Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Harmful Opinions, Larry Bleidner, FigBat DiggerNick
Transcription by: /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Dick: Here we go!
Dick: Yyyeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaah! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you got it! It’s the SHOW where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker – from a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain. I am your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? Almost had it that time. Almost had the whole intro that time. I tried to nail it that time. I went for it. Usually, I stumble and stammer through it, and this time I actually really went for it, and I fucked up the concrete bunker part.
Sean: Yeah, that’s right. Because a lot of times you go, “eh, you got it,” after you said a couple sentences.
Dick: That’s true. I have a phobia of concrete related commentary.
Sean: As one would who’s been banned from Twitter.
Dick: Costs me one of myself. We have these profiles – social profiles that we create that are little avatars of ourself – of ourselves in the digital world, and I got axed over a concrete-related comment to Cuck Ray Gun. I dunno.
Sean: What is it with concrete and bannings?
Dick: I dunno. We’ll talk about it a little later. Harmful Opinions is calling in or cyber violence, or whatever he’s going by these days.
Sean: Oh, he’s… He has multiple representatives online.
Dick: Yeah, he’s like a – he’s had to change faces so many times. He’s like Gandalf. First, he was Gandalf the Gray. And then he’s Gandalf the White. And then he’s Gandalf the… Uh… He never comes back as Gandalf, like, the pink.
Sean: Gandalf the Translucent.
Dick: Gandalf the Tie-Dye.
Sean: Yeah, right, exactly. He’s a filthy hippie.
Dick: Yeah, he’s always boring.
Sean: I mean, he is a filthy hippie.
Dick: He is a filthy hippie. Hey everybody, welcome to the…
Sean: (Interrupts) What’s that other – sorry. What’s that other wizard in… Is that in The Hobbit movies or The Lord of The Rings movies?
Dick: Mr. Wizard, you’re thinking about.
Sean: No! The one with the bird shit. The disgusting wizard with the bird shit in his beard and stuff. That guy’s disgusting.
Dick: Oh, the nature wizard?
Sean: Yeah, what the fuck is that guy?
Dick: That guy was fucked.
Sean: That’s disgusting.
Dick: And he rides a giant rabbit.
Sean: Why would they give him any screen time? He’s got bird shit all down his beard. I don’t wanna see that!
Dick: Yeah. And his car shits constantly the size of basketballs. That rabbit that he rides around on. It still shits like a rabbit, just 20-feet long.
Sean: Yeah, what the fuck?
Dick: Imagine the economy of rabbit shit that’s going on in that universe. Alright, anyway. Big news. Big news. The Dick Show Album – number 2 in comedy. Number 2 in comedy. Number 2 in comedy, Sean. Billboard charting number 2 in comedy. That’s a huge achievement, even though it sounds like it’s #2, and there’s somebody above us, that’s a gigantic achievement for everybody involved.
Sean: Wasn’t it #1 at one point?
Dick: No, it’s #1 on Bandcamp. This is Billboard.
Sean: Oh shit.
Dick: This is Billboard overall. You know what it took to hit #1? See, here’s the thing: you think you want to be #1, but you know what you have to do to get to #1 in anything? You gotta suck a dick.
Sean: I was just gonna say that.
Dick: That’s why it’s better to be #2. Number 2 you can get honestly. The working man can achieve a #2, and that’s the best you could do. #1 is always reserved for somebody’s who sucked a dick or 2.
Sean: The real whores.
Dick: Yeah. That’s what they cruise the #2s of the world say, “hey, I got a deal. You want to be #1? All you gotta do is suck this dick.” I know how it works, I’m a man also. You know?
Sean: There was an article written on how in the history of the charts and stuff that songs that hit #2 overall are much better songs than #1s.
Dick: Much better albums. Much better everything is #2. People are – if you’re #1, what’s left for you? Nothing.
Sean: Nothing. Take 2 weeks off and quit.
Dick: Just quit! #2. That’s an honest – that’s an honest achievement that you got on your own through your own merits through the value of your entertainment product, and music, and comedy album. #2. The #1 who beat us… Netflix woman comedian. A living version of a Cathy cartoon. I went on her Twitter. All anti-Trump shit. I dunno, this chick, Magdalene something. Large Marge. That’s who beat us. She’s got a Netflix special called Bothering Jesus. I go on her Twitter, all anti-Trump. Ah, give me a fucking break. C’mon. We can’t be expected to compete with this.
Sean: This is not comedy. This is what passes for comedy.
Dick: Yeah, get the hell outta here. This is real comedy. So good job everybody. We fucking did it. #2. Billboard – excuse me. Billboard charting comedy album. Sorry, I brushed my teeth with acne medication last night, I’m not feeling so hot.
Sean: Yeah. Your whiteheads are looking much better though.
Dick: On my teeth?
Sean: Yeah. They’re just a giant whitehead now.
Dick: My blackheads on my teeth are all gone.
Sean: Yeah, that’s good. That’s gross. That must have tasted something special.
Dick: Well, it didn’t taste anything. I went into the…
Sean: Did you think you were brushing with some natural toothpaste or something like, “Oh, this pumice was harvested from Kilauea or whatever people are fucking brushing their teeth with nowadays.”
Dick: Look, you don’t know what’s going on in women’s bathrooms. Okay?
Sean: Oh, no. I do.
Dick: No you don’t, Sean. You don’t know what’s going on in women’s bathrooms. They’ve got like 10 tubes out. You know? I have a toothbrush, razor, and a toothpaste tube. You understand? I went into 80’s girl’s bathroom. She uses a bathroom at the other end of the house. She gets ready very early. Very nice of her to do this. I’m brushing my teeth. A little wobbly. Freshen up a little bit before bed.
Sean: Right. You’re about to have a date with one of your hands.
Dick: Excuse you. Excuse you. I grab a tube of toothpaste-looking – a tube of – tube that looks like it contains toothpaste! I prepare my toothbrush. Because, here’s what I like to do. I like to get up in the morning, and I like to brush my teeth all around the whole house. Like, it’s torture for me to sit there and stare at myself and brush my teeth. Because I look at myself and I’m like, “I look like I’m jacking off a ghost. I don’t want to look at that. So, when I turn around and look at the wall, I’ like, “This is boring.” There’s a ton of stuff I could be doing while I’m brushing my teeth, right? I hate down-time because my brain has been fried with social media, and phones, and immediacy, and Twitch!
Sean: Right. You need constant stimulation all the time.
Dick: I need constant stimulation all the time. I need to take a break from my TV to my iPad to my phone while one thing’s loading. “Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.” That’s me.
Sean: That’s everybody.
Dick: That’s everybody. So, I can’t just brush my teeth and think about life, because then I gotta think about stuff I don’t want to think about.
Sean: About life.
Sean: Yeah, life is a pejorative. You gotta walk around. You gotta look at your view out the back deck.
Dick: You gotta start the coffee. I gotta look at a big stack – fiddle with bills and stuff like that. I gotta look at Magic cards.
Sean: That’s what fools us into thinking we’re efficient, as opposed to distracted all the time.
Dick: Just touching a bunch of shit?
Sean: Yeah, just going, “Wow, look at all this stuff while I brush my teeth.”
Dick: Yeah, what’d you do today? 1”—” I had a real busy day. Let’s see it. Uh, 9:05 to 9:10, fiddled around with bills for a while. (:10 to 9:15, looked at a shopping cart on Amazon for 10 minutes.” You did about 10 minutes of fucking things today. “Deleted spam emails, 9:30 to 9:45.”
Sean: If everybody had to watch a playback of their day at the end of every day, everyone would die that day. They’d kill themselves.
Dick: By their own boredom.
Sean: They’d just be like – fucking anything.
Dick: But, you know what? I’d do anything to watch someone else’s day.
Sean: That’s what we do!
Dick: Like, watch them sort bills. You’re like, “Oh, you lazy fuck. Look at you just sorting through those bills you fucking bitch.”
Sean: That’s pretty much what we do.
Dick: I like to do a little tour in the morning when I’m brushing my teeth. It’s just boring I the bathroom. You need the sink area, right? Otherwise you just get all the foam in you mouth. So, I found – I ended up placing my toothbrush in the wrong bathroom through my tour. I got distracted. I get very distracted. I just spread shit all around the house. I’m like a bee, pollinating the house with my things. Some people call it making a mess, but it’s actually a very important part of the ecosystem.
Sean: Annexing territories.
Dick: So, I left my toothbrush in the wrong bathroom. Late at night, I went up there, going to bed, grabbed the toothbrush, and I grabbed a thing that looks very much like toothpaste. No warning labels on it to indicate that it’s not toothpaste, and I squirted it on the toothpaste. I was like, “Oh, that’s a little bit weird.” Maybe the whole of this toothpaste – it came out thin. It came out thin.
Sean: Maybe it was a little clogged up.
Dick: Maybe ti was a little clogged up.
Sean: Maye it had just had sex.
Dick: Yeah, maybe it had just – it came out in 2 streams of toothpaste.
Sean: Yeah, one of them hit the bathroom mirror.
Dick: So, I said, “Well, that’s odd.” I put it in my mouth, start brushing my teeth. Huh, it’s not minty or refreshing at all, really. Maybe this bitch has sensitive teeth, and this is one of those – like Sensodyne. You know?
Sean: I like how you’re blaming her already.
Dick: Well it’s not minty! Why is the toothpaste not minty?
Sean: What kinda stupid ass brushes with this shit? This is terrible toothpaste.
Dick: Look, I’ve struggles with sensitive teeth myself, so I know that people sometimes don’t like to talk about their special toothpaste. My dad, one time, found this – I dunno where he saw this. Maybe he saw it on the news. Like, old people get – excuse me – older people, they get like – they’re on like a newsletter for weird shit. Like, they have a channel or a mailing list or something that you can’t get on. Maybe AARP identifies them and comes at night and puts a chip in their television to give them like bizarre television broadcasts from another world. One day, he found this toothpaste that was supposed to be good for enamel or something like that. So, he orders like a crate of it. Something like toothpaste, which you need to not be disgusting. But he goes and – maybe give it a shot, have a tube of it or something like that. No, not this guy.
Sean: Well, he’s afraid that everyone else will catch on, and then the price will be driven up.
Dick: He’s efficient.
Sean: Well he is. He’s an economics guy. He wants to make sure he – then people will have to come to him.
Dick: He made a decision a long time ago that, in order to avoid decision fatigue, he would never think twice about a decision. So, he just acts upon his first decision immediately, which is usually the best one.
Sean: You know what? I was just gonna say that’s not a bad way to be, unless you’re like George Costanza, and every decision you make is the wrong one.
Dick: He’s the opposite. Every decision he makes is exactly the – is a great one. You probably couldn’t do better endlessly humming and hawing about it.
Sean: Oh, no, no, no. There’s a lot of – there’s a lot to be learned from that, I think.
Dick: Except when you get a crate of toothpaste that tastes like baking soda.
Sean: Well, nobody’s 100%.
Dick: So, he spent like 2 months trying to shill this toothpaste for everybody. Like, sneaking this fucked toothpaste in our cars, because you can’t not use it! Like, he knows – he knows that I will eventually run out of toothpaste and have squished the toothpaste down to absolutely – so I created a vacuum inside the toothpaste tube, and I’ll have to resort to his car toothpaste.
Sean: Yeah, because you’re not going to the store.
Dick: Not going to the fucking store. So, I figured maybe this – maybe she’s got some goofy toothpaste. Oh well, it doesn’t have any – it doesn’t have any flavor. I’m gonna start putting my tongue on my teeth a little bit. It’s like, huh, that feels like lotion. Like, I’ve never had this sensation of lotion on my teeth, but I’m pretty sure that’s what – I turned the toothpaste-looking tube over. Acne medication. God, come one. I just went to bed.
Sean: didn’t even brush your teeth with the real stuff, right?
Dick: Fuck it. No.
Sean: Forget it.
Dick: Let’s give it a shot.
Sean: Tried it once. What’s the worst that could happen?
Dick: This is how journals are made – out of behavior like this. I forget why I started talking about that. Anyway, we got Billboard charting album #2. The Dick album is a huge success. I’ve got 10 to give away, but I don’t really know how to give them out. I want to make a music video out of that Dick Lies track too. That track’s fucking great.
Sean: It is a great track. It’s a great track.
Dick: Let’s see here. What else makes me a rage? Oscars are tonight. I don’t give – I fucking hate the Oscars!
Sean: Oh, I do too.
Dick: I hate everything about the Oscars.
Sean: I haven’t watched one since I got out of film marketing. It’s too – it’s just the worst of the entertainment industry come together in one night. It’s awful. It’s awful. Everything about the Oscars is awful.
Dick: Yeah. I didn’t put my thoughts together, because it’ll be over by the time this show’s done. The Oscars.
Sean: It’ll never be just ending.
Dick: Never enjoyed one single thing about it.
Sean: The self-righteousness is off the charts.
Dick: Never seen one movie – it’s a trick to get you to listen to the speech, I think. That’s what it is. It’s like a fake competition based on nothing. Based on absolutely nothing.
Sean: Based on the industry giving itself awards.
Dick: Let’s see here. I’ll tell you what makes me a rage.
Sean: It’s awful. Just full of awful people.
Dick: God, it is.
Sean: I know that I can think of off the top of my head – I have worked with – not still I contact – but 4 members of the academy I can think of.
Dick: Oh really? Like the people who pick?
Sean: Yeah, the people who pick. And all 4 are awful human beings.
Sean: They’re terrible people. Like, the way they treat people, what they do in their personal life, what they – yeah. I’m not gonna mention too many – yeah, but no. They’re scum.
