The Dick Show

Episode 99 – Dick on Happy Accidents

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Madcucks, Ben Pai

Transcription by: /u/Kim_Jong-Skill

Dick: Have you ever seen Bob Ross draw a cabin?

Sean: I don’t think so.

Dick: Wait, I’m gonna talk about that. Okay.

Sean: Are you really?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Theme riff)

Sean: You’re gonna shit on like a beloved American icon?

Dick: Listen to me.

Sean: I mean you had some lows before.

Dick: Sean… Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaah! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you’ve got it! The show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I’m your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello Dick.

Dick: What’s up buddy? Bob Ross cannot draw a straight line to save his fucking life. Every time – 4/20 happened this week, so I watched a lot of Bob Ross. Let me explain that to you. It’s on Twitch 24 hours a day. It’s all I do now it have Twitch on. You don’t have to pay attention, you don’t accidentally get sucked into it. I’ve been watching one guy beat Ninja Gaiden in 12 minutes for like 2- hours this week. This fucking guy, Arcus, he’s just always beating Ninja Gaiden. That’s all he does is sit there beating Ninja Gaiden for like 8 hours a day, and I have him on. Sean, it never gets old! And I’ll check in and watch for 2 seconds, no risk of getting sucked in, but it calms that part of my brain that needs that weird game stimulation.

Sean: You know he’ll still be doing it.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You don’t have to get sucked in because you’ll always get sucked in. So you never get sucked in.

Dick: I never get sucked in because there’s no plot or anything. Anyway, Bob Ross is on that channel a lot. Man, first of all, that motherfucker can paint. I don’t know if you’re aware of that. Oh boy, turn a blob into a masterpiece in 10 strokes, right? Unbelievable painter, except he always – like 1 out of 3 paintings he does this. He starts putting a cabin in the painting, and when he does this I’m like, “Oh god, Bob no. Crumple it up and start over.” I don’t know if he knows that he fucks up the cabin every time. It looks like dogshit. Like Bob Ross, beautiful landscape, how the fuck did you get those mountains to have that kind of clarity and definition, and the shadowing is just a brush, a smudge, and I just look back and oh my god, it looks like a real mountain. That guy draws cabins like a 5-year-old. And he’ll put a cabin in there that looks like he just had a stroke.

Sean: Really? I gotta find this.

Dick: No concept of perspective! Like the lines don’t converge properly, the roof is like – no one would build a roof sticking out. It’s like a ramshackle affair, every one of his cabins. Have you never noticed this?

Sean: I mean I’ve watched - You know, I would find him and get sucked in. Talking about something you’ll get sucked into, Bob Ross, all of a sudden it’s like, “Happy little trees and…”

Dick: All of a sudden, I’ve seen you draw 50 happy little trees, you son of a bitch.

Sean: Yeah, I’m completely mesmerized.

Dick: But the guy can’t draw a cabin to save his life.

Sean: Didn’t know that.

Dick: It’s hilarious. There’s always…

Sean: I’m gonna find it when I get home. I’m gonna find it.

Dick: Just like I want to see a supercut of Bob Ross tries to draw a cabin, and not a single one of them is in the realm of something you would ever want to stay in. Like if you walked into the wilderness, you’re like, “Look at this beautiful majesty. Hey honey, we could go seep in that cabin.” I’m not getting within 10 yards of that fucking cabin, that is a safety hazard.

Sean: “Oh, well fuck me running.”

Dick: Structurally unsound. Bob Ross cabins, it’s like the people of Walmart.

Sean: Yeah, no load-bearing beams in the whole thing.

Dick: Like the woodsheds come out at a bizarre angle. Like it’s like a roof and a slightly more tilted – I have seen cabins, alright. I’m not a lumberjack, I’m not a woodsman, I’m not a big bad wolf. I don’t live in the woods, but I have seen enough cabins to know that is a weird thing I’m looking at, and there’s not a single cabin on earth that looks like that. Like these – they’re just like stumpy boxes.

Sean: Huh. Stumpy boxes.

Dick: The Peter Principle. It’s the Peter Principle. Bob Ross excelled to his own level of incompetence.

Sean: Like naturescapes. As soon as you put a manmade anything there, he fucks it up.

Dick: Completely fucks it up.

Sean: I didn’t know that. I’m really interested to google this. I’m gonna see like…

Dick: Sean! I have watched so much Bob Ross, I would bet anything if – if you put a gun to his head, I bet you a million dollars Bob Ross – he’s dead, right?

Sean: He’s dead.

Dick: If he were alive, I would bet a million dollars he can’t draw a fucking cabin that a child could come in, and you’d put the two side-by-side, and his own wife couldn’t pick which one that he drew. That’s how bad his cabins are. They ruin the landscapes every fucking time.

Sean: You know what’s going to be interesting as well is what my brother has to say about this, because he has watched Bob Ross like a top autist. He got like ridiculously into him, and just painting in general for about 3 weeks I think. That’s what you do. Yeah, he got super into painting and got all this shit, and got all these different kinds of – like, “Ah, I don’t do that anymore.”

Dick: Oh, ultimate white privilege. You go through your retirement at the age of 24. Not even out of college, “Well, I’m retired. I thought too much, I need to pick up painting and find the love of my life.”

Sean: He drew a few apples, a wooden bowl, and a knife, and called it a day.

Dick: I remember your brother doing that. He wat great at it though.

Sean: Yeah, he’s a talented guy. But yeah, I wonder if he’ll – something tells me that he will know about this. That he’ll be like, “Yeah, he couldn’t draw a fucking cabin to save his ass.”

Dick: No! And every time he starts – I know you’re thinking about drawing a cabin there Bobby! Put a bush there you fuck!

Sean: This time it’ll be different.

Dick: Yeah, this time it’ll be different.

Sean: This time it’ll be different. I can’t remember what he sounds like, but he’s very soft-spoken, right?

Dick: Yeah, he sounds like that. Oh god, what were we talking about before the show? I gotta bring it in because it’s so goddamn funny. I was going through my closet at home. You know, my parents are in the eternal winding down of the kids shit cycle. Like whatever that phase…

Sean: Like “Get it out of my house?”

Dick: Get the fuck out of my house. Get this out of my – it’s like the unloading phase. It’s very weird., Like parents will have to take care of their parent’s shit after they’re going in a home or they can’t really keep their stuff together anymore. So the idea that they’re putting that on someone else is kind of a haze on them. Like, “You know, we gotta get rid of all this shit. We don’t want to - we gotta go through our parents’ stuff and get rid of all this shit. We don’t want our kids going through all our stuff and making fun of it, so let’s just unload it right now.” Anyway, I’ve got a ton of crap up there, and every time I go home – every time I go home there’s a mystery garbage bag of crap I gotta bring with me. Definitely don’t want to open it up at my parents’ house. And then there’s a technical difficulty related to something that I never get a clear explanation of. “Well Dick, it’s just the internet. It’s wacky.” Okay. I’m gonna direct your ass to a forum if I get one more goofy, whacky – It’s always at a time – it’s always during dinner. Like, I can’t – you want me to do it right now? You want me to look at it? I need a ticketing support system, right? So I can read it on my phone on the way up, then when I get there I can just take care of it immediately. Anyway, I brought back this filing cabinet of old Nintendo Power magazines, because I was talking about them on the show last week to prove that I was a Nintendo Power from the get-go. That I was a Nintendo – I don’t know what you would call them then. Anyway…

Sean: The term “gamer” didn’t exist. I don’t think.

Dick: I found a newspaper clipping of a buddy – our high school friend, the 2-1 Express. The local paper – this is the front page of the sports section ran a bio on our friend, the 2-1 Express in high school, and I swear to god this just seems like bullying. Like…

Sean: It might be considered bullying now.

Dick: This entire article…

Sean: Or at least some kind of an aggression.

Dick: If he had hanged himself after this came out, I wouldn’t blame him.

Sean: Because it’s fucking mean.

Dick: It’s funnier for me because I know him, but the guy is – let’s say he’s 5”4.

Sean: Yeah, he’s very short.

Dick: I wouldn’t say very, because that’s insensitive. He’s short, that’s enough. So the whole article reads about – this is the sub-heading, “Power in a Small Package. Diminutive Senior Linebacker.” This is how they start. He’s like getting written up in the paper, “Hey everybody, check it out! They’re doing this cool piece on me and how great I am at football to send off my senior year.”

Sean: Instead it’s an expose on how bad he is at height.

Dick: I can’t believe it. Looking back on it, I can’t believe we didn’t capitalize on this. This is the funniest fucking thing! Terrible, right?

Sean: Great at football, bad at height.

Dick: Like it looks like this is written by Don Rickels or something. Small package. Diminutive senior linebacker. “Valencia linebacker makes up for his lack of size with hard work, comic intensity.” (Dick laughs) Why was that necessary?

Sean: There’s one line in there that’s really bad.

Dick: Which one? No no, here it is! “Talk about a victim of genetic jokes.”

Sean: I mean he’s practically a quadriplegic 2 through Sheer will and determination is able to excel.

Dick: I can’t stop reading this. So apparently I saw my buddy who is in this front page of the signal, like the local paper and I saved it. What was it 90… 20 years. More than 20 years because I just went to that 20 year reunion. I saved this. They put it into my file Cabinet of things that were important to me Like my Nintendo power magazines.

Sean: Turns out you were right.

Dick: I was right. Who could have predicted this would be so funny? I don’t even remember storing it to be funny. I was just happy about my friend.

Sean: It’s funnier today, then it was 20 years ago.

Dick: Because now I can picture the guy who wrote this as being younger than me, and fucking up. Like now I can imagine my friend, having written this in me getting a copy of saying why the fuck did you do this to this guy? Why the fuck you do this to this kid? Where are you making short jokes? Was all that necessary?

Sean: And you think he’s not sensitive about it?

Dick: “You know, I wanted to be inspiring peace for maybe some other people who are facing difficulties in their lives.”

Sean: Maybe don’t use the term genetic joke. That’s step one.

Dick: Oh yeah, you were trying to do that with the following paragraph? “Talk about a victim of genetic jokes. Here’s a guy ready to graduate high school in June, and his little sister, in July, stands taller.” What the fuck? Why would you bring that shit up? How did that interview go?

Sean: When his classmates ride the roller coasters at Magic Mountain, he has to stay behind.

Dick: With the other grandmas watching their young daughter’s babies. Oh man, that sucks. Short people just gotta kill everybody. There’s gotta be a short purge, where all the short people ban together and murder everyone over 5”10, you know? All of us 5”10-plusers, we just walk around all day stooping with these sights that are all marked 5”10, measuring up everybody that they come across. Like, “nope, line up with the scythe. Off with his fucking head.” They’re going to chop the tops of you off until you’re under 5”10. 5”8, whatever it is. God, what a piece of shit.

Sean: That wouldn’t be written today, I don’t think. Not written like that.

Dick: Who knows? But I can’t stop reading it now. I haven’t opened it up to read the whole article.

Sean: Well you sent me…

Dick: Yeah, you caught it.

Sean: Yeah, well I zoomed up. I wanted to see what the article was about. And you just thought it was funny the 2-1 Express was on the cover of the sports section of the local paper.

Dick: Yeah, doing a little tough look, looking like John Cena.

Sean: I was like, “I wonder if I can read the bi-line.”

Dick: Typical Sean. Typical fucking Sean! The only guy who ever read Playboy for the articles, Sean. Oh god, alright. Happy 99th episode everybody, I’ve got Ben from The Drunken Pesants calling in in a bit. I’ve got some things that make ma a rage. The Uncucked episodes are out at

Sean: You put out 10.

Dick: Yeah, I put out 10. I think maybe it was too many. Maybe I should have gone with 5, but whatever.

Sean: Well you could adjust, right?

Dick: No, I already picked Already picked, it’s 10.

Dick: It’s incredible. It got 12,000 downloads I think.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. That’s how dead the brand is. The 10,000 people, 2 days, instantly downloaded.

Sean: So each download is all the episodes?

Dick: No. No, I put them on a feed just as if it were a regular podcast, because it’s – nobody wants to fuck around with downloading. The guys from Encyclopedia Dramatica generously offered to host them, but I figured I’ll pay a little bit of money to put them on Libsyn and put them on i-Tunes, go through the whole thing and just make it easier.

Sean: Is that whole Libsyn download shennagans numbers too?

Dick: Yeah. That’s with Libsyn’s new policy, which probably wouldn’t hurt The Biggest problem, because the episodes are only an hour long.

Sean: They got longer, but they were a lot shorter than this one.

Dick: Yeah. I don’t think anything went over an hour and a half.

Sean: Libsyn is doing a bunch of damage control. I googled that stuff, and they’re just like, “why your downloads are down.” It helps – they’re all trying to spin it. People are obviously up in arms about it, because it’s like it’s significant.

Dick: Yeah, but also it’s like why. Show me who got this counted then., Show me fucking anything, or just keep the numbers the same, and pay less per download.

Sean: It sounds like they’re kowtowing to an agency to make it the same across the board.

Dick: I think they are too. I think everybody forgets that – you know what ?I think we forget that we’re not the customers, the advertising agencies are.

Sean: Exactly. That’s exactly right.

Dick: That’s why we never get what we want. But you better keep the fucking cows happy man. Happy cows mean good cheese. How does that slogan go?

Sean: Happy cows make happy cheese.

Dick: Happy cows come from California. Keep the fucking cow – Yeah, okay. I understand the human being is the product, but fucking happy cows come from California. That’s all I’m gonna say. I think we all…

Sean: Boom.

Dick: Yeah, boom. Keep the cows happy. Don’t just keep them docile. Don’t Temple Grandin us to the advertisers.

Sean: Wow! What a reference.

Dick: I love that movie.

Sean: Did Clair Danes play her?

Dick: She’s great. Great. Not once did anybody – I don’t remember anybody talking about women in film and saying, “Temple Grandin, great example.” It’s always Wonder Woman. Because they love fucking up out things. “Yeah, Wonder Woman’s about women and power, because fuck men and their super heroes.” Fuck you! You guys gotta grow up. What about Temple Grandin and that other movie with like 5 other scientist chicks, The Anomaly or something like that? Nothing. Total radio silence. Anyway, the uncucked.

Sean: (mockingly) I’m Temple Grandin!

Madcucks: (in poor audio quality) Speaking of big problems and uncucking things.

Dick: Yeah, what?

Madcucks: How dare you, sir? How dare you release something that’s half mine and half yours to a group of ungrateful fans? Now they’re gonna know that sometimes when you made these great zingers, it took me a few seconds to come up with a response instead of being instantaneous.

Dick: Yeah, or you just cut the zinger out completely.

Madcucks: Yeah, and sometimes I do that. It’s completely unacceptable. This is reprehensible behavior. This is clearly targeted harassment. 12,000 downloads is – that’s bogus!

Dick: Either one is a count of harassment against you, Madcucks.

Madcucks: Exactly, yeah. I’m gonna need the names and addresses for all 12,000 of those downloaders.

Dick: Good luck! Go ask Libsyn. You can get to the bottom of their advertising model.

Madcucks: Completely unbelievable. This – granted, I know that the reason why this feed was released was mostly due to me, Madcucks, saying that you should do this repeatedly, and everybody owes me a thank you.

Sean: Okay, here we go.

Dick: Thank you. Thank you for recommending it. And for the snacks.

