“CAVES NEAR SADDLEPACK MOUNTAINS.”
Come on man. Who cares what mountains they are? WHY IS THERE A PERIOD? IT’S NOT A SENTENCE
There’s sleeping hell monkeys and someone made it out of these caves, or of hell? I guess this was Sam? I forget. Legit, I need a “story so far”.
A hell monkey brushes off Isom’s punch. This should have gone the other way. Like, let’s root for the hero again. Emasculating
one hell monkey beat Isom and then a fog wolf appears and saves him? Hard to tell. Isom is losing his powers.
Goodying is talking. I know polymaths. He does not talk like a polymath.
“I saw HIS truck” SAY ISOM. SAY HIS NAME
Satan monkey sucked out their souls
Peakers? I guess Isom is a peakers. Why does everyone always know what is “beyond their understanding” in these comics? It’s such an un-heroic way to look at things. “You have a problem? Well it’s above my understanding…” that’s not how heroes act.
darren didn’t sell his club to this green eyed guy? Why is that here?
Isom’s parents are here, and it immediately negates the premise of the whole book by saying Isom’s sister is a drama queen. The whole reason Isom went looking for Jasmine is because his mom would be upset, whom we were led to believe was dead, or else why wasn’t she calling? And now the mom is saying Isom’s sister is neurotic. So why didn’t Isom know that and write her off? Because he is stupid is the only explanation.
They’re gonna rape Isom’s mom!?
okay, they killed Isom’s mom? This should have been in the first 5 pages of book #1
oh. she’s not dead, just had a chair smashed on her back. so she’s a super hero too. okay
why the fuck did Isom’s mom not go look for Jasmine herself if she’s a super hero? WHY DO THEY NOW NEED A SHOTGUN!?
MANY YEARS AGO
bro say how many years.
So some weirdo is sending a young isom into a barn to buy comics? non sequitir
wait young isom stole that guy’s comics?
why is isom wearing the same red shirt when he sees his parents. it’s been like 5 days
“MOMS” give me a break, Urkel
bro, this is the worst dialog ever written
Jesus healed their ancestor? Okay. So that’s where the powers are from? Like they were lepers?
Why does the dad talk to isom in such a weird way? That’s now how dads talk to sons. People’s lives are on the line. This is like a teenager borrowing the car for prom.
The farmer/employees are going to fight the hell monkeys? Why? WHAT IS THE REASON FOR THIS
the projexus slogan.
“The leading innovator in technology and advancements to improving the human condition and quality of life”
rolls right off the tongue.
There’s a lizard man attacking. Lepridio?
HE’S STILL IN THE RED SHIRT. after going home. it’s normal clothes. CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES
this dialog has to be read to be believed. Elon Musk is brainstorming with isom about how to attack Darren at his business meeting for some reason. I don’t know why. Because he’s “the bad guy”
“No matter the outcome, i’m not the hero. I’m solving this… alone”
This is the mindset Isom started with in the story.
a white oil tycoon is talking like a retarded gangster black guy.
“You brought your whole squadron with you, which I respect”
Isom is negotiating with a construction guy for his uniform to sneak into an oil area. Which is dumb because you can just buy construction uniforms. What he if had said no? YET ANOTHER STUPID PLAN. This isn’t like indiana jones making it up on the fly as he goes. Isom knew he was going to do this! This was the plan he cooked up with Elon Musk!
This isn’t how oil works. It’s a commodity.
Now Isom confronts Darren at the oil refinery during his business meeting directly, WHILE WEARING THE CONSTRUCTION UNIFORM DISGUISE. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE DISGUISE???
Okay, now Isom ripped off the construction uniform and said, “Call me ISOM” so I guess he’s back now? But I thought he had no powers anymore. Or is he in “stasis” or whatever that was?
Darren and the oil baron go from a hallway to behind a desk mid-conversation. Must’ve teleported. The oil tycoon is mad at Darren, but isn’t this whole thing his fault for having 1. shitty security and 2. an employee that sold access to the refinery? Why is he not pissed about this?
