The Dick Show

Episode 96 – Dick on The Status Quo

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Bunty King, Digibro.

Transcription by: /u/Kim_Jong-Skill

Dick: Set it early. Got a lot of stuff to cover. Let me see what I’ve got here… Okay.

Sean: A lot of stuff to cover, do we?

Dick: Ooh, yup, yup, yup. Oh my god, look at all these a stats I got.

Sean: Look at how formatted that is!

Dick: I know man. This is my life.

Sean: That’s great.

Dick: I know man. I put all this shit together and then I… (Theme riff) … never read. Even part of it. It’s good info though. I worked hard. Hehehehe.

Sean: Not smart.

Dick: Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you want Dick, you love Dick, you got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I’m your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello Dick.

Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? God damnit did everybody get stumped in the tip of their Dicks this week. Blue balled to hell, man. Balls so blue they could beat Garry Kasperov in chess, Sean. Balls…

Sean: Wow… That’s a petty joke.

Dick: You know what? I was doing research for my blue ball jokes.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I discovered that…

Sean: It’s dedication.

Dick: Like, I got sucked into a lot of rabbit holes this week, and one of them was my ball research for blue ball jokes, you know. My balls are so blue you could put horns on them, lead them around Minnesota, and create the wonderous lakes there. Right?

Sean:Ahh, very good.

Dick: Babe the Blue Ox, I’m talking about.

Sean: Brainerd.

Dick: What?

Sean: Brainerd Minnesota.

Dick: What is that?

Sean: Home of Paul Bunion. Bate the Blue Ox.

Dick: I didn’t know that.

Sean: Oh yeah, home of Paul Bunion, Babe the Blue Ox.

Dick: I was doing this stupid ball research for blue balls jokes, and I read that when deep blue, the computer that beat Garry Kasperov for the first time – when they finally did it, Garry Kasperov accused the computer of cheating. Like…

Sean: Well I had heard that those were – well the computer was basically – it was a bunch of chess masters against him, putting it into the computer.

Dick: Well… A bunch of chess masters programmed the computer, a bunch focused on the openers, and then a bunch focused on the 5-piece end of the game where you’re perusing the king and the queen.

Sean: So, in effect he was playing a bunch of different chess masters, right?

Dick: Well yeah.

Sean: But the computer still had to pick based on what he did.

Dick: But that’s like – that’s what the humans do too. Like, they study – humans study the opening move, and then the intelligence is the decision of what move to take, you know? That’s not what he was saying was cheating though. Like, he said – he accused it, from what I can tell in my research on my blue balls jokes, is that he accused them of cheating on a specific move. He accused IBM engineers of getting involved in making a move to defraud him. Like, all my life I just thought this was like a light-hearted stupid fun battle between man and machine at a pivotal moment when, for the first time, the machine legitimately overtook the thinking power of a man, ala John Henry, like a momentous event that we are all happy with.

Sean: Well John Henry won though. It killed him, but he won.

Dick: Which is – the moral of the story is that you always lose. It doesn’t matter if you win, you lose. The machine wins no matter what. The machine keeps going. That’s what I thought it was, just a fun activity. But apparently both IBM and Garry Kasperov were being cocksuckers the entire time. Like, IBM…

Sean: Oh, I believe it. I can relate to that. I’d be fucking pissed too.

Dick: (laughing) I guess, yeah. “Fucking computer cheated!” Like, okay Garry. So come back in a year – go forward in time and get beat by a child’s cell phone. Like, what are you thinking? Do you realize that you’re not supposed to win? You’re supposed to put up a good John Henry fight and not die. Like, this is us celebrating our weakness that you can lose. We’re all celebrating – we all want the fucking computer to win, you idiot! Because it makes everybody’s life easier if it wins!

Sean: Yeah, it’s true.

Dick: It’s like Garry Kasperov’s like, “Oh, I hope this shuttle blows up so I don’t get into space.” Like what the fuck?

Sean: There’s a part of me that likes the ego in that though. Like there’s no way that was fucking on the level.

Dick: There’s no way that computer won.

Sean: Of course the computer won.

Dick: Like, yeah. You beat it last time, it won this time. Just fucking relax. But then on the other hand, IBM wouldn’t give him the data that – he was asking to see its movesets, and they’re like, “no.” Why? What is your – and then they took it apart so that nobody could look at it again. What the fuck man?

Sean: Which just emboldens him.

Dick: Yeah. Like, you had it, you could have given the guy that you – you basically used this guy for one of the biggest PR events in history, and you just fuck him over. You fuck – he should have just said no. You know what? No. I’m not gonna play you because you’re probably gonna fuck me over. You’re probably gonna be cocks about it, just because. “Ah, we can’t give you that. No, that’s proprietary.” Fucking why? Why? Oh man, made me laugh. I got sucked into it all morning, and then I didn’t research any more blue ball jokes because of that.

Sean: That’s great. That’s great. You tricked yourself into learning.

Dick: Yeah. God damnit. I tricked myself into uncovering a – more depths of the depravity of the human spirit. Every day is a study in how much worse we could be to each other. Speaking of, the blue balls that I’m referencing is the court case was postponed.

Sean: I was really bummed.

Dick: Me too. Me fucking too.

Sean: When you texted me that on Monday, I was like, “It’s not…” Yeah, blue balls. But it’s also like – it’s putting people’s lives on hold. It’s creating an incredible amount of stress for another month – another 2 months, or another however long it is. It’s just like – you’re fucking with people’s – you know, I mean, it’s all fun to joke about and get pissed off about and all that kinda stuff, but at the end of the day it’s serious.

Dick: It’s like – you know what it is, Sean?

Sean: As absurd as it is.

Dick: Yeah, it’s fucking serious. I got a $15,000 bill from my lawyers for February. Fucking 15-grand man, you should see how much yogurt these lawyers got. Entire cases of yogurt. The finest. They got yogurt that was signed by Jamie Lee Curtis herself, her private select shit.

Sean: Yeah, along with a fecal sample I think. But after – the before and after.

Dick: Have you ever read those studies when they…

Sean: Oh, they had to stop advertising like that though.

Dick: Oh, why?

Sean: Because it’s – there’s nothing to link that to – yeah. That was what I heard. I think it’s credible.

(Dick mumbles something.)

Sean: Well, no. They had to pull that kind of advertising with them, because there’s nothing in that yogurt – I guess acidophilus is like the good bacteria or whatever that helps…

Dick: Acidophilus, the former first lady?

Sean: Yeah.

Sean: Yes. It’s a… Yeah, there’s no – they were saying it’s basically kind of false advertising, where it’s – you can’t definitively say, “If you eat this, you’ll be more regular.”

Dick: Like, are - is anyone confused about what makes you – how can you false advertise you’re gonna shit more? “Hey, I ate your thing. I didn’t shit more.” Well stop eating it then, dude. This is – they need that? Here, have a couple belts of whiskey. You really need to take a shit, I dunno, stop eating cheese. Eat something green Eat different things until you feel like you’re going to shit, then do it.

Sean: Bran muffins, some Tabasco sauce, smoke a cigarette, run up and down your stairs. See what happens.

Dick: I want to see the first time – that’s a good joke to play on teenagers. Give them their first cigarette but get them way out away from a toilet. Like you catch your kid smoking, then – if you catch your kid smoking right? You’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna get this guy.”

Sean: Just make sure they’re not wearing your underwear.

Dick: Yeah, get ‘em on a… yes, yes Sean… Get them on like a big date, buy them a big meal for no reason, and then take him and his girlfriend out into the country, right? And say like, “Here, you like smoking so much.” Don’t smoke the whole pack, just have a giant thanksgiving dinner and smoke one. Lock the bathroom. It’s fun to torture children. What was I – oh yeah, the lolsuit got – it’s like an advent calendar of frustration and rage that I thought we had been building to. A climax of it. You know, an advent calendar. God, you open one little thing every day. You open one, the Christians, the Catholics, we believe – we have a thing where it’s a little picture of a tree, and every day starting in the first of December, you open – or this was when I was Catholic. I’m Muslim now. You know, I converted about a year ago.

Sean: I thought so. You’ve got the beard, the hair’s getting long.

Dick: Yeah. And I’m incredibly disrespectful to women now. You open one panel…

Sean: You’re pretty pleased with yourself about that.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I see you playing it back in your head going, “Yeah, that was pretty funny, and what the hell am I saying?”

Dick: I hope there’s no problems for me when I go to Israel in May for burning man. I’m going to the Israel version of burning man, which is cheaper then the Nevada version. I wasn’t expecting that.

(Sean explosively laughs at the statement.)

Dick: It is! $200. How about this: Their currency is the Shekel. The currency in Israel is the Shekel. I still don’t believe that.

Sean: Because it sounds like a joke.

Dick: Well, yeah. It sounds like a racist joke, you know? It’s so funny.

Sean: It’s a whole country of comedians.

Dick: Like, it sounds biblical and it sounds like a joke, but it’s really what they use. Yeah, it’s very funny. I thought I was – I dunno why it’s so funny to me.

Sean: Shekel.

Dick: Because it’s like – it’s the only thing where the actual name of the thing is a pejorative. You know? Like, every other culture, it’s like some twist where the racist joke is a version of it, but for – it actually is the same word you’d use – You know. People use Shekels as a pejorative, as a joke. It’s the actual term. Anyway.

(Sean does a Jewish laugh)

Dick: I hope my Muslim faith doesn’t get me in trouble there. So, for the advent calendar, you’ve got a calendar days, right? A countdown. Every day you open up a little door.

Sean: Yeah, I remember these.

Dick: Yeah, and then you get a little chocolate or something. You get something. You get some sort of small little token that’s supposed to tide your feverish greed over for another day, because you can’t – and then every day you’d start getting the Twitch, and you just need some gimme-dats. You need to satisfy the gimme-dats. That’s what the advent calendar’s for. That what I was building with, with the fucking lolsuit. Getting it dismissed was – every day I just take a little bit of rage, and put it in my rage advent calendar, and duct tape and staple it shut, and I think, “Okay, as we approach the lolsuit hearing date, all of this is just gonna fucking explode.” And I’ve been timing it out! I’ve been metering it out every day so that enough could get me to that end, and then we got to the day, and it – I ran out of advent calendar space, and they said, “Well, it’s gonna be another 2 months.” And I said, “(A bunch of wheezing sounds) What? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” They said, “Don’t worry about it, that’s the good news. Here’s the bad news: You owe us 15-grand.” Awwww, not the first bill either.

Sean: Yeah. Who knows how much math goes on in between now and then too.

Dick: It fucking sucks, man. IT FUCKING SUCKS! I could have taught so many girls to code with that money. I could have bought so many netbooks for women to get them into STEM. I could have bought so many Coding for Dummies, and learn how to code in 24 hours. Learn Pascal in 24 hours books. Learn J2EE JavaScript runtime environment for women. I could have helped so many women get into STEM with that money, but Maddox had to blow it and ruin it!

Sean: It’s really hurting a lot of people as it turns out.

Dick: Asterios could have – could have also got women – could have bought his ex-wife a beautiful condo.

Sean: Right. Like a NASA clean room.

Dick: Yes. He could have gotten her an IBM computer suit. A Pentium processing computer suit for her to go around – she could leave the clean room that she can go around in a $15,000 bubble!

Sean: And beat Kasperov at chess!

Dick: Beat Kasperov at chess, but it’s gotta be just wasted! Wasted on incredible lawyers who are great. But fuck man. Fuck that is an expense that nobody likes to make. Nobody likes to fucking spend.

Sean: That’s why they say the only people who win are the lawyers.

Dick: So fucking true! It is so fucking true.

Sean: But they’re a – you know… You need them. Unless you’re Maddox.

Dick: I mean we need them collectively, or else it’s a tyranny of the strong. Of the mob. That’s the only reason I can comprehend it. This si the tax.

Sean: Did they give you a reason why it was postponed?

Dick: Scheduling.

Sean: Just scheduling. Has nothing to do with the case? See, I didn’t think so.

Dick: Scheduling, and no side is at fault. I think it’s a court scheduling matter.

Sean: Yeah, other shit took longer, or what not.

Dick: If I were to conjecture on it, I would say it probably makes sense in hindsight – it probably makes sense for all of the documents to be delivered and done before the court were to look at anything, because why go through all of this horse shit again?

Sean: Well how do you know all the documents are delivered? Shit could happen. He could go feral any day and have to have some kind of rebuttal to it.

Dick: Yeah, that’s true, but within reason. So, for example, the Weber Sandwich response was filed I think yesterday. Their response against Maddox was filed, and their petition – their motion to put sanctions on Maddox, M3ntal J3ss, and fuckin’ their lawyer was filed big time, and a judge is gonna have to make a fucking yes or no decision. It’s not a “I hope somebody does something about this,” time. It’s a, “This is how much. This is what we’re asking for. We’re asking for sanctions, big time, because the lies and fuckery. And we’re asking for costs because of said lies and fuckery, and abuse of the fucking system, which this obviously is.” And you get to say – this is the judge’s position to say either yes or no. It’s interesting. It’ll be fucking interesting, man, because I sure as shit am not walking away from this unscathed. Asterios is walking away from this with his Billboard charting album stuck up his ass, basically. Just fees. Just fees-wise, I’m saying. So. There better be some fucking bloodletting on the other side. If we’ve been both getting ass-reemed for months over this. By the most competent people in the world, I’m saying. You know? Not complaining. I’m not complaining about the service performed for the fees, I’m complaining about the situation that began the fucking necessity of the service, that began the fucking fees! It’s like the woman that swallowed a fly! She swallowed a horse to catch the dog to catch the cat to catch the mouse to catch the cricket to catch the spider. I hope she gets some fucking sanctions on her is what I’m saying. This bitch that ate the spider and the fly in the first place. That’s all folks. Anyhow, I’ve been on Twitch lately.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot. You know, I play piano. I got it all set up now, so just whenever I play, I just flick it on.

Sean: That’s cool.

Dick: It’s fun, it’s fun. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun, and I got the affiliate status, which means if you have Amazon Prime, you have a free subscription on Twitch. You can go to my Twitch, BigDickMasterson, and hit subscribe. It costs you nothing. And I get $5 for it. Plus we sit around, we Dick around, shoot the shit, we sing. Sometimes people are there. You should come in and play guitar sometime. Everybody’s asking. I mean, I get real – you remember how we used to play all the time.

Sean: Shit-face drunk?

Dick: Yeah. It’s like that. I get pretty tossed and sing weird words to weird covers. It’s fun, it’s a good time. Lakembra’s in there writing parody lyrics on the fly.

Sean: I’ve been picking it up more lately.

Dick: C’mon. I’ll get new strings just for you, so you don’t have to play on the (?) strings.

Sean: Now I know something about – I’m very corrosive. When I was playing a lot, if I was doing anything, especially in the studio, I would change strings every day. Because by the end of the day, they would be just dead as shit. But yeah, I have never seen strings like gon that on that acoustic upstairs. It’s unbelievable.

Dick: Sean’s touch. It’s the opposite of Midas’s touch.

Sean: Everything I touch turns to shit.

Dick: Yeah. You just corrode it man. You just eat it away.

Sean: Yeah man. I’m very corrosive. Right to its soul.

Dick: What was that super villain who would touch people and their faces would melt and die?

Sean: I dunno.

Dick: Okay, so that’s the end… 5-million downloads we crossed! Lakembra wrote a song. You want to hear that song before I get to what makes me a rage?

Sean: Yeah. Did you ever figure out why – or how the numbers correlate?

Dick: Well Libsyn changed it for advertising.

Sean: Is it substantial?

Dick: Oh yeah.

Sean: All of a sudden, what is it, like cut it in half?

Dick: Yeah. And the longer your show, the more of an effect it would have, they said.