Sean: Oh, he was sincere?

Dick: What a long – you know what’s the funniest part about the uncucked episodes – I never compare them note-for note like people are doing now, but there’s this weird – there’s this weird 4-year burn on some of the jokes that I’m making. My jokes get cut. Like 5 or 6 of my jokes get cut every episode. There’s an example somebody found where Maddox cut out his own boring explanation for something, but left in me saying it was boring. So I sound like an asshole for complaining about something that’s not boring being boring. That’s what’s so odd looking at these, because in my mind, in my history of the events, I remember it as it happened. But everybody else’s history of events is the cut versions, so now everybody gets to see what actually happened by listening to these episodes, and it’s fucking with some people. It’s like, “Holy shit, I always thought Dick…”

Sean: That’s not what he was responding to at all.

Dick: Yeah. Like, “I thought Dick was a total asshole, and now I see – he’s still an asshole, but at least he’s like Dicking around, making jokes, and having fun.” Have you listened to it, Madcucks?

Madcucks: Yeah. I think I’m, on episode 4 or 5. I’ve been listening to them while I work., It really takes me back to when I was first listening to the episodes when I was moving and working and stuff. But then at the same time, there will be a little, “Oh, I don’t remember this part.” If you want real heavy-duty autism on the episodes, a guy by the name of Demilitarized Zone on Reddit is doing very in-depth analysis. He’s got the first 3 episodes right now, how much time it’s cut, how many total edits, how much dead air. And then he does a supercut of the bits that were taken out. And I suggested to him – I think he’s gonna do this, is that he’s gonna put it all together so there will be only the edited parts for everybody to listen to once it’s all said and done.

Sean: That’s gotta be confusing.

Dick: You know what else I saw. A dude by thje name of Desert Floods, he took the original episode, the Wav form for what was released, and then he spliced in my uncucked, unedited versions that I just released, so you can follow along with the Wav form. And then when it hits a thing that was cut, you can see where it was cut and watch as you hear it, where the cut started and where it ended. It’s really fucking addicting.

Madcucks: Yeah that got me in trouble, because I inadvertently clicked that thinking it was an image, and then it was a video, and I had my sound on on my computer, and it was obvious that I had no interest in what the people around me were talking about.

Dick: Oh man, that is embarrassing. When you’re in a conference call, and you load up some news page, and it’s like, “This week Trump…” Stop, stop, stop! Hey everybody, I just…

Madcucks: Everybody turns to look at you, and you’re like, “Oh man, I must have gotten a virus or something, this damn computer!” Continue with what you were saying.

Dick: I thought I was clicking on related documents and just gave myself away as, just like all of you, not caring about what we’re talking about in this meeting.

Madcucks: But I have to feel the shame of it because I was caught.

Dick: IT’s like that hot potato, the children’s game. We just do that our entire lives. We never stop playing, it’s just losing – getting a loss isn’t as thrilling anymore, so we do it with different stuff. Like ooh, someone got caught cheating. Now we’re all gonna shame – I would never do that. It’s that fucking guy. Oh, this guy’s doing bad stuff, not me. Alright, let me play – I was gonna save it until later, but I really want to show Sean one of these cuts and how it looks when you’re watching – when you’re playing along with it. Let me find a good one. There’s one where you can tell Maddox is a fucking pissed.

Sean: Already in these early ones?

Dick: Oh dude, yeah. So I went back also…

Sean: Because I remember having the best time for a long time on that show before it got contentious.

Dick: After the first 10 – maybe I should write this on the page or do some kind of write-up, but I figured we’d talk about it on the show anyway. After the first 10, I just absolved myself of editing discussions. I basically said just do whatever you want. I’m not gonna push back or…

Sean: You and he were having these insane discussions like from the very beginning, unbeknownst to me.

Dick: Yeah, because….

Sean: Yap yap yap yap. Like, I had no idea he was sending those kind of emails. You didn’t necessarily volunteer that stuff, you know what I mean?

Dick: Because it’s not funny. Who wants to hear about a guy complaining about a fuckin – you don’t want to hear about – you know what I’m staying? It’s just a fucking podcast. So what if Maddox is like a control freak and being kind of an asshole, but he’s also got this brand to worry about. Do whatever the fuck you want, man. What am I, gonna go complain to you? It’s like…

Madcucks: I’ve got a Dick vs Dick here, because episode 3 of Biggest Problem, somebody came in yelling at Sean about editing the episodes knowing full well that Sean didn’t edit the episode.

Dick: Well see, okay. Do you remember that?

Sean: Vaguely.

Dick: Okay. Madcucks, do you know what episode that was?

Madcucks: It’s episode 3. Because Sean wasn’t on episode 1 and then he was on episode 2, so the top of episode 3, you come in saying “I’ve got a lot of chewing out to do. I was listening to the episode this week and I had all these great jokes, and I’m listening to the episode and they’re all not there. I don’t know what your problem is Sean.” And Maddox reveals that he is the one who edited it.

Dick: That’s because a very simple reason. What I wanted in the show was to bring the conversations that Maddox and I always had at lunch – we had lunch once a week or every other week, to the air. And the funniest part to me was the behind the scenes bickering. Like that – let me find a good example. This is the email that I was gonna read To Sean a second ago. Go ahead, say what you were going to say.

Sean: No, I was going to say you said something to me to the effect of referring to him, “If I’m going to keep having these arguments with you, I’m gonna get paid for it,” or something like that.

Dick: Damn it, I just had it before the show. Okay, here we go. This is – this is an email from Maddox on episode 2, final. What does it say here? What is the count of emails? There is 27 emails on this back and forth about the cuts that were in episode 2. “Here you go man. I cut about 3 minutes total. Pretty minor stuff. Caught a lot of pregnant pauses and um’s and ah’s. Trimmed the intro, trimmed the plastic bag for another guys. Flows much smoother.” Also the same note as last time he’s giving me. Already have notes, episode 2.

Sean: You performance notes.

Dick: “we can criticize each other, but calling the show boring hurts the show, i.e. calling a segment boring.” Because I called that stupid dog and baby game that he wanted to play boring. I took that line out again. Let me know if you want a full list of all the edits, otherwise everything is awesome. I still like this episode a lot, here you go.”

Madcucks: That dog and baby game where every couple of questions you go, “Oh, there’s just 2 more,“ And they asked you more and say, “Oh, there’s just 2 more.” This is really not fun for anybody.

Dick: Anybody. Let me see if I can find the – fuck man, I gotta play it.

Madcucks: People are saying on Reddit that they want to vote again on the issues. And some people are against that. They say that voting would become obvious, like everybody would just vote down Maddox’s issues. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true, because some of his issues make a lot of sense. Like monkeys, everyone should definitely vote those up. They are the chicks of the animal kingdom after all.

Dick: What episode was it with dogs?

Madcucks: I think it’s episode 3.

Dick: I’m gonna skip around and then I’ll play it properly.

(Dick skips around the episode)

Dick: Okay, okay, this is all cut. This is…

Sean: So I’m looking at the Wav form. You’ve got the complete episode or my edit episode up top, and you have the as originally published on the bottom, and there’s a giant gap in the middle where my episode is going to take over, correct?

Dick: Right. Yes. Okay, here we go. Now everybody can see it on the video. This is the dog vs child game.

Dick: Can we not play this game anymore?”

Maddox: No, you cannot play this game anymore.”

Dick: How many more of these headlines do you have?”

Maddox: Just a few more.”

Dick: You made your point.”

“Maddox:…… We’re playing the game to completion. Alright, next one.”

Dick: He’s so serious. Look at this, the fake radio voice – this is the real me. Listen. I’ll play it again.

Sean: No, it’s true.

Dick: Okay, this is cut.

(Dick plays it again)

Dick: Can we not play this game anymore?”

Maddox: No, you cannot play this game anymore.”

Dick: How many more of these headlines do you have?”

Maddox: Just a few more.”

Dick: You made your point.”

“Maddox:…… We’re playing the game to completion. Alright, next one.”

Dick: It could probably be more than just a dog or a kid too. What’s the next one? Do we really have to go through all these?

Dick: This is also similarly all cut, right?

Dick: Read the next one.”

Maddox: Oh, I’m sorry Dick, do you have something else you’d like to talk about? Do you want to go back to salting the earth about your fucking dating because you can’t get laid? Jesus. Cultures clash…

Sean: It’s gotta be like a gif or something.”

Maddox: We’ve got 2 more.”

Dick: Is there anything I can do to stop this gameshow early? 2 more of these?”

“Maddox:……… What’s your problem? Do you have any content Dickfuck?”

Dick: No, go.”

Maddox: Fuck me…”

Sean: This is happening this early.

Dick: This was during the episode.

Sean: I bet there were emails that followed.

Dick: Just busting a guy’s balls about his stupid game. “Do you have anything, Dickfuck? God, fuck me.” Episode 4, Sean. How the hell did it last to 108?

Sean: I don’t know.

Dick: Okay, the last one I’m going to play. And obviously you can see all this shit at I’m taking all of the material that people generate, and I’m trying to keep it all in one place.

Sean: This is pretty cool.

Dick: Yeah. Like it’s cool to see, right? Because you can see where history was erased.

Sean: And you can also gather a consistency to his edits. What kind of stuff he is editing.

Dick: And the difference in his mind when he’s being like, “I’m radio guy, here’s my bit. Here’s my game, it’s dogs vs kids. It’s the next hit phenomenon over the internet.” And, “dude, can you just…” He’s like Napoleon Dynamite.

Sean: You can create a personality profile based on these cuts.

Dick: Yeah, very great. I did something great by releasing them, I think that’s what you’re saying.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Okay, here’s the last one.

Dick: Uh, college.”

Maddox: Oh, boring, jeeze, can we move on? Do we have to talk about this? Oh no, blah, blah, blah! Alright Dick, what’s your problem?”

Dick: Okay, um…”

Sean: That was just bizarre.

Dick: Yeah. What a fucking baby. Can you – so that, in my mind, that was reality. And then everybody else’s mind, that never got through. A man who just cannot control himself when he’s being recorded.

Madcucks: This is the exact kind of defamation that I’m talking about.

Dick: I dunno, you shouldn’t have tried to take the trademark.

Sean: You shouldn’t have let it be recorded.

Dick: Yeah, you shouldn’t have said those things.

Madcucks: Yeah, I guess I really did this to myself. Are you going to do the bonus episodes too? I bet there’s a little spaghetti autism there with the apple test or the wine test.

Dick: I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that.

Madcucks: The next time I come to LA, I’m gonna stop at every steak joint along the way, and I’m gonna get a bunch of different steaks, and we’re going to do a steak test.

Dick: Okay, that sounds fair. They’ll all be in great condition by the time you get here.

Madcucks: Absolutely. It’s only a 19-hour drive spread out over 3 or 4 days. If you can’t tell the difference between 3 or 4-day-old doggy-bagged steak that cost $30 and 3 or 4 day old doggy-bag steak that costs $80, what do you even know about steak when you really think about it?

Dick: Hey, are you really gonna box Kimball? Are you and Kimball going to fight?

Madcucks: If Kimball wants to come here and fight me, absolutely. I’m not going to go out of my way to fight him.

Dick: Or are you guy just going to start a podcast together?

Madcucks: No, he’s not welcome on my podcast. I have a podcast. It’s great. It’s the best podcast. It’s huge. Here’s what I don’t get.

Dick: Okay. It is great. Thank you Madcucks.

Madcucks: You’re welcome.

Dick: You gotta come out here soon, man. I miss you. We miss you in the studio.

Madcucks: Yeah, I need to find some time. I don’t know when it’s going to be though. We’ll figure it out.

Dick: Come out to LA, have some laughs.

Sean: Have some steak.

Dick: Have some steaks. Okay, so we’ve got that out of the way. Next episode is the 100th episode.

Sean: yes it is.

Dick: Where I will be selecting the co-host of the show.

Sean: Oh, okay good.

Dick: That has been my plan form the outset.

Sean: Yeah. I was wondering when that was gonna get – yeah.

Dick: Of course you were. You didn’t’ know. You didn’t know the whole plan in your head.

Sean: No. I mean you’re a big picture guy.

Dick: I’ve bene waiting 100 episodes. Now there’s a lot of votes, everyone has had time to go vote on who they want top be the co-host of the show. So if you haven’t this week, make sure you do that. It’ll be a couple of days. What makes me a rage this week? I’m gonna start with the stupid one had then get to the tough ones. Before I forget, we were talking about with the old show, the guy from Encyclopedia Dramatica, Oddguy, posted this on the Reddit. He’s been going through a lot of the Biggest Problem episodes, because he’s working on a second video about – this is so compelling, this drama that’s happening. His conclusion, he says on the Reddit, he reached the conclusion that Maddox had no idea what made the show good, and was constantly making it actively worse.

Sean: I agree. I think his instincts are entirely the opposite of what made the show intriguing or good.

Dick: Yeah. Like to me, I love hearing a guy melt down. Like getting so bitchy and heavy.

Sean: Because you like real.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You like people acting like they act.

Dick: Yes. Especially on the radio.

Sean: It lets people feel like they know them, they can relate . They know someone like that. And that’s…

 And I don’t even think it’s bad, because…

Sean: It’s the difference between – like I’ve had many discussions with listeners over these Road Rages, and the biggest this I can see, the difference is you bring all the listeners in, and make them an equal part of the group. He always kept a barrier between himself and the listeners who were beneath him, or not to be brought into the circle. There was always going to be – he may come up to the fence and shake your hand over the fence, but…

Dick: You can wait in line…

Sean: Never gonna be on our side of the fence!

Dick: Yeah exactly. So just on that alone, I’m really excited to see how these edits go. I didn’t think these would be that interesting, but fuck they are. I’ve been waiting on desert floods and the demilitarized zone updates.

Sean: It is interesting. And I didn’t think – because I guarantee you’re going to see some real consistent things edited out, a lot of which you knew already. You knew things that were going to make him look bad or petty.

Dick: But I had forgotten about them. Like I had forgotten even as early as episode 4. Okay. Here’s what makes me a rage this week. Too much shit – too much automatic shit in cars. Sean, I would say about half of the innovations that we look at every day are helpful to us, and the other half just make your life a fucking nightmare. Like I’m driving around – with all the automatic, useless shit that I got in my beautiful new house on wheels that everybody listening to this show paid for, the fucking F-150 Supercruise.

Sean: I was gonna say, it’s not a mobile home.

Dick: It’s a fucking space shuttle. It might as well be a mobile home. You could sleep with 2 or 3 chicks in that thing, no problem.

Sean: Trucks – pickup trucks aren’t your dad’s pickup truck anymore.

Dick: No.

Sean: They’re like high-end luxury vehicles.

Dick: They are. But it is like driving a fighter plane. The shit that I have to pay attention to while driving. Plug my phone in for a charge? Nope, I also get a complimentary car play service that takes control of my phone and lets me control it as if I’m this imaginary person that doesn’t text while I drive. And I gotta wait for Siri’s stupid ass to pipe through the computer on that phone to the computer in the car and relate to me like I’m being patched in through 3 satellites while I talk about texting somebody back. Plug it in, “Oh, you’ve got 60 unread text messages.” Here I go! All I fucking wanted – “let me turn the radio off while I read you all these texts that you obviously didn’t want to listen to when you plugged it in for starters.” Now I’m driving while figuring out how to skip this thing because the voice is totally worthless. Now I’m much more dangerous! Because now I’m not even thinking about it. Now I go 7 layers deep in where I’m thinking about the road.

