The Dick Show

Episode 90 - Dick on The Dick Show Album

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean Jacobson, Peach Saliva, aciou, lakembra, samglaze

[Theme Music]

Dick: Oh my God. I cannot put a fucking lot together to save my life.

Sean: Really?

Dick: A lot of shit going on.

Sean: Must have been quite an evening.

Dick: It was. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff going on.

Sean: There's only one thing that matters to me though.

Dick: What's that?

Sean: I made the lawsuit. [laughing] Finally. [laughing]

Dick: Oh yeah, very good. I'm going to start on that. [show intro] Yeah! Hah! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you got it! It's the show. Where everything is a lawsuit coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep, deep, deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host Dick Masterson AKA the twenty million dollar man. Joining me as always is Sean.

Sean: Hello Dick!

Dick: What's up buddy? Proud day for you isn't it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You're finally in the dumbest LOL suite to ever be made. You finally made it.

Sean: I did! I've hit it the big time.

Dick: [laughing] With a really incredible quote. That I don't even want to repeat.

Sean: I like how they're really addicted to punctuation and things too.

Dick: Apostrophiles. The bicyle boys?

Sean: Well yeah because it's like my name is Sean and I'm referred to in the lawsuit as Sean.

Dick: [laughing] Sean going by his stage name, Sean. [laughing]

Sean: Sean. I like that. It's the first thing I noticed.

Dick: I mean, why would someone put that quote about them in a document that- okay. I got bigger more important announcements first. I don't want to talk about the lawsuit all that much.

Sean: [laughing]

Dick: The Dick show album is out.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The Dick show album is out. The guys, The Cumbra, Sam Glaze, Todd Cidel, Waterboy and aciou Vistas. They launched the Dick show album on friday and it is number seven in the world. It's number seven on band camp. On band camp's front page is the Dick show album.

Sean: Awesome.

Dick: It's incredible.

Sean: Did you expect anything less?

Dick: You know, at this point, I don't know. I would have been disappointed if it didn't get on the front page for those guys because they put like a year's worth of work into it and the songs are incredible man.

Sean: I'm listening to it today.

Dick: You haven't listened to it yet?

Sean: No.

Dick: Okay yesterday I spent- I was saving it too.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I've never been excited for something like this in quite a long time. You don't get to have that much -- I didn't want to eat it piece meal over the last year. I didn't want to have a snippet of the album played to me.

Sean: That's smart.

Dick: Cause then the song's change and evolve and it's never like experiencing it in it's entirety which is what I wanted.

Sean: Sure! People can't wait for a record to come out. At least that's what it used to be. You don't want to watch the food being made or like oh season this a little differently or whatever and then it's old news by the time it's like this, you know.

Dick: So I saved it all up. I really edged myself, you know? Edged myself for an entire year. They would send me these tracks. I'm like look guys, I really want to listen to this cause you guys are incredible musicians but I want to save it up. The one big kahuh! You know? Get it all out. I listened to it live on a stream. I did a live stream. I listened to it live and just told stories and bullshitted. Bullshat as Jamie would say, while I was listening and it was- it's fucking incredible man! It's structured like the show. So there's like an intro and then like there's a what's up buddy song next.

Sean: Oh that's great.

Dick: There's a-

Sean: It's a concept album.

Dick: It is slightly a concept album and then at the very end there's forty minutes of voice mails never- that we talk about. From guys like Ken M and Aden Paladin and Larry and Denzel calls in talking about the Den zone. That's his new thing is the Den zone.

Sean: Oh boy. He's a-

Dick: [laughing] they're all at the end. There's Liner Art that comes with it if if you get it at the you get like a liner.

Sean: So that's where to get it?

Dick: Yeah. It's not on iTunes. Maybe it is on iTunes yet. I don't know. By the time this episode comes out it should fucking be but iTunes is a joke. iTunes is old news. The new hotness is band camp. That's what everyone goes by. There's maybe the most disgusting artwork I've ever seen in the liner notes. There's a absolutely terrible and vulgar and crass representation of me as a woman, drawn as a woman, with my- like that Afex twin cover. The inside that you've got to buy it to see. It's atrocious. I'm ashamed to have my name put to it. But the songs. Man! I'll play one or two of them on this episode.

Sean: Oh yeah. Dude, Lacambras got a court- like a court song called hashtag Dick Lies where like Mad Cucks is in there saying- he comes in saying, "Hey Welcome. It's the biggest court case in the universe and we're going to see who gets justice and who is just as." Like-

Dick: [laughing]

Sean: That's the only joke I'm going to spoil and cool Sean is the judge.

Dick: Really!?

Sean: They found the actual cool Sean.

Dick: They did?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Holy shit.

Sean: I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. If you watched the live stream where I listened to it, I was shocked.

Dick: The amount of work that probably went into this and that goes into most things on a weekly basis that listeners send in, let alone an album that has been going on for the last year is more work than I've ever put into anything and I want to kill myself.

Sean: [laughing]

Dick: There's a secret track that I recorded.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. The Go Fuck Yourself song at the end so that was fun. That was fun to listen to. I think somebody got the too. Cause it is. It is the best album in the universe, you know.

Sean: I love this.

Dick: You can go there. If you can't remember the

Sean: Nice.

Dick: Number seven in the world.

Sean: Just like that.

Dick: Remarkable. Absolutely remarkable. Number one in comedy. Of course. That's a guarantee. No problem. Old news. Every single time. Number one. Comedy. World wide? Number seven? Hooo!

Sean: God damn man.

Dick: That's it standing on it's own merits. You know what I'm saying? That's- once you hit number one in comedy and you start pushing into the all time category, you're getting a lot more eyes that don't understand references and the God and whatever mythological lexicon you're pulling from to create this work of art. This is just raw musicianship and talent coming through at that point that's propelling it to the numbers in that category. You know what I'm saying?

Sean: You went from a pond to the Atlantic. I mean, it's such a-

Dick: Marvelous.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Okay. So there's that. Portland, Friday, the venue's sold out obviously but we're going to have a big party at Storm Breaker's on Friday.

Sean: Oh was that at the-

Dick: If you didn't get in, come in with us at Storm Breakers.

Sean: Yeah. We're going to get pretty early that day I think.

Dick: I think so.

Sean: It's like an AM flight I think so.

Dick: Yeah. So that will be great.

Sean: I really like that too that it's become like a meet-up the day before. Like an official, un-official, official thing and then of course we'll hang out for however long after the show too so it's-

Dick: Yeah. I don't know where that's going to be. We'll figure it out after the show.

Sean: Yeah, yeah. But it's great. I like- it's really become- it's funny. You almost get in like a- we've done what, three?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's like you kind of- it seems like we've done a lot more but it's like it's become this kind of a scheduled thing but it's all fun and it's like a little weekend vacation for me. I really do. I didn't think that I would enjoy them as much as I do but meeting the-

Dick: That's going to be on your tombstone. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did. Here lies Sean.

Sean: Typical- yeah.

Dick: Rest in peace. [laughing] I didn't think I'd enjoy life as much as I did.

Sean: Hashtag, better than I thought.

Dick: [laughing]

Sean: No but it's always cool to see the people come out and hang out and just shoot the shit.

Dick: Yeah. Come on out. Sorry we'll get more fucking seats next time. We'll do what we can. We'll make do with this one. I don't want to have people sitting in each other's laps. You know? As Diego the money man, he's like just, "Hey, why don't we just settle at these kind of tickets and they can sit on each others laps."

Sean: [laughing] That's-

Dick: You can volunteer to sit on a lap or or two. Diego, I don't want the Dick show people sitting on hot men's laps like, "Ay!" Diego blames Kean for my toilet by the way. I talked to him. Yeah he said, "Fucking Jamey! Blaming it on him." He goes, "You know what, it was." He goes, "First of all, it wasn't me. It wasn't me because I know that you have so much stuff that you are doing and working on. I saw that it was broken and I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell you cause you have so much to stress in your life."

Sean: He talks like Antonio Banderas.

Dick: Yeah. He said, "I think I heard Jamey on the show blaming the toilet on me. Ayy.. Payaso. No. This is not true. No it was- I know you have so many things going on I did not want to spoil your amazing super bowl party".

Sean: Good times.

Dick: "You have good times. You're having such a good times. I did not want to spoil it for you with your broken toilet. It's just another thing that you've got to fix on your list on your list of things to fix. My friend, amigo, Me armano." And I was like alright Diego, was it Cordil? "Ay no. It wasn't Cordil." [laughing]

Sean: [laughing]

Dick: I said okay. Your alibi is- that's a good reason that you've cooked up, that's a believable reason. Everyone is still a suspect but that's a good alibi. And he said, "You know, I think that it was Kean with his big - I forget his [inaudible] - with his big muscular hands. He probably ran in there and just smashed it up. Smashed your toilet and broke it. That is what I think. He flushed it with vigor. With great vigor." So he's blaming it on Kean. I guess I got to get Kean's side of the story. While I'm being- if you're up on the lawsuit stuff, I'm being hit with a temporary restraining order.

Sean: [laughing]

Dick: Not just me, the entire internet is being hit with it. An emergency Sean. Temporary restraining order.

Sean: Temporary restraining order. Well you know what the fuck thing is, I just picture him cowering under his bed with the shades drawn. The blanket's pulled down over the bed.

Dick: There's a hoard of soup under the bed for Maddicks to survive on in case it's not granted and I'm still at large talking into a microphone in my house.

Dick: Everyone on the internet.

Sean: Temporary restraining order based on-

Dick: Based on things like me wearing this shirt that I'm wearing right now that has a whale on it that I got in Hawaii on vacation cause the boys liked it. It's like a cartoon whale and the temporary thing where it's like, "Oh this picture of Dick is clearly meant to reference faster [?] Whales. This is part of his diabolical scheme to intimidate." I'm like it's just a fucking shirt, you morons. Bicycle boys. What's fucked is that I know what is an emergency temporary restraining order because 80's girl had to get one and was granted one. It was like here's this person who says exactly what they're going to do, call my work, and get men lie and make things up to get me fired and then they immediately did it and then they said they would do more things or else. This is why you have the show. This person said they would do this thing that's illegal. Or I think it's illegal. I don't know. Then they did it. I'm talking about mental Jess, then they did it and then they said they were going to do it again. Can you please grant me this emergency restraining order.

Sean: Then they said of course.

Dick: I said yes. Yeah. We can do that. It's not this guy's wearing a shirt with a whale on it and everybody's writing parody songs about me. You've got to stop it. Stop these maniacs. It's fucking incredible that this is in court Sean. Like it's absolutely preposterous!

Sean: So what happens? Somebody has to rule on that right? I mean-

Dick: So judge has to look at it and I fucking- I hope to fuck says, "What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?" This doesn't- this isn't even close to what this thing was invented for. Why are- You know what, I'll tell you-

Sean: It's still hard not to be shocked by it.

Dick: It is.

Sean: It's still hard not to be shocked even though it's completely par for the course and he's done the same stuff over and over again where anybody with two brain cells that get within striking distance of one another to have a form of complete thought.

Dick: Yeah. You know what, I'm going to tell you something. I have a new working theory for all of this. I've changed this. The speed of the restraining order has changed my thinking cause new shit has come to light. You know what I'm saying? It's changed my thinking on it because I used to just think when this all started I thought, oh Maddicks is just ass blasted that he can't get his way and this is just like his version of the yap yap yap yap email. That he's fucking- like this- the lawsuit was so stupid and preposterous to me and shot out of a fucking cannon. I'm like clearly this is Maddicks cause Maddicks is not a smart guy.

Sean: No as it turns out.

Dick: He's never been a smart guy. He just talks about how smart he is but he is not smart and I have a story to prove that that I will tell in a moment. The Maddicks IQ test story.

Sean: Well it's-

Dick: I don't think I've told it before.

Sean: No but it's funny how many of the things like the taking things literally and just stuff that what is really happens on a much greater scale with him than what I had thought, you know? Where it's like oh okay. Missed that. You know, but it's like no no no. That's the whole guy.

Dick: And I used to think this was all him driving it. All Maddicks driving it but I have thought long- after this temporary restraining order where I'm thinking, what caused this? What was the cause? What generated this? Because I've been consistently shitting on Maddicks since he stole the fucking feed.

Sean: It's the fact that Lando's been brought into this situation.

Dick: Well I don't want to say what- I don't want to make any guesses but I will say this.

Sean: I'm speculating.

Dick: Guys like Maddicks, they sit in their houses and they bitch and complain and they sit in coffee shops and bitch and complain. They make fucking YouTube videos about how someone is a rape apologist or whatever the name de jour is, right? Whatever the pariah with the parial term, I don't know if that's a real phase but whatever will make you a pariah among a group, they will try to make everybody think like that. It's a manipulative tactic. That's what I'm used to him doing. You know, and if you listen to the show that's what he says that he does. He says many times and he knows who spreads the "Hah gosh" and he'll give them faulty- he'll give them "Fools gosh" he gives them "Made up gosh" shit that he just wants to get spread around. He said it many times and he fucking- according to history, he does do that. And then I thought, so that's kind of out of character. The law suit is kind of out of character for somebody who does that right? It's not. It's different. It's different because it's very active the lawsuit is. Is what I'm saying and Maddicks does not have a history of that. He has a history of failure to execute which I suddenly found interesting. Right? So I started thinking, another thing I know about Maddicks, he's very easily manipulated by attractive men. He's- Maddicks is the guy who tried to fuck up people's prom nights. Do you remember? Or fuck up them hooking up by whatever he said he drove up to the make out point. He was honking his fucking horn cause he's obsessed with getting- he wants attractive guys. He wants their love. Is what I'm saying and I've seen it obviously. Obviously I couldn't talk the guy into shit because I don't look like one of those guys. I don't talk like one of those guys. I don't act like a fucking American psycho. But guys like Ryan Holiday, do you remember when he was on the old show? And Maddicks like prepared snack bowls and like a charcuterie plate and was like hanging out and goosing his afro like, no fucking reason. Was he doing this stuff- even at the time was like, why the fuck- why are you kissing this guy's- like are you in love with this guy? What the fuck is- What are you doing? And I've seen it happen a couple times where attractive men can talk him into shit. Like he just, anything they say he goes goo goo over it. You know what I'm saying? So then I thought this, how the fuck is this being funded?

Sean: Well that's-

Dick: How is such an insane lawsuit being fucking funded?

Sean: No sure. I've thought that from the beginning.

Dick: Because these are 60 page documents being sent to me and I heard that Maddicks sold some kind of a script to like Amazon or something like that. Cause you remember, when he sent his dumb book newsletter out, it was, "Here I've been working on a bunch of scripts. There's nine scripts. Check these out." And I've written scripts with that guy. He can't write for shit. I have his drafts of his scripts -- are fucking terrible. So I'm thinking if he actually got things done, he's got to be working with somebody.

Sean: Well that's the thing like you said, failure to execute. I mean it takes him- I know how he is. I mean he agonizes over every little thing so-

Dick: And believe me, I can relate.

Sean: So it's like, yeah. People like how you-

Dick: That don't tend to get things done. That's how you get him to sell shit. You gotta sit there and you gotta go to the meetings. You gotta listen to what the other side wants like, you have to make the sale. So if something was sold, for some kind of advance. Let's say you know, a cartoon- like say a cartoon advance is twenty grand. Twenty or thirty thousand dollars, right? For a cartoon. They pay you an amount to put the scripts together. I know cause I think I sold two shows and they both worked very similarly. They give you a little advance to put the show bible together and to write some scripts and then the contracts says if it gets picked up, this is what you make. You make X per episode, right? Cause most things just don't ever get picked up.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: But you do get money. You do get money for selling it. For selling the idea. For getting to the first level of the machine. The meat grinder. If he did get twenty or thirty grand, to some people, that would look like just a big rich juicy pussy waiting to get fucked. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Sean: Yeah. Sure.

Dick: That's the way the world works. That's why when you want to win the lottery, you don't tell anybody. Because somebody smarter than you is going to come after you to try to get your money. And people don't have experience with getting rooked. They don't know what- especially a guy who's extremely vain and ego- like do you remember when Maddicks was confronted by Joan? Outside of UCB. Joan confronted-

Sean: I just heard this story.

Dick: And said, "Really? Twenty million bucks? Like that's what you're doing to Estereos? A guy that you've known for ten years. Like, are you fucking serious?"

Sean: And he said-

Dick: And he said it was the lawyer's idea. And at the time I thought, "Oh what a pussy. He's just, you know, deflecting." Now I'm wondering-

Sean: Maybe not.

Dick: What if that was fucking true?

