, that is uncomfortable. I’m not gonna click, you just lost ad revenue.
Dick: This is uncomfortable is the understatement of the year.
Sean: Really? Wait, how old is his kid?
Dick: I’m a little – I think he’s like 11.
Dick: I want to play this news report. This is the best news – this is the best news of the year. I know that the Souper Bowl is just happening.
Sean: He is 11.
Dick: Yeah. With the new system, I’ll be able to play this on the stream, by the way.
Sean: I just think that – who’s the, uh. Who’s the actor in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Who, like, when he sees Ferris kiss…
Dick: Uh, what?
Sean: Jeffrey, or whatever.
Dick: Jeffrey Jones.
Sean: That’s how it is in their family. And then he turned out to be a pedophile!
Dick: Yeah… Well, he was a good Rooney, though.
Sean: Oh, the only Rooney.
Dick: Alright. Can you see the TV?
Dick: Where you’re at.
Sean: Yeah, pretty much.
(Dick tries to start the video)
Dick: I’m gonna rewind it. Okay, there.
(Dick tries to start the video again)
Dick: Just fucking rewind!
(Dick fails to start the video again)
Dick: Jesus Christ! Well, thanks, CBS. Fucking assholes!
(Dick still can’t play the video)
Sean: (laughing) Like romantic, long.
Dick: I don’t know why this is so fucked up…
Kian: They don’t have this on YouTube?
Dick: Gonna blow my fucking brains out. Alright. Yup. Good job, Kian.
Sean: What’s that Nas lyric, “I’m watching CBS, and I see BS.”
Dick: All gone next week. All of this is gone. All of this shit is gone. I’m gonna light it on fire, like Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Okay.
Jamie: Take it to the smash room.
Dick: Yeah, take it to the smash room. Here we go, here we go.
Sean: There’s no way that place is still open. The smash room. There had to be fucking...
Dick: What’s their rent?
Sean: I mean, there had to be some kind of lawyer or something getting involved, right?
Dick: Yeah. You can’t have that much fun.
Sean: No. You can’t have that much fun.
Dick: It’s – taking away our grid girls? We’re pushing forward with violence. Violence, yeah. Alright, you guys got it.
Kian: There’s a totally good basis for that.
Dick: Oh, what do you mean?
Kian: Uh… So, in a lot of societies, I was thinking specifically about the boxer rebellion in China, which happened in the 1800’s. In a lot of societies, there’s gender imbalance, like you have in China or India right now, and also in the past, specifically caused by either selective infanticide, or abortion of little girls, or of polygamy. You have a lot of unmarried young men who cannot get laid, right? So they have nothing to lose. So, they just get up in armed rebellion. That was a big spur of the Boxer Rebellion…
Dick: What’s the Boxer Rebellion?
Kian: Uh, in China…
Dick: With dogs?
Sean: Also known as Brue Balls. That’s the…
Kian: Oh, boy…
Dick: (laughing) The Brue Ball rebellion.
Kian: They actually called the, uh, these guys…
Dick: Kian, you can’t top a zing.
Kian: Alright. Okay. You’re right.
Sean: No, go ahead.
Kian: Uh, during the Boxer – it was this, uh, armed rebellion in China, where these guys believed that they could stop bullets with their hands, so, of course, they all died. But, they were…
Sean: Now how I saw that going.
Kian: Yeah. They’re stick men, meaning that they didn’t have anything covering their dicks, and that was the…
Dick: (interjects) Nice!
Kian: Yeah. So, uh…
Dick: They call those guys shirt-cockers, at Burning Man. Guys who just go around with shirts and no underpants, like Donald Duck.
Kian: That’s disgusting.
Sean: Yeah. Like Donald Duck.
Dick: Here you go. Here’s a – here’s Tom Brady kissing his son.
(Dick finally learns what is a YouTube)
Dick: He’s topless and laying on a massage bed.
Kian: Why would he do that?!
(Dick ends the video)
Dick: HE WIPED HIS MOUTH! Okay, so…
Sean: He said, “what do I get?”
Dick: So, the kid opens the door to Tom Brady’s…
Sean: Like it’s a regular thing. Like, “hey what do I get? I get a kiss, right?”
Sean: Like that’s… Yeah.
Dick: And the kid gives him a little peck, and leaves sheepishly, secretly wiping his mouth so that dad can’t see. Did you see that?
Sean: Yeah, I did.
Dick: I’m gonna play it again, there’s even more, Sean. There’s even more.
(Dick somehow repeats his previous success, and starts the video again)
Dick: Eh, they’re kissing!
(Tom Brady kisses his son)
Dick: (Dick laughs loudly)
Dick: Have you ever seen…
Sean: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! I was just gonna say…
Dick: Oh, my god. Can you believe that?
Sean: It’s just – it’s just strange.
Kian: No, it’s wrong.
Sean: It’s just strange.
Kian: I am comfortable saying that it is wrong. Not just strange.
Dick: The kid knows it’s wrong, that’s the key part.
Sean: He doesn’t want to do it, yeah.
Dick: The kid wipes his – grotesquely wipes his face off, and he’s not gonna, like, kids are assholes who are embarrassed by their parents, but he’s not gonna get older and say, “Wow, I wish I would have bene more appreciative of dad taking me to the movies.” He’s gonna get older and say, “Hey! If you kiss me on the lips – Like, if you make me kiss you on the lips to get something, I’ll put you in the fucking ground, Tom Brady. I don’t care how many Souper Bowl rings you got, they’re going to the fucking pawn shop if you do that again in front of my wife!”
Kian: At the same time, Tom Brady has the greatest motivator over him, right? “Alright, I guess you don’t want this 100-million-dollar inheritance that’s coming your way.”
Dick: Oh, god! It makes me want to throw up! And that the masseuse is sitting there saying, “Oh, everything comes at a price.”
(Someone’s choking in the background)
Sean: (Sean has a stroke) He’s some like – drunken…
Kian: Yeah, there’s the real criminal, the masseuse.
Sean: He’s some, like, drunken, heathenistic, like, it’s just like, “What do I get?” Like, he can’t even be bothered to rise his voice enough to like, get the kid like, you know… Like, “Hey! What do I get, buddy?”
Dick: Oh, god. I hope they lose I can’t support this!
Kian: Oh, are they playing?
Dick: Tomorrow, yeah. It’s the Pats and the Eagles.
Kian: Oh, yeah. I hope he gets a dis… I mean, I’m not gonna say that. I hope they lose. That’s all I’m gonna say.
Dick: … Yeah.
Dick: I hope they hijack another plane and fly it right into him for this shit.
Kian: Not the stadium, but just him.
Dick: Just him, and all the linemen are in on it, like, beep beep beep, and they run, and Tom Brady gets the ball, and there’s just, like, some suicide guy, like, “Lalalalala” right into his ass.
Sean: I want to see the reply from Payton Manning and Papa John.
Dick: I gotta watch it again, it’s too disgusting.
(Dick’s got this now! He starts the video again)
Sean: “What do I get? What do I get?”