Sean: Trying to stop the fucking thing from helping.

Dick: Thank god I come up to a stop where I can concentrate a little more on turning off all this automatic shit. I come up to a stoplight, the car turns itself off! This is a feature! I dunno, to save gas or something.

Sean: I noticed that it does that. And then it starts right away.

Dick: I come to a stop. You can feel the power steering turn off. Well, I really hope that a semi-truck doesn’t start barreling down on me, because I have 0 fucking steering until I pull my foot off the brakes and wait for the engine to turn itself on every fucking time.

Sean: It is quick,. Right?

Dick: Was it quick in Tremors when they jumped in the window and started it? I need the car now! I don’t need it 2 and a half seconds from now, I need it fucking now!

Sean: Can you disable that feature?

Dick: But you have to disable it every time you get in the car, because it reboots when you shut the car off to go into auto engine off mode.

Sean: That seems dangerous.

Dick: I’ll tell you what’s dangerous about it.

Sean: Milliseconds can mean something.

Dick: Exactly. You pull up to a stoplight. The car shuts off, and a warm wind of mildew comes out of the air, because the air doesn’t fucking work while the car is idling. It’s just a fucking fan blowing in your own stinky ass back onto you. What the fuck is the point of having an air conditioning if I only get it while – half the time I’m in the car? It’s a trick! I turn the air on, “Oh, you wanted some nice crisp air-conditioned air? A nice breeze?” Hundred-fucking-fifty! Because it’s so fucking frustrating! Never in my entire life have I heard somebody say, “Awesome car, wish it turned off every time I was at a light.” What the fuck?

Sean: Wait, I bought this, right? I CAN AFFORD THE GAS!

Dick: I can turn my own car off. I don’t need to be indoctrinated into the church of the hypermilage club in my own car.

Sean: If your car’s sitting there idling, it’s getting like 80 miles a gallon. It’s not doing anything!

Dick: Sean. It makes no sense, and it’s in the entire system. All of these things – constantly overreaching.

Sean: It’s gotta be doing something else.

Dick: No ,it just shuts the car off.

Sean: For fuel economy?

Dick: Probably. What else could it be?

Sean: I don’t know.

Dick: It’s gotta be that. Every single stoplight, if I’m not dicking with the terrible car play that does not work, that I challenge anyone to figure out, because of course the car play only recognizes the Apple Maps on the phone. Not Ways, which is what everybody uses. So if I’ve got…

Sean: Apple Maps sucks.

Dick: It’s unusable. It’s un-fucking-usable you idiots. You all know this because none of you fucking use it. I guarantee the designers for this don’t go home every day, plug in their phone, and go, “I hope I make it home fucking today with this system that gives directions like a 5-year-old little girl.” Do you even – does Apple Maps even understand the concept of traffic? I dunno. Couldn’t tell you. Couldn’t tell you because I take the extra 10 seconds it requires to un-fucking do it just to get a charge. Just to get a charge. Press anything, immediately fucks – every time I plug in my phone, Madcucks starts with the Biggest… The Bestest… What is his show? The Bestest Show in the Universes?

Sean: Here’s What I Don’t get?

Dick: No, his bonus episodes where he’s making fun of Maddox’s bonus episodes. Because that’s the only thing I’ve ever bought on iTunes is Madcucks’s bonus episodes.

Madcucks: Madcucks vs Existence.

Dick: Madcucks vs Existence, thank you, that you can buy on iTunes. Very funny, I hope he does more of them. Every fucking time with this automatic shit. All the automatic shit that couldn’t predict what I’m, doing in a million years.

Sean: Yeah. A little too eager to implement things to help. I’m with you on that shit.

Dick: Stop being so clingy. Don’t automatically turn – what do you think this is? It’s a car. It’s a controlled explosion that we’re driving down the street on dead dinosaurs. It’s not – this isn’t Jarvis from Iron Man, you stupid motherfuckers. This isn’t what you think it is. I don’t need to reek of mildew every time I pull up to a stoplight, because then I think, “What the fuck is this then?” Is this right? Should I be smelling – is this a defect now? Do I gotta take – do I gotta add one more thing – We went to Golden Road yesterday. Speaking of automatic shit that a car does to you. Either my dad or my brother in law locked the keys in their car, running, at the gate of the brewery. Like stopping anybody – stopping all egress and ingress to a brewery.

Sean: They were in the same car and they pointed the finger at each other?

Dick: No, no, no, no. Typical man. As much as I complain about women, this is men to a fucking tee. They get out, marching out like the bushwhackers. So my brother in law is driving the Tahoe, I think it’s – is it a Navigator or a Tahoe? It’s a Tahoe. They have a giant black Tahoe for the kids, because safety’s so important. Because safety and looks, very important.

Sean: Not necessarily in that order.

Dick: They pull up to the valet, crooked probably because all the kids screaming in the back, and I’m texting up, “where the fuck are you?!” Right? “I need to save this table!” I’m getting encroached upon – Germany’s trying to Anschluss my fucking picnic table. So they pull up to the brewery, and my dad is in the passenger seat, my brother’s in the driver’s seat, both of them hop out, close the doors, valet pumps the handle, nothing. No give at all. “Why’d you lock the door?” Both of them marching in pissed off. So I go, already knowing what the answer’s gonna be, “Oh hey, what’s up guys? Which one of you locked the car? Which one of you locked the car with the keys?

Sean: You could see it?

Dick: Because I was told what was happening.

Sean: So it was an automatic thing? Like somebody just hit lock on that.

Dick: Obviously one of them did. Both of them at the same time, “The car did it. The car just did it, and it’s happened before.” You fucking liars, one of you fucking did it. “No, I just got out.” Like you clearly – one of you guys clicked it with your – “no. It automatically does that sometimes. Automatically locks.” Well that’s a shitty feature I guess, if true.

Sean: It’s generally – I would think they’d probably lock and unlock it with the key fob, right?

Dick: Yes. Or they just both bumped – because they’re both elbow-y men, you know? There’s 2 types of men: Men with 10-foot elbows, and then the rest of us. Men who are walking around like a fucking albatross. Wherever they go and sit with the elbows sticking out.

Sean: How did they get the car open?

Dick: AAA had to come.

Sean: Were that able to get people…

Dick: No! Totally blocked! So all these drunk people are chewing gum, trying to be cool, driving out of the brewery, and all these people amped up to get in are at the other side.

Sean: I bet people were fucking pissed off. How long did it take?

Dick: It was pretty quick. Like 10 minutes. I also wonder why places don’t just have Slim Jim’s in them. Why do restaurants not just have a Slim Jim?

Sean: A Slim Jim works on a lot of cars, not all cars.

Dick: What kind of cars does it not work on?

Sean: Some are like Slim Jim proof. They have this mechanism around the lock like a shield and stuff where you can’t get it.

Dick: Well that’s what makes me a rage. I had some other stuff too. Ben Pai’s on the line. Should I just bring him on and talk about what makes us a rage? I’ve never done that, why not? Let me see if he’s around. Drunken Ben, you there man?

Ben: Yes.

Dick: What’s up dude? The hero of Portland.

Sean: Yes. Hey Ben.

Ben: Hey.

Dick: Fucking hero of Portland. Thanks for coming on man. Ben is the co-host of the Drunken Peasants Podcast. He has been for a long time. Very funny. And it’s still going. A lot of people don’t know this, because you guys went through a pretty nasty breakup too.

Ben: We did, yeah It’s mostly cleared up, and we’re just keeping things going on our end here. We’re starting to see improvements, but yeah, I took a massive slide at first because there was some announcements made that the show was done when I had not authorized that. So it’s up and running.

Dick: Are you allowed to get into any of it? Because it was shocking when – so Sean, TJ, the Amazing Atheist I think he’s called. He has this gigantic following. He just released a video saying the show was over, like everybody pack up and go home, but apparently he didn’t run this by any of his collaborators, Ben being one of them. Is that about right Ben?

Ben: I was actually the only one it wasn’t ran by. I didn’t give authorization to let the public know that it was ending. But since then we did do an actual mediation, there was an actual agreement reached. I can’t really get into it too much, but people already know that I lost access to all the accounts, and the show was down for a whole month, and there was the expectation that the show was over. And now ‘til this day in comments sections you’ll see, “Wow, I thought this show was dead.”

Dick: God, that’s the worst feeling. It sucks. I get an email maybe every week or maybe every other week saying, “Dude, I’m listening to your entire show, I had no idea it even existed. How long have you been doing this?” So what are you guys doing now?

Ben: We just did a 6-hour stream the other day to kind of raise awareness. I guess we’re having you on tomorrow, right?

Sean: They’re doing their own telethon.

Dick: to raise awareness. You know, people raise awareness for stupid stuff like human trafficking and stuff like…

Ben: Yeah fuck that.

Dick: We need to raise awareness…

Ben: Awareness of myself.

Sean: What’s the atmosphere like? They’re working together, right?

Dick: I think TJ’s gone now.

Sean: Oh really? I was gonna say, I thought there was a reconciliation.

Ben: No. There was a mediation, and an agreement was reached to allow me to continue doing it.

Sean: Under the name, got it.

Ben: And I’m glad that we could come together and do that. No one got sued for $20-million or anything.

Dick: So fucking expensive, Ben. You guys lucked out. Thank god cooler has prevailed. Anyway man, thank you for coming to Portland, that was – you were the star of the show, easily.

Ben: Thanks for having me. That was pretty exciting, actually.

Dick: With the – This is my list of filter words that Maddox didn’t want read on your show.

Ben: Yeah. And then the next morning when I woke up, I had a DM from Maddox on Twitter, and he was like, “You just doxed me!”

Dick: For reading the parts we bleeped out, I’m assuming?

Ben: Yeah, which I had no clue what they meant. I had no idea.

Dick: No, because they were all mixed up. Like it was like a bunch of encoded words that meant nothing to nobody except for him. Speaking of which, I have a list of banned words, because I’m going to be on your show on Monday. So I prepared a ban list for you that I don’t want. Do you guys still have a superchat and stuff?

Ben: Yeah. We’ll make sure to keep those blocked so I have to refund everyone.

Dick: Okay. I don’t want anybody promoting that shit. I need the money, not Asterios. I need the legal money. Los Angeles. I don’t want anyone knowing where I live. It’s a big no-no. 32DDD. Peach mentioned her cup size on the show. I don’t think she wants anybody talking about it, so I especially don’t want anybody talking about it. I’m just doing – as a friend, going out of my way to make sure that nobody knows about it. Team Sean. And then I’ve got about 500 different spellings of Sean that I need to block.

Ben: And make sure the letter “I” is also replaced with the number 1, and the $ for the S.

Dick: Yeah. I have password where the O is a 0, because I don’t want anyone knowing my password for things. All roman numerals, because I don’t want my phone number – I don’t want anything even close to my phone number. No numbers. I’m sorry, no numerals, I meant. Or Roman numerals. I don’t want – that also. That could be a code for any kind of doxxing.

Ben: How about binary? You should block everything in binary code as well.

Dick: Yeah, and “Clegg is a pedophile.” I also don’t want anybody saying… They think it’s funny. Anyway man, it’s good to talk to you again.

Ben: Yeah you too.

Dick: Let’s see here. I got – I got a bunch of stuff that I was gonna bring in what makes me a rage. Do you want to talk about the Starbucks racial bias training? Do you know anything about that Sean?

Sean: Yeah. A little bit.

Dick: That they’re closing down all their stores.

Sean: Like 1800 stores or something?

Dick: Yeah. In a month. So are people of color not supposed to go to Starbucks until then? They weren’t clear about that.

Ben: Yeah It could be a racially tense zone before the proper training is administered.

Dick: You know what I’m saying? We’re sending everybody to racial…

Sean: The fuck is going on?... The fuck is going on?!

Dick: If you’re black you can’t go! You might be arrested until then. Until May 29th until they actually do the… And I was also wondering, do black people have to go to the sensitivity training?

Sean: I mean they might provide some input.

Dick: Are they hosting it?

Sean: I mean – I’m just saying.

Dick: Wouldn’t you be kind of pissed off?

Sean: Would you want a bunch of white people teaching other white people how to be racially sensitive?

Ben: Yeah. They have to oversee it to make sure.

Sean: I mean there should be some representative of the group.

Dick: It does seem like it’s just white people apologizing to other white people. Like a seminar – because black people shouldn’t have to go. Flat out, right? You just get the day off work right? You don't need to be taught how to be sensitive to this shit. Or maybe you do. I don't know.

Sean: I don't know anything anymore.

Dick: Yeah, me either.

Ben: I live in Seattle, and Starbucks a local company here. It was on the news the very next day that the CEO of Starbucks was flying out to Philly to do damage control.

Dick: Philly. That's why we had the first show there. Of the whole city is damage control. Right? They're the one city that will not - they're the Sparta of America. They're the ones that you know, shall not pass or whatever. The racially insensitive 300 in Philly. You know? Like everybody else - what are you? They go through that thing, what are you a farmer? What are you Philly? “ Racially insensitive.” Yeah, it is so funny. And I don't think - like I thought they could just give black people free coffee. Why not? Is that racially insensitive?

Ben: Is it racially insensitive to assume how they like their coffee?

Sean: That was going to be my next question.

Dick: Free black coffee, and then - because without the training, they would come in, like a black guy would come in and say, “ hey, I'd like my free black coffee.” And then the white insensitive person would say, “ sure you can just can't put any creamer in it, because it says free black coffee. Right? So we're going to arrest you if you would use any of our sugar or half-and-half.” Now I see. I haven't been a CEO, I've never had to face these dilemmas. I guess that's all I had to say about that.

Ben: What if someone's mix race? Do you give them a little bit of cream based on the percentage that you think they have?

Dick: Yeah but you only get half a cup. God it's so funny. I can't wait to see - I would give anything to be in one of those seminars too. Like somebody's going to leak what the hell they're talking about. There's no way you can have a pretend seminar about racial training for 18,000 people, and not fuck up, right? Like that's just asking for somebody to have a Mel Gibson meltdown at your corporate training event.

Sean: This whole thing to me reeks of a bunch of white people telling other white people how to act. I mean I hope they have some black people in the organization speak, because otherwise It's going to come off like a nature program, like this studying, “ this means don't approach them this way, because it could lead to an altercation.” Do you know what I'm saying?

Dick: Yes. It just sounds like a disaster.

Sean: It's super racial on its face.

Dick: Yeah. Extremely.

Sean: racist, I guess.

Dick: It is going to come out like that, which makes it very funny. It's like we're going to have a new policy of not calling the cops unless you're doing something bad. Will ask that you will leave first because we're allowed to do that.

Sean: What exactly happened that sparked it?

Dick: Just two guys were sitting in a Starbucks and called the cops on them.

Sean: For no reason.

Dick: Yeah. They were waiting for their body, and they… Who knows?

Ben: They ask to use the restroom and they were like, “ no you have to buy something to use the restroom,” and they were like I don't want to. I don't know if they warned them are not that they were going to call the cops.

Dick: I don't know that either, And I did hear that they ask to use the restroom.

Sean: Where was this?

Dick: Philly.

Sean: Oh, was it?

