Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Nick Rekieta, Jamie Lynn Hughes.
Transcription by /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Dick:Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick. It’s the only show where everything is a lawsuit. Coming to you from a mountain bunker, deep in the heart of the city of failure, that is now protected by a security grid. Sean?
Dick: Did you see my security system out front, as you were walking to my compound?
Sean: I saw a very odd-looking ladder, leaned up against the front of the house.
Dick: That’s a trick.
Sean: Is that what that is?
Dick: It’s a trick ladder. To get people – to get curious folk to climb up on the roof, thinking that they might jetpack down in the back, and assault me in some way.
Sean: Oh, is that right?
Sean: Are you hiding the crown jewels?
Dick: And then on the top – up top, there’s a thing that you stare into, and it tells you what your life could have been like if you’d have lived up to your potential. And then you just do a backflip off the roof and kill yourself.
Sean: Oh, yeah. That would work for me.
Dick: The ultimate in home security.
Sean: Uh, yeah.
Dick: What you could have been.
Sean: Yeah. That’s absolutely horrifying to think about.
Dick: Yeah. Pile of dead bodies. And the best thing is, you can’t resist it. I have a sign out that says, “this is what you could have been.” You’ll be like, “I’d like to see that,” and then you’ll say, “well, why continue living? I’ve just seen it. I enjoyed it. I’m satisfied.” That’s all we need. That’s all it’d take. “Oh, why am I gonna work for 80 years to try and get that when I just saw it on TV?” That’s a good Black Mirror episode, don’t you think? Don’t you think?
Sean: I haven’t seen that show yet.
Sean: You say that’s good.
Dick: Hold on a second, what’s going on?
Jamie: Uh, towels.
Dick: Why do you need a towel?
Jamie: Because I don’t want to get my news all wet.
Dick: Okay, alright. Concrete bunker in the side of a mountain! I’m your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man. The 20-million-dollar man.
Sean: The 20-million-dollar man.
Dick: I’m back up to 20, because Patreon’s checks came through. I got back up to $20-million. Thank you everybody, for helping me defend myself from this lolsuit. It’s getting even lolsier and lolsier. Every fucking day, it gets lolsier with the lolsuit. I don’t know who found this out. I was – With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? And joining us today as news babe, Jamie Lynn Hughes, the very beautiful, very wonderful, very Texan, LA Phil, Jamie Lynn Hughes.
Dick: Alright. It’s getting lolsier by the day. The lolsuit. I’m all jazzed up, because I was just on Milo’s show. The Milo Yiannopoulos Show. We talked about – we talked about getting banned from Twitter, we talked a little bit about pussy and penis as motivators.
Sean: Uh, sure.
Dick: You know, because he was saying – he asked me, “You’re able to survive all these assaults on your PPR. What’s missing? Why can’t I do that? How come the bastards beat me?” I said I have 2 enormous motivators in my life: the fans, the people who just drive the truck every day, who are out there – just sneaking away after they put their kids to bed, listen to The Dick Show on their phone to drown out the world that’s gone crazy around them. That’s motivator number one. Motivator number two: pussy. Just, if I do a good enough show, I’ll get to go to heaven, which is a giant pussy, that you only need to fuck once, and then you die. You know?
Sean: Better than Islam.
Dick: Yeah. That’s my heaven. You get total – you get to kiss total oblivion. You get to fuck a pussy so good (poof) that’s it. You transcend – you turn into light when you cum.
Sean: Yeah. Pure energy.
Dick: Pure energy.
Jamie: That’s quite the suicide bomb.
Dick: Yeah. Milo, he didn’t have that.
Sean: Does Milo think that the bastards have won? Have they beaten him?
Dick: Whichever is good for our ratings, I think.
Dick: I invited him to come on the show. He said he would if he was in town.
Dick: I really, really need to get Asterios’ in on that episode.
Jamie: He promised he would.
Dick: That’s right, he promised. He gave me a penis swear. That’s what the gays do. They don’t do pinky swears, they put their wieners – they wrap ‘em around in little twists.
Sean: So, that’s why you were wearing those VR goggles. To make it official.
Dick: I had to pull my pants up real quickly when they came down, because I had just penis swore with Milo. I really hope Asterios’ is on, because Asterios’ fucking hates Milo. He’s always shooting me these chili peppers, like, “Well, did you know that he embezzled this…” I don’t give a fuck about who – I don’t care about any – he’s funny! What do I give a shit? Could embezzle me if he’s that funny, it’s hilarious. Wouldn’t that be great? Look, Asterios’…
Jamie: How has Asterios’ feel like he can come down on Milo, but, I mean, he’s getting sued for 20-million-dollars.
Dick: That’s right! He must have done something, like harassment! That’s right, he’s been perpetrating this bald harassment for over a year. He’s boxed a mod from The Donald, what if he tried to stump Milo with his stupid chili peppers? Like, Asterios’ sends me a video, “Here’s Milo harassing a trans student at a rally.” C’mon! It’s a fucking rally! Everybody goes to a rally to pop off and shoot their hot peppers at each other, you know? You can’t – give me a break! It’s fun for these people. They like it. It’s like their sports! Sean!
Sean: Well… Yeah?
Dick: All this is victimization and shit. Sports got too boring for us. They finally – politics – they put in – they combined sports with professional wrestling too much. Too much drama. Too much silliness based on nothing. I don’t feel anything from it, because I don’t feel like it impacts me. Right? But, sports. Too complicated You can’t just walk up to a game and appreciate it without understanding the complex codecs of rules that goes into in-field fly rules, and why somebody’s going for a 2-poind conversion, or why that might be exciting, and who’s kidding whose children on the mouth. You gotta know all these things to understand why it’s so great to see a fucking Patriots lose! You gotta know these!
Sean: That’s pretty great.
Dick: That’s great. Ah, it’s great. You gotta know these things.
Sean: It’s not that 98% of the nation cares about Philadelphia and their sports teams, it’s that 99.9% of the nation hates the New England Patriots. And teams from Boston.
Dick: Yeah. Um… Speaking of which, Diego’s trying to put together a Road Rage Boston.
Sean: Really? Okay.
Dick: Portland’s in what, 2 weeks?
Sean: Yeah, how’s that going?
Dick: Sold out. Very sold out.
Sean: Sold out, nothing we can do.
Dick: I’m very sorry that people aren’t going to be able to go, fucking sucks. We tried to get a new place, tried to get more chairs in. I offered to let people sit on Sean’s lap. Get 10 people on there.
Dick: Maybe we could have a “give up your lap.” Like an Uber, but it’s for lap seats.
Jamie: Sean’s just staring dead ahead with this, like, dead-pan look in his eyes. I’m imagining 10 people sitting on him.
Sean: I’m fine with all of that, but we need some kind of a weight limit.
Dick: Oh yeah?
Dick: You don’t want ‘em to be nice and heavy so you could feel their manly…
Sean: Put some constraints on it, just to be doable.
Jamie: All chicks and soy-boys.
Dick: Only chicks. Sean will be sitting around with a totem pole of hot chicks. Boop, boop, boop, and the one on the top is real crazy. Okay, um… I’d love it if Asterios’ called in when Milo’s here. Nothing would make me happier than that. Okay, the lolsuit, the funny stuff in the lolsuit, Nick Rekieta is calling in. Somebody found – I don’t know who did it, maybe it was Nick, found this.
Sean: You keep saying Ruh-key-tuh.
Dick: Nick Rackets is calling in.
Sean: (in a voice that one can only assume is supposed to sound like a middle-aged woman who is filled with disappointment) NICK RACKETS!
Dick: he found that there is a – you know Maddox’s attorney, Dogbite Kevin Landau?
Sean: (laughing) Yeah! Dogbite Kevin Landau! Yeah, I know.
Dick: Dogbite Kevin Landau. That’s what people are calling him. he had a couple of – I think they’re open cases. Like I think “The People v. [Landau].”
Sean: I’ve heard that.
Dick: Apparently, it appears he might have gotten in a couple of drinky driveroo incidents. A little too much drinking, not enough driving.
Sean: Too much little, too much rain.
Dick: Dick: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, look, look. It’s different when you get caught!
Sean: Oh yeah. Yeah. That’s true.
Dick: That is an important lesson in life to know. Whoever gets caught is guiltier, because we’ve got to weed that genes from the gene pool. That’s why it’s – the 2nd kid gets caught in class, because you are the weakest link, dude! You got caught!
Sean: See, they always get the retaliation in sports too.
Sean: The ref always takes the guy who retaliates against in like, hockey. he doesn’t see the first one.
Sean: But the 2nd guy’s like, “Oh, fuck you, he did it, I’m doing it.” He’s like, “Oh, no, you’re gone.”
Dick: “Well he saw you too.” Well, yeah, but you got caught. So, you did it! If you don’t get caught, it didn’t happen, no matter what it is. And the quicker you learn that, the more successful you sill be.
Sean: That’s how life works. Not saying it’s right, it’s just that’s how it is.
Dick: That is how it is. So, if you get caught doing a DUI, you are worse than everyone who is doing it, because you did something. You did something that got you caught, you understand? (Dick has a stroke) We might be – I don’t know, I have to verify this – we might be dealing with a breathalyzer on the ignition situation as well. This was also sent to me.
Sean: Oh boy.
Dick: Like the drunk chick from 40-year-old Virgin.
Sean: I’ve known a couple of people who have had that.
Dick: “I gotta get to court! (blows)”
Sean: Yeah, that’s gotta be pretty embarrassing. You cannot walk around with a real sense of pride having a blowing device – an ignition lock.
Dick: No! Because you’re a fucking menace to society.
Jamie: How many cases do you think he argues, and they’re not aware…
Dick: I dunno, dogs aren’t allowed to drive. Dogs definitely aren’t allowed to drink. If you get a dog drunk, and that dog drives somewhere, free pass. There’s no way.
Sean: Because, frankly, I’m impressed.
Dick: And then he bites somebody. That guy deserved it. If a drunk dog drove to your house and bit you, free pass.
Sean: Yeah. You’ve gotta really be a dick to get a drunk dog to bite you, because…
Dick: No court in the land is going to convict a drunk dog!
Sean: The dog just wants belly rubs. They just want to pass out, that’s all they want. Like, you’ve got to be an asshole to get a drunk dog to bite you.
Dick: Yeah. You gotta be taunting him. Multiple times. As if you were taunting the law by getting multiple DUIs. So, we gotta look into this. I’ve ordered all the documents from the court where they were filed, just to see who it is. I want to do my due diligence. I don’t just take in information that people give me, and repeat it, recklessly. I need to do my own research and work. And then I need to get people to verify it for me, because I don’t think so good. Okay, what do we got here? Valentine’s Day’s this week. You do anything romantic for… You know what? It’s the end of the season of obligation. That’s what Valentine’s day is to me, and it’s like a last little shiv – it’s like you got shivved all Christmas season by your family. They come up to you like Caesar, and they stab you in your penis, and then take your money. And then, as they’re walking away – Valentine’s day, as your wife or girlfriend spits in your face like you’re bleeding money out in the shower in the prison that is life. But I’m grateful for it, because at least it’s not getting stabbed. It’s just getting spit on.
Sean: Gotcha. Change it up a little bit.
Dick: Yeah, end of the season. Thank god. Ah, get out of here, you bitch. Fuck you. Get the hell out of here with… Whatever. You know… You got any special plans?
Sean: I’m not aware of any special plans yet.
Dick: Smart. Smart man. You’ve got a long con, with the, “I’m kind of…”
Sean: Who am I conning? Myself?
Dick: Everyone. Ladies. With the “I’m out to lunch, I don’t even do these types of things. Low expectations.” Right?
Dick: Is that right?
Sean: Yeah, no one ever has expectations for me. They’ll be sorely disappointed.
Dick: I’ll tell you what makes me a rage this week. I’ve got multiple people I’m upset with. I’ve got an upside-down toilet now in my life.
Sean: … What?
Dick: You know how passionate I am about my toilets.
Sean: You’ve got an upside… Okay, I’ll let this go.
Dick: And the functioning of the toilets. And how it is – how it degrades my user experience in the world, almost more than anything else, is the toilet. I’ve got an upside-down toilet handle in my upstairs.
Sean: That’s worse than the flush button on the top.
Dick: Yes. Because everybody who uses it makes some kind of smartass comment about that my toilet is upside-down. The fluch handle’s upside-down, like it’s the funniest, stupidest thing in the world. “Hey, Dick. I don’t know if you know this, but your toilet flusher, it’s upside-down.” Yeah, dude. You think a guy ends up with an upside-down toilet flushing handle, and doesn’t know about it? Some motherfucker at my Souper Bowl party broke my toilet and didn’t tell me about it! So, I’m having my own usual suspects, or Clue, more like Clue, because there was a weapon involved, but it was either Kian, or Diego, or Diego’s beautiful girlfriend, or Jamie Lynn Hughes, or 80’s girl, or me, possibly me myself, and I’m making a big deal about it to make everyone feel bad. Someone used their fist like a sledge hammer and flushed my toilet so hard that the handle broke off, and then didn’t say anything about it to me. They just ruined the most important thing in my house – the most important thing, and then just went about their business!
Sean: And they actually – and the only way it could fit back on was backward? Upside-down?
Dick: That is another issue! It wouldn’t even work! Like, they flushed it so hard that it was destroyed.