Dick: Oh!... God!...
(Dick ends the video)
Dick: I told women that when I’m making them suck my Dick! Give it a taste! Give it a kiss! Oh, that was like a little peck. I’m TALKING ABOUT MY COCK!
Sean: And he turns around. You could see him go, “(sigh) this again. The hoops I have to go through to check my fucking fantasy picks!”
Sean: They probably found out they didn’t start him that week. You know?
Dick: Oh, and he’s all half-naked, and old.
Kian: Look at the look on that kid’s face as he’s walking by. Dick has paused the video.
Sean: He knows there’s cameras there, and he’s like, “The shit I’m gonna catch.”
Kian: His eyebrows are furloughed in…
Kian: Disapproval and disgust. Just, discomfort.
Dick: Oh, yeah. That’s definitely… Aw, fuck. I don’t want to have to do this.
Kian: And it’s more than just “Ah, I don’t want to have to clean my room.” That’s like, “This is actually something I do not want.”
Dick: Well, it’s either this or ass rape. I guess I’ll take the kiss on TV in front of another man.
Sean: But the devil’s advocate argument in this is that, “Oh, no. That’s just your own issues.” You know, that’s what’s going on.
Dick: This motherfucker’s disgusted. This kid is disgusted.
Sean: I’m with you!
Sean: It’s just – it’s just bizarre, and weird, and… I don’t know. I don’t know how… I don’t know. I don’t know how you deal with… If he does nothing else than that, is there something wrong with him?
Dick: Yeah. Like, yeah.
Sean: But why?
Dick: Because you’re making your kid feel molested. Like, that’s not a feeling that a kid should have.
Sean: No! But, if society wasn’t – if most people didn’t feel this way – if it existed in a vacuum, why is that wrong?
Dick: Okay, ley me get Jordan Peterson on here.
Sean: I know it’s weird! It’s the whole, like, can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it.
Dick: Because! Because it’s in out DNA to excise poisonous mutation DNA like Tom Brady has, and kisses little boys and does weird things. It’s in our DNA to excise that so that we can be healthy as a herd. The concept of a meta evolution, where we can identify gross stuff – and the child, in this case, is the identifier.
Dick: He’s like, “Boom, dad. Your mutation – you got the football mutation, but you also got this weird kissing boys mutation.”
Sean: But is it because of how he’s grown up around other boys whose dads don’t do that, all that kind of stuff. What I’m saying is – is there a culture on this earth where that is acceptable?
Dick: Okay. Imagine your dad kissing you on the mouth. Is it culture or is it just the smell of your dad?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: Holding your nose and your brain.
Sean: I don’t know. My family wasn’t like that.
Dick: My hand soap reminded me of my dad, and it made me want to puke.
Sean: Yeah, yeah. You said that.
Dick: And I love my dad, but I don’t want to smell him up in my nose.
Sean: Yeah. It’s interesting. People don’t do that. People don’t do that now.
Sean: And I don’t know if – I don’t know if they ever did, I don’t know if they do anywhere, and that’s acceptable. It’s not something I would do.
Kian: Do we know how CBS got ahold of this?
Dick: That was his documentary!
Kian: Why did he think that was a good idea to show everybody? How far removed from reality are professional multi-millionaire NBA players?
Dick: Look, that shit’s not happening in the XFL, I can tell you that already. There’s no way that…
Kian: Getting kicked right out. Bring back the USFL performance clause. Morality clause, in the contract.
Dick: Let me see what else I got here. I probably got another song I want to play while I look for stuff. I gotta talk about my sister being a coach of a tee-ball team too. I don’t know if you call it – Is a woman a coach? Do you call it a coach still, or is it a teacher? How do you call it when…
Dick: Yeah, she’s – my sister is the coach of the Irishmen’s first tee-ball team.
Sean: Oh boy.
Dick: Oh yeah. Oh boy. Your mom is your coach for tee-ball. (laughing) God!
Sean: She played softball at the highest level there is.
Dick: Yeah, but, you know, your mom is the coach of your tee-ball team.
Sean: But I know how she is. Because she’s kind of like your dad too. Like, she’s fucking serious.
Dick: Oh, she’s extremely competent.
Sean: Oh yeah. And she’s serious.
Dick: Oh, she’s very serious.
Dick: It’s just funny though.
Sean: It’s not for fucking fun. This is, you know…
Dick: I’m gonna get a time machine, and go back in time, and keep his parents from getting together, like a reverse Back to the Future, to prevent this emasculating humiliation from occurring. Uh… So she was a – Oh, I’ll play the song first.
Dick: This is from Fettboy. It’s “What is a Microphone?” he’s calling it.
(Dick starts the song)
Sean: This is cool. This is cool.
Dick: Yeah… Alright, alright. You know what, I’ll talk about my sister being a tee-ball coach next week. She had an immediate altercation.
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kian: With the 5-year-olds?
Dick: No, with other coaches.
Dick: You know – these fucking little league coaches – I’ll talk about it next week. Uh, let me see here. I got a Bill Guy question. Let me play that…
(Dick starts a song)
Dick: Do I have too many sound effects now? Is this turning into a Maddox show?
Sean: No, because it’s good.
Dick: Did you see MadCucks is doing MadCucks news?
Sean: That’s so great.
Dick: The production quality is better than – I mean, Maddox is wearing what might be a small T-shirt. Like, a brand new, (song ends) unwashed T-shirt in his Maddox news program that he does on Friday nights.
Dick: And it looks like – it looks like he’s got abs of fat. Like, it looks disgusting. He’s shaped like a condom, where the reservoir tip is, like, his head, like, full of splooge, but the rest of his body is packed into these shirts. The motherfucker owns a T-shirt store, and he can’t get a shirt that fits him! It looks revolting, let me pull up a picture of it. Just so you can see how disgusting it is.
Sean: Like a sausage casing.
Dick: Yeah, a sausage of failure.
Dick: Look at how tight this shirt is! Why is this shirt – have you ever seen a shirt this tight around such saggy looking arms? And it’s obviously new.
Dick: And hip. That is way too tight of a shirt. If the skin wasn’t already bad – If the body wasn’t already a train wreck, the shirt is making it worse. Alright, anyway, gonna get MadCucks in to talk about his, uh, here’s the question for Bill Guy. Here’s an engineering question for you, Bill Guy. Why are bathroom ventilation fans in the ceiling, instead of the toilet? That’s an excellent question, because we obviously have the technology to put ventilation inside the toilet. Did you know this? That the toilet, the reason there’s water in the toilet, is because it keeps sewer gas smells from coming into the house. Did you know that?
Sean: Yeah. I did.
Dick: No, you didn’t.
Sean: I think it’s the same reason why the P-trap is shaped the way it is. In a sink. So that, like, smelly-ass…
Sean: … Water and stuff doesn’t…
Dick: I found that out recently, isn’t that interesting? Never thought of why the water was in there.
Dick: The very simple answer is that everyone wants to smell what their poop tastes like – or, smells like. Not tastes like. Everyone wants to smell their own poop.
