A five years in podcasting super spectacular, the whore situation with Road Rage: Vegas, strip club secrets, The Killstream reunion, how the left can meme, Justin Whang, Null from Kiwi Farms, Denzel returns with erotic photography, Doug TenNapel convinces me not to have kids, Larry challenges me to an arm wrestling contest, The Killstream Reunion call in, a Fat Off with lakembra, the Thought Cops, FigBat DiggerNick is a huge nerd, The Time Travel/Abortion Conundrum, Sean is ganged up on, and Apostrophos sends in a glitter bomb; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Road Rage: Vegas tickers are now…ON SALE!!!
What have we learned in five years of podcasting?
Well we’ve learned Maddox is a cuck. That much is certain.
We’ve been into space. We’ve had a #2 charting Billboard comedy album. We’ve all earned e-law degrees and learned more about the law than any other comedy podcast. We have a Muppet. We have a lawyer. We’ve updated plugins, we’ve hijacked and re-hijacked feeds, we’ve slept with our friends wives and their ex-girlfriends, we’ve gotten restraining orders, we’ve maintained rape lists, we sold out to YouTube, we sold out to Fox, we put way too much in writing. We’ve learned to never put anything in writing. We broke barbecue sauce, we tested Diet Coke, we learned that bicyclers are pieces of shit. We’ve ruined the Titanic theme song, and the Pokemon theme song, and Thriller. We’ve been among the farewell acts of a landmark American theater, Sean has had a world tour, we’ve seen profiles rise and fall and be created and destroyed. We’ve seen epic sperg outs–or Clegg Outs as I like to call them. Patreons have come and gone, Patreon has come and gone. We’ve seen people quit the liquor and we’ve seen people become the liquor.
But what have we learned?
Maybe that the show must go on? Because it must. Every week without fail, no matter how hungover or fat one is, or how many boomer audio issues they’re having and failed to prepare for. The show must go on! But I don’t think that’s true, or at least it’s anthropomorphizing it. What is more honest is that the show will go on with or without you. You can only try as hard as you can to be there for it. Everyone else will.
Maybe we’ve learned that there is something inherently wrong with being a cuckold. Because there is. In fact, I would say something being “wrong” with it is a key aspect of the fetish–if I was going to make some kind of autistically literal, career-destroying video about it I would say that. And in the non-literal, non-fetishistic sense, where the Wild Spaghetti Brains do not roam, there is something very wrong with being a cuck! Sitting back, doing nothing, absorbing a tidal wave of anti-you like you’re some sort of masochistic Juggernaut, building power and steam from it, post-modernistically out-thinking and out-framing your failure as merely a symptom of being right. Responding in private always. Rolling over always. Being the “bigger man” always. There is something very wrong with it. I might call it the biggest problem in the universe.
But more than those things. I think we’ve learned that I need to lose 20 pounds. Because when done correctly, life and this show specifically, and life is full of people who do not varnish their opinions; AKA “assholes”, who communicate directly and quickly and without shame for their honesty or sincerity, who can see what’s right in front of them, who want the best–or at least the next best. And to engage with these people for five years–these alt-right trolls and racists and homophobes–many of whom are gay themselves, is to invite the obvious: I need to lose weight and do it quickly. Before Vegas. Before the strip club pools. I don’t want someone taking a picture of me outside with a bunch of cottage cheese for obliques.
We’ve learned that 50 thousand Dickheads can’t be wrong. And never will be.
Thanks for listening everyone. Here’s to five more years! We’re going to Mars!
“Just” by lakembra, who is himself a fatso as well.
“Riff Rage” by Logan Felber