Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Mumkey Jones, Kevin from Thought Cops
Transcription by /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Dick: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick! You got it! It’s the show where everything’s a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I’m your host, Dick Masterson, the $20-million-dollar man. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. With me as always is Sean!... the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? Joining us because I answer emails drunk sometimes is Kevin from Thought Police.
Kevin: Thought cops! 2 different podcasts!
Dick: God damnit! I asked you before and I made a note in my mind to say it properly. It’s The Thought Cops because somehow they’re dirtier than the thought police.
Kevin: We get dirty.
Dick: I feel like the thought police are there to protect and serve. The thought cops are like, “Oh, these cocksuckers again.” Open to bribes. Open to thought bribers. Open to compliments. That’s what the thought tops take. This is a podcast you have with Mant Grooney?
Kevin: Yeah, Grant Mooney, that’s right.
Dick: Grant Mooney, I fucked that one up too. And you can get it at where, thoughtcops.com?
Kevin: Thoughtcops.net, i-Tunes, Google Play.
Dick: .net. Cheap.
Kevin: I know.
Dick: Sounds cheap and shitty.
Kevin: To be fair, a month ago it was thoughtcops.wordpress.com, so we’re moving up.
Dick: Well, thanks for coming.
Kevin: Thanks for having me.
Dick: Kevin, you emailed me, “Hey, I’m gonna be in LA. Thanks for letting Grant come in and plug the show.”
Sean: OH, COME ON! HERE’S MY ADDRESS!
Dick: Oh, you don’t know where I live? JUST GO LOOK AT THE FUCKING LAWSUIT! EVERYTHING IS – Look at my phone! EVERYTHING!
Sean: Come on in!
Dick: Come watch me set up equipment for an hour and curse silently like an old man until I get a magical beer in my hand. Alright Kevin, don’t fuck up my show.
Kevin: Yes sir!
Dick: That’s the only thing I’m gonna ask of you. It’s for your own protection. I don’t want Reddit – I don’t want there to be a new Clegg ever.
Kevin: Oh god no.
Dick: I want everyone to be nice to you.
Kevin: That’d be nice. That’d be nice.
Dick: For your own protection. That’s why I’m saying it. Thanks for coming in. I hope you have a rage prepared.
Kevin: I do, I do.
Dick: God, busy week. Very busy week. I was on Milo again.
Sean: Oh, you were?>
Dick: Yeah, for an hour.
Sean: No kidding!
Dick: Yeah, he had me on for an hour.
Sean: Did you say like 10 words?
Dick: No, it was – you know, it was very strange speaking with Milo, because it’s like he goes on an extended soliloquy, and then I will go on – it’s like an opera, but angry Republicans. Like angry conservatives. That’s how you communicate with him I think. I dunno, but he’s very fun. I like him very much. And he texted me afterwards.
Sean: Oh yeah?
Sean: You’re on a texting basis.
Dick: I’m on a texting basis. And he’s married. We all know how I respect the bonds of matrimony, so you better watch it, whoever’s Milo’s wife is.
Sean: Might give him a ride home.
Dick: That should be out Wednesday. It’s always a throwback going on other shows because because immediately everyone wants to talk about Men Are Better Than Women. It’s like, “In what ways are men better than women?” And I’m like fuck, I gotta really – I know I used to have patter for this.
Sean: A little blast from the past.
Dick: Yeah. 10 years ago today, in fact.
Dick: Yeah. It was published.
Sean: No kidding.
Dick: Men Are Better Than Women was published 10 years ago.
Dick: Today. April 8th. It’s this Sunday. So I think I’m gonna slap Not Safe For Women up today for pre-order. I’ll probably get that ready in maybe 2 months. 2 or 3. Mr. Fancypants sent me a logo for the cover.
Sean: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah. You know, Mr. Fancypants is a great. He does great design work. He designed the original cover. So now I’m very excited to get it up and get it out there. I think I have NotSafeForWomen.com, not .net, because…
Sean: It’s classy.
Dick: Yeah. Maybe one day you’ll get a .com of your own.
Kevin: I hope to have a .fun actually.
Dick: Should get a .fun.
Sean:Asterios has a…
Sean: I think he has the market cornered on .fun domains.
Dick: Let’s see, that happened. 80’s girl was assaulted. Did you know about that?
Dick: But I guess technically it’s battery.
Sean: You know, I’m so confused about that.
Dick: Here is what I’ve learned. Here’s what I’ve grokked from it. Assault can be like if you’re yelling at somebody, like SEAN! YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS HERE ON TIME!!! But threatening in a way.
Sean: Assault is the fear that’s induced from…
Dick: Yeah. And battery is if you contact them period.
Dick: Yeah. Like, shoving, toughing, throwing something on someone, spitting on – for the very simple reason that these are crimes, because if they weren’t, everyone would go around doing them all day.
Sean: Oh yeah.
Dick: Everyone you ran into, slight disagreement, you just start spitting on them, throwing drinks at them, throwing – we grow out of this. You watch children on a playground trying to box each other out, you know. A child will never just rare back and punch another kid like Mike Tyson. Like Little Mac in Punch Out. You never go like, “Wob, wob, wob,” and then they nail ‘em. That’s rare. What’s much more common is for them to get the thing, and just start throwing secret elbows. That’s violence. There’s this weird shortcut in the mind where we’re like, “I wanna fuck with this person, but I can’t fucking start punch, like, “Wob, wob, wob,” take ‘em out, but I am okay with just giving them a little – which makes no fucking sense because it’s the same. Right? “I’m gonna fucking hammer this – I’m gonna start hammering this guy until I can get a nice old fashion – I’m gonna start setting up the circumstances where I’m the victim. Where I’m the fucking victim. I’ll get into that later.
Sean: Yeah it’s a little foreplay.
Dick: It’s so upsetting. It’s so upsetting, and I’m jealous because it never happens to me. No one ever takes a swing at ‘ol Dick Masterson.
Sean: Except for like a gaggle of moms.
Dick: That’s true. That’s true… That’s true. I’m no stranger to people camping out, outside of where I am, and then launching at me. Anyway, we’ll get to that. I’ll tell you what makes me a rage this week. Backpage has been confiscated by the FBI. Did you know about that?
Sean: I did not.
Dick: You know what Backpage is?
Sean: I do not.
Dick: A website where you can go to buy hand jobs. No big deal.
Kevin. Oh. Rest in peace.
Dick: It’s gone.
Sean: Should have been handjobs.net or something.
Dick: You know, there’s a rub map.
Kevin: What is that, a rub maps?
Dick: Yeah, there’s an app called Rub Maps. It’s like Yelp for getting jerked off.
Sean: It’s just handjobs only?
Dick: Well yeah.
Sean: And what’s this site?
Dick: Well yeah, because there’s a difference! You know… A classy gentleman can go get jerked off for fifty bucks at a massage parlor. That’s much different than hiring a prostitute. So yes, it’s only – it’s hand jobs. I’m sure that you can start bartering once you get in the door, but it’s designed for – and the best part about it, I discovered this on a bachelor party. One of the groom’s friends – we’re all sitting around talking about guns or something – loading guns. One of the groom’s friends goes, “Well, I gotta go get a hand job.” Like okay, what are you talking about? He loads up his rub maps, scoots around, checks out the reviews like Yelp. We’re in San Diego, he’d never been there before. “Alright, this is the one.” He leaves, he comes back grinning like the Cheshire Cat. He had a thick Bulgarian accent, he was like, “I like it, very good.”
Sean: I just need a handy.
Dick: You’re going through – you read the reviews, and these people all have a secret code for everything, like CCBBG’s. The CBGB’s were incredible. Talk to Enika about the BBY experience. Like what the fuck, I dunno – it’s like a whole subculture extinguished. It’s gone. Because it’s not illegal, or a felony, federal crime or whatever to post ads or allow ads to be posted advertising prostitution of any kind. For the kids. It’s for the children.
Sean: Of course. Everything’s for the children.
Dick: Yeah . It’s for the children. That’s why we can’t have the simple service of buying a hand job anymore. This is the – it is America’s long courtship of a woman that doesn’t exist, where we are constantly sacrificing shit top this woman in hopes that she will fuck us! It’s the woman, Lady Liberty, that stands a torch up into the air, we’re just constantly trying to get her to jump off of her stand and jerk us all off by white knighting and virtue signaling like, “Oh, m’lady, don’t worry! This is how much we respect women! We’re not letting themselves sell their bodies anymore. Will that do it for you?” Every year we worship the altar of this woman who is never going to fuck us. Ever! She’s never gonna get her iron ass off of that pedestal and put out! Period!
Dick: But we still – copper ass off of that stand and put out. Never will she put out! And all of congress, our entire country, is treating – is acting like one day we’re going to figure out the magical law that’s gonna cause her to suck our collective Dicks. Fucking sucks.
Sean: I guarantee you, that whole concept you just put forth has never been put forth before.
Dick: Because it’s so fucking obvious when you look at how these guys talk about protecting women and stopping human trafficking. It’s like, who the fuck are you trying to impress? You’re clearly trying to impress some mythical beta Beatrix woman that you desperately want, that will fill some – because none of it makes any sense. None of it makes any sense. The – here’s the quotes form the cops in charge of human trafficking. “When back page was running adult ads, we used it to get tips, but that has dropped off. It makes it more complicated for us to figure out what’s going on.”
Sean: Now we just use it to get handies.
Dick: Yeah. Now we – oh, what do you do now to look for underage sex workers? “I dunno. Just kinda walk around and keep our fingers crossed.” What’d you do before? “Just sit at a desk.” Oh wow. And you could just have everyone sit at a desk and look at the one fucking place that it all went through? “Yeah, pretty much.” Why would we want that?” Hey I got an idea, let’s devote a bunch of resources to putting together a database of these sex workers and child traffickers so we can stop them.” Okay, how do we get there? “Well we gotta shut down the giant database of sex workers and child traffickers first, then we’ll build our own. Don’t worry, we have to pay for all the people building it, and it’ll take forever.”
Sean: But it’s not our money.
Dick: “But you understand this is for that giant copper woman to come off her pedestal and fuck – if we do this, she’ll fuck us! Fever dreams of this giant statue coming to life.
Sean: This has gotten weird quickly.
Dick: Yeah. It’s so aggravating to me that prostitution is not allowed period, and that we’re shutting down – the way we – life finds a way, right? Life will find – you know, guys will find a way to pay for sex.
Dick: I Never thought I would see the day when Backpage was confiscated by the FBI well and the guys how’s the owner of Backpage was?
S; How long is it been online?
Dick: I don’t know long to it used to be just a stupid classified site. It looks like garbage so probably long time.
Sean: Why uprated if it serves the purpose you know who cares what it looks like or whatever as long as it functions right?
Dick: Yeah, as long as you can get your fucking hand job off of it, who cares? It’s worrisome to me. I don’t know why. 90% of the site’s income was attributed to adult ads. So there you go. Made me a rage. We need like I think we need some kind of national jiggolo day. Right? just sell services. every man in America sells his hand job services. I’ll go 1,000,000 bucks. Cost you a million bucks to get a hand job. That’s an ad, isn’t it? That’s an ad for prostitution, but it’s just it’s but that doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. But it’s like that guys fucking around, because it’s a guy, and Lady Liberty doesn’t care if we defend men, it’s just these broads that we gotta defend. that’s not gonna make her get off and fuck us. It doesn’t make any sense to Maine. We have no problem. Not renting cars to people who are under 25. and they wanna drive. We had, we built this whole system to verify ages. If only work if only it were legal for prostitutes just operate and use that system.
Kevin: we’ve gotta use captcha. Just use captcha code so it’ll solve everything.
Dick: Yeah. Hebe ‘em Fill out the app right in front of them. I dunno. That made me a rage this week. I tell you what else made me a rage this week. What color? What color is - you guys close your eyes. everybody in the room close your eyes OK? When blood – you close your eyes too Sean, you cheating asshole. When blood is in your body, Raise your hand if you think it’s blue. Nobody?! it’s red right?
Sean: believe so
Dick: OK. I was busting 80’s girl’s chops last weekend. We immediately stopped the show and went camping. We did. We did some edibles and sat around talking about stupid shit.?
Sean: blue blood. Octopus have blue blood.
Dick: Yes, she lets it - She lets it rip that she thinks blood is blue in your body.
Kevin: I’ve heard that rumor.
Sean: yeah, because it whether it’s oxygenated or not.
Dick: yeah. That’s what I heard man. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to hammer you with this. We’re gonna go back to my parents’ house tomorrow, and we’re gonna have a nice Easter dinner, and then I’m gonna do this fun experiment around the table. Thinking I was really, really gonna get to do some mansplaining. I do the same thing - had everybody sit around and close their eyes. “Alright, raise your hand raise your hand - Hey everybody raise your hand if you think it’s blue thinking that I would get the same reaction and nobody would raise their hand. fucking everyone in my family throws their hands up. I say, “Are you guys - what the fuck Are you guys talking about? Blue - everyone of you think that blood is blue? Have you ever seen blue blood? And like, “well you know, it’s blue until it hits oxygen. And then it’s red.” What about when it’s in the tube? There’s no oxygen in there! “Well. I don’t know. If It’s outside of your body. like it’s fucking - so little Irishman comes out, I’m like, oh, thank God. A, What color is your blood?” And he goes, “red, out of your body it’s blue.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING?!?!
Sean: Maybe he’s dyslexic.
Dick: I had a 10 minute argument with this kid over whether not blood is blue or not.
Sean: come here. Let me - give me that knife. Let me show you.
Dick: What are you doing to this poor kid? It’s always red!
Sean: So He thinks outside it’s blue? Very interesting.
Dick: Yes! Because his idiot family teaches him this shit. I gotta put up a pole something.
Sean: Yeah, I don’t know if it’s because you know you look through your skin and you see that you see the veins or whatever and you’re like that must be - people think they are clear tubes or something and your…
Dick: Who the FUCK - who the fuck knows? every time you see it on TV: Red. Always. the little things, the little cells in your body: red.
Sean: Yeah, um, yeah, you know.
Dick: spilling all over the place, not a touch of Blue. Not even a hint of Blue. nowhere is it blue. it blew my mind. I’m surrounded by people who think there’s a bunch of Blue Kool Aid floating around in your body that magically hypercolors into red the second leaves it. What the hell else do you people think?