Dick: I hate the whole thing, and everybody’s going to Oscar parties. No one realizing that every guy going there is just going there in the hopes to meet someone’s friend out – that’s in their social circle, to get laid. Just a little bit. A little bit of the old touch of the penis. The whole Oscar party ecosystem circles around. I fucking hate it every year.
Dick: It is. Let me see here. I got a weird thing that happened to me.
Sean: Weirder than brushing your teeth with acne medication?
Dick: Yeah, here’s a little Dick Tip. Yeah. So I got a text from Amazon. I sell signed copies of Men Are Better Than Women on The Dick – The Dick Store. Shop.dick.show. I underestimated how many people would want a signed copy, so I didn’t send in enough, and I’ve been like struggling to try to keep up with keeping the signed copies in the warehouse, because that’s where they get sent from.
Sean: Wow. That’s a good problem to have, but…
Dick: Yeah, it’s cool, but it’s also, you know, a lot of people’s orders have been delayed, because Amazon will send me books that have tire marks on the front of them! I can’t sign this and send it out you cocksuckers! Where are you storing my –
Sean: You should charge more for that and tell them it got thrown out the window in the rain and run over by a little car.
Dick: Yeah. I had too much terrain, and I accidentally ran the book over. I don’t have a breathalyzer. You know, here’s something funny. Nick Rackets did a video recently about how not to get a DUI. And I won’t saw who he did it on, but this person, from what I…
Sean: His name was Counselor Lowenbrau.
Dick: Yeah. This person, according to the arrest report, fucking Nick Rackets read the actual arrest report of this dude getting his first DUI. The officer’s account of everything they fucked up, swerving into traffic and shit.
Sean: I know what I’m doing after the show!
Dick: Oh my god, I don’t know where he got this stuff! Nick. So, I’m reading it, and I’m like, “wait a minute. If I’m getting this right, this dude has the same car that I did.”
Sean: You’re kidding?
Dick: No. Convertible Lexus. There’s only one convertible Lexus in 2006. I’m like, “Yeah, I know how that car handles in the rain! I fucking crashed it in the rain!”
Sean: Well, you know what’s funny is the guys on Top Gear like rated that one of their most hated cars.
Dick: Oh, it drives like mush. It drives mush because it’s like a playing car with wheels on it. Because of the convertible, it has no – there’s no cage.
Sean: Yeah. They went for something that Lexus has never – because they’ve made great cars over the years. It’s like they went for something just out of left-field, and apparently – I dunno. I don’t know anybody who – I never drove your car. I’ve ridden in it a million times.
Dick: It’s great. It’s a great car.
Sean: But yeah. According to them, they was like, “this is single-handedly destroying the brand.”
Dick: Yeah. They were right. Everything that they said was right, but it’s still a nice car. It never gets fucked up. Nothing’s ever wrong with it. It’s very reliable. Anyway. So, I’m ordering these Men Are Better Than Women books to sign and sent to the shop, and I get a text from Amazon, as you do, saying, “A box with 18 copies of Men Are Better Than Women has just been delivered to your place.” I open up the front door and say, “Oh, thank god. I can get more of these books to the factory. To the warehouse.” I open up the box, and inside are all signed copies.
Sean: Oh no.
Dick: Yeah! From Amazon!
Sean: Yeah, that’s wrong.
Dick: Very wrong! Very wrong! Wait a minute…
Sean: You keep these!
Dick: Not even them! I send it to an additional warehouse! So, I go down to the UPS store, and I said, “Hey! Did you guys fuck up a – first of all, did you fuck up a return? Send it to Amazon, and then they realized that in somehow figured out to send it to me? What the fuck happened here?” So, the owner comes out, and he’s like, “oh, yeah, okay. I think I know what happened.”
Sean: Which means you definitely know what happened.
Dick: Yeah, what happened? He goes, “Well, the other label that you had on this box was sent to your house, and it didn’t get crossed out.” Like, okay, so you didn’t cross it out. And the actual label…
Sean: Maybe he’s Japanese! No, it didn’t get crossed out.
Dick: Yeah. Oh, you’re right, he is!
Dick: Yeah. He’s Asian. No shit, you’re absolutely right!
Sean: I’m not gonna say if that Asian is Japanese or not, because apparently, I’m bad at that. So, you know. I think producer Randy is Korean. I should have known by how shit-faced drunk he gets that he’s definitely Japanese.
Dick: God, he does get drunk. It’s great. So he says that they read the initial shipping label, which was a box on Amazon to my house. They scanned that label, and then sent it to me, and they ignored the other one where I was sending it to the warehouse. So, I said, “Well wait a minute. Doesn’t that shipping get cancelled when it’s used for the first time?” He said no. So I said, “does that mean I could just take this box anywhere, and send myself shit with this label for free? Forever? He said, “Uh, eventually they catch on.” What do you mean eventually?! It sounds like – so that’s a pretty good Dick Tip! If you have anything you want to send home, just take an old label off of an Amazon box, and put it on another box, and drop it off at a store.”
Sean: And eventually just happened! There’s a rash of people sending themselves free shit.
Dick: Yeah. Anyway, I’ll tell you what makes me a rage this week. I went to Little Irishmen’s first tee-ball game. First of all, these motherfuckers are livestreaming tee-ball games. These kids are 5 years old. They’ve got a full 360-degree camera behind home plate that they’re broadcasting with. First of all man, it’s youth sports parents. That is what makes me – it has made me a rage for my entire fucking life.
Sean: Yeah, I know. This you know well.
Dick: And it’s made me even more of a rage this week, because I could see it in action over kids that are 5 years old. These kids are running around like a flock of birds in the field. When a ball gets hit off of a tee, they run around clumping their gloves at the ball. There being hindered by the gloves that’s just. The glove’s 10 pounds, they can’t use this thing. It’s a miracle that nobody gets hurt In every single play.
Sean: I know the flock of birds thing. It’s like mighty mights, I dunno if they still call it that in ice hockey when they’re like 4 or 5. And here’s the thing it’s like 10 kids like a flock of birds chasing a puck around at like walking speed. Yeah, it’s just everywhere. It’s the same thing with tee-ball, You can’t expect them to play positions.
Dick: It’s a fun day outside. It’s a fun day outside they hang out together. The parents hang out together, and you got about 2 innings in these kids, because they all – they bat around every time. There’s no –
Sean: Nobody’s getting anybody out.
Dick: There’s no playing baseball at all. Little Irishman even said afterwards, “hey man, you gotta tag the runner if you’re gonna play catcher.” He played catcher one inning just so he could sit on his ass all inning. He just sat there – like, you gotta tag that guy. It’s not real baseball. It’s kid’s baseball. Like, okay. You’re right. Sorry to try to – I’m sorry to criticize. I forgot my place.
Sean: The student has become the master.
Dick: These kids are running around. They got 2 innings in them at most. But because of the fucking rules of the league, or whatever it is, the games are set at 1 hour. If there’s an inning change after an hour, that’s the end of the game. 70 minutes, or some amount of time. But the two inning mark where every kid hits the wall, and it turns into the civil war out there, where kids are dropping like flies because they don’t understand why they’re stuck in the field now. They’re all turning to the adults and saying, “hey, I’m done. I wanna get off this ride. What do I have to do to get off this thing.” Those 2 innings only took 60 minutes, you got 10 more minutes. And then they stretch out to an eternity, Sean. Lie, you can see when the coachers come over to talk to the parents and say, “hey, we’re thinking about calling this game early, because only a psychotic – only a psychotic monster would force us to partake in this pantomime of baseball for 1 more secone.
Sean: Cue psychotic monster in the stands.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what they’re saying. “Hey, parents, gather round. We’re thinking of just calling this, going to get some ice cream, hanging out with the kids, feeling a lot of love, and drive home. That’s option A. Option 2 is, for some reason that’s deep down in the sickness of your mind that is whatever you failed at in life, and you’re now trying to live through these children to force them to play – to force them to put on the spectacle for – to force them – now it’s an endurance game!
Sean: Yeah, you’re so right., You’re so right. Meanwhile, the kid in the right field has got his arm 2 and a half feet down a gopher hole. They’re not – they’ve long since packed it in.
Dick: They never even brought it.
Sean: Okay, true.
Dick: They just showed up – they showed up to do I twice, that’s enough. You can – it’s the weirdest – because I remember being a kid!
Sean: Yeah. As soon as the kids stop having fun, it’s not for the parents, It’s NOT for the parents!
Dick: And you can see them. You can see them. I’m sitting in the back, and you know, it’s the… I dunno what the word is. People who know what’s going on are always the quietest, right? People who are fucked are the first ones! “Let’s go another inning! We gotta keep these kids going!” What in the fuck? How dare you put everybody through this for another inning of this? For what?! For what?! Write it down! Make an argument! Let’s start with no! Do you see what you’re doing to us out here?!
Sean: Do you think you’re teaching them some kind of a valuable life lesson.
Dick: No. What the hell… You got dads out there – every time the kid comes into home, “Slide! Slide!” You slide, you fat piece of shit! What are you talking about slide? Lorain the other day, my sister’s a coach. This is the best part. My dad was a coach too, growing up. My sister’s a coach now. So, first thing she gets is – it’s very – you can imagine how this is one of those situations where you have no idea the kind of thinking that people are bringing to the table in this situation. Right? Like, if you’re at a poker game, you at least know everybody plays poker. Everybody here’s familiar with the rules. There’s a level of – there’s a level of behavior that everyone’s on the same page. Even if you’re in like a band, you do anything. But if you’re doing youth sports, these motherfuckers could come from anywhere. It’s a free for all of behavior and trying to pull shit. Like, you could have guys – you don’t know what this guy does during the day. Maybe he’s a doctor, right? Or maybe he’s a – like he could be anybody. So, they get teams. They get their teams assigned to them. You get your kid, then you get your kid’s friends, and then it’s a random assortment. And every team gets a girl. They split up the girls so they’re all equal. We all know why, right? Because the girls are there to make friends. It’s fine. You know, you know. Obviously. Obviously, we know why they do it. But I don’t see anybody going after them. “Hey, why don’t you have a team of all girls?” So my sister gets a call from another coach, or there’s a group text from another coach who says, “hey, one of your players is a friend of my kid’s on my team. So, let’s make a trade.” So, my sister says, “Well, yeah, you know fine. Send me your list of people.” First thing she does she calls my dad.
Sean: This is gonna get so sideways so quick.
Dick: Oh, Sean.
Sean: Oh man.
Dick: You’re talking about the lowest stakes. The lower the stakes, the more fucked people are.
Sean: Now we’re talking like 3 team, 6 player deals.
Dick: That’s what it is.
Sean: And some crackerjacks, you know, to sweeten the deal.
Dick: So, the guy presents that to my sister. “I need that player of yours. I need Tommy, I need little Tommy. It’s my son’s friend, my assistant coach’s son. I need him.” So, my sister goes, “Okay. I’m gonna call dad.”
Sean: The GM.
Dick: Yeah. “Dad, you’ve got a rich history of…
Sean: Upsetting children.
Dick: … parent youth sports. What should I do in this situation?” My dad goes, “Tell them to go fuck themselves.”
Sean: He’s your best player!
Dick: Okay, dad, not gonna do that. She writes back and says, “Hey, give me a list of all your players so I can figure out who’s the closest to the practice field to make it easy for them.” No response. She wakes up the next day to a text from that guy sending to the whole group, “Hey, we’re trading Tommy for Brittany on our team.” My sister goes, “What the fuck? They just unloaded a girl! These motherfuckers just, on purpose, unloaded their girl onto my team.”
Sean: Now it’s a matter of principle. Now you have to say go fuck yourself.
Dick: That was the best part! It’s like fucking dad was right in the first place! Go fuck yourself! You want something reasonable? Go fuck yourself!
Sean: Yeah, yeah… Yeah, you made it unreasonable.
Dick: I wish little league coaches – I wish all little league coaches would have to do what they do in drag. Like bugs bunny. Just take the starch out of them as they’re screaming for more. Oh, you want to go another inning? Would you want to do it if you had to wear a dress? No, you’d want to go home. You wouldn’t be shouting so much if you were in a dress, would you sir? Or something like that. Even the women. Put a dress on. Hard to – it’s hard to command the same authority when you’ve got that act to tug on, and act like you’re in a civil war reenactment. Yeah… And I don’t get the sportsman like conduct that they teach either. You gotta shake hands after the game. Fuck you.
Sean: Yeah, I was so competitive that I hated that. I didn’t even – all those handshakes and stuff were blurs to me. And everybody’s saying the same thing, like, good game, good game. Because you basically go through and high-five. It’s a long lone, so you’re supposed to say it to every [player, so you’re a fucking zombie at the end of it.
Dick: I hated that shit. Just walk off the field. I dunno what specifically makes me so upset about it. How many professional athletes are there? I looked it up. I think there’s 11-12 thousand jobs in professional sports competitions. People make more money on Twitch than they do out there. I don’t see these people so aggro about getting their kids to stream. “You gotta get this webcam up. You gotta set up your donation box. You gotta pay attention to your chat. I wanna see you Minecrafting 3 hours a day.” Rucka is done with The Best Debate.
Sean: I heard that.
Dick: Rucka is done with The Best Debate, and I tweeted about it. I think Peach was involved in the Tweeting, and then immediately Rucka followed her.
Sean: Oh really?
Dick: Yeah. I could think of 32 reasons why he would d-d-do that. And then immediately the next day he unfollowed her, and it’s like, ah, you fucking scumbag Rucka. You perv. I offered him $1000 to come on the show.
Sean: You did?
Dick: Yeah. Cash.
Sean: I don’t see him doing that.
Dick: No. He’ll never do it.
Sean: I mean – I don’t know him well, aside from the time – shooting the shit and stuff like that. I mean, to me, it seems like he would just want to bow out gracefully and that’s the only thing I could see. He’s got his own stuff.