Sean: Yeah. They pull it up, right past your face.
Dick: Yeah. You put in tiny little fans. They’re tiny little fans. Actually, it’s not even a fan in a bathroom. You never pull the grate off to see, it’s just a noise maker that makes a fan sound, so that you can tell your wife you have a fan in the bathroom. But when you turn it on, it doesn’t do anything. It’s for you, it’s for your pleasure. It’s for your enjoyment of the bathroom.
Sean: I enjoy it with that in mind.
Dick: Exactly. This has been bill guy.
(Bill Guy riff plays)
(Dick and Sean are talking, but the Bill Guy song is too loud to hear them)
Dick: Okay. You remember the guy who wrote in, saying he… He couldn’t cum while he was having sex?
Dick: We had a guy write in about jerking off. Um, making a throwaway just to be safe, because personal stuff.
“I’m a hopeless virgin in my 20’s, kinda worried about I’ll have this problem if I’m ever able to convince a girl to fuck me. When I was going through puberty, and learning how to jerk off, I learned it in a terrible way, where I basically lay on my front, and hump the base of the shaft into my wrist.”
Kian: That sounds painful.
Dick: That sounds terrible.
“For some reason, putting pressure there was the most sensitive area, so that’s what I just always did. I looked it up, and apparently it’s called masturbating prone, and you’re not supposed to do it like that for this specific reason, and any time I try the normal way, I just rub forever and don’t make any progress, and eventually give up, and do it the stupid way.”
Dick: That’s very sad.
Sean: Oh, man.
“Silver lining is, on the few occasions I’ve been able to go a few days without jacking it, I was able to get off from the regular jerk motion, but I always immediately slipped back into doing it the stupid way”
Dick: Of humping his wrist, I guess?
“So, I don’t think it’s too tale for me to stop. I think I’ll try to take Dick’s advice and take a break from jerking off for now.”
Sean: Yeah. Well that sounds like job number 1.
Dick: You know, some things don’t need to be innovated. I think jerking off is – you don’t need to be doing it in a weird humping of the wrist way. Even if it feels better. A lot of things feel better, but you don’t need to do them, because they’re very dangerous for you. Which apparently, this is. Uh, Alec.
“I work for a tiny house construction company in New Zealand.”
Dick: I had mentioned tiny houses on the bonus episode.
Sean: That’s where all the hobbits live.
Dick: Yeah, it is. It’s true. A tiny house person would look at that and think it’s a mansion.
“Tiny house people are like CrossFit people, or vegans, except they’re gatekeepers. They’re not the type of people we want in a tiny house community.” Is a sentence I’ve heard many times.
Dick: Um… Well… Build all those tiny houses in New Zealand, and just float it off into the ocean, I guess. Uh… Observer CerberusFire writes, I was talking about how content is ruining the internet last week.
“I tried to look up “how did Band-Aids get their color” for a school project, and all I got was how it was a racist color.”
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Kian: Of course.
“Go try to find the answer and tell me if you’re just disgusted with the well of misinformation and idiocy that exists on the internet. Still never found the answer.”
Sean: I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised. I know – I can remember them marketing different colored Band-Aids. Uh, darker Band-Aids.
Dick: Oh, really? Like, for black people?
Sean: Yeah, to blend in, yeah.
Dick: They should do that every black history month. Band-Aid should go on a… It’s black history month!
Sean: I know.
Dick: There’s nothing wrong with making a big deal about making your product accessible to a more diverse society. Right?
Kian: Yeah. I see nothing objectional about it.
Dick: We’ve got Band-Aids, um, we’ve got Band-Aids for black people, and it’s got a couple in there, in case your hands get cut. So, you’ve got the – the one color. And then, the normal ones. Actually, it would be ghost white, I guess… That’s not funny. I’ll read one more. I’ll read one more. What are we at? We’ll do some voicemails.
Sean: Like 67 minutes. Hasn’t been going that long.
Dick: Officer Dickhead.
“Officer Dickhead here. I’m very surprised that neither you nor Sean saw the glaringly obvious problem with police body cams: They don’t fucking work.”
“Because nothing works. Their battery life sucks. Maybe 4 hours. They’re uncomfortable, the size of a smart phone, right under your sternum, under your body armor, looking through a little hole, because if they were anywhere else, drunks would break them during arrests.”
“They never capture anything useful. If I put my hands up in a boxing stance, or draw my handgun, the view is almost completely obstructed. The audio quality is shit, and the data gets corrupted like 80% of the time.”
Dick: Oh, okay. A suspect just fell down some stairs, and my thing got a magnet put over it.
Sean: Yeah, yeah. Well, that’s throwing the baby out with the bath water. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea.
Kian: I mean, as a criminal defense attorney, I’d have to disagree. I find useful stuff on that all the time, from my perspective. Also, I see a lot of the times, that the arresting officer gets a lot of real useful information. Because, a lot of…
Sean: That’s what I would think.
Kian: Right. A lot of the time, what you’re looking for is audio, because a lot of the dispute comes up with, “No, I didn’t actually say that. No, that’s ridiculous, I wasn’t actually there. No, I wasn’t read my Miranda rights.” That kind of thing. And the police will say one thing, the suspect will say another thing, and, if I can get body cam footage, then that definitely clears up what happened. I had this one case where the cop said, “Oh, yeah. Then this guy just spontaneously confessed to everything.” And my client was like, “No, that’s ridiculous. They were questioning me. They never asked me my Miranda rights, and I didn’t actually say what they’re saying I said.” And, so, we got the body cam footage, and it turns out, yeah, he was definitely under arrest, even though they told him that he wasn’t under arrest, because, whether you’re under arrest is a factual question, as I’m sure Officer Dickhead knows. They were going through a warehouse where my guy worked, with guns drawn, 4 cops. They saw him, shouted on him to get on his kneed and put his hands on his head, they walked over, they handcuffed him, dragged him outside, had him stand against a wall, and started asking questions. But, before they asked him questions, they said, “You’re not under arrest, we’re just going to detain you for a little bit.”
Kian: Right. So, of course, they needed to give him his Miranda rights, and they didn’t. They said in the police report, “oh, and by the way, he confessed to doing all of this.” And, on the video, you could see him saying, “No, I just work here, man. I’m not involved in this burglary at all.”
Kian: I disagree. I like the fact that there are body cams. And, a lot of the time, you know, I have cases where my client will insist that he’s totally innocent, and so, I’ll get the body cam footage, and it’s terrible for him!
Kian: It actually makes – it actually makes the offer worse, when we get the body cam footage.
Dick: Fucking data. What about just audio? I think that would make court a lot more fun. Like, f it was just audio recordings, and you could go, like – Well, it could have been. It could be like that Seinfeld episode where it’s like a *squink*, and then he says something.
Kian: I mean, some officers do just wear body mics. It’s less common now, that LAPD in specific, has issued body cams to, I’m pretty sure all field officers.
Sean: Yeah. Don’t be stupid. Put the body cam on there. Those aren’t points.