Sean: Yeah, blame the schools.
Dick: The kid didn’t learn it from school, he learned from home? That’s what made me worried about it.
Sean: homeschools doubly bad then.
Dick: Yeah. I don’t know. that human trafficking bothers me.
Sean: Where’s the term “Blue Bloods” come from?
Dick: because your - your veins are blue because of the way the skin refracts light, so people who didn’t have to work in the field like rich people would have very fair skin because they are never outside, so you can see the blue.
Sean: That’s fucking awesome that you know that.
Dick: and because they are rich, they would have a lot of things made out of silver. a lot of their flatware would be made out of silver, so they would ingest so much silver that their skin would get that Smurf thing where your skin would turn slighty blue. They Did it several things that made them look blue.
Sean: No shit. are you just fucking around with that last part?
Dick: No! it’s true. it’s not as true as the veins thing.
Kevin: The Smurf thing that we all know.
Dick: The Smurf thing that we all know. Did you ever see that guy?
Sean: Yeah, I’ve seen that guy, where he took supplements of – you haven’t seen it?
Kevin: No, I haven’t seen it.
Sean: Yeah. He’s literally a dark blue.
Sean: Because he ingested - is it silver or was it something else? He was taking silver is like a supplement.
Dick: yeah, he thought it would be like - he thought it was healthy.
Kevin: you could buy it at Walgreens right? Like silver supplements?
Sean: He’s like a bearded guy. He’s been gobbling the shit for like 20 years
Kevin: Papa Smurf.
Sean: He’s like a blueish purple.
Dick: Permanently blue and purple, and then he still says like, “Well, you know at least the health benefits of the silver that I’ve been eating are –“ But there’s no health benefits obviously, because he’s a fucking idiot. There was a this - there was this athlete in the thirties that used to say the same shit about radium.
Sean: Oh yeah!
Dick: The golfer.
Sean: Yeah, that’s right he poisoned himself.
Dick: his jaw fell off.
Sean: and also the – they called it Phossy Jaw.
Dick: Was his name fossy?
Sean: No, phosphorous.
Dick: Phosphorus jaw?
Sean: Because the radium girls, look up the radium girls. they were in the thirties - they were watch painters, and I guess white phosphorus like iridescent they would paint the watch styles with white phosphorus and they would hold the brushes like in their mouth is something. anyway they ingested a bunch of them, you know they're jaws basically… yeah it's terrible. and they could have just use red phosphorus which is not Radioactive
Dick: they could have put the brushes on the table too.
Sean: it wasn't quite as stupid as a making it but it was still you know.
Dick: it's funny. The other guy is funnier. like you idiot you think you figured this out do you think you know something that everybody else doesn't know?
Sean: yeah he swore by it.
Dick: we need that to cut down on the crazy. We need something that they figure it out on their own.
Sean: that they think they figure it out on their own.
Dick: yes. like something I don't know what it is but it's got to be like you know and God bless us but all of us manage to stick together and not tell children that Santa spoiler alert is real right you know what I'm saying?
Sean: you might want to take the earbuds out of your five year olds head listening to the dick show.
Dick: but somehow we did that like even on TV - TV doesn't even fuck it up. they'll always at the end it's like oh yeah Santa was real because I'll be like oh Dad thanks for this. He’ll be like I didn't get that.
Sean: you know what TV is converting adults.
Dick: into believing in Santa Claus?
Sean: yeah if anything it's going that way.
Dick: Sean that's probably real that's coming there's going to be a significant amount of adults that believe in Santa.
Kevin: you're so right about that that's going to happen in 2019.
Dick: Yeah like those people that sing Sherlock Holmes is a real guy.
Sean: yeah he was the lead investigator on the Jack the Ripper cases.
Dick: yeah right. we got to do that - something where people can think they have something figured out, and it's like they figured it out. because otherwise they're just going to figure out stupid shit. otherwise they start finding out that vaccines cause autism. we got to give ‘em something good to figure out and I don't know what it is. We've got to make A Lost Civilization or something. there needs to be a bureau in charge of that like Planet X. Men member that shit? remember when we were kids and they were like scientists are about to discover Planet X?
Sean: like Atlantis but with more snazzy sounding facts, you know to get people pulled in.
Dick: otherwise they just make shit up like Flat Earth. well I need to have discovered something.
Kevin: I have a quick recommendation. look up on Twitter there is a Homer Simpson theme flat earther account, and it's run entirely in complete sincerity, and this guy just does nothing of these shitty memes but posting flat earth stuff, and it's just like Simpsons screenshots with word bubbles of Homer explaining that the Earth is flat to Moe or Bart or something like that.
Dick: man I love Flat Earth stuff.
Sean: how do they react?
Kevin: it's weird. the post get almost no response the guy just puts out stuff like every 5 minutes. he doesn't sleep.
Sean: it's probably his two great loves The Simpsons and the flat-earth community.
Kevin: together at last.
Dick: Kimball's got a good video about Flat Earth where it goes around trying to get people to argue that the Earth is round but not a single one can.
Sean: I guess most people can't name any specific points that would lead one to believe that the Earth is round.
Dick: that's what makes it so fun. alright let me see what else I got here before I get into this fucking story. 20% of students are using their financial aid to buy cryptocurrency.
Sean: maybe not that stupid.
Dick: but we paid for it shine so the 15 billion that we're giving over to these kids every year they are immediately going and dumping it into cryptocurrency as an investment at 19, 20.
Sean: like I said, smart. you use someone else's money everyone knows that. you don't use your own money.
Dick: you don't use your own money to buy crypto.
Sean: these kids are learning something.
Dick: I mean I don't even understand how these kids…
Sean: give them the benefit of the doubt.
Dick: there's no concept of money for them to understand. like if they're blowing financial aid on money that is not real that has no value. Using money that - based on credit that will never expire that they're going to be paying for the rest of their lives, what is the concept of money to them? it's worth noting there's nothing they could hold anymore it's just numbers shifting one way or the other and who knows what makes them go up or down there's no Rhyme or Reason any of it. it's stupid. That Backpage thing really pissed me off, because it's like - it kind of like ties in with that YouTube shooter did you see her? last week, it was probably old news. as soon as that dropped - as soon as her motives became about the demonetization and stuff, I was like oh yeah, I get it.
Sean: did that surprise you at all?
Sean: no, not a bit. I was talking to some people at work about that. I said that appears to be a motive I'm not saying that's just cause, I'm saying that's completely understandable. fucking up somebody's livelihood there in such a hurry to demonetize things, and anything that could be mildly controversial - I don't know in her case exactly what happened but I couldn't be less surprised.
Dick: no shit you idiots. you've made it a significant part of your business model to just shut people down. what did you think was going to happen?
Sean: there's always a percentage of people who can snap.
Dick: yeah you remember the shots of old labor unions and strike buster's? you see in these grainy photos like hard men beating the hell out of each other. Okay, that happened because they were not allowed to work. they weren't allowed to like serve what they saw is the function of themselves. what do you think's going to fucking happen when you start doing that on a massive Global cybernetic scale? you're fucking asking for it. How much did you save? How much money did you save demonetizing these people? 4 bucks? This is worth it to you guys? You fucking dummies. You keep silencing people more and more is labor becomes non-essential - as human labor becomes non-essential, I'm tired this since going to be about expression and entertainment. self-expression that's it. If you have nothing to do all day what do you do? Either consume entertainment or you're making it. right? Probably some hybrid of the two. So somebody comes along and says you know that's - you're not doing it anymore. You're not participating in what you see is your core function. they're going to fucking explode because of what else do they have? What the hell else do they have?
Sean: didn't surprise me one bit.
Dick: and I also noticed that it was suddenly gone. Not only was it suddenly gone but all of our accounts were deleted, all of that chicks accounts were deleted.
Kevin: she did a bunch of vegan videos or something on YouTube. Like these bizarre Tim and Eric style sketches about veganism or something. I think they were flagged for lewd content or something and that's what triggered what she did.
Dick: lewd for who?
Kevin: The kids.
Dick: Imaginary people. The kids who can't Presley yes I'm over 18 button. they're all done for the imaginary woman. They're all done to get Lady Liberty to come off the podium and give everybody a hand job. That's it. All of it. And every other reason is a lie. Like advertisers are going to boycott if we don't do this. How? How the fuck are they going to advertise then? What are they going to staple pictures of the all new Buick to telephone poles in your neighborhood? They're going to boycott YouTube? Are you fucking stupid? Nobody believes that shit. : Well we've got no choice. We've got to randomly turn these people into fucking lunatics.” The idea that a global I have mine mind control machine doesn't know this. like the ignorance defense of YouTube saying, “ well you know, how are we supposed to know?” because you know everything that's why. Because you're able to Target ads to me over shit that I'm thinking that's how. Like I have a conversation in my car about needing new shoes, then I come home and I see a Zappos coupon for $3. That's how. you guys can claim ignorance. You know more about us than we do. you don't have 50 psychologist on staff? You don't have the most perfectly orwellian crafted memos of doublespeak and confusion to keep everybody as passive as possible? You're not running a fucking Colt? Like you don't have Employment Practices that essentially established like a God damn cold and Silicon Valley? You're not literally controlling people's minds and this is a surprise to you? How fucking dare you treat us like we're that stupid? You did it. You guys fucking did it, and every time you fuck with somebody you do something - you are doing something that could cause something exactly like this to all of the people who have been banned for inciting violence, like me, Bunty, all these normal guys that get hit for inciting violence, YouTube is the only one who is actually incited violence.
Dick: so their account spelled picking though by the way. I don't know, it does make me your age though. That whole YouTube shooting, it just all disappeared after that. You know not that I agree with it, yeah no shit. but they did it they're not - that's not victim-blaming to say that the biggest company in the world that's like a technocracy that has complete control over everyone's life is not responsible for this shit, because they're the ones that are fucking doing it. They built the marketplace and now they're abusing… what makes you a rage Kevin?
Kevin: Snow in April. So I'm from Chicago, I just flew in yesterday, and on Thursday it was fucking snowing.
Kevin: In Chicago. Snow in April.
Sean: Yeah, it's late.
Kevin: I mean the beginning of Spring was March 20th I want to say. And it's like I know shit's fucked up now, everything's delayed, everything's early. We have somewhere in October but still, waking up on Thursday morning to a pile of snow on my car in April, I can't fucking believe that. I can't believe I'm going to be in LA in a little bit in a week, but that was just un-fucking real.
Dick: I'm so fucking jealous of the snow. I've never had snow.
Kevin: Don't be, it sucks.
Dick: The Endless Summer here it starts to feel like the weather is just a static noise, like an eternity of blue sky and 70 degree weather. And it just drives people in LA in the same. Like you feel like you're stuck in a Time Loop like a Groundhog's Day where every day you wake up and look outside, and you're like, “ is it the same fucking day, because there's nothing different outside?” I feel like it has a subtle effect of the minds of people in LA and that drive us fucking crazy.
Kevin: I can see that for sure.
Dick: You guys don't know how good you have it with your antifreeze and snow plows.
Kevin: when we do get a 70 degree day I appreciate the hell out of it. I go outside, but then 2 days later it snows.
Dick: what do you do when it snows, do you build a snowman?
Kevin: I stay inside. I'll do that next month when it snows. but typically snow stops being fun when you start to drive a car, because then you have to wake up earlier, you have to turn your car on, defrost it, shovel snow off the windshield, and a low and behold your late to work.
Dick: Can people drive in the snow where you are? Is that just an LA thing?
Kevin: what we're used to it.
Sean: well they prepare the roads and everything.
Kevin: yeah well there are some days where - like there was big snow fall back in January but I couldn't get out of my parking spot for about an hour. it's brutal.
Dick: we never have snow days here.
Kevin: Oh those were nice. Like once or twice a year, extra day off school.
Dick: That's the Aman The Simpsons and always get very jealous. Then we started having bomb threat days, that was kind of cool. And every kid would be lying if they weren't like, “ yes whoever did that God bless you.” Yeah, yeah. I always hope that they’re not just mentally deranged person. Maybe it’s just a prank. Snowing snowing April, huh? When my sister live in Indiana, I think the snow is fun for them for about 10 minutes. Then she said it gets really old, being trapped in a house with someone else.
Sean: Fun when you’re a kid.
Kevin: exactly. exactly.
Dick: The kids love it, but then you’re stuck in a tomb. You’re stuck in an Egyptian tomb with your family.
Sean: With the walls closing in. Just wanting to be away form these people, but you’re not mobile.
Kevin: And not to mention, it’s all pretty and shit when it starts to fall and hit the ground first. But after a week or 2 it, You get all the sludge in the side of the road from traffic, it’s just plain ugly as fuck.
Dick: Alright, I’m gonna play a song. I haven’t played enough. This one is called The Lolicon, by Hard Men Working Hard, by The Dick Show Album people.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: This is what Lakembra wanted me to play? This is revolting.
(Dick ends the song)
Dick: Alright, alright alright, I can’t – it’s too uncomfortable to even hear it referenced again.
Sean: Lakemba using his very ample powers for evil.
Dick: Oh my goodness. Well alright, I'll put it on the website later. let me see if I got anything else, then I'll tell that story about 80s girl. I'm very upset about it obviously. Try to make light of it but whatever. You know, I did fuck up this week. I posted on - I'm rarely on Facebook, and whenever I am it's only on the Dick show group. So you fall into the Trap and just thinking that everything on Facebook is from the group, or from the dick show group.
Sean: so your comments are like a level 10 to everybody in the group?
Dick: And I rarely comment on the group, but this week - sometimes I'll go on and see a post from someone who I'm an acquaintance with but don't know very well…
Sean: go fuck your mother!
Dick: But it'll just be from somebody and know, and like that somebody from the dick show group? And they're not in the group, whoops my bad..
Sean: a world exist outside.
Dick: so that happened this week, but I decided to interact with it. Jamie posted something about black jelly beans. like she posted something about jelly beans but fuck the black ones. so I thought I was being real clever right?
Sean: are the black ones licorice?
