The Dick Show

Episode 91 – Dick on Road Rage: Portland

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Kian Magaña.

Transcription by /u/Kim_Jong-Skill

Dick: I’m just getting a bunch of these new cameras.

Sean: This was like a trial run?

Dick: Mhm.

Sean: How many are you gonna get?

Dick: Two.

Sean: (Disappointed) Oh.

Dick: Two additional ones.

Sean: You said a bunch of new cameras.

Dick: What do you consider a bunch.

Sean: More than two. Thought you were just going to put them all over the place.

Dick: I’m gonna return that one and get three just so I could tell you…

Sean: (interjects) Well, that would be a few.

Dick: A few?! I thought two to three was a few.

Sean: A couple is two, a few is three or more.

Dick: You look like a dog. A few is three or more?

Sean: Well, yeah. A few is three, but probably not more than that.

Dick: A couple is two.

Sean: Not more than four or five.

Dick: A couple is two or one. Like, if you say, “I hooked up with a couple of broads last night.”

(Everyone laughs)

Dick: It could be two, or one.

Sean: Or one.

Dick: Either way, you’re not a liar.

(Theme riff)

Dick: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you’ve got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker, deep in the heart of the City of Failure. I’m your host, Dick Masterson. AKA, the 20-million-dollar man. Or comedy Jesus, as I like to be called now. I got sued for your lulz, and the lord said unto me, Dick, you shall be punished for the lulz of the world. You shall be sued for an incalculable amount, because of incompetence and greed. And no one knows what the fuck I’m being sued for, or who is being sued for that matter. With me, as always, Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello, Dick.

Dick: Hey, what’s up, buddy? Man, that was a rough intro. It was the hardest to date, because my voice is blown the fuck out.

Sean: I believe it.

Dick: Oh, boy. What a weekend. What a fucking weekend. All the planning – all of the planning for this show – the Road Rage shows goes – gets blown completely out of the water the second we touch down, I’ve noticed.

Sean: Yeah. It’s a consistency within the four shows we’ve done, I think, at this point.

Dick: Yeah, it’s very weird. Like, I’ve started to plan for exactly what I know is impossible coming up to the shows. I’m like – I used to go, “Oh, I’ll just wake up, you know, kind of like a normal show, just think about what I’m gonna talk about.” No, you’re gonna be extremely hungover, you’re gonna be dead, you’re gonna be wanting to go drink a Bloody Mary that’s the size of a Gatorade cooler, on the side of a football game, that has six hamburgers in it, and a steak, and ten waffles, and a Bloody Mary. You’re not gonna have time to plan for shit, and then you’re gonna crawl to the show, and it’s gonna be panic nonstop for 5 hours. Like, the amount of panic increases asymptotically, because, there’s too much fun stuff to do. Hanging out with everybody is just too fucking fun.

Sean: Yeah, it’s a good time. By the time you get to the show, it is tiring. I can’t imagine…

Dick: My voice is fucking shot.

Sean: … I go to bed just completely hoarse every night. I can’t imagine doing what you do, drinking the night before like that. It’s out of the realm of possibilities for me.

Dick: Practice. Dedication. Practice. Then we get to Carnegie hall. I never got that joke.

Sean: What, how to get to Carnegie Hall?

Dick: Yeah? Practice? Why is that a joke? Why do people say that?

Sean: I don’t know. Is it the pun on – like, it’s a direction, or like a, “Excuse me, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?”

Dick: Oh, that’s that joke? That’s been bugging me for years, man! People say it, and I’m like, “why is everyone laughing at this? It’s not funny.”

Sean: It’s like, yeah, you should probably be pretty good to play Carnegie Hall.

Dick: Yeah, of course. What’s the joke to that? I thought it was like someone’s name, and like practice, you gotta blow ‘em. Something like that.

Sean: Makes more sense. I like it your way.

Dick: Road Rage: Portland was fucking amazing. Beautiful city. As I say in the show, we need 2 walls. We need a wall for the US, and we need another wall just around Portland to keep anybody out of there, because it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Sean: Yeah, it’s a cool place.

Dick: Everything everybody says about the strip clubs in Portland is true. They’re unreal. There’s no surprises.

Kian: There are also no fat chicks. Every strip club we go to in LA has at least 4 fat chicks working there.

Dick: That was my nice way of saying that. You don’t walk in like, “Ah, what a surprise. I thought this was a strip club, not a weight watchers convention.” That was my – that was maybe one of my favorite moments of my life, weirdly, was after the first bar, which I gotta apologize to everybody for the karaoke bars that we ended up going to. The first one was like a laser discotheque, which was terrible. Sorry we made the decision to go there. It’s no one’s fault, everyone’s throwing out recommendations and trying to help us out. But it wasn’t a great place, everyone was kinda packed in there like sardines. It was one of those nights where somebody had mentioned early on that they were going to a strip club, and you get that wild hair, you know?

Sean: It’s like an egg that’s been laid, or something.

Dick: Like a little piece of dirt in a clam.

Sean: Like a seed has been planted.

Dick: Yeah, like a kernel in your teeth, that you can’t – like, some dude will just say, “we’re off to a strip club.” It’ll be like 2 in the afternoon, and you’ll start thinking, “What the fuck? Why did I forget that I could go to strip clubs? What happened to me as a man, that I have – when is the last time that I’ve been to one?” Because, if you’ve been to one recently, you’re like, “I’m not going back to the fucking strip clubs, way too expensive.” Right? Way too fucking expensive. But then, if it’s been a while, “What the hell? Why don’t I go?” And you kinda give yourself a pep talk. Like, you say no-no-no, there’s gotta be a reason why I don’t go. They’re not that fun. Try to talk yourself out of it, but that seed keeps growing, and that kernel keeps festering. So, by then end of the night, I was like – it was Ben, from Drunken Peasants, who said right away, “We’re going to a strip club, see you later.” Fuck, why aren’t we doing that? Why are we at a – we gotta get these guys out of here. So, we went to another bar, and someone was like, “Do you want to go to a strip club or a bar.” I was like, “Ehh, it would seem degenerate if I said strip club right away. Bar! Make sure you get a bar next to a strip club, though.” So, we get there – we get to the bar, and I’m just like – like a child. Like a 5-year old, “Ahhh! We gotta go to a strip club! Let’s go!”

Sean: Yeah. We were not there very long. About 25 minutes.

Dick: That was the fastest beer I ever drank. Because, it’s – the weirdest thing is, man, the dickheads are – dickheads are simultaneously waves and particles. Like, they’re simultaneously people, but they’re also this tremendous tide that rolls from one venue to another, and there’s no way to communicate with them, except for making decisions. Like, we’re walking! And once everybody gets walking, there’s no stopping them. You can only redirect. But if you stop, the wave will crash back and dissipate, right? And everyone’s dreams will have died. Okay, I gotta get in front of this before everybody gets here! Before the wave arrives, we’re changing the direction. Strip club, alright. I told this story in Portland. I got there, and I hate cover charges. Because, as Kian so insensitively pointed out, it’s a surprise box. It really is a surprise box in LA, what you’re walking into when you kick open those double doors – those padded doors at the strip club.

Kian: They are padded.

Dick: Yeah, those vinyl doors to let you know that classy things are happening in this establishment. It’s a surprise. You know? Sometimes you get a happy meal toy inside, sometimes you get – sometimes a joke’s on you.

Sean: There are so many strip clubs in LA. Do you think some of it is just catering to the different fetishes or likes? Some of that has gotta happen, right?

Dick: No, I think that… I think part of the deal in LA is levels of extreme poverty and health, you would say. Mixed with extreme desperation and actresses and attention whores, who have no way to support themselves on the far-fun end, and they’re all extremely unstable. And the other end is some amount of destitution and, along with that comes, like unhealthy lifestyles that produces, perhaps… Bodies that you wouldn’t put on a mudflap, let’s say. Right? Maybe Portland doesn’t have that, I don’t know. I’m not here to figure out the problem, I just identify it. But when we got there, I said “fuck cover charges, I fucking hate” – I don’t want these guys to feel robbed like I led my people out of Egypt, which was a karaoke bar in this situation. I brought them to the promised land, and then turn around and say Moses, the promised land is full of fat chicks. This place sucks, right? We want out $10 back. Sorry guys. I could get a couple of your $10 back, but I can’t get all of your $10 back.

Sean: No.

Dick: I went in there, marched right up to this guy, and I said, “Hey,” marched right up to the woman in charge, said, “hey, I need to talk to your manager.” And she goes, “Whoa, no one’s ever talked to me that way before.” She says, “Well, my manager’s right outside.”

Sean: How did you know I’m not the manager, Dick?

Dick: Because she’s touching money. I know managers aren’t touching the money. Point me to your fucking manager. So, she points outside, I go up, and I said, “Hey.” She said he’s a big Samoan guy outside. I said perfect, this guy’s gonna be a real bastard.

Sean: Should have said, “hey, Maui! “

Dick: Hey, Maui, get your fat ass!... I said hey Maui, hula your fat as son over here! Get on your canoe and wiggle those fat tits over here, you son of a bitch! Just to, you know, assert my dominance in the negotiation.

Sean: Right, fucking smash his ukulele.

Dick: Her, Iz, why don’t you coronary your bitch ass over here, I got a deal to strike with – the devil came up to Portland. Alright, you son of a bitch. I say I need to get all my guys in. All my guys in for $100. That’s it. That’s the deal, $100. He says, “how many guys do you have?” 50. He goes, “you’re full of shit.” Get your ass out here, Maui. And we walked outside, and I was like, “hey! Raise your hand if you’re here to see The Dick Show.”  Yeeeaaaaah, going down. All these fucking dudes. Yeeaaaaaaah! This whole fucking line of guys out at the strip club. That’s fucking right, dude! I bet you did think I was full of shit! These guys are amped up – they’re amped the fuck up, they’re just drunk enough that they’re not gonna cause a scene. He looks at me and goes, “(sigh) Okay. For the agreed amount, that’s fine. That’s good.” So, I went in there and slapped it down, man – I was slapping these guys, “get in there! Have a good time! Get in there! Get! Get! Get in there!” I felt like a coach with a never-ending world series team. (Dick makes so many random sounds that is safe to assume he’s having some kinda stroke.) Every single guy. Keep ‘em up! Look at shoes! Bam! Of course you can touch ‘em! Everything you’ve heard about touching is a lie!

Kian: I really hope one of the local Portland dickheads calls in to explain that Portland strip clubs don’t have a cover charge.

Dick: Someone said that, but I know that – I went in and specifically asked if they did, and she said they did. I mean, I guess, maybe – somebody said that too, and I was like, “hey, buddy. What are you trying to do here? C’mon. Trying to fuck up the happiest memory of my life. It was like the Andy Kauffman milk and cookies thing. After he played at Carnegie Hall! What a terrific story. Right back to the beginning. People don’t know that reference. Andy Kauffman played Carnegie Hall, which is big for a comedian, and then afterwards, he took the audience out to milk and cookies, and obviously I love Andy Kauffman, because he never stopped fucking with people. Let’s see, do I have any more Portland news? The giant penises – the 7-foot tall penis guys were fucking hilarious.

Sean: Yeah, I took a look in the back, I saw those 2 monstrosities come through the door, and I thought that The Dick Show is running people’s lives at this point.

Dick: I didn’t even know they existed.

Sean: I underestimate the dickheads at every turn. How much effort could you possibly put into something? And then there’s more.

Dick: Yeah, and then there’s huge – like, when I looked up and saw the one huge penis, I was like, “Oh man, that’s dope.” And I see a double dong poke his head around. The fuck?

Sean: Guys did not even know each other or anything.

Dick: What?!... I came home to some terrifying news.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah, I came home, and it was a very – I’m fucking exhausted with all this lolsuit shit and the bonus episode fuckery and excitement. Ben from Drunken Peasants dropping the most hilarious goss…

Sean: (interjects) That was amazing. Because, I was privy to none of that.

Dick: Me neither.

Sean: Like that was just – I was in the crowd for that one. Like everybody else.

Dick: Me too! When the video comes out, I think Sean’s gotta edit the audio, and then the video for Portland’s gonna come out probably – maybe by Wednesday. Wednesday night or Thursday. Ben from The Drunken Peasants was on here, he’s a fucking great guy.

Sean: He really is. He’s really mellow, just a regular dude.

Dick: And it turns out that The Drunken Peasants is still going. They had an acrimonious breakup like Maddox and I did. But, apparently, both of them were able to work it out. The Drunken Peasants Podcast is still going. It’s still fucked. The breakup is fucked, but they always are, right? At least he can keep going, and he doesn’t have a specter of a lolsuit and a… and an insane accusation of being a rape apologist surrounding him. He can just do his comedy in peace. So, he was there, and as we always suspected, when Maddox was on The Drunken Peasants Show, he gave them a block-list of things that people weren’t allowed to say. Ben, produces out of nowhere – out of his pocket – like, we just bring it up in conversation, “do you happen to have this list?” “As a matter of fact, I do.” Whips this thing out, and it’s like – it’s a direct message from Maddox to him with the goofiest, dumbest, weirdest block-list that you’ve ever seen. Like, weird hacker-speak of D1ck M4st3rs0n, with I’s replaces with 1’s. Like, a real insight into the mind of an unstable man. It’s hilarious, and all of our – none of us knew that he had it. None of us knew he was gonna read it. All of our reactions are completely genuine, and genuinely hilarious. Another hero of the Road Rage show is apparently the woman who was organizing the stage had really tremendously enormous cans.