Sean: Okay, see you next week guys!

Dick: So we’re now releasing 20 episodes on Tuesday that are each 10 minutes long.

Sean: That’s amazing though, that it can impact it that much.

Dick: Yeah. Here’s Lakembra’s 5-million Downloads song.

(Dick starts the dong)

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Alright, alright, alright. We’ve heard me complaining about the size of my penis.

Sean: That sounds like something to complain about though.

Dick: Yeah, it sucks. Okay, this is what makes me a rage this week. I’ve got 2, do you want the heavy one or the fun one? Have you ever –

Sean: You’ve got 2 what?

Dick: 2 things that make me a rage this week that I want to get to before we get to some callers. Bunty King’s calling in, Digibro’s calling in. Have you ever tried to buy new sheets for your shit? Because it is the biggest time suck frustrating process of bait and switch that I think I’ve ever done. Out of all the adulting I’ve ever had to do, buying new sheets has ben the most frustrating out of all of them. Starting with the – you know what, I spend how much time in this bed? I’m not just going to get the $20 Amazon Choice special, because so far everything – I don’t want to sleep on prison sheets. I don’t want to get made fun of because my sheets are see-through. I don’t want sheets – like, sheets are something that can piss you off every morning – every day of your life! You get like one – you get that one window – you get that one landing window like you’re landing a spacecraft – like you’re piloting a spaceship through the ozone layer, and if you hit that and you get that one window of time to set aside and make this purchase correctly in your life. Because if you pick wrong, you’re getting sheets that pop up on one corner every fucking night. You’re getting sheets that are gonna get weird stains all over them. You’re getting sheets that don’t even cover the mattress properly, because they were made to be put over a piece of plywood or a sleeping bag or something. I don’t know.

Sean: So you’re saying it’s not as simple as just picking the size of bed you have.

Dick: Oh, Sean. Good fucking luck. Not even close. Not even fucking close. Of all the things that I miss having done for me: having my food made, having my clothes washed, having my house cleaned, having my yard kept in a state that doesn’t look like it was foreclosed on 20 years ago, and they someone you’re looking for when you knock on the door died 15 years ago.

Sean: And the bills were all on auto pay, so nobody checked on him.

Dick: Yeah, so nobody checked on him, and you open the door, and towers of newspapers fall out on top of you, and that’s how the person died. Of all the things that have been difficult to pick up and do myself, the buying of the fucking sheets has been the biggest pain in the ass of all of them. And I had to do it this week. I did it this week, because you get…

Sean: I’m glad you were able to do the show.

Dick: Yeah. Sean. I had to wash them too. You go looking for your sheets, and you get – first of all, the first bait and switch is this microfiber shit. DO you know what microfiber is?

Sean: Well, I mean, technically no. It could be a marketing term, it could be…

Dick: Look, I don’t wanna sleep on it. And nobody does. You know how I know that? Because they call the microfiber 1200 or 1000 whatever, so you think, “Oh, that must be the thread count.” Wrong! They use their own proprietary measurement that for some reason that looks exactly like the thread count of the thing that I wanted. But, no., no, no. It’s just a different type of fabric. So, first of all, carve out that fucking scam! I don’t want that! I don’t fucking want that! Secondly, you want this, but it’s – every single sheet that you then end up on is sateen. Sateen sheets. I just want regular sheets that fit my bed like a hotel. That’s what I want. Type that in. 10,000 hotel collections, not a goddamn one of them looks like something I would sleep on at a hotel. Don’t know why that is, because some idiot said, “Oh, these dumbfucks just want what’s in a hotel. Let’s take the shit that we’re already selling, and just say this is our hotel shit. It’s not! It’s not! Hotel has a white sheet that fits perfectly every fucking time! Feels exactly the same! Feels like a priest’s robe! Nice and tight and crisp, like you could paint a painting on it. Like a stretched piece of canvas. It’s not sateen. I’ve never been to a hotel with sateen sheets. You wanna know why? Because out parents had sateen sheets, and the thought of it is gross to me. Because I remember running into my parents room as a kid on Sundays or Saturdays, jumping in, you know, feeling that big bad your parents love of you lingering. It’s nice and warm, and you think, “Wow, this is great.” You grow up and realizer why its fucking warm! And you realize there’s no way I escaped childhood without getting a little of my dad’s pre-cum somewhere on my body when I ran in there all excited in the morning. So I don’t fucking want sateen sheets! I don’t wanna think about my dad’s ding dong wiggling around while he’s trying to get it on before the kids wake up! “Hey honey, I hear the Smurfs theme song is starting, so we got 15 minutes to pound one out before little Dick comes running in here!” Because the episodes are split, you understand, in the Smurfs. There’s always 2. I’m hooked on the one, but the 2nd one was always fucked. Always had the Smurflings or some cockass on it ruining the regular Smurf shit. Kid Smurfs. I’m a kid, I don’t care about kid shit. I wanna see adult shit.

Sean: Right. Those were substandard Smurfs.

Dick: Those fucking Smurflings and their stupid dog.

Sean: Yeah. Grandpa Smurf.

Dick: Grandpa was great. The guy never got any fucking screen time though, because Slouchy and that butch Sassy and fucking Spazzo Smurf or whatever.

Sean: Sasette or whatever, right? Nat or whatever. Yeah, what the fuck were those?

Dick: Those were fucked! They were fucked because someone makes a good show for the kids, and then some coked up asshole swoops in and says “You know, kids love – I love myself. Kids must love themselves. Let’s throw a bunch of kids in this thing and fucking ruin it.” “So let’s pound one out before – let’s start pounding one out here in the bed while the little Dick is getting into the Smurfs.” Little did they fucking know that it’s a Smurflings episode, so I’m fucking out of there jumping in bed, “Hey mom, dad, what’s going on? Let’s play some little Green Ghouls man. Let’s get under the sheets, play some night crawler, right?” Not knowing about the erections and things that were probably going on on these sateen sheets. Burn it, wipe it off the face of the earth. I don’t fucking want sateen sheets. So now we’re on hour 2.

Sean: I never did that as a kid.

Dick: What?

Sean: Went into my parents bed.

Dick: Really?

Sean: Yeah. My dad was scary, man.

Dick: For real?

Sean: Yah. You don’t fuck around with a sleeping bear or a – you know.

Dick: So what, you just wake up and you go out and play Top Gun?

Sean: Yeah. I mean, they were probably – I dunno if they were probably up before me, but yeah. No, I don’t ever remember doing that.

Dick: You slept in as a kid then.

Sean: Well no, I mean I remember getting up really early to watch the Smurfs. I remember getting up really early to watch Felix the Cat, those old fucking Felix the Cat cartoons.

Dick: Oh, really?

Sean: Oh yeah. With the bag of tricks and the fucking professor. But yeah, I loved the Smurfs, but I always knew the Snorks sucked.

Dick: Snorks were fucked. Snorks were fucking stupid.

Sean: Shit cartoon.

Dick: No adults at all. Anyway, not sateen. Not some horseshit Amazon special that I fucking know has a 0% chance of staying on the bed, and I’m waking up every morning with elastic marks across my tits because the fitted sheet popped off. Every fucking morning until it deeply pounded into your skull that you just don’t fix it, and you’re sleeping on half mattress every night like a hobo centaur. Half man, half hobo. Sleeping on a fucking mattress – a bare mattress every night. That’s the future if you pick wrong. It’s worse than picking the wrong holy grail. A lifetime of sleeping on a shit sheet. So I finally found one to prevent everyone else from having to go through this hell, it’s – the thing you gotta search for, let me make sure I find it, is “percale.” Pima cotton. That’s the one. Percale is when – the sateen is because it’s just one way. Percale is both ways. That’s how you get that crisp hotel quality to your sheets. Pima cotton. The weave is the important part, because they don’t fuck around with that weave and shitty cotton. And the thread count’s not a big deal, I also learned that. 400 is just fine for this type of weave.

Sean: Because it’s both ways.

Dick: So then I w3ash these motherfuckers. I get new pillows. I’m like, “look at this. What a fucking adult. Look what I’ve done here. This is great. I did it. Fucking nailed it. This is the biggest obstacle of adulting that I’ve had to do so far.” Spraying for bugs, that was easy because I think I’m committing genocide on the bugs. Can’t wait for the next time to do it you little fucking – you little dumb fucks. You think I can’t get into that crack? I bet you’re terrified in that crack for the chemicals and the beings that are coming down here to destroy you. I’ll do it every fucking day. I’ll do it twice a day, spray for bugs. Weeds? Yeah, same. Home repair? Great, just more things I can put off. Awesome. More jobs I can start. Go to Home Depot, buy some shit, start a job, basically done. Basically done. Perfect. But this fucking thing – the buying of the sheets was the most frustrating thing so far. So I get ‘em all clean, put ‘em on the bed, stretch them out all nice. Maybe it’s the only time I’ve ever made a bed in my life. And doing it made me think that maybe it’s good for your mental state. The army does it, right? So it must be good for your – you don’t walk into a military barrack and see a bunch of like dry humped sheets on everybody’s bed.

Sean: No, I’ve heard that specifically referring to making your bed, that it’s good for your mental state.

Dick: So 80’s girl hops in there, you know, bed time. “Alright, what do you think of these sheets? Pretty romantic sheets that I’ve put together here, right?”

Sean: Remind you of your childhood?

Dick: She goes, “Yeah. It’s getting me in the mood. I gotta warn you though, I’m on my period.” I said, “Get out. Get out. Get off of my sheets. Get the hell outta here.” That’s my sheets story. I’ll tell you what else makes me a rage. No – not having it.

Sean: Don’t even cross the threshold of this room.

Dick: Nope, get out. Sleep on the couch. What is it – it’s almost tax time. Is it not?

Sean: It’s always tax time.

Dick: Well you know what I was thinking. See, this is what I’ve got all this shit prepared on. I didn’t know I was gonna talk about sheets for so long. I think that tax withholding is maybe the most evil thing that goes on to us. Like, the act of withholding a little but of your taxes every week. Because we’re all filing – or we’re getting ready to file. You know, It’s coming up on D-day. T-day, April 15th. Asterios is getting ready top do it at the last minute like he was doing in Philadelphia. I think – I have this idea that if they made everybody pay the lump sum on the 15th instead of crossing your fingers in hope that you get something back, a lot more people would think taxes are a big fucking problem.

Sean: Oh, I’m sure that is true.

Dick: Yeah. Like if it came in – if your employer and the government were not working together to gradually chisel away at you throughout the years.

Sean: Yeah, it’s death by 1000 cuts, you know?

Dick: You don’t notice. You don’t notice it’s so bad by the time it’s time to actually pay the bill, it seems like a relief if you don’t owe any more, when in actuality, like when I got this lawyer bill, you’re paying what, 18-20 percent of your – if you had to write a check for that lump sum, I bet a lot more people would be a lot more pissed off about it. If everybody had to write a $15,000 – because I know I’m fucking pissed off about having to write that check for lawyers. All of a sudden I’m thinking – let me go – I think we could cut some of these – we gotta cut some of these charges ASAP. This is not gonna do it. This is not gonna work for the next one. I gotta stop running my mouth so much. If every joke – like if I go through and I see I when I fucked around, like, “Oh, temporary restraining order.” Yeah, oh, had to listen to that episode. That was a big charge. I gotta write this ship. If instead of making you pay every 2 weeks, they just put it in a lump sum, there’d be big changes. That’s what I’m saying. People would say, “We gotta chop at least 25% off of this. Are you fucking kidding me? Now! Right fucking now!”

Sean: You’re gonna hear a lot more people complaining about it. All the time.

Dick: It wouldn’t seem like a joke that taxation was theft. It would be like, “You mean I could have bought a boat with this, and now I cannot? You mean I could have bought 2 bitcoins instead of getting 0, which is what we’re fucking used to.” So I started doing some research about status quo bias. I dunno if this will be interesting to anyone. It ties in with a couple thing. I was talking with Coach downtown. We were having lunch, because he’s on jury duty.

Sean: Oh really?

Dick: Again.

Sean: Yeah. He gets picked for that more regularly than the average bear.

Dick: Yeah. He told me that he calls a special number that gets him put on a fast-track list to get called in more. I think he was joking. I think he was being facetious. He also said – because I said I never go. I just ignore them. I don’t care. And he’s like, “Aren’t you worried about the law?” How many laws do you – what are you, Johnny law following guy? How many laws have we seen each other break, you’re talking to me about civic duty. Get the hell outta here! You just like it, don’t give me that shit. You like going in there and pretending to be a fucking law. “Oh yeah, I’m a responsible…” Like taking oaths. You know. “Oh yeah, sign me up. I love taking oaths. Oh yes, absolutely. I’ll do my best to listen to the law.” I was telling him – yeah I’m against it on principle, because if you don’t do it, then you’re forced to – with… violence. The state forces you to do anything with violence if you don’t want to do it. If you don’t want to do jury duty you get tickets, and eventually they throw your ass in the slammer, right? Pretty much anything that the government tells you to do with the threat of violence if you don’t do it.

Sean: Yeah, that’s the eventuality.

Dick: So no matter what they tell you to do, it’s a threat. It’s “immediately do this or we’ll kill you.” Because eventually they will, and they can do that. So I was saying, “yeah, I’m against them making you be a jury of your peers based on that threat.” I have a problem with that. It’s perfectly fine to show up and say, “Hey, I’d like to do this,” and then pick out of that pool. Freaks fucking did it. If it was volunteering jurors, the pool can’t be any fucking worse than people who either don’t have jobs to miss or are too dumb to get out of jury duty. Those aren’t my fucking peers! My peers are the ones who figured out how to get out of it because it’s fucking stupid, and that the entire concept of civic duty is a lie to trick you into giving shit up that’s yours. So he was saying, “Well, you know,” Coach was saying, “Well I’d be open to hearing something about that.” So I said, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. What if that was normal, and me telling you na alternative system would be threatening people with violence to go be on jury duty.” Like, what if it was reversed, and what was the default was something else. Wouldn’t this idea be horrifying to you?

Sean: Yeah. But it’s because we’re biased towards what we know and what’s been.

Dick: So I looked up some stuff on it. I thought it was very interesting – like actual real scientific studies where they took – I’ll read you one example. It’s called “Status Quo Bias.” They have, for example, electric companies gave you the ability to pick between – they gave customers – you could pick between price and reliability. So as the price increased, the reliability increased. They had some people who were complaining about the price, and some people that were complaining about reliability. So they gave them both the same set of options, trade one for the other. And the people who had reliable power all picked reliable. We’ll stay with the one we have. And the people who all had shitty service that constantly complain about it said, “We’ll stay with the one we have.” The same fucking people constantly complaining about what you don’t have, but you still picked the one that you claim to hate.

Sean: The enemy you know. The alternative is scarier, perhaps.

Dick: Yeah, which I thought was interesting because it’s the same people. You’d think it would be 50/50, but just by virtue of them already having the problems that they had, they’re fine with them. The other one I found was – I did a little bit of research, but not tremendous research. I’m not a scientist over here. Just a guy getting sued, that’s all. Just a guy. Just a normal dude…

Sean: Getting’ sued.

Dick: Getting sued. Just for cracking some jokes, that’s all. As part of TORT law retort programs, let me see here. This was an auto insurance one. In New Jersey – they did the same kinda thing for New Jersey citizens and Pennsylvania citizens where it was another choice between cheaper options and – it was another choice between price and a right to sue the insurance company. So you had to trade a lower price for the amount of culpability the insurance company played.

Sean: I call shenanigans on anything having to do with auto insurance. Those motherfuckers are the worst of all insurance companies.

Dick: But here’s the thing: I one state it was cheap, and you couldn’t sue the insurance company.

Sean: I would always reserve the right to sue the insurance company.

