Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean Jacobson, Nick Rekieta, Grant Mooney
Transcription by Ben Smerglia
Presenting Dick! Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick, Dick. Dick, Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. He's a Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick. Dick. Ready.
Dick: Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You want Dick! You need Dick! You love Dick! You got it! Welcome to the only show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of The City of Failure. I am your host, Dick Masterson, also known as The 20 Million Dollar Man. The 20 Million Dollar Man. With me as always is Sean, the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up buddy! The 20 Million-
Sean: Nice intro.
Dick: Thank you. They're gonna call me- I'm gonna develop a legend like Jack and the... What was the Mickey Mouse cartoon where the guy kills seven in one stroke? Where Mickey kills seven flies in one stroke, and then it turns... Everybody starts thinking that he killed a bunch of giants? It's this town-
Sean: Oh, I remember that now, yeah.
Dick: You remember that one? Yeah. It's a town where-
Sean: That's an old one.
Dick: Yeah, I don't why I've always... you know, kids cartoons...
Sean: I forgot about that.
Dick: You remember them because of the pure terror that you feel on behalf of these dumb animated mice and shit. Mickey killed seven flies and his legend starts being exaggerated that he killed seven giants in one- and this giant is fucking with the town. This giant that is an allegory for the Federal government, is fucking with this little libertarian Hamlet in Mickey Mouse Land, as we all understood it as children.
Sean: Yes. [laughs]
Dick: His legend gets blown out of control and he's like "I can't!" He's just a tailor and he knocked out seven flies in one swat!
Sean: But he gets the giant to shove his arm up his other sleeve and then he sews it shut. I'm totally remembering this now! It's a great one.
Dick: Yeah, and I think he goes through his brain and... he really fucks this giant up!
Sean: Do you know how that ends? The giant-
Dick: The giant goes to prison and is raped, and the whole town tweets sarcastic comments about it, about how much they're glad he's being raped in prison.
Sean: That's right, that's right.
Dick: And his name was Martin Shkreli- it turns out- at the end.
Dick: They did a remaster where Mickey sends the giant to jail, and they say- and in jail, the giant quotes Martin Shkreli and they put three parentheses around it for some reason.
Sean: [laughs] Oh no.
Dick: They're holding no punches in the re-release of the Mickey cartoons.
Sean: I had no idea those parentheses meant anything.
Dick: Yeah, and then it says... "The giant (((Martin Shkreli))) loved fucking people up the ass in pharmaceuticals. Now who's getting fucked up the ass? He-he." It's like, yeah you're fucking joking about rape, dude. So, it's funny now? It's funny now, to joke about it, you pieces of shit? That's funny, then? It's funny when a guy is getting raped...
Sean: Always depends who it is.
Dick: ...in prison, in our institution for correction. Oh, it's hilarious that our entire...
Sean: Well, you can joke about a man getting raped. We know that.
Dick: Yeah. It's hilarious that our entire deterrent to crime, which a lot of times is driven by our other shitty education system, and our other shitty job systems that send all of our middle-class, poor jobs overseas, and then we cram children through a fucking meat grinder that prepares them to do nothing but listen to instructions because it's based on a Prussian military academy system. And then they come out with no one to obey because we've shipped all the jobs overseas, so they commit crimes. Hilarious! They're getting raped because of it, it's fucking hysterical! It's so fucking funny, you pompous pieces of shit on Twitter! It's so fucking funny! Can you turn me up a little bit?
Dick: I'm shouting because I can't hear myself. Oh, it's so fucking funny. Every time somebody makes a joke about prison rape, I'm like, "Are you fucking serious? That's funny to you? It's terrifying to me!" It's fucking terrifying! It's the only thing... The only reason I don't do bad shit all of the time is because of the rape in prison.
Sean: Yeah. Well, it's a hell of a deterrent.
Sean: Not enough!
Dick: Otherwise, prison would be a fucking dream! Just read books, watching cable.
Sean: Work out.
Dick: Working out, talking to other men.
Dick: You know? In prison, there's no chance a guy's gonna bring his girlfriend to dinner.
Sean: [laughs] Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, it's true.
Dick: In real life...
Sean: Well, I guess it depends, I mean... (((girlfriend))) in parentheses...
Dick: Shut up, Sean. [laughs] That's all. That is my Miller celebrating... let's celebrate... let's make prison great again! [crosstalk] That's the Liquor Party motto. Everybody's drinking all the time and we're making prison better. We're making it better. We're making it a place where you can go and hang out with your pals, and make some pruno and drink some craft toilet wine, you hipster idiots. We gotta make prison somewhere that these people want to go to.
Dick: That's how we get rid of them.
Sean: Right, right, right.
Dick: That's how we unload them. Oh God, let me see... You know, this show's funny. I send these emails to myself all week about things that piss me off and I wake up-
Sean: Oh, do you? Just so you remember.
Dick: I wake up Sunday morning, especially mornings like this when we lose an hour...
Dick: ...the night before, which I need to see somebody hanged for every year.
Sean: I know... I know...
Dick: It only gets more painful every year and we let it happen for no reason.
Sean: The health effects are well-documented.
Dick: Many heart attacks today. The most heart attack-ridden day... The most fuck-ups in air traffic control and any sort of job-
Sean: Monday will have a bunch of road accidents... yeah.
Dick: It's a catastrophe that we do to ourselves because we're sick. Because we're a sick people and... someone needs to be fucking hanged for it every year, I'm dead serious, until the problem is solved. That's what 'Fight Club' should've been about.
Sean: So Arizona only observes one time, right? Because I know sometimes they're one hour ahead of us, and sometimes they're-
Dick: No, Arizona...
Sean: Aren't they always on the ahead?
Dick: Arizona gains an hour every year.
Sean: What do you mean, they "gain an hour every year"?
Dick: They do the fall back every year and they all get an extra hour once a year on Sunday, and they never go back the other way... They have a whole different... If you go there, sometimes 2:30 in the afternoon is midnight. [laughs]
Sean: Oh, goddammit.
Dick: Yeah, they don't change time.
Sean: Yeah, I know, and Hawaii doesn't either.
Dick: Hawaii doesn't either.
Dick: That's why it's especially hard for me, because I grew up in Arizona.
Dick: So, this time shit has never... my brain was already set.
Sean: Yeah, it's stupid.
Dick: It's very stupid and I hate it. So I wake up on these Sunday mornings where I've already lost an hour, so I'm fucked, and I think "Oh God, what am I... what's the show gonna be about this week? I really hope I didn't fuck future me like usual," but I always send myself these emails throughout the week, of things that have pissed me off, and I never, never have gotten through the entire list of things that make me a rage throughout the week... I don't know why I started talking about that, but... Oh! We're on the Billboard comedy charts again. Two weeks in a row, man.
Dick: How many weeks have we spent on Billboard charts on this show? This year! First of all, we have a hat trick, because we've been on there three times, on Billboard comedy. I think we've spent a month or two... I think we've spent maybe two months...
Sean: We're coming up on 'Dark Side of the Moon' territory here-
Dick: Yeah! We're basically-
Sean: It's the same thing!
Dick: I'm calling Pink Floyd out!
Dick: For who's on Billboard longer.
Sean: You got enough Dunning-Kruger effect in you. You can say we're basically Pink Floyd.
Dick: Yeah. No no, the guys who are doing it are not me, so they are not riddled with the Dunning-Kruger effect. They're actually very talented.
Sean: That's true.
Dick: The Dodgers have made me a rage this week. Fucking credit cards. I've got a ton of good songs. Maddox has admitted perjury...
Sean: Saw that.
Dick: ...in an affidavit. We're gonna talk about that. Nicky Rackets is calling in. Bearing was supposed to call in. I don't know if he's gonna make it though. He ghosted me. That motherfucker ghosted me.
Sean: He probably researched you. [laughs]
Dick: Yeah. Grant Mooney is calling in a little bit later.
Sean: Do you know him?
Dick: No. I don't know him. He's funny though. I've seen some of his videos. He's got like, "The Adventures of Super Trump", where he's like an Australian version of Trump talking to...
Sean: Oh boy!
Dick: It's like frozen [crosstalk]
Sean: If Asterios has any money left, he's gonna file a lawsuit.
Dick: You know what?
Dick: I wonder... I wish we could've tested Asterios before this entire debacle, and then after... I wish there was some kind of...
Sean: Tested him for what?
Dick: Liberalism. The disease of liberalism. Like, if we could've swabbed his cheek- I'm joking, liberals... If we could've swabbed his cheek or something, and tested his amount of cuckery in his blood, and then afterwards, after this LOLsuit, tested him afterwards, because there is no fucking way... I would bet that he is more conservative now.
Sean: You could probably... if you phrased it right or broached the subject right, get him to have an honest, serious conversation about it, and I'm not being funny.
Dick: I'm not being funny either. I would love...
Sean: I think he would be a guy who would admit if he had... feelings of change in some aspect...
Sean: Because I don't think he's a guy who's completely closed off to another point of view-
Dick: No, absolutely not, and sometimes you just say things because you're in an atmosphere where everybody's saying things...
Sean: Right. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah-
Dick: ...so they just come out of your mouth. Not speaking specifically about Asterios, but we're all guilty of it.
Dick: Because I think that the nature of being attacked by the system and being drained, like being sucked for cash by the system, and that is your only defense, like a fucking octopus, shooting money... right?
Dick: Shooting money at the people attacking you, I think would make you more conservative because you have to say "Look, there's no system that exists that is fair! What I'm experiencing in this system is probably indicative of the other government systems that are not made to help, that are only made to mitigate the hemorrhaging of... to mitigate pain." Right? You can't build a system like this that helps people... It's only to... redistribute the harm and the pain that is caused by a singular person into many people... I wonder if we could test for that. We gotta talk to him afterwards...
Dick: I'll see after this is all done. Gotta find out what admitting to perjury and impersonation that Maddox has done and admitted, which is fucking shocking to me. I've gotta tell the story of another time Maddox posed as a reporter. Remind me to do that. I promised people I would tell the story.
Sean: [sighs] What's interesting is... In kind of an overview of this whole thing. Everything that he's accused everyone else of doing, he himself has done, and it's been documented, such as doxxing people, getting people fired, that kind of stuff, it's like...
Dick: Yeah. Harassment campaigns-
Sean: ...Incredible projection that is beyond any rational analysis.
Dick: Yeah... Have you ever heard of the book... God, I don't know what it's called... 'Rules for Radicals' by Saul Alinsky?
Sean: Yes... wait, his last name is pronounced...
Dick: Oh, I'm sorry. (((Saul Alinsky)))- I'm doing the brackets- is that what you mean? That's how you should pronounce it?
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah-
Dick: The parentheses, excuse me.
Sean: Yeah, I have heard of it.
Dick: Is that not how it's pronounced? I don't know, I've never said it out loud, Saul Alinsky. Anyway, 'Rules for Radicals'. It's an older book. I think it came out around in the 60's...
Dick: And it was rules for, you know, exactly what it says- rules for radicals- people who wanted to instigate change in the system through any means necessary.
Sean: Right, yeah.
Dick: Any means necessary, where you're accepting the moniker of scumbag, or a radical, as you start in the truest sense, that you are going completely outside the law, and outside conceptions of morality and decency. You're leaving all that at the door because it's worth whatever... You are becoming the weapon, you are becoming the hammer that you're gonna use to reshape society in your image.
Dick: You're a villain!
Sean: It's the John Brown "by any means necessary" type thing.
Dick: What's that? What's John Brown, what do you mean?
Sean: Without getting into it... around the time of slavery and stuff like that, he was a white guy who was a radical, and I think he was put to death. Harpers Ferry?
Dick: Oh I know that name, Harpers Ferry.
Sean: Am I completely off my gourd?
Dick: No, you're probably fine. Don't look it up... People will correct you either way.
Sean: No, I know.
Dick: Is that what he did, he was a...?
Sean: What did he... Did he bomb Harpers Ferry?
Dick: Well, there's the Guy Fawkes guy who did...
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: ...Tried to blow up, I don't know. The Bastille? Is that what the fuck...? Look, I know what The A-Team did. I know what The A-Team did for 60 episodes. I know every single thing that Dr. Samuel Beckett did. I know every single wrong that he righted and every single moral conundrum that he floundered over. Real people? I don't know. You mean real people like Sherlock Holmes? I know what he did. "Oh no, Dick, he's fake!" [grumbles] Who cares? I know everything that Captain Picard did.
Dick: I know how it was proven that Data was a sentient computer to- whatever- science officer Maddox, when he came aboard the USS Enterprise and wanted to dissect his neural network to clone more Datas. I know that! I know what that happened. I know how many fucking lights there were because my brain is just saturated with shit!
Dick: With made up stories and bullshit that are gonna mean nothing in a hundred years. They're gonna look back at history and say... "So who were the important people of their time?" Oh you know, Captain Picard, Indiana Jones, and... Kermit. That's the guys who they worshipped. Those are the most important historical figures of this time, and I know every single fucking thing they did.
Dick: John Brown? Radical, tried to end slavery? Never heard of him. Who? Who? Anyway... what'd you find?
Sean: Yeah, Harpers Ferry.
Dick: Yeah, Harpers Ferry. Where he staged a mutiny or... I'm getting off the track. In 'Rules for Radicals' it says, "accuse people of what you're doing."
Sean: Ah! Ah!
Dick: Because it does two things...
Sean: Right out of a narcissist's handbook.
Sean: That's exactly what happens.
Dick: It's like... weaponizing narcissism for political ends.
Sean: Yeah. That's sinister.
Dick: It is really sinister and it is very bizarre to see so explicitly... It makes me want to go through the 'Rules for Radicals' and see how many things that Maddox has done, according to this affidavit that he's now committed perjury, at least one count of perjury.
Sean: Yeah. Perjury is bad, as it turns out.
Dick: I can't believe his lawyer would let him do it either, sign this document... Can you imagine, you're paying this guy to protect... to keep your interests in mind... to let this massive... admission of perjury, and signing it forever!
Sean: Look, all joking aside, I think his lawyer is probably concerned with not projectile vomiting first thing in the morning.
Dick: [laughs] I don't know anything about that.
Sean: I'm serious. He's probably got a... I'm guessing he's a little fast and loose with, you know-
Dick: Advocation of the client?
Sean: I don't know.
Dick: I don't know. It was shocking to see.
Dick: I was meeting with Rocket Man. Rocket Man was in town.
Sean: Oh, was he?
Dick: Yeah, I was out with him at a bar...
Sean: How quickly did he get upside down in a chair?
Dick: No, he was on good behavior because his work people were there.
