Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Stephen Burch, Asterios Kokkinos, Izzy Nobre.
Transcription by /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
Sean: The fuck is going on?
Dick: You got a loose seal in there man. You’ve got some gaskets you gotta check out. Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you love Dick, you need Dick, you’ve got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest, coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I’m your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, Sean, the jalopy audio engineer.
Sean: Hello Dick.
Dick: What’s up buddy? He's falling apart. He's got all kinds of gases coursing through his veins and systems.
Sean: But it wasn't the burp. I'm just making noise. I don't know what's happening.
Dick: Those get you and embarrass you every time.
Sean: Yeah. You ever have that happened in your lower back? Like down by your tailbone? Like, “I didn’t fart!”
Dick: My spine has farts now? Where the fuck are the tubes there? What is this, did a tube get looped around my back bone during sex or something?
Sean: It starts in your mid-30s. Shit just starts falling apart and you are not liable for any of it. I don't know I just make noise now.
Dick: You do one too many twists, and then by the time you're 30 and intestine gets out of place and starts working its way around your body like a heart worm. I can't get but that back in place you motherfucker.
Sean: the good news is I'll be dead soon, so there's always that.
Dick: Do you remember when Diego was in here, and he thought that those deep internal burps were not audible to other people? So he was just sitting on a mic and it goes - it's like that creepy haunted house burp, you know?
Sean: How do I not remember that?
Dick: You don't remember that?
Sean: No. My memory is shot too, clearly now.
Dick: I don’t know if we were doing the show or not, but he's just sitting there watching, kind of half smiling with that look. Like what the fuck was that Diego? “What was what? I thought those were internal noises only. Ayyy. I'm sorry, I thought this was tinnitus. I didn't know this was a…” Speaking of Diego…
Sean: the human body was never meant to last more than 35 or 40 years. Because you've done what you're supposed to do by then probably.
Dick: It really is just trying to figure out how to keep things together. As soon as you hit that breeding age - as soon as you hit that reproducing part of the life cycle, that's where evolution stopped. Like you understand what I'm saying?
Sean: Yeah, that was the goal. That's all I needed to do.
Dick: As soon as your mutations took you to that point, the rest of your journey is not governed by natural selection of process of evolution, right? So you're on your fucking own. That's why orthopedics, and the space-age polymers, and the skin grafts, and the cortisol injections - that's where the technology takes over. The 13 and under crowd, God's on your side. He had it figured out. Millions of years brought you to this point. But from here on, my man science is coming to save the day. We need it, we need it, we need it. Desperately. Keep it fucking together. Dude, every week there's at least one point when I want the old MechWarrior readout of what my body is doing. Like the Yeager print out, the giant Pacific Rim computer schemata of what is damaged and how badly it's damaged, so I know what I'm working with. Like, “okay, the left tit is out we're going to have some problems with that. The boys are looking at it, but don't be swinging your arm around too much. Try to go on the right side. Try to go on your right side this week. Okay, we've got some testicle sensation, but it's nothing to worry about. Don't spend all of your week worried about that. Right? There's nothing to Google there yet. We’ll let you know though.” Fuck Fitbits.
Dick: I don't need to know how many steps I didn't walk today. All of them. I didn't walk enough steps, thanks Apple. How much does that cost?
Sean: Does he use bug you?
Dick: I don't have a Fitbit. Do you have a Fitbit?
Dick: Oh. What do you mean yours?
Sean: No, I thought you had a Fitbit.
Dick: Fuck no.
Sean: See, I just assumed that everybody who's wearing something that isn't a watch that looks like a watch is a Fitbit.
Dick: I don't know what this is. I wear this bracelet to monitor my heart rate.
Sean: So it literally only monitors your heart rate? That's all it does?
Dick: It could do more stuff, but I didn't spend all day reading fucking manuals about that shit. I got it working on stream. That's what I need. I need a Fitbit. I should probably save this for a bonus episode Because it's an invention, it's a man-vention. I need a Fitbit that tells me what's wrong, what's the likelihood of a tit going out or an ankle going out today, or risk getting shot today that I need to just put it in a sling all day. I need intoxication levels at all times, in a reliable method that I can read so that I know when to switch from liquor to beer. I need some kind of a horniness indicator, So I know that my thinking might be a little bit skewed. I need caffeine levels, because if you have one too many cups of coffee, you just feel like shit. You feel like a fucking toddler for the rest of the day, throwing a fit at yourself. That's what I need. I don't need steps. Steps are worthless to me.
Sean: So you're going to work on that for a bonus episode?
Sean: I like it. You usually have pretty good ideas.
Dick: You know what, that reminds me. Did you see the Facebook stuff with Congress this week? Mr. Zuckerberg goes to Congress?
Sean: (laughing) Mr. Zuckerberg goes to Congress.
Dick: Was that the funniest fucking thing?
Sean: Yeah. From what I read everything is so - I'm so done with reading news.
Dick: It's a gestalt of abuse and ridiculousness, the news. It's just a big mess. It's like everybody took all the crayon colors in the box and melted them together. The news now is the one marker that has any kind of juice in it left that scribbled through all the other markers, and it's this ugly color of death. It's like the swamp of fucking death that you think, what is that prick’s name? Who tends the river of Styx? That guy, the boat man?
Sean: I don't know. In what?
Dick: It's the color of the river - it's Greek mythology. I'm getting weird already today. That's what news is, just this ugly crappy crummy feeling inside of you, with the vague feeling that you're being brainwashed by an advertising company to spend money as often and is quickly and as immediately as possible, because the content they’re shoving down your throat is making you a fucking miserable.