Dick: But the people who didn’t have that picked the one that they had. Like, it was the same kind of thing where the New Jersey people kept the cheap option and the Pennsylvania people kept the right to sue. It was very interesting, and the only reason I’m bringing it up is the tax shit made me think about it. Like yeah. It’s not reprehensible to people because it’s what we fucking know. And this Facebook privacy shit, it’s not reprehensible to people because it’s what we know. Expecting anything to change in anything is asking people to work effectively against their own minds.

Sean: Yeah. Because there’s so many other problems and things to think about on a daily basis that that kind of stuff – it is. It’s like, okay, that’s status quo. That’s something that can just be working in the background of my mind, I’m not overly concerned about it because it’s a known commodity, and that’s good enough for most people. You gotta pick your battles, because…

Dick: That makes sense. However, from what I was looking into this, it seems like there’s a deeper brain chemistry thing playing that prevents us from even thinking about it at all. I found this weird stuff that I didn’t fully understand bits and pieces of it, where asking people to make decisions – they got people in a lab, you know, hooked up lick clockwork orange style, and they asked them to make a decision that’s not already shown versus other people where they just make the decision without giving them a default, and they got them hooked up into MRI machines. The people when are asked to choose against the default, like, their fucking brain rejects it out of principle. Not even having to do with – no sense of loss. All they’ve got to do is sit there and either pick a thing one group, and the other group has to pick something that isn’t labeled the default. And the people where it’s labeled the default is like their minds tear apart.

Sean: Like a herd mentality thing. Like somebody has said that this is the right answer.

Dick: I dunno, but it has fucked implications in my opinion, because every single – every big company knows this, and everything they do is sneak through and say – it’s like slowly normalizing shit that we would hate – that we should all hate, but they keep sneaking it in until what’s normal is you’re giving away 20% of your time when you’re working 6 weeks to months for fucking free, and that you have absolutely no say on where any of the money goes. And that’s normal and telling people that is asking them to take their brain, and tear it the fuck apart, because it’s such a sick shortcut that every single government and company takes advantage of it. It really – it only pissed me off when I looked into it, because the only way to fight it is to give people drugs like SSRI inhibitors that makes their fucking brain stop working! Right? Give me a fucking drug that lets me not see a default option. Give everybody – the day that we vote, give everybody – in the morning, wake up and take the drug that turns off the thing in your brain that is forcing you to be addicted to the normal.

Sean: They don’t work like that.

Dick: I’m saying it would have to be a brad new drug that stops – because they’re comparing it to like a Parkinson’s. Like the same symptoms in Parkinson’s also show up when people are forced to make a decision that is against the norm. So the only way to fight it is a fucking durg. You can’t think yourself out of your own fucking brain. You can’t lift your own feet up. That’s what I’m saying. A new drug that just shuts that off, because otherwise we’re fucked.

Sean: It’s coming.

Dick: Yeah. There you go. I had a bunch of other shit too, but I gotta get to some calls. Let me see… Mr. Bunty King. Let me play a song, and then Mr. Bunty King’s here. I love this guy. Do you know anything about him? ‘

Sean: Not really.

Dick: Dude, he’s like – I’ll tell you about him when we get him on. This is from – this is from Kendollinhide. It’s “I was Heather, Buddy.” Then we’ll get Bunty on. Here you go, I was Heather Buddy, by Kendollinhide, who has a Patreon.

(Dick starts the song)

(The song ends)

Dick: Wonderful. The very talented Kendollinhide. Let me see if I can get… Hello, Mr. Bunty King, are you there?

Bunty: How you doing, man?

Dick: Hey. I’m very good. How are you, man?

Bunty: I’m alright. I’m chillin’. I was just in the middle of editing a video, and then I just – I typed in your name into YouTube and saw that you were on Dr. Phil and then I was watching a video – a clip if what you had to say about my friend Tim Pool. I didn’t appreciate it too much, but we can talk about that later.

Dick: We can talk about that. So I’ll give you the short version of that. I’m fighting a lawsuit.

Bunty: I know.

Dick: You know about it? Okay.

Bunty: So here’s the thing. Cut me off whenever you want to cut me off. I mean, it’s your fucking show.

Dick: No, I’m not gonna cut you off. I gotta tell you, I love you man. I love your whole deal of how you are always bringing people together, and I’m actually very envious of it. Like every time I hear your take on something, It’s conclusive to the point of bringing people together. Like, I heard your video on David Hogg especially where you were saying you’re a…

Bunty: He’s gotta man up.

Dick: Yeah. But you said it in a way that was not aggressive. It was..

Bunty: I’m not an aggressive person.

Dick: That’s why I love you. It said you’re a man now. That you entered politics, so it’s time to stop pulling the child card out. And also encouraging him not to go after sponsors, because he’s doing that.

Bunty: Fuck that. I hate that shit. That’s something that I’ve always been against.

Dick: Yeah. And it’s becoming the norm. Like going after sponsors is becoming the only way that people argue their ideology. Like they’ve given up on making arguments to prove their point, or to at least explain their point. They just go straight for the sponsors. They take everything that somebody says out of context or in bad faith and try top bully sponsors out of supporting people to essentially kill their voice when, you know, when they’re offended by it. So yeah. I’m a big fan, I’m never gonna cut you off.

Bunty: I appreciate that, I really do. I have to apologize in advance because I haven’t really been watching your content. I don’t really watch a lot of content, and one of the things that happened – I remember in LA when you invited me to your show at one point, and at some point I won’t be able to make it. This has led up to what I’ve learnt about the whole lolsuit that’s been happening, right? And when I first – when I got there, I was in the middle of all this shit like Tyreek Nasheed had come after me and all that stuff, and I got de-platformed once, so I was rebuilding my platform again.

Dick: Let me explain what that is to people who are listening to the show who maybe haven’t heard of you, because that is a very interesting story. Bunty King was in one of the first cullings of Twitter, where a bunch of people with offensive points of view – which are not. Like, he’s not offensive at all, which is why it shocked me. But this guy, Tyreek Nasheed accused you of being a white supremacist on Twitter. Just so people don’t know, Bunty King is a brown man. He’s not white, and he’s a Sikh man. He has nothing in common on even the surface level of white supremacy, the movement or the individuals involved in it. Never has said anything about it, but this guy Tyreek just accused him of being a white supremacist.

Sean: Well, he may identity as a white supremacist. You just don’t know these days.

Bunty: Yeah .We have the whole trans-racialism that’s happening around, yeah? I’m one of those trans-racial people.

Dick: It’s all virtual. He’s actually an old white KKK member, and Bunty is just a character. An actor.

Bunty: I’m just wearing brown face, I’ve tricked all of you guys.

Dick: The beard is obviously fake. He’s got a giant Sikh beard, it’s obviously fake. So Tysheed rallied his followers to essentially mass report you and get you booted off Twitter, right?

Bunty: Exactly. That’s what happened, yeah. And at first – it was my first experience with that, right? And this was like – the other thing that you have to understand is that I’m really new to the internet. Like, not new to the internet. I was on the forums back in the days trolling before people would even call it trolling. It wasn’t even a word at that point, it was just – people would be talking shit to each other. I was doxed in 20076 by like a small community of people. And the people that doxed me weren’t basement dwellers. The people that doxed me were like jocks of sorts. I was being bullied by people who pretty much were normal people. So now it was really, really interesting, because now I see the opposite. Now I see these basement dwellers bullying the people who actually go outside and do things. Try to like target their family, try to target their sponsors as you said.

Dick: That’s interesting, because my perspective is that people are out in the open, like Hollywood types and the pussy hat marches. But obviously my perspective is from like… chauvinistic satirical comedy, so I would experience the wrath of that. But it seems like – from my end, it seems like people are very much out in the open, just reporting me en masse.

Bunty: I think that most people, in general, don’t know – don’t give a shit about all the stuff that people are complaining about. People that you see in the pussy hats and stuff like that, they’re a minority. They look like a majority because the media represents them, but those are a minority. Most people don’t give a fuck, that’s the thing, right? So by the time I was participating in the internet, I – the attitude I had, and I had this very self-righteous attitude. I thought I was King Shit, but people didn’t like that. Normal people didn’t like that, so I ended up getting doxed. It wasn’t the right thing to do, obviously. I don’t support that at all, but it was a lesson learned from me. That was my experience with the internet. When it comes to creating content on a platform, I really don’t know who people are and – I don’t look into people’s histories. I don’t look into people’s past that much, so I don’t know about you, I don’t know what Maddox has done or anything like that. But I remember when I showed up at the time of Vidcon in LA last year, and like things were popping for me. People suddenly knew my name and people were talking about me. People were like, “Who is this guy who is just saying normal things and people are hating him for it?” You know?

Dick: Yeah. I’m one of those people. Bunty will say something, It’ll be like nice and – it’ll just explain it in a way he explains it, and I’ll be like, “Ah, you motherfucker. I could have said that and been seen as a good guy.”

Bunty: Here’s the thing man. I’ve been listening to you for the past half hour. You’re like – you’re out there, which is – it’s your thing. You’re animated, it’s different. Not everyone – like, I would say that my approach is – some people probably hate it because they’re like, “Fuck, it’s hard to criticize him. What can we say about this guy?” So, if they’re criticizing me it’s almost like they’re making up shit or they’re trying to read into something that I said and maybe put a spin on it like, “Oh, he’s a marketer.” When they found out I was a marketer, they’re like, “what the fuck? This guy’s just saying things to get ahead.” I’m like, why should I do that? That makes no sense to me.

Dick: It’s also a very cynical outlook on you and assumptive on you, because certainly somebody who understands the human condition in the way that you do would be drawn to marketing, because it’s a prerequisite to doing – getting your message out is not necessarily manipulative just because you understand how to do it correctly. Does that make sense?

Bunty: Yeah, exactly. I totally agree. That’s something that was kind of demoralizing for me, because suddenly I had all these people coming at me. Once again, the media – even social media, your own active involvement in social media can get you to start thinking that these small groups of people are like the masses when they’re not. They’re just a small group of people that are very fucking loud, and you’re giving them more air time essentially. So just to cut the long story short: When I got to Vidcon, Maddox told me things about you. He told me things about you that I’m pretty sure you’ve heard already before, so it’s not even like new shit.

Dick: I would love to know what he told you that interesting. You know?

Bunty: I mean just that you were harassing him, and I did not know who you were. I had no idea who Dick Masterson was. I didn’t know you were this guy that appeared on Dr. Phil. I had no fucking clue dude. I’m literally a baby in this world. This is not like – I’m so naïve when it comes to who’s who, I’m just here to…

Dick: Never lose that.

Bunty: Sorry?

Dick: Never lose that feeling. Because then you get too involved in the sauce. You get lost in the goss sauce, you know?

Bunty: That is it. I mean, I kinda started losing, and it sucks because I kinda have to because I feel like there’s people around who want to manipulate me to kind of champion their ideas, because they see how I’m able to present things. They see that, “Oh my good, this guy’s well-spoken. He’s nice looking. Okay, he’s got a nice laugh. This is the guy we should probably be feeding stuff to so that we can prop him up as someone on our platform.” And next thing you know…

Dick: He’s not white. That’s always a good – that’s always a fucking positive on the internet now for any campaign. It’s not to be ignored.

Bunty: I see both sides of it. I see people who are like, “Look at this guy, he’s not a white dude. Why is he being fucked over?” And then I also see other people who are like, “This guy, no one would be listening to him if he wasn’t white.” I see all these kinds of things. At that time when I found out about that, I was like – I don’t know if I should talk to this or get in between this, because I wasn’t sure what was happening.

Dick: Do not get in between it. It is…

Bunty: I have no intention to. I had just seen what happened. I don’t want to fucking – this is between Dick and Maddox. That’s it, I’m not going to talk about it.

Dick: Yeah. It’s a fucking train wreck for everybody involved, even people who – it’s gone so far that the customer service agent who Maddox has been emailing for months to try to get me kicked off from Patreon – he fucking sued him. Like, a guy that’s just – some kid in San Francisco. It’s his first job out of college, he’s answering emails, and now he’s getting sued. It’s just totally fucking up people’s lives for no reason.

Sean: Usually when facts come out, it tempers things. You get these crazy scenarios, and then the facts come out, and you say, “oh, okay. Now that I see it in contact this is more – I can digest this a little bit easier.” The more facts come out about this case, the more insane it is. It’s the opposite of how it normally works.

Dick: I think that’s why it’s so captivating to everybody. Because even I’m consistently surprised by what’s been going on. By the way Bunty, when you were out in LA and you agreed to do the show, you asked me how far away it was from downtown. I was like, “Oh, you know, it’s pretty close.” At the time, I was like, “there’s no fucking way. There’s no fucking way you’re coming to LA Vidcon and making the trip out to Pasadena Mt. Washington area.” I knew at the time it was a big ask. I’m sorry to have pitched it.

Bunty: No, it’s okay. Next time I’m in man. So far, the rapport we have just from talking right now, it seems to be pretty chill. You sound like someone I could be friends with, so it’s cool.

Sean: Well get to know him.

Dick: Yeah, get to know me. That veneer will disappear quickly. I have been a tremendous asshole to your friends, I will tell you that. I’ll apologize to you.

Sean: How many friends?

Dick: Well, you know. Everyone popular, Sean.

Bunty: Really? You gotta run through the list.

Dick: Okay. I’ve been an asshole to Tim Pool, I’ve been an asshole to Chris Ray Gun, I’ve been an asshole to Ryan Holiday, I’ve been an asshole to Mundane Matt. I’ve basically been an asshole to anybody who I say, “hey, the guy that you’re working with as a figurehead for free speech is currently suing a lot of people and doing some really underhanded shit. Can you look it it?” And when I get written off with a – it’s never just a – like you’re saying, I don’t want to get involved. They never say that. They always say, “I don’t want to get involved and what you’re doing looks bad also.” It’s never just “I don’t want to get involved,” it’s a “what’s happening to you is petty and I don’t want to get involved.” It’s like, dude, it’s not fucking petty, okay? This – I understand that everybody’s just kind of a figurehead who’s ranting into the void at these concepts, but I’m dealing with an actual guy doing this shit. We had to get a restraining order against Maddox’s girlfriend because they called my girlfriend’s job who – (uhg,) she’s a teacher. She has nothing to do with this at all. They called her school and told this story about how she shouldn’t be around kids, and like the same kinda shit that they did to Patreon and Asterios’s job.

Bunty: This is true? You’re being 100% honest here?

Dick: Yeah! There is an actual physical restraining order against Maddox’s girlfriend that, thank god, a Dick Show listener by the name of Kian Magana, he was listening to me tell this story of what’s happening to her, and he volunteered to take the restraining order to court because he specializes in it, because otherwise you have to pay so much money to get justice for yourself that it’s not fucking worth it.

Bunty: That’s crazy man. That’s crazy. Well I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. It sucks, because when people, like you said, they’re like these figureheads or they have these public profiles, it’s almost like there’s a sense of fear when they say the wrong thing. I was told of this whole Count Dankula thing. Someone DM’d me, and she said, you know, before my Twitter got suspended, I’ll talk about that in a second. Like, she DM’d me, she said, “you’re baking the wrong horse.” I’m like, “It’s not about backing a fucking horse. It’s an idea that some guy is going to go to jail for a joke.” And yeah, maybe he knew it was the law, but maybe this law should be brought into question. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s not about whether he’s a comedian or – he’s not my ticket to comedy. I have a million tickets to comedy if I just want to do it. I don’t need Count Dankula for anything, I’m supporting him because it’s something that I value there. It’s crazy this comes up often, backing the wrong horse. I feel like a lot of people feel like that’s what’s happening, because they feel like they’re backing someone when they’re not really necessarily backing someone, when they just feel like they’re maybe too scared to say the – I dunno. I don’t even think Chris Ray Gun had anything to say about – I haven’t even seen him say anything about it. I mean I haven’t talked to him about it.