Dick: They broke something.
Sean: Fucking with a man’s toilet.
Dick: Fucking with a man’s toilet!
Sean: And it would have been almost worth it to catch that son of a bitch doing it.
Dick: It would be! Now I’ve got all these security systems for my anti-Maddox protection, and I’m gonna put them in every – now, I just watch my house TV. It’s like HGTV, but it’s just my house. And I sit there, like Howard Hughes, just looking at these people like a dog. I sit there like a fucking dog!
Sean: Shitting into an extra-large popcorn, for when he lived in the movie theater for a couple of months.
Dick: Watching these people go by my house, like, “(Dick makes some car noises.)” Now I understand why dogs are like that, because all they have to watch is my house’s television. I got the bug for surveillance now. I’m gonna put them everywhere in the bathroom, so I can catch these fucking club-fisters.
Jamie: That was my first suggestion.
Sean: Put them in the bathroom? Illegal everywhere except in the home, right?
Jamie: I was going to say that was my first suggestion, for your 4 cameras, for one to go into the bathroom. But, I was one who reported this toilet handle issue.
Dick: Toilet vandalism.
Jamie: I am the one who reported it, so I… Why would I do that if…
Sean: Well… For exactly that reason.
Dick: You waited until the next day to do it.
Jamie: No I did not! I did it at the party!
Dick: When at the party?
Jamie: You were sitting on the couch, and I walked up, I was like, “tap, tap. Um… Someone broke your toilet…
Jamie: … All the way this time.”
Dick: But not you?
Jamie: But not I.
Dick: That is exactly what you would do if you had broke it. Because you know I would make a big deal about it, right when you did it, and make up funny nicknames, and you’d have to sue me for 20-million-dollars, it’d be so devastating. That’s what someone would do who did break it.
Jamie: Alright. Well, we can add that to the list of considerations in this game of bathroom Clue.
Dick: Okay, so then, you know my contractor, Smiley? My handyman, Smiley, put in the wrong door. I had him come over and said, “Just make that door, but make it right here.” And he puts in a fucking a fucking marble arch – he puts in a door that is a circle on the top instead of a flat line. And then he said, “Well, what do you think about this?” (Dick sighs) Alright Smiley, do it the fuck again.
Sean: I know it’s wrong, but you’re not really gonna send me back to Home Depot.
Dick: I don’t have to go back to Home Depot. Do it again. That’s my favorite line now, “do it again.” So, Smiley comes over, and he puts the – I say look, I need these security cameras installed in not a fucked way. Correctly. I need some motion sensing lights. I need the door that you put in 8 months ago painted, like you said you were going to do 8 months ago. Smiley gives me this, “Eee.” It’s like, that’s the defense mechanism for contractors. Any time something goes wrong with them, they just go, “Eee” they give you a “Eee” They even send you that by text too. Hey, Smiley, you showing up today? “(Eee)” They send me the little ∑ sign.
Sean: There’s an emoji for that, I’ve seen that.
Dick: It’s for contractors. Paint the door and fix the fucking handle. You know how a toilet works, right Smiley? You’ve got a toilet. “Eee.”
Sean: Kinda, sorta.
Dick: I come back after a day of spicy bantz, working in the meme mines, excavating hot spicy goss. I come home from a day of doing my amateur detective – my amateur, mean-spirited detective bullshit. I said, “Hey, Smiley, did you fix that toilet yet?” “Yeah, nailed it!” Go in, it’s fucking upside-down.
Dick: Smiley, what’s going on?
Jamie: Yeah, that’s the best part. he didn’t even mention it. he just waited for him to use the bathroom, and all of a sudden, he’s just like…
Dick: Hey, Smiley, come over here. This motherfucker’s upside-down.
Sean: This was a new mechanism?
Dick: No, I told him to get a new one! he goes, “Ahh, I didn’t want to have to cost you for the new one, so I tried to fix this one.”
Sean: he clearly doesn’t know how you work. It’s like, just fix it! New one!
Dick: Just fucking fix it. How much is it, $10? You don’t think that I can pay $10 form a right-side-up toilet that everybody’s gonna make fun of me for?
Sean: Knowing you, you would, 100 percent of the time, want to spend the $10 and get the new one, but he’s thinking…
Dick: It’s 10 fucking dollars!
Sean: … But he’s thinking, “I deal with people all the time who, the most important thing in their lives is saving the $10. So, that’s what I did.”
Dick: Yeah, but he also – he fucking charges me – he hands me the receipt for all the – oh, uh, okay. Just get a new one! Smiley goes, “I tried to put it on the right side up, but it didn’t work.” I said, “Yeah, you asshole! That’s why I said it’s broken! So, when you put it on and it didn’t work, that was the first clue that that’s the way it was supposed to go! You don’t just flip it around until it works!”
Jamie: And it’s not just upside-down, it’s backwards.
Dick: Why don’t you just put a lever there? Why don’t you just expose the iron rod and put a string on it, so I can pull there? It’s fixed!
Sean: The chain, yeah.
Dick: It’s fixed because it fucking works! he goes, “Ah, well, I’ll do it next time.” THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE FUCKING DOOR, SMILEY, THET YOU WERE HERE 8 MONTHS AGO FIXING, AND DIDN’T PAINT! I know he’s not. And then he shows up with his buddy, and I’m like, “how much is this fucking guy?”
Sean: What’s his name?
Dick: he doesn’t have a name. he doesn’t have a name yet, he’s a good guy. So, Smiley puts it in there, and goes, “next time, next time.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, Smiley. Next time.” I’ll just fix it. I thought I’d take care of this with the whole security camera thing, it’s be a nice little add-on. You know? Not the case.
Sean: It’s become the central focus of a…
Dick: Don’t fucking worry about it, I’ll fix it, and he goes, “Ah, okay. Here’s the receipts of all the stuff that I bought.” Alright, so I pay him.
Sean: 3 yogurts from the airport.
Dick: I go through – after he goes, I’m going through this receipt, and I’m seeing like, masonry drill bit, 3¼ -inch drill bit. Oh, wow, I picked up some new drill bits today. That’s cool. Go out to the garage, drill bits are nowhere to be found. Motherfucker’s shopping for drill bits and invoicing me. Do I have rube written on me, that people are invoicing me for shit that they eat? And use?
Sean: Once you use them, they’re bad. They’re bad, he’s just doing away with the waste.
Dick: They’re disposable. he uses them and throws them away. Every fucking time he comes out, I’m buying new drill bits. I’m like fucking Santa Clause. So, I got an upside-down toilet, and I want to know who broke it. I want to fucking know who broke it.
Sean: Yeah. Howe are you going to find that out?
Dick: I don’t know.
Sean: Someone will break.
Dick: Someone will crack eventually, because someone noticed it first. Everybody noticed it, and so far I only have one confession. Because it was fucked, right? So, I need to get a timestamp of everybody who noticed it until I trace it back to someone who didn’t notice it. Because they broke it.
Jamie: I have a theory.
Dick: Let’s hear it.
Dick: That’s it?
Jamie: Because he seems subversive. I don’t know why, but…
Dick: Why? Diego’s a nice guy, why would you want to accuse him of vandalizing and breaking my toilet.
Jamie: He’s very entertaining.
Jamie: I don’t know.
Sean: She’s calling him shifty.
Jamie: Yeah, he’s also a little shifty.
Sean: I’ve never gotten that from him.
Dick: No. He’s the only honest one in this bunch. he handles all kind of invoices and bookings and rentals.
Jamie: Also, I think that there’s – the possibility lies with 2. So, Diego and Diego’s girlfriend, right? Because, I think that those 2 are the only ones who would be embarrassed to tell you out of the people that were there.
Dick: You wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me?
Dick: You should be embarrassed to tell me if you broke that toilet. I will come at you…
Jamie: It was already broken.
Jamie: And I was the one who reported it the first time it was broken.
Dick: I’ll find out. I will find out who broke the toilet. Let that be…
Jamie: Order a polygraph.
Dick: I’ve got polygraphs right here. I fucking know immediately if I’m being bullshitted. Here’s what else makes me a rage. People who don’t respect a zipper.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: The traffic zipper. You know what I’m talking about?
Sean: Traffic zipper?
Dick: Traffic zipper.
Dick: Yes. We got a nice little system around here. On earth. In the US of A. In civilized countries, we have a nice little system where you go, somebody else goes, and the guy in the next lane goes. And even if there’s 3 lanes it works. It gets a little mushy, sure, but it works. It keeps us going. It’s as sacrosanct as a commandment. Thou shall not kill. That’s not a concern anymore. Do not disrespect the zipper! Thou shall not skip the zip! That’s the new commandment.
Dick: Thank you. Things need to rhyme, or people won’t do them.
Sean: That’s true.
Jamie: Very true.
Sean: That’s true. Johnny Cochran taught us that.
Dick: This motherfucker gave me a beep on the on-ramp the other day. Jamie and I were going to Dodger’s stadium – empty Dodger’s stadium. You ever been there?
Sean: Empty Dodger’s stadium? Why were you going to empty Dodger’s stadium?
Dick: To check it out, because it’s cool.
Sean: They let you in the parking lot?
Dick: They let you in the gift shop, and then you can go out in the back of the gift shop and go check out the field.
Jamie: The dude at the security gate was cool as hell.
Sean: Gee, I wonder why.
Dick: I showed up in a rare bumbliness, and he’s like, “What are you doing here?” I’m just like, “I just want to look around.” I was sure he was going to say, “get the fuck out of here.” Not after 9/11, are you nuts, you stupid fuck? “It sounded to me like you said you were going to the gift shop, in which case, make a right.”
Sean: Wow! That’s cool!
Dick: It’s cool. Go to a – that’s a good spot. Do that for Valentine’s day.
Sean: I actually want to do that.
Dick: Yeah, it’s fun. It looks so much brighter. The field looks so much brighter and, uh… and smaller. And precious. The whole thing looks like a gem. It’s not filled with people throwing beers. You know, disgusting people. Getting caught, by the way.
Sean: Yeah, a lot of people threw beer.
Dick: Anyway, this little motherfucker cuts off my zipper – cuts off my zipper on the on-ramp and gives me a honk and this little piece of shit, and I wanted to steer my house – my giant truck – I wanted to steer my giant fucking truck that drives like a house – like I’m towing a house, full 2 lane truck, I wanted to steer him right off the goddamn edge! Send him to oblivion for that shit! That is blasphemous! Cutting the zipper then honking at it, flaunting your sick misunderstanding of a civilized society, you stupid asshole!
Jamie: Not only that, but his car was worth, like, 1/16th of yours. Little 1992 Honda Civic. he had no right of way.
Sean: Yeah, his Patreon probably doesn’t make that much.
Dick: Jamie, come on now, let’s not – let’s not shame anyone who’s driving a reasonably priced, older car. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Jamie: Okay. You’re saying that as if you’re really trying to convince yourself.
Dick: No, no. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. I don’t want you to make more people like when that guy was crying, and you made fun of him. Now, you’re making fun of people who are just driving – who have cars that are perfectly functional. Maybe it doesn’t impress you, but it’s perfectly fine.
Sean: Yeah, she’s getting more LA Phil by the day.
Dick: Yeah, not good enough. Not good enough for you. Just a guy, driving responsibly.
Sean: Just trying to make the zipper function.
Dick: Oh, man. That asshole.
Sean: It’s perfectly okay to take a life in that situation, I’m convinced.
Dick: I think so too.
Sean: It’s fine.
Jamie: I just had a realization in this game of Toilet Clue. I think it might be 80’s girl.
Sean: Oh, boy!
Sean: 80’s girl disagrees.
Jamie: … flat irons plugged in into the bathroom that might burn down the house.
Dick: She did do that. You said that you were threatening to cut someone’s Christmas lights.
Jamie: She broke a bathroom door.
Dick: You’ve destroyed a bathroom door.
Sean: While the victim cannot afford a Smiley to fix said door.
Dick: I can’s – he doesn’t do that! he just shows up, and charges you to tell you when he’s gonna come back and do it! That’s his business! It’s every fucking contractor’s business! They just show up whenever! Not a single one of them has a calendar that is written in pen!
Sean: No, that’s why a contractor – like the saying is, “For twice the price, you can have it 6 weeks late.” That’s a contractor.
Dick: Oh, wait, what?
Sean: “For twice the price, you can have it 6 weeks late.”
Dick: Why is that?
Sean: Because it’s gonna cost twice as much as they say it’s going to, and it’s gonna be late.
Dick: Oh, okay, I see. Yeah, always. Let me see what else I got here. Olympics hot-takes. Did you see the drone footage?
Sean: I did!
Dick: Dude, that was frightening as fuck!
Sean: I thought it was really, really cool!
Sean: Like, I didn’t go so far as to think why that’s frightening, I just looked at it for what it was.
Dick: Because those motherfuckers are making dudes in the air. What the hell can’t that do then? That thing could turn into, like, a bigger Voltron drone, and then just pick me up and throw me into the fucking ocean!
Sean: Yeah, it’s like the bees that chase the cartoon characters all around, and they turn into hand things, and they smack people, and they…
Dick: I’m gonna need to dive in a puddle and get a reed and get a reed out of the reed.
Sean: Except they’ll jam themselves right down the reed.
Dick: And get on my stomach.
