Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Peach Saliva, Phone Losers of America, Myroom Records
Transcription by /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Dick: Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick! You got it! It’s the only show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I am your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? Joining us today for this very, very disastrously hungover episode, the day after St. Patrick’s Day, I don’t know why we do this, is Peach Saliva.
Peach: Hello today.
Dick: Hi… I don’t know why I scheduled this after St. Patrick’s day, especially at 11. That is just – that is psychotic. Not even at 12. I could have just pushed it back to 12.
Sean: True. A lot of self-loathing going on.
Dick: I don’t want to admit that…
Sean: (interjects) That I’m not quite functional.
Dick: Yeah. I don’t want to admit via text to Sean that I don’t have the control that I think I do.
Sean: Well, you know. Doesn’t need to be said.
Dick: It does need to be said. Aggressively! Yes! I need to say it now while I’m in the state of this irreparable, un-nuttable, un-through-able hangover. God bless the 2am throw up too.
Sean: Yeah, that’ll save you.
Dick: That’s the biggest solution in the universe.
Peach: Did you like force yourself, or it just happened?
Dick: Just happened. It’s like a gift form god. I woke up and I ran into the bathroom.
Peach: God has abandoned me, because I was just spinning all night. Just spin, spin.
Dick: I was like a fire hose, as soon as it hit. It started before I even went down to my knees in front of the toilet. It started back, like the old tank wars game, like -Angry Birds. I had to angle it and hit the pig in the toilet.
Sean: Was the lid up?
Dick: Yes, thank God. When I started shooting it, and I did a, you know – I bent over to do it, and I bent over so fast that the puke was going back into my – I was keeping up with my own throw up. So, there was like a sonic boom of throw up when I passed my own throw up and put it back into my throat.
Sean: You’re like a plane that’s so fast it could shoot itself down.
Dick: Yeah… But I did it, and I got it all in there, and I thought to myself, “Ah, this is great. I’m gonna feel like I escaped the hangman’s noose tomorrow for the show.”
Sean: You don’t look brutally hungover.
Dick: Sean, it’s because – It’s because the 2am throw up. Thank God. Thank God. Because yesterday was a disaster, and it’s all Diego’s fault. It’s Diego’s fault for showing up – See, Diego’s a different kind of drinker than me and Coach, and by extension, everyone who comes with me.
Sean: Was Coach involved in these shenanigans?
Dick: Coach was involved. Coach and I… First, let me say – Let me announce the download numbers for the show. I guess Madcast Media announced their download numbers, so people wanted me to announce the download numbers of this show, (Dick suddenly gets way louder) which I will do! We are just shy – 30,000 downloads or so shy of 5-million downloads.
Dick: It’s a lot. So, I think this week will hit it. Libsyn did a weird thing where they changed how downloads work. Like they had a very lengthy explanation that I got absolutely nothing from. Like, to be more – to – it was some kind of advertising standard that they were trying to adhere to. But all I know is downloads dropped, and I don’t understand what was changed. They said, “If you have a long show, you’re gonna suffer for it.”
Sean: Because people have to listen to it for more than a certain length of time in order for it to count as a download.
Dick: I guess, but I don’t know how they count it.
Peach: I think that’s how it is on YouTube now where you have to watch for a certain length of time, but no one quite knows what it is.
Sean: Well that’s so they can get out of paying advertising dollars.
Dick: WELL THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING – So… Oh, this mean I get less money if I were running ads? No wonder the explanation is so long, because there’s full of bullshit! [sic]
Sean: Yeah, sure. Again, they’ll just force you to give up on it. It’s like, “Ah, I guess they’re fucking me.”
Dick: What am I gonna do? Sue ‘em for 20-million dollars? Clearly that doesn’t work! If the explanation is ever longer than 2 sentences, you’re getting screwed. That’s how it works.
Sean: It’s better for you to just accept that and move on.
Dick: You’re never gonna get the satisfaction of a straight answer. I don’t even really care, it’s just a Dick measuring contest that matters to me. And what’s doubly fucked is – like, first of all, none of the other stats dropped across the board. The website stats, website traffic, the people on the Reddit and Facebook. Nothing dropped.
Sean: So, you know something’s up when they change, not you.
Dick: Except Libsyn changed something, and they even keep track of their stats differently. It’s like after D Day, and before D Day. It’s like, well, this kinda sucks. It’s like somebody invented a new measuring system, and now my Dick is only 3 quiglars long. Well, 3 is less than what it used to be. I don’t care what the quiglars are, just don’t – let me opt back in. I don’t have ads. Let me opt back into the bigger Dick measuring – the bigger one! Put a zero on it!... Assholes. So, we’re at about 5-million. Thank you for listening. Which is significantly more – I think somebody said Madcast was at 3-million. I know one of those is bigger. I didn’t not get a math degree, but I know one of those is a lot bigger. Must be more engaging content, I guess.
Sean: Well, and it’s probably – for that network, that probably counts both shows, I would imagine. (Dick laughs) I mean… I don’t know what’s on there.
Dick: Peach is here. Brad from Phone Losers is gonna call in a bit. He’s got a very interesting and weird story.
Sean: Yeah. You were teasing that last week.
Dick: I guess he ended up in court recently. He had a lolsuit of his own, and I think he lost.
Peach: For what?
Dick: For like prank calls. For felony prank calling.
Sean: I didn’t know that was a thing. I could imagine that’s a thing if there’s – you know, if you’re calling certain people.
Dick: Like if you’re calling a reporter you mean?
Sean: Yeah! I mean that’s – you know, that’s not a felony apparently, right?
Dick: Somebody said it is! He has a video saying criminal impersonation is an E-class felony, if you’re posing as an organization or a person to try and either get benefit or harm somebody. Izzy says it is.
Sean: Well, I dunno. I think Nick was saying it was a misdemeanor, right?
Dick: I dunno.
Sean: I dunno.
Dick: Yeah, but I like Izzy’s version more.
Sean: Yeah, well it’s more severe.
Dick: Yeah, so he’s probably right. He’s calling in. Myroom Records is calling in too. He’s got an album. (Dick whispers: “Jesus Christ, this is a fucking disaster.”) Coach and I, and everybody else. The whole crew. We went out to Hermosa beach yesterday for the St. Patrick’s day parade, because Coach and I were marching with the NRA.
Sean: Oh. There’s an NRA march?
Dick: Well, it wasn’t an NRA march, it was just a float. Like, it was a St. Patrick’s Day parade with a bunch of St. Patrick’s themed stuff, and then the NRA gets a float. Coach is obviously in the NRA, and goes to the meetings and stuff over there. I’ve been to a couple of meetings. They’re at the VFW and also [gundo?]
Sean: That sounds alright.
Dick: Yeah, they’re pretty fun. I think they’re interesting. Interesting cross-section of people.
Sean: Are you guys the youngest by like 30 years?
Dick: No! There’s a lot of – there’s a lot of people like us. Just like random young people at the NRA who – I dunno if they’re veterans. They don’t seem like veterans, but I dunno what a veteran really looks like other than the caricature I have in my head of the guy in Ren & Stimpy – the drill sargant from Ren & Stimpy that would scream at people all the time. But I love the meetings because there’s always – there’s always like homemade propaganda at the front. Like, dudes will print out their – Impact font, like, you know. The slogans are a little wordy. I’m not knocking them, but it is funny to me. So, we do this NRA march, and it’s like – first of all, Coach was a little upset at me because I brought the no step on snek flag. Coach says to me, “Well you need a flag. I’m bringing an American flag. I march around like Captain America waving the flag. You should have a flag.” What about the no step on snek flag? Right?
Sean: You made a mockery of what Coach was trying to do.
Dick: That’s what he said!
Sean: Oh, no. I understand where he’s going. I mean, it’s funny. It’s fucking hilarious, but I know how he is.
Dick: Yeah. He instantly regretted it. He’s like, “It’s kind of a mockery.” Well, I dunno. Isn’t marching in a parade kind of a – how serious can we take this? And actually doing it – having done it, I think that was a big part of the problem. The seriousness that some of these dudes will take this. Like you know, we need to lighten this up. The NRA has a convertible, and they’ve got a character called Eddy the Eagle who’s like a mascot. You know, like a furry suit of an eagle that rides in the back of the convertible. And kids, because they see a character, are like – you know what a local parade is. It’s like Joe the plumber. It’s just – I still don’t even understand it! It’s local businesses getting in their car and driving down the street and waving at people. Why are people coming out to see this? Kids are running up en masse like on of the Beatles is in this convertible, treating Eddy the Eagle like he’s a famous Rockstar. But all the parents, they see the NRA…
Sean: Did the eagle pull a piece out and tell them to get back?
Dick: Yeah. Like, “Oh, man, you sons of bitches.”
Sean: With a cutesy mascot handing out free guns.
Dick: Yeah. Not too many boos though. Less than I thought there would be.
Sean: Yeah, you’d think there’d be a lot of boos.
Dick: “Boo, go home.” So the kids see – the kids just see some random dads booing a cartoon character. They don’t understand. They’re just like, “Why is that guy booing this cool eagle?”
Sean: Kids just think it’s a cute costume.
Dick: And then you’ve got me & coach with the step on – And here’s the thing! I’m walking around with the step on snek flag, and the young people, I hear them making comments about it. Like, “Oh, step on snek. That’s great. Great to see.” Meanwhile, the NRA guys, god bless ‘em, the look like Da Bears guys from SNL. Coach lives in a high-tech area near El Segundo, so it’s predominately Asian. A lot of Asians down there. So it’s like an Asian version of Da Bears guys with thick shades, big mustaches, and coats kind of like stomping around behind this. It doesn’t look very welcoming, I’m saying. Coach and I try to add a little fun to it. A little flair to the NRA at this time. At this delicate time in this nation’s history.
Peach: Yeah. It was so cute watching you Vince McMan-ing it down the street.
Dick: Yeah, it was fun. It was fun to have. Try to lighten up the mood a little bit.
Sean: Yeah. The political climate is thick with tension these days.
Dick: Well Diego gets – we go out drinking, of course, after this. Yeah, it is Diego’s fault. We go out drinking. Randy somehow Hollywoods his way into a private area that I don’t know how he got into, and Diego shows up. Diego shows up when I know I need to go home. I’m like, “I need to get out of here,” then Diego walks in. Oh fuck. He brings his cousin. These guys are young, amped up, they’re ready to booze, right? And we’ve been drinking all day.
Sean: What time is it now?
Dick: It’s about 7. Probably 6 or 7. I’m tossed. Coach is tossed. They walk in. Coach’s first comment to Diego’s cousin is, “Are you a DACA recipient?” Right off the bat.
Sean: “You look like an amendment guy.”
Dick: You ned to get out of here, but, you know… You can’t. They bring that new life into the drink, and you can’t all of a sudden – Irish car bombs are coming out.
Sean: That’s when the real bad decisions are made. When you’ve been drinking all day, somebody knew what was up, injects life into the party, and then you start drinking girly drinks – like full of sugar. Yeah, this is a problem.
Dick: Which is a big fucking mistake, and it really fucked us over, and I kept leaning on 80’s girl and whispering, “are you ready to go? I gotta go.” I know these words mean nothing, but I need an adult.
Sean: Please get me out of this.
Dick: I can’t say no to Diego. These young guys are tearing us apart. Yeah, anyway, that’s where we are today. Good time though.
Sean: Well, you’re both upright. That’s good.
Dick: Peach was the only redhead in the whole town.
Peach: No, there was one guy. There was one guy, and I went up to him, shook his hand, and said, “stay strong out there. Use your SPF. Above 30. 30+.” It was hard. It was sunny, so I had to be in the shade, and poor 80’s girl was like, “I’m cold.” So she’s standing in the sun, and I’m in the shade like a golem, it was awful.
Dick: Alright, I’ll tell you what makes me a rage this week. A couple things. I got locked out of Twitter again. I don’t know if you knew that, Sean. I got a week-long suspension for…
Sean: Wait, I didn’t know you were back on it.
Dick: I got back on.
Sean: You got back on? How did you get back on?
Dick: I dunno. I just kept trying to create accounts until it finally let me on.
Sean: How different did you have to go?
Dick: I almost got a burner phone just like a drug dealer just to do this, but I finally went on incognito. After a month or something, it let me back on. I was in an argument with Tim Pool and his brother, apparently. Tim Pool the “journalist.” I’ve got a problem with him, and everyone knows I have a problem with him in the past. He’s telling me how the lolsuit isn’t important because I don’t have enough followers, and that it’s not the kind of hard-hitting journalism that he likes to do, like his visit to the penis museum.
Dick: Yeah. He went to the penis museum.
Peach: That’s more important than a…
Dick: Yeah. It was dangerous because just being there, he might somehow be drawn to start jamming them into his mouth. That’s what I think was dangerous about it. But my free speech lolsuit is not important enough to be covered. This is journalism today: blatent “it needs to be clickable.” Not even “is the story interesting to you at all?” You could be sued & shut down & are being shut down from joking on the internet as a journalist. This isn’t important to you?! That a company can just sue you into shutting you down? That’s not fucking important?
