Dick Masterson, Author at The Dick Show

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Generation NARC, the Alcoholics Anonymous Auto Club, camping problems with my family, teachers don’t want to work, getting COVID or getting molested, Disney world is opening, my nephew busted sending wieners in the DMs, Women masturbating and sex, the problematic George Floyd transcripts, a nearly gay erotic story, Crippled Jesus explains his gambling system of “Downing”, JLP is the anti-MLK, Scrabble’s brand new bag of slurs, Bamm-Bamm’s Strong Weiner, and the WHO on masks; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Crippled Jesus Very insensitive.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Isaac Jackson Host of Chimpin' Out with Isaac Jackson.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
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The final three uncucked bonus episodes of “The Biggest Solution in the Universe” have been released at uncucked.dick.show, in which we cover: Steam Engines, Tapping Your Wallet, Deworming Pills, Batteries, Homeless Housing, Online Tracking, Pragmatism, Advertising, Meditation, Welding, Shoes, and Art. Download them directly, or subscribe to the feed and listen to the run of the show, the Seinfeld of podcasts, in chronological order for the rest of time! Or until the pandemic is over life goes back to normal. But which will come first? I know what my money is on. Enjoy!

But first…

Strong Wiener was just an ordinary man. A mild mannered wiener who was minding his own business one day trying to spend counterfeit CancelCoins at a government-approved cocaine store when he was pulled from his wiener mobile and beaten by a radioactive police officer.

“Not today, Satan!” Strong Wiener shouted and he threw out a racist “OK” hand gesture that went up to the sky and photobombed an inner-city magnet school’s class photo and he was super-powered in strength and manly qualities by the power of his respect for women and the love he felt for his community.

“Oh shit,” the policemen said. “Quick, check his car for weed because I need to get high as fuck.”

But it was too late. Strong Wiener grew a massive erection that kicked their ass and began to trend on Twitter and TikTok. Nurses were pissed because no one was paying attention to them. People were going losing their minds about it and hashtags were flying everywhere and Trump and everyone’s dad were disintegrating before our very eyes.

“I send too many fundraising emails and texts,” Trump shouted as he split into a series of smaller Trumps that fought over control of his phone. The little Trumps continued dividing until they became sub atomic particles that infected the coronavirus with transgendered quantum physics and turned half of America into a fundraising apparatus for the Republican Party.

Meanwhile, back at the police station, everyone was in a panic because drugs were going to be legal and everyone was getting out of jail.

“I thought we were done with this CHAZ shit,” an old detective grumbled while all the policemen around him were comparing dick sizes and talking about trigger discipline.

“Look we’ve got a major situation on our hands,” Kamala Harris said on a big screen TV with her public speaking coach. “Half of America has been infected by a Trump-mutated Coronavirus. The masks don’t do anything. And a giant wiener is tearing loose downtown and fighting injustice. You better think fast, or you’ll all be fired and then you’re going to have to sit at home and compare dick sizes for free.”

“Joke’s on you, you dumb bitch,” the detective said, “We have a union. Check this shit out.”

He flipped over a secret panel and hit a big red button and all the policemen started stripping their uniforms off and grabbing each other’s dicks and balls, getting two dicks in each hand sometimes and wiggling around and vibrating.

“We’re doing a Policemen’s Ball,” they said to each other like it was some kind of inside joke. “We’re totally fucked!”

The cops started to meld together and became one giant Voltron cop who burst out of the police station and breathed fire and ran down the street like a robot arresting minorities and taking an unlimited amount of shit from white women whom everyone hates.

“Read another book!” the Police Union shouted and kicked over their minivans and fucked up soccer practice. Everyone got arrested in a fog and got ticketed for bullshit as the giant Police Union Ran by and someone tried to get its badge number, but the number was like Cthulu where it would make you go insane if you tried to read it.

“This is the future liberals want!” Shaun King said, who is a white man pretending to be black.

“No,” said Strong Wiener. “This is the future America wants.”

But it wasn’t quite over yet.

“Hold it right there, Strong Wiener. You’re under arrest for getting your fuck on all day every day. Fuck you, and fuck this shit,” all two thousand cops who made up the Police Union shouted, and they started to fight.

Strong Wiener’s giant erection wrestled with the Police Union like it was a huge alligator, getting body slammed and pile driven all over town, wrecking black-owned businesses completely.

“Where the gold at!?” some idiot shouted, who was referencing an old meme, and then he was smashed by some cops Strong Wiener’s wiener had knocked off of the Police Union who turn back into regular cops when they’re separated from the larger hive.

It looked like Strong Wiener was about to win, so Kamala Harris did a satanic ritual in the basement of one of her maximum security prisons where all the guards were sleeping and suddenly, the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein floated out of the ground from hell. He was also gigantic. They were all the size of Mount Rushmore.

Strong Wiener started getting his ass kicked now. Jeffrey Epstein and John Podesta were showing him weird shit that was causing his dick to go weak and he was about to get killed by Jeffrey Epstein’s predatory financing.

“I hate pedophiles,” Strong Wiener said as he was about to be killed.

“Not like I do,” Jeffrey Epstein whispered into his ear. “I probably hate pedophiles more than anyone else in the world because a pedophile really fucked up my life and got me assassinated by Hillary Clinton–”

But before he could finish his thought, Jeff Bezos drove an Amazon delivery truck through the back of his head and it exploded, sending his little baby teeth everywhere.

“Did someone order a suicide?” Jeff Bezos said as he swung on a rope out of the delivery truck with a box and his tie fluttering in the wind. He was wearing a tan suit like Obama was that one time and no one said shit about it.

“Who are you?” Strong Wiener asked. His wiener now limp and shriveling up to a normal size.

“I’m Jeff Bezos, and I own America.” Jeff Bezos said.

“Can I get some police reform?” a black guy said who was in prison for selling weed.

“Sorry. Best I can do is some free MP3s. Now who wants some!?”

Jeff Bezos threw coupons for free MP3s all over town if everyone lost their shit and agreed to delay their Amazon deliveries until Friday so they could get the free MP3.

“That sucks,” the guy in prison said.

“Sorry, dummy. If you can’t do the time, check out Amazon Prime.”

Everyone was clapping and celebrating, but no one noticed the Trump-Corona virus sneaking behind their masks.

“I’ll show you emails,” the Trump particles said evilly and their eyes glowed gold like when you see the Federal Reserve for the first time in Die Hard 3.

To be continued…

“I Have Been in Sean” by thegrandwazoo42