Sean: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: It's so funny, the school of super science and protecting the earth from getting annihilated by an asteroid... works and feels exactly like a work conference. It's all about the little cliques that develop. You're always trying to get another department to cooperate, and you need money. There is no difference. If you just blank out the goal of an organization, there's no fucking difference between this extreme noble pursuit of the survival of man, versus selling boner medication. They're exactly the same!
Sean: Makes perfect sense.
Dick: To such a degree that it's shocking we don't teach these skills!
Dick: You go to college, and they... steal your money with general ed requirements that you do not need, that are not shown to help you in any way, taking Organic Chemistry 101...
Sean: Yeah. It should be all specialized stuff, shouldn't it, college-?
Dick: It should be just like Life 101. This is how you navigate... Here's what it makes me think... I'm just going all tangent today!
Dick: This is just gonna be 'Dick on Tangents'. It's like how the Japanese have this system, and I think that they really do have it, but at least it's on TV where they don't accept something unless you've offered it three times, right?
Sean: I've heard of that.
Dick: Like if you say, "Hey Sean, take this dildo, I want you to have it," and you say [Spanish accent] "No, I cannot", "Sean, please I insist that you take this dildo-"
Sean: You're going a little Diego there.
Dick: Oh yeah, [Japanese accents] "Oh no! I cannot do this."
Dick: Sean, you do it. Sean, take this dildo.
Sean: I do not want a dildo.
Dick: Sean, I really want you to have this dildo.
Sean: I... wish to not accept the dildo...
Dick: Sean, I'd like you to have the dildo.
Sean: I accept the dildo.
Dick: See? And it seems stupid, but it's so fucking important to have... just basic interactions with people... when you're not just getting shit-faced at a bar... like at a business, at a company... it's to protect against the huge amount of people who are complete neanderthals and who don't know how to behave at all.
Dick: That's what we gotta be teach- speaking of which. My life, I'm convinced, has just become a never-ending episode of 'Married With Children'.
Sean: Is that right?
Dick: Sean, yeah.
Sean: What are you... Are you trying to get out of fucking girlfriends, or what?
Dick: It's a never-fucking-ending series of me getting yelled at by fat women.
Dick: That's what my life... I was out with Rocket Man and I swear to God... after his symposium where he's talking to all the engineers who are saving the planet, right? These guys are tasked with spotting incoming asteroids, which I couldn't peg any of them down on what's the likelihood that there's gonna be one. They're all like, "Well, if there is one, it's gonna be catastrophic," and I said, "Don't fucking... what's the likelihood? Is it zero and you guys just wanna blow $100 million on this shit?"
Sean: No, but isn't the likelihood 100%?
Dick: Their technology is all built for like a hundred years out.
Sean: Oh, yeah. Sure.
Dick: Yeah, so its like, well what are the odds-
Sean: Probably zero, statistically-
Dick: Can I spend this? Can I feed a bunch of kids with this until we develop... until we move... to a Type II civilization? Maybe that would be a better spend, you fucking dicks.
Sean: Well, you know...
Dick: Anyway... whatever, but they're salesman. They gotta sell!
Sean: You're right!
Dick: You always have to sell!
Sean: You're right!
Dick: It was shocking to see sales shit at that level where you don't think- you think "Oh, it's all academic," but no! The sellers...
Sean: Because you need money!
Dick: ...excel in this market too!
Sean: You gotta sell people on the concept.
Dick: Yeah, you really do.
Sean: You do, yeah.
Dick: So after that, we go to Lucky Baldwin's...
Sean: I like that place-
Dick: In Pasadena. I love that place.
Dick: That place has good memories for me. That's the bar that I left the wedding- that was where the wedding after-party was at, that I left with 80's Girl, that started this entire mess.
Dick: That was the Captain Picard moment, I guess. That episode when Q sends him back in time. If I had to relive that, not leave with her and see what a shell of a pussy I would be for the next three years, right?
Dick: It would be so sad and different, to just hump along on that fucking podcast as more and more people tuned out because it got increasingly... the vitriol increased, the rancor- excuse me- increased, and the topics became increasingly political, and the love was sucked from it.
Sean: Yeah, it's true.
Dick: So we go to that bar and it's packed. It's a British pub in Pasadena. It's packed. It's packed, of course. I don't know why. It was nighttime. It was packed. I don't remember what day it was. And there's one little table. There's one little table off in the corner. It's a little, tiny table... the kind of table you don't want to sit at with a man... with another man. It's like a hot date table, you're like "Ooh yeah!"
Sean: There's not enough table between you.
Dick: No, there's not enough-
Sean: You gotta reach over and grab their hand or something-
Dick: I have to hold my arms...
Dick: I have to just set my hands on the table like a... midget blackjack dealer, right? I can't get into the full flex that I wanna get into, where we both can't do it, and then you're having a weird power struggle where you might as well be two dogs humping.
Dick: Like the male assertion of dominance for an armrest or for table space. You're like, "Yeah, this is what dogs are doing when they're humping, dude. Just keep that in mind, don't overdo it..." You still gotta hump. I still want that table space, I want that armrest. I'll hump you for that armrest.
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: This is what they're doing. Little tiny table. So small, if both of us were to get erections, they would touch. Our penises would touch.
Sean: Hmm, that's disturbing.
Dick: Yeah. Little tiny tables. I'm like, "All right, Rocket Man, I guess we're sitting here."
Sean: And he's a small guy.
Dick: He's a small guy.
Sean: Luckily, or it would've been really... if you were there with Coach...
Dick: No, we would've just had to leave.
Dick: They probably have a special seat just for Coach, though. All those seats that are reserved I like to think are for Coach.
Sean: He's spent his time there.
Dick: He's paid his dues at LB's.
Sean: Yeah, he's paid his dues at LB's, yeah.
Dick: But Coach likes to run an Even Steven program at bars. He likes to excessively patronize them and also take advantage of their hospitality. He's running that with all of life, I've noticed.
Sean: I've seen no evidence of this! [laughs] Here's an invoice.
Dick: Sean... Okay, I'll tell you, I once got in a fight with Coach because he wouldn't stop bouncing on my couch.
Dick: He was shit-faced and I had this... when I lived in Hollywood, I spent way too much money on a really nice couch.
Sean: Yeah, it's a really nice couch.
Dick: Because I wanted to bang the sales girl.
Sean: You told me, that's right!
Dick: When it was delivered, she came over and sucked me off on the couch. It was awesome.
Sean: That's amazing.
Dick: And then I looked at the bill and I said, "Wait a minute! What!? How did I-"
Sean: "I paid this much for...?"
Dick: "This is outrageous!"
Sean: But it is a nice couch and your Hollywood place had a great open- it was a gigantic living room, so you needed a really big, badass couch like that.
Dick: Yeah. You know what-
Sean: And a blowjob, I guess.
Dick: Well yeah, that was number- I went out for a couch and came home with a blowjob, I don't know what to tell you. America's Wingman.
Sean: People have paid more for less.
Dick: [laughs] Yeah. At least it wasn't a divorce.
Dick: Did I ever tell you that apartment that, like an insane... My apartment in Hollywood was a one-bedroom and it had no walls or closets. It was like a cell... That's all it was. It was like a loft but it was in a building from the 30's... this insane architect... and Johnny Depp and Nicolas Cage had lived in that same apartment, I was told.
Sean: Well yeah-
Dick: After I signed the lease, too, so I know it wasn't a sales trick.
Sean: Oh, you mean in your actual...?
Sean: Oh, no kidding!
Sean: Probably when they came out or whatever...
Dick: They're gay?
Sean: No, no, no, no. I mean, the studios put them up there or whatever.
Dick: Oh yeah.
Sean: That's what that building used to be.
Sean: Back in the 30's and stuff when all the... right?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah-
Sean: When all the stars would come in from out of town.
Dick: That was for the guys. That building was for the male stars and the building right next door was for the female stars, and every one of the closets-
Sean: The Fleur-de-lis-
Dick: Yeah, well I don't wanna dox myself, you motherfucker-
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... right, right, right.
Dick: Every, every...
Sean: Well, you don't live there now.
Sean: And you didn't live in that one either.
Dick: I'm so sloppy, everybody knows where I live anyway. Thanks to the fucking LOLsuit. Everybody knows everything now.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Congratulations... I live in a post-privacy world and I'll tell you, it's not that bad.
Sean: Yeah, and hopefully nothing changes to make you think it's that bad.
Dick: No one's tried to kill me yet.
Sean: Good! Things are looking up.
Dick: I got two things behind me, if anybody's watching the stream at Patreon.com/TheDickShow
Sean: Oh, that's cool!
Dick: Where just for a dollar, you get access to the video, which is all upgraded... thanks to you guys. Thanks so much for your support and for fucking supporting the LOLsuit, which I could not afford- period- without Patreonis.
Dick: It's just the fact of the matter.
Sean: It's amazing.
Dick: I would not be able to afford jack shit and I would probably be... they would probably just send a New York brute squad over to put me in a Hannibal Lecter-style cart with a mask over my face-
Sean: And wheel you off...
Dick: And wheel me around... and wheel me to the Clockwork Orange-style reprogramming facility to erase the word "Maddox" from my brain, because I would've immediately lost the LOLsuit. I have protection now in the studio, as you can see. Two types of protection, you get to take which one you're getting up the ass. There is the shotgun, made by Caleb Slotnick, and there is the gigantic dildo, both mounted on a gun rack.
Sean: Which I believe you promised to a Japanese gentleman...
Dick: Did I?
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, it's yours now. I'll put a little name tag on it. Anyway, the guy who lived in that apartment before me tore it all out, tore all the walls out, and took them outside every night in his pants, like Shawshank Redemption. So, I had the only apartment that was like that in the whole building, I found out much later.
Sean: That's why that was such an open, cool place.
Dick: Yeah, because some asshole, every night, would just, I don't know, do a bunch of amphetamines and stay up all night tearing the walls out of his apartment.
Sean: That's true?
Dick: Yes! Oh yeah! Yeah! That's true. That is a true story.
Sean: What the fuck...
Dick: I forget why I was talking about this... talking about my apartment... talking about the couch that Coach would jump on.
Sean: Yeah, and you got in a fight with him because-
Dick: I got this beautiful new couch and he would get so shit-faced. He was bouncing on the couch and I had to say, "Hey, stop what you're doing. Stop jumping on my fucking furniture like a child," and he goes, "Oh yeah? Are you gonna make me?" and I said, "Well, do you want me to?" and it was like, the most tense... I don't even know if he remembers it!
Sean: Probably not.
Dick: But then he just sat down, and we watched TV, and I was like fuck, I didn't have a plan if his answer was "Yes" to that. Thank God that he de-escalated because I certainly didn't.
Sean: Yeah. Well, it's one of those things... it's one of those times in your life... where you sympathize, even for a second, with your parents.
Sean: When you're an adult and you're like, "Goddammit, man. I paid a lot of money for this fucking thing and you're treating it like-"
Dick: [laughing] You're treating it like shit!
Sean: You're treating it like you're walking on the sidewalk... like it's a fucking piece of fucking trash you don't need, "Oh, I can step on it or not, whatever."
Dick: Bounce, bounce. I remember him so clearly doing it, I'm like, "Would you fucking stop doing what you're doing you son of a bitch?" Either your kids are too small to discipline correctly or they're too fucking big, like in this case! "You're too fucking big for me to discipline!" Anyway...
Sean: Yeah, you're like, "Man, you have no appreciation for anything-"
Dick: For my couch!
Sean: For anything!
Dick: Fuck yo couch! FigBat...
Dick: That guy was a great caller.
Dick: People are saying I interrupted him too much, but you gotta understand...
Sean: He's funny.
Dick: ...there's a tremendous delay when you talk to people on the other side of the planet...
Dick: ...and you don't know when... It's very strange, it's strange to do. People said Milo talked over me and he didn't, but-
Sean: I don't know.
Dick: The delay is real.
Sean: Oh, absolutely. Well, it's long enough to really throw off the flow of a conversation.
Dick: Yeah, unfortunately.
Sean: That's the problem with it.
Dick: That's our fault for trying to have a conversation. It's disgusting.
Sean: I thought it was great. I thought he's great.
Dick: Me too. He's hilarious.
Sean: He's very funny.
Dick: He's number seven on the rage board, too. So, Rocket Man and I pull into this tiny, tiny table, and I squeeze myself in... The second- I shit you not- in Lucky Baldwin's, the second my ass hits the chair, I hear from behind me a great and slobbery "Excuse me! Excuse me."
Sean: Oh no.
Dick: Right? Like Jabba the Hut, I hear [Huttese], but I know what it means in my brain. It's translating it for me, and I think, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me! I'm already at the worst table- this is the worst table in the world." So I turn around and I see a gigantic booth, an ocean of seats. The booth that you're not supposed to be allowed to sit in if there's only three of you, yet here they sit. The Weight Watchers meeting of Pasadena taking up... a pew, a church bench each, in this British pub, with the largest of them... the one that's eaten the fourth member of them, giving me the fake head turn slash eye roll. Not even the look, you see. Just a head turn to know that they're talking to you, and then looking up in the air so you don't have the satisfaction of looking them in the eyes. "Excuse me..."
Sean: And what was the "excuse me"?
Dick: ...and I turn around, my fucking hand is still on the seat from when I lowered down. I turn around, I know this tone, and I'm too fucking old. I'm too fucking old to get duped into the process of trying to understand you. I know what this is the second I hear it. It was International Women's Day, by the way, so I know somebody's hopped up on Ho-Ho's and empowerment. I turn around and say "What? What? What is it?" and she goes, "Well... you touched me..." [laughs] are you fucking... [laughs]
Sean: I will boil my hand immediately!
Dick: Yeah! Thanks for the warning! Are you contagious? Is whatever you have contagious? I'll go wash my fucking hands immediately! Are you asking me for more? Should I be worried that you're gonna bite off a chunk of me because you've sensed my presence? What do you mean I touched you? We're in a fucking bar!
Dick: You get touched in a bar that is packed when everybody is crammed in like sardines, as they should be, because I need to be in this bar. Need it. I needed... I was losing a buzz.
Sean: Oh, that's a dangerous place to be. That's the most irritable place to be.
Dick: [laughs] It is the most irritable place to be and it's the most important to not have distractions. You're like Kiefer Sutherland in '24' when you're losing... if you know you're changing bars, the second you taste that last drop of IPA at the last bar... that's when the little 24 hour clock comes up and starts ticking... Boop, boop, boop, because you have that long to get to the next place.
Sean: That's why...
Sean: You've gotta slam a drink. Have a stiff drink. Drink it really quickly at the previous bar, so you know that when you go out, you're gonna be actually peaking when you're out.
Dick: That's smart.
Sean: Yeah. So you're actually... having an even better time than you thought on the way to the next bar.
Dick: That's a good Sean tip.