Sean: On a platter.

Dick: Yeah. Did both of you guys see this?

Kian: Absolutely.

Dick: I gotta load up the picture here so everybody on the stream can see it. I always love coming back to the comments to see what people picked up on, and this was #1. Voted up 10-million times.

Sean: That was posted before the show was done, I think.

Dick: Because, I did see them live, and I didn’t think anything of it, other than to just, like, keep staring at her whenever I had a single moment to spare. But MadCucks, the hero he is, MadCucks set up a stream, and she happened to spend a lot of time in front of it. Here we go. Yeah, there it is, for anybody watching the stream. My goodness gracious! Oi! Achi machi! Sign me up! Yup, beam me up, Scotty! Okay, there we go. Uh, let’s see. Oh yeah, when we got back, I heard the most terrifying thing that any man has ever heard, I think, and it really makes me a rage this week. I got back, and 80’s girl says, “well, I cleaned up the house. Made you dinner.” I was like, “Oh, that’s awesome.” Says, “I also cleaned up the studio a little bit, the best I could.” I said, “(Sigh) What the hell? You did what?” Cleaned up – because it is an absolute disaster in here. With stuff – like, fun stuff left over. It’s like a continual party has been exploding for 2 years in the studio. But I know where every single thing is.

Sean: You’re the archaeologist.

Dick: I have – I have that man autism that we all have where you point me at a pile of shit, if I built that pile, I know where every single thing is inside of it.

Sean: That really – I think that really is a guy thing. We are, like, we have visual memories, don’t we?

Dick: They should study it, because if you told me…

Sean: They have.

Dick: No! I bet they haven’t because you’re not allowed to do this pro-men research in science. This kind of research cannot be done, you will get your grant pulled. If it’s anything pro-men, your grant money – balls chopped right off. It’s like if you told me that birds can find their way home because they can see the magnetic fields of the earth, I would have said – I’ve told someone this! You’re full of shit, you idiot! What are you talking about, they have magnet – magnetic eyeballs in their heads? It’s not a real thing. I googled it. Fuck! It’s cryptochrome. Right? I think it is called.

Sean: Kodak makes it.

Dick: Yeah, Kodak makes it. I think it’s cryptochrome, I dunno. I think that men have a similar kind of storage apparatus in their brains, where if you build a pile, you know where everything in that pile is. So I said to her, “What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean straightened up?! That’s the last…” “Oh honey, I straightened up your workbench! I put everything away.” It was away. Everything in the pile was ordered in the order of when I thought I was going to get around to it. Okay? I had screws in front for a mount that I was gonna do, then I had a cable behind that. Then I had a – I build this all in a last-in – first-in, last-out order! You know? That’s how the tasks work as a man. You get the task, you decide to abandon it, and go watch TV, and you put it down. And then when you get another task, you do the same thing. So that when you get around to them, the last one in is the first one you pick up again. Because that’s the most important.

Sean: Right. It’s how you don’t do things and keep records at the same time.

Dick: Right! Exactly! Like a totem pole of failure is the stack of things I need to do. So, of course, the first fucking thing I need to do! I got this beautiful new camera for the studio. Finally! And it looks great, I think, I dunno. Like a nice olive-tan complexion, even though I feel like hell from the trip. I think I look good. You guys look terrible. You look like ghosts. First thing I do, “Oh, where the fuck are the screws? Where’s the screws of the things that are supposed to hold the camera to the wall? Where’s the screws?” She goes, “Ah, didn’t touch ‘em.” Let me ask again, I know this routine. It’s like when cops are investigating a witness. That’s when you’re asking women where they put something. “Hey, where’d you put the remote?” “I dunno.” They’re all like criminal informants, alright? They’re like, “let me see what I can do to sweeten the deal of where this information might have gone.” “Okay, I understand.” “Don’t worry, you’re not on trial here, I just need some information from you. Don’t worry, right? How about I slip you a little something? How about I slip you a little compliment? Right? Oh, oh yeah. Does that jog your memory?” “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh officer, officer man, I think I remember – I might remember something about those screws you’re talking about. There was a bunch of stuff – unnecessary stuff on the washing machine that I stuffed into a cupboard.” Okay. Okay. I might be back, keep your nose clean! Keep your fucking nose clean, Johnny… Woman?... Johnny Four-Fingers?... Whatever the criminal informant is.

Kian: Don’t put anything else away!

Dick: Yeah… I’ll be back. I could be back at any minute! I’m the police! So, I go into the cupboard, start rooting around, and I see screw-adjacent things. Wires, bits. BITS! This is how women clean! The bit goes in the case with all the other bits with its family! It doesn’t go… you know?

Sean: Are you saying that some of those bits actually stayed at the house? That you were just paying for at home depot? You weren’t just buying what’s his face’s bits?

Dick: No, no, no. Are you talking about the bits that Smiley stole? No, smiley stole – those were drill bits. These are screwdriver bits.

Sean: Oh, for like a gun?

Dick: Yeah. Those bits are gone. I said, “Oh, some bits? If I know anything about me making piles of shit, I would have put the screw bits next to the screws. Right?” First-in, last-out. Right? So, I go rooting around some more, and I find the velvet pouch the Phteven put my pen in that he sent to me. Remember the pen that Phteven made?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I found – just on a whim! On a whim, my man-cop instincts are kicking in that I have developed over years of being on the force of these woman related crimes of kidnapping my things and putting them away. And I said, “You know what? My senses are – my cop senses are telling me to look at that.” So, I touch it, pick it up, and I hear a little jingling. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I upend this 1-inch by 6-inch pouch. Sean, it’s a velvet pouch! Would you ever think to stick anything in this?

Sean: I hid them from you, so they wouldn’t get lost!

Dick: And out tumbles the 4 screws that all look exactly the same and look brand new. They don’t look like they were unscrewed out of anything, they don’t look like they belong with other screws. They don’t look like they go to a computer. They look like screws that came with something. But where’s the thing they came with? That’s what I want to know. Right? In a totally other room. It makes no fucking – so I go – of course, I come back. I say, “Hey,” I go back, “You know, it turns out we solved that mystery. I don’t know if you’re interested in hearing the outcome of it, but they were in a velour bag in a drawer in the closet, 10-feet away from where I had them in a room all on their own where I do my work out of. That’s what happened to them.” “Oh. That’s good that you found them.” Yeah. “I went ahead and straightened your things up while you were gone.” (Sigh) Oh boy. I need 2 security systems. One for inside the house, and one for – I think every guy will understand that one. Let me see here, what else makes me a rage? They’re making a Johnny Walker for women. Did you see that one?

Sean: No.

Dick: Jane walker.

Sean: This is a joke, right?

Dick: I thought it was too. I’ll show you.

Sean: Jane Walker?

Dick: Yeah. Jane Walker-scotch.

Sean: Okay… Uh… Flavored?

Kian: Appletini whiskey.

Sean: I mean, I’m guessing it’s…

Dick: No. It’s jane walker. Whiskey to celebrate women.

Kian: well, I’m not buying Johnny Walker again.

Dick: I mean… I’ll tell you something.

Sean: How is it special though for the woman?

Dick: Well, it’s got the little picture of the lady on the front.

Sean: But is it some kind of special blend selected by the master distiller?

Dick: No, they would have had to start making that years ago. Right? I mean, I’m sure they’re gonna say that.

Sean: But some distilleries buy scotch from other distilleries, and it’s up to the master distiller to make a blend.

Dick: I didn’t read anything about it being any kind of like pH balance for women, you’re saying.

Sean: There’s gotta be just one more layer is all I’m asking for.

Dick: Yeah, I got that layer for you. Alright? Because this – coach alerted me this interesting trend.

Sean: I don’t think he has the layer.

Dick: No, I got a layer. I got a fucking layer. It turns out that women are in charge of at least 60-80 percent of every purchasing decision that goes on in your house. Check out these numbers. Yeah, 91%...

Sean: That’s a thing I’ve heard for years.

Dick: 91% of new homes. 66% of PCs. 92% of vacations. This is decided by – this is like – they’re not paying for it, but the purchasing power is from them. So, no matter what the name says on the credit card, a woman made that purchase. 80% of healthcare, 93% of food. 90% of bank accounts. 65% of new cars, which made me think the strangest thing, right? So, you’ve got an overwhelming number of some of these purchases being made by women. Why wouldn’t 100% of the advertisements and the labeling…

Sean: Be aimed at them.

Dick: Yeah. Like, there’s no Schick women regular Schick. They’re both Schick for women. They’re buying both of them. So, like, every single fucking thing – every single product, no matter who it’s for…

Sean: Should at least have a strong nod toward appealing to women.

Dick: Or might as well just be entirely appealing to them. Like, I’m imagining this – it’s a terrifying fucking thought that like every – we’re living in a time where I’ve got a silver can in my hand, because advertising companies thought men were making the call. The future is going to be entirely women shit! Cans, they’re gonna all be pink, dude! Everything about everything – everything you buy is just gonna appeal to your wife or girlfriend, and you’re gonna get stuck with it, and you know what? It’s gonna work!

Sean: Well, I’ve never seen it broken down like that.

Dick: It’s fucking terrifying!

Sean: But I’ve heard for as long as I can remember that women do make most of the purchasing decisions.

Dick: 95% of women identify themselves as the primary shoppers of their household. It’s fucking true! I wouldn’t believe you if you said that wasn’t true! If I run out of food, I’ll just go out and eat dirt out of the ground. I don’t care.

Sean: There’s a lot of decisions made because the guy’s like, “I don’t know. I don’t want to put energy into this conversation, because you’re not going to let it go.” You’re just – ultimately, let’s cut to the chase, and just buy what you want. I’m fine with either one. I just don’t want to hear you explain it to me anymore the rationale for why you want one versus the other! I’m fine either way! I’m good! Just get the goddamn thing!

Dick: It’s its own nightmare having to endlessly compare one thing to the other, and you get it, it’s like – it wasn’t good. It didn’t have the other thing. Making these fucking choices of which one to get. I just want to offload it all, I hate it so much, and it’s gonna cost a lot, because everything that’s running ads – I’m talking about like Google, Facebook. All these – listen, listen, listen. Okay, when cars are all self-driving, and nobody buys their own car anymore, because all you do is fire up the Uber app, or whatever app it is, and request a car at your place, and there’s no driver to pay, so you’re literally paying for the cost of gasoline. Like, when all the cars are self-driving, all you’re going to pay for is the gasoline. Whatever that costs. There’s nothing else. There’s a miniscule amount of infrastructure to keep it going. And then somebody’s going to say, “hey, why are they even paying for gas, let’s show ads in the fucking car while they’re driving around. We’ll make that gas money back right away.” You’re gonna – Sean! You’re gonna – why are we selling houses? Why don’t we buy houses? Your entire life is going to be ads for women! This is the future! IN 200 YEARS IT’S NOT GONNA BE STAR TREK, YOU’RE JUST GONNA BE SITTING THERE, WATCHING HUNKY MEN HIT ON SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT HOUSEWIVES TO SELL YOU BEER THROUGH YOUR WIFE! WHO’S GONNA MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOU! AND YOU’RE GONNA THINK, “WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?! WHY DID WE LET THEM DECIDE TO BUY ALL THIS SHIT?!” I can’t take it! It’s the fucking ads, dude. It’s all – have you seen all the anti-NRA shit that’s going on on Twitter right now?

Sean: No. I’m not on Twitter.

Dick: You’ve got companies tripping over themselves to say that they don’t offer the NRA discounts. Fuck the NRA, we’re not giving NRA members a discount to shit anymore, because they’re a despicable organization. Right? Even though that cop that was armed ran away, and proved that everyone needs to arm themselves to the teeth, because no one’s there for you. Even though that happened…

Sean: He just released a statement today that said he thought the shooting was coming from outside the school, I guess. That’s what I heard.

Dick: He thought is was coming from outside the school, and he resigned?

Sean: I’m not saying it’s…

Kian: (interjects) What had happened was that I thought it was coming from across the street, underneath my bulletproof blankets. So, I ran over there and got under there to apprehend the shooter. And it was a big surprise to me when it turned out to be coming from the kids that I was supposed to be protecting.

Dick: You know what, I don’t even blame that guy.

Sean: 2 days from retirement. He was actually eligible for retirement. That’s why, you know – you don’t get the best cops watching the fucking schools, I don’t think. You know?

Dick: Oh, so he was on like a kush job on the way out?

Sean: Oh, no. He gets his retirement and everything. That’s the fucking thing.