“Personally, I don’t mind wearing a camera, because I make little quips when I talk to assholes.”
“That they don’t understand, but when the video gets played in court, the judge kind of smirks.”
Dick: He’s just thinking, “He’s gotta go to work. He’s enjoying himself.”
“The delayed burn, if you will. I do, however, understand how a ultra-litigious dystopia, like LA or New York, cops would be less accepting.”
Dick: I want this guy to call in. This Officer Dickhead guy.
“Anyways, great show, keep it up. I’d love to call in sometime. If you ever want to talk about cop stuff and how frustrating it is…”
Sean: Yeah! Totally!
“to teach basic civics to grown men, who threaten to kill you for asking them to stop urinating.”
Sean: And make no mistake, cops deal with fucking assholes every day.
Dick: Then deal with Coach. I can’t deal with him.
Sean: No… Yeah. Yeah, it’s…
Dick: Oh, alright. Let me see here. Let’s do voicemails. Not very long, is it?
Sean: This show?
Dick: Alright. We’ll do enough voicemails. Alright everybody, thanks for listening! This has been The Dick Show! Go to Dick.Show. Patreon.com/thedickshow for video. I’ve been doing transcriptions lately.
Dick: Yeah, I did a transcription of the last episode. I posted the audio, like, right after we did it. I posted – I bounced the audio down. Sent to them, without Sean edits, even, saying” “Here you go, I need this.” Boom! 2-day turnaround. They’re like, “absolutely, 2-day turnaround certain, no problem.” I get it back, and it is – they named all the speakers – they named all the speakers… Uh, like, speaker 1, speaker 2, and then it changed every, like 2 pages, they swapped the names.
Sean: Oh, no!
Dick: So, Lettuce Jones would be speaker 1 then, or you would be speaker 1. And I said, “What the hell is the deal? What is this? What did you do to my…”
Sean: This isn’t scenes, you know.
Dick: You gotta – what happened to this transcript? Can you guys not tell us apart? They said, “Oh, sir. To get it to you on time, we split it up among multiple transcribers, who all obviously had their own naming system.”
Sean: Their own speaker 1, and their own speaker 2.
Dick: I said, “Okay, just send me the raw things, and I can at least put it together and get it out, even though I’m basically doing your job for you now.” “Sir, we can’t do that. That’s against our policy.” WHAT GOOD IS THIS THEN?! I’ve got a 3-hour transcript of random names!
Sean: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: “Sir, we understand, we’ll give you half your money back.” Alright, well, I’m using the rest of that money to take a bus to where you are to kick your ass. How’s that sound? Alright, anyway, this is…
Kian: I think my favorite part about that is that multiple people got paid to listen to The Dick Show.
Kian: And they still fucked up.
Dick: And they’re listening to a shot about fuck ups, and everybody fucking up while they’re simultaneously fucking up.
Dick: Like cows. Uhg! Okay, this is from Anthony Charles Cordero Esquires, called “When the Lawsuit Implodes.” Very good. Wonderful song. This has been The Dick Show, C U Next Tuesday.
(Dick plays the song)
Sean: Like a drunk Paul Simon.
Dick: The lolsuit cost me 5 grand.
Sean: It’s like Caribbean, with a Bo Diddley beat.
“M3ntal Jess, she said to me. Let’s get involved with cuckoldry.”
(Dick and Sean laugh)
Sean: I love this. I love this so much!
“My brain just left the planet earth.”
(Sean laughs vigorously)
Dick: Nick Rekieta found out that Maddox’s lawyer has a bunch of – has been involved with a bunch of criminal court cases against him. Like, The people v. Kevin Landau, there’s a couple of them.
Sean: Dogs v. Kevin Landau. Dog patrol: class action suit. In half of them, he can’t eat.
(Dick ends the song)
Dick: Alright, alright, alright. You know, I forgot to read out of this book.
Sean: That was great.
Dick: It was great. That was Anthony Charles Esquire. I started reading out of this step-by-step guide to overcoming explosive anger.
Dick: The rage book that I’m honestly (Dick is speaking too quickly and quietly)
Dick: Um… “Are you a sudden rager” was the page I opened up to. You have to identify what kind of a rage you are in this book. Um… “Does my anger come on both very quickly and very intensely?” This is it. This is a question. Let me see who’s… Let me keep track of who’s here. Uh, Kian, what would you say? You can answer dishonestly, it’s okay. You’re not under oath.
Kian: In that case, no.
Dick: Okay, no. Sean, what would you say?
Sean: Does your anger come on very suddenly?
Sean: Oh, mine:
Dick: Okay, yes. I’m obviously no. Uh… Do I get so angry that I lose control? I put yes. Do I get so angry that I lose control over what I say or do? Kian, you’re obviously a no.
Kian: Oh, yeah.
Dick: I can’t see you losing control of anything, ever. Sean?
Sean: Not anymore.
Dick: (laughing) Alright. Losing control of what I ay or do? I don’t think so.
Dick: I think that’s a no for me too. Do people say I act strange, scary, or crazy when I get really mad? Obviously, I’m a yes to that. Sean?
Sean: Again, not anymore.
Dick: I don’t know. That episode – remember when all those girls were here, and something fucked up, and you deleted like, the first…
Sean: Okay! Then yes.
Dick: Yeah, that was scary.
Dick: Everyone was scared.
Sean: Alright, sure.
Dick: Yeah. You mean not in the last couple months, you’re fine.
Dick: Yeah. Kian?
Kian: I have gotten that before.
Dick: Okay, yeah. That’s just because of your size.
Kian: Yeah, pretty much.
Dick: It has nothing to do with your – what you’re saying or doing.
Kian: That’s sweet of you to say.
Dick: Have I blacked out, not from alcohol or drugs, when I become very angry? So, I do not remember things. Basically, are you an Incredible Hulk?
Dick: Have you ever experienced it?
Sean: Is that a thing? I thought that was a bogus defense.
Dick: Yeah. Are you a liar, is this question. Obviously, no, that’s not a real thing. Kian, have you ever turned into a werewolf when you got so mad.
Kian: I didn’t even have… Not…
Dick and Sean: You blacked out?
Kian: From alcohol, yes.
Dick: No, it says specifically “not from alcohol or drugs.”
Sean: Yeah. Why don’t you LISTEN TO THE FUCKING QUESTION!? FUCK!
Kian: You’re scaring me, Sean.
Dick: Do I get so angry that I worry I might seriously harm or kill someone? I’m not angry when I’m afraid I’ll do that. So, no. Sean?
Sean: What? Oh.
Dick: That you might harm or kill someone when you’re so angry.
Sean: When I’m so angry?
Sean: Am I honestly scared to do it?
Dick: A little case of the worrywart’s.
Sean: Uh… No, because I don’t think I would be worried. That’s the most honest thing I did on this show, ever.
Dick: Okay. Kian? That’s a no, definitely.
Kian: Yeah. Worry about hurting people’s feelings, I guess.
Dick: That’s 3 no’s, we’re all the same. Do I feel like I become a different person when I’m angry, as if I’m not really myself? I feel like myself when I’m angry. So, no. Sean?
