Episode 68 - Dick on Phony Lollers

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

The scourge of phony lollers, real life cupcake wars, sex vs. a hangover, picky garbage men, the end of summer, [email protected] gets a hit, the slow death, the kid with better stuff than you, Sam Hyde’s War on Pornography, several musical tributes to Sean’s Dong, condensation and condescension, organic comedy supplements, Choose Your Own Adventure books, Goss Squad interviews Asterios Kokkinos, Asterios’ School of Satire, Denzel makes a girl cry, and Sean doesn’t get Family Guy pornography; all that and more this week on the Dick Show!

Sam Hyde Comedian, Million Dollar Extreme, author "How To Bomb the US Gov't" gave the only good Ted Talk.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Asterios Kokkinos Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Denzel Co-host of Real Nerd Hours, photographer, can't skate.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Hazencruz A.B.C.. Women who try to pressure you into having kids.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

I was going to write a Slender Man-style scary story about “The Phony Loller” in this write-up to discourage people from lolling sarcastically, but it’s like two in the morning, so I’m just going to tell you about the idea, and let your imagination do the work–just like a real horror story! Mission Accomplished, but first…

Have you ever felt like people just don’t understand how smart you are…?

Well step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up! And witness the cure-ifying, purifying powers of my indomitable, not ad-hominable, sophisticated, articulated solution to every single problem in the fucking world and also your own deep-rooted feelings of impotence in the face of a chaotic and unpredictable large-system society with ambiguous morals, amorphous win conditions, and infinite opportunity cost. It’s called, Logic!

It’s the miracle cure for all that ails the world, and also you, my friend! Why with this here logic, there’s no perspective that can’t be processed, no nuance that can’t be nullified, and no humanity that can’t be homogenized into a simple choice between good and bad just the way God intended it! In fact, millions of folks across this great (citation needed) land use Logic every day to prove their prejudice, confirm the conclusions they already know they love, and as a guarantee that they’ll never need to understand anyone else’s point of view on anything ever again for the rest of their fucking life. What a deal!

In fact, after just a few applications of Logic–and a its supplemental fallacies, you too will gain all the wisdom of Socrates, Solomon, and the ladies from Hidden Figures who sent man to the moon. You’ll be so smart you’ll have to explain it!

Purely objective, never defective, or introspective, use Logic today and you’ll never be wrong again.

That’s supposed to sound like a scummy sales-pitch because it is.

I had an unproductive conversation with a Twitch streamer named Destiny this week. It started from this Tweet bickering and trainwrecked onto this stream. It’s unlistenably frustrating and I apologize for it. If you’re familiar with the guy, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not, chances are you’ve come across at least one pedantic fuck in the last year who seems compulsively unwilling to understand points, willfully misrepresents everything that isn’t what they were about to say anyway, and squawks unrelentingly about logic and fallacies like someone found those seagulls from “Finding Nemo” and shoved a copy of Plato’s Apology up their ass. Logic has become a religion and the way the Acolytes of Logic argue is a cancer.

I’ve spent 12 years as a semi-professional, argumentative piece of shit. The most important thing I’ve learned from it is that nothing beats random email tits. A less important thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to issues that are core to people’s identity, like politics, religion, race, dick size, being a fat fuck, healthcare, Tony Romo, more than a handful being a waste, the economy, pissing through your fly, children and won’t someone think of them, and dogs; facts and logic never convinced anyone of anything. We’re not logical animals. We’re butter passing robots in a world of margarine problems–or bending robots in world of straightening problems, or Rosie the Robot in a world of those plastic office carpet covers that she would get her wheels caught on every time. My point is, America loves sassy robots on television.

The greatest trick your brain ever pulled is convincing you that you’re in charge. You’re not. A fear of your teeth falling out for no reason is in charge. If it’s not helping you feed, fight, or fuck, then we’re not basing decisions off of it, we’re just telling ourselves that to look cool. If facts mattered, no one would be attracted to supermodels, no one would play the lottery, and juries would be made up of two guys instead of twelve, one guy to listen to the facts and interpret them exactly correctly and then another guy to ask why they’re serving on a jury in a world where crime also doesn’t exist.

No amount of logic has ever gotten someone laid, gotten them a job, gotten them out of a speeding ticket, or kept them from paying full price to see a shitty movie. Einstein never embraced Quantum Mechanics. Despite having all the facts available, the smartest guy in history used his logic to support his biases. Meanwhile, Heisenburg pioneered Quantum Mechanics, but also used that same logic to justify building an atomic bomb for the Nazis. So which one do you want to be, logically? The guy who was wrong or the Nazi? LOL!

I apologize to The Dick Show sub reddit for the plauge of infallibility I cursed upon ye this week.

And now for some lighter fare, here’s a musical tribe to Sean’s Dong from the artist formerly known as ACIOU and lakembra!