Dick: You know, it was only right when it happened, because he had been on Maddox’s show a number of times, and I know that Maddox’s show is suffering, so he brings on as many people to try to increase his exposure rates. You know, Chris is a big voice in the – I dunno if it’s a skeptic community, but certainly the “rights should be respected over feelings” community. Like – I’m familiar with some of his work, and that’s the sense that I got from it. It was a simple write-off comment that he said where he called it petty drama. But the thing is, simple write-off comments from people with that size of an audience can destroy you, and it’s not fair to me that the little guy gets written off just because he’s little. Like Tim Pool said the same thing. He’s not gonna talk about it because I don’t have enough followers. He literally said that, and the way I handle myself online is just to be a complete pain in the ass. That’s what I do. I say – I’m very aggressively direct, and I employ a very scathing mockery because that’s what I’m fucking good at. That’s – you’re very good at bringing people together, giving both sides, giving a fair account of things, and I’m fucking good at going straight for people’s throats because at the end of the day it’s just words. That kind of vulgar language – that kind of vulgar abuse of language – I think specifically vulgar abuse is protected as free speech. That’s funny to people. You know? It’s a relief and I like it when people – I like it the way you do it when people can just talk about their differences, and I also like a “Hey! Fuck you man! You fucking idiot!” You know? That’s very satisfying to some people.

Bunty: You seem like you follow the whole internet blood sport shit that’s going on, right? So a lot of people are asking me to condemn my buddy Andy Warski who I haven’t really spoken to a lot. I feel like it would distance ourselves from each other just because of the fact that he’s doing his thing, I’m doing my thing, and it’s just the nature of the business. When you get wrapped up in your own shit, you don’t have time for people who aren’t in the same lane as you, you know? So it’s not a big deal. But people keep asking me to condemn him or talk shit about him, and I’m like, I don’t want to do that. He’s doing his fucking thing. This is a different thing. He’s satisfying an element of the market that needs satisfaction.

Dick: And you know what? Those same people could go watch your videos next. Like, I’m here screaming about shit and being very aggressive. People will consume this content, then they’re gonna go have a nice Easter with their family. It’s just entertainment. We go to boxing events in fucking suits.

Bunty: What’s this thing about you not having that many followers? You do have a lot of followers.

Dick: Well because I get banned all the time. From Twitter. So I gotta start from 0 again. I don’t think it’s a real – I think it’s like exactly what you’re saying where these guys kind of implicitly backed one side, and I’m saying, “Hey, just admit that what they’re saying is kind of fucked.” That’s all we want. That’s all that Dickheads, the guys who follow me and listen to the show, all we want is just for you to say, “Yeah, it looks fucked. Yeah.”

Sean: Here’s the thing too. People want to be willfully ignorant a lot of the time. They’re like ,”no, no, no, it can’t be as crazy as this,” and they don’t delve into it because a lot of these statements are like ,”I don’t know much about it, I haven’t really gotten into it, but…”

Dick: But it looks like it might have merit. C’mon man! Don’t say that then!

Sean: But when people do delve into it and the facts come out and there are numerous facts in this case.

Dick: Yeah. Like the perjury. Fucking restraining order.

Sean: Yeah. There really isn’t – you know, like you were talking about, backing a horse orm whatnot. It really takes the choice out of it. It just does.

Bunty: Yeah. The whole thing about calling your girlfriend’s fucking school man, that’s crazy dude. That’s really not cool, man.

Dick: That’s the first thing that happened.

Sean: Everything he’s accused The Dick Show of doing, he himself has done. The only thing that are actually actionable are actions coming from that side.

Dick: Yeah, who’s committed actual crimes, and accidentally confessed to it in his lawsuit. Yeah man, I dunno. I didn’t want to delve into this obviously.

Bunty: I guess you wanted to talk about the whole me getting suspended again.

Dick: Yeah. I also just wanted to get your thoughts in general. I dunno. You’re a cool guy and you’ve got a lot of big fans in The Dick Show listeners. I think they just wanted to hear you talk about your various bannings and your experience online.

Bunty: Sure. I mean dude, I don’t know what it is, its fucked up. I’ve really been trying to avoid using the race card. I always avoid the race card, I don’t give a shit what color your skin is so long as you’ve got good ideas in your head and are willing to talk, and not an asshole. You know? That’s the cutoff. You can have your persona with everybody, and I totally think that’s cool. I’m not saying you specifically, I’m saying you in general just as a – in general. But the moment I open the door and I’m like, “Hey, how’s it going,” and you slap me in the face, then I’m done. I’m like no, we’re not having this anymore. You had an opportunity to literally lay out all your thoughts in front of me. They could be the craziest thoughts and I would have not shit on you for them. I would have just been like, “alright, let’s see what you have to say.” I’ve allowed that out of the fact that someone is just going to say, “You know what? Bunty, I may be a white nationalist, but I accept you as you are. Do you want to hear why I’m a white nationalist?” I’m like fuck yeah. Let’s do it. I want to listen to that. That’s pretty much all I need. But when that goes away, that’s when I completely shut it down. So I mean, that’s something that I feel everybody knows about me. They know that I’m gonna be nice to someone until they give me a reason not to be nice, and at that point, then they’re done. They’re dead to me, or then I’ll just run a train on them. You know? I can flip like that easily. I can also use social media to make them look really stupid. It’s just something I can do. Now the thing is that – the garbage thing that sucked about all of this is that I haven’t been using my race. I really try to avoid it. It’s so annoying dude to use it. I see people using it all the time. But right now it really sucks because a lot of the more powerful voices in the media are these people who are like, “Oh, we gotta prop up people of color. We gotta do this for people of color! People of color need to be given an opportunity to speak.” And then here I am, a dude with like 52,000 followers…

Dick: A person of color.

Bunty: Dude. The thing is that I’m not even – it would be one thing if I was a fucking lunatic. I’m not a lunatic. I’m actually just a chilled out dude that’s just trying to have conversations with people. Maybe be a little bit edgy sometimes, but at the same time, it always ends up in a conversation, it’s always pretty good, and I’m always doen to talk to people, doesn’t matter. Right? I’m using Twitter for its intended purpose, and they’re fucking de-platforming me. How do I – what are you guys? For people of color? What is it? I’m confused. Do you want more voices like mine? Ones that are willing to ridge this gap between people to figure out why are white people losing their minds? Why are people of color losing their minds? Like what’s going on? Why can’t we just take the time to talk to each other?

Dick: And it’s very racist to assume that everybody – every person of color would assume the same voice, because they’re not talking about having the same amount of opinions, but just have they skin tone difference. They’re talking about having a specific type of opinion that they assume people of color will have.

Sean: Yes. Liberal whites want people of color to say what they’re saying.

Dick: Yes. Because they think it’s more valuable. It’s the same reason why they’re propping up all these anti-gun kids. Yeah, they’re saying what we’re saying, but they have an identity, so it’s more valuable. Motherfucker, no it’s not. What are you talking about? But then the kids that are like pro-gun, they’re like, “This guy’s a bad guy, he doesn’t know. He’s been influenced too much.”

Bunty: Yeah. That is so crazy. The whole – I absolutely despise that whole, “you know what, that guy’s listening to the right stuff, so we’re goijng to go ahead and listen to what he’s saying. This guy’s listening to the wrong stuff, so let’s not talk about what he’s saying.”

Sean: Let’s negate that opinion.

Dick: Yeah. And it’s getting very – the amount of vitriol in the public sphere is increasing – it seems to increase every year in a way that I don’t remember it doing when I was like a teenager. Bunty, how old are you?

Bunty: I’m 30, man.

Dick: You’re 30? Okay, I’m 37.

Sean: I’m 40. (They grow up so fast!)

Dick: You’re 40. I don’t remember people hating each other this much when I was a kid.

Bunty: Fuck no dude! No way man. I went to a Christian high school, and that’s where I felt like I had some of the most – I felt the most bigotry from teachers too. I remember this one teacher, my moral religious education teacher, she said, “you are a heathen.” I was like what the fuck? It’s not something you say to a fucking kid. You don’t call a kid a heathen, you know? That was my school, that was my teacher saying that to me, right? And even then it was way more chilled out than it is now. Now people are just full-blown insane, and it sucks, because I’ve got like 1 foot in reality at all times, so when I’m seeing the stuff that’s being parroted online, I’m like, “either they’re in some other reality, or they just don’t leave their house ever.” It’s like they have to…

Sean: Both are true.

Bunty: I’m sorry?

Sean: Both things are true.

Bunty: Yeah. It’s just like – and also social media rewards anger, because anger spreads the most. If you make someone angry, they’re gonna tell a bunch of other people they’re angry and why they’re angry, and why they should be angry too.

Dick: I’ll tell you dude: That’s why I’m such a cocksucker to your friends, because the only way to get people to pay attention in my experience on social media is to get under their skin so they’re compelled to respond to you. It’s shitty, I will admit that it’s a shitty thing to do, but fuck is it not effective.

Bunty: Yeah, I agree. I mean it takes some skill to not respond to it. There’s some things that I see said about me, but people who I think are so hateful. Okay, I got – my recent suspension that happened on Friday, I got suspended for targeted abuse. Targeted abuse? What the fuck?

Dick: Who was your target that you were abusing?

Bunty: There was literally no target, it was an observation that I made about (Shoe On Head?) who’s another YouTuber I’m pretty sure everybody knows about her. She constantly rags on turfs recently. TERFs are trans-exclusionary radical feminists, I think that’s what they stand for.

Dick: Yeah, can you say it slower? I’m a very straight man, I have a hard time with all these new trends.

Bunty: Trans, exclusionary, radical, feminists.

Dick: Okay. So they’re radical feminists that don’t accept trans people as women?

Bunty: Exactly. So they…

Dick: I mean that makes sense form their point of view.

Bunty: From their point of view, yeah. And also my friend Lacy Green was there, and she was explaining, and she felt – she actually responded to this thread that I got banned for. It’s interesting, because this thread actually got started from a nice conversation, and people were actually talking to each other, which is what normally happens on my platform. It’s something I don’t really understand why that hasn’t really caught on yet. But she mentions that – she talks about how the penis is biologically male. So she gets labeled as a TERF, because she’s saying the penis is biologically male. I was like, what? That’s crazy, you’re not a TERF. But then there’s the people who’s just like, “I’m willing to accept…”

Dick: Sean, the penis is male. You can’t be saying that online. Are you kidding me? That’s unacceptable to advertisers. You are off Twitter! You can’t be saying that the penis is male! Go ahead.

Bunty: I’m willing to acknowledge that gender is a social construct in the sense that if a guy wants to be called a woman or he wants me to call her she, I’ll be down. I don’t care. If it makes them happy, that’s great. It literally has no effect on my life whatsoever. Alright, want me to call you she? No problem. I don’t need to hang out with them all the time. If they’re a really good friend of mine, yeah, sure, I’ll even be more inclined to do it.

Dick: I’ll tell you, I’m also in favor of if somebody also wants to make fun of them because it makes them happy. I’m fine with that too. Call yourself whatever you want, and yeah, make fun of whatever you want. I don’t care.

Bunty: But if that person was making fun of them was going out of their way to kind of like, you know, be around them all the time and make dun of them…

Dick: Yeah, that’s stalking.

Bunty: Yeah, exactly. I agree though. I think that everyone should be able to say anything, and everyone should be able to decide for themselves what is acceptable. But we have these institutions that are deciding what’s acceptable, when the reality is that most people are like,” we don’t fucking care. We just want to chill out.”

Dick: You know what’s funny? I hear the meme a lot that the left is eating itself, and this should be a good example of that. Where someone like Lacy Green is actually a feminist, she’s getting criticized for not being progressive enough. But both sides do it. Like even on the conservative side, it’s like,” Oh, you’re slightly allowing gun control? You could get the hell out! Hey, don’t do that. Don’t fucking do that.” You’re whatever against our argument. You’re arguing against the point. You know what I mean?

Bunty: Yeah. I would say that in terms of what I’ve been seeing now, it’s just too polarizing. Everyone’s digging into their trenches, right? And there’s 2 sides, that’s it. People just want to break it down to 2 sides. Anyway, yeah. This Tweet I had put out was pretty much, it was just emojis and assy characters dude. Like, you know, ascii or something like that.

Dick: In the shape of a swastika, no big deal.

Bunty: Not in the shape of a swastika, it was in the shape of a building. It looked like a building, and I make it – it was something I copied. I saw someone use it in a different way, then I decided to use it in another way. And like, It pretty much shows someone being pushed off of a building. And I said pretty much any day on Twitter or something like that, and I said, “Show on Head & co.” as the person who’s pushing the head off the building. That’s what I’m seeing. I’m seeing – this is what I see happen all the time .Pretty much this dunking on them all the time. So they came in, and I immediately saw a bunch of people who weren’t following be like, “why are you celebrating people getting pushed off of buildings?” I was like what the fuck? That’s not what I’m doing at all.

Dick: It’s just a picture, man.

Bunty: It’s not even just a picture dude, it’s just a bunch of emojis. I’ll email it to you if you want to see it.

Dick: I saw it. I remember what you’re talking about. It’s just like a little bunch of ask-y letters, Sean, that are made into a building, and a dude getting pushed off. Like, there is – I think that there must be some kind of genetic defect where people don’t understand what is or what is not a joke. Like starting with the Count Dankula thing, even going all the way back to my Men are Better than Women shot on Dr. Phil, which you saw. People are fundamentally not able to admit that something that they’re looking at is fake.

\Sean: That’s why we have satire tags.

Dick: Exactly. There must be some kind of mutation, like being a redhead or having a huge Dick or something that lets people not be able to understand that what they’re looking at is just a fucking joke.

Sean: And now it’s not okay to look like an asshole online. It must be somebody else’s fault.

Dick: We’ve gotta test for it. We gotta sent out kits where if you swab your cheek, and you put it in the solution that says you don’t have a fucking sense of humor, you do not get to be on the fucking internet, because you’re fucking ruining it.

Bunty: Not on the internet, I think they should just be sent to camps.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: No, that’s considered your beliefs as a white supremacist, right?

Dick: This is what Count Dankula’s pug was doing. We’re gonna actually – the only way to stop Count Dankula is to actually have a Nazi rally where we show up and have an ironic Nazi rally that we’re just joking about, and say, “You can’t possibly arrest all of us. You can’t possibly arrest the entire fucking world, and we are all seig heiling Count Dankula’s fucking pug. This is – we have a podium.

Sean: Love so much that it was a pug. I love that so much.

Dick: THAT”S THE JOKE! A fucking joke!

Sean: This is not the crowning achievement of modern dog breeding here.

Dick: Well what’s your video about man, that you’re working on?

Bunty: Right now I’m doing a video on video games. I’m fucking too late on this shit, but the whole Trump talking about violence in video games stuff.

Dick: Oh, was he talking about violence in video games? Please tell me he was not saying violent video games cause violence.

Bunty: Yeah, totally. You didn’t hear that?

Dick: No! Nooo! Noooo Trump! You son of a bitch!

Bunty: You didn’t hear about that? Here’s the thing: In the video I do mention that Trump has never played a video game in his life, and I don’t expect him to because he’s busy doing other shit. So I don’t expect him to really know what the fuck he’s talking about, but I also just expect him to talk shit in front of the camera while everybody else figures things out. He’s not there to figure out everything.

Dick: He’s there to lead, not to read.