Sean: Yeah. What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

Dick: Yeah. It all hit me at once. Once I got hit with this, I'm like, wait a minute. This isn't- I feel like I'm being fucked with by somebody else now.

Sean: Because it's so in character.

Dick: I felt, I thought I was being fucked with by Maddicks for a long fucking time but now these hits that I'm taking don't feel the same. I know. It's like you know, you're kissing somebody in the dark. I know when I'm kissing my wife and when I'm not. I know I'm not getting fucked by the same guy now. You know what I mean? So I got to do some thinking about it because that's different. That changes everything. Anyway, I know he's not a smart guy. This- I'll tell this quick story. Then I'll tell you what makes me rage. I don't want to spend too much time on this. Maddicks one time was all bummed out. I went over to his house and says, "Hey, what's the deal? Why are you all bummed out?" He goes, "I just took an IQ test." I was like, "Yeah?" and he goes, "Yeah I didn't get very high on it."

Sean: You take one of those like online ones?

Dick: Then I said, "What did you get?" You never get a chance to over under somebody like this. Like people are very guarded about their dick size, their IQ and how much money they make. Men are. And how many chicks they fucked. So it's rare that somebody will let you know honestly, when it's indirect to the conversation and then he just happened to let it slip, right? So I'm like, "What did you get? Like 105?" You know, not that there's anything wrong with that but just stop fucking bragging about how smart you are. If you're right smack in the middle.

Sean: Alright. Sure.

Dick: It's like bragging about you have a huge dick and then you're like, "Oh you've got a five inch dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that but what the hell are you talking about? Stop it." And he goes, "Uh 107." and I was like oh yeah?

Sean: So you were like, you nailed it.

Dick: And then he said, the next line, which I've never forgot was, "Yeah but there was something wrong with the test because it didn't have a bunch of like pop culture stuff like they usually do." and I said, "You don't have any idea how much- how many- the painting you just painted. The picture you just painted with that one fucking phrase. That means that you routinely use pop culture trivia, short for trivial knowledge, to base-

Sean: Intelligence.

Dick: Your own conception of your own intelligence and that this is something you've done more than once. I could see how you might be bummed out in that case, so I know. Anyway-

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Yeah that was a funny day. Funny fucking day.

Sean: That's an odd one.

Dick: I'll tell you what makes me rage this week. And then I've got the Winter Cuck Olympics-

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: Have come to town. I'll play some Dick Show album stuff. We've got Facebook news a little later. I've got some advice. I really- I fucked my dad over a bit.

Sean: Oh did you?

Dick: Yeah. This week. You know, that's my favorite pastime. That's my favorite hobby. Cause he's fucked me over for so many years. Yeah man. I did. I lost- I think I might have a rage problem actually. After this story. I think I might need to pull that book out and perhaps do some of the chapters exercises. Three, two, one. One, two, three. What the heck is bothering me? That kind of thing.

Sean: [laughing]

Dick: That's a deep family matters cut for you guys in honor of black history month. Family Matters reference. I did fuck my dad over. But I- it had to be done. Sean, it had to be done.

Sean: Okay. Well sure. That's what people with like rage problems want to say.

Dick: [laughing] had to fucking be done man. And I did something that I've never seen done. Never.

Sean: Oh. Well then-

Dick: Never seen done Sean.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Oh it might be one of the greatest moments in pure male rage history.

Sean: What?

: I'm talking about man on the moon level accomplishment but in shouting.

Sean: Oh wow.

Dick: But in men shouting, right? My parents, god bless them. They have this beautiful backyard that is the most peaceful and idyllic spot on earth.

Sean: It really is.

Dick: It's wide and green and it disappears around the- you can't see the fences. There's always a hill going up behind a tree where a fence is or the yard goes around the corner.

Sean: You feel like enclosed and like it's your own private-

Dick: It's like a womb that God made for you to just sit in. I've went up to their house so many times hung over as hell. More hung over than I am now and I'm at a five nut hang over right now. I'm going to need to nut five times to get through this hang over. You know? That's how I gauge them. I say like a one nut hang over, that's everyday. No problem. Two nuts? Woo! This is a five. This is a maximum.

Sean: Good God.

Dick: I'm going to get to four, four and a half nuts and then pass out as I'm working toward the fifth. You know what I'm saying? I've gone up there many a time just to lay on a deck chair that they've got. They got a little kidney bean shaped pool up there and listen to the leaves and the trees.

Sean: Sounds nice.

Dick: Like a rattle. Always the perfect amount of wind. It's beautiful. Beautiful backyard. But, they have got this neighbor with a dog.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: With a husky. A husky looking dog that barks all the fucking time and it drives me insane. It drove them insane. They've talked to the people who have it. Your dog's, you know, fucking up. Your dog's a major nuisance and is really pissing people off.

Sean: Constant barking.

Dick: Constant. And my dad's a deal maker. Every- everything that I am, I get from my mom who is a monster when she gets pissed off. You know? Like she is- that she's lovely and sweet all of the time but when she gets pissed, her lips disappear and her eyes start burning and I've seen it. When she gets soaked- when she gets- when my mom would get pissed as a kid, you could see reality warping around her like, pulling in like you know. Her gravitation was increasing. Anyway, my dad is, he's pragmatic. I don't want to give anybody the sense that he's some kind of a pussy cause he's not. He won't take things but he always deals with things reasonably. You know? That's what I'm saying. He's tried every avenue to deal with this God damn dog that's up there just destroying all time outside. Called the city, everything, written letter, blah blah blah. So I'm up at the top of the fence with little Bam Bam, my littlest nephew, cause he just destroys- he just pounds things. Maybe this is a second child thing but if he's- he loves it. He'll take anything that he can grip and smash the fuck out of- like the guy can throw. The guy can throw a fucking football and he's two. I can't throw a football. He throws it better than me, this kid. Like he's got abs. You hold him up and it's like where the fuck did you get- what do you have abs for? What have you- are you doing crossfit? Where's your box? That's for crossfit. People call their gym. They call it a box.

Sean: Is that right?

Dick: Yeah. They have weird terminology because it's to encourage cult-like behavior addiction. Anyway, I'm up at the top of the fence with this kid. Just wandering around and the dog, this husky, from hell is right there with that husky who hasn't been exercised bark. Right in my fucking face up a hill like rar rar rar rar rar rar and I'm like this is totally intolerable. So I pick up a handful of dirt and fling it at the dog. Just get the fuck away from us. At least take the barking out of my fucking face, right? Grab a handful of dirt, throw it at the dog. It works.

Sean: Right in the face right?

Dick: Look, I mean, no because you can't hit a dog with a rock. They have evolved. They see time slower than us.

Sean: I thought you meant the spray.

Dick: The spray. Yeah. I just- so you know. A dog will see you wind up to throw anything and it will instantly start anticipating it faster than you can even see it do it.

Sean: Yeah. No it's true.

Dick: A dog knows what I'm doing. I'm throwing -- a bunch of dirt is coming at it so it immediately bolts right? It immediately runs back ten feet and I'm like uh! Thank fucking Christ. It's not right at my fucking face. Right? Throw the dirt, it immediately starts in. Once I stop looking at it, it immediately starts in. Brar brar brar so I'm like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I can't throw a clump of dirt that far but it worked once so I find a dirt clod. You ever play dirt clods when you were a kid?

Sean: Of course.

Dick: Most fun game for children in the world. You take a dirt clod and you throw it at each other and you try to hit each other in the head cause then it explodes and gets all in their hair. Try to hit them in the penis, you know? It's a fun game and you play till the dirt clods get too muddy and then someone gets- or until someone cries cause they got dirt in their eyes. You know? But it's completely harmless. The harmless fun of children who didn't have video games. Or had exhausted theirs when they were children. So I pick up a dirt clod. Yeah. Here you go mother fucker. I can throw a dirt clod. I know how to throw a dirt clod. It's not- It's a pile of dirt. It's just going to turn into dust and then I'm going to give it all over my face. That's not going to work at this distance. That I'm at, you know. This is all the algebra, the base equation in my brain doing all of this on the fly. I'm not thinking these things through but this is what's happening. So I pick up the dirt clod and I throw it thinking, just get further away from me with the barking. It's driving me insane and I can't hear Bam Bam's gibberish down there, right? Again, it works. It works fantastically. Dirt clod explodes of course far away from the dog because I would offer you ten thousand dollars if you can hit a dog. It is absolutely impossible with a clod of dirt that is in it of itself harmless, right? I'm just overly specifying that there is no danger and that none was ever intended. You know, so the dirt clod explodes and it explodes up the hill. Now these people's excuses have always been that they don't know when their dog's barking and I have always thought, that is bullshit. How do you not know when your dog is barking? Is the dog on the fucking north forty? I mean, how far from the plantation house is it?

Sean: Maybe a hundred and fifty feet away from the dama's aisle. Yeah. You know damn well. You've tuned it out.

Dick: Cause you don't care. Cause you're garbage. So the dirt clod explodes, and it's- the dog is standing at kind of the top of the hill where the hill stops climbing and then turns into the backyard.

Sean: Your backyard. Yeah.

Dick: The level of their house. So the dirt clod explodes and some of the dirt goes flying over the hill and I hear a very fat, "Hey! I'm Louie Anderson." and I think to myself, bitch, you did not just listen to that dog. You did not just hear that dog bark for twenty, thirty minutes and then you saw and you're doing nothing and then you saw some dirt and now you're pissed off. So I said, no. There's no fucking way somebody just sat there listening to that chaos and did like the sound of dog murdering somebody and just sat there. I have a big problem with that, right? So I say well I mean, I'm an engineer. I know how to test. I know the scientific method. You make a hypothesis and then create an experiment and then test it and analyze the results and if necessary, you either change or refine your hypothesis. So I say okay, again this is my brain doing this on it's own. Not me. Just born an engineer. Nothing I can do about this. I pick up another dirt clod and I think, gee I wonder if that sound will happen again if I repeat the action so I throw the clod of dirt. Again it explodes into nothingness. Couple- some dirt things fly up on the- fly above the horizon and I hear again. "Hey!" and I think, oh my fucking god. That one sounded- it sounded like that one was- it sounded like a movement of getting up from something. A great beast rising to their feet was done during that hey cause it sounded strained, you know? "Hey!" It was also getting up and I imagined at the end of Wall-E, those people, those giant behemoths standing for the first time. That moment where they've used atrophied muscles and perhaps are willing themselves to walk like a human. And I stand there watching Sean and this great- and I stand there like Ahab on the bottom of the hill. Keep in mind, that I have the weaker ground like Anakin Skywalker cause I'm lower on the mountain and I look up and at first, I think that the mountain itself is growing. But then as the sun fades and the silhouette becomes real, I see that a great and white land whale has breached the surface and just breached perhaps the sun itself, has blocked the sun out of the sky and is now standing there grumpily and fatly staring down at me like maybe that I'm some kind of- trying to figure out if I'm edible, number one. But also knowing instantly that I'm the source of the dirt debris that's been flying into the air, right? So you know me.

Sean: I pick up a dirt clod.

Dick: So I said- so she goes, "Was that you?" very fat, very disgustingly. You know, talking with her teeth, lips curled back like a rat. Like a great and fat rat. Like this, "Are you throwing rocks at my do-" and before she could finish the question, I don't like being asked questions that people know the answer to. I said, "You shut your fucking dog up. Shut that-" and I went into a tirade of explotives from which there was no beginning or end. It was only a singular conscious stream of pure venom stretching back until the beginning of time. Like a singularity of frustration and rage. A universe of this was being born in that moment from my fucking mouth and even thinking about it, I feel my entire body turning into pure hatred. Not light, like in Quantum Leap but the evil leaper, the red one, just a distorted field of bile and loathing. Taking form like my mother. Exactly what I described about my mother. I can feel the air coming in and if I just hate more, it will eventually suck in everything I'm laying into the -- so she goes. This fucking woman, enormous, the kind of -- with the kind of ass fat where the ass becomes like a tube.

Sean: Oh God, yeah, yeah.

Dick: A tire.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That bumbles around erratically when they walk, usually oppositely of momentum that you would think but you have to stare into this giant bulbous ass as it grinds and bounces around. You know the size I'm talking about?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The ass comes with its own seat wherever she goes, is what happened.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh she cocks this tremendous rump.

Sean: Oh!

Dick: This basket, this beach ball of ass. You know that cock, that sassy, C - words? Do you know that sassy cunts do when they're about -- when they think they've got you, she cocks this thing and raises her fingers, "If you got a problem with this dog, then you can just call," and I said, "Don't you fucking cock your hip at me! You uncock that hip right the fuck now! You uncock, don't you cock your hip at me you fucking hippo!" And I -- like, and I'm -- then I started with the Al Bundy stuff, you know what I'm saying?

Sean: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: And Sean, as true as this day, as true as every inch of me as a man, she fucking uncocked her hip and took her hand off of her hip and returned it to a normal human position. I wheeled the trailer trash out of this bitch.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Do you understand what I'm saying?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I proved, once and all that with sheer force of will, you can make a person behave in a civil way! She uncocked it and stood there and then just slid back like a demon. Perhaps, on the grease that she brought out when she came to confront, what she was hoping was a much meager person!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Uncocked, slinking off into the shadows.

Sean: And that was it?

Dick: That was it. My dad got a call a second later and he puts the phone down and he was, "Hey, were you throwing rocks at the dog?" I said, "Of course not." Then I said, "Give me the phone. I'll explain. Give me the phone. I'll talk to them. I'll be happy to talk to them."

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: And he's said, "That's alright".

Sean: Oh no, no, no.

Dick: But it's -- I felt like such a piece of shit because I'm like, "Man, these -- your parents live here and you're just fucking things up. You're fucking things up." You are fucking things up by behaving like this but, Sean --

Sean: Some people are never going learn, sort of --

Dick: She cannot fucking live like this.

Sean: No.

Dick: People cannot live like this in this way. I cannot stop it anymore. I can't fucking stop it. If you're going to act like an animal, you are going to get treated like a fucking animal because it's just words. It's just words and you can hear them and you should hear them more often.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You pull that hip-cocking shit in real life, no! Not, no, not ever! Not ever does that belong in a civilized society Ma'am. What you're doing, put it away! Bury it. Bury it with your trailer trash upbringing, anyway.

Sean: What happened to the dog?

Dick: You know what? It come back out. Fucking, we go eat and still a little bit silent because I know. I know I fucked up. I know people are -- I know everyone is pissed at me.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I'm like, "Guys, I just -- I don't know what to tell you. I cannot just sit there." First of all --

Sean: Meanwhile Bambam.

Dick: First of all --

Sean: -- is learned a tapestry of [crosstalk].

Dick: A very important lesson.

Sean: Yeah, yeah. yeah. He's--

Dick: So you know what, I went right afterwards.

Sean: He's now calling you a hippo cocker sucker --

Dick: He actually already knew. My sister sent me a video. I love this video. She sent me a video of him calling the little Irish man a dick.

Sean: Oh boy! Yeah.

Dick: She said, as the recording starts where she goes, "What did you just call your brother?"

Sean: But she had to get the phone out first?

Dick: Yeah, well she know.

Sean: Because she knows it's funny.

Dick: Yeah, she knows it's funny and you can tell her trying not to laugh. She said, "What did you just your brother?" and he's, "A dick, dick." She goes, "You can't -- don't say that! You can't say that." Then he goes, "Okay. I will." [laugh].

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So he already know. He already -- this was before my altercation, and he wasn't around. I stood up there by myself.

Sean: Oh! He was gone, okay.

Dick: He was gone playing in the jungle gym.

Sean: Got you.

Dick: He was fine, and after I fixed the problem, I went down and played with them on the slide. It was great. We had a wonderful 80s girls down there playing with them already and I just went -- I went down and enjoyed the rest of my day.

Sean: Nice!

Dick: Because, it's nothing to me.

Sean: Yeah!

Dick: These altercations, anymore.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I don't feel them anymore.

Sean: Well you have a much different perspective than most people do.

Dick: Yeah, and I --

Sean: Much different.

Dick: -- I have a lot of practice stringing together, the kind of chewing out that most people could not!

Sean: Sure.

Dick: To be fair.

Sean: Oh yeah!

Dick: I mean, you're tempting someone who's got years and hundreds -- and tens of thousands of hours doing what you're about to hear, and you don't know that! You're used to -- that's why guys --

Sean: It's effortless.

Dick: -- get their nipples involved. I don't fucking -- I got, like you understand that I've probably have to talk for 48 hours before I would run out of things to call you. There's going to be no nipples here sir. You've brought nipples to a word fight. You brought your nipples to a gunfight, is the point I'm trying to make. Yeah I don't know. I hope I didn't fuck things up too bad but what the fuck can --

Sean: How could you fuck things up? And what, what the dog's are going to bark more?

