Episode 37 – Dick on Skating

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The war on white people, Dr. Manhattan’s dong, drunk children, a Shangri-La of hot, available women, a parade of the awkward and a life spent trying not to hurt people, Clegg blames me for everything, violence in bars, stories from the trolling front lines, The Enigma rides again, more pieces of the Goss puzzle, and threesome Barry defends himself; all that and more this week on The Dick Show–and if you didn’t get enough, this show descends into chaos during tomorrow’s bonus episode!

My Life Coach
A brewer and a patriot.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Asterios Kokkinos
Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Women who try to pressure you into having kids.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
David Clegg
Just woke up, co-host of Fight Night with Clegg and Kimball.
Asterios, Me
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

Based on the listener reaction to my presentation on cables from last week’s episode, I’m starting to think we need some kind of national support group for men and their precious cables.

The struggle is real. We hate our cables, but we need them, and we’ll fight til we’re burger if anyone tries to take them from us. It’s time to admit we have a problem, but first…

What if I told you I knew of a place where hot, available women hung out en masse for inexplicable reasons and loved every second of it? A place where there are no distractions, where cellphones are banned, televisions were never invented, and where it takes effort to leave. This is a place where short-shorts are the rule, not the exception, where everyone is locked willfully into a perpetual state of exercise like a giant golden human-hamster wheel, senses marveled by light, mind focused by sound, while the continuous beating thud of human motion of lays a big, fat pipe across the limbic system. In this world, fresh beats elicit cheers of carnal nostalgia. And best of all, your only competition are children and weirdos. There are no rockstars.

Now imagine a sick porno re-mix of the Twilight Zone theme. Fellows and gentlemen, welcome to the Bone Zone.

As I understand it, the Quaran tells of a paradise with 72 virgins and a never-ending succession of talking pigs like Babe: Pig in the City, who thank you for not eating them in their life. But as Belinda Carlisle tells it, heaven is a place on Earth, and I have found that heaven on Earth at your local roller skating rink. If you didn’t think a grown man going to a roller rink was creepy, wait until you hear this episode!

Look, I’m not saying you should Disco Stu up your whole life, buy a pair of $50 roller skates, a $600 pair of silly pants, and button rhinestones up and down the inside of your dick, but do check out your local place where two dozen single women hang out if you’re stuck in a rut, and if I know anything, it’s that we’re all in a rut.

Then, it’s a Valentine’s Day miracle as David Clegg wakes up on time and calls in to promote his new podcast Fight Night with Clegg and Kimball. I think we got scammed on this one as what was supposed to be a boxing match between Sleepy Clegg and Maxwell “The Silver Hammer” somehow turned into a podcast. Oh well. Violence can’t win them all. I will admit, the boys have an interesting format. Each episode, they bring in a topic and then argue that topic from opposing sides. Here’s to 107 episodes!

Clegg also makes a valiant attempt to protect my personal and professional reputation by lying and implying about shit I did that Maddox told him in confidence–like he’s telling his closest fucking friend, but if I’m honest, the thrill is gone. After this last year, I’ve learned something. When someone tells you they can’t say something because of this or that reason, they’re lying. There are no sources or proof or credible narrative, there are only lies and implies said to make you feel something you otherwise wouldn’t based on nothing, no proof, no evidence, just the potential of both that you’ll lose access to if you don’t play your cards right. The feeling of missing out is mankind’s greatest fear. All advertising is based on it.

We make decisions based on how well slogans rhyme and how hot the girl is in proximity of said decision. If we don’t get the thing, we lose the girl.

Next, Hazencruz calls in with stories from the trolling front. Here are the complete results of the Dickscord’s trolling initiatives as mentioned on the show. I saw it happen live and it was funny as hell. They used to say, you can’t fight City Hall, but I think that saying needs to change in this modern age. You can’t ignore the Internet.

More trolling on Imgur and 8chan.

The Enigma calls in with more of his trademark Enigmas and then gets his friend Asterios Kokkinos to help piece together a Goss Timeline. I have plenty to say about it, but you’ll have to listen to the episode to hear it.

Clegg’s Theme, IAmARealCleggarian by f1ng3rsmusic

Todd Seidel’s Enigma Rider.

Outro re-mix Sex in the Ocean by ACIOU.

And thumbnail based on a Graphic Novel by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.