Bunty: He’s amazing at manipulating the media. He’s one of the best in the game. So I just see it, and I wasn’t too concerned about all the bullshit, but I was actually looking at what game journalists were saying. If you aren’t aware of what’s been happening in game journalism for the last bit is that there’s been a lot of problems in journalists that have just been taking their time to shit on games. Shit on games for saying they promote misogyny, all this stuff. They have all these bad problems, and next thing you know, Trump says something bad, and they’re like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can’t believe it’s 2018 and we’re still blaming video games.” We’re like, what the fuck, you’re been doing it for the last 4 years.

Dick: Yeah. I subscribed to Nintendo Power magazine. I had Nintendo Power magazine #1 that I got for free with my fucking –

Bunty: Do you still have it?

Dick: Yeah. I got the entire fucking run. I got like probably 10 years of Nintendo Power Magazines in my parents’ house just taking up space like the piece of shit that I am. The first one I got by sending in a card that came with my Nintendo Entertainment Robby the Robot system, and they sent it for free. Every single one since.

Sean: You had that stupid robot?

Dick: Yeah, it sucked. It was a big disappointment. I used to love reading about – just going on IGN, just reading about games that I would never have the time to play, but Bunty’s right. Some sort of evil force has taken over game journalism, and I don’t know who they’re writing it for. But they are not writing it for me anymore. I avoid game journalism like the plague now, because it’s about mind reading now. It’s all these professional mind readers that tell you what the developers were thinking when they made these characters that’s always fucking wrong or fucked, or some weird projection of – like, the design of the character. The tits are too big, it’s too sexy. Who the fuck cares? What the fuck are you talking about?! It’s a drawing! It’s a cartoon! The entire thing is fantasy! What the fuck are you talking about?

Sean: Music journalists are guilty of this, and have been for years of reading into…

Dick: Are they?

Sean: Oh yeah. Different records that I’ve worked on…

Dick: The fucking mind reading has got to stop!

Sean: I’ve actually talked to the songwriter, and you’ll see after the record comes out, and it’s like they attribute all these social causes to this thing, and he’s like, “No, I just wanted to write a – there wasn’t any big thought behind it. I wasn’t around for this period of time. I just wanted to.”

Dick: It’s a tune that got in my head while I was talking a shit, and I turned it into a song./ That’ s what it is.

Sean: Yeah, and I just laughed. Like I’ll never forget the LA Times review. I just sat there, read it, and laughed, and I wend, “wow, you’re a complete moron.” You’re too dumb to live.

Dick: It started with the “games are art” thing. That pissed me off. It’s like, “Oh, you guys are making a deal with the devil calling video games art, because then the art critics are going to come out, and they are fucking assholes.”

Sean: Yeah. They’re the classical crowd.

Dick: Yeah. They’re the masters at turning the things that are worth nothing into things that are worth something. Talk about turning a mole into a mountain, right? Mole hill into a mountain. Anyway.

Bunty: The scene has changed drastically over the years. It really has. But at the same time, you can spot the stuff that you still like. They still do cover industry events and they still talk about wholesome shit, but the stuff that’s the loudest is the – because that’s what social media propagates honestly. It’s not just the journalism, it’s journalism + social media. Because people forget that there’s a difference between the two, and that one is pretty much a tool. But the tool is just, once again, anger is like the #1 – it’s the best lubricant for it. It just gets it going, and then happiness second, so laughter and stuff like that second. It’s harder to make people laugh than it is to make people angry obviously, so that’s what happens. That’s why it seems like there’s more of it. I’m not into this whole conspiracy thing where like, “The left are – that’s an institution, or they,” no, I don’t care about any of that. I just think that there’s something that makes people money and gets them more clicks, and what gets them more clicks is sensational hippies and shit. You mentioned the music industry, what’s his name? Anthony Fantano, another fucking cool dude I know. Love that guy. He had a hit piece written about him by some publication named Fader I never even heard about them. It’s because he is one of the people that’s really, really good at presenting music. If you want a good music review, you’ll listen to Anthony Fantano talk about it. But these people who obviously see that he has more influence wanted to tear him down, so they try to conflate him with the alt-right, talk about how he dog whistles and stuff like that, which is really fucking crazy.

Dick: All these fucking terms now, we need a new – in 30 years, we’re not even gonna be able to understand. It’s gonna be a different language. It’s gonna be like, what is it, Gay-lick? What’s the old Irish?

Sean: Well there’s multiple Gallic languages, there’s like 7 or 8 of them I believe.

Dick: I dunno what you’re talking about. Dog whistling, jibber-jabber.

Bunty: Everyone’s got dog whistling. I’ve been accused of dig whistling. “Oh, what you said is this, but what you really meant is this. I dunno. What it really meant is exactly what I just said.

Dick: Yeah. I’ve been accused of that a lot. You know what’s funny? Bunty King was originally gonna call in about eating pussy. That’s how this – that’s how we started talking. Now look at us. This is.

Bunty: You were talking about kicking a girl out of bed because she’s on her period. I was like, “What are you fucking saying?” I’ve had sex with girls on their period. I’ve gone down on a girl on her period.

Dick: Bunty! These are new – the sheets! It’s not the – I’ll do – I’ll look like a fucking vampire when I’m done eating a chick out who’s on the rag, but these are my new fucking sheets that I’m talking about. My treasured sheets. We gotta go in the guest room or on the couch or something like that.

Sean: It took him a week of research to pick these out.

Dick: It took me god knows how long to get these fucking sheets.

Bunty: Okay, okay. I get it.

Dick: I’m down with the raw dog.

Bunty: I really – honestly, first of all, every girlfriend has told me that they are horniest when they’re on their period, and I’m like – so I’m like, “now I know that women are horniest when they’re on their period.” And so why not? Why not do them that favor? If you want to do it in the shower, you can do it in the shower. If you just want to put a towel down, put a towel down then toss it into the wash afterwards. You’re good to go.

Dick: I love when they say, “Well I’m on my period, is that – you probably don’t want to do anything because I’m on my period.” Then I’m like, “Oh yeah, I definitely do.” I don’t even care if they’re lying and they know that it doesn’t matter. When they’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m on my period, you probably wouldn’t want to fuck the shit out of me.”

Bunty: Oh yeah, no, I’m down all the time. The thing is, I’m not dating a girl unless I want to have sex with her at all times. That’s the thing, why would I date her? Why would I date her at that point? There’s obviously more than one reason why I’d date her, but that’s a big reason there. I need to be able to have sex with a person.

Dick: Yeah. I want her to put some gross shit in her mouth too. Gimme a roll of pennies, I’ll suck that roll of pennies all day. Gimme dat fucking copper. Give me that metal taste in my mouth.

Bunty: I always shower before I give it to them. I’m a good guy like that. I don’t wanna give them a Dirty Dick.

Dick: That’s the cut – not just a ball sink bath, you do the whole shower?

Bunty: I straight up have to shower. I’d feel terrible. I’d feel like a bastard if I did that. I wouldn’t want to do that.

Dick: I gotta tell you I do too, and I heard that in Japan…

Bunty: (laughs) You caught that one real quick.

Dick: No, I like it to be like – I like everything to be very, very clean. I like it to be like a romance novel.

Bunty: I think it’s a normal person thing to do honestly. I think the only people who don’t do that are really dirty people who probably don’t have hot girlfriends to be with, so it’s okay.

Dick: Well, I’ve been to burning man a couple of times, and it does take some getting used to to have sex with someone who hasn’t bathed – like if you haven’t bathed and they haven’t bathed, and it’s sweltering hot. It’s a different process that takes you back to a different age I would say where you fuck differently in the middle ages when brides are carrying around giant bouquets of flowers to hide their stench.

Bunty: Would you recommend burning man?

Dick: Yes! Abso-fucking-lutely. Especially a guy with your kinda mind. It is a…

Sean: It’s a bastion of white supremacists.

Bunty: Now I’m at a point where I’m like – how do I regain my platform, how do I do it? I filed another appeal and then they rejected it. They said I’m…

Dick: Yeah. It’s some 23-year-old fucking moron whose job it is to just reject shit all day. I’ve never gotten one damn appeal through. Let me – I’m gonna set you up with my old camp a burning man. It’s really hard to get tickets, and they always get them every year. I used to do an art piece at burning man every year. A giant clock that flashed 12. Was like a 12-foot tall clock that looked like a broken clock. I think you’d love it. It’s all about expression and excess I guess. It’s like a choose your own involvement, except everyone’s into it which is the best part. Everyone’s traveled a long way to have a good attitude and be into it, and they’ve proved it by making the journey, od it’s a lot of fun.

Bunty: That’s pretty cool man, I’m down.

Dick: Let me ask you, let’s see. I ask everybody what makes them a rage. You got anything that makes you a rage?

Bunty: Makes me rage?

Dick: Yeah, makes you a rage.

Bunty: Like what do you mean?

Dick: Like what pisses you off.

Bunty: What really pisses me off? I would just say it’s rude people, man. When you are like…

Dick: He’s talking about you, Sean.

Bunty: … When I hold out a hand and then they slap it away. It’s like, you fucking piece of shit. What are you doing? Then they’ll go around, and fucking complain about how nobody wants to work with them. “No, it’s impossible.” You motherfucker, I’ve been holding my fucking hand out the entire time! That pisses me off. And also mischaracterizing people. When people go out of their way to lie about someone, and then present that lie as a truth, I think that is completely fucking evil. Especially on a big platform. If people tried doing that to me, thankfully I’ve got a pretty good record. I know everything I said, I’m polite with everyone for the most part. So if anyone tries to say anything crazy about me, it just falls on deaf ears. But I’m lucky that I don’t have a history. Like, you have a history. People can drudge up your shit from ages past and be like, “What the fuck is this,” and then they can just hold that over you forever. I hate people that bring up stuff from 10 years ago. Like that the fuck dude, where were you 10 years ago?

Dick: especially bringing up a satire – bringing up a quote that’s from a satirical work, completely void of the context of the satire. Like taking one sentence out of a book that is satire is not a fair representation of then work. You know what I mean? You don’t pull out a couple notes from the song and go, “There you go. That’s pretty much what the song is about.” No, it’s not! At least give them the title! Talking about being misrepresented, this whole thing started because Maddox made a video and released it to all of our mutual friends in LA that said I condone rape and that my show runs a rape list message board, because somebody created a post on an 8chan forum that nobody knew about, that was in and of itself a joke, because it had pictures of like – it was a catchphrase that he himself started on the old show, and had pictures of Hillary Clinton and stupid shit. He released a video explaining that I was a rape apologist to the entire LA comedy community. And you know Maddox, he’s a famous guy, he’s a big guy. I got kicked off a extremely successful show that I had been a headliner on for years, and basically disowned by every fucking friend that I thought I had in the community. That’s how all of this fucking started. So yeah, I agree with you. Misrepresenting people is a big fucking rage.

Bunty: Holy shit. That’s really fucked up dude.

Dick: Yup. It sure fucking it.

Bunty: I wonder what they’re gonna say when they find out that I’ve been on your show. I mean at this point I really don’t – it’s whatever. I’m pretty sure that I’ve – that would be interesting to see how they’d react though, because I haven’t said anything bad about anybody.

Dick: Yeah. And you don’t need to. I say enough bad about everybody.

Bunty: The thing is, when I met Maddox, I was meeting a guy who I remember reading when I was in college. Some people compare my work to his, and I was like, alright, that’s cool.

Sean: that’s what everyone says, college.

Bunty: Well I wasn’t meeting him as a fan. I don’t meet any of these people as fans, because I don’t consume an immense amount of their content. I see their content, I like it, and I make my own content, then I listen to their opinion based on what they’re talking about and try to figure out what they’re saying and either agree or disagree with them. I have a – it’s just weird, because this story you’re telling me about what happened to you is just – that’s fucked up man. That’s really crazy that someone could just go and do that to you.

Dick: you know what’s even more fucked up is the video’s still fucking up.

Bunty: But the thing is though that you’re doing well for yourself though. I saw your Patreon and you’re doing super well. So I mean you’re obviously not someone who’s shunned from the entire LA community.

Dick: Oh no, I’m out man. I got kicked off of the shows, none of my friends will talk to me, they won’t even come on the show because of shit like that. Like explicitly they won’t come on. LA is very fucking different to anywhere in the world. The proximity of people to someone like me who even jokes about gender relations and who kind of pushes the envelope let’s say on offensive comedy, that’s a big niche here. Maddox’s fucking guys in his network fucking called my commercial agent, left voicemails about how I’m a rape apologist. They got a Pizza Hut commercial of mine removed. The only reason I’m successful at all is because random people on the internet support the comedy that we do. But all my friends, people that I’ve known for years, are just fucking gone.

Bunty: What the fuck? That’s crazy.

Dick: Yup! Welcome to LA, motherfucker.

Bunty: That’s insane. I noticed that some people, I’m not gonna name names, have gotten a little bit distant with me in terms of like when the whole internet blood sports thing happened, and I was really distant. I distanced myself in a way form the overall scene, but not from the people. But I noticed that some people don’t interact with me as much. I know some people would come by often. For the most part a lot of people do, but it’s just a – I dunno, it’s weird man. People – it sucks. Like I said, you seem like a chill guy. I don’t know you that well. I know me, and I know what I carry, and I’m trying to be as good as I can possibly be with people. And man, if something that happened to you – that same thing that happened to you happened to me, if I was in LA, that would be devastating bro. I’m happy that you’ve been able to survive, and that you had an audience that cares enough to be able so support you this way, because that’s just shit man. That’s completely shit. I also don’t think that people should have lies ruin their career, man. Whatever went down between you and Maddox in terms of like whether you were harassing him or not, I will never be able to really know, because I only get a glimpse of it, and I’m talking to you. It’s very possible that you guys had differences, but like, it’s not m job or not my place to figure out who’s the right and who’s the wrong one. The last time I did that in fact, I was gonna bring this up. The last time I did this was in 2012. My buddies who started Epic Meal Time were feuding. These guys had a fucking lawsuit. It was Harley Morenstein v. Sterling Toth. I picked a side based on purely emotion, because I didn’t like Harley, because Harley started Epic Meal Time and got a bunch of other people on and didn’t bring me along. I was pissed off. I was jealous, I was upset. So I lashed out at him, and when I found out this lawsuit was happening I picked a side, and it was a stupid thing to do because there’s 2 sides to every story, and I only heard one side. And recently just heard the other side. It’s like, if I do something like that ever again, it’d be the dumbest thing ever, because I learned my lesson in 2012 in just picking a side based on how I may feel about something or how I may feel about a certain person.

Dick: I agree with you.

Bunty: Sorry about that, I ramble a lot.

Dick: No, no. I agree with you, and I think that’s what everyone else has done. I think that all of Maddox’s buddy e-celebs vocally have picked him and have ignored all criticism of it, and that’s why I’m so fucking pissed off at them. Anyway man, I’m gonna go.

Bunty: I’m sorry for taking so much time, I apologize to your audience.

Dick: No, no. NO! Get outta here, you’re great. You’re very soothing to listen to after me screaming about sheets and periods and Smurfs.

Bunty: It’s okay. I feel bad because there were some people in here in the waiting room while I was watching in the waiting room, and I want to give them some time.

Dick: We’ll get to them. Thanks for calling in man.

Bunty: It’s my pleasure man. Thanks for having me. Peace.

Dick: Have a good one. Later. I like Bunty. I like that guy a lot.

Sean: Yeah, he seems pretty measured. Doesn’t seem like – he’s not one to jump to conclusions necessarily.

Dick: He sounded pissed at me when he called in.

Sean: Yeah, he kinda did.

Dick: I’m used to that. I’m used to people meeting me and being already pissed off and then talking to them for a little bit.

Sean: Not something that phases you.

Dick: That’s a skill I’ve developed over years of pissing people off.

Sean: Over your life. “Now I dunno how to feel!”