Sean: No. I know that’s a part of me, I know very well.
Dick: (laughing) I don’t think we’re doing the survey right. Kian?
Sean: Like a different person, or you aren’t yourself? No.
Dick :I feel really alive when I’m really laying into somebody big time on – like, I want them to fuck with me. I was taking back – my brother in-law got me wireless Beats headphones for Christmas, and a gift receipt, because they know that’s my favorite gift, is a gift receipt.
Dick: I took it back, and on the way there, I was like, “I know. I’m ramping myself up like a viking berserker, hitting myself in the face, going, I fucking know this isn’t gonna be easy!”
Dick: Getting all ramped up! Like, oh yeah, I’m really gonna really fuck – I’m focusing my power and my chi, and I’m gonna hammer whoever makes the fuckup of “sorry sir, this is 31 days – you can only exchange it in 30 days.” You’re gonna get the force of the mighty Dickissippi River on them! The woman rings it up, this little girl. She goes, um, -- I say, “Here you go, I’d like store credit, because I want to get an iPad with this.” Just give everybody a because, no matter what, even if the because is because I want it.
Dick: People are – in the brains, are conditioned to do things if there’s a because attached.
Sean: That’s good.
Dick: Even if it…
Sean: Because they’re going to get something back.
Dick: Can you give me your Coke, because I want the Coke. They will still – it will still work. It’s a studied short-circuit in the human brain. She goes, looks at it, looks down at her little screen, I’m like, “Oh, here it comes. Here it comes, you bitch.” My eyes go white, and she goes, “Mmm, one second.” And she turns around and goes, “Can I get a manager override here?” I was like, “… Oh. Oh, well I guess, uh… I guess I’ll have to think about my life a little bit.”
Sean: Yeah, you’re all – you’re ramping up.
Dick: I got blue balled.
Kian: Not today, rage. Not today.
Dick: Go back in the cage.
Kian: Gonna have to go to McDonald’s then, fuck up a Coke order.
Dick: WHO’S FUCKED SOMETHING UP IN THE STORE?! YOU! Just, point secretly to your wife or husband if they fuck something up, just give me a little (dick makes a buzzing sound), around the head, around the back. Ah, this guy fucked something up! They’re gettin’ it! Un… Do I become instantaneously furious when I feel that someone has insulted or threatened me? Oh, yeah. You?
Dick: Yes, Kian?
Kian: Threatened, yeah.
Dick: Yes, threatened. Of course, that’s healthy. Do I snap, even for a short period when I get angry? It’s not a short period, no. It’s very protracted.
Sean: You mean, like, snap at someone?
Dick: I don’t know, it doesn’t say.
Sean: Yeah, I’ll do that.
Dick: Yeah? Okay. Kian?
Dick: No. Alright. So, I got: 1, 2, 3 out of – 3 out of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 , 7, 8. 3 out of 8. Sean, you got 1, 2, 3, 4 out of 8. You’re more of a rage than me. Kian, you only got 2 out of 8. That means you are ¼ of a man. How’s that feel? Alright, that’s the IRC guys, sent that little present in. I got another present, Luscous sent in a delicious Dickel whiskey. Go to Dickels.lol. Cash in your Dickels if you want them.
“Your story about sending the enterprise liquor to nick reminded me to send you this bottle. Enclosed is a bottle of $100 Dickel Select Barrel. However, Alabama is an alcohol beverage control state, so on occasion, the government-run liquor store accidentally mislabels their liquor.”
I think you’re saying you stole it, so I’ll stop reading it on the air. And then, somebody sent me – wasit, whose – big bear? Who sent – oh fuck. Somebody sent this awesome chia Trump.
Sean: Look at that.
Dick: Look at this. I’ve killed everything I’ve ever tried to grow. I’ll actually try to tend to this.
Dick: Beautiful Trump hair with a chia seeds, and full growth in one to two weeks.
Dick: Doesn’t indicate when America will be great again, but it does say when the hair will come in. Alright, thanks man. I think that was him. It comes with these little Amazon things, where you gotta go to a URL to see who sent it to you.
Dick: Can’t you just print it on the fucking thing? I gotta go to your website? I gotta be reminded of your…
Sean: That’s weird.
Dick: Okay, let’s play some Facebook news.
Kian: I love this skit.
Dick: Me too.
Kian: This is my favorite skit.
(Dick starts Facebook News)
(Dick stops Facebook news)
Dick: Hold on, Jamie’s trying to signal me. What’s up? OH MY GOD! AND RANDY? Randy fucking painted this!
Sean: It’s really amazing.
Dick: This rage tea party with Sean, and me, and Asterios. A very unflattering picture of Asterios.
Kian: Wasn’t it supposed to be a secret?
Dick: Was it? A guy… Oh. Alright. That was supposed to be a secret. How’s that a secret?
Sean: So, you’re Captain Hook, right?
Dick: Somebody painted that there.
Sean: He’s the mad hatter.
Dick: Randy’s, uh… Johnson. The pitcher. The big unit painted that.
Jamie: Randy’s talking about how he didn’t tell you at first.
Dick: Are you talking about?... I dunno, Kian usually knows what he’s talking about.
Kian: I dunno. That’s a…
Dick: Why would somebody keep this talent a secret?
Kian: That’s a very good question.
Sean: Well, he’s – he doesn’t – he’s very quiet. Like, he doesn’t volunteer things. You know, like it’s…
Dick: They’re shifty people, the Japanese. With their sneaky attacks, and sneaky gifts as well.
Sean: Sneaky heart attacks.
Dick: Live and die by the sword, I think that’s one of their mottos.
Dick: The sneak. Alright, let’s just do – I don’t want to talk – now it’s weird… No, I’m joking.
Kian: Can people see that picture of Asterios anyway, because it’s really excellent?
Sean: Yeah, it’s pretty great.
Dick: There it is on the video stream.
Dick: Yeah. That’s awesome. Alright. Facebook news.
(Dick starts the skit again)
Cpt. Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. Aforementioned Facebook group news potential stalker, Lizzy, asked dickheads for advice. Lizzy wanted to know how to sneak weed through an airport. Dickheads recall tales of accidentally getting machine gun ammo onto a flight, and Jonny Olsen, who you may remember from using fraudulent papers to get a job, with all the tales of being blacked out on Zanex and having dope in his pocket. It’s also worth mentioning that Jonny was on a flight to Miami for rehab when this happened. Other suggestions included: taking edibles with you, storing the class-A drug in the check luggage, because check luggage is, of course, less scrutinized, and not doing at all. Dickheads who suggested to not even try it were chastised by fellow members and called gay.
Dick: Yeah, pussies.
Cpt. Jackass: (Could not hear), who posted a rage that explained how the temporary receptionist, at his job with a straight face, asked him, “Where is the internet? Is that a computer?” (Dick’s laugh) Later on, on January 31, Mike posts again, saying how he almost fought a client, because he called the receptionist a cunt. The receptionist went to the bathroom and cried, despite her being dumb as shit, Mike stood up for the receptionist. The client’s account will likely be closed, because of non-payments, not because of the altercation. Lastly, Dickheads were asked to share the most fucked up thing your parents have ever told you.