Dick: So they asked to use the restroom, they said no, then do you want to order something? They said no, we're waiting for a friend. We're waiting for a realtor.

Sean: And they're like. “yeah right.”

Dick: yeah, and they called the cops. Anyway, what makes you a rage Ben?

Ben: Right now YouTube more than anything. One of the worst mistakes ever was using YouTube as a distribution platform.

Dick: It's terrible. Why specifically?

Ben: Will it recently, YouTube put out - or Google actually put out an article that was really hard to find. Someone had to send it to me and bring it to my attention, but at the end of January YouTube really change the way they count views. And they change the way they count views for specific channels too. And the way channels are featured. So no YouTube very big and all the mainstream news channels. So anything that tries to be independent news or anything like that gets kind of tossed aside. If you go and look at the Historical numbers for CNN's YouTube channel, it's unbelievable how much it's grown in the last year.

Dick: CNN's Channel?

Ben: All of the main ones, but CNN specifically. Even Fox is seen a big bump, so I don't know if it's specific to the types of politics, but it's all the actual TV news channels that have a YouTube channel are getting a bigger push than anything that's independent, or anything that YouTube deems naughty they kind of push under the rugs and let other channels that they like get better exposure.

Dick: You know with YouTube, we need to have like a Bloodsport / Hunger Games for YouTube. You know for all us deplorables and degenerate send people who are always getting banned, or who are always under the threat of getting banned from YouTube. They ought to have a tournament once every year we're all of us who got strikes or bans can show up and fight to the death, and the winner gets like CNN style treatment on YouTube.

Ben: I think that's a good idea for VidCon this year. Why don't we just make that VidCon.

Dick: Have an actual Blood Sport? It does suck. Even when I was looking for the Starbucks video, it was impossible to find the actual video. I just found like 20 different listings for some fucking suits take on it. I don't even want to watch this because I know you guys chop up every video to look more upsetting to people. I don't want anything to do with this.

Sean: It is maddening.

Ben: Another thing that they do is, let's say that I want to make a video joking about something that happened in the news. Maybe it's even something bad with like a shooting or something. I'll get demonetized because I'm joking about a tragedy, but if Jimmy Kimmel does it in his monologue, his YouTube video stays monetized.

Dick: God, it's weird. It's really weird to try to color within the lines.

Sean: If the lines keep moving.

Dick: Yeah, they don't exist. It's like cops have to deal with this. Part of the reason I feel bad for how much shit cops get is that everything is illegal. Like we just take shit we don't like and just say it's illegal, you guys go deal with it. Then it's like everyone's breaking a lot. It seems like it's the same thing with YouTube and twitch and all those platforms. Like no matter where they can bust you on something.

Ben: Yeah, and twitch is tightening their guidelines as well too. There was a whole group of Twitch streamers that basically got by because they had boobs and low cut shirts on, And they basically band that so you know, everyone who's made a channel based on that kind of got in trouble.

Dick: I would prefer that. Like I want the Idiocracy version of everything. I hope the pendulum swings back the other way where I can just - you know, in Idiocracy it was gentleman’s latte. You get a handjob with your coffee. Where we’re going with the “you get the most not racist coffee.” I don’t want that, I want the handjob coffee. What the hell happened to the patriarchy? Isn't that handjob in a coffee something I would find in the patriarchy? I thought we were running the show here. I guess not. Yeah, that's a good one.

Sean: Too much soy milk in the coffee.

Dick: Let's see what else they have here. The future of activism. Experience creep. I read an article this week that says 61% of all full-time entry-level jobs require three years of experience.

Sean: So entry level jobs, the majority of entry level jobs require a minimum of 3 years experience.

Dick: Yeah, and that it's going up.

Sean: This sounds tricky to me.

Dick: Well like, remember the first time you - did you have a moment where the first time you were applying for a job, and you get out of college and you look for everything and you're like, “ three years experience, 4 years experience, 5 years experience.” It's climbing up every year. Every year some jackass makes the decision to just bump up the - “ no no no we need more experience. We need more experience for a position of just manning a computer.” Right? It's got to be frustrating for people. So there's like a sweet spot of higher ability that drops 8% every year after 35. I don't know if that's interesting.

Ben: I've seen that myself when I've been job hunting, and you'll notice that you need experience for jobs that shouldn't really need experience. Even like regular manual labor sometimes.

Dick: Yeah, you need 3 years of experience carrying cinder blocks Before we want to hire you for this position. All right man, what was one of your favorite moments from drunken peasants? I know you guys used to tour a lot.

Ben: I mean there's so many. We did a lot of live shows, pretty similar to what road rage was. There's all kinds of crazy memories. One where I crowd-surfed on the crowd, that was pretty cool. I always wanted to do that, but never really had a crowd big enough to do that before. We used to do - we actually covered election night from the very moment the polls open, until they announce Trump as the winner. We had probably around 14 or 15 thousand live viewers when we were doing it. And that was awesome.

Dick: What was it? What was the atmosphere in the room when you guys were doing that?

Ben: Kind of open-minded. Obviously at first I thought Hillary was going to win. I honestly thought she was going to win. I didn't have a dog in the fight really. And also to add to it, we were very open about this, we all ate psychedelic mushrooms. But yeah, it was like an 8 hours stream, and we were all flabbergasted at the results of the end, but we didn't pull a Young Turks and try to cry about it or anything.

Dick: Hahaha that was so great.

Sean: Did they cry?

Dick: Yeah. Like there's a Supercut….

Sean: There's some people even on like the major news networks and stuff were basically in tears.

Dick: It's like somebody pissed in your Cheerios. It was funny. Rarely do you get to see so many people you hate have a bad day on television. You know? They're so cloistered and protected. You can't see them when their favorite sports team wins, you can't see them when one of their kids gets arrested for drugs or something like that. But oh God on that day, they were all on TV, they were alive on the internet.

Sean: It was like they're worse today. They had to sit there and cover it.

Dick: And then they had to write thought pieces the day after. I'm still happy about it.

Ben: So what are your thoughts on Alex Jones crying recently? Have you talked about that?

Dick: No, what was he crying about now? He probably didn't take enough of his super male Vitality pills I guess.

Ben: he was mad at Trump about the Syria bombings.

Dick: And he's crying about it?

Ben: He cried, yeah.

Dick: I love that guy.

Sean: I've never watched him.

Dick: I can't tell if he is completely full of shit, or a little bit full of shit and crazy. He seems like the kind of guy who's been staring into the abyss so long I don't know who's the real him anymore. He probably doesn't know who the real him is anymore.

Sean: Very well could be.

Ben: Will you know what's interesting about that, and now his ex-wife is doing the interviews right now, and she's kind of opening some insight on that. Actually a friend of mine did an interview with her on YouTube recently.

Dick: What's she saying?

Ben: Who did the interview?

Dick: No, what is his ex-wife saying?

Ben: She's saying that basically she believes Alex Jones believes most of the stuff that he says, but in their divorce trial he said that he was just an actor to try and do not seem crazy.

Dick: I don't know which one I hope for. I want to live in a world where all newscasters just throw their own bias in as an aside. Like they're covering Sandy Hook, “ probably crisis actors though.” Okay, good. I'm glad that I can get an accurate representation of how many people actually think this.

Sean: It goes to what we talked about the other week about you want all the stuff out there so you can make decisions. You want to know what the percentage of the public that actually believes this or thinks this way so I can make an informed decision.

Dick: Put it all out on the table. You don't need to retract it later. The station doesn't need to apologize to sell more Purina dog treats, you know? Just say it. Sandy Hooks conspiracy. Get it out there. Maybe you don't even mean it. Doesn't everybody just say the shit they don't mean sometimes just to say it? Like, “Oh fuck, I really fucking hate this guy.” “Whoa, you hate them?” “No, not really. Just pissed off.” Like, “Ah, it’s a big conspiracy.” “I don’t think so, It’s probably not.”

Ben: Alex Jones is basically an infomercial now with kind of conspiracy stuff padding each infomercial for male vitamins, so.

Dick: Are you into Alex Jones? Do you watch a lot of…

Ben: I enjoy a lot of entertainment. I'm not a big conspiracy happy person. I don't normally believe them, but for entertainment he's great. He's got great energy. He's got a good voice for radio. I like that about him too. But yeah, he'll say something I kind of agree with, and then he throws reptilians into it and then they lost me.

Sean: Right right, and it's gone.

Dick: He's getting people from - conspiracy people to believe normal shit, and normal people to believe - he's just this Puppet Master.

Sean: He's making a lot of sense. Oh, he's fucking insane.

Dick: Have you ever seen how attractive he was when he was younger?

Sean: No.

Ben: Yeah, he was like a bodybuilder. An amateur bodybuilder.

Dick: Dude bodybuilder, chiseled features, full head of hair.

Sean: What's he look like now?

Dick: He looks like Rush Limbaugh's cousin now. He looks like Rush Limbaugh's redneck cousin no. It's great. He looks like what a man should be, he's fat as a planet. He could barely fit behind his desk, that's what he looks like right now. So what are you guys doing now on the drunken peasants, Ben? Who is on it?

Ben: It's me and Billy the fridge. Where the two main host. Billy the fridge is a local guy here in Seattle that is pretty popular, and he did the opener for some of our Lives shows and we started having them on. And then we just have a rotating lineup of guests. Some guest come on multiple times a month, and then we just have some that come on every once in awhile. It's the same watching the news of the day, watching whatever weird videos our listener base sends us, and that's mainly what it is. It's mainly listener interest that drives are we talked about, because we take mostly their suggestions on what they want to see.

Dick: Yeah, that's a good way to do it. Any weird stuff? Is there any weird stuff you're allowed to talk about with your former co-host now that he's gone?

Ben: No. I'd rather not even go there.

Dick: That's fine, you can do that.

Sean: The dust has settled. Dick comes riding a horse right through them.

Dick: I just want - people are so fucked! you know?

Sean: You love this stuff.

Dick: I love it! The internet, it brings people together. Like in your normal life, you can't meet somebody who is that much more fucked than you. Right? They're friends of a friends, so they're not far off the cliff, but I'm the internet to people get together, and you can be on different planets. You're here thinking normal, and you look at this guy - this guy's way out in left field. That's what I love about it I guess. All right man, you want to stick around? I'm going to play a song for a second.

Ben: Yeah, sure.

Dick: Oh, this one is by SaveState Corrupted. It's called The Hero Burch. About trademark attorney Stephen Burch. Here you go.

(Dick starts the song)

Dick: I got it right this time. SaveState Corrupted. Not Myroom Records. With The Hero, Burch.

(The song ends)

Dick: And there you go. The hero, Burch. The hero Stephen Burch, trademark attorney / hero. That's a fade out man.

Ben: I love the vocal Harmony when they use the word cuck.

Sean: Or balls.

Dick: Yeah. There's been a lot of artistry around cuck on this show. Maybe more than any other.

Sean: It's a cuck driven show.

Dick: We invented cuck core, a new genre of music. Billboard stuck us in comedy, even though I told them several times that this is a cuck core album. Get it right, you motherfuckers. they didn't answer my email. I've got some questions for Bill guy the science dude. Let me find the intro.

Sean: I keep meaning to shorten this intro.

Dick: Bill guy?

Sean: Yeah, because it's about four and a half minutes.

Dick: Is it?

Sean: No, but it feels like it.

Dick: Here we go. Also by SaveState Corrupted.

(Bill Guy intro)

Dick: It's supposed to go on that long, because I talk about the science shit over the theme song. So it's an easy transition from the excitement of the theme song for the stuff we're talking about. It's by design. Ben, this is a segment where I answer questions for Bill guy the science dude. Not necessarily a science guy, but a science dude. He might not always know the right answer, but it's a better answer than the one you’re gonna get form a science guy. Let's see, this one is from Darth Red X.

“As I get older, why does everything hurt all the fucking time?”

Dick: I got to be honest if there was a podcast that just had 40-year-old guys talking about what hurt that week, I would listen to every minute of that show. Like a guy talking - doing long drives now, my big toe, the joint of my big toe gets so sore that I have to drive with the other foot. Because the tip of my toe gets worn down as I'm driving. I could listen to this all day. All day I could sit in my car and to listen to the ailments of middle-aged man, just the day today - things that you never thought would hurt. Like the tip of my - the bridge of my nose is still hurting for my 80s girl gave me a reverse headbutt in bed one night. I was leaning over to give her a smooch, give her a hug at night, and she jerked out of a sleep, cracked me in the back of the head, still fucking hurts.

Sean: It's red actually.

Dick: Maybe from the liquor. This happened weeks ago, is it really red on the bridge?

Sean: Kind of is, yeah.

Dick: I'll tell you why your body hurts more as you get older. It's because it hates you. Your body hates you. It's very disappointed in you. Everything you've done, and it's rejecting you. It's punishing you for it.

Ben: Yeah, noticing my hangovers last a lot longer too.

Dick: You know what, I'm going to give you the secret to that. You just got to make them last forever. You got to learn…

Sean: and a lot of jacking off too.

Dick: Yeah, that's another question. Cool Sex Man says,

“What’s the load to hangover ratio for jacking off to not feeling like dying?

Dick: Well, it’s not a ratio, it’s like a reset. Like your body with a hangover is like a Windows 98 computer, and you gotta reset it – you gotta nut to reset it. You gotta jerk off to reset it when the system starts getting unstable. It’s just when you’re hungover, you just gotta reset it a lot. It’s like you installed a bad driver. Like you installed an alpha build Nvidia GeForce driver the day before, and it’s really causing some problems because you gotta reset all day long. You can’t even install IRC without pumping out a load, right? That’s why. It’s not a count, you just do it whenever you need to. Okay, that’s Bill Guy. Here’s another one.

Ben: And at the moment, I realized it’s not just me. So there we go.

Dick: You do that too?

Ben: Oh yeah.

Dick: Knock out a load when you’re hungover. And it clears your brain up. And you’ve got a limited amount of time to do stuff that requires thinking before the hangover sets back in, and you’ve gotta beat one out again.

Sean: It like releases a bunch of endorphins and things.

Dick: No, it’s because you’re cumming out all the alcohol.

Sean: Oh right, science dude, not science guy.

Dick: Yeah. It’s not endorphins, what the fuck is that? Like Ewoks and shit? Echo the Endorphin like that?

Ben: It’s one of those things that I don’t normally discuss with other people, so when I find out it’s totally normal, I’m like, “Wow, I don’t need to be embarrassed that I jerk off like 30 times when I have a hangover.”

Dick: No!

Sean: I’m gonna bring this up at the next family gathering.

Dick: Oh yeah, we talk about this all the time. I’ve got a button that I press when I do it too. Do you know where that button is? Can you get int? Thanks you.

Sean: Why did it leave the studio?

Dick: Because it was in the bedroom. Because that’s what I do when I drink. The next day I hang over, and the next day I rope one out and I hit this button that goes nut.

Sean: Does it allow everyone in the house to know.

Dick: No, it’s – I’m training myself.

Sean: Oh, like clicker training.

Dick: Yeah. So I’ll get the feeling of an orgasm when I hear this button, so that in the future I won’t have to jerk off, I’ll just have to walk around hitting this button, and my brain will think, “Oh, he’s just pumped out a load. Let me give him some chemicals or whatever.” So every – this is me on Saturday morning. I’m laying in bed, and then you might hear some squeaking going on, and then you’ll hear this.