Sean: Oh, it'll make you miserable. No doubt about that.
Dick: Oh God, those hearings were funny.
Sean: Were they? Do you want to talk about it?
Dick: Yeah. A bunch of baby boomers, like the dumbest people in America, Congress, asking Zuckerberg how Facebook works. “So if I'm using Whatsapp, can I talk to Facebook?” Like, that's your question? That's why we got this billionaire in here who controls all data in America? So you can ask tech support questions? You dumb motherfuckers. I mean it's great for the stock. Stock jumped up 5-7%, thank God. Good job on that guys, nice political theater to remind everyone to stop selling the fuck out of the stock. Thanks for that. Oh, the rest of it. Completely embarrassing. Completely embarrassing that these fucking morons would even open their mouths. “Mr. Zuckerberg,” and of course he's lying through his teeth the entire time. The entire fucking time. “How many people read the user agreement?” ”Well Senator, I’d have to check.” Okay. Hang him. Right there. Hang him for that. That's the Congressional hearing I want, just to complete Kangaroo Court where we bring everybody out there. Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, every single one of these oligarchs, we bring them out there, they've got to sit in a dunk tank with a noose around their neck, and if the lie is too big, if enough people at home have an app powered by Facebook where if you hit the bullshit button, fucking dunked. Just to keep them honest, right? Cybernetically speaking, we can keep these motherfuckers - because the lies are just - you didn't need to lie, “but of course Senator, no one reads it because it's just a bunch of legal gobbledygook that exist because everyone is just so stupid and entitled that they will sue for anything, so we have to write that. Do you want to know the truth? I don't give a fuck what people think about it. Neither do fucking you. Neither does anybody who uses it. Nobody fucking cares. Nobody, except that Trump won, so now that it's a big fucking deal. That's the truth.” Swear me and so I can give that answer, because everything else is just a lie. Oh, everyone cares about their privacy. The people asking you or the ones mining it! The NSA knows every goddamn thing everybody's doing in the country at all fucking times! And we're giving Facebook shit for running ads? I hate them obviously. “Privacy blah blah blah blah blah.” give me a fucking break! It was funny though.
Sean: Did you watch a lot of it?
Dick: Oh yeah. I watched it, because you can see - you know immediately which Senators are the complete idiots. “Uh, Mr. Zuckerberg, so the computer. Facebook's on the computer right?” Oh man, keep talking. Give them an extra 10 minutes.
Sean: Bring him up to speed. give him 10 to get up to speed.
Dick: Make him read the FAQ. Anyway, I thought it was funny. I want to see more of it. I hope he comes back, he's very entertaining.
Sean: He's done right now though.
Dick: I think so. They figured it out. They figured it out.
Sean: Good. I'm sure a lot of things will change. Right?
Dick: Okay. I've got some news this week. The trademark issue has been resolved.
Sean: It has.
Dick: The trademark for the biggest problem in the universe between Maddox and myself has been resolved. The big Federal, I don't know if it's a court case or whatever, bunch of lawyers filed documents to each other kicking the ball back and forth. It’s been resolved.”
(Dick starts the song)
Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, because his problems fucking suck! Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Maddox lost, Diiiiiiiiick iiiiiis the winnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Dick: Everyone's the winner. Everyone wins. Everyone wins on that one.
Dick: That feels great.
Sean: I'm sure it does.
Dick: I'm not going to lie. The lolsuit Still exists, but fuck that trademark. Winning that one feels really fucking good. There was a time - so Stephen Birch is my trademark attorney, and a dickhead who listens to the show. he reached out when everything started initially happening and saying, “hey, do you want help with this?” And my response was fucking yeah, obviously, because I don't know what I'm fucking doing. I can't. I can't do this. I don't know how to file all these documents. It was at the very last minute to that he reached out and saved the day. But because of it, Maddox does not have sole ownership of the biggest problem in the universe.
Sean: Which he should not.
Dick: Which crazily, looking back on everything now, it seems at the time - the trademark did not seem like that big of a deal. Right? Because my thoughts were, you know, I don't have access to the domain name. I can't restart it. I don't want this cocksucker to restart it, but it's still like he's just doing a podcast already. The name is…. Right?
Sean: in his world, for some reason, the name was like the secret to that podcast’s success. That's the only thing I can think of. And of course that's not the case.
Dick: Here's what I'm thinking now. That cocksucker Maddox was going to use that trademark as evidence that I was breaking laws on Patreon by mentioning it, by running the archives site at biggest.thedickshow.com, continuing to pay to host the episodes at Libsyn.
Sean: I mean if you want to give him that much credit.
Dick: Because you look back and look through all the emails that he was sending Patreon, throwing anything at the wall to see if it would stick to get my account revoked, and I think this would have been a big arrow in his quiver.
Dick: So thank fucking God that that didn't come to fruition.
Sean: Yeah. Turns out it could mean more than we thought it did.
Dick: Yeah. Stephen Birch is going to call in.
Sean: Oh good. He was on Nick’s show, wasn’t he?
Dick: Yeah. Nick was stealing my questions that I ask people.
Sean: Yeah, is that right?
Dick: Yeah. He was asking Steven what hand he jerks off with, if he was a tits or an ass man.
Sean: You're kidding?
Dick: Hey Rackets, Nick, do I have to trademark these fucking questions over here, what the hell is going on here? Asking about a tits or an ass man. Asking about how you jerk off. What's happening here? Whose show is this?
Sean: Does Mrs. Rackets know that you ask these kinds of questions?
Dick: yeah. Are you thinking about that all day, because I am. I need to know.