Dick: Yeah, I like that. I like that feeling. “Confused and aroused!” Forgot to ask him about his beard. I wanted to ask about Sikhs too. Sikhery, because I heard that their whole thing is this fighting Muslims, like Wahabis. The Sunnis and the Sikhs, are they the ones that fight? (No, they are not.) I thought they carried those big curved swords to fight like Muslim terrorists.

Sean: Don’t Sunnis and the Shia’s have problems?

Dick: Shi-ites.

Sean: Yeah. Those are 2 sects of Islam.

Dick: They gotta change… One of them’s gotta change their name so it’s easier to remember who’s the good guy, you know? I think it’s the Sunnis that are the good guys, and the Shi-ites are the ones – or the Wahabis. I only know that from Alex Jones though. (laughing) I’m pretty sure that’s a good source. I’m gonna play – I’m gonna play this one. It’s called “Looking at Dicks Patreon,” by Ethan Cantrell. Very talented. Talented young man.

(Dick starts the song)

(Dick stops the song)

Dick: I always stop the song there because of The Big Lebowski. I’ve got some reddit rages for you here. Chronus_Poo, “Too long of firsts. I heard on the radio that so-and-so would be the first female person of color to direct a movie that costs more than 100 million dollars to make. Way to specific. You get one adjective and one noun.

Sean: Yeah. A lot of qualifiers there.

Dick: First, blankity blank to do whatever it is.

Sean: The first single by a Sikh band to break the Billboard top 100 every third Tuesday when the bells ring.

Dick: Kyle_Belmont says, “People who can only communicate their distaste for something or someone in sarcasm. Otherwise known as being passive aggressive. If you don't like something just say it you pussy.” Yeah, but you can’t. All the internet’s training us to be passive aggressive.

Sean: That’s true.

Dick: Really fucking is. DoctorMadcow “Pointless Childish Corporate Events. We have an "Egg Race" at noon today.” God damn. That’s so humiliating. Those mandatory fun activities at work, because you know who exactly is having a good time at that event, and you fucking hate them, and they’re the worst employees ever, because they’re there to have a family, and not to work like you. My family and loved ones are at home, outside of this inescapable prison that I’m at for 8 hours a day. All the relationships that I have with them are special. I’ve chosen to have them because it makes me feel better emotionally. This is the opposite. I have no choice. Some of you I hate less than others, but I do not want to entangle – I don’t want to play games with you, I don’t want to make anyone in my family file any reports for me. Totally separate, work and home. Every year, work tries to mix the two, so to trick you into doing more work, because they think that you love them, but you don’t. No bowling nights.

Sean: You just hate some people less. I hate you all.

Dick: I hate you all, don’t het me wrong. I’d trade all of you for nothing. I wouldn’t even jump in front of an insult for you people.

Sean: No. If any of you were laying, dying in a gutter, I would step on your head so I wouldn’t get my shoes wet.

Dick: I’d file a report about it. If you were on file – fire, I would file a report. Opposite of my family. No familial feelings here at all. There’s no friendship here. The Office tried to trick people into thinking that was their family. It’s not. Just a bunch of people that you know. Just a bunch of people that you happen to be around. Yeah, there you go. And it is annoying. Oh, we have a work…

Sean: A mandatory corporate fun day.

Dick: Just give me the money! AllahHatesFags says, “Lettuce Jones telling everyone to use the Squatty Potty. Fuck that, my toilet is my throne and the only place I know I am alone. I spend time there not just shitting, but reading, browsing my phone, or sometimes just thinking in solitude. I don't get to do those things if I have to squat like a dog while I shit. Lettuce Jones should move to China…”

Sean: Do you think Landau has a Squatty Potty?

Dick: Yeah. He’s probably got one of those eye masks that you put in the fridge. “Lettuce Jones should move to China where everyone squats and become Bok Choy Jones.” That’s what his name should be. Let’s see… I’ve got a life advice question that I think would be pertinent to people in this day in age. If you think that it’s common enough of an issue. “I’m 21, a working professional who just moved to a new city. I’m 6”1 and alift. My looks actually get complimented on a regular basis. I have about 2,000 matches on Tinder.” What?! Fuck, that’s a lot of matches. “I feel like I have all the components of being successful with women, but I’m missing a piece between work, the gym, and commuting. How the fuck do I meet women naturally? It just seems weird to go to a bar by myself and just sit there.” Okay buddy, let me tell you why it feels weird: Because no woman on earth does that. Women are not going to bars sitting by themselves. “It feels like everyone just wants to do their business and not meet new people. Thanks for an awesome show and good luck with the lolsuit. Tell Life Coach to go fuck himself.” Yeah, that’s a weird thing you gotta learn about meeting chicks. You gotta do chick stuff to meet them, and it sucks because it’s miserable. Like you gotta go to book stores. You’ve gotta go to festivals. Like everything that you see chicks doing and think…

Sean: I’d rather eat my own testicles.

Dick: Than do that. Yeah, I’d just rather be buried alive than go there. Have fun, you just have to do it to meet women. And you have to enjoy it. It’s the fucking worst thing.

Sean: It’s really true.

Dick: Every second of it is torture and weird, but…

Sean: And they’ll never understand why you don’t want to do it or are not having a good time. Just realize that and be okay with it.

Dick: Yeah. You gotta find some chick that you don’t have a romantic chemistry with at all, like a friend. But only a friend for this objective, which is going to these chick things with someone so you don’t have to go alone with the purpose of meeting people. Like if she’s about it too, that’s great, but maybe she just likes to do shit. Chicks like going out and doing these things, and they’ll bring anybody along with them. Fucking farmer’s market type events. Outdoor concert. Uhg. These are the things you have to do to meet women.

Sean: Generally horrible experiences.

Dick: Book readings. Like find a fucking book reading, and who gives a fuck what it’s for, just go there. Find a social butterfly. Find a chick that likes to go to events. Trust me, there are a ton of them.

Sean: Some outdoor local art exhibit.

Dick: Art walk. Uhg. If you find something that makes you want to throw up, and you’d rather drink that throw up…

Sean: A protest.

Dick: Oh, a protest. It’s the season for protesting. Doesn’t matter what it’s for. Go to a gun protest. They don’t know. The chicks there, they don’t know. They won’t be a pain in the ass.

Sean: Somebody’s play.

Dick: Yeah. Too many bing bongs concert. Not a comedy festival though. Don’t get sucked into those.

Sean: I have to go now.

Dick: Disgusting. You gotta do that, anonymous guy. You can meet chicks at a bar, but it’s a lot harder. They’re there, but they’re usually there in having an event. And like – fucking women are impossible to pull away from their schedules. As much of a pain in the ass it is when you get a girlfriend and they start scheduling shit 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 20 years in advance, they do that to themselves too. They don’t start doing that when they start dating you, they do that all the time. So you get all these matches like this guy has on Tinder, like, “Hey, you wanna go hang out this weekend?” “Oh I can’t because I’m going to my friend’s book reading, and then I have a single ladies shower where it’s like a bridal shower, except we just go celebrate being singles. And then I have a brunch on Sunday, and then I’m going to see my sisters.” It’s like, bitch, why are you doing all this shit? How are you ever going to meet a fucking husband cramming your schedule like a thanksgiving turkey. What the hell’s wrong with you? Have some free time! Learn how to fucking cancel! You have to scream to these chicks, “can you just knock out a night of the hanging out with the same fucking people that you see probably 3 or 4 times a week so that we can go on a date to see if we want to propagate the human species?

Sean: Because they don’t know how to tell little lies.

Dick: I dunno what it is. Maybe you’re right.

Sean: When it comes to that kinda stuff.

Dick: But god. I’ve gotta work 6 days this week, and I volunteer just to work an extra day, and then I’m going to – my dogs are having a fashion show, I’m going to that. I can’t possibly cancel that. I’m going to my friend’s open night. She’s ben doing it for 10 years, but I like to go and support. Like, what the fuck are you doing? As much as I’ve ever heard women complain about guys spending time with their friends, bitch, you spend all fucking night every night doing god knows what in your little murders of single women going around. How about some time for me over here? How about a night off? It’s so frustrating with chicks on Tinder. Like this guy I’m sure is saying. 2000 matches, when are you free? Sometime in 2020. Great. Great. So go to what they’re doing.

Sean: Yeah. I think you’re right.

Dick: It’s the only option. It’s the only option. Let me talk to – I want to talk to Digibro.

Digibro: Hey!

Dick: Hey Digi, are you there?

Digibro: I am here, what is up Dick?

Dick: What’s up man, it’s been a while. I think you called in after Road Rage Philadelphia.

Digibro: Yeah. I called last time I owed the government a bunch of money, and now I do again, except extra, because I still owe them money from last year.

Dick: Dude, you are getting absolutely crucified on Twitter from my point of view.

Digibro: I’m glad that you decided to open with that, because I wanted to bring it up. It’s highly relevant to what you guys were just discussing.

Dick: I gotta say – I gotta warn everybody this is a very uncomfortable topic, what you’re gonna talk about.

Digibro: It’s – whatever. If you’re a pussy it’s an uncomfortable topic.

Dick: I’m uncomfortable talking about it.

Sean: What are you doing? Are you playing with something?

Digibro: Sorry, I was just adjusting my mic.

Dick: I gotta say 2 things. #1: You made a 3-hour full-on lecture of the hot goss surrounding this show. Like, it’s Digibro presenting everything that’s happened with The Biggest Problem and the breakup and all the various moments of the show. It’s an analysis of the characters involved. It’s a 3-fucking-hour academic lecture that he gives surrounding the show. It’s fucking great.

Sean: Impressive.

Digibro: Thank you.

Dick: Yeah. Very impressive. And thank you very much for doing it.

Digibro: I made it so I’d have a reason to come on the show again.

Dick: Did you really?

Digibro: Well, partly. But I mean I had plans to make this for over 6 months. It just so happened that I couldn’t really make until me and all those other people gathered again, because it’s just me and my internet friends who just once in a while get together and make a bunch of live action videos. So we have this series of lectures where we did one on Chris Chan, which is fucking magnificent, and I recommend checking out if you’re interested in lolcow history. I mean this is kind of similar. Maddox at this point is kind of a lolcow, so I guess you can call this a lolcow history video, but I kind of wanted to approach the subject from more of the emotional end, and the angle of having been a fan for a long time, because now everybody’s talking about it. When I intended to do this lecture, there wasn’t 1000 videos about it because the lolsuit hadn’t happened yet. And then when I sort of looked at the people who were coming to the lolsuit, a lot of them are new to the story. They weren’t really following it from all the way back. Some of them don’t even really know who Maddox is or who you are, they’re just kind of reporting on the story. And I was like, let’s talk about what it’s like to experience this as a fan. To watch this happen, to watch a creator who you looked up to for decades suddenly turn into a fucking insane person.

Dick: Yeah. It’s great. He does focus more on the actual characters involved instead of just the timeline going through it. It’s real fucking interesting. Sean, you haven’t seen this at all I imagine.

Sean: I didn’t see it.

Dick: I’ll send it to you. I want to play a part, but there’s a guy who drops hard R N-bombs during the video.

Digibro: He’s not white if that makes it easier for you.

Dick: It does not. I really want to avoid those parts if possible. Is there a part you recommend I play?

Digibro:I mean, he says it only twice, and it’s real random in the video. I have not timestamped this or anything, I have no idea what parts…

Dick: I’m gonna play a little bit of it.

Digibro: Everyone tells me that they cringe for the first minute, and then they get deeply engrossed after that, because I open with a parody of The Dick Show opening, meaning I scream “Yeah” for about 50 seconds.

Dick: Yeah. My nephews do that, I smack them every time. Don’t you fucking dare give me that weak yeah. Don’t you give me that Simba shit. I’m gonna play a little bit of the 2-hour mark.

(Dick starts the clip)

Dick: There’s a white board that has a little drawing of Maddox and me, then nuclear goss bomb, then the red wedding. It’s a comedy – it looks like a collegeic lecture.

Dick: I’ll go a little bit earlier before everybody gets silly.

Sean: Is pineapple a racial term?

Dick: I dunno.

“Dick is a very close friend of Sean the audio engineer. Apparently Dick used to buy drugs from him back in high school.”

Dick: No, that’s false.

Sean: Is he talking about me?

Digibro: The wiki says that Sean used to sell you drugs.

Dick: No, no. Sean bought alcohol from me once so I could… Sean, I’m sorry.

(Like 2 minutes worth of either crosstalk or dead silence until dick ends the clip.)

Dick: Alright, I’m gonna get sucked in if I watch too much of this. I really fucking love it man, thank you so much for doing it.

Digibro: I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s sort of what I do. I make analytical things about media. But it’s especially fascinating when it’s all just real, and I don’t have to theorize about anything or speculate, it’s just like, “Here’s what happened, It’s fucking crazy.” The reality is already insane.

Dick: I love hearing it too, because you get like what Didi thinks is important to go over, and it’s always like – because I think about everything in terms of me and my relation to these people, but it’s weird to get an overall – that is more important. It’s more entertaining for me to see the chaos develop not through my eyes.

Sean: From a one step removed.

Dick: How did you convince these 6 people to sit down and watch this 3 hour…

Digibro: So this is a group who – we have a podcast called The Procrastinators Podcast, and it’s me and like – there’s 9 people in it total, but like we’re just a bunch of friends who have bene doing YouTube videos for a really long time, and we’ve been friends for 4 years, and we want to – we want to be Red Letter Media basically. We want to have that studio setup that they’ve got when they do half in the bag, but we all have to move to one place, and you need to kind of be successful on the internet already to get there, and all of us – we all live off of Patreon, like not enough to pack pu your bags and move to one place. So every once in a while we just do a Kickstarter to fly everyone to one place. So there’s actually 5 of these lectures that we filmed back to back.

Dick: Oh my god.

Digibro: Like literally, one of them was a 5 hour lecture on the story of all of Final Fantasy. One is explaining spirit science.

Dick: What do you mean? What spirit science?

Digibro: Do you know of the YouTube channel spirit science, or the general idea of spirit science?

Dick: Is it the one where like humans used to be these giants and you’ve gotta focus…

Digibro: Yes. We used to be able to teleport and shit.

Dick: Yes! I watched that whole series and it’s so fucking fun. It’s the most insane bullshit that you could ever see on the internet.

Digibro: Subscribe to the channel and wait for the lecture, because it’s – the kid who said the word that you didn’t want to hear gives the lecture, and he’s a 17-year-old psychotic performance artist who’s also like a mad genius, and his lecture’s great. It’s not out yet, unfortunately, but I’ll link you as soon as it comes.

Dick: Oh man Sean, do you like consuming insane wholistic theories like spirit theories?

Sean: They usually make me very angry.

Dick: What’d you say Digibro?

Digibro: Conspiracy is a word I would use. It’s kind of a conspiracy theory, but also like an origin story like a bible. It’s like scientology, but for YouTubers.

Dick: It’s the kind of thing that I think would just make you angry.

Sean: It probably would.

Dick: But I love it! They’re talking about the chakras and it’s just like this invention of this insane mythology that only ever grows. That’s why I love it so much, because every – like harry potter fake. There’s always a point where the author starts to close it off and it gets less fun, but the spirit science people and the flat earth people just always grow it. “Why not this? Well what’s on the other side of the disk? Actually, it’s the reverse reality where…” Ah, yeah, give me more! Give me more things to – I like this better than comic books.

Digibro: There is a giant what is described as a space ship, but it’s actually a 3-atom thick disk that is the diameter of a sphynx, and it’s under the sphinx. And you can take that disk and take off the top of the pyramid and put the disk underneath the top of the pyramid and it’s a spaceship that you can use to go between dimensions.