Kian: So, he didn’t resign, and now he doesn’t get his benefits?

Dick: No, he gets everything. They always get everything.

Kian: He’s just going to get to stay at home and like, watch TV and drink beer that is, I guess his wife pays for, and this like, 90% pensions or whatever it is cops get in Broward County?

Dick: Yeah.

Kian: Good for him.

Dick: It actually annoys me that people are taking out so much aggression on him. You know?

Kian: Yeah, no. That is weird. Because, normally, you’re stuck from taking aggression on the shooter, because the shooter is dead, but in this case, the shooter’s still alive and he’s getting a trial. Why isn’t everyone mad at him? Right? He’s the one who did the goddamn thing!

Sean: Well, I think they are, but…

Dick: It’s also like – I mean, yeah. I guess – so what? He’s just supposed to run in there? Would everyone – would you be happy if he’s dead?

Kian: It would be harder to be mad at him.

Dick: Because we were writing him a paycheck for so long. Like, they’re not human body shields. They’re people. You know what I mean?

Sean: Yeah. That’s what their job is. To go in…

Dick: (interjects) Is it though?

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Dick: I… I don’t think that’s a job. Like, I don’t think you can make a deal – like, here, Kian, you’re a lawyer. I can’t make a contract that’s like, “okay, um… I’ve been making fun of this – I’ve been fucking with this guy – I’ve been poking this dog across the street for 10 weeks, and I’ve got a giant steak in my pants, and I’ll pay you $3. And, when that dog – when I go outside, I’m gonna shove you in front of the dog.” Right, and then you’re like, Okay, I’ll take my $3. See ya!”

Sean: They’re supposed to…

Kian: No, that would be a legally enforceable contract.

Dick: That would be legally?...

Kian: (interjects) Absolutely.

Dick: That’s great. What would you have to do, give the money back?

Kian: You would have to give the money back. That would be a normal thing. Possibly reimburse you for any damages you suffered, like, if the dog attacks you and it’s that guy’s job to protect you from the dog. Yeah, absolutely. Give the $3 back, plus anything else.

Dick: I dunno, maybe I’m wrong on it, but…

Sean: (interjects) That’s what they’re supposed – that’s what they’re signing up for. They’re supposed to do that.

Dick: Yeah, but you know…

(A bunch of crosstalk)

Dick: I know he’s not signing up to do that.

Sean: For sure. For sure. And the answer is: Nobody really knows.

Dick: Like, if he drops something in my house and he move out of the way Whoop! You should have got that stain on your shirt!

Sean: Yeah, nobody really knows. And people talk a lot about…

Dick: Everybody talks so much shit.

Sean: Yeah. It’s like the only right answer is you don’t know. You don’t know.

Dick: Except for Trump, he knows.

Sean: What?! No! He said you never really – I was actually surprised. He said you never know – you never really know until you’re tested. But, I would like to think that – and then he went on to the next of the rest of the statement.

Dick: Okay, here’s the other thing.

Sean: That was actually surprisingly – wasn’t a crazy statement from him.

Dick: You should listen to him more directly then, because he always talks sense.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Here’s the thing: I would like to think that I would do it. I would like to think that, you know, fucking run in. And, I’d also like to think that I would have some good zingers lined up. I don’t see why that’s…

Kian: (interjects) Lethal Weapon 4 him at the end.

Dick: Yeah. But, if it would have turned out that I would get killed, I would like to have thought that I would not do it. And I think that’s universal, right?

Sean: Self-preservation I think is a high priority for most people.

Dick: Like everybody’s like, “you should have absolutely done it. Absolutely should have done it.” Okay, but what if you would have not – because you’re thinking you would kick the guy’s ass. What if you would know that you’re going to die, then give me the answer. “Still would have done it.” You’re insane then.

Sean: There are a few people who would probably still do it, but I think it is drastically less. Fewer than…

Dick: That’s what’s odd to me too, tough. Because, then it’s like…

Sean: It’s who you’re doing it for, too! What if your kid’s in there?

Dick: Well, I mean… Then it’s.

Sean: It’s different.

Dick: No question, right? But if it’s just random people, it turns into this weird equation of, like – okay, so you’d be a hero. But, did you eat today and let other people starve? Why is that different? Like, because it’s not on TV? That kid starved to death and you ate? How is everybody so violently reacting to this one thing, but there is so much suffering that goes on every day that just skates by. Because it’s on TV! That’s why. Right?

Sean: Well, and it’s a sudden – it’s a very sudden thing that can be dealt with, like, immediately. Hunger is an ongoing thing. Like, that particular situation though, is like, you know, it’s like, bam, bam. Do you know what I’m saying?

Dick: Don’t say “bam, bam.” It is, but that’s why it makes me such a rage, because everybody gets to show off. That’s part of it.

Sean: Yeah, everybody gets to poster.

Dick: “Can’t believe it.” I mean, I could believe it.

Sean: More unbelievable shooting happens…

Dick: “AHH! GET ME OUTTA HERE! OH SHIT, I’M AT WORK!” I mean, if you’ve ever like, jerked off – if you’ve ever caught yourself idly jerkin off at your cubicle at your like paper factory or whatever, then you understand what I mean. “OH SHIT, I WAS A WORK! I was supposed to…” Right?

Kian: Yeah, you say that, but at the same time, I’m sure that if you go in there you get shot, and as you’re dying, “Oh, I wish I never did that.” You wake up in a white room and Q from Star Trek comes down, just like that episode where they let Captain Picard take back…

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Kian: Yeah. So then, you wake up inside a captain of the enterprise, you’re an astrology officer on the enterprise, instead of Dick Masterson the podcast host, you’re gonna wake up and realize that you’re selling – you’re working at Weber Shandwick as Asterios.

Dick: That Star Trek episode really annoyed me. Because, first of all, it was the finale. Or wait, no it wasn’t the finale, the finale was when Picard created life on earth. Created the human – right? The anomaly that created life. The episode where Q – you remember what I’m talking about, Sean, where Q sends Picard back in time to fix a bar fight that he got into with a Nausicaan over a game of dom-jot.

Sean: He got stabbed, right?

Dick: Yeah, because he was showing off. And the Nausicaan stabs him, and he had to get a new heart. And because he was – because he turned into – he was such a pussy after that, he was just like a blue-shirted piece of shit. He was taking shit from Riker.

Kian: He was taking shit from Geordi.

Dick: That wasn’t as bed, because Geordi – Seeing Geordi give shit was satisfying. I was like, “Aw, yeah! Fucking Geordi takes shit all the time! It’s about time Geordi gets to reprimand someone!” Because everyone’s always like, “Geordi, uhh… Fucking computers are not working dude. Let’s go!” But it’s like, yeah, you know, it’s a computer… “THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB!” He’s always getting shit. “YOU GET THE FUCKING COMPUTERS BACK ONLINE YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I DON’T CARE HOW MANY SPECTRUMS YOU CAN SEE, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! THE ONLY SPECTRUM I SEE IS THE WARP CORE NOT FUCKING WORKING!” And he’s like, “Fuck!” Geordi gets beat every time he’s on screen, and he handles it with class. But then, that one episode where he has a little bit over Picard, he’s like, “Oh, I’m disappointed in you.” You could see him take it out. Yes, these people are humans after all

Sean: That’s what people do. You can be at the same level. As soon as you get up above that other guy, all of a sudden, it’s like, “Fuck, man.”

Dick: That was like the episode of Undercover Boss when Picard went back I time and became a blue-shirt. But the worst part of that episode was that he sits down with Riker, and he’s like, “Ah, I think I want to be a captain. I want to move up more.” And Riker gives him that smug-ass look. He looks at Troy, then looks back at Picard and laughs. Oh, you had to look at your woman first, you sick – you had to make this a weird sexual thing, you piece of shit Riker? Ut then the lesson was that nothing ever happens for a reason. Like, Q’s point was don’t get into fights at a bar and get your heart stabbed, and it will only get fixed because of the technology that we have. But, if you didn’t do it, it would have fucked up your whole life. Oh, so, uh… What did you put in the captain’s log on that day? “Captain’s log: Why am I even here?” Why don’t I take this ship straight to the big titty whore planet, and live like Columbus for the rest of my fucking life?

Sean: Riker, isn’t it?

Dick: Yeah, Riker. Why the fuck? He didn’t even learn the right lesson. The lesson was, Picard, nothing fucking matters. Like, you can be – you can fuck with – you can die and get brought back because of technology, and nothing matters. There’s no point to anything. Just abuse whatever power you have! THAT’S WHAT Q FUCKING DID!

Kian: Q even told him to do that, right? Q said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make it so that everything is the same except you. Galaxies are going to keep on spinning, no more wars are going to happen.” Oh boy.

Dick: You know what is the second thing that makes me a rage about that everyone piling on that guy? This collective pressure that we have on people to die. Like, on men especially, to do things that will kill them. Right? Because, these days – like, here’s something you’d say to somebody. “Hey, if you get mugged, just give the money up. Your life’s not worth it.” But then, in this case it’s like, “well, we paid him.” We’re the mugger in this case. “Uh… We need that money back. Or die.” It’s fucked. And I’m not saying anybody’s wrong, but it is fucked and interesting and weird.

Sean: It is interesting, because I think people are super pissed that he gets retirement.

Dick: I’m pissed too. I’m fucking pissed too. Because there’s also a part of every man who’s like, “I fucking wish I would have been in that situation. Then I’d be on the news. Right? Then I’d get rid of this fucking – my whole life would be better.” I dunno. I dunno, but it makes everybody upset.

Sean: The sheriff threw him under the bus immediately. I mean fucking immediately! Probably to deflect from the fact that like, you know, there have been millions of reports on this fucking whacko kid, and everybody just looked the other way and went back to jacking off. “I dunno, he hadn’t done anything, blah, blah.”

Dick: Yeah. I mean, I know I’m wrong in this case, and everyone will say that’s what they’re about, their whole job. I mean, that can’t be a job. It’s not a fucking job.

Sean: I guess, I dunno. I think the bottom line is that that kind of stuff is just going to happen. All that, and I don’t think that there’s any…

Dick: We’re not okay with that either, though.

Sean: No, no. Of course we’re not.

Dick: You gotta screen for this stuff. You’re supposed to be courageous.

Sean: I don’t think you’ll ever eliminate it.

Dick: What are you talking about?

Kian: Not until we have Terminator androids guarding our kids.

Dick: I don’t fucking want those either!

Kian: The T-1000 just hanging out outside the schoolyard. Pretend to be a homeless guy, some guy comes in, turns into a tank or whatever they turn into.

Dick: I know I’m wrong. Just so everybody knows.

Sean: I’ve just learned not to expect anything.

Dick: It’s the magic feather, that’s why everyone’s so upset. They need to believe that there are heroes for hire. They need to believe that if we pay money, you will do this thing – this impossible thing that you might be asked to do. And were gonna whittle you down to the lowest mount you will accept for a potential reality that you cannot conceive of, because it can’t be tested or explained or passed on from one person to another. But I have a receipt!

Sean: Which is why you never really know!

Kian: I give you $15 an hour for the past year, how come you didn’t run in and get shot for those kids?

Dick: I dunno. But everyone’s upset.

Sean: Yeah. It’s a big story.

Dick: Let me see here. Wat else do I have? Oh, here’s what makes me a rage. People who don’t turn the fan on when they hit the crapper. You know what? Road Rage: Portland, man. Not loud enough bathroom fans. You guys were there. Kian, I know you were there. You were holding an orchestra when you went in there.

Kian: I believe it. If you ate that many waffles, you would have too.

Dick: Yeah, Kian made a bet that he could eat 10 waffles.

Sean: Didn’t have that many waffles, as it turns out.

Dick: Kian orders breakfast, and he says he could eat 10 waffles.

Kian: Okay, to be fair, someone asked me.

Dick: I said, “how many waffles do you think you could eat?” You said, “I could eat a shitload of waffles.”

Sean: Oh, I’m a horse.

Dick: I’m a horse.

Kian: Right? A horse couldn’t eat that many waffles.

Dick: How many waffles could you eat? 10 waffles, he says. No way. And Diego gets in and says, “I think you should try it. See what you can do.” We order him 10 waffles, and he goes, to the server, “Hey, you know that scramble I ordered? Hold the potatoes, add 10 waffles. Still bring me the scramble though.” We’re in there – It’s Portland, and of course, I bring a frat party to this little boutique brunchery. Right? Where they bring out Kian’s stack of 10 waffles like it’s a dead pig, and drop it on the table like we’re at a luau. And we’re chanting with our forks and knives like Ziggy-piggy, Ziggy-piggy, because we’re all so amped up to see if Kian can eat these 10 waffles.

Sean: That’s great. Great reference.

Dick: Yea. We’re grabbing these waffles, and they’re like the size of books. Kian made the fuckup of not seeing how big the waffles were before ordering.

Sean: They were very close to an inch thick.

Dick: Yeah, but even worse, they were soaked with sugar and syrup. They were soaked. Saturated.