Dick: Now he’s a thought leader now. He wants to debate Ben Shapiro about objectivism.
Sean: Ah, shit. Well…
Dick: Go to college man, that’ll knock that need to sound smart outta you.
Sean: You know what’s interesting about him is he’s pretty – he’s been to Milo speeches and stuff like that. He’s – I think he’s pretty aligned with some of the right side of this show. More than one would think, I think. Unless I’m completely misreading him, but I think…
Dick: I just think it’s a – I’m sure politically he is. Sounds like it. That libertarian shit. I just think it’s so obnoxious to me when comedians start thinking that that’re thought leaders, and they want to teach you shit about philosophy. Either put it in the song, or the comedy, or shit the fuck up about it.
Sean: But the thing is like he does get asked to speak at these things. It’s not like him calling himself that. Like, that’s what he – whatever they call the – I can’t think of the word.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: He gets asked to speak at things?
Dick: About politics and philosophy?
Sean: No, not politics. Like, internet type stuff. That kinda stuff. As far as thought leader and stuff is different. I don’t know what he’s doing.
Dick: I think he’s been hanging around Maddox too long if he thinks he’s gonna make the transition into the serious philosophical commentary.
Sean: Yeah, I mean… Only he knows what he’s gonna do.
Dick: Stick to songs, man. Come by the show if you want to talk about what Maddox is behind the scenes. I doubt it. $1000 to your… Charity of your choice!
Sean: Yeah. I mean if… Yeah. If you were him, would you want to keep this thing going?
Dick: Yeah! That’s what’s wrong with me!
Sean: Yeah, I guess so.
Dick: I would love it!
Sean: He enjoys – I know he’s been involved in YouTube feuds and all that stuff. I remember him saying, he said, “to start a feud with somebody on YouTube is so fun.”
Dick: That’s why I thought he’d want to come in and talk shit, but I dunno. Maybe he’s afraid of getting sued. Because, dude, Asterios and I compared legal bills this month. Oh my god man. It’s a fucking down-payment on a fucking house.
Sean: And the only ones who win are the lawyers.
Dick: Ah, no. It’s really true. Nobody fucking wins, we’re out god knows how much money. With the hope to god – a hail Mary hope to god that someone is awarded damages from both Maddox and M3ntal Jess, because they’re both co-plaintiffs. So, if there’s damages to get, they both have shit to pay for making everybody pay so much fucking money.
Sean: That’s why commercial court is such a good thing, right?
Dick: I dunno. I hope so. Yeah, it’s a good thing if it’s done right away. But god damn, just the size of the fucking bull has taught me more than anything else that there is no such thing as law. Like, all of these rights that we have that we are so proud of having! All these fucking amendments, now when I hear people talk about them, I’m like, “bro, those don’t exist at all.”
Sean: You sound just like George Carlin.
Dick: Do I?
Sean:” Yeah. I mean it’s the – he’s like, the rights – I have no right, you have no rights. They’re ideas. They don’t really exist.
Dick: They don’t fucking exist, and if you walk into a court with a copy of the bill of rights, that’s what you’re going to be left with. That, and your one hand with your dick in the other. All that matters is you get exactly as much justice as you can afford! And unfortunately, that happens to be all of your money! All of it until it’s gone if someone chooses to fuck with you. It’s barely – I’ll put it this way: Our justice system is barely better than just straight up murder, which is the alternative. That’s what we had, and we said we gotta make it slightly better than this, and we did, and it is no better.
Sean: It’s just murder by proxy. It’s murder once removed.
Dick: It’s just slightly, slightly bette3r. The rights don’t mean a goddamn thing!
Sean: You have the right to spend all of your money defending yourself. No matter how ridiculous this goddamn lawsuit is.
Dick: You have the right to say anything you want. That’s gonna cost you though. How much? What do you got?
Sean: Right, what do you got?
Dick: What do you got? It means absolutely fucking nothing. The whole system of rights to me means Dick anymore. Laws in general. The idea that… Watching people talk about arguments and counter-arguments, I’m like, “Yeah, no. That’s great. That’s gonna cost you 30-thousand dollars, what you just said.” No one can afford that! No one.
Sean: Effectively it’s like – it’s gonna cost you real money to argue over whether like the tooth fairy could beat up Santa Clause. It’s the stupidest fucking thing. The whole premise is retarded, but it’s costing you real money.
Dick: Well then it makes me think like – and this isn’t just this court, it’s not just this case, it’s every single one. It costs godly sums to get divorced. To get your kids back. The second you put a dollar amount to it, everything goes out the fucking window. Like as much as it all sounds nice on paper, as soon as you have to pay to defend it, especially so fucking much.
Sean: Yeah, already not worth it. Already not…
Dick: It’s just – it’s not. It’s not worth it. Yeah. God, it really sucks for Asterios.
Sean: Oh, I’m sure.
Dick: It sucks for him a lot more than it sucks for me.
Sean: Yeah, it’s brutal. It’s fucking brutal. Because anybody can bring some stupid ass lawsuit, and you have to go through – you have to go through the motions just to have somebody give the official “this is fucking dumb, get out.” It costs money to do that.
Dick: Yeah, we gotta fix it. Let me see here.
Sean: Back to murder!
Dick: That was you.
Sean: That was me.
Dick: Quote Sean saying that.
Dick: Oh god. I’m a little lost here today, I dunno why.
Sean: And, by the way, I’m not advocating murder with any concrete, cement, or other related products. That would probably get me banned if I had a social media presence. 2x4s are in.
Dick: I like that little league coaches in drag thing.
Sean: I do too! That’s like the – it’s like chemical castration. Just with clothes. It would definitely calm down the testosterone in these fucking little league coaches, bossing around 5-year-olds, wouldn’t it?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, it would. Because they never stop doing it. Like they all…
Sean: Put ‘em in a dress.
Dick: They all pretend like they’re drill sergeants. All the way up to the top. Like, would you just shut the fuck up? I want to see the amount of work into it producing better skills. Prove it to me that you helped with all the shouting and all the regimented quazi-military training that you were giving these kids. Just prove it to me.
Sean: They always care more than the kids do.
Dick: So much more. Here’s The Cuck Song, by KenDollInHide.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song ends)
Dick: I think it’s based on something called The Duck Song. Let me get Harmful Opinions on here. Hey Harmful Opinions, you there?
Harmful Opinions: Yeah, I am.
Dick: Hey, good man. It’s been a long time since we’ve talked to you. Welcome back to the show.
Harmful Opinions: Thank you.
Dick: You’ve been basically annihilated off the internet since then?
Harmful Opinions: More or less. I’m still on Twitch for now at least, until the clock strikes 12, and Twitch mods come for me when the new guidelines go into effect tomorrow.
Dick: Oh, is that tomorrow?
Harmful Opinions: That’s tomorrow. Well, it was gonna be the 19th, but they pushed it back to tomorrow. Think they were going to clarify it, which they haven’t really done, except for one thing that made it even more horrifying.
Dick: Can you bump him up a little bit? What was the one thing – so, let me just give everybody a background, in case they’re not up on the Twitch stuff. I’m all into Twitch now, because I play piano on it, right? Thought it’d be just a nice time to relax, and I’m playing piano anyway, right? Why not fire up a camera, mic it up? Because you get better if you’re performing in front of people.
Sean: You get better at performing.
Dick: Yeah. Right., Like, you can sit on your own and practice endlessly. But one performance in front of people is worth like 1000 practices.
Sean: If that’s your end goal, sure.
Dick: What do you mean as an end goal?
Sean: Like to perform. Because it depends – like, you know, performance may – if you’re going for some sort of like, you know, technical efficiency or something like that, that’s one – it depends what you’re trying to do. But ultimately, music and stuff is probably should be performed.
Dick: Dude, I think that no metter what you’re doing, if you’re doing it in front of people, and that that panic is in your mind, it makes your brain learn it better, because you’re afraid of your life.
Harmful Opinions: It definitely develops something that doesn’t get developed anywhere else.
Sean: That’s true.
Dick: You play anything Harmful?
Harmful Opinions: Oh yeah. I’m a guitarist. I used to work with some brands and stuff even.
Dick: Oh yeah, like who?
Harmful Opinions: Boutique guitar makers like Goulding Lindsay Wilson. They’re the guys who make the aluminium ones.
Dick: Oh, I’ve always wanted one of those. The resonator.
Harmful Opinions: No, like a proper Les Paul style guitars that they have machined. Well, they hollow them out, otherwise it would break your fucking neck if you strapped it around your neck. But they’re like Les Paul style guitars but made of aluminium.
Dick: I didn’t know that.
Harmful Opinions: Just endless sustain.
Sean: I like the aluminium, because…
Dick: Saying it correctly? The way it’s spelled correctly?
Sean: Well, it’s the way that it originally was, because they wanted it the same as – they changed it later.
Dick: Speaking of changes, Twitch is saying now that if you – they have this whole set of guidelines that you gotta fit or else they’ll block you. And we’re familiar with what that means, right? Like, if you start just telling the truth – like if you start talking like a guy normally talks when we’re sitting around talking to each other, if you talk like a regular guy where you just spell things out and talk about responsibility, and why things are happening, and don’t treat everything like there’s this amorphous deity that’s just picking good people to suffer consequences. No! That happened to you because of this! That’s the kinda shit that will get you banned. So Twitter – Twitch is now saying if you dress too provocatively, if you’re being offensive anywhere, which for some of us that’s our goal every day! It’s fun! That’s entertainment! Some of us don’t want to be sarcastic all the time! We want to be direct and tell people to fuck themselves! Some of us don’t want to be good sports! We want to be bad sports!
Harmful Opinions: Here’s the killer part though: It’s not even just if you cross over the line. If your audience crosses over the line, and you don’t stop them. They’ve been pretty explicit about this. And the most horrifying thing about this was yesterday or the day before, but very very recently, they clarified even when you’re offline, if people are using your Twitch’s chat box and they break the rules, and you haven’t put something in place, if you haven’t got a moderation team together for the other 20 hours you’re not streaming today, if I don’t use an AI bot, and rules are being broken when I’m not there, I can be banned because I haven’t looked after my community.
Dick: Dude, it’s the most fucked up – like it’s not fucked up just because of Twitch. It’s a stupid video game thing like a lot of people don’t use. It’s fucked up because it’s exactly what I was saying. There’s no such thing as rights anymore. Like it doesn’t exist if everything you use dinks you and deletes you because they don’t like how you’re talking.
Harmful Opinions: It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere. There’s very few places where you can go and use the internet like everyone was for years! What’s been the consequence of that? What’s happened directly from people just being able to speak how they want on the internet? All the horrible stuff like terrorism and stuff. That’s not what people are getting banned for.
Dick: It’s fucked because you could like – you couldn’t make a law to stop what’s going on here, right? Like, when we started -is this getting too heavy this episode? We started America, and you said, “this shit is so important, like freedom of speech, this shit is so important that some people didn’t even want to write it down. Like some federalist didn’t even want to write the amendment, didn’t even want to write the Bill of Rights down, because they were worried it would imply to stupid people that this could be changed! Because it was made with a pen, “Oh, just change it with a pen.” That’s why we shouldn’t even write it down! Because people are going to get the idea that somehow this is amendable and it’s fucking not!
Harmful Opinions: I think that they just don’t have the values to be flaffy or poetic in their heart. They don’t desire the freedom. They don’t care. People don’t care.
Dick: No they don’t. And my point in bringing that up was that you couldn’t get these laws through the legal way, so now they’ve taken over – they’ve taken over all of our media companies and forced them through hashtags and through a mob rule that’s established laws that could never get passed through traditional courts!
Sean: That’s exactly right. It’s the more nefarious version of “taxes have to be voted on, so they call it a fee.” And you just pay it. You know, like California has, “Oh, there’s new fees.” It’s how you get the populace to pay taxes without calling them taxes.
Dick: Like the worst thing in the world is a straight up democracy where mob rules. Where a majority wins every time. Because then the little guy always gets stomped on. You know, guys who don’t have the money to fight this kinda shit. The worst thing in the world. And now we’re fucking every day, we’re closer to living in it. Every person that gets kicked off one of these platforms, every little tweak to a TOS that makes more speech not allowed on their platform, every single one is just a bigger response to the mob. It’s gonna get worse and worse.
Sean: The first amendment has to be absolute.
Dick: I dunno man. I think we’re in a post-amendment world, and we’re now living in a corporatocracy. Fuck lobbying.
Sean: I know. The way that I see it, it’s like, man, you’ve – I’m a first amendment absolutionist. [sic]
Dick: You mean get rid of it, or absolutist?
Sean: Oh, I’m sorry. Pretty bad mistake. Absolutist.
Dick: Yeah, I dunno.
Sean: No abolitionist.
Dick: So what the hell are you going to do, Harmful Opinions?
Harmful Opinions: I dunno, to be honest. I mean I’ve shifted – not shifted. I’ve re-opened my Patreon account…
Dick: Which is what?
Harmful Opinions: Harmful Opinions. I’m trying to prepare. So, I have a hub where if people don’t want to give money to Amazon or Twitch, they can move their stuff off of there. I’m basically preparing to get banned, and shift everything I’m doing. The money side of things, I want to try to get third party chat, so if I do have to move, wherever I move, I won’t be totally just fucked. I’ll have everything separate from the platform so that I can hop around better. But the places that you can go are getting fewer and fewer. I just worry that wherever we go, It’ll just become another mouse trap. Like, you get sucked into Facebook, you get sucked into Twitter, you get sucked into all these websites because they have this little bit of cheese. Here you go. You can have an audience, you can say what you want, you can get it out there. We are just great for you being able to speak your mind. And then once everyone’s there, the doors slam shut, and they turn the burner on.