Dick: yeah they're licorice-flavored. I said to myself, “ this will be real funny right. This will be really expect some debate in my group.” I posted a comment on her picture of - and then to her Jellybean picture, I was reading down and there were a bunch of chicks who said, “ oh, I love the black ones. I love the black jelly beans.” Right? So I posted a comment, “ I heard that chicks are like jelly beans give the best head.” And then I commented to that a little arrow sticking up, planting my flag in it go and check that out right? So then I closed the window and then take three steps away from the computer, then I'm like, the series of preceding comments before mine started flashing through my mind, and it was like the woman who said “I like a jelly beans.” she was like 50 something. and the other woman her profile picture was like her family, not a weird Shin-chan reference. Fuck! so I go to my computer and sure enough I scroll up to the post, Jamie Lynn he was, and I'm looking for the posted to the dick show group. Not there. delete, delete, delete, delete! As I do listen getting a message from her going, “ HAHAHAHA, what the fuck?!” Whoops. There you go. Okay, I'll tell you what happened to 80s girl. We went out to - we went out to the Seven Grand with Kian and Kian, The Mega Powers.
Sean: Kian and Kian?
Dick: Kian and Kian. Because Kian Magana, and Randy Kian. the lawyer in the manager. They're The Mega Powers of Kian and Kian. that's what they do. They go out together being The Mega Powers, the dynamite Duo right? Was going out to have a nice night, it is girl gets all dressed up. She's got a new Romper that she wants to show off. It's her spring break right, so she's been relaxing all week. These teachers, they get vacations like nobody else. Like you and me and the rest of everybody in the world, we've got to work everyday. We don't dislike get Summers off or a spring breaks that are mandatory. You can't go to work if you want to because the kids aren't there. you don't have to worry about some asshole that you work with showing you up by not taking a vacation.
Sean: They get snow days in the tropics.
Dick: You don't want to go into work, just call in a bomb threat. You think you can do that working for you to? No, check comes in with a rifle you're going back to work the next day. They might hire you a grieving counselor, but motherfuker you're going to work all day Demonetizing content and censoring gun videos. That's a good job. Teachers, one little bump written they're out. Take a fucking vacation. Right? I'm just saying, she had the whole week off. You know, what the kids are done learning? They don't need to learn this week? Minot next week then? Anyway. She got this new Romper that she wanted to show off. Looked amazing. Do you know what a romper is? It's like a half dress with shorts, but it's built so it always pulls up in the back.
Kevin: They're making those for men now too.
Dick: What the hell are you talking about? Rompers for men?
Kevin: They're for everybody now. I mean this stylized for guys, you know? It's masculine.
Dick: Like a Borat kind of thing?
Kevin: I think there are some like that, yeah.
Dick: Bret the Hitman Hart kind of romper. Is that a romper is that a unitard? Alright anyway, she's got a new Romper, she's doing her hair. I'm putting on my nice shoes for real Sean. I'm not wearing sandals and saying. We're going to have a nice night it, no issues, just relax.
Sean: the Seven Grand, that's a whiskey bar isn't it?
Dick: Yeah. It's an expensive one at that. We go to the Seven Grand hanging out with Kian and Kian for a little bit. We had to the bathroom, both of us said to the bathroom. I was quite a bit ahead because I really had to go. I go to the bathroom, I come out. 80s girls standing there I'm like, “ what's going on?” She says they're talking about you, they're talking about the lawsuit. that guy in the gorilla talking about the last suit. I said, “ oh, cool.” That's neat, I like being in real life, and countering people who are talking about the show or whatever.
Sean: Yeah, because that does happen to you occasionally.
Dick: Yeah, and that's always fun. It doesn't happen a lot but it's always fun. This usually like a little wink of everything's under control. Like a bartender will be like, “ I recognize your voice while you're ranting to someone you're with.” I was excited at first. I was like, “ what did you say, you're talking about the lawsuit?” And she said, she says to me, it is girl says, “yeah. when you were in the bathroom that girl said it's fucking dick, using my real name of course. That fucked is in the bathroom.” Then I said, so it's one of these. Alright well I'm no stranger to those either. I've been slapped a couple times. I've been recognized. I was in Vegas walking with a friend of mine who was wearing Lederhosen at the time. I was wearing a white suit like a jackass for some reason. She passed me by, recognize me, walk back the other way a little bit later, came out of nowhere and smack the shit out of me and bent my aviators.
Sean: The fact that people think they can just do that, and that women think they can just do that.
Dick: You know, I'm going to stop right here and tell you that you don't know how right you are and how infuriating it is that women women will melt down and have violent Tantrums constantly and get away with it. fucking constantly. Every fucking night, probably 10% of them do it. 10% of the women in the country are just immune to battery laws, because so fucking many of them do it. If men didn't pay taxes at the same rate that women ignore assault and battery laws, no taxes would exist because you can't enforce it to that degree.
Sean: It's happened in my extended family. Chicks go fucking psycho.
Dick: Wham wham wham, done to cool off, and we all just let it go because collectively all of society and knows how batshit insane and overwhelming amount of women are. And I say this on the 10-year anniversary of men are better than women. The entire point of that book - the entire fucking point of men are better than women the book is to say that all women are for one simple reason - if you say that 99% of women are like this, 100% will say I'm that 1%. So the only fucking way to get anybody to own up to it is to say you know what it's 100%. It's 100% of you do this. And whatever it is the 20%, the 30%, the 80% of anybody who has their heads on straight we'll go, I know he's not talking about me. but the ones who are fucked will say, “ where's my out. You didn't give me an out. Where's my 1%?” Wrong bitch, a hundred percent. Well I'm going fucking ballistic then, you can't say that shit. Yeah because if I had given you the tiniest out you would seize on to it like a fucking life raft because You're so fucking deranged. They do it every weekend. Every fucking weekend, chicks that are in altercations that bars across America, maybe across the world, lose their God damn Minds to no consequence at all.
Sean: I've seen it plenty of times. I think you and me of seeing it.
Dick: Sean, we probably been a victim of it.
Sean: I don't think I've been hit by a stranger.
Dick: I have many fucking times, for the soul and fraction of speaking to them. Not in an aggressive way. I'm not an aggressive guy, because I will never hit you. I will talk shit, I will make fun of you for embarrassing yourself in public because I think you should be ashamed of yourself, but surprise surprise, that's not an act of violence, that's not aggression, that's not harassment. It's just fucking talking to somebody like a human.
Kevin: What was the terminology earlier with assault and battery though? Didn't you say that the idea of words was a salt wasn't it?
Sean: well if you cause them to feel fear.
Dick: Like this, that's assault. making them afraid of physical violence as a crime, you can't do it. You can't do it or else everyone would be going around like thiSean: oh you're fine with me huh? Huh? Huh?
Kevin: we should all just walk around like that.
Dick: yeah because it would be legal. So everyone would fucking do it! I'd like 15% off. I'd like this car. “ Well I'm afraid I can't do that.” I guess I have no fucking recourse.
Kevin: They have the right to do that back.
Dick: That's not what we want! We don't want a society, huh? Huh?
Kevin: it's an alternate universe that could exist. Does it play out, I don't know.
Dick: people who are not born large suffer in such a fist raising economy. That's why we try to equalize the playing field by removing violence from it.
Sean: It's like the Electoral College I guess. Helps the small states out a little bit.
Dick: Yes because they have things to offer to, You know like feeding America for example. And Battery of courses, you know I think we explain the difference of that. Touch somebody, throw something at somebody, shove them, anything anything. So we go to the bathroom, 80s girls hanging out in the hallway, and she says they're talking about you. “ That fucked is here. He's in the bathroom.” Oh boy, here we fucking go. all right. I'm not a stranger to having people waiting to talk to me anywhere. I've been - the time you're talking about or talked about before, I got into an argument with some Housewives at a California Pizza Kitchen. 2 hours later I completely - because this bitch - I'll tell it on a bonus episode (We’ve all heard this one before) This bitch came over and tried to make fun of my friends. Okay, I'll tell the whole story. Housewife was wearing extremely short shorts, and she had a big fat ass. Like a big thick ass excuse me. And there was a couple of gentlemen at a table who are taking note of the thickness of her ass, commenting on it and chuckling to themselves. Hey what are you supposed to do it's a big thick ass over there. You goddamn right they're going to notice it. They're going to talk about it and then going to laught to each other. And maybe if you were some kind of deranged lunatic, this will look like they're mocking you. Maybe they are kind of mocking you oh, that's okay too, but they're just noticing the extremely inappropriate shorts that you're wearing. Right? That's what's actually happening. So this bitch comes over, big big red-headed bitch. Comes over and starts doing that hip cock shit.
Sean: I know that's a trigger for you.
Dick: I don't like women enjoying themselves.
Sean: too sassy. Having too much fun. Got to end this.
Dick: I know that hurts my fellow man, that they cower in fear of that. But I do not. I see through that hip cock, and to see that you're just making yourself look bigger. You see it's like an animal that has foliage that makes it look larger than it is, when women do with their hands on their hip. It seems like they're very big because what they're doing, but they're still the same size. I understand that.
Sean: It's a threat display.
Dick: Yes exactly.
Dick: No. I mean I don't know. I'm not a law.
Kevin: if that doesn't scare you, I guess it doesn't.
Dick: Assault is like I'm going to kick your fucking ass unless you do this, or something. Maybe Nick can talk about it. So this woman came over and said, “ oh, you guys got something to say?” And of course they're like I'll fuck. All right, I don't want to deal with this bitch. “ Oh yeah, I've had for kids.” she starts laughing her ass, doing the thing with her shorts. and I'm like - I said something relatively innocuous like, “ lady we can see where your kids came from, They're just commenting on the obscenity of your shorts.”
Sean: Yeah, innocuous.
Dick: Yeah, right? I think it was something like that, and nothing really came of it. But then 2 hours later we leave the restaurant, sabores in Valencia, and I'm goofing around with my sister and her husband. They didn't have kids at the time this was a long time ago. And everyone's kind of getting quiet, and I'm just mr. oblivious. And I'm like, “what's going on why are you guys quiet?” then from the left, a murder of these harpies descended upon us. It was the red leader, the red one in big red in the front with this coven of Housewives. And I'm like what the fuck? In my mind I'm thinking but we just leave this restaurant at the same time? No. They have been skulking around waiting for a confrontation. I'll always abide you on that you know. Everyone knows that about me. You get to learn a little bit about yourself. Everybody spend so much time fantasizing about what they would do in situations, that when you get one gifted to you you take advantage of it. I was like okay, will you guys go on to the car I'm just going to talk to these ladies.
Sean: Got to take care of some business.
Dick: I'm going to accept apology from these ladies, which is what I'm sure they're going to offer for spoiling our dinner by starting over like an angry cow and Brandon. Their eyes weren't assaulting you a bitch, you're the one wearing 90s shorts out to a bar while you're fucking married and have four kids at home. This isn't we didn't do this to you, you chose to fucking dress like this. Right? Yeah. So I'm like oh yeah you know. They're talking to me, she's calling me a piece of shit. I'm laughing.
Sean: which enrages her. When you laugh, I'm convinced that's what does it with you. The laughter, because they want to fight. They want to fight, they expect you to come back with the same kind of vitriol and intensity that they brought forth, and when you just laugh they don't know what to do and it melts they're fucking brains.
Dick: I think what you're saying is - I'm also going to add that I think if I came back with that and that it would diffuse the situation. I think that's what they're looking for. They're throwing a tantrum to get a tantrum in return, and when they don't get it the only thing they know how to do is up the Tantrum level, Which is exactly what happened on Friday. So I'm continuing to make fun of these women. She is like - she's saying shit like, “ well my husband's a fireman and when he finds out about this...” your husband knows you go in those shorts? Wow I can't believe that. Jesus, tell him I'm sorry that he's got to deal with you.
Sean: That he's got to get those off at the jaws of life. you know?
Dick: just normal Al Bundy shit, right?
Sean: We can't help it, we were raised on Married With Children
Dick: Because, if I come. I have to tolerate you speaking like this to me. I'm going to have a good time with it you know? So she turns around to her friend, she has like six friends. Well she's doing this I had pulled a shopping cart that I saw. I pulled it over because this was also like a Whole Foods or something like that, a Sprouts. I pulled it over and I'm sitting on it. Just resting, I don't need to stand up you know?
Kevin: That makes it so much worse.
Dick: This doesn't need to be a floor show a. I'm going to sit. I've had a long night of drinking and good times, I'm just going to take a break while you idiots wear yourselves out. Then you're going to go home and you're going to ruin the rest of your husband's life right? I know how this plays out. I'll take a seat. So big red turns to her friends and says I'm going to hit him. I'm going to hit him. I'm going to hit him. And I'm like oh wow this is getting much funnier. So her friends - one of her friends is like - they're doing the standard oh no you shouldn't do that, it's not worth it. He's not worth it. They all just kept saying he's not worth it. And I said.
Sean: what would make it worth it?
Dick: Yeah. It was something like that. Yeah I think I'm worth it, or something like that. If I was wearing those shorts I'd be worth it or has something like that. And she spins around and kicks - she tries to kick me.
Kevin: shoryuken from Street Fighter.
Dick: Yes, like Ryu. he does a spin around across the parking lot. But it's just some thick like fucking housewife. Like she's probably never kicked - I don't know what she's thinking. This is the - the thing with these chicks is that they get in their mind that their cage fighters all of a sudden. This is the ultimate woman to me. Out of nowhere she decides that she can fight a fully grown man over her shorts With Advanced kicking moves. I'm like okay, I guess we're in a kitten fight now. So she kicks me. Have you ever been kicked before?
Kevin: I mean I used to do martial arts in high school, but never at a fucking grocery store.
Dick: When you did martial arts in High School, do you remember how hard it is to kick someone? Like when you're learning kicks you got to get your leg all up and it's like - I could punch, but getting a kick I get that it's strong, but it's a very stretchy.
Kevin: She had her legs free in those shorts, you know? Lot of flexibility.
Dick: So she kicks me and it's like this fucking weird luge - half of her is trying to kick open a meth lab and the other half is just trying to do a knee move. And she totally fucked it up. She kicks me and it glances off my stomach, and she gets caught in the shopping cart. So she kicks and kind of misses, and catches our toe in the where I was sitting part. So it catches there and I'm like, “ okay I've had enough fun, because if the cops get called I'm going to jail.” I know that because I'm the man, And all of a society knows that most women are fucking stupid. All of our traditions and laws keep that in mind. Cops show up you got to rest a guy. Why? Well you know, because he should have known better than to do - because we're trying to get the big woman off the platform the fuck US, right? That's why. We've got a fucking keep her happy at all times. So she gets her leg cut, and I hop off the shopping cart. The shopping cart immediately tips over and lands on top of her like a bunny in the wild - a fat ass bunny in the wild just got caught in a trap. Like it's on top of her, her other leg is under the car.