Dick: So I says to her, and this is why... my life has become a 'Married With Children' episode... So I says to her, "Well, what do you want me to do?" And she goes, "Well you could scoot in." Sean, this is two... these people have...
Sean: Wait... she's saying you're still touching her, or-
Dick: Because our fucking... I don't know! I don't wanna touch this chick!
Dick: I'm sitting here like this, "Well what do you want me to do?", "Well you could scoot in!" and I said [laughs] "I can't scoot in because I'm too fat!" [laughs]
Dick: And then I just started laughing. [laughs] I turn back to Rocket Man and he goes "Oh. Oh boy, okay." So, the waitress comes over and she goes, "Are you ready?" This is so fucking... So, Peg, you'll never believe what happened to me at Lucky Baldwin's, right?
Dick: So, the waitress comes over and she goes "Sir, are you ready to order?" And I said, "Well, I thought I was but Moby Dyke over here seems to have a problem."
Dick: [laughs] and I don't wanna get my table capsized...
Dick: ...which I knew I shouldn't have said, but whatever.
Sean: Oh God. Jesus Christ.
Dick: So, the waitress goes, "Well, let me just move your table." So the waitress moves the table out, and I'm amped up now, before I get my drink... I'm making the... "It's International Women's Day, not International Walrus Day," et cetera.
Sean: Oh boy. You're on fire!
Dick: Look, I can't kick people out of the bar...
Sean: No, but you can make it-
Dick: ...but I can kick people out of the bar.
Sean: Yes you can.
Dick: This is a gift that I have.
Sean: Right. You're like Melvin from 'As Good As It Gets', you know?
Dick: [laughs] Yeah, and I don't fucking care-
Sean: "What's a matter triple parentheses, your appetites aren't as big as your noses?"
Dick: I don't fucking care anymore. But afterwards, they pack up and leave. They pack up their whatever... their pamphlets, their Jenny Craig pamphlets and leave.
Sean: Oh boy. And I went off to judge the huge ass contest-
Dick: No, and this guy sitting to my right... and this is where the shame hits, when you've done something like I do repeatedly, you think, "Oh man, I feel like shit having done that." This is when you start... I forget what the word is called when you start realizing that there's other people living entirely full and rich lives that are slaves to their own demons other than just you, and that you should understand them a little better maybe, tolerate them. It's understanding that helps us live in a world and tolerate a person such as yourself, like one of these shame spiral epiphanies, which is very dangerous to get when you're three or four drinks in, my friend.
Sean: It's a terrible concept. It's a terrible realization.
Dick: [laughs] "It's a terrible realization," I would like that zapped, I would like that removed from my fucking [crosstalk]
Sean: It's rough.
Dick: This guy, this gentleman gets up to leave. He grabs his motorcycle helmet- his red, white, and blue motorcycle helmet- and he goes "Hey," as he was leaving, he goes, "Hey, just wanted to let you know that whole thing was really funny. Thank you for doing that," and I said...
Sean: My life is complete.
Dick: "Day and night, buddy. TheDickShow.com"
Sean: Did you throw the website out?
Sean: Yeah, there you go.
Dick: Fuck it. Hey.
Dick: This is... Go report it.
Sean: I'll bet you we get a message from that guy.
Dick: Oh God, it just made me fucking insane-
Sean: Because that's how this show works.
Sean: And then he'll be some interesting guy...
Sean: You know? Who will...
Dick: I mean, he's drinking before riding a motorcycle, so [laughs] I'm sure he's got a couple tales of fucking up, which are the only tales that we wanna hear about. Nobody wants to hear about success stories.
Dick: Just wanna hear stories about fucking up. I've never watched a movie past the fourth act. I just wanna see the character get to their worst, then I turn the movie off. I say "Great! That was a good tale of a guy blowing an opportunity and not learning any lessons."
Sean: I wonder what would happen if you raised somebody with that concept.
Dick: [laughs] Instead of 'Veggie Tales', you just show them movies and shut it off at the bleakest moment?
Dick: [laughs] Yeah. Make them watch 'Sesame Street', but edit out all the parts where the adult helps the muppet.
Dick: Where it's just Grover coming in...
Sean: Just has a problem.
Dick: Fucking up, yeah.
Sean: Total, just, angst-ridden... can't solve anything. Onto the next thing. It's like, well what the fuck happened?
Dick: Yeah. Ernie sells Bert's paper clips and Bert sells Ernie's rubber duck to get... Ernie sells his rubber duck to get Bert a present. Bert sells his paper clip collection to get Ernie a rubber duck holder and that's the end of the episode. There's no resolution. They each made selfless acts and it fucked them up and they suffered for it.
Sean: Now they have nothing.
Dick: Next program. All right, I got another one too.
Sean: You'd probably get a person who was more prepared for the real world [laughs]
Dick: Yeah, or you'd get a corpse.
Dick: Let's see, Dodger tickets have made me a rage. You know Dodger tickets are my... Opening Day is my favorite thing in the world-
Sean: It's coming up already.
Dick: It's my favorite thing in the world.
Sean: Yeah. What's going on with Dodger tickets?
Dick: So the guy that sold us the Dodger tickets every year- in the Dodgers office- retired.
Sean: He did?
Dick: Yeah. He's been selling them to us for 30 years, I think. I've been going for 15 years, but it's been a tradition with these people for probably 30 years, maybe 40-
Sean: I mean, he's old!
Dick: Yeah. He decided to go out on a loss. On a World Series loss-
Sean: But he lives and breathes Dodgers.
Dick: He's gotta be very old, then. Selfish. Selfishly wanted to spend his remaining years with his... sex dolls, I guess. I don't know. I don't know anything about the man.
Sean: You're telling me he doesn't wanna go to Opening Day?
Dick: No, no, no, no, no. He worked at the Dodgers ticketing office. He's the one who would sell us the tickets. So get this!
Sean: Oh, this is not who I'm thinking of.
Dick: No, no, no, no, no.
Sean: Oh, I was gonna say...
Dick: The person, the guy you're thinking of, my friend who organizes... Godfrey, who organizes the Dodgers event? Got fucking raided by the FBI last month.
Sean: Wait, last month?
Dick: Yes. While we were in Chicago. Oh, dude, talk about...
Sean: Oh shit! Hasn't that happened to him before?
Dick: Yes! Talk about-
Sean: What the hell is he doing?
Dick: Fucking nothing. Same thing Shkreli did, [laughs] nothing! I don't know, I gotta get the whole story from him. But anyway, the guy who would sell us the tickets from the main office retired, so I thought, "No big deal, we'll just buy tickets," right?
Dick: Think a-fucking-gain... because to save their lives, they can't make these games exciting. In order to get Opening Day tickets, you've gotta buy 20 games!
Dick: You've gotta buy a fucking ticket pack of 20 games to get one day! How about instead of forcing, extorting your biggest... well, fans anyway, I mean... fans... how about instead of extorting your most enthusiastic fans, you make the baseball game something that's worth attending again. Why don't you knock the price of beer down to $10? Let us have fun in the parking lot! Suggest to the police that their presence is not required! That you don't need 10,000 fucking cops! This is the same stadium that added seats in front of the front row and... offered those people the ability to upgrade for like $100,000, to the seats that they once had for life!
Sean: When this ownership group came in, everybody said, "This is great! They've got bottomless pockets... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." It's like, what, you think they're gonna empty their pockets without refilling them with yours?
Dick: It's fucking so infuriating... everybody who's dropping for the 20 tickets is reselling the Opening Day ticket on StubHub for like $160, which is out-fucking-rageous!
Dick: BrassHockey said in the Reddit, I read this this week too, so it's not just a Dodgers thing. "When in response to decreasing attendance, pro sports does everything but lower the cost of a ticket, so that the only way a schlub like me can go is to buy a ticket on the secondary market from people desperate to recover at least a portion of their cost." Man, fuck the Dodgers... fuck everybody that treats the fans and the people who actually support the sport by watching it like cash machines. Like a fucking ATM, I'm so tired of getting raped by the Dodgers... Every year it gets worse!
Sean: It does, it does.
Dick: Every year, there's more cops who are now so... you know, they're bored, so now they just wanna go talk to chicks and show off their thighs in their bicycle shorts, and show off their fucking helicopters... 20 games. You gotta buy 20 games... You know, make it 100.
Sean: Yeah... Well...
Dick: Make it... you gotta buy the entire season. Just have one guy-
Sean: You gotta, yeah- 81 home games-
Dick: -in the fucking stands but he covered the entire nut for the year. Cocksuckers.
Sean: Yeah... Yep!
Dick: All right. Got another one, too. Well, I gotta bunch more. I told you, I never get to it. All right, I'm gonna play a song by Ken Doll In Hyde. I gotta play... more of these songs. They're so funny.
Dick: I don't know how that guy turns them around this fast.
Sean: I know. They are really, really funny. They're some of my favorites.
Dick: I know nothing about him.
Dick: But he just...
Sean: Probably better that way-
Dick: ...cranks out the hits. It is better that way. I just see in my head a little gimp mask guy-
Sean: Are we gonna talk to Nick Rackets?
Dick: Yeah, we are...
Sean: Okay, good.
Dick: ...in a bit. Okay, here's Ken Doll In Hide with 'A Ramshackle Affair'. Did you see that? Do you know where that's from? Patreon called Maddox's LOLsuit "a ramshackle affair."
Sean: Oh... that's from Patreon?
Dick: Yeah. "The Plaintiffs' motion is a ramshackle affair that makes no..."
Sean: No, no, no, no.
Dick: It's the lawyer equivalent of that Billy Madison quote, "That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard and everyone in this room is now dumber for having heard it-"
Sean: Yeah, "for having heard it".
Dick: Yeah. I'll read it. I'm gonna play it first and then I'll read it.
KDIH: He-here we go, and don't you know. Fuck you, Jordan Cope!
KDIH: My lawyer's drunk, let's sue someone for making Photoshops of me. Responses dropping, I'm not stopping. Still white-knighting cuckoldry. Don't need no stupid patrons, You Tube Station subs are leaving me. Soon Nick will start lawsplaining. While you're waiting, come on, sing with me. Patreon's response just fucked me up. Greenberger wants to prove that I'm a cuck. Soon, I won't have a single fan in sight, but trust me, everything's all right. Everything's all right!
KDIH: Commercial court this sucks, hey please hurry. Lock Dick up and throw away the key. I can't take these lawyer fees no more. Now I'm super broke just like my door.
KDIH: My lawyer's drunk, let's sue someone for commenting on horse cock tweets.
Dick: Fuckin' idiot.
KDIH: Responses dropping, I'm not stopping. Guys surprise, Heather is me. Let's have a toast to past co-hosts, they're farming ass on crime podcasts. Two hours till Nick's lawsplaining. While you're waiting, come on, sing with me. It's only gonna be a matter of time. When this gets dismissed, I'll really lose my mind. Jordan's lawyers, they're as cold as ice. Said my shit's ramshackle, that's not nice. Now I'm getting fat, and you're all SuperChatting because I'm suing everybody way out in Manhattan. Let's party, just be careful with my flimsy door. Take a page from my book, cop a feel on the dance floor!
KDIH: My lawyer's drunk, let's sue someone who made some Cuckmas songs for me. Responses dropping, I'm not stopping. Lando, more apostrophes. Don't need no stupid patrons, You Tube Station subs are leaving me. Soon Nick will start lawsplaining. While you're waiting, come on, sing with me. If you Tweet, you'll need a lawyer. Yeah, you'll need a lawyer! It's easy to sue one another...
Dick: [laughs] That's Heather. That's Heather S.
Sean: Right. Right, right, right.
Dick: "Heather Ass", it should be.
Dick: That's our version of Heather S, is "Heather Ass".
Sean: There you go, "Heather Ass".
KDIH: Everybody stop trying to have a good time, no more having fun online. Defend your First Amendment on your own dime. If you lose your rights, your problem, not mine.
Dick: Your problem!
KDIH: Three years later, I'm still crying...
Dick: Get a credit card, man. You like those rights? Get a fucking credit card.
Sean: Yeah, right?
Dick: Warm it up, bitch!
KDIH: ...Just wanna warn schools to watch their Christmas lights...
Dick: They're gonna be expensive.
KDIH: ...Yo Madcucks is free, he doesn't have to run...
Dick: The Bill of Rights is literally a bill.
KDIH: ...Are you passed out? It's just an asthma attack. Wake up, we need to win and get 80's Girl back. I miss you! My lawyer's drunk...
[Music fades out]
Dick: [laughs] All right, all right, all right.
Sean: He's so proficient!
Dick: I know, he's so fucking good. I'm gonna get Nick Rackets on now. That's a good segue... Hey Nick, are you there?
Nick: Yeah, buddy, I'm here.
Dick: Hey man, great streams this week.
Sean: Yeah. Yep. I wanna be you when I grow up.
Nick: Thanks [laughs]
Dick: No shit.
Sean: I really do.
Nick: Me too. Me too.
Dick: Everything about Nick makes me really seriously, as I'm drinking with him watching him stream, there's a point where I just start rethinking all of my life choices. He's singing Disney songs with his wife on the stream-
Sean: Yeah I know!
Dick: Home schooling their kids in a compound in the middle of nowhere and not dealing with my problems, and I think "I think maybe that the issue is you, here. You fucked up by not being Nick."
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's what I think every day. [laughs]
Dick: I don't think I'm the only one that does this, but when I see the "Nick Rekieta is streaming" alert pop up, I immediately put it on on my phone, and just run home and drive recklessly while watching the screen, so I don't miss a single moment of it.
Sean: Yeah. With a Sam Adam's open on your lap, right?
Dick: Yeah, well. Whatever. I don't want to accidentally confess to anything, Sean, as our arch-nemesis has done.
Sean: Yeah, right.
Dick: Nick, what's the deal? How serious is Maddox saying that he was Heather S, actually? Can you lawsplain it for us?
Nick: So far, it looks like it's two criminal acts.
Nick: There's impersonation in the second degree, which was the act of actually doing the impersonation. I talked about it on the stream-
Sean: Because there is a Heather S.
Dick: Yeah, and she's exactly who he was posing as.
Sean: What a fucking idiot! What an idiot.
Dick: Dude. It's exactly who would have been writing this story... The actual Heather S, I'm not gonna say her name and no one should- but it's easy to find because of fucking LinkedIn, and she shouldn't be ashamed to be... in this position in her career, but she is the one who would be constructing this story. She's the producer of content!
Sean: That is...
Sean: It's... stunning.
Sean: I am speechless.
Nick: Yeah, and it seems a little coincidental to argue, "Well, we just picked a random name and initial from Conde Nast," so I think they found someone, probably via LinkedIn or some other connection to choose to impersonate that person and then... the statute in New York says that they just have to do it, either for their own personal gain or to cause harm to another person-
Sean: Well, there you go.