Cpt. Jackass: Todd’s dad pointed a 9mm at his face on his birthday. (Dick’s laugh) got pissed off when a pocket knife dug into his knuckles, because the concrete blocks were getting ruined by his blood. (Dick’s laugh) wishing they had got an abortion, and Alex’s mom tried choking him to death. This has been the Facebook group news for the last couple of days.
(The skit ends)
Dick: Oh, man. Oh, I feel for both the dad and son in that scenario.
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: You fucked around the pocket knife, now you’re getting blood all over my concrete. Brand new concrete, you fucking ruined it.
Sean: It’s hard to get shit off of concrete.
Dick: And especially your new concrete, man. Oh, after paying for a concrete – you don’t understand…
Sean: Concrete’s expensive.
Dick: It’s expensive, and it takes craftsmanship. You know?
Dick: Kids don’t understand. Concrete and fruit. You don’t understand how hard it is to keep fruit in the house until you have to buy it. Because it rots immediately.
Sean: Uh, much better audio, by the way, this week.
Dick: He bought a new microphone.
Sean: Sounds much better.
Dick: He bought a new microphone. Uh, god, that’s my favorite thing in the world, the Facebook news. Sneaking weed onto a plane.
Kian: I have to… As a member of the California state, I am required to tell you, please do not do that. That is a crime, you are going to get caught.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Okay. I’ve heard guys just put it in their underpants. Well… There you go. She should call in, see if she got away with it. Alright, alright, alright.
Kian: Use your one phone call to call The Dick Show.
Caller #1: Hey, Dick! Zakk from (?) calling. I got a quick story for you. So, I’m in college, and I got a group project with this motherfucker, okay. And I go up to him after the thing, and I’m like, “Okay. Can we meet and take care of this thing today? It’ll be super awesome to just get this thing, you know, worked out, it’ll be awesome.” And he says, “No, I can’t do it today. I have a club meeting, and then I have e-sports practice.”
Caller #1: Now, for Sean, who I imagine just asked, e-sports practice means “I have to go play video games….
Sean: I knew what it was.
Caller #1: …for an extended amount of time.”
Sean: Thank you, though.
Caller #1: When did this become okay? I’ve never been so fucking angry… (crosstalk)
Dick: It’s not okay.
Sean: An 11 second father kissing his son is more okay than that.
Caller #1: … I just didn’t want to do it today. Let’s just do it some other time. But, no, no, no, I have to go play video games, okay. It’s my job to play video games. Go fuck yourself, oh my god, I’ve never been so fucking angry… (Way too much crosstalk. The voicemail is inaudible at this point.)
Dick: E-sports practice. Practicing.
Sean: I just hear Jimmy from South Park saying that.
Dick: E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-sports practice.
Sean: Wow! What a great audience!
Dick: Do you stretch for e-sports practice? Do you get in a little circle, and do the same 3 exercises that everybody knows?
Kian: Does your butter squash juice keep your tendons supple?
Dick: Oh, what a jerk. What a fucking jerk. Hey, we gotta get this – the system has put me in this position where I have to rely on your stupid shit for a little bit. Can we take care of this project now? Sorry man! I gotta go to e-sports practice! I gotta go play Wind Walker Zelda [sic] for 5 hours tonight, I have to do it! I have to.
Kian: I have to play 7 hours of StarCraft II tonight, the Koreans are really gonna win when the war comes, and they side with the…
Dick: I’m gonna start everything practice, just to get away with it. I gotta go to drinking practice! I can’t make the recital, because drinking practice went really long last night, and I’m tired. And throwing up. Sorry I was late, I was doing – I was having sex practice… In the shower.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah!
Dick: I wasn’t laying on my wrist – humping my wrist anymore. I was trying to jerk off normally, and my sex practice went very long.
Dick: My pants don’t fit, because my eating practice – I’ve been doing a lot of it. Just saying, my championship eating practice. Alright…
Dick: What a fucking jerk. Hey, no, play this for him! Find him and play, “Hey, buddy. Hey, hey, hey, you got e-sports practice…
Sean: Gotta be fucking insane.
Dick: My name’s Dick Masterson, I wrote a book called “Men Are Better Than Women,” perhaps you heard of it. If you hadn’t, you really need it, and it you haven’t heard of the book or read the book, you’re not ready to read it, because you’re saying shit like, “I have to go to e-sports practice.” If you’re gonna fuck a man – If you’re gonna fuck a man out of his time, just be straight with him. Don’t do – don’t make shit up. Don’t make shit up. Don’t bullshit. Don’t bullshit people, because then you will start to believe the bullshit, and you will turn into bullshit. You lie to people like that with your e-sports shit, lies, that’s gonna catch on! You’re gonna become addicted to it! It’s gonna become you!
Sean: You think he’d come up with something better than – I think, why would he be lying about e-sports practice? He’s probably – he probably doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it.
Dick: Exactly! It’s the concept that he’s convinced himself that it’s actually practice. That’s how deep it goes in this numbskull’s brain. Just be straight. It’s not practice. Video games.
Caller #2: Hey, Dick! LA Phil. I just called in, but, you know what?... I have another rage. An even better one. Sitting here thinking…
Dick: So why the preamble of, “I just called…”
Caller #3: Hey Dick!
Dick: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Caller #2: Hey Dick. LA Phil, I have another rage. An even better one. So, I’m sitting here thinking, you know what makes me a fucking rage? When I ask my fucking girlfriend a question, and she doesn’t answer that fucking question. Like, I’ll come home, and my girlfriend will be doing homework, and I’ll be like, “Hey babe. How much longer do you think you’ll be doing that homework?”
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Caller #2: She’ll say some shit like, “Well, you know, today in class, we went over (unclear), and I got sleepy, so I Left class and got a bagel, and me and my friend hung out.” Like, bitch, I swear to god, I just want to know how long you’ll be doing your homework, that’s all I wanted to know. Why can’t you answer that one fucking question for me?
Sean: Doesn’t work that way.
Dick: Just answer the fucking question. When are you gonna be ready? Well, I’m almost done blow drying my hair. (scream)
Caller #2: … It’s the same thing. I’ll be like, hey, how you doing today” She’ll be like, “Well, you know, I drove over here, and uh… I’m here now.” I didn’t ask you that. I just asked you a question, why are you dancing around this question? What the fuck? Have you guys had that problem?
Sean: It’s not just you.
Caller #2: Fuck, I’m drunk. Later.
Dick: How much did that cost? Oh, it was less than the one I wanted. Let me talk to you for a minute. Come outside. I need, like, a mafia – a chick mafia.
Dick: Like, I need like a trans woman to come over, and talk some sense into… Ha!
Dick: Call ‘em up. “Hey, uh, yeah, she did the thing with the… Yeah, it’s not an answer.”
Sean: With the telling about her thing.