Sean: Yeah. Chop you up.
Dick: It’s frightening. Do you want to watch it? No, you’ve already seen it?
Sean: I could see it again.
Dick: Alright. I dunno. I guess if you’ve already seen it, it doesn’t matter. Every fucking – I search for this thing, because I wanted to look at it again, and I get 5 hot-take articles saying, “I don’t know if you know this, but that drone footage – that was pre-recorded. That wasn’t live.” It wasn’t the fucking live-ness that was impressive, you stupid cucksuckers!
Sean: Everybody’s uncovering some huge scandal!
Dick: What a scandal! You really stumped all those people who actually did something cool with your fucking hot-take about how it’s not perfect.
Sean: Did you know that’s not their real last name? They changed it for Hollywood!
Dick: That’s like, “Did you know you used a spell checker, you dense motherfucker, and if you typed like how you actually think words are spelled, you’d look like a moron?” Nobody wants to see 3 fatsos, futzing around on command prompt, live on television! 100-million people don’t want to watch a guy fiddle and troubleshoot with 10-million-dollars of drones in front of all of America! Fuck you!
Sean: Yeah, and they – I guess they didn’t want to do it with all these people, in case something fucked up too. They don’t want things hitting people.
Dick: Uh, let me see here… Here, I’m gonna play it right here. (Mumbles) Now I gotta turn that shit off.
Jamie: Is this the video that shows how they did it? With the bodysuits with the sensors?
Dick: I don’t think you’re right about that bodysuit shit.
Jamie: But I saw it.
Dick: Okay, you point out in this video where you see it, and I don’t think you’re – I know you said that.
Jamie: It was the guy skating down the mountain.
Dick: Yeah, but I don’t think that was roro-scope. You’re talking about, like, wearing those balls that the computer picks up? I think those were just…
Sean: You mean like a mocap?
Dick: Yeah. Let’s see. I think it was just synced up. Because, remember, it was recorded.
Jamie, Okay, let’s see.
(Dick starts the video.)
Dick: Look at these fucking drones. Look at that bird! That bird could pick you up and throw you into the ocean if you fuck up! It could pick up your car! There’s a snowboarder man. You’re talking about that jump?
Jamie: Yeah. This, right here. See. 2 screens.
Dick: Oh, you’re right.
Jamie: I know.
Dick: But wait. I don’t think those are roto-scope balls, those are just lights.
Jamie: Well maybe they don’t need roto-scope balls, maybe there’s a new technology that you’re not aware of.
Dick: Hehehe. No, those are just lights. It’s just, like, a light vest.
Jamie: Okay, but he’s doing the same things, so clearly they’re trying to show some kind of…
Dick: Yeah. I think the drones were made by just a guy though. Like, a designer. Because it looks, like, a little elementary. Like, a little polygon-y. Look. It doesn’t look human yet.
Jamie: Well that was cool.
Dick: There you go. That’s the Olympics. Fucking hot-takes on it drive me insane though. Just stop infecting everybody with your cynicism!
Sean: Everybody’s got an opinion before the event has even concluded, even if the event is 3 minutes fucking long.
Dick: Yeah. Have you ever seen that before? Have you ever seen it, period?
Sean: I haven’t. No, you’re right about the cynicism though. I love cynicism. It’s funny. I’m a cynic, but there’s a time and a place for it, it doesn’t mean all the time. Just fucking look at it. Just go, “Oh, that’s go interesting. I haven’t seen that before.” And just shut the fuck up and go break someone’s toilet! You’ve got other things to do!
Dick: I’m cynical about Elon Musk’s mars car.
Sean: Oh, that – fuck him! What a dick!
Dick: What a showoff asshole.
Sean: What a Dick. As soon as I saw that, I’m like, “Shouldn’t you figure out how to turn a profit without massive government subsidies.”
Dick: Go make another oversized crème brûlée torch, fucking jackass.
Sean: The fuck is wrong with you?
Dick: It’s not a flamethrower at all, it’s like a candy-ass dickless version of a flamethrower that guy made. I fucking – he’s like a walking Disneyland.
Sean: Why? Why did he do that?
Dick: For money. For money, because his whole business runs off of public money.
Sean: Go figure out a way to make your car last for more than 50 miles before something explodes or it needs a recharge, right?
Jamie: The drones are cool though. Like, you know how people say faking gay? I feel like drones are disconcerting and cool.
Dick: Yeah. They do. I have thought every one of them was fake every time – there’s no fucking way with that – that that exists. I don’t want that – that’s terrifying! That shit could smash right into your head!
Jamie: But then, when you have a drone yourself, and you’re… It’s very cool.
Dick: You know what, my brother in law has a drone, and every time I see him, he’s using it. I try to get him to like, buzz me to do a cool like, movie. You know, (Dick makes buzzing sounds)
Jamie: Buzz the tower, I think it’s called.
Dick: Yeah. I was running on the beach, and I was like, “Yeah, get behind me so it looks like Rocky 3.” I was like, “Dude, dude, dude. I’m gonna run on the beach.”
(Jamie tries to do Rocky music)
Dick: Uh, yes. I’m gonna run on the beach, like when Rocky’s running with Apollo, and then he overtakes him with his white supremacy. He’s running on the beach – that was a joke – he’s running on the beach, and that camera shot – that guy goes right along, like, “yeah, yeah, can your drone do that?” Oh yeah. I want that. I need that. Just make sure you get it right, because I only have 1 sprint in me, and then I gotta sleep for a couple of – I gotta go rest for a couple of days. Alright, 1 shot at this. Don’t fuck it up. He’s like, “I’m not gonna fuck this up.” You’re a fuckup, not me. Okay, let’ do it. You can picture in your mind, right? The footage that I’m talking about?
Sean: Yeah, totally.
Dick: So, are you ready? Thumbs up. Alright, I start booking it. (Dick tries to do Rocky music) I’m doing a weird Sylvester Stallone run where he jerks his head like that. You know? Yeah! Alright! And at the end, I got “yay.” I go back, “Alright, hey, let’s see that footage. Let’s see it.” he goes like, “I gotta download it on the computer to see it.” (Dick becomes a rage) I try to pour myself a drink, try not to be an asshole about it, because he’s got all these other people. “Hey, what about that footage? You ever – you know, how you try to do when you are the turtle head poking out, when you’re like, “Hey, what about that thing you said you had? Could we do that thing?”
Sean: It’s something important here.
Dick: Stop fucking cockteasing me with that footage, I want it! He’s like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After dinner.” After dinner, he loads it up, puts it on, and he got – his drone is about 200 feet in the air, following me – like, I look like a little speck – like a little fat speck. What the fuck is this? Why do you have – why do you even have this technology if you’re… “Well, I didn’t want to mess it up and crash is.” What the fuck is this thing? I could’ve taken this from Google Maps that you’ve done me dirty like this. I had this idea in my head of a really cool, epic run. Ruined it.
Sean: Wow. I’ll never be able to run like that again.
Dick: Yeah. Alright, let’s see. We went skating.
Sean: Like, roller skating?
Dick: Roller skating, yeah. That time of the year. For people to go roller skating. They’ve Denzel proofed it.
Sean: How’s that?
Dick: Remember when he went, and he said that he kept falling down?
Dick: It’s a great spot to meet girls.
Dick: These girls dress up – because they know they can get away. So they dress up extra sexy and titillating for your enjoyment. Shorts that got all the way up. Socks that go up to where their shorts should be. Sean. Shorts that I have underpants longer than. That’s what these chicks wear. Wigs, so they become totally different women. You get your woman a wig, she’ll be a totally different -- she gets to take on that wig personality. It’s like a fursuit, but for the rest of us. That’s what a wig is. They’ve gotten – Denzel went to pick up broads, and he said he just kept hugging the wall and falling down, so they got these – they’ve got like, walkers.
Sean: Oh, I’ve seen those.
Dick: They’ve got walkers with rollers on them. They’ve turned skating from just a nice cruising activity into – what? You’re shaking your head already. Into every kid in the skating rink now has like these old people walkers that are 2-feet, 3-feet across, and they all get in there like little stealth bombers, like they’re playing an Asteroids game, and go around and…
Sean: Multiple people in one, right?
Dick: No, no, no, no, no! They all have their own.
Sean: No, but I thought that’s what kids would be doing with them.
Dick: Well they congregate together, and they have some of the greatest – because they don’t help you. They have some of the most hilarious spills that you’ve ever seen in your life. Because, the kids fall, and all their shit falls on top of them. You get a rector set on pile ups with these children.
Sean: That’s awesome.
Jamie: There’s only one child who was cute as he was falling. Only one. The other 300…
Jamie: Get out.
Dick: Get out?
Jamie: Get out.
Dick: Yeah. Jamie didn’t like them.
Jamie: I had a very…
Sean: Well they’re little obstacles.
Jamie: The whole thing – and I told you not to do this.
Jamie: because I said that this was my rage.
Dick: Well now’s your chance!
Jamie: (sigh) Give me my lipstick. Okay.
Sean: Oh boy, this is getting serious.
Jamie: Because I feel like this is a reflection of society, and, so, there’s that, but also…
Dick: What do you mean it’s a reflection of society?
Jamie: It is, like… Snowflakes.
Sean: Indignant lipstick application!
Dick: You know you fucked up when someone puts on lipstick like that! Deliberately.
Sean: As she’s speaking.
Dick: Let me just take a moment while I put on my lipstick, so you can see how you’re getting chewed out. It’s like they kick it into another gear. Like, “Whoa! You’re a lot hotter than you were a second ago, berating me.”
Jamie: Listen. We walked in, and I was amped up I was ready to go. I was a little nervous, because I didn’t know if I would be able to live up to my previous years of skating glory.
Sean: You’re a good skater.
Jamie: I am. Was. But, I am. It took me a minute.
Dick: What do you mean you were?
Jamie: Well, just because I went every weekend when I was a kid.
Sean: Yeah, so you’re – sure. Good at it. Okay.
Jamie: You know, requesting in sync to the DJ. You know, stuff like that every weekend. Trying to get a couple skates with a cute boy, which I never did.
Dick: What? How’s that possible?
Sean: Because they were too intimidated.
Jamie: I was a – it was after skating years that I figured out how to be pretty.
Dick: You saying you weren’t pretty?
Jamie: I was not.
Dick: You know what? You gotta start ‘em early. So, that’s my deal. Let me tell you something about me. I was at a family – when I was at that family reunion, remember that I flew in from, and then we went straight to the show?
Sean: Put on your lipstick. There we go. Wow, I’m so much more into this.
Dick: Guys need a version of that. Hold on, I need to put on my cup before I completely chew you out.
Jamie: It’s like smoking a cigarette.
Dick: Yeah. When I was at the family reunion, I made the boys – I made the little Irishmen talk to a girl. Alright. he was sitting there – did I tell this story?
Sean: I don’t think you did. I don’t remember this.
Dick: Family reunion. This little girl over there. Cute girl. You know.
Sean: Family though.
Dick: Who know?
Sean: You know. I’m thinking long-term.
Dick: It’s good practice. Family or no. It’s good practice, right?
Sean: True, he didn’t know her.
Dick: Yeah. He’s playing a little game of bounce the ball with her, and I said, “ask her what her name is.” And he very awkwardly, “oh, okay. Hi, I’m little man. What’s your name?” And then she said it. “Tell her you like her shoes.” he goes…
Sean: This is great. This is absolutely priceless.
Dick: he said it, he did it pretty well. Said “I like your shoes.” Or however, you know, he’s a little boy, he can’t say it perfectly. She starts laughing and giggling, and then she went away. Alright, there we go. That’s – a lot of guys are gonna get into their teens before they try that even once.
Sean: Yeah, you got 10 years on them.
Dick: You got 10 years on ‘em. You’re not gonna let little Jamie scoot around the rink by herself without getting talked to, you know what I’m saying? You gotta push them together from a very early age. The parents aren’t doing this. They’re worried about screen time. That’s what they’re – like, motherfucker, screen time? Screen time is my life, bitch. I’m talking about talking to broads, that’s what you need to worry about, not Kumon.
Jamie: Chick time.
Dick: Chick time. Fuck screen time. Screen time is my whole fucking life. You want to get him off the screen? You need to get some chicks in there. It’s the only thing that will work. That’s a life skill.
Jamie: Life hack.
Dick: Okay, what were you saying about your skating?
Jamie: So, I was very excited to go skating, and we walk in there, and not – so we go in and we move to the left. There’s some benches where we go to sit down, take your shoes off, get your skates. We had our rental slips, we went to go get out rentals. Because, 80’s girl and I don’t have our own skates. Dick does.
Sean: I’m not surprised.
Jamie: It’s the skating version of having your own bowling shoes. So, we get to the counter, and we see this PVC pipe monstrosity sitting on the desk there. And, I didn’t notice it until the, but I think Dick said, “wait, what it that?” Then, we all – the 3 of us panned around, and there are all these childrens.
Dick: Little flying bombers out there.
Jamie: Yeah. So, it’s like a triangle without a bottom, facing you. Like a walker.
Dick: With wheels.
Jamie: And the moment I see it and like realize what this is for, my brain starts short-circuiting like (Jamie clicks like a Ugandan tribe) So, not only – not only is this like, snowflake parents creating more snowflakes, with the whole – why can’t a kid just fall?
Sean: You’re 100 percent right.
