The Dick Show

Episode 60 – Dick on Nazi Pugs

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Larry Bleidner, Count Dankula

(The Dick Show Theme plays)


Dick: Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you want Dick, you love Dick. You got it! It's the show where everything is a podcast. (pause)

Sean: And a podcast.

Dick: Coming... coming to you live, (Sean laughs) from a mountain bunker in a city of failure. I'm your host Dick Masterson. With me as always is Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello Dick.

Dick: (yells) Hey what's up buddy! Joining us today, special... special guest appearance by Buffalo Bill the news... newsbabe. The greatest news- the second best...

Jamie: (laughs) Second best.

Dick: ...newsbabe in the biz.

Jamie: That's me.

Dick: Jamie Lynn Hughes. I think you are... I was hoping you'd be ranked, like number two overall.

Jamie: Uh-huh. Number two.

Dick: Under... I think Kian Magaña is on top on the board on the website.

Jamie: I'm pretty far down actually.

Dick: You're pretty far down?

Jamie: (laughs) Yeah.

Dick: Are you number two when it comes to women?

Jamie: (laughs) No.

Dick: Are you number two when it comes to people with three names?

Jamie: Uhhh. I don't know.

Dick: Maybe. We've got a Mark David Christenson up there with three names.

Jami: I think I'm above him. He may be either right above me or right below.

Dick: Oh my god, that’s... that's too bad. That's far down. Are you breaking... are you above Cernovich? Are you above Mike Cernovich?

Jamie: I don't think so.

Dick: Contentious guest.

Jamie: No, I don’t think so.

Dick:You don’t think so? You're under him? Uh oh. Well good luck today.

Jamie: Yeah i know. (laughs)

Dick: The coldest, I gotta add. The coldest studio, I was hoping to say... the coldest studio in Los Angeles but I think I already fucked that up.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: We got... I brought in an air conditioner to stop the, uh, to stop the disgusting amount of sweating like I'm a luchador while conducting this podcast for anybody watching the video. It's a man soaked in sweat... in an underground bunker. Worse than... I think that when they told Hitler that he was losing the war... probably sweat less than me every week, just coming up with things to be pissed off about.

Sean: yeah

Dick: I thought we would stop it. I got the finest... I've put together... I put my mind at a 100% to try to fix this problem, you understand?

Sean: As only you can do.

Dick: Sean.

Sean: The rest of us 52% I think was what you capped out on last week.

Dick: I tired hard. I really tried hard.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And what i ended up with is a-

Sean: aneurysm? (Jamie laughs)

Dick: Yeah, an aneurysm and an air conditioner with, um, cardboard boxes, and tubing, and that floppy tubing taped onto it.

Sean: I see the Amazon Prime box.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Amazon Prime boxes.

Sean: Taped around where the duct comes up.

Jamie: He didn't half-ass this at all.

Dick: I used my whole ass for this.

Sean: A 100%.

Dick: And this is what you end up with. Something that looks like a child assembled it to make a robot costume with the help from his drunk dad.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Who is himself half-assing it.

Sean: We have the ‘A.W.E.S.O.M.-O’ version.

Dick: The ‘A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000’ air conditioning unit for the Dick Show studio.

Sean: Yeah. It is blowing the, uh, no step on snek flag though.

Jamie: Ooh.

Dick: Fake.

Sean: Eh.

Dick: That's how you know it's faked. Blowing.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Dick: Um, but you know we'll see. I guess somebody measured the sweating that goes on in the studio.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Okay... tell you what makes me a rage this week. We’ve got a guy calling in later in the show who is... who is going to jail because he taught his dog... he taught his girlfriend’s dog how to give a nazi salute.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. He recorded it, put it up on youtube... the dog just making a little joke, you know?

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Now he's going to jail.

Sean: Oh, we have to talk about this.

Dick: Yeah, he's gonna be calling in. I think Asterios and WarOfTheFanboys are on too, to talk about cat-gate. I'm not sure.

Sean: oh really?

Dick: Yeah, I know Asterios is.

Sean: Are they... are they friends at this point? (Dick sighs) Frenemies?

Dick: What is a friendship really? It's just two guys commiserating over being wronged by the same woman. (Jamie laughs) What better friendship is that. Now It’s Asterios and-

Sean: So they've both been wronged by the same woman?

Dick: I mean, I don't know. Kind of.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Is it like she's... she’s... they’re... they're both disavowing her.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: She's calling both of them out.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Dick: What... what... what better could there be than that?

Sean: Well... (pause)

Dick: You don't know.

Sean: No.

Dick: No, you don't know.

Sean: I don't.

Dick: Alright, uh, I'll tell you what makes me a rage. We went to... we went to the symphony this week. Check this out! This is kinda cool. There is... you can go watch the symphony practice in, like, normal clothes for free on Thursday at, like, 9 in the morning.

Sean: You... did you go to the Disney?

Dick: No, the Hollywood Bowl.

Sean: Oh you did, okay.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: ‘Cause they’re do... yeah they have the, right, LA Phil.

Dick: Yeah, yeah .

Sean: Yeah, they have their things, you know all summer long in-

Dick: It's weird watching them play in normal clothes.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't like it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, eh, you guys could dress up for this, still.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But when I’m... when we're there, they got everything... they got everything roped off because the big spenders can come and they can sit wherever they want. But if you're one... if you’re one of the poor people, or the people who forgot that there would be access for people that are big donors and just forgot to say 'Yes I am.', like me.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: Then you get to sit in the little cattle pen area, where you are fucking surrounded by children and chattering asian tourists.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: It is like playing a game of minesweeper. Going to enjoy a nice... as soon as the tuxedos come off these people it is all access... not one... not one manner to share among the entire herd. At this event.You're sandwiched in between chattering children who just want to go home. Because there could be absolutely no reason to expose your kid to a practice simphony.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right? What are they getting out of this?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Absolutely nothing! Then you’ve got behind us... I've got asian tourists constantly, constantly chattering, like, as big as the stereotype was in the 80s they, they, they, saw it and they're, like, oh yeah, that's what we should do more of!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Taking pictures so the fucking guys come over and tell them not to take pictures, which they see going on around them all the time.

Sean: It's probably all family and friends of, like, the first violin. Or, like, they-

Dick: And they stuck them be- no!

Sean: A lot of asian string players in the LA Phil.

Dick: (speaking over Sean) ‘Cause then they'd be up... they’d be up with the rich people. But they're back with us!

Sean: That's true.

Dick: I don't know what you have to talk about during a symphony. Nobody knows what's going on. There's nothing to talk about- Nobody knows who's what... nobody knows what it's supposed to mean, it’s just a symphony. Something that... it's just something that everybody listens to, to feel smart. (Sean laughs) Not one person is... not one person is getting anything out of this, which made me think now, whenever people start talking about music, like, pop music. I'm only gonna talk about classical music. Like the biggest asshole on Earth.

Sean: Yeah, derail.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's a good idea.

Dick: As soon as they bring it up. Hey, uh, so i don't know... give me, Jamie, you're into music. Give me something musical.

Jamie: Uh, like pop related?

Dick: Anything.

Jamie: Fetty Wap.

Dick: Fe... what's Fetty Wap? (Jamie laughs)

Jamie: I don't know, it’s something that I hear people talk about all the time, I don't really like that kind of music, but, um-

Dick: Ah you know i don't like, baroque music.

Sean: Mm.

Jamie: Broke?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Mhm.

Jamie: Baroque?

Dick: Baroque.

Jamie: Oh, Okay.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Too... too many notes in my opinion. Not enough legato. (Jamie laughs) The themes... the themes don't develop quickly enough for my taste.

Jamie: Oh, I see.

Dick: They're too simplistic, yeah. All I'm gonna do. Anytime I hear anybody say anything about music. I'm just gonna be-

Jamie: Just the most pretentious-

Dick: Oh, every... every fucking time. I'm gonna go reasearch classical music for the rest of my life-

Sean: Just-

Dick: Just so I can reference it. I'm gonna listen to it obsessively so I can... I'm gonna make myself love it, so that for the rest of my life I can just talk about it with, like, a fake superficial passion.

Sean: Did you see that movie ‘The Other Guys’?

Dick: What's that?

Sean: With Mark Wahlberg and the-

Dick: I loved that movie.

Sean: I know, it's a great movie.

Dick: It's funny.

Sean: The trailers were fucking awful, like, they-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They made it seem like that was such a dumb movie all these cliché lines and stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It was fucking funny, but, like, he... he learns to... Mark Wahlberg learns to dance, so he can make fun of the kids who dance.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Sean: Yeah, and he, like, dances incredibly you know.

Dick: I'm gonna do that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna... I mean, like, part of me thinks that I just learned to play music at all, just to, like, just to shit on it. Just so when people say how hard it is... just, like, it's not that fucking hard. There's nothing magical about it.

Sean: Well...

Dick: (interjects) Don't listen to this con artist. But nobody believes you, if you don't know how to do it! So you gotta know how to do it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You understand?

Sean: (stammers) Well it lends you credibility a little bit, but then-

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, depends how good you get.

Dick: At knowing about music?

Sean: Just depends how good you get about playing about it...(corrects himself) playing it.

Dick: Eh, I promise. I'm gonna get real good about knowing about it.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: That's all I'm gonna do. I'm gonna dedica... the rest of my life I'm gonna read about it

just so... just so in that moment... just to ruin a conversation at a party. So I can step in with my classical music knowledge.

Sean: I admire your dedication.

Dick: Which i know none of right now.

Sean: No.

Dick: I'm just making it up. All that shit I've said to you is all just made up. I have no idea if it's true. All I know now is what I've learned from watching ‘Amadeus’.

Sean: Oh! Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. The kids man. They really ruin a-

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: But don't you think that those are the... parents who are trying to be kind, bringing their kids to the one during the day and not to the actual...

Dick: No, I think they just... I think they're the type of moms that needs something to do, and that they're always cramming experiences down their kids throats. But those experiences cost everybody...

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: ... a lot.

Jamie: I think if it was me, I would rather see them at the free performance than the one that I paid to get in to.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: ‘Cause I have seen... I have read a lot of people complaining about children...

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: the orchestra.

Dick: Really?

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Where you read that?

Jamie: (embarrassed)‘ChildFree .

Dick: Fancypants Magazine?

Jamie: ChildFree on Reddit. (Laughs)

Dick: One of those magazines that tries to convince people not having kids is a good idea even though everything in their body wants to do it?

Sean: Strings and snobs dot com.

Dick: You ever see those things? Like 'why being childfree is so great' and it's got, like, two, like, the beautiful man and woman in their late 30s just, like, with the biggest smile in the world that says, like, ‘I'm not... I... I didn't make a mistake’.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's the whole... ‘I didn't... I didn't waste my fertile period this is... this is exactly what I want. Look at all these things I have’. You ever see those articles?

Sean: Yeah, sure.

Dick: There's a lot of them.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Dick: That's weird. It creeps.... it makes me feel bad for not having a kid when i read those.

Sean: Eh.

Jamie: Really?

Dick: Like, I'm, like, I don't wanna be one... like, just looking at the stock photo picture of that couple and I’m like, I don't... I don’t wanna look like that. Like, I don't wanna... these people are happy.

Sean: Iit looks really sell-y.

Dick: That... Yes! It looks like a sales add.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And it's written in, like, a magazine but it looks like a fucking ad. When I look at it I’m, like, that's a stock photo, this is a branding message... I wanna see people who are miserable.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: That’s what I want.

Sean: Real people.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: If anybody says that they're happy it's not real.

Jamie: You know-

Dick: It's not a real thing.

Sean: I never believe them.

Dick: No!

Jamie: -I think that these articles about people trying to explain why it's okay that they've done this why it's a good thing, trying to...

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: ...overcompensate. Make everyone believe that they're happy.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: For me it's not necessarily about that. It's more like-

Dick: What do you mean, for me?

Jamie: -What I... because I don't wanna have kids.

Dick: You don’t wanna have kids.

Jamie: But it's not about what i want to have from it, from the ‘not having them’, it's what I don't want to deal with in my life. (whispers) Screaming.

Dick: Which is ruining people’s symphonies.

Jamie: It's the screaming.

Dick: Screaming.

Jamie: And it's the mess, and...

Dick: Larry told me that you don't mind when it's your kids.

Jamie: Well...

Dick: That's what he told me.

Jamie: That's a really big gamble.

Sean: Larry has... Larry has kids and it's too late to abort so...

Jamie: That's...that’s a big gamble.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: To just be like 'oh i heard that-

Sean: No it's probably...

Jamie: -It's cool once they're yours'.

Sean: I have no idea.

Dick: I dunno.

Sean: It does seem like-

Jamie: I think once they are yours, you have to believe that.

Sean: It does seem like people... I've seen people have kids who you go ‘there's no way they'll put up with having kids’ and somehow they put up with having kids and you're kind of amazed at, like, their patience and-

Dick: Feels good to be miserable.

(Sean sighs)

Dick: You know? If you give... if you show me a picture of this... of that childfree and loving it. Like, and you're selling me a timeshare with this fucking ad versus, like, a, uh, promo poster for like ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ and Hal, the dad from ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ who looks like he wants to eat a bullet. I'll pick that guy.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: I wanna be that guy.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: I don't wanna be this stock photo couple.I don't know why. It's something wrong with it. I don't know, maybe it's just me but still, we gotta hurt these people with these kids who are bringing them in. That's why... I think that's why they made smoking illegal. Because of the kids, right? ‘Cause all that we have to do to get rid of them is just turn smoking in b... everywhere back on.

Jamie: Mhm.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Lets get it going again. No one's gonna take their kid to a bar or a restaurant where you can smoke at.

Jamie: Well, you'd be surprised.

Dick: Oh, those would be the worst kids too.

Jamie: Mhm.

Sean: They'd probably-

Dick: Shit.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. I don't know but it was... it was miserable.

Sean: They'd probably take on an instrument just so they could shit on music.

Jamie: You know what you gotta do is, you gotta give them the side eye and the big (fake sighs). And then wait a couple of days and somebody would be writing about you on their mommy blog.

Dick: You think that would work in LA? Side eye and sighing?

Jamie: No. But it would give you a good laugh out of their angry mommy blog over it. (imitates an angry mommy who blogs) “This guy.”

Dick: You read mommy blogs?

Jamie: When they’re angry... wel,l yeah I get a kick out of them.

Dick: How they get pissed of?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Um let’s see... I'll tell you what else makes me a rag- Bluetooth.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: Man, you try to connect a bluetooth thing to anything...

Sean: Mm.

Dick: ...and you are gonna have a bad time. Anything. Speaker, car, ...

Sean: Mouse.

Dick: ...mouse, anything.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: And it's to the point where if I see wireless on something, I just know to discount whatever that feature is...

Sean: Okay.

Dick: ...’cause it's never gonna work. The bluetooth never... it's an endless succession of rebooting, rebooting and then starting over and rebooting in a different order. Why? Why is it like that? Walkie-talkies... works every time. In-out. In-out. In-out. It's fun. A child can use it. Nobody can use bluetooth! The guy who invented it can't even use it.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: Can't connect I to shit. That's what happened to religion in this country. We don't have time for it anymore because we're spending hours every day praying that a device works, so that you don't start having a sweat soaked breakdown in front of your family and friends.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: ‘Cause it's not working. Let me just... hey guys let me just show you this- Yeah, of course it connects to your phone. Of course you can play this music, of course you can play music through your speakers from your phone. Check this out. Bluetooth. (‘wrong’ sound) It's not working. (deep sigh) Oh well just don't mind me, I'm just gonna have a breakout of failure sweats over here. Please god, please let this bluetooth fucking thing work.

Sean: As other people start gathering around-

Dick: To help!

Sean: -to try to help, exactly.

Dick: Don't look, don't look at it- (Jamie laughs)

Sean: Four people around a fucking iPhone trying to go to the right preference.

Dick: -don't look at it!

Jamie: Your ears are getting hot because you feel the breath. And you’re just-

Dick: Stop, stop looking at my thing! Everyone knows why' it's not working. ‘Cause these things never work It's not my fault. It's not my fucking fault. Please, god! Everytime.

Jamie: What you need is an aux cable.

Dick: Here we go! And this is what makes us hate each other. ‘Cause you start hearing shit like that.

Sean: Bringing solutions.

Dick: Ah! What you need is an aux cable. That’'s what I carry around, like, no, what I need is a club, a billy club so I can smack you with it. I'm doing this for you.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: That's why I'm doing this. For your enjoyment.

Jamie: But if I were an audiophile I would say that the sound is better anyway though an aux cable.

Dick: You need an aux cable!

Jamie: Yeah and you.

Dick: If you want it you need to carry it around. Oh let me see here.

Sean: So you can choke yourself with it.

Dick: So you can choke yourself with it, yeah. What else do I got. Um, Jamie dropped a dog.

Sean: Oh yeah?

Jamie: (laughs) Oh my god.

Dick: In Ojai.

Sean: Dropped a dog?

Dick: Dropped a dog-

Sean: In Ojai?

Dick: - I’ve never seen that before.

Jamie: I did.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Straight out dropped a dog.

Sean: Just dropped a dog.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I have to know more.

Jamie: it was a terrible moment.

Sean: Did the dog? How did the dog react.

Jamie: I just wanted to hold it.

Dick: Terri... The dog was traumatized. Uh this lesbi-

Sean: Hang on what kind of dog?

Dick: I don't know-

Jamie: It was like a little fluffy-

Dick: -A very cute-

Jamie: -it was a puppy.

Dick: A very cute puppy.

Sean: All squirmy and stuff.

Jamie: Yes.

Dick: Yeah but not that... nah it wasn’t that bad-

Jamie: It was probably like six months old. Like, a white german shepherd almost.

Sean: Oh.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: This lesbian couple thought that they hit the jackpot.

Sean: Now it bites.

Dick: ’Cause Jamie ran over there.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Ran up to them and said ‘Oh-

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: -can I touch your dog?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And they're like ‘oh, yeah’ they're like, luring her in with this dog. (Jamie laughs)

Sean: Right.

Dick: Holding it way too low.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't know what lesbians want touched but i imagine it's the same thing that we all do.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: So Jamie lunges out like a venus flytrap and just grabs, sinks her claws into the dog and yanks it out of their hands. The dog starts freaking out... the dog instantly-

Jamie: Didn't wanna be-

Dick: -instantly was the awareness that not only did it not wanna be there, but it had no idea how to get out of this situation.

Sean: Oh no.

Dick: Because it was held... for some reason Jamie was holding it by the hips like a ballerina. Like when you hold... like don't put baby in the corner. That... the dance that Patrick Swayze in, uh...

Sean: There’s too much weight on top.

Dick: Yeah. The reason they practiced it for so long is ‘cause it's difficult to do, but not for Jamie. (Jamie laughs) She goes right in and stabs at the hips of this puppy.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Grabs it and the puppy looks at me. I was there.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The puppy looked right at me and is like...

Sean: Help.

Dick: Mother of god. What have I... what have I done.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I was like, yeah this is the first time that you... this is the first time you're experiencing this, right?

Sean: Mm.

Dick: This tremendous fear and disappointment.

Sean: Get used to it.

Dick: Get used to it, buddy.Like, I saw... I saw the... the first emotion. The first time this creature had ever had this emotion. I saw it. First.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Like, form behind its eyes. Terror.

Sean: Is this before or after its... its cranium hit the concrete.

Jamie: Oh it didn't, I saved him.

Sean: Oh, you did?

Dick: No, I saved it.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Dick: It went... it started wriggling like a serpent.

Sean: Mm.

(Jamie laughs)

Dick: And for some reason... I don't know Jamie if you were putting all your mental effort into grabbing the dog and loving it. (snaps finger) her legs dropped out like a puppet.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like a marionette.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Jamie: I was trying to make sure he did not hit the pavement.

Dick: She's like an outfielder, right? In the world series trying to... doing anything to catch this ball, when they don't have to fall down but they do just because they want their entire body to be the glove. You know what I'm talking about?

Jamie: (laughs) Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Where it's like you could've just caught it, but they're just being so careful and collapsing like a crumple zone. Your entire body was a crumple zone for this dog that's wildly freaking out.

Jamie: Everywhere.

Dick: You cushioned the blow.

Jamie: I did.

Dick: Like one of those big inflatable things they have in... I never... have you ever seen one of those... the suicide jump- like i guess...

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: ...have you ever seen a fireman pull one of those out?

Sean: Um...

Dick: Like in ‘Lethal Weapon’ where they've got that big pillow?

Sean: I'm trying to think if I've ever seen one in person. I mean, yeah I've seen it on TV a lot.

Jamie: They're a myth.

Dick: Are they a myth?

Sean: What, what do you mean?

Dick: I've never seen one in real life.

Sean: No I've never seen one in real life.

Dick: I've never seen, like, a suicide jumper. There was one... I thought it was gonna be a big deal. All these people jumping off buildings and all these cops coming out and, like, talking them down. I thought this was gonna be a big deal when we grew up but I've never seen it once. Never seen it one time.

Sean: I've never seen anybody trying to talk down a suicidal person.

Dick: Yeah what a rip off.

Sean: Huh.

Dick: They should set it up.

Sean: I'm sure it happens.

Dick: Just for fun. If those guys jobs exist i would think they would be paying people to go up there and, you know, just to prove they've got something to do. Anyway that's what I've felt like, with you saving that dog.

Jamie: See? I told you I saved him, not you.

Dick: (laughs) I mean... okay. (Jamie laughs)

Sean: What did the lesbians do?

Dick: Oh, they were horrified.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah... like and I felt happy about that ‘cause I thought ah-ha! That's what you get. That's what you get for thinking with whatever you've got to think with. If I walked up to you and said “Hey bitch give me that dog.” and start stabbing at it you would say “Get the fuck away from me! You sweaty weird man, we don't want anything you've got.” Jamie walks over and they're like “oh of course a fellow woman what could... this is the... this is the sisterhood. Here, of course you can touch our dog’ (starts making noises) “njah-njah-njah” (Jamie laughs). They were horrified.

Sean: Ahh.

Dick: They were horrified, right?

Jamie: And then I just laid in the grass ‘cause I was so just desponded over that.

Dick: Yeah. And then they went to... the they went to eat next door. They walked in and sat down and shielded their eyes so they didn't have to look over.

Sean: Yeah, kept the dog... kept themselves between the dog and her.

Dick: I know... you know they had a fight about it later.

Jamie: You think so?

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Jamie: Why?