Sean: She'll be listening to that show to check up on you. This is what happens, all of a sudden you're a big shot on the interwebs, and now you're stuck…
Dick: he's going to be reading erotic stories from other lawyers.
Sean: Yep. Start getting fan mail. Start leaving in the middle of the night to run out for milk. Stuff like that.
Dick: What's that?
Sean: I don't know just, you know. Then Mrs. Rackets gets suspicious.
Dick: And then what?
Sean: I don't know. Marriage over. All because of the dick show, and he sues you.
Dick: Yeah, don't go too far.
Sean: Yeah, that's all I'm saying. You ask certain questions, it leads you down a dark dark path.
Dick: Right, don't be asking questions I would ask thinking it doesn't have an effect. You start doing that, that's how I get in there. That's how the demon gets in there, then he starts chewing the way your mind like a gerbil.
Sean: Then you're all demon.
Dick: So that's great. He's going to call in. Hopefully answer some questions about what the hell to do next. It's a huge relief. That's two losses for Maddox in a row. The restraining order was one big loss, a big fat ugly loss for him. And then the trademark is number two. Three strikes you're out of LA. that lolsuit goes down.
Sean: The third one should be an embarrassing strike.
Dick: Oh man it's Maddox at the bat. He's taking up, calling his shot. He wasn't putting his a game on in the restraining order, you know, cuz it's just his girlfriend he doesn't give a fuck. That's just a test. Whatever. He lets the first one go always. Let's see what the pitcher’s got. That balls got some heat on it. Yikes. Movement too.
Sean: That's the thing. Doesn't matter if it's a hundred miles an hour, these guys can time it, but if it moves it's got to move.
Dick: If that has some movement on it, no chance. Just close your eyes and swing away. Number two the trademark. He put some money into that one. He hired an attorney. The trademark Guy, Lawson. He hired an attorney. The guy couldn't make heads or tails of it though. You know? Why that is I don't know, just straight-up didn't respond to the last argument.
Sean: Oh, is that how it went?
Dick: Yeah. Basically a forfeit.
Sean: So basically, your team bat at the ball over the net, and then it just never got to play.
Dick: What happened was my side batted the ball back over the net, and then Maddox called a timeout and said he needed a month to figure out how to hit the ball. And then the month pass and he just never showed up.
Sean: So judgment rendered, done. Gave up on it.
Sean: Well I'd imagine that maybe resources are running kind of thin too.
Dick: Yeah, me too. I imagine that too Sean. Hehehehehehe.
Sean: It's fucking expensive.
Dick: Oh God, it's expensive. We'll be talking about that a little bit later. Asterios is doing a garage stand up.
Sean: Yeah, garage tours?
Dick: Yeah. A guy asked them what it would take for him to do stand up in his garage.
Sean: 20-piece McNuggets.
Dick: He said 400 retweets. I think it took about maybe 10 hours to get that one through. So Astereos is going to be doing stand-up at a guy's garage at Atlanta Georgia. So that should be - you know that should be a gigantic fucking neighborhood burning disaster. The National Guard will probably get called into town. Mumkey Jones is wanting to open for him already. That guy's call again so we can give him some tips on how to prevent damage from his personal property, and hopefully keep Asterios’s invoices down.
Sean: The guy who’s hosting Asterios is calling in?
Dick: Ryan. Ryan with the garage is calling in a little bit later. He's got to put Asterios on of yogurt budget or something. None of this business zone nonsense. Let’s see what else makes me rage this week. I'm going to get all the lawyers for all these things, and retire their sports jackets.
Sean: Yeah, get him some jerseys their last names on them.
Dick: Yeah. Kian Magana, right? LA Kings Maybe. Birch the Mariners... Wait, that's Seattle. What's Tampa? The Rays?
Sean: They're just the Rays no. They're not the Devil Rays.
Dick: Oh, that's why?
Sean: I believe so, yeah. I know they changed it and it just went to the Rays.
Dick: Whatever. Okay, I've got some things that make me a rage this week. This is probably closest to an old-school biggest problem episode. I've got a dumb one and a serious one. Cyber bullying, you want to start there? It has a little bit more meat on it.
Dick: This week there was a very stupid activist group called The Bully Hunters.
Sean: A show on fucking E or something?
Dick: yeah. A show on Twitch. They took it straight to you by having a show on Twitch. It was a bunch of chicks who are trying to fight cyberbullying in video games. They said if you were getting harassed…
Sean: in video games?
Dick: Sean?! We can't have women getting spoken to and derogatory ways on video games. in a polite Society…
Sean: Wouldn’t most cyberbullying in video games be guy on guy? Or guy on kid?
Dick: Of course. Unless you're going in there, talking about how much of a chick you are. It's the internet, who will fucking knows? You can just block anybody. Mute mute mute mute mute. I don't want to hear all this shit. It's the easiest a goddamn thing in the world. Easiest thing in the world.
Sean: As opposed to, “I should be able to hear everything, and never have anybody with a different opinion than me, or you know talk any shit.”
Dick: But it's not even an opinion. It's like getting called a fat or getting threatened online.
Sean: How do they even know if you're fat?
Dick: Well I mean, that's true. You know that they're fat.
Sean: Gamer stereotype You were really putting out there. Most of them are very fit.
Dick: Yeah yeah. So these girls started the bully Hunters group, where if you're getting bullied in a game, you ring them up and they'll show up like Fox Force 5 and hunt the bully down in your game. And really really kill them, really embarrass them, right?
Sean: Are they really good?
Dick: Yeah. Is there the elite gamers.
Sean: do they play as a team?
Dick: Yeah, it's their teamwork that allows them to dominate bullies so thoroughly. In a way that is somehow different than just playing the game. Right?