Darren shoots the owner of the refinery in the head. The same one he was buttering up to do business with. Now Darren is wearing the tycoon’s hat and smoking a cigar. You don’t own someone’s stuff by wearing their hat. Does it work like that in Texas?
Isom is fighting ten guys and says “This is a pointless fight.” Then runs away after a page of dialog
A lizard man attacks him. Isom’s butt gets stuck in a silo like a step sister stuck in a clothes dryer porno. A henchman shoots the silo and it explodes.
Now Darren gives another new bad guy glowing kryptonite shit that will “quadruple revenue and make an everlasting industry”. I guess that was the plan all along here? Steal kryptonite from the random oil tycoon and also his hat.
The giant black guy vilian Black Samson is now asking to get paid. I thought he quit last comic. Black Samson is making fun of the character design of the lizard man. I hate this meta shit. Now they fight for 4 pages. It’s pointless.
Jasmine appears and makes a forcefield. I guess she has super powers too. Black Samson walks inside the force field and talks to her like a family friend or an ex lover. very weird.
Now Jasmine says she can manipulate time?
Isom appears and fights the lizard man. No stakes because Black Samson was already fighting the lizard man and jasmine controls time, so who cares?
Darren pulls a gun on Isom. Not beating the stereotypes.
Jasmine turns on Isom? Why? Wait, Jasmine was working WITH Darren? that makes her an accomplice in multiple murders. And in threatening Isom’s sister. She is officially a bad guy.
Isom punches Darren and now threatens Jasmine to use her powers to help him. This is the second time Isom has threatened to assault women.
Now ISOM is monologuing during the climax. You don’t usually see the hero monologuing during the climax. Usually it’s the villain.
Isom breaks out of the forcefield and calls it a “silly trick”, but it was just stopping bullets, so not sure what he means. Then he says “catch street” and punches the street and everyone flies in the air like a video game. The street does not do that.
Now Isom is quoting the bible and pulling Black Samson out of a fire after I guess they teamed up? It’s unclear why he is there. Just bullshit about “employers’ and “contracts”.
now lizard man is transforming into super lizard man. And he’s attacked by a guy I don’t know. Some new guy just showed up because of “Lincoln”
the mystery man says “By the full authority of j sully ward, you’re being detained.” Is that who this guy is? Wtf is a J Sully Ward? Is it a man or a hospital?
days later, isom visits the parents of the girl who got killed before he quit.
“I’m so sorry. We should talk. Please come inside.” redundant and weird
THE DAD PULLS OUT A GUN ON ISOM??? LIKE WHAT IN THE FUCK?
This whole scene should have been cut. Isom could look at them from his precious truck and vow never to quit again. That is missing.
And Chadran is back in the jungle. The space Black guy.
NOTES
DIALOG
This is some of the worst dialog ever written. The characters have no distinct personalities or motiviations and they argue with themselves and go on reflective asides in every exchange. It’s difficult to describe because people don’t talk this way and nothing like it has ever been published. It would be cut or edited out. It’s impossible to keep track of conversations because every character is dumping out their entire thought process like an LLM every time it’s their turn to speak. I would describe the entire book as a series of partially connected monologues, not dialog.
There’s also way too much negotiating. There should be zero negotiating in your dialog. NONE. Beginners think it’s necessary for readers to understand the terms of every deal made in a story, but we don’t. We need to understand characters’ motivations. Betrayal, loyalty, and uneasy alliances, are instinctual and not found in the explicit terms of some deal. There was no negotiating in the Godfather, but everyone knows what happened. A horse lost his head. Similarly, the stakes should always be high and the characters should understand them. Isom buying the construction uniform from a worker is a great example. Two entire pages wasted on this, both characters speaking every part of their reasoning aloud, “I could sell this uniform to Isom, but I might get in trouble, but I also could use the money to buy a steak dinner.” It’s exhausting and mires the story in molasses. Just show Isom handing a fat wad of cash to someone in a wife-beater. Dude counts the money as he’s walking away.