Dick: Because-

Sean: ‘Cause one of them was more eager to let you pick up the dog.

Dick: - Yeah, ‘ cause one of them was like “Why did you let that bitch hold our dog? You... I bet you wanted to whatever.”

Jamie: “You just wanted to look at her...”

Dick: “You just wanted to scissor the shit out of her or something like...” You know that they were having...that they're having that fight right now, probably still.

Sean: Probably broke up over it. There’s a custody battle for the dog. One of them is gonna kill the dog now.

Jamie: I would go get him.

Dick: Oh my god.

Sean: “If I can't have it, nobody can.” The dog is dead you killed a shepherd puppy.

Dick: When ‘80s girl’ was getting her restraining order. The paperwork... it had multiple sections for, like, dog custody.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: There were multiple people...

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: the waiting room for the custody of the fucking dog.

Sean: I'm sure.

Jamie: I get it.

Dick: You get it?

Jamie: mhm.

Dick: Would you fight for custody of a thing? Okay, the women are nodding their heads.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: What would you think about a... what would you think about a guy who's fighting that.

Jamie: Makes sense.

Dick: Just give her the fucking dog. What are you... this is a real... this is a real thing that we're paying for... so people can squabble over custody of an animal. Sean.

Sean: Yeah, people get animals together a lot, I guess.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Yeah, smart. My brother in law got my sister a dog. Multiple dogs.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: he really... he really tied her down like Gulliver...

Sean: Mm.

Dick: ... in the lilliput land with those dogs, those Christmas puppies.

Sean: I remember those dogs.

Dick: How are you gonna leave a Christmas puppy?

Sean: Do they have dogs now?

Dick: They've got one dog.

Sean: They've got one? Is...

Dick: He's a spaz. You know...

Sean: Aren’t they-

Dick: Man, I got so mad at my sister ‘cause this... this dog... they got... they got this Labradoodle...

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: ...mix. Which is like a... it acts like a-

Sean: Well, the original labs are dead now, right? Those... the ones that I’ve known from... yeah.

Dick: Yeah, yeah they died.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah they died to this... this heartworm medication. It really sucked...

Sean: I heard that, no both... both... both of them?

Dick: ...they moved and they both... they both got knocked out right away

Sean: Both of them, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: One was... I mean one was probably... he was older anyway wasn’t he?

Dick: One was older so it didn't seem weird, but then the next one was fine.

Sean: The next one, yeah, yeah.

Dick: and the next one uh, I don't know this was kind of sad. The next one... they lost the next one the day my neph... my second nephew was born.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, dad came home from the hospital and the dog was out.

Sean: Yeah, and it was the medication right? Some kind of class action suit or recall on that or...

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Dick: And weirdly that nephew runs around and barks. He runs around on all four and barks a lot.

Sean: Like his soul was...

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: His soul went into the baby.

Sean: Yeah, well that can happen.

Dick: So that's nice at least.

Sean: It's been studied.

Dick: Um, no they got a new dog. It's a Labradoodle. It looks like a horse with fur.

Sean: Has he stopped pissing on the couch yet?

Dick: (sighs) That thing... I don't know if it's just living in like, a house of insane people with kids-

Sean: No, no, I mean the kid.

Dick: The kid? No.

Sean: The kid who barks.

Dick: No. He still... he still does that.

Sean: Okay, yeah.

Dick: But that dog's gotta be so fucking keyed up, so it's one of... it just barks...

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: it barks nonstop. Outside. Inside. The second they put it out and I don't know if like,

my sister is like, dead to the noise of barking just because she's in such chaos all the time...

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: ...but the last time I was over there I had to just... I had to shout until... I had to shout at her until she got physically on the phone on Amazon and ordered one of those barking collars.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause it was driving me insane. Like you were having a... in my... my usual techniques of you know logical and impassioned, uh, stating my case in the form of shouting... in the form of passive aggression wasn't working.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Every time... everytime I'm in a conversation over there. Every ten seconds. (dick barks twice)

Jamie: Mm.

Sean: Barking at anything, or what?

Dick: Barking to come in... I don't know, they bark for attention. Like, that’s why they bark.

Sean: How old is it?

Dick: Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter to me. It’s fully... it’s full sized.

Sean: Oh mm.

Dick: Full sized but it still runs and acts stupid.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: So however old that is.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Two? One?

Dick: I don’t know but....

Sean: Could be any age.

Dick: ...the barking was nonstop so my...

Sean: she's desensitized to it. Kids, noise.

Dick: You hear this?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You hear what’s going on here?

Sean: Tuned out.

Dick: You hear what's going on here? Yeah well every time it's... yeah, well, what are you gonna do... yeah, well, you know... I’m like it's driving... it’s driving everybody insane.

Sean: Those other two dogs were really well behaved.

Dick: They were. Because they got raised with no kids around!

Sean: Right.

Dick: So they got plenty of discipline and attention.

Sean: That's true.

Dick: But that man that kid-dog. Tt's just like sacrificing a dog to the gods, like “oh ho-

Sean: Yep.

Dick: -we got kids let’s bring in a dog.”

Sean: There goes a fucking feral animal for 15 fucking years.

Dick: Here comes, here comes a fucking tinder for this kids to torch with their intention and turn and scramble their fucking brains.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I finally just had to go “Hey! Right now! Right... right the fuck... right now! I don't want later. This doesn't have to be a conversation. Get on... get the phone out and order... order the thing. I wanna see it! Open your mouth! I wanna see that you've swallowed this pill that I'm giving you. ‘Cause this is gotta stop! This shit.

Jamie: Did you say it was a Labradoodle?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They’re really popular.

Jamie: That's why it’s barking, it's the doodle part.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: That’s...

Dick: That's the insanity part?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: The doodle?

Jamie: Mhm. The poodle part of it.

Dick: Well science has got a cure for that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm the asshole!

Sean: Electricity.

Dick: I was the asshole for whatever amount of time.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause everybody would just sit with it. But the problem got fixed.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: That's all that's important.

Sean: Oh, oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: We'll see if it will bark right through it tho.

Dick: No, they don't.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: They don't. They stop right away.

Sean: Remember, you and I were drunk one time at my brother, er, my sister in law’s house.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: This was before they were married, but we put that thing on. We were barking. (Jamie laughs)

Dick: Yeah, it was great!

Sean: We were barking together and it would shock us.

Dick: It was funny.

Sean: Yeah, it was funny.

Dick: And I didn't wanna bark anymore. After a couple times.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I put-

Sean: It gives you a... you notice it, I mean you know it's there. You know it's-

Dick: especially drunk.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And I've got to think that being a dog is kinda like being drunk all the time.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, so it's gonna not quite understand what's going on but it'll know that, uh, yeah.

Dick: Everybody loved it. But now, like, despite this...

Sean: Yeah, yeah we were kind of a big hit.

Dick: ... anybody... anytime somebody says “Oh it’s cruel...” like, I've been zapped by it plenty of times.

Sean: Yeah, we did it intentionally.

Dick: It's fine!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It was no less painful than any other interaction I've ever had with anybody in my life.

Jamie: Yeah.

Sean: Right.

Dick: It's fine!

Jamie: I've never worn one of those but I did trip over one of the electric fences that people line their fences with to make sure their dogs don't dig out.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: I did trip over one of those one time. When I was like 14 years old.

Sean: Oh, yeah!

Dick: And you got zapped?

Jamie: Oh, yeah. I mean it wasn't that bad.

Sean: No, no, no.

Jamie: It sho- it like, surprised me.

Sean: I grabbed one as a kid.

Sean: (stammers) They put them on top of... you know, like, cow pins and stuff like that to...

Jamie: I feel like if people can spank their kids, I can put one of those-

Sean: Oh it doesn't hurt as much as getting spanked.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Did you get spanked?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: As a kid?

Jamie: Uh-huh.

Dick: How often?

Jamie: Not that often, I was a good kid. My little sister was the one who was...

Dick: She got spanked all the time?

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Did it work?

Jamie: I think so. I think we turned out pretty well.

Dick: Yeah I mean, but is it because of the spanking?

Jamie: I can tell that for me-

Dick: How old were you when you... I wanna know how... how... how much I’m allowed to think about... How old-

Sean: Yeah well you-

Jamie: Too young.

Dick: When was the last time you got spanked?

Sean: 26.

Dick: (high pitched voice) 18.

Dick: (normal voice) Oh, wow! 18! That’s cool!

Jamie: Too young.

Dick: (disappointed) Ah, fuck!

Jamie: I can tell you that it was like a... like a different deterrent for me that I didn't wanna do anything bad ‘cause I did not want-

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: I mean so would getting your arm chopped off though, right? That would be a pretty big deterrent.

Jamie: That's a little too intense.

Dick: Yeah?

Jamie: I don't think you gotta go that far.

Dick: I didn't get spanked, you got spanked?

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: My parents didn't even tell me no.

Jamie: Really?

Jamie: That's not surprising...

Sean: Not surprised at all.

Jamie: ...I'm not surprised at all.

Dick: They had... my mom had some weird book.

Sean: Mm, yeah.

Dick: About, how you shouldn't tell your kids no.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: So what did she tell you? Did she reframe the question...

Sean: Pro... like she tried to tell you to like do this instead?

Dick: (interjects) No matter what, she said great job.

(in the back of the studio): Oh my. (Sean and Dick laugh)

Sean: Great job!

Dick: You nailed it! Good job.... I don't know what she said.

Sean: I totally believe that.

Dick: I bet she... I bet knowing her, I bet she like, had an explanation...

Sean: Let’s do this instead.

Dick: ...for, yeah. I bet it was something like that.

Jamie: So it wasn’t something sarcastic, like, yeah, sure.

Dick: No, no, no, she read, yeah... her parenting was all sarcasm.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: So she... if I was screaming she would come over and be like “I really love that you just keep screaming like that.”

Sean: Mm.

Dick: That was her.

Jamie: That would be me.

Dick: That was her whole... “I really... hey son it's really, really great that you wanna show off how gymnastics you are in this restaurant. Keep doing it. ‘Cause everybody lov- everybody doesn't hate you right now.”

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: “While you're climbing over booths.”

Sean: Just filled you with this total sense of confidence.

Dick: Yeah. “It’s really... those crayons must really be delicious. You should keep eating them.”

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: I think I just figured this out.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “Oh, yeah. Take a... take a bigger bite.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “Take a bigger bite that won't get caught in your throat.”

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: “Take a bigger bite of watermelon you fat shit.” (Sean laughs) That's the opposite of my mom, she would never do that.

Sean: No.

Dick: Sarcastic parents.

Sean: (stammers) Feed a kid watermelon. What kind of parent feeds a kid watermelon.

Dick: No they... it's like crack for them.

Sean: I know.

Dick: Oh, they can't get enough.

Sean: I don't like watermelon.

Dick: Me neither.

Sean: Yeah. Raised properly.

Dick: ‘Cause it feels like you ate nothing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Um let's see what else do I got here. I got stadium... Oh net neutrality hysteria, you in on that at all?

Sean: Uh, is it... has it ramped up again?

Dick: Yeah man I think we're just in a permanent state of net neutrality hysteria.

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Like it's... if you go on... you don't get a bigger reaction as being a complete racist as you do if you go against net neutrality online.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Or not being like 100%. Yeah even though...even though uh... even though nothing... nothing ever happened because of it. Like, we're living in a world where bad things happen all the time, every day for reasons. And everybody's keyed up about net neutrality over things that have never happened. Like getting your precious, crappy internet blocked. Like, well, you know, there's this... I got a list of times that this has happened. Like, dude, that you have a list should let you know that it's not a big problem. That you've got a list of items ‘cause there's other shit that’s going on that you can't even make a list for.

Sean: I think for the stuff that's already gone on. I think we just accept that. Once something starts happening it's like, well we're used to that now.

Dick: Well one in 6 kids is hungry every night, eee that's fine, but we gotta... we gotta keep our terrible internet, the slowest internet in the goddamn world, “free”. Drives me insane. The hysteria over net neutrality. I don't even wanna take a side. It's enough to not take a side. It's enough to make people hate you, to not pick a side. And that's usually a bad sign. Are you wit- are you for- fur us or again us?

Sean: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: I don't really know ‘cause it's kind of a huge complicated issue and then there's like, a lot of be... there's like a lot of money involved and a lot of corruption involved. Wop! He's a witch!

Burn him! You're either for us or against us. I don't know, man. You're kind of asking me a lot. I'm not real happy with my internet as it is.

Jamie: It's exactly why I shrugged when you asked me because everything is so complicated now and in order to have an opinion on anything you have to-

Dick: (interjects) Is a lot!

Jamie: -spend your life just in your phone, yeah.

Dick: Researching and researching!

Sean: Well and I think there's a lot... yeah there's a lot of muddied waters you have to parse through.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And it’s like, people intentionally muddying waters on, lots of issues.

Jamie: I feel like I cannot trust anything, anymore.

Sean: Well, that’s-

Dick: No.

Sean: Well, you're not alone in that. That’s the... polls are showing that a lot of people are feeling that way about a ton of issues that probably should be more cut and dry than... than they are...

Jamie: (interjects) And it makes me fucking tired.

Sean: ...because it's just like you've got groups...

Dick: (interjects) It does. It does make me fucking tired.

Sean: ...everybody's... everybody’s got an agenda, and it makes you wanna check out. Makes you wanna tune out.

Jamie: Yeah. I think I have done that. I've tuned out of political like, anything where people are getting pissed off over it-

Dick: (interjects) And that's bad because you're smart. (Jamie sighs) And so are you.

Sean: I think a lot of people are... I think a lot of people are tuning out just going “I just need a break...

Dick: (interjects) The smart people are.

Sean: ... I just need a break.”

Dick: I just need a break ‘cause I'm... I’m maxed out on trying to unravel these christmas lights.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I'm fucking maxed out.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: And if I see... if I see another... if I see one more person trying to jam a cord in and tell me that this is my... this is the same bundle of lights I'm gonna fucking kill them.

Jamie: Mm.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: And I think that the reason it’s the smart people is because we're the ones that actually think about things that we hear, we don't just hear them and accept.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, you and Sean are.

Jamie: Just me and Sean.

Sean:(laughs) those who use 52% of their brains.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: It's exhausting.

Jamie: It would be less exhausting if you just heard it and just parroted it back. You know, platitudes.

Dick: (sighs) Yeah, we need computers to start doing it.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: They need to start thinking about this stuff. It's too much.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: It's way too much.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Even... even this one. Even this one. Like, you've gotta start as soon as... as soon as you open the floodgates on what somebody actually thinks it is. Net neutrality. And what they think the fix is, what the problem is, who they think is gonna fix it. You find absolutely nothing.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Like, this is... you didn't... you don't know anything. You don't know anything about what you’re talking about, why are you so pissed off at me for not just agreeing. Like, is this how... is this how you live every day? Is this what you... calm down. For fucks sake, calm down. Stop just throwing links at me!

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: That's what arguing online about anything is! Just throwing links! I'm coming right up! We've gotta get this train of lies on the track!

Sean: Man, I cannot-

Dick: Here's...Go. What?

Sean: I cannot imagine arguing online. Like, you’ll argue online right?

Dick: Only with sarcasm though, like, I only argue online to make people feel bad.

Sean: Your mom taught you that.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: And I used to enjoy arguing about things online. All of the joy is gone now.

Dick: It is, it is. Um, like aspartame. Aspartame, uh, what are they? Alarmists?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right before the show Jamie tells... Jamie you had me convinced this weekend to never drink diet Coke again.

Jamie: You shouldn’t.

Dick: Well yeah, but then Sean brings in a diet Coke and I say “Jamie says it’s poison.” and Sean goes “Nah, that's a myth. It's the most researched substance on the face of the planet, it’s fine.”

Sean: It's probably the most researched food product.

Dick: And I think... what is... well who the fuck am I supposed to believe, a professional bodybuilding bikini model nutritionist personal trainer or you? (Jamie laughs) Who knows everything. What the fuck man? How are... and number one. I don't know which one of you... I don't know... I know both of you have done tons of research on this. I know both of you wants me to not... I know both of you wants me equally to enjoy life and not die. And I have no... and I have not the capacity to understand either of your arguments. The second you went beyond - you Jamie don't do it, and Sean do it. The second you started throwing out sucrose or...(stammers) uh, this is it! This is my stop! Now I just... Now I just have to believe the one with the bigger tits. cuz that's how life works and I still don't know... and I'm still unclear on that one. Everybody take your tops off! (laughs) Do you see what I'm saying?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't have the ability to tell which one of you is right.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I fucking don't. You can send me links all day. You can both send me dot truth links all fucking day.

Sean: No dot truth links.

Dick: And I would never know.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Never know.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Your reason. Aspartame is the most researched shit on the planet. Makes sense to me. Your reason. It's poison and it's been influenced by big business so they can keep showing it down our throats. Makes fucking sense to me.

Sean: Mhm. Yeah.

Dick: So what?

Jamie: And who is paying for all that research?

Dick: Jamie you don't have to over egg it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I know what you're saying. Both of these realities make perfect sense to me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It exists, has been researched, probably fine.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: You know where you can find your answer?

Sean: It's a fermented substance.

Dick: And then Jamie.

Sean: It's like Worcestershire sauce or beer as far as...

Dick: (breathes out) Look at him... look at this... look at the way he's selling- making his case.

Jamie: He's calm.

Dick: It's the two things I love.

Sean: It's approved in...

Dick: Worcestershire sauce and beer.

Sean: It's approved in more than a hundred countries. Possibly the most studied food product of all time.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Sean: All the... all the world health organization type... all the governing bodies...

Dick: Okay.

Sean: ...and such, have found that it’s fine in the levels that we...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Sean: It's basically amino acids.

Dick: Okay stop! Stop! That's my stop! I cannot proceed further.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Because I don't really know what those are.

Sean: Yes you do.

Dick: I know the idea of what they are, but I don't know if amino acids are good or bad. Scientifically.

Sean: yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: If I'm being honest.

Sean: Somebody-

Dick: Oh amino acids... yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course.

Sean: I remember seeing one thing on a site where they said, oh you know that it breaks down in formaldehyde in your system.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And then it was followed up by a research that said, oh yes, that's absolutely true. And you know what else breaks down into formaldehyde in your system?

Dick: Water!

Sean: In six times the amount? Fruit juice.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: And that doesn't matter, because your body turns that into amino acids anyway.

Dick: See how he's confusing it with all the science? Why is it bad?

Jamie: Well I would say part of it has to do with a misunderstanding between what's good in moderation and what's good as a part of an-

Dick: (interjects) Fuck.

Jamie: -everyday habit-

Dick: I don't want to be guilty of misunderstanding anything.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: -or in your coffee, or in your protein shakes. There’s aspartame in most protein.

Sean: You shouldn't be... you shouldn’t be drinking soda in the quantities that I do.

Jamie: But it's in so many other things.

Dick: Like what?

Jamie: Like, like protein shakes. If people are trying to get in shape they're gonna pick a protein shake that has a low carb count, and they're drinking it every day. Maybe twice a day.

Dick: Twice a day?

Jamie: Yeah to try and get healthier.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: And now it's become-

Dick: (interjects) Should Denzel be doing that?

Jamie: Not with aspartame.

Dick: Drinking protein shakes five or six times a day?

Sean: Mm. (laughs)

Jamie: I mean two times a day is pretty common, like, say, you've got a meal replacement and then, like, a post workout drink but you know that's the kind of thing where somebody is drinking it multiple times a day, every day. Just like a soda or coffee.

Dick: I can't do it anymore. I can't focus on what to eat. I can't focus on what not to buy, that's

killing me. I just can't do it. I just wanna drink. I need a computer...

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: give me exactly... or I can just pick on the thing. Are you a big fat slob? No judgment. Are you... just pick it. Are you a big fatso? Are you trying to get into shape? Are you trying to pretend you're getting in shape, but you're not? Are you an alcoholic? And then you just pick which one you are, and it gives you the correct amount of nutrition. I need it.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I can't listen... I can't listen to these arguments anymore. About high fructose corn syrup.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And aspartame...

Sean: Cane sugar, corn sugar.

Dick:... and carbs, and bread, and corn.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: So is this the same computer that is gonna be telling us what's okay politically?

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: Okay.

Dick: Is that what I said the other computer does?

Sean: The same one.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I need a computer. (Jamie laughs) I trust a computer more than iI trust a bunch of assholes on reddit.

Jamie: But it depends on how you set up the program to decide what's good or not.

Dick: I need two computers then. (Jamie laughs) I need...

Sean: The first computer to set up the other one.

Dick: ...yeah. I need a... I need one designed by the Koch brothers and I need one computer made by the Huffington Po- It's fucked, but that's the only way it's gonna end up, is with (stammers)

Sean: Yeah, polar opposites.

Dick: Bunch of different corporations.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: But it works. Linux works.

Sean: Yeah?

Dick: Runs the whole fucking internet.

Sean: I guess so, huh?

Dick: And it's made just by people.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: Works perfectly. Keeps everything online, never... never gotta reset it.

Sean: Oh, no shit?

Dick: Uptime a million years. It's fine. We need it though. ‘Cause it's I think that's where we waste so much thinking time, is on arguing about politics. I think so.

Jamie: And aspartame.

Dick: And aspartame. And thinking about it and like, planning these... I just wanna go into my computer, like, hey I need an... I need an argument about aspartame please. And it just spits out like, oh yeah, okay, okay, got it. Got it. I don't wanna look anything up anymore. I'm so tired...

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: ... of like, I need a... I'm just gonna... I'm not gonna argue with my lifecoach anymore. I'm not gonna argue with Asterios anymore.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: I'm just... we're just gonna have these Tamagotchis that you put your values into. Yes, no. And then when you meet with somebody you just touch them, like the old Tamagotchis and they fight, they argue for you. And it's like, uh, Asterios had a lot of points but they were mostly, like, blubbery liberal bleeding heart points, and you, you won the argument logically and I'll say “Okay, good.” (Jamie laughs) But it's, like, but it cost you! You gained points in like Machiavellian soullessness and you lost points in humanity. And I was like, uh, okay, maybe Ineed to adjust my values.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: And Asterios will get his and it's like, you're a cuck. (Jamie laughs) Your cuck score has increased by 5 points, but you... your... your, like, experience of dealing with a conservative Tamagotchi...

Jamie: You gotta be careful, because one of your Dickhead top autists is gonna build this program.