Sean: Yeah, they were very sweet. They were caramelized on the outside. I ate 3 of them, and I think that’s what – I felt sick for like the first 40 minutes of the show, and I think it was from those fucking waffles earlier in the day. I never felt right after that.

Dick: Yeah, after the show, Sean says, “I thought I was gonna throw up after the first 40 minutes.” That’s why he didn’t say anything.

Sean: It was pretty quiet anyway, but…

Kian: 70% sugar by weight, easy – like, after #4-and-a-half, my eyes started jittering, and I was getting a tension headache. I could see sound. It was awful.

Dick: So, there’s the 5 of us.

Sean: I could see sound…

Dick: There’s the 5 of us screaming at each other, “you can’t eat those waffles! Look at the size of that fucking waffle! There’s no fucking way you’re going to do it!”

Sean: Yeah, not one person wanted him to do it. It’s not even like, “damn, I’d like to see that.” It was like, “No, you fucking suck. There’s no way you could eat those. What an idiot!”

Dick: You can’t even eat 5, you bitch! And meanwhile, like, I happen to be sitting at the edge of the table, next to another table, and these like 2 older women were having like a menopausal eat-pray-love. “Well, I think it’s just time for me, and I don’t even want to think about him. This whole weekend.” And the other one’s like, “Oh, absolutely. This is what we’re gonna do.” And she’s talking – like, she’s talking about all these – I turn over to them and – because I hear part of what they’re talking about, and it’s what I think would be happening, and then it’s like, “Ah, you’re a bitch! You’re such a bitch!”

Sean: That was funny.

Dick: Yeah, that was a good one. I forget why I brought that up.

Sean: Doesn’t matter.

Dick: No, it doesn’t matter. Oh yeah, but that’s why the toilet situation in that Air B&B. Man, these motherfuckers – I dunno if in the 50’s men had shits that were like squirrel farts or something. That they came out silently. Like, I dunno if everyone’s assholes were looser back then from all the labor that they had to do, and they didn’t need that loud of a ceiling fan. But, these ceiling fans are like – you turn it on, and it’s like – I’ve had computer fans that are louder than the bathroom fans at some of these places. And we’ve got 8 people there, so you think, “Well, I’ve been delaying this all day, I might as well go – okay, if everyone will excuse me, I’ about to go play a concerto that I call The Farting Ghost. The Shitting Ghost.”

Sean: So, you’re in there like, “Oh-hoho!”

Dick: And I start like, I’ll just play Blueberry Hill.

Sean: That’s dumb, though.

Dick: It’s like, you walk out. Thank you, thank you very much. Next, Kian will be playing a…

Kian: Spanish Flea.

Dick: Spanish Flea. Peach, if you’d like to sing along, I printed out the lyrics for you so you don’t forget them.

Sean: Beethoven’s third movement in B-minor.

Dick: There’s a switch. Somebody’s gonna make a billion dollars making a fan suitable for the modern male’s farts and poops, that properly drowns them out. I’m talking about like some kind of military technology that hears the sound and plays the opposing wave to nullify the sound.

Sean: Phase cancellation.

Dick: Phase cancellation. Full phase cancellation.

Kian: They have the next best thing in Japan. In women’s bathrooms, they have these little panels in the stalls, that any time you think you’re about to make a real loud shit sound, press it, and it just makes some other noise to mask it.

Dick: Like a lion? Rawr!

Kian: Yeah, like a lion. I think the most common one is the sound like a toilet flushing, but they might have other sounds.

Sean: Oh my god. Now, everybody just knows.

Kian: Yeah.

Dick: You can’t flush the toilet, because then there’s a delay. So you have to save up your flush for the boss. It’s like you’re hoarding ammo in a video game. I can’t flush yet, because I know there’s a big one coming. That’s a good idea. It’s gotta be loud though.

Kian: Just like 40 decibels. The sound of a jet engine taking off from 100 feet away.

Sean: A voice actor told me that in the booth, a lot of the good shows are still recorded with ensemble caps. You know, you get like 4, 5, 6 actors in the booth at the same time, they’ll like run scripts. They’ll run lines. And they told me about a concept called Shaw Shanking. It’s like, if you have really bad farts, try to cover it with a throat clear or something like that. It’s always really mis-timed too, where it’s just like, *cough* *fart* you know?

Dick: I met a guy at Road Rage that said that he could fart on command.

Sean: Some people can do that.

Dick: Yea, I told him to call in. He said he can fart in key, and I said there’s no fucking way you can do that.

Sean: Well that’s quite some – that’s real control.

Dick: Excuse me. He said he can fart on-key, I don’t know, and shit on command. I said you better call in, man. That’s incredible. Never heard anything like that.

Sean: Oh, but the Shaw Shanking because he waits for the lightning and the thunder to strike and then he hits the thing with the rock.

Dick: Let me see what else I got. Very interesting, Sean. Very interesting sound from a professional sound engineer.

Sean: Sadly, I’ve never been on a session where that happened.

Kian: Sadly?

Sean: Ah, it would be fucking hilarious.

Dick: Let me see here. Oh, KenDollInHide wrote a song about the woman stacking chairs. Would you like to hear that?

Kian: (whispers) Absolutely.

Sean: Stacking chairs?

Dick: Yeah. He wrote a song about that woman.

Sean: Wait, you mean at the Road Rage?

Dick: Yeah.

Kian: A real star, right?

Dick: Yes, the real star of Road Rage: Portland. 2 Chairs Become One, it’s called.

Sean: There’s another chick. A taller blonde chick who was putting up chairs and stacking tables. She was hot.

Dick: Dude, that’s why the strip clubs were so great, because there’s so many hot – like, the chicks were so hot in Portland that they didn’t do their hair. Did you notice that? It looked like they had tumbleweeds on top of their head.

Sean: Yeah. There were a lot of good looking women in Portland, man. But, it’s like that city – the people- I think a lot of them are fucking awful.

Dick: Really? Why?

Kian: Because they’re that good-looking. They have to be.

Sean: No, because it’s – they’re so SJW. They’re so morally superior to you.

Dick: Really?

Sean: Yeah, we found that at a few places.

Dick: Why? Where’d you find that?

Sea: Listened to what people talked about, what clothes people wore.

Kian: When we were at brunch the next day, someone pointed out that the street signs indicated that, because it’s so SJW there, that they don’t call it St. Patty’s day in Portland, they call it Irish Heritage Festival. And, sure enough, when we were leaving, there were all these signs up on the street lamps that said Irish Heritage Festival.

Dick: Why is St. Patrick… Was he like a Nazi or something?

Kian: They don’t want people dressing like leprechauns? But yeah Sean, you’re right. When we got there, it was so beautiful. The scenery, the water, the mountains, the snow., that within 10 minutes, I decided I want to move there. And then, when we were just walking around looking at all the women walking around, I knew I had to move there. Even the dumpy ones are still good looking, right?

Dick: Like a Yogi Bear – Even the dumpy ones are good looking. Diego had us in an Air B&B between a weed store and a liquor store. So I do something I rarely do. I turn into Dr. Manhattan and cloned myself. Went into both stores.

Sean: It was convenient.

Dick: It was convenient. We went and bought a bunch of edibles for the hell of it. So, I got to the first Road Rage meetup right when the stupid gummy was kicking in. It was a big mistake. And then when we left, we had all this leftover liquor, so we made a gift-bag, which was a trash bag. That’s all we had. And we left it next to this homeless guy that was sleeping on the noodle house next door. Diego went over and took a bag od liquor and dropped it off like a liquor fairy. And he woke up, and goes, “uh, thanks man.” And Diego goes, “Ah, no, you didn’t see me, I’m a dream.”

Sean: And then we were joking about it. In Portland, he would have been like, “I’m gluten free.” Like, the gluten-free homeless guy.

Dick: You know what? I would love to see a homeless tent-off between LA and Portland.

Sean: Yeah, there’s a lot of tents there too.

Dick: There’s a lot of innovation that goes into those homeless tents.

Sean: Well, it rains all the time.

Dick: It rains all the time, it’s freezing, it’s windy as fuck. People fuck with your tent. I don’t know if either of you gentlemen have tried to build a tent, but I have had to build a tent in the elements, and it was hard. You learn a lot of things about bungee cords can take, and how – which tarp is the warmest one. I would love to lee, like, a DIY HGTV special on the homeless tents of LA. Whenever I drive around an on-ramp, one of those circular ones, and there’s like a big homeless village in the middle, I always want to go check it out and see like, “So, what’d you do – how’d you get this suspended here. Oh, that’s an interesting use of zip ties that you’ve done there.

Sean: Because there is some innovation there. Necessity being the mother of invention and all. You know they created some cool little things on a small scale.

Dick: Ingenuity. I don’t wanna see lifestyles of the rich and famous, I want to see the homeless tents.

Kian: (doing an impression of a homeless man) Jimmy over there graduated with an engineering degree from UC Irvine, but he likes weed too much, man. He just spends all his money here. Actually, works at Boeing on his time off.

Dick: Alright, here’s Two Chairs Become One by KenDollInHide.

Sean: He was only 3 credits away from graduating with a math degree.

Kian: Ran out of Adderall.

Dick: Failed it twice, and then he saw the trend. Does that joke annoy anyone else? I’ve heard that joke so many times.

Sean: I’ve never heard that.

Dick: You’ve never heard Maddox’s joke about how he failed the math test, and how he failed it more the second and third time, so then he noticed it was a trend?

Sean: I don’t remember that.

Dick: Oh, god. I’ve heard that fucking joke so many times. Here we go, here’s the song.

(Dick starts the song.)

Kian: I love it already.

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Alright, I’ll put it on the site. Very funny.

Kian: Was well done.

Dick: Hey, MadCucks, call in. I see what you’re saying about the shooting thing, call in, I’ll argue with you. It’ll be fun. I gotta thank you for doing the show. Hey, MadCucks, did you get home okay?

MadCucks: Hey, what’s up?

Dick: I know MadCucks had to go from the show to another show back home. What did you have to do MadCucks?

MadCucks: I had a show today. I actually had a rehearsal last night, and I said, “hey, I can’t make it to rehearsal until 9.” Yeah, that’s fine, we’re going to 11. Get to the airport, get my shit, get my car from the parking place, haul ass across town, get to the venue, everybody’s gone the fuck home.

Dick: Nobody told you or anything?

MadCucks: Nobody even sent me a fucking email.

Dick: God, people are such pieces of shit. Like, the amount that you have to really learn what – you have to get everyone’s sense of how much they’re bullshitting you. Like, how much – everyone has their own little level of how much they’re lying to get you to do something that’s not important. So, some people say, like, “Oh, you know. It’s really important that you do this.” And it’s not. Some people say, “Oh, it’s really important that you do this,” and it actually is. Right? You gotta – the ones that say it all the time, you gotta write ‘em off fucking immediately.

MadCucks: Yeah, so I went in early this morning, to get in to see how fucked I was going to be at the event today, it turns out that someone else had taken care of most of my jobs, so it ended up being pretty easy. I don’t think that person got paid, but whatever.

Dick: Oh, good for you. Someone else did your job. Dude, thanks so much for coming to the show. Let me see here.

MadCucks: No problem. It’s a ton of fun.

Dick: It wouldn’t be the same without you. It’s not the same without Asterios either, but I think it’s better. MadCucks brought these restraining orders – these temporary restraining orders and handed them out at the show. MadCucks sold crown for a dollar.

Sean: Yeah, he did. I saw a lot of crowns.

Dick: Yeah. You sold like 100 crowns.

MadCucks: Yeah, something like that.

Kian: You sold more crowns than there were chairs at the place.

Dick: They were like a buck a piece – Oh! Dude, here’s the biggest…

MadCucks: That’s like over $20.

Dick: Yeah. Don’t quote me off the air, the number was actually much lower than that when it comes time to give you your money. You know the biggest fucking shame of the whole thing. We had these great fucking shirts – [Protski] made this – you know, the guy who does all the art for the Road Rage. The T-shirts. It’s me squishing a hipster skull with the things in it. It’s this giant blue skull that looks fucking awesome. They shipped them to the venue overnight, costs a fucking fortune to get them printed and shipped in a week, to the venue on Friday, overnight. We get there and find that the shirts did not arrive. All of MadCucks’s’ shit got there like the crowns and stuff. MadCucks, who wasn’t even supposed to be there, because we lied about that so he wouldn’t get served. Which worked. Thank god. All of his stuff got there, but my shirts didn’t get there. So I got a whole box of these beautiful shirts!...

Sean: Did you find out why?

Dick: I text the shirt guy, “What’s going on?!” And he sends me the tracking number. “Attempted delivery, no one there.” You know what, that’s why I always say you should ship them to a UPS store. You don’t always say that, because I texted YOU, asking to overnight them because I really fucking needed them, WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS ADVICE 24 HOURS AGO?! GODDAMN IT! So, they’re all available on But MadCucks had all these crowns as a sea of crowns out there.