Sean: No, because it hasn’t happened to him.
Dick: No, because you don’t have enough followers.
Peach: Did he say that?
Dick: Yes! He said that!
Peach: On Twitter?
Dick: Yes! Specifically, “You don’t have enough followers.” You gotta be fucking shitting me! This is – out loud, you can say this as a journalist? Then his fucking brother joins in on the arguing, which is fun.
Sean: Sure. Take on a family.
Dick: Yeah. His brother jumps in there and says, “Oh, you know what? Also, you don’t even have enough followers, and your Patreon’s fake.”
Sean: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Dick: This shit again? I’ll tell you what…
Sean: (interjects) Why would you even pull that out of your – I can assure you that the Patreon is very, very real.
Dick: You know, I feel like a chick who has big natural cans, and she’s constantly getting told that they’re fake. Constantly.
Peach: Hello… Always.
Dick: I finally – I understand it.
Peach: Thank you.
Dick: It’s very aggravating.
Peach: It sure is.
Sean: Can you imagine the fucking gall it takes to – you have no idea what’s real and what’s not! Why the fuck do you even think you would know? Do you ever listen to yourself? What a fucking idiot!
Dick: So I’ve got a shortcut for this type of scenario, right? And I’m doing it more. I try to remember to do it more, because I’m tired of arguing. Because, first of all, arguing is not safe for women. I’m not allowed on the internet because I argue too much. I told CNN “nuke the bastards” about their fucking coverage of something, and that’s me trying to silence someone’s voice according to Twitter. CNN! Ah, that’s too funny, you’re gone buddy! We can’t have you going after CNN anyway.
Peach: So how long are you locked out?
Dick: 7 days. I’ll be out right before we get the motion to dismiss in front of a judge in New York, which I’ve got more on in a bit. So I says to the guy, Tim Pool’s brother, “Look, I don’t care why you think they’re fake. I don’t care what research you have. I don’t give a shit. I’ll bet you a month of the Patreon that they’re not.” There, end of story. And that’s when the dance began. That’s when the politician’s dance began, because every single fucking person has that in them, to just start weaseling around. “Oh, you know. How many are you saying aren’t fake?” Motherfucker, you said fake! Put your fucking money where your mouth is!
Sean: Right. Or shut the fuck up.
Dick: Or shut the fuck up! If it’s not yes, take the bet, if it’s no, I’m sorry. You know what? I’m so used to this estrogen soy-based world – I’m so used to having to communicate via sarcasm and run this weird PR campaign of civility – I’m so used to putting all my thoughts in the form of a memo, this Orwellian pussy-speak that everyone has adopted on the internet, because we’ve been trained to be afraid of confrontations, which we fucking shouldn’t be! I’m sorry I let that soak into my brain, and I forgot that there is actually a wrong or right to something, and it’s right fucking in front of you! The great equalizer! Oh yeah, you wanna bet? You wanna put some money on it, or are you just talking to hear yourself talk? And the answer wasn’t… These guys, constantly running their mouths without backing it up. You know what, maybe that betting shit – maybe that is some form of violence now.
Sean: Probably. Certainly an aggression.
Dick:Yeah, it’s aggressive. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I just wanted a phony lol all day, and bring up things that might be true. I asked a question. I phrased it in an inoffensive way, and here you go, trying to make it one or the other, because it’s you we’re talking about.” So aggravating to me. The mindset of the person who won’t take a bet, and doesn’t have the sense of self awareness to see that not taking a bet means more than just this conversation, it means something about you, the man.
Sean: And it doesn’t say, “Maybe I overstated that. Maybe I don’t really know.”
Dick: I dunno, sorry. I dunno, sorry. Fucking aggrevating. Anyway, we got a court date, right? I feel kinda weird talking about the court date. I was talking to Asterios about it, and he thought that we should have some kind of notice to not go to court or not fuck around in court, but you know, there’s so many people impersonating each other and doing shit for the lolz that it’s best not to try to get in front of the crazy, right?
Sean: Yeah, just deal with it.
Dick: I dunno. If guys showing up in giant penis costumes are gonna wreck the case for me, then I don’t know what to say.
Peach: Are you gonna have someone there who’s gonna draw what’s happening? Like, get call of the deep in there?
Dick: Do like a courtroom sketch? There will be a transcript.
Peach: Yeah, yeah. But should there be someone who’s drawing what’s happening?
Dick: I don’t wanna say there should be. I want it dismissed. That’s the whole point of everything is I want it thrown the fuck out. Not just for me, as it should be, but for Asterios as well, and I don’t want that fucked with. I would like a drawing of what’s… I would love to be a fly in the wall. I can’t wait to read the transcript. I’ll put it that way. Asterios and I are going in on the same day. I think it’s March 27th.
Sean: So you’re going to New York?
Dick: No. The attorneys go, and they orally argue the case for it to be dismissed or not. All the thousands of dollars of words…
Sean: Yeah, it’s culminating in this.
Dick: Is culminating in this, yes. The 200-300 pages, 50, 70, 100,000 dollars of legal research that have gone into this on both sides.
Sean: I’ll give you 10-1 Lowenbrau boots it in court. Barfs all over.
Dick: Yeah. It’s all coming down to this. An argument. A debate. It’s all coming down to the biggest – this is gonna be The Best Debate in the Universe. This courtroom case on the 27th. So, please don’t screw us over, that’s all I’m saying. But if you’re a bad guy, I know you will anyway. You can’t stop anybody, Sean. We’ve got – maybe Heather S. will show up. Maybe someone posing as Heather S. will show up. I dunno. I hope it’s a very straightforward affair, and there’s no fuckery. That’s all I’m saying.
Sean: Will there be a ruling on that date?
Dick: Yeah. It’s either getting dismissed, or it’s going forward. And if it goes forward, it is going to cost a billion fucking dollars, and it will never end. As I understand it, there’s – once it passes the motion to dismiss, if it doesn’t go my way, then it goes into discovery, and depositions, and people get brought in to talk about it. Yeah. I dunno. I don’t want to look past it. I don’t want to look past it in either direction, because it’s too fucking big. It’s too fucking big and it’s gotta get thrown out, and that’s it. It’s so big that I cannot imagine my state of mind if it goes through. I don’t – it will change my brain chemistry so much that I can’t even begin to hypothesize.
Sean: It will change mine so I can’t even imagine what it’ll od to you.
Dick: It’ll be fucked. So please, I hope it gets tossed out as it should.
Sean: I mean, it’s so fucking asinine. I can’t see it going any other way. You know what they say, “That’s why they play the games.”
Dick: Yeah. I’ll tell you what else makes me a rage this week. Upgrading – changing your credit card number. What a fucking pain in the ass. I left my credit card in Portland after paying for Kian’s 10 waffles that he didn’t eat at The Incan Bread.
Peach: Oh, why didn’t you just tell me? Because…
Dick: You were still there?
Peach: I was still there, and plus, I go to that café all the time. My best friend lives literally a block away.
Dick: Well, I left my credit card there, so I had to get a new one. Sean, the number of places – the number of places you have your credit card, it shocks me every time that I’ve gotta go through and update! One thing failing after the other. Just spend a whole day doing it. Well, I know what I’m doing all day: Updating my goddamn credit card numbers, because I’m stupid and left my credit card somewhere. Uber doesn’t work, wonder why that is. Fail, fail, fail.
Sean: Yeah, that’s a pain in the ass.
Dick: It’s a big pain in the ass. Have you ever heard of churning?
Dick: Yeah, you ever heard of that?
Sean: Only butter.
Dick: Okay, so it’s when you get new credit cards, they have offers of free frequent flyer miles. Like, if you spend the first x amount of money, you get like 50,000 free miles on the credit card. So, you get that card, and get the miles, and then you get another card, and you just – you get free flights. Like, 80’s girl and I got free flights to Hawaii last year. Free flights to me. I don’t want her to think of them as free flights.
Sean: It’s costing someone.
Dick: It’s not illegal, but it’s such a pain in the ass to go through and change all of your numbers everywhere, that people don’t do it. Goddamn nightmare. Alright Peach, what makes you a rage?
Peach: I just thought of it right now, but you know what makes me a rage is your spicy brown mustard.
Dick: Oh yeah?
Sean: Is that a euphemism?
Dick: Peach thinks she can drink more mustard than me.
Sean: Drink more mustard?
Peach: I know I can.
Dick: Peach’s thing is drinking mustard.
Sean: Didn’t know we were – it’s like a 19-year-old frat show now.
Dick: I dunno why this came up, but we were talking on Twitter, and Peach just asserted that she could drink more mustard than me.
Peach: That’s not what happened. You started it.
Dick: I started it?
Peach: You did.
Dick: I think I was minding my own business.
Peach: You never do.
Dick: What happened?
Peach: I can’t remember exactly. I was talking about chugging mustard, and you were like “(non-describable sound) You know I can chug more.”
Dick: I was like (non-describable sound)?
Peach: And I come in here just expecting just like – I open your fridge expecting Heinz, French’s. Normal yellow mustard, and all I see is a full, hardly used, spicy brown mustard, and it was revolting.
Sean: Like Gulden’s?
Dick: Yeah, what do you mean? What’s revolting about that?
Peach: It was gross. It doesn’t taste good. It’s spicy, and it’s not yellow.
Dick: You like the cheap shit mustard?
Peach: I like Heinz and French’s. Like an American.
Sean and Dick: Like kid’s yellow mustard?
Peach: No! I like the grainy mustard as well. That one’s good too. I just don’t like the brown spicy one. I don’t like it.
Dick: So you like normal yellow mustard. I’ll get some normal yellow mustard for you next time.
Peach: And I will defeat you. I will chug more than you.
Sean: Why would you do this?
Dick: Sean! You gotta put your money where your mouth is!
Sean: But how did this conversation even start?
Dick: I don’t remember. I would go on Twitter to try to find where it was, but I’ve been locked out.
Peach: What, in one go?
Dick: Yeah. How much mustard do you think you could drink.
Peach: You know those round yellow tubs?
Dick: Like a pint?
Peach: I’d say 2.
Dick: You could drink 2 pints of mustard?
Sean: That’s a quart of mustard.
Peach: It depends. Do I have access to water?
Peach: Because it gets gunky. Do you think I could do a quick rinse?
Dick: Do whatever you want. You just gotta drink it. You could drink 2 pints? In how long?
Peach: I know I can. I actually don’t know, but I absolutely 100% know that I can.
Dick: So wait, how are we gonna do this then?
Peach: I was wondering, we could either do it today, but it’s too late for that.
Dick: No, we’re doing it at Road Rage. I don’t wanna do this in my house.
Sean: What happens to you if you drink a quart of mustard?
Peach: If you do, from what I’ve looked up, the worst thing that’ll happen is that you’ll get a tummy ache because of the sodium. But I’m use to it, because all I eat is mustard and sodium.
Dick: All you eat is mustard and sodium?
Peach: Basically, yeah.
Peach: So, this is really weird and no one will believe me.
Dick: It’s already really weird.
Peach: I know. So, I have extremely low blood pressure. As I told you, I’ve been fainting a lot recently.
Dick: When you fell down…
Sean: Was that a partial faint?
Dick: Peach told me about that, but then I’m sitting on the computer upstairs, and she gets up to I dunno, go to the bathroom or something, and just falls over.
Peach: I’ve done it like 3 times already.
Dick: What the hell was that? Like, it was too weird for me to even be concerned about.
Peach: Yeah, you weren’t concerned at all.
Sean: Condiment intoxication.
Dick: I still kinda think you did it on purpose.
Peach: No, I didn’t do it on purpose.
Dick: What is going on with you?
Peach: I don’t know. I’m accident prone. I spill everything. As I said earlier, everything I touches turns to dust. If I’m near anything electronic, it doesn’t work.
Dick: But, Peach, you just tumbled. Like you just got the strings cut out of your legs.
Peach: Yeah, I crumple. I have a dissection in my, um…
Dick: So that makes your legs not work so good?
Peach: When I stand up, I feel the blood drain from my face, and sometimes I can catch myself a bit.
Dick: Every woman you meet has all of the medical problems. Every single woman. 10-zillion things wrong with her.
Peach: Well, anyway, my doctor actually tole me…
Sean: That’s how they make everything about themselves.
Dick: And that’s just their personality. Yeah! Exactly!
Peach: My doctor told me to eat sodium.
Dick: Your doctor told you to eat mustard?
Peach: Well, no. He’s like, “Do you crave salty foods?” I actually do, so he’s like, “Okay. I don’t normally tell people to do this, but eat as much salt as you want.” And I’m like, “Okay.” So I do. I eat a lot of chips, and I dip them in mustard.
Dick: I think you need a second opinion if your doctor’s telling you to eat chips and mustard.
Sean: You should go to the feed and tack store and just get a giant saltlick.
Peach: Dude, I wish. My doctor knows me, and he knows I eat really, really healthily, so he’s just like, “Increase your salt intake.” I dunno, maybe I do need a second opinion.
Dick: Well, I mean, you’re falling over, Peach. In the middle of the day. Get that looked at!
Peach: We hadn’t even had 1 drop to drink. It’s a bit of a nightmare.