Sean: So she kicks the shopping cart over on to herself? She's laying on the fucking Asphalt in the parking lot?
Dick: Screaming. Screaming. And her other friend says, “ get off of her” to me and starts beating me with her…
Sean: you're not on her. The shopping cart is on her.
Dick: Sean! This is all I did.
Kevin: This should be a scene in the new John Wick movie.
Dick: This is like me standing up and do these women beating themselves into a coma using shopping carts. Which they should have more experience with shopping carts and stuff than I do.
Sean: You got to know those wheels are.
Kevin: Always one. You always get the one.
Dick: I'm like Jackie Chan over here throwing shopping carts and coupons, using their own weapons against them.
Sean: Shopping cart Judo.
Dick: So her other friend comes up, “ get off of her!” and starts hammering me with their parents. I'm like okay, you went that formidable when you are pissed off. Just screaming doesn't make you any stronger. I'm just kind of blocking it, plus I'm drunk so I'm like numb. I wouldn't feel it if a man was doing it. And she hits me, and her camera goes spilling out onto the ground. I'm like oh that sucks. This will be great. So I grabbed the camera, and I take off. “ Alright see you bitch. Ayy, I got your camera!” the most fucking infuriating thing you can do. So then I remember I'm there with my sister and her boyfriend at the time. They weren't married yet. So I run over there and I'm like, “ guys, hey, check it out. That chick lost her camera beating me with it. I got it. Let's get out of here. There's got to be something funny in here right?” You know I just found it on the ground. Right? I don't know who it belongs to. So she runs over - so we went over to my sister and her boyfriend and they're sitting over there in the back of the truck, and I say “check out what I got let's get out of here,” and they're just kind of staring ahead, and I'm like did I die? Am I a ghost? What the fucked going on, let's get out. Look at what I got. This is a hilarious trophy, I can keep this forever about what just happened And the fucking deserve it. but they never responded. I was very confused by it. So finally the little blind runs her little ass over. I'm like all right, this is your camera. Maybe it's not funny. I try to look for context clues around me to see if what I do is funny, Because otherwise you never stop right? It's always funny. But the emotion of funny and cruel are the same. There's a very fine line that I don't know where it is. And other people seem together, so I look for them and think is this funny or cruel? I'm thinking cruel by the way you’re - alright, whatever. Here's your camera, it's fine. So she said - I hand it back to her and she says, “ yeah I'll take that back now.” and I said, “ all right, you can go fetch it then.” And I pull it back…
Sean: you had to keep talking.
Dick: yeah! Here you go, fine, just take it. “ Yeah, I'll just take that back.” shit can't have that. I played college baseball - I played baseball for a college that was terrible and had no Outfield fence. We had a college that had a 680 foot Outfield fence, and we were terrible. We had the worst pitchers in the league. One of our pitchers, during the game, broke his own record for most batters hit during an inning. and this was not remarkable to us. It was like 22 or something like that. Sean! Weird people on our team who would never throw in a ball before in their life, And we used to be in a competitive league for us, but then the league came in and said your school has X number of students, so we're requiring you because of the rules to go to leagues above. we can't compete at all on this late, it's a tech school.
Sean: Some of these other school students don't write around an automated wheelchairs. They have four limbs, you can't expect us to compete.
Dick: So we're competing of schools that have like baseball scholarships.
Sean: yeah, and we all have Sun allergies!
Dick: Ever since we got moved to that League we didn't win a game since 1981. That's 30 years now, almost 40 years.
Kevin: This was your chance to prove that run by throwing the camera.
Dick: No. Why I'm saying that is because my entire college baseball life was spent running to offense and throwing balls 600 feet. So when I say I threw that camera, which was about the size of a baseball and about the weight of a baseball, when I say I threw that thing this was like a Tony Gwynn throw. I think it's still hasn't landed yet, how far through this camera. I just threw it so fucking hard that I think it rattled through a time when I left my hand And blinked out of existence. And the woman, she watched it and just looked back at me, and I could see it in her eye. You know that could have been avoided by your attitude, right? We both are aware of that. So she goes not even running, knowing that she's got a full night of picking up parts just turning around and walking. Let's hope this is done. Meanwhile Big Red's untangling herself from the shopping cart. So I get in the car. I feel like shit now because I feel like I fucked up judging by everyone's reaction. I guess I crossed the line Somehow. Minding my own business, making comments about the world around me, Sean.
Dick: Simple observations. What's the deal with those shorts right? Simple stuff. Emmy award-winning commentary we're making. I got back in the car and okay whatever, I feel like shit I fucked up. Oh well another fuc up. and my sister's boyfriend, who is her husband now, says “ that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.” Okay, thank you. So what the fuck was the deal with the silent treatment and all that shit then, you sons of bitches?
Sean: it was like when Cartman saw that Thompson so had butts for heads. it was just too funny he couldn't take it all in.
Dick: Alright so I kind of suck the anticipation out of the 80s girls story with that one. I don't want to get accused of withholding stories. So I'm no stranger to people lying in wait for me outside of places. That's not the first time it happened, it happens all the fucking time. These chicks get a wild hair up their ass, and then they want to throw - they want to throw punches because they know a guy will come out of nowhere. they know a guy won't hit him back and they know a guy will come out of nowhere and let him get one out because guys are fucking stupid. Because men are so fucking dumb that they sacrifice themselves for a big fat question mark In the sky that smells like a pussy to them. we spend our entire fucking lives doing this, and women are carving us. The government is coming us into doing this all the fucking time. Every day it's do this, because of a big magical pussy in the sky that you're going to get to fuck if you sacrifice something for me right now. It's a hard wire our brain, and it makes me sick. It is girl says, “ they're talking about you. This girl, Caitlin Hall, she's talking about you.” Some guy with a gigantic beard. Okay give me a break dude. How many trees did you chop down today? Just like yesterday, none? Where those suspenders strapped to? Do they go all the way down? Are those suspenders attached to a butt plug that you shove up your ass 24 hours a day, you piece of shit. I go over and - I don't think Maya policy is a secret where is strange, I confront people and everything. Period. Because there is a feeling you get of extreme discomfort, like a sickness that everybody has in them. That's why people say public speaking is so terrifying, because you get up there and you just feel this dread. Like this consuming dread that tells you that you're going to die. like that and anxiety you get when you're going to break up with somebody or ask them out. that and anxiety that feeling you get when you're going to ask for a raise. When you're going to tell your parents your gay, I don't know. I imagine that's what it's like, because it's the same feeling. The same feeling that we all have is that I'm going to die, stop this.
Kevin: And so many people avoid that though in general. Or culture is very much geared towards passive aggression. if something seems hard we tend to avoid it. Any conflict in general, even if it's just some simple thing with a roommate. Like hey can you wash the dishes? You get looks you know.
Dick: Yeah, so you stop doing it. I know that Scott Adams is talked about this, so if you want to know more about what I'm talking about check out many of his books I think. He speaks about it with more knowledge than I do, but I think it is important to chase that feeling always. If you learned that you can survive while you have that feeling, it will no longer feel like - it will no longer be a deterrent. To do something that will usually almost always be beneficial to you. You no? You text a girl because calling her gives you that feeling of dread. So chase the feeling of dread. If someone is talking shit about you, always do the scare your thing and you will start to look for it right? Because usually helpful.
Sean: That's healthy advice for a lot of people.
Dick: Yeah. Didn't work out so well this time. So I walk over - I walk over to this girl on guy that saying the fucker’s in there. By the way, tell me - oh yeah, it is girl says they were talking about the lawsuit, and I always want to talk about the lawsuit because I'm trying to run this campaign of explaining to people why am getting sued. And it's important because more and more people come out of the woodwork to support what is an abuse of the legal system. You know there's a legal court, and then there's a court of public opinion. Well I think will win the legal Court, I think we're getting our fucking asses kicked in the court of public opinion.
Sean: Is that right?
Kevin: Time will tell I feel.
Dick: Yeah. I mean Bunty Was shocked last week hearing about just some of the specifics.
Sean: if there's a lawsuit - if somebody filed such an outlandish lawsuit, they must have a good reason. People give the benefit of the doubt. It's like he must have done something. This must be really bad. I mean people just don't file suits like that.
Dick: yeah. So any opportunity to correct people I will take, because it's cheaper than fighting in court. So I go over and say, you know me? You talking about the lawsuit? Who's talking about the lawsuit over there?” I don't make any judgments right away. I don't rope anyone in. Who's talking about what over here? And I get the immediate aggression of, “ nothing. Nobody.” The way you're reacting to this worries me, Because you're already upset, And nothing that has been said is upsetting. So I say what about you? I address the man, right? It's always better to address the man, because the man doesn't get angry that you're speaking to the woman. Right? Wish they always do. The waiter comes over and talks immediately to the woman. you son of a bitch, what do you think you're doing you fucking fancy prick? “ I'll have a beer please.” Every time, better to talk to the man. I say, “ do you know me? Do you know who I am? Do you know about the lawsuit?” “ Well I’ve already known you for a couple seconds now and I don't like you.” okay, that's normal. We're still fine. So you, to the woman, Caitlin, were you talking about the lawsuit? And she goes, she turns around, whips around me, bad sign, And says, “ fuck you, what are you going to do or talk about this on your podcast? Talk about everything on your podcast?”
Kevin: That's what podcasts are known to do, yeah.
Dick: She starts pressing into me, right? So it is girl says, “ hey, don't touch him.” Simple. Simple rule. Simple rule that we have in life. You get unlimited free speech, and you have absolutely no right to touch. Very simple, it's why the first one works, because you can say anything you want as long as you don't touch. It's when we start blending the two and start touching up a storm that the speaking doesn't work so well anymore, Because then it causes more touching - it's the simplest fucking cycle whereas when they're just nice and separate, like church and state, touching and speaking is not a fucking problem. You can do all the Talking. You just have to resist that child play courage to start getting in someone's face as though physical contact is going to change them. Very simple. Very simple, but not a problem. I've been touched plenty of times. I know that when you talk to these La people with their simple minds and their little - they're little culture of obligation than an offense, you're going to get touched. It happens to me all the fucking time. So she says don't touch him. And I said, “ hey, I appreciate it but go over there. Go far away.” I forget exactly what I said, just go way over there. I know how exactly this is going to play out, because I've seen it happen with my own mom. When I was a little kid I saw my dad get into an argument with this guy. He starts wiggin out. He makes contact with my mom. My dad plays him out with the fucking Super Punch. Max this mother fucked.
Kevin: incredible technique.
Dick: I was riveted. I remember sitting in the back of my family fucking minivan, seeing this. Not fucking cold like King fucking hippo. glass Joe falls off of this. Beautiful punch probably, I remember this from when I was a kid, but amazing punch still. I know what happens. Any more than one chick, and you're increasing the variables too much. You're adding an amount of - I think we all know what I'm saying here. “ Go wait over there. This isn't a big deal, just go wait over there. I don't want you getting roped in, Because you were who everyone attacks all the fucking time. Just go wait over there.” So I talk to her again, “ what do you think of the lawsuit?” She goes just, “ fuck you. Don't talk about this on your fucking show. fuck off.” storms out, she makes a fucking beeline, ran straight into fucking 80s girl, chicken wings her into the wall. We all know this move of I'm just walking here, you need to get out of my way. Shoulder into the wall, takes an entirely full drink, and smashes it on her.
Kevin: Jesus Christ.
Dick: And 80s girls about 5”10, she's a big girl. And Caitlin Hall is big in a fat way. In a disgusting “ I have never seen the inside of a yoga studio” way. Like a muffin top that would make the muffin man proud. Like a blue ribbon Pig, I'm saying. Caitlin Hall looks like a blue ribbon cell. She's the kind of girl wear every top is a mid drift. They don't make attractive styles for women who are as fat as her. Right? Just so you get the idea.
Sean: You've known her before?
Dick: No, I've never met her in my fucking life until this moment when she's talking about the lawsuit. I'm like, “what the hell are you talking about? What are you talking about, do you know the truth?” So she makes a beeline straight for 80’s girl, chicken wings her into the wall or a glass case that they have at the Seven Grand, and smashes the drink on her. it's so weird not pleasant feeling when you see your woman getting tossed around at all. It's different if it's, you know. It makes you feel sick and angry, but there's nothing you can do about it. Everything in you once there to be some kind of retaliation, because usually, and I'm not saying this is always true, that usually in the case of a physical conflict, the weaker party is always the one to start shit. That has always been the experience where people who don't understand - it's people who don't understand repercussions and the difference in size - they don't understand the severity and what they're doing, they just start throwing elbows, start running people down, and start causing conflict. So I run over to 80s girl to see if she's okay, which you always have to do. Chicks eat that shit up. And truthfully, because in the context of human and objects, you never know. you never know what the problems going to be a. I run over her to make sure she's okay, and I've also got beardo over here who is an unknown at the time. I don't know how big of a white night this guy is. I don't know how badly he wants this fat pig to suck his dick, so I don't know what he's going to do. He's capable of anything. So I run over there, “ are you okay? What happened?” She's covered in liquor. Sean! Do you know how hard it is for Mexican women to get their hair looking nice? It's very hard. She's got liquor all over her hair - by the way, she's completely sober. She doesn't drink. Hasn't in a long long time, so if we are relying on the memories of someone who is dead sober and someone who routinely post jokes to their Twitter accounts about how fucking drunk they are, I'm taking the sober person by none who is not involved at all. so I say, “ alright, just come with me. Don't stay here because I'm not leaving you with this fucking screwball.” Who later turned out to be a huge fucking asshole, beardo. We got to find security, we got to call the police, for one very important reason. as I said I've been tossed around and bars a lot, and gotten a lot of nipple rubbing contest right, and it's not been a problem. But you got to realize something about all this stupid bitches that's going on. Without a paper trail, one gets invented. The entire lawsuit is horseshit. Tweets filed by Maddox and his insane girlfriend. Look, this bitch has a restraining order on her. This is all invented because this is what they do, and here's fucking proof. The degree to which you have to go by the system where is the rules when it is constantly being used against you is fucking Madden, it's time-wasting, and it's sick. It's not just something that happens at that point. This is what you people always do, and I fucking know that at some point Caitlin Hall is going to be producing some fucked a half a David and some document that she was the target - she already posted it on Instagram, that because of my - when we get done with this story L read to you her response. Will it go through it and dissect.