Dick:L Yeah. Right. Isn’t that great? This person really thinks this shit, and never ending – it’s like listening to a child tell us a lie. Like a story that just never ends. I love it so much, it’s more entertaining to me than any other fictional reality Like Marvel has fucking nothing on the spirit science. You can tell that they don’t love it as much as the spirit science guys. They really love the reality they’re making in their head. It’s like a token adventure.

Digibro: The best part about that is the Egyptian god Toth is like our ally who’s given us everything over the years. He just keeps appearing every couple hundred years just like helping us to reach the next stage, and he’s just like the ultimate bro. It’s real comforting to think that Toth has always got our back.

Dick: Is this out now or coming out soon?

Digibro: This is coming out soon. So far the lectures that have come out so far are just The Dick Show, Guilty Gear lecture if anybody knows anything about Guilty Gear. Real absurd fighting game with a fucking insane story. And there’s a lecture coming out on Tails gets trolled, which is like a classic shitcore web comic.

Dick: Awesome. I want to see the spirit science one, and definitely everybody, take a look at this one if you want to tide yourself over with the goss until the lolsuit gets decided on.

Digibro: Yeah. If you like the personalities, follow the podcast channel that it’s fucking posted to.

Dick: So dude, here’s – I wanna bring this up. I post this video thinking, “Oh cool, it’s my buddy Digibro who did this awesome lecture.” I Tweet about, and I wake up – you know, at night I like to do a little drunk Tweeting with my night cap. I like to go on a re-tweet spree. Hey everybody, check out this fucking cool thing. Ya know, spread this around. Get a look at this. You’re not – take a look at this thing. Put it on while you’re figuring out sheets in the background to kind of mellow yourself out because it’s fun and entertaining. It’s presented in a fun and entertaining way by someone who’s good at it. What could go wrong? I wake up to about 50 tweets saying “Fuck Digibro,” like a Twitter backlash that I did not understand at all. Like, people calling you a pedophile. I mean really, shit that I’m uncomfortable with, but I wanna know what the hell happened.

Digibro: How detailed of an explanation do you want of what’s going on? How much time do I have allotted?

Dick: Well, I don’t want to get into the specifics of this dude who’s targeting you. I would like to know from your side what the hell’s happening, because I know that you and Mumkey Jones ended your podcast, and I like both of you a lot, and I have seen some things that make me want to say, “please don’t do what Maddox and I did, because it’s very expensive and everybody will hate it.”

Digibro: Don’t worry. First of all, both of us are cheap asses, and we’re also both successful right now, so I don’t think either of us wants to sue each other about anything.

Dick: Okay. But you know, even like talking shit and stuff too. I’m a huge shit talker.

Sean: Just know what it can lead to.

Dick: Just know what it can lead to. I’m saying – Maddox was felled by leaked screenshots of chats, so I’m just saying that everybody – let’s keep it above board because I love both of you a lot. That’s the only reason I’m saying anything.

Digibro: Yeah. He’s got a lot of his fans essentially are – what happened between me and Mumkey essentially is he has a fanbase of people who like to fuck with people, and he really sort of encourages that, and embraces that aspect of his fanbase. And because those people really started fucking with me and some of my friends, the more deeply involved I got with him, the more his fans were fucking with me, and I’m like, “well this dude has shown on interest in stopping that from happening. Like he’s made no attempt to atop talking to these people who are like harassing me and shit.” So I’m like, “Fuck this guy.” I don’t want to work with this dude anymore, and it kind of came to a point to where in this PCP podcast, the one where I’ve been describing, he was also a member of. I sort of called it to a vote. Here’s the situation with this dude, should we have him in our group? And we ultimately – majority decided no, so he got kicked out and I guess took it really hard…

Dick: Yeah. Sucks to get kicked out. Sucks to get kicked out of anything. It’s understandable.

Digibro: The reasoning was just as straightforward as I didn’t want to have to keep associating with a guy who was embracing people who fuck with me – just trying to fuck with my business stuff. People who are constantly hammering on my fucking door about shit.

Dick: Well, I’ll tell you this: I’ve been accused of the same thing. Maddox accused me of the same thing through the entire run of The Biggest Problem. That it was my fans that were fucking with him, and that I wasn’t doing anything to stop them I always said, dude, first of all you don’t know that they’re my fans. Secondly…

Digibro: In this case I know they’re Mumkey’s fans because he does videos with these people. People he collaborates with.

Dick: I’m not saying this applies to you directly. I’m not – an analogy is a shitty argument. I’m just saying what my experience was is I was accused of the same thing. They weren’t my fans, and I told him, “maybe they’re my fans because I understand them, and as a way to understand them, I know you can’t fucking stop that. There’s no stopping us.” You know? There’s no way to stop me from fucking with people. There’s no way for me to stop other people form fucking with people. But I also don’t want to be a contrarian. Like, I understand why you wouldn’t want to associate with that.

Sean: Well it goes back to Maddox thinking that you can control people. That you can make people do what you want them to do.

Digibro: It’s not a matter of whether Mumkey can control those people or not, it’s a matter of he actively embraces. These are people that he works with all the time, he encourages their behavior. He – because on his channel, it is a joke to make fun of him, to sort of present himself. He invites bad comments and he invites them on the channel and he thinks it’s funny and he likes it, and that’s fine for him, but like – I don’t want that. I don’t want my comments to go to shit. I am not running a shitpost channel, I am running an anime journalism channel. So…

Dick: And let’s be honest, there’s a lot to pick on there. Those are 2 groups that one’s gonna win.

Digibro: The unfortunate thing is that the people who attack me are by enlarge even more autistic than the anime fans, and come off like fucking idiots in their videos, which is thankful I guess, because – the lucky thing for me is that I have not done anything to actually warrant any drama. All various people leaving strange – okay, it sort of began with this guy who really had a problem with me sincerely who made a bunch of videos where he was shit talking me for great length. But he was hammering these videos constantly. Spanning them to people, posting them everywhere. Really getting them out there. And as he did that, it created a cottage industry of shit talking me, because other people jumped on this seeing that it would get a lot of views, so all these people started making Digibro hate videos. So I accidentally fucked up and made this possible because I was putting my own name in the tags of every video I was making. So every video I make says “Digibro” in the tags, their videos say that. Their videos show up in the sidebar in my videos constantly, so you could also play from one of my videos into someone shitting on me for 20 fucking minutes. So all these video spring up, I finally catch onto this, and I figure out I can mass remove the tag with my name on the videos. I do that, and it clears up a lot of the problem. However a lot of these people still want to fuck with me on Twitter, and because a lot of them are friends with Mumkey – because he has kind of painted himself into drama with me because it gets him a lot of clicks to do so, like every time he mentions me in a video, it’s way more views than he’s ever gonna get for something normal., So he’s playing into it for the attention, and trying to keep it low key enough that I won’t start a fight with him, but like – he’s kind of pushing on it a lot.

Dick: Just promise me that if you do start a fight with him, it’s out in the open.

Digibro:Oh, it will be. It will be all diss tracks, because that’s the game I play. I’m a rapper.

Dick: Okay. I just don’t want anybody to call anybody’s jobs and do underhanded shit. I want everybody…

Digibro: I mean, thankfully we both work for Patreon, do – ad you know, I’m a fucking (?) Dick show listener, I know hot to fucking handle the scandal. What are they gonna to? They take me of Patreon, I go to Hatreon. I’ve got all my supporters on Discord. I’ve got all their emails. You can always get back. So nobody can fuck with you that bad if you fucking…

Dick: Okay, goof. I’m just worried – people are calling you the Maddox, and I don’t want that to be true. I want you to be the Digibro.

Digibro: Mumkey’s fans have a lot of crossover with The Dick Show fans, so – and mine do too. Both of us have been really outspoken fans of the biggest problem for years. We were both promoting the show big time when we first found out about it, so most of our close fans have also seen the show and kept up with it. One of the members of the Procrastinators group that did those lectures is the guy who called in with the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns problem. Devu.

Dick: Oh shit. That was a good one. I remember Devu. I met Devu in Philly. Yeah, he had blonde hair.

Digibro: He was the guy who got denied from the bar.

Dick: Yeah, I remember that too.

Digibro: After like 1 drink. But yeah, so yeah. A lot of people want to paint me as the Maddox because they are fans of The Dick Show and obviously the enemy of their enemy is the guy who they say is Maddox.

Dick: Yeah, I understand that.

Digibro: From my fans perspective, he’s the Maddox. Neither of us is the Maddox because nobody fucking sued anybody for 400-million fucking dollars! We just broke up a podcast that we were going to end anyway. I was already ending the podcast because I didn’t want to work with him anymore, and it just so happened that the drama blew up with us right before filming the last episode. So we didn’t so much break up the podcast over drama as it was ending.

Dick: Okay. As long as none of you slept with each other’s love of their live either, I presume. That’s fine then You can work out all of the differences.

Sean: And nobody’s a pedophile?

Dick: Well that’s what I wanted to talk about next. You’re both what?

Digibro: We’re both engaged to grown women – I think he’s engaged. I don’t know if he’s engaged.

Dick: But you are, because you’re the one getting hammered for the pedophile shit.

Digibro: Yeah. The reason I was getting hammered for pedophile shit is because I was saying – because Patreon issued a change to their code of conduct saying that and illustrated pornography of underage characters, bestiality or incest was outlawed on the platform, and I was coming at this like, this to me is a stupid move on Patreon’s part, because the whole point to Patreon is to…

Sean: Let me show them how stupid it is! Where’s my art pencils?

Digibro: No, you don’t understand. Patreon – a lot of the biggest Patreons are fucking furry art. Patreon is being propped up by extremely niche art groups.

Sean: I don’t doubt that at all.

Dick: Is that bestiality? If a bitch has a furry?

Sean: I don’t fucking know!

Digibro: There are people who had their Patreons removed after this change who literally had to negotiate with Patreon, sending them pictures of women and being like, “Is this adult enough?” Because, you know, there’s tons of adult women who just look like young girls.

Dick: wait a minute. I’m talking about bestiality which is fine, now you’re talking about…

Digibro: Well yeah, the bestiality with the furries, where do you draw the line? At what level of sentience is this a fucking beast. If it has tits, is it more human or more animal?

Dick: If it’s paying taxes – like if you’ve got a literal cheetah that’s using its paw to pay taxes, is that still bestiality? If it has a social security number – if it has a social security card it’s a human, right Sean? What the fuck… ILLUSTRATIONS! NO VICTIM AT ALL! ILLUSTRATIONS TAT ARE BANNED! AN ILLUSTRATION, LITERALLY NO HARM DONE TO ANYONE! THE MOST VISTIMLESS CRIME IN THE FUCKING WORLD! IN ILLI-FUCKING-STRATION! BANNED!

Sean: It could turn somebody.

Dick: Yeah, it could turn somebody. It’s the violent video games! You can’t play fucking Wolfenstein, you’re gonna GO ESCAPE FROM PRISON AND SHOOT A BUNCH OF FUCKING NAZIS!

Sean: I like how peope are very a la carte with that argument. About the subject matter. Something leads to something.

Dick: Nothing leads to anything! Nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing! The only thing that lewads to anything is processed food makes you a big fat fuck, and yet that is all over society! Powers America! And it fucking kills people but no! Violent video games – we gotta research that! All th research said it actually prevents violence! “Uh… We need to research it again!”

Sean: Until we get the right answer.

Dick: You can’t draw things that are morally repugnant to me. It might lead to doing them. ALL THE RESEARCH SAYS IT FUCKING IS THE OPPOSITE! I STILL DON’T LIKE IT! I still don’t fucking like it! You know it’s too bad that I can’t take a study and turn it into a giant fucking dildo and shive it up your ass! I have to rely on you to read it and understand it with your fucking brain, but you won’t. You fucking won’t, and there’s nothing I can do about it! Notrhing! Fucking illustrations. Illustrations make me so fucking insane because I know they’re coming for my shit eventually. I know that I’m next. I know that I’m fucking next.

Digibro: Every motherfucker on Twitter who came at me like, “Oh, why are you defending this? This isn’t a good look!” Yeah, keep saying that when they come for your shit, buddy. It’s happening. If you let them push the Overton window backwards, they’re gonna keep fucking pushing it over your shit.

Dick: Yup. I think you’re right, but it makes everybody very fucking uncomfortable. And what alsmo…

Digibro: It does. But I also like among people uncomfortable about it, because it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all, because I grew up in the anime community where it’s fucking normal.

Dick: yeah. I mean it’s normal in Japan. Japan made real images of underage – fucking child porn. They made it illegal to possess, which it fucking should be because someone is victimized. You should get your fucking head chopped off, right? There’s no fixing you. There’s no fucking – I’m sorry! I’m sorry! There’s no fucking fixing it!

Sean: No. And I think the mental health community sees – you don’t rehabilitate that .That’s something…

Dick: I can’t be trained out of liking big ‘ol tits. Nothing’s gonna fix that. No amount of amazing ass is gonna fix the other one. What was I gonna say… But they said illustrations, yeah .Because we’re not gonna make it illegal, and then suddenly millions of people who are doing nothing are criminals. Like under -fucking-stand that in your brain. However I will say this, Digibro. I dunno if this is accurate, because I don’t know the terminology of anime shit, but you are a self-professed, what is it, lolicon fan?

Digibro: Yes.

Dick: Does that mean that – what does that mean?

Digibro: It means that I am a huge fan of illustrations of little girls getting fucked!

(Sean’s finger inches its way towards the Delete key)

Dick: (sighs) See, that makes it – you see, when you do that, it makes it very uncomfortable.

Digibro: Of course it does. But like, I have to fight for that shit harder than anybody because I like that shit. And if I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m looking at the shit, that means I gotta be on the front fucking line!

Dick: Butn you’re not doing anything – I mean you’re not doing anything wrong, right, I have to add.

Digibro: I look at this shit with my significant other who is an adult woman, so I feel as though I am as protected form scrutiny about this as I could possibly be. What more could you need? A man doing a thing with his wife.

Dick: You can’t hammer people for what they’re into in their fantasy mind, you know? Fantasy’s very different from reality.

Sean: As long as it stops before the real world.

Dick: Yeah, we gotta ask. We have to ask.

Digibro: There are reasons people are into this stuff other than “I want to fuck little girls.” Some of it’s about internalizing or explaining things about your psyche that you don’t understand, because the human brain is a clusterfuck and none of us get it. Nobody chooses to be into shitting Dick nipples, you know?

Dick: That’s true.

Digibro: Someone had to exercise that from their fucking mind. This world is too fucked for people to not draw fucked up porn.

Dick: Yeah. It’s like so difficult to say, “Yeah, I like violent video games because I’m not violent,” because I kinda am violent.

Digibro: You haven’t killed anybody yet.

Dick: No, I haven’t

Sean: Doesn’t mean the capacity’s not there.

Digibro: In the old times, people would have definitely killed most of their people by their 30’s.

Dick: My killing power diminished every year. I know man, it just makes me so fucking uncomfortable. I’m glad that you – well the way you’re describing that makes me slightly less uncomfortable, but when I saw that shit flying around in Twitter.

Digibro: That’s my mission to the world.

Dick: That’s your mission to the world?

Digibro: I mean, imagine this: I have to sometimes make the fact that I follow you less uncomfortable to people I know. I have a lot of friends in the trans and liberal communities, and sometimes you gotta fucking justify the people who listen to those people.

Dick: You’re absolutely right. You’re absolutely fucking right. The shit me – is more offensive than what you’re saying to me in your circles. Absolutely fucking true. But it’s like somebody’s saying, “I’m defending free speech, I’m defending Mein Kamph as free speech,” but then they also add on the stinger of “I love that book!

Sean: Yeah! (laughs)

Dick: I mean, that’s why people are pissed at you, you know what I’m saying?