Nick: Yeah. This case, that includes something called pecuniary or monetary harm, and for Asterios, he should definitely... you know, when you get contacted by a feminist organization or publication, or if your general counsel does, alleging that you're doing all sorts of horrific things online, then you should definitely be in fear.
Dick: Well, and like... purposefully taking shit I've said in 'Men Are Better Than Women' and making a graphic of Asterios laughing and saying that he said this.
Sean: Oh, no. I know...
Dick: Flat out... At what point does it cross the line between... I know Maddox... by nature he's a wishy-washy guy, and he's explicitly being wishy-washy here because I think he knows what he's doing... I think he knows that he's attempting to defame people and fuck up their lives and he's trying to cover his tracks. At what point, in a case like that, does it become straight up like a criminal lie, where you take a quote, put it next to a picture of someone... Isn't that the same thing as saying "This guy said this"?
Nick: Yeah. I mean, I would think so. His argument would be, "No, Dick said it, but Asterios works with him, so he's condoning it" or some stupid thing like that.
Dick: Some bizarre...
Nick: So it becomes... I mean, prosecuting for the statement... or that sort of defamation part... that is really, really a difficult thing to do.
Nick: But, the one thing that should be a lot easier... I mentioned the... impersonation problem, but he's got a perjury problem because-
Dick: Oh yeah! Okay, so can you explain that for everybody?
Nick: Yeah, so your complaint, the initial complaint that he made talks about Heather.
Dick: The LOLsuit that I've wiped my ass with? That's the document you're talking about?
Dick: That I literally wipe my ass with every morning... did you get a roll of that toilet paper?
Nick: I have received two, yes.
Dick: Okay, good.
Dick: I'll get you toilet paper.
Nick: From some awesome fans. But yeah, so around paragraph 63, 64 is where the complaint starts talking about Heather.
Nick: An individual named Heather, and Heather is in quotes, and I think that was maybe an attempt to shield this off from the get-go, to say "Oh, well we put Heather in quotes because, you know, it wasn't the actual person," but I don't think that gets them out of what they've done here.
Sean: My name's in quotes.
Dick: Yeah, Sean's in quotes, too.
Nick: Oh, okay. [laughs]
Dick: I don't even know Sean's real name.
Nick: Well, there you go. Maybe you're not the real Sean.
Dick: I know Rucka's real name though, because I gotta depose him for the trademark thing-
Sean: Yeah, I do too. Yeah.
Nick: [laughs] So the thing is with complaints... they're technically made under oath and it doesn't expressly state it in the complaint, but it does in the affidavit that was filed along with the complaint where Maddox says he has read and is familiar with the document and asserts everything in it to be correct to the best of his knowledge, so...
Dick: So you can't just go like... "I was saving this bombshell for court and now I'll just drop it here. It turns out what I said before- ha ha! I'm my own secret mystery guest!" Is he trying to Scooby Doo the judge?
Nick: You could maybe get away with something like that if you were representing yourself.
Nick: Where a judge could just be like, "No. I'm sorry that you've ever watched TV, but it doesn't actually work that way."
Dick: So what exactly is the perjury? He said before... he makes it seem like Heather S is a different person. He doesn't flat out say "I, posing as Heather S." What makes it perjury just including the shit from Heather S? Is there a line where he says "I'm not Heather S"?
Nick: Sort of. In one of the responses, I think it was to Asterios, and it might show up before this somewhere, but it basically says that Asterios asked Maddox to apologize for something he quote did not do.
Dick: Right! And that was posing as Heather.
Sean: Now he's established...
Sean: Now he's established that Heather is a separate person by saying that.
Dick: Okay, okay. Yeah.
Nick: Right. Yeah, as far as I can tell... Now, I mean the elements of the crime are there. Prosecuting a crime is always different than having the elements, especially when a crime involves speech, or a crime involves some sort of action like this.
Dick: Especially when it involves slap-dickery and there's better things to prosecute than a moron pretending to be a girl online.
Nick: Now what it could mean...
Dick: Although it is bad.
Nick: ...in terms of the lawsuit, though, is it could mean a sanction and what's interesting about it, this makes it doubly interesting. So if you caught on the last stream, I talked about Landau's case Almeciga versus CIR, where he narrowly avoided sanctions because it was shown that he put forth enough effort to maybe not know that his client was lying. But in this one, I think putting Heather in quotes in paragraph 64, 65, 66...
Nick: ...indicates that Landau did know that Maddox was Heather...
Nick: ...and therefore was perpetrating the fraud on the court...
Dick: Because it's in quotes. I mean, he does have a problem with quotes. The singular, we know that.
Nick: [laughs] He has similar punctuation errors, but Heather is consistently in quotes.
Dick: I think they should put an interlock device on his fucking keyboard, personally.
Sean: Why am I in quotes?
Nick: I don't know why you're in quotes.
Sean: Do you know what I mean?
Sean: I mean, that is my name. Everybody knows my name... I've only been myself online.
Dick: Is being a fucking idiot, in this case, an excuse, if you're a lawyer? Ignorance isn't... you can't just say, "Oh, you know, I just kinda put people in quotes sometimes."
Sean: They're supposed to not be ignorant.
Nick: No, and I mean, I guess it's...
Dick: Or they're not supposed to be lawyers-
Nick: Your argument would be, "Well no, sorry, I'm just really terrible at this." Most lawyers don't make that argument, although I guess it could happen.
Dick: So, what are the odds that his lawyer knew Maddox was lying in the first place, and what would you do... what would you say as a lawyer if your client was withholding this information?
Nick: Man, it's a tough call because advising him to sign that affidavit...
Dick: That seems totally fucked to me!
Nick: ...that's advising him to break the law, like to admit to a crime, [laughs] so...
Dick: You can't take the fifth anymore, motherfucker! You already signed it away!
Dick: It didn't seem to gain anything because everything that Heather... going back and re-reading the Heather emails and imagining Maddox sitting there in a wig- I actually have a picture of it.
Dick: Let me see, let me bring it up on the screen. Sean, have you seen this picture?
Sean: Like this is some great plan.
Dick: Yeah, have you seen this picture?
Sean: God, he's so fucking... He's so goddamn dumb.
Dick: CallOfTheDeep drew a picture of Maddox getting into character as Heather S.
Sean: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dick: "Would you cuck me? I'd cuck me."
Sean: Fucking Buffalo Bill.
Dick: Except he'd be reading it in the dumb fan voice, right? "Would you cuck me? I'd cuck me. I'd cuck me hard." Have you seen this, Nick?
Nick: Yeah. Sadly.
Dick: It's disgusting, it's disgusting.
Nick: It's great, but it's horrifying.
Dick: It's absolutely horrifying, dude. And it's actually... it's more fit than Maddox is, I think-
Sean: The tagline of this show. "It's great, but it's horrifying."
Dick: Yeah. Anyway... so there's...
Dick: Go ahead.
Nick: The problem with this case is, when you perpetrate a falsehood on the court, and this is shown in Almeciga, which is- funnily enough- is actually used as a citable case for Rule 11 sanctions because the judge wrote a big treatise on it. But one of the possible sanctions for this is dismissal of the action.
Nick: And that's what happened in Almeciga. The judge basically said, "Because you've lied so much about this, we can't maintain the action."
Nick: And I think, at this point...
Sean: Aren't you there?
Nick: I think it would just take someone asking.
Nick: But, the other problem... oh sorry, go ahead...
Dick: So, could Maddox go to jail for this? That's what I wanna know. Is someone else... Are we gonna be joking about him getting raped? Is that... right?
Nick: [laughs] I would not advocate joking about Maddox get raped, in any fashion-
Dick: Of course not.
Nick: No, but, it's possible... it's unlikely. So the impersonation in the second degree, is a misdemeanor. So it's unlikely that they would extradite him from California to New York to... bring him in for that.
Sean: It'd be great if he's the only one getting sued in New York at the end of this.
Nick: Yeah. [laughs]
Dick: I don't think Asterios has a choice but to sue him because, think about you getting brought in to your boss and the head lawyer of your PR company. No matter what, you're fucked. Like, no matter what... I know the basics of how marketing and PR work.
Dick: Let's pretend that I know the basics of it. It is so hard to jockey for that position where you're the client-facing guy and you're the producer of your creative. It's so difficult to do that, on a whim, you could be... your future, and this role in your company can be revoked. Just because, if the client has the slightest amount of distaste for you, or something around you, or there's a tiny hint of anything bad, you're fucking gone.
Dick: The whole nature of the business is keeping clients in a state of euphoria. It's like keeping them in an eternal wedding night state of mind, where everything is new and everything is brilliant and the future with you is going to be golden. There is no "Well, you gotta understand." There's none of that. It all goes one way. So, in my opinion, I don't see how Asterios doesn't have a gigantic countersuit when all this is done. And in New York-
Nick: Right, and...
Dick: Go ahead...
Nick: Frankly, one thing to say quickly is that Weber Shandwick deserves some credit for keeping him employed through this. I hope they continue to keep him employed afterwards, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's not once this is all blown over, but it just points one more finger towards the lack of foresight and consistent bad decision making of Maddox, that he tried to rope in a giant PR firm thinking that they wouldn't fight this as absolutely hard as possible.
Dick: And that they might know something about PR.
Nick: Right. [laughs]
Sean: And that they might have, like, some decent lawyers, you know? Like a publicity company with locations in, like, forty fucking countries!
Sean: Forty fucking countries and this fucking idiot thinks he can rope in a lawyer from them and just get them to go, "Oh yeah, we'll totally give you a quote! We don't have to verify anything..."
Dick: And for your co-Plaintiff, you'd like to make that out to cash, right? Because you don't want to give us her name.
Sean: Are you kidding!
Sean: You could take a random person off the street, jam an ice pick in their ear, scramble their brains, and they wouldn't be as stupid as Maddox is in this.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. It's the worst-
Nick: It's mind-blowing.
Sean: It is, it's mind-blowing!
Dick: Of the many parties involved, it's Patreon, whom he already has a contract with, that stipulates very specifically how these legal matters are to be resolved... He didn't even cancel his Patreon with them before suing them! He has an active relationship with them.
Sean: As Nick pointed out, right?
Sean: Yeah. They gave him enough rope to hang himself.
Dick: I mean, so fucking dumb. Then he sues a PR juggernaut... who has armies working on the science and the art of public relations. He sues them over a public relations matter, right?
Dick: And then he sues me, a guy who has no reason to do any... no reason to answer to... who has no master! Who will say anything! Who knows every single fucking... I know who he's named after, I mean, I know dirty fucking... Here's one for you... The book 'I Am Better Than Your Kids', where it's all the kids' artwork that Maddox makes fun of. I hope that he's got all of his releases in order for that artwork because I have a feeling that it might have been grifted from a bunch of schoolchildren who are not aware of it, who did not sign releases. So, I really hope that he got his shit together in that one, you know what I'm saying? Then I don't have access who might fucking know exactly where all that art from children came from.
Nick: Right, that wouldn't be... I mean, you know, that's...
Dick: You know what I'm saying? The worst person in the world to sue!
Nick: New York Times Bestseller. There had to be some money made there, and you would think that there would be some sort of, either release or some sort of agreement-
Dick: Yeah, it was $200,000. That's what he got for that book, spread out in installments, spread out in three installments. You get 60 grand up front, 60 when you turn in the manuscript, and then 60 on like, account of publication or something like that, and it's the last big deal he'll ever get, and his editor told him that to his face because it bombed so hard, because it was fucking terrible. See, this is miles of goss! Miles! Because my mind is like a steel fucking trap! I never misremember or forget one fucking thing! Oh...
Sean: Pretty good for an aside!
Dick: Pretty good for an aside, right?
Nick: Yeah, I think so.
Dick: So, I don't know, I lost my... I get so upset, I lose my train of thought.
Sean: I did too because it's just the preposterousness of him suing a public relations juggernaut like that.
Nick: Well, and I think Sean mentioned earlier, or maybe it was the pre-show, but you were talking about how every single thing he's accusing anyone else of, he does.
Nick: And not only has he done them, he still does them, or he authorizes it, or whatever. I mean, the fact that he included the affidavit of that other person-
Dick: Yeah, on his network.
Nick: Yeah, that was just... that was stunning, as well. To admit to... what could absolutely amount to stalking in New York... under the statute.
Sean: Yeah, you went through that... It was stalking in-
Nick: It's fourth degree stalking.
Sean: The number four, I was gonna say, yeah, stalking in the fourth degree, yeah.
Nick: The problem with that person, though, is that person happens to live in New York and do business in New York-
Dick: What a shame!
Nick: So they wouldn't have to extradite him to charge him with anything.
Dick: I just need to trick Maddox to go to New York so we don't have to extradite him.
Nick: Well, he might have to show up for one of these... for a hearing.
Dick: Oh, really?
Nick: It's possible that if the judge wants to hear something on the matter, he could request both... well, him and all the other parties to show up, and they may allow them to appear by representation, but they may not. Especially for him, since he demanded to sue in that forum and said it would be convenient for him-
Nick: -and has argued vehemently so, I would suspect that a judge would be happy to bring him in, especially if he was planning on sanctioning him-
Dick: Oh god, yes.
Nick: -or exercising the court's jurisdiction, he'd want him there for it.
Dick: I need to get some action on this... I need to start putting money on the outcome of this. Is that legal, Nick?
Dick: To bet on... Well wait, it's not legal to bet, is it ... Fucking America. Fucking America, man, fucking America! You can pretend to be a woman online and email someone's job, but you can't bet on a court case!
Sean: You're not supposed to do the first one either, but-
Nick: You should check with Kian about that, I'm not familiar with California law on betting...
Dick: I need to see some action!
Nick: ...but personal bets are not gambling in the state of Minnesota-
Nick: So they may not be gambling in the state of California, you just gotta check how the statute is worded.
Nick: Organized gambling is one thing and using a bookie to make bets, that's one thing...
Dick: That's another thing...
Nick: ...but personal bets between people in Minnesota are not criminalized-
Dick: Oh, I didn't know that-
Nick: So they may not be criminalized there.
Dick: All right. Well, you got anymore questions for Nick? Nick, you got a lego guy. Did you see that?
Sean: Oh, that's cool-
Nick: I have been looking for the link, I haven't found it yet.
Dick: Go to dick.show/fan-art. I've got everything up there.
Nick: Ok, I'll find it on there.
Sean: What cracked me up, Nick, on your stream, had nothing to do with your analysis- which, we're all getting a hell of a legal education, and you've said this before, Dick-
Dick: It's unreal.
Sean: Nick, you really are, you're so good at breaking it down for somebody like me who does not speak legalese or anything like that, because it really, it's all about logic... but you put it in a way that's so easy to digest.
Dick: And without swearing!