Dick: So how are we doing this mustard thing? What are you drinking it out of?
Peach: We have a couple of options. We can just take whatever size of yellow tub filling that we want, and just go. I recommend that maybe we…
Sean: You say it like it’s gonna happen quickly.
Peach: Yes, of course.
Dick: It’s like a slime though. It goes slow. It’s like oil.
Peach: Yeah, that’s why I said we probably need a bottle of water to swish, because it’s probably gonna get gunky in there.
Sean: Sounds like you should just spoon-feed yourself it.
Dick: (Laughing) That seems worse somehow.
Peach: Yeah, I would do it. And maybe a spew bucket as well, just to be safe. Just for safety reasons.
Dick: Yeah, but how much mustard? What’s the time limit?
Peach: I dunno. That’s what I wanted to ask you. Do you want to do it fast, or most?
Sean: You said 2 pints.
Peach: I know I can do 2.
Dick: Yeah, but I don’t wanna max you out. You know, because then it gets less exciting as it approaches the max you can do. I think a pint of mustard is probably good.
Sean: Oh, yeah, I think so.
Peach: Do you wanna go for speed? A speed run?
Dick: I think whoever completes the pint of mustard first is the winner.
Sean: Yeah, you don’t want a 10 waffles scenario.
Dick: Exactly! Because it gets less exciting as you get into the 5th waffle halfway.
Peach: What does the winner get?
Dick: Well, you gotta write a song about the other person.
Peach: About how great the other person is.
Dick: A good song.
Peach: About that person.
Peach: No, no, no. I will not accept a song in which you berate me.
Dick: Peach! I don’t Welsh out of bets. I don’t find like weaselly words to get out of – I know what the spirit of the bet is, and I honor the spirit of bets. Don’t accuse me of trying to be a weasel. Okay?
Dick: So brown mustard makes you a rage?
Peach: Yes! It’s disgusting and awful, and it’s wrong. Honey mustard also.
Sean: Yeah, I agree with you. Honey mustard sucks.
Peach: Uhg, it’s awful.
Sean: It’s like – be spicy or savory, or don’t.
Dick: Yeah, and you know what? Sweetness, stay the hell out of the savory snacks. Don’t try to co-opt popular savory snacks and ruin them like you ruined kettle corn.
Sean: I’m with you.
Peach: Popcorn! You know how with popcorn, right? And then the caramel, right? And then they put it with the cheese ones, and then you pick it up. You’re watching TV, doing other things, whatever.
Dick: Jerking off. JO & popcorn, that’s my Tuesday nights.
Peach: And you get that caramel, that’s nice. And then there’s this salty cheese, and it’s savory, and it’s all kinds of wrong.
Sean: Wait. Cheese and caramel?
Dick: Yeah, they mix ‘em up.
Sean: That’s gross.
Dick: Dude. You remember how during Christmas, they would have those tri tins? They’re not separated anymore! They’re like, “Oh, well you know, everybody mows right through the cheese, so why don’t we dupe them into eating this shitty caramel popcorn by mixing ‘em up?”
Sean: It’s like how they used to package DVDs. You’d get the one you want, and then a shit one that they couldn’t get rid of.
Dick: They did that?
Sean: Yeah, they used to. They used to do these bonus ones. They’d charge like an extra 2 bucks to get rid of stock.
Dick: That’s like Netflix. You get your good stuff, but then you have to support fucking land-whale comedians too. You can’t, you know… Well, I don’t pay for Netflix, but if I did, you have to support everything.
Peach: Yeah, that’s the worst popcorn.
Dick: Oh, what else do I got here? Did you see that bridge that fell down? That was engineered by an all women bridge team?
Sean: IS that true?
Dick: Did you know that?
Dick: I think it’s true. I’ve read it a couple of places. A couple of the female lead – yeah. I think the bridge’s ex posted a picture of itself and its new girlfriend on Instagram, so that’s what made the bridge collapse. All female design team. Here’s a quote from one of the project execs. I don’t know if it is true.
Sean: I have not heard that.
Dick: It’s very – here’s a quote from one of the project executives. “It’s very important to me, as a woman and an engineer, to be able to promote that to my daughter, because I believe that women have a different perspective.” Like, it staying up isn’t the most important thing. “We’re able to put in an artistic touch, and we’re able to build too.” How about… How about we start enforcing this, and start realizing that when you have to put, “as a ___” on something, you’re a fucking idiot, and that it is offensive to people who are just the thing that you’re supposed to be doing. Just do that. It’s not “as an engineer and as a woman,” it’s just an engineer. And if you think that the woman part adds a bit of – anything extra to it, then you fundamentally don’t understand what you were…
Sean: (interjects) It detracts.
Dick: Yeah, it detracts. Everything that is not the engineer part, or whatever other job or function that it’s supposed to be is what you’re supposed to be.
Sean: Yeah, it’s mitigating the thing.
Dick: The judge, the engineer, the politician, the doctor, the cop. It’s not “As this, and as a ___, and as a woman.” No.
Sean: It’s like a musician buddy of mine. He always says he hates it when people go, “oh, yeah. Well, you know, he’s self-taught.” He’s like, “Who gives a shit? Is he good or not? Can he play, or can he not?” “Well, he’s not as good as – but he’s totally self-taught.” “Well, so what? If you want to be in the big leagues, you’re good or you’re not. I don’t care how you got there.
Dick: The method of your mediocrity is not important in this instance. You’re either great at this or you’re not. You’re either an engineer, or you’re not. It’s either a fucking bridge, or it’s a deathtrap.
Sean: This goes back to, “There are right answers to things.
Sean: I dunno about everything, but things like that, certainly.
Dick: Some things have a right answer.
Sean: A lot of things have a right answer.
Dick: And this thing definitely does. Peach, you ever say, “As a streamer and as a woman?”
Peach: Oh, god no. Absolutely not.
Dick: You know, your Twitch streams are crazy, because they are completely non-sexual, which is so weird. After I’ve been watching a lot of Twitch – like, I watched this chick on Twitch last night or two nights ago, whenever that was, just painting her tits. Sean! Just painting her tits like comic book characters. I was a huge My Free Cams fan back in the day, when I would get tossed, come home, and watch eastern European girls strip on camera and talk awkwardly to a bunch of chattewrs for a couple cents a night. You know?
Sean: Right. I remember you talking about this a few years ago.
Dick: My Free Cams. That was the hot ticket.
Sean: You’d ask them weird questions, and you’d get like the puppy dog ear cock.
Dick: I really love your nose. “Eh, that’s awkward. That’s a bit odd.” I swear to god, I’m watching it again! I’m watching this woman painting herself! She’s just sitting there with a camera pointed directly down at her tits, painting a stick over and over and over.
Sean: On her tits?
Dick: No, just painting a stick. And then the rest of her stream is just her painting her body. Amazing art work, but still, this is what I’m watching! And Peach still somehow competes with that without any overhead camera straight down the tits shot.
Peach: I make a point. Like, I think this might even be too sexy for my streams. I usually wear very baggy shirt, baggy… pants, like… Sometimes no makeup, because I always wanted it to be like, okay, if people are going to watch me, I never want them to say, “She only gets views because of her tits, nyeh!” I want it to be because…
Dick: What if they had a smarter sounding voice when they said that though? Like a British guy.
Peach: “Oi! I only watch ‘er fir ‘er tits, mate!”
Dick: You don’t want people to say that. As a woman, you don’t want people…
Peach: No, as a person. I just want people to like whatever I’m doing, I hope.
Dick: Fucking engineer. As a woman and an engineer. Why is that part?... Why the hell is that so important? Have you ever felt and way about what you were doing, that your identity had to be apart of it? Like, “Well, as a straight man and an audio engineer, I really enjoy plugging the male connectors into the back of the consoles so hard that the console almost breaks.” You know? “As a man, and an engineer, my favorite part is hammering the quarter-inch plugs into the console.” Fucking dumb. I’m gonna play a song for ya… Let me find it… Then I’m gonna get Brad to call in… I do think the NRA needs a big revamp of what they’re doing.
Sean: A lot of those organizations could use some PR tune ups.
Dick: Yeah, just like, more funny stuff. More embracing the absurdity of the tropes. Like, the kids were going nuts for that Eddy the Eagle thing. But I did get the mockery hate for that stupid snek flag. Thought it would be cool, fun. A dickhead gave it to me in Philly. Mix it up a little bit. It is a mockery, so what? It’s good. Getting mocked from millions of different people every day.
Sean: Yeah. Who spend a lot of time coming up with pretty funny ways to mock.
Dick: Yeah. You gotta get out in front of it before them. You gotta be making the “guns are overcompensating for small dicks” joke first. Not defending it. And definitely not not responding to it. This is Keep Suing by Wheezer… By Panic Hippy.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: Do you know the original song of this?
Dick: You do?
Dick: Alright, alright, alright. Thank you, Panic Hippy.
(Dick ends the song)
Dick: I got one from Sriracha, excuse me. Wanna hear it? My First Sanctions.
Sean: Uh, yeah.
Dick: Okay, here we go. She’s very funny.
(Dick starts the bit)
(The bit ends)
Dick: God, that was crazy. The new lolsuit shit. When did that come out? It came out this week, right?
Sean: Early in the week, yeah. I wanna say Tuesday or Wednesday maybe.
Dick: Yeah. So, Maddox admitted to being Heather S. last week, right? And then, because it’s perjury and also a crime, but the perjury is important in court…
Sean: Yes… Because it impacts that particular case.
Dick: Yeah. And what I’m learning about lawyers is that they are compelled to report crimes. Inaccuracies and factual misrepresentations that they know to be true. Like, if their client says “I’m lying,” they have to tell the court, because they’re all – it’s not a game. It’s not…
Sean: It’s not supposed to be.
Dick: No. They’re supposed to be pursuing justice, right? That’s why they’re enabled by the bar to do these things.
Sean: Yeah, it’s not a guy gets a defense in spite of whatever. Everybody’s entitled to a defense, but…
Dick: But if you did it, and they know they have to say…
Sean: Which is why I think most of them don’t ask.
Dick: Exactly. So Asterios’s lawyer, who’s very funny. Asterios’s lawyer wrote Maddox’s lawyer wrote A) Your guy just confessed to committing perjury among other criminal things, and you owe it to the court. Just to make you aware of the ethical obligations that you have to the court, you have to repot it. You have to remedy this situation. I dunno, they use their big lawyer words. You have to remedy the situation by telling the court, and we’ll give you 5 days to do this.
Sean: Yeah. So you can try to bring it in for a nice soft landing.
Dick: Yeah. Like, think it over, have a little bit to think, have a couple glasses of thinking juice.
Sean: Yeah, Turkey Goblin.
Dick: Polish that sapphire. Shine that moon. Or we will. Or we’ll tell the judge because it’s a crime. It makes the case a huge lie.
Sean: The judge is getting told. We’re just, out of a professional courtesy, let you do it.
Dick: Because we don’t want you to have violated the ethical standards, because then that’s grounds for disbarment or malpractice. This is the polite way of letting you know there is a fuckup, and it’s gotta be fixed!
Sean: Yeah. An interlock is going on your career.
Dick: So, Maddox’s lawyer responds, like, flips out.
Sean: Like a drunk.
Dick: Flips out. His response was – I hate to say people are triggered…
Sean: I’ve written things drunk. I know – we know what that looks like. I’m just speculating, but that’s…
Dick: Like, that’s the email you write and then delete. This is way over the line. It’s like, “You’re out of order.” It’s like a drama. Weber Shandwick and Greenberger both wrote him saying, “Yeah, Maddox committed perjury and a crime, you have 5 days to let the judge know.” And Landau responds with this outrageous email back to them, lashing out, and he says, “You’ve got 24 hours to re-cant this email.” Like, what the fuck does that mean?
Sean: And give me money!
Dick: Re-cant an email? What the hell are you talking about, dude? Or he’s going to go to the judge and file sanctions, because he’s been threatened. Like, bro, you’re not threatened, they just said what they intend to do…
Sean: It’s incredible that Maddox found somebody exactly like him.
Dick: It is incredible.
Sean: But it’s really not incredible, because this is what these people do.
Dick: IU was on Twitch when I got that email that said this was gonna be a bloodbath. I didn’t know it was going to be submitted – I didn’t know he was going to go to court within 12 hours and file this motion for – it’s just fucking – it’s absolutely incredible. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s just like the temporary restraining order thing. The most extreme reaction possible. When this is all over, I think Maddox and his lawyer are gonna have a long fight. And you know what? Nick said that he found instances of Maddox’s lawyer suing his clients afterwards for fees, so this lolsuit might get a lot funnier. It’s gonna turn into like a thunder dome of assholes.
Sean: The type of clients he attracts are probably like, “Hey, fuck you! I’m not paying you.”
Dick: I’m not paying you, because you made me admit a crime. Like, some of the details that came out afterwards that affidavit that Maddox signed happened the day that the response was due. And then that triggered email that Landau sent back where he’s freaking out, it happened immediately after Greenberger’s first letter to him. So, It seems like either he got Maddox on the phone immediately, or maybe he didn’t even review with his client.