Dick: And it’s for…
Harmful Opinions: You wouldn’t tolerate that in real life. If someone could buy up your fucking town, everyone moves in and it’s great. And suddenly, “Oh yeah, by the way, there’s nowhere else you can move, and here’s the new set of rules.”
Dick: Because it’s illegal. Like all this shit that happens in the real space – in the meat space, whatever you want to call off the internet is not allowed, precisely because we need fucking millennials in the supreme court. That’s what we need! Another supreme court of all millennials to just say – who have the brains of – who through some kinda Freaky Friday situation, we just switch all of the supreme court to their younger selves, so they understand what the hell is going on, right? Because you can’t take this shit! People say, “Oh, it’s a private business! You can do anything.” Totally false! That doesn’t exist, it’s never existed! That there’s a private business that could do whatever they want! Never! There’s a books on regulations that private businesses can do. But not online!
Harmful Opinions: I think that point works relative to how much the business opens their services to the public. How much it functions as a public space.
Sean: So, this is what Nick was talking about.
Harmful Opinions: They can do more, but as they open up and let people in, more of the freedoms we expect in a public space have to be applied there.
Sean: This is what I believe Nick was saying. About how you’re going to see a lot of that with the – what do they call it? Like a default public platform or something like that?
Dick: De-facto. I think that’s their fancy lawyer word. Lawyers just change words so…
Sean: No, de-facto means in practice.
Dick: Like, they call everything something different. You gotta go take like a – they call even their taking a piss something different, just so they could charge you to explain it to you what they mean.
Sean: I think it is de-facto. Yeah. In practice it’s used as a public forum.
Dick: Here’s a great example of this: Harmful Opinions, you sent me this video of – you know, here’s what’s fucked up too. Like, this is what I really want to know. Like, Harmful, you have autism, right?
Harmful Opinions: Yeah. What I said in that video was a joke. Was a total joke, by the way.
Dick: Okay. But do you?
Harmful Opinions: Yeah. I genuinely have autism. Shall I say what’s in the video so it makes sense to people?
Dick: Yeah, explain it a little bit.
Harmful Opinions: So I do IRL streaming every now and then on Twitch where I go out with a big ‘ol fucking camera strapped to my head, and I stream what I’m doing.
Dick: How big is the camera?
Sean: Like an 80’s RCA. One of those shoulder mounted ones.
Harmful Opinions: It’s a Go Pro.
Sean: He’s autistic.
Harmful Opinions: Not as bad as it could be.
Dick: What color is – do you like wear a helmet with a – my nephew has a helmet with a Go Pro attachment on the top. I’m just imagining you in it. It’s neon green.
Harmful Opinions: It’s pretty close man. It’s like a strap on, but for your head, and with a camera instead of a big ‘ol dong. You can’t miss that I have a camera. I met up with a viewer, an older gentleman, while I was doing an IRL stream. He was like, “Hey, I know where the bub JRR Tolkien hung out in, want to go check that out? So yeah, went there with him. Was at the bar about to order a drink, and one chick though, who was bartending said, “You might want to be careful with that camera, you might want to think about data protection laws,” and I said, “Oh, no. I’m totally comfortable whatever.” I said, “do you want me to leave though?” No. So, okay, we carry on. We pay for drinks, we go and sit down. A few minutes later, she walks over again with her arms folded and her pouting and trying to give me this lecture about how dangerous it is, and how I can be sued. And apparently, she didn’t – she’s acting like I hadn’t already checked if it was okay with her, and she just has this attitude like she’s trying to get me to submit to her. At the same time, I say, “Okay, do you want me to leave then?” She’s saying no, and I dunno. I don’t even know how to describe the attitude.
Dick: It’s so fucking weird because this is – I was just gonna talk about this. I’ll play it in a second. But the same thing happens to me when I complain about YouTube…
Harmful Opinions: She let me buy the drink, she wasn’t too bothered to let me pay for what she’s offering. But then she comes over and starts telling me about how she doesn’t want to be filmed. It’s like, fucking tell me before I pay you for something.
Sean: Did she make you take it off when you had sex later?
Dick: It’s like this – the same thing with people who will say, “oh, well of course they have to ban all these ne'er do wells from their system because of advertisers.” And my response is always, first of all, advertisers job is to please me. It’s not - we don’t have to satisfy the advertisers. It’s the other was around. But secondly, why are you excusing this behavior? What in you is driving you to excuse this behavior? It’s exactly the attitude that’s impossible to describe, it’s like they’re appeasing – this is their sacrifice to some weird – like, some weird thinking… I can’t explain it. I don’t know why they feel the drive to correct you for something that they think you’re doing wrong without checking it. Like, of all the thousands of things that are going on every day, why have they just picked this one to be wrong about? You know what I mean?
Harmful Opinions: Yeah. I mean, it’s even funnier in the UK, because some complain about being filmed when I think we’re the most surveyed country in the world, right? She’s taking the time out of her day, having walked past 500 CCTV cams being recorded to complain about the one guy with a camera making sure you know you’re being filmed and everything.
Dick: Yeah. It is like – it’s like going to a bunch of – it’s like going to a tribe that’s never encountered modern technology, and they think the camera is steaking their soul. We all still think it.
Harmful Opinions: It’s a power thing. In that situation, I was the person she thought it would work on, so she tried to try it on whatever situation you’ve been in. They think it will work on you or something. So they go for it, whereas with other examples, they’re too chicken-shit.
Dick: Yeah. It’s so weird how people have these – these roles in their head. Like, those cameras are the government, so they’re fine. The government owns my soul, but you having a camera, you’re going to steal my soul, and I have a problem with that, and I’m sure that some kind of – I’m sure that I have some kinda righteous indignation. I’ll play it for a little bit, just because it’s… Funny. Alright, I’m gonna play it now.
(Dick starts the video)
Dick: It’s Harmful in a pub. Now here she comes with the crossed arm.
Sean: Grumpy cat over her.
Dick: Yeah This is the universal chick – this is the universal sign for “I’m a pain in the ass.” Like, frogs in the wild will be painted bright neon green and pink if they’re poison. This is what chicks do when they’re going to fuck up your day. You know that they’re coming because their arms are crossed so that their entire body has been folded in half. Right? Yeah. Looking like a grumpy old man. Alright, here you go.
Dick: Beware? Thanks. You’re serving liquor that kills more people on earth than smoking, be careful of what you’re recording. Here’s another beer. You fucking idiot.
(The video ends)
Harmful Opinions: It just pisses me off, because she didn’t even have the decency to kick me out. I’m not gonna turn off my camera. The whole point is me going around showing people stuff online. I’m not gonna turn it off, so please, have the cask to say “get out of my establishment” or something. I can’;t stand the passive aggressive stiuff.
Sean: That was really passive aggressive.
Dick: Did she think you were gonna put her up on like, uh, dumpybartenders.xxx? That’s my site. I go around with a giant helmet filming dumpy bartenders and upload it to my pornography site.
Sean: I’m autistic. It’s okay.
Harmful Opinions: I don’t know what she was thinking. 99% of the time I go into a place, I make sure they know I’m recording, and they’re really happy to have it, because they’re like, “oh, cool, promotion.” They’re happy with their establishment, they’re happy with how they present themselves and how they behave. You can tell that they’re being a bit extra nice even. But this – she just doesn’t get it, I guess.
Dick: We’re so fucked. Loki was right. We just want somebody to rule us and tell us what to do.
Harmful Opinions: I wish I said I have to have this camera on because I’m a sex offender. It didn’t come to my mind in the moment.
Dick: You know what I always want to know? How come – so – I think I barely have the ability to not say offensive things, but quite frequently I’ll just say something. Like, ah man, that was pretty offensive what I just said there. Like, why isn’t – why isn’t being a man just a protected disability? Right? Why isn’t autism? Because that’s a frequent complaint. With people with autism, they say offensive shit because they don’t know.
Sean: Social graces, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. So how are they – how does this – if one guy gets kicked off for saying something that they don’t know any better for saying that is offensive to someone, why is that not an anti-disability suit or something like that?
Harmful Opinions: We need to write off the male sex as not men and male anymore, it’s testosterone poisoning syndrome.
Dick: Yeah. I would like to file that lawsuit. Once I’m done blowing money on these lawyers for calling someone a cuck too many times.
Harmful Opinions: That’s nice. I’ve been following it as much as I can. I’ve been looking at this one – I can’t remember his name. But this guy on YouTube, the lawyer keeping up with that. I watch his videos every time there’s an update.
Dick: Nick Rekieta. Or YouTuber law?
Harmful Opinions: I think it’s YouTuber Law. Is he the one with the really strange name?
Dick: Yes. Leor Lessor.
Harmful Opinions: Yeah, that’s the one.
Dick: What do you think? What have you learned about it so far?
Harmful Opinions: I don’t know what to think. It seems like a joke, but it’s real.
Harmful Opinions: You live in fucking nightmare world, dude.
Dick: Yeah. It does seem like a joke. It does seem like a joke.
Harmful Opinions: He’s suing some crazy list of people as well. Including Patreon, right? Do you know what they’re saying?
Dick: Well, they’re saying that according to the TOS that Maddox signed, everything has to be decided by an arbiter in California, and that if they win, they get all the fees back or something like that. They’re saying that, because he signed a contract when he joined. And apparently those are binding. I didn’t know that, but apparently, they are.
Sean: They must have good lawyers.
Dick: Yeah. Apparently because he agreed to that when he signed up that even filing the lawsuit is a violation of the contract that he signed with them already. But who knows how much that costs?
Harmful Opinions: It’s surreal that this is all about you burning his ex, right? Ultimately?
Dick: Yeah. No, it is.
Sean: That word was boning, not burning. Sounded a little like burning.
Harmful Opinions: It’s the most bizarre fucking thing. It’s not even that you were fucking his current girlfriend.
Dick: Oh god no. She has no tits.
Harmful Opinions: He has a girlfriend now, right?
Dick: Yeah, he lives with her.
Harmful Opinions: He’s emotionally cucking her.
Dick: Oh, dude! So this is what I’m saying. And, by the way, I will give big money for this. I believe – Harmful. Imagine this. Imagine that a man and a woman live together, and the man totally melts down over his ex hooking up with somebody.
Harmful Opinions: I wouldn’t stay with that person.
Dick: Well, what you would do is immediately go fuck another guy.
Sean: You’ve been handed that card.
Dick: You’ve been handed a go get dick free card as Chris Rock would say. So, I am 100% convinced that there exists a man in LA that Maddox’s current girlfriend went and banged when he flipped out over his ex. I know women. I could see that scene playing out 1000 times in my head. If you react – if you chump out like that and start having obsessively texting your ex, calling her at work the next morning, haranguing her about who she fucked. If you’re the girl that lives with that guy, there is no way you didn’t go out and fuck another guy. I will offer whoever that she did fuck thousands of dollars to come clean with proof. Either texts that she sent him saying that she wants to fuck or wants to hang out. If M3ntal J3ss slept at their shared living space that night, I would be fucking floored, because there is no – I don’t care how abused women are. There is no way they would tolerate that. I don’t care what’s wrong with them. There’s not a woman on earth who would stay in that environment while their boyfriend is obsessively hitting up an ex.
Sean: Of years ago.
Dick: Of years ago. No fucking way. And, by the way, that means Maddox is a cuck, and that would prove Asterios right. That would prove Asterios’s defense, the comedian who’s also getting sued, that he is literally a cuck, and that it’s not defamation. So, if that exists…
Harmful Opinions: Dude, watch out though. Now you’re going to get Maddox saying you’ve put a bounty out to fuck his girlfriend.
Dick: No, no. Already happened. It has to have already happened. It has to have already happened. I need fucking proof. Or her herself. Or M3ntal J3ss could come forward. If she’s dumping Maddox… How do you be with a man who’s doing these types of things to people? You can’t suck that guy’s dick, you know? You can’t want to be with this guy. If she wants to come forward and admit it, with proof that she did it, I will give her the fucking money. I will give her the fucking money as well. $2,500. That’s my offer. That’s 2 months rent in LA. That’s what I’ll give to anybody who has proof that this happened, and I’ve never been more sure of anything in my fucking life. Sorry to go off on a tangent.
Harmful Opinions: It’s alright man. I can imagine you’ve got a lot of anger caged. I’d be raging 24/7.
Sean: I wouldn’t say caged.
Dick: Yeah. A lot less caged than you’d think. It’s like the beginning of Jurassic Park where he’s bucking against that fucking thing. What makes you a rage?
Harmful Opinions: I’ve just been thinking, what if Maddox only got so upset because he wants to be cucked, and he’s annoyed that you didn’t fuck her when he was with her. He saw his fantasy slip through his fingers.
Sean: This is the autism, because I would have never come up with that in a million years.
Dick: No, but it’s making me think. There’s a lot of weird sexual comments that people have made about Maddox since the lawsuit came out. Like the fact that – remember that episode when he brought in non-offending pedophiles, and he was talking up how important it was to let pedophiles breathe freely as long as they don’t offend? I was like, are you nuts? This is a – this is the weirdest conversation ever. And he cut all the jokes I made about it. And then he’s got – Clegg is still a moderator in his chats, who people tell me he’s admitted to being attracted to… Uncomfortable attraction – they call them hebephiles or something loke that.
Sean: Yeah, the teenager – right. Legally a minor, but post-puberty.
Harmful Opinions: Technically I’m not a pedophile, guys.
Dick: Yes! Technically I’m not a… Yeah, me too, but I’m also not. That, and then when Maddox brought in how – he was always talking about how “what is sex? It’s basically a hug.” People are coming up with…
Sean: That’s a fucking creepy ass statement.
Dick: You’ve never heard that one?
Sean: It seems new to me right now. What a weird statement.
Dick: Yeah. That’s a statement he makes frequently. You know, what’s sex? It’s just like basically a hug. It’s just physical contact.