Kevin: I saw that her account is now on private, by the way.
Dick: Not private enough. The internet's got a hell of a fucking memory. So I dragged 80s girl along because I don't want any kind of surprise called Cox happening right. It's fucking humiliating.
Sean: Did this happen near the front door?
Dick: No. This happened all the way in the back outside of the bathrooms. It happened very quickly.
Sean: So she stormed out to go to the bathroom presumably?
Dick: No, she stormed out - she stormed away to hide in the birthday party - I walk out kind of knowing about where she went in the Seven Grand, because it's a longer Club shaped like a rectangle. I identify her Trail. Like I don't know you get a sense of where people are going, I don't know. It's in this birthday party of about 20 people. It's a lot of these La soyboys. A bunch of little fucking fohawks and guys with their hair like Rucka that are all wearing troll dolls on the top of their head. A bunch of these haircuts and like oh, I fucking Wonder - I walked off, and this little fucking a gray suit comes out immediately and says, “ oh, dick Masterson, huh?” and I say, “ alright who the fuck are you, and where did that girl just go? Where did she go, because she just assaulted my girlfriend and I need to get her kicked out and call the fucking cops. So just letting you know that this is very serious, and I'm going to pursue it as seriously as possible.” Right, because that's what a fucking is? That's what a fucking is. You don't just walk around knocking people for no fucking reason because you don't like the person they're dating. Right? So he starts the usual, “ whoa bro, you should just calm down.” I'm not fucking coming down, another beardo shows up, another fake Lumberjack shows up, this bitch shows up telling me why don't I just leave her alone. So that's it for me. It's Donald Duck time. It's time to go ballistic and start shouting at people until they get the fuck out of my face. Right? Because you get overwhelmed by people bearing down, and that's when the nipple rubbing starts, and that's when the ship start. Right? You always need - they get together and when there's a critical mass of them, they start with the bitches. They start punching in the dark right? So I start shouting. One to the next, “ hey you fucking cunt, get the fuck away from me this has nothing to do with you. huge giant fake bearded fuck get the fuck away from me.” fine, security comes over. I talked to security and I'm like look, 80s girl explains what happened and the guy goes like, “okay, yeah call the cops. When they get here I'll get her out. I'll take her outside and then they can deal with it. They can arrest her.” I'm like, “ okay, thank you.” We go outside, call the cops, no answer. Call the cops, no answer. 10 minutes probably. Finally got an answer. They said call 911. Really? is this an emergency? There's not enough resources to do this? There too many drugs he got to go track down? Alright, we call nine-one-one. Takes about 2 hours - an hour maybe two hours for the cops to show up.
Sean: No shit? did they let her leave? Did she try to leave or anything?
Dick: No. They're up there having a birthday party or whatever the fuck they're doing. So finally the cops show up and I think at the same time, I think they were leaving at the same time because I was shutting down. I think the whole place was shutting down because it was too with that point. I didn't talk to the cops at all, it is girl talk to the cops and told them what happened. They're like, “ all right, that's battery. We'll go arrest her.” some of the cops grab her, they take her to the side, and that's when I start filming because I want to have a record of everything she saying. Right? So I pull out my camera and started filming it. Instantly sobbing. Drunkenly. Obviously fucking drunk. Slapping in the cops on her, screaming I'm sorry. I get on the recording, I don't know I sent Sean the audio because the recording is difficult to discern. Public Street lot of noise going on. There's a fucking dirty dog stand boiling up hot dogs right next to it.
Sean: I thought that was a water fountain.
Dick: No, it's a grill.
Sean: Yeah, it sounds like you're standing in a water fountain.
Dick: yeah, so it's hard to hear exactly what she's saying.
Sean: Yeah it's tough, because everything is as loud as everything else.
Dick: So then our friends realize that I'm recording, and they start doing the holding up the jacket thing. I'm like, “ all right, we'll all I need is the Audio. I don't give a shit about…”
Sean: yeah. Holding up the jackets might take a little of the top end and Clarity off too.
Dick: Okay. But when she was first being spoken to a by the police, that's the most important part. So her friends very weirdly were - they're doing this thing where they walk towards you, but then they start pushing on you. I think I have video of one of her friends saying remember not to touch him, because they'll call the police on them. Yes, because that's a fucking crying. That's why. Hold up your fucking jacket you moron. I don't know why you fundamentally don't understand the difference between touching and not fucking touching, and that you can't do the second you fucking me to bitch. A guy can't promise you a career and then you'll go fucking suck his cock every night? That's wrong but somehow you can just touch people Non-Stop? What the fuck is the matter with you? How do you guys drum up gigantic Tantrums for something that's questionably immoral, but then touching is the first thing off the fucking table? it's insane. It's insanity. I'm like alright whatever, this will work itself out. It's fine. I go over and hang out with this girl, and fucking weirdo, the same beardo that was in the bathroom with her just blocks over to us and stands and stares and does the Does these I'm pointing at my eyes and pointing to you. Something that he saw on TV to be intimidating. what are you guys pantomiming? What is this? This is like this weird tribal la, some kind of weird little band that you have that are driven by - what the fuck are you doing? What does this mean? Standing there like he's from The Children of the Corn. II I break out the video, he Retreats, obviously knowing that he's done something fucking wrong. The cops come out maybe 30 minutes 40 minutes later, they come out of the club and look, we got to let her go. we looked at the video.
Dick: They said “we looked at a video, we didn't see anything so we got to let it go.” What do you mean you didn't see anything? And he goes, “ we didn't see anything. We don't have all night to watch these videos, we're going to turn these over to detectives, and they have all the time in the world.” There's no fucking way a detective is going to spend time on this shit. What did you see? Did you see me talking to them? He said no. You didn't see me talking to them at all? Because that's where it started. “ No. We saw you and your lawyer, the guy in the suit.” He wasn't even there. And it is girl says, “ well did you see me?” And he goes no. Like what the fuck - what did you see? The sounds like we're in a fucking Twilight Episode. Did you see the drink? Did you see any of that? Did you see the impact? You said nothing? He goes, “ we didn't see a drink. We didn't see anything, but we got to go. We're going to file the battery report, but there's nothing else we can do. We're sorry, but you'd probably want the same done to you.” Yeah, that's true. All of this is a waste of time for me and you on the first place, so I don't want any of it. But what the hell does that mean? He said, “ well see if you can get a copy - see if you can get the video and use it as your own evidence or whatever later if you would try to get a restraining order.”
Sean: What's the policy on a buyer or an establishment turning over a video to the public?
Dick: Well if I was a bar I wouldn't do it under any circumstance, but I have a feeling the manager would do it if I gave him two hundred bucks. So if anybody is the manager for the Seven Grand, I'll give you two hundred bucks to get a copy of the video.
Sean: I know the police can obviously request it. Can the lawyer request it?
Dick: I don't know Sean. I don't know, but that was it. I went back - let me pull up Caitlin's comment. That fucking pig. That was a fucking worst part. The weird cagey non-answers from the cops.
Sean: Sounds like they didn't look at it tape. Or maybe the guy tried to get it working. They spend some time back there, 15 or 20 minutes. fuck didn't show, must have missed it.
Dick: When he said I saw you and you saw your lawyer, I said okay. You saw me talking to everybody, and I know Kian and Kian were there when I was trying to find her. Maybe you guys saw that, because 80s girl wasn't involved in that. So here's what Caitlin said after I said you assaulted my girlfriend flat out, because of this fucking lawsuit that you got in your head that you are fighting a good fight…
Sean: yeah you were entitled to do that.
Dick: yeah you're entitled to do that just like every Drunk bitch in America That starts throwing punches, throwing glasses, putting cigarettes out on people, ranting and fucking raving because these chicks cannot fucking internalize that they don't get what they want, , most of the time. Because none of us get what we want most of the time, you of noxious bitch. That's why. Here's what she said on Instagram. I posted it before she privated everything.
“Hey everyone, I did not assault anyone. I would never do that to another person, especially another woman.” Especially, Sean. So a man is still on the table.
Sean: I would never do that, but there's different degrees of never.
Dick: Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Kevin: I like that she starts off Tommy Wiseau quote right away. I did not hit her, it's true, it’s burrshit!
Dick: “I would never do that to another person, especially another woman. last night, dick recognized me and started harassing me…” From what? I mean, she looks like all the rest of the pigs. She looks like every other fat ass sell a comedian who looks like a fucking stand up base with her vagina in the middle of this Baby Huey body that these broads make because they've never lifted the fucking weight in their lives, except the weight of their massive child abuse. “I walked away…”
Sean: I'm never going to look at a stand-up base the same way.
Dick: They're disgusting! They're fucking disgusting. This chick has blogs talking about how - she posted a Blog this week talking about how she needs to find a new therapist, because her last one fired her for bringing booze into therapy. great memory. Great fucking memory. “ I walked away and wanted to be left alone. I was drinking but I promise you if there was no “drunken ranting.. I didn't say more than four words today, and told him I didn't want to talk to him. At that point I spilled my drink on 80s girl. I'm not proud of it.
Sean: so she admits to doing it, but uses a gentle word that makes it seem like an accident. However, it wasn't an accident.
Dick: Yeah. “ I spilled my drink on “the 80s girl.” I'm not proud of it, but I felt threatened and harassed at their badgering and intimidation about something I didn't want to talk about.”
Sean: So she admits to doing it with purpose using a verb that would indicate an accident.
Dick: Yeah. “I felt threatened and harassed by badgering and intimidation,” so all the me too words. And because of her beauty I bet. “about something I didn’t want to talk about,” so she spilled her drink on someone who is not involved in the conversation, and is not proud of it. “From there, they called the cops.” Yup. Because that’s a crime, bitch. “Police officers had me detained for about 15 minutes while they reviewed the tapes, before realizing I didn’t do anything.”
Sean: Well you just said you did something.
Dick: Yeah. But that’s the problem with people that don’t understand boundaries and the laws. They don’t know what - they don’t know how to lie because they don’t know what is a crime in the first place!
Sean: It’s not a crime if I felt threatened.
Dick: Of course I put my cigarette out on him, you understand, I felt threatened. He called me fat a bunch of times and said I act like ym mom. I mean, duh. That’s chick law. Who felt more in the right doing it? You’re innocent. Technically you’re innocent, but you didn’t feel as threatened as the other one. “Believe what you want,” okay, that’s what guilty people say. “but I had about 20 friends there as witnesses.” To what? There was 4 people in the back where it happened. 20 friends there?
Sean: Were there for me to tell them what happened from my perspective.
Dick: What a fucking mental case. “I didn’t do anything. I would absolutely never hurt another person. To 80’s girl, sorry for spilling my drink on you. However, as a 40-year-old man, and a school teacher,” totally unnecessary reference to someone’s job.
Sean: I’m still trying to deconstruct her terrible sentence. We need Nick Rekieta.
Dick: Yeah. “However, ass a 40-year old man and a school teacher, verbally harassing…” Verbally harassing, give me a break. I thought it was only 4 words. What happened to the… “verbally harassing a 24-year-old woman so much that another friend had to step in…”
Sean: Oh yeah because I’m sure that’s what lumberjack did.
Dick: Oh yeah, he was a real tough guy when it was him and 20 of his friends.
Sean: Yeah, when pussy was on the table.
Dick: That guys Dick went inside of his body when he told me he only knew me for a couple of seconds and he already didn’t like me. If there wasn’t a wall behind him, he would have just completely shrank away. “so much that another friend had to step in. Making a falsified police report…” That’s a crime by the way. That’s defamation. There was no falsified police report, and making one is a crime. So defamation right there. “and trying to embarrass her by posting a video of her crying in handcuffs for a story? Not a good move.” So what does that mean? Not a good move.
Sean: Don’t know.
Dick: Why? What’s not a good move? Why is it not a good move? What’s gonna happen? Is there some reason it wouldn’t be a good move, you obliquely threatening bitch? “I was not arrested last night.” The handcuffs disagree, which is why I posted the picture, because I knew you’d fucking lie about it. “In fact, the police officers apologized to me after the fact. I’m happy to ask the bar for the video and post it.” Go ahead then. This is gonna save me $200. “I don’t want to talk about this any longer, and I do not wish to be part of your narrative. Thank you.” So innocent that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Yeah, that’s the story. It sucks and it’s stupid, and I guess it’s anti climactic, but that’s the way things are going now.
Sean: Yeah. Yup.
Dick: No matter what I do it gets taken out on 80’s girl. Everything that I do. Some stupid Mansonite cunt from Maddox’s world, wither his dumb bitch girlfriend or this fucking pig.
Kevin: Yeah, what’s the connection there? Is it like a UCB thing?
Dick: I guess she’s been on his show a couple of times. And every single time, some bitch loses her temper and decides that the laws for her don’t exist. And yeah, I guess you can say it’s not a big deal,, but calling someone’s job and trying to get them fired is I guess not a big deal to you until it just never fucking stops. Until it just becomes a daily – until it becomes a monthly, weekly, time consuming lawsuit that has no fucking end. Yeah, I guess it’s not a big deal, but, you know, there is that. I don’t know, it’s very upsetting. It fucking sucks. It’s humiliating to be pushed around and get drinks thrown on you because someone’s got a problem with your boyfriend, and then you just have to sit in it all night. And I’ve thrown drinks before, famously at the Dodger’s game, because I was drunk and I thought it’d be funny, and it wasn’t. It was stupid and I got kicked out for it, and I fucking should have been.
Sean: So the right thing happened?
Dick: Yeah. And it was because I thought it would be funny, because I was drunk and an idiot.
Kevin: Trial and error.
Dick: Yeah. Again, I don’t always know where the line of funny and cruel is, but…
Kevin: Again, you never know until you try it out.
Dick: Alright. I’m gonna play a song. This is by Savestate Corrupted. It’s called Two Months.