Dick: I don't know.

Sean: I mean it is --

Dick: I don't know. It was right fucking there and it wouldn’t get out of my face, and I just fixed the prob -- I've just fixed. I've fixed one problem. I just have a compulsion to fix problems. Get the fuck away from me. Get away from me more. I see that you've had -- I see that you have -- you suffer from bad parenting. Now I need to fix that too! And I do this service for free.

Sean: Yup.

Dick: So, so you go. I don't know.

Sean: Pretty good.

Dick: Pretty good, pretty good.

Sean: Pretty good.

Dick: Pretty good story. Let me see if -- yeah. I was like early [?] -- I was like the --

Sean: Early army?

Dick: Yeah, early army.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, yeah!

Dick: Yeah, that's what it felt like. Drop and--! But I could have made her do pushups.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You fucking drop and give me twenty, pile.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And if it sounds like I'm enjoying that altercation, it's because there's no other way. It doesn't help to beat yourself up. I'm going to play an animated version of Five Minutes. This is one of the songs from the album. I think I'm just going to play album songs today to try to promote it because I really want that thing to --

Sean: Cool! Oh yeah, yeah.

Dick: I really want that thing to sell because these guys deserve it. All the money goes to those guys as I said on the stream.

Sean: I'm going to buy it today.

Dick: [inaudible] stream and it's only $12.99 or something like that. I told them to make it $16.99 but they're like, "No Dick, we want to give people the deal of the century on this music. I said, "You guys are crazy, to offer this album for only $12.99. It should be $16.99," but for some reason, for some reason they just don't want to make -- they just don't want your money. They'd rather practically give it away at $12.99 than the MSR, than the DSRP, the Dick Suggested Retail Price of $16.99. It's what I'm saying Sean. Let me see if I can put this in the video cast. So Nope, made a music video to one of the songs on the album. And in case anybody wonders like the tone of the album, it's not a comedy album. The songs are incredible and if they are funny, its ancillary to the song being a song.

Sean: Cool!

Dick: Like a lot of people were expecting just like a bunch of stupid covers just because it's -- my name's attached to it.

Sean: Sure.

Dick: And Dick, that guy is just a slap ass jerk off. I keep -- he just puts out half assed slap dick garbage, you know. Anything with Dick's name on it, it's got a be just goofy, some kind of meta joke, just fucking fancy L.A. bullshit but this just -- it's just awesome. I could imagine an entire set at Burning Man with this album.

Sean: Yeah, I can't wait.

Dick: It's so good.

[audio playing]

"Hey Dick, Dick Show listeners, not many people know this but my new podcast, "Science Friction", supported [inaudible]. It's recorded on a real life spaceship [inaudible]. But needless to say, it wasn't cheap. Anyway, sorry I was running late but you wouldn't believe the shit that happened to me. While I was traveling the galaxy. [singing] Can you move back the last part? [music background]. I can't wait to catch that Robin Hood and turn him into my sexual slave! [music background]. All right. [inaudible] [laughs]"

Dick: Full animated, animated stereos.

Sean: This is great!

[music background]

Dick: This Sean, is data.

Sean: Oh yeah!

[music background] [audio playing still] [laughs].

Dick: Hello little Sean, on every frame. [laughs]. Oh!

[music background] [audio playing still]

Dick: Oh, it's tight. It's tight stuff.

[music background] [audio playing still] [laughs]

Dick: A little hysteria. The sky captain. Oh!

[music background] [audio playing still] [laughs]

Dick: How the hell did Nope do this? This is an entire cartoon!

Sean: I know.

[music background] [audio playing still] [laughs]

Dick: How about --

[music background] [audio playing still] [laughter] [audio fades]

Dick: Unreal, amazing, animation by nope.wmv music by aciou's. aciou Vistas, available at the

Sean: That's cool. I wonder how long that took. How long does something like that take?

Dick: Oh, it's got to be months to make. It takes an entire day to make five seconds of Animation.

Sean: It's crazy!

Dick: Because Tip Mouse used to have -- Tip Mouse Animation Studio used to have this thing where they -- oops, used to have this thing where they'd have the five-second Film Festival or Animation Festival where they [crosstalk].

Sean: So they do it in a day.

Dick: Yeah. They'd let all their animators if they wanted to take the entire day at work to do their own animation so you get five seconds of --

Sean: Show it at the end of the day.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That's cool.

Dick: Five seconds of craziness, it was fun! They'd all -- it was like a big party. They'd rent out a theater and they intro it and then they just have --

Sean: Oh it's cool.

Dick: -- this insane five-second things.

Sean: You can say a lot in five seconds.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Let me -- sometimes --

Dick: It's easier.

Sean: -- way too much.

Dick: Catching your pocket on doors, that also makes me rage.

Sean: Yeah? So, the little metal flap that the --

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Plus so many nice short, pairs of shorts that way, cock sucking doors and door handles just snag in your pocket is you walk by.

Sean: Yeah. See, if you're shorter, you don't deal with that.

Dick: Oh really?

Sean: Well yeah, because it's --

Dick: Is that a privilege thing, a tall privilege that I'm --

Sean: I think so.

Dick: -- I'm wearing out?

Sean: I think so.

Dick: Yeah. You're probably right. It happens to you?

Sean: Yeah. It's happened to me before.

Dick: Short people probably catch their mouth, like a fish hook.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Got a fish hook like -- they're probably would -- now they're like, "Oh yeah, I do hate that Dick."

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: And when I walk by a door and accidentally catch it in the cheek.

Sean: Right, right.

Dick: Get a fish hook. Okay, let's -- here's another one, pentobarbital was found in cheap dog food told. They had to recall it.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. I remember at certain debate where someone said that euthanized dogs end up in dog food.

Sean: Who --

Dick: Who was it that had that thought that -- I think that's me.

Sean: You, yeah.

Dick: I think that would make the winner because they fucking found a bunch of euthanasia drugs in cheap dog food and how --

Sean: Yeah, and how would they get there?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe it was wild dog food and they just euthanized the pellets. Maybe there's a big -- a new species of pellet monster out in the wild that they have to euthanize then mulch up [inaudible] in the --

Sean: Do you know which brands?

Dick: No.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: I forgot. So, you know, if you're worried about your dog then --

Sean: Then, Google it.

Dick: Yeah, Google it. Let me see here.

Sean: Don't worry. Dog bites on the case. It's a self preservation instinct. It comes from his wild roots.

Dick: Oh my goodness! There's a ton of -- oh let me get -- I want to get the boys and the album guys in here. Let me see here. I asked them to call in. I'm unmuting them now. Sam, this is Sam Glaze, Lakembra and aciou, are you guys there?

Lakembra: Yeah mate, how it's going?

aciou: Yo!

Sam: Hey.

Dick: Crank them up. What's up guys? Congratulations! Your album is a huge hit.

Lakembra: Thank you.

aciou: Thank you.

Sam: Yeah, thanks pal.

Dick: How does it feel?

Lakembra: Surreal.

Dick: Surreal? Surreal to see on page one, the front page of Band Camp in the entire world.

Lakembra: Oh no, holy shit!

Dick: Yeah.

aciou: Thanks, good man.

Dick: A work based on the rantings of an insane person who has emotional issues. Me, I'm talking about me of course. Well hell guys, what's the response been like?

Lakembra: Oh man, the fans of these shows, unbelievable!

Sam: Yeah, definitely.

Lakembra: How good the response has been, everyone has been so supportive. It's -- I can't -- I have no words.

Dick: This is the Lakembra.

Lakembra: This is Lakembra by the way.

Dick: The man with the golden beautiful voice of angel that makes me feel like shit every time I sing now.

Sean: From a far away land and he sounds like he's far away.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But that's good, we know where he is.

Dick: What is it with you Aussies? Why are you so good at singing and stuff and electronics and bullshit?


Sam: Down under autism.

Dick: Yeah, is it? You've got nothing to do down there but crank out and hit -- because isn't it, it's like there's a disproportion in the amount of tinkerers who make cool inventions on YouTube and musicians who are Australian?

Sean: Is that not true? I have no idea.

Dick: Maybe I just have a thing with being [crosstalk]. The new Jews, Israel fucked up. They should have come to Australia instead of the Holy Land.

Sean: Yeah! [inaudible].

Dick: Let's move it to Australia and fuck it. We don't do Palestine.

Sean: Wide open! Wide open.

aciou: Yeah, that's it. We're the new Promise Land.

Dick: So how long did this take you guys, the album?

aciou: For --

Lakembra: A year.

aciou: Yeah, right about it, a year.

Lakembra: Yeah, we're coming up on a year now. Yup.

Dick: And they kept -- they got cucked a couple of times by it. Well it was supposed to be ready when the lawsuit happened.

Sam: Yeah.

Dick: An ice dragged my feet on the track. I just couldn't get it done, Sean. I had so much to sit around and you know, think and drink about -- I dragged my feet. I dragged my feet for so long. The lawsuit came out and then a stereo said [?] came out and then you know, the New Year happens, so these guys have been sitting on this and like refining it for about a year.

Sean: It takes -- it's a lot of work.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: To put the record.

Dick: Yeah. How come you guys didn't get Sean on, for the Sean Song? [crosstalk].

Sean: Don't you dare say. I mean nobody knows the answer to that and I mean, you know that's -- I would feel uncomfortable asking them to speculate [crosstalk].

Dick: All right, I did --

Sam: Sean on 2020.

Dick: The Line Art or the Liner Art is disgusting. Which one of these is responsible for that?

aciou: That's Lekambra, nice.

Dick: Lekambra, for me is a woman.

Sam: Do you want to tell him how they started, Lekambra?

Dick: Yeah, tell me.

Lakembra: What's that? The --

aciou: The Liner Art.

Lakembra: Chick [inaudible].

Dick: Yeah.

aciou: Yeah.

Lakembra: I don't know. I hit up Andy Lee, call of the deep on Twitter and just said, "Just do something fucked up man. I just got this idea," and he took it and fucking made it what it is and it's disgusting [crosstalk].

aciou: It is disgusting.

Sean: Alright, do you guys do music out --? So do you have other projects that you're working on. Lakembra, I know I'm on your Instagram and you're like a family man.

Lakembra: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Lakembra: Yeah, on SoundCloud, put some things up now and then.

Dick: Yeah. Alright, what makes you guys a rage? Lakembra on SoundCloud, give me a -- one at a time. Give me your name and tell makes you rage. aciou, let's start with you.

aciou: Well, the guy of my back fence killed my trees. I'm a --

Dick: Okay, tree murderer.

aciou: Yeah, tree murder. That's a good way of putting it.

Dick: Were they making a lots of noise? Were they disturbing?

aciou: What's that?

Dick: Were they disturbing? His hangovers. Were they making a lot of noise in some way because then they deserved it.

aciou: I don't know why he did it. I think like -- okay, so I'm on a hill right? My house is facing -- I can see the suburbs and all that.

Dick: Yeah.

aciou: He's on the other side of the hill, and the back of his house faces my house and so, I think he's cut it out for me because he must really like the look of my house because I think he cut them down to --

Dick: To see you?

aciou: -- to take a good look at my house. Yeah.

Dick: To get a good look at you. He's probably put some cameras up, make his own little aciou TV, a good watch from outside.

aciou: I mean, he really should just set up a microphone if he wants to hear the music but that's about it.

Dick: Well the only thing you can do is response is you got to kill him I guess. You can't let him kill the trees.

aciou: I was thinking about it.

Dick: Yeah.

aciou: I think you know, if someone hits you, you hit him back with everything, right?

Dick: Yeah.

aciou: So, he killed the trees. I think, yeah kill him.

Dick: Alright, Lakembra, what makes you rage man?

Lakembra: No, I think I'm flying too high. Nothing makes me rage. No, you can't bring him down. [crosstalk] in the world.

Dick: If you have a beautiful voice like that, what would make you rage? Sean you could sing your way out of anything.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Somebody's pissed off at you, you just "Hummm, you're pissed off at me?" right? And every chick will go, "God damn you, I can't be --" Guys will be like, "Man, fuck it. What am I pissed off about?"

Lakembra: Actually, yeah, you know what? Sean not being on the album, that's what make me rage.

Dick: Yeah, me too!

Lakembra: Sean, if we are ever lucky enough to do something like this again mate, you have to be on it.

Sean: I'm in. I promise.

Dick: Okay. Then I get to make a mold of my penis, like i said I would.

Sean: Oh boy!

Dick: Thank you.

Sean: [crosstalk] I take it all back.

Dick: Alright, Sam Glaze, what makes you rage man.

Sam: My neighbor's trees. [inaudible] at the guy and yeah, man. I just had to cut these things down. It’s right. Like you need room to set up microphones. You need rooms to set up cameras.

Dick: Yeah.

Sam: I think it's just a bit rude for these guys growing these massive trees in his backyard.

Dick: It is.

Sean: Yup.

Sam: Yeah, it's very rude.

Dick: Alright boys. What was that?

Sam: Also, my rage is the one day I call in the Dick Show, pops -- pops in my audio interface.

Dick: It can't be fixed. The gremlins can't be removed from audio. Well fuck guys, thanks a lot.

Lakembra: Thank you.

aciou: Yeah, thank you man.

Sam: Thank you.

Dick: Yeah. It was really awesome listening to it live. I hope -- I think you guys were watching it. I saw your names at some point. It was incredible. Incredible, what? Incredible album and it was incredible listening to it live with so many people. There was hundreds of people tuned in to listen to it for the first time.

Sean: It's great. Congratulations!

Dick: Yeah. Do you guys want to give any shout outs, wives, girlfriends, mistresses?

Sam: All of the above?

Lakembra: [crosstalk] Shout out to everyone who bought the album. Thank you so much. It's been a great response.

Sam: Yeah.

aciou: Yeah.

Dick: Cool.

Lakembra: And, actually before I go, Dick, I wanted to ask you a very quickly one question. Road Rage Down Under, is that going to happen?

Dick: Yeah. I want to do it in like September, October, Sydney.

Lakembra: Be amazing, yeah. [crosstalk].

Dick: Yeah definitely. You guys got to help find a -- help recommend a place.

Lakembra: Alright. We'll do it at my house.

Dick: Okay. Fuck it and chop all the trees.

Sean: Yeah [laughter].

Dick: Everybody's taking on the souvenir tree.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Or a kid.

Lakembra: Right.

Dick: We'll bring a bunch of Jews and settle the new Promised Land.

Sean: Yeah. I'll show up with a bunch of seeds.

Dick: Alright guys, take it easy.

Lakembra: Thanks.

aciou: Thanks [crosstalk]. See you man. Cheers.

Dick: See you. Oh man.

Maddox: Wow those guys are really made an incredible album, didn't they?

Dick: Yeah, they did, Maddox what do you want?

Maddox: I just wanted to come in and break my silence about the allegations that have arisen as pertains to the bird statement.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: I just want to say that that is definitely 100% an accurate surmation of fact.

Dick: God damn it. It's not -- it is not! That is sarcasm because that will show up in another document, that he called in and said that it's fact.

Maddox: Right. I've had to start putting the words, "This is a joke," and spliced inside of sentences on Reddit comments, just in case.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Remember when --

Maddox: So then --

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: So then after a lipsies, they're like a lipsies in the middle of sentences.

Dick: You’ve got to put in the middle of words now.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Well we're dealing with the chronically and terminally stupid.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, the thing is I mean when you say things like, asterios and Dick both called me on a conference call, I was shocked because even though I had listened to the show, I had never talked to either of them. How can you tell that that’s not a joke?

Dick: I don't do conference calls. Why would that happen?

Maddox: Well, and it's also -- it’s completely plausible that two people that I've never of or have spoken to or even aware of my existence would suddenly call me out of the blue.

Dick: Yeah. I mean we're at a point where a whale shirt is harassment. Me, wearing a shirt in my own house is considered a -- it needs a Temporary Restraining Order.

Maddox: Yeah. They just don't know where [crosstalk] your shirt is because they're perched up on the other male which [crosstalk]

Dick: No!

Maddox: Look at those arms.

Dick: Yeah. I took a picture with the shotgun that Kaleb made for me and I was wearing the shirt.

Sean: Wow!

Dick: And it's in there, if this is a threat because I'm holding a gun and I'm wearing it, a shirt with a whale on it.

Sean: Yeah, yeah because --

Maddox: But you also took a picture with loaded assault rifle and now --

Dick: And it's called a loaded assault rifle. [crosstalk]

Maddox: I don't know a lot about guns but it looked to me like a box.

