Episode 97 – Dick on Big Red

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The myth of blue blood, prostitution, hand jobs, and Congress’ continuing attempt to get in Lady Liberty’s pants, what is simple battery, the LARPing bearded badasses of LA, Mumkey Jones the almost English teacher, playing baseball for the worst team in the world, Kevin from The Thought Cops, movie theater seating, the time I was attacked by six housewives, a financial aid based cryptocurrency, and 80s Girl is assaulted by a drunken Caitlin Hall at the Seven Grand after being questioned about Maddox’s Lolsuit; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Mumkey Jones
Elliot Rodgers approved, part man, part mask, a very famous Videos, doesn't go anywhere without his dakimakura. Twitter.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Kevin from Thought Cops
Co-Host of Thought Cops, policing your thoughts so you don't have to!
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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Maddox lost his trademark filing for The Biggest Problem in the Universe. His arguments for why he should be the sole owner of something we both created and worked on for two years were nonsense and worse yet, he actually believes them. We don’t talk about it in this episode because it just happened, but it’s worth noting because it brings us to the precipice of something glorious:

Mental Jess’ Restraining Order: Maddox Lost.
BPitU Trademark Registration: Maddox Lost.
Maddox’s $20 Million Dollar LOLSUIT: ???

Judgement Day is approaching, a certain drunken dog will soon have his day in court, and if Maddox takes a third hot loss in a row up his pretend-pirate ass, my friends, well that can only mean one thing: Dick Dynasty. A Dick Dynasty that will gloat with the smugness of a thousand suns that are vegan and zero-emission and send their kids to private school, a Dick Dynasty that will blanket the Earth wherever the Terms of Service cannot reach, a Dick Dynasty that will become legacy and meme until the end of time, and we shall have a giant party, but first…

Bitches be crazy. That is the lesson today. And it’s one we already know. All of civilization operates on the assumption of it. HR departments exist because of it, laws are spent in service of mitigating the crazy that is in the genderless bitch, and day-to-day, one of the most important lessons we teach our children when they are at their most surprised and confused and bloodied is that bitches be crazy and there’s nothing that can be done to stop them. You can only learn to spot the crazy in the bitch in the wild and stay the fuck away. A simple lesson that takes a moment to teach, but a lifetime to master, so let’s help out.

A crazy bitch, for example, cannot take a joke. However, she will insist that she can. This is a trick to lure in unsuspecting power sources for the crazy bitch’s emotional dynamo of violent delusion. Similarly, a crazy bitch is always in need of assistance. There are entire villages in the third world plagued by cannibal death squads who shit into the same rivers in which they bathe and drink from and who think malaria is a type of second puberty who have less problems than your average crazy bitch. This is a trick. And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, crazy bitches be crazy! A crazy bitch will punch a Nazi. A crazy bitch will take food out of your kids’ mouths because they are offended. A crazy bitch will slide from emotion to words to physicality as if they were mere concepts on a continuum of impulse in a world that is entirely her own, able to be reversed, retconed, and safely contextualized in a similar impulse. A crazy bitch cannot tell the difference between “cause and effect” and decision and escalates wild impulse to violence as easily and as ugly as the first slug wriggling its way out of the primordial ooze, maintaining their self and sense of self completely in radically different ecosystems while the rest of us strap on gear to do the same. The advantage for them is the weakness in us, and nothing can be done to stop them, you can only stay the fuck away.

In this episode, I play two variations on the theme of bitches be crazy. In one, a murder or gaggle or a herd or a dale or a pod or a bloat of bitches be crazy attack me outside of California Pizza Kitchen ten years ago for the heinous crime of existing. I’m pretty sure I won that encounter. And the next is the story of Caitlin Hall, a bitches be crazy who attacked 80s Girl in a bar last weekend for the same heinous crime of me existing–and for asking her why she was talking about me and Maddox’s lawsuit and also waiting for me outside the bathroom with a bearded automaton of soy and chicken shit who fancied himself some kind of lumbersexual mafioso hard ass. I’m pretty sure I lost that one because it’s not funny when the person being hit isn’t you.

Here’s Caitlin Hall’s response to the story. We read it on the show and play a game of Crazy Bitch Bingo. You might want to play along. It’s an important skill; maybe the most important. After all, you don’t have to be faster than the crazy bitch, you just have to be faster than the guy who gets a cigarette put out on him by one because he played a song that reminded her of her ex-boyfriend on the jukebox.

“The Loli Con” by Hard Men Working Hard.

“An Ode to Someone Who Used to Know What Satire is” by Myroom Records.

“Two Months” by Savestate Corrupted.

Thumbnail that escalates the thumbnail beat-off arms race by Andy Lee AKA CallOfTheDeep!