Digibro: Some Nazis don’t act on their urges. If you’re not out there beating gays, you’re just tattooing swastikas on your body, I’m not gonna stop you, you know?

Dick: Yes, you’re right. There’s a difference between crime and nothing, and it’s important – I am sad to see you becoming a pariah on Twitter because of it.

Digibro: Honestly, I got out of it because that dude who was leading the charge got bored of me when I went to private, and it blew over in a night. That’s how this shit goes now. It’s all fucking fake. All this Twitter drama is just marketing, It’s all just people trying to lead attention to their bullshit by way of like – This dude, after he got bored of me, he posted an image that was like “Digibro fans are this” and then he says, “If you witnessed this, but a B in your name.” So all of his followers have B’s in their name. It’s like a cult. Like a weird political cult that this dude is running just to get attention to a fucking Twitch stream. That’s what Twitter is in 2018.

Dick: Yeah, you’re right. Real shit you’re not into. That would be instant no, right?

Digibro: Yes, absolutely.

Dick: Alright. I hope you make it out of this, because it seem like a PR fucking nightmare.

Digibro: It’s fine. I’ve been on the internet since 2001 when I was 11, and everything I’ve ever written online is still out. So my PR is the most unprotected thing in the – like, nobody can hear you if everything’s there, you know? If you’re not ashamed of everything they’re accusing you of, then…

Dick: That’s true. That’s fucking true. What makes you a rage man?

Sean: Well you cannot be ashamed of certain things and the law could have something to say about it. “Yeah, I did it, I’ll do it again! I love doing it to like…” “No, sawing off people’s heads is illegal sir!” “AH, I’m not ashamed of it at all.”

Dick: can you imagine how VR is gonna be?

Digibro: I meant the conversation’s gonna open up real quick, I’ll tell you that.

Dick: Yeah. What makes you a rage buddy?

Digibro: What makes me a rage is fucking literally everybody in the grocery store who I have to walk by. Every fucking time I go, people just don’t pay attention to where they are. They just forget what the world is. I don’t know if it’s just sensory overload from all the crap that’s around them, but people just kind of like stop and then – you have a fucking huge cart full of shit, and they’re just a lone old woman standing in the middle of the aisle, and you’re just eyeballing like, “You know what has to happen here. I can’t kill you with this cart as much as I dream of it.” PLEASE move out of my fucking way!

Dick: Move out of the fucking way.

Sean: People are just in their own little world all the time now. They’re on their phone, it they’re not looking at the shelves, they’re looking at their phone. They’re thinking about something else.

Dick: They’re thinking about lolicon.

Sean: They all just freeze. They just freeze in the middle of the fucking aisle, no awareness of anything going on around them.

Dick: You know it’s true man.

Sean: I wish I could just bury them under a fucking mountain of fucking potatoes or something, you know?

Dick: Yeah. When this happened, it really – the only thing that I could think about was the offensive speech that you have to protect too, and this is the first time I’ve been offended by speech. The only time. Like I always say that thinking of some prissy Ivy League feminist bitch who wants to cut my dick off by silencing me. Yeah, of course that saying just means offensive speech whatever. But this is like – now I’m the prissy ivy tower – I fucking don’t like that. Put your money where your mouth is dude. It’s not fucking – there’s no fucking crime if there’s no victim.

Sena: It has to be allowed.

Dick: Absolutely. Must.

Digibro: And I haven’t gotten one. Everyone I’ve sent show me a fucking study that says this is bad…

Dick: No, I don’t even want to do that because the study just generalized the violence. That’s just like saying “show me a study that say black people commit more crimes.” Of course that fucking exists, but that doesn’t mean that racism is okay. That doesn’t mean anything about the individuals. If you are not committing crimes, you should be able to have your expression. It’s like a fucking Burger King, have it your way. That’s what the constitution is. Yeah. Well, I’m glad to talk to you. I’m glad to hear that you and Mumkey aren’t gonna try to have a show war and try to destroy each other, and you can just stop working together.

Digibro: I hope not.

Dick: Don’t hope no! Don’t! No dirty behind the scenes shit!

Digibro: No ,everything I always do is out. I keep no secrets from this world.

Dick: Okay. It doesn’t fucking sound like it. Alright man, thank you for the video.

Digibro: Alright, peace.

Dick: Peace man. See ya. Alright everybody. I think that’s all the time we have today for the show.

Sean: We’re about 2:40:00.

Dick: Oh my goodness gracious. Thanks for listening. A lot of heavy topics today.

Sean: Yeah. Covered a lot of ground.

Dick: Really rattled my bones.

Sean: It was interesting though.

Dick: Bunty kind came in hot. You could tell he was pissed.

Sean: Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Dick: What are you?... You don’t think he was?

Sean: I wasn’t sure what the dynamic was. It could have just been real dry kidding.

Dick: Maybe. But I had been fucking with his friends.

Sean: I don’t think it was.

Dick: You don’t think it was kidding?

Sean: In hindsight, no.

Dick: Alright, thanks for listening. Get to some Facebook news after the bumper. C U Next Tuesday. I want to play another Kendollinhide. This is MCMC by Kendollinhide called Bicycle Boys. Another Kendollinhide masterpiece.

(Dick starts the song)

(The song ends)

Dick: I know you didn’t hear about this: Nick got turned down by Loglin, how do you say it? The whisky company. Logland? Nick Rackets got turned…

Sean: Lefroy?

Dick: No.

Sean: You’re not talking about scotch? He was drinking something else the other night.

Dick: Lagavulin. He drinks Lagavulin, so he was asking for sponsorship, and a bunch of Racket-heads hit them up. A bunch of Nickheads, excuse me.

Sean: Just come up with that?

Dick: Yeah. So…

Sean: I like how Nick Rackets has stuck too.

Dick: Don’t make people say that name. C’mon. Everybody likes saying rackets. Lagavulin answered Nick’s request to be sponsored. Let me read you what they said, why they can’t sponsor him. “Hi Nick. We understand that you’re quite a fan of Lagavulin, and we’re glad to see that you enjoy drinking it. When it comes to engaging formally with individuals at the corporate level though, at Diageo, we adhere to a strict responsible drinking policy, and this is a strict filter for any potential partner we engage with.”

Sean: No drunken lawyering. No lawyering under the influence.

Dick: “Having viewed some of your videos, many of these are not compliant with out marketing code, and promote drinking behavior we don not endorse.”

Sean: Like success!

Dick: Can you fucking believe that? “We wish you the best of luck in the future, but we cannot partner in any sort of official way with you on your content. Thanks. – The Lagavulin team.”

Sean: What would happen if he had 500,000 downloads per video?

Dick: Absolutely. Drink it by the bottle. I love that. “Having viewed some of your videos, many of these are not compliant with our alcohol policy that functions on alcoholics.” Are you guys fucking kidding me?

Sean: The moral high ground’s had by the whiskey distillery.

Dick: “We don’t endorse drinking and talking at the rate that you do. Every bottle should last a man about 20 years. Our moral code is such that a father will give his son a bottle on his 21st birthday, and that will last him the rest of his life. One bottle, one life.” You should just lick it every day. Put a little bit on a paper plate and lick it like a little cat, and that gets you through life. Fuck you. They’re churning it out, “Yeah, drink it you fucking pigs! Here you go! Let’s get those age laws down!” “Hey, I’m a fan. I do a bit of lawyering for a good cause. Can you guys sponsor. Like a bottle or something, or just say they you want to sponsor me so I can put it in. It’s funny,” “As we’re murdering half the planet with heart disease, we cannot sponsor a father drinking in his own house. Sometimes upwards of 2 glasses a session. Too much! We actually don’t want men drinking our scotch. We prefer that women do it because they drink in moderation. We can’t wait until it’s actually outlawed. We have making the stuff. It’s poison. Thank you for your continued patronage.” So funny. Like an example of an upstanding man. “Your drinking is in violation of our policy. Oh yeah, Facebook news.

Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple of days. Clay Early came across a GoFundMe for his very first girlfriend who is looking to get help with funds for fighting cervical cancer. Clay says that the bitch knew she had HPV, which is a type of STD. She never informed him during their tenure, but she would ask him to hit it raw. Only months after their magical relationship ended did she notify him of the STD situation. When asked if he got tested, Clay said no, but he’s gonna get around to it eventually. Some Dickheads told Clay that men can get tested for HPV, therefore leaving clay to spam the thread with “wut do?” and tagging doctors within the group. The Facebook group is having some big issues with reporting. Melissa young’s children were reported as pornography. Silver Hammer gets the ban hammer on both Facebook and Twitter for what has to be a world record, and Ink Digit called about the brave cuck who reported him for not using his real name. Smokay Horsay also complained about such a ban.

Dick: I liked Smokay.

Captain Jackass: Lastly, Emily Vouve shared with Dickheads a 4-page single-space letter that a friend of hers wrote who she never dated. The friend drove over 3 hours to hand deliver this letter to her, not to mention Emily’s married. The letter talks about fixing things between them, working hard on streaming anime conventions. Then it takes an even stranger turn at the end when the author says he hopes the letter doesn’t hurt his chance at being friends with Emily’s husband, and congratulates them on their happiness. The only misspelled word of the entire letter happens to be “congratulations,” although he admits to missing their wedding. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple of days.

Dick: Dude, I read that letter. It’s hysterical. This guy details how the only time he’s ever been happy in hhis life is when they were together as friends. Just some fucking dude that she knew when she was much younger. Some fucking friend who – they never did anything. And he’s got this gigantic letter about how that was the only time for him, and he’s cleaned up his whole life, and that now he’s getting his streaming project going, and it would really – she could be the queen on his… It’s psychotic. It’s great. Chicks just have to deal with – see, chicks don’t have to get crazy until you start dating them. Guys are crazy before you start dating the, That’s the issue.

Sean: Guys are crazy if you don’t date them.

Dick: Yeah. If chicks don’t date you, they kinda just fuck off. Someone else plows them. Unscrambles their brain, right? Guys? No. Permanently fucking scrambled. It’s like a prism, you know? Guys are nuts, go through the pussy prism, come out alright. Right? Wait, no… It doesn’t fix them. Actually, I think it does. I’m gonna go with yes. It’s before the prism. Girls, once they hit the prism, once you go through the prism they come out all fucking scrambled. Totally normal chick it seemed like, go through that pussy prism, kaplow! Colors all the fuck over the place! But that’s just my opinion. I’ll play some voicemails. This is a long episode. I’m not gonna play that many. Oh, I got a ton of great ones. Fuck.

Caller #1: Hey Dick, (?) from Texas again, and I’ve got another rage for you. Having too high of a voice. When you have too high of a voice no one respects you. You get the constant jokes of “have your balls dropped yet?” You know, it’s bullshit. Yes my balls have dropped, I can’t change this. I can’t change this about myself, and it doesn’t help that I’m 5”2. I’m a pretty young guy, I’m 19. You know, I’m pretty young, but most of my friends, they have these deep booming voices and are all like 6-foot. (cuts off for a second) 5”2 like a fucking idiot. God fucked me over. Why do I have such a high voice? And also why am I so short? I would call in for that too as a rage, why the fuck am I so short, but you know, that the fuck ever.

Dick: That sucks. His friends making fun of him. Calling him Papa Smurf and stuff.

Sean: Is that what they say?

Dick: I dunno. Just conjecture.

Sean: As somebody who likes to make fun of people, yeah.

Dick: And especially now, there are like the gnome movie’s out. They’re probably like, “Hey, your movie’s out. Isn’t that Sherlock Gnome movie about you,” and you’re like “fuck you got me.” I thought you were gonna say something else. You know? Probably say that. Where’s your hat? “What hat?” You know, that pointy red hat that you’re supposed to be – they probably say shit like that. PEOPLE ARE MEAN! People are mean I’m saying. People are fucking jerks.

Sean: People are jerks.

Dick: He’s probably got some good news like, “hey, I got this date with this girl tonight. Big cans.”

Sean: Oh, better bring a step stool.

Dick: Exactly. That’s the kinda thing that people who are very insensitive would say. That’s a great example of that.

Sean: God! I just did that automatically! What an asshole.

Dick: Alright, let’s see here.

Caller #2: Het Dick. This is Rico calling, I just wanted to say that acapella music makes me a rage. Acapella music is essentially a bunch of people getting together saying, “Hey, we can’t play instruments, but we can kinda sing, so let’s do that instead. I’d just rather hear a goddamn song the was it was supposed to be played. I don’t care if oyu can sound like the instrument, I don’t give 2 shits. I dunno. I’ve been a dinger before, and it’s pretty damn easy compared to trying to learn to play a fucking instrument. Some people can already just sing. It’s pretty damn easy.

Dick: That is true.

Caller #2: I dunno. That’s my rage. Go fuck yourself.

Dick: I love acapella music.

Sean: I can’t say that I listen to much of it. You mean where people are actually reproducing woodwind instruments and things like that? Like where soneone’s singing like an oboe?

Dick: Yeah, like Mike Winslow shit.

Sean: Yeah, the beeps and the boops.

Dick: I love it. I think that I love annoying music. Like, as the more annoying the music gets, I’m really into it. Like scatting you say? Ah, tell me more. Whistling? Don’t mind If I do.

Sean: Whistling’s impressive.

Dick: Yeah, I love doing that. I will whistle up a storm. Everyone really fucking hates it. Banjo music? Yes please. Everyone probably hate it though. There’s YouTubes where people will record themselves doing all the parts of the songs, and it’s like a symphony of the same dude. Looks cool though.

Sean: People do that live. They just have loop pedals and create, you know, backing tracks and play over the top of it.

Dick: I guess here’s how you know acapella sucks though: because there’s never been an original acapella song. There’s lots of original guitar, piano, violin. There’s lots of originals of those, but nobody’s ever like, “Here’s my new acapella song. It’s all new tunes.

Sean: Where they are the band. Because you have like Bobby Mafarren and stuff like that who like Don’t worry Be Happy was 100% his voice.

Dick: There’s no instruments?

Sean: No. To my knowledge, no.

Dick: I’m wrong! That’s a very popular song! Well, fuck me Sean! It is a good music, fuck you sir! Acapella is deserving to be heard. One more. 2 more, 2 more.

Caller #3: If it sticks like glue, bust it in her poo-poo.

Dick: Hmm… It’s another rhyme.

Sean: Yeah, people like those rhymes apparently.

Dick: That’s all you need. One good rhyme.

Sean: One good rhyme.

Dick: One good rhyme for their time. That’s what I always say.

Sean: I only say that once.

Caller #4: What makes me a rage is that my car has adopted this squeaking noise and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Dick: You gotta get rid of the car. That’s what happened to me. There’s no fixing that.

Caller #4: Do you fucking hear that?

Dick: No.

Caller #4: Easily the most annoying thing that I’ve ever heard in my life.

Sean: Boy, you must live in a quiet place.

Caller #4: I’ve got about 2 more hours to go on this drive.

Dick: Oh yeah, it’s DP. He’s an Uber driver, right? So he’s gotta drive around in that squeaking hunk of shit.

Sean: I always recognize his voice.

Dick: Yeah. You remember my car that I had before the truck that had developed the same sort of squeaking problem? You could hear it from miles around.

Sean: Turns out there was a dog caught in the fan belt, it was really weird.

Dick: Yeah, there was a ghost. Bob Marley – Bob Cratchit – I ran him over. He got stuck in the wheel well. I sold that car, you know. My dad found my old car on Craigslist. They were trying to unload it, and I looked at it, I’m like, they’re not fucking mentioning the squeaking. Someone is going to be very disappointed after dropping 3k in this car that it squeaks like a fucking hamster wheel. As nice as they made it look, someone’s getting majorly fucked out of their money here. But you know, what can you do? Fuck ‘em, I guess.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. C U Next Tuesday everybody.

Sean: See ya.