Dick: They made the kid your problem. Like, the kid’s usually there like garbage. They fall right over, and you kick them to the wall and they stay on the wall where they belong. But now, you’ve got these little old men zooming around! You’ve got adults zooming – you’ve got adults on walkers! It’s like a fucking Wall-E – beta version of Wall-E.
Sean: It’s analogous to the greater picture – the bigger picture, which is training wheels for life.
Jamie: No, but it’s not even training wheels.
Sean: No, that’s what I mean. You never take the training wheels off.
Jamie: It’s not even training wheels, it’s crutch wheels. So, how are you ever going to teach a kid how to skate.
Sean: No, you’re right! It’s not training wheels, because training wheels, the implication is that they are removed if you do it for real.
Jamie: We went our whole generation – how long have skates been a thing? 50, 60, 200 years? Everybody’s kid learned to skate, but you didn’t do it at the skating kink, you did it at home. You got some skates. You got some $40 skates, and you fell on your ass like 60 times in your driveway, and then you went to the skating rink, and maybe you were a little awkward and had to clomp a little bit around, but it’s not like… So, not only is it a snowflake thing, but it is the biggest monstrosity – like, I was trying to skate around like a normal human doing skating things, and I was met with a complete line of children and skate mates. They were impassible. It was like Gandalf. You shall not pass.
Dick: With the Balrog? You were the Balrog then, in this situation. Alright. It was funny watching them fall though. If only they would come apart.
Sean: That would be good.
Jamie: There was one child who was very cute as he was falling, because he would fall and his whole world would end. he fell in steps, but he was the only one who was cute.
Sean: I want kids – I should have been the kid who was like “fuck that, that’s cheap. I’m not doing it.” If I’m doing that, I’m not skating, that’s something else.
Dick: Yeah, you’re the fucking weirdo.
Sean: There needs to be more weirdos.
Dick: Now we’ve become – now we’re promoting weird-ism. We’ve come full circle!
Sean: Now… We need… God damn it! Kid should feel bad if he’s not doing it for real.
Dick: he should feel bad for not knowing how to do it. Like, you keep that shame at home, son. You learn in the back yard, in your own room, and then get good like Napoleon Dynamite busted out on everybody.
Sean: Do you remember learning how to ride a bike?
Dick: I do.
Sean: Did anybody help you?
Dick: My dad.
Sean: I did by myself. I taught myself to ride a bike.
Sean: I was in the backyard…
Dick: How old were you? 25?
Sean: Something like that. It was like a couple weeks ago.
Dick: Now that you don’t have a car – do you have a car yet?
Sean: I don’t remember – No, uh, soon.
Jamie: Way to call him out.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been pretty slacking on that.
Dick: Gotta get a car, man.
Sean: Yeah, I know.
Dick: It’s valentine’s day. Gotta take your woman out in style.
Sean: Yeah. I’m waiting for a – well you know, go out, stay in. Forget all together.
Sean: You know, whatever. I mean, who’s say what’s out and in these days? What is a valentine’s day?
Dick: I made a donation to the women’s march for valentine’s day.
Sean: Did you get to personalize a message or something?
Dick: Uh, yes, sure, whatever. Whatever they do. I bought 100 pussy hats for disenfranchised women ion a third world nation.
Sean: Oh, you did?
Dick: Yes, in women’s honor. For valentine’s day.
Sean: Almost as useful as the iPads for starving African children, right? What they really need.
Dick: Okay, how did you learn to ride a bike?
Sean: I went in the backyard, we had a walkway in the backyard, and I took the training wheels off…
(Dick hehe’s like there’s no tomorrow.)
Sean: I can’t remember how old I was, but I was – I remember I had a blue and yellow bike.
Dick: You took your own training wheels off?
Sean: Because they were ready to fall off. I had tried before, and they were all loose and everything, so the training wheels came off, because I knew where the workbench was. I knew where the pair of vice grip pliers was.
Dick: How old were you? 10?
Sean: I don’t know. No, no. I was much younger than that.
Dick:7?! How many siblings did you have? Do you remember how many? Were they all there?
Sean: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Dick: So, it was just you and – maybe just you and 2 other siblings at that point? I’m just trying to get a gauge on how young you were.
Sean: The third one may have been born, but I remember – because I remember when we moved, I had gone through multiple bikes before we moved from that particular place, that that was the first bike I ever owned. Anyway, we had a chain-link fence in the back yard, surrounded by a little 2 or 3-foot-wide rock planter, and I just got up, and just kept crashing into the fence. Over and over again until I got it. By the end of the day, I had it. My arm was all scraped up, but I was determined to do it, because I was so pissed off that I couldn’t ride a bike.
Dick: I feel like you’re describing one of those computer programs that learns to move on its own, and they make those weird –
Sean: How did the elephant man walk? It goes through all these algorithms to figure out what he looked like when he walked. But yeah, I remember the day I taught myself to ride a bike.
Dick: Did you tell anybody?
Sean: I ran out – I think I was pretty proud, I think I told my mom. I don’t know if my dad was around, or if he was home yet, but I was like, “I can ride a bike!”
Jamie: Aww. Oh, Sean.
Yeah, so I was like, because they had tried toi teach me to ride a bike before, and I either wasn’t getting it, or I just got it in my head I was gonna ride that bike.
Dick: My dad did the “I’m pushing you and not telling you,” and he’s like, no, lies. That’s what you do too.
Jamie: Yeah, that’s how I learned.
Jamie: Good. Good.
Dick: Oh my god, and The Dick Show Album is done, I think.
Sean: It’s gotta be close.
Dick: Yeah. It’s gonna be out by Portland. 100 percent. Wanna be my lawyer.
Jamie: (singing) If you wanna be my lawyer… you gotta get… I wonder what it is.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song ends)
Jamie: This is my favorite one.
Sean: Unbelievable. Who knew that hehe…
Jamie: The breakdown.
Sean: Unbelievable. God, I love that. That’s…
Dick: Just when you think it can’t get any better…
Jamie: Go and do something like this!
Sean: You totally redeem yourself!
Dick: You’ve got a guy who – I’m gonna get Bick, let me see if Nick’s here. Hey Nick, you there?
Dick: Hey, how do you like that song?
Dick: How would you feel, as a lawyer, if someone wrote a song like that about you?
Nick: I can think of nothing but feeling absolutely honored that someone would take their time, and tribute me in that way.
Dick: Isn’t it funny that we’ve got a man, Maddox, who loves riding bicycles, with an attorney who is legally required to ride a bicycle? Allegedly. Allegedly! It all goes back to the bicycles, Sean!
Sean: I know. I know.
Dick: Oh, nick, how are you doing?
Nick: I’m doing great man, how are you?
Dick: Great. Is Google still after you? Are you still a man on the run from big Google.
Nick: It’s quieted down quite a bit, so I don’t know. What I do know, I released a Google friendly version of the Damore lawsuit breakdown.
Nick: Completely neutral going through. Because, I was contacted by 3 different software engineers inside Google.
Jamie: So, you were doing something right.
Nick: Well, um, yes. But I was contacted by guys who are friendly to my disposition and suggested that I make a video they can share within Google without getting in trouble for it.
Dick: So, no swearing and stuff like that?
Nick: No swearing, no drinking, no ablest slurs like idiot.
Dick: That stuff is not safe for women.
Nick: Right. It’s just basically completely neutral, raw video. And, when I did that, I noticed – I got a couple reports from fans who said the video was not popping up in their notifications. So…
Dick: So, you’re getting, like, silenced?
Nick: Sort of like a shadow ban, I guess. Maybe just on those videos, I’m not sure.
Dick: I tell ya, I’m very worried about Mussolini’s corporatism becoming a way of life in America. Like, corporate fascism, which is what – once we’ve gone past the need for the government, it’s all companies providing you things. The way they can just slightly tweak, shutting down people like Nick, people like Cernovich. People with political ideas they don’t like. Very scary. It’s a shame.
Nick: I actually – I think we’re going to see some major lawsuits in that over the next 5 years, because if you think about it this way, what if Twitter just banned Trump in the middle of the next election? What would that do to his campaign? You know, if they cite something as hate speech or whatever. We’ve got these private companies who have become public platforms, and there is a recognized exception to the private company being able to shut people down without first amendment implications, it’s called the designated public forum doctrine, and I think we’re going to see that get expanded over the next 5-10 years with places like Facebook and Twitter becoming so ubiquitous.
Dick: God, I hope so, because I don’t think they would ban Trump, but they would like, shadow ban him, so you wouldn’t see his tweets enough. Even Twitter saying “this tweet contains sensitive material, click this button to see it” puts in your mind that this is a bad thing.
Sean: Yeah, I don’t agree with any of that.
Dick: And what drives me fucking crazy about it is how people will give the benefit – try to explain the actions of these corporations doing this in a reasonable way. Wit’s just leveraging violence. Like it’s just leveraging your power over us. So, don’t cooperate with the corporatist overlords, fucking call them out. Sue them as hard as possible, make a coordinated effort. Make a court at least try to get a court to make them stop doing this. Because we all hate it. We all fucking hate it.
Nick: And it’s crazy when media corporations don’t see the problem with Twitter, in theory, could just ban or even shadow ban all MSNBC journalists, for example. Like, they have that power, and no one can say first amendment, no one can say free press, but MSNBSC would have a fit.
Dick: Every time I see Twitter’s end of the year PNLs, they lose half-a-billion dollars. I think that somebody’s getting something for that money. And, every email I get from twitter is celebrity bullshit, movies that’s coming out.
Jamie: Follow Kendrick Lamar.
Dick: Yeah. I’m like, wait a minute, did we just abandon the commercial driven media for this weird hive mind that still pumps me the same entertainment shit that I have never once clicked on? Would never in a million years. Like, everybody just signed up to get constant ads. You know, now that their ad model on TV’s dying, now we just signed up for a new platform to get ads. I dunno. And that’s what the half- a-billion dollars is for. Anyway, Nick, do you want to talk about. Let’s see, you went over the response to Asterios’s lawsuit, didn’t you?
Nick: Yes, absolutely. And I’ve got – it looks like the response to yours is due tomorrow.
Dick: Oh, is it? That’s going to be real spicy.
Nick: So I’ll be livestreaming tomorrow, and Asterios’s response to Landau is due on Thursday. So, I’ll be livestreaming on Monday and Thursday this week.
Dick: Okay, and do I have you to credit for finding out about Landau’s trouble with the law? The People V. Landau? Did you discover that?
Nick: I think do. I don’t want to 100 percent take credit, but I think so. What I did – I was just looking to see what I could find out about him in Michigan, since I thought we had found everything in New York. And, in Michigan, it turns out that he had a couple cases against him, so I asked if anybody near a courthouse could look into it. I know a couple guys went down there and pulled up the documents. Because, you can – there were a couple publicly available documents – and by publicly available, I mean easily accessible by anybody with an internet connection.
Jamie: Nick, you do not have to be humble with this crowd. Just take the credit.
Dick: So, what did the documents say? Because I gotta go read through them. Do you have a consensus about this DUI story that I’m hearing?
Nick: From what I’ve read so far, and I have not reviewed all of the documents, it looks like he had 2, maybe 3 DUIs.
Dick: Kevin Landau?
Dick: Oh my god. That is…
Sean: Well that’s a full-blown alcoholic. Like, all joking aside, because, with DUIs, anybody, especially in Los Angeles, everybody has driven when they probably shouldn’t have. You could be unlucky enough to get a DUI. If you have 2, then you are doing it all the time. There’s no way. I think I’ve said this before, you don’t have sex twice and get 2 kids. You know what I mean?
Nick: So, then…
Dick: Also, you are driving very recklessly. Like, to pull attention. I mean, we’ve all done it. You cruise. You get in that fucking thing, and you are ultra-aware. You’re not fucking wiggling around, thinking about dogs and dog bites.
Jamie: I have been too drunk driving. I was laser focused. Like, every resource I had in my brain to put onto this road. I was like, (sigh) here we go. We’re gonna make it home. But, if he’s driving like that, maybe he blacks out like that guy with the rage.
Dick: Oh, yeah, that we’re gonna get to. Okay, so, now, Nick, have you looked into other cases that Landau has brought to court?
Nick: Yes. But, real quick, I want to cover 1 more thing with the DUI thing, because this is where it gets funny.
Sean: So, 2, maybe 3 DUIs in 1 state?
Nick: Yes. In Michigan. But then, he had the interlock ignition installed in the car, and he failed an interlock ignition test.
Jamie: What is that?
Sean: You have to blow into…
Jamie: Oh, that’s with the blow thing? Okay.
Nick: So then, he was being represented by his dad, from best I can figure, in court, and their argument was that he has chronic asthma, and he had an inhaler, which gave him chronic gingivitis. So, he had some mouthwash, like Listerine, to fight the gingivitis, and that’s what caused him to fail the blow.
Jamie: Really? That was his defense?
Dick: That was his argument in court?
Dick: And you’re sure about this? This is verified?
Nick: Like 99.9%.
Dick: Oh my god, imagine calling your dad, “Hey dad, uh, I got – you know all those DUIs? Can you come to court and tell the judge that I have gingivitis,” and your dad says yes! “Of course, son! I’m always there for you, you fucking moron.!”
Sedan: He’s been shirking his vet visits for teeth cleaning. Nice one, George. Good job.