Dick: This will save the human race. I'm not joking! This... this device, this argument avatar, where I never have to think about an issue again. It's just Yes-No questions like that stupid graph with the... with the politics where i try to... I always try to cram it over in libertarian right as hard as possible even if I don’t believe it. Like, ah! I know that's the libertarian right that’s it! Yes, yes, yes! Yeah, I would never do that!

Jamie: One thing I've learned about this fan base is, you better be careful what you wish for.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: What do you want?

Jamie: I'm just saying about you, asking for these miraculous programs.

Dick: That device will change the fucking world. Seriously. It's just a little guy, and you can customize it to look like you. Maybe you look like a little cooler version of you.

Jamie: Always.

Dick: Like a 25 year old version of you. You know, not you of course.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You get more beautiful every year, but guys like... well guys like me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Not Sean either.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You look good too.

Sean: Eh.

Dick: You get bigger. You got broader shoulders every year.

Jamie: Vampire.

Dick: Look at those arms. Like a muscly vampire.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: What is that guy that I came up with? That bro-vampire who just lifts all night. He gets up out of his coffin and just starts benching, and I mean why don't vampires ever lift? They're full of blood. Right? (Sean laughs)

Jamie: I don't know what you’re talking about.

Dick: Vampires, they never lift weights.

Jamie: No, I mean this bro-vampire. I don't know what this...

Dick: Like a straight vampire. A vampire who behaves like a straight man.

Jamie: Oh.

Dick: Instead of like Liberace.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: Just gets up and he lifts and plays Call of Duty. With his bros. With other gu... with a bunch of, like, guys on the eastern hemisphere.

Jamie: Alright.

Dick: ‘Cause he's got no friends up at like, 8 in the morning on this side of the Earth.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: He's the loneliest vampire. ‘Cause all of his vampire buddies are just doing gay stuff, like, they go out all night wearing goth shit.

Jamie: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: He's just at home in like a Megaman T-shirt or ripped off sleeves with american flag.

Jamie: He does seem like the coolest vampire.

Dick: Lonely though, very lonely. Anyway, let me see what this Count Dankula guy has to say.

Sean: I hear breathing.

Count Dankula: Hello Dick, can you hear me?

Dick: Hey, Count Dankula. What's up man?

Count Dankula: Hey man, how’s it going?

Dick: Good. Hey it's very late for you, isn't it?

Count Dankula: Uh no, not too bad. It's eight o'clock at night, that's not too bad.

Dick: You're right. I don't... I don't understand how time works in the world to be honest. (Cound Dankula laughs) I just assume that anybody who has an accent is... it’s like midnight for them.

Sean: He's in the UK right?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I would-

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Sean: I would assume. Are you Scottish?

Count Dankula: Yes, Scottish, man.

Sean: Okay good, I'm glad I’ve said that right. (Count Dankula laughs)

Dick: Alright.

Sean: Because if he was Scottish and I said something else then, you know, he’d take offence.

Dick: You'd look like a real asshole.

Sean: I'd look like an asshole. Like I don't know my accents.

Dick: Alright Count, um, I think I wanna play your... play this video that you've made.

Jamie: Please ‘cause I haven't seen it.

Dick: Because, yeah, a lot of people haven't seen it. We’re gonna... I'm gonna put it in the video feed when we get this episode out.

Jamie: I love the way that you have titled this.

Count Dankula: Yeah. (laughs)

Jamie: This spelling.

Dick: So can you just... can you give a quick description of what we're about to see just, um, I don't know, to give it some context for everybody.

Count Dankula: Um, it's basically a case of my girlfriend, like, loves our dog more than anything else on the planet. Probably more than me.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: And she constantly goes on about how cute, and adorable, and lovable he is (Dick laughs) and I just thought it would be hilarious to pass it off by turning the dog into one of the most horrible things that I can think of,which is a nazi.

Dick: (laughs) Yeah.

Count Dankula: So I... just to annoy her. So I taught it to react to certain phrases that the nazis might say and I also taught it the nazi salute.

(Sean and Dick laugh)

Count Dankula: Just for the purpose of annoying her.

Sean: I haven't seen the video and this is already my favorite thing on the internet.

Dick: Yeah, alright here, here. I'm gonna play it. It's like 2 minutes long. Here you go. [starts the video]

Count Dankula: Girlfriend is always round and raving about how cute and adorable her wee dog is and so I thought I would turn him into the least cute things that I can think of which is a nazi.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Buddha, should I gas the jews?

Dick: Uh-uh.

Count Dankula: Should I gas the jews? Gas the jews, son? Do I gas the jews?

Dick: He's a little pug.

Count Dankula: Do I gas the jews?

Sean: Fucking pug.

Count Dankula: Come gas the jews. Come gas the jews, son. Do I gas the jews? Do I gas the jews?

(the dog makes noises)

Dick: So what-

(video game theme in the background)

Count Dankula: Gas the jews?

Jamie: I hear Mario Kart.

Dick: I hear Mario Kart. A little Mario.

Count Dankula: Jews.

(all laugh)

Dick: [pauses the video] The dog perks up. What did you train it to do when you’re talking about jews, just jump up?

Count Dankula: Yeah he thinks it means treat. So he thinks he's getting a treat whenever I say it.

Jamie: Oh my god. (Dick cackles) (Jamie laughs)

Dick: So you brainwashed the dog into thinking the jews means treat. So if, anytime- (Dick laughs)

Count Dankula: The term we like to use is re-education.

Dick: Of course it is. Is there more here? Yeah. [starts the video]

Sean: Wait does he salute?

Count Dankula: Yeah, he salutes.

Count Dankula: Do I gas the jews?

Dick: (laughs) He perks right up. (Hitler’s speech plays in the video)

Dick: Oh no. Now he's watching the Hitler's speech.

Sean: He's watching a rally.

Dick: A little pug.

Count Dankula: Sieg heil. (Jamie and Dick gasp) Count Dankula: Sieg heil. Dick: Oh my god.

Count Dankula: Sieg heil. Sieg heil.

Dick: [pauses the video] Okay, he is... (Sean laughs) On sieg heil the dog does a full on arm raise. Well everybody knows what it looks like, but it's basically the same as shake hands for the dog right?

Jamie: But he's holding it.

Count Dankula: It used to be a ‘give me a paw’, I just simply altered the process.

Dick: Yeah you just re-educated him.

Sean: Yeah and he's doing it- his elbow is not bending at all. You know some dogs, like, their wrist or their elbow bends.

Dick: Look-

Sean: It's like straight out.

Dick: It's perfect.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I mean for what you were doing, you did it very well.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: What, what the hell happened? I see this video that you've put on youtube has got 2... about 3 million views. What the hell happened to you after this went up?

Sean: Is the dog on trial currently? It's ready to be...

Count Dankula: The dog I'm afraid is not on trial. Even though he's the nazi.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Count Dankula: You know I haven't, I haven't done anything. You know he's the... he's the one with the horrible views. (laughs) What happened was, I actually uploaded the video but it didn't really... I just uploaded it to my channel, I only had about, like, 8 subscribers all people that I knew, they were all my friends.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Sure.

Count Dankula: And then I was actually going to Iceland for a Fanfest and it wasn't until I went to Iceland that some random person, I don't know who it was, posted it on reddit and it ended on the front page of reddit.

(Dick laughs)

(Sean cracks up)

Count Dankula: That's how it sort of happened, like, on the first day I went to Iceland, like, as soon as I got to Iceland I went out, got drunk, didn't connect to Wi-Fi, or anything like that.

Dick: Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Count Dankula: I didn't know that while I'm in Iceland, you know getting drunk and stuff that the

video was blowing up by com. (Dick laughs) And so...

Dick: What were you drinking?

Sean: It was like ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou?’ where they come in and sing the song and it's like a huge hit they don't know about.

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Count Dankula: But the thing was, like, it wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and connected to the hotel Wi-Fi that I went-

Dick: Oh my god.

Jamie: Oh wow.

Count Dankula: -why do I have so many notifications on my phone? (Sean cracks up)

Dick: Did everybody hate you? Like, did they think it was-

Count Dankula: No.

Dick: No? They thought it was funny.

Count Dankula: Yeah, everyone thought it was funny. The only people who didn't find it funny was the press because you know, anything that they can sensationalize and turn into something horrible, you know, they’ll do it.

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Count Dankula: I know that but what happened was my girlfriend contacted me and said, like, that the reporter was at the door.

Dick: Oh.

Count Dankula: And, like-

Sean: Wanted to talk to the-

Dick: He wants to interview the dog.

Sean: - the dog, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Oh yeah, no this was... the thing is they came and they were saying stuff like, oh you know this has caused quite a storm and we want to tell your side of the story and we know you're a nice guy and we want to-

Dick: And it's all a trick, it's all a fucking trick. They just lie, they're the biggest scumbags in the world. The press.

Sean: What do you mean ‘side of the story’?

Dick: Yeah, all they want to do is trick you into giving them quotes, that they can post out of context. Well what did... I mean, what was your experience with them?

Count Dankula: Oh that was exactly what they did, like I've never dealt with the press before so I was... you know I was... It was a bit naive on my part to actually trust anything that they told me.

Jamie: Oh no.

Count Dankula: They ended up just using uh, complete hit pieces, they were even trying to, like, trying to make it out that I actually was a nazi. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Oh yeah, yeah. Sure.

Count Dankula: They just... yeah, they're really... really a bunch of snakes (laughs) if I'm being perfectly honest.

Dick: Yeah, no, be perfectly honest because the more people distrust the press the less power they have. Like, they're just car salesmen, the only reason they exist is to sell ads.

Sean: Correct. It is now. (stammers) It didn't used to be i don't think but-

Dick: When you see them, fuck with them. That’s it. Just give them all bullshit, waste their time, do anything you can to fuck with the press. That's what I think. ‘Cause they're trying to fuck with you. They see people as machines that turns... that turn attention into money.

Sean: The press and journalism is absolutely embarrassing.

Dick: So what happened?

Sean: So embarrassing.

Dick: Well wait a minute, what did your girlfriend think of this prank, first of all?

Count Dankula: Oh, she was fucking furious. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Okay, so mission accomplished. Well done. It's funny because it's a pug and she has like an unnatural attachment to this thing.

Dick: And the pug's got, like, this dead eye look-

Sean: What’s his name?

Dick: -as it's going... as it's doing the little salute.

Count Dankula: His name is Buddha which is the thing that makes it a little bit ironic is you know that the swastika actually kind of originates from Buddhism?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That sounds like something a nazi would say actually, I don't know about that.

Count Dankula: No, but yeah, she didn't find it funny at all. It actually took her a few days to kinda, like, you know, forgive me. (laughs)

Sean: I see.

Dick: Did you do it in secret or was she in on, ‘cause there's a couple ways you can do this prank. You c... you tell her upfront of what you're going to do and she can't stop you, because you're... because of the strength of your will. That you know you’re gonna train the dog, or you

train it in secret-to do this and you just spring it on her one day and she realizes that you've been doing it the whole time. Which way was it?

Sean: Yeah, when she casually drops a sieg heil in a conversation.

Count Dankula: I did it in secret.

Dick: You did it in secret?

Count Dankula: Yeah, I just kinda like invited her into the living room and just said, ‘Hey, wanna see something cool?’ (all laugh) And then I did it in front of her and I’m laughing, but she's just looking at me with these cold dead ‘you fucked up’ eyes. (Dick laughs)

Sean: And this was when you had the Steinplatz over for dinner right? Had them over for dinner and showed them your parlor trick.

Count Dankula: Yeah the thing that's really hard though is... I've trained him to do it it's really hard to untrain him to do it.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: And he keeps doing it now without being asked. Like, see, if you're just sort of sitting eating your dinner, he thinks if he just walks up to you and salutes.

Jamie: Because he wants whatever it is you taught him to do, that, yeah.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, as it turns out, yeah.

Dick: So you are a man. So what happened to you, like, um, what happened to you after the reporters got done flaying the flesh from your body?

Count Dankula: Well the thing was, I was telling Iceland, like, I was just wondering around Iceland and people would, like, recognize me and stuff and wanted pictures with me and I was making Facebook posts, just sorta having digs at the press.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: And the thing is, my Facebook has always been set to private because of a psychotic ex girlfriend.

Dick: Okay.

Count Dankula: But what ended up happening-

Dick: What did you train her dog to do?

Sean: Yeah.

Count Dankula: This is the thing, the press was somehow getting access to my Facebook and getting access to posts that I've made, so obviously someone who was one of my friends was, like, giving information to the press. But I made a comment, something like, ‘oh, people keep coming up and asking for pictures with me. Really strange since, according to the press, apparently I've offended every single person on the planet.’

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Like, that was... that was just like, the sort of a dig I was having at the press. The press then took that comment and ran this whole story of 'nazi pug man now thinks he's a celebrity' and I was like, when did I say that? (Sean laughs) They were just... it was just a really salty, just amateur response...

Sean: Nazi pug man.

Count Dankula: the Facebook post that obviously upset them. It ended up, they were just writing stuff about me in Iceland. I just enjoyed my vacation in Iceland and then I went home and then a few days after I got home I got a knock at the door, and it was the cops. And then the thing that happened is, they came and, like, they were, ‘Oh, I assume you know why we're here.’ And I was like, ‘I've got a pretty good idea.’

Dick: No! So this is, uh, I mean, in Scotland you would... is this normal for them to just show up if you've offended people?

Count Dankula: Oh yeah, we've got people in jail right now for sending mean tweets.

Jamie: Noo?

Dick: What the fuck? Jail?


Sean: Incredible.

Count Dankula: Oh yeah, there's people that have actually been thrown in jail for sending mean tweets or mean messages over Facebook.

Dick: Now, is jail, just so I understand the country. Is jail like, a cool fun time where you just get to have drinks with your buddies ‘cause in America jail sucks.

Count Dankula: Oh no.

Dick: No? Ok.

Count Dankula: And Scottish prisons are pretty much like American prisons except with a lot less rape.

Dick: Well that's the worst part, I mean otherwise it's just working out with some dudes. The rape is...the rape is the only deterrent for me about prison.

Jaime: Yeah, oh.

Dick: I'm dead serious. Many fine books have been written in prison. I could do this show in prison, acoustics might be a little shittier.

Sean: Well, what are you gonna do, you have some new material so it'll offset.

Dick: I'll just trade some of my commissary shit for some moving blankets and I'll pad my cell.

Sean: Yeah, exactly.

Dick: Maybe acoustics will be better.

Sean: Who knows?

Dick: We could get you in there, we could do this over that phone.

Jaime: Yeah.

Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Midnight Express.

Sean: Yeah, exactly.

Dick: Sean, just show me your tits.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Um, okay so the cops show up and say ‘You know why we're here.’ And you say 'Yes?'.

Count Dankula: Yeah. They just sort of came and just went so explain... explain to us a little about what happened and then just as a matter of fact explained to them. I wanted to piss off

my girlfreind so i taught the dog the nazi salute and stuff. I thought it was quite funny so I recorded it all, uploaded it to my personal, like, YouTube channel but I thought just in case anybody sees it, I would give a disclaimer of, I've done this to piss off my girlfriend. You know I'm not a racist, I'm not anti semitic this was purely just to piss her off. Take out of context.

Sean: It’s a joke.

Dick: A fucking joke, everybody.

Count Dankula: And then as soon as I explained that to the police, the police officer just so matter of fact uddered into me and says ‘Well we're here to arrest you.’ And my actual response was just a...

Sean: Are you serious?

Count Dankula: Okay? And like the thing was, like, the press had tried to come to my house in the days leading up to that but they just got told to, you know, fuck off.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: And I haven't seen press in the street for days, but then when I got led outside in handcuffs. They handcuffed me.

Dick: Oh my god.

Count Dankula: You know, ‘cause I think they had to make sure that, you know, when I was going out, I wasn't going to make another offensive meme. So they had to make sure that I was cuffed.

Sean: You were arrested for what?

Count Dankula: The act I'm being charged under is the offensive communications act and but it's classed as a hate crime because it was targeted against a minority apparently. Even though the butt of the joke was nazis and not jews but, you know, try telling the cops that. And then when I got led outside, there was shitton of press waiting to take pictures of me.

Dick: Of course, ‘cause you wronged them by not kissing their ring properly. Is it, like, so this, I mean(stammers) if you weren't a huge internet sensation I don't think you would've gotten arrested for this, is that fair to say or does it work differently over there?

Count Dankula: At the time I was no one. At the time I had like, 8 subscribers and stuff like that. No one really cared.

Dick: But the video was out on the reddit frontpage...

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: ...before you got arrested right? That's what I mean.

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: So is there like... like, how much of this is you're getting fucked just becasue you got famous on the internet and made somebody look bad. Like, the press has, like, the feeling of, oh this is a...I hate this girl ‘cause she didn't want to date me. Like, so I... that's how I read it they're writing shit about you ‘cause you won't just come out and give them a bunch of jerk off emotional material for them to print so they just get meaner and meaner ‘cause it sells more. It pulls more clicks

Count Dankula: I've actually seen some of the press that actually wrote some of the articles about me. They just continued lies. One of them actually managed to track down my mom and dad’s phone number and proper harassed them with phone calls, trying to get a statement.

Dick: Damn.

Count Dankula: I think she... she called members of my family each of them several times. Trying to get a statement and I actually invited her to my YouTube channel to do a live stream, saying I want you to try and defend the article and you harassing my family.

Dick: Who did that?

Count Dankula: Her name was Xantha Leathem.

Dick: Xantha Leathem?

Count Dankula: Xantha Leathem, yeah.

Dick: Ok.

Count Dankula: And I've tried to...

Dick: Just for my records.

Sean: Right.

Count Dankula: I've been emailing them just so you know, the offer is still up but she just keeps ignoring me, because I think she knows that all this stuff she wrote is complete lies and I can

disprove it all immediately. One of the Facebook posts she took out of context that she got of me was, when I said 'Release the nazi pug video and then fled to Iceland haha' like, that was one of the posts.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: That was before reddit, that was before anyone even knew about the video. That was me talking about my girlfriend because she was pissed. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: And they tried to, she tried to spin that in me, releasing the video, realizing the outcry that it caused and then I fled the country. Even though this trip was booked like, 8 months before like even had the video.

Dick: Oh it’s crazy, like, anyone is fleeing the country after they drop a YouTube bomb. That's insane.

Count Dankula: Yeah it was just absolute misrepresentation just to make the story sound better. The article was just absolute, complete lies. In my eyes she's not a journalist. She's a schoolgirl making up rumors and gossip. That's all she is.

Dick: I'll tell you man it's...

Sean: There's not much of a difference anymore.

Dick: The press is like a boiler room where it's instead of lying to sell you shitty stocks, you know, those boiler rooms, like the movie where they just get whales on the phone...

Sean: Yes.

Dick: ...and try to lie to sell them imaginary stocks basically.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: The press is like that, except they just stab at anything to make the sale. Like, anything to get their names out there. It's disgusting. It's disgusting that they get away with it too. It's disgusting that they're not boycotted off the face of the fucking planet. That the 24 hour news networks are not themselves boycotted into oblivion. Because there's not that much news, so they spend the whole day ruining people’s lives. Just like the boiler rooms. To try to squeeze

anything out of you that they can get. Like, anything that they can remotely tie to you. If it doesn't stick, they abandon it and move on to the next thing that might. Disgusting.

Count Dankula: The thing that they do aswell is, you would think that obviously with journalism everyone always preaches, you know, honesty, integrity, and research, and all

those type of stuff that you think would be, you know, the primary fundamentals of modern journalism but it's the case of, they’re turning mountains of morales and emotions, sensationalise stuff and flat out lie. And you would think that, that type of behaviour would be punished in journalism but the editors in these places actually strongly encourage it and endorse it.

Sean: Of course.

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Count Dankula: And that's absolutely sickening. Like, that is beyond sickening.

Dick: Yeah it is.

Count Dankula: It's a case of, we wanting, you know get some money of clicks and ad revenue and all that stuff and fuck whoever’s life we ruin in the process, and that's just absolutely disgusting.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Like that's disgusting behaviour from people that apparently call themselves professionals.

Dick: No, my first response is, like, oh everybody should make... everybody should train their dog to do nazi shit that'll show 'em but it won’t. It'll just make them stronger. They gotta be fundamentally dismantled. Journalism and the way it is across the world right now. Um so what happened after you got arrested?

Count Dankula: While I was getting arrested aswell, like, I was in my pyjamas so I said, well I'd like to get changed before I go. And then what happened was, the male officer had to be with me, like, while I was getting changed so obviously to make sure I'm not gonna pull a weapon or something like that.

Dick: So you won’t train any other dogs into offensive memery while you're in the brief moments that you’ve got on your own.

Sean: And, and, and where is the perpetrator at this point?

Dick: Where is the dog? Staring at you blankly, doing the sieg heil, like, this is what you get motherfucker

Sean: Like, not now, not now Buddha.

Dick: Threatening me for treats you son of a bitch.

Sean: Stop it, stop it!

Dick: I'll fix you.

Count Dankula: This is just the thing aswell, whenever people see the dog and they want to give him a treat he actually just lifts his paw immediately and I'm like, ‘ahaha don't do that in public, like, don't do that.’ (Dick laughing) The dog was just sort of wandering around the house but, see, while the male police officer was with me watching me getting changed, you know, I'm putting on a little bit of a show for him.

Dick: Did you show him your dick?

Count Dankula: What, no I didn't go quite that far, I wasn't that brave. But while he's watching me-

Dick: (interjects) Oh, would've been cool.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Would’ve been a lot cooler if you did.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: -the female police officer is actually going around my house taking pictures of everything in my house.

Dick: What the fuck? (Dick laughing)

Sean: All your nazi memorabilia, right?

Count Dankula: No, but this is the thing is, I know she is going around the room taking pictures, but the thing that was worrying me the most is, while I'm getting changed, I'm trying to be cool but I'm sitting there, like, my weed is sitting on my desk. My fucking weed is just sitting on the desk.

Dick: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh.

Count Dankula: They never... they never noticed my weed so that was okay. Like, that was alright.

Dick: She's taking DNA swabs of all the lamp shades around his house.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, right?

Dick: Run them through the lab.

Jamie: What was the name of this act that you were accused under. I heard you say it...

Count Dankula: I think it's called the offensive communications act

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: That sounds...

Count Dankula: That's what I'm being charged under.

Sean: So you can punish someone by jail. If he says-

Dick: It's the opposite of free speech basically.