Dick: I can't believe I can pay attention for three hours and he doesn't drop one curse word! He even changes curse words!
Nick: Yeah, I try to because my kids all have iPads, so...
Sean: Yeah, probably good, you know. They're gonna learn it. They don't need to hear it from you all the time, probably. But one of the people on the board said, "Heather S is an anagram for "rats hehe", and I fucking lost my mind.
Sean: I lost my mind. The top autists that are associated with this show and now you... that just fucking killed me. I had to pause.
Dick: Here's Nick Rackets' lego man.
Sean: Oh, look at that!
Nick: Oh, nice! [laughs]
Dick: And then I think this is Kian on the right, because he's got "America's..."- I don't know who this gentleman is in the middle who's angry and has a bottle of liquor with-
Nick: I bet that that's Raf Eduardo.
Dick: And a pack of dogs following him around. He looks like he's beat to hell-
Nick: Raf is a prosecutor and he's a fan of the show. He sent you a letter a long time ago when he had just graduated from law school.
Dick: I remember that, I remember that.
Nick: Yeah, that's probably him.
Dick: Yeah. I think he also asked a question... how he could study more better, while he was studying for the bar, and I just told him to move shit around in his apartment...
Nick: Oh no, oh no...
Sean: I don't remember this.
Nick: ...it might be Landau.
Sean: Oh no, I think it is, with the dogs.
Dick: I knew who it was, guys.
Nick: Oh no, I am so sorry, Raf. Don't sue me. If you do, I'll win.
Dick: No, no, no, all right. Anything make you a rage, Nick, that you wanna drop on us?
Nick: Yeah, man. Well, first, you're taking many of my rages, but I've got a different one today and that's weed.
Nick: Weed in general, and not because of people who use weed or anything like that. I don't, but at this point, why in God's name is that not a legal substance yet? Because...
Dick: Grows in a yard.
Nick: The background of this is I'm writing a motion right now to dismiss because... three of my clients are charged with ownership of hemp oil, the garbage you can buy at any hippie store in town.
Nick: They're charged with felonies for owning this stuff because the cops in my town have nothing better to do.
Sean: Yeah... see, that wouldn't happen here...
Dick: It's crazy what humans will do to one another if we can write it down on paper first.
Sean: Yeah... makes it official.
Dick: You see that guy, you wanna throw him in prison for the rest of his life, and make his kids grow up without a dad because...
Sean: Just write it down... and now it's real.
Dick: ...he likes to get high, while you're driving around drunk like a lunatic, like "Oh, well, yeah, but I wrote it on the paper, and the paper says that I have to do it."
Dick: Like, hey you stupid motherfucker.
Sean: It is amazing.
Dick: It's a person, that you're doing this to, a person! Fuck you!
Sean: Well, it depersonalizes it.
Nick: And if anyone wants to know why weed should be legalized- and again, I don't do weed, I don't care about it. I have no vested interest in it, but if you want to know why, just look at the amount of people in jail because of it. It's a stunning percentage. Something north of 60%, I believe, is related to marijuana directly.
Sean: Yeah, it's crazy.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you this. It's also the amount of cops that there are... the amount of cops and the militarization of said cops that is required because we've built an army of illicit dealers... who need to protect their extralegal activities with their own army.
Dick: What we've done to the police is turn them from Andy Griffith and Rooster Cogburn- champions of good and right- into a massive, bothersome inconvenience on all of our lives because of drugs. It's because of fucking weed. We did this to them.
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah. The war on drugs has caused... incredible amount of death and money spent.
Dick: And annoyance! It's warped. It's turned police from something that we needed and loved into... it's like... inbreeding dogs. You started with a nice, useful dog, but now you got a Dalmatian who's high-strung and will kill you. That's what we did to cops!
Nick: [laughs] Pretty much. The other aspect of it... is that everything that we develop... This is the other problem... everything that we develop as a useful tool for the law enforcement that we want, like fighting terrorism or whatever... it's all got this back sort of motive... to get to people for weed. And make no mistake, it's weed. Someone on Twitter the other day was talking about how Best Buy, I guess, is cooperating with the FBI with the Geek Squad, and they're searching people's computers for kid porn or something, and they're like, "Oh, I'm fine with that." It's like well-
Dick: And when they find weed, they also send that along?
Nick: Yeah, well, that's the thing. It's like...
Dick: ...find weed in your- Sean's shitting his pants right now. [laughs]
Nick: ...you're fine with the kid porn being stopped. But it's gonna be used for weed.
Dick: Sean just destroyed his hard drive in his pocket.
Dick: He pulled it out and broke it in half and looked over his shoulder for the Geek Squad.
Nick: That's where I keep my...
Dick: And he said "I'm not looking over my shoulder for Dan Rather!"
Sean: I keep my weed in my hard drive.
Dick: I know you do... Sorry, Nick, keep going.
Nick: No, it's fine. It's just that... this all boils down... every single one of these surveillance policies and stuff that we like... The Patriot Act... all of this boils into... it's gonna be used to find someone with drugs and take their kids away, or some other garbage like that.
Dick: Take them away from their kids, so much worse.
Dick: If we could talk about race and crime, let's fucking start there. Well, how many black dads did you round up with this shit, who are doing the only thing they fucking can to feed their family, because you sent all their jobs to China so you could save $300 a year-
Sean: Yeah. How many did you round up?
Dick: You privileged white fuck! Millions of them-
Sean: Most of them. Most of them.
Nick: It's a shocking number-
Dick: You created a culture for them, by the way. You created this culture for them. They didn't do it themselves. You did it. To them.
Nick: And so, weed makes me a rage. That's it.
Dick: Good one.
Dick: It's a good one. All right, man. What's your over-under for when this is all gonna be done?
Nick: I'm hoping we see a ruling on Asterios's motion this coming week. It could be as early as this week-
Dick: Wait, whoa, what? Really?
Nick: Yeah. So, believe it or not, Greenberger's response was almost a month ago already.
Dick: Oh my God!
Nick: And I believe...
Dick: I couldn't believe it...Madcucks didn't get served. Madcucks' 120 day window expired this week.
Dick: It's been three fucking months.
Sean: So he's clear?
Dick: So he's clear.
Dick: Yeah. He can go right back to harassing.
Sean: He's named and was never served...
Dick: Never served.
Sean: It's gone.
Dick: Total bullshit scare tactic to get him to stop being Madcucks.
Dick: And to get him to probably hate me.
Sean: Well, didn't work.
Dick: Didn't work! Because he's not made of estrogen.
Nick: And, you know, when you combine it with, just, raw incompetence...yeah.
Dick: So Asterios this week?
Nick: It could be. It could be this week. I'm not 100% sure on how New York procedure works, but the way it works around here is, once you have all of the documents on a motion, the judge typically takes 30 days tops to issue an order. Now, they're judges, so if they take a little longer, they take a little longer.
Dick: That's fine.
Nick: ...It's the commercial court, so... the expectation is they movie quickly and I think that 30 day window from Greenberger's response motion is coming up.
Nick: And that should be hilarious.
Dick: What about me? When am I gonna get off?
Nick: You've still got a couple weeks because I think your response was the week before last.
Nick: So you should have probably two weeks left.
Dick: Fuck! Okay.
Nick: I don't know how they could maintain the motion, but I would suspect you're out of there, but who knows.
Dick: Okay... A couple weeks...
Nick: Who knows, man, with judges involved... it all is in a human's hands, so...
Dick: Well... as long as they take their time to make the right decision, I'm happy, whatever they... That's what we're going with. That's what we want to happen... them to take as much time as they need to read the docs and get all the LOLs out of their system, and then make the call that's fair and just.
Sean: Take their pants to the dry cleaners to get the pee stains out of them.
Dick: What about... there's also Jordan Cope, man...
Nick: Weber's response is due, I think on the 27th of this month. They negotiated a little longer response and I expect it to be absolutely devastating.
Dick: Oh, good.
Nick: Because their first one was brutal.
Nick: And then Landau came out with... another 30 page rambling.
Dick: Oh yeah, let me read that quote...
Sean: He's like the little shit that talks shit to the big guy who just doesn't want any trouble or whatever, and the big guy just pulverizes him with one punch, and then as the big guy turns around to walk away from it, the little fucker kicks him, like, from the ground.
Sean: And it's like, well, now I've gotta...
Dick: ...Now I've gotta really embarrass you.
Sean: Now I gotta put my thumb in your eye until it turns to jelly, you know?
Dick: Not every Israel has a United States, I think is what you're saying, to save them.
Nick: It depends on how closely Weber's lawyers are following this. I assume very closely, mainly because of who they are. But if they catch that thing in the affidavit, I would suspect that they'll be pushing for the sanctions in their response motion.
Dick: Oh, wonderful! Okay... I just wanted to read the intro to that ramshackle affair. "Plaintiff's opposition brief is a ramshackle affair." That's lawyer speak for "shit-show." This is a ramshackle- My dear, this is a ramshackle affair, what you've built here. "25 pages long, much of which..."
Sean: It's a very Seussian word.
Dick: Yeah- "much of which is single-spaced." That's the ultimate lawyer fuck-up, right?
Dick: Not getting your spaces correct... "Much of which is single-spaced." [laughs]
Dick: Need I say more? That's a lawyer mic drop... "Containing a plethora of case citings but making only a handful of actual arguments..." All right man, I gotta go. Thank you for calling in.
Nick: Yeah, thanks as always, guys.
Dick: Thank you for doing these things.
Sean: See you, Nick. Great job.
Dick: Hey, what's your Patreon at?
Nick: Patreon is at 732, I think right now-
Dick: What? Wow!
Nick: Yeah, it's doing great.
Dick: Way to go. Your other videos are great, too. I always mean to tell you that.
Nick: Thanks a bunch! Yeah, if you don't watch them, do. [laughs]
Dick: What does your wife think about all this?
Nick: At first, she was a little uneasy, but-
Dick: Then she saw the money, right? Then she saw the Patreon, and thought, "Ka-boing!"
Nick: Well, then she popped up on one of the live streams and got a very good response, and that's been great. Of course, you know, obviously, your show fans are awesome, just in general.
Dick: Yeah they are.
Nick: We've been having a lot of fun with it. So we're literally trying to make a product that people want to keep consuming, so we take a lot of good feedback, and she's starting to have fun with it, I think she's [inaudible] all the non-live stream LOLsuit videos, so...
Dick: Okay, you're starting to break up a little bit at the end there.
Nick: Oh, sorry about that.
Dick: But that's awesome, it's good to see her on there. Very pretty, Sean.
Sean: Yeah, I know.
Dick: I don't want to say anything appropriate, but...
Sean: I know, I've seen her!
Dick: ...very beautiful woman.
Nick: She is gorgeous.
Sean: That's absolutely true.
Dick: Eyes like the sea... Blue as the summer sky... is what I would say. Wait, are her eyes blue?
Dick: All right. Bye Nick!
Sean: See ya.
Nick: See ya later...
Dick: Yeah. I'm gonna play another song.
Sean: He really is very good...
Sean: It's so difficult to do... I can't do what you do and I can't do what he does, but I do understand how difficult it is to sit there and be engaging... solo for that many hours.
Dick: He's great.
Sean: While reading legal documents!
Dick: Reads them through... He makes a lot of broad points too, about what he's reading and what it means and what's in the mindset of people who are doing it, and what they thought would happen, and what will probably happen.
Sean: That's what I was attempting to say when he was on... which was... the analogies he makes...
Sean: Make it easily understood for anybody.
Dick: Okay, this was sent in by Peach... 'Nobody's Heather', I think, like 'Nobody's Better', 'Nobody Does It Better'? I think she has 'Nobody Does It Heather'.
Dick: Here we go, and then I'm gonna get to Grant.
Peach: Nobody knew I was Heather.
Peach: An empowered journalist.
Peach: Completely secret, no one even dared suspect it. It's me, I'm a male feminist!
Dick: [laughs] Ooh!
Peach: Because I'm secretly Maddox, posing as a woman.
Peach: Don't tell anyone, but I secretly like it.
Peach: But an affidavit confirmed the truth that I'm tucking it in my butt every night.
Peach: But... nobody knew I was Heather. Especially real Heather S.
Dick: "Heather Ass"
Peach: I'm suing for fake crimes, while committing actual crimes.
Peach: I wrote those emails wearing a dress. I'm claiming harassment, while doing actual harassment.
Peach: It's almost like I'm a big, jealous asshole.
Peach: To add insult to injury, I'm committing perjury. Pretty sure that is a Class D Felony.
Dick: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. [sings along] Nobody knows I was Heather!
Peach: Nobody knew I was Heather, despite glaring flaws in my plan. Nobody's Heather's half as good as I am. Baby, baby, I'm not even, I'm not even a man.
Sean: Goddamn, so good. So good!
Peach: I'm not even a man.
Peach: I'm a bitch, I'm a cuck, not a man. I'm a cuck, I'm a coward, not a man.
Dick: This is what they do now, right?
Sean: I know.
Peach: Not even good enough to be a woman and I'm not a man. I'm a stupid asshole, not a man...
[Music fades out]
Sean: So fucking good.
Dick: Oh man.
Sean: Every time, I go, "You know, Peach is really talented..."
Dick: Peach remembered all the lyrics for that one, that's good.
Sean: ...and then I hear that stuff and I go "She's even more talented than you think she is."
Dick: Yeah, she is. She's gonna be out here next week. I'm gonna try to get her to do a piano...
Sean: Oh good. She'll come in then, right?
Dick: Yeah, she's coming in for St. Patrick's Day. Oh man, that's gonna be a rough one, and I want to try to get her to sing on the piano Twitch streams that I do.
Sean: Oh, there you go.
Dick: Last one sounded great. Had a couple problems but I wired the piano upstairs to the downstairs basement, instead of building this shit-box of wires... I'm like Pigpen. Wherever I go, there's just a cloud of wires...
Sean: I know.
Dick: ...and devices that remain, and it drives women insane. To be fair, it annoys me, but I can deal with it because I'm like Oscar the Grouch, except it's cables and devices. Those are my friends... that's where I belong. So, wherever I move in, whatever apartment I have or house I have... is almost instantly... it's like an alien that comes into your place and slowly starts transforming everything to be like an alien, you know?
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Except with me, it's just... wires start... you know... cables...
Sean: Tying themselves in knots.
Dick: Yeah, tying themselves in knots. So that's what the piano room was starting to look like upstairs. I was like, "I gotta stop this. I gotta fucking stop this-"
Sean: "I have a problem."
Dick: I got a problem, I can't live like this... they're gonna take my corpse out of here... somebody's gonna have to bring in the jaws of life to chop through all these cables to get to this guy...
Sean: Right, right.