Dick: Good fucking job!
Sean: God damn it.
Dick: Is that compatible with his values, do you think? Multiple DUIs and a breath… car blowing machine?
Nick: I just don’t understand why he didn’t cut the deal.
Dick: For which?
Nick: On the DUIs. On any of it. Like, he you know. So, as a lawyer, when you’re down at the courthouse, you develop some sort of relationship with the prosecutors, because you see them and talk to them from time to time. When you’re not working opposed to them, generally you’re cordial. So, just sit down and cut a deal. Like, some sort of deal to lock it up. Because, if you cut a deal, you get a plea bargain, none of this stuff is public.
Dick: Oh, really?
Nick: You’ll have a conviction.
Sean: That’s the best reason to do it.
Dick: So that people don’t know.
Sean: Yeah, as a lawyer, do I want to have some full-blown alcoholic representing me?
Dick: You know what? I know Maddox picked this guy because he has no personal and professional reputation to destroy. That’s why he knew he could – my ultimate nemesis.
Nick: So, I’ve been wondering why Maddox picked him for a while, and I’m on the trail to it. So, the next thing I did, I finally just realized I can search for his cases by name in the New York filing system. So, I pulled up a list of his cases in New York, and they go back to about 2012. There aren’t a ton of them, which isn’t abnormal. Lots of lawyers don’t do a ton of court cases. Most of the stuff we do is actually out of court. So, there’s nothing there, but. I found a bunch of his stuff, and someone had also sent me, he’s got a pretty big news piece about him. he represented this person against a television production company that produced a documentary that produced a film about being the wife of a hitman of a cartel.
Dick: Okay. And Landau represented the wife? Against the TV production company?
Nick: Right, and they tired to inappropriately join Univision, which sounds funny, because Univision basically put the show on.
Dick: So, they tried to sue everybody, just like they did here?
Nick: Right. And then they tried to say, so, basically the complaint was that the production company was supposed to obscure her identity – this woman’s identity and didn’t do it.
Sean: Whoops! Now she’s dead. Her head and body are separated.
Nick: The production company just simply pulled up a document with her signature on it that gave them full license to do this. Like, obviously, this isn’t a mistake that people make when they’re making a documentary about the cartels. If you choose to be public or private, they’re gonna honor that as best as possible. So, 2 years after the release of this documentary, they sue. And then they tried to show that her signature was forged.
Dick: So, Kevin Landau and the woman tried to show that the signature that the TV company produced was a forgery?
Nick: Right, and they did it by 1, hiring a handwriting expert to analyze her new signature…
Dick: (interjects) Was her name Heather?
Nick: Wasn’t the same as the old signature.
Dick: Was the expert’s name Heather?
Nick: (laughing) No, not in this case. But then it seemed like the expert didn’t give them the right answer, so they fired that one and hired a different expert, and then only gave the new expert signatures that were from later than the lawsuit even started. So, they created fake signatures.
Sean: Oh, god.
Dick: Jesus Christ. Alright.
Nick: And they – the woman who he was representing did get sanctions, and actually the opinion on this case is like a 65-page opinion, where the judge is just pissed. Sanctioned woman, did not sanction Landau, but basically as close as you could come to a lawyer receiving sanctions, ands didn’t do it.
Dick: so, do you think that Landau’s going to get sanctions for this shit? Because, in the response to Asterios, there is literally a quote from MadCucks satirically – like, the most ridiculous satirical comment saying that Asterios and I created MadCucks.
Nick: I… I mean, when I read that section on the livestream, I actually got really, really angry, because of how they edited it.
Sean: Yeah, they took out the part about the rape video.
Dick: They put ellipses in the quote, like something was left out here. Yeah, something was left out that says “this is a joke.”
Nick: Completely ridiculous and pointed out that he had never – he left out the part where you and Asterios had never spoken to him.
Dick: Is that the kind of thing – like, a lawyer can’t just say, “oops, I didn’t know.” Don’t they have some responsibility to look at shit and say, “Yeah, this is bullshit. No, I’m not putting this in here and signing my name to it.”
Nick: Yes and no. But, in this case, it looks worse, because he would have had to make those edits. Like, he would have had to consciously made those edits to misrepresent the statement to the court, because he put the quote in the document.
Dick: What about the quote where Asterios says he’s going to work, and they put in – I don’t know who, Maddox or Landau has put in the word “back” in brackets. So, Asterios’s actual quote is “I’m going to work,” and the one in the response is “I’m going back to work.”
Sean: Why did they do that?
Dick: Because they’re trying to say that he was at work.
Sean: When he was making these things.
Dick: Yeah, which is nothing, but they’re trying to say that…
Sean: But it’s a complete fabrication. he just pulled back, and like, oh, just fabricating a quote.
Dick: Yeah, isn’t it?
Sean: Seems like it to me.
Nick: That one looks really bad as well. On the stream, I was going to wear that that was completely fabricated, because I just didn’t know. But, that was another one where some people brought it up. But, those kind of things to me are where sanctionable activity for misrepresenting the court from the lawyer come in. Because, that’s not Maddox demanding that he goes forward with something, and that he just tries to be a zealous advocate. That’s where he’s making conscious decisions to misrepresent.
Sean: Anybody else see that he fucked up the date somewhere? It’s the first thing I say. Like, 2019. I was like, “Tight. Tight shit.”
Dick: My favorite typo so far is Asterios’s Kokkinos. One paragraph starts with Asterios’s Kokkinos were blah, blah, blah.
Sean: The Kokkinos belonging to Asterios.
Dick: Yeah, Asterios and all of his Kokkinos are out there causing trouble.
Nick: I think we have put to bed the mystery. Kevin Landau did write the document for your case. Going through his documents, the Apostrophe errors are consistent throughout all of them.
Dick: It’s fascinating to figure out, because we’ve got “i-Tunes,” and “You-Tube stations.” Like, there’s a lot of dumbness mixing together in, like this gumbo, and you don’t know which one – like, these two bicycle boys soggy biscuiting their staidness all over this paper, and you don’t know whose jizz is whose. You know what I’m saying?
Sean: When you get those two together, you’re bound to have some retarded kids.
Nick: I did see “You-Tube station” in a different document as well. Well, Nick, you got anything that makes you a rage this time? I love your content. You made this whole thing accessible to me. You made my own expensive legal documents accessible to me for free. Thank you very much, fucking thank you.
Jamie: Nick, every time there is a notification that you are streaming, everybody in the house jumps up and goes, “(dog sounds?)” Nick on the TV.
Dick: Yeah, we jump and run over to the couch and start screaming at devices because they won’t connect fast enough.
Nick: The only rage I have right now is just the lack of ability for communications companies to give us upload speeds that matter in an age where everybody is streaming and everybody is doing videos and uploading them. Out here, at best, I can get 5-6Mb up. I have to wait until 2am, and it’s infuriating.
Dick: How rural are you? I know you said on the stream that you have like 5 kids and they’re homeschooled. Is that right?
Nick: yes, we homeschool 5 kids. Well, I shouldn’t say we. My wife does most of the work there. She homeschools 5 kids, we’re about 2 hours west of the twin cities in Minnesota.
Dick: Can you see your neighbors?
Nick: Barely. Barely. I have about 8 acres of land, so it’s nice, and our driveway’s like 500 feet long, and our neighbors are at the end of that driveway.
Sean: Sounds nice.
Dick: Yeah. Sounds like it’s either idealic, or a compound.
Dick: What did you think about Maddox’s homeschooling stuff? What did you think about the anti-home schooling stuff? I think it’s nonsense.
Nick: that episode infuriated me. It’s funny, because I was a product of public school, and I had no special connection to home school, but my wife and I decided to do it, mainly because our first son was way far ahead. he started reading on his own around 2.
Dick: Oh, wow.
Nick: I said okay, we can’t put this kid in public school, he’ll just be lost.
Sean: Did he teach himself how to ride a bike?
Nick: So, I remember being ahead at school, and just getting lost in that whole system, so that’s why we started the homeschool thing. But, to have Maddox come out and say a bunch of stuff about homeschool that we can verify isn’t true, because, you know, we put our kids into as many social programs as we can, and people who meet them probably say they’re overly friendly. If you can go back, you can actually see me arguing with Maddox on the post for that.
Sean: Well, probably not anymore. It’s probably been deleted.
Dick: We saved all the comments on biggest.thedickshow.com. How do you give them the hot teacher experience? That’s what I want to know, because that’s my…
Nick: Well their mom.
Dick: Obviously. Alright, so it turns out it’s a compound after all.
Sean: You beat me to it! You beat me to it!
Dick: Alright, Nick. Can you plug your Patreon please?
Nick: Yes, absolutely. Patreon.com/lawsplaining. Check it out, come visit on You-Tube, come jump into the livestreams, they’re a lot of fun. Lots of drinking games around weird things that I do.
Dick: Tons of people watch. 300+ people.
Sean: It’s super engaging, they’re great to watch.
Dick: Alright man, take it easy. Thank you.
Nick: Thanks, you too.
Dick: See you. Oh, boy. I got a bit. I got a bit from Sriracha.
Dick: Yeah. Called Land Cow. I don’t know what it means.
Sean: Whoa, land cow. Okay.
Dick: Saw some of those at the beach last week. Went to the beach last week, saw a man – saw a real behemoth taking some sexy pictures.
Jamie: Glamour shots. We saw this woman at the beach who, what do you think she was, 600, 700 pounds? She was leaning up against this rock face.
Sean: Was she modeling for Omaha Steaks or something?
Dick: She was pushing her hands and giving this extra provocative look over her shoulder to her friend who was taking – I don’t know what they were for, like a dating site? Farmers only or something?
(Sean swiftly achieves an orgasm at the thought of this land cow taking provocative photos.)
Dick: It’s very disturbing. Right in the middle of the day. There was children around. I lost another frisbee in the ocean too.
Sean: Oh, really?
Jamie: Immediately. You didn’t even get to the beach before you lost it.
Dick: Yeah. It was at a beach – there’s a cliff, and you can walk down some stairs…
Sean: Did you go to the one we were talking about?
Sean: Yeah, it’s cool, right? Get the fuck away from Zuma beach. You know what I mean? You go past that.
Jamie: I don’t know what you mean.
Dick: Zuma’s the one we passed when I said Malibu high school. You said, “Ew, Malibu high school. I wonder what kinda douchebag…” You remember that?
Sean: Malibu high school, they do a lot of film and TV there. Like, I’ve been on set there before.
Jamie: Doesn’t sound douchebaggy at all.
Sean: No, it’s a shithole. Malibu high school is a shithole.
Sean: Because, I think they all go to private school.
Dick: What is your problem? So, what, rich people are douchebags, and if your car isn’t expensive enough you’re worthless? This is fucking women! There’s no – don’t try to please them, because they cannot be pleased! It’s a ridiculous farce to even attempt to do so. You know?
Jamie: Bill vs Phil.
Dick: Alright, this is called Land Cow. I don’t know what it is, she just sent it to me. She’s very funny.
(Dick starts the bit)
“Do you need a lawyer who’s grasp on legal theories is tenuous as his grasp on a steering wheel after a night of binge drinking? Then you need to talk to America’s least literate lawyer. Hi, I’m dogbite LandCow, and I’m here to blow up your case in court like I have to blow into a breathalyzer to start my car.
We fight for you!
No actionable claims? No worry! It has literally never been easier to extort a billion-dollar company for a settlement. The only problem you’re gonna have is figuring out how to spend all that money. Sue everybody, what the fuck do I care? Your former business partner who gets laid more than you.
Your former friend’s place of employment.
That barista who spelled your beautiful stunning model activist actress astronaut African-American girlfriend’s name wrong.
Double sued! That’s sexist!
Hell sue yourself, what do I care? Write your complaint yourself, no problem. Saving money, I would have done the same thing. I’ll sign anything. Hell, if you’ve seen my cataracts, they’re bigger than nails. I couldn’t read complaints if I wanted to. At Dogbite LandCow, we fight for you. Get cucked by your co-host?
Didn’t make rent because you spent your book advance on video games and E3 tickets?
Need a lawyer who can put the bottle down and get home safely?
Call someone else!
I might not be able to call an Uber at the end of the night, but what I can do is get your former fans to re-subscribe to your YouTube channel or go to fucking jail. If you have a debt in a net career and a liability of a girlfriend, you have a lawyer. Don’t get a job, get even. Dial 1-800-Cuck-In-Court today.
(The bit ends)
Dick: I forget how much Asterios is suffering and that his girlfriend would really hate. Yeah, he suffers the most.
Jamie: Also complains the most.
Dick: Was I gonna play something before the news?
Sean: I dunno. Is there an Asterios bit?
Dick: There is.
Dick: Yeah, we just heard his girlfriend’s bit. Let’s do the news. I got an erotic story too. Let me do the erotic story first. Fuck, I was trying to get Milo to do a erotic story bumper. That guy, man, he talks never stops! I thought I was bad a that, but he was… no pause whatsoever to sneak a word in. Sneak a wiener in. Can’t do a just try to get your foot in the door. Very difficult. I don’t know if his podcast is like public or you gotta pay a paywall to get in there and listen to it, but it’s pretty funny. I was talking about, you know, women. Feminism. Talking about how feminism is an anti-diversity cult that’s trying to establish a caliphate in the western world. You know, as they are. As is very obvious to me.
