FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
THE SUMMER OF INCLUSION! MARVEL COMICS SPREADS AROUND ITS RAINBOW OF DIVERSITY
Yes, it’s true…Iron Man is now a woman!
And she’s black!
Fan reaction was so strong to last week’s announcement of the new superhero Black Iron Man Woman that Marvel Comics has decided to launch an ALL-NEW SERIES of Affirmative Action Heroes!
Bruce Banner converts into The Incredible Hulk, and now, also Islam! He’s officially joining the religion of peace in an all-new comic, “The Islamabad Hulk.”
“You can’t spell Islam without “I Slam!” says Marvel EIC Axel Alonso. “We see this as a natural because they’re both very angry people. If my family was killed at a wedding by a bunch of Obama Drones, I’d fuckin’ shred my purple pants!”
And The Hulk’s famous catchphrase, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” has been replaced with, “You wouldn’t like me, because you’re a racist.”
But The Summer of Inclusion doesn’t end with us. We’ve engaged DC Comics as a strategic partner to get more totally outrageous kick-ass ethnic superheros, or “T.O.K.E.N.S.,” into comics. For example:
Superman is retarded now!
Krypton’s Last Son goes from “super” to special in an all new relaunch: “The Socially Relevant Adventures Of Superman.”
“Finally, a Superman that everyone can relate too,” says Geoff Johns, Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics. “When a Kryptonite bullet pierces Superman’s skull, he goes full blown retarded, and becomes a massive living burden on Metropolis. Readers are gonna have to contend with some tough questions: would I pull the plug on Retarded Superman? Is this what I signed on for? Why must both of us suffer?”
Added Johns: “Also, he’s gonna pull his dick out a lot. He doesn’t know that’s wrong.”
So get ready for this Fall, when “The Man of Steel” becomes “The Man Who Steals, Because He Thinks Everything Is His, Because He’s Retarded!”
But back to the Mighty Marvel Universe: Look out Magneto, there’s an all new Professor Xavier in town!
Thinking to yourself, “What could they do to him, he’s already crippled?” Well good news: now he’s got AIDS! Still crippled. Also has AIDS.
Switching gears, longtime industry partner SEGA Games is also gettin’ into the act! In the all new mobile game, “The Way-Out Adventures of Dr. Robotnik,” it’s finally revealed that Dr. Robotnik is an autism!
“He still captures animals, but only so he can count them,” says John Cheng, President of SEGA of America. “Dealing with Sonic wasn’t easy before, but now Robotnik’s not going to understand any of Sonic’s facial expressions. It’s a tough sich!”
So watch out for the rainbow colored puzzle piece bumer sticker, Sonic: this July, Dr. Robotnik’s going after all seven chaos emeralds! Because he needs to own every kind of rock, or he’ll scream!
Disney’s longtime strategic partner Universal is bringing back Quantum Leap, with a twist: Sam is now a Mexican in a wheelchair! Oh boy!
“We’re still not sure how this is gonna work,” says Quantum Leap 2.0 showrunner Donald P. Bellasario. “Does the wheelchair leap with Sam? Or does Sam, say, leap into the body of Elvis and immediately collapse to the ground? Does Elvis have to go buy a white patent leather wheelchair now? Find out this Fall!”
But Sam’s not the only one making a change. Now, whenever his holographic partner Al references Ziggy, he adds, “Who By The Way, Is Black.” And the physical manifestation of God who ran the bar in the final episode is now a trans Asian woman, just for the lulz.
Whether you’re an old fan or new, the Quantum Leap relaunch is poised to open up a whole host of new storytelling possibilities. Just Imagine Mexican Wheelchair Sam Beckett leaping into the body of Lee Harvey Oswald, nailing JFK, then poppin’ a wheelie!
But this campaign of inclusion begins and ends with Marvel. This summer, Black Panther is being turned into the most disenfranchised minority of them all: a low-income white male applying for college. If you thought the White Wolf was bad, wait until the Black Panther has to battle White Privilege for the opportunity to take on tens of thousands of dollars to get a BA in I Can Write a Paper, only to face his true arch nemesis, The Baby Boomer who won’t retire.
For more on The Summer of Inclusion, visit Twitter.com/Marvel, and Make Mine Marvel!