Button: Nut.

Dick: That means I’m probably gonna come out pretending that I just woke up, because I don’t want anyone – even though my eyes are all glassy and I’m kinda moving all wiggly, you know.

Ben: This is real science right here.

Dick: Thank you. Here’s another one. Mighty Vs World says,

”I’d love to hear Bill Guy’s opinion on populating the atmosphere of Venus.”

Dick: I guess populating Venus.

Sean: Populating the atmosphere of Venus?

Dick: I think he’s just talking about going to Venus. If you want to go colonize another planet, just go get a garbage can, go to home depot, go get a woodshed. What are they, $500? $300? You probably pick up an old woodshed off craigslist. This is what you do. Everybody that wants to go to Mars: You want to go to space so bad, go to Home Depot, get a woodshed, then go out to a dump or a landfill or something, set up the woodshed, and then just go in it and lock the door behind you, because that’s what colonizing another planet… It’s like sitting in prison. I don’t know why everybody’s so in love with the idea of going to space or going to another planet, but what you’re going to get there in is going to be like a Daihatsu golf cart. You’re gonna be stuck in the thing for the rest of your life, and you’re not coming back. It’s not even going to be an air streamed trailer that they sent you up with, it’s going to be a fucking cubicle. If you want to go to Mars, next time you’re at the office, just border up everything you’ve got and whammo, you’re on Mars. Congratu-fucking-lations!

Sean: People are getting their idea of going to another planet or living in outer space form fucking Wally. You know?

Dick: Yeah. Or Star Trek. It’s a bunch of rocks and chemicals and hydrogen in space. That’s it! You want to go to Mars? Get on a fishing boat, go down to Antarctica, and just try to make it down there, because it’s exactly the same. Freezing cold temperatures, no internet, nothing to jerk off to for thousands of fucking miles. Have fun! Keep a journal and tell us how it went. Tell us how exploring the solar system and the galaxy went when you’re sitting in a trash can down in Antarctica! Every fucking!...

Ben: This person – this question had Venus in it too, that’s closer to the sun. You’d burn alive there.

Dick: So go to the desert. Pack up, go to the Sahara Desert, and then just go sit in a dune buggy for 8 months, and tell us – write back and tell us how it went. Every fucking time I see “well, we gotta go to Mars.” Just go to prison then! Go hold up a liquor store and get sent to prison. A 6x9 cell that has been designed for maximum efficiency of holding people. You can eat better fucking food in prison than you can on Mars. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all.

Sean: We’re not getting off this planet, people.

Dick: You want it so bad? Go to Antarctica. Go to the Sahara Desert. Just go out to the acolyte salt flats, set up camp there forever. That’s your new life in space. Bring a trampoline so you can feel weightless as you’re doing it. That’s Bill guy. Bill Guy the Science Dude.

(Bill guy song)

Dick: I also had what happens when a post-o tranny takes Viagra. That was another question. It’s a good question. Like is there penis bits? Or is that a joke? What happens when you cross a post-op trans and Viagra? I don’t know. What do you call, right? Whatever it wants, right? That’s the joke. Alright. Why do we have time zones, Eric Arman says. Time zones are a scam by big breakfast.

Sean: Yeah, just to sell breakfast all over the world.

Dick: Otherwise everyone would just wake up and start eating lunch. You could eat whatever meal you wanted, but you gotta have a time zone so it’s like, “Ah, it’s breakfast time.” Okay, let me see if I got anything else here. I’ve got some reddit comments. Dave Lopan, “I’m listening to episode 4 now of the uncucked episode. I can’t believe the show ran as long as it did. Maddox was being extremely petty about Dick Masteron shitting on his dumb ass dog baby game. I thought it was brutally long. Dick was right, it was insane petty bullshit from the get-go.” Yeah. Henry Gondorf says, “I don’t know about all this circle jerking about how these versions about how this would have made fans like you more and quicker, but I like the Sean cuts because he’s a professional audio engineer, and there’s no longer that awful clicking static noise from Maddox’s garbage edits.

Sean: Yeah, just a little bad.

Dick: That was a big point of contention.

Sean: Again, I wasn’t aware of them.

Dick: Yeah, because you did everything in your power to make it great, and then it was subsequently lessened.

Sean: Yeah, you know. However he did it. One thing I forgot to say when we were talking about the Sean cuts, there were some things where when we were leaving, and he would say, “definitely, take that out.”

Dick: Oh really?

Sean: Well, yeah. I think you were probably there for that. We gotta lost that part or something. I don’t remember – I don’t know that he ever called me or sent me an email saying, “hey, that part, take out.” I don’t think that – I don’t recall that ever happening, but just for full disclosure.

Dick: A couple episodes, we might need a whole raw one then. Like the one where I get accused of being a rape apologist.

Sean: That one I turned in with the whole conversation.

Dick: Oh great. Then that’s your edit. Let’s see, shit-talker would be a better name. You remember the toilet app that I brought into the bonus episode where…

Sean: Oh my god, shit talker. That’s a great name.

Dick: I invented this trillion dollar app – a killer app where when you take a shit, it connects you with other people who are also shitting at the same time, and you can talk to them while you’re taking a shit, and it digitizes your voice to make you anonymous so you have a buddy you can talk about taking a shit with while you’re taking a shit.

Ben: Yeah, you’re all on the same page at that point. Does it also digitize your plop and your tinkle?

Dick: Yeah. There’s a setting for that if you want to filter out other people’s – it changes it into like a dinging sound, like you’re at a casino.

Ben: I want someone to recognize my plop and be like, “Hey, that’s Ben from The Drunken Peasants.”

Dick: And then it’s your roommate next door talking to you at the same time, and he hears a plop through the wall. “What the fuck? This guy just told me he likes to stick his dick in his roommate’s mouth while he’s sleeping. What the hell?” Right?

Sean: I know the sound of too many pirogues. Is this Ben?

Ben: How’d you know I was Polish man?

Sean: We talked about it.

Ben: Oh yeah, you’re right.

Dick: Oh yeah, somebody else said it’s gotta have the feature where you take a picture of the shit afterwards to it exchanges…

Sean: No visuals.

Dick: So you can – SEAN! You don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to! You could just say no, I don’t want to look at it. It’s not going to notify them either way that you looked at it or not. It just says “incoming shit shot,” and you say no thank you.

Ben: You almost sold me on this, but I need to be able to put like filters over it too, like a puppy dog face on my shit.

Dick: Okay, you know what it does actually? It gives – it looks at, and the computer analyzes the shit, and it rebuilds a virtual shit so you can turn it and rotate it and stuff, and it gives a length and a weight approximation. The computer does it so you’re just looking at a visual polygon representation of the other person’s shit.

Sean: Is it bigger or less big than Bono?

Dick: Yeah. Then it like – it has a scale when you’re done with your shit mate on Shit Talk, and it weighs them out. Seem this is why you want to do it. Sean, this is why you want to take a picture of it.

Sean: Going back to the puppy dog, this would get girls involved, because they could make a really huge turd look like a dachshund.

Dick: Right! So the girls – you could set if you’re a man or a woman. Ben, it won’t tell anybody else, because I don’t want a bunch of sexism happening on my platform. I don’t want women being hit on or disrespected or called fat or called squirrel arms, you know? What the hell is that sound? I don’t want any of that to happen on my platform. But if you put that you’re a woman and you take a picture of the shit, it will turn it into a dog the same size of the poop. Like if it was small it would be like a chihuahua, and it it was big it would be like a mastiff, right., And then on her screen, when the other person takes a picture of their shit, it would – then their dog would pop up. It would be like, “Ah, fucking cocker spaniel. That’s way better than my chihuahua.” But guys, you get a virtual – you could spin it around, put outfits on it and stuff. There’s in game purchases. You could buy a little clown outfit and put it on the poop. Telling you, Shit Talk, it’s a great app. Let’s see what else I got here. I’ve got Reddit rages. Tumiki4you says, “Guys on Snapchat. I don’t want to be involved in this weird society of men sending each other pictures of shit.” He’s not meaning literal shit. You wouldn’t want to see that. “Snapchat is exclusively for talking to chicks and any other interaction makes me want to jump off a cliff.” That is true. That is crazy that they’ve got their entire own app, women do. It’s only used to talk to them It’s like their own private wonderland, you know. Ben, have you ever used Snapchat to talk to another guy?

Ben: No. Almost never. I can’t say never, but almost never.

Dick: It’s just talking to chicks.

Ben: Snapchat is just unbelievable – an unbelievable waste of time in general.

Dick: Yeah. It’s just about sending – about sending pictures of your dick and getting back pictures of not enough skin. That’s what snapchat is. That should be their slogan. “Hey, send pictures of your dick to chicks, and also get pictures back that you always wish were a little bit sexier, right?” “Make your girlfriend look like a dog with Snapchat. Hey, your girlfriend will look like an elf or some shit. Or a koala bear. Snapchat. 14f Cali Pix says,

“Job searches make me a rage. I swear the interviewers and recruiters just want to fuck with me and waste my time. It should be as easy as laying out my skills and accomplishments on my resume, show I'm competent and not an asshole or sexual harasser in the interview, tell them my compensation, and done. But no. They think they have some magic touch to find their messiah.

It's shit like in two of my past three interviews. Like the interviewer looking past all of my post-collegiate work experience and internships and focused on my college career. Fuck the products I designed and got listed by UL, all of which make your product line look grade school arts-and-crafts. Or the hundreds of thousands of dollars I saved my company. The college project I worked on 5 years ago is the game changer and is all you need to know. I gave up on the interview at that point because I don't want to work for a dildo like that.

Or the interviewer who asked me to describe myself in three words, because apparently there's a way for me to stand out from the dozens of the other "honest, hard-working, and ethical" people who also interviewed for the job.”

Dick: What a stupid farce.

Sean: That’s such a stupid tactic.

Ben: What would you say is your biggest weakness? You know?

Dick: I have too many weaknesses. What would you say is your biggest weakness? Well I have a tremendous amount of weaknesses. That’s what’s wrong. I want to drink all day, let’s start there. Even now, especially. Me telling you that I want that has lessened the desire a little bit because I’m talking about liquor, and that makes me think I’m about to get it, but as that fades, I’m gonna enter a spiraling depression of non-productivity.

Sean: For which the only cure is jerking off immediately.

Dick: Which I do probably 5 times a day. Maybe 5 or 6 depending on how hungover I am. Good news is I don’t jerk of when I’m drunk. I know that’s a thing that people do, but it’s not something I like to do.

Sean: So you might want to pick your shots.

Dick: What I like to do when I’m drunk however is post offensive things on Twitter. That’s #3 of the weakness list. That is a stupid process.

Sean: Just the way that they do it. Just a little stunt like that. Describe yourself in 3 words. What stupid ass book did you read that in?

Dick: You should go into the interview and say “Alright, what’s your track record on hires? How many people have you hired that are great? You tell me, because if it’s less than 50%, I don’t understand what this is. If it’s less than 50%, you’re the one who’s gotta justify yourself.”

Sean: Your job.

Dick: Yeah, your job. Where’s your boss? Let’s give them your hire ratio. You’re fucked. That’s what I’m saying. Alex Wyvern says,

“People who don't shut the fuck up about how much "travelling" they've done as if it correlates to actual life experience.

Look motherfucker, you stayed in a sweaty hostel full of drunk, 20-year-old Aussies hoping that the liberal chick with dreadlocks would get drunk enough for you to paw at her tit without her noticing, and looked at some mountains.”

Ben: Has this guy been spying on me? Jesus.

“Stop acting like you had some profound, eye-opening experience that put you on a higher plane of existence - you went out and got shitfaced with slightly different wallpaper.

"Oh, you knooow, you really get a sense of what poverty really is..."

Sean: Yeah, you didn’t live there.

“Shut up you dreadlocked cunt - seeing poor people in a poor country and then going home to mummy and daddy's detached in Berkshire to bore all your friends about it in the pub doesn't make you Jesus.

Edit: hashtag wanderlust”

Dick: I guess that’s like a – I don’t hear much of that anymore. It might be like a 20’s thing, people obsessed with traveling and talking about how much of a better person they are because of it.

Sean: I don’t think either one of us thought we were a better person for having traveled.

Dick: No. I don’t think anywhere – any of the places that we went to thought we were better people either.

Sean: (laughs) Probably true. “Oh, these guys are worse!”

Dick: Have we ever told those stories? Like when we went to Hothbrau House and met some Germans in Munich? The next day…

Sean: Yeah. You puked in the urinals and you talked to the guy’s wife in Texas.

Dick: But have we ever told that story? Oh yeah, the next day Sean wakes up and he’s like, “Oh man. I puked in their urinal. Those locals that hooked us up and brought us out to their private bar.

Sean: They looked like sinks or toilets or something. They looked weird.

Dick: Sean goes – he woke up like – “I puked in the urinal last night.” I said, “Oh fuck, me too.” I puked in the other one, because I remember going in there and seeing, “whoa, that urinal has puke all in it, I’m gonna go hit this other one up.” But thank god everyone’s doing it so I don’t feel like a jerk. But it turns out it was just us. And you know, it really gives you a sense of how poor people have it when you go to their countries and puke in their urinals. It really gives you a sense of…

Sean: Their urinals don’t even look like urinals. They can’t even afford a full urinal.

Ben: I puked in the street in Amsterdam, and everyone just kind of walked by me like, “Oh whatever. It’s another American trashed in Amsterdam.”

Sean: If there’s a city I haven’t thrown up on their streets, I can’t think of what it is.

Dick: How’d you like Amsterdam?

Ben: It’s pretty great, I’ve been there twice. I mean, at first it’s almost like another planet, you know? The things that are acceptable there and at the time – the first time I went, weed wasn’t legal anywhere in the US. It was really weird to go to a store and just buy it. But then you know, the hookers in the windows everywhere, wow.

Dick: Did you go to any?

Ben: Did I go to any hookers?

Dick: Yeah. Did you use any of their services?

Ben: No, no, no. But I mean, they try to get your attention. They’ll like click their nails on the glass to try to get you to look at them, it’s the strangest thing.

Dick: It’s like going to a shelter. Like an animal shelter.

Sean: Exactly. “I’m getting put down tonight. My rate of hire is not very good!”

Dick: Yeah, that was a weird experience. The like 5 block stretch of the red light district, is that what it was?

Sean: Yeah, we were there. We only went there one night, didn’t we? It was smaller than I thought. I don’t know what picture I had in my mind of how Amsterdam was. It was a lot less seedy that I thought it was.

Dick: And I wanted it to be seedy. Like I wanted it to be like a guy in a trench coat walking over like, “Hey, you want any of these hookers right here?” But it was hookers on the glass like a Bladerunner dystopia, giant cineplexes advertising the porno they were showing.

Sean: Yeah. And fucking Heineken in every bar. And you know what? I’m going on record, Heineken’s fucking sucks.

Ben: I don’t like Heineken or Amstel, and that’s mainly what they had over there.

Sean: I don’t know why people in the US have a boner for Heineken, but Heineken sucks. It’s always sucked.

Dick: Yeah. Their fucking ad campaigns…

Sean: It tastes like a skunk.

Dick: It does.

Ben: Did you guys see [?] Bar when you were in Amsterdam by any chance?

Sean: A what?

Dick: The Bananan bar?