Sean: What did he say?
Dick: he laughed. I think he liked the feminism Islam thing that I was doing.
Sean: Yeah, he might.
Dick: Spicy. That’s his level of spice. That’s not necessarily what we do on this show, but he’s a different animal. Different show. That’s the level of spice. You’ve gotta bring the right level of spice to every engagement. If you bring too much spice…
Sean: Gotta play to the room.
Dick: … tossed. Not enough spice, no one gives a fuck. Alright, let me play.
(Erotic story riff)
Dick: Alright. Just in time for valentine’s day, thank god I didn’t forget this. You can listen to this in your car when you’re taking your wife or your girlfriend or your mistress out. Whoever you’re taking out. Or maybe you’re taking your daughter out to show her how a man should treat a woman on valentine’s day, that’s perfectly normal too.
Jamie: Or maybe you’re taking yourself out.
Dick: Ha, like a loser. Just stay home. Don’t ruin everybody’s valentine’s day night by sitting in a restaurant by yourself.
Sean: How selfish.
Dick: How selfish can you be? Everybody’s gonna be whispering, “you see that person over there, just sitting by himself?” C’mon! Get a room buddy. Don’t just suit there by yourself on valentine’s day. This comes from Cooper the roofer.
“Hey, Dick, Cooper the Roofer here. I’m the guy that fell in love with the hooker.”
Dick: I’ve got a couple videos, but I don’t think that they’re funny enough. I’ve got 2 erotic stories from a real man.
“First off, let me preface this by saying I’m totally straight.”
Dick: Let’s see about that. I don’t think those 2 words have ever gone together correctly. Totally straight.
“I just fucked a crackhead broad for $40 worth of crack. No condom.”
Dick: Jesus Christ, that’s rickety cricket.
“This all started when I lost my housing. I was sleeping at random construction sites I worked at and showering with garden hoses. Canada, however, gets very cold at night during Autumn. I was walking to one of the construction sites where I planned on sleeping, when I heard “hey, you want a beer?” As it so happened, I did want a beer.”
Dick: I would too. I want one right now, actually.
Sean: Doesn’t sound like he’s doing all that much.
Dick: Sounds totally straight so far!
“An older gentleman was on his porch enjoying a refreshing beverage and beckoning me over, despite the fact that I was basically crawling to my contemporary home due to excessive consumption of alcoholic drinks. Somehow, I replied that yes, I would like a beer. After I crawled up to his veranda and stole one of his cigarettes, I was supplied with said beer. The conversation was light and actually quite nice until he straight up told me he liked sucking dick. I said, “Oh, cool,” as I quickly finished my beer and gathered my stuff. he then asked me if I liked doing drugs. I do, in fact, like doing drugs. Many drugs, many kinds, and many types. I said yeah dude. he asked if I had done poppers. In Ontario, poppers can refer to a type of bong rip that involves a straight shaft stuffed tightly with a bit of a cigarette and a small amount of weed.”
Dick: That’s a spliff, isn’t it?
Jamie: Explain it again.
Dick: A bong rip that involves a straight shaft stuffed tightly with a bit of a cigarette and a small amount of weed. A re-rolled cigarette with weed in it is a spliff. It’s not a bong, but it’s what he’s describing.
Sean: I’ve never smoked one of those. Like a cigarette, most of the tobacco…
Dick: Yeah, it’s good for walking, because tobacco keeps it light, and you can draw it normally.
Jamie: Someone says poppers is amyl nitrate.
Dick: That’s what it actually is.
Sean: In the 60’s.
Dick: An old guy would call amyl nitrate a popper. That will get you high and ready for buttsex. Due to this, and the context of him being gay, that he was referring to amyl nitrates.
Jamie: I ruined it.
“No, I haven’t, but I’ll try it. After several more beers, cigarettes, and a bottle of amyl nitrates stuffed up my nose, my new friend asked if he could suck my dick. I replied, “Well, I guess a blowjob is a blowjob. Turns out a blowjob is not just a blowjob. Despite me imagining…”
Jamie: Ain’t that the truth.
“… all my hottest exes and craziest, dirtiest sex, even with my eyes closed, I could still see an old fat guy sucking my peen. I quickly finished my beer and kneed his face off of my previously woman’s only area. I said, “dude, this is gay. I have to go.” I put my floppy man meat back in my banana hammock and pulled up my overalls and grabbed my tools. I then proceeded to run away to an empty house to sleep on a bag of insulation. I had to change my bank home branch once I saw him working there. – Cooper the Roofer.”
(erotic story riff)
Sean: Well, that’s about the saddest story I ever heard.
Dick: Just a guy – that was that old man’s game plan.
Sean: Was all to get him to open an account at that branch. Kinda backfired.
Dick: Alright, you got some news, Jamie?
Jamie: I got some news. Alright. So, the Olympics started this week.
Dick: Yipee, every women over 50 is thrilled.
Jamie: Great, grand, wonderful. The Olympics have started, and they’re already pissing people off. So, NBC had to apologize after Japan comment draws anger in South Korea. (Worst Korea.)
) The American network, NBC, has apologized after one of its enlists drew anger for a comment during coverage of the Pee-yong-chang?
Dick: Pyongchang, sure.
Jamie: Pee-yong-chang Olympics that seemed to gloss over South Korea’s (Worst Korea’s) painful history with japan.
Dick: But you have to say it in their accent, though. Like, people say. You know when newscasters will slip into the Spanish accent?
Jamie: Do that if they have a good tan. I wouldn’t be able to pull that off.
Dick: You gotta do it like them.
Jamie: I couldn’t be able to pull that off.
Dick: Like from (in an Asian accent) “Pyongchang.”
Jamie: Unless I had spent a month tanning prior to the story.
Dick: Okay, your tanning, we get it.
Sean: So the lipstick’s coming out.
Jamie: … That seemed to gloss over South Korea’s (Worst Korea’s) history with Japan, its former colonial master. The analyst, Joshua Cooperamo made the comment while appearing with Katie Kuerick and Mike Treecko during a ceremony on Friday. During that, Prime minister… Shinzo?... Shinzo Ayb of Japan was in attendance.
Sean: Abe, isn’t it?
Sean: His name.
Dick: I have no idea.
Sean: Of Japan, right? A-B-E?
Dick: I dunno.
Sean: I’m not high, am I?
Dick: What’d you say? Abe? [Ayy-b]
Dick: No, it’s Abe. [Ah-bay] Named after Honest Abe, one of the first prime ministers of Japan. he ate the royal coy, couldn’t tell a lie about it. Everybody knows that Japanese Abe. Honest Abe.
Jamie: he described Japan as a country that occupied Korea from 1910-1945, but every Korean will tell you that Japan is a cultural, technological, and economic example that has been so important to their own transformation.
Sean: So he whitewashed it?
Jamie: Yeah, so he apparently – he highly pissed them off.
Sean: Yeah, I don’t doubt it.
Dick: I do. I don’t think anyone cares.
Sean: I think the Koreans care.
Dick: I don’t think so. I think that – hold on, I don’t think that anybody actually cares. I think that a media conglomerate cares. This is a conspiracy for NBC to work on their apology, and then the other station will work on their gracious acceptance of the apology. They just do it back and forth to get themselves in the news.
Sean: I don’t know the history, Japan and Korea, the same way that they I do about Japan and china, but I know that the Chinese – they care. Chinese people, they care. If that’d happened with China.
Dick: Eating. They care about a dust bowl. Did they actually care?
Sean: A lot of Chinese people think Japanese are absolute barbarians for what they did over the years.
Dick: Do you know any Chinese people who think that? Because I’ve heard that too, but I don’t know any.
Sean: Absolutely. I do. Multiple.
Dick: Alright, what else you got?
Jamie: Oh, we’re done with that? Okay.
Dick: I mean – well what? It’s a long article.
Jamie: It’s a very long article.
Dick: Well skip it. Next one.
Jamie: Okay, next one. Actually, there’s two. There were two crashes. Air flight crashes this week. One in Russia, and one in the Grand Canyon. The one in Russia killed 65 passengers, and 6 crew members. I’m not even going to try to pronounce the name of this airline. It vanished minutes after takeoff and crashed near the village of Ar-gu-no-vo about 80Km southeast of Moscow. Cause is unclear. But, the thing that was freaky about this one is that there were people who saw it happen. They started running towards the wreckage, and then there are, like, actually, I’m getting them mixed up. I’m talking about the Grand Canyon, don’t mind me. They have no idea what caused this, but… Excuse me.
Dick: Are you drunk?!
Jamie: No, I’m not.
Dick: How are you not drunk? What happened to the plane? Here, I’ll read it! (Please read it) I’ll read the fucking news. A plane crashed, people were running to it, and then what happened?
Jamie: I made 2 stories about crashed, and I got them mixed up.
Dick: This is why the news is so hard, Sean. You print out a piece of paper, and these broads can’t keep it straight.
Sean: Sounds like, in the Russian plane crash, no one was running toward it.
Dick: Nobody was running.
Jamie: Nobody was running towards it, nobody knows what happened to it. But, it was interesting to me.
Dick: Definitely nobody knows what happened after listening to this.
Jamie: This is the first commercial pashinjer jet crash for more than a year. 2017 was the safest year on record for air travel in Russia.
Sean: Didn’t fly over any war zones. You know, nothing like that.
Dick: I want to get a replay on that passenger. That sounded like a drunk-esque. Pashenjir. Sean, can you do an instant replay of that?
Jamie: It’s only because I’m nervous.
Dick: You got drunk because you’re nervous? That’ll happen. That happens to me sometimes. Pashinjer. Say it: Passenger.
Dick: G was a little suspect. Say the entire.
Dick: I am a passenger on this bus.
Jamie: I am a passing-er on this bus.
Dick: Okay, that’s drunk.
Jamie: But the other one, the more important one, is the one that happened in America. So, like, 70 people died in Russia, but 3 people died in America, more important.
Sean: Well, with the exchange rate, that’s pretty equivalent.
Dick: Alright, what’s next?
Jamie: You don’t even want to hear about the…
Dick: (interjects) Jamie, I have no fucking idea what’s going on! You can’t read the names, and you put 2 stories together like a mashup! 2 planes crashed? Is that the news?
Jamie: No. 1 plane, and 1 helicopter.
Dick: Okay! This is news?!
Jamie: Yeah?... Of course it’s news.
Dick: It happens every day.
Jamie: No, it doesn’t happen every day.
Sean: What are you looking at me for?
Dick: A snake was born with 2 heads, that’s news.
Jamie: Well that didn’t happen. So, what am I left with? Plane crashes and helicopter crashed. So, these people went on vacation to the Grand Canyon. And, they wanted to take a scenic flight. So, they booked a flight on a helicopter, and they were like, to look over…
Sean: Yeah. Landau guided tours.
Jamie: And so, they’re enjoying themselves, looking at all the pretty scenery. And, all of a sudden, something goes wrong…
Sean: Let’s get a little closer.
Jamie: And the helicopter crashes, and a bunch of them die. And, some people see it, so they go – this is where I left off last time. They go running towards the wreckage, and they see 2 or 3 ladies running, bleeding, and screaming from the wreckage.
Dick: That will happen.
Jamie: Yeah, they said it was horrifying. And, nobody knows what caused it. But, like, 6 people died. On vacation.
Dick: A mechanical failure caused it. Or the pilot.
Jamie: Or possibly pilot error. Or maybe there was a werewolf.
Dick: Maybe someone couldn’t read the manual because they got too drunk before they were supposed to read it. Do you have any more news?
Jamie: I do have more news!
Sean: Maybe it had an ignition interlock thing, you know, where he had to stop and blow into it to keep it running.
Jamie: I’m fine, by the way.
Dick: No, you are not fine. These are the worst readings I’ve ever seen in my life.
Jamie: Is it worse than my Facebook…
Dick: This is worse than your Facebook news. Okay, what’s next?
Jamie: Kelly Ann Conway defends Trump. Citing that he shows great compassion for women.
Dick: Wait a minute, how long is this summary that you brought in?
Jamie: Jamie: It’s not a summary.
Dick: Do you thought you’d summarize it on the fly? What the fuck? Did you even read this article?
Jamie: I did!
Dick: Okay! Then summarize it without fumbling around with the paper! No, don’t look at the paper! What is it? Don’t look at the paper, what happened? What did she do?
Jamie: Okay, so she’s on his staff, and this is the way that he interacts with women all the time. And he’s been getting all these accusations as to how he treats women and also sometimes abuses them. And she says that if he was doing that, I would not be on his staff.
Dick: Okay, there you go. That’s the news. Sean. If he was an asshole, she would know. Kelly Ann Conway Would know.
Jamie: I made a short version of this that I kept reading, and it got spicier is the problem with my summery of this article.
Dick: I mean, there’s a lot of problems. Summery length is one of them. The drunkness is another problem.
Jamie: There is no drunkness.
Dick: We’re gonna give you the interlock breathalyzer system. The microphone’s gonna have a breathalyzer on it. You’re gonna have to blow into it every couple of seconds.
Jamie: Okay, I’ll take that bet.
Dick: It’s not a bet, it’s a thing that’s gonna have to happen. So, what was the spiciness?
Jamie: The spiciness was that there was a guy, I guess I’m not gonna look at his name now.