Sean: It’s like the worst episode of Sesame Street ever.
Dick: Hehehe. Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re right, harmful. Maybe he does like it in a sick way, so he’s extra mad.
Harmful Opinions: He did a video defending cuckoldry, didn’t he?
Dick: He did. He explained to the entire internet that we shouldn’t be laughing because it’s just a sexual fetish, and that we don’t know what we’re talking about.
Harmful Opinions: I’m happy to defend cuckoldry, but I’ll go down a different path. When you have guys getting cucked, that means that there’s a bunch of chicks you can knock up and have someone else pay for.
Sean: Yeah. He’s talking about real cuckoldry.
Dick: Yeah. That’s great.
Harmful Opinions: That means there’s a pool of women where, if you have them as a booty call or something and the condom breaks, you don’t have to worry because the cuck’s going to pay for it.
Dick: Yeah. So it’s great for the cucker.
Dick: What’s good for the cucker – what’s good for the cuck is good for the cucker. What’s good for the coose is – I dunno. Alright man, what makes you a rage?
Harmful Opinions: Fucking Twitch guidelines. I guess I went in with that right at the start. The impending doom of the internet. Fuck, I think I did this last time. But this whole – okay, let’s be more specific. Making it so that people who just do things and are just watched by the people. So I just play fucking video games on the internet. People watch, we have a chat, but all the companies try to turn you into a leader or a role model. Twitch in particular literally says you are a leader and role model for your community, and makes you responsible as if your viewers are children, and you’re kindergarten. This shift of responsibility to people who are expressing themselves for the people who watch them. This isn’t exactly new. We’ve had it with people saying video games cause shootings and that sort of thing. It’s along those lines. But now anyone can be a target of this bullshit. Where, just because you popped online and said some things without spreading fake news or anything like that, you’re responsible for how it influences other people’s personalities or something. If someone watches you and then does something else, you can take responsibility, and now that’s become part of the rules in all the places you can talk to the public like Twitter or YouTube or Twitch.
Sean: It makes it easier for those kind of people to place responsibility in the hands of fewer people. You can wipe out whole swaths of people by banning one, essentially.
Dick: I don‘t even know why – I don’t even know what the point of it is. I don’t know why everybody’s so gung-ho with getting people shut down.
Harmful Opinions: It’s so incredibly stupid as well, because one of the things that lets these websites function is that they can say, “Oh, we don’t have the resources to police everything that goes up. But as soon as we hear about something terrible happening, we can deal with it.” Now, they’re bringing in tighter and tighter rules, and bringing better and better tools and all the AI stuff. Guess what, they can check everything now, and it’s gonna become a service no one wants to use eventually. They’re shooting themselves in the foot. They should just hold back and say, “we can’t actually pull any of this off.” It’s impossible. It’s gonna be shit.
Dick: And every time they do it, every time they get involved – a company gets involved or a university gets involved in figuring out – like an actual crime happened. Like, oh, someone was assaulted. Someone was sexually assaulted. They get in and they follow their procedure for determining guilt and they get it wrong extraordinarily often. I mean, you guys just fucking – none of you know what you’re doing in this regard. Twitch isn’t going out and building cars, so why are they making courts? You guys don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Just stick to what you’re doing for god sakes.
Harmful Opinions: It’s not like they’re not making money, right? Fuck, here’s another thing that annoys me. The people who are like, “oh, just let it happen and make your own, then they can do what they want.” Yeah, but it’s a bad choice. How about encouraging them to keep doing the thing that works,. And someone else makes their own whatever they want with their own shitty fucking rules. We’ll see how that goes, and then maybe they can try it.
Dick: but you can’t make your own. Gab made their own, and then Apple and Google kicked them off the App store, so they’re effectively dead.
Harmful Opinions: And they got cucked by the domain registrar or something.
Dick: Yeah! All the big companies who exist because the government controls the phone lines. Like, that’s not a private company.
Sean: There’s no competition. It’s insane. Competition just gets crushed by the boot heel of the big guys immediately. There’s no free market. It doesn’t exist.
Dick: No! None of it exists. We’re living in the corporatocracy already, and it’s terrifying to me. Alright man…
Harmful Opinions: This sense of fucking digital dread. You can’t even properly rage against it. You can’t – because what do you do? How do you go against it? The second you try to do something really spicy against it, suddenly you don’t have a voice anymore.
Dick: And I miss your videos. I fucking love the Harmful Opinions videos. There was a sense of bravado to them. And confidence. And like the detailed breakdown of how people were fucked. It was so satisfying.
Harmful Opinions: I was gonna do one now and then even though I switched mostly to streaming, but they fucking banned me. I got some accounts on there leftover, but technically I’m evading a ban, so I’ve go the thought in the back of my mind. “Hey. Any time, if I ever get any attention from the wrong person, I can be wiped off.” Because, technically, I’m breaking the rules by still being there.
Dick: Yeah. I dunno what it’s gonna take to stop it. Didn’t we have a revolution over this shit once already? To get it in the first place?
Harmful Opinions: Unfortunately, you can’t shoot people over the internet.
Dick: You know what, you don’t need to shoot anymore. That’s not the fifth-generational war. It’s gonna be all tech, it’s gonna be all memes. As stupid as it is to make fun of the meme farmers on 4chan, the thoughts – the ability to craft thoughts in an independent and autonomous way that operate like a virus to the human mind is more powerful than any weapon that you can build at Home Depot.
Harmful Opinions: The scary thing though is the AI moderation system that they’ve got. They’ve even thought ahead. There’s even… Man, I can’t remember which university, but there’s some university where they have a project to train an AI to figure out when people are using new code languages. Coded language and stuff, and then moderate that. I think it’s going to come down to counter-AI.
Dick: That’s the war. AIs vs AIs. We’re gonna see whose AI wins. The 4chan one, or the Google one. I’m always betting on the spammers. You give me 8 engineers and 80,000 spammers, spammers are gonna fucking win. Every time. Their AI might look like a trash can with tank treads, but you can never stop them. You can never fucking stop them.
Harmful Opinions: They’re going to make an AI that helps you tweak your posts so that when people read enough of your posts, eventually you just straight up get autism, and everything will be solved.
Dick: Alright man, have a good one. Go back to arguing with waitresses. Thank you. Thank you. It gets a little heavy, but it’s frustrating to us.
Sean: Yeah. Maybe that’s not the most entertaining type of stuff that happens on this show, but I can’t see how it’s ever bad to bring it up again. Sometimes you just want to avoid it and check out. But this shit is real shit. On one side of me, I go “It’s so stupid.” And then I can never forget that it does matter, because the virtual and the mead world, as you say, are completely intertwined at this point. There’s no line. It’s completely blurred.
Dick: Kids are growing up – little boys are going to grow up thinking that they are inherently against the terms of service of life. That’s the reality of what we’ve done here. I looked up some stuff about corporatocracy. I’m interested in it now. Mussolini was big on it. The pairing of a fascist government with a corporate state, like with corporate entities, where the fascism is enacted through corporations. It sounds like dumb and fantastical. It’s also the natural evolution of companies that just have too much fucking money. Why lobby when you can just do what you want yourself, because you control everybody’s email. Y
Sean: Yeah. Well, that’s true. Now you don’t even have to write the bills and get them pushed.
Dick: Just do it. Do it yourself. Just filter out some words that people use that you don’t like. Alright, somebody sent in a toilet fan. You remember how I was complaining about quiet toilet fans in Portland? This dude sent in lowercase… r-b-g-l-d… Uh… Dick, feel the shit silencing and baby waking power of this man’s toilet fan.
Sean: Should probably turn this down, huh?
Dick: Yeah, maybe. Here you go.
(Dick starts the fan)
Dick: Well, maybe turn it up, I guess. I guess it’s hard to tell when we control the volume how loud it is, actually.
(Dick stops the fan)
Sean: I mean, it doesn’t seem that loud in relation to the light switch.
Dick: Right. It sounds loud when I play it on my computer.
Sean: Does it?
Sean: Alright, well… Get a loud fan.
Dick: I got some comments here. Ryan Rendon: “I’ve got a problem with recipe websites. The authors try to squeeze out their memoirs into these pages when all I need is a recipe for salsa. I’m not reading the whole page and they know it. I scroll until I see an ingredients list and start from there.” Yeah, it’s because they’re writing it for fucking search engines. They always put this fucking preamble in. Google ruined the goddamn internet. It may be a weak sounding rage, but wait until you need a recipe for something you’re suddenly craving, and all you fine are stories about Tim and Jenny dating in New York City, or how Jenny’s kids just love these cake pops after a long day at school, or her kids get straight A’s and have never been spanked in their lives because they’re so perfect. It’s true… Just give me the recipe, bitch. MyroomRecords says: “Shitty pencil erasers. When you try and erase what you wrote, and all it does is smudge the lead all over the page.” Ah man, that’s true. You get those erasers that are hard as a rock. You know it’s gonna be – It’s basically like using a pen at this point.
Sean: It’s the leading cause of school shootings. Little known fact.
Dick: I got a funny one for you. I got a funny school shooting story for you. We were talking about school shootings last week. So, 80’s girl’s a teacher, and they do these shooting drills. Schools are doing this now. Shooting drills. Why don’t they do drills for teachers winning the lottery? Right? This is what happens if Mr. Johnson won the lottery and doesn’t show up. So they have somebody run around the school, forcing their way into classrooms, pointing at kids and saying “freeze!” Because they’re shooting them. This is someone’s idea of a thing to do. Just traumatize all the kids at once so you can get it over with.
Sean: Using the verbiage of a playground game. Freeze!
Dick: Yeah! Genius. Genius, right? Stick to what you got hired for, you fucking idiot. So they go door to door, kicking in doors. Like, they’ve got teachers on the other side, pretending to barricade doors for a fake school shooter who’s running around. They go through this farcical exercise. Afterwards, one of the kids the next day goes to 80’s girl, “Oh hey, so,” They’re 10 years old. “Oh, so, like if we do have an intruder, everyone’s supposed to freeze, right?” No. And all the other kids are nodding, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? If somebody comes in with a gun, everybody’s just supposed to freeze. No. No. Stop trying to help! [Dejontay]: “People who at work ask what you’re eating for lunch.”
Sean: Just to see if they can imagine if it’s better than what they have.
Dick: I dunno, what you got there? Let me touch it.
Sean: That sure sounds good, I wish I had that.
Dick: Let me taste it. Let me touch it. Fuck off. Go do your own thing. [Chronos Poo] says, “Where’d all my shelf space go? I thought I had a house, but it turns out that I only have 3 feet of shelf space to store my shit .Everything else gets gobbled up by my wifer and kid. My wife has 18 different types of shampoo and a billion tubes of styling shit to put in her hair.” Well, don’t brush your teeth with that.
Sean: No, I know. I bet he’s brushed his teeth with something he shouldn’t have.
Dick: ”I have 1 inch of the cheapest shampoo and soap known to man, and I can never find it because it gets crammed behind all the other shit.” You know how I was talking about women hiding your shit? This is a good one. I’ve got a list of hidden things from Facebook and Twitter. Pizza Wolf says, “All the time I have very specific places where all of my kitchen tools go, and when a woman straightens up, it’s a game of clue crossed with mist to solve all of the impossible puzzles so I can cook.” [Guac Pen,] “Ex cleaned up my tool pile years back. My fancy DeWalt impact driver has been MIA ever since.” We lost an impact driver. Gone, but not forgotten. Bonitus says, “my boyfriend’s sister cleaned up our place while we were out, and I couldn’t find my gundam models anywhere.” Bitch lost his gundam models. You know what gundam models are? Like these big statues. How do you put away a gundam model? [Nahatchet Mahotree,] “I keep a hatchet near my bed because the british didn’t want us to bare firearms following an armed uprising, which we royally botched up. A problem that was compounded further by letting affirmative action person draft out constitution, whick…” Okay… “My girlfriend moved in and rearranged my shit. It took me 3 months to find the hatchet.” They’re gonna really hide that one deep. A hatchet, bullets, guns. Stuff that resembles your penis – is an extension of oyur penis in any way. They’re really gonna pack that one away. [Leah Wysol] says, “I put my man’s passport in a safe place when we moved. He was going away and needed it, and I had no idea where my safe place was. Turns out I put it inside a tampon box inside of a garbage bag. Why did I do that?” Okay everybody. Oh, Larry’s here!
Sean: Is that him trying to Skype?
Dick: I dunno, maybe. Hey Larry, what’s going on? What are you doing?
Larry: Hello. Can you hear me?
Dick: Yeah. What’s up?
Larry: Thank god for MadCucks. How you doing Dick? How are you Sean?
Sean: Hey Larry, how are you doing?
Dick: What’s going on? What have you got for us? Hey, did you ever figure out if that chip was poop, or what?
Larry: I’ve been holding that advance for a big reveal. We’ll crack open that bag.
Dick: Alright. Come on in and crack it open one of these days.
Larry: I’d love to. I’ll need somebody there to verify its authenticity.
Dick: Yeah. Alright, what have you got?
Larry: God, I’m so fucking furious. My last episode, I just verbally slapped the shit out of that pussified sheriff down in Florida, and I made kind of a condensed version of it on YouTube. And the fucking thing isn’t posted for minutes, and suddenly I get “we’ve age restricted your video.” What the fuck? This can’t be. So, the thing had no obscenity, no violence, no so-called community guidelines were violated. I’m surfing like Chris Rock, Bill Burr, Amy Schumer, they get millions of views, all of their collective motherfuckers could fill a stadium, and anybody can watch their shit., There’s no age restriction on that whatsoever. And then I look even further. I can find without age restriction, there’s videos about horses getting their fucking heads blown off, of guys beating themselves…
Sean: Those are filmed by me. Sorry, I did that.