Peach: Because it was the same day.,
Dick: It was the same day. Very angry. The email reads as very angry. Hell of a development too. Let me see if I got Brad from Phone Losers. Hey Brad, you there man?
Brad: Hey Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy, how you doing?
Bread: Pretty good. Hey Sean, hey Peach.
Dick: It’s been a long time. It’s been a long time since we’ve heard anything from you.
Brad: Yeah, yeah. Been laying low for a while.
Dick: Yeah, you sent in – Brad sent in dome prank calls for us. How should I set these up man? You were calling people up to inform them that they were getting sued, right?
Brad: Yeah. Just kind of, you know, being a Maddox and telling people I’m going to sue them for ridiculous things.
Dick: All the people who got left out of the lawsuit, they’re also getting - you know, because everybody related to me, MadCucks, Asterios, and everyone’s employers and friends, they all got thrown in. Maddox missed a couple I think is the point.
Brad: He missed a lot.
Dick: Yeah, he missed a lot, so here’s some of those people who are related to me getting…
Brad: I’m just helping out.
Dick: Yeah, he’s helping out.
(Dick plays the prank call)
Brad: Hey there, is this the liquor store?
Some Dude: Yes.
Brad: Are you the owner of the liquor store?
Some Dude: Yes, who is this?
Brad: My name is Mr. LanDUI (pronounced Land-wee.) I’m LanDUI and associates, attorney at law, and I’m in New York City. I need a – you know, we’re probably going to be suing you soon, because you’ve been selling Dick Masterson liquor.
Some Dude: You said what?
Brad: You’ve been selling Dick Masterson liquor, and he drinks this liquor during his livestreams where he harasses my client.
Some Dude: I sell somebody liquor. I sell liquor to everybody who’s old enough.
Brad: I know, but you shouldn’t be selling it to someone who’s harassing my client. You know he’s harassing Maddox?
Some Dude: I don’t understand, what are you talking about buddy?
Brad: We’re gonna be…
Some Dude: How do I know somebody is like that, who I am not supposed to sell? Did somebody give me any notice not to sell to this guy?
Brad: Maybe you should talk to your customers a little bit and find out what they’re doing with their liquor.
Some Dude: What do I care what they’re doing? They drink with the liquor.
Brad: Yeah. He’s giving it to all these people on his show during the livestream, and they’re all getting liquored up and harassing my client, so I’m dragging your ass to New York City, motherfucker.
Some Dude: Who gives a fuck what you wanna do, man? Don’t scare me like that.
Brad: I will. You’re gonna get served.
Some Dude: You’re not gonna scare me like that.
Brad: I’m not trying to scare you.
Some Dude: I’ve got my own attorney. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. Go do what you want to do.
Brad: Stop being involved in this harassment campaign.
Some Dude: If you send me a legal letter…
Brad: You may as well be doing the harassment yourself…
(The dude hangs up.)
Sean: He wasn’t having it.
Dick: Here’s the electric company.
(Dick plays the call)
Some Kinda Automated POS: Thank you for calling Southern California…
Sean: (interjects) Tell me he argues with her.
Some Dude: Thank you for calling SCE, how may I help you?
Brad: Hello there, this is Mr. LanDUI. I’m with LanDUI and associates in New York, attorneys at law. I’m an attorney. I’m pretty good, I just need to shut off power for someone that lives in Los Angeles.
Some Dude: Do you have the customer account number or the address?
Brad: I just have the address. I wouldn’t know the account number. It’s 7*** south **** Avenue.
Some Dude: Can you verify the name on the account?
Brad: Well, his name’s Dick Masterson. It’s probably under his maid’s name, Consuela. Probably, I would assume. He’s kind of a shady character.
Some Dude: It’s showing me that there’s a different name on the account.
Some Dude: N-hm.
Brad: Well, shoot.
Some Dude: No Consuela or Dickerson.
Brad: We just need to get that power shut off, because he’s running a podcast out of that house, and on this podcast, he is harassing my client, and we can’t have that. We’re gonna shut off the power, and then no more podcast. Problem solved, right?
Some Dude: Just give me one moment, okay?
Brad: Okay. Where you going, what are you doing?
Some Dude: It’s showing up as a completely different name on the account. Is there any other way we can verify the name of this person?
Brad: Can we just do it without verification, because otherwise, you know what? You’re gonna be interfering with the law and stuff here. We’re gonna name you in the lawsuit. You personally.
Sean: (laughing) The law and stuff!
Some Dude: I don’t want to turn off the incorrect services for the incorrect person.
Brad: Well, it’s probably them. We’ll just find out. Like, cut it off, and then come Sunday, we’ll see if they’re able to broadcast.
Some Dude: Unfortunately, we cannot do that because of our policy sir. We need to make sure we have the correct person. Give me a moment to see if I can find this person, okay?
Brad: We just want to shut down their podcast. We’re already suing Edison, we don’t want to have to sue you too.
Some Dude: I understand sir. I’m just saying that I don’t want to lose my job because I’m cutting off the wrong services for the wrong person.
Brad: Yeah, but, better to lose your job than to be named in this lawsuit…
Some Dude: I better not lose my job because I’ve got bills to pay.
Brad: … because you’ll have thousands of dollars to pay in defending yourself in New York court. We’re gonna drag your ass to New York if you don’t shut this off.
Some Dude: Alright, that’s fine, but I’m still not gonna risk losing my job. Just give me a few moments to see what I can find out for you.
Brad: Okay, fine.
Some Dude: Alright, do you know the primary phone number on this person’s account?
Brad: Nah, we don’t know any of that. It’s probably under Consuela’s phone number, we don’t have her. She’s just the maid. We just want to make it go dark. Like, preferably, if you could make it go dark in their house on Sunday morning so they have little time to fix this, but we don’t ever want power at that address again, as long as Dick and his maid is living there.
Some Dude: I’m not gonna be able to turn off the power until I’m sure this is the correct person.
Brad: Okay then. Prepare to be served with the lawsuit. May I get your full name please, for the lawsuit? I need to type this in.
Some Dude: For security purposes, I’m not allowed to give you my last name, just my first name.
Brad: No, it’s okay, I’m a lawyer. What’s your first name?
Some Dude: My first name is Aestrid.
Some Dude: It’s A-e-s, t as in Tom, r-i-d.
Brad: And a home address. We need an address where we can serve you at.
Some Dude: No, I’m not gonna give you my address.
Brad: Okay. We’re gonna call up Edison, and get them…
(Dick ends the call)
Dick: Okay man, so what – you are involved in a lolsuit of your own, right?
Brad: Yeah. By the way, I called the power company – that was the second call I did. The first one actually was gonna shut down the person’s address that I game them. I gave them the real name, and they were like, “okay, we’ll do this Monday morning.” Like, what are you doing, stop it. I’m a prank caller….
(Awkward cut in the audio. Sean probably deleted this bit)
Brad: (Re-calling) Hey Dick.
Dick: Hey, there we go. Brad from Phone Losers on the line.
Brad: Hope I don’t hijack your show with my crappy audio.
Dick: Don’t worry about it. You know, it fucks up on everybody.
Sean: We’ve done a few dozen episodes like this.
Dick: Yeah. We accidentally uploaded one with all the audio fuckups. People were pissed. Okay, so you got hit with what exactly? You are a famous prank caller, and you got hauled into court over what?
Brad: Yeah. It wasn’t a lawsuit so much as more like a FBI raid.
Dick: (gasp) Okay.
Sean: That’s not good.
Brad: So, I get phone numbers submitted to me by listeners. You know, they’ll send me lists of phone numbers, and sometimes they’ll send me something I need to log into to get the list of phone numbers, and somebody sent me a database for grocery store complainers. You know, the suggestion box type thing?
Dick: Okay. So people who complain about the grocery store, like the local Vaughn’s or whatever? Somebody sent you a list of all these people?
Sean: If there’s a group not to play a joke on, it’s them.
Brad: Yeah. It’s like a complaint database for like Safeway, Albertson, and a bunch of others. And I logged into it, I thought it was his. I thought he was an employee there, but I guess he hacked into it or something. We don’t know for sure still. But I dunno, like 4 or 5 months later, the FBI shows up, like 6-8 FBI agents. They just take over the house and send me away and take all my computers and my phones…
Dick: When did they show up? What time of day?
Brad: 8 in the morning. Seemed like it was late in the day. Usually they do those at 5 or 6 in the morning.
Dick: What were you doing?
Brad: I was in bed. I was sick that day. I had a really terrible flu.
Dick: So the FBI shows up and takes everything electronic in your house?
Brad: Well, you know, everything that could store data. They didn’t take my TVs or anything, but they took all the computers.
Dick: How many of them were there?
Sean: They said like 6 or something.
Brad: Yeah, like 6 probably. 5 or 6 computers. My tablet, my cell phone.
Sean: And what did they say to you?
Brad: They tell me why they’re there. Well, they took me into the black SUV and questioned me. They’re like, “Do you know why we’ve come here?” And he’s like, “Why do you think?” And I’m like, “I’m not gonna guess, can you just tell me?” You know, trying to get me to admit to other things. Yeah, they just questioned me for a little bit. They were really nice about the whole thing, and I took off.
Dick: But you didn’t get any of your shit back.
Sean: Did they give you back your stuff?
Dick: So you left, and came back to your house, and everything was gone?
Brad: Yeah, yeah. They told me they were gonna take it all. I did get it back eventually, maybe 6 months later. They had me come by and pick it up from them.
Dick: Did they tell you what they were there for when they’re there sitting with you in the SUV?
Brad: Yeah. I wouldn’t guess, and they just explained to me what the whole thing was about, and I’m like, “oh, yeah. I did that. It’s all in my computers anyway. May as well.” But yeah, I’ve been to court and everything. It lasted maybe a little bit over a year. I could have gotten 8 months in jail, but luckily I got 8 months of home detention.
Dick: Do you have a little ankle bracelet on?
Brad: No. The judge said that I should have an ankle bracelet on, but I guess my probation officer decided that I didn’t need to do that. I’m doing this weird phone check-in thing where I just call a number a few times a day.
Sean: Because he’s probably seen real criminals.
Dick: They got the prank phone caller call in to say that he’s still home. So what, did you get arrested? Like, did they take you to jail after they took all your stuff?
Brad: No. They just let me go. They questioned me for maybe an hour, and then they just let me take off.
Dick: Who did this to you? Who sent you this list first of all? Were they just trying to help out?
Brad: I don’t even know. Some guy who’s just a fan of the show. I don’t really blame him. He didn’t say he was an employee, I just assumed that he was. I don’t think they ever figured out who he was, and I didn’t know who he was. I’m glad he didn’t tell me, because I would have felt like a dick if he got arrested over my show.
Dick: Who ratted you out? Who would call this crime – I guess Safeway would be pissed that their stuff got hacked.
Brad: Yeah. Well, I was calling up customers at Safeway, and someone complains that the Starbucks kiosk is in the back now, and I called ‘em up like, “We saw you on the security cameras, it looks like you could do with a little bit more walking.” So, all their customers got really ticked off, and they just figured they’ve been hacked.
Dick: How many did you call?
Brad: I dunno, I got 2 shows out of it, and I think one of the shows was 4 hours long, so…
Dick: (Laughing) That’s a lot of calls.
Sean: He did a little bit.
Brad: Luckily, they’re really funny shows. They were fun, so it wasn’t for nothing I guess.
Dick: Yeah. That’s what happened, you had too much fun. That is – because the customer complaints… My dad owned some McDonalds’s when we were teenagers. He didn’t start doing them He did that for, I dunno, 20 years. Anyway, he did that when I was younger, and the people who would call in to complain about, like, - It’s the same people that call 911 to say that they didn’t get the right order. The complaints – the toilets are the wrong color. They’re too beige.
Brad: Yeah, the complaints were stupid.
Sean: Makes you wonder how these people survive to adulthood. This is a put-on, right? It can’t be real.
Dick: The Starbucks thing is at the front of the store instead of the back. Or at the back of the store instead of the front. Like, what the fuck do you have not going on in your day that this drove you to action? As hard as it is to make anybody do something… What were some of the best complaints there?
Brad: It’s been so long I can barely remember. I can remember that some guy was complaining they didn’t carry a certain kind of food, and I told him we keep that in a different part of the store, and people like him aren’t allowed. And there’s a lot of “Your cashier didn’t make enough small talk with me” or something like that. I forget what I said to them. It’s been a while since I listened to any of it. The FBI, they gave me my stuff back, you know? They accidentally gave me Safeway’s hard drive also.
Sean: Sounds about right.
Dick: So they gave you the very thing that…
Brad: Yeah. I could have done another whole show out of it. I think it’s the same hard drive – it probably had all of the complaints in it.
Dick: That’s great. Did you give it back?
Brad: Oh, yeah. I called my lawyer, we laughed about it. They sent a local police officer from my city over to collect it.
Dick: What did the judge say? Did you have to go to court and say that you did all these – and hear a transcript of your greatest hits?
Brad: It didn’t go to trial or anything. I pretty much admitted it, because I couldn’t afford to go to trial. It would have been like $20,000. It would have been like what you’re having to deal with.