Sean: Yes.

Jamie: Wow.

Dick: Okay. Anything-

Count Dankula: Oh yeah, we haven't had free speech here for quite a while. And if it was something that was encouraging and endorsing violence. Then I would... I would

have a bit more trust with that and would understand why the cops would want the act on that but, see, something that was blatantly a clear joke and satire, that can actually get you arrested. It's... that's when things start to get a little bit scary

Jamie: do you have the facade of free speech there? And then-

Count Dankula: They say we have free speech, we absolutely don't.

Dick: Do you have any flags that say don't step on things, like, snakes or don't tread on me?

Count Dankula: Don't step on snek?

Dick: Yeah, do you have anything like that?

Count Dankula: Well no, we don't have anything like that.

Dick: That's your problem, that's your problem.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: You need to start making that... So what happened after you got arrested?

Sean: You need to spell it out for them.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Well it was like.. It ended up like... I get led to... say, the press were like taking my pictures. The thing is, I started laughing as soon as I got led out of my house. So In my arrest picture you can see me getting led out and I'm...

Sean: Yeah, Because it is absurd.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Yeah. even when I got loaded in the back of the police car, all my neighbours are like, looking at me and everything and there's just cops in the street and tons of press and me getting thrown into the back of a police car.

Jamie: Oh I did see those photos they were good.

Dick: You should've just goose stepped out of the house, turned around and give them... give them some speech from third reich speech.

Count Dankula: Everyone was sort of making the jokes, like, Hitler went to jail for his beliefs and look how that turned out. (laughs)

Sean: Yeah, wanted to make you a monster. I mean next time you can train a pitbull or

something, do some damage go out and...

Dick: So you went to court, right?

Count Dankula: It was... what happened was, I actually got kept in jail for my court date and-

Dick: You got what?

Count Dankula: They actually kept me in prison.

Dick: Oh they kept you in prison, okay.

Count Dankula: Yeah, and the thing was I get loaded in the cell and stuff like that, and while I was... while I was... they never interviewed me. Which was pretty weird. Usually they put you in that little room to interview you before, but I just got thrown straight into the cell. But before I got thrown into the cell the male police officer that arrested me was saying stuff like, that video could normalize nazism and encourage people to become nazis.

Dick: This is-

Sean: Are you?

Dick: -that's a cop, man.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's the worst part. A cop weighing in on the ramifications, it's like, dude it's either illegal or not illegal.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Your editorializing...

Sean: Right.

Dick: dangerous....

Sean: Correct.

Dick: ...around this issue by the way.

Sean: That's right.

Dick: That's why you have this fucking badge.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You idiot.

Count Dankula: The thing is, no one is going to look at that video and go, you know what? That pug has a point. (all laugh) I'm just gonna adopt an entire ideology based on a fucking video. Like, see (stammering)

Sean: That's how you get them, you get them with cuteness. You kill them with cuteness.

Jamie: He was trying to make him not cute.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: You failed.

Dick: It's the stupidest part that, like, you don't...

Sean: Oh, it's so stupid.

Dick: don't watch out for the... you don’t watch out for Hitler 2.0 like, you watch out for a different guy. The nazis aren't rising again ‘cause everything is different. Like it's... it’s...

Sean: The circumstances that created nazis are no longer there.

Dick: Yeah it's, like, yeah, okay so...

Sean: It's a different person...

Dick: let’s just say...

Sean: ...based on different circumstances.

Dick: ...let’s say Trump is Hitler, right?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Okay, jingoistic, like, blaming everything on a certain underprivileged class. Okay, fine let's make a rule that we don't violate the 4th amendment. And that will kinda stop the whole fucking thing. You can't take people out of their homes. That's it. You can't make people wear shit they don't wanna wear. That's it. Problem solved. No more worry of the nazis rising again because we got these rules that you have to abide by no matter what. You're scared of the wrong thing. It's not about normalizing... it doesn't fucking matter if it's the most normal thing in the world to just walk outside and see a guy dressed like Goebbles walking around. It doesn't matter because we have rights that you can't take from us. You cannot round us up, you can't

do it. That's illegal! But we always break it. We break it every fucking time, we took the Japanese and locked them up. Every country breaks it all the fucking time.

Sean: It's the myth of rights.

Dick: Yeah. So how about you officer instead of worrying about this hysteria of normalizing anything, just stick to the fucking plan. Do not do this. Don't abrogate speech. Don't collect our guns. I don't know the third one. But the fourth one is do not seize us! Don't take our shit, don't take us, ever, ever, ever. Ever! That's the beauty of these rules, you don't have to worry about anything else. Anyway.

Count Dankula: We actually don't have a constitution that's actually... our laws can just get made up and edited, you know as we go along.

Dick: What a fucking mess.

Count Dankula: And the reason we are... I actually think that's repealing our current battle of human rights. So it can be rewritten to be more modernized. I'm just sorta like how can you just sorta decide as you go along what fucking rights we deserve as humans.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Like, no joke that's something that is actually happening,

Dick: I mean they should...

Jamie: That's scary to me.

Dick: It is scary. This whole thing is scary.

Jamie: Like, I know in America there's all kinds of things that we can improve on but I do like the fact that we have this one thing that was written that the whole point is to not deviate from it at least to a certain degree.

Dick: Not at all. At all. That's the difference. Deviate from it at all. Alright, Dankula so what happens in prison?

Count Dankula: What ended up... I got put in the cell and that was in the... the policeman was giving me a laid back whole spiel about how this can turn people into nazis.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: I was just sorta sitting there thinking this is completely ridiculous, but I mean I don't think nazis would actually... Maybe the nazis go there and they want the cute pug to be the new face of modern nazism because...

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: You know nazis are saying, I mean obviously we want to wipe out about 70% of the planet but, we want to be approachable.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: You know, like that...

Sean: Putting a new face on-

Dick: That's why they wore all black and leather and looked like demons. It's because they wanted... that was their fuckup. This time around they're gonna be real cute.

Sean: Yeah, well, who's the... yeah. Hugo Boss ,you know?

Dick: Yeah, it'll be Jimmy... It'll be Paul Frank this time. Not Hugo Boss... will design the nazi the fourth reich uniform. Is it fifth reich? No, fourth reich.

Count Dankula: I think it's the fourth one we’re on now.

Dick: Yeah, you would know.

Sean: Yeah, right.

Count Dankula: But it ended up like, the next morning I get loaded in one of those armored transport vans and taken away to the courthouse, right? (Dick starts laughing)

Sean: Yeah, right. With the hannibal lector mask-

Jamie: Is it that serious?

Sean: -A straitjacket and a Hannibal Lector mask.

Dick: Don't let... hide your dogs!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Hide your eyes! Don't let your dogs gaze upon this man, it will fill them with hate.

Sean: Right.

Count Dankula: I got actually loaded in this two foot by two foot cube, handcuffed down to the chair. Legs were cuffed, hands were cuffed. And everything, like, I was fucking dangerous.

Jaime: Is there something else that's happened in your country that you can compare this to, or that somebody else should have gotten this kind of treatment that he does?

Dick: William Wallace.

Sean: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Everyone keeps making the William Wallace comparison.

Jamie: I just feel like that is intense for what he supposedly did.

Sean: I'm... I’m stunned that you can be detained for this. (Dick laughs)

Jamie: To that degree.

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: So you're loaded up like Hannibal Lecter.

Count Dankula: I got taken to the courthouse and then that's where you get put in a like big holding cell. Where you're in there... I think it was about twelve other guys that I was in this holding cell with.

Dick: Who are actual criminals.

Count Dankula: Oh yeah, some of them have done some serious... One of them was my friend actually.

Sean: Oh, oh.

Jaime: hm.

Count Dankula: Like, as soon as i get put into the cell we recognized each other and we’re like “Ayy long time no see.” I won't be seeing him for a long time anyway he's looking at 5 years. (laughs)

Dick: For what? What did he do? Put gum under a desk somewhere?

Count Dankula: No what he did was quite serious actually. He actually hit someone in the face with a meat cleaver. Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: The sharp end?

Count Dankula: Yes. Yes he did some serious damage.

Sean: Could've popped him with a handle. You know.

Dick: Oh god.

Count Dankula: What ended up... We're in the room and we're going around the room doing the whole 'what are you in for?' thing. And it's gone around people who are like “I attacked the cops with a knife”, “I got caught with a kilo of cocaine” and all that kind of stuff and it gets to me and I'm like “I made a video of my dog doing a nazi salute” and everyone just started laughing at me.

Dick: Yeah. And then they all raped me.

Jamie: I would've loved to have heard that, like get an audio of that.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: The thing was, the guy sitting next to me turned around to me and went like that,”'see if you do go to jail don't tell people that because you will get your shit kicked in”

Jamie: No.

Dick: No.

Sean: What the fuck?

Count Dankula: Yeah, I didn't actually end up going to the courthouse. I got granted something which is called a procurator fiscal liberation. Which is you, only go into the courtroom after they decide whether or not they give you bail and then give you conditions for your bail. You know you get bail conditions and stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Well what happened is, they just decided to give me bail but I don't have any bail conditions so there was no need for me to go into the courtroom, so I was just released. And then I was just released to await my trial.

Dick: Okay, so what's the... Yeah, what’s've had your trial recently didn't you?

Count Dankula: No.

Dick: No?

Count Dankula: It keeps getting pushed back and it's still... It's supposed to be happening this Thursday so I've got a bit four days but I'm not... the last time I've hyped it up when it got this close, the trial ended up getting delayed again, so I'm trying not to hype up and get everyone hating just for it to again be delayed.

Dick: What's your trial date?

Count Dankula: The trial date is the 27th.

Dick: 27th, oh my god.

Count Dankula: But again it may be delayed.

Dick: Yeah, so you've just got this sword hanging over your head all the time. Like, you're facing serious consequences still. Even though it's funny.

Sean: Yeah what can happen, what's the worst case scenario?

Count Dankula: Maximum is 1 year in prison.

Dick: Jesus Christ man, could you imagine how many times you could get raped in a year? (all start laughing) A lot Sean, a lot, man. I mean, I have a high sex drive so... maybe all dudes don't, but I could do a lot of raping in prison in a year.

Sean: And you would have friends, I mean you'd have buddies who would probably have an

equal sex drive. I mean it could be...

Dick: All that working out too... really pumps up my sex drive, as well and that's all I would do.

Sean: Yeah, just lift and rape, lift and rape, lift and rape

Dick: And you can't jerk off in prison so it's really... I don't know if you guys, Count Dankula, I don't know if you have that rule in prison where you can’t jerk off.

Jamie: I didn’t know that was a thing.

Count Dankula: You kinda can, you just need to... you usually have a cellmate who is called your co-pilot. I think if you reach a certain level of comfortability and understanding with your co-pilot.(Sean starts laughing) Then it's a case of we can mutually masturbate, you know, but it's no-homo. You just do it back to back.

Dick: Back to back.(Sean laughs even harder) So no goo, there's no accidental splash back hitting either one of you.

Count Dankula: And you're not looking at each other so it's not gay.

Dick: Yeah, uh-huh that's the definition of not gay. Two dudes, ass to ass in a little room jerking

off together. That's in the dictionary: not gay. Oh yeah, okay. That's what I thought it was.

Jamie: Is this some kind of a lookout situation is that why you're back to back like that? Like it's in the rules you're not supposed to do that? I don't understand what's going on.

Count Dankula: I think that's just to sort of avoid because it's not gay unless you make eye contact. So I think that's just to make sure there’s no accidental eye contact.

Dick: Then you gotta kick each others ass if you do that.

Count Dankula: Yeah you need to immediately beat each other up. Even if you both still have erections. You need to immediately beat each other up to assert, you know, your manly dominance.

Dick: Like, a Bronson style beatdown.

Count Dankula: Yeah. Exactly.

Dick: Naked, soaked in sweat. Okay, I'm getting too turned on. Oh my god man. Do you have a good lawyer at least?

Count Dankula: He doesn't know what he's doing. It's just the whole problem is... he is a sort of a... he's not a really a court appointed lawyer. He's one of those lawyers that hangs about the presence to pick up people that don't have lawyers. Because he's a lawyer that accepts legal aid. And my legal aid application ended up getting rejected, aswell.

Dick: Oh my god.

Sean: Because you're a nazi.

Dick: Yeah, because you're a nazi.

Dick: Have any neo nazi groups helped you out?

(laugh in the back)

Count Dankula: No. This is the thing, that's the problem.

Dick: They should.

Count Dankula: I did get completely caught off guard by a woman who is actually a raging anti-zionist and I didn't know who she was. And this was...the thing that made me worry about this is...this is a public...

Sean: She’s probably from PETA.

Count Dankula: No, this is a public conversation that happened on Twitter. She sent me tweets saying like, I think this is disgraceful that free speech is gone and you're being charged, and stuff like that and I was...

Dick: Perfectly normal.

Count Dankula: ...thank you very much, I appreciate your support. And then she tweeted back at me going, I mean it shouldn't be for saying gas the jews, because did you know, that no jews were ever gassed in the holocaust, and actually...

Dick: Goddamn it lady, goddamn it, you idiot. Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up! What are you doing to this guy?

Sean: Oh.

Count Dankula: The thing, the thing was, like, see, how I argue with SJW and stuff all the time on twitter, but none of them could come anywhere close to the shit that I got from holocaust deniers, like, holy shit they are an insane bunch of people. They are lunatics. By the way, I got so much shit from them for months because I was, like, 'Well the holocaust did kinda happen.'

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: I got, when I so... I wrote a book Men Are Better Than Women, I went to Dr. Phil just to be an asshole. What I did, easily if it was in Scotland I'd get arrested.

Jamie: Absolutely.

Dick: Extremely offensive. I get death threats about it all the time. Um, the most uncomfortable situations are when I'm trying to sneak another one through and I'll get, like, a show might be getting made or something and somebody will see it who is really serious about the message of the book and, like, "Hey, Dick great to see that good things are happening to you and also did you know that women are all... they're all cumsluts." and I'm just like “ATATATA! Would you stop it, stop it! Keep it in the...just keep it in the... I wrote the book, just shut up for a second god damn it! I get it! Come on man, come on, what are you doing to me here?”

Sean: Mhm.

Count Dankula: The thing is, I have actually had support from people that I really do not want support from.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: It would actually damage my case. Like, see, one of the people, I don't know if I’ve had any use of is The Golden One.

Dick: No, no, no, no. Everyone say no, never heard of that. No, no, I actually haven't. What is it?

Count Dankula: A Swedish man who is a... has some very, very tasteless opinions, shall we say?

Dick: Okay.

Count Dankula: When it comes to jews and degeneracy and, you know, things like that. He's like, buff as hell. He's massively jacked and he considers himself as the epitome of the white glorious aryan race.

Dick: The Übermensch, yes.

Count Dankula: Yeah, yeah and he made some... he's made some... certain videos, like, I don't know why, but whenever he makes a video talking about jews he always does it with his

shirt off.

Dick: I mean, you know.

Count Dankula: To show his muscles when he's like...

Dick: Sometimes, yeah.

Count Dankula: Yeah. He's one of them and he actually donated to my fundraiser with the message “Nothing wrong with sticking up for your race brother.”

Sean: Oh.(Dick and Sean burst into laugh)

Count Dankula: That's gonna get brought up in the fucking trial.

Dick: Couldn't you put the... couldn't you put the helmet off for just a second and just support free speech? That’s... can you just make this about free speech and take the nazi hat off for one second!?

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: This is one of those pages where you can comment, right?

Count Dankula: It's like, I'm all for everyone supporting your free speech but can those type of people do it away from me? Like, I don't really need this near me right now.

Dick: Use a surrogate! Use a surrogate, give me the money and I'll give it to Count Dankula without putting any of your messages on it.

Sean: Now has anyone solicited your services for dog training ‘cause it seems like you did a pretty good job. I mean you've got him to do exactly what you wanted. That can't be easy.

Count Dankula: Yeah but I can't undo it, that's the problem. Like, he's so ingrained, like, Buddha’s just caught in his little echochamber.

Dick: That's why it's so funny.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Because you can't undo it.

Sean: It's just like people.

Dick: Yeah. So what do you have like a defense fund?

Count Dankula: Yeah we did. We went way over the target. We needed a...

Dick: Oh you did nevermind, then.

Count Dankula: The page was at 12 thousand pounds to actually pay off the lawyer and we reached that within 8 hours.

Dick: Wow.

Sean: Wow.

Count Dankula: Yeah. I think it's because of...the thing-

Sean: (interjects) Look at all those racists out there.

Dick: Yeah there's a lot of nazis out there that wanna help this guy out, Sean.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Well, what's the-

Count Dankula: The thing that kinda hit home with me is that a lot of people donated and judging by a lot of the comments it wasn't... the people were supporting free speech, but they were doing it out of fear.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Like, that's what really got me. Is, people were actually donating to this, like, if it can happen to him it can happen to all of us.

Sean: It's absurd.

Dick: No, yeah, ‘cause we all wanna piss off our girlfriends.

Sean: It's fucking absurd.

Count Dankula: Yeah it’s completely... but that's the thing, is, even when I was in the jail the guards recognized me and one of the guards actually heiled and Hitler saluted me with 'Haha sieg heil pug man.'

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Count Dankula: And I was like, holy shit.

Dick: No, that's real fucking funny, man.

Sean: Yeah, hilarious.

Dick: That's real fucking funny. Why don't you come a little... do it a little closer so I can get-

Count Dankula: No, no, the prison guards even were “What you in for?” and I went “For that.” and the prison guards themselves were, like, “Are you serious? You're in here for that?” and I went “Yeah.” Like, that's what-

Sean: Yeah, probably gave them pause.

Dick: We've lost complete control over our armed police forces.

Count Dankula: Oh, yeah.

Dick: We've lost them.

Count Dankula: The thing is, I don't-

Sean: (interjects) It goes higher than police forces.

Dick: Because it's the random part that's the terrifying part.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: That's where the terrorism breeds. It’s not the number of people they kill in the World Trade Centers. It’s that they do it randomly.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: So this one guy, Dankula, gets busted. It's terrifying, because we're all doing... we're all breaking the law.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Even the laws that are just. We're breaking them.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: But the ones that they create on the fly, could be anybody. That's why it's terrifying.

Count Dankula: That was the one thing that the police say I should have got attacked for, see, after the, you know, how the bombing that happened at the Ariana Grande concert?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: That happened quite recently?

Sean: Was that in Manchester?

Count Dankula: Yeah, Manchester.

Count Dankula: Like, a huge terrorist attack just happened and the police tweeted out, like, just to make everyone aware any hateful comment posted online. We will be pursuing you for that. (Dick laughs) And I was, like-

Sean: (interjects) Because that's what the-

Count Dankula: -aren't you a little bit fucking busy right now? Don't you have a terrorist attack to fucking deal with?

Sean: Yeah, they're worrying about offending muslims I think.

Count Dankula: Yeah, I was like, I'm sorry but...

Dick: Or white people.

Count Dankula: ...a bunch of kids just fucking died. I think you should be focusing on

Sean: (speaking over Count Dankula) What are people gonna be posting usually after those?

Dick: But who gets offended by it? I mean, you think? I thin-

Sean: Well no, ‘cause... no, I think people are gonna be posting, like, see? These muslim motherfuckers-

Dick: Don't let them in.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, and who's gonna get offended? I fucking doubt that most muslims would read something like that and go... and be offended by it. Like, the ones who support it are gonna go “Damn right, keep letting us in.” And the ones who-

Sean: No there's the people who are offended on the behalf of someone else.

Dick: But that's the only people who... what I'm saying is that's the only group that's offended. Because there's half of muslims that have to live in terror who fucking hate the warring half and then the other half are, like, “Yeah!” They're not offended by anything because they're fucking

murderers. It's the only people getting offended are the... are the cops in this case, the government, the people running the goddamned media.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Why is it driven snow? That's what I think.

Sean: Whatever. If it doesn't even... if somebody's... they're worried about people getting offended by comments.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Is the point that's fucking ridiculous. Like you said, aren't you a little fucking busy right now? You're gonna follow this up? Jesus Christ.

Dick: Alright, uh, what's your... what's your legal defense fund site, Count Dankula? Where people can go, maybe give you a little extra more... buy your girlfriend’s dog some unbrainwashing services. Get him into one of those sexual reassignment therapies.

Sean: De-nutsification?

Dick: So he can get it zapped out of... yeah. Or just send him... send him to Brazil. Retire him out to... so he can live a long life nazi saluting.

Sean: Argentina.

Dick: Argentina.

Count Dankula: It's on a YouCaring. See, if you just type in Count Dankula YouCaring. It's the first thing that pops up.

Dick: Okay. I like that. No more URLs we're just giving out Google searches. Good, good.

Count Dankula: Heh, heh, sorry.

Dick: Alright man, I gotta ask you what makes you a rage? That's what we do on this show.

Count Dankula: Makes me a rage?

Dick: Yeah, what really pisses you off, what do you think is the biggest thing wrong with the world, or for you personally.

Count Dankula: Um, the biggest thing that I'm worried about right now is basically, regressive left is attacking freedom on all fronts. They want to have absolute control over what people can and can't say, and can and can't do, but if you try and suggest anything like that to themselves they're, like, “No, no, you can't do that to us, because we are right.” Like, that's the thing is, they basically... they want perks and stuff like that for themselves, and they're okay with freedom being attacked, as long as it's used to drown out their opposition. I class myself as center left. Like, the whole... you know, the whole classical liberal term. I want absolutely everyone to have equality and freedom. But people from the far, far left... the ones that are a bit absolute raging lunatics are... they basically want people who they feel are underprivileged to not have equality, but to have privilege. So they keep moaning and complaining a lot about white privilege. White, you know, white people have always had privilege, have always been held in a higher regard than everyone else. And you would think that instead of us having privilege they would want absolute equality but instead they want other minorities to have privilege, which is the very thing that they are complaining about which is what I don't understand.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Like, they want people to be able to have a special treatment, and have access to, you know, jobs and funding, and all these other kind of things. Basically based on the color of their skin, or sexuality, or religion, and things like that aswell. That’s not equality.

Dick: No.

Count Dankula: That isn't equality. Equality should be, everyone is treated the same, but they want these people to be treated higher than everyone else. I want equality.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: I want everyone to be treated the same. That's not what they want. They're not fighting for equality, no matter what they say.