Larry: To unconsciousness in gas station parking lots that have 14-15 million views. And I fucking had a belly full, because clearly they just didn’t like what I was saying. Complete bullshit. Their guidelines are selectively enforced. And now we’re finding out it’s not just you, it’s not just Nick Rekieta, it’s not just Alex Jones, even [Naomi] fucking Wolf had her shit put behind the age curtain, and she’s to the left of Kim Jong Un. So, I have an idea, and I am seeking the participation and help of the mighty, might dickheads around the globe.
Sean: Here comes a lawsuit.
Larry: My idea is this: It’s all PC bullshit. I don’t care whether it’s Facebook, or Twitter, or YouTube, that’s all it is. So what would happen – and I don want my name linked with this. Think these three initials: LFD. Larry’s Flag Day, right? So what is all this bullshit about? Everybody’s flagging everything, right? So what would happen if all the mighty dickheads around the globe got together, and others – everybody say, on some Tuesday between 10 o’ clock and noon.
Dick: Well when’s flag day?
Larry: Flag every fucking thing. Everything. Every post, every Tweet, every video. Everything’s offensive to me, flag, flag, flag until your fucking finger bleeds.
Dick: When is flag day? The real one?
Larry: June 14. But what I’m wondering is some sneaky guys, from 4chan geniuses or something, we should pick another day and just fucking coordinate this flag day, and fuck up their shit that way.
Dick: Well, who are you going to flag?
Larry: Everything! Everything you fucking see on those 3 platforms on one particular day. What would happen to them? Would it blow up their servers? Certainly all their fucking… Thought Nazis on these… Southern… What the fuck is it, Southern Poverty Law Center? The ones doing it on YouTube now. They’d be overwhelmed.
Dick: Yeah, they would be a good candidate, because they’re fucking assholes. They fuck with everybody all the time. Are they the ones that said Pepe the frog was a racist hate meme or something like that? I don’t know about false flagging. It might be a violation of something, so I’m worried about it.
Larry: Oh really?
Dick: Well I am, yeah Larry, I’m getting sued for calling someone a cuck, and this sounds like fun.
Larry: So basically, what you’re telling me is everything is a violation of their terms of service?
Dick: Well, yeah. Anything is – anything too fun is a violation of the terms of service.
Larry: We have the right to be offended at everything. That’s really what’s gone wrong with the fucking planet. Everybody’s offended 24/7.
Dick: If you are offended by it – if you are offended by the things that the Southern Poverty Law Center is doing, then yeah. If you actually are, that’s a valid use of their tools. Yes, of course. Maybe flag day is the day to go out looking for offensive material, you know?
Larry: But look at the way they even do it. You get the notifications, right? What are they – there’s a lot to be learned from their wording. What are they saying? You violated out community guidelines, and then they tell you that you have the right to appeal. Wait a minute, this isn’t a court of law. It’s a corporation, I don’t have to appeal shit to you. And then, of course, there’s never a name attached, it’s “the team.” It’s incredibly fucking Orwellian.
Sean: It’s not like they’re gonna change your decision. In very rare cases.
Dick: I spent all morning yesterday yelling at this woman on eBay customer service, because they like – I was trying to sell a goddamn iPhone, and the weirdo who bought it disputed it because he said the screen was – it’s an iPhone 5. He said the screen was at 90% of something, not 100%.
Sean: As far as how pristine it is or something?
Dick: Yeah. Like a 90% light factor or something. Like, there’s a tool to see how much white it was, and he said it was 90 instead of 100. So he sent it to me asking for a return, and I said, “get fucked.” It’s an iPhone 5. It’s 5 years old. What are you talking about 90%? So, I got shit to do. I was at Road Rage: Portland when this was happening. eBay decided to give him the return. Like, he said, “No, I really want it,” and eBay stepped in and said, “Yeah, that’s a return.” What the hell are you talking about? That’s a return? Where do you guys fit into this besides taking a cut of what I fucking do? Get the hell out of here, no! “Well, uh. We’ve issued a refund, and when it gets in the mail, we’ll release their money, and you’ll get your thing back.” So I said okay. And then I got another email saying, “Never mind. We’ve just released the money.” What are you talking about? I don’t have my thing back. Sean, I spent probably an hour on the phone just laying into the customer service lady. I’ve layed into so many customer service people, because they can all just fix it and make it go away. They just choose not to. Like, depending on how badly – depending on how much they identify the company they work for as their family, which is sometimes a tremendous amount, and sometimes not very much at all. Like, I’ll get shit I’m not entitled to, and then get rejected for shit I am entitled to just based on the person.
Sean: Yeah. I think a lot of that’s fear-driven too. Not even necessarily the family thing, it’s how much of a rule follower they are. How much they’re afraid to lose their job.
Dick: And they seem to go above and beyond sometimes in inventing their own rules. Like that bartender who went to fuck with Harmful Opinions, inventing her own interpretation of the laws that she wants you to follow. Still, through the whole thing, all I wanted from eBay was for them to print me a shipping label that I paid for! And I couldn’t get them to do that because the rules said it was closed. Like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, lady!
Larry: You were able to connect to a breathing person.
Sean: It’s very difficult.
Dick: It was useless! I would rather get absolutely nothing. I would rather just get a box that said, “fuck you, we’re not doing it.” Instead of having some glad-handing bitch pretend that she’s – with the cheery, chipper voice, pretending that she’s solving my problems, when she’s not gonna do a goddamn thing. AND THEN THEY SIT THERE ON THE PHONE WITH YOU, “Is there anything else I could help with?” WHAT DO YOU MEAN ELSE? YOU DIDN’T DO SHIT! JUST SIT THERE IN FUCKING SILENCE, I’M GONNA LEAVE MY PHONE ON SPEAKER ALL DAY, AND YOU CAN GO AROUND WITH ME – I’M SITTING YOU IN TIME OUT, YOU FUCKING BITCH! You just have to follow me along, listening at work in silence. That’s your punishment for what you’ve chosen to do.
Sean: And somehow, they’re still winning in that scenario. Yeah, because they got paid for it.
Dick: Oh god, it drove me insane. It drove me so insane that I made it a goal to waste as much time as possible. Joke’s on me, ultimately. I never got it. I never got it. I never got it. Anyway.
Larry: You’ve essentially been ripped off if I understand correctly.
Dick: Yeah. I dunno if I’ll ever see it again. But, you know, everyone assures me that it was not their fault. Everybody involved.
Larry: ”I’m real sorry this happened. It’s always, “I’m sorry to hear that, how else can I help you?” Fuck yourself! That’s how you can help me.
Dick: Yeah, you really can. And as I was yelling at the woman, I had the impression that she had never been yelled at like that before, and it made me sad, because I think that her life – her decisions would be different if she had gotten this treatment frequently. Like, that’s my feeling about customer service, is that everybody should lay into customer service people as hard as possible, because their job is to keep you from getting what you want, or what you’re owed.
Sean: Yeah, you have to look at them as an impediment set up by the company. So they’re running interference.
Dick: And they’ve taken this job. As soon as they sign up to be customer service, they lose their humanity.
Sean: You’re helping them out by – because the humans who accidentally end up in there need to figure out that they’re better people than that, and they need to get the fuck out of there.
Dick: If they can feel the things that they are feeling. It’s like when you go to the army. You give up certain rights when you get in the army. Yu give up the right to trials that normal civilians take. That’s what it is when you get into customer service. You’re absolving your right of being treated like a person. \
Sean: Weed them out. No, you have – I’ve said exactly as much to people who are like, “I’m gonna call customer service now.” They’re not human beings. Don’t treat them like that. These are subhuman people.
Dick: alright Larry, Larry’s Flag day, huh? You gonna go around?...
Sean: You gotta do it on real flag day, because that’s how we got… That’s how we got Christmas. You’ve gotta do it on a former …
Dick: You have to really do it on flag day. Tell Crowder. Get Crowder involved. That sounds like something he’d want to do.
Larry: Does anybody have a linage? Because, like I said, I can’t do this alone. I mentioned this in my last show, and I got a lot of people saying that’s a fucking great idea.
Dick: It is a great idea.
Larry: I gotta have some confederates to make this happen.
Dick: Alright. Don’t call them confederates. That’s step one. That’s a racist dog whistle if I’ve ever heard it. Alright, well let’s see, we’ve got a long time to prepare for Larry’s Flag Day.
Larry: It’s a long time, but it’ll be a lot of fun to see what will happen.
Sean: It’s funny how words take on. They mean something else, but then…
Larry: Exactly! That word is not necessarily pegged to the American Civil War for Christ sake.
Dick: You can’t say pegged, because now you’re thinking of chicks doing you up the ass with a strap on.
Sean: Like the word ghetto. Ghetto’s not black.
Dick: I don’t think it’s black.
Sean: Jewish is the origin of the word.
Sean: Do, but if you say that’s ghetto, it’s like…
Dick: You’re saying it’s Jewish?
Sean: no, it’s just people don’t know where words come from.
Sean: The word existed and meant something before whatever the popular usage at the time changed it into.
Dick: Alright Larry, see you.
Larry: Alright man, good talking to you. Take care.
Dick: We need some of those words back.
Sean: This is from a free speech absolutiinist. [sic]
Dick: Alright. Hey, CJ, you there?
Figbat DiggerNick: I’m here, just to confirm. Just to confirm, ghetto definitely isn’t black, it is Jewish.
Dick: Yeah. Now it’s like a branding war. Oh no, ghetto’s not ours! It definitely belongs to the Jews.
Sean: It’s just that people will say, “Oh, that’s racist.” And they don’t know why it’s – if somebody refers to something as ghetto, or as…
Dick: Yeah, I say it all the time.
Dick: I didn’t know I was anti-Semitic too. I thought I was just racist.
Sean: Well… No… You can branch out.
Dick: Yeah. I guess you can learn things later in life after all. So CJ, so… CJ’s got this group on Facebook. He’s got all of his profiles named “Figbat DiggerNick.”
Figbat DiggerNick: Holy shit, he said it! He said it! Oh man, do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that?
Dick: Yeah. I hate saying it and I hate seeing it, because every time I fucking see it, my brain mixes it up to what it is, and every time I see you, I’m so happy to see you commenting. But then I’m like, “Goddamn it, it’s Figbat…” And then – it’s irresistible to try to say it! Like, Sean! Everything in your mind is – you are wanting to say that right now, I know it! I know that everybody listening wants to say it. Figbat DiggerNick! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! Like, every time, I feel like – I get that feeling like you’re walking up to the edge of a cliff to show off, like, “Hey everybody, check this out. I’m getting very close to the edge of this mountain.” Figbat DiggerNick! (Dick laughs like a schoolgirl) Give it a shot!
Figbat DiggerNick: (crosstalk) come back when you shout (crosstalk)
Sean: No, my speech is not working this episode.
Dick: Figbat DiggerNick!
Sean: Not gonna attempt it.
Dick: It took me – I had to read it…
Figbat DiggerNick: Sean, Sean, Sean! You get a free pass.
Sean: Oh yeah, I get a free pass.
Dick: CJ’s black he can give you that free pass.
Sean: He’s not black, is he?
Figbat DiggerNick: Yes he is!
Dick: Yeah, he’s very black!
Sean: … No.
Dick: Yes he is! What do you mean no?!
Figbat DiggerNick: I’m the guy who’s literally just eyes and a smile from the UK meetup.
Dick: Yeah, he goes to the dickhead UK meetups. If you say there’s a face here, Google says no. No face there.
Sean: Figbat DiggerNick? Is that?...
Dick: Yeah, you got it. Good job.
Figbat DiggerNick: Sweet. Congratulations.
Sean: Just gotta chop it up and – hehehe!
Dick: every time I see it, I’m like, “you motherfucker.” Any man – anyway man, what makes you a rage? I know you told me earlier but tell us what makes you a rage.
Figbat DiggerNick: I’m gonna have to tell you of my week of woe. What makes me a rage: Kidney stones.
Sean: Oh shit.
Figbat DiggerNick: Sometime around this time last week, I had a little bit of a stomach ache. Nothing special. I eat massive amounts of breakfast. I know it’s a scam, but I try my best to prove that it wasn’t a scam. Breakfast can be delicious.
Sean: I’m not saying it’s not good.
Dick: No, it’s delicious. It’s just, you know, it can kill you.
Figbat DiggerNick: There are some downsides unfortunately to eating huge amounts of breakfast, and I took one for the team. I woke up one day, and I felt like Julius Caesar walking into the senate. Except it happened every 20 minutes.
Dick: Getting stabbed in the back. (The unintentional echo adds dramatic effect.)
Figbat DiggerNick: Yes! I couldn’t even move! (unintelligible)… to be fair. Although it’s out of my control. It’s terrible. I got carted up to the hospital. The last time I’ve been to the hospital was 10 years ago for dog bites. Landau wasn’t involved. It was kind of standard. Your standard visit to the A&E. A go in. And I’ve never been to the A&E properly for ages. I walk in, they give me the checks…
Dick: Now you know he’s black because a dog bit him.
(Sean laughs louder than I’ve ever heard him laugh)
Sean: Were you delivering mail?
Figbat DiggerNick: No, I wasn’t delivering mail.
Dick: Wait a minute, can you say some lines from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels? This is the ducking accent from that movie, right? Des-uht Eagle. If you saah my gun, it’s a des-ugt eagle.
Sean: That’s Snatch.
Dick: Oh, that’s Snatch. Hey, do some Snatch lines.
Figbat DiggerNick: So if you look at the size of my gun, I’m a bit more of a yam-yam more than anything else. I’m fully enough, right? I’m from like the center of England, so I’m from what we call the black country. Not the country you’re thinking of. You know, the black country is the area you’re thinking of.
Sean: The continent?