Dick: Yeah, it’s expensive.
Brad: But yeah. I’m paying $18,000 in restitution, and I have 5 years of probation.
Dick: Did you have to call everybody and apologize for the jokes that you made?
Brad: No, nothing like that. They didn’t make me take anything off of YouTube. I would have if they asked me to.
Dick: Oh, that’s great. So we can hear the Safeway calls still on your website, or YouTube or whatever?
Brad: Yeah. Search for Phone Losers Trick Ass Ho. I think there’s a couple different videos of it. Because I called one of the customers a trick ass ho, and she doesn’t like that.
Dick: I can’t believe this is what the FBI is doing. I mean, it’s funny.
Brad: That’s the first time I’ve been in serious trouble over it. Like, you know, I’ve got the Patreon and everything. Basically, I’m doing prank calls now to pay for all the restitution.
Dick: Oh god, 18 grand you said?
Brad: Yeah. 18.
Sean: Gotta make a criminal continue to participate in his own criminal activities to pay for it.
Dick: Straight back into his life of crime!
Brad: They forced me into it. It’s like when your dad is forcing you to smoke all the cigars, you know? Now I’m just doing prank calls to pay off my fees.
Dick: You like making prank calls, huh? Well now you’re prank calling for the state to pay off your tab.
Sean: My uncle did that to my cousin I guess, when he caught her smoking. And one of those things, I guess, where you’re gonna smoke the entire pack of cigarettes. Like, he had to stop her at 10.
Sean: Because nothing was happening. She was like, “Yeah, fuck you.” Just fucking sucking ‘em down one after the other.
Peach: Not breaking eye contact or anything, just…
Brad: I bet he’d feel shitty if she got lung cancer from that.
Dick: You should call him as her doctor. Say she got lung cancer from smoking 10 cigarettes, it looks like it was 20 years ago, according to the cancer.
Brad: We got her computer here. She smoked about 10…
Dick: Yeah. You got any big prank calls coming up?
Brad: Not really. I just go day by day. People just send me a lot of stuff into the show, and I just do whatever they tell me to do. It’s a lot of fun.
Dick: Somebody told me I should ask you about the Jon Benet Ramsey story.
Brad: It’s just some weird thing that happened 10 years ago. Some guys just completely convinced I was involved in the Jon Benet Ramsey murder. He put a 30-video series up on YouTube and detailed all the evidence. Weirdest thing, I dunno.
Dick: So you didn’t do it, right?
Brad: I’m not allowed to say publicly. Maybe ask me in private, we’ll talk.
Sean: We’ll call a Safeway.
Dick: Alright man, what makes you a rage?
Brad: Dogs in grocery stores. That kinda pisses me off. I dunno why, but it… You know, people bring their dogs in grocery stores. We saw some guy sniffing the – having his dog sniff the lettuce and stuff.
Dick: When that dog got killed in the airplane, because in the overhead, there was that part of me that was like, “You know what? Fuck you. You’re one of those idiots that always has to carry their dog.” Like, the people that think they’re clever and put the therapy vest on their dog or whatever and somehow think they’re tricking the system, no, you’re just being an asshole. Why don’t you just pretend to be retarded, and just reap all the benefits of the compassion that we give people who are actually traumatized, and who actually need this. You’re just an asshole. We all know what you’re doing. You’re not clever.
Sean: She’s gonna get a lot of money too, because the flight attendant – United was like, “No. We never tell them to do that.”
Dick: Yeah, they were both bad guys to me. Dogs in restaurants.
Sean: Oh, it pisses me off – under the guise you’re fooling people, like you said. It drives me fucking crazy.
Brad: I was in a GameStop, some girl walked up with her dog, had a vest on it that said, “service dog.” It jumped up on me and wanted to be pet.
Dick: Just kick it. Take a running start, call your shot, point deep into the outfield, and kick it through some goal posts.
Sean: I have an emotional support chameleon. It needs to go everywhere with me. You know, the guy brings a duck on a plane. There’s a peacock.
Dick: In grocery stores it’s really disgusting, because you’re there to get in and out as quickly as possible. Like, at least at a restaurant you can sit and enjoy yourself, enjoy the company of your pet. But bringing it to a store – it’s like those little kid karts that they have.
Sean: I know, we yelled about this the other week.
Dick: Yeah. Stop making this more complicated than it is. It needs to be efficient, and you’re fucking it up for everybody with your stupid dog. Alright, thanks Brad, I love your stuff. PhoneLosers.org?
Brad: Yeah, phonelosers.org. 2 shows a week.
Peach: Wait, are you still asking people how they jerk off?
Dick: Oh yeah. Are you a wrong-hander or a right hander?
Brad: I don’t know the argument there. I guess I’m a right hander.
Sean: What’s your dominant hand?
Dick: What’s your dominant hand? Do you jerk off with your dominant hand?
Brad: That would be my right hand.
Dick: Okay, so you’re a… Somebody told me that it matters which way your Dick naturally goes. He said, “Next time you get a hard on, lay down and see which way it goes. That’s probably the way you jerk off.
Peach: What about for women?
Brad: I’m trying it right now, you seem to be correct.
Dick: Yeah, maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s the secret. Alright Brad, get outta here. See ya.
Brad: Bye Dick.
Sean: Goddamn man, raided by the FBI. That’ll – you suffer from low blood pressure in the morning, that’ll fix it.
Dick: Yeah, how terrifying.
Sean: Yeah, your mind’s gotta be going a million miles an hour, like, what the fuck did I do?
Dick: And you’ve got to find a computer fast so you can log in and start deleting emails. Right? Like, even if they’re not bad, I don’t want some person at the FBI looking at them and laughing at my shit.
Sean: Because they’re just people who will sit there and laugh.
Dick: Yeah. It’s just a job. They’re not judge Dredd. Just like a guy who works at a different place than you. Alright, let me see what else we got here. Myroom Records is here. Let me see if I get another song. This one’s sent in by Cuck It? No, this is Rage Son and the Yeah Yeahs. Maddox Lost.
(Dick starts the song)
“Dick. His face is such a disgrace”
Dick: Oh, fuck you man. That’s the best I could do.
(The song ends)
Dick: How about an erotic story? Haven’t heard one of those in a while. Then we’ll talk to Myroom Records.
(Erotic story riff)
Dick: Ah man. You know he’s homeless now? Harmful Opinions.
Peach: What? What’s the deal with that?
Dick: He released a video about that. From what I can tell, his mom kicked him out of the house.
Peach: For what?
Dick: I dunno. Something about how the stress of him being hated and attacked by the internet.
Sean: Was he livestreaming his adventures?
Dick: He’s still livestreaming, but now – I dunno his situation. It was a really sad video though.
Sean: Jesus. How old is he?
Dick: I think he’s probably a little older than us.
Sean: Really? I have no idea.
Dick: He seems about our age. It’s a sad video, watching him describe getting kicked out of his house. And people are kinda picking on him, telling him to get a job and stuff. I mean, he does have autism.
Sean: Yeah. I mean, I dunno to what extent it impacts his life.
Dick: It sounded like he was on some kind of disability. I duinno. I hope things get better for him though. Alright, this one is from Phil G.
“Hey Dick, My name’s Phil G, and I’ve got a doozy of an erotic story for you. This was a few years ago. I was at some Podunk town in central California visiting an old friend. We went to a shitty bar because there was nothing better to do. It was more of a sausage fest than a German celebration.”
Dick: A lot of guys. There is a lot of guys yesterday at St. Patrick’s Day.
Peach: Yeah, they’re everywhere.
Dick: The only two hot girls at the bar were with us.
Dick: There you go.
“My buddy and I got some drinks and sat down at a table.”
Dick: Is there an app that will tell you the ratio of men to women at a bar? That is a fucking great idea. Like, google will tell you when places are busy based on people searching for them, I think. Like with a local business. But when there is a way – just for a – like guys can hivemind it.
Peach: Would it be like a ratio of eggplant to peaches or cat faces or tacos?
Dick: Yeah. You just get to the bar, like, “Eh, sausage festival. Eggplant. Fuck that place.” Because, even if you’re not looking to get laid, it changes the vibe. If there’s one too many guy at a bar, it feels like a steel mill town where everybody just got laid off. It just feels fucking depressing. Guys are so angry. You know how every once in a while, a woman rider will try to live as a man and describe her experience? And they all say the same thing. “Yeah, it’s the most fucking depressing existence ever. I had to go to therapy afterwards.” This woman did it recently, she lived life as a man, and her face – the face that she’s making after her transition as a man – the depression and loneliness in her face is like the thousand-yard stare. Yeah, that’s what it feels like. If you get too many of that in the same room, too many guys just holding their beer, flicking at the label because they’re sexually repressed and staring into oblivion. It’s infectious.
Peach: Was she transitioning gender?
Dick: No, she was just doing it as an experiment. Anyway,
“After a few minutes of drinking and shooting the shit, in walked the farmer’s daughter. Her tight daisy dukes showed off legs as smooth and as sculpted as a Greek column, and her white tank top showed off a can situation that, if Wolfe Blitzer ever wrote a porno, it would be called “The Cans Situation Room,” and it would star this girl.”
Sean: That’s a high brow joke there.
“She boasted a waterfall of blonde hair. Donald Trump would date this girl, but because she’s not his daughter. She walked by our table and sat her luscious ass down at the bar and ordered a drink. I figured she was out of ear shot, so I turned to my buddy and saw him – “
Dick: Is it Ogling or Oogling?
Peach: How many O’s are there?
“… I saw him ogling her just as hard. We both knew we didn’t have a chance with her, so we ordered more drinks…”
Sean: Until one of us did!
“…until one of us could conveniently forget that knowledge. After several minutes, no one had approached this female Adonis.”
Dick: That’s a bit weird.
Peach: Wouldn’t you just say Venus? Aphrodite?
“At this point, I figured I could get somewhere just by being the only guy there bold enough to talk to her.”
Dick: Of course you can.
“So I moseyed on over, sat down next to her, and said, “Hey, I like your boots.” They were a really nice looking pair of boots. She finished off her drink, looked at me, and said, “Thanks, they’re genuine leather.” “Cool,” I said. Then she gets in close to me and says, “Hey, you know, I came in here willing to hook up with the first decent looking guy to talk to me. You wanna get outta here?”
Peach: Oh, this is bullshit! There’s no way.
Dick: Why? You’ve never thought that in your life? Gone to a bar and thought, “I’m gonna hook up with the first guy that talks to me.”
Peach: Of course not.
Dick: Wow! What about you Sean? You ever walk into a bar with that in mind?
Sean: I don’t think so.
“I tried to hide my shock and play it cool, so I said, “You’re lucky I’m the first guy to talk to you then. You’re gonna have a great night.” She laughed in a good way. I could tell I was in. She then said to me, “I live in a farm a few miles out. My parents raise ducks there, and they’re on vacation in Hawaii now.” I agreed because she was hot and I wanted to bang her.”
Dick: That’s a good reason to do anything.
Sean: On a pile of ducks. It’s always been my fantasy!
Dick: See, that’s how you know it’s real.
Sean: Because he puts in really weird things like that.
Dick: Yeah. Then she says that. If some chick says something really weird one way, there’s another thing really weird the other way.
Peach: Why is that weird? Why is it weird to have a duck farm? That’s fine.
Sean: Because people don’t think about farming ducks.
Dick: IT’s because she wants to go fuck at the duck farm.
Peach: Where else are you supposed to fuck?
Sean: This whole thing is ending in a bad pun punchline, I know it.
Dick: I hope not. I’m gonna cut it all out if it ends in a joke.
“I glanced over at my buddy, and he gave me a nod. We got into her car and drove up a dirt road. I was genuinely appalled by her farmhouse. I was expecting a ramshackle affair – a ramshackle building with animal shit all over the place, and a dilapidated barn with half of it’s roof missing. Instead, I was treated to a beautiful house and a brand new barn with a fully intact roof.”
Dick: I don’t think he’s using appalled correctly.
“She led me into her house. She walked over to a liquor cabinet and bent over to reach a bottle of some expensive looking whiskey. She took a shot of it. Then she walked over to me with a shot glass in her hand, poured another show, drained the glass, and kissed me. I drank the whiskey out of her mouth, and grabbed her, and we started making out. I smacked her ass. She jumped off of me. I thought she was gonna tell me to leave. I panicked a bit, but then she’s asked me if I’ve ever fucked in a barn before.”
Sean: What’s the buddy doing right now?
Dick: Good question. He’s fucking another chick at a pig farm.
“I hadn’t. We walked out to the barn. I put my hand down her pants a bit to test the waters, and she grabbed my hand and pushed it down further. By this point I had kind of a boner. I had the kinda boner that a high school kid would desperately try to hide from his classmates, but I made no attempt to hide it.”
Dick: You let the boner do your talking.
“We walked into the barn and things got hot and heavy. She was louder than a jackhammer when I started jackhammering her. That’s when I found out that this is the barn where they had the ducks in, because some of them started making noise. I stopped what I was doing and got a bit freaked out. She told me to keep going, but I said, “What about the sucks? This is weird.” “I can’t get off without the ducks,” she said. “My first time was in here, and I can’t do it anywhere else.” I still had reservations because the last thing I wanted was to get attacked by a duck mid coitus. “What if the ducks attack us,” I said.”