Dick: You can’t pronounce it anyway.
Jamie: he was – she was getting blowback from the liberals. And then there was a guy saying, “well, I don’t care what any of you liberal broads are saying, because you defended Clinton, who was getting blowjobs in the Oval Office.”
Dick: That’s fine. I don’t care about that. I’m glad that he did. You know, live it up. You’re only president once or twice, why not get a couple hummers?
Sean: he wouldn’t be the first, he won’t be the last.
Dick: Lure ‘em in there with some poppers. Hey Monica, you want some of these poppers? You want a beer? That’s what he did. “Hey Monica, you want a beer?”
Sean: Have you thought about your banking needs?
Jamie: I agree with you.
Dick: Thank you.
Jamie: I’m just saying that that’s what another conservative gentleman said. Basically, you have no room to talk.
Dick: Okay. Good. Thank you for the news! Thank you for the news, Jamie! I’m gonna play this thing that Asterios sent in. he says that it’s some kind of Cernovich bit, that Cernovich has a sex tape now or something.
Dick: Yeah, it’s cool.
Jamie: Very cool.
Dick: See if it’s better than his girlfriend’s, right? It’s a contest.
Jamie: His new writing partner.
(Dick starts the bit.)
Sean: Oh no.
(Dick stops the bit)
Dick: Oh, and this needs some kind of a setup, I guess. Well, god damn it. Let’s see if he sent me a script. “Enjoy, boys.” That’s it.
Sean: So, it doesn’t need a setup?
Dick: I mean it clearly does. It sounds like Cernovich huffing and puffing.
Sean: Isn’t the setup that Cernovich has a sex tape?
Dick: Is that it? Does he have a sex tape? Let’s hear it.
(Dick starts the bit again)
Jamie: What the fuck?
Dick: I think the cumming is too real.
(The bit ends)
Dick: he really hates that guy. Cernovich. Okay, let’s see. I’ve got some stuff from Reddit – some comments from Reddit. The weird masturbator that we talked about got cured. How about that?
Sean: That quick?
Dick: Yeah. he said he got cured. The guy who was masturbating by humping his wrist.
Sean: I’ll be damned.
Jamie: That’s not the same guy as the one who couldn’t cum with his girlfriend?
Sean: No. Different.
Dick: “Hey, it’s me. Glad I got such an honorable claim to fame. I guess I can update you all since my jerking off habits are now of public interest. I took a break from whacking it for a bit over the week. After that, I gave it a shit the normal way, and was able to finish without too much issue. Waited a couple of days after that, and once again was able to do it normally. So I think that at this point, I basically need to not go back to doing it the stupid way. Don’t we all? And I should be good.”
Sean: If only everything were that simple.
Dick: Yeah, all I need to do is not go back to doing the stupid ways that fucked me over in the first place, said every human being who has ever walked the earth. Good for you, Good luck. “My previous attempts never worked, because I never made much of an effort. But now that I was made fun of by 3 respectable, wealthy men in front of thousands of people, I can probably find the motivation to stick with it.”: Very good, good for you. Robert Haedrick12 says feminists… I don’t know what he’s talking about. Oh, he’s talking about the grid girls thing. Remember that?
Sean: Yeah, the F1 thing.
Dick: They’re so crazy, inventing this boogieman. It’s like their religion. They create – feminism is a religion where everything goo and bad that happens to you is because of this omniscient super being called men. And they worship the men, and they go have parades as part of their religion to appease the men, and wear Yamahas – wear pussy hats like that’s their religious garb.
Sean: Isn’t it a pussy bow?
Dick: No, they have hats.
Sean: Oh, no. Because the original thing is a pussy bow.
Dick: No, they have entire hats now that ‘s part of their religion. It’s like the pope wears a hat. Feminists wear hats as well. “Feminists embrace oppressors that aren’t white. I was saying that feminists and Islam are exactly the same. They both want to establish a caliphate in the west, they both need the government to oppressively enact their ideologies on everybody.” You know what I’m saying? Anyway… “Perceived oppression by a group of majority of white men is considered less palatable. In the end, it is evident that women are not necessary” Oh, jeez. This guy gets really into it. He’s saying why they want Islam to come in and take over, I guess. Because being oppressed by white guys is bad, but anything else is fine. They like that. I dunno. Maybe somebody’s researched something. Trouble Planet says, “Dick, in the recent episode, you were pretty grossed out by Tom Brady kissing his son square on the lips. Well, you should know about the Arturo people who are about a billion times worse. The Arturo.
Sean: I was wondering about a culture of something that does that.
Dick: They’re worse. The Arturo believe that young boys must ingest the semen of their elders daily, from the age of 7 until they turn 17, to achieve adult male status and properly grow and mature.
Jamie: How long were you wondering about that?
Sean: In the back and forth of watching the tape.
Dick: I don’t know what kind of… To help them grow strong. But don’t worry, it’s only little boys, because women only waste the life force. Enjoy knowing that for the rest of your life. Go fuck yourself. -Kyle, Trouble Planet.” I don’t know what kind of powers you would get by ingesting your elders’ semen, but they can probably take it. You know? Maybe if it’s like beating Marble Madness that it’s worth eating semen for 10 years. Everybody’s got their price. I’d rather sell my soul. You could play a guitar like anything you want, but I’ll take your soul. Alright, don’t need it. Don’t believe in it, actually. Give me the powers. You gotta eat semen for 10 years. No. Not gonna happen. I’ll just sound crappy. That’s fine. Let’s see here. I got… I’ll do this advice next week. It’s love advice. Maybe we should have done this instead of the news.
Jamie: Do it! I saw my name on there somewhere.
Dick: No, it’s nmot on there. I don’t think so. Alright, MadCucks is… Oh! Asterios is here.
Dick: Hey, what’s up man? Hey, so you got the response back for your lawsuit?
Asterios: Oh, yeah. I can’t comment on any active litigation. Hey, how much work does it take to set up that there’s a Thernovich sex tape out there?
Dick: I don’t know anything – I don’t follow Cernovich.
Asterios: I literally texted you on Thursday! Her, there’s a Thernovich sex tape. I’m gonna write a bit about it. You said, “Sounds great.” That is literally all the setup you need for the bit!
Dick: Well call in! You set it up! What are you, at a toast factory or something, eating toast?
Asterios: What the hell are you talking about, god damn alcoholic?
Dick: Yeah, that’s true.
Sean: There’s a Cernovich sex tape? I didn’t know that.
Asterios: Oh, yeah. No. I mean, look, there is allegedly a Cernovich sex tape out there, and that’s what the bit is about.
Dick: I’m reading my text messages to see… I see we were talking about having dreams about losing the lawsuit. Having you been having those dreams?
Asterios: Oh, god. Yes. It’s terrifying. Could you imagine if this guy wins?
Dick: Yeah. I’ll… It’ll be unrecoverable. I would feel ashamed for the rest of my life. I would feel that loss for the rest of my life.
Asterios: I think that might kinda be it. You know what I mean? If it’s just like – if this guy beats us, it’s walk into the ocean time.
Dick: Yeah. And then start a new life over somewhere else as like a longshoreman or something. Like, up in Alaska, like the end of Dexter.
Sean: Or don’t start a life.
Asterios: Say hello to Miguel Sanchez. It’s open a Cinnabon time!
Dick: Asterios, there is a shitload of texts here I’m going back through to find the Cernovich one.
Asterios: Well, it’s not my fault we text each other like 14-year-old girls.
Dick: Yeah. Alright man, well good luck on the lawsuit. What makes you a rage? You got anything?
Asterios: Yeah, when hosts don’t set up my bits properly! I’ll talk to you later!
Dick: Your girlfriend doesn’t need bit setups.
Jamie: What about throwing up? Does throwing up make you a rage?
Dick: Yeah, can we play the audio of you throwing up?
Dick: Oh, he left. Alright. Alright everybody, this is The Dick Show! Go to Dick.Show. TheDickshow.com. Jamie Lynne Hughes, your news is terrible, but your workout regimens and your meal plans are great.
Jamie: Thank you.
Dick: And I look incredible.
Jamie: You do.
Dick: After having done them like 3 or 4 times.
Sean: You dropped weight.
Dick: I dropped a lot of weight.
Sean: You definitely have!
Jamie: You did a Twitch stream on Friday, and everybody was commenting about…
Dick: The guns. 20-something-inch pythons.
Jamie: And those triceps.
Dick: And the triceps. I’m getting really into triceps now. It’s the new biceps. Alright everybody.
Dick: Jamielynnhughes.com if you want to work out. Or if you want her to come read terrible news at your house or your comedy show, she’ll call you up…
Jamie: Why wouldn’t you?
Dick: … And print things out a couple minutes. She’ll spend an hour doing her makeup. She looks good. Then she’ll print out some news and not summarize it, even though she’s heard it.
Jamie: What’s more important?
Dick: The news. The news is more important. Alright everybody, C U N Portland. C U Next Tuesday. This some is by Anthony Charles Esquire again. How the Cringe Stole Cuckmas. Because Cuckmas got ruined this year. It was stolen by the Cringe. Like cringe, but the Grinch.
(Dick starts the song)
(the song ends)
Dick: Alright, I need some Facebook news.
Captain Jackass has really stepped up his game, unlike some people who have stepped down their game.
Jamie: My game is always hot.
Dick: Terrible, terrible news.
Jamie: Some people in the chat disagree with you.
Dick: Do you need one of those walkers for the news though? Like, so you could load up and not fail so tremendously? You write a summary, read the summary, and then that’s it. That’s the news.
Jamie: Well what happens when you have a whole new story where every paragraph is interesting?
Dick: A summary. You get 3 sentences. Have you heard the news on the radio? It’s 3 sentences. End.
Jamie: What if I just wanted to do it differently?
Dick: Yeah. People have tried that. They got their news run right out of town. For good reason. Here’s Facebook news.
(Facebook News starts.) [01:54:00]
(Facebook News ends)
Dick: Very good news. Interesting. Cooper the Roofer gets around.
Sean: Man, he really does.
Dick: Alright, let’s play some voicemails.
Caller #1 (Probably Count Dankula): When I was about 12 years old, I sold all my batman toiy so I could buy my first guitar, and I was at the backdoor playing it, and I heard some kids, and I went outside with the guitar. One of them threw a stone, and it cracked the finish on the guitar. I just calmly sat the guitar down and went over to him, and I don’t really remember what I did, but I remember somebody shaking me, and my hands were around his neck, and he was turning blue. So, yeah, rage can make you forget what you do sometimes.
Dick: It’s the guy’s blackout rage problem.
Jamie: That’s a dead ringer for Dankula.
Sean: Well, I mean, he obviously sounds Scottish.
Dick: So this is a real thing, that people don’t remember when they get so enraged?
Sean: Yeah. I was half serious on that. Because I said it’s just like some bullshit like attorneys use to get off, right?
Dick: I thought it was.
Sean: Well, no. I’m sure in many cases it is. But I mean, I think there is such a thing as a blind rage. It came from somewhere.
Jamie: I wonder if it’s more scary for, the victim or the person.
Sean: Oh, probably the victim. The person going to be killed.
Dick: I wonder who’s scarier: Someone with no conscious, or someone who’s getting beat to death by an incredible hulk.
Jamie: Afterwards, can you imagine coming to and seeing your handiwork. Like you just beat your sister to a pulp.
Dick: Other than the person who got their ass beat? I think it’s them who’s the scary one.
Jamie: I’m not saying that that’s a wrong answer, I’m just saying can you imagine coming to, and realizing what you’ve done?
Dick: Yes, I have a lot of experience with that. It’s not rage based, it’s not violence based, it’s just, I wish I didn’t text all that stuff. Whoops.
Caller #2: Hey Dick, this is Matt from South Carolina, just listening to this week’s show and saw that letter from the guy telling you about him doing the prune masturbation, and that is definitely a pretty common thing. I mean, I don’t know anybody personally who did it, but I did it for – I found out about that when I was 11, before I could even fucking bust a nut. Like, I was just – It felt good. And by the time I could, I just kept doing it. And then high school comes around, I get a girlfriend, dated this bitch for 4 years, I don’t think she made me cum like twice. And, it just got to the point where sex was embarrassing. But I mean, if anyone else has that issue, you just gotta stop. You just gotta get that sensitivity back.
Dick: Does it feel that good?
Sean: I’ve never done it.
Jamie: You should try it.
Dick: If it does feel that good. Instead of no domestic violence ads, they should do a “This is how you jerk off.” Guys, don’t jerk off in a silly way.
Sean: Because it’s later going to lead to domestic violence.
Dick: Yeah. At least you can stop one. You can’t stop the other with a billboard.
Jamie: Girls can do it that way.
Caller #3: Hey Dick, (?) from Pennsylvania, and my rage for this time is just fucking fat people. I’m tired of looking at them I go to the fucking bank, and it’s filled with fat people. They’re talking about, “Oh, I can’t wait for the Souper Bowl.” This was last week, before the fucking Eagles won. And they’re all excited. “Oh, I can’t wait to fill my fat face with more fat fucking face food!” These women need to lose weight. I say specifically women, because that’s who works at fucking banks. All these women have to do is eat a little less every day. I’m so tired of these people, “Oh, I tried everything I try so hard, I work out!” You’re not trying! You are not trying! Okay, and I get it. It’s probably hard for you because you’ve never tried at anything before. You’ve been given everything, you barely have to try to get into college or pass a class, and now you got a little fat after getting pregnant, and it’s just like, Jesus dude, stop eating! You’re eating something you’re not telling us about. Even my own sister I have this problem with. “Oh, I barely eat anything.” You gotta stop lying to me. Don’t lie to me. Everyone. All these fucking fatties lying to everybody. It’s never that they can’t just not fucking eat something. Alright, so that’s it. It’s just, got people, stop eating! Please! You’re gonna fucking die! You’re all gonna die! Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe we let Darwinism take over and let these fatties eat themselves to death.