Dick: Yeah. I need help. Can you send over – um. I’m trying not to say Cesar Milan, because that’s sexist, but I can’t think of another joke. Send him over.
Sean: Right. Might need to bring a squirt bottle.
Dick: Look, I’ll listen to the story, if you just promise me that there’s going to be a number at the end of it. Don’t Lost me. Don’t give me a smoke – I asked you very clearly, when do you want to go to dinner? Well? Well, I am hungry. Oooooooh-kay. Alright. It’s a good one.
Caller #3: Hey, what’s up, Dick? (inaudible) You know what makes me a rage? People trying to convince you to move to the shithole that they moved to. Have you ever had a friend who moved to some kind of backwoods area, or some other non-metropolitan area, where you can see that they’re not having very much fun. You know, even though there might be a nice city nearby, that they can go and get shitfaced, and come back home in an Uber. No, they don’t want to admit that it’s boring. They’re like, “Oh, yeah. It’s great, it’s great.” When you go to visit them, it’s a little boring, you know? You go, and you have some fun in the city, and you go back to their place, and it’s just too quiet. You know, if you live in the city, you go to a party every other week or whatever.
Dick: We got a Sicily’s! It’s great.
Caller #3: But, there, it’s just a little quiet. Little too quiet.
Dick: There’s kind of a club.
Caller #3: They’re constantly trying to invite you over. They’re like, “Ah, man. I saw this great house over here for sale. Blah, blah, blah.” Yeah, but the nearest university is within 50 miles from here. They’re like, “Nah, man. Don’t worry about that. Just work and rent a house. You know? Just fuck buying a house. Just rent a house, don’t worry about your education, don’t worry about your future, just c’mon here, bro.”
Dick: Jonny from Miami’s got his eye on the prize.
Dick: I think nothing will dissuade him.
Caller #3: … It pisses me off man. Like, how about you go back to the city? You don’t seem happy. You know? You don’t seem really happy. Why the fuck, if you’re going to live somewhere, why would you rent a house? That’s the weirdest thing to me. Why do people rent houses? That’s my second rage today. What the fuck is the point of renting a house, if you’re just paying for someone else’s land taxes?”
Dick: Cash is the reason. Because people don’t have enough cash.
Caller #3: Alright Dick. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Thank you, Jonny. Uh, my whole family tries to do that. They try to get me to move up to Valencia, in one of the most, in one of the most (?) schemes.
Sean: I’ve lived out there for years.
Dick: It has no redeeming qualities.
Sean: No, you don’t need to be there. You’ve been there.
Dick: No. The houses are all very tiny, it feels like everything takes forever there.
Dick: Feels like a level of hell. There’s a mall. Doesn’t really fit my lifestyle, of, going to, like, -- it doesn’t fit my lifestyle of going to bars where they make it look like there’s no ceiling. Right?
Dick: And they have chalk boards of Rick & Morty quotes. You guys don’t have a single chalk board with a Rick & Morty quote in your whole town. It’s a joke to me.
Sean: Rick & Morty hasn’t even aired there, yet.
Dick: Yeah. You guys don’t even – It’s incompatible with my values. Stop trying to convince me to move to your town. Everybody. Stop trying to convince people to move. You fucked up. Un-fuck it up. Don’t try to sink more people into it. It is a numbers game, but… Stop it… A couple more.
Caller #4: Hey Dick, this is Luscous, calling in from Atlanta, Georgia. I’m sitting here with my brother, and you know what makes me a fucking rage? You know, it’s like 5-o-clock on a Friday, we’re drinking, we’re drunk already. But what makes me a fucking rage (inaudible.) What makes me a fucking rage is when you go to a bar, and there’s just like a group of 5 girls, sitting there. And, you get cock-blocked by the gay guy, like their gay friend they’ve been waiting for. He cock-blocks you. As a man, that’s fucking not acceptable. That makes me a rage. Fuck that guy. Alright, have a good one.
Kian: That’s probably why he’s cock-blocking you.
Caller #4: Gays and faggots!
Dick: Oh, alright. That’s the friend, I assume.
Sean: The brother, maybe.
Dick: I could see Loscous getting stumped by a gay guy pretty easily. That’s not a slight. It’s like rock, paper, scissors, you know?
Dick: I don’t get stumped by – would not get cock blocked by a gay guy.
Sean: Nah. I think you’d up the ante.
Dick: I’ll show you gay. I’ll take you down first… 2 more?
Sean: Yeah, sure.
Caller #5: Hey Dick, It’s Chaos Cowboy from Reddit. Uh, I was calling about the… The role playing in jobs thing. I took a ranged safety officer course this one time, and they – the guy running it had obviously practiced all these extremely elaborate – Like, I understand if a guy turns around and flags everyone with his gun, but Elliot Rodger is not going to show up to the shooting range, you know, on a yearly basis or whatever. It’s not an issue that’s gonna come up, but, you got all these, like, “Oh, what if a crazy person shows up,” what if such and such happens? It was just – I was like… I can tackle a guy to the ground if you want me to, but is that what we’re here to practice, buddy? So, I can’t stand that kind of – Because it – they never represent what you’re actually going to be experiencing on a day-to-day basis. Role playing in the career. Imagine if I was such and such. It’s stupid. Also, I wanted to mention, Asterios blocked me on Facebook in, like, The Biggest Problem era, 2 years ago or something, for making fun of him watching that children’s show. And he’s a 35-40-year-old man watching a show designed for children, and obviously, what is wrong with you, dude? You’re a giant man-child. Dick, you haven’t said there’s anything wrong with this show. It is a show for children, what are you talking about, dude? Alright, that’s all I got.
Dick: I really hate that role playing in jobs. Or anything. Like, he’s talking about a gun range. “Okay, so now,” They hive the little Spiel, and they ask the most obvious questions in the world. Right, like they’ll start…
Sean: Yeah. Do you A) ignore it.
Dick: “Yeah. Do you a) check that your gun is unloaded at all times, 2) carry is safely, 3) The gun’s unloaded until you, yourself, check it, or d) all of the above.” I really hate this, and I hate you. I don’t want to answer it. I just want to sit here forever, until we turn into skelingtons.
Sean: Yeah. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go load my gun.
Kian: Sometimes, these questions – it seems like they’re not necessary. When I got my California firearms safety license, you know, you have to take that 30-question test.
Dick: Yeah. I just took it to get that shotgun.
Sean: You people made these questions necessary.
Dick: Yeah, Kian!
Kian: Unfortunately, we did. But, so, you don’t even have to study for it, really. It’s just a series of 30 questions, how do you not be a dumbass with a gun?
Kian: And, so, you forget that – a few months ago, you were talking about that, always looking for that – Mr. 101. The guy who could end this problem by having just 1 IQ point above the average.
Kian: And, the last time I was at a gun store, this great place in Culver City, Martin B. Retting, I think it was called. Buy your guns there, it’s like walking back in time. You go, and they just have guns hanging out. Like, that you just pick up off the shelf, and play with them.
Dick: You don’t have to ask?