Dick: Yes, my loaded assault box. [crosstalk] Alright Maddox, what is --

Sean: Unreal.

Dick: Do you have anything you want to say?

Maddox: Yeah. I've got some bad news.

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Some stuff came up. There's a big super laded event near me this weekend.

Sean: A big what?

Dick: Super laded event.

Maddox: And it looks like I will be able to make it to Portland.

Dick: Oh, that's a shame, man.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Sean: It's terrible.

Maddox: It really sucks. I've mailed a giant box of paper crowns to Portland to be sold at the merchandise table [crosstalk].

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For a buck a piece.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I hope that if I get a chance to see the video, I just see a crowd of people wearing one-dollar paper crowns.

Dick: Okay. I'll buy one.

Maddox: And just know that everybody that has a one-dollar paper crown, you're going to be named in a lawsuit.

Sean: Probably true.

Dick: You got a big group photo afterwards so everybody could -- everybody with a crown could be in there.

Sean: It can be a -- exactly. Yeah.

Dick: And I'll tweet --

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll tweet it and say, "Maddox is a fucking moron with emotional problems and people are saying that his girlfriend has herpes," and then they'll definitely, "I'll -- don't worry you, I'll -- Don’t worry,"

Sean: I got this.

Dick: I'll make a funny tweet. I'll do a spicy tweet that I -- that has lost -- I'm the magic man. I'm the magic mystery man with the magic touch of getting sued! I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Sean: Lawsuit magnet.

Dick: Alright. Well, we're sorry to miss you buddy.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a real shame because Heather [inaudible] was going to be there. She was going challenge Lacey off to a news bay buff [?].

Dick: Oh! [inaudible]

Maddox: Yeah, so...


Dick: Alright well, [crosstalk]

Sean: Is she too busy writing a new article for Cunty Nast?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: The wrong address, yeah.

Maddox: That's going to be listed in the lawsuit now Sean.

Sean: Oh I'm sure that it is. [crosstalk]

Maddox: You know, the funny thing is about the last comment, the comment that Sean made.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is that, the judge is going to see that quote in the document and he's going to go, "Well I mean, he's right."

Dick: Are you? [laughter]

Sean: That'll be the thing that sticks.

Dick: A quote from me is possibly the dumbest fucking lawyer on Earth, like it's a quote for me in there.

Sean: Oh yeah?

Dick: Why would you put that quote in?

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I spent too much time on it. Alright Maddox, I love your Maddox news program.

Maddox: Yeah. I need to make another one tonight with some more news.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I think I might have a law expert on.

Dick: That's good. Oh, I can't wait to watch it. Have you seen the Maddox news [inaudible]

Sean: I haven't yet. [inaudible] Yeah, I knew that he was doing one.

Dick: [inaudible]

Maddox:Do you like the -- that everybody's [crosstalk].

Maddox: The second one. Most people like the second one.

Sean: Everybody says it's better than the --

Dick: Most people like the second one?

Maddox: Yeah, the second one where the scientist is in there.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: I have seen a little bit of it, actually.

Dick: I'm just going to play like the first minute, Maddox.

Maddox: Yeah it sounds good. Just skip past all the logos.

Dick: This is funny though. Oh wait a minute. Let me do that. I could just do this. Cool! It's part of the [inaudible] news network.

[audio playing]

Dick: Oh this three, you want me to play two?

Maddox: No, no. You keep playing this one.

Dick: Okay.

[audio playing]


Dick: [inaudible] warm ups. He's wearing his twenty crowns and he's got a spinning bust of himself. This is better production value than the thing it's making spot of! [?]

Sean: That's what people were saying! I know.

[crosstalk] [audio playing]

Dick: Hold on. Hold on.

[audio playing]

Maddox: "Up first, Twitch has announced recently that it is now banning streamers for activities they do off of their platform. If they find it, that they're taking part in targeted harassment. Yeah, just like Twitter earlier this year or last year." [laughter] [audio playing] [inaudible]. "Sort of monitoring what you're doing off with their State. Twitch is now doing that so, if you're banned from Twitter, there's a good chance you're going to be banned from Twitch as well. Also, maybe -- I think this is the bold step for Twitch because what it does is it allows Twitch to basically take care of everybody who's Twitch streaming stupid music shit with the audio pane and all in one side. What I'm trying to do in my new shows, and some kind of like online target harassment. So yeah, in your face to anybody who would think about doing something appalling like that. Anyway, our next story is about the President in the International Space Stations. Yeah, so President hash tag, not my President Trump, he announced earlier this week that he plans, he wants to privatize the International Space Station. Yeah, they're going to turn into Trump Tower but in space, I think. I think that's his plan really and so, I am pretty sure it's against the Geneva Convention because of the laws about non-proliferation of arms in space or whatever, that was started in the '80s but yeah, let's just hope that this is -- it's going to be the thing that takes them out, takes them blow this stuff, whatever. Anyway, let's go over to see what Heather [inaudible] [crosstalk] news desk and see what she has to say for us. Heather?"

Dick: And then Maddox gets up. [laughter]

Maddox: That’s a totally separate person.

[audio playing] [laughter]

Dick: Its' a totally separate person. [laughs] Obviously, Maddox wearing a mop on his head like a Looney Tunes character.

[audio playing]

Dick: Are these supposed to be tits that you're wearing?

[audio playing]

Dick: Alright, alright wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

Maddox: Yeah check those out. They're on my YouTube station.

Dick: Yeah cool, I'll view on your YouTube Station right away. [crosstalk]

Maddox: Can I talk about some rages?

Dick: Yeah. What do you got?

Maddox: This is one makes me rage. I'm trying to change my slavenly [?] dressed image since I'm being made fun of constantly online and it's causing me unimaginable stress. So I bought some those fancy dressed shirts and here's what makes me rage, none of these fucking dressed shirts fit right. I can't get a shirt that has the right size neck hole. It's got arm holes that are like made for T-Rex. If I got a shirt has the right length arm holes, it's like I'm wearing a dress.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The neck hole is like a small baby neck but I can't find any balance so I end up wearing these damned dressed shirts and I button the sleeves and the sleeve isn't even close to my wrist, and every time I reach forward, it's like, oh this now a three quarter sleeve halfway at my fucking arm! Look like I can't fucking dress myself even though I'm trying my best here.

Dick: Yeah, it's they are really a prison like if you get the right neck hole, then the armpits cut like cut up into your --

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: -- half way into your arms so you're just walking around with like a guillotine on your armpit all day.

Sean: It's hard to find well fitting dress shirts it really is [crosstalk].

Maddox: So short that when you tuck them in your pants, like the slightest movement just they're right out of there. What do -- what can you do?

Dick: We need dress. We need to establish a culture of dress ponchos.

Sean: There you go.

Dick: The only thing that fits [crosstalk]. We just slap a collar on a poncho, you look professional as hell.

Sean: That's formal.

Dick: That's formal, black tie, guess what? I'm collar-poncho-ing your wedding.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Don't look at me in my eyes. You heard that, what I did to that fat woman?

Sean: You uncocked at him!

Dick: Yeah. Well that was the beginning of what I'm going to do to you if you try to shame me for my dress poncho that I'm wearing.

Sean: That's right, that's right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, you're right.

Maddox: I'm all for that. We should slavenly dress should be the new formal. That's what I think...

Dick: Yeah. Alright, get out of here Maddox. I'm really not --

Maddox: See you guys later. Have fun in Portland.


Sean: Miss you in Portland.

Dick: [inaudible] Portland, we will.

Maddox: Buy my crowns. Please, please buy my crowns.

Dick: We will buy your crowns. I'll buy people some crowns, how about that?

Sean: There you go, yeah sure.

Dick: Alright, this is the Winter Cuck Olympics hysteria [inaudible].

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: Remember the Cuck Olympics?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The bit that we did two years ago.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Those were the summer Cuck Olympics.

Sean: Oh okay.

Dick: As it turns out.

Sean: Right.

Dick: So I'm going to read you some events from the 2018 Winter Cuck Olympics that I've got right here. That's Cuck Olympics XXXI, the 31st Cock Olympics. In our first event, the two men watch your wife get plowed by a guy named Bob Sled.

Sean: Ah!

Dick: Get it!

Sean: I do.

Dick: Bob Sled, the -- and the two men, Bob Sled is the event. This is the two men watch your wife get plowed by a guy named Bob Sled. In this classic event, one Olympian goes for the gold with a married chick while her husband jerks off in a closet and cries. They say cuck holding a fetish for the sapio-sexual, making Maddox the winning-est participant in the sports history.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: You can't sue me twice, you weed cringy fuck. On to the second event, the individual men's, tell your girlfriend you hate girls that look like a skeleton, because it’s a men's skeleton that's the event.

Sean: A skeleton.

Dick: The individual men's skeleton.

Sean: It's like the first face luge basically. It's the skeleton, in case you don't know.

Dick: Yeah. The winter isn't as popular so people don't know even what the sports are.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But this is the individual men’s tell your girlfriend you hate girls that look like a skeleton..

Sean: Right.

Dick: Because they do do -- oh man. You go on Facebook, any kind of hot girl, thin girl, fit girl, all of these assholes eat a sandwich. Oh, you got to eat something. I like my girls with a little bit of a -- then you find -- you find a girl of the other variety, find a big girl. Girl, here’s the most beautiful woman in the world. It’s like the complete fucking opposite. It’s so weird because -- and just like okay, keep up the positive shit but why do you have to shit on women who are skinny?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Some girls can't put on weight by the way, they're just -- and they don't.

Sean: That's true.

Dick: Believe me, every woman hates how she looks, okay? Let's start there. So there's no re -- just because you -- like just to boost yourself up for you -- anyway, for your girlfriend, you don't have to take it out on the thin ones!

Sean: Right.

Dick: Especially if they have huge cans, Sean. This celebrated event requires men to get caught checking out a girl and then say, "I was worried about how dangerously skinny that girl was.

Sean: Yeah, right.

Dick: I prefer chicks with a little meat on their bones. Then later that night, you jerk it into the toilet to jpegs from the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, not the plus size chicks though. Those girls are really only in there to help defray claims of sexism. Feel free to skip those jpegs. On to the next event.

Sean: Hundred percent true.

Dick: Yeah, the next event, the ten kilometer date a girl who says she's bi-athelon.

Sean: Ah!

Dick: How about that?

Sean: Good, good one.

Dick: They're usually full of shit if the say that.

Sean: Clever.

Dick: The ones who are bi don't tell you. In fact, they deny it, constantly, even though they are.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: She kissed a sorority sister once on a dare, so now she thinks she's special. Put up with their bullshit because of her can situation, then dump her the moment you find someone who's on your level. Years later, you'll learn she eventually married a balding yet table accountant dude named Mike and win the gold. That's that event, the ten kilometer date a girl who said she's bi-athelon. It's a good one.

Sean: Clever.

Dick: Yeah!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Here's one.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: It's may not be as pop -- oh my God, it's may not be as popular. What am I --? Am I reading a laws -- am I reading Maddox's lawsuit?

Sean: I don't know.

Dick: It's may not be as popular as figure skating but diehard sports fans thrill to drama of our 5th event, cross country re-ing [?].

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Not skiing, re-ing [?], you know?

Sean: Okay.

Dick: All caps, re-ing [?], cross country re-ing [?].

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: In this Seminole classic, Forchainers worldwide freak the fuck out upon learning that normies in fact have access to their boards. It's serious. You got that backwards. It’s not for -- 4Chan is the solution. The rest of the internet is the problem. Don't you fucking -- don't you ever criticize 4Chan, if you know what's good for you. Finally, forget the luge [?]. This year's are / the Donald world win -- excuse me, this year are / the Donald fans worldwide were thrilled to the men's singles euge, euge, not the luge, the euge.

Sean: Got it.

Dick: The men's single euge and in teams of two allow the integrity of our national elections to come under assault by state sponsored Russian actors. Jesus! Asterios really believes that, doesn't he? So purely to protect their own fragile 71-year old egos. I believe that American elections should be decided by American voters and call on all my listeners, Republican and Democrat to urge their elected representatives to tighten their electoral cyber security because next time there-- oh, this-- he just tricked me into reading--

Sean: Is it that son of a bitch?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because next time, the Russians might want to elect the Democrat and that won't be great for conservatives either. Donald Trump sucks and I, Dick Masterson am very much looking forward--

Sean: [laughs] He tricked you into it.

Dick: Yeah. I knew it.

Sean: Very funny.

Dick: -- am looking forward to voting for Kirsten Gillibrand? And--

Sean: Yeah. Sure, sure.

Dick: [laughs] In the 2020 election. Gillibrand 2020. Gillibrand 2020. Gillibrand 20-- they actually-- they think that they're going to run somebody against Trump. [laughs] Come on, Asterios, you lunatic.

Sean: You silly Olympian.

Dick: Isn't that weird to imagine that there's like whole huge amounts of people who are following this like dumb Russian shit?

Sean: Well, it's--

Dick: That it's real?

Sean: Like what-- like what part of it's real?

Dick: Anything? Like that-- somebody could rig an election with like Facebook and ads and whatever. Like I don't even know what they're saying.

Sean: No. You just-- I think what's--

Dick: You rig an election by getting a bus filling it full of poor and old people and driving them from a polling location to polling location.

Sean: Get people involved. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: That's how you fix a vote. Everything else is just an advertisement.

Sean: Yes. Well, no that's true. That's true. It's just to muddy the waters and stuff. It's--

Dick: -- so weird.

Sean: No, I don't-- and I don't think that anybody-- the powers that be on on any side, nobody has said that they believe it swayed the election.

Dick: Then what the fuck is it?

Sean: That they don't want-- that people don't want a potential outside influence confusing the matter, muddying the waters that kind of thing. So--

Dick: Like what? With what? Ads?

Sean: Yeah. Ads or fake studies or fake quotes or fake--

Dick: They're all fake. I mean fake quotes, like we're going to have an election where a computer generated candidate walks out and kills a dog on television and then it's going to be brought to you by the other guy and you're going to be like, I can't tell if that is a real video clip or not. If there's going to-- the next election-- look I'm-- I'm actually-- but in the next election there will be a fake sex tape released of somebody running.

Sean: Oh, I wonder who's that.

Dick: Where the face is put on-- like the face is put on a porn and you're just watching-- you're watching the candidate get butt fucked all over the Internet.

Sean: I can't wait.

Dick: And it'll be-- and it's like-- and this is-- how do you-- who the fuck cares what Russia did, if you're putting computer butt fucking on TV. Like your brain sees it and you're like, "Oh yeah, my guy's getting butt fucked." [laughs] What the fuck am I supposed to-- how am I supposed to [inaudible]?

Sean: When that day comes the bar will have moved again.

Dick: Yes. Exactly.

Sean: Right now. Worried about the Russians.

Dick: We're worried, yeah.

Sean: Next time we're worried about guys getting--

Dick: Computer butt fucking that's going on. I mean I think it's-- like I hate to say-- I hate to say this because I don't think that it's true. I don't believe what I'm about to say. But I think things are so good for us and we have so much money that it-- all it's getting to a point where it doesn't matter which side wins. You know what I'm saying? All that matters on which side winning is who's getting more welfare, the military or the people without a job.

Sean: Well--

Dick: Like that is a way to look at it that I don't agree with but I think it's true.

Sean: No. It--

Dick: Like I don't want to agree with that but I think it might be fucking true.

Sean: It's just-- it's--

Dick: It's getting truer.

Sean: I don't-- either party, it's all don't think one of them has your interests at heart. That none of them give us, squirt a piss about you.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: None of them.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And it's just which sets of special interest they answer to.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And that's it.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They don't care. If you think Trump cares about you--

Dick: Trump does care about me.

Sean: He doesn't give a shit about you.

Dick: Sean, he looked me in my eye.

Sean: Obama didn't give a shit about you.

Dick: That's because he's Kenyan. [laughs]

Sean: None of these motherfuckers give a shit about you. Anybody who's reached that level has long since sold their soul.

Dick: I think Trump cared. I think he cares.

Sean: Care for what? Because why would he do it? It cost him so much money. Why would he care about-- He doesn't even see you as a person.

Dick: Yeah. But I feel like with this lawsuit that winning it is important because it stops proud people.

Sean: Your lawsuit?

Dick: Yeah. Like I feel like--

Sean: Well, yeah. What's that have to do with Trump?

Dick: Because I think that people have-- that's-- probably everyone, if like probably a lot more people, like I don't want to be cynical about it. But I think when people get-- I think some people, when they get in a situation where they can help, they can help and it will just cost them a little bit feel like an obligation to everybody to do so. Even if it cost them--

Sean: There is no way that it's Donald Trump.