Dick: Spoken like a true white male. (all laugh) Yeah, it's just about power. All the memes about equality and whatever... turns out it was all bullshit. They just want...

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: They just want votes.

Count Dankula: It's just...the thing that frightens me the most is... you have all obviously heard of the alt-right?

Dick Yeah.

Count Dankula: The alt-right is actually rising because of the left. Basically, because of the way they've reacted and, see, when people feel like their own freedoms are being attacked. Especially Americans are, like, huge on freedom. Really, really big on freedom and love it-

Dick: Yeah, we've got a real hard on about it.

Count Dankula: Yeah, because that's kinda what the country itself was founded and based on.

Dick: Mhm.

Count Dankula: And so, when people actually feel that their freedoms are being attacked and then, you've seen the way the left reacted. They turn on with their masks on, and throw fireworks, and pepper spray people, and attack people just simply for them exercising their right for free speech. And they sit there and scream nazi, racist, fascist, even though what these people are saying doesn't even come close to any of those things.

Dick: No.

Count Dankula: The reason they call someone a nazi, is to dehumanize them. Which means even though this person doesn't believe in nazi ideology or said anything, you know, even remotely close to a thing a nazi would say. We're gonna call them a nazi to dehumanize them which means that we're completely justified in assaulting them.

Sean: Mhm.

Count Dankula: Which is quite funny, because, you know, the entire dehumanization thing is what the nazis themselves used towards jews to justify the way they treated jews.

Sean: Exactly.

Dick: It is funny.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And this guy gets... he knows jokes. He knows comedy, we know that.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Um.

Sean: Well...

Dick: Yeah, it's...

Sean: ...I can't help but think if you just taught, like, a cat to do the Vulcan salute this would've all been avoided. (Jamie laughs)

Dick: I was gonna fucking ask if it would've been as bad if it was a cat.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think so.

Sean: I don't know.

Dick: It would've just got passed up on. Uh, yeah, you're center left. Um, we call... we call you people cucks on this show. (Sean laughs)

Count Dankula: Yeah, I get called that a lot.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: The thing is, there are some things... I do have quite a hard stance on immigration. I'm fine with immigration as long as it is done at a point where the job market and the economy can keep up with.

Dick: How does your dog feel about immigration though? I bet differently.

Sean: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Uh, he kinda just advocates strongly for a white ethno-state. You know, he just wants to see a... blonde haired and blue eyed dogs everywhere.

Dick: You know, what's funny is, that the pure bred... pure breeding dogs, fucks them up.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: Like, dogs are so pure bred that, you know, can't be borned anymore, and they got all, like, they can't... they have massive health problems.

Sean: There's a lot of them.

Dick: That's irony, Sean. Subtly different than funny. Subtly.

Count Dankula: You should hear Buddha just trying to breathe.

Sean: Oh, I know.

Dick: Yeah, what does he think about his pure breeding shit now, he can't even fucking breathe. Take that Buddha. Alright man, good luck in court

Count Dankula: Thanks for the [incoherent] .

Dick: If it doesn't work out, we'll send Kian Magaña over there to put people in some choke slams. He's my lawyer. He's The Dick Show lawyer.

Sean: There you go.

Dick: He's one for one for us.

Count Dankula: Can he, maybe put, like, a good word for me at the American Embassy. I mean, just go full Julian Assange.

Dick: Yeah.

Count Dankula: Just gonna move over there.

Jamie: Come on over.

Dick: You can stay right here. I got a bunker in a mountain you can stay in. Many guns. Guns that you can't even dream of in Scotland. We got. Jamie Lynn Hughes is from Texas, she'll bring in even better guns.

Jamie: Oh, yeah, even better.

Dick: There's a guy in the military, who tried to send me a PO box full of... he just said ‘gun stuff’. He's a... he’s an infantry man, he's, like, “Yeah, I sent you a PO bo- a bunch of gun stuff” I'm like, “Oh, ho, ho, ok!” He's currently in the military. He said “Go check your PO box.” So, I went to check the PO box. Turns out he sent it to Texas instead of California. Hollywood, Texas. (gasp in the back) Los Angeles, Texas for no reason. Like, buddy. Buddy, I say it every episode! I say “It's coming to you from the City of Failure, the worst city in the world - Los Angeles.” He blew it.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Alright, Count Dankula, thanks for calling in, man.

Count Dankula. That's no problem, man.

Dick: Call back anytime something about the left pisses you off. Not if you have a problem with the right though, don't call back then. (Count Dankula laughs) Good luck in court. It was... never, never think that it wasn't funny. ‘Cause it was.

Count Dankula: Oh, no, don't worry I don’t think that. I know it was funny. It was a joke and that’s literally what it was. That's a fact. The cops can even get me a guilty verdict and stuff like that. That will never remove the fact that this was a joke.

Dick: It was funny.

Count Dankula: Thanks, man.

Dick: Yeah, thank you, and talk as long as you want about getting fucked over by the government. ‘Cause you're directly paying for it and you deserve it.

Count Dankula: No problem man, don't worry, I have plenty of videos that I can't make until after the trial is done. (laughs)

Dick: Oh god.

Count Dankula: Like, I kinda need to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things, like, getting fired from three different jobs for the video. And everything as well.

Dick: Three different jobs?

Count Dankula: Oh, yeah, three different places I've worked for... they found out who I was and they fired me. So I actually can't get a job at all right now. So the longer, and longer the trial gets delayed, the longer, and longer I can't work.

Dick: Wow.

Count Dankula: Yeah.

Dick: Can't... can’t pay for your legal def... can't make money to pay for your defence, to fight a dog nazi video. Can't make the money... can’t make the money because he's being on trial. Call it Catch-22.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Sean: Uh-huh, yeah.

Dick: You don't see ‘em too often.

Sean: Exactly right. No, no, no, not real catch-22s.

Dick: Not real catch-22s. There you go. Alright man, have a good one.

Count Dankula: No problem, thanks dude.

Dick: Have a good evening, yeah sieg heil. (all laugh)

Sean: Oh god.

Dick: Oh my god, (dropped Skype call sound) what a fucking disaster.

Sean: It's sickening.

Dick: It is sickening.

Sean: It's fucking sickening.

Jamie: I was so confused when I heard about this, because I've assumed that he was in the states and it just sounded like, something that would never happen. That you would never get arrested for that.

Dick: It's coming. They're gonna figure out the formula. They're beta testing all over Europe and then they're bringing it over here. That's why we need to build a biiiiig wall. Stop this shit from coming in.

Sean: Keep the press out.

Dick: Keep the press out.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Round them up.

Sean: Keep the press out, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, we're just gonna round all the press up. You've got a press badge? Round you up.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yo you can't go around hurting people.

Jamie: Just wall them all in, their own...

Dick: See, this is the kind of thing you've gotta watch out for! It's not the nazis but it's the guys like me saying, we've got to round the press up. That's what they don't get. That the danger is always shifting, it's always shifting. It's fourth generational war, you know what that is? The nature of war has changed from needing big battle cruisers, and aircraft carriers, and big missiles, and doomsday weapons to shoot each other. It’s changed, it's fourth generational. It's on the... you're going after one... there's no more nations fighting nations.

Sean: It's virtual.

Dick: Yeah, it's virtual. It's just guys, it's a guy... it's a guy who has a crazy jihad on us. One guy, how do you fight that? We figured out... as soon as we figured out how you win third generational wars... just guys... you send just guys... you send guys in there and they all just kill each other for no reason. But they do it.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: We've got a new one now. Not gonna... never gonna be another one. Never gonna be a... oh boots on the ground! Our guys versus their guys. Yeah, you know, not anymore. That was... you talkin’ ancient history. We don't have phalanxes and shields and shit. No one is riding horses into battle either, you fucking moron. We don't do that anymore, it's just one guy. Oh. Jamie that dog guy took all your time.

Jamie: I know.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Man, that guy’s story is scary.

Sean: Yeah, it is.

Jamie: It is very scary.

Sean: It is.

Dick: Because they do it here. Like, they're going after people’s Patreons now.

Sean: Well that's the... yeah it's more a monetary penalty here.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You know, but who knows.

Dick: Which is the same.

Sean: Could be...

Dick: I mean

Sean: ...could just as easily be jail.

Dick: I think they'll figure out a way to do it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They got... I mean they got a lot of smart people working on this stuff. They got guys like me sitting there, looking at the lawn just saying “How can we... how can we use this as Silicon Valley parasites? How can we use this law to imprison people?” Right? There's gotta be a way. If there's a will, there's a way. That's what Silicon Valley's based on. If we can imag... if we can dream it... if we can imagine a computer in your pocket that carries tens of thousands of songs, all pirated of course. It's the foundation of our business right?

Sean: Mm.

Dick: It is. If we can do that then we can surely imagine a way to arrest americans for saying things we don't like on the internet. For sullying our... ‘cause guys like me and Count Dankula, we're like the guys in the neighbourhood that are working out in their front yard, you know? We've got our bench press set up there just working out and everybody goes by “These fucking guys, why do they have to work out outside?' I'm like, “It's our fucking property.” Always smoking.

Jamie: There you go.

Dick: Have you ever smoked... is it good to smoke while you work out? I've always wanted to do it ‘cause it looks... it seems like two cool things at once.

Jamie: I think it looks a lot cooler than it is. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Did you give me this fucking pink straw as a joke?

Jamie: I did.

Dick: Funny.

Sean: It's pretty cool. It's pretty funny.

Dick: Alright. Let me see who I got on. I got... I wanna get this guy Cantillion here, real quick before we get on to Asterios. Hey, Canteline are you there?

Cantillions: Hey, what's up buddy.

Dick: Cantelone? How do I say your name?

Cantillions: Cantillions is good enough.

Dick: Cantillions.

Sean: Cantillions.

Dick: Cantillions. Um, so you were just at the... you were just Comic-Con right?

Cantillions: Yeah, I wish I wasn't. That was the worst experience of my entire life.

Sean: That's what everybody says.

Dick: Why did you go? Of course it's gonna suck, it's all like a Disney and Marvel ad now.

Cantillions: No, I know, but I, you know, wanted to go for my entire life and I was able to get tickets.

Sean: Waited like 20 years too long I guess.

Cantillions: It was... it was the most god awful experience. It's a giant ad. The entire thing is a huge ad for all the 3rd... 3rd rate TV shows that nobody wants to fucking watch.

Dick: Oh god, I haven't been in a long time but I remember hating it even back then when I would go. How did you get tickets?

Cantillions: I just got tickets, I waited in the waiting room, like, you know, got up at 6 o’clock in the morning 6 months ago. Was so stoked for the past... like I took an entire week off of work just for this event. (Dick laughs) And... (laughs)

Dick: And it sucked.

Cantillions: It fucking... I left early because it was, you know, a bunch of autistic people, a bunch of just the worst people you can ever think of hanging out there. So, yeah.

Dick: Smells bad too. Smells real bad in there.

Cantillions: Oh it smells horrible. I almost puked because I was hungover the first night and got there and some guy with ridiculous BO walking next to me. And I almost puked right there on the floor, so I mean... yeah, don't go.

Dick: They've got to have a sensor for that man. Another... another billion dollar society changing invention of mine, Sean. They gotta have a sensor like... it should be, like, a fire alarm in every... mandatory in everybody's house you gotta have this sensor on your front door that detects how bad you stink. And if it's.. if it's red that door lock does not open.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: I don't care how many rights that breaks.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: All 10 of them.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: It's gotta be. It's gotta be... just... we can't... we can't be existing like this anymore, man. Anyway, so what you... you were... you had some spicy tweets based on Comic-Con aswell I saw last night.

Cantillions: I got... kinda got some spicy tweets there, Dick.

Dick: What did you do? What did you do?

Cantillions: So I was walking by and I saw that Maddox had a... had a booth.

Dick: Mhm.

Cantillions: Had a booth at Comic-Con, and...

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: I was like, “Oh, I wanna see what this guy is up to.” so I go there the first day and he was already late. He didn't even show up on time. He had a couple of his fucking posters and some Gildan shirts kinda hanging up.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: And I wanted to fuck with him a little bit so I saw that he had a...

Dick: You have to.

Cantillions: ...e-mail signup list so I did the great pleasure to sign your name up on his...

Dick: Thank you.

Cantillions: ...on his mailing list, no problem. And I... I don’t know...

Dick: ‘Cause you know that will fuck up his day. Like, we’re laughing and laughing... ‘cause you just know he's so fucking weird that will mess up his day. In his mind he's like, “Oh, other people are seeing this and I'm giving him exposure on my booth and my fame.” Yeah.

Cantillions: Yeah, so I signed it up [email protected]

Sean: Oh.

Cantillions: And I thought I was hilarious. I just... I laughed, just giggling to myself, like, doing a little dance to the showfloor-

Sean: (interjects) I'm sure the police will be showing at your door any day.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: I come back about ten minutes later and it's just been like, crossed out,(Dick and Sean laughing) like, with a big fucking black marker, like, censor barred. He was so angry obviously. I could see his, like, rage.

Dick: Rage.

Cantillions: (Dick and Cantillions aughing) Fucking sharpie...

Dick: Like in Se7en, the notebooks in Se7en. “RAAAAAAAAGH! THIS FUCKING ASHOLE!” It's the Babadook again, the Babadook scribble. “AAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOO” “I'm not just gonna print out a new sheet ‘cause I was late in the first place, ‘cause I didn't print it out in advance. I had to find the fucking Kinko’s and then something about Kinko’s was hypocritical so I couldn't print it there! I couldn't just go to the business center!” (sighs) “‘Cause I had to use Dropbox they wouldn't let me just upload it on FTP and print it from there! They had proprietary software that I refuse to use!”

Jamie: Did you take a photo of this inked out scribble?

Dick: Yeah?

Cantillions: I did not.

Dick: Oh.

Cantillions: Unfortunately my fucking phone died ‘cause that's another problem with Comic-Con is you can't get reception because there's too many people at once.

Sean: Just trying to surge all the time.

Cantillions: So about the time i got back my phone my phone was dead, so...

Dick: But you did take a picture of the original [email protected]?

Cantillions: I sure did, I sure did.

Dick: I'm sure we can doctor in some kind of a scribble on the photo.

Cantillions: And then-

Dick: What else.... yeah?

Cantillions: So then I went there and you know the best part was that he actually shared a booth with some guy. I think Jon Schnepp, I don't know who he is.

Dick: Oh, really?

Cantillions: But they were, yeah, yeah he was sharing a booth with this guy.

Dick: I thought that was against the... uh, I thought that was against the terms of service for renting a booth at Comic-Con, like, you're not allowed to resell or they'll revoke your-

Cantillions: I don't know, Comic-Con is still going on so if somebody wants to, you know.

Dick: I, ‘cause I know having a booth is, like, important. Like, you gotta get on a waiting list now and wait forever. I remember forever, Maddox was always saying he couldn't afford it but he didn't want to give it up because it was impossible to get another booth. And his like point of pride... you know he's all about pride and vanity.

Cantillions: Oh, yeah.

Dick: So he... he would broach the subject of splitting it or renting it to somebody, but if anybody found out they would revoke the booth because they don't want you deciding who gets booth space there. This was just what I thought. I thought it was weird to hear he was doing that. Then what happened? (looks at Sean)

(Sean laughs silently)

(Dick loses it)

Cantillions: Then, so I come back by later in the day. I wanna see what's going on with this guy and I'm not sure if you know, if you've ever seen this picture of his name is like, Virgil from the WWE. Superstar just kinda sitting there alone in his booth.

Sean: The black guy?

Cantillions: The black guy, yeah.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Huh, you've seen?

Sean: Yeah, he used to be at the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase?

Dick: Oh, yeah!

Sean: He was like... he was, like, his slave.

Dick: Oh, ho ho.

Sean: Very like...

Dick: Different times, different times.

Sean: Yeah he's like his butler, yeah no...

Dick: (talking over Sean) Yeah, right, right right, man servant. Man servant, please, please, please. I have one of those, I have one of those.

Sean: Not exactly the most politically correct.

Dick: No big deal. He's going to Abu Dhabi by the way. My man.

Sean: What, who?

Dick: Steve.

Sean: Yeah?!

Jamie: I think valet is the word you're looking for.

Dick: Valet? No, I’m... mine is my man. My man is going to Abu Dhabi.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He's gonna get fucking arrested, dude.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: In the Middle East with his shenanigans?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That guy... that guy couldn't walk... that guy couldn't be square with a fucking, uh, protractor, that doesn’t, that metaphor doesn't work.

Sean: Whatever.

Dick: Almost, not quite there. That guy couldn't be straight with a... with a protractor is still a circle?

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: But ruler doesn't sound funny. That guy couldn't be... that guy couldn't walk a straight line... that guy couldn't be straight with a T-Square, how ‘bout that?

Sean: Okay.

Dick: Still not funny.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, so what about Virgil’s lonelynes in his booth?

Cantillions: Oh. (laughs) So I come on up to his booth...

Sean: Good effort, son.

Cantillions: ...and I see...

Dick: (yells) “MOOOOM!” (all laugh) Never a no, can you imagine that? Never.

Cantillions: No, alright so here I come up to Maddox’s booth ‘cause I wanna get a few things signed right? I have a couple of...couple things in my bag that I-

Dick: Are they all humorous in nature?

Cantillions: Maybe, maybe. I had some things that I really wanted to get signed but, you know.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Cantillions: We can get back to that, but I tried to go up and I see the booth is just packed. I'm, like, shit.

Dick: Shit.

Cantillions: Fucking Maddox is still, like, you know, maybe he's big. Maybe we're all wrong. But then I go over there and I realise it's not-

Dick: No.

Cantillions: -people who are lining up for Maddox. Oh, no. They're lining up for jon Schnepp.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: And signing all of his posters or whatever the fuck it was. And his shit, Jon Schnepp’s shit is all over the table, like, covering Maddox’s books.

Dick: Oh, man.

Cantillions: It's, uh, all like, the comics, everything. And people are just lining up for Jon Schnepp and there's Maddox over there in the corner just kinda huddled on his phone.

Dick: Taking pictures of fans of Jon Schnepp. “Hey fatso, can you take some pictures of me with Jon Schnepp? Oh, yeah.” “Hey boy, come here and take a picture.”

Sean: Wait, who is Jon... who is Jon Schnepp?

Dick: Jon Schnepp is like... he works, I don't know if he works at Tip the Mouse, he’s created a bunch of cartoons. He works on Metalocalypse, he put a lot of work there.

Sean: Oh, he? Oh, oh.

Dick: And on election night I think I told him to go fuck himself on Twitter. I shouldn't have done that, but I did. He made a documentary about, like, the first... the Spiderman that almost was. Like, Nicolas Cage is Spiderman.

Jamie: Aha, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. He made a whole documentary on it and he was going through funding rounds for it.

Jamie: I've seen it.

Dick: You've seen it? Is it as good as... what would I think of it?

Jamie: You would like it.

(Dick sighs and whispers to himself)

Jamie: The suit is awesome.

Dick: With the electri... with the electricity?

Jamie: Mhm, did I tell you how they make it... yeah it's good.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: And those guys are friends, I guess?

Dick: I mean, it's probably Maddox I guess apparently breaking the terms of service to get in good with Jon Schnepp to get some exposure to his booth, is what it sounds like.

Sean: Mm.

Jamie: So does Maddox try and spin this as taking photos and “Look at all these fans showing up!”

Dick: Team up. Like when Superman teamed up with a guy who nobody knows. That bum, Bilbo. What was his- Anyway...(Jamie and Sean laugh) What ha-

Cantillions: Alright, so I decide to... I decide to leave because, you know, I wish I would've taken the picture. I didn't. I decide to go leave, to go see the Game of Thrones panel which was the worst fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It was...

Jamie: Well, yeah.

Cantillions: was terrible. But then I finally come back and I find-

Dick: Was it a lot of chuckling? That's what I find these panels like... “Hey, we're from the Game of Thrones!” and then it's an hour and a half of guys chuckling to each other. (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh”

Cantillions: They were so self important and...

Dick: (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” “You know, if we got any fans of Game of Thrones in here?” (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” Ten people doing that. (Jamie and Cantillions laughing) (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” “You know, we were filming.” (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” “It's a wrap!” (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” “We've got a new season...DVDs!” (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” That's how they talk, it's so fucked. Who... do you ever talk to people like that? (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh”

Sean: (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh, no!”

Dick: That's how these people in hollywood fucking talk about their product. (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh” “We were doing one scene.” (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh”

Sean: Oh my god.

Jamie: When you say that I imagine somebody with their hands in their side pocket jingling their change in the-

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh”

Sean: You kinda sound like Tom Leykis.

Dick: Yeah I do.

Sean: (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh, bitch.”

Dick: Okay, then what.

Cantillions: So I finally go back and I was... for the entire week before Comic-Con I was trying to figure out what should I get Maddox to sign. And I was thinking, like, I don't know, like, a copy of, like, the copyright infringement. (Dick chuckles, Sean and Jamie laugh) I was thinking on maybe...

Sean: This guy. He's a funny guy.

Cantillions: I know, I was-

Dick: We don't fuck around.

Cantillions: Yeah, I was also thinking of the, uh... just a few things but finally I decided, because

you know, if I want like... if I wasn't subtle enough, dick you understand. You have to subtly...

Dick: I know.

Cantillions: That’s what it’s all about.

Dick: It's also blind spot. He's also got a big old blind spot.

Sean: Or you can be less subtle.

Cantillions: I brought the Titanic VHS.

Sean: Now, you have to know he's not gonna sign these things.

Dick: Yes, he will. You just have to sell it properly.

Cantillions: Oh, he did.

Dick: Oh, he did?

Cantillions: Oh, he did.

Dick: okay.

Cantillions: He signed it, he signed the VHS. ‘Cause I came up and I was like, “Oh, man it's... you know it's such a shame that you and...

Sean: Oh, okay.

Cantillions: and Dick didn't work out and he just, like, this look of absolute fear. Like, he went pale white.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: He was like, “Uhh, uhh, uhh, yeah, I guess that, yeah that was... that... that didn't work out. Yeah, I know.” And so I was like, “Well, you know my favorite bit and the only bit I liked on the show is when Dick would bring in the Titanic. I thought it was hilarious.” so he was like, “Oh yeah, yeah that bit was great. It was wonderful.” So I pulled out my VHS tape and was like, “Would you mind signing this? You know, that would be great.” Then he just went on, I swear, like, a ten minute rant about why that bit did not work and he only blamed everything but himself. Just like, he doubled down.