Sean: So they just find them and eliminate them using teamwork? And every time - if they're in a first-person shooter or something something, every time they respawn they just got killed again? Do they just do it?
Dick: I guess. They're just doing - have you ever played one of these games?
Sean: I have watched a lot of them.
Dick: It's just madness. You're just running around blasting everybody you come across.
Sean: Battlefield or Call of Duty, yeah I've seen those.
Dick: The entire premise of the bully hunting thing requires that you don't understand how these games are played to get on board with it. Like if you don't understand how the game is played, then perhaps you could understand like a matrix style Vendetta Squad of Femme Fatale Elite, you know. Just women who are sick of it Sean. Women who are just sick of it, and they’re spending - right?
Sean: but they're Mercenaries.
Dick: They're mercenaries for feelings, and they're going to show up and show the bullies who's boss. And then the bullies are going to go think about their behavior, because this is how people behave. I think that fundamentally talking like an Italian again, I was on my list show I noticed that I was doing a lot I don't know why. I think fundamentally that if you don't understand bullying and why it's fun, that you don't understand people. Because the women who are doing this – anybody who's anti-bullying always says the dumbest ship like you got to stand up to bullies. It's always some version of making them feel bad for their behavior. Right? Anybody who thinks bullying is a thing or a problem always uses some of it to fight the bullies, right? Because they don't understand, bullies feel bad all the time. Make them feel worse is not going to - the bad feeling is what drives the behavior, right? You don't dig your way out of a hole. Right? It's like you don't understand what causes it. It's all the same people who don't understand why it's so fucking fun, and why people fucking deserve it. You know what I mean? Like the reason you're getting laughed off the internet - the reason you're getting tea-bagged in a game is because you're a fucking dick and you have it coming.
Sean: Yeah. Usually I would think, not being a gamer myself, I would think that most people who get habitually bullied on a game probably do something. Because how else do they know? People don't just go randomly, “I'm going to bully that guy.”
Dick: Sean, it's an entire virtual world based on violence and aggression. It's the exact - talking shit to people is the entire point of what you're doing. You know what I'm saying? It's like if everybody was very witty and clever, there wouldn't be video games, we would just sit around roasting each other. Because it's better, it's like a more visceral feeling. I think that the whole thing is stupid. The whole cyberbullying movement is fucking dumb. The entire term harassment and digital harassment has lost all meaning. It's become a goddamn plague on the internet. Like-minded virus of this concept of bullying has infected people's thoughts so much that they can no longer just instantly think, “that's dumb.” like it's so big and so broad and so prevalent that every time you turn on the TV, every time I log into Twitter and have to see some kind of notice about bullying, that reaction within me to just reject it wholesale because it doesn't make any fucking sense has been beaten out of everybody.
Sean: Well now bullying is just listening to someone state a strong different opinion than you. You know?
Dick: You know what bullying is? This is what they're doing. Bullying is a bunch of crimes that are not being addressed. That's what it fucking is. It's not being at school and getting called fat tits a bunch, it's being in school getting called stinky and fat tits, and then getting knocked into a locker. That's a fucking crime. That never get stopped, that's why everything else is a problem. Because they can't stop the actual fucking crime part. Right? A bunch of goddamn School administrators who think that their worth is entirely dependent on figuring out the right magical phrase to fix the psychological damage from child abuse. And instead of handling it like a goddamn crime, which it is, they turn it into some psychologists nightmare of harassment and bullying. No, it's just words. It's just words until it's actually a crime, and then we have a whole fucking system designed for that.
Sean: Sticks and stones is long gone. It went from “Sticks and stones” to “words hurt.” They do but it's not a crime. Like you can get your feelings hurt with what somebody says to you, but it's not…
Dick: maybe you should. Like maybe you're choosing to do that.
Sean: It's not on the same level. There's a million reasons.
Dick: It's made me a rage. I'm turning into Judge Dredd. That's what we need, you know? Like any small infraction because we got so like, “well you know. Just so what if the guy is kicking the shit out of people, let's give him a second chance.” No, 10 years iso-cubes immediately. By initiating the physical fucking contact, you just fuck everything else that was fun. Like all the shit talking.
Sean: that's all lumped in with the violence.
Dick: Exactly. Exactly. So now we're so fucking demented that going online and doing a computer - getting a computer guy to squat on your face is the same as getting knocked the fuck out. Like, it's even worse, because there's an Infinity of how embarrassed you could be. There's a finite amount of how hurt you can be when you get punched in the stomach. Worst case scenario what, you break a rib?
Sean: Worst case scenario you die like Houdini.
Dick: Okay, maybe not. Maybe I'm wrong. But God it's fucked, and the suckers Paradise that were living in where companies - the second you get any kind of play something stupid like cyberbullying, companies will fucking dump money into it. Dump money. They got to get that sweet click. Those sweet views man. That sweet virtue signaled advertising. “Oh, you're doing something with cyberbullying? Well here's a fuckload of money. And actually we've got a bunch of special Hardware that we're going to sell just for you. We're going to have a whole fucking charity event of selling shit to morons who think we're stopping anything that is based on that one single crime that was not stopped.” Right? This entire fucking economy of victimhood that's built on one actual crime that never get stopped. That never get solved.
Sean: I like economy of victimhood. It's a good term. So many victims, everybody's a fucking victim.
Dick: And companies, they do it without fear of Retribution, because every time…
Sean: they are Shameless too. We stand with blah blah blah. The Virtue signaling with companies in the form of advertising is so embarrassing. It really is.