Dick: Alright, so you end up at the hospital with a stabbing pain. Dude, kidney stones are fucking no joke.
Sean: They’re supposed to be one of the worst things. I don’t ever want one.
Figbat DiggerNick: You can’t walk. You can’t do anything. You can’t even lie down. Everyone’s like, “sit down man, you’ll be fine.” You can’t even sleep, you can’t lie down, it’s that bad. You have to sit up like you’re in a hospital.
Dick: My mom had one. We were on vacation and my mom got one. Like, her back just started killing her. No explanation why. You don’t know that a kidney stone means that your spine is getting broken in half, right?
Figbat DiggerNick: It’s horrible. It’s absolutely horrible. Wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy. I wouldn’t even with it upon my ducks.
Sean: How about the dog that bit you?
Figbat DiggerNick: It got put the fuck down, so I’m happy to be fair enough. I’m usually against putting dogs down, but that motherfucker had to go.
Sean: Yeah, some of them do.
Dick: We waited in that hospital for her to get -= like, for my mom to get morphine or whatever pain – like, probably 40 minutes while these fucking nurses and doctors were just like chatting on the phone, hanging out. It was so goddamn frustrating, because you walk up, and you try to explain – I’ve been through HS in England, and I found it to be one of the most – I found it to be a cross between a DMV and a CVS.
Figbat DiggerNick: Yes! Absolutely! It’s literally the DMV.
Dick: Yeah! It was fucking terrible! I thought I would walk into a socialist wonderland. I was waiting in a multi-cultural oblivion, like a limbo, for hours! With no order or anything at all! You don’t even pull a number to get server, you just go sit! It was like in Beetlejuice where you’re sitting there with all these fucking monsters who – they all look fine, and you’re in miserable pain, and they’re like, “Well, we’ll get to you when we get to you.”
Sean: At least they had numbers.
Dick: At least they had fucking numbers. God, it was a fucking nightmare. You’re sitting in the DMV with a kidney stone to wait to get it in there.
Figbat DiggerNick: Well, my visit went – this is how my visit went: So, I went there at like 9 in the morning. Went straight in. Walk in, sit in there. Now, they give you a ticket, you wait, and they say, “We’ll give you a call when we’re ready.” They pull you into a room, they ask you some questions, and they’re literally just pushing you through the system. You’re literally getting processed like you’re going into jail. They asked me some questions, I showed them what was wrong. Instantly, they questioned my manhood straight away. “Yo, get this big-ass bullet pill, and stick it up your ass.”
Dick: Wait, what?! They gave you a suppository immediately?
Figbat DiggerNick: They said this sounds very serious, and immediately gave me a suppository.
Dick: Sean! This is socialized medicine! This is socialized medicine! They say it’s so great, but as soon as you come in, you take this up your ass!
Sean: What was it for?
Figbat DiggerNick: It was for the pain. And react to question myself, like, holy shit. I am not in a situation where I’m asking myself like…
Dick: How much does it hurt?
Sean: It wasn’t even medicine. They just wanted your ass to hurt worse than your back.
Dick: You need to get a name and a badge number. Bitch, I fucking know that drugs come in a swallowable form of every variety. Take your ass pills out – fucking you do them! Take them home and do whatever…
Figbat DiggerNick: They came prepared for me. They gave me the big sassy black nurse.
Sean: Oh boy.
Figbat DiggerNick: Straight out of Scrubs. She’s like, “Take this, and put it up your bum.” What? And she was like, “You heard me. Go over there into the lady’s” The lady’s? “Yeah, the men’s are out of order. Go in there, and stick these up your bum.”
Sean: … crap out pinecones.
Figbat DiggerNick: So, I went into the bathroom, and asked myself the question, “If the pain is so great, and the only way you can end the pain is to rape yourself…” I took the decision and I stuck it up there. And then they said, “Okay, now fill this vial up. I was pissing complete blood, so they ran me off to have a fancy scan.
Dick: Why would they shove it up your ass though?
Sean: To weed you out.
Dick: To see if you’re serious! Did you ask them if you could just swallow the pill? Say that again?
Figbat DiggerNick: I did ask if I could swallow it – I did ask the nurse if I could swallow it, and she was like, “Nope, don’t swallow this. You’ve gotta stick it up there, and you gotta give us a pee sample while you’re doing it.” The pee sample’s full of blood, so they rush me into the hospital, and I had no idea what was going on at this point. They were rushing me through like – they were running me through like it was ER. I sit in a scanning room for an hour and a half, on a freakin’ – because the painkillers kicked in, and I was reduced to a wheelchair. So, I’m sitting in a wheelchair like…
Dick: Did the wheelchair have a big dildo on it that you had to sit on?
Figbat DiggerNick: It didn’t even have a big dildo. The painkillers…
Dick: What?! Who does this?
Sean: I bet this motherfucker can walk. Let’s see.
(Even more crosstalk)
Figbat DiggerNick: … Lebron James trying to destroy my career by putting me in the hospital or something like that. It was horrible.
Dick: Could you imagine how pissed off you would be if you go into the hospital with a pain in your back, and they’re like, “Here. Stick this up your ass.”
Figbat DiggerNick: Well, it gets even worse.
Dick: I’m gonna stick you up my ass next!
Figbat DiggerNick: Wow. So, basically, I sit down, I go into the lounge. So I get my scans. After I get my scans, very soon afterwards, I’m still sitting in the lounge. I’m on my own in the lounge, and then this doctor’s running around like all crazy like headless chickens trying to get stuff sorted, getting to a ward and everything. If other people were there, I would understand. It could be for someone else, but I knew they were talking about me. So now I’m shitting myself and they rush me off to a ward in a big haste. They take all my blood, sit me down, say, “You might have to stay here for a week.” And I’m like what? What’s wrong with me? And he says, “Well, you haven’t got pancreatic cancer, which we were worried about.” And I was like, okay. “But you have quite a few kidney stones that we’re very worried about.” I was like, “What does that mean?” And he goes, “Well, first of all, we’re very short on beds, so we’re going to send you home.”
Sean: We ran out of dildos to weed out those people who wanted to lay down, so now we don’t know who’s telling the truth.
Figbat DiggerNick: So they send me home with ridiculous painkillers, and they keep phoning me to say, “Have they passed yet? Have they passed yet? If the pain increases, come straight to the ER.” What? So you can put me through that horrible process again?
Dick: So you can shove more shit up my ass?
Sean: Has your dick split in two yet? From pissing out a throwing star?
Figbat DiggerNick: … is the name of my life now. It’s blood diamond. I’ve had to take time off shitposting duties for pissing these rocks. Sometimes they’re small, sometimes they’re ground up. Every now and then, you just get a fucking big one that gets trapped halfway down the tube. And when it gets trapped down the tube, what does your body do when it senses pain? It tenses up.
Dick: I’m reminded of the Willy Wonka – Remember how they told you that rifle works? With Augustus Gloop? You gotta picture Augustus Gloop going down the hole of your dick.
Figbat DiggerNick: And then it just punches out, and it just cuts all the way through, and it’s horrible when you get a big one.
Dick: Have you weighed them?
Figbat DiggerNick: Man, every time they come out, it’s essentially like putting sand into the toilet. Like, I don’t want to reach around in piss. If it was in a urinal, I could get some toilet paper and pick it out or something.
Dick: Oh, I see, okay.
Figbat DiggerNick: I’ve even dropped stones at work as well, and I scared everybody in the staff rooms. Everybody’s eating their lunch asking about who’s got their lunch. All they hear is screaming from the bathroom.
Sean: When they’re that severe, don’t they go in and break them up or take them – I mean, sometimes they do it surgically, don’t they?
Dick: They can do an ultrasound on them too. Unless they’re gooey.
Sean: I mean, probably not at the NHS.
Dick: What? What’d you say?
Figbat DiggerNick: They didn’t want me having that. I don’t think they want me having that. They’re just like, “We could operate, but we’re gonna send you home.” What?!
Dick: You know, the worst part about it is that doctors and nurses, and the whole – it’s like the entire health professional system doesn’t understand that illegal drugs exist. Like, if you’re in pain and you walk in there, they’re like, “oh, well, you know. Our drugs are very powerful. We can’t just give them out to whoever.” I’m like, “BITCH! I CAN TEXT SOMEONE AND GET DRUGS THAT YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE! GIVE ME WHAT YOU FUCKING HAVE! Give it to me right the fuck now!” Every doctor and nurse that throws any kind of objection – like, when you go to the hospital – if you end up in the hospital, that should be drug Disney Land, man. It should be like Willy Wonka’s fucking chocolate factory! Welcome to the hospital! Here’s some Oxi’s, here’s some Vicodins, here’s several different sizes of Vicodins, because how often to you go to the fucking hospital? And if you have a drug seeking addiction, fuck it! Who cares?! Load ‘em up, and send them on their way, because every fucking day these guys are on the street drinking down gallons of pain killer! And you guys have the safer one, and you’re gonna fuck me over what? Charge it to the - put it on my fucking tab! All these Vicodins, give me a bottle of them! Give me a fucking bottle! Vicodins have a built in mechanism to control their consumption called massive… Massive… Massive constipation! I will shit a football if I eat too many Vicodins! Give ‘em to me! Leave the bottle, and fuck off like the bartender of drugs that you are! Don’t come in here every 30 minutes all night pretending like you’re looking after me, because you motherfuckers invented pain curing pills! Fucking give ‘em to me! Give ‘em to me! Access to drugs is not going to makem people a drug addict! Fucked up childhoods do! So bring me the goddamn drugs!
Sean: Hold on. We’ll give them to you, but first shove this thing up your ass.
Figbat DiggerNick: It’s a bit like a Hollywood career. It all starts with rape. Then things got even worse. Then I got Sherman Klump Syndrome 3 days later.
Dick: What’s that?
Dick: Like the nutty professor?
Figbat DiggerNick: That’s when your face randomly just looks like the nutty professor. You know how when he turns around, his lips are massive?
Figbat DiggerNick: Yeah. I have the magical ability to turn into a 1930’s caricature of black people. I turn into Tom’s mom from Tom and Jerry. The other night I just wake up, I’m like, “Thomas?! Thomas?!” Yes. I run around with a rolling pin and a freakin’ dew rag around my head.
Sean: Like the old woman in the Tom and Jerry cartoons!
Dick: That’s what he’s talking about.
Figbat DiggerNick: It’s horrible. It’s really horrible. I got that from my dad, so I can’t even have any emergency meds for it or anything. If I get it, I get it, and if I die, I die. They literally told me that at the hospital.
Dick: Yeah. There’s no cure for being Tom and Jerry’s mom.
Figbat DiggerNick: They’re pretty cutthroat here.
Dick: alright man. Sorry to hear about your ass and penis problems.
Figbat DiggerNick: Oh, that’s fine. I’m back to body love now, and my penis hopefully isn’t shooting nuggets of wisdom at people or my girlfriend anymore.
Dick: Can you shoot them at tin cans and make a little symphony? Like those people that play glasses – on the rims of glasses. “Hey everybody, I’m Figbat DiggerNick, and I’m going to play Ode to Joy.” (Dick *Ping, ping, pings* Ode to Joy)
Figbat DiggerNick: I so wish I could. If I knock a big enough one out, I’ll get Asterios to eat it. He’s got a thing for nuggets.
Dick: Oh, looking at his lawyer bills, I bet you could get him to do it. Alright buddy, have a good one. Thanks for doing the meetups.
Figbat DiggerNick: Thank you very much for ha… (Figbat is consumed by the blizzard, and leaves the call)
Dick: There he goes. Alright, see you. I got some cool presents I’d like to share with you before we wrap this up. “Hey Dick, in episode 90 you mentioned you had a passing interest in picking up Magic the Gathering again. Well, guess what? You’re about to. The company that created the game makes starter decks for new players. They’re pretty crappy. Instead, try out this duel deck. It’s 2 different decks that were designed to play against each other. With a bunch of cards from a bunch of different sets, they’re simple enough that you shouldn’t have too much trouble learning the game again, or teaching someone else.” Sean. Do you have any interest in Magic? The Gathering? You ever want to play Magic the Gathering?
Sean: Yeah, fuck, I’d play. Why not? I’ve never done it.
Dick: Yeah. It’ll getcha. It hooks everyone.
Sean: That’s what I hear.
Dick: Because it’s a game about strategy and fantasy and your imagination…. And fantasy… Did I already say that? That’s what it’s about. Let’s see… “Also because I brought it up in the past, I included a foil printing of Lord of the Pit.” I loved it by the way. Fucking col painting of Lord of the Pit. “Lastly, I included a play mat that gives you a space to play.” So he included a play mat to play Magic on. This guy, Eric the Red. Here it is. This is the play mat he included. It is…
Sean: Oh my fucking god.
Dick: It is – he, himself, lying naked in a kiddie pool full of Magic cards, where the Magic cards are collected around his groin area. Oh, I have it upside down. And the worst part is that it’s very useful. This is what we’ve been playing Magic the Gathering on in this house since he sent it.
Sean: I don’t wanna play anymore.
Dick: Thanks Eric. Uh, let’s see here… “Hey Dick thanks for the great show. Here’s some spoons from Colorado and Texas. Also, I saw that you’re playing some card game now, so I sent you a highly collectible trucker card game pack. I don’t think you can play any games with it, but fuck it, I’m drunk. Since 80’s girl has had to deal with so much bullshit from the cuck known as Maddox, I also sent her a $20 gift card for Starbucks so she can have a few drinks on me.” Uh… You’re not buying my girl drinks here, buddy. Whoever you’re from, I’ll fly there, rub nipples with you. “I love the show, it keeps me going while I’m out on the road. Thank you so much for making great content, don’t ever quit unless you have to. Tell Sean hi for me, and next time I’ll send him something. Sorry about the handwriting, I’m ashamed.” It’s not bad.