MadCucks: Yeah, looks great. It’s like a weird cult.

Dick: His crowns got bigger this time too. Ben from Drunken Peasants really loved you, by the way.

MadCucks: Yeah, he was a cool guy.

Dick: So, what. You were saying you think this – you were saying this cop guy should…

MadCucks: We were talking in the stream, and shit, I forgot the guy who pointed it out. But, he’s saying that police have no obligation to stop an ongoing crime, and that’s why the guy – like, running away. You know, that’s why he gets retirement and everything, because he has no responsibility to stop a crime.

Dick: Oh. I’ve heard that too.

Sean: Explain that. What do you mean he has no obligation?

MadCucks: it was based on the Supreme Court decision is something.  Was it DC vs. Was it Derrick Gooley? Sorry Derrick Gooley.

Dick: Yeah, I’ve heard that too though.

Sean: What are they obligated to do?


MadCucks: they have no responsibility, which seems really Fucking weird because, if you don’t have a responsibility to stop a crime, then why the fuck are you pulling me over while I’m speeding?

Dick: Yeah.

MadCucks: I don’t have the responsibility to stop this crime, sir.

Sean: I feel like this needs to be delved into little bit more.

MadCucks: Feel free to sit in your car and play with your computer and jerk off on the dashboard, but by all means, yell at everybody for texting and driving.

Dick: I fucking hate when they pull up behind me and start typing their computer. Like, you son of a bitch, don’t look where I live.  Don’t you look up SHIT about me that I know is fucking in there.  Yeah that’s what I think we need to start doing, is like reducing the idea of what the hell is the scope of this, instead of freaking out and pointing at the side of car, and saying, “well it says to protect and serve.” Yeah, they fucking stenciled that on to look cool. I’m not really in the cleavage inspection agency, I just put this on myself. But they’re not, right?

MadCucks: Sure, it’s just a motto, but like, I feel like it’s a promise, and it’s an idea of security that’s seeped into your head as like, “Oh, if I’m ever in trouble, if someone’s breaking down my front door, and trying to rob me, and cut all my Christmas lights, I expect that the cop is standing right there that he’s going to fucking intervene. But apparently, he could just be sitting there, fucking his fucking donut in his coffee like Joe DiMaggio, and then he could go, once it’s all over, come in and say, “okay, well I’m just here to report.”

Dick: You’ve got an open container in this house, sir, I have to write you a ticket.

 Sean: My question is: Do the cops know this? Because many of them do engage and get killed.

Dick: Yeah that’s what I mean. Like, there’s this huge ocean of us not agreeing what a cop it.

Sean: I feel like I’m getting a very small part of that case or that story.

Dick: If that went to the fucking supreme court.

Sean: That can’t be like a blanket thing, right?

Dick: That they have no obligation to protect.

Sean: but I don’t believe it.

Kian: but without knowing the specific language of that the court decision and also the specific circumstances behind it.  But yeah I don’t think that’s.  I guess maybe that can be accurate.

Dick: why would you have to have an obligation to stop that shit from happening?  How could you know it’s happening?  I don’t want people to stop shit from happening.

Kian: but if you watch something happening I’m sure that definitely applies pre-cog minority report shit.  You have no obligation to stop a crime before it’s happening.  But crime zone bill from not happen, not happen, not happen, to completed, right?

Dick: kidnapping does.

Kian: Yeah, you’re right, kidnapping does. Kidnapping does. Damnit.

MadCucks: Checkmate, Kian! If you’d eaten 10 waffles, you’d have known that.

Sean: Very small window of actual action right there.

Kian: So, yeah, like a bank robbery. Bank robberies – like the North Hollywood bank robbery from 1993, which is the reason that cops in LA now have high-powered rifles.

Sean: I remember it very well. I worked right down the street from there.

Kian: Right, exactly. That went on for like 3 hours. You’re saying that cops don’t have an obligation to stop that? Well, so that guy just held up a – those 4 guys just robbed a Wells Fargo wearing full body armor and guns, and now they’re outside with igh-powered rifles, shooting at cops and cars coming up. We’re gonna back off. We’re just gonna let ‘em get away.

Dick: Wait a minute. Yes! I want them to not stop that. Just let those guys get away with their money. Fuck it. It’s all insured, it’s joke money! We’re not gonna have money for that much longer, we’re just gonna phase it out for credit cards. Don’t be going around shooting everywhere in North Hollywood, I FUCKING LIVE IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD! I don’t want to accidentally take a bullet in the side of my head while I’m playing PlayStation through the fabric-thin wall of my shitty North Hollywood house, just because a bank – just because a bunch of cops wanted to save a bank’s money! Fuck the bank! They fucked me every time!

Sean: That’s actually an example I completely agree with.

Dick: Yeah! I don’t want them doing that!

Kian: Now that you put it that way, sure, yeah.

Dick: I don’t want them ever stopping crime.

Sean: That’s why some departments don’t have a chase policy. You know when you see these chases on the news and stuff, and then somebody – just an innocent bystander gets hit or something like that. I was talking to somebody about that, and he goes, “no, our department doesn’t fucking chase. That’s a fucking insurance nightmare, are you kidding me?”

Dick: Just let ‘em get away! Fuck it!

MadCucks: But it seems weird to me to say this, because – if you ordered food from a pizza place, and then it just never came, “Oh, yeah, we gave the food to the delivery driver, but he has no ethical duty to bring you that pizza.” It’s like you call an Uber, that guy just takes you wherever he’s going. “Oh, I was going to the movies. That’ll be $24.” Thanks, really appreciate it.

Sean: What about firemen? Any other dangerous job.

Dick: I mean, okay – So that’s a great example, right? Like, how when firemen first started in Rome, they would show up and say, “How much can we pay you for – we’ll make you a deal. We’ll buy your house and put out the fire, or we’ll wait for it to burn down and buy your land.” And you have to make the decision right there! And then what happened is a fireman got killed, and they said everybody hold on. We can’t just have a bunch of random stabbings on the street. It’s all insurance. It’s all insurance-based. Like, if you’re got kids burning to death in a house, you can find random guys in the street who want to jump up there and save those fucking kids.

Sean: Well, yeah, it’s usually their parents or something.

Dick: I’m saying like, human beings have that in them. Like, “fuck, I gotta go – I gotta save…” On any given day, it’s a thing, right?

Sean: Except your asshole neighbor, who you’re like, God, my life will be so much easier if he burns to death in there.”

Dick: Yeah, even like a grandma.

Sean: Why don’t I ever get what I want?

Dick: I helped a grandma on the street. Maybe she’s got a hot granddaughter. Old Russian lady’s lost. Ah, fuck. I’ll take this lady to the police station or the subway or something, be sure she gets home. But in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “Russian, probably has huge cans.” But on any given day a man can be duped into sacrificing himself to saving other people. But you can’t pay for it, and I don’t want to. That’s what I’m saying. I guess, I dunno.

MadCucks: Yeah, what are we paying for if we’re not paying for someone to, like, pull our ass out of the fire. Like, I don’t want to pay for a guy to tell me how fast I can go on the roads that I’m fucking paying for. Fuck you, dude. Fucking school zones. On a street where the speed limit’s normally 25mph, there’s a fucking school zone near me where the school zone is at 20mph. the only reason why this fucking exists is so a cop can park right here and pull over people. NO FUCKING KIDS EVEN WALK TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!

Dick: That’s true.

Kian: Yeah, they’re all behind a fence on the playground.

Dick: Alright MadCucks, get outta here. Thanks for coming to the show.

MadCucks: Yeah. Thank you, thank you.

Sean: See ya.

MadCucks: I’ll be – (Dick mutes MadCucks)

Dick: Oh, say that again?

MadCucks: I’ll be sending you an invoice.

Dick: Oh, thank you. Wonderful.

MadCucks: You can compare it. This is what a normal human being spends in 3 days, and you can determine which one’s more full of shit.

Dick: Oh… Okay. I will. Oh, fuck. I still haven’t paid Asterios. Oh, shit. I’m so bad about that.

Kian: That’s the next lawsuit. Small claims court.

Dick: I gotta pay him that stupid invoice. Yeah, I guess my problem is the scope-creep of cops, maybe. We probably talked about it for too long. I don’t want to pay a guy to end his life to protect me.

Sean: What did they start as? Where has it crept to?

Dick: Okay, it started when it was just a guy. It’s like, you’ve got Dunbar’s number – I base everything in society off of, which is how many people you can have relationships with before they start breaking down. Like that episode of married with children when Kelly Bundy had to learn sports facts to be on the trivia show, and she could only hold a limited amount of facts before something fell out. That’s like human beings are with that with other people. They can have little societies like 250 people. Um, and then that case, you can find a guy. Like, dude, we need you to protect us, and we need you to round up a posse of mega men – of like roughnecks and badasses to do that. And you’re gonna get a lot of perks. Chicks are gonna fuck you, 2, 3 at a time maybe. You’re not gonna have to work, but you gotta fucking protect us, or…

Sean: When the shit hits the fan…

Dick: Or you will get killed, or we will kill you if you don’t. That’s what we understand in our brains, I think. And then we’ve blown it up to this homogenized gigantic metroplex culture. These million-people cities, and we tried to turn this drive into a job, and it doesn’t work, because it’s like fear and threats. If you don’t live up to our expectations of what you need to do as a cop, we’re gonna kill you online. This guy’s name – if his guy doesn’t kill himself, I will be surprised.

Sean: Yea. Especially because now, you know, convictions happen in the public side so quickly. To my knowledge, the tape hasn’t been released, right? It’s only been described there he’s - he kind of stayed outside of a doorway for 4 minutes, plus the 6 minutes of shooting, and didn’t move. That’s all that was described.

Dick: Try waiting for a video to load.

Sean: Possibly. Waiting for someone who was going to call him right back, you know, before he went in.

Dick: We’ve probably talked about it too much. I just think it’s so fucking interesting when everybody gets so pissed off at once.

Sean: And people look for someone to blame. It’s much easier to focus on that guy right now.

Dick: Maybe we figured it out. I doubt it.

Sean: I’m guessing not.

Dick: I was saying something about Dunbar’s Number.

Kian: That started off with…

Dick: That’s where we started. But now you can’t – if you’ve got so many people, you don’t know who’s going to protect you. I don’t want a random guy to show up a and protect me. I don’t need that.

Sean: You might.

Dick: No, I don’t.

Sean: But you might.

Dick: No, I don’t. If a random guy shows up, I think he would hurt me more than help me.

Sean: What if he’s wearing a uniform?

Dick: The uniform people might be the ones I’m fighting.

Sean: Let’s keep it in the scope of what’s supposed to – the idea of it.

Dick: So what? A guy with a uniform comes in, it’s me with a gun and another guy with a gun, I’m definitely drunk and swearing more than the other guy, I look like the fucking bad guy.

Sean: What if you’re acting like some semblance of a regular human being? You don’t have a loaded gun, you’re out of IPA.

Dick: 100% I have a loaded gun. I sleep with a fucking loaded gun nearby!

Sean: You’re sleeping over at somebody else’s house. It’s all decorated in pink, there’s pink beer in the fridge that you would never touch.

Dick: You know, maybe women should run the whole thing.

Sean: Right.

Kian: Instead of killing each other, we’ll just be really catty to one-another.

Dick: Yeah. Let’s see here. I had something about the Olympics too. I want to talk to this 80’s guy, let’s see if he’s on.

Kian: Oh, he was great.

Dick: Hey, 80’s guy, you there?

Sean: You still in Portland?

80’s Guy: Hey! No, I made it out.

Sean: Oh, good.

Dick: So, this guy comes wearing a Regan-Bush shirt and like a headband.

Kian: He gave me absinth.

Dick: You gave Kian absinth?

80’s Guy: Yeah.

Kian: Gave me a great one. Gave me the most expensive kind they had there, it was totally delicious.

Dick: This poor fucking guy, every Road Rage there’s -  someone will come out of the woodwork at the end like the ultimate sob story, like – the ultimate “I got fucked” story. So, this guy’s hanging out at the show, and he comes up, he’s having a lot of fun, and everybody’s loving the outfit that he’s rocking. The 80’s guy thing. He’s got a whole thing. He comes up and participates. And then I see him at the bar later. We went – the first place we went to after the show was like – it felt like a David Lynch movie. Like, there was a drag queen or some kind of supercharged gay man who was in the middle of getting – was in the middle of transitioning into his drag costume. It’s like he was at home, putting on his RuPaul shit, and he stopped halfway through, and went left.

Sean: And it was belting out a tune at like 130 decibels when we walked in. It could have been that or like an aircraft engine.

Dick: And then stopping, and saying, “Oh, this is – something is messed up with the audio settings that I sound terrible.” It was like he was tuning a karaoke! I’ve never seen…

Sean: There were 6 people in that bar.