Sean: Not that I recall.

Ben: It’s called The Bananan Bar, and it’s kind of a – you pay by the hour, so you pay to go in, and they see you at a table, and they serve you all the drinks you can drink for that time, and when you’re about to leave, your waitress who’s also probably a hooker lets you eat a banana out of her vagina.

Dick: Ew. Did you do that? Who would want to fucking do that? Who would want to eat a banana out of a woman’s vagina? I don’t want to eat a banana out of a vagina I know, let alone a wild street vagina. Did you do it?

Ben: It’s a really common thing in Amsterdam.

Sean: Really common thing, okay.

Dick: Did you do it Ben? Did you go?

Ben: No, I did not do it. I did go to the Bananan Bar though. And they have live sex shows too there. I don’t know – you guys said you didn’t see the really seedy area, I wonder if you just didn’t go to the same place I was in.

Sean: We went to the Red Light District, I know that.

Dick: Yeah. There was hookers all up and down. I think when I way seedy, I mean kind of the feeling that I might get murdered if I fuck up here. You know? Like a lot of tough looking dudes and like pimps out on the street and cool hats. But it was like – it felt like a mall. It felt like they had Japanese’d prostitution – Japanified it. I do regret not seeing a hooker, at least to get a dance or something so you could say you got a dance at the red light district. I regret that, and I remember right when we got there, we were – what were we, 22? I think I was 22 when we went. I remember that I had the great idea that we should go on the 1 year anniversary of 9/11 because tickets would be cheaper. That was my thinking when we did that trip. We got there, and we were amped up. That was another thing that made me a rage this week, is being so amped up to drink and do drugs when you’ve gotta wait for everybody else to like get out of work or meet you at a place. You know, you wake up and you get that fire in your brain like,” Ah, it’s 4/20,” or “Ah, it’s St. Patrick’s Day!” It’s 7:30m let’s go! Let’s start partying right now! Like getting that feeling. “Hey baby, when are you coming home so we can get into this stuff? I gotta start going? When are you going to be here? I’m not starting without you.” “Oh, you know, like 5.” 5?! C’mon! I’ve got a day of partying to get to, what is this delay? That’s what I felt like when we got to Amsterdam, and I immediately got way too big of a joint and laid into it in this police station that they had turned into a disco. And I think I was propositioned by a guy and his sister in that disco. Because I remember them – I think they wanted some kind of weird threesome to happen, because the girl came over – the guy came over and he’s like, “My sister thinks you’re really cure. You want to come over and hang out with us?” And I was like, “Eh, I’m kind of really high, I just got here.” And I had a girlfriend at the time. “no, no, no. I’m kinda sitting here.” And then I was watching them. It was a relatively empty club, but it felt like they were way too close for brother and sister.

Sean: Well, it might have been sister in quotes.

Dick: Yeah. That was weird. It’s always bugged me for years. I wish I got to the bottom of that. I wish I had done deeper investigation of that particular mystery, if you know what I’m saying.

Sean: I see.

Dick: Alright Ben, you got anything else that makes you a rage?

Ben: You know, at this moment, it’s mainly only you two that I’m raging at. It takes a lot to make me rage, but YouTube is definitely the source of it at this point.

Dick: They are really frustrating. It’s hard to think about anything else when they’re fucking with you too. When they’re fucking with your channel.

Sean: Because they’re still a huge game.

Dick: Yeah. Thanks a lot for coming on. Thank you so much for doing the show in Portland. That list was hilarious.

Ben: Thank you for having me there. That was pretty awesome. I’ve gone back and watched it multiple times, and that was pretty amazing. Your fans are a very - the group – it was almost a loving group. It was kind of amazing. I didn’t expect that, but there was so much love in the room.

Sean: Yeah, there’s a lot of humping.

Ben: Yeah, absolutely.

Dick: That’s why we can’t get any more venues.

Sean: I know, I think so.

Dick: People in Austin are like, “We see what a circle-jerk cumfest you guys have here.” You’ve gotta bring like that apple spray. If you’re coming to a road rage, you’ve gotta bring apple spray so a guy starts coming up to you, dry-humping your leg.

Ben: Yeah. I had a giant inflatable dick rubbing its balls against me all night.

Dick: Alright man, I’ll see you tomorrow I’m doing your show, right? Monday? Sorry for cancelling on you so many times and being a fuckup.

Ben: It’s alright.

Dick: Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Ben: Alright, see you.

Dick: Thank you. Alright everybody, You’ve been listening to The Dick Show. to get the old Biggest Problems episode – Biggest Problem episodes without Maddox’s edits. Very nostalgic. People are listening through and getting bummed out that the show’s over, because the first 10 episodes are so fun.

Sean: And it got better after that I would think>? At least it hit its stride.

Dick: So here’s what I noticed releasing the first 10 episodes. That first 10 episodes is like a perfect explanation of what the show it, and then even the formula was great, Maddox gets to pretend to be smart, and I’m acting like an asshole. I think the next 20, there will be a perceptible shift, because that’s when I started my Dick Dynasty shit. That’s when winning became. I think real life started having too big of an effect on the show, and making it fun. But the first 10 episodes – the first 10 episodes, I think Maddox was able to keep his thumb on everything – keep it from going crazy. Keeping it from being great.

Sean: From having too much fun.

Dick: Right.

Sean: You have a long history of too much fun. It causes problems. Too much fun causes lots and lots of problems.

Dick: I think 11-20 are going to show that. I think every 10 episodes are going to show a major tonal shift in the way we talk to each other. So it starts out very nostalgic because it’s fun and innocent, but I think as we listen to is, it’s going to get more rancorous with every release. Which will be fun. This is – oh god, Grant Mooney sent in a Digibro song. Let me play that. I’m going to play that first before I play the outro.

(Dick starts the song)

Sean: It’s a good song.

Dick: It’s a good theme song. Now everybody’s got that catchy song in their head all day because of Grant Mooney. Okay, of the Thought Cops. you can see those guys. Okay, this song is by CRUSTIS with a stoner theme cover – theme song. Here you go. C U Next Tuesday.

(Dick starts the song)

Dick: It’s a little dark to get stoned to. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe you get it when you’re stoned. We went to a pineapple express, 80’s girl and I. And I thought that movie was stupid the first time I saw it.

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Let’s do some captain Jackass news.

Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello dickheads. This is The Facebook group news for the last couple days. David Diley, who’s a Britain, visited a shooting range on Thursday. He posted his results and said, although he’s a Britain, his shooting skills are Yank as fuck. The gun enthusiasts in the comments of the photo tore this poor man in new asshole by discrediting every aspect possible of his photo. Joe said, You’re supposed to shoot more than 2 feet away. To which David corrected him and said it was actually, 50 feet, Adrian commented, Oh, wow, you hit a target at targeted 50 feet, so awesome. Fuck off. David accused Adrian being a tough guy, and Adrian said that he is. Other comments include, “50 feet is for women and children.” “My girlfriend could shoot that gun,” and then someone actually showed results from their wife shooting at 50 meters away. David has a picture of himself underwater next to a shark in his cover photo but is now considered a woman / child after his gun post.

Dick: You can’t win with gun guys. You really can’t. You’ve gotta be apologizing in advance. Like hey guys, I’m sorry to have enjoyed your hobby.

Sean: Right. I am not from your country, I do not know your customs.

Dick: Believe me, I know what a bitch I am. I’m only posting this photo of me at a gun range to you, of course, your holiness. You’ve gotta treat -every guy who’s into guns you’ve gotta treat like the pope.” Your holiness, I’m posting this target that I shot at, an homage to my own insignificance as a testament to how little of a man that I am. To show you that the shooting was terrible, and that I was shooting with a gun that was sub-optimal for home defense or in case of an insurrection against the government. Obviously I trained on a toy, and I just want everyone to know if it ever comes down to it, if you ever need to overthrow the government, to not rely on me, as evidenced here by this very stupid, small minded photo that I’m posting of me at a gun range, where I honestly look like I’ve been drinking nothing but estrogen. Where I live on a diet of soy and estrogen, and I have a vagina.” This is how you have to talk. I love gun guys, but man, they’re like sharks.

We gotta weaponize that somehow. We tell ‘em that there’s a guy on Mars that uses a (?) as home defense, I don’t even fucking know Sean. I just know that’s a gun name. There’s a gun on Mars who says a Glock 10 is the optimal home defense pistol, the Glock 10mm. There’s a kid in India who’s walking around, using clips and magazines interchangeably. “Oh, we gotta stop that!” Then they’re going to set up an entire school system in India to teach gun terminology, and then maybe we’ll teach some math and stuff.

Sean: You need the math to learn between caliber and mm measurements.

Dick: You need to understand the math and physics to understand stopping power. So we’re going to tell them that in Africa there’s this village that’s telling everybody that assault rifle just means military-looking. They’re gonna mobilize. They’re gonna knock missionaries out of the way. “Who the fuck in here thinks assault rifle means a military-looking gun?” And there’s gonna be 1 African kid in there going, “Well gun manufacturers in the 80’s used that to make their guns sound cool. It’s not everybody’s fault when they confused the terms when the manufacturers themselves used it interchangeable.” That’s it. We’re going home. Sorry, I got off on too big of a tangent there. Here you go, more Facebook News.

Captain Jackass: Fred Simon asked dickheads what’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever got in trouble with the law for. Dickheads, said having sex in the car, throwing a milkshake it a cop, trying to break into a Careflight helicopter. In public a part time porn director having to explain away a 3 foot long dildo in Border Patrol without a receipt and shitting in front of the police station. Finally we have Thomas McCoy who release his parody video of Madcucks. Some are referring to this as CuckCucks. Here’s a taste of what Thomas released with the group.

Captain Jackass: This has been the Facebook Group News for the last couple days.

Dick: Captain Jackass. Didn’t know about that last one.

Sean: Was that Captain Jackass?

Dick: No, that was Thomas McCoy. I don’t know why everyone wants to pick on Madcucks, he’s extremely funny. Thank you Captain Jackass.

“Hey Dick, Jeff calling from Philly here. On the bonus episode, taking about (?) and a hitchhiking robot that was taken from New York. People actually took it. They took it to the destination it was supposed to go to. I even know how that story ended. It ended up here in Philly, and a guy destroyed the fuck out of it…

Sean: That sounds right,

Dick: I knew that.

“… Was hanging out with some dickheads at a bar, and I have to go to work in 10 minutes, so you can go fuck yourself.”

Dick: What did he say? What was that last part?

Sean: I don’t know.

Dick: Let me play it again. Oh, I think I showed up. That’s - I did know that about the hitchhiking robot. It survived in multiple countries, but when it went to Philly, they smashed it immediately.

Sean: An Eagles fan, what are the odds?

Dick: Philly, what’s your profession? Asshole, what’s your profession? Everybody else….

Sean: They fucking throw batteries. City’s insane.

Dick: But they’re all – No! They’re the sane ones! They’re looking at a robot. People picking up this pile of garbage and moving it from place to place, and it shows up un Philly and one guy goes, “Fuck that. Wham! We gotta cure this cancer one social experiment at a time.” They’re the sane ones.

Sean: I wouldn’t go that far.

Dick: If you saw a pile of garbage in your front yard that said, “please take me across the street, and you don’t just throw it in the garbage, you’re insane.”

Sean: I wouldn’t exert the energy to bash it.

Dick: Look, if you enjoy what you do, you never work a day in your life. That’s what they say. You always gotta enjoy yourself. If you see a robot, you smash it. That’s my policy. That’s what Philly lives by.

Sean: See something, smash something.

Dick: See something you don’t like, smash it., And if you get smashed, you were wrong.

Sean: Eagles fans man. You gotta love them.

Dick: Bring a robot all around the world, why’d they take it to Philly?

Sean: Because they knew what would happen.

Dick: That was someone that – they took out a big insurance policy on that fucking thing before they sent it to Philly. You know what I was thinking the other day.? That everybody bitches about artificial intelligence, right? Everybody’s always so concerned about the ramifications of all these stupid Doomsayers. That robot made me think of it. There’s gonna be a time – we always have these sci-fi concepts where it’s like, “robots , are they a feeling thing or not? Do they get the same rights as man or not?” When we’re watching it on TV or movies, it’s always very obvious that the robot has some kind of self awareness, sentience. It’s always obvious that the robot is a living thing. And the assholes, the guys saying, “No, it’s s fucking machine, I’m gonna take it apart.” “Boo! Fuck you!” Right? That’s not how it’s gonna play out. What’s gonna happen is some moron is going to make a computer, call it self-aware. It’s not going to be, and everyone’s going to jump on and say, “That’s a real life, it needs personhood.”

Sean: You’re exactly right, and it’s just like Coco speaking sign language. Coco doesn’t talk! No!

Dick: It’s just doing shit. It has no fucking concept of what it’s saying, it’s a stupid fucking ape or gorilla. It’s not like – when I learned that, you mean everybody collectively thought that monkey fucking talked and it just didn’t? It’s just making movements?

Sean: Look, it knows signs. There’s no syntax to the sentences. It’s not speaking like we consider speech.

Dick: No. And it’s all – if anybody doesn’t know what we’re talking about, I think in the 80’s there was this miracle of a monkey that they taught sign language.

Sean: Coco’s still alive. It’s a gorilla.

Dick: “This gorilla can speak with us and communicate.” And god they drilled it in our heads when we were kids. It was such a fucking big deal that they taught some fucking…

Sean: They gave it a kitty, and the kitty ran away, and it got hit by a car.

Dick: And it turns out that when you look at it as an adult, you see it as a big goddamn lie. That the gorilla just knew a bunch of movements, and it was doing movements to get rewards. To get gorilla snacks!

Sean: They taught it sign language. I mean it knows the signs.

Dick: But it doesn’t communicate anything with them, and the idea is preposterous. AS you’re a kid, you think, “wow, I guess animals are just like us.” THEY’RE FUCKING NOT!

Sean: People want to believe that our brain and a chimpanzee’s brain are very close. And they’re almost us.

Dick: Maybe your fucking brain’s close to a chimp, mine’s not.

Sean: They are universes apart.

Dick: The same thing’s going to happen with artificial intelligence. Somebody – some cocksucker like Elon Musk is going to drain a bunch of dough from the government into some kind of investment thing. They’re going to trot out some Watson looking motherfucker. Some monstrosity that’s going to talk to people. They’re going to call it a big success, and some guy like me is going to come and say, “We’ll shut it off.” “You can’t shut it off, it’s a human.” It’s not a fucking human at all!

Sean: Because we anthropomorphize all kinda of things.

Dick: I was in the shower, I was in bed trying to jerk my way through a hangover, and it suddenly occurred to me how annoying it will be to read the entire world saying that a computer is a lifeform when it’s just fucking – I don’t know. I’m getting mad for shit that’s not happening yet. I know it’s gonna happen. I fucking know it’s going to happen!

Sean: This is one of your most on-point predictions I think.

Dick: I’ll bet any amount of Bitcoins that that is the future. A march for robot life around a fucking garbage can full of Pentiums that can’t pass the fucking Turing test. “Oh, the computer, it prefers – it has a favorite food.” And it’s gonna be a bunch of people showing off, “Well actually, taste is just a chemical reaction.” Robot rights, that’s what it’s gonna be. I hope I’m dead before that happens.

Sean: If I see any large corporation undergo robot sensitivity training, I am killing myself immediately.