Dick: About why that bit didn't work? So you come up and say this was the greatest bit on the show and he spends ten minutes talking about why the bit didn't work?

Cantillions: He said it was funny, but because it was all the vote manipulation. (Dick laughs) He doubled down on that vote manipulation bullshit.

Sean: But he signed it.

Cantillions: And he still he signed it. He signed ‘fuck this movie’. And yeah...

Sean: Okay, alright, well.

Jamie: Oh boy.

Sean: Yeah of course he'd sign it. Of course he'd sign it.

Dick: I'll pay you money for that. I'll pay you money for that signed VHS and I'll hang it up right behind me.

Cantillions: I will...I will give that to you for free, Dick...

Dick: Ohhh!

Cantillions: ...that's just, just, you know.

Dick: Oh my god, you're a bad negotiator.(Jamie and Sean laugh)

Cantillions: I don't give a fuck. I just want to see that VHS over your fucking head every...

Dick: I’ll put it right here.

Cantillions: ...every livestream.

Dick: I'll put it right behind me.

Cantillions: Perfect.

Dick: Oh, that's awesome, dude. What makes you a rage?

Cantillions: What makes me a rage, Dick is fucking Comic-Con.

Dick: Okay.

Cantillions: By far the worst thing that has ever been created by nerd culture and everything else.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: You know, you try to go there and you're thinking you're just gonna get some comics signed, see some of your favorite artists, no. All you are seeing is a bunch of 3rd bit... 3rd rate fucking terrible TV shows just flashing your face every single take. Every day. I waited out in hall H line for what 5,6,7 hours. I slept on the grass.

Dick: Oh god.

Cantillions: And I was like, “Oh I'm gonna go see my... my biggest... the biggest TV show ever. Game of Thrones. This is gonna be so much fun. I get in there... fucking people are yelling at you, like i said before you're just smelling BO. (Dick and Sean imitate chuckling) It is the worst (Cantillions imitates puking) Exactly.

Dick: Got a new season coming out. (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh.”

Sean: Sucker.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: I finally-

Dick: (interjects) Lx Luthor’s kid. That's the show. The WB, this year, this Comic-Con... Hey all you nerds, come on in drop thousands of dollars, gather round, sleep in the fucking grass, so we can show you a thirty second trailer of our new show ‘Lex Luthor’s Kid’ this guy really hate... you think you hate your dad? This guy really fucking hates his dad! Thirty second montage of a kid dressing like Superman and talking to himself except he's bald.

Sean: (laughs) Yeah.

Dick: Lex Luthor’s kid coming this spring or whatever, fuck you! More money, give me more fucking money.

Cantillions: You spend money-

Dick: Fuck you, pay me! That's Comic-Con is Paulie from what is it Casino? Or Goodfellas?

Sean: Goodfellas.

Dick: Fuck you, pay me!

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Hey I didn't really like that panel that you had of the Game of Thrones people chuckling about themselves for an hour. Ah, fuck you, pay me! Kinda stinks in here and there's no reception. What's that? I said it sink- fuck you, pay me! (sighs) There's a bunch of chicks dressed up really hot and I have no chance with any of them ‘cause they're getting swarmed...

Cantillions: Oh, no.

Dick: people... the sensory... the sensory nerves that detect attraction and arousal have been deadened by hordes of nerds and fans. They've salted the Earth so bad that I need a core sample to find any human being left in this girl dressed up like Power Girl. Fuck you, pay me!

Cantillions: And the worst part is when you finally get to the panel. It's not like you see one panel. Oh, no, you have to go and sit through like three other panels before the big panel you really want to see. So Dick, I shit you not, I had to sit through the Big Bang Theory. (all laugh)

Sean: Oh, no.

Cantillions: And it... towards-

Dick: Who was in that?

Cantillions: -towards the end... I don't know, some fucking douchebags and writers and one hot chick and then, you know, and a bunch of fangirls who are like crying and screaming the fact that you know Sheldon married some bitch... I don't know.

Dick: Yeah.

Cantillions: I didn't understand shit...

Dick: Bazinga! (imitates chuckling) “nyuh-huh-huh.”

Cantillions: ...I didn't pay attention to a thing. Bazinga! LUL! And... and then...

Dick: I hate that fucking show.

Cantillions: The worst part is that I had to listen to seven thousand people sing the song that I guess is on the show. Happy bunny, fluffy bunny I love you and everybody did a big whole sing-along. It was... it was... it was god awful and then I finally got to the Game of Thrones panel and listened to feminism for about an hour.

Jamie: Oh, no.

Dick: Ohhh you did? Ohh, noo.

Cantillions: Yes. Oh! Oh! Brienne of Tarth I guess is this big feminist, virtue signaling, chick now.

Dick: Oh god.

Cantillions: She don't need no man! And every girl in the entire seven thousand person hall just starts fucking erupting.

Dick: You know what I love about Comic-Con? Chicks say shit that they would never get away with in a bar with like three guys in it. Like, they'll get up on stage and “Women... it's about time that women were empowered and women got more roles in Hollywood!” and then just thunderous applause. Everyone's having their period shoot- but they walk in like one bar and start with that shit and they're gonna have two guys just go “Hey, bitch will you shut the fuck up!” “Uhh, uh, I gotta get out of here! These people are resisting my ideas. I can't... I can't argue logically or passionately against these drunk gentlemen in a bar at three in the afternoon. It's the environment that it is... it's like any... if you're... if you're a chick and you're there you can say and do anything you want and it's so mind warping for these people. Um, I mean, you know, you were there. Probably paid thousands of dollars to be there too.

Cantillions: Oh, I paid two hundred dollars a night to stay at a hostel.

Sean: (imitates chuckling) “Nyuh-huh-huh!”

Cantillions: A hostel with bed bugs. I came home and, like, I'm just fucking, like, all my shit's ruined because, yeah... just yeah... just don't... just don't... just don't do it.

Dick: Well you made the best of it. I'm glad you got me that VHS tape for free that you agreed.

Cantillions: I got you.

Dick: You agreed to.

Cantillions: I agreed to it.

Jamie: We have it on tape.

Cantillions: I'm a bad negotiator.

Jamie: Can't take it back now.

Cantillions: I need to read Art of the Deal.

Dick: Um, you’ve got a good radio voice.

Cantillions: Oh, thanks bro.

Dick: You should call in, we got people like Asterios who call in a middle of having a haircut or while they're fixing their jet airline,you sound great.

Sean: We have had two crystal clear calls, one coming from fucking Scotland!

Dick: Scotland.

Sean: And we're gonna get Asterios on the line.

Dick: He's gonna sound like garbage.

Cantillions: It's going to be all fucked.

Dick: Alright, let me get asterios on the line right now, Cantillions yeah, call in again.

Cantillions: Yeah, thanks Dick, appreciate it.

Dick: See you later, thank you.

Cantillions: Bye.

Sean: Crystal clear.

Dick: Okay, crystal clear. Asterios you there?

Jamie: Uh-oh.

Dick: He’s gonna... he's gonna get his noise chamber.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He's gearing up.

Jamie: Yeah.

Asterios: Hello.

Dick: Hello. How you doing?

Asterios: Can you hear me? (cymbals in the background)

Dick: Yeah, we can hear you.

Asterios: Okay.

Jamie: Are those cymbals?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Are you at the cymbal factory? What are you doing?

Jamie: Is he like in, like, a tower center?

Asterios: We’re doing the 5 minute podcast, we've got the band here.

Dick: You've got a... you've got a band for your 5 minute podcast now?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sean: This is what I expected.

Asterios:They’re a really cool band named Criminals of Crime. They're really funny guys and, uh, yeah, with the 5 minute podcast we do this new video version where it's, like, yeah, play some stuff guys, come on!

(the band starts playing)

Asterios: We've got uh, yeah, where I just tell stories and they just kinda back me up with music. It’s a fun time. So we're shooting all day above a strip club. We’re at the Pumps Recording studio in Brooklyn. And then, uh...

Dick: Asterios doesn't even lead into the drops anymore he just-

Sean: No!

Dick: -instantly does the drops.

Sean: Right into an ad.

Dick: He's found a way to have a live band while he calls in, no keep going they're great.

Sean: His like new superhero name should be The Capitalist.

Asterios: Yeah, I know they're real goddamned good, they're very talented.

Dick: I guess I wanted to talk to you about. (pauses) (Sean laughs)

Jamie: So we get the hook.

Asterios: What?

Dick: No, it's great, I love it. I wanted to talk to you about the Catgirl disavowal. ‘Cause she's going nuts.

Asterios: Yeah, I know.

Dick: But I was hoping WarOfTheFanboys is... would you rather save it ‘till you're actually in here?

Asterios: Yeah, I'm gonna be there on my birthday on August 6th. And I'm going to tell the entire Catgirl story from the beginning. Every weird text she sent me, every odd photo at 2 in the morning, every time she said that her roommate stabbed her with a triangular nazi knife and the cops won't listen to her theories anymore.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: Apparen... Like, I'm gonna tell the whole story, unless of course. (pauses)

(band stops playing)

Asterios: (band starts playing again) (Sean laughs) She decides to step into an MMA fight with my friend Lucy.

Dick: Lucy, who's Lucy?

Asterios: So she's kinda got two options here.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: I've got a friend, Lucy. She really wants to fight Catgirl.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: ‘Cause here's the bit. Catgirl is no longer entertaining. It's actually terrible. I wanna get something good out of this so here's what's up Catgirl, you listen to me. While I fight your fiance, or your PR client, or whatever bullshit you've come up with now, you are banned from the arena. Unless. (pauses)

(band stops playing)

Asterios: (band starts playing again) You agree to fight. Because we've gotta get some kind of entertainment value out of you. Every time you open your mouth it is literally cancer. It is the fucking worst, but if you step into the ring with my friend Lucy and go three rounds of MMA then we're getting something out of you. Seeing you flopping around the ring, and crying, and going “I wasn't ready, I knew I shouldn't gotten with an MMA fighter in crocs. Waah, my shoes hurt!” Like, all of it. But that's it for you Catgirl, you've got one use now, to get beaten up by my friend Lucy. Otherwise leave all of us the fuck alone because you are the worst.

Dick: She sounds of sound mental state to make a deal like that, wouldn't you say, Jamie?

Jamie: Oh, absolutely.

Dick: She stalks your Facebook all the time.

Jamie: Oh god.

Dick: Dropping in.

Jamie: She has been stalking my Facebook.

Dick: That's how chicks work. They find the hottest one and they attack her, to try to... take... to try to wear her skin... Oh, oh!

Jamie: Oh, no.

Dick: She's trying to Buffalo Bill you. That is what they do though.

Jamie: Well, actually she, uh... I made a comment... I made a post about the Linkin Park guy killing himself. And so she goes and she made a comment on every single person who's commented under the link with a suicide prevention hotline and she did it so many times that people started marking it with spam.

Dick: She is, yeah, human spam. Well alright, maybe WarOfTheFanboys will call in when you're in the studio Asterios.

Asterios: Well I'd love to. I'm gonna be down there august 6th, we're gonna have good time.

Dick: Great.

Asterios: And, uh, I can't wait to hear what you've got planned for my birthday. (Dick and Jamie laugh)

Dick: You know what, I do... I need your help on coming up with some clues for the lost episodes.

Asterios: Ohh my god! I mean, I haven't spoken to the Enigma in a while but I can see if I can get him up on his pager.

Dick: Yeah, I need, I wanna do like, a scavenger hunt clues thing for the lost episodes of the Biggest Problem in the Universe, but I need the Enigmas help and hopefully some writers who write for the Enigma so the clues are better. (Sean laughs)

Jamie: Probably need Madcucks too.

Dick: I probably need Madcucks. I need all hands on deck. Coach might even throw in. His clues are gonna be very political in nature. Supreme Court cases, Peruta, uh, another one...

Sean: You'll never find it.

Dick: You'll never find ‘em.

Sean: You'll never find it.

Dick: Alright buddy.

Asterios: Alright I've gotta get back to work.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: Those are the stakes. That's what's up.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: Catgirl, you're simply the worst. You know that song, Simply the Best? You're the opposite of that.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: You step into the ring and you can have some of this precious attention you want. That you can't fuck... oh my god, Dick! The other day she sent me this text. She’s like, “You're blocked forever boo. Goodbye! Block, block, block.” First of, you know when I block someone, I just block them.

Dick: Why does she have your phone number?

Asterios: I'll explain that on the 6th, anyway.

Sean: Okay.

Asterios: So, uh, so then three days later she's on my YouTube comments and she's, like, “Real funny video, Asterios.” and I'm like, wait I thought you blocked me and are all over Twitter calling me a liar, and a phoney, and a fraud, and all this shit. Sorry I knocked your fucking fiance down four times, but you don't need to go nuts about it. Anyway... ah god damn it!

Dick: Fucking live band.

Asterios: So upset! August 6th, I'll be on the Dick Show, we'll settle this.

Dick: Okay, great. We'll see you then.

Asterios: I'll see you then.

Dick: Okay, bye.

Asterios: God damn it!

Dick: Bye.

(music stops)

Dick: Well, he found a way to add...

Jamie: Some pizzazz.

Dick: Just in case there wasn't accidental noise on Asterios’ calls he found a way to make sure there was noise.

Sean: I just feel like he has lost total control of his life.

Dick: No, he's become a beautiful creature, like the red dragon. His involvement in this show has turned him into what he is inside. A pure version of himself.

Sean: He has blossomed into an absolute maniac.

Dick: Yes. I really think that. I think that him being on here and engaging 100% in these shenanigans has transformed him.

Sean: It’s insane.

Dick: Into an immortal being.

Sean: What is he... didn't he just get kicked out of his last place for too much noise?

Dick: Who knows.

Sean: Or, I don't know his roommate or whatever.

Dick: But he's above a strip club right now. Doing 5 minute bonus episodes.

Sean: Podcasts.

Dick: On his podcast.

Sean: With a live band.

Dick: Where he hid the amount of money that he makes every month too.

Jamie: Oh you can do that? You can hide it?

Dick: Yeah. I don't do that.

Jamie: Oh no, I wouldn't.

Dick: I put it out here ‘cause it's not enough. (Jamie laughs) I want... ‘cause that's why you hide it. You hide it ‘cause you're saying, don't think I'm worth this much, I don't want people to know.

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: I think. Thank you everyone who's a patreon to the... to thank you very much. Um...

Jamie: You're welcome, by the way.

Dick: I've got- thank you. (Jamie laughs) I've got one more guy. Then we'll do some voicemails, what do you think?

Sean: Alright.

Dick: Let me see here. Alright DDD. Triple D. My favorite amount of Ds, you there?

DDD: I am here, yeah.

Dick: Oh, ho, ho, alright. Let me read the e-mail you sent me, how ‘bout that?

DDD: Yeah, it's fine.

Dick: It's titled...I think it's titled...Dick, I fucked up.

DDD:Yeah. Dick: Right?

DDD:Yeah, yup.

Dick: Hey Dick, was hoping you could provide a dick tip in regards of my situation, period. Let me give you a short version. If you wanted it really short you wouldn't even say that. You'd just start giving it. I recently fucked a good friend’s wife while blackout drunk. About a week later he came to me in confidence to tell me that he's worried that she's cheating. Oh god. There's more to this story than that, but that's the short version. Do I deny that I did, and hope she doesn't use it as fodder in the middle of a fight, or fess up and face the music? Thanks and go fuck yourself. This is triple D. Alright, buddy what's more to this story? Gow blackout drunk were you? Were you so blacked out that you can't even remember enjoying it?

DDD: Yeah, I don't know how it started or ended.

Dick: How do you know you did it?

DDD:I... because you know you get those like brownout snapshots where you have this still frame of, like, oh yeah, I do know what you look like naked now.

Dick: That's... that's life. I wish I could live my whole life with a brownout snapshots. Those are the best and the worst parts and all the shit in the middle just got erased. Like, you just never remember a day of work in your life. All you remember is the highs and lows. That's heaven. You get there and the guy plays you...

Sean: Did you figure it out?

Dick: Yeah, I figured it out this week. The guy just plays you all the brownout moments of your life. So you remember what she looks like naked, what was that?

DDD:Uh, not not your usual type, I don’t think. Not the triple D not three Ds.

Dick: Four?

DDD:That you're a fan of. (laughs)

Dick: Four Ds?

DDD:Less than one.

Dick: Cs? What are we talking... what does she look like?

DDD:Um, ah, blonde, petite, big ass, but not much on the top half as you are a fan of in my understanding.

Dick: I guess I'll take it. I'll take it you just gotta tell me upfront so I know not to start talking about boobs. You know, with girls, if they don't have it on top but they got it going in the back you just never...boobs never even heard of them. No big deal. (DDD laughs) I don't know what you're talking abou. I'm an ass man through and through. What have boobs ever done for anybody? Nothing.

DDD:Yeah, so I’ve had a fifth of bourbon by myself and I was living actually with these people at the time and I didn't anticipate, I did not anticipate...

Dick: Yeah.

DDD:Seeing, everyone... for the night... everyone had gone out and around midnight, I hadn't finished the bottle yet, but around midnight they came home and husband went to bed and I

was just hanging out, having a completely normal night and, with we were smoking cigarettes and drinking whatever’s fine everything was normal and she made a pass at me, and I...

Dick: What kind a pass?

DDD:...the last thing i remember for the night....

Dick: What kind of pass? What's her move? the, like, not cool. Like, like, started, you know, kissing on me, got on my lap.

Dick: Ooh, jumping in the lap, yeah.

DDD:Yeah, and then I remember saying no, this isn't cool, it's not okay, I'm not gonna swim up the river. So, the mistake I made was not immediately going to bed.

Dick: (interjects) Because, wait a minute, why is it not okay? Because of honor? Stuff like that?

DDD: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, memes?

DDD:I mean, they’re married, and, uh. Dick: Marriage. Another meme, yeah.

DDD:Yeah, and also, I mean, the dude is my friend, you know. I mean... (laughs nervously)I... I... just...

Dick: Guilt.

DDD:I just, uh, yeah. Dick: Yeah.

DDD:I don't know. My dilemma is less so... is less so throwing myself under the buss and moreso knowing that she's obviously gonna do it again and not wanting him to be locked in some shit where she’s fucking around behind his back.

Dick: Yeah, It’s almost like she totally did it on purpose to set up a course of events that would make that known, right?

DDD: Oh, fuck.

Dick: I mean, it’s almost like people get... throw themselves... like it’s... like a guy who just drinks a shitload and then drives all the time being surprised that he kills himself in a drunk driving accident, like, yeah but you kinda were... you kinda were secretly aiming for that weren't you?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that’s the whole point-

Sean: Whether you knew it or not, yeah.

Dick: Whether you knew it or not, you were kinda... you set the trajectory when you were sober.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And then you enjoyed the payoff because in life it's hard to make decisions.

DDD:Fuck, so... (Sean laughs) Dick: So you put yourself, yeah.

DDD:Yeah, it' I just like... I mean, am I a tool in this weird fucked up game that she's playing?

Dick: Everyone is a tool. I don't think it's a fucked up game, but you're basically describing the same situation that's happened to my man. I mean, that's how him and the dutchess... I mean, I don't know the specifics. I'm not gonna say specifically, but he was... he was in a similar situation where he lived... he lived with a couple and things... I think things played out similarly to what's happened to you.

Sean: Mhm.

DDD: Yeah.

Dick: I wouldn't call it a... I wouldn't call it a game, you know?

DDD:Well and it gets worse because you know, I was blacked out drunk and I've got plausible deniability, but I woke up...(silence)

Dick: Uh, oh.

Sean: He just got killed.

Dick: He just got killed. Come back triple Ds.

DDD: Is that better?

Dick: There you are, you're back. Okay, you have-

DDD:Okay, so I... I did black out and then I fucked up but I woke up in the morning to her climbing into my bed, and me going like. “What the fuck are you doing?” and then kinda everything kinda fell into place and I realised what was happening and I realised I had fucked up, and it was a full bottle of wine next to my bed.

Dick: Full bottle?

DDD:So rather than do the responsible thing I just had wine for breakfast and did it again.(Dick laughs)

Dick: Are you are you employed, sir? Do you have a job?

DDD: Yeah, I have a job.

Dick: Okay, what do you do? I mean, not specifically, but what do you do?

DDD: I'm a contractor.

Dick: Okay, that explains... that explains why I have a mismatched door in my house. I had a contractor come over... came over and I said “Look, you got a door...I want a... I don't like this pocket door anymore.” I fucking hate pocket doors! I wanna uninvent the pocket door.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I wanna shoot it into space. Every pocket door on the planet, I wanna...

Sean: Sucks.

Dick: ...go to the house and take a sledgehammer to it.

Jamie: And that one is about the worst one I’ve ever used.

Dick: Worst pocket door ever. Get rid of it! This is how I talk to contractors. Get the fuck rid of it! All I want... I have one condition, that you match the door... you match the rest of the doors in the house when you make this door... when you replace this door. I know that you can do it, because not only is the... is an example of said door in the same room that you're gonna be

working in. There is a closet in that room, with the pocket door that has a regular door. Not only is it in the same... but not... not only is it in the same fucking room. It’s on the same wall! So while you're working on this door, ten feet away is the exact door but I want you to put here, like you're looking in a fucking mirror! I told him all of this! Just pretend that this is a mirror and that's what I want you to duplicate. Hold up your hand, move the mirror. You move the mirror and it's exactly the fucking same! Hard door hardware... the door, whatever it takes! You gotta order it? Order it from... order it from three years ago, I'll pay for it, just get it right! Very... simplest door in the world. Rectangle with two rectangle squares. Not possible to have a more complicated door than this. No molding, gotta be the cheapest door in the world ‘cause it's just barely a blank door. A blank piece of wood that somebody took an elementary routing tool to. Zip, zip, zip, zip, done. Do it again! Done. Simplest door in the world. Duplicate it! You see that knob? Very simple fucking knob, very simple! Nothing crazy about this knob! Simple stainless steel fucking knob.

Sean: Any Home Depot.

Dick: Any Home Depot you can go into, and if you don't find it don't fucking do it!

Sean: But, he had wine for breakfast! (Jamie laughs) After fucking his buddy’s wife. His thoughts were elsewhere.

Dick: And I... yeah.

Sean: As it turns out.

Dick: He's having an existential crisis about honor, and friendship, and manliness, and...