Dick: The frustration of watching a musician tune a guitar on stage. This guy would play a fucking karaoke track, go to the computer, bitch about it into the microphone while he’s playing the karaoke track. It was a fucking nightmare. I don’t know how we ended up at this bar. Again, it was like fuck! We just played the show, there’s 100 people coming here, we walk in, there’s 1 bartender, and this very bizarre queen on the microphone, already ranting and screaming about how he’s having a bad night.

Sean: Those were not friendly gays.

Dick: No, they were not friendly. Not like our top gay who’s extremely friendly. Very helpful.

Sean: They did not want us in there.

Dick: 80’s guy, he came up to me asking – we gotta go! We gotta go.

Kian: That guy was hitting on me afterwards.

Dick: Who hit on you?

Kian: The gay guy with the things, after he was done doing karaoke. There’s a point where I tried to get everyone out from in front, because they had already got mad and they were yelling at us, and I didn’t want them to call the cops.

Sean: For spending money in the bar?

Kian: Also, it was an hour before closing, and the one bartender shouted, “it’s an hour before closing, I’m not opening up any more tabs, so you gotta get the gay guys to buy you drinks.” Which actually wouldn’t have been that bad of an idea. But, there was one point where I ran after you, you were walking the other direction, I’m telling you where we’re going, I was going back, and as I was running back to Diego.

Dick: I remember you saying that. You don’t change.

Sean: Went right through a neighborhood.

Kian: So, I run back, and as I’m running back to Diego.

Dick: how about that, another loop closed.

Kian: This guy, I guess he was done singing. He was standing right outside the bar, and he looked at me and sad, “hey daddy. Hey sweet daddy, where you going? Okay, well, have a nice night.” So yeah, he wanted some of us there.

Dick: It was fucked up. I remember being hit on by gay men more than women.

Kian: All the time.

Dick: Ah, awesome. Isn’t that weird? Somehow, it’s more flattering. When a woman says it it’s like, did you see $100 that I had in my pocket or something, you bitch?

Sean: The gay guy must really like you!

Dick: Yeah, they must like me for my personality!

Kian: This is great, man. I don’t see what women complain about.

Dick: So, 80’s Guy hits me up at the next bar, and he says, “my jacket got stolen, and my keys were in it. My keys are gone, and I’m pretty much stuck in Portland. What do you think I should do?” I dunno, man. I dunno. 80’s Guy, what happened to you, man?

80’s Guy: I show up after you guys get kicked out of the first place, and I was none the wiser. I thought maybe I had gotten there early, but I’d got there late, apparently. And, so, I set my jacket down, and I sing a karaoke song, I wooed the crowd.

Dick: You actually sang there?

Sean: Did you really? That’s awesome!

80’s Guy:  I sang a shortened rendition of Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D.

Dick: Wait a minute. So, before we got there, you sang Fuck Her Gently, and then that…

80’s Guy:  I think it was after you guys had left.

Dick: Oh, it was after we left. So, just to rub salt in the wound, you got up there in your Reagan-Bush getup.

Sean: Sang a hetero song.

Dick: Sang a very aggressive hetero song.

Sean: Did you get any applaud?

80’s Guy: Oh, they fucking loved me. The guys and the women wanted to suck me off.

Sean: They thought you were doing it ironically.

Dick: Okay, so then what happened?

80’s Guy: So, I go to the bar, and I meet up with you all, and everybody’s like, “did you just leave it at one of the bars, man?” I was like, no, man. I didn’t walk in the 30-degree weather without a coat. So, yeah. Someone just straight up just jacked my coat. And, yeah. My car keys were in it.

Sean: One of 6 people in that bar.

80’s Guy: Right! Yeah! That was another thing! There was only like 5 or 6 people there.

Dick: I felt bad too, because then I’m like, eh, the reason they’re in your jacket is probably because you’re wearing those cool shorts to like, have a fun time at the show, right?

80’s Guy: Right. So, I get to the new bar, I meet up with you guys for a little bit. It was probably like 5 minutes before last call when they kicked us all out.

Sean: I remember when you showed up.

80’s Guy: Shit, man. It was right about then that it hit me. Fuck, dude, I gotta find somewhere to stay tonight. So, I call a cab, and I say, “hey, just take me to wherever the nearest hotel was,” which, in hindsight, was a terrible decision. You ever watch Breaking Bad? You ever see that fucking hotel that the prostitute was living in? That’s basically where I stayed that night.

Dick: You don’t need a Breaking Bad reference, it could just be a hotel that looks like prostitutes stay there.

80’s Guy: Yeah, there’s some meth deals going down in the fucking parking lot. Anyway man, so I wake up…

Dick: Did you stay there?

80’s Guy: Yeah, I did.

(Dick gasps)

80’s Guy: In my defense, dude, I’d been drinking. You know?

Dick: Yeah. You need a different liquor. Your liquor’s not thinking for you.

Sean: You gotta make it work for you.

Dick: Yeah, you gotta get your liquor to work for you.

Sean: Drink smart, not hard. Or both. Or something.

Dick: This guy’s liquor is selling him out! Sending him to the prostitute hotel.

Sean: Losing his keys in gay bars.

80’s Guy: So, I wake up…

Dick: You woke up in the hooker motel.

80’s Guy: Yeah, I wake up in the hooker motel, I’m hungover as fuck, and I look out the window, and it’s raining sideways. It’s about 30 degrees out. Like, hey, no problem. Got my phone, I’ll just order myself an Uber.

Dick: wait, did you have any other clothes, or were you stick in that 80’s getup?

80’s Guy: No.

(Everyone gets their hehe on)

Sean: Getting’ doors slammed in his face.

Kian: Had to call 4 different Ubers, because they all kept driving off.

80’s Guy: So, I pick up my phone, no problem dude, it’s raining sideways, it’s fucking freezing outside, I’ll order an Uber.

Dick: Where do you live?

80’s Guy: Olympia, Washington, which is about an hour-45 north. 45 minutes north of…

Dick So you drove down and lost your keys, and you’re fucked. Oh, god. That sucks!

80’s Guy: So, I pick up my phone to order an Uber, oh shit, phone’s dead. Battery’s completely fucking dead. I’m like, what the fuck am I going to do now? So, I have to check out, or else they’re going to charge me another fucking night for the stupid ass hotel room. So I check out, I asked the guy at the front desk, dude, is there a place I can go get a coat or whatever. He just straight up says no, and he walks away.

(Another round of hehe’s from everyone)

80’s Guy: Customer service was not his strong point.

Sean: Up there, you’re the equivalent of being black in the deep south in 1960.

Dick: Wearing a Regan-Bush – he’s trapped.

Sean: Yeah, you’re not getting served, dude.

Dick: Did you turn your tank top inside out at least?

80’s Guy: No, I said fuck it, if I’m going big, I gotta go hard, right? Dude, so I…

Dick: trapped in an ironic costume in an unholy land.

80’s Guy: It’s a fucking liberal land Mecca, dude. I look like a hungover gay republican walking down the street.

Dick: You do.

80’s Guy: So, I’m walking past everybody. Everybody’s bundled up in like fleece and warm looking coats. Here I am in my stupid-ass tank top.

Dick: Dude! It was freezing too! Pelting rain.

Sean: It was literally freezing. You can die if you stay out there too long. It looks like he’s a marathon runner who got lost or something.

Dick: They’re gonna find a frozen gay republican.

80’s Guy: So, I just pick a random direction, I start walking. I find a convenience store, and I’m like, “oh great, maybe they have some sort of oversized hoodie I can buy off them or something.” Right? So I go in there, there’s no luck, but I ask the guy if there’s some place I can buy a coat, he’s like, “Yeah, man. 3 miles down the road that way.” I said fuck it, dude, and I started walking. You know, this is my punishment from god for drinking too much last night. Fuck it, I’ll accept it. I walked the entire way to the – I was getting some death-stares from behind some cat eyeglasses and green haircuts. When I finally get to the department store, I finally get myself a new coat and a phone charger, and then I – that wasn’t even the hard part. The hard part was now doing the reverse drunken detective work of finding my fucking car.

Dick: Yeah. But you still don’t have your keys.

Sean: So what do you do without car keys?

80’s Guy: Right, so, that was the first step, was finding my car, because my mind went to – the person who has my coat, they could just go around and push the panic key on my fob and find my car. Free fucking car, dude.

Sean: Yeah, because you know your car probably isn’t that far from…

80’s Guy: Right. It was like a couple blocks away from where the show was. But I found it. It was in one piece. It was in the same spot I left it. That’s good news. So, then I start – I go back, and I check the Secret Society, then I check that first bar we went to, just in case some good Samaritan realized their mistake and took my jacket back to the venue, right? No such luck. They didn’t have it. Now I pull out my trump card, which is – there’s a.

Dick: I thought he literally meant Trump card. Called Trump, like 1 favor. You call the Trump hotline.

Kian: Air force one comes into Portland to carry him away.

Dick: Like Santa, he sends out a helper. A guy with a shitty wig runs out and helps you.

80’s Guy: There was a locksmith service that would make a copy of my key, but it probably costs like $700 or some stupid bullshit like that. But, you know what, I needed my car, and that was a price I was willing to pay to get the fuck out of Portland. So, I called him, and, before that though, a couple hours before that, I had the bright idea to post on Reddit, and say, “Hey, I lost my coat last night.”

Dick: Yeah, I was gonna ask if you asked anybody. Even staying in a hooker motel, someone would let you sleep with them for the price of a blowjob and a hooker.

80’s Guy: Mine was on, like, what the fuck do I do? Like, where’s my coat, where’s my keys? I was thinking for the future, not for the present. And, yeah. Sure as shit, as soon as I got on the phone with the locksmith, I had a little notification in my reddit inbox, and some dickhead had picked up my coat by accident. The power of the internet.

Dick: I’m glad you didn’t pay $700 for a new key.

80’s Guy: Oh, me too, man.

Sean: Yeah, the timing could have been worse.

Dick: Why the hell did he have your jacket? How do you pick up a wrong jacket and wear it all night?

80’s Guy: Again, I blame the alcohol. Who knows? We’re all fucking drinking, dude.

Dick: Alright man. Well, congratulations. What makes you a rage?

80’s Guy: You mean besides being stranded in a liberal mecca without a jacket?

Dick: Yeah, besides that.

80’s Guy: You know. People who full screen a YouTube video or something, and then leave the fucking cursor in the middle of the screen.

Dick: That is annoying.

80’s Guy: Fucking hate that shit.

(Kian laughs)

Dick: Have I been doing that?

80’s Guy: No, not you. My college professors are very guilty of this. Like, heyt, watch this Ted Talk. They’ll maximize it, and the fucking cursor’s right in the middle of the…

Dick: You’re paying for that. “Hey everybody, watch this Ted Talk. I’m gonna go get drunk and look at the TAs on Facebook.” You know what I have is when people are watching me do computer shit, I gotta tone down all my cursor work and highlighting. Because, usually when I read, I highlight words and click around on the page. But when anybody’s watching it – just sitting there, they’ll make fun of you. Alright man, thanks for coming.

80’s Guy: Thanks for having the show dude, it was a blast.

Dick: It was, I love Portland. Take it easy. There he goes.

Sean: That guy was cool. I talked to him for a bit.

Dick: Oh, wait a minute! Is he still there? Hey, 80’s guy, are you there?

80’s Guy: Yo, waddup?

Dick: Yeah. Somebody said that they caught you hitting on Layc on the livestream.

80’s Guy: No, no. That was a different guy.

Dick: Oh, are you sure?

80’s Guy: Yup.

Dick: There’s nothing wrong with hitting on Layc. Did you see the other guy doing it?

80’s Guy: No. I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. I did talk to Layc, she’s very nice. I was up there the singled out though.

Dick: Yeah, that was fun. Alright, I thought there was something.

Sean: He’s the guy who looks like David Arquette.

Dick: Yeah.

Kian: I mean, to be fair, there were a lot of guys hitting on Layc that night.

80’s Guy: I would fess up to this, trust me. But no, that wasn’t me.

Dick: Alright buddy, take it easy.

80’s Guy: You too bud.

Dick: Somebody said that there was like hidden – secret audio of him hitting on Layc.

Sean: Really?

Dick: I guess not though.

Kian: Lacy’s spreading the rumor herself.

Dick: Somebody made a Dick Show IQ test, making fun of Maddox. Okay, here’s the IQ test. You get 10 points for every correct answer, like, as how an IQ test should work. Who’s Kim Kardashian married to? That’s the first question. Do you know that?

Sean: I do, yeah.

Dick: A) Bruce Jenner. B) Caitlyn Jenner. C) Kanye West. That’s actually – that is a good IQ test, because it’s a process of elimination. How many Dark Souls games are there? 3? 4 if you want to be pedantic and include Demon Souls. Or V) 1. Logan Paul filmed a ___ in the Japanese – so it’s all trivia. Speaking of Maddox, after Ben was on the program, when he was at the show, Maddox sent him an email accusing him of doxing him. Very quickly. Immediately. That fucking guy. He like obsessively stalks this show.

Kian: So, he was watching…

Dick: he was watching the livestream.

Kian: So, he’s a Patreoni?