(Dick starts the song.)
Dick: He’s the original writer of the acoustic 20 million song. Here he is with another one about the lawsuit called Two Months.
(The song ends)
Dick: 2 months.
Sean: 2 months!
Dick: I found the video of that guy who was doing that weird impression of a tough guy. There was also this big fat bald guy who was calling me a pussy because in was recording it weirdly. Like, “Oh, you’re a fucking pussy.” You’re a fucking baby boomer dude, you don’t even know what a bitcoin is. You have no relevance to me in my world. I’d have to explain to you – I wouldn’t even know where to begin with how dumb you are with your baby boomer ways. You have no idea. You probably don’t even know of Ethereum, you fat idiot.
Sean: You and your 3 dimensions.
Dick: Yeah. Pathetic. Let me see if I can play it.
(Dick starts the video)
(Dick stops the video almost immediately.)
Alight, I’m gonna stretch it out. It’s weird. These people, as soon as the camera comes out, they all just run away. It’s like they forge that technology exists. I don’t know how else to say it. Let me try to crop this so I can get a good shot. I did took this in public, by the way, so totally perfectly fine what I’m doing.
Sean: Yeah, video’s okay is my understanding.
Dick: Yeah. This is the one I sent to you to try to isolate some audio from.
Sean: Yeah. I’m working on it.
Dick: You’re working on it. See, this guy. This is what he was doing with the hands folded like this, like he’s the fucking undertaker. Too much wrestling. It’s like they get all of their sense of their own strength from watching wrestling. Buddy, you’re not Stone Cold Steve Autism here. There he is.
(Dick starts the video again.)
Dick: Oh, see, he’s not worth it. Alright, there we go.
(Dick stops the video.)
Dick: This was a little bit of fun. I think Mumkey Jones is on. Let me see if I can get him. Hey Mumkey, are you there?
Mumkey: Hey Dick, hey Sean, hey… Kevin, is that the guy’s name?
Dick: Yeah dude. I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I really wanted to talk to you, but I got distracted by all these stories about women behaving atrociously.
Mumkey: It’s another Dick Show episode where it’s like inception levels of story telling, where we have stories within stories within stories. When we got to the baseball stuff, I was thinking, “What was the first story we were on?” But I love it, it’s a great method of story telling on The Dick Show.
Dick: It’s the best way to get women, because they can’t leave with an unresolved story. Like nobody can fight it. They just…
Sean: That’s why an enormous percentage of our audience is women.
Dick: Just telling you guys!
Sean: That’s not accurate?
Dick: I don’t know. I don’t know. There’s no advertisement, so I never bothered to look.
Mumkey: Real quick, on the subject of this fat bitch who attacked your girlfriend, Caitlin whatever. Here’s how I know she’s guilty: You post a story and you tag her in it. I don’t like your tweet. I mean I like some of your tweets, but I didn’t physically like the tweet. Nick Re-key-ta, is that how you pronounce that?
Mumkey: His opinion just saying, “Just spilling your drink on someone intentionally is simple battery. He’s not really taking a side, he’s just posting a legal fact. I go ahead and like that tweet, and it turns out that this fat Caitlin bitch now has me blocked on Twitter for liking that tweet. When you go on a mass blocking rampage on Twitter for someone who simply likes a Tweet that’s not even necessarily about you, just a legal fact, I think that might be a sign of guilt.
Dick: Yeah. I don’t think legal facts are compatible with the ultra-progressive LA lifestyle. It’s best to block that out as often as possible, and as aggressively as possible. I think that’s what you’re seeing.
Mumkey: It’s not often that innocent people go on massive blocking sprees on Twitter.
Dick: That kind of ties in with the Digibro call I got.
Kevin: Or thought cops who got famously blocked by Dan Harmon, which he labeled as #Harmonblocked2018.
Dick: Alright Mumkey, I’m a fan of your work. I don’t know specifically which one to play. Do you have and favorites you want me to play to tease everybody?
Mumkey: Oh, a video of mine?
Mumkey: Oh, no. Don’t play any of them on this show. You have to trick people into thinking I’m funny, I don’t want to actually show them my content.
Dick: It’s weird to sit somebody down and make them listen to one minute of a YouTube video.
Mumkey: You know what? The best way if somebody wants to check me out is I did a 40-minute half-in-the-bag Red Letter Media style video with Asterios when I was up in New York about an episode of Young Sheldon. So if you wanna see it, go watch that.
Dick: I’ve done some podcast with Asterios just obsessively talking about shitty TV. I think we talked about veggie tales for about 10 minutes on one of his science friction podcasts. He’s good at it. But I also wanted to get you to call in to get your response to the Digibro call from last week, because I know you guys were close were for a while and had a falling out, similar to the way Maddox and I did. I wanted to make sure both of you guys got your say in, in addition to being a big Mumkey Jones fan.
Mumkey: Well I heard that Didi was going to be on the show talking about me and him breaking up. I was – you get that little feeling of worry in your stomach like, oh man, what’s he gonna say about me on the show with 50,000 listeners? But then, I listen to the show, and to my pleasant surprise, he just embarrass himself, and I get off almost completely scott free. I was very happy with the last episode.
Dick: You’re talking about the loligate stuff?
Mumkey: Yeah. Among other things. The worst thing he had to say about me was that I was friends with people who were trolling him. I think he was trying to get you on his side, but then the whole time you were like,” Oh, that’s funny, sure. Yeah, I’d do that.” And he kinda had no response to any of that, so I was pretty happy with my lack of performance last episode.
Dick: It’s interesting that people think you – in this case it’s you, but also me that were responsible for whipping people up into a frenzy or directing people, and you can’t. I don’t think that is a real thing.
Sean: No more than Maddox did that with Caitlin.
Dick: Yeah I mean I’ve never understood it. Like, I guess maybe you give people the wrong information and they start making wrong decisions based on that, but it’s still them doing it. And even the, you’re gonna have to tell me exactly what I said. Because Twitch is doing that now. They’re saying you’re responsible for moderating the behavior of your own followers. Are you fucking kidding me? I can barely get the audio working for my fucking stream, and you want me to police the goddamn world?! I don’t have infinite resources like you, Jeff Bezos, you cock!
Sean: This is the “no one is responsible for anything anymore.”
Dick: It really is! It really fucking is!
Sean: except the people who – the point of inception, which is like you. If you’re a content creator, all these people do whatever you say. They’re just mindless jihadists. They just – anything you say, they’re just brainless weapons at this point.
Dick: Do you know how hard it is to get a person – as much time as I’ve ever spent on 4Chan, the most common thing I see is “not your personal army,” because every motherfucker in there will try to get everybody to mobilize and mob somebody, and it just never fucking works. I do disagree that that is a thing. I do disagree with Digi on that. While I respect his right to say it, of course.
Mumkey: Oh sure. Do you agree with other things that he perhaps brought up during the episode?
Dick: Oh my god dude, that was – that really baked my almonds. That whole conversation.
Mumkey: I think the phrase is activating the almonds.
Dick: Activated my almonds. It roasted them. It roasted my almonds beyond recognition. I still don’t know how to take it, because here’s another facet to that whole loli shit: I would prefer that people are out in the open about it so I can make decisions about what I want to do about that.
Sean: Right. Get more correct information.
Dick: Yeah. Like when I was on the Milo show, it came up in a conversation. I was on Milo a couple days ago, it came up in a conversation that I think a lot of politics is about convincing people that they can save the world, or help a tremendous amount of people, when in reality, you can’t. You can only help yourself, your family, maybe a couple of your friends, but probably not as many as you think.
Sean: I think politics is about convincing people that they have more power than they do.
Dick: Yeah. Vis-à-vis. And then I think about this massive outrage over this loli shit, I’m like – I’m responsible for my kids, that’s kinda where – what can I do to protect them better is let you guys say whatever you want. Like, do whatever you want, tell me about it, be proud of it, then I’m gonna say,” Yeah, okay, well not I can make an informed decision. Thank you.”
Sean: Stay away from those person’s kids.
Dick: Stay away from men. Stay away from men in general. Would you let him watch your kids? I wouldn’t let a fucking man watch my kids ever! Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, anyway. I don’t know. What makes you a rage Mumkey? Let’s start there.
Mumkey: Oh man, okay. What makes me a rage is that I used to be able to take advantage of movie theaters and now the system is fucking me right back, and I call this the assigned seating bullshit. You used to be – folks, because they got this new thing about 6 months ago called movie pass. It’s a godsend. It’s like Netflix for the movie theater. You spend $10 a month, you can go see a movie every freaking day.
Mumkey: Yeah, and I loved it! Every day you can go to a movie and they just pay for your ticket.
Kevin: No IMAX, no 3D, but fuck that.
Dick: No, that would be kinda cool, because I hate movies now, but it’s mostly because I have to spend the money to go see it. If it was just a given like a subscription, I would be a lot more forgiving.
Mumkey: But the thing is – what’s a ticket now, $15 each? A movie pas is a $10 flat rate every month, so if you go to the movies more than once a month and you don’t have movie pass, you’re kind of retarded. But here’s the problem: The way I go to movies, I’m pretty much getting in for free. I don’t value my time, so I show up 40 minutes early so I have my open pick. Auditorium seating, I can sit wherever I want. I’m here so early nobody else is here. Maybe I’ll sit in every single seat to see which one I like the most. But now all the theaters think they want to be hip and cool, and they have to justify upping the price to $15 a ticket, so now they’re doing this assigned seating where you have to pay for the specific seat you want. So now I can show up an hour early and it doesn’t matter because all the seats are taken because people bought them on line. So now you’re thinking, “Oh Mumkey, why don’t you just buy your tickets online? But you can’t because with movie pass, you have to buy it in person, right before the show you’re going to see. We used to have the perfect system, and now it’s fucked!
Sean: He seems pretty occupied with getting to the theater very early, it sounds like he really needs a hobby.
Dick: You know what Sean, we used to hate the 20 so much, but I fucking miss it for exactly this reason. You used to get to the theater early and you could pick the best seat in the house. You could go on a hunt for the best seat, and now that’s lost to the people who are so privileged with their planning ahead, that they can sit there weeks in advance, and of course I’m talking about women, they can sit there weeks in advance and meticulously pick out – they can find an empty row of 4 and pick it right in the fucking middle, and it’s like, “You fucking bitch!” Whoever did it, if this was a live event, you know you would have shown up and have been asked to move over, but you fucking had this system where you can fuck over another couple just so you can have that buffer of space because you’re so terrified of getting within a foot of another person. Fuck you! Fuck the seat system! He’s right. It’s fucking bullshit! The movie theater’s putting on airs! “Oh, we’re basically like a sporting event. You gotta pick your…” It’s like a plane! Coming to a movie theater is so fucking hoity toity that you’ve gotta pick a fucking seat in advance. What?
Sean: (seductively) I fucking love it!
Dick: You are a fucking asshole!
Mumkey: Fuck you Sean!
Dick: Fuck you!
Sean: Yeah. I don’t want to worry about shit! I can walk in there, I don’t have to sit in the theater fucking early, watch the stupid ass previews. I can walk right in like, “Yup, there’s my fucking seat right there!” I love it!
Dick: I miss the slides. I miss – Mumkey, how old are you?
Dick: 22? Oh my god, you’re young. So you never experienced a movie theater with the ads where they were just slides, did you?
Mumkey: Yeah, I’ve seen those before.
Dick: Oh, my friend, it was a beautiful time in movies. You get there early, you could talk to your friends, they show you trivia that a retarded person could answer correctly. Everyone – you know. It was just beautiful.
Sean: Who is this actor? Hom Tanks!
Kevin: Hotm Shank.
Dick: And they started fucking it up as soon as they got video. As soon as they started doing video ads, that’s when they started getting up their own ass and making the movies intolerable. So now it’s assigned seating, you can buy your snacks in advance, you’ve gotta watch a goddamn hour of a video commercial. You’re fucked Sean!
Sean: Not if you’re in line for snacks.
Mumkey: Have you ever been to those theaters that are now – it’s like full service waiters in the middle of the movie?
Mumkey: So you then have to spend the whole movie watching some dumb waiter bringing people his food, going in front of me in rows the whole time. I don’t know – and of course the tickets are $3 more than a normal theater. I don’t know why anybody would choose to have this as their theater experience.
Dick: I went to one of those with Life Coach, and you have to pay an extra…
Sean: (interjects) Will they give you booze?
Dick: Yes. But it’s not enough booze to get…
Sean: Are the services not fast enough?
Dick: I went to see that shitball Tom Hanks movie about Sully. Captain Sullivan. There’s not a story, there’s no conflict.
Sean: He’s gotta land it on the Hudson.
Dick: Yeah. He’s gotta land it on the Hudson and save a bunch of people. They turned it into a movie and they add all this extra bullshit to turn it into a movie, but it’s not.
Sean: Like the co-pilot was like, “Don’t you dare do that! We’ll never survive!”
Dick: Yeah. Like the safety committee goes, “Well, are you sure you needed to do that? We ran a computer simulation.”
Sean: Yeah. “You should have just continued on your flight. That was safer.”
Dick: It was stupid, and for some reason 80’s girl wanted to go. I was feeling generous, like, “Yeah, yeah, sure.” But I had all the intention in the world to get absolutely shitfaced at this thing. So I go there, I say, “Yeah, let me get that bottle of wine.” Because they’ve got at their snack bar a giant bottle of Kendall Jackson or something like that. I said, “Let me get that bottle of wine.” She goes, “Oh, there’s a limit of one per person,” or something. I go, “I only need one bottle.” And she goes, “Okay, here you go.” She comes back with a glass, and like an airplane bottle of wine. I’m like, are you fucking kidding me? I can’t get – I can’t even get a buzz off of this! What sort of service – who is this service for? Someone who’s just cosplaying that they drink wine? So I’m through that before the credits. I’m not walking – I’m not gonna go stand in the never-ending snack bar again. I’m not gonna wait in line for this entire goddamn movie just to get a buzz. The offering of alcohol at movies is farcical at best.
Kevin: Bring a flask.
Sean: Yeah, we used to do that.
Dick: Yeah. Anyway, it’s a nightmare. For people like you, Sean. (mockingly) “Yeah, I like it.” It’s not. It’s fucked.