Sean: Those mallards will rape ya!
“” Don’t worry,” she said. “Most of the ducks don’t even care. A few get angry, but they’re fenced off anyway. And to be perfectly honest, I like the idea of having some mad-dux watching me have sex with a guy.””
“Then she pushed me down, and did her best impression of a vacuum cleaner.”
Dick: Which way is that? She pushed him down? Oh, and then she must have gone down on him. Okay.
“I wasn’t comfortable with mad-dux watching me do this.”
Dick: Oh, goddamn it. Maddox. Yeah, okay. This is a joke.
“Mad-dux watching me do this, but I still finish the deed because, in retrospect, I did realize that the ducks don’t quack like normal ducks. They sounded more like…”
Dick: Yeah, fuck you. No. Terrible.
Peach: See, I could smell it right away.
Dick: Yeah, you’re right. You’re right.
Peach: You’re welcome.
Dick: How embarrassing. Alright, let me get myroom records on here. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Peach: Aw, you’re genuinely upset. I can see little veins twitching.
Dick: I can’t believe somebody has ruined the erotic story – the sanctity of the erotic stories with their Maddox joke. You son of a bitch. You bastard.
Sean: Well, now I know for sure that he does not read these beforehand.
Dick: Of course not. Hey, Myroom Records, you there?
Myroom Records: Hey, what’s up buddy?
Dick: Hey, what’s up man? So you got an album for us?
Myroom Records: Yeah. So anyway, I first shot an email over to Diego when the live show was coming, and he just shot it back. “Oh, maybe you can find some artists or something to make it happen.” And, you know, being from Portland, I found the best loop pedal screeching crazy lady, and the trombone drum duo.
Dick: What are you talking about?
Myroom Records: Yeah. I sent Diego – He originally wanted me to do – to send over some…
Dick: Oh, to send some weird people to open the show.
Myroom Records: You know what? These people actually are probably pretty serious artists, and in Portland, they probably make money, so I dunno if they would have been open to it. And Diego just said, “Hey, why don’t you just open the shot?”
Dick: Yeah. I’d much prefer that you do it. So what’s this album?
Myroom Records: So, this album. It’s basically – it was a personal challenge for me. I was like, “Shoot, if Asterios can do an album in 24 hours, and I’ve got like 6 weeks before the show to do this, I sure as hell can come up with a 6 song album that actually sounds pretty decent.
Dick: I’m looking at it right now. You go to Too Small of an Album. It’s on Amazon. Is it on anything else? Is it on bandcamp?
Myroom Records: The easiest way to get to it is Myroomrecords.com/thedickshow. And I just posted that on Reddit, so you can find it there. And, yeah. And it has links to all – It’ll have links to everything. Everything goes live – it’ll be on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Bandcamp.
Dick: I haven’t listened to it yet, but I love your stuff. The Everything is a Contest – or nothing is. I think that was yours.
Myroom Records: Yeah. I remixed that song specifically for the album made it. Cleaned it all up, and made it actually professional.
Dick: Yeah. Thanks so much for doing that Portland show.
Myroom Records: Oh, it was a blast. I had a great time.
Dick: I wasn’t expecting the vinyl shirt. Was that what it was? When you stripped off – you stripped off your clothes towards then end, and you were wearing like a vinyl spaceman suit.
Myroom Records: Yeah. See, I have a different experience with Portland. I mean, you wore the obvious very hipster thing, and that’s pretty common. It seems like every time I go to Portland, I get Tanner’s fantasy everywhere I go.
Dick: What do you mean?
Myroom Records: Top gay. Top gay fantasy. Like, everywhere. So I was like, “Shoot, I’m gonna dress like the top gay.”
Dick: Have you encountered, like Sean said, a bunch of hipster assholes up in Portland? Because I didn’t, but Sean was saying, and other people who live in Portland tell me that…
Sean: I always listen to how people talk.
Myroom Records: Oh, yeah. It depends on where you are. Like, we were kind of in an area where it’s not too bad. But you get kinda northeast out – Like, my merch people is actually my sister, and she is definitely of that persuasion. And so I brought her in like, “Oh, you wanna come around and merch? We’ll have a great ‘ol time!”
Dick: Peach is asking if she smiles out of the side of her mouth.
Myroom Records: No. She doesn’t actually. All of her roommates do.
Peach: Are they in Portland? Because I’ll be there tomorrow.
Myroom Records: They’re… I can’t describe the amount of butter face that they are.
Peach: I understand. It’s not okay.
Dick: You guys can see beauty in anything.
Myroom Records: I’m sorry Peach, again, for calling you Layc.
Peach: That’s totally fine. I just wanted to fuck with you. I’m actually mad because we kind of wore the same fabric to the – I felt like I had to change.
Myroom Records: That vinyl skin tight. It was beautiful. I even had orange pants that matched the color of your dress.
Peach: Well thank you. It was cool.
Dick: Well, alright man. I’m gonna play one of your – I’m gonna play one of your songs for the outro. What makes you a rage?
Sean: Are we done with this segment of The View?
Dick: What makes you a rage, buddy?
Myroom Records: Fuck you Sean.
Sean: What makes you a rage?
Dick: Where’d he go?
Myroom Records: Oh, sorry. You were asking what makes me a rage. I thought you said you were gonna play a song. My rage is actually perfect. You were talking about downloads and stuff, and the way companies screw with you. My rage is companies that hold your money hostage. So, Google AdSense does this. I’ve got a bunch of stuff online, but – you have to earn a certain amount of money before they pay out for you.
Dick: Yeah. And there’s always a remainder that’s in the account. Like, I got $30 spread over 1- accounts that I just can never access again.
Myroom Records: Yeah. I have $9.73 sitting in my CD Baby account right now, and it’s been there for 3 years, and you can get it, but you have to write them a stamped latter. And once they receive it, they can wait 10-12 weeks, or the end of their fiscal year, whatever comes first.
Dick: I’ve got some Bitcoins in some wird account somewhere. I totally forgot about them until they went to the moon. I found the account and logged back in, and they’re like, “You need a minimum of .1 bitcoins to get your bitcoin.” Fuck, that’s 10 grand now. What do you mean a minimum of 1 bitcoin to get it out, you fucking pricks.
Myroom Records: Yeah. And there’s all those fees too. If you want to take it out. “Oh, you want to take out $97 instead of $100? We’ll just take 20% off that.”
Dick: Alright man…
Sean: They can keep it and make interest.
Dick: Yeah. It is. They just gotta switch to a token system. The money means nothing anymore. Just like Amazon bucks and PayPal tokens. It’s all Disney dollars. It’s just a number on a fucking computer, right? Which one should I play, Myroom Records?
Myroom Records: I would play News Babes, but I wanted to mention one more thing. If you do go to myroomrecords.com/thedickshow, there is also 6 bonus songs you can download, which are all of my parodies, which I don’t think I can get away with actually selling, including a brand new parody I just finished this last week.
Dick: I think you can sell parody songs.
Myroom Records: You can, but I just didn’t want to deal with that giving credit and all that.
Dick: Alright, here’s News Babes, by Myroom Records. Go to MyroomRecords.com/thedickshow. Is that what you said?
Myroom Records: Yup, that’s correct.
Dick: Alright. Then you can get the extra downloads. Here’s News Babes, by Myroom Records.
(Dick plays the song)
Dick: I think Layc has a bit of a beef with you, Peach.
Peach: Really? Why?
Dick: Remember in Portland when that…
(The song ends)
Dick: Alright, myroomrecords.com/thedickshow. Thanks man, I love your stuff.
Myroom Records: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Dick: Your acoustic guitar covers get stuck in my song for weeks. Was it the 20-million song you did on acoustic guitar?
Myroom Records: I don’t think I’ve done an acoustic one.
Dick: The Everything’s a Contest one has ben stuck in my head for a while.
Myroom Records: Yeah. That’s one of my favorites for sure.
Dick: Alright buddy, good luck with the album. Thank you for opening Portland.
Myroom Records: Thank you so much. It was a real blast. Had a good time.
Dick: Alright, see ya. Yeah, Layc was telling me that when you – you remember in Portland when that woman walked in the bathroom stall?
Peach: Yeah. You wanna talk about that?
Dick: No, I heard more of that story.
Peach: You did?
Dick: So, Peach goes up on stage and says that what makes her a rage is girls who open unlocked bathroom doors.
Peach: Okay, so what happened was that I went to the restroom to powder my nose about 5 minutes before I was getting on. So I ran in there. Layc came suddenly running behind be and says, “Well I need to go too.” Like, great. So, I thought there was one bathroom.
Dick: Layc was going. She wasn’t powdering her nose like Peach.
Peach: Well, anyway, I go to what I think is only one bathroom, and I think “Oh, Layc’s going to be right behind me, so I’m just gonna close the door.” And I’m so filled with many thoughts, important thoughts, that I didn’t lock that door. I thought, so Layc’s there, right?
Dick: You’re so busy remembering your lyrics and reviewing them for your song that you didn’t remember to lock the door.
Peach: Yeah. So, unbeknownst to me, which only makes sense, Layc of course saw that there was another bathroom and went to that one. Then this drunk as fuck…
Dick: Okay! First of all, she’s at the show, so let’s not be too rough. Drunk as fuck?
Peach: I wasn’t sure if she was at the show or she was at the other thing in that same space, I wasn’t sure. I’m powdering my nose, and…
Dick: Nose #1 or nose #2?
Peach: You know how tight that dress is, so it’s a very intimate moment with myself.
Peach: She just fucking opens the door right – okay, fine. That happens. She opens the door, and I go, “close the door, close the door. Close the rood. Close the door.” And she’s just standing there staring at me, door wide open, for 30 seconds as I’m saying “close the door.” I almost started to say “Hodor! Hodor!” Because she just wouldn’t fucking close it! And I’m just powdering and powdering my nose. I can’t stop!
Dick: Quite a site to see. She was stunned, most likely.
Peach: Look, I’m just some bitch wearing a plastic dress and a crown. Close the door. And finally she went, “It was unlocked.”
Dick: Time might have been going slower for you because you were panicked though.
Peach: No. I mean it was a while.
Dick: I dunno. Embarrassing things happen, and they seem a lot linger than they really are.
Peach: I embarrass myself all the time, I know how long an embarrassing moment takes.
Sean: How long was this one going on?
Peach: That’s hurtful.
Dick: Did she run away when, and left the door open?
Peach: No, she closed the door. I kept myself together. I come out, and I’m pissed as fuck.
Sean: What the fuck, Layc?!
Peach: No, not to Layc. No I didn’t. I open the door and I go, “What the fuck?” to that girl. Can’t you fucking knock? And she goes, “the door was unlocked.”
Dick: Wouldn’t that have opened the door? I know how bathroom stalls work. If you knock, they open.
Peach: It wasn’t a stall, it was a door. (A ton of stuttering)
Dick: Wait a minute! You’re telling me that the entire bathroom was a single person bathroom, and you left the bathroom door unlocked?
Dick: Oh, Peach. That is asking for it. You’ve gotta lock.
Peach: Look, I’m not saying I didn’t fuck up. I didn’t say that.
Dick: I thought the stall was unlocked. You left the door unlocked. It might as well have just ben opened. So she opened the door to the outside bar and saw you.
Peach: No, it was like curved behind, so no one saw anything. But she opens the door, and I standing there.
Dick: No, I got that.
Peach: The problem is that she wouldn’t – you know, because you open the door on somebody and go “excuse me,” and you close it. That’s fine.
Dick: No. I point at them and go hehehehe! You fucked up! Does this lock work? And then I go inside and I locked it. Then I go, “You see how this fucking lock works, idiot? This is what you do This is how it works. I’m gonna sit in here.” And then I sit on the floor, and then I have my eye level with their junk, and I say, “go ahead, I wanna see it. I wanna see the rest of this. This is what you deserve. For not locking the door.”
Peach: Look, so anyways. I come out and I’m like what the fuck man? Then she’s like, “Nyeh!” and closes the door. I don’t know where Layc is, I’m very confused, and I walk on stage, and I bitch, right? Now I’m not like…
Dick: Now let me tell you what happened after this. Layc went to the bathroom, and she’s also wearing a dress. But because Peach abandoned her in her fury, she didn’t have anyone to zip up the back of her dress.
Peach: What? She didn’t tell me this.
Dick: Yeah. Well that’s what happened. So when you furiously stomped away…
Peach: No, I didn’t furiously stomp away. I knew I was gonna go on in like 2 minutes. The fact that I even went was a risk. She followed me because she also had to go. That’s great, that’s fine.
Dick: I think she was counting on you to be there to zip her dress up.
Peach: She didn’t tell me that.
Dick: Shew tells the story…
Sean”: This is why they always go to the bathroom together.
Peach: Is she mad?
Dick: They can’t survive alone! They can’t fucking live on their own! They need to have their – they need another woman there to put their clothes back together and make sure – and tell them how the door works.