Sean: A very considerate person.
Dick: You know, a man should have a 5-year-old’s handwriting. It should never get any better than that.
Sean: There’s a period when you write a lot that – in school, you’ll – probably high school, not nowadays because everything’s typed. Like, when we were in high school, that’s probably as good as our writing ever got, right? Then as soon as you get out, you start writing like a 5-year old.
Dick: Like a doctor. I don’t even know how to hold a pen anymore. I just hold it with my whole fist. Who told me to hold it like a dainty lady with my fingers? I’m not a cuck. I’m not doing that. Wow, here it is. I see you holding your hand out.
Sean: Yeah. She wants it right now. She’s afraid it’ll get lost in here in this black hole that is the studio. Souper Trucks limited edition. Maybe I can combine a trucker – maybe there can be a trucker version of Magic the Gathering. Where the demons ride on trucks, and it’s about hauling freight.
Sean: See, I dunno the game, so I can’t add to this.
Dick: Alright everybody, this has been The Dick Show. The Dick Show. DickSho… Dick.Show. Portland shirts are in the store. Shop.dickshow. And so are those signed books, thanks everybody who got ‘em. Thanks to Harmful Opinions for calling in, and FigBat… Oh, I almost said it wrong. FigBat – Now I don’t know which is the bad word. FigBat Digger…Nick.
Sean: That is quite a… What do you call that? It’s not an anagram, right?
Dick: No, that’s another word.
Sean: Yeah, anagrams are another word made up of letters from another word, right?
Dick: I dunno what you call it. It’s just being an asshole.
Dick: Alright everybody. This is – This is The Dick Show Horror remix by Vague. C U Next Tuesday.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song ends)
Dick: Facebook news with Captain Jackass.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. There are members of The Dick Show Facebook group, and every now and then, out of those thousands of applicants, come your Indian men who’s severely misunderstand what The Dick Show is really all about. In come (There’s no way in hell I can spell this) from India. Within minutes of being accepted into The Dick Show group, he proclaims “Am single man, my Dick always hard. I made mess of my own, I want to show girl masturbation.” Dickheads tried to show (Indian guy) by referring him to Chelsea the trap. Admin Stephen Bailey normally asks the dickheads if we should let these guys in, and shows us their application. More often than not, the overwhelming majority vote yes. Next up is William McCormick who’s the victim of a job lynch mob for expressing him opinions about David Hog in Larry’s That Larry Show Facebook group. McCormick wrote that Hog is an opportunist, so the spineless douche sent a letter to McCormick’s employer saying how they were disgusted at his comments toward a shooting survivor. The threat continued on with dickheads debating if he was a survivor because he was never shot.
Captain Jackass: Fast forward 30 minutes later, (crosstalk) is being accused of trying to spread his European cucked communist ideas. Out last story is in addendum to last week’s story about Tom Hennen and his road soda. This week, Kerry Grove attempts to one-up Tom by posting a picture of a half-smoked bowl while also driving 76 miles an hour on a highway. What makes this especially remarkable is that the hand holding the bowl is also steering. For some reason, this image upsets nobody, but Tom’s stationary Sam Adams does. This has been The Dick Show group news for the last couple of days.
Dick: I saw a news- it was like the only actual piece of news I’ve ever seen. They took high people, they rated how much pot that they usually smoke, then they kept feeding them pot until their driving suffered. With the 2 non-habitual smokers, it was an ungodly amount of pot, and then they just stopped driving. They tried to drive, and then pulled over and stopped. Because, like, they couldn’t. They just went, “Uh…” and then stopped. And the habitual pot user drove better every time she was given more pot until they said, “we’re out of pot, bitch.” Only piece of news I ever remembered is that one. That, and the one when they fry eggs on the sidewalk. Do you know that David Hogg guy he’s talking about?
Sean: Is he the British guy?
Dick: No. You’re thinking of Warnham Hogg, the paper factory in The Office that David Brent works for.
Sean: Refresh my memory.
Dick: He’s that kid – so, the kids at that last school shooting, or the second to last one. I dunno which one it is. He’s become the first outrage pornstar. Like, as much as I say school shooting is not news in that it is covered in a sensationalist way that is Disproportionate to its impact on people.
Sean: Which is true.
Dick: It’s a money maker. Nothing drives clicks like school shootings in mug shots.
Sean: If it bleeds it leads.
Dick: So what’s outrage porn right? He’s the first outrage porn star. He’s on Twitter as like a blue check mark. His every single tweet is in some way trying to capitalize On the issue. He’s doing it to raise awareness. He never says – like, keeping the outrage alive. He’s telling everybody in New York to put post its. It’s stupid shit for stupid idiots Who are bored at work and want to do something to feel that…
Sean: Being apart of something.
Dick: That they are a part of the victimization. You know – This is a way that everybody can buy their way in – The victimization that these people actually feel. It’s a victim fantasy camp for the whole world. Join in. in this fucking prick is out there, like, He’s trying to stop Marco Rubio. Like he’s The one on TV, he’s just tweeting spicy tweets at Marco Rubio.
Sean: This is a whole other episode.
Dick: This is a whole other episode. It’s sick. It’s sick. Like the number of rifle homicides every year. It’s like 300 to 350. That includes assault rifles. Like, dude, first of all they’re not dangerous. More people drown in a fucking pool. More people die texting and driving. Dick’s Sporting Goods stop selling assault rifles. How many kids go to the hospital for concussion every year Because of your fucking sporting equipment? What are you talking about protecting people?
Sean: Correct me if I’m wrong, but And some news outlets have been better about this than others, But they’re assault style rifles. They’re are essentially hunting rifles with Macho packaging. To look like military weapons.
Dick: That Fucking Kid drives me insane. He’s getting away with that. Outrage porn star. It’s the new hotness. These kids make a name for themselves as the tragedy.
Caller #1: Hey Dick this is Tom Petty. Fuck that guy who says my music sucks. How many #1 songs do you have, mothefucker? Alright, love the show. Later.
Dick: That’s a good. Yo, fuck that guy.
Sean: I didn’t know Tom Petty was so urban.
Dick: Well, you know, you don’t fuck with him. He’ll throw down. He can schmooze in the ghetto with the rest of you-know-who’s in the music industry. Sean, you know what I’m talking about. But if you fuck with Tom Petty, he’s from the street man. He can trash talk like the best of them. The little Irishman has his own little version of fuck you that I found out.
Sean: Oh boy, what is it?
Dick: He had Mario pajamas on that had a gat, and of course he comes out with the hat, and now everyone’s battling over this fucking hat. Anyway, he finally gets it stripped away, blames me for his little brother stealing his hat, and he just turned on me and goes, “BAD UNCLE!” And I was like, I know a fuck you when I see it. Alright, I dunno where you got that, but I hear you loud and clear, buddy.
Caller #2: Hey Dick, it’s first-in first-out, not first-in last-out. That doesn’t make any sense at all. If you’re rotating stock at a store or restaurant or anything perishable, putting the thing that came in first and using it last doesn’t make any fucking sense. When you bring in new stock, you rotate the old to the front, and put the new in the back so that you’re not wasting the stuff that’s been there a couple of weeks. I mean it’s not that hard. People call it FIFO, first in, first out.”
Dick: He’s telling me I’m wrong.
Sean: Yeah, what were you talking about?
Dick: I was talking about the pile. The pile that men have. The first thing in the pile – first thing, my friend, don’t ever tell an engineer how to procrastinate. Alright? We do this. It’s in out DNA. We know how to – I know what a pile is. I know how to put things off. I know things that I’m not going to get done. The first thing in is the last thing I’m going to get to. Keep piling things on top of it. I dunno how it works in the stock room. Things expire. But in the –
Sean: It’s in the bottom of the pile, right?
Dick: It’s in the bottom of the fucking pile. First in last out. First into the pile is the last one out. It’s like trauma. First trauma you get, that’s the last one that you gotta unpack. Very simple. Don’t tell me how to procrastinate, my friend.
Caller #3: Hey dick! It’s your boy Dominique. Let me tell you about this girl. Alright, so, I plowed her out. It was souper hot, man. I want to tell you about it. So, (something about Trump, maybe? This dude’s drunk as fuck.) You know what I’m talking about? You get a little drunk sometime, that’s fine… Souper hot, alright? So what you talking about man?
Sean: What accent is this?
Caller #3: Like, all these Dick show… fucking… bullshit… about the (crosstalk) Ad now you’re talking to me, and you’re just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Caller #3: Point, Dick. The point is that we’re having some sexy times tonight. Alright. We’re fucking. We’re having a good time. Shut up. Shut up. Alright. Just shut up. No, I’m talking to Dick. Alright?
Sean: There’s never gonna be a better voicemail than that.
Dick: He called back.
Caller #3 (again): Just shut up. Syop. Alright. So… Now, we’re done, alright? So, I fucked this girl. She’s souper hot, alright? So she’s got huge tits, you know what I’m saying? Huge tits. Ginormous. Alright? Big as fuck. Fuck you! No, fuck you. Alright?
Sean: What if he just stumbled into a farm and he’s talking to like a cow?
Caller #3: No, fuck you too, alright? No, fuck you.
Dick: It sounds like he’s in traffic, but there’s no other sounds.
Caller #3: Fuck you, man. Just fuck you.
Caller #3: Alright dude…
Sean: … Goodnight?
(I don’t know what he said, but it’s probably some variation of fuck you again.)
Caller #3: Alright, fuck you!
Dick: Okay. Dominique. There you go.
Sean: There he goes.
Dick: There he goes.
Caller #4: Hey Dick, I got a rage for you. Asshole hairs. What are you supposed to do with them? Shave them? Look, I don’t even know where my own asshole is.
(Dick laughs very, very loudly)
Caller #4: I guess I could use a mirror, but then I gotta look into my own asshole, and I’m pretty sure it looks like the underside of a Metroid. Between the beer shits, dip, protein powder, my brown snatch looks like the predator’s mouth. And doing things in a flipped image is difficult. Plus, what am I going to do with my razor afterwards? The downside to having a yeti’s asshole is that you get dingleberries clinging like your asshole is Rapunzel letting down her hair for TP to climb on.
Sean: That’s the worst voicemail ever.
Caller #4: When you test Nair on your finger, that shit removes your fingerprints permanently. You can’t get that waxed, because they put you in the most emasculating position, lying on your back like a flipped turtle while some illegal waxes your Catholic hole. You’re just fucked permanently.
Dick: Asshole hairs, Sean.
Sean: Just go.
Dick: Check your asshole privilege that you don’t have to deal with that. Oh, god. Let’s see here.
Sean: Is there a full moon? What’s going on with these voicemails?
Caller #5: Dick, what makes me a rage is very recently, my wife told me, “remember when you used to be sweet and loved your family and made us breakfast? How come you never do that? You know I fell in love with you because of your pancakes.” So, this morning, I was like, you know what? I’m pretty nice. Great fucking husband, amazing fucking father. I get up at the asscrack of dawn. I’m cooking in the dark just so everybody else can sleep in. I make everything from scratch. Some really great blueberry pancakes, the perfect cup of coffee. Everything. And I wake everybody up like, “Hey. It’s breakfast time.” And they all looked at me like, “Dad, fuck off! I do not want your shitty breakfast!” I go and tell the wife that I made everything, she goes, “well I can’t eat now. I’m gonna go to the gym. So, next time she says :how come you never make breakfast?” I’m gonna play this voicemail for her so she knows this is exactly why I don’t make breakfast. Because you ask for it, the you don’t fucking eat it. See you next Tuesday.
Dick: See you next Tuesday. DP. Our old pal DP. That was him yelling at his kids right there. One more?
Sean: Yeah, one more.
Caller #6: Hey, what’s up buddy? I got a rage for you. What makes me a rage today is jeans. Because a girl’s trying to feel your dick through your jeans. Jeans have a weird way of positioning themselves, so they can’t feel your fucking cock. She can’t feel my cock through these jeans? Fuck no. Can’t have my girlfriend thinking I have a small cock.
Dick: Sounds like he’s beating off right now.
Caller #6: Have a nice day.
Dick: Yeah. Jeans are really a fair-weather friend of the penis. Sometimes, jeans will bunch up when you’re sitting down, and people will think you have an erection because they’re ignorant.
Sean: Yeah. Don’t understand the jeans.
Dick: Sometimes your jeans will jam your dick up, and keep it from getting to its full length, even though it will be hard. Even though something will be going on, they’ll fuck you. The jeans will fuck you, and your penis will go like, “Whoa! I can’t do my thing here. I’m gonna give you a half. Half chub.” And theny ou’re stuck with that. Sometimes, like getting your dick in the right position in jeans to show off is like threading a cable through a wall. You gotta sent in the fishing wire first, wrap it around the tip, and then you’re feeding it through the leg of your pants. You know? To give it room to really get some action going. And you’re doing all this while you’re trying to keep her interested, right? Like a peacock, except your feathers are your penis in your pants. That guy’s right. Jeans will – they need to have penis friendly jeans. Because we all have have those jeans. The jeans are always working in sync. Bam! The second I’m interested at all, boom! Straight down the side! Extra give. And some, it’s like – they’ve got – the flap is over way too far.
Sean: Some jeans are too thick.
Dick: Too thick! I can’t feel anything! You know, after that dickhead strip club meetup, I wanted to make a brand of sweatpants specifically designed for strip clubs.
Sean: Pretty brilliant.
Dick: I think I’ll do it. I’ll do it this week. I tried to get a quote for them ,but they couldn’t print all the way down the side of the leg. I want it to be “strip club sweat pants” all the way down, so there’s no questioning what they’re for. Should be proud of that. But you’re in it for you. That’s what they say. Alright everybody. C U Next Tuesday.