Dick: Really?

Sean: No chance.

Dick: You don't think that there's-- that he-- like why would he do it then? There's no benefit other than knowing-- other than thinking that he helped people.

Sean: Other than making billions of dollars.

Dick: He's lost money on this.

Sean: Oh no, absolutely not.

Dick: No, you're nuts. He's lost tons of money on this.

Sean: Absolutely not. His-- all of-- he will make more money the rest of his life having been the President of the United States.

Dick: He is going to be dead.

Sean: He's not going to be-- he could last-- the White House doctor said he's in great shape.

Dick: Best shape ever. But he's got--

Sean: No, no. Not his personal doctor.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Sean: No, no, no. He's--

Dick: But his was fine.

Sean: All of his private, I guarantee you he is worth much more than when he first went into office.

Dick: Okay. How much more could you be worth than ten billion dollars though?

Sean: He was never worth ten billion dollars.

Dick: He has properties all over the-- okay, let's say a billion. Whatever-- how much--

Sean: Well, I mean what's the difference? I mean if what he was worth--

Dick: You think this is about money?

Sean: -- 4 billion? It's money power. Sure. It's- it's- no, there's no way it's about doing good.

Dick: You don't think it's about helping people at all?

Sean: No!

Dick: Oh, I think you're crazy.

Sean: No.

Dick: Like I even-- I think--

Sean: Helping people?

Dick: I think--

Sean: Why?

Dick: I think Obama thought he was helping people.

Sean: How has he ever-- when has he ever shown any inkling of doing that?

Dick: Sean, he brought us The Apprentice which was a tremendous show and it brought a lot of people a lot of joy.

Sean: It actually did.

Dick: I think-- [laughs] He does-- he has a history of giving money away.

Sean: You have to--

Dick: Like he fixed the fucking Wollman Ice Rink, dude.

Sean: You have to--

Dick: That was give money away.

Sean: He did that for New York.

Dick: So somebody else doesn't get it. He fixed the Wollman Ice Rink. You can say that that was all for publicity. But the-- New York was fucking up that ice rinks and he fixed it. He fuckin' he came in and he fixed it. You can't say that he didn't fix that.

Sean: Great.

Dick: But that's like an example like he's so-- he has-- in his mind he saw that and said, "I got to intervene on this because they're fucking it up and the kids got to skate. The people have to skate because they skate and they go home and they pound that out. The chicks are happy ice skating and they get horny doing it. I've got to do this for the man. I've got to do this for the common man."

Sean: I do not believe he's ever done anything for the common man.

Dick: No, like I-- you cannot be that cynical about Trump.

Sean: Oh, sure.

Dick: How cynical is that?

Sean: Oh yeah. Yeah. No way.

Dick: Mon-- just money and power.

Sean: Money and power.

Dick: I don't know, maybe I'm blind to it.

Sean: Yeah. Money and power.

Dick: If I give you-- even the-- I don't know. All right. I didn't know you thought that way about Trump.

Sean: Oh, yeah. That was--

Dick: I've got to convince you, otherwise.

Sean: Oh, I don't think so.

Dick: Let's see. Kimball [inaudible].

Sean: And that goes for-- that goes for just about anybody else in that position, too.

Dick: But he's not a poli-- like he came from just business. He could have just literally done nothing and woke up every day getting sucked off by his supermodel wife who's also like a fash-- like who's-- he-- yeah, he could. Yeah, he could have.

Sean: He could've just done that. Raising his fucking kid and post-- shit posting on Twitter. But there's-- A guy like that-- I think a guy like that always wants more. Always wants more.

Dick: But-- yeah. I don't know man just no possible way do you--

Sean: Always once more and believes that he could do it better.

Dick: Well, isn't that-- isn't that good? Isn't it at least that I can do it better. Like I could at least do this better.

Sean: I don't mind that-- I don't mind that thought.

Dick: The market's going fucking crazy.

Sean: Well, it just tanked the other day though.

Dick: It tanked from 26 thousand. It's up like 25 percent. I mean it'll drop. But it's--

Sean: Sure. Exactly.

Dick: It's in a fucking-- these index funds are in the fucking stratosphere.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Don't give me the tanks shit. It is up--

Sean: No. It's-- like it's--

Dick: It's up.

Sean: It's up.

Dick: Huge.

Sean: It's down. It's up. It'll be up and it's-- look at things over the long haul. That's the-- you can't--

Dick: Over the long haul, it is up 25 fucking per-- that is shitloads of money.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You can't say that's not all him, the market.

Sean: Oh no. What- what-- why is that him?

Dick: Because invest-- the entire market is driven by perception, perception of the generation of wealth and his entire skill is being able to cultivate a perception of wealth. And that's what the market depends on.

Sean: That is his skill.

Dick: Then it's--

Sean: If there's one thing that he has dynamite at, it is marketing.

Dick: Oh, God!

Sean: He is a branding-- he's a bra-- yeah, he's a brander. He's been a brander since the early 70's, since he got control of the company.

Dick: But this is for like--the only purpose--

Sean: The first thing he did was change the name of the company.

Dick: This is the only purpose of the president is to generate a perception of American strength, American economic, whatever goodness. I don't know how to say it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But then he's so good at that.

Sean: Yeah, that's important. I don't know if a lot of people are buying it though. The money from fucking stock markets says, we are.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. It is. What do you-- what kind-- All right. Kimball showed the Maddox breakup letter to 80's Girl to a bunch of high school girls and recorded it. You want to watch that?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I think let's watch that and then maybe do some voicemails and call it a day. Okay. So this is Kim-- this is Maxwell The Silver Hammer showing girls the breakup video or the breakup letter and then getting their thoughts on it.

[video playing]

Maxwell: And then just go ahead and give me your thoughts as you read through it. If you want you can read aloud.

[music plays]

Dick: We had a group of young women read-- yeah. There you go, you got it.

Girl 1: This line that's crossed out, do you want us to read that?

Maxwell: Yes. That was how-- this is-- I think it's transcribed as it was originally presented.

Girl 1: Oh.

Maxwell: It was written on a yellow piece of like legal paper.

Girl 1: Dear Blank--

Sean: Can you turn it up a little bit?

Girl 1: "I'm sorry I didn't do a good job understanding you. I know that I can do better. I love you and I care more than anyone I know." I've heard that line before a lot.

Dick: [Laughs]

Girl 1: "You're still the person I think of when I want to smile. You make me smile."

Girl 2: [laughs] "You made me a kinder, gentler and more patient person."

Girl 1: "Even though I have work to do, I know what you need right now is space." So that's like really narcissistic of him. It's like, I have things to do but like I'm going to pretend like this is like a-- like a me thing instead of you thing. He wants to give you space. "So I'm going to give it to you." Wow, fucking charitable. "I wish things could have been different. I hope things will be different. If they're not, I understand. I'll be heartbroken." Oh, that's just reeling it in. "I'll be heartbroken, but I'll understand." That is the most guilt tripping ass victim blaming for his shit that I've ever heard of my life with.

Sean: Oh my God.

Dick: I told you high school girls would know.

Sean: Yeah.

Girl 1:" -- doesn't work out. But--"

Sean: That's right.

Girl 1: I understand." Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. Okay. "I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. You don't deserve that. You're a good, kind and sensitive person." So this is where you like build up their ego so that you can like tear them down little by little.

Dick: Uh-huh. Wow. Oh, the insight.

Girl 2: "I should be more sensitive in the future." Who is this? I'm scared. [laughs]. I don't like this.

Girl 1: "If things never work out between us then at least I can say I tried my best." Oh boo. Fucking boo.


Girl 1: This is making me cringe.

Girl 2: "Then at least I can say I tried my best." Damn.

Girl 1: "I tried my best." See also another guilt tripping thing.

Girl 3: "And in case they don't know, I just want to say thank you for being a part of my life." Oh, God.

Girl 1: "I'll always treasure the memories we had together." "We've had more good times than bad."

Girl 2: "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You are my best friend."


Girl 1: Okay, listen. I hate this shit. I hate this shit because it's like-- they're writing you a breakup letter but it's like they're breaking up with you. So obviously, you're not the best thing they ever had like. Like there's better things for them in the future, like otherwise they wouldn't be fucking leaving you. You know what I'm saying? Like that's just so annoying.

Sean: She misunderstood [inaudible].

Dick: Yeah a little bit.

Girl 1: "I'm lucky to have known you. I miss you and underline and all caps, I LOVE YOU!

Dick: [laughs].

Girl 1: Thanks for being a part of my life.

Girl 2: And I love you. [laughs] Thanks for being a part of my life. Fuck.

Girl 1: Sincerely comma, love comma.

Girl 2: George.

Girl 3: [laughs] George.

[music plays]

Dick: Fucking Kimball.

Girl 1: That was annoying to read. I was-- I'm triggered all over.

Maxwell: Is that probably--

Girl 3: This is a very triggering letter.

Girl 1: Is it mean?

Maxwell: Huh?

Girl 1: Is this mean?

Maxwell: This is definitely mean spirited.

Girl 1: Maxwell, I knew you were making me do something wrong.

Maxwell: It's not mean for you. It's just--

Dick: Kimball knows a lot of cute girls. Fuck!

Girl 1: Yeah. But then if I wrote something like this, which I will [laughs], probably tonight to every one of my friends.


Girl 1: And then you read it. I'd feel like, damn. [laughs].

Dick: What the fucking cat--


Maxwell: What are your initial reactions to this letter?

Girl 1: I've heard you say this a lot. But it sounds like a soft boy or a new male or whatever the fuck you call it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They've heard of the lawsuit.

Girl 1: It's so fake.

Maxwell: Do you think the letter's fake?

Girl 1: No. I don't think the letter's fake. I think just like the shit that-- I've heard all of these lines a lot. So I just--

Maxwell: So like the stuff he's saying is fake for--

Girl 1: It's fake. I don't know. I feel sad. [laughs] I think I have depression.


Girl 1: This is such a fucking soft boy. Like this is such a good guilt tripping letter. You know what I'm saying? Like it's they're-- like building this person up and being like, it's not you, it's me. Like it's not like angel thing of like, like it's my fault and it's my fault. But then they have like little things like the, "I have work to do" and like "I'll be heartbroken" that's like those little stabs. It's like, "It is your fault." And then we both know it but we're not going to say it kind of thing. And that shit is so like demeaning and fucking-- just the worst. It's literally the worst.

Dick: Interesting.

Maxwell: Have you ever read a breakup letter?

Girl 1: Yes.

Maxwell: Is it anything like this one or all were--

Girl 2: No. [laughs]

Girl 1: Not a letter specifically.

Girl 2: Just a weak text, I guess.

Girl 1: Not that I know of, no.

Maxwell: Have you ever--

Girl 1: I've received messages like this. But I've never received like an actual like--

Dick: This girl is really cute. I bet you--

Girl 1: -- somebody else ending things.

Sean: I can't see very good.

Maxwell: How would you react to receiving this letter? If this letter was given to you.

Girl 3: Well, knowing me, if it was like someone I'd been in a relationship with for a while, I'd probably just be a sucker and believe it all because I'm that kind of person. [laughs]. But reading it out-- like as an outside perspective, it just looks kind of-- I don't know, this poor guy, I guess. Poor George.

Girl 1: That is a person I'd be fucking mad because I can see it through but like a year ago or two years ago, like I would have definitely felt like it was my fault and that like it was like a huge like heartbreaking thing and that it was like for the best. But like now being older and wiser, like looking through the message like I can kind of like see the like little nuances and stuff that's like put in there to be like guilt trippy kind of thing. So--

Dick: Yeah.

Maxwell: So you think the person--

Girl 1: Now, I would be fucking mad.

Maxwell: [laughs].

Girl 1: Two years ago, I would have cried for probably like 5 hours thinking it was my fault.

Girl 2: I don't know. I don't like it. [laughs].

Maxwell: You don't like it. [laughs].

Girl 2: I'm not a fan. Not a fan.

Girl 3: So yeah, I definitely think that he was writing this letter to someone that was like vulnerable and he knew that.

Maxwell: What kind of person do you think wrote this letter?

Girl 3: Someone probably really narcissistic. Someone who loves himself probably more than the person he love or probably they love themselves more than the person that they wrote this letter to. Their own best interests But they still need to like feel like people don't hate them. Like they do things that are worthy of making people hate them but they can't stand the thought of someone hating them. So they like eloquently like phrase these things--

Sean: Unreal.

Dick: She's bringing it with this last couple of sentences.

Girl 1: I've said it before, [inaudible] a new male. [laughs].

Girl 2: A girl.

Maxwell: You think a girl wrote this?

Girl 2: A girl.


Girl 2: A sensitive girl.


Maxwell: Why do you say that?

Girl 2: Because it sounds kind of like--


Maxwell: [inaudible].

Girl 2: Yeah.

Sean: Wasn't she like--

Dick: George.

Girl 2: Like it sounds like something I would write. [laughs].

Maxwell: [Inaudible] write this to an ex that they claim [inaudible].

Girl 1: Oh yeah. Oh yeah because--

Maxwell: You think a person who wrote this letter was abused by the person who write it too?

Girl 1: I don't think that they were but I think that they would definitely claim because it's like-- it's like the way that they say things and they were--

Dick: Fuck Kimball is good.

Girl 1: -- were so like affectionate to the person. But like I've said like repeatedly it's like you can see the little things where they're like-- are like telling the person that it's their fault but they like stay nice and like they stay calm when they like say things like reaffirming things to them to like if this letter was ever to be exposed with this letter was ever to like come out and like go against their like argument that they were like abused, then it would go in their direction, their favor, rather than the person that like maybe was actually suffering a mental abuse because I'm doing that-- that I know [?] the exact situation--

Dick: Is this the smartest in the-- Kimball, you've got to marry that girl.

Sean: I know.

Dick: Are you fucking serious?

Sean: -- over and over again, isn't it?

Dick: Yeah. It's the same one who has--

Girl 1: Was to be [inaudible].

Dick: It's like a red pill factory.

Sean: She's like--

Dick: It's a blank pill factory.

Girl 3: I could believe it except the fact that none of these words-- I don't know this just kind of sound like a victim talking. But--


Dick: I told you.

Sean: Yeah, I know.

Dick: Teenage girls, all they know is a-- all they know is this.

Girl 1: Actually, I know a lot of girls that would do that.

Maxwell: Okay. So [inaudible].

Girl 1: Yeah.

Maxwell: Okay.

Girl 1: It could be a really sensitive weenie boy.


Maxwell: How would you react to me telling you--

Sean: This is--

Maxwell: -- that a former New York Times best selling author wrote this letter.

Girl 3: Oh really? I really think that this looks like something like a high school with like-- your high school boyfriend. Like I'm so sorry I miss you. [sobbing sound] Like, I'm going to be a better person. Like--

Sean: [laughs].

Girl 3: There's like no-- [laughs] I don't believe that.

Maxwell: That's true. This is written by [inaudible] author. His name is Maddox. But he's-- he has a former U.S. Time or New York Times bestselling book.

Girl 3: So it's-- so is this letter satirical or not?

Maxwell: No. This is--

Dick: No.

Girl 3: No, okay.

Maxwell: -- he wrote to [inaudible].

Girl 3: I feel like someone that writes satirical works would look at this shit and realize how dumb it sounds. Like I can't look at this, ironically. You know what I'm saying?

Maxwell: Mm-hmm.

Girl 1: No.

Maxwell: Yeah.

Girl 1: No. I could see it. Authors are full of themselves. Authors never want it like knowing that this is like a male author. Like someone who's like interested in like their own work and stuff. Like it makes sense to me. It really does because they're like full of themselves. And eat their own ass.

Maxwell: Would you have had sex with a fat, bald Armenian man?

Dick: [laughs]

Girl 1: No... What?

Sean: Hot damn. Kimball is something else.

Girl 1: You're so mean.

Dick: [laughs]

Sean: Parts of this have been kind of amazingly enlightening.

Dick: Oh, fucking Kimball. [laughs].

Girl 3: For the record I would say no, respectfully.

Girl 1: Maybe bald. Probably not the other ones. [inaudible].

Maxwell: All together you wouldn't?

Girl 1: No.

Girl 2: I like to go on the record and say no.

Maxwell: How would you feel if your ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend harassed your employer and intended to get you fired?

Girl 3: I'd be mad as shit. [laughs] But--

Dick: 2 more minutes.

Girl 3: Yeah. I'd be mad. I don't know.

Maxwell: The same person who wrote this letter has currently did that to the person he wrote this letter to.