Dick: ...and they're gonna say, "Well, what did he do? He looks like more... Oh my God, he's more cable than man," they're gonna say, "He's more computer than man." That's why they call me The 20 Million Dollar Man. So I got a bunch of cables to run them from the piano down to the studio...
Dick: Put those bitches in the wall, right? No problem. Put that shit in the wall. This is what you do...
Dick: ...when you plan. Get a bunch of cables, just run it down to the streamer in the studio. I got a brand new computer. Run it down there, right? Order a hundred foot... order a bunch of cables on Amazon, I get them, run them through the fucking house, plug them into the mixer. Japanese radio station, full volume. I can't get a fucking break, Sean.
Sean: Was he asking for dildos?
Dick: I mean, this is like, I'm out arguing with fat women... who are making the audacious and slanderous claim that I'm touching them, and then I come home and my wires in my house are broadcasting Japanese radio stations, but I got it figured out.
Sean: You do?
Dick: Yeah, it took all day. It took a lot of whiskey, but I got it figured out eventually.
Sean: Yeah. Well, that's good-
Dick: So she'll be here, hopefully. Yeah. Let me see if Grant Mooney's here. Speaking of wonderful musicians. Okay, Grant are you there?
Grant: [laughs] Yeah, sure. Yeah, can you hear me?
Dick: Yeah, man! What's up?
Grant: Oh, thank God!
Dick: You've had an unmistakable and undeniable impact on my life with your Titanic song.
Grant: [laughs] Thank you.
Sean: Every time I hear that, I think the Grant Mooney version.
Dick: You know what's fucked? When that Japanese radio station came in, they were playing the Titanic song.
Sean: Oh boy.
Dick: The first fucking... I plug it in and it starts going and I'm like "Am I in a fucking Truman Show, where a guy just gets shit on, or what? This is fucked! Where did this come from? Is this like a Japanese... all the rest is K-pop! And then they play 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion," I'm like, "What in the fuck?!"
Grant: Oh my God, that's hilarious.
Dick: ...By the way, this guy... he's a looker. You're like a personal trainer, right? Or something like that?
Sean: We met in Chicago!
Dick: All right, what have you got for us? What did you want to say? You called in, I forget why though.
Grant: No problem.
Dick: It's been a long day.
Grant: I've got a podcast that I've been working on.
Grant: It's me and my friend Kevin. He's an accomplished comedy writer from Chicago. He's worked on The Onion, he's worked on his own podcast.
Dick: What's the name of the podcast?
Grant: It's called 'Thought Cops.'
Dick: 'Thought Cops.' Great.
Grant: ...I know you guys have been talking about outrage porn and outrage culture a lot, the past couple episodes-
Dick: And outrage porn stars, dude!
Dick: Now they're taking our young, barely legal boys and girls and they're turning them out.
Grant: Nubile young children.
Dick: These outrage pimps, are turning our teenagers into outrage porn stars... using them up. The outrage industry uses them up. Yeah, go ahead.
Grant: That's all we talk about on the show is just different things that outrage people week to week. So far, we've been doing it for about a year, and we have not run out of things to talk about because every week, it's just... the outrage machine churns out more and more and more stupid shit to talk about.
Dick: So what was last week? Or what are your hits?
Grant: Our hits... I think one of my favorite ones lately... this was a couple weeks ago, but do you know the singer Lorde?
Grant: She was in some heat because she was supposed to play a concert in Israel and a lot of people were like, "Oh, don't play there. They're a colonialist entity that are oppressing the Palestinians" and Lorde's a 20 year old-
Dick: I don't think you need to add why you should be anti-Israel. Someone's either anti-Israel or they're not at this point. You don't need to give them a little bit of evidence. Like, "Oh, because they're colonial? Is that...? I've heard a lot more reasons why I should not like Israel. That's the only one you're going with? All right."
Grant: That's the basic gist of it because you have to remember that Lorde is a 20 year old pop singer that knows dick about the situation... her response to that was "Let me read up on it..."
Dick: [laughs] Stormfront.com.
Grant: "I'm gonna find out about it" and so she cancelled her concert in Israel. Immediately after she does that, a rabbi took a full page ad...
Sean: Here we go, yeah
Grant: ...out of a newspaper calling her anti-Semitic.
Grant: So, it's just like, one thing after another after another, and nobody gets a fucking break with it.
Grant: It's so fucking ridiculous.
Dick: Can't even think about it.
Sean: No... Just sends me into a fucking-
Dick: Oh, Israel's up to something? Let me read about it. Full page ad. Anti-Semite. [laughs] Okay. Oh man, I'm going to Israel. Two months.
Sean: Are you?
Dick: Yeah. I'm going to-
Grant: That means you're anti-Muslim, I think, or anti-Palestine. Something.
Dick: You know what? I'm anti-everything!
Sean: Can't you just be a tourist?
Dick: I'm anti-Israel too. Yeah, that's a good one. What else?
Grant: Just from the past couple weeks, I got McDonald's flipping its logo upside-down for International Women's Day.
Sean: Yeah, I knew that's what it was.
Dick: Oh, God.
Sean: I was like, what, it's gotta be for women, right?
Dick: Yeah, they're celebrating women being in the kitchen by how many employees they have.
Grant: We got Gucci...
Dick: They should celebrate by just serving salad all day... I don't know. I don't know why.
Grant: ...Gucci makes a line of culturally appropriative turbans that have Sikhs all over the world pissed off.
Grant: Just stuff like that.
Dick: Wait, Sikhs are pissed? I thought they were always nice. I thought they didn't care.
Sean: Don't fuck with their headgear-
Grant: Apparently...they're not. I don't know. It's either them or someone else.
Dick: Man, fuck them... check your hat privilege, dude. That is a cool fucking hat. The turban? You're telling me that no one could wear... Both Sikhs and Native Americans... fuck you. That is a cool hat that you guys lucked into because, whatever... Your ancestors thought it would be cool to kill a bunch of birds and decorate their hats, or wrap a towel... or wrap a bed sheet... one time, a guy in wherever... Arabia... didn't know that the fitted sheet and the normal sheet are both supposed to go on the bed. He's like, "Well, what do I do with this square sheet that doesn't fit? Just wrap it around my fucking head..."
Sean: Just get it out of the way-
Dick: ...and people are like, "That's fucking awesome. I want one of those." Just because of that guy, none of us can have your cool hats? Fuck you, man. Fuck you!
Sean: Thousands of years ago, he had a fitted sheet. That's what I take away from this.
Dick: [laughs] Yeah, yeah.
Sean: That's what's funny to me. He had a fitted sheet, he's like "Well, this clearly fits over something. I'm gonna take just the flat one and just put it on my head. Ooh this is nice!"
Dick: He went to Target in Agrabah.
Sean: Yeah. [laughs]
Dick: You don't think that's an easy invention? The sheet keeps coming off at night and the hay sticks me in my nuts. I'm just gonna fit it.
Sean: The hay sticks in my nuts!
Dick: I could stick it in my nuts...
Sean: Which corner does the tag go in?
Sean: I always forget, goddammit!
Dick: They killed him. They killed him before he could invent that.
Sean: I don't know which is the length and which is the width. I'll never figure it out.
Dick: Guy woke up with a piece of straw sticking out of his pee hole and he said, "That's enough! I'm inventing the fitted sheet today! Today!"
Sean: Enough's enough!
Dick: And his wife is like... one of his wives is like, "You've been threatening that for a long time," because... you know, it's the Middle East, Sean...
Sean: That's right.
Dick: ...so, many wives. That's what I'm saying.
Sean: That's right, many wives.
Dick: [clears throat] We call them girlfriends in... the Western civilization.
Dick: Of course, of course, of course. Okay. You got anything else, Grant? You're a good news babe.
Grant: [laughs] Thank you.
Grant: This is basically all we do on the show, also. It's like... some of these things are so easy to talk about. Literally, all you have to do is say the article headline...
Grant: ...and it's funny in and of itself.
Sean: Off to the races.
Grant: There's very little work you have to do to make something like that funny.
Dick: Yeah. I mean, they've... really honed it down to a science.
Grant: One of my favorite ones... this is recent... this is as of a day ago...
Grant: Bruno Mars-
Dick: -Wait, Sean's laughing. What are you laughing at?
Sean: I thought that was a... you said "they"...
Dick: Oh yeah, I did.
Sean: [laughs] Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Dick: Bruno Mars did what?
Grant: Bruno Mars... there's now an argument online whether or not he's appropriating black music because he's not black...
Dick: He's not black?
Grant: ...but he plays music that's in the style of Michael Jackson and Prince and stuff like that-
Dick: Wait, what is he?
Grant: He's like... half Filipino, half Latino... He's mixed race.
Dick: Oh! Oh, I thought he was black.
Grant: I thought he was black, too.
Dick: Huh. So, he's...
Dick: Yeah, you know what? Make music just as shitty and selfish as everything else. Take out the collaboration and the evolution of it and just ruin it. Fuck you.
Grant: One of the gimmicks for our show is to try and find some sort of... a solution to the problem because obviously...
Dick: Oh, that's a good gimmick! [laughs]
Grant: ...whether or not he's guilty of appropriation or not, he's pissing people off, he's offending people, so we always try and find some sort of sentence for him.
Dick: Oh, I see. Okay.
Grant: So, for instance, we would say "Okay well, it's..."
Dick: Because you're the police. You're the 'Thought Cops'-
Grant: Yeah, because we're the 'Thought Cops', so we would say, "Well now, from now on, he has to paint his face black and draw big red lips on and hopefully that makes everyone happy."
Dick: Nope. Not gonna work.
Grant: That would be a sentence for Bruno Mars.
Dick: That's not gonna work, Grant.
Dick: Send that one back to the thought... this is why they're 'Thought Cops' and not 'Thought Judge and Jury.'
Sean: I gotcha. Right.
Dick: 'Thought Judge' is never gonna make a call like that... all right man, thank you for all your music.
Grant: Yeah, absolutely.
Dick: We'll check it out. What... ThoughtCops.xxx?
Dick: ...ThoughtCops.net. All right man, take it easy.
Grant: Yeah. Thanks for having me on. You too.
Sean: See ya.
Dick: Yeah, thank you.
Sean: 'Thought Cops'...
Dick: I like that guy.
Sean: I do too.
Dick: A little bit better job reading the news than our last personal trainer news babe.
Sean: [laughs] That's right, he's a personal trainer, right?
Dick: [laughs] Yeah. Sorry Jamie.
Dick: Okay. I think that's it... I've got some more songs. I'll play one for the break.
Sean: All right.
Dick: Oh! You remember my cuck bounty? To prove that Maddox is a cuck for that bounty?
Dick: If someone has slept with Mental Jess while her and Maddox are dating?
Dick: I got a hit on that. I don't wanna talk about it anymore than that, but...
Sean: You save it for two hours into the show to throw that little fucking...
Dick: Nah...Sean...you know...
Dick: Got a hit.
Dick: I don't know. Could be bullshit. Could be a LARPer.
Dick: But, I'm taking it very seriously.
Sean: All right, well...
Dick: I gotta do my best to defend Asterios.
Sean: You do what the great magnet tells you to do.
Dick: It's getting stronger every day.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I think I'm getting close to it!
Dick: I'm gonna find that fucking thing sooner or later. Oh, I also said I would tell the story of Maddox posing as a reporter. Fuck, man.
Sean: Do you wanna tell the story?
Dick: No. I want to hear from Captain Jackass. I'll tell it next time.
Sean: Got it.
Dick: I'll tell it next time, I swear... or I'll tell it on a bonus episode. You wanna do a bonus episode this week? Can you?
Dick: Okay, let's do a bonus episode. I'll tell it then.
Sean: Yeah. I'm pretty sure I can this week.
Dick: Okay, okay. I'll do it then, I promise. Okay, everybody. Thanks for listening. This has been The Dick Show. Dick.show, TheDickShow.com, Patreon.com/TheDickShow. Head to shop.dick.show to pick up T-shirts from Portland, signed copies of 'Men Are Better Than Women,' bunch of shirts... I think I'm gonna stick Sean's shirt up there...
Sean: Oh yeah?
Dick: Everyone's asking for it... Matt Miller from Matt Miller Ink has made a couple cool ones.
Dick: Yeah. I think I'm gonna start doing limited edition shirts, where you just order them... we let people order for a month and then send them out.
Sean: That's pretty cool.
Dick: Yeah. So I don't have to keep inventory then... I got some crank calls from the Phone Losers to play next week, too, and I'm gonna have them call in. He got fucking railed by the system.
Dick: He got found guilty of a felony prank calling.
Sean: That's a thing?
Dick: Dude... he disappeared for awhile because he got brought in by the fucking law.
Sean: What'd he call The White House or something?
Dick: [laughs] He called the wrong piece of shit, I guess.
Sean: I guess.
Dick: People have no fucking sense of humor. We take that for granted.
Sean: I know, I know.
Dick: If you have a sense of humor. There are people who literally don't.
Dick: They don't have the capacity.
Dick: ...and it's not because they're weird Rain Mans. They're normal people. They just don't get jokes. MyRoom Records is calling in next week, too. He's got an album that he's releasing...
Sean: Oh, right, right, right!
Dick: 'Too Small of an Album.' You can get it for pre-sale right now...
Sean: That's right.
Dick: ...on Amazon.
Sean: Yeah, he opened the Portland show.
Dick: He did. He's great.
Sean: Yeah, he's a cool guy.
Dick: He is a cool guy. And his merch girl was on point... his merch people were on point, Diego said.
Dick: This is from emceedumbfakealiasname...this is from Elay Arson... 'Podcast God'... It is. See you next Tuesday.
Elay: Fuck Mikey Bolts. Look, I was gonna go easy on you... but this ain't no Mikey Bolts skit...and try not to hurt your feelings, but I'm only gonna get this one chance. Because there's something wrong with you and I can feel it. I'm more clever than a Stewie impression. Like, Jane Doe stuck a GI Joe up your ass and no one ever pulled it out so... instead of a dog bite lawyer, I'm gonna be your doctor and pull that out right for you. Here we go. Put on these gloves... You're just what the doctor ordered! I'm beginning to feel like a Podcast God, cast God. Feeling of a sense of pride, affirmative nod. Everything in this world is a subset of a box. Everyone is getting sued by Maddox. Here comes king cuck, he's running. For the podcast crown, he's gunning. Got no hair like Dick Master and genes unfair, but his stupidity is stunning. I've got no love left when you sue for half a billion, man. Make Dick into The 20 Million Dollar Man.
Elay: Thought you wrote a book on manliness, man. What new words will you try to ban, you bitchy bald man? Ban me on Twitter. Your career in the shitter. Billboard charts left and right versus an NYT one-hitter. Straight up, no one likes you. Gays and dykes and bis too.
