Episode 84 – Dick on Nuttin’


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A hellish existential crisis, Count Dankula calls in with a fuckery update, Denzel nuts, Nick Rekieta goes over Asterios’ lolsuit defense and defines defaming, Scotland brings the dumbest asshole in the world out of retirement, The Dick Show Album draws near, Sergio and Brunette Peach send in the world’s wiggliest dildo, Road Rage: Portland is confirmed, I fix Dredd in a new Dicktation, car alarms, throwing chicken skins in the garbage, and Sean is not attracted to a cartoon; all that and more this week on The Dick Show.

Count Dankula
Dog Trainer, Patreon, Possibly going to prison for playing a prank on his girlfriend.
The Regressive Left, Communists
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Nick Rekieta
Lawyer and DickHead breaks down Maddox's lolsuit, Patreon
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Denzel Walkes
Co-host of Real Nerd Hours. Can't skate.

Marijuana Laws, Modern Dating, Losing, Getting Cucked on a Date
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

It’s time for an all new Patreon-exclusive Dicktation movie commentary track! Grab your nearest gun and/or toilet lid, put on your frowniest face, and get ready to ponder the ambiguities of heroic fascism as Coach, Jamie Lynn Hughes and I watch Dredd; the story of one man’s fight to enforce the laws of logical fallacies across the mean streets of Mega City One. Thanks to Andy Lee for this thumbnail that Sean is obviously lying about not being turned on by. But first…

Count Dankula, the guy who trained his girlfriend’s pug to do a Nazi salute as a joke and now might be going to jail for 5 years for it, calls in again with a bombshell of an update on his legal troubles that you’re going to have to hear to believe! Absolutely nothing. That’s right, based on the overwhelming evidence of this guy not being a Nazi, there not being any Nazis because it’s not the 1940’s, and that if there were any Nazis, the pug sure wouldn’t be the Übermensch’s best friend because it’s a genetic train wreck–the Scottish court system has taken over a year to decide that they’re not sure if this man needs to go to prison or not. The can of his case has been kicked down the road and his freedom remains in limbo.

I think Count Dankula is right when he says the court just wants to win, or whatever cocksucker is LARPing as an agent of justice for the crown in this Scottish episode of Night Court where Dan the DA is played Gustavo Fring. I would like to believe that the second amendment in America makes the state afraid to pull a stunt this like this, not because they think Americans would shoot up a courthouse in response, but because they know we would. I would like to believe that, but I don’t think it’s true. Memes are more powerful than violence, and there is no meme stronger than the Rorschach rage-blob.

When you yourself are personally wronged, you have a keen sense of clarity to your outrage. I know because I have 380 million points of clarity to mine. It’s the certainty of being fucked that sits in your gut like a snagged fishing weight that just snapped the line. You know you have been fucked and there is nothing that will make it “right”, there is only the drug of “justice” that will make you stop thinking about it for a bit. And that’s the best we can do, but that’s also not what we have here. What we have here is a copy of that outrage, a copy of a copy of a copy endlessly replicating itself like a virus across the globe and mutating each time; ideologies based on hot-takes and presentations of personality built around slogans and exposes, where the talking points get scrambled each time; pantomiming offense on someone else’s behalf, hammering plowshares into Likes, farting into a Yeti thermos in the morning and then carrying it around all day for easy smelling. It’s a copy of a copy of a copy, until you’re left with all the indignation, but none of the “righteousness”.

It happens every time we whisper about the boogey-Nazis that exist only in a plane of the subliminal–or the boogey-rapists and boogey-liberals that occupy the same nightmare–it was clear at one point, but with every appropriation, the finer details of a totalitarian dystopia of thoughtcrime and fealty to “the end”, are lost and now, if you squint hard enough, and if you’re an idiot, the Rorschach rage-blob looks like a pug doing a Hitler salute. Unfortunately, violence can’t beat that, and I don’t know what meme can.

Next, Nick Rekieta calls in to breaks down Asterios’ response to Maddox’s career-ending lawsuit. It’s worth noting that Nick’s Patreon, “Lawsplaining the Interwebs”, which was started solely to explain Maddox’s lolsuit, has now passed Maddox’s Patreon.

Denzel calls in with another story of sex and crying. Here’s the latest episode of Denzel’s podcast “Real Nerd Hours” a proud member of the C.U.N.T. Podcasting Network. You can see all the shows on our new website at cunt.media.

Danny Danger, Emma Abrahamsson, and Daniel Hansson send in an appropriately named song about a love letter to a broken relationship called “Gigantic Failure”.

And Hazencruz and KenDollinHide team up for “Rape List”.

The Dick pics!

Krash’s Nazi Pug.

And the Sean GIF I knew would happen.

A post shared by Dick Masterson (@thedickshow) on

Maxwell Kimball’s possible tattoo.

A post shared by Dick Masterson (@thedickshow) on

Thumbnail that there’s no fucking way Sean can’t beat off to by Andy Lee.

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