Sean: I haven’t heard a fucked reason.
Mumkey: Here’s why it’s fucked Sean: Because you ‘re wasting your money. If you buy a ticket online, you have to pay an extra $3 service fee, so now your ticket is…
Sean: People buy me movie tickets. I can’t remember the last time I – you know, because I usually get drug to movies I don’t really care about.
Dick: So your girlfriend buys the tickets in advance?
Sean: Yeah, I get all the advantages and none of the drawbacks.
Dick: Yeah, all of the advantages. Classic American right here. Fuck everybody else.
Sean: I’m white, privileged, entitled, male.
Dick: Yeah. What a fucking jerk.
Sean: Yeah. I’m the world’s biggest enemy.
Dick: Hey Mumkey, do you want to listen to voicemails with us? Do you wanna hang out and listen to voicemails?
Mumkey: Yeah, let’s do it!
Sean: Yeah, he’s fun.
Dick: Yeah, it’s fun when he gets going too. In his videos, Mumkey Jones’s videos, they start out real slow. He’ll build cases, and it’s like – very funny, I like him a lot. Alright everybody. You’ve been listening to The Dick Show. Go to TheDickShow.com. Dick.Show. Patreon.com/TheDickShow. C U Next Tuesday. We’re gonna do some voicemails here after the break. This’ll be – I’m gonna play – this one is by Myroom Records. Someone Who Used to Know What a Satire Is. Myroom Records got an album now. Too Small of an Album. Check it out: Myroomrecords.com/thedickshow. C U Next Tuesday.
(Dick starts the song)
Sean: Have we heard this?
Dick: That’s because I hit the wrong button. Sorry.
(Dick stops the song.)
I was gonna say, those are awfully similar chords.
(Dick starts the right song this time)
(Dick stops the song)
Dick: Wait a minute Mumkey, you did an interview with that Pickle Reee guy, right?
Mumkey: That’s right.
Dick: Yeah. I didn’t know this until Mumkey’s interview, but that guy’s just joking. Remember that Rick & Morty fan that just jumped up on the counter of a McDonald’s and was screaming, “I’m pickle reeeeee!” That was all a joke.
Sean: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah, that was just a put—on.
Sean: Well now if I ever see it, I’ll know it was a joke.
Dick: Yeah Now you know Sean.
Mumkey: Hey Dick, I’ve actually had a question for you in reference to voicemails. Do either you or Sean remember back during the old show, around episode 50-ish, at the end of one episode, you said, “This new listener called in, and he left this big 3 minute voicemail of ranking all the funniest parts of this show, but it’s too long to play now, I’ll play it next episode.” And then what do you know…
Dick: That was you?
Mumkey: All week, I’m so excited they’re going to play my big voicemail. Next episode, not even fucking mentioned.
Dick: Noooo! Do you know what episode it was? I can find that.
Mumkey:It was around the 50’s, I don’t know, but I remember my ranking of the funniest parts of the show.
Dick: Give me a second to see if I can try to find it, because I still have all of those voicemails.
Sean: Really? And you’d know – they’re filed?
Dick: Oh yeah dude. What do you thins?!
Mumkey: You probably shouldn’t play it, because I think I say my real name, and I don’t want to dox myself now that I’m Mumkey.
Dick: I do want to know if I have it. Sean, what do you think I do, just roll in here and kinda do whatever?
Sean: He’s talking the old show.
Dick: I know. I’ve had the same system for 4 years.
Sean: I didn’t know that you – you were in charge of voicemails for The Biggest Problem?
Dick: Yes! It was my idea that I had to fucking fight for because Maddox was like, “Well what if they’re boring?” Then fucking cut them you stupid asshole! What do you mean what if they’re boring? And all of a sudden it was the greatest thing in the world, and everybody’s doing them. And he’s like, “Yeah, well you know, we likes…” Then all of a sudden he wanted to bring in voicemails! And I said you bring in shitty voicemails because you don’t ducking understand the point of it is to bust balls, you Dick!
Sean: I remember when all of that started. All of a sudden it was like, “Oh, we’re doing this little post-show thing.” Because it used to just end with the song, right? And it was like, “Oh, this is cool. It’s like a part 2 of the show.” It took a while to get that going.
Dick: I’m just curious now. I really want to see if it’s… If it’s there… Fuck it, I’ll look for it – we’ll search the transcripts.
Sean: Don’t worry, we’ll play it next week.
Dick: Yeah, we’ll play it next week.
Sean: Nobody mention it.
Dick: Alright, I’m gonna play some Facebook news. How about that?
Sean: Oh yeah. I love this.
Dick: Me too.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple of days. Clay Early’s back in the news as he hosted a semi-annual breaking of the boxes harvest where he breaks down the pile of PBR boxes in his apartment that reach the ceiling. During the stream, Clay consumed 5 beers and 3 shots of Jamison. After the first and second shot of Jamison, Clay had to step off camera to puke. It was worth mentioning that Clay likely began this stream drunk, but he can’t really remember. Finally, Clay shared with me that it takes him about 2 days to get through a 30-pack of PBR, and advised me to make better life choices. Damien Ordando asked Dickheads to vote on the worst call-in to date. The results are as follows: The furry who makes dildos with 7 votes, Stove with 12 votes, which is a preemptive hedge on the quality of his inevitable call-in. David Clegg with 13, and Adam Nash with 77. Lastly we have Derrick Barnes whose brother got hit by a car while cycling yesterday. His rage was retarded people that don’t know how to drive. Well, Dickheads’s rage was quite the opposite. The thread begins and ends with people telling Derrick such things as: “Your brother is a cyclist, it was probably his fault in some way.” “Your brother should learn to drive a car.” “Tell him to get a license.” “Is your brother 12?” “Does your brother have a DUI?” “Was he drunk on Fireball?” and one person asked if his brother was alright, to which Derrick said, “Yeah, but he’s sore.” This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple of days.
Dick: Thank you very much, Captain Jackass. Alright, let me get some of these.
Mumkey: I’m surprised they didn’t have a bunch of polls about lolicon like they did on the subreddit.
Dick: Oh my god. Some of those Facebook threads about the loli shot are like – Dude, they’re explosive. People are – people are very passionate about their opinion on it. I don’t know – I guess I’m not – maybe that’s weird. But like I said, still roasting my almonds. If I watch lesbian porn does that make me a lesbian? That’s what I wanna know. Right? I’m jus kidding. It’s not the same, I know. I understand.
Caller #1: Hey Dick, hey Sean. It’s Jay. You know what makes me a fucking rage? Bed Bath and Beyond. The whole store is this confusing narrow loop that’s just openly hostile to men. Prices are hidden, stockpiles are unmarked, there’s no store director, and there’s no employees except for the registers, which are staffed by a half-dozen high schoolers. And they’re clueless. When you ask them a simple question like, “Is this coffee maker in stock?” No? Can you order it? Whenever I drop by one, I feel my life force being leched away. Also, do a Road Rage in D.C. Thank you so much for the show. It makes the long drive back and forth to work bearable. Later.
Dick: Hey, you’re welcome. We’ve been getting a lot of requests for D.C.
Sean: Is that right?
Dick: Yeah. There’s a weird feeling about Bed Bath & Beyond. It feels like that game Mousetrap. You ever been in there? It’s like everything’s – the first time I went in there, I was very confused about how to navigate it. It’s like, wait a minute, where’s the grid? Why does this feel like it was carved out by the elements? The fuck’s going on in thioos store? It’s like a big ring and there’s a bunch of little rings go off of it. Very odd.
Sean: I don’t remember the layout.
Dick: Very odd. Life sucking store for your manhood.
Caller #2: Hey Dick, it’s Trevor. You know what makes me a rage? Women who wear hoodies around their waist. So I work at a gym, so there’s a ton of women who go there. Most of them have good bodies, fat asses. But it’s always gotta be the sexiest woman with the fattest ass who has to wear a hoodie around her waist, covering it up. It makes me want to die because from what I can see form the side it looks amazing. I can’t see the whole thing because she’s wearing a fucking hoodie. Why the fuck are you here? Holy shit.
Dick: I guess Curves is making a lot more sense now when you think about it like that.
Caller #3: Hey Dick, what’s going on? I have a rage for you, which, I mean everybody has raged about this before. Bullshit requires classes for your major. So I’m a computer science major, and they’re making us take up to discrete algebra or something like that. And currently I’m in calculus 2. And Calculus 2 is the fucking bitch. Especially for someone who is behind when it comes to math. Now, for me, I’ve already done internships at proper fortune 500 companies, and ask me how much math I have used in my programming.
Caller #3: Zero! No fucking math was involved whatsoever! Why? Because they will hire a mathematician or something like that. Basically, my job is to go in and Google a bunch of shit, then apply it into programming and make that shit work. Or just, you know… Get a fucking hammer and beat that shit until it works. So I can’t tell you how many of my fucking classmates or former classmates who are out in the real world now, or in mentors or internships, “Hey, how are you applying the math that you learned?” You know. It’s pre-algebra.
Dick: Yeah. Why does anybody learn algebra? Why? One single fucking person.
Caller #3: …because it’s considered a science. Same thing with physics! It’s fucking bullshit! I’m not a physicist! I’m not a mathematician. Don’t make me take fucking calculus! Just let me take some programming courses so I can get that fucking piece of paper so I can contribute to society, YOU FUCKS!
Dick: So I can get my money and start paying you assholes back. Why is it that the steel industry and manufacturing jobs are all jobs we don’t want, yet we still have to learn algebra? If I get a differential calculus question, I can pay someone in India to do it! Why isn’t that the norm? Why don’t we just go through elementary school learning gow to outsource everything? Because that’s all we fucking do anymore! Why is one single kid learning fucking math? For anything? Why do I need this math? “Well you need it to calculate your college bill. That’s what you need it for! So you can get fucked for the rest of your life until you’re not stupid enough to understand that you’re getting fucked, and that’s when we start fucking you in a different way. When you finally get your brain figured out to realize the difference between what is and what isn’t a giant yolk of oppression that we put on you. That’s when we switch it all around. That’s when you learn enough math. That’s when you start needing to learn how to write checks, you fucking sucker. Mumkey, did you go to college?
Mumkey: Yeah. I wasted my degree in English. And this works both ways, because you’d think you go to learn English that you’d just read a couple books and graduate. But no, you have to take a religion course, you have to take a Spanish course. I don’t know how Spanish is going to help me with my English. You take all this math and science shit. I was going to school to be an English teacher,
Sean: Oh boy.
Mumkey: so I don’t know why any of that would be relevant to me even in the slightest. It’s just a big fucking scam. If you could just take the 12 courses you needed, you’d do that. But no, they want you to take 32 of them.
Dick: You know what’s – high school. “Yeah, you gotta take a foreign language.” Why? “Well… If you take 4 years of it, you get to be in the honor’s society.” Then what? “Well you get this sash.” They’ve been fucking badging us. Our entire lives have been focused on us getting these fucking badges, and now the entire economy has moved onto Twitch where you do nothing buy generate fucking badges for yourself all day. All fucking day! Find me one person that explains why learning an embarrassing amount of Spanish helps anyone at all. Anyone! “No, just keep writing checks, you stupid assholes.” You were going to be an English teacher?
Mumkey: Yeah. And then I made it to the final semester where you do the student teaching. And on the first day, I realized, “No, fuck this.”
Sean: First day, huh?
Mumkey: Because my problem is that I’m internally 16 years old, so some of the kids I was gonna teach look older than me. They’re bigger than me in every way, and there’s no way I’m gonna earn their respect. And also I realized I just didn’t want to do it, especially with how shitty teachers are treated these days – I guess forever. I said, “fuck it, I’ll just do YouTube.” Now here I am on The Dick Show.
Dick: Do you really think teachers are treated shitty?
Mumkey: Yeah, I really do.
Dick: Yeah why?
Mumkey: Just the way that they’re underpaid and underappreciated. But to be fair though, I went through all the courses, I know the next generation of teachers, and a lot of those people are actually kind of fucking retarded, so maybe they don’t deserve more money. I’ve seen people that are gonna be teachers next year, and they’re fucking retarded.
Dick: When I first took a gander at 80’s girl’s paycheck, I was like,” Wait a minute, I was expecting much less than this for how often the news tells me you guys are oppressed. That you guys aren’t getting a fair shake. I know a lot of people who make less money than this. You know what I mean?
Mumkey:I think the problem is when a teacher is expected to buy their own supplies for students and stuff. I think that’s crossing the line for me.
Dick: Yeah. I agree with you on that one.
Sean: I always wonder what percentage of the time that happens. The media makes that seem like it’s a widespread thing. Does that happen? Is that a real thing?
Dick: In my experience, - when I was a kid, I remember at the beginning of the year, we’d have to bring in Kleenex boxes and stuff to staff up the room for the year.
Sean: That was your parents.
Dick: Yeah. But then what if it’s the kind of school where you don’t have parents?
Sean: What do you mean kinda school where you don’t have parents?
Dick: What do you think I mean? You know… Talking ghetto. Like what if it’s a school where you have maybe one parent, or the parents don’t work?
Sean: Then they can steal a Kleenex box on the way into school.
Dick: Right. That seems like such a big part of the national conversation about teachers. How are you gonna compare 20 schools in Compton to 20 schools in Pasdino? Absolutely zero comparison, but it’s all just a big stat. Right?
It's funny imagining mumkey teaching an English class to. kids they barely escaped it.
Mumkey: when I was about to go through all these courses - so there was footage of me teaching a mock class out there somewhere, so maybe I'll find that and send that to you. Maybe you can see what it looks like when a 16 year old is teaching 15 year olds.
Sean: That would be cool.
Dick: Yeah it would.
Caller #4: Hey what's up dick? It's angel cakes and I'm calling with what makes me rage. What makes me rage is people who say, “ do you want to take the garbage out?” You know they leave it up to you, and the only way you can respond to that is - you either tell them, “no” like a dick automatically asking for a favor. you know they don't have a fucking manners don't know how to ask properly, and you say no and you're a fucking asshole. Or you Get on your high horse and very condescendingly tell them, “ it's not do you want to, it's would you please?” and either way you look like the fucking bad guy, me and while you're just trying to show someone how to be well-mannered, well-rounded people. that's what makes me rage.