Girl 3: That's just pathetic to be honest. It's just really--

Maxwell: And his current girlfriend now has a restraining order against his ex-girlfriend.

Girl 3: Holy shit. See that's just someone that cares too fucking much.

Girl 2: I would not be surprised. [laughs] I don't know. [laughs]. My exes are special. Special.

Girl 1: I'd be fucking pissed. I don't know. I would-- I don't think I would stand for it at all. I would do whatever like counter-intuitive, like legal action I could take. Like restraining order against either one of them or I think that it's really inappropriate. But I don't know if coming from the person that wrote this letter, I don't know if I would be surprised.

Maxwell: If someone were to describe the writer of this letter as a cock, would you agree?

Dick: [laughs].

Girl 3: Yes.

Dick: Really excited.

Girl 2: Yes.

[music plays]

Dick: Oh God, now-- he's showing them what Maddox looks like now. Jesus Christ, Kimball.

Maxwell: If you go on the next page, a few tabs, the next tab, that's the guy who wrote the letter.

Girl 1: Wow. [Laughs] Okay.

Maxwell: This is what Maddox looks like. I'm going to turn it a little down for you guys.

Girl 3: [Gasps]

Girl 1: That's a new male.

Girl 2: That makes so much sense. Like white boy with like a goatee over there like--

Girl 3: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Girl 2: I love you but I will fucking kill your family if you don't answer my texts.

Girl 1: No. That's the I love you. I have very low self-esteem. Please stay with me because I literally can't tolerate being alone. [Laughs].

Girl 2: Yeah. I see a crazy white boy.

[music plays]

Dick: Oh my God. Conclusion, it says, Kimball's got a weird musical in the mood.

Girl 1: Maddox is a fucking cuck.

Dick: [laughs]

Girl 1: Fuck Maddox.

Maxwell: Thank you very much [?].

Dick: Oh, very good. [Clears throat]

Maxwell: That's a wrap.

Girl 2: Yeah.

Maxwell: Thank you, guys.

Girl 1: Yeah.

Dick: God damn, that one chick is smart as hell.

Sean: So there's going to be some new legal documents dropping tomorrow probably or--

Dick: Oh, my-- I cannot-- first of all, I can't believe what a tremendous filmmaker and documentarian Kimball is.

Sean: That's his calling, I think.

Dick: God I love that guy so much. He's something else.

Sean: There were parts of that that were amazingly enlightening.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Give credit work where credit is due. There are some-- there are some statements in there that were like, wow, like were you coached to say that?

Dick: No.

Sean: But no. No. I mean--

Dick: No, obviously not.

Sean: No.

Dick: Wow. Let me see if-- let me see if anybody's--

Sean: There are a couple observations that it--

Dick: Oh, Peach-- Peach is in the chat. Hey, Peach are you there?

Peach: Hey. Hello. Can you hear me?

Dick: Hello.

Sean: Hey.

Dick: Hey, you're coming to Portland, right?

Peach: Hey, how are you guys?

Dick: Good. How are you?

Peach: Yeah, I'm coming to Portland. I'm okay.

Dick: Good. Good. Thank God.

Peach: I was thinking you forgot about me again.

Dick: No. I mean-- did you hear what we just listened to?

Peach: Yeah. Yeah, I was listening.

Dick: Kimball's sitting down. High school girls and getting them to review Maddox' psychotic narcissi-- unreal.

Peach: He is a genius.

Dick: It's unreal how they phrased things too and they're always dead right.

Sean: Yeah. That one girl was really-- she had some -- she had some having some wisdom and seeming like some experience beyond her years.

Dick: And she even--

Sean: She knew people better than a lot of--

Dick: She even acknowledged like a year ago she would have fallen for it but now she sees how like demented-- the building up and the cutting down. Like I didn't even think-- I didn't think of that.

Sean: Yeah, well it's like technique.

Peach: Oh, sorry. Was that the girl with the side braid?

Dick: Yeah. I think so.

Peach: Yeah. She's really hot. Is-- and is she into chicks by any chance? And I ask this-- no-- there's a reason.

Dick: For a friend?

Peach: There's reason.

Dick: Why?

Peach: One of my lesbian friends taught me a trick on how to identify if a woman is into other women?

Dick: Yeah. Her lips are moving. That's how.

Sean: Mmm.

Peach: No. [laughs].

Dick: All you guys are bisexual. Every single woman is bi-- you would have-- how would you not have evolved to be bisexual, right Sean?

: Well, it's-- [laughs].

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I mean-- right?

Peach: It's-- it's funny you say that.

Dick: Like that's why-- why do we have thumbs, if women aren't bisexual? A guy sprouted a thumb and then he started busting motherfuckers left and right and laying them out and it was just a bunch of thumbless fucks thing. You got knocked the fuck out by the guy with a weird finger. Holy shit! Everybody fucked that. We need a lot more weird fingered fucks here. And a half million-- one chick said, "Hey! You like fucking so much? Guess what? I like-- how would you like 2 chicks?" Then that chick became the entire human race. That's what we're sitting on. That one-- the one girl who first mutated it out. Just like the thumb thing. One girl popped out and said, "Hey! Me too. I like banging other chicks, too." That was like [laughing], yeah, yeah, yeah, you. We got-- we're going to get a lot of you going real-- we're going to get that gene replicated ASAP.

Sean: So that's the hashtag, me too, too.

Dick: That's the human race, was based on that. I'm sorry, Peach. I'm sorry. What have you got to s-- what were you saying about your lesbian friend?

Peach: Jesus Christ.

Dick: [laughs].

Peach: What I was to say, it's funny you say that about her lips because she said that when a woman kind of smirk talks out the side of her mouth that means she probably is more than likely into women and I have used that and I have been right almost every single time.

Sean: Smirk talk out the side--

Dick: How did know you were right?

Sean: Mmm.

Peach: You know, just-- I just-- bad connection. Bad connection.

Dick: Oh damn it. What have you got for us today? What did you want to say?

Peach: I don't know. You said, "Hey, do you want to call in?" I was like, "Oh, all right."

Sean: [laughs] [inaudible].

Dick: Have you listened to the album?

Peach: I did. I did and I have a moment on there. So that's really exciting.

Dick: Which song is it?

Peach: Oh gosh, I think it's Dick on Bicycles.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a good one.

Peach: Yeah. So if you want to hear that special nugget, go-- yeah, definitely buy the album. It is so worth it. I love it. It's-- I am so excited. I love it. They did an incredible job.

Dick: Talking out the side of her mouth. That's a few-- a tell tale if the chicks is into--

Sean: I hadn't heard that but--

Dick: -- openly into other chicks? Talking out the side of her mouth?

Peach: Yeah. The side of the mouth. I mean, Ellen Page, Ellen deGeneres, fuckin' Kirst--. Kristen Stewart or whatever the fuck like-- and you watch them and they will--

Dick: God damn, you're right.Yeah. Like Popeye.

Peach: -- talk on the sides of their mouth. Yes. And it's always like a smirky way, like always. Always.

Dick: Oh. Oh, wow. Talking about-- out the side of my mouth like this.

Peach: You want to know if you're talking to a-- [laughs]. Yeah. So if you-- unless she's smoking a corncob pipe, if you want to know if she's into chicks--

Dick: Wow.

Peach: -- see if talking out the side of her mouth. See [inaudible].

Sean: [laughs].

Dick: Shiver me timbers.

Sean: [makes a sound]

Dick: [makes a sound].


Sean: Wow [?].

Dick: That's the sound of their pussy slapping me [?] [makes a sound]. Right?

Peach: Yeah. They go-- [Inaudible] I guess.

Dick: So how-- did you have to-- do you work on not talking out of the side of your mouth? That's a good-- that's a good fucking line. You walk up, let me see you talk. Do you talk out the side of your mouth?

Sean: [laughs].

Peach: "Hey babe, you got the palsy or are you just happy to see me?

Dick: Oh--

Peach: No, I think--

Dick: Hey, toots [?].

Peach: It's true though because I looked in the mirror and I also talk out of one side of my mouth. Not so badly but to a point, yeah.

Dick: What are you saying, Peach? What are you-- what are you saying?

Sean: Sort of into chicks?

Peach: I'm not saying any-- I'm saying exactly what I said. I talked out of the side of my mouth.

Dick: What if a person had a stroke?

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Everyone who's--

Peach: Well, that's what I'm saying.

Sean: Part of their face is paralyzed.

Dick: Everyone who has stroke is into chicks.

Sean: Okay. Yeah.

Peach: That's right. That's part of it. It's part of it now.

Dick: That's a good-- "Hey baby, did you just have a stroke or are you happy to eat pussy?"


Dick: Fucking pussy, what's the story here? How are you doing? I'm Dick Masterson, I'm getting sued for millions of dollars.

Sean: Right.

Peach: [laughs]

Dick: Oh, well--

: So, yeah. Yeah, I guess I'll see you in Portland then, huh?

Dick: Yeah. Do you want to sing a song together? Over there?

Peach: I would be delighted. What would you like to sing?

Dick: I don't know. Let's pick one off the album or maybe write something before then. That'll be fun.

Peach: Sure, yeah. I've got something written for myself. But if you would either like to join me singing it or we-- yeah, let's- let's talk it over.

Dick: We'll figure something out.

Peach: Sure.

Dick: Try not to get anybody kicked out this time. [laughs]

Sean: Oh God.

Dick: Trying not to be so irresistible that we have to beat-- take someone outside and beat the hell out of them for behaving inappropriately.

Peach: I'll do my best. [laughs]. I'll do my best.

Sean: All right. Well, have a great time. I can't wait to see you.

Peach: I know, can't wait to see you.

Sean: Okay. Have a--

Peach: All right. See you later. Bye.

Sean: Have a good one.

Dick: Bye. See you.

Sean: Hello today. That's her-- that what she says on her stream. All right I've got some--

Dick: Money.

Sean: I got some presents. I got to open--

Dick: That Kimball documentary has really fucked with my head, man.

Sean: Yeah, I know. I know. I didn't expect to watch the whole thing.

Dick: Me either.

Sean: I was like it just--

Dick: Well, I put on, it's 12 minutes long.

Sean: It just keeps getting better.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like 12 minute long. Okay, Kimball way to fuck me over with a 12-minute video for a podcast that's like an hour.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right? But the whole thing was good.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Now I want more. He asked a hypothetical question.

Sean: Yeah. I know, yeah, he's really good.

Dick: He showed them what they-- well, he showed them what Maddox looked like.

Sean: It's like he really-- see he had the whole-- he had the whole narrative crafted and--

Dick: In his head.

Sean: He had the vision.

Dick: Kimball has the same sickness as me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I know that he does.

Sean: He had the vision.

Dick: I really-- I love everything that he does.

Sean: Better than Michael Moore documentaries.

Dick: Yeah. Bowling for Columbine. Like a fuckin'--

Sean: Like it sucks.

Dick: What's Columbine? We've got a new one now, okay? Columbine, who gives a fuck? Have any newspapers written an article on how much money newspapers make when a school shooting happens?

Sean: I have no idea.

Dick: Because it's an atrocity that we can't stop or it can't be fixed or stopped and they seem to make a shit load of money by endlessly promoting it and it only causes more of them, like statistically copycat killings happen because--

Sean: It is a thing.

Dick: -- the glory it gets and they seem-- it seems to be a very important thing that they constantly hammer that it happened and rake in ad revenue.

Sean: Well, yeah. It's their business.

Dick: Yeah. I'm starting to think that maybe that's-- maybe it's not the guns, maybe it's the media. Maybe it's not the 2nd amendment it's the first one that's causing this problem.

Sean: Take it away.

Dick: You know what I'm saying? But they don't have to.

Sean: What's that? They don't have to what?

Dick: If fucking-- if Maddox wins his lawsuit, that's the end of the first amendment.

Sean: Oh, no it is. It absolutely is. America's done. Yeah, that's it. If he wins any part of that-- if there's any-- yeah, then it's over. It's over.

Dick: It is. It does--

Sean: There is no first amendment.

Dick: The coverage on the shootings is making me sick, though.

Sean: Yeah. Well--

Dick: Whereas the coverage tells you it's-- the coverage tells you it's the guns to distract from what they're doing which is massively profiting on it.

Sean: Well, there's--

Dick: Massively.

Sean: They are certainly making-- they're certainly making-- it's interesting. They're certainly making money of ad revenue.

Dick: Sean, listen. No, no. I was--

Sean: And also there-- and that I was going to say and the copycat phenomenon-- that people who become copycats are these disillusioned, disenfranchised. Younger people are real susceptible to that kind of shit.

Dick: Oh, yeah. I mean a guy called in from Encyclopedia Dramatica saying one of their admins was like obsessed with school shootings and then he like endeavored to do one himself and get the next high score.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I was posting a joke tweet about it.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: In poor taste.

Sean: On Gab?

Dick: Oh yeah. Excuse me, on Gab.

Sean: Yeah, right.

Dick: Where I'm the least of the worries on Gab.

Sean: Sure. I'm sure.

Dick: But then I was scrolling on my Twitter and I saw a promoted tweet from like MSN News about the school shooting and I thought, okay, what the fuck? You're now-- you're paying to give me this information.

Sean: So that's a paid spot. Yeah.

Dick: Like this is how-- this is how sick the RLI is on the school shooting stuff. This is absolutely unacceptable they are doing this because it's not news. It's not news. In no way is it news. How the fuck is-- how the fuck is it news?

Sean: Is what news?

Dick: That a psycho acted psychotically today. Like it is not-- the school shootings are not news on the same-- on the level that they get promoted. It's just sensationalist trash that they get promoted the way they are and then-- and that is--

Sean: Well, it's--

Dick: --fuckin' paid for.

Sean: It's a--

Dick-- to promote it.

Sean: Well, it's a severe thing that is absolutely newsworthy. But--

Dick: But it's not because it happens-- it'll never not happen.

Sean: Well no, but it doesn't mean you don't report on what happened.

Dick: But no listen to-- what I'm saying is--

Sean: Yeah. But it's not just straight reporting anymore and it's-- because everything is editorialized.

Dick: Look, every day--

Sean: And they need to keep the--

Dick: -- kids die of starvation. Kids die of things that don't get the same clicks.

Sean: Oh no, true.

Dick: -- that school shootings get.

Sean: For sure.

Dick: Like everyday kids are dying of starvation.

Sean: Absolutely.

Dick: Or getting beat to death by their parents.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But they found this one thing that they make ass loads of money on--

Sean: Because--

Dick: -- and exploit the fuck out of.

Sean: Well, and it's because-- it's-- and because the interest-- people have interest in that too because it's such a severe sudden thing. It's not-- it's not--

Dick: It's not news.

Sean: It's not-- well, it is news.

Dick: It's not-- it's not-- I don't think it is.

Sean: How do you say it's not news?

Dick: Because I feel like it's not. Like a news is just--

Sean: What does that even mean? Like you have to distort the definition of news to say that it's not news.

Dick: I don't know, I don't think that it is.

Sean: It's something that-- something that is newsworthy. It's just-- they're events that happen that need to be reported on and the facts given. Okay, then why don't [inaudible] this guy who did this.

Dick: Then why don't they cover the aftermath? Like they only covered the deaths. That's why I know it's not news.

Sean: They cover the aftermath.

Dick: I don't think they do.

Sean: I always follow these up. They do. But they're not-- it's not as prevalent and a lot of people-- our attention spans are so short, we'd onto the next thing, onto the next bam, bam, bam. You know what I'm saying?

Dick: I don't think it's news.

Sean: I don't--

Dick: Like I think they--

Sean: I don't understand what your definition of news is.

Dick: Well, there is none. I mean it's news because the news people are telling you it. But it's like things that happen but it's not at the same level of other things that happened I don't think.

Sean: What is news? What's an example of news?

Dick: Okay. Everything-- let's say everything is news. Like everything are events that happened and it's the reach of the thing that happened that should correlate with how much you hear about it. The coverage that you hear about. Like the 405, they're going to shut down the freeway. This is news. They're going shut down the freeway in two months to build a new freeway. This is news. Everybody's got to know about it.

Sean: But see-- but you know as well as anybody that it's driven by ad revenue. So you're saying--

Dick: But that's--

Sean: -- it's a disproportionate and it's-- that's reprehensible.

Dick: That's entertainment. Ad revenue makes it entertainment and that I'm saying that--

Sean: It can be both.

Dick: Yeah. But that's a--

Sean: That's the thing.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: It doesn't have to be binary.