Dick: CyberpowerPC is, I think it's a big company because I knew about it before the stupid bully Hunter thing happened. They endorsed it or somehow their PR guy was talking about how he endorsed it, and then had a live stream of it where he says, “well it wasn't pitch to us like that, so we were misled. ”And I'm like that doesn't mean shit dude. But I go in the comments and what do I see? “You know that's good. At least I admitted something.” That's not fucking good enough. It does not fucking good enough! They still did in the first - do you not see that they're only regretting it because they got fucking caught?
Sean: Which ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that's the only reason anybody says anything.
Dick: They've got to be afraid. Companies have to be more afraid of what they endorse. Like how about never? How about you send everybody packing? All solicitors who have some kind of cause for you to get behind, send them fucking packing. Bend over backwards to prove to me why this had to have your money, your backing, and you are logo behind it. Because it kind of looks like you're just recklessly throwing your clout around, and as clout becomes - and as companies and celebrities clout becomes the entire way we make decisions - as the more control companies get who - the further they get to a direct mob democracy of if your hashtag is trending then we're going to do something about it, then fuck the principles of America that - “you know what? The hashtags trending so if you're 18 to 21 and you want a gun, go fuck yourself.” What the fuck? What the hell are you talking about? How about the reverse of that? Your hashtags trending but, I don't know it's kind of just a hashtag that all you pricks will forget about. You don't shop here anyway because none of you have jobs. You're out tweeting and twitching at 10 in the morning. Why don’t you get fucked? How about that response?
Dick: Yeah. Response to anything. #Marchforlife? Well our policy is #GetFucked. you can read about it at #GetFucked.com, where we just don’t endorse anything period. I guess it's not as funny as it could be. I don't know.
Sean: Well, that's not for us to decide.
Dick: It's so aggravating. Cyberbullying. So fucking dumb. You know long before the lolsuit came, 80s girl had a bunch of accounts started in her name and they would just say gross stuff like...
Sean: I never heard about that.
Dick: Yeah I never talked about it on the show because I don't want to embolden in people you know?
Sean: Like, “Oh that's an idea I didn't have before.”
Dick: Exactly. But so much has happened since. Like the restraining order has happened since then. Open threats to call her job to have her fired. So much has happened since then that it seems like nothing now. But I remember when it happened, it was like - yeah this is as clear of an example of cyberbullying that you could have. Real name, sexually explicit commentary about a person using their photo, and she was very upset by it.
Sean: Who would feel good about that?
Dick: Well me.
Sean: Well it's usually you doing it right?
Dick: Please, I don't engage in any kind of cyberbullying. But I remember even thinking the time like yeah it sucks, but you know so what? And I obviously didn't say that I put on the whole boyfriend routine. “So sorry your dog died (Dick mumbles)”
Sean: I'm glad that fucker’s gone!
Dick: Exactly! Sounds really rough for your mom. I hate that bitch. “Oh I'm so sorry your friends - oh wow you got dumped. bring her over.”
Sean: To the person it’s happening to at the time, it seems like a huge deal. But even if you're one step removed like you you're like,” I could see how that sucks but then people are going to forget. It's going to pass.” But it doesn't change how the person feels at that particular time, because it's real hard to have any kind of objectivity on that.
Dick: But you know what we have? We have wisdoms and sayings. We've developed them to train people to not listen to their emotions. Right? Like the whole fucking Bible exist to train people to not listen to their base instincts right?
Sean: We do, but it's so funny that they virtually never hold up when shit is severe enough.
Dick: Except we know to repeat them. You know? Like those ideas have lived for thousands of years, and I would say that maybe they’re major reason of why we haven't all fucking killed each other.
Sean: I think it's impossible to tell how much of an impact those actually have.
Sean: Because I'm more of the opinion that people think until they don't. And then it's just like the feeling takes over it. Because to me feelings and all that are much stronger than logic. Most people, they will act according to their instincts. I don't know.
Dick: I don't know either, but rhymes go a long way too. Like click it or ticket.
Sean: Rhymes, now you're not fighting fair.
Dick: We need a rhyme Bible to get rid of the cyberbullying bullshit. Like just step away don't be gay.
Sean: Yeah right. And also don't be gay.
Dick: Using their own language I'm saying. Using their own language. I don't know why it's upsetting so much. It makes me such a rage. Because it's dumb, it's fucking dumb.
Sean: I just think that in general the scope of what words and phrases mean has crept so much that a lot of it has lost all meaning.
Dick: Yeah, it's worthless now. I don't know what else. Oh, I got a stats for you. I'm going to try to bring him the stats more just because they're kind of interesting.
Sean: Yeah, I like stats.
Dick: Been bullied, 28% of US students say they've experienced bullying. Approximately 30% of young people admit to bullying others. But you know, it's horrible we can to have it anymore, even though a third of fucking kids are doing it. Give me a fucking break.
Sean: Are they like the same people just Trading? And then 2% just get shit on. You know what I mean?
Dick: Yeah, they're all picking on one kid.
Sean: They take turns. One kid bullies the other so it's like they’re swapping.
Dick: You come to school and you get assigned, like a cop, you got assigned a bullying partner.
Sean: Bullying buddy.
Dick: Yeah. Bully buddy. I don't know, I guess you sounds like an asshole for saying you don't care about it, but is it a fucking crime? Because that's what bugs me about it, that when the crime happens it's like we’ll let this one slide. Kick their fucking ass out of school. That's it. fucking stop it.
Sean: Yeah I mean, but kids aren't done cooking. You know we've talked about this. That kind of impulse control and things like that, it's not like an adult. It's definitely not like an adult.