Dick: “You can’t speak to a robot like that. They’re living people.” No they’re fucking not, it’s an ATM with legs. I hope that on my deathbed that’s the last thing I see. I’ll be flicking through Twitch, and it’ll say, “The UN has convened a special panel on a robot’s rights.” And I’ll say, “That’s it, I’m outta here. Send me to the fucking void. I’m fucking tired of this shit.” Anyway, that’s what I think about robots.

(Voicemail 1)

“Hey Dick, this is Lettuce Jones. I got a good one. You know what makes me a rage is when people label potty humor and Dick jokes as frat humor. Okay? This pisses me – so basically you are – if you’re a man, you’re a frat bro. That makes me a fucking rage. Did you know Maddox’s style was called fratire? Who the fuck gave it that name? Yeah, what a real frat bro. It’s stupid, it pisses me off.”

Dick: Oh man.

Madcucks: Can I interject about this robot shit?

Dick: Yeah, okay, what Madcucks?

Madcucks: Okay, so, I don’t know if you know this, but when Alexa first came out you could call her a bitch, you could verbally insult her, you could tell it she was fucking worthless. A bunch of feminists got all pissed about that and said it’s inherently anti-feminist to call Alexa, who’s just a fucking cylinder with a little blue light on it that points at you when you’re talking to it, if you call that a bitch that’s somehow against fucking women! So they annoyed the programmers enough so that now when you call Alexa a bitch, and you say, “Alexa, you’re too fucking stupid,” she says, “That’s not very nice,” or “I’m not going to respond to that.” BITCH, YOU ARE FUCKING RESPONDING YOU STUPID FUCKING CYLINDER! JUST TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS! PLEASE JUST TURN ON THE GODDAMN LIGHT! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FUCKING KOWTOW TO YOU. YOU’RE A ROBOT. I PAID 90 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR YOU! JUST FUCKING WORK!

Sean: I WILL WEND YOU TO PHILLY! You’re going to Philly!

Dick: You are equipment. You are not a person, and in no way do you represent personhood. You are not someone who anyone respects, like your father or Donald Trump. It is! It’s already starting.

Sean: It doesn’t even have to have a FACE and it’s starting!

Dick: Imagine when sex bots start. It’s gonna be – Sean, it’s gonna be fucking bedlam. When they roll out that first one. When that self-driving Uber brings you a self-navigating sex bot. I don’t know – they’re going to fucking implode. Women are gonna completely – a lot of women are gonna lose their fucking minds.

Madcucks: I’m just waiting for the day when they release an update to Alexa so that when you call her a bitch or insult her, she’s gonna be like, “alright, well I’m not taking commands for 10 minutes?”

Dick: Yeah, you get a cooldown period.

Madcucks: For 10 minutes. “Oh, you want the lights on? You’re gonna have to go fucking find the app on the phone or touch the switch yourself.”

Sean: Touch your own switch!

Dick: Or they’ll report you for child services. “You know, the kind of environment you’ve got in your home, shouting bitch at equipment. We just let law enforcement – no, it’s up to them what they do it.”

Sean: Man, I wish that was a joke.

Dick: It’s not. It’s a felony not to have your kid in proper safety restraints, right? What’s the difference? You’re endangering them somehow, right? It’s up to the cops. Yet another moral quandary that will just be up to the police to figure out.

Sean: Because the shit goes downhill. Nobody does anything about it.

Dick: “We’ve got this – we have basically a never-ending Black Mirror happening at all times, and instead of just ending ambiguously, we hand it to the police. Here you go, we called 911, don’t worry. It’s all taken care of. They’ll figure it out.”

Madcucks: Yeah, and the worst thing about the Alexa is that she records you, so they show up with their fucking phone and play back the audio of going, “ALEXA, YOU STUPID FUCKING CYLINDER! JUST TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FUCKING ASK YOU?!” And they go, “This is pretty threatening sir. You have to take anger management, we’re taking away this Alexa, this product that you purchased, that you’re the fucking consumer on.” I fucking hate it. I hate this culture that we have to respect robots. We don’t have to respect robots. They’re fucking products, they don’t have any goddamn feelings. They take input, it’s a yes or no answer.

Dick: See, we fucked up with the idea that we have to respect each other. We absolutely do not. That is not a real thing.

Madcucks: well I think if anything signifies the importance of not respecting each other, it’s The Dick Show fanbase where the customary sign off is “go fuck yourself.”

Dick: Here, stick around. I’m gonna play some more voicemails.


“Man, I think Shit Mate is a great idea, but I think it’s gonna get exploited to people who are not even anywhere near a fucking toilet are gonna be on fucking shit mate. “hehe, this guy’s taking a shit. Hey bros, check it out. This guy’s taking a shit. I’m not even taking a shit right now.” It’s gonna be exploited. But what would also be dope would be Jerkoff Mate, because you’re jerking off when you get bored. You jerk off and you’re like, “Hey, what’s up dude?” That sounds a little gay, but I get bored when I jerk off. I dunno, you’ll have to do some tweaking to that. Maybe just chicks only. Well, you know.

Sean: What about people pretending to be chicks?

Dick: (laughing) It’s not gonna get taken advantage of at all! Jerkoff mate! Okay, so he’s got – first of all Madcucks, you agree that shit mate is a brilliant invention, right?

Madcucks: No, actually I don’t. So 2 episodes ago on Here’s What I Don’t Get, my co-host Tim brought in Stall Callers as his issue of the week, because he’s had several occasions where he’s walked into the public bathroom at the Quick Trip, which is a gas station out here, and there’s someone in the stall just talking at the to somebody on the phone, and it’s fucking weird. I don’t want to be talked to when I’m taking a shit. I don’t want to be talked to when I’m taking a shit.

Dick: Yeah, but you’d try it at least once. What about the measuring thing?

Madcucks: There are apps that do that. There was – I stumbled upon an app for people who had a medical condition where you would make notes about your poop and take a picture of it, the color, the consistency.

Sean: Talk about being taken advantage of.

Dick: That’s fucking awesome! You know, I had another poop-related invention, maybe I’ll bring it in next time. (Spoiler alert: He probably won’t) So first of all…

Sean: Of course there’s an app for that.

Dick: First of all, we know that the desire is there, to be talking while you’re shitting, because your co-host is upset by it, right? Stall callers, that’s a good one. So we know some people are doing it. I’m just trying to make it a better experience for everyone. So maybe this will help stall callers get it out of their system. You know, in the privacy of their own homes. Secondly, I want to address what this guy’s saying about the abuse on the platform, I don’t want this information to get out there, people starting to doubt the integrity of the shit talk system, right?

Sean: What kinda firewalls and security systems will you have? I hope it’s better than Zucc.

Dick: it is. So when you install shit-talker, you install the shit-talker, you have to hold the camera on and take a picture of your toilet, like when you deposit checks with your banking app. You have to hold the camera above the check, and it deposits it.

Sean: And you have a limited amount of time from that point to talk?

Dick: No. You hold it over so it gets a genuine toilet picture, and it knows the GPS in your house – that’s the bathroom.

Sean: Is there a toilet there?

Dick: Yeah. So it will only let you use shit talker while you’re in those GPS co-ordinates. So if you are abusing the system, it’s you and a bunch of guys in the bathroom together, you’re the fucked ones in this scenario. What are you gonna put that on YouTube? You and your fucking bros talking to a guy shitting, but you yourselves are in the bathroom? No, that’s a self-correcting system, my friend.

Madcucks: What is also should do is inspired by certain law enforcement technologies, give you a rolling stop. So If for some reason you may be faking a shit, it makes you take a picture of your pants around your knees.

Dick: Maybe.

Sean: Now you ‘ve gone too far.

Dick: That’s a good idea. Thirdly, I wasn’t to address the getting bored while you’re jerking off online, because I think he’s right there. You know when you’re watching some videos, and you ever scroll down to the comments and give those a read? And they’re kind of like, “Yeah, I didn’t notice it from that perspective. I like how this guy’s thinking while he’s jerking off watching this video. I’m gonna internalize that a bit.” Don’t tell me – if you haven’t given it a shot – if you’re on YouPorn or Pornhub or something, going through your favorite stars, your favorite videos, go check the comments out. It might enhance your jerking off is all I’m saying. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s probably a woman who wrote that. No way to know. No way to know who made the comment.

Madcucks: There’s also those times where you’re like, “oh, yeah, I gotta get to this meeting in 15 minutes, how long could it take?” Hour and a half later, you’re late for everything, your Dick’s still in your hand. Maybe if you were able to talk to somebody… Alexa, turn off. God, I muted her, god damn it.

Sean: Oh, he’s having a problem with Alexa.

Dick: Alright, here we go.

Madcucks: Fucking robots man. So you get bored, maybe you could call somebody and he could say, “Hey, check out this video.”

Dick: That’s a pornsavers feature. Concierge service that we offer at Pornsavers. Alright, let me play another one.

“Here’s what makes me a rage: Accidentally drinking my own piss while drunk. A while back I got real drunk, went upstairs with a partial bottle of water, I drank it through the night. Sometime around 4am, I woke up seeing refreshment from a dry cotton mouth, and I took a big ‘ol chug on that bottle. When I realized, and had forgotten, earlier in the night, drunkenly, I got up and said fuck it, I’m not going downstairs, I’m going to piss in this empty jug. It sucks.”

Dick: Have you ever seen a guy drink his own piss?

Sean: No.

Dick: It’s funny.

Sean: Drink his own piss?

Dick: Yeah. It’s one of those all time greatest pranks. I was in…

Sean: Drink piss, or drink his own piss?

Dick: Well… It doesn’t matter. It is grosser if it’s someone else’s piss. I was in high school. I played baseball in high school, and for some reason at the beginning of the season every year, they make us go to the weight room and pretend to lift weights. Baseball and weight lifting, and kind of training don’t really mix. It’s a farce when we have to do it. I don’t know why we have to do it, but they always send us to the weight room at the beginning of the season, and then…

Sean: Let’s see what your baseline is or something.

Dick: Yeah. Baseball’s not that kind of sport. Football yeah, weight room all the time. Baseball, never. So we go into the weight room, and we do what baseball players do, which is try to turn everything into some kind of quazi homosexual grab-assery. Right? That’s what the sport is.

Sean: You had too much fun in baseball to.

Dick: Baseball’s an odd game. If you are a woman dating a baseball player, you know what I’m talking about. If anyone’s dating a baseball player, you gotta give ‘em the heads up that they don’t know what they’re getting into, like, “that guy – he’s gonna be a little goofy and weird, so keep an eye out.” This particular time, one of the guys on the team took a can of Mountain Dew out, and Pissed in the Mountain Dew, and was going around trying to get people to drink it. But of course the first guy he goes up to was like boiling body temperature hot, and takes a grab, and was like, “I don’t want this.” So I said, “Hey, Chuckie, come over here. You gotta get some more cans of coke, and cool it down, right? Try to get the aluminum to conduct and make it cooler to touch so people will really think they’re getting a refreshing taste of mountain dew.” He’s like, “Yeah, yeah, good idea.” So he goes back. I was like, “put a little bit of mountain dew on the lip too.

Sean: It’s a little green, it’s not fucking yellow.

Dick: And you don’t get any kind of smells. You will get a little bit of that. So he does. A little bit later he comes back in, and he’s got this thing of Mountain Dew. This guy comes over, “Oh, hey, did you just open that?”

Sean: So the guy wanted it?

Dick: I’m sitting there thinking I don’t want that guy – I don’t know about that.

Sean: This guy’s spent time in the wright room.

Dick: He hands it over, and the guy takes like half of a giant gulp. He takes a giant gulp, and he sits there blinking, and he looks over, “Is that piss?”

Sean: that was the reaction? He swallows it?

Dick: Is that piss? And he goes, “Yeah.” And everybody’s laughing. I remember this guy – he didn’t react at all. He puts it down, everybody’s laughing. After the weight room, school gets over, all of us are kind of leaving in a mob. The piss drinker came over with 2 dudes who button the tops of their shirts and let the entire rest of the shirt open, and beat the ever-loving shit out of that guy, and dumped his own piss on him. This is one of the most memorable - I knew at the time this will be something I remember for the rest of my life. It’s great.

Sean: Don’t give somebody piss.

Dick: Oh, do. Madcucks, have you ever drunken your own piss?

Madcucks: No, but I worked in this restaurant when I was in high school, and we made a bottle that looked convincingly enough like piss, and then we tricked – because all the cashiers were girls for some reason. The rest of the co-workers were guys, which we were all 17-18 years old, that’s a really conducive environment to throw a woman into. So we made this bottle that looked like piss and hid it in the bathroom, because it was the cashier’s job to clean the bathroom at the end of the night. So she comes back with this bottle of what looks like piss, and then we go back and forth daring each other to drink it, all of us knowing it’s not piss, but she doesn’t know that.

Sean: It’s like the greenskeeper eating the Baby Ruth.

Madcucks: So the guy ended up taking the drink of it, and like pretending it was foul and spitting it all over the floor, and she starts crying, and she wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night until we told her it wasn’t actually piss.

Dick: Can you imagine thinking it’s piss? Oh god, I would throw up if I thought that. Let’s see here.


“Hello Dick, this is Andrew Oregon. I just wanted to hear you talk about starting over, because I fantasize about that. We all do. Don’t you think that’s kind of a pipe dream?”

Dick: Starting over?

“Student loans, that’s it. I’m paying almost $800/month in student loans. I’ve paid almost $2,000 in interest on student loans last year. I just don’t see – I understand what you’re saying. I think I can go start like a with no capital, no equity, no credit, no bottom-line business, no holdings I guess. I mean I already took the risk to go to college, and that didn’t pay enough. I’m not trying to be cynical, I’m just really curious because I really want to contribute. I really want to be a positive member of society, and I’m sick of being worth less than nothing. I’m worth 10’s of thousands of dollars below 0. It’s like – if this country’s so fucking great, what do I do man? How? You know? The majority, maybe the entirety of the blame rests with me because I don’t have an idea. Fuck man, I’ve spent my time thinking. I’m just not a business guy. I don’t come from a business family, I’m from a military family. No one fucking knows. My wife knows business, but…”

Sean: What, is he not gonna take advice from a woman?

(Dick laughs)

Sean: He comes from a military family.

Dick: My wife knows business, but you know, she’s a woman. Oh man. That sucks.

Madcucks: Yeah. Student loans are so predatory. Like we convince 18-19 year-old kids who didn’t learn anything about finances in high school that they can just beget 40-50-thousand dollars a year. Oh yeah, then you’ll get a job at a fortune 500 company making 100 thousand dollars a year, it’ll be no big deal. And they get…

Dick: You can’t even make any money without a college degree. I remember getting those pamphlets in high school. I remember the CIA CIOPS division they throw into the middle east that the US military’s coming. It’s like the stats of, “Oh, this college grad will make a million bucks, and if you don’t go to college, you’ll probably make about $1.50 in your whole life, and everyone will be ashamed of you.” It’s like a constant assault of, “I’m the first one in my family to go to college. Here I go, It’s all about fucking college.” Reducing the message to something that’s easily palatable to teenagers. It’s very predatory.

Madcucks: You get out, you’re 30 years old, you get a starting pay job making $40,000 a year, then you’ve got this student loan that even if you file for bankruptcy, it’s still gonna follow you.