Peach: Wait a minute. Why didn’t she just say this on stage?
Dick: Because she didn’t want to throw you under the bus.
Peach: Why not?
Dick: I dunno. She’s a nice girl.
Peach: Wait, so she talks shit about me behind my back?
Dick: She’s not talking shit, she was just adding detail to the story.
Peach: Damnit. I’ll message her. I feel so bad. That sucks. I’m an asshole.
Dick: So you left the door open, and got so upset and ran off to badmouth Layc on stage, meanwhile she walks out with – she can’t put her own clothes back on.
Peach: I didn’t know that. I didn’t know. That sounds like hijinks
Dick: You think she’s lying?
Peach: No. That just sounds like a comedy of errors. I love her, of course.
Dick: Let me read some of these reddit rages. Cybernetic Orange says, “What makes me a rage this week is decision pitchers. A guy who proposes we all do something but doesn’t actually have a suggestion of what we should do.” That girl that wants to grab a bite to eat but doesn’t want to pick a restaurant. The follow up. Then they shoot down recommendations. You just wanted me to come up with suggestions, you vapid, unpleasable, lazy piece of shit. Bamma381 says, “People saying “I was gonna get that” when you’re loading the last dish in the dishwasher.”
Sean: Don’t blow it for me.
Dick: I do that all the time.
Sean: Don’t blow it for me you motherfucker.
Unbeknownst All the fucking time. “Oh, I was gonna take that trash out.”
Sean: Oh, I’m gonna cut this part out I think.”
Dick: C’mon man. C’mon bamma. That’s – don’t fight that one. Just embrace it.
Sean: Keys to the kingdom and such.
Dick: I was gonna get you a present. I was. “You were gonna? You make me a fucking rage.” Shawn Galt says, “what makes me a rage this week is not getting named in the lolsuit. It’s bullshit. I defame Maddox and name Dick and Asterios’s crimes every day, but I never get any credit.”
Sean: Shawn Galt? Is that an Ayn Rand reference?
Dick: Is it?
Sean: John Galt.
Dick: Lakembra says, “Long goodbyes. People who say goodbye 100 times before they hang up the phone. You only need one goodbye. Just say it once, allow the other person to say it back, and hang up. There’s a real life version of this where people say goodbye multiple times before…” I just Nixon it out. Just, “See ya.” You know? I’m holding my fingers up. That means (Typical Dick sounds) Stop talking! Yeah. That is annoying. Captain Jackass says, “Thank you for having me call in this week. It was cool. Been a Patreoni since day 1. I was talking low the entire time because I was going through a horrible hangover, and I was concerned about vomiting live on air. Immediately after the call, I threw up and then went back to sleep.”
Sean: Unlike someone else who throws up on the air.
Dick: Uh… Yeah.
Sean: That never happened I guess, right?
Dick: I don’t know why Asterios won’t let me play that. He said I could if we win the lolsuit, I think. There’s a couple stipulations. But I asked him why I can’t play this. “Like I want Lakembra and Sam Glaze to make a remix of me throwing up.” What do you mean? Do you not?
Peach: Is it musical?
Dick: I don’t know. I’ve never heard – Oh! I have heard it! I have heard it, and it’s hysterical. This guy’s got some advice. “Started going to school again and became a regular at the local Chipotle. A cute girl that works there is giving me more eye contact than I’ve ever got from a human being. This is a thing, right? I’ve been out of the dating game for over 7 years now, and was already pretty shit at this besides that. So, if this is a thing, what do I do to not fuck up this thing?” You will fuck up, and that’s okay. Women are very forgiving as to your fuckups. Because they don’t have to do any work, that’s why. They just have to stand there and look at you, and that’s the extent of their participation in the courtship game.
Peach: I think that depends.
Dick: Then you’ve gotta go talk to them, come up with – you’ve gotta come up with the impossible task of something that is interesting, not stupid, not weird or lecherous in some way, and suited to them. Every time you talk to a woman, you have to write a greeting card.
Peach: You don’t think we’re not doing that?
Dick: No! You guys are not. You guys do not walk up to guys.
Peach: We’re not trying to figure out the right emoji to get our message across.
Dick: You guys don’t know how good you have it. How hard it is to come up with the right thing top say that we’ve – that’s been said 10-zillion times in the 66 billion people that have ever been on the planet – every single one of them has had to come up with a line to talk to a woman probably 1000 times. We’ve got 66-trillion pickup lines that have ever been said, and still doing it once is impossible. There’s no escape from it. Fuck. Oh great, this beautiful girl likes me, and I’m feeling like I might like her too, great. Now I gotta do the hardest part of the relationship which is come up with something to say to introduce myself.
Peach: Like, “hello, my name is XYZ.”
Dick: And then what?
Peach: “Oh, hello, my name is ABC.”
Dick: And you’re just standing there with your Dick – with your hello in your hand. “Oh, that’s your name? Wonderful.” We all think we’re gonna hit on Don Rickles. We forget that women will talk about anything. Remember that they talk – once you start dating the woman, you say – you think to yourself, “god, stop talking about everything. Literally everything!” The fucking weather get them going! You forget that! You forget that when you want to talk to them!
Sean: No, you don’t have time to forget it, because they’re still talking.
Dick: Once you get them, yeah. Once you get them in bed, it’s “Oh, I forgot that you need next to nothing to get them going.” You just breathe funnily enough! “Were you breathing? That reminds me, I used to breathe in a funny way, and my friend would tell me that I breathe funny, and my classmate named April, she was dating Johnny who was the boyfriend of Rebecca, who I went to second grade.” Every fucking! It’s just breathing bitch! You don’t need to overcomplicate…
Sean: I wish I could stop breathing! PERMANENTLY!
Dick: I wish I could stop this from happening. I would stop breathing in a second, but I would be – then I would decompose, and that would get her going. “Oh, this decomposing is reminding me of when my aunt – at my aunt’s funeral, my 2nd grade teacher that introduced me and Jessica, who I went to Summer camp with, remember? I remember how I told you about that.” I know who the fuck Jessica is, just say Jessica. Just say the name of the person. I’m going to assume that you know them from somewhere. I don’t need all these fucking… See, that’s – this is what you’re arguing…
Peach: Seem it’s easy to talk to women.
Dick: I’m saying it’s the easiest thing in the fucking world, but we fuck with our minds, because we think that that’re like a guy, that we need to come up with something interesting to say, but you don’t.
Sean: You come back with come cutting remark.
Dick: Yeah. Because we think that all the women that we want to have sex with are secretly our dad in disguise.
Peach: What the fuck? No. No.
Dick: Yeah. When we go to talk to them, we say, “Oh, you work at Chipotle, huh? Can I – if I give you a compliment, and I get a little extra meat in my burrito? You know what I’m saying?” And our dad is gonna rip off – the girls gonna rip off her mask, and it’s gonna be our dad, and he’s gonna say, “Oh, that was your fucking idea of a good line?”
Sean: Nice, idiot!
Dick: Yeah. Nice job, idiot. You blew it again.
Peach: Does your dad test you with this?
Sean: We are our dads.
Dick: My dad fucking gave me a test. They’re always fucking with you, and I know because I always fuck with my nephews similarly, because they always fuck with me! Just a lifetime of fucking around! You wanna talk about bathroom issues? The boys, they want to fuck your bathroom time, all day every day. And they also want you fucking up their bathroom time.
Peach: By doing what?
Dick: They just want to check it out. They think it’s funny. They think it’s hilarious to go – to be in the room, because they know it makes you uncomfortable. They want to be in there while you’re peeing or whatever. They will hammer on the fucking door, and stick their fingers under the door, and I’m like, “You’re making it fucking weird, dude! I don’t wanna be here pissing with your little fingers sticking under the door! Get them the fuck out of here.”
Sean: Stem on ‘em.
Dick: Yeah. I was up at my sister’s house a couple of weeks ago, and he sends out an emissary. His dad comes out, and he goes, “He requests your presence in the bathroom.” I’m like, “So?” I’m not gonna tell him no. So I gotta go stand in the room while this motherfucker shits. What is this? How do you like this? And he’s laughing. What do you – this is what they do.
Sean: What the fuck.
Dick: Yeah. They don’t have a good concept of boundaries.
Sean: No. They learn that later.
Dick: They just know it’s funny. That kid was 2.
Peach: Well, that’s almost a baby.
Dick: Yeah. Anyway. The girls – it’s not your dad in a disguise. It’s ready to rip off the mask. It’s a woman. You barely have to try. Just say – you could even speak another language. That’ll get ‘em going. Je mepelle Sean. “Oh, wow, is that French? I’m gonna learn French, I was thinking – I spent my entire life talking about how I’m gonna learn French.” Then you remember that it’s a woman you’re talking to. Then you’re like, “Oh, why was I over thinking this?” Right?
Sean: Yeah. You’ve just broken the BP oil pipeline. There’s no cap on that motherfucker.
Dick: Be grateful for this time when it’s just eye contact, you know?
Sean: That’ll be the best part of your relationship.
Dick: It’s all downhill. As soon as – see, you don’t know how good you have it, Dan, this guy. Once they – try not to get her to talk to you. Give her a little note. See if you can get a date without saying anything
Peach: That’s hot.
Dick: Give her a phone number, and if she says anything, say you’re mute. Or deaf. That’s a good one. Just tell her you’re deaf, and she’ll never try to talk to you.
Peach: But then she’ll be waving her hands at you all the time.
Dick: Good. It’s like an erotic dance of the 7 veils. Keep moving. Keep her moving. Let me see if I got anything else. “Hey Dick, I’m listening to the latest episode having picked my junk just last night.” This guy shaves his balls with a straight razor. “My balls are clammy, and I can physically feel my fart bubbles come out of my crack.” Alright. “That’s great for making loud farts. On the other hand, it’s terrible and I can’t recommend it. I go in for a trim up with an electric razor, then I wet shave my face, and get carried away with the razer sometimes.” That’s interesting.
Sean: The fuck does that mean?
Peach: Did he shave his asshole?
Sean: And then he shaves his face? That’s what he means by get carried away. Okay. I thought he did the first, and then got carried away with the razor, and put it on his tongue or something.
Dick: Alan Foster, not safe for human consumption. He’s the guy that has the Asterios audio. Kidney stones you say? I assist in removing them. We do 5 or 6 a day. Knock the patient out, put them on the surgery table, and then swing their legs up in stirrups so their junk is out in the open, stick an instrument that’s about 18 inches long into their pee-hole, into their bladder, into their ureter. From there, blast the stone with a laser, or just pull it out with a grasper. It’s medieval, dude. Ask me anything.
Sean: Do you know how bad the first piss has gotta hurt after that?
Dick: Oh, when it’s all sliced up? Your ureter is all sliced up?
Sean: Yeah. That’s gotta be like pissing a razor blade.
Peach: My pleasure.
Dick: Do you lock bathroom doors now?
Peach: Yeah, I do. Very much so. I now have my own bathroom ritual for that as well.
Dick: Thank you for the songs as well. The Nobody Knew I Was Heather has been stuck in my head.
Peach: I’m glad.
Dick: We gotta film a video for that.
Peach: Yeah, we’d love to. I’m so glad you like that one.
Dick: I’m sure I would love the Portland one too if I had heard any of the lyrics.
Peach: I mean, maybe I’ll put it on my YouTube archive channel.
Dick: Okay, and your Twitch is.
Dick: Alright, fun stuff that Twitch. I’ve been getting really into Twitch lately, Sean. I’m gonna play another one from Myroom Records. This is Myroom Record’s TDS Intro Remix. Myroomrecords.com/thedickshow. Thanks for listening everybody, C U Next Tuesday.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song ends)
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. After last week’s revealing discussion on the reusal of razors, dickheads on Facebook shared even more intimate details regarding what they use to shave with, how much they shave, and if they even shave at all. The top answer, at about 50%, was a electric razor, and shaving it down to as far as it’ll take me. 2nd place was about 15%, and that was “I rarely do or do not shave at all.” There were 7 dickheads who said that they maintain a bald private region using actual razors, and some dickheads said they even use scissors or Nair. A day later, Fred Simon created the same pole, but much less formal, and he also forgot to close the pole. As a result, the top answers include, “Stick your cock and balls in a rusty bucket of Nair, rub peanut butter on my pubes, and walk through petting zoos.” Next up is Chris Holme who’s having issues with hemorrhoids. Chris tried to “self-examine himself,” but found that the entrance way to the exam room was a little bit too tight. But he has reason to believe there’s something blocking the exit way. He has to exert incredible amounts of work in order to properly shit, and he can really use some Dick Tips™. In over 30 comments, not one person told Chris to see a doctor. Instead, they just told him to drink 10 beers, eat more fiber, squatty potties, stop abusing drugs, and just ignore the problem for another week or two.
Dick: You know, those squatty potty people have done a very bad thing. By introducing this new method of pooping and putting it out there – the first time I read about that squatty potty nonsense, I thought, “Well, is this true or what?
Sean: Okay, what is the thing? It’s like a – it’s an attachment that goes on your toilet?