Dick: Why did you want to teach English? Mumkey? What was it about that brought you over to English?
Mumkey: because I'm bad at everything.
Sean: Figured you'd have a head start teaching English.
Mumkey: Yeah. Like I speak English so I can probably - if I can't teach English to a fucking four-year-old, then what can I do? The thing with teaching is that all you have to do is be smarter than the kids. I figured I could do that once every day For the rest of my life.
Caller #5: Dick, what makes me rage is I just heard hell that Generation Z is bored of the internet. Are you fucking kidding me? The generation that this whole thing has been ruined for, that has been sanitized and cleaned up, and made advertiser-friendly for, these kids - these assholes are bored of it. so as collateral damage, we all have to be rubbed of our fun. What the fuck? I don't understand if this was the plan all along, to clean it up for them, but now they're bored. What was the point? What was the point of ruining the internet? This is Fox. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Ayy, go fuck yourself.
Kevin: I mean Backpage is gone, what's the fucking point now?
Dick: Exactly! Whatever the next version of the internet is, that we will know when someone runs a hand job ad. That's when we’re - I don't know if it's going to be a blockchain. Maybe pigeons will come flying by a house to house, dropping content for us. But the first time somebody sells a hand job on it, that's the new internet.
Sean: Handjobs. From pigeons.
Kevin: Future economy.
Dick: The internet does fucking suck right now. oh man, it's just a bummer to be on.
Sean: You do have your well-worn Pathways don't you?
Dick: And life just turns into this malays of cute kitten pictures and fucked ways to say dog and cat. oh a check it out, this is my cat, this is my pupper, this is my water. Go. Why am I looking at a picture of a weasel just because it's here? I don't go out of my way to look for pictures of baby weasels. Why am I trying to do it now?
Sean: The only thing I watched involving weasels is a weasel fighting another animal. That's what I watch, you no? Nature shit. Animal battles to the death. That's the kind of shit I want to see.
Dick: it definitely hasn't been sanitized for Generation Z. This is our parents thing. This is John McCain stupid ass thing, talking about getting rid of hand job ads on the internet. It's not Generation Z. Generation Z is not the sucker in this instance. It's everybody older than us. It's the Baby Boomers. It's all Boomers, because their parents don't know shit. They have no fucking idea what the internet is.
Sean: No, they're definitely a generation too old to even delve into it. It's like, “ I'm at the end of my life I don't need this fucking thing.”
Dick: I only care about buying handjobs.
Kevin: So much lore to catch up on.
Dick: yeah. It's them and the guys who are a little bit older than us. Guys like Jack, the Twitter CEO guy, that really think they're saving the fucking world from itself. That's the new goal in life. All of these entrepreneur - all these Web 2.0 storefronts to the upfronts. everybody that fancies themselves some kind of new age Rockefeller or Carnegie. it's like the new version of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps is like innovating through - renovating the planet through innovation. “I'm a butt fucking idiot, and I invented a website that can help people communicate across cultures.” The Reason we have this board is because we all fucking hate each other. There's no reason to communicate across cultures. I don't need to see a bunch of little kids in India talking to a bunch of little kids in America, and then cheering it because one of these two people goes and drinks out of a river that people shit in, and then gets recruited into a rape gang. So let's stop pretending that you're blanketing the world and togetherness with your stupid teleconferencing. fuck you!
Sean: Your sunshine and rape!
Dick: Yeah! Get the fuck out of here with this shit. I'm going to Mars. I'm not going to Mars I promise you that. no one's going to Mars. If you think you're going to Mars I've got news for you, you are not. Someone else's. So why the fuck do you care about it? You know? Someone sucking Scarlett Johansson tonight, are you fucking thrilled about that? You're not doing it. “ Oh hey guys. We've got all got to get together so someone can fuck beautiful Woman.” What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you care?
Mumkey: Maybe Iron Man 2 Scarlett Johansen, but these days she's not looking too hot.
Dick: Ok Then, Lindsey Pelas then. The Instagram model.
Dick: Never mind. I said too much.
Caller #5: Hey dick, I wanted to share a story with you that happened recently. Me and my buddy where to buy get and drunk whatever, and we were sitting there talking about politics. We're both pretty left I guess, I don't know. I don't identify - I don't really play for a team you know. Anyway, so we can talk about politics and we're arguing about shit, we argue about dumb shit. Obviously the president gets brought up, and at one point in the conversation I got to take a step back, and I'm defending Trump. I'm like who the fuck am I? Where did this come from? And I realized it's fucking you. I listen to the dick show so much that I have a little dick voice in my head now sitting in the back of my brain saying, “ hey buddy, Trump's not that bad of a guy.” But now whenever I argue with people about Trump, I find myself defending him. You fucking asshole. You got me to defend a guy that I absolutely despise. Go fuck yourself.
Dick: Why? I don't get that. I don't get how everybody hates a guy so much, and he's like the new Hitler overnight. Give me a fucking break.
Sean: The Hitler comparisons are… People who don't have any knowledge of History say things like that.
Mumkey: Did you see people on Twitter we're celebrating that Trump Tower was on fire, and they didn't give a fuck if people died?
Dick: I saw that too. People getting real up their own ass about…
Mumkey: I don't see how people can point fingers and call somebody Hitler, and then celebrate somebody burning alive.
Dick: Yeah, no. Me either.
Sean: Yeah, that's what you feel entitled to do. You're the good guys, you're the morally righteous.
Dick: You know, what we need is to - we need less connection. We need a matrix that doesn't connect people, and just lets them have their own little world.
Mumkey: Safe space?
Sean: Well no, I know exactly what you're saying. It's because you rile each other up when you're in these little bubbles. That the media creates, and they just aren't exposed to any other side.
Dick: They say the dumbest shit. But you need that. You need that feedback I guess because you're human. You need people to interact with you.
Mumkey: But don't you relish and just internet arguments and people hating each other? Isn't it fun? Isn't that the point of the old show was, just to go at each other's throats over dumb shit?
Dick: Yeah, and then we learned why that's not a good idea.
Kevin: Trial and error, yeah.
Dick: I do Relish in it, but I don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with me. When it was fun was when everything was in a…
Dick: No, when everyone wasn't carrying around a doomsday device where you get banned for going overboard with something. Where you make the wrong comment and then your account is killed. Well I guess that's what I get for just responding to a guy on the internet.
Sean: But to be fair, you didn't know shooting up YouTube was an option.
Dick: You're right. I didn't fucking know that. The NRA should have released a video like Isis when it happened, just taking credit. I haven't agreed with any of their other videos, so might as well try something new. Like everybody's already a lifetime member, they can't get a refund. hey mumkey, I saw you Tweeting about that being a jilted lover.
Mumkey: yeah as soon as I heard it was a woman, I heard it was about her killing that guy she had a crush on in the office. And then a whole bunch of new stories came out confirming that, but then of course that was not the case, so then I was very disappointed.
Dick: Yeah, me too. I saw a think piece after that saying, “why were we so ready to believe that? Is it because of misogyny?” No it's because of the bitch was fucking crazy, you guys do this shit.
Mumkey: I want to know how she fucked it up. How do you not kill 3 people?
Dick: I'm surprised she even shot herself, quite frankly.
Kevin: Is that what happened?
Dick: I think so. Yeah, self inflicted.
Mumkey: if you're in a crowded office with a gun, how do you not get even one kill? Like what was she doing?
Dick: You know, I've heard that cops missed 50% of their shots from even 6 feet away.
Mumkey: It's like the Stormtroopers in Star Wars.
Dick: Yeah. Apparently they weren't that bad after all I guess.
Mumkey: They were realistic.
Sean: Well the misses are all from the white people they show it at. They had a hundred percent of the black people they shoot at.
Dick: Are you saying cops?
Sean: Cops, yeah.
Caller #6: Hey dick show, this is Andrew Oregon. you know what makes me rage? You sitting there and you're spacing out in a public space, and just something weirdly interesting you can't stop staring at. like you're too close to someone's face And you could tell they think you're staring at them. Then you just drifting off looking at that thing, and it just keeps happening over and over. Pisses me off.
Dick: That is annoying, because they think they're so great. Like hey you idiot, I wasn't staring at you. You're nothing. You mean nothing to me. You're just an extra in my life. Don't think there's anything special about - that's what he's saying. That's what you want to say to those guys. “ Hey you fucking idiot, don't think - you think you're interesting? I was looking at that graffiti next to you. You're worth less than that to me, don't you take away my power for me.” One more, we'll do one more.
Caller #7: What's the deal with lolicons? when I first heard it, I thought it was a lollipop convention. So I'm like oh wow, that sounds exciting. I go into Google to see when and where this convention of lollipops is going to happen, and let's just say I was disappointed.
Dick: I'm compelled to talk about that more, but I feel like it makes everybody uncomfortable so I don't want to do it.
Mumkey: I have a thought on it if you want.
Dick: yeah go ahead.
Mumkey: I was getting in fights on your subreddit with people just by having my opinion, and then they couldn't find a way around my opinion, so they just started making my opinion for me. I think one guy tried to say that I am Pro child porn now, Just because he had nothing else to say. So let me just break this down for everybody with simple words. The argument people want to make is, “ oh, you play Grand Theft Auto so does that make you a murderer? How was it any different than this?”
Sean: If you play it right.
Mumkey: Here's how words work - murder is when you kill a human being. so you play a video game that's not murder. Rape is when you rape somebody. You watch a TV show with rape and you're not a rapist. Pedophelia is when you were attracted to children. That's the difference. When you're looking at pornography depicting children at, and you are sexually aroused by the thought of having sex with Children, You Are by definition a pedophile. You're not a rapist, you're not a criminal, but you are a fucking pedophile, and you can't argue against that. It's the definition of the word.
Dick: It's hard to argue that. I mean you can't argue it, right? But it goes to this pervasive mind readery that I try not to do, because when I'm playing Grand Theft Auto and then saying, “ well you're not a murderer.” I can't say I would never do it. It's the same thing. And also, the other reason I would not want to be a murderer is because it's illegal. Right? You know.
Mumkey: Who would you want to murder, dick?
Dick: Pretty much everybody! If I had a button where you could just hit it and someone would die and you'd get a million dollars, I'd have the money been I could dive into like Scrooge McDuck by the end of the day. Give me. Bam dead, bam dead, bam dead. Like the odds of it being my family or Sean is extremely low.
Sean: Take the risk.
Dick: Yeah. There is, but I just keep thinking that there's something different between - when you look at a painting, it makes a different part in your mind work. The difference between people doing something. Like if you saw people having a fight, and then you saw a painting of a battle, you're not processing that is real people. It's coming in as raw emotion. You know what I mean?
Sean: And how far removed from the physical - see this is all interesting stuff that I can't talk intelligently about. I would love to know if there is any science on that kind of stuff, what kind of parts of your brain are most…
Mumkey: well I think at the end of the day it's about the fantasy. Like at the end of the day you're just jerking your cock to this fantasy of something, and this is the only legal depiction of this thing that you can acquire probably. So whether it's the real goal or not, and there is a big difference. Child porn or real people, There is a real difference. People are being abused, it's terrible. You're right that nobody got hurt, but you was still are jerking your dick to the fantasy of having sex with a child, which is why I call you a pedophile. You're not breaking any laws, you're not hurting anybody, but you are still a dictionary definition of a pedophile.
Dick: Oh yeah, that's -without mind readers, that's inarguable. Then it makes me think of this. Like the cartoon Leela from Futurama, you look at her like all right, nice cans nice body, right?
Mumkey: Nice eyeball.
Dick: Yeah. Then I tried to imagine a real person with a gigantic eyeball like that, And I think I would be immediately repulsed.
Mumkey: It makes me even hornier thinking about that.
Dick: Yeah, like that's the only thing - the furry fucking people like Boneitis, some of the most talented - have you ever seen what they dropped, it's like Jesus fucking Christ.
Sean: No but I understand that furry art is like a huge Community. There are people who are exceptionally talented at it and sought after.
Dick: And then they go in their first suits and I think, “ that looks like a mascot for a Charlotte Hornets game.” This can't be - something else is going on in the mind where this is activating their sexuality at that is devoid of reality. So that's the only thing I guess I…
Sean: it's the only out I have!
Dick: Exactly. God I really hope that this is Divergent from reality in a significant way where I don't have to… I dunno.
Mumkey: I think the reason people are getting so defensive online about lollies in the furries and all that stuff is that they seem to think because we find it weird and we want to make fun of them, we also want to take it away from them. And I don't think that's what anybody saying. I agree with Digi Bros original idea of being upset. I understand why patreon would want to do that, but nobody is trying to take it away. We just want to point and laugh at you because you're weird.
Dick: Yeah. And it is also unfortunate that a reaction like that Is automatically assumed to be one of censorship. don't worry, I want you to do what you're doing because I enjoy making fun of people. I would like you to keep doing it because then we both get to do what we like. You get to do your weird degenerate shit, and we get to be bullies. It's a perfect fucking system. It's a perfect fucking system. Yeah alright man. Sorry to keep you waiting so much too by the way. I really wanted to talk to you for a long time.
Mumkey: Well I'm not a Patreoni, So how else am I going to listen to the show early?
Dick: Come hang out again and we'll talk. Kevin thank you for coming in.
Kevin: Yes thanks for having me man. Seriously.
Dick: Thanks for dropping by. I think my story is kind of railroaded. It's your fault.
Kevin: Yeah, I should have said something but you know.
Dick: This is escalated to a rap beef now. We've got people throwing down in the club Sean. I'm going to start writing songs about being in the club and throwing chicken wings and elbows in the club, calling the popo in the club. Right? All right everybody. Mumkey Jones where can people go to see you?
Mumkey:Youtube.com/IThinkIt’sJustMumkeyJones. I’m sure you’ll have a link to it somewhere.
Dick: Mumkey. You recently passed a hundred thousand subscribers too, didn't you?
Dick: 200000, excuse me. It's incredible. And now his videos are fucking great. They all have that slow burn and build when they starts at you know, pick up steam.
Sean: That's a fuck ton of subscribers.
Dick: A lot of people. Bigger than this Podunk basement podcast we’ve got going on here.
Mumkey: you guys make probably 30 times more money than me, so who's the real winner here?
Dick: Well us. All right, see you man.
Mumkey: See you.