Dick: I guess.

Kian: He’s paying you to make fun of him.

Dick: Yeah, I dunno. There’s all kinds of – there’s all kinds of quotes from bonus episodes and stream content.

Sean: Yeah. I mean, somebody’s paying attention to everything you do. It’s been that way since the beginning.

Dick: Everything.

Sean: There’s no doubt about it.

Dick: It’s weirdly obsessive. Speaking of bonus episodes, we recorded a bonus episode. Sean and I. Last week, and it was very funny. It was very, very, very funny. And the temporary restraining order was released sometime after we recorded it. So, we’re at a point in the lawsuit now where I have to tell you – usually I’m a guy that likes to not say things. Because I think that’s – I think that’s blasphemous. I think that’s against god! If god is this like – a feeling that is in the pursuit of betterment and… getting to the bottom of what people are, which is in itself, inherently extremely violent. It’s not a positive force. It’s not. It’s a little bit Darwin, and it’s a little bit Mr. Rogers. That’s the human race to me. We’re all gonna be real fucking happy. We’re all gonna be good neighbors. But if you’re not, we’re gonna eat you. And we’re gonna take everything that made you you, and we’re gonna turn it into a puppet. And then we’re gonna interact with that puppet. That’s the human race to me. A little bit Darwin, a little bit Mr. Rogers. And I don’t like not saying things. I really, really don’t like not saying things. Some people might say I have a problem with it. It’s not even that I don’t like not saying things, I don’t like being told how to not say things. That’s an even fucking bigger problem. Because you can say, “good for you.” You’re really saying, “go fuck yourself!” You don’t have to scream it at them like that. You say, “hello, good for you. You nailed it. Good for you. What you’re really saying is, “I fucking hate you, and you should feel bad for what you just did.” But, in this case, we’re at a point in the lawsuit where #1, I cannot talk about what I talk about with my lawyers. I learned about this thing. We’re all getting undergraduate degrees. Educations in the legal process. I thought I learned a lot from the fucking restraining order. From Kian. Some people don’t know that Kian’s the hero of the restraining order, by the way. Oh yeah, that seemed like forever ago. It was a year ago. It was one year ago.

Kian: I was surprised when someone came up to me at the first bar and was like, “so are you affiliated with the show?” Um, yeah. I’m Kian, how you doing? “Oh, I don’t think I ever heard you on the show. I don’t listen very recently.” What’s your definition of recent, buddy? Like a year and a half, 2 years?

Sean: Yeah, I’m kind of a fucking huge deal. Dick, get ‘em out of here. Have this guy removed!

Dick: if it wasn’t for your intervention, I don’t think any of this would be happening.

Kian: Well, shit. Sorry.

Dick: No, no, no, no. We have to fight to protect the first amendment. That’s what we – as much as I rail on men getting pressured into doing things that are against their own interests, this is one of them. If Maddox wins, the first amendment is dead. It’s a simple as that.

Kian: That’s not even an exaggeration.

Dick: And one day it will happen! One day it will happen! One day, someone will win, and that will be the end! Because it’s like that all over the world. It’s like that in every other country but this one. Count Dankula is facing prison because there are not people defending the – So, Nick Rackets – or, Nick Rekieta, he was in the comments of one of his videos talking about the first amendment, and somebody said, “Well, you know, the second amendment is there to protect the first amendment, and Nick says it’s the reverse. And I had always thought it was the second amendment – when he said it, I’m like, “well, Nick is obviously smarter than me. I gotta take what I think, and boot it out of my head.” That’s my policy. If you’re smarter than me, I take what I think, kill it, I take it back behind the woodshed, and I say, “you know what? I love you…”

Sean: Second amendment it! Right in the face!

Dick: I say, “You know what, Dick’s idea? I love you, I’ve known you my whole life, I raised you, I watched you be bornt, [sic] and I’ve raised you from a little idea into a whole system – into a belief. I raised you from when you were just a little notion, and now you’re a full-on belief. But there’s this smarter guy, Nick Rackets, who says not you. So, I’m killing you.” That’s my fucking policy. Right? Half Mr. Rogers, that’s the Darwin part. I love you, I gotta shoot you in the fucking head.

Sean: The current environment says you don’t get to eat or fuck. You’re done.

Dick: Nick says you’re wrong. Kaplow! And he’s fucking right. First amendment – THE FIRST AMENDMENT is what protects the second. That’s what I’m saying. And if Maddox wins, it’s over. Some day, someone will win, and it’ll be over, because you can’t fight it forever. Right?

Sean: Nothing lasts forever.

Dick: Nothing lasts forever. As soon as all the smart people all go to Mars, and all the dumb-dumbs are left on earth, that IQ starts dropping. That first planet’s gonna get harder and harder to defend. But I will say this: You can’t talk about what you talk about with them, because it breeches some protected – you’re talking to your lawyer, and it’s – it can’t be discovered. You can’t be compelled to tell anybody else about it, because you’re always not talking about it. Right? That’s like a thing in the court. Well, like, you guys are BFFs. We protect the communication for BFFs.

Kian: Attorney-client privilege.

Dick: Attorney-client privilege. Start blabbing about it, and they’ll say, “Well, he’s telling some – he’s blabbing something about his BFF, we want to hear all of it.” And that will fuck you, because you then just spend forever in discovery. Ant that’s what we’re looking a tin this case. It’s a – this is a never-fucking-ending lawsuit. Lolsuit. It’s entirely constructed in my mind, to bleed Maddox dry, and try to bleed every person on the other side dry. Patreon, Weber, by someone who does not give a fuck about it. But, people are human. And, in order to get this – in order to get this dismissed as quickly as fucking possible – as it should be – because the entire thing is a flagrant and obvious abuse of any concept of a system of justice. Any concept of it.

Sean: It’s laughable.

Dick: It’s laughably abusive toward it. But, that’s because I know all the facts. That’s because I know all the facts. You cannot assume that. You can assume that, you get raped. That’s what happens. You think you know all the facts going in, you better hope you lubed up your asshole just for your own sake, is what I’m saying. So, I think I’ll release a redacted form of that bonus episode, because the things that I’m doing at this point do not only affect me. If it only affected me, I would say fuck it. I can’t tell the difference between – a stripper once told me – she’s tweaking my nipples really hard, for some reason. I was getting a lap dance at a strip club in Nebraska. And she goes in there, and she starts really cranking my Nipples, and I start cracking up, I start laughing, right? She’s like, “why are you laughing?” I just do that when things hurt.

Sean: Your hoof pinches a little.

Dick: Because I was thinking about you in a Ms. Piggy wig, ahh! I said, “I dunno, I just always done that. When things hurt so much, I start laughing.” She was gonna rip the goddamn nipples off. And she goes, “well, that’s fucked. I’ve been a stripper for a long time. First of all, your buddy that paid for this lap dance told me to just come in here and tweak your nipples.”

Sean: Yeah, I owe him a punch in the jugular.

Dick: Yeah, so I owe him a punch in the cock. And she’s like, “because it was supposed to hurt. And I’ve been doing this to hurt, but you’re just laughing.” Sorry.

Sean: It does hurt, if it makes you feel better.

Dick: That’s just what I’ve always done. When something hurts so bad, I just think it’s hilarious. Like, I can’t – And it’s a feeling of laughing. Like the feeling of laughing comes out and I can’t stop it. It’s like, it hurts, it hurts. It fucking hurts. But then it crosses over the line, and just becomes euphoric. And she says, “Uh, yeah. That’s fucked. You’re fucked, get the hell outta here.” So, This is what, like, That’s what this entire lolsuit is to me. All of the pain and the fear of being stalked by process servers, and all these terrible things that might come out on the internet. It’s all funny to me, because everyone can see what it is. You know? And it hurts, but the pain itself is funny. It’s far beyond the point of being something that you would fear, because it’s so completely preposterous. I mean, I’m literally wiping my ass with it! Some wonderful, hilarious person brought custom toilet paper to Road Rage. We gave it away at Road Rage, the lolsuit printed on toilet paper. I literally wiped my ass with the lolsuit! Today!

Sean: That’s pretty great.

Dick: But if I fuck around too much, there is a non-zero chance, and there is always a non-zero chance, that it fucks everybody. And I don’t mean just me. I don’t mean just Maddox. I mean Asterios, Weber, My business partners, Patreon, the fucking customer service guy at Patreon.

Sean: However miniscule that chance is, it does exist.

Dick: It exists in a very real way. So, I am sorry, because – I know that I would be disappointed hearing that. But I gotta do it. Everyone’s a cuck eventually, and this time it’s me. Alright. So, there you go. This has been The Dick Show. Thank you for coming to Portland. Somebody brought me a Magic deck the first night. A black magic – one motherfucker sent in one Magic booster pack, and not I’ve got $300 of Magic fucking cards, and I’m sorting them in bed. I’m tricking Coach to come over to play Magic with me. “Hey, come on over, play this game. It’s no big deal.”

Sean: Does he even know what it is?

Dick: He does now. I made him come over.

Sean: You see, I knew he wouldn’t know.

Dick: I made him come over to play, and it’s hard to explain how Magic works. So, I thought maybe he had a shitty time. He left right away to go do some pregnancy shit, but then the next day, he hit me up, he’s like, “all I’m thinking about is playing Magic.” Ahh, thank god! Somebody brought me Magic…

Sean: I’ve never played Magic.

Kian: You’re missing out. You’re really missing out.

Sean: Really? You know this game?

Kian: I was the weird kid in middle school, that’s, all we did.


Sean: He’s a big Magic player.

Kian: I can count to 20 real good.

Dick: This dude brought me a deck saying he’s like, “base on some of your stories, I think this might have been your deck.” And I swear to god, it’s the exact fucking deck that I played when I was 14 years old.

Sean: You built that deck, right?

Dick: Yeah. You build like your little army. I’m thumbing through this deck, and every single one, I’m like, “oh my fucking god.” This is like my Ratatouille moment, getting this Magic the Gathering thing. I was thumbing through it all week, and ‘m like, “Oh, Sengir Vampire, I remember this motherfucker!”

Kian: Those are like white-bordered cards?

Dick: White-bordered cards.

Kian: Wow!

Dick: Everybody was making fun of me for – I posted a picture of me playing with Coach and 80’s girl. They’re like, “You sick fuck, you put all your lands on top?” I didn’t know that you weren’t supposed to do that. I switched them, I was like, “oh, I get it now, so you can see the other creatures. In my day, it was always lands on top.

Kian: To hide the creatures from your opponent, so they couldn’t read the activated abilities.

Dick: Jim [Schmats] made some Dickels. Fucking dope. 3D printed some Dickels.

Sean: Yeah, those are cool.

Dick: I hope everybody got some. I got one, I made sure to keep one. If you didn’t, fuck you, I guess you missed out. And man, I’m really terrible with everybody’s name. And this one, this REEE license plate. Mr. Alaska.

Kian: I just realized it’s special Olympics.

Sean: Yeah, no. That’s all I was focusing in on.

Dick: So, thanks everybody for coming. I will get that bonus episode up, but, as I said, we had too much fun on that one.

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Dick: You know what the worst part is, it’s still up on the livestream, but I don’t want to appear like I’m selling it, and I don’t want to sell it. As soon as this is over, we’ll talk about it. Okay, this song is called Cuck. You’ve been listening to The Dick Show,, Thank you to MadCucks, Myroom Records, Peach Saliva, Layc, Diego. Fuck. Without Diego, we could not do any of these without Diego. Sean, of course. Kian, for coming. Randy for coming. The how drink is Randy updates are my favorite parts. Here’s Cuck by George Trivinski.

(Dick starts the song)

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Shamelessly ripped off from KenDollInHide, that voice.

Sean: That was fucking awesome.

Kian: They’re the next lawsuit targets.

Caller #1: Hey Dick, this is Connor from Salt Lake, just saying that you did a good job on the Portland… Uh… Road Rage? (The audio quality is terrible here, use your imagination on this one.)

Sean: Yeah, I was talking to that guy. Because, from Salt Lake or Utah, or whatever his – you know. It’s not like you’d expect that many people from there.

Dick: That was one of the most fun things I’ve ever experienced.

Sean: What’s that, the…

Dick: Ben from Drunken Peasants whipping out the banned words list.

Sean: Yeah, that was pretty amazing. I was – it shocked me.

Dick: Yeah.

Caller #2: Hey, Dick, it’s Cooper the Roofer. You know what makes me a rage? These fucking new mothers with their stupid strollers on the subway and the bus. Their fucking strollers are the size of a fucking M1A1 tank, and they stand there at the front of the bus like, “oh yeah, look at me.”

Dick: Hehe, they’re all getting off!

Caller #2: I’ve got 125 pounds of tools on me! Get the fuck out of the way you stupid cunt! I don’t care if you have a baby, I got fucking jobs to do. Stupid bitch. Fuck!

Dick: Alright, Cooper. Cooper the roofer.