Dick: I'm comfortable with that. And it is a spectrum. And I'm saying that the entertainment that MSN News and CNN is putting on about school shootings should be more upsetting than anything else they're trying to trick you that it's about because it always turns-- and look, I'm just saying it because it always turns-- they're always coming after my guns.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I'm saying like if you guys are-- if you guys are coming after my guns, people should know that what you're doing is a sick form of like entertainment. It's not news. This is entertainment.

Sean: I think it's-- I think it's news and it's being marketed as entertainment and it is--

Dick: Mostly. Otherwise, it would be an--

Sean: I think it's both.

Dick: -- obituary.

Sean: I think it's both. I see that-- I see that point and that's--

Dick: That's my point.

Sean: I think what they're doing is reprehensible because they have a vested interest in keeping that kind of stuff hot and keeping that news cycle going because of the ad clicks. And the ad clicks are increasing it. Again, yeah, nobody's doing anything potentially. Yeah I mean--

Dick: No, absolutely.

Sean: If it's--

Dick: It's a guarantee the more--

Sean: If it's something--

Dick: The more that gets promoted there will be another one of these things. There will be more.

Sean: Yeah. Very well, I don't know like the studies on it but it makes perfect sense. And I know that a copycat-- I know that copycat crimes are a real phenomenon.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That's all I know about it. But, yeah. Yeah, it--

Dick: I don't know, it struck me the other day that this is like-- this is-- it's this-- this is skating biased news but this is salacious-- this is entertainment, like this is-- it's not news. It doesn't affect people.

Sean: It's sexified.

Dick: It is.

Sean: It's-- yeah, it is. It is.

Dick: It is. All right, everybody, fuck, even listening to-- how long we've been doing this? 2 hours?

Sean: A couple--

Dick: You've been listening to The Dick Show. Go to, go How you feel about those girls reading that-- reacting to that letter? Yeah, is it good? You like that?

Sean: I saw a lot of agreement over there. A lot of-- damn!

Dick: Feel vindicated? Yeah. Okay, good. Breaking any doors?

Sean: Not lately you're going to do that [inaudible] anymore--

Dick: -- Christmas lights. Bonitis did a furry version of 80's girl.

Sean: Oh really?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: As what?

Dick: I'll show you.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: There. That's the 48--

Sean: Oh wow!

Dick: She's a vixen.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And she's got a flame thrower, a flame thrower.

Sean: Shit! That's cool.

Dick: Yeah. To tear through the-- I think that's the lawsuit because it's all because of you. And there's Christmas lights around--

Sean: Ha. [laughs]

Dick: -- tie into her.

Sean: What is it like a curled iron in there somewhere?

Dick: Yeah. Hold on. I'm going to-- I'm going to put it in the-- put it on the stream.

Sean: That's pretty cool.

Dick: So people could see it. All right there. Whoa. Now you're talking double team.

Sean: [laughs]

Dick: Put it right in the middle there. If you go to you can see the video that we talk about and watch all the show, Kimball's videos on there. Upgrading my game a little bit so we can watch in real time while we're talking about..

Sean: It's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: It's pretty cool. There you go. Christmas lights around the flame thrower. You got the aerobics pants, cans situation could be you know about 10 to 20 times larger, I think. But it's very wonderful. It's very accurate I think as well. Very beautiful. All right. This has been The Dick Show,,, See you in Portland, go to, if you want to read about the temporary emergency restraining order for the T-shirts that I'm wearing in my own house and take--

Sean: Unbelievable.

Dick: -- pictures that I have with my assault shotgun.

Sean: I thought that was a joke.

Dick: My assault rifle.

Sean: I thought that was a joke.

Dick: It's a fucking shotgun.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Dude, Sean, it says in there-- I mean, Nick goes-- Nick goes through it point by point.

Sean: The whale thing, I thought was a joke. So I'm wearing whale shirts. And he thinks that's the--

Dick: Oh yeah.

Sean: Unreal.

Dick: It's in there because this is a coded threat.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I'm wearing a shirt that--

Sean: Self-absorbed much?

Dick: Yes. But that's what I'm-- that's what I was saying at the beginning of the show. Maybe it's not.

Sean: And that's all--

Dick: Maybe King Cuck is not calling the shots because I--

Sean: A lot of sense. A lot of sense that makes.

Dick: I mean I know he's stupid. We all know Maddox is stupid. As much as we liked his comedy, you look back on it and you realize that it's not-- that he meant a lot of it. Like he thinks that that is how you should raise kids. And everybody laughed because they thought there's no way someone -- it's a joke.

Sean: The perfect storm.

Dick: Yeah. But he's like internalized whatever child abuse he experienced and like thinks that that's-- that was made him what he is.

Sean: Which a lot of-- which a lot of great comedians do.

Dick: Right.

Sean: [Laughs] You missed [?]--

Dick: He is dumb. He is lazy and he is very susceptible to attractive men.

Sean: Huh.

Dick: Attractive men can talk Maddox into, I would say anything. I think an attractive man could talk Maddox into fucking him up the ass. I'll put money on that, actually. I think an attractive man could seduce Maddox into gay sex acts. That's not defamation because there's nothing wrong with being gay. I'm just saying that it's-- I think that they could. I think an attractive man, properly motivated, could probably talk Maddox into a kiss or at least sucking him off. That's what I think. I'm just saying that as a gauge of what he could be convinced to do by an attractive man.

Sean: Yes, speculating on--

Dick: Because anything in between there also falls into that. Getting justice for himself, for all these you know mean things. [Inaudible] All right. I'm going to play-- I'm gonna play The Piss Track. Everybody likes this one. You've heard this, have you Sean?

Sean: The Piss Track?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I don't think so.

Dick: This is about you or kind of. Oh there's an affirmative nod song too that is about you that Waterboy wrote.

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: The Piss Track is-- they asked me to record just a simple line saying, "Hey Sean, I'm going to go take a piss. Don't delete anything." And they're going to use that as a bumper for an entire song.

Sean: Got it.

Dick: I was like, "Okay." So I turned the mics on and I gave him a couple of takes. But it ended up being like 5 minutes of me.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: I get distracted by trying to show off. So they just turn it into the entire song. Anyway, here it is.

Sean: Great.

Dick: Phoenix, Houston.

[track plays]

Dick: Sean, I got to take a piss. Don't- don't delete anything. I know how much you like deleting. Don't delete anything while I'm out, while I'm out. You see that delete button?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Stay away from it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's lava.

Sean: I'm going to do it.

Dick: All the delete buttons you ever seen and ever will see are lava.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Dick: Sean, listen to my voice. Follow my-- follow this watch. When you wake up, when I snap my fingers, you're going to believe that all delete buttons are lava.

Sean: [laughs]

Dick: Don't delete anything while I'm taking a piss.

Sean: Right.

Dick: It's going to be a quick piss. If I hear any delete- delete buttons deleting, I'm going to run in here with piss still shooting out of my cock and I'm going to tackle you. And you're going to-- you're going to get pissed all over you. But I will get only splash back piss. You'll have piss in your pants.

Sean: [laughs]

Dick: And no one will believe that you didn't piss your pants.

Sean: Typical.

Dick: What are you going to tell him? That you are on a podcast and a guy ran into the room with piss shooting out of his dick and tackled you?

Sean: Who's going to believe that?

Dick: And that's how you got piss on your pants? I wouldn't believe that for a second. They're going to arrest your ass. They're going to delete your freedom.

[bottles clinking]

[door closing]

[pissing sound]

Sean: [laughs]

Dick: The whole album is like this.

Sean: That track was cool.

Dick: Not over yet.

Sean: I didn't think so because I have a feeling I did something.

Dick: [laughs]. All right.

[flushing sound]

Dick: Just minding my own business.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah.

[pushing button sound]

Sean: [laughs].

Dick: That's Affirmative Nod. Go to

Sean: That's great.

Dick: I guess the best-- what did they say? The best album in the They love it.

Sean: I think so. Yes, would have got that, too.

Dick: [laughs]

Sean: God damn it.

Dick: Here's Facebook news.

Dick: It's out of control.

News Reporter: Hello Dick and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple of days. Top story this week is Lea Clark whose boyfriend is hiding her birth control. Dickheads astounded and confused at such a situation, began to make their inquiries.

Sean: Yeah.

News Reporter: We learned that Lea's boyfriend doesn't have a job and that she has no intention of breaking up with him after the incident. Max Beard thinks her boyfriend is hiding her birth control because she might become a psycho when she's on them. However, she denies such mood changes exist citing normal female anger. Next up is Mike Mendoza who hasn't busted a nut in almost two weeks. That is until he participated in an interracial threesome Saturday morning.

Dick: Cool.

News Reporter: Mike was participating in a Reddit phenomenon known as No Fap. Those who subscribed to No Fap believe that an abstinence from masturbation can lead to more energy, more charisma and a clear mind. Brett congratulated Mike on being married for 11 days and as for the rest of the Dickheads, they were split down the middle regarding their position on No Fap. But it looks like Mike here, is a real winner. Next story is from Lamar West who published a poll using the Adam Nash character identification system in determining if Jamie was the one who broke Dick's toilet. And of course if Dick were to take anyone's advice, it would be from the valiant men and women of The Dick Show Facebook group. So Dick, the verdict is as follows, 6 votes for N, 81 votes for Y.

Dick: So yes.

News Reporter: This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.

Dick: They think Jamie broke the toilet.

Sean: Because she was the one who brought it to your attention.

Dick: Well, so far the trail leads to Kean.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Jamie has ratted out Diego.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Diego has ratted out Kean.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: I go on a system of rats. Rat ass.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: It's the only true way to get justice.

Sean: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: Who did this.

Sean: They did. Okay. That's you. Until you point to somebody else. I got it, I got it.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I know, I know.

Dick: You don't want to be last.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You've got to blame somebody as quickly as possible. That's how my system works. As much chaos and terror as possible gets the funniest results. Have you ever heard of No Fap? No Masturbating?

Sean: Well, I mean aside from like the Seinfeld episode.

Yeah: Yeah. These people do it. They have like a culture of no masturbating.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Very strange.

Sean: Yeah. That's really denying yourself on a life's simple pleasures.

Dick: Yeah. I would have-- I couldn't stop masturbating for two days if-- the-- for--

Sean: You couldn't stop long enough--

Dick: -- a million dollars.

Sean: -- to sign up for the-- for the forum.

Dick: I couldn't even-- you know what? Somebody-- this is embarrassing. Somebody posted on PK, on The Dick Show sub Reddit.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Somebody posted a thing saying, "Dick caught masturbating on PKA, the podcast Painkiller Already that [inaudible] and there's like hundreds of thousands of people watching it. Like I caught got Dick masturbating on that podcast that he goes on and I thought-- when I saw it, I thought, "Oh fuck, I probably was." Like, "Oh no, man. Did they catch me doing-- like did they catch some arm movement?"

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I was definitely-- the chances of me not having done it-- and that show's like 4 hours long.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And it's nighttime.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: That's masturbating time as far as I'm concerned.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: And I clicked on it. It turned out to be a joke where I was just making a face like I was coming and it was over the top.

Sean: Scared me there for a minute.

Dick: Scared me-- I thought they were going to have a gif of me like obviously kind of crank and a little slap, a little bit of leather under the table.

Sean: Right. Right.

Dick: That's the last thing I want people to know I was doing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Anyway...

Sean: Nothing I've ever done is as bad as that.

Dick: [Laughs]

Ashton: Hey Dick, this is Ashton Merill from the Reddit.

Dick: What's up, man?

Ashton: I just got finished listening to The Dick Album and-- which by the way is great.

Dick: It's great.

Ashton: But at the end I was listening to the voicemail calls and I heard Flash Pulp had switched from peeing over the waistband to through the fly and I actually have to call and make an apology about that, too. I wasn't over the waistbander.

Dick: Converting.

Ashton: May have made a Reddit post at some point calling people that pee through the fly, degenerate. You know, we all say things that we wish we could take back. But I mean just don't work out kind of surveying--

Sean: [inaudible] people write letters.

Ashton: -- without looking at penises, of course. Just kind of surveying which people were peeing through the fly in which were going over the waistband. You can easily just tell by listening for the bell jangle. But I think in general, just from my guess is, is that the people that went through the fly make more money.


Dick: -- demographic.

Ashton: Yeah, just kind of get on my point that it got to the point where I was just so embarrassed. Every time I would like make jiggling sounds with my belt. Now I just always-- I go through the fly now.

Sean: Yeah. They have wives and girlfriends who talk on the side of their mouths.

Dick: Yeah.

Ashton: Although I have noticed that at least one pair of pants has like this giant flap under the zipper, inside of the zipper that like I just can't get my ding dong through. That's not even like me bragging about the size of my ding dong. It's just like they made a giant flap there that I assume whoever made the jeans pisses over the waistband and, you know, fuck that guy, right?

Dick: Some clothes are difficult, more difficult [inaudible].

Sean: Yeah. There's needless material or design.

Dick: That's funny. So he did a survey at work and the people who said through the fly made more money so he thought, well maybe I should just emulate people who make more money if I want myself be successful.

Sean: Well, don't you-- isn't that a good thing to do and in general.

Dick: Yeah. Because there's like--

Sean: I mean--

Dick: -- things you don't under-- Maybe it does. Maybe it has some kind of effect that you don't know, right?

Sean: I don't know. I don't know.

Dick: That's interesting.

Sean: For me, it was always just a simple logical thing. I have a zipper.

Dick: Uh-huh. And I have a dick.

Sean: Right. Clearly--

Dick: Duh.

Sean: -- this is why they made this.

Dick: That's-- I never thought of that angle.

Sean: They made--

Dick: Like take this survey of-- take a survey of like-- take these different surveys of--

Sean: That's funny.

Dick: Yeah. The money amount of money.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Who's got a bisexual girlfriend.

Sean: Yeah, maybe that's in there, too.

Dick: What kind of car you drive in.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: How often-- how often do you feel like you had the last word? And how often do you feel that sting of humiliating defeat in an argument? And do you piss through your fly or over the waistband? Let's just see.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Interesting- interesting data. I'm a data head, Sean.

Sean: I know.

Dick: I don't know if you knew that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I just like data.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's why I'm in so much trouble all the time. People don't like giving their data.

Sean: Right.Yeah. There's a lot of gathering going on, inappropriate gathering.

Dick: I need to see what you'll do in this situation. That's what I need.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I'm trapped here and I'm going to fig-- I'm going to experiment. That's what I'm-- that's what I do.

Ryan: Dick, I got one for you. How about this. My name is Ryan. And every time I tell somebody my name, they have to hear Bryan. No matter what, it's always the B. Where does the B come from? How do you enunciate an R? I always have to say "Ryan." "Oh, Bryan?" "No. Ryan."

Dick: [laughs]

Sean: Yeah.

Ryan: It's like, come on, just listen a little bit harder. Do you hear that, 'Buh'?

Sean: No.

Ryan: So I [inaudible] thought your name was Jax or Jaxter. Come on.

Dick: No. I've-- the worse somebody ever fucked up my name, I think this was at a fucking restaurant. I told them my real name. I told them my name. And they're like, they look at me and goes-- and she goes, "Okay. Jerk?"

Sean: [laughs]

Dick: What the fuck?

Sean: You immediately answer?

Dick: Why would my name-- like I told her my-- yeah, here you go. And she goes, "Okay, Jerk?" I'm like, who the fuck? Have you heard of anyone named Jerk? You idiot?

Sean: Yeah. Maybe [inaudible]. It's pretty funny.

Dick: Why would somebody--

Sean: And that's really out there. Yeah.

Dick: Like I'm not like I'm from another country where that would be possible. Just like a normal looking American person in America, in L.A. Hey, here you go. Add like a table for [inaudible]. "Okay, Jerk?"

Sean: Yeah, I-- okay.

Dick: No. It's not a Jerk. You couldn't--

Sean: Was it a woman and could you have been in that place before super drunk and not remember it?

Dick: No.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: No. This was a-- just like a normal restaurant. I've never been in there. I've never been there since. I forget where it was. I remember being in it but I forget where it was and which restaurant it was.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's just-- the look on her-- The look on her face, "Jerk?" "Jerk?" What? Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

Sean: Let's go with it.

Dick: Let's go with it. None of the letters are right.

Sean: That's funny.

Dick: I get Ducks. Ducks, too.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: I gotten Ducks a couple of times.

Sean: Ducks.

Dick: Ducks? Hey?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. My name is Multiple Ducks.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's what-- what the fuck is wrong with you? Ducks. Just say excuse me, say it again. Don't guess Ducks or Jerk.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Guessing so badly. Guess like normal-- just say like Bill if you didn't hear it. That's a better guess than Jerk.

Sean: It's like a monosyllabic name that you have heard before.