Sean: He can't be worrying about pocket doors.

Dick: Questioning the self, questioning the self over the group, the herd. Very important questions for us ‘cause we evolved to protect the herd, but we don't want to. We don't fucking want to. I walk in, in the middle of this and I say “Umberto-

Sean: Why do you have your dick in the door knob?

Dick: Why are you fucking my door jam, man? (Sean and Jamie laugh) I said “Hey, you got the wrong door. It's got a... you... you brought a door that has a...” and as soon as I say it he already knows it! “Oh, it's not the right door.” It's how he talks. “It's different.”

Jamie: (laughs) No shit.

Dick: “You no like?” (sucks air through his teeth) He does this look, like a like a child sucking air. Like he's getting ready to get hit.

Sean: You want me to get the right one?

Dick: Like, just please... please don't make me do it again. ‘Cause I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway, and I just kinda...

Sean: WHY!

Dick: ...I just-

Jamie: It's because you didn't yell to him in almost right Spanish.

Dick: What was almost right about that Spanish?

Jamie: No, last time you were talking about the guys, outside working in your yard.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: You didn't do that this time. It's why it didn't work.

Dick: It's got a hump on it. And he goes “Oh, you want- you wanted it to match?” Yeah.

Sean: Like I said.

Dick: Like I said. Like I said yesterday, but I said don't fucking do it if it doesn't match. And he goes “Oh, this is this is all they had.” Where is it all they had Umberto? Is it all they had at the Contractor’s Warehouse, that I... that I think that they have every door in the world at? That I think you could replace doors in fucking Versailles? At the Contractor’s Warehouse, where they have metal doors that I can't... that would only be at home in like one house in all of LA? At that Contractor’s Warehouse? ‘Cause I sure fucking doubt they didn't have a rectangle door with rectangle ground molding cut out of it, or whatever it's called. “At Home Depot.” (sighs) Okay, do it again. Do it again. That's my motto for life now, do it again.

Sean: Do it again.

Dick: Do it again. ‘Till it gets to the point where I'm not quite sure if I saved any time by not doing it myself.

Sean: Right.

Dick: But you can't think like that. You just can't. It's a trap. Okay, so you're a contractor.

Jamie: I forgot we had somebody on the line.

Dick: And you start hitting a bottle of wine, you start hitting a bottle of wine early, when she crawled into bed with you. Then what happened? Did you bang her again?

DDD:Yeah, I made the... yeah I lost plausible deniability. Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Yeah,that’s the... that's the Will to Power. Good for you. You already did it, just keep fucking doing it. Right?

DDD: No.

Dick: Did the guilt get worse?

DDD: I mean, what's that?

Dick: Did the guilt get worse after you did it again?

DDD:Oh, it got worse when I sobered up. Sean: Well then, that's you problem.

Dick: Don’t do that, that's your problem. Keep drinking.

DDD:(laughs) I mean, I just... do I just stay the course, do I just keep my fucking mouth shut?

Dick: Well, I mean, yeah. What do you want? Like, what, so... Here's how I think about it. You have... you think you fucked up. These are your guide... these are your terms... your arbitrary terms of what you think you owe people. And by them, you think you’ve violated them. You want to feel better about that, and you're gonna, what, make someone else pay with their ignorance? To make you feel better? That sounds a little selfish to me.

DDD: Yeah, yeah, alright, okay, fair.

Dick: I mean you paid the... you did the crime.

DDD:Yeah, yeah. Dick: As you see it.

DDD:I mean, it's... the crime has been done and she is still hitting me up, like, on a weekly


Dick: Yeah, man, because she wants to be out of that fucking relationship.

Sean: What, are you living with them still?

DDD:No, not anymore, no. Sean: Well I was going to say.

DDD:I left, I’m gone. Sean: Okay.

DDD:It was a temporary living situation and I just moved back, so I- Dick: Do you want anything to do with her?

DDD:No, not at all, god no.

Dick: God no? Only when you're drunk?

DDD:Uh, no only that... that time. Those times. That's the... that 24 hour period.

Dick: Why, were you hard up for a little action?

DDD:uh, yeah, also like, uh, I don't know. I felt like, you know, you have that one friend that uh, that every time you go out there's a fifty-fifty chance as to whether or not you're like, wow that was a great night or god I fucking hate you ‘cause when I... when I said like, “Oh, we should be responsible tonight.” you're like, “Oh, I didn't realize you're a pussy.”

Dick: Yeah, thats me.

DDD:Do you have that friend? That's the relationship that my penis and bourbon have. Half of the time my penis is like, “I don't think it's a good idea bourbon.” and bourbon is like, “Sorry, I didn't realize you're a pussy.”

Dick: Yeah, yeah the bourbon loves you though, the penis doesn't love you.

DDD: No.

Dick: So I think you're gonna be... I think you're gonna be hitting this chick again just based on that. The bourbon doesn't stop calling.

DDD:Yeah. I've been sticking to beer. Jamie: We know where your loyalties lie.

Dick: To bourbon. Bourbon will treat you right. Your dick fucks with you all the time. Your dick, oh, always gotta... always paying for things that my dick did. (Jamie laughs) Not the bourbon though.

Jamie: Never the bourbon.

Dick: ‘Cause your dick can't fuck you out of situations. (Jamie laughs) The dick can fuck you into them, but you can't fuck your way... you can't fuck your way out. You can drink your way out. (DDD laughs) you drink your way in somewhere... you fuck your way... drink your way in bourbon will drink you right the fuck out, Sean.

Sean: You get right back to sober.

Jamie: I hate to say it, but you're right.

Dick: You can't fuck yourself sober. Right?

Sean: Probably not.

Dick: True or false?

Sean: I will go true.(Dick laughs)

Dick: What are you gonna do man, like, what do you wanna protect your friend by telling him that his girl is stepping out on him?

DDD:Well, or I mean, like, would it be better for me to just own up to it now than have it fucking explode later and have that be the way that he finds out?

Dick: I'll tell you what I think would happen if you tell him. He's gonna confront her about it he's gonna be pissed at you and she's gonna be pissed at you.

Sean: Yeah, pretty safe to say.

Dick: And then they're gonna stay together and they're both gonna fucking hate you. That's what I think.

DDD:Yeah, I can live with that. No, I guess... no, alright so, so just so stay the course? Shut the fuck up?

Jamie: Mhm.

DDD:Pretend it never happened? Dick: Yeah.


Dick: I mean, it doesn't get any worse or better if you think on it for a little bit. How close are you with this guy, you go camping together? You jack off in a cell facing away from each other, completely naked?

DDD:Yeah, back to back, you know. Dick: Back to back.

DDD:Yeah, it's a lot easier than using the cell wall. It’s a little bit softer.

Dick: I mean, I don't know. I got a thing with honesty. Whenever anybody says they're being honest it's just usually they use somebody to clear their conscience. That's just kinda how I see it.

DDD: Yeah.

Dick: Or it's something-

DDD:Yeah, I haven't thought about it that way. Dick: I don't know, what do you want out of it?

DDD:I guess clear conscience you're right. No, I mean, I hadn't... I also...I ... I fear, I fear the long term repercussions. But, eh.

Dick: How long ago did this happen?

DDD: A month.

Dick: A month? And you’re still beating yourself up about it?

DDD:Well, no, I mean... I she like she hit me up again this weekend so it's like, I get... I get reminded on a weekly basis now.

Dick: Oh, and you blew her off a little bit?

DDD: Oh, completely.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, man I don't know. I just don't think you’re doing yourself any favors by telling the truth.

DDD:Alright I'll... I'll forget that it ever happened and continue being happy. Dick: What do you think Sean?

Sean: I don't know what telling the truth does except maybe absolve his conscience, but...

Dick: Yeah.

Sean:'s not it's not gonna improve their situation.

Dick: No.

Sean: It's not gonna it's not

Jamie:(speaking over Sean) I can see how you would be afraid of the girl spilling the beans though.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I don't know... I... I don't-

Dick: But you know, you did do the beans.

Sean: Yeah.

DDD: I did do the beans, yeah.

Dick: You gotta kinda... that's the... that might happen.

Jamie: Maybe you should just tell her ahead of time. If you say anything just so you know.

Dick: I'm gonna kill you. Put it in text too, so she has evidence.

Jamie: And or deny.

Sean: Great.

Dick: What are you talking about? Talk to the girl, you think?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: No, that's... then you’re conspiring. You can't do that. You can't trust this woman.

DDD: Oh no, absolutely not.

Sean: No, he just... I mean, if you don't-

Dick: I don't think she’s crazy, I just think it's, you know, desperate times.

Sean: Just stop. Just stop doing it if you don't wanna... if you don't wanna make anything quote unquote worse, just stop doing it. Let them... she's gonna do it with somebody else, like, she's clearly trying to firebomb this relationship.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I mean that's their... the relationship is done in one way or another.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's just with you, with somebody else, whatever, so.

DDD:Yeah, I don't... I don't get the impression that I was the first or the last. Dick: Yeah.

Sean: No, probably not.

Dick: Yeah. I mean, you can talk to your buddy without-

Sean: He probably... he probably might even know.

Dick: He probably fucking knows. Of course he knows, that's why he said I think my- I have never thought my girlfriend was cheating on me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe, I don't... maybe they were, but I never had that, like, idea. I never had a suspicion.

Sean: No.

Dick: Yeah. I've had a suspicion that they were checking texts and I go right for it. Hey!

Sean: The fuck!?

Dick: You doing this shit?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, what makes you a rage, man?

DDD: Well, thanks for letting me call in.

Dick: Yeah, what makes you a rage? Tell me real quick.

DDD:Uh, Jesus, most of it is like, English related. I hate the phrase “I'm weird like that”.

Dick: Oh yeah, me too.

DDD:It's... ‘cause it's always some mundane bullshit that nobody cares about like, you're not weird at all. That's why you're trying to sell me on that ‘cause you're just... you're boring.

Dick: I'm so unique, I just-

DDD: Yeah.

Dick: I accept the weirdness, I embrace it. I get these... I get, like, these things in my eyes when I wake up. I don't know if you do, but there's these like little crusty deposits when I sleep. I'm just weird like that, I don't know. You probably don't because you're so normal, but I do.

DDD:I worked food service for a long time and I had a woman call in and order a sandwich and said... asked about vegetables on her sandwich. Abridged version. And she's like, “I don't really eat vegetables, I'm kinda weird like that.” like, A) you're not weird. You're just a fat bitch, and B) like, it's America. There’s nothing... I don't know if you know anything about vegetables in America but that’s not our primary source of sustenance. You're not weird at all you're just... you're just a fat broad.

Dick: Yeah. Alright, thanks buddy.

DDD: Thanks.

Dick: Good luck. Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad, man.

DDD: I won't.

Dick: Just... everybody is a virtual person in a simulation that you created to entertain yourself before you're dead. Nothing, nothing is real.

Sean: Oh, that's right, that's right.

Dick: Yeah, don't worry, don't worry about that.

Sean: It helps to remember that.

Dick: It helps to remember that. This is all... we're all an experiment created by Elon Musk to test the limits of human fallibility. And he's... you're... you happen to be...

DDD: I'll bear that in mind.

Dick: Just bear it in mind, no one is real.

DDD:I will go rob a bank I think, just for that reason. Dick: Only you.

Sean: I'm glad you reminded me of that.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I'm gonna have a hell of a good week this week.

Dick: Alright, take it easy triple Ds.

DDD:Alright, Bye.

Dick: Alright Jamie. Let’s get to some news please.

Jamie: Some news, alright so I don’t think anybody can ignore the top story this week, and that's the juice is loose.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Oh. OJ.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: My fellow Buffalo Bills.

Dick: Yeah. (Jamie laughs)

Jamie: So he's... he's been paroled.

Sean: Uh-huh.

Jamie: And like many people I think that when I first saw... the TV that I saw it on, it was muted, so I didn't know what was going on, but I thought it was something related to the original, you know, his ex wife and whether or not he killed them, but it's not. He was arrested and charged for-

Dick: Robbery.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, stealing his shit back, from like the-

Jamie: I had no idea.

Dick: You didn't know that? You Millennials. You don't know shit about what's happening.

Jamie: Speaking of Millennials.

Sean: You didn't know that’s what he was in jail for?

Dick: No, Millennials, man.

Jamie: I didn't care. I don't really think I cared.

Sean: Did you know he was in jail?

Jamie: No.

Dick: Nah.

Sean: Oh, you didn't even... just dropped of the radar, alright.

Dick: Millennials. Classic Millennial.

Jamie: I see you over there wearing that Millennial shirt too.

Dick: 1980 bitch. Space shuttle. This was this was an invention for us. I'm wearing a shirt that has a space shuttle on in the 1980 ‘cause that's when I was born. This was a big deal to us.

Jamie: I know.

Dick: We saw one of these fucking things explode.

Jamie: You and your old Millennials.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. That was a tragedy to us.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: What do you guys have? The day that...

Jamie: Oh, no, you guys-

Dick: ...Rihanna got her ass kicked, that was your challenger. Oh! Oh! The day that One Direction broke up. Is that a... is that a thing? That Zach guy. Oh, no! We had a fucking multimillion dollar scam blow up on... going to outer space. It was a big fucking deal to little kids.

Jamie: See, I knew you would be salty about it.

Dick: Yeah, I am.

Jamie: Trying to say that you're not a Millennial. You know what's funny is, after I talked about that people started posting links, and getting really into, like, researching it. A couple of the links that were posted actually made you a Millennial too.

Dick: We're all Millennials.

Sean: You know what?

Dick: My dad is a Millennial.

Sean: I know, I saw that. It’s like, I'm way... I'm old! I'm fucking old!

Dick: Doesn't have a Twitter account. Classic Millennial.

Sean: Yeah, right?

Dick: Classic Millennial.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Generation z.

Dick: Classic.

Sean: The fuck?

Dick: Always wears... always wears the same fucking shirts like a cartoon.

Sean: Classic.

Dick: Classic Millennial.

Sean: Millennial.

Dick: Classic Millennial move. You know what a fidget spinner is?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Millennial.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: Classic Millennial.

Jamie: Total Millennial.

Dick: The juice is loose?

Jamie: The juice is loose.

Dick: I'm so happy.

Jamie: Almost.

Dick: What do you mean, almost?

Jamie: Well, I think he gets paroled in October.

Sean: October, I think.

Jamie: Mhm. So he's not out yet.

Dick: Ooh, just in time for Halloween.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Everyone can go around with OJ masks.

Sean: He's gonna go around dressed as the real killer. (Dick laughs)

Jamie: Yeah.

Sean: Go... he’ll go and whiteface and look like... have a briefcase, I don't-

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: I think his offer of 500 thousand dollars is still, like, open.

Dick: To find the real killer?

Jamie: I think it's still there.

Dick: Huh.

Jamie: Yeah. Pretty interesting. Pretty interesting stuff with that guy. But the thing that I found funny though is... you know he talks about how he has lost so much money on all this and his civil suits, he’s paid so much. But that guy is actually still making a lot of money.

Dick: Because of the NFL pension.

Sean: Well, they can't touch the NFL pension.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: Yeah, so he gets a pension from the NFL, but he also gets a pension from the Screen Actors Guild as well.

Dick: Yeah for Naked Gun.

Sean: Yeah, he did like-

Dick: Ah, man did Leslie Nielsen ever weigh in on OJ? I would love... I would love that weigh in. That one liner.

Sean: Yeah. “I love it.”

Dick: Yeah. OJ? What do you think of OJ? Well, I know his performance was killer.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: Pretty good.

Jamie: Sorry, I’m pulling up the next one.

Dick: It’s okay. We'll wait. It's been a long, long day.

Sean: Mm.

Jamie: Okay, next news item. No, a fart did not cause an American Airlines flight to be evacuated from all of its passengers, so apparently-

Dick: Oh, this is no-news?

Jamie: Yes.

Dick: This is what you thought was news... is not.

Jamie: There was some fake news. And they had to correct it. So apparently a couple of weeks ago there was an American Airlines plane and they had to deboard all of the passengers because of a fowl, fowl smell.

Dick: A fart. (Jamie laughs)

Jamie: And that's what ended up being reported. Legitimately reported.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: That somebody had farted.

Dick: Okay

Jamie: And said it was so bad and people were like, (imitates belching) making those hack noises.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: And they had to deplane everybody because of a fart.

Sean: Uh-huh

Jamie: And it got legitimately reported. But they had to come back and say “No, there was actually some kind of a gas leak on the plane.”

Sean: From the septic system.

Dick: From an asshole.

Sean: You think? Yeah.

Jamie: So they, yeah. Fake news is, you know taking over the internet.

Dick: Do you fart on planes Sean?

Sean: I'm sure I have.

Dick: What do you mean, you're sure you have? You don't know?

Sean: I can't think of, like, oh, yeah I'm on a plane... I never made that connection. I mean-

Dick: I have. ‘cause it's a... it's a conscious decision.

Sean: Well no-

Dick: Like that guy, sleeping with his friend’s wife.

Sean: You gotta know, you know what kind of artillery you're bringing though.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: But you don't know. You don't know until it's out.

Sean: You have an idea.

Dick: I don't know, man.

Sean: You have an idea.

Dick: But it’s always the one in a million that you're like “Fuck.”

Sean: You know what you did. Got a fart... I got a farting on a plane story. I used to go fishing. Not me, somebody else though.

Jamie: Right, I'm so sure.

Sean: Used to fly Arrow- what was it?

Dick: His name was Jon Sacobson. (all laugh)

Jamie: Arrow Mexican?

Sean: Arrow California. Yeah, Jon Sacobson.

Dick: Jon Sacobson.

Sean: I used to go fishing.

Dick: The chick magnet. Magnet. Yeah.

Sean: Every year in Baja. My friend’s father owned this... owned this company. All the employes, a lot of the vendors and stuff used to go down. It was just a drunken... it was like an all... it was in this little town called Loreto. Baja. All it was, was a little fishing village. Two or three days of fishing and just drunken debauchery.

Dick: What would you fish for?

Sean: Depending on the time of year.

Dick: Yes.

Sean: It was usually, like, Dorado, Tilefish.

Dick: Dorado.

Sean: Usually, yeah, you catch a lot of Dorado, cuts of Sailfish, stuff like that in the summer time.

Dick: You would?

Sean: But it's... yeah, yeah, Sea of Cortez, right? So it's’s like a 105 degrees and flat as a pool.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: Beautiful, but, oh man, we poisoned ourselves.

Dick: That’s where my people are from. What did you drink there?

Sean: Everything.

Dick: Okay, that checks out.

Sean: Yeah. So you can imagine, you know, people’s guts are... are not, you know, in very good shape.

Dick: A bunch of white guys going down...

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: ...a 105 degrees sea of glass in Sea of Cortez.

Sean: And, see, the thing was, e would go down but there would also be, you know, on this plane there would be like, you know, old little couples who would go down, just because it was quiet and it’s like, their little vacation spot and meanwhile this drunken rowdy... 30 drunken rowdy assholes, most of whom are cheating on their wives with, like, the hotel maids and things like that.

Dick: Those hotel maids don’t beat themselves up like that guy does.

Sean: There was a no, there was ano cameras policy. It was those kind of guys. So it was like, o pictures, no nothing.

Dick: Good.

Sean: ‘Cause, yeah, anyway. We were going home.

Dick: Sean was there like a preacher “Oh, you guys shouldn't be doing this.” (laughs)

Sean: Preaching to the wind at all times. (Jamie laughs) So, this like, I'll never forget his name. Gary. Just a little old asian couple sitting next to all of us rowdy asses. This was even back when you were allowed to smoke on the airplanes in international flights.

Dick: Oh, man, dope.

Sean: People were smoking.

Jamie: Yeah.

Sean: And his stomach must've just been rotten ‘cause he just apparently unleashed just a wallpaper peeler. (Jamie laughs) And, like, it hits like entire back third of the plane, like, you wouldn't fucking believe. Like, my shirt is over my nose. And then he gets up because he's gotta go to the bathroom obviously.(Jamie laughs)

Dick: Because he shit his pants.

Jamie: He has to check.

Sean: Probably.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: No, and this little asian woman just goes “You no fair!” (Jamie laughs) “You no fair!”

Dick: You no fair?

Sean: Yeah, like, that's not fair. But it was like, you, you no fair. Wretched. Absolutely wretched.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: Wow.

Sean: And that was my farting on a plane story.

Dick: What other news do you have?

Sean: It was awful.

Jamie: Okay. So, do any of you remember all of the gross accusations against R. Kelly?

Dick: Like, he pissed on a little girl?

Jamie: I mean, I've heard that one too.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: He's got more? What else does he got?

Jamie: He's got more. The Grammy Award winning artist was accused by multiple women over several years of having sexual relationships with minors, sometimes videotaping it.

Dick: Ugh.

Sean: Chuck Berry.

Jamie: And creating Child Pornography.

Dick: Wow.

Jamie: So now he's officially in trouble for it again. And so, there's people coming forward and saying they, uh, you know, were involved in these videos. But they're not actually charging him for... they're not able to use these videos of this child pornography because they're saying the evidence was obtained illegally, so now that makes me wonder, like, what is this actual evidence and now that it was obtained illegally it will never see the light of day.

Dick: Was it pissed on stuff?

Jamie: Who knows?

Dick: I love... I love when those celebrity, like sexual predator news items drop.

Jamie: Yeah.

Dick: Try to...see, see, see, see?

Jamie: Aha.

Dick: Ah, don't... I'm... I'm better. I'm not those guys. They're rich and famous...

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: ...but you know they're all this. Make sure... make sure you get that... get that out to as many people as possible. So I can be a shoulder... boner to cry on...

Jamie: Boner to cry on. (laughs)

Dick: the 2-1 Express would say.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: I just want it to be true so bad, even though it hurts other people. Like, come on! Just make it true! Please tell me it's true!

Jamie: I do have a confession to make though. That R. Kelly is one of those people where I almost don't care.

Dick: I, why?

Jamie: Because I really like his song remix - Ignition.

Dick: Oh, oh, you don't care. No, Jamie, none of us care.

Jamie: Oh, some people care.

Dick: You know, it’s actually-

Jamie: Especially when it comes to kids.

Dick: They don't really. They just wanna be on TV. They just wanna be on TV talking about it. “I care so much about R. Kelly and these, like, a couple of people that he's assaulted”

Jamie: Somebody, please think of the children!