Sean: Reminds me of the guy inn City Slickers, when it’s like Bring your father to work day or whatever with the construction worker. Like, how the guy tells the story about the superhuman strength. “Hey, ya stupid bitch! Get outta there! I’ve got this 2000-pound crane!”

Dick: Yeah. They are big, though. Those new strollers, it’s like – my sister had 2 strollers. An obnoxious one that folded – had off-roading tires, and like a skateboard that attached to it. And then she had one that we affectionately referred to as the Mexican stroller, because it’s all you needed to carry the child around. A bit of scaffolding. It didn’t look too stable, but stable enough. And then some cheese, shitty Micky Mouse fabric on it. These bobs that they have – that these new moms have. You just give it a nudge.

Sean: How about the carts they make in the grocery stores just for the little kids, so they can feel like they’re riding around…


Sean: Like, you’re trying to get by in an aisle of oversized people. Now there’s oversized carts just so your little shit doesn’t throw a fit. He’s too good to be put in the fucking wire cart. The son of a bitch has to be in a fucking race car that’s twice as wide as a regular cart. “Yeah, he’s got a little flag on it, and a little fucking steering wheel.”

Dick: Everybody gets cool vehicles but us. Able-bodied middle-aged men. Everybody gets cool cars but us. The new moms get their little scooters, their bob-scooters, where the seat detaches, and then it goes right into your car. You just give it a little crank there. Pull it out, put it in. Doesn’t matter that it’s 12-feet wide. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t fit through the door. You gotta take the baby out, fold it up, then put it back together on the other side. Where’s my fucking car? Where’s my mech suit? Why do you new moms have $2000 strollers, but I don’t have a DARPA suit? Oh, no. That’s just military guys. Why? Why do they have any? Why don’t we just buy everybody off? Give me the suits.

Kian: Yeah. How come you don’t have a Gundam?

Dick: Yeah. You know, I just want stilts. I just want stilts that are in some way mechanized. That have an app. Just give me a stilt – stilts, and tell me that it has an app. I’m fine.

Kian: So you like guide it with your phone?

Dick: I dunno. It could just be an app that says, “Dick’s stilts.” Like, alright, cool.

They come running – just disembodied stilts come running down the street to pick you up.

Sean: Like Iron Man’s suit.

Dick: Like an Iron Man suit. Just so I can wear them in public, and some stupid asshole comes up to me wondering why I have these stilts on. Hey, they got a fucking app, that’s why I have these stilts on. It’s legit. What do you have? Have you got an app on your pacemaker? It’s got nothing, might as well be grandpa technology. Here’s Facebook news, I forgot to play that.

(Dick starts the bit)

Captain Jackass: “Hello Dick, and hello dickheads. This is the Facebook group news the last couple days. In a post asking people to post pictures of their chins, 2 Australian dickheads are now on the brink of throwing down. Chris Onion referred to Stove as a beta beard, and Stove, who’s really stressed out right now, called Chris a cunt, and threatened to make the 8-hour drive so that he can beat the shit out of him until he’s on the ground crying. He also threatened to break his nose, and suggested that he tread lightly, or else.”

Dick: Wait a minute, you guys…

Captain Jackass: “Days later, with no sign of this Australian death feud slowing down.”

Dick: I’ll sanction that fucking match. Whatever it fucking takes, if those guys have a beef, and they want to fight it out in the ring, I can make that happen. Both of them – Captain Jackass can be the promoter. The ringside announcer. In this cornerstone- both of you – if you’re serious about a beef that you’re having, and you wanna Asterios style it, you let me know. I’ll make it happen.

Captain Jackass: Speaking of internet fighting, Nick Rekieta and Jonathan McCarthy began bantering back and forth about how it’s not cool to make fun of a lawyer for having a DUI. Very quickly became evident that McCarthy could be the long-time mole that we’ve been looking for. Referring to Landau’s DUI as unfortunate and was insistent that him getting caught wasn’t the fault of the drinks, but rather bad luck and misfortune. Dickheads discovered that mole McCarthy was the first to unveil the news about Maddox posting an IP block on his website. We will be keeping an eye on this DUI sympathizer in case anything else rings up. Next up is Tom Hennen, who posted a picture of himself drinking I nice, cold, Sam Adams Boston lager in the driver’s seat of his car. As expected, 80% of the post is telling him to kill himself, calling him a fucking retard, accusing him of being Landau, and letting him know that his seatbelt light is on. Meanwhile, about 4 or 5 dickheads are saying there is nothing inherently wrong with the road soda, as long as you’re not wasted. It’s only one beer, so exactly what is the big deal? After an hour of this post, Tom posted a picture of his finished Sam Adams in his bedroom with the caption, “get fucked, losers. I win” Also, I’d like to make a quick, honorable mention to Carrie Grove, the first ever dickhead in the group to have a post reach 1000 comments, and happen within a span of 3 hours. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.

(The bit ends)

Dick: What did he say? The post? Got 1000? Dude, there is – I saw some posts last night – Turney?

Kian: The hot Australian chick?

Dick: Yeah. They were showing some of their calendar pics. They’re stunning. They’ve got – they’re posting with some of the shirts on the show. These fucking women in there are gorgeous! I can’t believe – this shit is definitely not safe for women! The pictures that they’re posting. And it’s like, I mean, the level of detail now, where – like, you were in the Polaroid days, in our parent’s days, you take shots and you’re not seeing anything. But now, it’s – wait a minute, what can I – you’re going through there with a jeweler’s loop, trying to see if you can spot any pubic hairs or stuff like that. How far does this – I got a new iPhone. How far does this motherfucker zoom in now?

Sean: Almost like an enhance.

Dick: Yeah, enhance. And then it stops. I zoom in, and it stops zooming in, and I’m like, “Noooo! I’m trying to tear it open! C’mon, you son of a bitch!” Need a little bit more zoom. Yeah, if those guys really wanna fight, we can do that. We’ve learned from the Asterios-WarOfTheFanboys debacle, we’ll call it.

Caller #3 You know what makes me a rage? Girl scout cookies – girl scouts selling girl scout cookies. Because, I go to the store having no intention of buying cookies, and the girls go, “Hey, you wanna buy some cookies?” Bitch! Yeah, I do, I need some fucking thin mints. How much are they, $4 a box? So I have to make my car payment, fuck it! Give me everything that’s on top of and under the table. And, you know what else makes me a rage? So, I didn’t shit my pants, but there is definitely a breech of cheeks. But it never touched my underwear, so I guess I shit my cheeks?

Dick: No, you shit your pants.

Caller #3: That’ll make you a fucking rage. Because, if it’s happening to me at 34 years old, what the fuck is it gonna be like at 70?

Dick: It gets worse, dude. It gets much worse. Don’t be in denial about shitting your pants. You shit in your pants. Like, I’ve played that game with myself. I didn’t really shit my pants.

Sean: Went on a technicality.

Dick: Ah, that’s just a little shit on my skin. That’s fine. No, it’s in your pants.

Sean: You know if it’s supposed to happen or not. That was not supposed to happen. You trusted a fart too much, that’s what happened.

Dick: Are you just gonna keep those underwear on then? No, I’m just gonna change ‘em. Okay, you shit your pants.

Sean: Yeah. Did you sit down? After you thought there might be a problem, did you sit down? I’m guessing the answer was no.

Dick: Did you do that weird sitting on one cheek and rolling it over, and trying to squeeze them together so there’s less service area? If you did that, you might have shit your pants. That’s my Jeff Foxworthy shit your pants routine. Don’t lie to me about shitting pants.

Caller #4: You know what pisses me off? Tom Petty dick suckers. It was bad enough when he was alive, but everybody’s sucking his dick now that he’s dead. He was playing music for almost 50 years, and he only ever put out 2 good songs.

Sean: I wanna know what they are.

Caller #4: Everything else is hot garbage. I’ve downloaded random albums off Bandcamp with more hit songs than his whole career. If I was as bad at my job as him, I’d get fired.

Sean: I thought he was gonna have more of a zinger at the end. I mean, really. Not pleasing to me at all. Did not enjoy his music.

Dick: What did he have? Last dance with Mary Jane?

Sean: I wanna know what he thought the 2 good songs were.

Dick: Me too.

Sean: Yeah, that’s the most interesting part of that to me.

Dick: American Girl.

Sean: Could be anything. Who knows what he thinks are the good songs.

Kian: Nothing that he did solo. It was everything that he did with that band Mudcrush that he had 5 songs with.

Dick: Andrew from Eugene, Oregon. I’ll play 2 by him. I think I skipped him last week. I’ll play this one first.

Caller #5: The Dick Show, this is Andrew Oregon [and this is how I talk.] I like Nintendo, but what makes me a rage is Yoshi. Is he an anthropomorphic sentient being or not? I’m assuming he’s got a brain. But, if that’s true, the guy’s wearing a saddle, so you’d think he’s a slave.

Dick: I always thought Yoshi was Mario’s wife. Anybody else think that? Like a Japanese version of Mario? He loses Mario, and he’s all freaked out, and he like runs, falls off cliffs, and Mario’s like, whatever. So long. He just gets another one. Saddle that bitch up. I dunno, that’s just how I saw the relationship, because it’s not his dog. Because then you’d feel bad about blowing Yoshi off just to make a jump or just to like protect yourself like, “Ah fuck, get on Yoshi so these guys can’t hit me again.”

Caller #6: What’s up, Dick, this is Twang Wangler, a proud Patreoni, supporter of The Dick Show and the C U Next Tuesday network. I wanted to congratulate you for another great show. Doesn’t it feel great to have a livestream event…

Dick: There’s the sarcasm starting.

Caller #6: With a shitty mid-2000’s computer, stationed 40-feet away from the stage. That would be embarrassing. It’s a good thing the bass in the opening song came across clear and unattenuated, otherwise people would bitch about it. Good thing that’s not the case, and good thing Sean’s beautiful, succulent face was cut off. That’s who we wanted to not see. Sean, you, a practicing engineer, managed to livestream an event without any audio fuckups of any kind. Cam whores, 14-year-olds on Twitch, livestreams too. But your audio sounded much better than theirs.

Sean: Was it all fucked up?

Dick: Oh, it’s unlistenable. The audio. From the livestream. So this is what – I vowed…

Sean: Of the live show?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That just happened?

Dick: Yes. After Chicago, the livestream of the live show. After Chicago, I vowed to never do…

Sean: I didn’t know who was doing what with that.

Dick: No, because you never – you never do, and all I want anybody to do is make sure the recorded version is good, because they always fuck it up.

Sean: And they fucked it up.

Dick: And they fucked it up this time.

Sean: Despite explicit instructions and nods of understanding and… Yeah.

Dick: Telling them, nodding.

Sean: Totally. Started out fine. Then, for some reason, I dunno. Maybe it wasn’t fine enough. It wasn’t fine enough, so things were obviously turned.

Dick: Which I know never to do. So I vowed to never do another live stream of the live show, just because you can never get it right. You can’t get the camera right. It just looks shitty. But MadCucks showed up with a streaming rig and his camera. He’s like, “I brought this to fix it.” You know how I like to see – I like to see people do their plans. No matter what. I don’t wanna be a naysayer. You know? Nobody wants to be the guy who’s like, “well, that’s not gonna work.” And I’ll tell you why, because then they make fun of you forever. Then it’s something that’s successful, then they’re like, “This guy, Dick Masteron, says I couldn’t do this, and then I did it. Everybody turn all your insecurities on him, and look at how stupid he is, even though, usually, he’s right.

Sean: Yes, that’s the other thing.

Dick: So MadCucks set it up. I said, “Where’s the audio gonna come from?” He’s like, “Oh, thing’s got a camera.” I said uh oh. These little webcams are very sensitive. They sound like shit even in this room. But, it is fun to have the livestream and hang out. Unfortunately, all the comments on every livestream are just, “Audio sucks, audio sucks, audio sucks.” Sorry. We can’t do it. We don’t have the budget. I think this one was another loss leader to be quite honest, but it’s fun.

Sean: It is fun.

Dick: Alright, one more.

Caller #7: Hey Dick, great show last night. I was the guy who had double doors as a rage. My rage really, is that there’s 2 of them, is that the fact that, no matter how many there are, everybody only ever uses one of them anyway. Like, yesterday at the venue, I’m pretty sure there was just one door that was used for the whole night. It could be 3, 4, or 20-million doors, but nobody ever uses the other one. You know? Thanks to the guys in the dick suits for the free beer. Go fuck yourself.

Dick: That is true. We invented the double door, but we haven’t mastered being able to use it.

Kian: Yeah. You actually made a comment about that when we went to brunch the next day. I had forgotten that this guy made that rage. You were making the comment, I was like, “Dick, whatever. I don’t see why that’s funny.”

Dick: Yeah, because he was right. He was like, “Oh yeah, this one opens, and this one’s like a wall that looks like a door, but it’s fake.

Kian: Some chick thing. A woman decided it would look nice, I’m sure.

Dick: It’s a great idea. Doesn’t work in practice. We can’t wrap our heads around it. It’s too confusing. Um, alright, that’s the end.