Dick: Yeah. And you’re supposed to take your pants off, and…
Sean: Is it to get you to squat more or less?
Dick: To get you to squat entirely. You’re supposed to – go ahead.
Peach: Sorry. I actually have one.
Dick: Okay, here we go. What a surprise.
Sean: One degree, huh?
Dick: Yeah, one degree of talking about yourself. See, this is the kinda line that would work. “Hey, squatty potties. Actually, I have a squatty potty.”
Peach: No, I know exactly – it just moves your legs up like this.
Dick: Hold on, let me see. What do you mean moves your legs up? Is it like a platform?
Peach: Yeah. It’s just a tiny stool just for your feet, and that way.
Dick: Is it in front of the toilet?
Sean: That is supposed to be the better way to shit, right?
Dick: Okay, so hold on. Pretend that chair is a toilet.
Peach: (Whispers) Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
Dick: Where is the steps?
Peach: They’re right at the floor where my feet are.
Sean: So it’s an Ottoman. A Shitterman.
Peach: It’s only about yeigh high, right? And then your feet just go up like that to where your knees are up a little more, so you are more in a squatting position, and allegedly…
Dick: So, what? It’s a shoebox that you just put under your feet in front of the toilet? I mean, functionally, is that what it is?
Peach: It’s like a bench, and it’s shaped to where you put it right up against the toilet, and then you can just put your feet on it.
Dick: And it’s supposed to what, straighten out your colon?
Peach: I guess. To make it easier for things to…
Dick: But yeah, I call bullshit… Because somebody would have figured it out by now. You know? A lot of work goes in the toilet process. All these lifehacks that I call bullshit on, and secondly, I don’t want a step stool in front of my toilet in my house, because people will make fun of me, you know? But there’s always that doubt in my mind, permanently, that this is a real thing that would change my life. Has it changed yours?
Peach: What? The squatty potty?
Dick: Yeah. What are you doing, reading comments about yourself?
Peach: No, I was just checking in. Has it changed my life? No. It’s just there.
Dick: Is it different?
Dick: Does it make things different? Does it make things easier?
Dick: Yes really? Alright, maybe it’s time to look into one of these things. Every time I hear about it, I’m like, “What are these people enjoying that I’m not?” We’ll do some research. Alright, here’s Captain Jackass.
Captain Jackass: Justin Nichole hasn’t been able to do anything in his job for an entire week because of a ransomware attack. The IT guy placed the backup drives on the network, so they are stuck doing nothing. Furthermore, the IT guy’s password for the protection of the entire office was Password1. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.
Dick: Alright, thank you very much. You want to hear more of Phone Losers calls? I got one more.
Sean: Sure, play it.
(Dick starts the call)
Some Dude: Secret Society.
Brad: Hey there, is this the manager or other person of authority?
Some Dude: Uh, yes.
Brad: Okay, I’m calling from LanDUI and associates, attorney at law. We’re in New York City, and I need to confirm that you are in fact the venue that hosted The Dick Show a couple weekends ago. It was called Road Rage.
Some Dude: Uh, what is this regarding?
Brad: Well, we’re probably gonna sue you because you’re facilitating terrorism for my client. They’ve been harassing him for years now, and you’re involved now, because you’re providing a venue and a stage for these people on their campaign of harassment against my client.
Some Dude: I am unaware of this.
Brad: Yeah. Well, you’re aware that you hosted The Dick Show, you hosted Road Rage a couple weekends ago.
Some Dude: That’s what you’re saying. I am unaware of this.
Brad: Oh, no. You know they were there. Don’t play dumb. We’re suing everyone. Everyone involved. We’re suing the grocery store that sold him food while he was there,
Some Dude: Wow…
Bead: gas stations, other employees that worked there that night.
Some Dude: That’s impressive. I didn’t know there was a legal precedent to not sell food to a person.
Brad: Well that’s why you’re not a lawyer, sir. We’re suing the power company up there for providing power to your building during his show. You know, that whole thing, that was just to make fun of my client, Maddox.
Some Dude: I don’t know who your client is, but…
Brad: Everyone knows Maddox. He’s a best-selling author. New York Times best seller.
Some Dude: I certainly do not.
Brad: Don’t pretend you don’t know who he is.
Some Dude: You’re definitely wrong about a number of things there.
Brad: You’re full of shit, and my lawsuit against you is gonna prove that.
Some Dude: (Laughs)
Brad: I’m suing the chair stacking lady.
Some Dude: You sound like a real professional.
Brad: Oh, I am a real professional. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I specialize in drunken driving.
Some Dude: I’m sure you’re totally into that. I’m sure you’ll be real cut out for it.
Brad: Oh, you’ll see. We’ll see who’s laughing once the lawsuit arrives. You’re getting’ served. You’re getting’ served, motherfucker.
Some Dude: Good luck, kiddo.
Brad: Yeah, I don’t need any luck. I’m a professional. I’m suing the microphone company. Who makes your microphones there?
(Some Dude hangs up)
Brad: Oh, he hung up.
Dick: Okay. I got a couple voicemails. Not a lot.
Sean: He’s funny.
Dick: He is funny. His show’s funny. You know, it’s that prank call magic where you gotta get somebody who’s unaware that they’re – he calls people to try and repo their cars. Those are some of my favorites.
Sean: And lets them know.
Dick: Yeah. It’s when people call him, trying to get stuff out of him. Like, telling him that they’re gonna repo his car.
Caller #1: Hey Dick. Tom Jumbo Drumbo here, I’ve got a rage for you. I was just listening to the lost debates, the first episodes, and you are spot on stoners. Jesus Christ, I fairly recently started a trimming job, and I’ve generally hung out with people who aren’t stoners, and I smoke week has always made me a stoner to them, so I’ve (mumble) trap. First time I was listening to that show about… I was defensive because, you know, I’m not a piece of shit. I’m not the kinda person you’re describing. But holy shit, stoners. God. Every fucking break, they’re getting in their car and doing their dabs. “Oh, I wouldn’t smoke this weed, I wouldn’t smoke that weed.” Shut the fuck up.
Sean: Yeah. Everything is about weed.
Caller #1: You’re not better than these people. You’re not a grower, you’re not a connoisseur. You’re just a drug user who has made your preference in drugs. I dunno, you’re one step away from those wine tasting snobs. God, I wanna fucking kill these people sometimes. Anyway, go fuck yourself. Hi Sean.
Dick: You know what I find is a flash point for me? People talking about the thing you’re doing while you’re doing it. It seems like there’s a lot of running themes with annoying people, and that – like he’s talking about they’re going in their car and smoking weed, and they’re talking about weed too.
Sean: It’s like talking about your guitar strings when you’re playing guitar.
Dick: Yeah. Or talking about a movie that you’re watching, but talking about the movie. It’s like – can we just do the thing. I dunno if that’s just a me thing or a guy thing. Talking about music whilst listening to music is another one.
Sean: Yeah… If you – yeah. Who actually just sits there and listens to music as a group anymore though? You know? I mean, maybe if you’re at a show.
Dick: Yeah, but I want to talk about something that you’re not doing, or else it ruins both the talking and the doing it. If you’re smoking weed and talking about weed, you’ve ruined both. Only do one or the other, right? Watch a movie and talk to me about music. It’s fine. You don’t go for a stroll with someone, and then talk about walking. Look at us walking right here.
Sean: Put one foot in front of the other.
Dick: It looks like you’re doing it too. I noticed that you’re doing one foot in front of the other too. They’re almost at the same speed that we’re doing it. How about that? This conversation’s making me want to walk off of a fucking cliff, dude. Alright, one more.
Caller #2: The Dick Show. Andrew Oregon. We live in sick times. Makes me wonder, what can we do? I was thinking, simple thing, really. Look, I think marriage is kind of a weird thing. I’m married. Not for everybody, but I just got that weird view that, if you’re a husband, you do things to your wife, and vice versa. If you can’t get a blowjob basically on demand from your wife, there’s something wrong with your marriage. I’m not even joking here. You can’t get your wife to pull her tits out and give you a blowjob, you fail at doing that, what’s the point really? What’s the fucking point? The same thing goes both ways. If a wife can’t get her husband to ever give her a back massage, what are you even doing with your life? You know what I mean?
Sean: What are you doing together?
Dick: What are you doing? People live their lives with such bizarre constraints on them and on other people and put on them. Like guys who won’t just, on principle, tell their girlfriends that they love them Like, “No, I don’t use that word. That’s an important word.” Just fucking do it. Just make things easier. Stop making things hard for yourself and everybody else. People have relationships and don’t even have sex. What the fuck is it then?! How do you know the difference between it being a relationship and it not being a relationship? It’s not!
Sean: Well, it’s a different kind of relationship.
Dick: Not the one that people are talking about when they say, “I’m in a relationship.” Like, oh yeah, okay. You’re in the thing where you can do backrubs and blowjobs? No. Oh, me and Sean are in that kind of relationship, where nobody’s getting their Dick sucked. I’m in a relationship with a lot of people like that. It always trips me out when I hear how people live their private lives, and what they can tolerate. You only get one shot at this. Don’t waste it. It’s not that you’re gonna die either. It’s that you’re getting fatter every year.
Sean: Yeah, It’s true. Right. You’ve got a long time to live. Just a long time to live un fuckable.
Dick: We’re live athletes. We’re like pro athletes. We got that brief period in our 20’s where we’re employable. And then afterwards it’s just used car commercials, and thinking about that couple years in your life that you should have done more. That you should have done a better job at. Then the rest of your life is spent convincing yourself that it’s not a downward trend. Trying to distract yourself form the increasingly spiraling downward trend that is having not appreciated the good times. If you’re not getting blowjobs, get the hell out of there, man. What are you doing? Obesity death march says I’m convincing him that he’s doing everything right. Jamie says, “Alright. Someone throw me on a used car lot.”
Sean: One degree.
Dick: Yeah, one degree. That’s a good game show. You get 3 chicks, and then they flash a topic, and they have to buzz in and not talk about themselves. It’s like Jeopardy for women. I’ll take historical US presidents. This president kept the Union together, abolished slavery, and was shot in the back of the head by John Wilkes Booth. “I remember when I learned about Abraham Lincoln.” Ah, sorry. “Oh, I actually have a dog that reminds me – that looks like Abraham Lincoln.” No, sorry. “Who is Obama?” Correct. Chick Jeopardy. Leave that in. See if anybody else’s got anything. Moggenfeeb, “Dick, if my girlfriend doesn’t give head, but also will take the baby if I leave…” Ah, man…
Dick: “Will take the baby if I leave. Oh, what do I do?” What do you do? Can you turn that around?
Sean: Get head from somebody else.
Dick: That’s a good point.
Peach: Or just get a really sassy HJ.
Dick: You think she’ll give him a really sassy HJ?
Peach: Yeah. Just a good ol’ fashion HJ.
Dick: Yeah, get head from somebody else, and don’t tell her. I mean.
Sean: It’s an answer.
Dick: Yeah. If you’re not getting what you want, get it somewhere else. You can live with yourself. It might take a couple times, but you could work that out of your system.
Sean: You could certainly justify it.
Dick: Yeah. Remember, the Nazis were normal people. They just slowly did these things, right? Always remember that. Stanford prison experiment, normal people. You just do it enough times, you can get over feeling like a piece of shit. “There are no sassy HJs, he says.”
Peach: Oof. I dunno.
Dick: That’s rough. Fuck, you guys are right. Oh, he only sells meth, he says. Alexander Hamrick, “Handjobs suck, Peach. What kinda bullshit are you sprouting?” No, I disagree my friend.
Peach: You haven’t had a sassy, good ol’ fashion HJ then.
Dick: Yeah, you give yourself handjobs every day. That doesn’t suck. I know that doesn’t suck. Chick Jeopardy. I want to see that. I want to make that video.
Sean: Obama. Ding, ding, ding.
Dick: Ding, ding, ding! Correct! 100 points! Uh-oh. This out daily double, and then it just shows a picture of you. Daily double, “One of you has a birthday coming up next week. How much are you going to wager on this one?” I’ll wager it all, Dick. I’ll wager 1,000 Dickels on this one.” Okay, the answer is, “you want your boyfriend to buy you flowers for your birthday.” See if they can not talk about themselves directly about them. That’s the joke I’m trying to make. What’s final Jeopardy? I guess it’s just regular Jeopardy, that’s what makes it funny.
Peach: But it’s final.
Dick: Yeah. Category is Wuthering Heights. Jamie! My birthday’s actually coming up next week! (Dick makes a buzzer sound) Nope! Wet Bandits, “Dick, have you ever jerked off with a warm tortilla?” No, that seems like there’d be a lot of chafing. Oh yeah, why haven’t I blurred you out, Peach? I dunno if I could do that.
Peach: Don’t you dare.
Dick: Just a little bit. No, wait, here.
Peach: Just enough to give me an ethereal glow.
Dick: There. Now everybody knows…
Peach: Oh! For fucks sake!
Peach: I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Dick: I’m here with Peach Saliva.
Sean: Waving with her flipper.
Dick: See ya.
Sean: See ya, thanks.
Dick: Hehehehe! That blur! Hehehe!
Peach: You fucking…