Elay: Whole rainbow coalition knows that rape list allegation ain't true. Throw in the towel, George, you are through. I got a subpoena, now I'm being sued. Wait, what? I'm being sued. Literally in the middle of this song. Fuck.
Elay: 20 million? Shit. Oh, it's for 400 million. Beginning to feel like a Podcast God, cast God. Fills me up with a sense of pride, affirmative nod. Everything in this world is a subset of a box and everyone in this world getting sued by Maddox. I was gonna do the fast part but I think I need a lawyer now, like, for real. I'm gonna go do that. I'm gonna go get a lawyer that's better than Kevin Landau.
Elay: All right, bye. I'm leaving now. Bye.
[Music fades out]
Dick: All right, all right, all right, all right. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Elay... Let's get some news! Let's get that Facebook news.
[Captain Jackass Facebook Group News]
CJ: Hello Dick and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook Group News for the last couple days. Ian Eisenberg wanted to know if he was the only degenerate who shaves their private regions and their face using the same razor.
CJ: To many Dickheads' surprise, this was an overwhelming 16 to one ratio in favor of using the same razor. Dickheads said, "It's totally fine, but you just gotta make sure you shave your face first," because not many users within the group are willing to buy two separate razors.
Sean: What happens to the next time?
CJ: A monumental decision within the Facebook Group. Nearly 400 Dickheads casted their votes in what would be one of the most important decisions they have ever had to make. Ass versus cans.
CJ: Some voters were upset by the exclusion of hips, thighs, and vagina.
CJ: Nevertheless, the final votes are in.
Dick: Who's a vagina man?
CJ: Cans with 166 votes and ass with 208. James Barr correctly pointed out that although everything is a contest, not everything has a winner. Finally, we will end with Mike Culbert, who, for the past month...
Dick: I forgot to ask Nick how he jerks off.
CJ: ...has been posting updates regarding his receptionist at work, which we previously covered on The Dick Show Facebook Group News. To summarize, the receptionist had a panic attack after a wheel in her chair jammed...
CJ: ...Botched an appointment time and then told the client on the phone to stop wasting her time with stupid questions.
CJ: Booked appointments throughout an entire week where said agent is on vacation. Then, when having to call these clients back, forwarded all the calls to her boss and hid in the bathroom.
Sean: Oh wow.
CJ: Speaking of bathrooms, she has used that space to cry and shit simultaneously multiple times...
CJ: ...Fought with a deaf guy who was forced to speak against his will, and lastly, has been recently reassigned to the shredding room, where she will shred paper and stay the hell off the phone and out of the bathroom.
Dick: Hopefully she falls in.
CJ: Therefore, making Mike Culbert the new receptionist. This has been The Dick Show Facebook Group News for the last couple days.
Dick: Let me see if Captain Jackass is there. Hey, Captain Jackass, are you there?
CJ: Hey Dick.
Dick: Hey... great news, buddy. When you say "shave their pubes and their face," are you talking about clippers or with a razor?
CJ: Well, that would be people's personal preference. I do use an automatic razor but I'm sure some of the gentleman of the group would probably use the old shaving cream, but... they'd have to specify that.
Dick: They Bic it? They Bic it, do you think? They Bic their junk in there? Bic, like the disposable razor blade... maybe?
CJ: I mean, I personally don't do that. That's a little too risky for my liking, but I'm sure there are people that do that.
Dick: Okay. Let's have an investigation for the Facebook News.
CJ: Yeah, I'll figure that out for you, Dick, absolutely.
Dick: That would be great. Who in here is so degenerate that they are shaving their pubes entirely?
CJ: Well, a lot of people wanted to specify that they do clean it. There were people that tried to justify it, but I really think people are just too lazy and cheap to buy another razor. That's really what it came down to.
Dick: You know... I've found that... women who like it or don't like it is a grab bag.
Dick: That prefer it trimmed or not at all, and in fact, don't like it trimmed. Do you, Sean? You take the weedwackers to that bush you got going down in there?
Sean: Well yeah, there's maintenance. I don't use a razor or anything, though.
Dick: You use clippers?
Sean: Clippers... Yeah...
Dick: Moustache scissors down there?
Sean: ...to set the length and stuff.
Dick: Not me.
Dick: All 70's. The way God intended it.
Dick: Okay. Thank you. I would appreciate that.
CJ: Yeah, you got it.
Dick: Any other news items we need to get from Facebook, Sean? Wait, what happened to the fight? The Stove fight?
CJ: Well, Stove's been missing for about a week or two. He posted a picture on Instagram of him in a construction outfit holding signs, and we haven't heard from him since.
Dick: [laughs] I have heard from him. He went on Jamie Lynn Hughes's Instagram and asked her what her dad like and said she has nice shoes, and then her dad came on the thread and said that... he's armed and he rides a motorcycle and shoes are made of leather- something like that. He goes, "Thank you for your service."
Dick: Her dad's a veteran. He rides a motorcycle and he wears leather shoes and he goes, "Thank you for your service."
CJ: He got the answer he was looking for.
Dick: I've never seen somebody backtrack out of a... attempt to hit that- all right man, I really love your news segments. Thanks for doing them.
CJ: Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
Dick: What makes you a rage?
CJ: So, this is a little... rough, but when you're out to eat at Wendy's or Burger King, you wanna be left alone and you're there usually just to quickly get something and get out.
CJ: I've gone to Burger King, Wendy's, and Taco Bell, and they have... they hire on some people with disabilities, you know... retarded, autistic... and they're sweeping around and then they come up to you and they're just talking nonsense and... Look, if I'm on the street, I'll be nice to you. I'll be nice to anybody...
CJ: ...but I'm trying to eat, and the other day, in Wendy's, the... I don't know what you wanna call them... the custodian comes up to me and she's like, "When your birthday?"
CJ: Like, I... "November".
Sean: Oh boy.
CJ: "My birthday two weeks ago!" I'm like "Oh. Cool." You know, I'm just trying to eat and get out of there, I gotta deal with that bullshit. So, that's what makes me a rage.
Dick: Come on, man... Yeah. Is this necessary?
Sean: Everybody listening right now is making the same face that Dick and I are...
Dick: Yeah. Man, I know it's so fucking annoying but...
CJ: You can't go to the manager and tell them, "Hey, can you please get that person to stop talking to me?" because you're not that big of a shit-head.
Dick: Well, yeah, but also, they're making money by employing those people... I suspect that they're getting some kind of a subsidy or a stipend or something...
Sean: A program or something, sure.
Dick: ...to give people with disabilities jobs and it's like...
Sean: It makes sense.
Dick: "Look, motherfucker. I would like a share of that because I just did your fucking job for you. I was nice. I listened. I said when my birthday was."
Dick: "I want a cut. Send me a fucking cut."
CJ: There's only so much they can sweep in however big the Taco Bell or Wendy's is, it's just really redundant, and you know what? They're losing money because it makes me not wanna go in there and have to deal with that crap.
Dick: Yeah. You're not wrong, Captain Jackass.
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: All right, man. Have a good one.
CJ: Yeah, you too. Thanks Dick.
Dick: Keep on keeping the news hot. Oh, I wanted to ask him if he... wait, let me get him back on.
Sean: Is he still there?
Dick: Yeah, let's see... Hey, Captain Jackass, do you have any news experience or is this a new thing for you?
CJ: No, I've never done anything like this in my life. I just...
Sean: I love your delivery.
CJ: ...go on Facebook. I'm sorry, go ahead Sean.
Sean: Oh no, I'm sorry. I jumped right in.
Dick: He sounds professional, like a news guy.
Sean: I love the delivery. It sounds like a news guy, but it's almost like Kent Brockman.
Sean: But it's always like the end of a joke, you know? And then the man said, "If I had known it was that kind of party, I'd have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes. Back to you."
Dick: Yeah, it does sound like that!
Sean: It's great.
CJ: You know, it's just all this crazy stuff on Facebook and you just have to treat it... like, if you treat these crazy things on Facebook with respect and professionalism, the joke writes itself.
Dick: Yeah, it does.
Sean: Yeah, yeah. Very good, and your audio sounds really good now, by the way.
CJ: Yeah, I'm on the come-up, man-
Dick: Best audio in the fucking show-
CJ: This is big stuff for me, this microphone I got with a pop filter and everything.
Sean: Sounds great.
Dick: Which way did you vote in the tits or ass contest?
CJ: I voted for ass.
Dick: Yeah. I'm starting to see the light. I get it. I get it now. I'm maturing a little bit, I think.
Sean: Well, that's a real gun to your head conversation, too.
CJ: Well, it was close. It was percentage-wise, it was probably 45, 55.
Dick: It was Sam Hyde that changed my mind.
Dick: When Sam Hyde said...
Sean: Oh, that's right!
Dick: "Well, tits are like spaghetti or... eggs." I'm like... Hmm, they are a little bit...
Sean: But he also said-
Dick: He also said "Bomb the U.S. government", though.
Sean: He also said... most women have... their ass is good... something to that effect... like, you're very generous... there's a lot of bad asses out there...
Dick: You know, we don't need to quote him on everything... All right, man. Take it easy.
CJ: You too.
Sean: See ya.
Dick: I would like to see some more hard-hitting investigations.
Dick: Who shaves it all completely? Somebody does... or somebody's recently had crabs.
Dick: These are kind of things we uncover.
Dick: Okay, here we go.
Andrew: The Dick Show, this is Andrew [inaudible]. I'm still peeved about the whole popcorn thing... You can't get a good... handful of popcorn at even, like, the best... AMC or whatever theatre... whatever the hell generic cineplex, I don't know... You can't get good popcorn and...
Sean: It's true.
Andrew: ...the biggest travesty of the whole thing is you can see them brewing it. They're boiling popcorn right there, it's coming over the side like a delicious beer that some chick didn't know how to pour-
Dick: [laughs] Yeah.
Andrew: ...and you never get any of it. You see her go down to get the popcorn and your eyes go thermal. You can tell where the hot popcorn is and you know she's not going there...
Andrew: ...she's going for the cold, stale stuff...
Dick: They do every time.
Andrew: ...that's been in six trash bags. Every time.
Dick: Every time, they fuck you with the popcorn.
Sean: I'll ask them for the fresh stuff.
Sean: So that they have to... totally, visually disobey me, where I can see it...
Sean: ...to go over to that cold side.
Dick: You see how you dug the popcorn out of the very bottom?
Dick: Like you wanted the stinkiest clothes in the hamper?
Sean: That's the opposite of what I wanted.
Dick: Do it again. Do it like you're gonna eat it, you fucking idiot. Do it like you're gonna do it.
Sean: What do YOU want? What would you eat?
Dick: What would YOU eat? What have you just given me? You've given me horse food.
Sean: And it's still bad popcorn.
Sean: He's right. Movie theater popcorn... it sucks. I don't know what changed. Everybody went to the cheap shit or whatever, but I don't know. Maybe... when you're a kid, you think everything's better anyway. It was always shit, probably.
Dick: I don't know...
Sean: Everything's always been shit!
Dick: ...I eat a lot of popcorn.
Dick: I might know more about the taste and mouth-feel of popcorn than anything else.
Dick: Yeah. You're right, although...
Sean: That's a bold statement.
Dick: I've pushed my home popcorn making toward the movie popcorn.
Sean: Is that right?
Dick: I want the movie popcorn- yeah- to more closely resemble my home popcorn.
Sean: Yeah, well...
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Dick: Like, the real butter. Not that slime.
Sean: No, that's oil.
Dick: Not that popcorn-ruining slime. Disgusting.
Dick: Put a vending machine there! Put in a quarter and get a squirt of real fucking butter. We don't have to feed each other chemicals. We don't have to feed each other placebos. Let's just have a society where we're not feeding each other placebos all day and night. "You want some butter on that popcorn? Well, here's some oil that you might think is butter." Why don't you go fuck yourself? This is what you feed a dog. It's got a little picture of a cow on the front of it. There's no meat in there. It's just chalk, sawdust and other dogs. Don't do that to me. Don't call it artificial butter. It's slime.
Sean: Butter flavoring.
Dick: Disgusting. He's right. He's right, and they always pull the little grits on the bottom. Fucking assholes.
Caller: You want a fucking rage? I'll give you a fucking rage, all right? These motherfuckers who fucking argue with basic logic and basic science. Talking to someone about why homeopathy is bullshit and why the dilutions of their medications don't even contain the single molecules, so there's no physical way it could have any effect and they're telling me, "Hey, you know what? You can't prove that!" Yes, you fucking can, because it's absolute fucking logic. Goddammit! Fuck!
Dick: I think he's having an argument with somebody...
Dick: ...and then just went into the bathroom and then recorded that.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, yeah! Yeah.
Dick: And then walked out, "Oh, so everybody, time to... have some hors d'oeuvres- everybody ready for the main course?"
Dick: And then he goes in the bathroom and calls the show. "These fucking idiots!", "Ron, what are you doing in there?", "Nothing sweetie!" "Dick... this... my fucking wife... and my fucking homeopathy... this fucking stupid bitch... nineteen vials of supplements are filled with water...doesn't even have any molecules!"
Sean: "Fucking water! It says that water has a memory."
Tom: Hey, Tom McCoy here. Another thing that makes me a rage. Mission tortillas that stick to each other in the package. You paid for this, and you get into this luck of the draw where every now and then- fuck it- maybe 60% of the time, you'll just wind up with that shredded bullshit because they stick to each other.
Dick: Ruined... Two ruined tortillas-
Tom: Imagine the ATM, you get out a wad of 20's. They shred apart because they're glued together. "Oh, you should've been more careful!" Fuck you, Mission. All right, see you next Tuesday.
Dick: They do do that.
Sean: Yep, they do.
Dick: Spike the pack, and then every time you open it, you're dreading that... because you know that something happened that made those stick together in that pack.
Sean: They got too wet. Something happened-
Dick: Something happened. They were stored in an improper area, perhaps.
Sean: Yes, yeah.
Dick: [laughs] Could happen.
Caller: Dick. Makes me a rage being a socially awkward fuck. I just saw the biggest pair of tits I've ever seen in my life. This girl walks by- and I don't mean, like oh- they were, like, massive and saggy...
Dick: No reason to shame.
Caller: ...I mean, like, whoa. Like... They were like... two balloons...
Caller: ...on her chest. I'm ordinarily an ass man. She had like, no ass. Didn't matter. They were so good, they rewired my preferences, all right.
Caller: Just walking by.
Dick: She doesn't even know the effect she's had on this kid.
Caller: And I feel like if I was anyone else, I could've talked to her and I did not. I have not seen her on campus before. I don't even know if I'll see her again. I hope so. [inaudible] Bye.
Dick: That's a rough feeling to swallow... forever. You know? Could've done... I could've been a contender with those tits...