Dick: Yeah. Dawn? Close.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Ryan: You know it makes me rage? Myself.

Dick: Yeah.

Ryan: I hate myself.

Dick: Yeah.

Ryan: I hate myself so much. Fucking-- I can't stand it.

Dick: Oh you motherfucker.

Sean: I hope that wasn't his last call.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That he ever made.

Dick: Now I'm just thinking about Peach talking out the side of her mouth.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: What was that all about? It's good advice.

Sean: I know. Yeah that's a--

Dick: [inaudible] girl talks out the side of her mouth, huh? Why are you looking at her?

Sean: Because she was like-- she was--

Dick: [inaudible] her.

Sean: -- half smiling.

Dick: Which side of your mouth-- Let's see that smile. [laughs].

Sean: Yeah. It was--

Dick: [makes a sound]

Sean: It's a perfect Popeye

Dick: Whoa! What if Bluto was a chick. That's the reboot. That's the reboot Popeye. Popeye and Bluto is a big, big ol' lesbian. They're both trying to fuck Olive Oyl.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Who is-- right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's going to be the emo version of Popeye.

Sean: It has to be--

Dick: If Popeye is going to be a [inaudible].

Sean: It has to be the worst love object in the history of cartoons.

Dick: Olive Oyl?

Sean: Olive Oyl.

Dick: What are you talking about?

Sean: He must well knock like a fucking knot out of a 2 by 4.

Dick: And fuck that?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Fuck the nut out of a 2 by 4?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I bet Popeye could do that. Give him some spinach.

Sean: Yeah.

John: Hey Dick, this is John D. It's my first time calling in and I have a rage for you and that is periods, on how women don't appreciate them. Like imagine having-- one time every single month where you get nature's perfect reminder where you have to confront the problem. Like if I was a chick, I would put all my month's events during that one time of the month.

Dick: [laughter]

John: Like laundry, appointment with my bank, walking the dog, taking out the garbage. You know, like monthly thing.

Dick: [laughs] He takes out the garbage once a month.

John: Anyway, thanks for the great shows. And go fuck yourself.

Dick: Why would he-- why?

Sean: I had not following.

Dick: [laughs] I mean it's-- women don't appreciate their periods?

Sean: Yeah. Super, super tongue in cheek, you know, just all the things you hate to do when you're feeling the shittiest. I don't know.

Dick: [laughs] Like go to the bank.

Sean: Go to the bank. Yeah. I'd save that up.

Dick: I'm saving that for period day.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Pencil that in.

Sean: Wash the-- did he say wash or walk the dog?

Dick: I thought he said walk the dog.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe he meant to wash.

Sean: Yeah, all the things that--

Dick: How would they do that though?

Sean: I don't know.

Dick: [laughs]

Sean: Take out the trash once a month.

Dick: Yeah. A couple more.

Doctor: Hey guys, I'm catching up on the show. And I'm just listening [inaudible] 7, where you're kind of talking about fucking bullshit role playing during interviews. Even make a fucking doctors do that shit. There's part-- part of the board examination is you have to have fake patients come in and present shit to you. But there is nothing to tell you accurate information unless you do and say the exact right fucking things that they want. So this fucking thing, I end up "failing a domestic abuse situation" where the woman just wouldn't-- wouldn't confide in me and wouldn't tell me what exactly what happened because I wasn't trustworthy. So I get all fucking pissed off. A couple years later, I'm in a real fucking world in the ER. And a woman comes in with a big ass bruise on her fucking face and within five fucking minutes, she tells me that her [inaudible] punched her in the face. So fuck those fake ass things. They are dehumanizing, just like Jamie Lynn said. And they're inaccurate and it's fucking retarded.

Sean: And that's a clinical diagnosis.

Dick: Yeah. That's-- yeah.

Sean: That's a doctor.

Dick: Yeah. Can you imagine that? You're trying to be a doctor that like help people and part of your-- part of being able to do this is you have to sit there and a woman pretends like she's getting domestically violenced and is like judging you on your pretendability in a pretend situation to get her to talk about her imaginary husband who beat her. Can you fucking imagine how annoying that would be? Some stupid cunt sitting there like withholding this information from you. Just like to lord it over you that you're--

Sean: You're a medical doctor.

Dick: -- not being sensitive enough.

Sean: You're not a fucking social worker. Like it's--

Dick: Taking out all-- every bad experience--

Sean: They can't help you if you don't give the information.

Dick: It's-- yeah. Yes. Yeah. Let's start there. But just the audacity of the woman who's role playing, she's sitting there, "You're not being sensitive enough." "Oh, you're not trustworthy enough." Walk into traffic. You stupid-- you stupid asshole. What are you doing with your-- what are you doing with your fucking life that you-- it's just us two in the room. Just sign the form, sign the form and let me get on-- let us both get on with our lives, you piece of shit.

Sean: The fact that these things exist that these-- you know, that that's the-- that's the root of the problem that people think this is a good idea to do.

Dick: We've got a great fun day for you today. You're going to go-- you're going to go deal with a woman who has an imaginary abusive husband. Really fucking fantastic. Am I going to learn about like how to identify cancers or large cell lymphomas or anything or read an X-ray or anything like that or maybe- maybe just look at a real person. Maybe I'll go outside and find a homeless person and see if I could give them any tips on how to-- maybe see if I can see anything wrong with them. No. It's really important that you go deal with this woman with the pretend, an imaginary abusive boyfriend. And she's going to stretch it out.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: She's going to really make a meal of it, a feast of this. God damn it.

Man Who Hates Johnny: Hey Dick. I just called you about something completely irrelevant, completely irrele-- completely relev--rent. The one time I left a voicemail about how bad I don't like Johnny. And you copied my voicemail into the show as your own rage. So--

Dick: Oh, so he's mad. He wants--

Man Who Hates Johnny: You did that. That's--

Dick: I mean if I had done that, I can imagine why I would have done that.

Man Who Hates Johnny: I'm going to still see you [inaudible]. You--

Dick: So you fucked them.

Man Who Hates Johnny: -- my voicemail rage. So thanks a lot. Bye.

Dick: [laughs]

Sean: Oh that's-- okay.

Dick: I fucked him over.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I searched the voicemails for his phone number to see if-- see the one that he's talking about. I brought that in as well.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: Accusing me of theft.

Sean: Gotcha.

Dick: I'm not going to say I did or didn't do it. I don't know. I listen to a lot of voicemails.

Sean: Yeah. Subconscious plagiarism.

Man Who Hates Johnny: Hey Dick.

Dick: This is the original.

Man Who Hates Johnny: I got a rage. It's not really a rage. It's just more of a mild annoyance. It's-- people at work who tell you stop yawning, like playfully, like you're-- it's fucking like-- like 9 am and you yawn and they're like, "Hey, don't you start that. Hahaha." Hey, fuck you dude. All right? I'm fucking tired. It's bullshit ass in the morning. Fuck off. It's time to yawn. Okay. I don't want motherfuckers telling me not to yawn anymore, okay? That's some horseshit. So yeah.

Dick: I think mine was a little different. Was that I said when you're out?

Sean: Oh right. Yeah yeah. Complete--

Dick: Not at work in the morning.

Sean: No totally different.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Totally. I don't know what he's talking about. Baseless.

Dick: Well, I'll let everyone be the judge of who stole what.

Sean: Right. From whom, when.

Dick: "Hey Dick, I remember listening to this," because I got this in the mail. "Hey Dick, I remember listening to the biggest problem around episode 9 as an excuse to improve my listening. I must say I never foresaw any of the bullshit of this crazy ride. Keep up the good work. Your podcast just keeps getting better. I attached a few packs of Magic to social justicing if the whole bitcoin thing doesn't work out, these cards might have their value." This guy sent me some Magic to gathering cards.

Sean: Really?

Dick: They're cool. And it's really tempting me to go pick up some starter packs and play Magic.

Sean: So you actually know how to play that.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah I was big into magic in the-- I was like 13, I think. It was in 9th grade.

Sean: Nineties. Yeah.

Dick: When the first Magic came out and it was all the rage, I remember playing in art class with a couple of the losers in there and we all sat around playing Magic.

Sean: The 2-1 Express played Magic, right?

Dick: He was big time into Magic. I quit after the first expansion pack. I think it was-- I quit when Ice Age came out. I said, "I can't-- I'm not keep buying these packs forever. I see this is a scam. It's not fun anymore."

Sean: And it's continued this whole time. People still play this, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: There's all, of course, die hards and new-- it's always going to be as a percentage of kids who play that. Well and adults probably.

Dick: So this is like sending me a little bit of crack in the mail.

Sean: Really? Just a first one's free.

Dick: Yeah. Here you go. Here's something that you got out of at the right time before you sunk thousands of dollars into it.

Sean: Damn.

Dick: But it's fun. I probably will go pick up a starter pack. Get nice and tossed , play Magic. He also sent me this Gran Canaria spoon. Gran Canaria? Pretty cool.

Sean: It looks cool.

Dick: I also got Thomas McCoy. Can you hand me that mat? Sent in a mat from Facebook for the studio, a doormat. It says hi, hello on it.

Sean: [laughs] What-- okay.

Dick: And it's got YNFK. YNF-- yeah, YNFNKYN all over it, in the background.

Sean: Oh, okay. Now I get it.

Dick: You have to-- you look very hard on the background. Hi, hello spelled HI, HELO.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Facebook.

Sean: Perfect.

Dick: Yeah. Here you go. All right guys. Thank you. Buy the album. They want your reaction to Dick Lies.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: All right, all right. I'll play it. I'll play it. This is Lakembra's song.

[music plays]

Male Voice: Hello. No one is available to take your call.

Sean: It's pretty cool already.

Male Voice: Please leave a message after the tone.

Dick: Great.

Sean: Yeah.

Trick: Hey Dick, Trick [?] [Inaudible] here. Listen, I know you got that court thing today and sorry I can't be there but you're a smart guy. You'll be fine. Just do what I told you and remember A-B-C. Always be clean. Good fit. Now, if you'll excuse me. I got to go do some "legal" things.

Female Voice: Please mister, please I just wanna go home. No, no!

Sean: Jesus.

Dick: [laughs]

Lakembra: All rise for ya boy, Judge Sean, who presides
Calling the case of 867-5309 #DickLies,
It’s time to decide if being funny is a crime

You may now be seated as we’re about to begin
to find out if it’s a contest and if anyone can win
Defendant Masterson, please no drinking in court
Your Honor, you have the floor

Judge Sean
: [makes a sound] Sorry, I'm late guys. Some asshole parked his bike in my spot. Hello everyone. My name is Sean. I'll be your legal engineer for today. Okay. All right. Okay, what are we up to, guys? What are we doing today? Okay. Calling the case of Madcucks V. Masterson. Plaintiff, you may call your first witness.

Plaintiff: Welcome to the biggest court battle in the universe. The only court battle where we decide which testimony is gesture so you can decide which testimony is just as. I'm your Plaintiff Madcucks with [inaudible], my deputy paralegal truck-a-cook, Ali. And this testimony is brought to you by Madcucks versus existence. Out now on iTunes and Google Play. It's them one seller guys.

Judge Sean: Wait, wait, wait stop. The plaintiff is reminded that this is a court room, not some high school debate club. Bailiff, escort the plaintiff outside.

Plaintiff: Oh, this is-- that's bullshit. Dismiss this case. This part of the lawyers, delete this transcript, Sean. This is absolute bullshit. Get your damn hands off. You can't-- you can't take me out of here, officer. You know. I'm an American citizen. I have rights. You- you sons of bitches. You-- God damn it.

Madcuck's Public Defender: Your Honor, wait. I'm Madcucks' public defender. And this is how I talk. I beg you to allow me a second chance to defend my client for I just so happened to have here in my hands a sealed envelope containing my client's real testimony. And if the court will allow I'd like a chance to deliver this testimony in full and prove once and for all that Dick Masterson is a liar.

Judge Sean: I'm gonna allow this yeah...

Madcuck's Public Defender: Your Honor, I present to you one side of the debate and
In this envelope is what I think but make no mistake
Dick said he was my friend but it was only just pretend
Remember when I said the show was never gonna end?

He never showed gratitude for any of the snacks
And it's a fact he never once gave thanks
And he never showed signs that he even took the time
To read my brief 30,000 word show outline

Judge Sean: [laughs].

Madcuck's Public Defender: Your honor, I'm no armchair psychologist
But I have it on good authority that Dick's a rape apologist
I promise you that Dick lies, he still has the w9's
How many more out of context clips do I need to find?

He blames it all on me, says I’m the podcast killer
But we all know he just did it for the fans and the skrilla
Wait, did he say he’s not a copyright police?

Copyright puh-lease, they’re mine to release.

(All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt
(if Dick lies) make no mistake
(All rise) all my homies in the gallery
(It’s time) all my players on the bench
(to decide) all my haters taking shots
(if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies

Plaintiff: Excuse me can I just make one point real quick?

Judge Sean: No.

Madcuck's Public Defender: Your honor, please believe me when I say
I stayed up for days to write a script to explain
Exactly how this big swingin’ Dick is a lying little prick
With incompatible values that just make me sick

I just wanted to see, if I could possibly
Convince my ex to try a little polyamory
Maybe see if she would like to go to fuck parties with me
Turn dinner for two into a party of three.

Hee hee.


Madcuck's Public Defender: And Jane Doe, I confess, well it’s kinda complex
Your honor, please, I beg you, it’s been years since I’ve had sex
The unimaginable stress, is causing me to obsess
And send text after text to my ex, you see

Dick has done nothing but cause me great pain
With his never ending targeted harassment campaign
But he’s done much worse, I got a nucular motherlode
But you can take my word for it, ‘cause I’m taking the high road

(All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt

Sean: The production on this is great. Add everything. Crowds and the-- the harmonies. And the-- it's so cool.

Madcuck's Public Defender: (It’s time) all my players on the bench
(to decide) all my haters taking shots
(if Dick lies) Lady Justice is my bitch

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies

: It's a great beat, too.

Madcuck's Public Defender: (All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide

(if Dick lies) if Dick lies.

Plaintiff: Hey judge, can I just say one thing?

Judge Sean: I don't think so.

Madcuck's Public Defender: Now I don’t wanna ruin reputations
With lies, implications and bald allegations
But Dick isn’t the wingman of our nation
And he’s got a pile of coke in his basement!

But Your Honor, all of this is really just the setting
For the grander crime of hitting on my ex at a wedding
She was my property and Dick allegedly took her home
And gave me terminal Chump Syndrome

Dick was in UCB because of me
Dick has a podcast now because of me
He even has a girl and a house on a hill and
It’s all thanks to me “How’s that for irony?”
So where's my thanks huh, where's my gratitude?
I get no acknowledgements or even empty platitudes
I just wanna be left alone. All I get is attitude.
Fuck Dick and fuck the fans. I'm done, dude.

Judge Sean: Order, order, order.

Dick: Big ballad [?], dude, in the court. Big [inaudible]

Judge Sean: And now it's time for the other side of the debate.

Sean: Oh, God.

Dick: Your honor, the plaintiff is a huge pussy. The defense rests.

Judge Sean: This guy is a pussy, isn't he? On the matter of Madcucks v. Masterson. I find the defendant, Dick, not guilty of being a liar. Order. Furthermore, I find the plaintiff, Madcucks, guilty of being a huge pussy and hereby sentence him to a million years in the cuck shed.

Plaintiff: Oh, that's bullshit.

Sean: Cuck shed.

Judge Sean: Court is adjourned. Let's go get fucking wasted.

Sean: Is this Lakembra? Fucking good, man.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Sean: It's good. Is that Asterios laughing?

Dick: I don't know.

Madcuck's Public Defender: (All rise) Everybody on your feet
(It’s time) no time to waste
(to decide) beyond a shadow of a doubt, now
(if Dick lies) make no mistake
(All rise) court is adjourned
(It’s time) and everybody’s gone home
(to decide) patreon dot com
(if Dick lies) Asterios

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies
(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) Dick didn’t lies

(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) if Dick lies
(All rise) All rise
(It’s time) ‘cause it’s time
(to decide) to decide
(if Dick lies) Dick didn’t lie

[phone rings]

Trick: Hey everybody, Trick Madcock [?], Dick Show lawyer here. The song you just heard was a work of fiction. A similarity to any person, the living, dead or washed up was entirely coincidental.

[dial tone]

Dick: Now, that was great.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That was great.

Sean: I think I've listened to the album four times now.

Dick: Have you really?

Sean: Yeah. I listened to it all day, yesterday.

Dick: That's a great track, man. All right everybody. See you next Tuesday.

Sean: See you later.