Dick: You're right, it's almost like maybe we shouldn't have tried to build a big system to process them like they were some kind of homogeneous mob that could all follow rules exactly correctly. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't have tried to do that. Maybe we should just kind of unwind that and let people figure out their own shit. Right? That's idiotic though. 70% of the students report seeing frequent bullying online. So this is what they recommend: “Filling up your friend's Facebook feeds with positive post instead of negative ones can boost school high morality.” They're trying to turn your Facebook into an Eat Pray Love event. They're trying to turn it into Oprah. That's the part that makes me sick, because if I was a kid it would make me hate people. It would fuck with my brain to see that I am implicitly or an inherently there's something wrong with me everyday.
Sean: Because you don't feel the same way?
Dick: Yeah. Because it doesn't - because the negativity doesn't affect me. Like I remember being a kid and getting picked on. I remember having huge Foursquare arguments of these cocksuckers just abusing the rules, calling triple lines out to where - like are we even on the fucking court anymore? Where is this triple line? Because you just seem to be calling it as you see it, you asshole. calling outrageous rules. You know in Foursquare the king gets to make all the rules. Right?
Sean: Yeah, I don't remember playing it.
Dick: God, I love Foursquare. That was great, that was where beefs were settled, on the Four Square Court in second grade for me. And I remember very clearly that's cocksucker who was I guess a bully. Well I'm sure it was a bully. He would get in his King position, and then just called rules that would tag everybody out at will, right? Infinite boundaries, so the ball was never out. And Foursquare if you threw the ball out you're out. You're gone. Never ending boundary. You could peg people with no bounce. You could go for shoes. These types of - there were no holds barred in this guy’s reign of terror on the foursquare court. And I remember playing by the rules, like, (Dick mumbles) “Oh I’m really - I’m gonna fuck this idiot.” Reign of terror ends today, guys. I’m gonna fuck this guy up. I'm just got a good feeling about today. Today is a good day. Today is a good day to die on the Four Square Court. I don't know what it's going to take. I'm going to talk shit the entire time, and get in his fucking head. Right?
Sean: Now what's a second grade Dick shit-talking episode sound like?
Dick: stuff like, “I'm calling triple boundaries.” “Eh, that’s because you need them, man. Because you can’t keep it in. Because you got no talent at this. You’re a joke. Your entire reign is a joke. It’s built on these - you can’t play it like a man. You can’t play foursquare like a man.”
Sean: Second Grade Dick.
Dick: Yeah. “You can't do it. You don't have it in you.” He's getting pissed off. I know he's getting pissed off. I get in the second Square, it's the service Square. It's where foursquare has to go right to the second Square. It's like table tennis, you have to go across way. And I remember this motherfucker, like it was clear as day, all pissed off. I'm talking shit the entire time like, “let's go! Come on! You call these throws? People are just getting up and walking away, you haven't knocked the guy over yet all day. You throw like a girl, motherfucker.”
Sean: Now he's trying to repeat these rhyming Expressions. They keep him from violence in his head, but I have a feeling it's not working.
Dick: I'm sure he went home every day and got the shit kicked out of him, looking back on it. He whines up and throws it so fucking hard at me that I dodged, like the Matrix. And I'm thinking ah fuck, no, that's it. It's triple lines, and he's going to say it's in no matter what, and of course it's like Kings rules for Foursquare. This girl was walking across the grass, and got hit with the ball. And because of that automatic out. Disqualification. Right? So I said, “You’re dis-fucking-qualified. you're out, you're out. That's it.” Everybody starts cheering, everybody clapped and everybody cheered. The school bell rang as I’m still laughing. The guy walks over, socks me. I fall down, and then he picks me up by my penis.
Sean: (Sean laughs) This is true?
Dick: This is a true story of bullying.
Sean: Was the kid like a monster? He’s like the huge kid.
Dick: Yes! He’s gigantic! He's gigantic trailer trash, looking like a pig pen every fucking day. Piece of shit. I think his name was Zach. fucking cocksucker. So he comes over, Wham. Like okay, I kind of had that one coming. “Well! What in the fuck is this?” Picks me up from my cock, and drops me down in the foursquare Court. I remember thinking, you know - I remember thinking that was the problem. The cock picking up with the problem. Everything else before it was great. Everything else before it, the heated shit talking, the harassing, whatever that they're trying to stop was good, And great, and people celebrated because the bad guy lost. IT BROUGHT JOY TO PEOPLE!
Sean: It brought happiness to at least two other people.
Dick: Yeah. And then the violence began. It's so fucking clear which part was wrong. It wasn't the speech you idiots. It wasn't the goddamn speech. I don't know. I don't know if any of that's funny. I remember it as clear as day though.
Sean: Oh, I would imagine.
Dick: And I felt great. Even getting picked up by my cock. It got stretched out too.
Sean: Well I was going to say. You should probably thank him.
Dick: It was normal size before that. When you're young you have very elastic skin, you know. Anyway. I'll let me play a song first. Then tell you what else makes me rage. Sean’s sisters are in the studio, by the way.
Sean: That's the laughing your hearing.
Dick: That's the laughing your earring. How are you guys doing?
Sean’s Sisters: Good.
Dick: Is it weird? Do you want to get on the mic at all? Do you want to tell a weird story about Sean? Do you have any embarrassing stories about Sean? Wait wait, put that mic on.
Sean: I can't.
Dick: (Laughing) You can't. Sean is the oldest of all you. I've all the four kids.
Sean: Yeah. I think some of the listeners know about my brother. He went to a road rage in Chicago.
Dick: Yeah. He’s fucked, but you guys are great.
Sean’s Sisters: We’re awesome.