Dick: We do, they’re all getting healthcare.
Caller #3: You know how nice it would be? There’s a couple cute girls who work at the bank. If they drop a couple pounds, how nice that would be for me after a hard week of work. I go in to get my pay, and they have a little busty chested cute girl working at the fucking front desk. But now, It’s just some fucking fatty.”
Dick: Here we go. WE got the real reason.
Caller #3: I dunno. I guess my rage is just fat people. So, yeah. Fuck fat people. Have a good one.
Dick: Have a good one.
Jamie: There’s a phrase that you hear in personal training that trainers will tell their clients, and that is, “What you eat in private, you wear in public.”
Dick: Oh, boy. Yeah. I forgot what I was gonna say. I hate that saying so much.
Jamie: Because it’s true?
Dick: No, because I hate those – every time somebody gives me a little quip, I want to put my fist through the back of their head. First of all, I see that smug face you’ve got when you’re telling me that, and you didn’t write that. Somebody else did, so don’t be a fucking hallmark card in my face. I can throw those in the trash, because I hate them I can’t throw you in the trash legally. Even though I want to, because you’re the same. You’re a walking card.
Sean: If you go into a blind rage, you’ll have a legal defense.
Dick: Yeah. I’m about to go into a blind rage.
Sean: You may get off.
Dick: Has that ever helped someone?
Jamie: I don’t know. I don’t subscribe to that idealistic “everything has to be right” fitness. I like to get as much bad things in as possible and still look nice.
Dick: Yeah. I forget what that fucking guy – oh, he was talking about fat people. he just wishes chicks were hotter.
Jamie: he wants a busty babe at the bank teller.
Dick: Everybody’s gotta lose weight so you can get some hot chicks. We need augmented reality goggles, so you can just walk around, and it replaces everybody.
Jamie: Just a regular guy busting his ass every week. Just wants to deposit his check to the busty babe.
Caller #4: Hey Dick, this is Bobby from New York City. Know what makes me a fucking rage? When men make fun of the preference that other men have for shaved pussies. “So, like that natural bush. Are you a pedophile?” Fuck off! Maybe we just like that aesthetic, who the fuck are you to say? Maybe I don’t want hair all up in my face when I’m down there, Jesus. See you next Tuesday.
Dick: I know what he’s talking about. I think the solution is you just don’t talk about it. There’s no need to talk to other men about what you’re doing with ladies. It’s very simple. If a guy wants to start in the conversation of “What kinda pussy are you into,” say, “you need to get the fuck away from me,” I’m not having that conversation – that conversation cannot benefit us. Either of us. I have my preferences I’m probably gonna lie to you a number of ways if we start talking about this. That’s a young man’s talk.
Jamie: This thread comes up in the Facebook group like once every 4-5 months, and I feel like it’s silly that guys are talking about it, but every guy that’s been in a long-term relationship knows that whatever your preference is, it doesn’t matter if that’s what your girl does. There’s always going to be a spectrum of shaved vs not shaved. Just because a girl shaves doesn’t mean that she’s always going to be that way. Men and their idealized…
Jamie: It’s just funny to me, because I see these questions, like “Do you like shaved? Do you like not shaved?” And if you’ve been in a relationship with somebody…
Dick: Like, how do you like your news? I like it written down, summarized. Some people just let it go wild!
Dick: Yeah. Coherent. Sober.
Jamie: You can’t just use a thing and that’s how it stays. There’s a spectrum.
Dick: Alright. There’s a spectrum, alright.
Jamie: A shaving spectrum.
Caller #5: Hey Dick, Sean. This is Jake from Pittsburg. I wanted to call in with a little rage. My rage is single serving army bros. And I know it can sound confusing, but just let me go with it. You know those assholes who right out of high school, sign up for the military because they think, “oh I’m gonna go get a GI bill. I’m gonna get a GI bill and go to college.” So, they go there under the auspice of “I’m just here for government money. And as soon as they’re sniffed out by the hardcore dudes, they immediately dive into army culture. They get army tattoos that need a paragraph and a half of explaining. They go ahead and buy up challenge coins that don’t really exist. You know the guys that once they’re out, all you wee them do is walk around, wearing like Rayband blades, or whoever the hell those fucking razors that (?) used to walk around in. Also, they always have like tap out shirts, because they can’t afford any of the more high-dollar blinged out stupid ass T-shirts and shit. Well, you get these guys out, and they’re worse than frat dudes, because all they want to do is just yap, yap, yap, about the military. (cross talk) And what are you, a private first class at most? Maybe you got up to a corporal. And you’re the asshole whose entire job was folding parachutes, and he makes it sound like he stormed Bin Laden’s compound himself. I just don’t get it. They have this bravado attitude, like, don’t you know who I am? And don’t you know what I’ve don for you? You pleb? Yeah, I know what you did. You sucked up a bunch of free government money, made it through a college that they paid for, didn’t live up to expectations, and now you’re working in the same fucking factory that I work in, and you also do not have a college degree. So, why don’t you climb down off of your high tank, and maybe take a breath for a minute, remember what you used to do in the military, which was fucking fold uniforms and clean pistols. You are not important. Not anymore. It’s like those guys who can’t stop talking about how they were such a great football player in high school. What do you do now, deliver pizzas? Bye bye. Anyway, go fuck yourself.
Dick: There is, like.
Sean: Did he just call out like his buddy or his brother?
Sean: Hey, I’m a person too, dad! God damn it!
Dick: he just left home from. There’s like teachers, military guys, and cops always need our thanks. There’s never enough thanks to go around for them. Right? Do you ever hear – you don’t ever hear – I guess they call them first responders now. But I thought they were always just talking about cops. They’re not talking about paramedics. Like, you see a parade – it’s always those 3 jobs though. Those are the ones we gotta thank more.
Sean: Which ones?
Dick: Teachers, military guys, and ops. It’s suspicious, because it makes me think we’re paying them with thanks instead of money, which I don’t like doing because I don’t like thanking for anything, even snacks. I don’t need my thanks to myself, and 3, I think they’re getting a raw deal. They’re getting sold – they’re covering themselves and taking on this whole personality instead of getting the money they deserve for it. It is aggravating. The economy of thanks is fucking annoying. Because, a pack of cigarettes has to say this will cause cancer on it, because we don’t trust people t know that. And maybe it works, I don’t know! But they you’ve got every Souper Bowl game saying “everybody, let’s give thanks to the fucking military.” Where is the little warning that says “If you do this, you gotta shit in a bag in the desert for months! You have to have no access to pussy in the athletic prime of your life, when chicks are giving it away! Giving it away! You have to voluntarily avoid this paradise time of your life, and like where the fuck is that label? Everybody rise. No, everybody turn to the nearest young man that you know, and say, “dude, fucking think twice before doing this, because you are getting sent over there for fucking oil! For bullshit!” Right?
Sean: You’re getting sent there for whatever reason they happen to come up with. If your life ain’t your own.
Dick: And you might just be folding parachutes. Like, there’s not gonna be a dragon for you to slay. If you want to do it, do it.
Sean: Think about it, be sure that’s what you want to do.
Dick: Don’t let this parade rope you in and make you think – don’t let it trick you, and make you think it’s something you gotta do. “I’m gonna be in the Souper Bowl. I’m gonna be on the field in the Souper Bowl.” You’re not. You’re not. No. You’re just gonna be explaining your tattoo too many times. Alright.
Caller #6: Hey Dick, This is Jake from Michigan, just want to leave you a quick little message about how much I hate the fucking snow! Been sitting on the highway in park for the last 20 goddamn minutes because these fucking people can’t drive. I wanted to call the (?) and say, “hey, I’m pissed off because I can’t get a fucking truck!” I’ve been driving this little piece of shit car for the last goddamn fifteen years, and I just want a fucking truck to get to work to get out of the fucking snow, but now I feel like it wouldn’t fucking matter. You know what I hate? The fucking snow! Don’t ever move to Michigan. You have to deal with this shit constantly. It snows every fucking day, and it’s fucking awful, so just get me out of the fucking snow. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Oh, man. Yeah, I don’t know what it’s like. Snot.
Sean: Probably get tiring. I’d get tired of it.
Dick: Sunshine gets tiring here. Same day every day. It’s like static. The weather’s just white noise. Ah, MadCucks was here, but he disappeared. Fuck!
Jamie: Sean does a good MadCucks.
Dick: he was gonna come clean about his…
Sean: Oh, he was? Oh yeah.
Dick: I wish he would just break in. He’s got a tight schedule.
Caller #7: Hey Dick, hey Sean, I just had a question for you guys. I’ve always been a pretty passive guy, don’t get too angry or try to make people too upset. How do you just unleash the rage and just untether yourself, and just become an angry person to everybody? I feel I’m too nice and get walked all over, and I dunno. It’s just hard for me to stop it. Alright thanks, love the show guys.
Dick: Too nice and gets walked all over. Start small. You gotta start small. One things you won’t get walked all over anymore. We’ll call that your trigger. And it anybody tries to take that from you, you just totally lose it. Like, even somebody who’s just never flipped out like awkward swearing, throwing things. Even if you break down crying at the end of it, it’s good. Good start. Do it again. Don’t ever let – you pick one thing, and don’t ever let somebody take it away from you again.,
Sean: There’s gotta be something that triggers a response, no matter how passive you are.
Dick: Because he said I let people walk all over me, right? So that must mean like asking him for things, asking him to pay for things. You’re never gonna loan money again. No. Never. Never. Don’t even fucking ask me to do it. No is the answer. You’re not gonna pick anybody up from the airport anymore. Doesn’t care. Let them do everything else, but pick that one fucking thing, and don’t let them play that fucking math game. “Well, you did this, so, and I did this for you. All I’m asking, it would be a lot easier if you did this for me.” Just say absolutely fucking not! And then it won’t feel good! It’ll feel like shit. You go inside and say “I could have easily helped this guy. Could have easily done it, I must be a bad friend.” Fuck it. Get over it.
Jamie: They’re very attached to that giant score card in the sky.
Jamie: With the – I did this for you, so you should do this for me. They’re very attached to that idea.
Dick: Yeah, because they’re trying to manipulate you. Uh, that’s good. We’re done with that. Dang it, MadCucks had to go back to work. Well, we got Nick. Test says, “How can I get a boob guy with only C’s?” Well don’t trick him. Oh, man Don’t try to trick a guy with the paddery, you know? Women have bras that hold their shape. And they’re not just supportive, they’re giant foam contraptions. I was so disappointed one time I got a girl’s bra off and it was like her tits came off with the bra. It’s like, what the fuck – what is this shit?
Dick: What’s fun?
Jamie: Putting them on.
Dick: Oh, it’s fun for you guys to put them on? Yeah, play pretend Do it in the privacy of your own bedroom, please. Or at least let a guy know by date number 2, that this merchandise is phony. That stuck with me forever. It was so traumatizing, like, “Oh, what?!” And I’m trying to keep hard and not react to it. It’s like, bitch, come on, man! What is this shit? Like, I can’t imagine that level of perpetrating something so maliciously deceptive on – oh, I’m not a woman. Of course, I can’t imagine. But it was so bad. And she had those little chicken cutlet things too. The little silicone place-ins. She owned them. She wasn’t employing them against me, but she owned them. God! I never got over that. We dated for a long time, and I never got – every fucking time, it was like in my brain. And she would wear the bra out again, and I was like, “You bitch, that’s not – you don’t look like that.”
Sean: Lying to everybody in this room.
Dick: Yeah. Fucking lie. Don’t ever tell me anything other than I’m not extremely vain again if you’re going around with completely fake tits. Not fake.
Sean: Not the good fake tits.
Dick: Not fake tits that you commit to.
Sean: Yeah, because that’s a commitment.
Dick: Commitment. It’s about commitment. She wasn’t committed to anything.
Sean: The fair weather fake tits.
Sean: Frontrunner fake tits.
Jamie: To be fair, they are expensive.
Dick: The commitment fake tits can still be enjoyed.
Jamie: Well, no, you’re wrong.
Dick: This is enjoyment for one, and it’s not me.
Jamie: That’s what you’re concerned with.
Dick: That’s what I’m concerned about. So, yes, there you go. Don’t deceive.
Jamie: What he’s saying is get a boob job.
Dick: No. Don’t get a boob job for a guy. Get a boob job because it looks better.
Jamie: Best investment I ever made.
Dick: Yeah, I dunno. Boobs are boobs. It’ll be alright. It’ll come around.
Sean: C’s aren’t small.
Sean: I mean, maybe to a die-hard boob guy, they want bigger.
Dick: You don’t want a boob guy, they’re very immature. Can’t commit. That’s the fucking joke, 80’s girl. Thank you. Alright. That’s enough.