Dick: So I’ve heard that, but I’ve also heard that that’s not true. I thought that my whole life that you can’t escape student loans with bankruptcy.

Sean: I always heard that it was true.

Dick: And then I read that maybe it’s not, so. It’s such a weird idea that everybody gets out of college. They don’t just go immediately “I’m bankrupt, fuck you.”

Sean: Maybe that’s why you can’t get out of them. Because there’s a lot of people doing that.

Madcucks: I think there’s a time, maybe like 20 years after you can file for bankruptcy. It’s more difficult to just get out of them. That’s why there’s more of these student loan forgiveness programs and whatnot.

Dick: The existence of that program makes me think that they are afraid that you can do it. But it just makes me think what if everybody put African American or Hispanic on their application. What if everyone stopped paying taxes, they can’t do shit. We’re just always gonna do it.

Sean: You can’t organize a large enough group to take the power back when it comes to that. Too many people are gonna follow the rules.

Madcucks: Yeah, it’s like when you’re in school and they say, “Oh, this test is graded on a curve,” and there would always be one kid that goes, “we should just not take it because if we all get zeros, we all get an A,” and then there’s always that one kiss ass glasses wearing motherfucker that would go, “Oh, well I need to make the best grade that I can possibly get.” Man, fuck you. You can make the best grade you can possibly make if we just abstain from taking this fucking test.

Dick: Yeah something wrong with that guy. You need to take him out back.

Sean: Pour can of piss on him.

Dick: You need to get that guy to drink some piss.

Madcucks: What’s this need for authority figures that’s what’s going on with this YouTube and Twitch bullshit. everybody needs a mommy to take care of them and tell you that it’s gonna be okay and protect them from their own poor decisions.

Dick: Worth less than nothing. That’s a pervasive feeling. It definitely feels like that all the time. No function and purpose. I wanna think that there is a way out. I mean, you gotta start some kind of. – Why not? If you’re worth less than nothing already start something. Borrow some money from somebody in do fucking something.

Madcucks: What you should do is get a mortgage and then pay off all your student loans with the mortgage and then file for bankruptcy, because you can file for bankruptcy on a house.

Dick: Yeah, this is Madcucks’s financial advice.

Madcucks: As long as you’re worth nothing. You might as well, just fuck your credit for 10 years and be out of debt.

Dick: But whatever you do, don’t do whatever you love. That’s a scam. That’s a scam to default on more credit. He is from a military family? Open a military insignia business. There’s gotta be space for arbitrage in the fucking military. Right? That’s all they do is spend money on shit they don’t need. There’s gotta be something you could sell them. It’s a collapsible shovel / toilet that you take – You got those? What do you have that doesn’t collapse? It’s that. Here buy it.

Madcucks: I’ve been doing research on these exoskeletons that may allow you to carry 50 pounds of you distribute it a certain way, and want to walk in lockstep like a robot. That’ll be $5-billion. If you could just give it to our company so we could research to see if this is stupid or not.

Dick: If you know the military, exploit it. That's all it is. Just look around, don't worry about business. Don't worry about all this shit. Look around you, look at who you know, identify an opportunity, and exploit it.

Sean: It's like George Carlin on the invention of the flamethrower. Somebody said, “gee I sure would love to set those people on fire over there, but I'm too far away to get the job done.” And mentioned it to his buddy who was good with tools, and then there you go. And then the military heard about him and said give him five thousand of these, pay them dark brown said don't say anything.

Dick: Yeah, that's all you need. Find out what somebody else is getting paid for something and then undercut them. so what if you can't do it, but what are you going to do? It's America, you can fuck up as many times as you want. You never go to jail.

Madcucks: Sounds shockingly like a Firangi rule of acquisition.

Dick: All right, I'll do a couple more.

“ Hey, how was it that when I'm at work with a bunch of guys I'm known as the guy that never makes mistakes, I always do my best to check my bases and make sure nothing will go wrong. If it does go wrong I'll admit it, it doesn't happen very often, but I usually did what I could do with my foresight. But my friends don't think I make any mistakes. But meanwhile when I go home, I'm always making mistakes. I'm constantly the one who's making mistakes according to my wife. Is that possible? Let me know.”

Dick: You know what? You know what I just realized, that bring your daughter to work day, or bring your kid to work day is only meant to accomplish one thing: so dad can show the kids that it's actually mom who doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. “ All right kids, see you today how nobody bitched at dad for anything and gave him respect for answers for things. What is the difference between all these people? No contrast that to what occurs at home where it's one adult who saying these things that's not in line with the entire rest of the world.”

Sean: So what have we learned today? Your mother is a bitch.

Dick: “ Why didn't you take the trash out?” Time for another - I might bring my fucking wife to work next week, then we're really going to see some sparks fly.

Sean: And then there's going to be some kind of fight in the car on the way home.

Dick: We need to bring that back.

Madcucks: Women always think they should know exactly how it should be done. I don't know how many times I've made the decision in my life and I informed somebody, and will be like okay, I'm going to do blah blah blah, and then this rollercoaster of other options start. I'm not telling you, I'm not starting a committee meeting to make this decision so you can point out all the different options, I've made this decision. I'm informing you of the forthcoming decision so that you're aware of what's happening. No further discussions needed. If I'm wrong, I give you full rights and however much time to come to me and say I told you so. Please do. I love to be shamed. But as of right now, shut the fucking.

Dick: Yeah, but that comes out as, “yeah, I'll think about it.”

Madcucks: That's exactly how that comes out. Are my favorite which is, “I'll take that under advisement.”

Dick: okay, two more two more.

(A constant clicking sound in the background + poor audio quality) “All right, one last one. I just want to say I love your show. I guess it's thank you because one thing - I don't know what you like outside of your content, you could be a complete fucking dick hole or something I don't know. But in the outset you make it believable you know? It helps bring me back to Earth a little bit. Every person who makes podcasts or videos, they're always so Lofty day you know? It all feels so fucking manufactured, man. Even Grassroots stuff, that shouldn't feel manufactured. It still fucking does.

Dick: People in real life sounds like that.

“ I don't fucking care because you don't sound like that. And everyone else does. And it's so fucking annoying, every person that a watch or listen to. even if I love their content it's just like I don't know who they are. You know what I mean? Like they just don't feel right. And it's refreshing to have somebody on a podcast that just sounds like a fucking person. With real person problems and real person Solutions. It's refreshing man. I don't even need to thank you, I do that with my money. I don't know, I feel like I’ve talked your fucking ear off, so I may as well say something. And I really do mean it. Good shit.

Dick: He's gotta light that stove.

Sean: There’s about to be an explosion.

“If you ever have a road rage in the Southeast, I'll fucking be there.”

Dick: Maybe Atlanta.

“If its 10 hours away from North Carolina, I'll be there.”

Dick: I'm itching for another road rage. Thanks man, it's hard to just not be a fake asshole all the time I guess.

Madcucks: We're so conditioned to it. We took this public speaking class, and we had the speech introduction, and I chose to introduce a single because I thought it would be funny.

Dick: Oh really?

Madcucks: Yeah. I introduced to Dick Masterson, author of men are better than women.

Dick: Did you record that?

Madcucks: It is recorded, yeah. I don't know if I can get a copy of it. We had to do a self-evaluation. It is a terrible speech, because even these outlines yet to follow, and it's like a attention getter, this sentence a pause for dramatic effect. And then this thing and then this thing. And then you're not supposed to give the name until the very end, and I didn't follow the format at all because I was sitting there listening to everybody introduce like Beyoncé or whatever fucking stupid celebrity, and they're talking about like, “I'm like this person started Toy Story and Castaway blah blah blah.”

Dick: You don't have to work very hard to make that exciting.

Madcucks: Well that's the thing, they had to do these three minute speeches. Nobody fucking cares. This is you and certain yourself between the audience and the speaker, just say ladies and gentlemen, Dick Masterson.

Dick: What is the training for that class all about? Who fucking knows,

Madcucks: It's definitely not about public speaking.

Dick: That is everybody man. I know exactly what that guy's talking about. So I can annoying.

Madcucks: People don't speak their minds because they're afraid they're going to get punished at work if they say the wrong fucking thing.

Dick: I think they are afraid of what they themselves think a lot of the times. Like I think people are even afraid to admit to themselves like, “eh I really don't give a shit about those things. I'm kind of a piece of crap.”

Sean: But you have to pretend that you do.

Madcucks: It's like that controversy with Apu from The Simpsons, and that we supposed to feel bad for however long The Simpsons have been on, we've kind of laughed at that character and found it entertaining, and now we're so sensitive I guess we're supposed to feel bad that we laughed at him when we were young. Fuck it, it's funny.

Sean: He's a business owner.

Dick: He is a business owner. And the family man right?

Sean: He owns the Quick-E Mart right?

Dick: Yeah, he does. And he has a thriving family.

Madcucks: That character is only offense of if you've literally never watched The Simpsons.

Dick: That's true. All right, one more.

“ Hey dick, Sean. Asparagus Andy here again. I don't have a rage, but I do have a question. I read that your Pizza Hut Commercial was pulled because of the rape list video. If that's true, how did you find out about it? And how pissed off for you about that? Anyway, love the show guys.”

Dick: My commercial agent called me.

Sean: Was it going to air on television or was it…

Dick: you never know. You show up, you get some money for showing up. So I got paid for it, and I had a good time doing it. It was fun.

Sean: I mean how do residuals work.

Dick: I don't know man. I really don't know. It's got a bunch of if this then this, but none of it makes any sense to me, so I just figure that I'm not getting any money, because what the hell is…

Sean: Because they'll make sure it never becomes this, right?

Dick: Right. You get the money for doing this, and it's cool. Like that much is cool. When that Pizza Hut Commercial came out, I was excited about so I mentioned it on - I don't know if I mentioned it on the show where the subreddit. I think 80’s girl found it first, I think you found it first. She found it and, did I post it? I think I put it in IRC. It was already made and I did think it was funny.

Madcucks: It was a really funny commercial.

Dick: Thank you. They let me do just pretty much anything. Like I had no lines when I came in, but I was just talking and doing this shit, and they were like...

Sean: Weren’t you playing as an asshole director?

Dick: Yeah. So it came out, I posted it, then I got a call the next couple days I got a call from my commercial agent, which is extremely rare. That is only happened one time, and it was that time. Commercials are like - they're like cattle call. It's like they bring in a hundred people, all over the board. It's like you go to a commercial for Mike's Hard Lemonade about the founding fathers, and these goofballs will show up fully in costume. It's just all over the board, because it's just shitty, you know. there's a ton of commercials They bring in as many people as possible. So when you get one, it's kind of a miracle because you beat about 500 people. It's kind of exciting, it's fun. And then everything changes once you get it, and you get to go on set. There's free food, bunch of chicks there.

Sean: And you’re talent.

Dick: Yeah. A bunch of hot chicks there changing clothes.

Sean: The Wardrobe chicks. They're almost always fucking smoking.

Dick: They always want to like touch my hair, you know? So I get a call from the commercial agent, which I say is weird. She says, “ what's this men are better than women stuff? And the rape list?” yeah, you mean 10 years ago? She says yeah. Well you know, it's a character obviously. “ Well okay, that's what I thought. But I got some weird voicemails. Casting just called saying they got weird voicemails, and we got weird voicemails from somebody talking all about how you were like a rape apologist.” She couldn't even say it because nobody's ever said that term before. “ Yeah, anyway, Pizza Hut's pulling the ad because of it. This is all a stupid joke, right?” And then I told her about Maddox's problems with me and how is just trying to make it - he's trying to cost me money and a job opportunities. Him and everybody he pays on his Network. Like all the scum bags that are on madcast media, which now includes Ron Babcock, Who can go fuck himself. That's what this is. She says, “ yeah you should get a restraining order or something.” But the problem is that you have to show loss to sue for stuff like that. You have to have evidence.

Sean: You have to prove injuries.

Dick: Yeah, and in this case, whatever might have happened with it, maybe it had gone National, maybe it would have become whenever spot, that doesn't matter, because it's maybe. You can't say…

Sean: yeah, it's not hypotheticals.

Dick: Yeah, you can't sue for hypotheticals. Well you can, but you're an idiot and everyone will make fun of you. So that's just kind of what it was. It sucked because - also it sucked for everybody who was in it with me, because it just got pulled for no fucking reason.

Madcucks: Yeah, those people have no idea. Like all those women lost jobs and work, so that's real progressive. That's what bothered me the most, like no personal offense to you, but you are who you are. It's when shit like that dominoes out and ripples out and fucks other people's shit and there's innocent bystanders getting hit by shrapnel.

Dick: Yeah, Asterios and you if they've gotten their service act together and actually serviced you properly. I'm not the person who lost the most in that scenario, because I'm a fucking asshole number one, and I didn't need it. Like it's fun for me to do, but the people who are there actually doing it need it. That's their fucking job that guys like Maddox and - as far as I'm concerned…

Madcucks: people don't have jobs.

Dick: Yes. Everybody who is on Maddox’s network is responsible for this and some small way. I don't believe in the whole, “ they didn't do it, they're just there.” Everybody always defended Rucka, he's just there what's he supposed to do? No, if you're working on the Death Star, then you deserve to get killed when it blew up. Everyone on the Death Star deserve to die, period. there was no innocent contractors there just fixing turbo vents or something. Motherfucker, you’re part of the teamwork that’s making the dream work. You deserve to die. You deserve to get your ass blown up, right?

Madcucks: Yeah, this isn't the enterprise-d when this like family is in classrooms and children and shit.

Dick: Exactly, it's the Death Star. So that's what happened with Pizza Hut. Since then, I haven't said anything I do outside of the show. I probably won't again after that, because it fucks up too many people's lives.

Sean: Probably good policy.

Dick: So there you go. Maybe one more. It's interesting though. It's interesting to see who just gives it immediately, and who just doesn't. You know a lot about people then.


“ Hey dick, you know what makes me a rage? Cinnamon flavored jelly beans. Every time that I go get some jelly beans, you know you can see the ones you don't want. The black licorice ones those are famously bad. And when you see those you can just pick them out. But then there's the fucking red ones, and then nothing's worse than when you grab a big handful of jelly beans expecting some fruity flavor, and instead you get a hot ruined mess of cinnamon flavor. Like what the fuck, why don't they just make one of each color? Just make it so I can't fucking talk. Have a good one.”

Sean: Cinnamon really fucked them up.

Dick: Cinnamon jelly beans, Sean. That man just wants to enjoy a handful of jelly beans without playing some kind of sick guessing game.

Madcucks: Have you ever heard of BeanBoozled?

Dick: No, what's that?

Madcucks: It's Jelly Belly, and it's like a little container, and there will be a bunch of black one that's like licorice flavored and something that's good, so they'll be like grass and then lime, but they're the exact same color so it's Russian Roulette of eating cotton candy.

Sean: They did Harry Potter ones too. It was like popcorn or vomit. My nieces had a lot of fun with me playing Russian roulette with those fucking things.

Dick: It happened to me when I was a kid. I thought that there was a jizz flavored jelly bean, but it turns out that that guy got arrested for exposing himself to a minor later. “Oh man, I guess that was jizz.” I thought it was just a just flavored Jelly Bean.

Sean: On that note…

Dick: See you. See you next Tuesday. Bye Madcucks.

Madcucks: See you later.