Dick: Can you please turn that on?
Sean: I gotta set a track up.
Dick: Okay. Set a tract up. I'm going to play a song, you can set a track up.
Sean: I can't do it while you're playing a song.
Dick: Okay. I'm going to play a song first, and then I want to ask you guys some questions.
Dick: I'm going to play the “I'm a Cuck” one. This is ChucknVee. Tell me if I played it before. I don't think I have.
(Dick starts the song)
Hey, this is ChucknVee everybody, Coming at you with, “Now I’m a Cuck.” Based on that Radiohead song. who remembers Radiohead? Radiohead. I never thought I was cool enough to listen to Radiohead. That ever happened to you? Radiohead - Lake Howard Stern too, I'm not cool enough to listen to that show.
(Dick stops the song)
Dick: All right, all right, all right. set up a new track.
Sean: Alright. Come over.
Dick: Who wants to be on this one?
Sean’s Sisters: I’ll be on this one, because I’m gonna be a regular now.
Sean: You better be very fucking careful what you say.
Dick: You can bring the chair over. You can bring your folding chair over. There you go. You got it. Welcome to the program.
Sean’s Sister #1: Thank you.
Dick: We have a saying in the studio. Get on the fucking microphone.
Sean’s Sister #1: Sorry it's my first time.
Dick: No that's okay. Everyone does it. Even seasoned professionals can't stay on the fucking microphone. This is your smallest sister?
Sean: Yes. This is the youngest sister.
Sean’s Sister #1: Smallest?
Dick: Yeah. Excuse me, youngest sister. What's your earliest memory of Sean, the audio engineer?
Sean’s Sister #1: I think putting a cereal box over my sister's head.
Dick: For what reason? Why would he do that?
Sean: Because I'm a bully.
Sean’s Sister #1: Yeah. I don't know.
Dick: Just to terrorize her?
Sean’s Sister #1: I think so.
Dick: Is that what he would do when you guys are going up? I always saw him as kind of a fatherly like - he would dispense wisdom and be a protector, and be a really nice guy. Are you saying that's not true?
Sean’s Sister #1: I think he would teach us dirty words to church songs.
Dick: To church songs? Like what, do you remember them?
Sean’s Sister #1: How does that one go?
Dick: What song are you trying to sing?
Sean’s Sister #1: Like he would put the word queer in.
Dick: (laughing) Homophobic. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
Sean: Do you remember - We used to play a game smear the queer. Like the teachers knew about it. That was fine.
Dick: BECAUSE IT DIDN’T MEAN - IT MEANT WEIRDO TO US! Like it didn't mean anything else, which it still means.
Sean’s Sister #1: I can't think of the song right now.
Dick: He would teach you dirty lyrics To Like try to get you in trouble? That kind of thing?
Sean’s Sister #1: Yeah. And he…
Sean: it wasn't to try to get them in trouble, it's because it was funny.
Dick: It was fun. Just trying to pass the time.
Sean: Well I mean I think we thought the other one was here with the middle finger was. We were at my grandma's house and she didn't want to come in for dinner. She was riding a little Geoffrey giraffe, this little 3 wheeled Toys R Us thing. It was like a tricycle up and down the sidewalk. “Time to come in,” you know, didn't want to. Then my dad went in and picked her up off the thing and put her down in the house, and she just stood there screaming with her middle finger out like, “YOU SEE THIS DAD? YOU SEE THIS?!”
Dick: you remember that?
Sean: It was one of my favorite stories.
Dick: What did you tell her that it meant?
Sean: Who knows, I can't remember.
Dick: “I don't like you?”
Sean: Something like that. My grandma told that story over and over again.
Dick: Did you guys ever get in any fist fights?
Sean’s Sister #1: No, because he's almost 10 years older than me.
Dick: Yeah. What have been too easy for him probably.
Sean’s Sister #1: Well I would have kicked his ass, yeah.
Sean: Yes she sounds like an old pro on this, great.
Dick: Any weird stuff that Sean would do? Like any - you caught him doing a Buffalo Bill Dance or something in the bathroom one time, or something like that?
Sean’s Sister #1: Yeah. And it was a weird Because I was waiting for - to see his penis and then it never, yeah.
Sean: I don't think she knows how this show works.
Dick: How about for real? Do you remember any real stuff that Sean would do?
Sean’s Sister #1: I don't know. He's a pretty upstanding gentleman. Nothing weird.
Dick: If my sister came in here, she would have a hundred stories about…
Sean: would she really?
Dick: Oh God, she remembers everything. My fucking sister still tells the story to this date of when she was riding home on the school bus after elementary school, and she saw that my car - I had wrecked my car and she saw that it was destroyed in the driveway, she's like, “yes that fucking idiot wrecked his car.”
Sean: Well this is like when you're older.
Dick: How old? She was like 11.
Sean: How much younger is she than you?
Dick: Four or five years, something like that.
Sean: You don't know?
Dick: Well it's always in between. We weren't born on the same day you prick. Four and a half. Either 4 or 5. Nothing weird. Nothing weird. Sean and his love for music, did he sleep with his guitars because he loves music so much? Did you do anything weird like that?
Sean’s Sister #1: I honestly - no.
Sean’s Sister #1: I've got nothing. It's just on the spot.
Dick: I think about it.
Sean’s Sister #1: Oh, I'm going to.
Dick: Think about it. See if anything weird pops up in the deep recesses of your mind.
Sean’s Sister #1: Oh, you don't want to go there.
Dick: Yeah, I want some good stuff. Did you ever think that he would be the sex icon with his V-neck shirts?