Dick: And what about all like, what about all the rampant death and shit hap- “Ah, this is... it’s just so much more important what R. Kelly is doing in this one instance of one guy harming people. That's so much more insidious!” Okay. It's not just ‘cause he's famous and you wanna glomb on? “Nooo!” Does that makes sense or is it drunk rambling?

Sean: I don’t know.

Jamie: Both.

Dick: It’s both?

Jamie: That’s what I think.

Dick: It just is, we need that computer to tell us what’s a big problem or not ‘cause I don't think R. Kelly-

Jamie: Is a big problem?

Dick: Well...

Jamie: Would you say that? (laughs)

Dick: I mean, I don’t think R. Kelly is a big problem ‘cause how much... how much could one guy... how much could one guys piss do? (Jamie laughs)

Jamie: How much can he have?

Dick: You can only piss so many times in a day. So you can only assault... you can only piss on so many people. Women? Yeah, ‘cause if it was man that would-

Sean: As opposed to how many times can a pug give a nazi salute.

Dick: Nazi salute. All day.

Sean: All day long, there's no-

Dick: You gotta knock that guy out.

Sean: Yeah, he's got lots of those in reserve.

Dick: Our priorities have gotten real fucked up man.

Sean: Yeah, oh.

Dick: R. Kelly pissing on people? Who fucking cares?

Sean: Nazi pugs.

Dick: How many... what the hell are you guys talking about. This goes on... you just know about this one ‘cause he's famous... it's happening all the time. All country is thick as thieves. The whole world is thick as thieves with this shit. You're worried about this one guy? Well what do you think that's gonna stop? Nothing! Like a... a dozen people? No, that’s... that’s zero! For me to know about this. For any of us to know about this.

Sean: Well that sells ads.

Dick: That's it. Yeah, okay. I'm trying to shift drunk gears.

Sean: Mm.(Jamie laughs)

Dick: I don't think it's working.

Sean: Stirring.

Dick: I think my clutch got jammed. Come on you bitch! Get in I need you to get out of...

Sean: You just went from second back to first.

Dick: ...I need to... you’ve gotta get... get out of maudlin mode. I’m trying to shift out of maudlin and get into, like, jovial drunk but it’s not working.

Sean: Ah, okay.

Dick: The gearbox is jammed. Alright what else you got?

Jamie: Well I did have one more but i think I'm gonna skip it just because the episode is getting really long.

Dick: Why? No, no, no.

Jamie: But I'll give you-

Dick: The episode goes as long as I'm sitting here.

Jamie: I'll give you the overview then, of it. Apparently California just now extended some kind of cap and trade law for carbon emissions. And everyone is just you know, they’re so proud of themselves, are very excited talking about it. About how California has just, you know, taken such a great step forward and everyone should be-

Dick: Carbon emissions.

Jamie: Yeah, and... but it's just because of all the smog that you guys have.

Dick: We do have a lot of smog.

Jamie: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It's all from Mexico. Floats down here from Mexico.

Sean: Right.

Dick: We don't make any.

Sean: Won't happen after the wall.

Dick: We just all... we... yeah all we do is acting and we just have-

Jamie: Emissions.(laughs)

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: -emissions free coffee, cafes, where we sit around and talk about our ideas for how we're better than everyone in the world. There's no... we don't produce any emissions. It's all Mexico. It floats over LA and we take it out of the goodness of our hearts. We take this smog and keep it like a foster child over the city.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Do we do that? We've got some kind of emissions thing?

Jamie: Yeah. Well you already had it but it was extended.

Sean: Mhm.

Jamie: But they're just... they're making a big deal out of it and patting themselves on the back over it.

Dick: You know what? You know what always annoys me about the global warming thing, and the emissions? Is like when they say that 97% of scientists agree.

Sean: Yeah. Or, yeah 98.

Dick: 98? Whatever it is... it's like well who were the... those 3 guys?

Sean: The ones who were on the oil companies... studies founded by the oil companies.

Dick: I think the oil companies could fund a lot more than 3% of scientists.

Sean: But you can't... yeah... but you don't get all the scientists to say what they want them to say. Some may actually have some kind of, like, integrity.

Dick: In science?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: No.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: You are overestimating people.

Sean: I, no, I-

Dick: They need to work just like everybody else. They need that grant money.

Sean: I think there are people, well, I think-

Dick: You think that 97% percent of any group is, like, honorable? And has integrity?

Sean: Depends on the group. I don't think-

Dick: You think scientists, though?

Sean: I think not all groups are equal.

Dick: But you think scientists?

Sean: I think they’d be a much higher percentage than, than, other groups perhaps?

Dick: I don’t know, man.

Sean: Pugs?

Dick: Than pugs, pugs will do whatever you tell them to do as long as there is a treat involved.

Sean: Yeah. I think those-

Jamie: I think there is a treat involved.

Dick: Money?

Jamie: Mhm.

Dick: With, what? 3%? I mean, if... if you're saying that 3% of people are-

Jamie: As far as integrity goes, I'm on scientists. They're still getting paid.

Dick: They're all getting paid. But I wo- like... it's like... oh, 97% like... only 3% disagree, like, I'm thinking, well what do the 3% say? And why? Like, if it's an... if it’s an oil company thing I think they'd get to more than 3 fucking percent. I think they could infect, like, I don't know 90. If we're being honest.

Sean: I don't know. I don't think they could affect that much.

Dick: I don't know man, money does... money talks loudly.

Sean: It does, it does.

Dick: And scientists are not, they're smart in their field, but they do not... like they'll get rooked left and right. That's like your valedictorian in high school. You picture him going off and becoming... he's off in the biggest sucker in the... like if you would... if you brought that guy to like a poker game you’d say, like, “Look, ey, ey, ey, just don't talk. ‘Cause you're kind of a fucking doofus.” Right? You don't understand how people are taking... you understand facts and figures but you don't understand people.

Sean: I think a lot of scientists, they just want to do their research. Whatever it is.

Dick: Yeah, but you're-

Sean: And they want... and they want... i don't think a lot of them would be able to be influenced to make... you're supposed to... you've got ego that comes into it.

Dick: Yeah, oh yeah.

Sean: And it's not supposed to. It's not supposed to.

Dick: So, here's the reality of science.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's all I'll say and then we’ll play some voicemails. They have to get funding or they are in the unemployment line. I mean, they’s so... getting funded is so ingrained in the world of research and science that they won’t even... the actual research guys won’t even do... they'll hire soft money grant guys, they're called. Who, all they do is write papers that produce results and they put their name on it like like a guy writing a movie that puts his... like this guy gets... like a celebrity. This guy gets asses in the seats we're putting him on top of the research grant proposal and they'll come in and write it and take like 10% of the grant and that's their job.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And they'll go... they're like, I know the climate, I understand, like... it... it’s so.... all I'm

saying is that the... as, if you run it like a business where they have to get money no matter what or else they're dying. They gotta get money and they gotta get admissions. They gotta get people applying to school. If you look at it from, like, that point of view.

Sean: Well most research is done at universities, correct?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And they get funding from all over the place.

Dick: Yeah. Grants, behests, wills.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't know. That's all like, if I look at it... like, if I look at it like a business I'm like, where the hell are the-

Sean: So who-

Dick: What do the dissenters say?

Sean: So, who's influencing who? You know what I mean? Like, where do they... like the global warming thing. Where did that... did a bunch of people go “We must be fucking shut up! Scientists come up with a bunch of facts and figures that-”

Dick: Show me that we are.

Sean: Show me that we are. Do you think that's how it happened? I don't think that's how it happened.

Dick: I don’t know, man. I look at... I look at all of it and I see a big old question mark. I look at all of the papers and everything and I get back to the aspartame thing and I'm like, I don't know.

Jamie: I was just about to say.

Dick: I don't get it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't. I see everything and it doesn't lead me... not only does it not lead me to make a decision. But it definitely does lead me to get pissed off.

Sean: There's no doubt that the longer you study something. You're probably going to arrive at a better or more complete answer.

Dick: Yeah, but then you got, like, people... people questioned quantum theory when it came out.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: And they didn't get nailed, they didn't get called like a deny- you know what I'm saying?

Sean: No.

Dick: Because it wasn't the same emotion.

Sean: Because it's too abstract.

Dick: Why?

Sean: Too philosophical.

Dick: Because there's, like, if... I'm saying if elon musk had a car that ran on a classical mechanics to a quantum level it would be that. It would suddenly be as emotional provoking as global warming. You know what I'm saying? Like Tesla posted profits and it was the exact amount of subsidy that we just gave them.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Like, where did this fucking money come! Like, there you... there you go! That's a good smoking gun to me.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I still don't know. What... but it's I see that someone has a clear fucking motive to take money for this.

Sean: So, why wouldn't there be a bigger split amongst the... if the oil companies who can get to a lot more... do you know what I'm saying?

Dick: That's what I'm asking.

Sean: If everybody is basically... if everybody is just basically parroting a line.

Dick: Yeah.

Dick: But then, like, look at Count Dankula. He's going to fucking jail. How many people... like, he's going... that guy might go to jail for something that is absolutely nothing.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: All it would take is 10 thousand people to get a gun, storm the jail and just break him out and say you know what? If you guys send him to jail we'll fucking kill you.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: This is... his we can absolutely do this. This is a workable solution, but they just will go along with it because that's what we do. We gotta protect the herd. It's similar to me.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: I'm not making... I'm not making the point well. ‘Cause I've had a... I've had a mason... a spaghetti jar of booze. But that's my point. It’s just when you get there and say, hey do you agree or not and by the way we're keeping this on your permanent record so if you wanna get grant again you better give me the fucking... you better give me a safe answer.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't know. I don't know. I'm very suspicious of it though.

Sean: Yeah, I don't know then you... you go down the rabbit hole of, do you believe anything? Like, do you think there's any real research being done or do you think it's because it's funded by anybody, you know? Who has an agenda? I really do believe-

Jamie: We've come full circle.

Sean: I really do believe that there are people and groups who just want answers.

Dick: Do you know-

Sean: No matter, no matter what they are.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I'm in that group.

Dick: You just want an answer right away.

Sean: I wanna know the facts.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I want to know the facts and I don't want to listen to stuff that's, you know, what I mean?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I want peer reviewed, published... I want it tested, and tested, and tested, and the whole point is to poke holes. Trying to disprove this, trying to disprove that. It's like, look for what’s wrong. Keep looking for what's wrong with it. The methodology is fucked but it's like, I want the answer. I want the answers. Just because I want to know. For no other reason than that.

Dick: We’ve got a habit of that though. We wanna know where fire comes from so we say, oh Plato says, oh it comes from these four elements that are in everything. Fire, earth, wind, water. Firewood has got... has all this fire element in it. It's elemental- people are saying, hey man, what the fuck are you talking about? That's retarded. Oh excuse me. That's a... no it's not. No it's fucking not! Just because we want to know doesn't mean that we know.

Sean: No.

Dick: And we've been doing it... we've been doing it for ever. That's the only reason that I bring up the Plato thing.

Sean: But you have to... you've gotta try. At some point you're gonna realise that it's a quote. Everything we thought on that is wrong.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Onto the next thing. But there are certain things that we know. There are some things that we've figured out. You know?

Dick: Yeah, we did. I don't think that we've figured this one out yet.

Sean: Who knows. I don't know. It seems to, uh-

Dick: It's getting more expensive though.

Sean: Yeah, I-

Dick: That's what I'm saying with Jamie’s

Sean: I don't know why... I remember after...after An Inconvenient Truth there were a lot of climatologists who signed a... it was kind of like a petition saying cool the rhetoric.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Like, what's put forth in that movie is not what the model shows.

Dick: Yeah and you're gonna fuck up our money train.

Sean: It's just that... it's like

Dick: If you keep humping this you're gonna fu- people are gonna get burned out and you're gonna fuck up our money train.

Sean: Yeah, no, and these...

Dick: That's what I see in that.

Sean: ...these were people from across... these were people from across the spectrum. Not necessarily the ones who he would call out from, you know, being funded by special interests and which, you know, special interests are a huge impediment to the truth, I think.

Dick: Why?

Sean: Because everybody has an agenda.

Dick: Even the individuals... the individuals doing research independently have the biggest special interest that there is. Self preservation. They gotta eat.

Sean: They do.

Dick: the Doc Browns of the world. Hey, build us a nuclear bomb! Alright. I'm gonna fucking...I’m gonna fill it with used pinball parts and give it back to you because I'm making my fucking time machine.

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: I don't know.

Sean: Yeah, yeah I don't know.

Dick: I don't think you're wrong.

Sean: No, I don't-

Dick: I mean, I don’t think you’re... I don't think that's a bad way to look at it.

Sean: No, I think that they're... I think there are always people who just wanna know the truth.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But they'll do... they’ll do something else. If they feel like they’re... they'll do something else if they think they're manipulated into, into doing something.

Jamie: The problem with wanting to know the truth is that you have to rely on your own, um, effort.

Dick: You've gotta find it.

Jamie: Into finding it.

Dick: You've got to find that fucking truth.

Jamie: And that's what makes us all so tired now.

Sean: And you can't-

Dick: I give you a poem, find me the truth in that poem. You'll come up with something. We train ourselves to do it. We train kids to do it. I'm gonna give you something that cannot be explained in any way.

Sean: I you say that there is truth in this poem. Now if you say, yeah, if-

Dick: You write me an essay. You find something. Look at this problem. You see all these hockey sticks and weather, find something.

Sean: There may... there may or may not be truth in this poem.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That's a different way to frame it

Dick: It's different, it's rare.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think people think about it that way.

Sean: No, not most, but.

Dick: Alright this has been The Dick Show. Jamie what makes you a rage by the way?

Jamie: By the way? (laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: Every single person who has ever parked next to my car. (Dick laughs) Every. Single.

Dick: Yeah, yeah and now that I've got a new truck I'm like, I need my own parking lot. I need my own level. If I see another car approach it. You get the fuck outta here.

Jamie: Start getting like a hackle up in your neck, like, m, no. Yeah, your eyes start twitching.

Dick: Mhm, give me that murderer twitch.

Jamie: Mhm, and I park far away from people if I can. If there's space for it I will park, you know closer to the back. Because I'm in shape. I can walk. I don't care. I don't need... I don't need to-

Dick: Walking has nothing to do with being in shape. I'm extremely in shape, I can't walk ten feet before getting winded.

Jamie: Right.

Dick: So let’s not promote that myth.

Jamie: Mhm, sure. But if I can't. I will hunt, not for a parking spot that's necessarily closer, but I'm looking for who I'm parking next to.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: And I know that it sounds bad, but the only people that I trust to park next to me are me, and people with nicer cars than me.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Mm.

Dick: But not too nice! Because then they use your car like tissue paper.

Jamie: Right, yeah, no, I can see that.

Dick: Like, kick it open.

Jamie: I can see that. But sometimes whenever I park my car. I'll fiddle around on my phone. I don't know if anyone else does this, but I will definitely sit there for a few minutes.

Dick: Usually women get in their car to leave and start fiddling around with their phone.

Jamie: You’re right.

Dick: They get in there, they'll be in there for an hour and a half before they pull out.

Jamie: Yeah, so, maybe it’s The Dick Show Reddit. I'll be on my phone just screwing around with something... Facebook. And then somebody just pulls up... parks next to me, so you give them the side eye, like, I'm watching you. And you know they're... it's almost like, when you go into a bathroom stall and there's a person in there already and that you can tell they want you to leave.

Dick: Wait, wait. I'm sorry. You go into a bathroom stall that someone is already occupying and they want you to leave?

Jamie: Because, because they're -

Dick: Because they're in the middle of taking a shit. What do you-

Jamie: Because they, yeah, exactly. They don't want you to hear it so then they just sit there. But then the other person-

Sean: I know what you're thinking.

Jamie: The other person also wan-

Dick: You didn't mean stall, yeah. (Jamie laughing)

Jamie: The other person also wants to... and so they're waiting and so(stammering)

Dick: It's a shit stalemate.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's the worst. You both walking in-

Sean: The Mexican shit off.

Dick: Alright you son of a bitch!

Jamie: But that's, what’s-

Dick: I've got news for you pal, I'm not keeping it quiet.

Jamie: (laughing) Yeah.

Dick: I'm not gonna try to squeak it through because I'm gonna blow all this through me with maximum fucking force.

Jamie: Well that doesn't happen in girls bathrooms.

Dick: Yeah, right. You guys shit like a fucking orchestra.

Jamie: Well I know, but they they wanna do it in peace. They don't want anyone to know. That’s why there’s a stalemate. But I feel like the same thing is happening with the cars because that person, they want you to get out so that they don't have to care whether or not they're opening their door into you.

Dick: Yeah.

Jamie: And so it's like, you see it and so i'll just sit there and I know that I'm kinda giving them that look, like, oh I know... I know what you want to do.

Dick: Aha.

Jamie: And so finally with exasperation. They open the door and you can tell if somebody melts out of their car door in order to not touch the side of your car.

Dick: Can you do that again just so we can get a clear understanding? Yeah, that’s good.

Jamie: But you know what I'm talking about there’s no... if I wasn't in my car there’s no way that they would give a damn whether or not they're opening their car door into mine. And you know what makes it even worse is... and I know I’m gonna get railed for this but, like if they have kids.

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: Sorry you just said railed and both of us had a, uh...

Jamie: Men.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Jamie: Make me a rage.

Dick: Were not the ones with the-

Sean: You didn’t know whether to think about-

Dick: -suggestive language.

Sean: You didn’t know whether to think about crossword puzzles or women did you? The term railed.

Dick: Uh-huh, so you were getting railed.

Jamie: So they, no if they have kids. Now, like, if they're getting out of their car and you already... you have the first chance of having your door hit with them getting out of their car but then they gotta go to the door behind them and open it up and try to get somebody out the car seat or whatever, get the stroller out.

Dick: Double whammy.

Jamie: And you know that their but is just hitting the side of the door and it’s just like-

Dick: Grinding those-

Jamie: -just...

Dick: So too skinny of parking spaces.

Jamie: It doesn’t matter..

Dick: Too slim.

Jamie: No, it’s not necessarily about that, like, they could just be parked too close and not wanna re-park.

Dick: But I’m talking about you have parking spaces that are 40 feet wide. Like an RV space. And I park in the middle of it and I've got 20 feet on either side of me.

Jamie: I mean, I would love to do that, but...

Dick: That’s what I want.

Jamie: ...where are all these parking spaces at?

Dick: They need to start.

Jamie: Yeah. Way bigger.

Dick: They need to be way bigger.

Jamie: Because it’s just, when you have a car that you actually like I feel very protective.

Dick: What kind of a car do you drive?

Jamie: A challenger.

Dick: Challenger.

Jaime: My black mini.

Dick: Right, I mean that has... you’re saying that and Generation Xers like me and Sean have bad memory.

Sean: Or Millennials.

Dick: No, Millennials don’t know about the challenger. The challenger explosion. They don’t know about that shit. They think everything the government does works. That’s why they’re so stupid.

Jamie: Oh, but there was that other one that exploded.

Sean: Yeah.

Jamie: Way over where i grew up. Dallas.

Sean: Was it the Columbia?

Jamie: I think so, yeah.

Dick: Yeah-

Jamie: It blew right over my high school. Well not right over but some of the parts flew into the city where I-

Sean: It spread parts over like 5 states.

Dick: Mhm.

Sean: It was crazy.

Dick: Skeet, skeet, skeet. Right? Alright this has been The Dick Show! Thank you, go to dickshow dot dick dot show We'll see you next Tuesday. This one is by Max Cinderman. Dear Dick and Sean I'm a long time musician for the past year I've been pursuing my dream of becoming a full time professional musician.

Sean: Oh, you poor bastard.

Dick: Yeah, no shit. Though I've been pretty successful so far I feel crippled by the fact that I completely suck at mixing and engineering it's a big. Yeah.

Sean: Oh, me too.

Dick: Forcing me to shill out hundreds of dollars every time I want to complete a recording project. For the past couple of months I've been making a personal effort to hone my mixing and mastering skills by taking advantage of YouTube lectures and tutorials. You should do some of those.

Sean: Yeah. It’s in the works.

Dick: You should do some podcast ones.

Sean: Yes, I know we've talked about this.

Dick: Alright. For my first project...

Sean: It’s coming.

Dick: ... I've decided to put together a death metal cover of the theme to one of my favorite podcasts. It will surely be an anthem to raise the dickhead army from hell. I'm hoping that Sean with all his audio wisdom will be willing to rate my mix on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being complete dogshit and 10 being complete dog shit.

Sean: Oh.

Dick: He doesn’t say that, I said that. Because i don’t think you need to explain a 1 to 10 scale. Thanks for the great podcast and hope you enjoy. Yours truly Don the almost audio engineer. You wanna hear it?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You wanna hear it in .mp3 or .wav format? Does it matter? (stammers) Audiotistically does it matter?

Sean: Well it’s coming through.

Dick: .mp3 is fine?

Sean: Play the .wav

Dick: Oh, play the .wav, shit I already clicked on the .mp3. Alright, I'm playing the .wav

(Death metal version of The Dick Show Theme song plays)

(jamie laughs)

Dick: I caught myself.

Jamie: Sean is nodding.

Dick: Caught my hair in the mic cable. (Jamie laughs) Sean’s like Max Weinberg. He goes to shows and just nods. Appreciatively, Affirmatively. Jesus christ I got a real tangle on the-

Sean: You got caught in the shock mount.

Dick: What do you think so far? 1 to 10.

Sean: Got room to grow. Got a...

Dick: What's that, like a 5? 7?

Sean: He's in the middle.

Dick: Well that’s 5.

Sean: Just some stuff carved, yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Just gotta, he’s gotta carve those drums and-

Dick: What do you mean, carve?

Sean: He's got to... he’s got to take out some of the some of the... some of the frequencies that make it less clear and add some that will clear up those toms and snare drum gets a little cracking there and stuff.

Dick: Alright, What else?

Sean: It's all just, um-

Dick: What about his name? Max Cinderman, do you think that is a good audio engineer name?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Should he be... change it to be more like, less... less snazzy. Max Cinderman? Like a dragon?

Sean: Mm.

Dick: He should be a professional...

Sean: Okay.

Dick:, Peter Ness. (Jamie laughs) Just kidding, that’s not professional at all. You know what i mean?

Sean: This show has gone way too long.

Dick: Like Craig... Craig Seriousman (Dick and Jamie laugh)

Sean: So dumb.

Dick: Alright, thanks guys.