Sean: Yeah... I mean... There's a lot of things that have to happen, you know... but none of them are gonna happen if you don't talk to them-
Dick: -if you don't talk to them. You gotta be in it to win it, is what you're saying.
Dick: That's up to you. Man, "Nice shoes." That's a good one.
Sean: Throw your hat in the ring.
Dick: "We did it." That's another good one. "We did it."
Sean: Just randomly?
Dick: "We did it."
Sean: "We did it."
Dick: "Look at us, we did it."
Dick: "We did it!"
Dick: You gotta think of something eventually.
Dick: You know what I'm saying? Whatever works for you. Then it's all about what you look like. Do you look like a fucking weirdo? Then you're gonna have to take a weirdo... track. What does she look like? Where are you? Take it in another direction. "Nice shoes."
Sean: It's a good one.
Dick: "We did it."
Sean: "We did it."
Dick: "Look at us. Look at us, here we are. We did it! Look at us." Try it. Anything's better than nothing. "You wanna see my Pogs?" is better than nothing.
Dick: Pick something that you're going to say before you're in that situation because when you're in the situation, your mind is mush.
Dick: Your mind is working against you.
Sean: You need to go to your training bag.
Dick: Yeah. Exactly. Reflex memory.
Sean: Exactly. There's something in there.
Dick: Look at those fucking petition signing people. Look at the way they rope people in, because they're basically doing the same thing. "Hey, do you care about women learning how to code?" Nope.
Dick: But they work on people.
Sean: Yeah, they do.
Dick: You want to get to where you're going? What if you're at school? Hey, you want to get to class a little faster? Doesn't matter if it's a lie. Whatever... whatever! Those motherfuckers that make you sign the petition, right?
Dick: "Hey, do you care about celebrating women today?", "Me too." There you go. You're done. You're through that initial... whatever you say in that first initial awkward thing doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. "Hey, I have great news." That'll stop anybody. "Oh, and I like your shoes. I just got great news. I won the lottery.", "You won the lottery? How much?", "Seven bucks. Can I buy you half a beer?" [laughs]
Sean: How about "When is your birthday?"
Dick: Yeah. "When is your birthday?"
Dick: People can't avoid this shit.
Sean: Yeah. Especially if you're at a... Burger King, Wendy's, or Taco Bell.
Dick: Yeah. Captain Jackass! Everything is wrong with that! Whatever you think is wrong with you, more things were wrong with the janitor that's accosting Captain Jackass. He still sits there and answers the fucking question.
Sean: Right. Don't sweat it.
Dick: Don't sweat it so much. "Hey, when's your birthday?", "Me too!"
Sean: "Me Too."
Sean: That's the Me Too movement!
Dick: Yeah. Such a bad feeling, though. Wish you could fix it, but... gotta say something. Something positive. Don't write the whole story in your opening line.
Dick: It's just an opening line. "Call me Ishmael." Doesn't even talk about the whale. Right? "Call me Ishmael." Okay. I'm into that. "Let there be light." Doesn't talk about wiping Palestine out and establishing a Zionist state in the Middle East yet.
Sean: Well, I think it's-
Dick: [laughs] Right? It gets to that later. You know? You don't need to make it about your dick right away- you don't need to make it about who's getting fucked right away. "Let there be light!" [laughs]
Sean: I think it's "In the beginning..."
Dick: Wait, what? In the Bible?
Sean: Doesn't the Bible open "In the beginning"?
Dick: No man, 'Let There Be Light' is a book... That's a strong opener.
Sean: Yeah, but it's not the very first sentence.
Dick: I think it is- it's the title.
Dick: "Bible" is just in quotes, like "Rocket Man". I think it's gonna be a long, long time. Let me see! Actually, you might be fucking right.
Sean: But, I think that it's been re-translated, or more correctly translated, and the opening sentence is not near as eloquent.
Dick: As what, as the original Hebrew version?
Sean: As... well, no... as the... well the... it's... the original... yeah... uh...
Dick: How the fuck do I read the Bible online? I bet Nick knows it.
Sean: I think the King James Bible says "In the beginning, there was heaven and earth."
Sean: What is it?
Dick: You're right. It says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." That's terrible!
Sean: That's even a different translation than I know.
Dick: What the fuck?
Sean: That may be the latest and greatest.
Dick: Well, where's the "Let there be light" come in?
Sean: Well, that's... "And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light, and then God divided the light from the darkness," you know what I mean? He created day and night.
Dick: Racist. That's a dog whistle to the KKK if I've ever heard one.
Dick: [laughs] All right... I don't know the Bible as much as... Anyway, look. That's what you do. Don't tell the whole story in the first line.
Jake: Hey Dick, hey Sean, it's Jake from Pittsburgh.
Dick: What's up?
Jake: You know what makes me a fucking rage? This goddamn fucking fish holocaust we have to live through every fucking Friday in my town.
Sean: Fish holocaust.
Dick: [laughs] Yeah.
Jake: Every Friday during Lent...
Dick: In Pittsburgh? Oh!
Sean: Oh, Filet O' Fish Fridays.
Jake: What in the actual fuck is with this? I get it. I live in a town with a concentration of those weird Ukrainian and Hungarian Catholics, and a shitload of Romanian Catholics. Why the fuck do they all think their [inaudible] Jesus cares about whether or not they're eating fish every Friday? It would be different if it was good fish, but 10,000 people in one town don't eat good fish. They don't cook 10,000 of a good thing. It just doesn't fucking happen. So every Friday night...
Sean: Maybe Jesus made more.
Jake: ...for a month and a fucking half, I gotta deal with this fucking fish cloud over my entire city... because I got all these weird [inaudible] Catholics...
Dick: Oh, it smells like fish.
Sean: ...all those fucked up...
Jake: ...and all those other weird Eastern Blockers.
Sean: Weird cooking practices.
Jake: ...cooking, fucking, that pasta bread...[inaudible] fucking pirogies and onions.
Sean: With fish.
Jake: Nothing but this fucked up religious food all goddamn day, for an entire fucking day. The stink is everywhere, and every restaurant is just like, "Oh, come in for our fish specials!" Well, what the fuck else do you have?" What the fuck- "Well, we kind of filled our fridge with cod. I mean, if you want a steak, it's from yesterday. I don't know..."
Jake: It eliminates the possibility of going out and it's just shit fish...
Dick: Still talking about fish.
Jake: I don't fucking want fish. I'm not that big a fan. Give me a good seared Steelhead steak and then maybe we're talking...
Dick: Okay. Yeah.
Jake: ...but dude, these fucking people just love to care about what the hell the man in the sky has them eating every Friday, but then they go right back to doing whatever degenerate shit they were doing... and you can't even make them mad by doing something funny, like cooking steak from the parking lot outside of church.
Jake: You can't even do that, they're just like, "Hey, you gonna be back for Sunday mass? I could use a fucking fajita, ha ha ha."
Dick: Can't hurt them.
Sean: "Got one on the side for you."
Jake: Goddamnit, just get mad back at me so I can feel better, fuck!
Dick: "Save that one for tomorrow, buddy!"
Jake: Love the show, guys. Go fuck yourselves.
Nick: Do you need some Godsplaining, Dick?
Sean: Oh yeah, there you go!
Dick: I think that [Chad] said the first line of the Bible is not "Let there be light." A little duller than that, for my tastes.
Nick: [laughs] Yeah, the first line is "In the beginning..." The one you were reading was from first John. It was... beginning of John, and if you want, I could go into all sorts of translation [inaudible] but that's up to you.
Sean: Were you not even in Genesis, Dick?
Dick: Sean, I was on Google, all right?
Dick: Everything... of my reference is a Google search.
Sean: Okay, fine.
Dick: Yeah. So, what's the problem with the translations? You were going to say?
Sean: There's different ones, you know.
Nick: So, you read "In the beginning was the Word... [inaudible]"
Dick: Dude, your Internet is all messed up.
Nick: Oh... it was actually my angle of the...
Nick: Sorry, but... you were reading "In the beginning was the Word. The Word was with God," but the actual Greek term is "Logos," which is a much more robust discussion about communication in general than just "the Word."
Sean: You're talking John, right?
Nick: Yeah, at the beginning of John.
Sean: Yeah... because Greek being the original language of the New Testament, correct?
Sean: Where Hebrew is the original language of the Torah, which became the Old Testament.
Dick: You know, Logos was the name of the evil Quantum Leaper's computer? Ziggy was Sam Beckett's computer and Logos was the evil one of Ziggy. How about that?
Nick: Is there a deep theory that Ziggy is Satan, then, trying to undo God's good work?
Dick: No, it was the other way. They were saying Sam in the last episode, he basically became an angel. He basically became 'Highway to Heaven' at the end of 'Quantum Leap'. Remember that show?
Sean: Michael Landon?
Dick: Yeah. It was 'Quantum Leap', except God sent him around.
Sean: Yeah, that's true.
Dick: They just put technology on it, you know?
Nick: Well, technology is the new God, right?
Dick: Yeah, so there we go. All right man, thank you for the explanation.
Nick: Yeah, talk to you later.
Dick: One more.
Sean: I thought there was some fucked up translation. You weren't even at the beginning of the Bible, goddammit. That's crazy that two books start with "In the beginning" though. I didn't know John started with "In the beginning."
Dick: Maybe they all start like that.
Dick: Because weren't they writing them to be their own thing? They weren't writing them as a compilation album.
Sean: Well, right.
Dick: They were writing their own books.
Sean: I guess the likelihood of "In the beginning" would go up then, right?
Dick: They're all jockeying to be the first one, so they all slide it in there, right?
Sean: It's weird. Some of them start with "Call me Jesus."
Dick: Actually, mine starts with "Before the beginning," so... Mine starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far away."
Sean: "In the beginning of the beginning. Pre-beginning."
Dick: Mine starts with "Well, the first thing you gotta know." That's the first thing, he's gotta go up front like, "Fuck!"
Sean: Right. It's like in Spinal Tap where they were The Originals, but then there was another band called The Originals, so they renamed themselves The New Originals.
Dick: Okay, last one.
John: Hey, Dick. John from Florida here.
Dick: What's up, dude?
John: I know this is the line where people usually call in for the rages and I don't really have a rage. I'm calling just to the fact that, last night, after seeing that fucking Maddox admittedly, on a court fucking document, just told everybody that he lied. I don't care if you don't play this on the show. I'll just be that satisfied if it's just you listening to this because I can't type enough to express my... frustration on the matter.
Sean: It's mind-blowing.
John: He is suing you and Asterios, and a bunch of other fucking people for half a billion dollars, and now he just fucking lied on a fucking court document. I don't understand how he moves on and anybody believes him whatsoever, with anything. It makes sense now why Rucka left because he started [inaudible] all this shit with Maddox. He probably started seeing like, "Oh shit. This guy is fucking crazy."
Sean: Well, that would be my guess.
John: Now he just committed perjury-
Dick: I didn't think about that.
John: Dick, I don't know how this lawsuit is going to end up.
Sean: Just speculating.
John: It starts as a joke...and now it's become even more of a joke, and I really hope everything goes well for you and Asterios and everybody else...
Dick: Oh yeah, it's funny, all right.
John: ...I really do. I can't see Maddox winning this. Not after that. Not after that. I mean, what's the first rule of being a criminal? I'm no criminal but I would assume it's not telling on yourself.
Dick: Yeah, we have an amendment for that.
John: Good luck. I hope everything goes well for you guys over there, but I've never seen such idiocy in my life until I saw that fucking document. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Go fuck yourself. Thank you.
Sean: Well, he went with the route of, "I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Well, I did it, but it was for a good reason."
Dick: That's what Mental Jess said in court before she got hit with a restraining order. "I did make those calls, but it's-"
Dick: That's what the fucking judge said.
Sean: Yep, doesn't matter. Not allowed.
Dick: Those two should get married as quickly as possible. They're the same. They're the same.
Sean: Just speculating on Rucka, I would think that he's like, "This is getting a little too fucking crazy for me."
Dick: And this isn't going to end... "I don't want to accidentally get my brand tied to this in case-"
Sean: Well, that's the thing! If you're around people who wallow in shit, you're going to get a little splashed on you.
Dick: Yeah, for nothing.
Sean: And people are like, "You know, that guy is all right, but he smells like shit. He's got shit splashed on him."
Dick: The reality of it is, eventually, the only thing people ask is what you won't answer, and he could never talk about that... He won't come on the show because there's no point... We all know what I'm going to do if Rucka comes on the show.
Sean: Of course. Of course.
Dick: Right? No matter what I tell him, I'm going to just get him to say shit about Maddox. There's no reason for him to... As fun as it would be... If he was a fun guy, he would do it because he wouldn't care, but people are not fun.
Sean: Well, yeah, and also... he probably doesn't want to deal with being sued. I mean, there's that.
Dick: There is that... but it's this rule... this thing with people where, if you don't talk about something, they will never stop asking about it.
Sean: That's all they want to know... do you remember all the theories about why the show ended?
Sean: Yeah! Because what you build up in your mind is far more creative and lurid than reality could ever be. Although now, I'm not so sure. [laughs]
Dick: And then people will start going, "Well, how come he's not answering those guys? I want to know..." and it builds and builds and builds until that's all people talk about.
Sean: It's true. True.
Dick: And it's not going away... When the LOLsuit is over, there's going to be non-stop PR about it, I imagine. The countersuits are going to be numerous.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: I would be shocked if Maddox doesn't go after his lawyer for letting him sign that... at the bare minimum, for letting him sign the admission to several crimes. Minimum. Asterios's career has been... let's say affected... let's say harmed to an amount that is easily calculable... Everybody told me to sue after the rape list video. I was like, well I've got to show damages. That's the whole point of... and getting iced out of a comedy career isn't damages, in my stupid understanding. I don't even know what the first words of the Bible are. But having your job fucked with is definitely damages.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Because you can show exactly... what the trajectory... you can at least argue it in front of a judge, who I think would see...
Sean: They may come to a different amount, but it's probably...
Dick: It exists.
Sean: It does.
Dick: And the only thing that would stop someone from pursuing something like that is that they don't have enough money to afford justice.
Sean: That was my next point.
Dick: Let me tell you something. I have enough money to get Asterios justice, and there's nothing I would like more. You fucked with somebody who money doesn't mean anything to... I don't say it bragging, but it's different.
Sean: You have enough and you're not going to have to move out of your house.
Dick: No. I will never stop.
Sean: A lot of people are not in that position.
Sean: So you recognize that.
Dick: Yeah... I know when justice has been served now, and I want it. I have developed a taste for it, let's say.
Sean: Like a tiger that eats people.
Dick: Yep... I'm getting a taste for it and I want more. All right everybody, thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. That's the show. That's the show for you.
Sean: Thanks. See you next week.