90% of the dialog needs to be cut.
PLOT
The plot is non-existant. What is the plot in a single sentence? I have no idea. Isom needs to get his powers back? Maybe, but he do anything for it. He doesn’t face any dark truths about himself or make any sacrifices. He just re-commits himself to acting like a lone wolf and punches his outside gym equipment. He talks to his mom about Jesus, but I’m unsure what the point of that was. He doesn’t admit that he isn’t strong enough for some foes and that he DOES need help. No man is an island. That’s the story this was supposed to be, and ironically a good story to launch an entire universe of characters, but ego got in the way. Isom’s and the writer’s. Isom starts an asshole and ends an asshole. His only conflict is running into stronger assholes.
Speaking of assholes, what happened to Jasmine? She turned out to be a bad guy, sort of? It’s unclear. She didn’t need no man and in the end we find that indeed she didn’t need no man. She controls the power of time with a magical crystal a wigger oil tycoon had in his desk that Darren stole for her. It’s never explained why she was working with Darren or what her plan was. This was supposed to be the climax of the story. A rouge “Except” biting off more than she could chew and unleashing her powers at an oil refinery. Wow! Sounds exciting. But none of it is there. She argues with Isom, callously pushes him toward death, and then is threatened with violence BY ISOM into helping him. This story is written more like Maury than a superhero story. People acting like jerks and then accquiescing to eachother’s company.
STAKES
There are no stakes or meaningful conflict. In this story, characters only exist to advance the plot. Instead of trying to satisfy their motivations or work against some external force, almost all of the characters simply perform the function of exposition and then stop acting when they’ve “reached their limit”, which they all know implicitly. People don’t act like that. Heroes ESPECIALLY don’t act like that. It’s what makes them heroes. They try their best until something beats or kills them. Then they overcome their personal failings and triumph. String those elements together and it’s an arc. Add external forces with certain death or danger, and it’s a plot. But powering all of that is characters acting and thinking to the best of their abilities. For example, Lincoln Eusebio seems important, but he has no clear motivation or purpose. His dialog is sarcastic and evasive. Visionary CEOs are very specific with their word choices and the persona they embody. See Steve Jobs and Elon Musk, who I assume this is supposed to be. None of that exists in Isom 3. Every character might as well be the same pod person.
Everything in the book feels scripted and pointless. And for no good reason. When Isom is fighting ten guys and says, “This is a pointless fight.” This was the writer’s cue to cut the scene or trace back and add tension to it. Isom should have been gathering information on this secret deal in disguise. And just after he hears a critical piece of information, security notices him and fights him as he tries to get away. That is not a pointless fight then, it is a necessary one earned by advancing the plot through believable actions of characters working at the tops of their abilities. What we have instead is a “pointless fight”.
All of these things add up.
JESUS
And what ever happened to Jesus? Isom’s powers come directly from Jesus Christ, according to his mom. And not the belief in Jesus, but as the result of miracles Jesus performed on Isom’s ancestors. You’re telling me these characters have first-hand knowledge of the existence of God and heaven and everything else and they STILL act like this? Insane. Don’t half-ass Jesus. Either go in all the way or not at all. Otherwise, you get this discomforting mess. Isom doesn’t even pray. In a story revolving around death and hubris, and building a race of super humans I think—-biblical sins against creation and features a Christian superhero empowered by Christ and there’s no prayer?? Come on.
OVERALL
These things could have all been fixed. There are elements to a story here, but they were not utilized to tell a story, they were simply put on display by amateurs like spilled spaghetti. Half the pages could be cut and there would be no loss of information. That’s how bad the editing is. 90% of the dialog could be cut without suffering. It would read better! More naturally without all the crap. Respect your readers’ time. If they are spending their time with you slogging through noise and nonsense then you have failed. Cut stories down to the essentials. What IS this about? What is the critical information I need to put on the page to get this story across. Write down every character and their motivation and what they are going to do to achieve it. If it takes more than a sentence, start over. No one has time for it.
And no one should spend their time on this.