Kian: No, they’re just there.
Dick: I hate that part. Asking, “Oh, can I see that one?”
Kian: Yeah. It’s a great store. But, I saw someone taking this test, and he got, like, 13 answers wrong.
Sean: God damn.
Dick: You know what, give him 2 guns.
Kian: Yeah, right.
Dick: And free ammo for life.
Kian: It’s a Darwin award right there.
Dick: Yeah, exactly.
Kian: It’s a problem what will cure itself. But, yeah, so, I can see why some of these dumb ass questions are necessary, even though I hate them They’re a waste of time for us and everyone who’s above 100. But, maybe for everyone else, saving their dumbass kids from getting killed from carbon monoxide.
Dick: I want a badge that I can flash. “Hey, I’m in the non-moron…”
Kian: Certified not dumb.
Dick: Yeah. Hi, I’m a regular person. I’m not an animal in a human being’s skin that has to be subject to these stupid tests that you – this role-playing shit. Alright.
Dick: There’s one for you.
Caller #6: Hey, Dick. This is Aaron from California, and I just want to call in, and say you know what makes me a rage? When you’re driving somewhere, and it’s like low speed, say you’re like, in an apartment complex or parking lot or something, and the dipshit in front of you decides to stop the car and have a conversation with another dipshit beside them, effectively blocking traffic on all sides. This happened at work. I was driving around, and I wanted to rear end him. At 10 miles per hour, nothing serious, just to let him know I mean business. Oh, shit, it makes me so angry.
Dick: Ah, because everyone’s the one percent that everyone hates. As soon as they get in their car, and see the ultimate luxury of someone else getting in a car, “Oh, hey, what’s going on? You’re in your car? Yeah, me too! We’re just using all this technology and money to sit in our cars, talking to each other. Huhuhuhu. Well see ya!” They come up with things to talk about. If they were in the same car, they wouldn’t have shit to say. But they see somebody – these people, they see somebody coming at them in another car, like, “Oh man, I gotta start coming up with things to talk about.”
Sean: We have so much in common.
Dick: Let me read my topic list…
Dick: How are you going?”
Dick: Shut the fuck up. Drive your car. That’ll be a national hero. The guy who rear-ends somebody, and then just goes on TV. “They were just fucking talking to each other in the middle of the road.”
Dick: Everybody’s like, “Innocent.”
Dick: Send that guy…
Sean: A medal.
Dick: Send that guy a medal. Trump probably would.
Kian: Congressional medal of freedom. The presidential medal of freedom.
Dick: One get out of jail – he’ll pardon you.
Kian: Yeah, there you go.
Dick: He totally had it coming. Somebody pardon me. Alright, that’s it.
Sean: See you guys next week.
Dick: Who are you guys rooting for in the Souper – in the big game?
Sean: Yeah, the big game. Because you can’t, you know… Souper Bowls are licensed.
Dick: The TSA isn’t actually responsible for weed, Hapbuckle said. I found that out after sneaking my dugout from Austin to the Chicago show. The dogs aren’t the kind that are trained to sniff for drugs. Really?
Kian: Yeah, the TSA ones are, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are still – I don’t know if they’re DEA or some agents in big major airports, who just walk around back there with their German Shepard or Beagle, or whatever.
Dick: Yeah. But the TSA ones aren’t. A lot less dogs.
Kian: Yeah, it’s not just TSA, it’s a different agency.
Dick: I wouldn’t have that weed in my bag, I’d have it on my person. Because I can keep myself away from dogs better than my suitcase can.
Dick: You know?
Dick: That’s my Dick tip, anyway.
Kian: I would advise everyone to not follow that Dick tip.
Dick: I would do that. If I were doing that. I almost accidentally took a bunch of weed through, uh, customs in Belgium. Was that where it was?
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah. We were getting on a train.
Dick: Sean and I were in Amsterdam…
Dick: Yeah, Sean and I did the whole train travel through Europe. Not the time we drove, this it different. A different time.
Sean: Yeah. Before.
Dick: Yeah, we went to Amsterdam. The British girl – I got a tattoo, and we were in Amsterdam getting high and drinking John Smith for, like…
Dick: Days. We drank an entire keg. That guy told us specifically, in Amsterdam, that we drank their entire keg of John Smith.
Sean: Yeah, I remember that.
Dick: Anyway, I went all silly and bought all this weed, because I like doing bad things. So, I had this huge brick of weed in Amsterdam. My plan was – the weed, the big brick of weed, all the Amsterdam money – It wasn’t the Euro yet, was it?
Sean: I think they had the Euro.
Dick: It was to my train tickets. I had tram tickets, and a big ol’ thing of weed that I couldn’t use, because it’s Amsterdam only, obviously. And I was going to find a guy who just got to Amsterdam at the tram station, and say, “Here you go.” Enjoy it, welcome to Amsterdam. And… I didn’t find anybody on the way back to the Amsterdam train station. So, we get on the train, and I’m still looking for somebody to give this big brick of weed to, and these Amsterdam tram tickets. Like, oh god, fuck. Now this is feeling weird, because I’m like, way too obsessed with giving these away. I wanted to do it. Nobody. Everybody was looking like an old local. No – you know, you can spot that weed fiend in their eyes. This guys just got here, and he’s all amped up. They were all tired. We get back to Brussels, right?
Sean: Yeah. So, I get back to Brussels, and we’re going through customs, and I’m like, “Well, fuck. I guess I can’t give this weed to anybody.” So, we’re in line for customs, and we’re next. There’s all the dogs and stuff, and there’s a garbage can with a slot. Like the mouth. Not an open garbage can. I was like, fuck, I’ll just throw this weed away, I guess, and all these train tickets. So, I throw it, it’s probably 10 feet away. Throw the seed in, sinks in, and I think it was the British girl that we were with, she goes “What did you just throw away?” I said, “Well, I just threw away all of my weed.” And she goes, “What country do you think you’re in?” I said “Amsterdam,” and then “Brussels.” She said, “Brussels is not in Amsterdam. That is illegal in this country. You just threw a felony into a garbage can, in front of customs, from 10 feet away, and I said, “Well, I didn’t know that.”
Sean: That’s about exactly how I remember it happening.
Kian: Dick’s getting arrested by Belgian police, “I’m sorry, I thought this was Amsterdam! I thought this was Amsterdam!”
Dick: Oh, man. That would have been the worst arrest. You’re under arrest for weed. “IT’S LEGAL, YOU FUCKING DUTCH MORONS! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON I’M IN YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY!” Oh, boy. A black eye on America today, as this man (unintelligible) gets arrested because he doesn’t know what country he’s in.
Kian: Said President Obama, “I’m pretty sure that guy’s Mexican, don’t let him come back.”
Dick: It was Bush.
Kian: Oh, wow.
Dick: W. Bush would have had me out of there. “Son, that’s a mistake everybody makes all the time. As far as I’m concerned, it’s legal, globally.”
Dick: “Welcome home.” Alright, it’s because of you that I can do that voice so well. Aw!...