Sean’s Sister #1: Of course, yeah. No that's - I grew up with…
Dick: Was his handsomeness a problem for you was a little girl? Would all your friends finger blast themselves to him and stuff, and just talk about how hot he was and stuff?
Sean’s Sister #1: Finger blast? That's amazing. I'm so glad that's going to be in my repertoire now, thank you.
Dick: Were they ever like, “I really want to know what Sean's dick looks like.”
Sean’s Sister #1: I did have two friends who are big fans of Sean.
Dick: Oh yeah? How old were they when - oh, don't answer that. We've had too much to talk about that on the show recently. What would they say?
Sean’s Sister #1: He is hot. He's tall he's, yeah he's hot.
Dick: What they try to get you to set him up? To take his shirt off and stuff? Like, “see if you can get him to take his shirt off.”
Sean’s Sister #1: No. Sorry.
Sean’s Sister #1: No.
Dick: He's so hot. What else? What were the names? Do you remember their names?
Sean’s Sister #1: I do, but I can't…
Dick: Are they single? What do they look like?
Sean’s Sister #1: Beautiful.
Dick: Oh, they're both beautiful?
Sean’s Sister #1: Yeah. They're my friends.
Dick: Oh, okay. All right. Thank you very much. See if you can remember anything.
Sean: No clue it in. She's on the next one.
Dick: Whisper it to her.
Sean’s Sister #2: Next time. Let me think. I'll have a few things.
Sean: You also said her name too.
Dick: Yeah, good job.
Sean’s Sister #1: Well, it was an alias.
Dick: Yeah, there you go. All right, get out of here. Oh Izzy, you want to talk? Hey Izzy, what's going on?
Izzy: Hey buddy how's it going? It's been awhile.
Dick: Good. It has been a while. Last time you called in the audio was a bit fucked up. Dude, I got sucked into your videos about Gameboys. This mother fucked is he has a custom-made Game Boy. Like he got it custom-made.
Sean: Like legit custom-made?
Dick: Yeah, from a guy whose entire business is custom making game boys and making them perfect. Perfect just for you.
Sean: But does he take an existing Gameboy?
Dick: Yes. He takes parts – Izzy, is that right? He takes Japanese Game Boys and…
Izzy: so what he does - I met him on Reddit like most of my social interaction. And he will post up on his little subreddit like his works, and then people will either by the ones he already has in stock, or you can custom make one from scratch like what I did. Like there is one specific model of the Game Boy Pocket that I think looks really nice, and there's a few things I wanted added to it, and I just had a back and forth on Reddit. I sent him the money, which is an odd transaction, Because there's nothing accounting this guy to actually deliver the goods, I just know him from Reddit. But that goes to show how the free market doesn't work. Because if the guy does scam me he's not going to get business in the future, right? So it all worked out well, I didn't throw my money away. He sent me the Game Boy, like the completed thing after 3 weeks or so. It's great, I love it. I'm actually impressed that you're into that, because whenever I'm into these Gameboy videos I'm always like, “Who's actually going to watch these things? It's just some random Manchild talking about his old game boy he loves.”
Dick: It's fucking weird.
Sean: I thought you were talking about dick.
Dick: Yeah! Me too. It is weird, like I got sucked in like “God I really want to know more about this fucking Game Boy.” I have never been as happy or as excited as when that first gray motherfucking brick rolled off the line. Oh, Alleyway and Super Mario Land, and those shitty little graphics. Reliving that by watching your videos, I feel like the wife and sixth sense, just watching our wedding video over and over, passing out drunk after her husband's dead. Like, ”Oh Izzy, tell me more about this Game Boy. Tell me more about the anticipation of this fucking game boy that you now have in your life.”
Izzy: I didn't know that side of you that you were also a Gameboy fanatic. That's really cool.
Dick: Yeah, I was about that time. I still remember when I sold it to a guy, that was a big mistake.
Izzy: I threw mine out in the garbage, so I've got you beat there.
Sean: On purpose? (Yes)
Dick: You know what I do still have is my TurboGrafx Express.
Izzy: That wasn't very popular in North America.
Dick: No. I was a video game hipster. Like I was all about TurboGrafx and Bonk's Adventure. I was like, “Oh, Mario is good for you, but I'm more of a Keith courage kind of guy. You probably haven't heard of it.”
Sean: Never heard of it.
Dick: You don't know anything about the alpha zones. You don't know shit. You're stuck in the Mushroom Kingdom with the children and the 8-Bit color palette. I've got fucking laser swords and Bonk’s Adventure. You're fucked, you can't hang with my TurboGrafx 16. You can't hang with all my bits.
Sean: Who made that?
Izzy: The most exposure North America got to the system I think was Will Smith's Enemy of the State, right? In the movie he has one. The portable version. He uses it to view some footage of a guy killing some politician or whatever. It's a big plot point in the movie. But in the movie they make it seem like this thing can run multimedia. They made it seem like you can watch movies on it or whatever. It was never a big system in North America.
Dick: But it did have a TV tuner. Oh my God my TurboGrafx 16 Express and the TV tuner, like I was going around…
Izzy: You were a hipster.
Dick: Yeah man, I love that thing. I took it everywhere. Just watch fucking TV on an old tuner. It's great. The battery life was about 20 minutes, but the thing was like - I was like Linus, that thing was like my blanket. Anyway, you had something to say about bully hunters? I know you did a video about it.
Izzy: I did a video on it, and it did really well for me because I was one of the few people - I think everybody else was busy with some stuff. I was doing nothing that day so I was going to bring out a script and try to get this out of the door, because there was something to be said about being the first one out with the story because it really helps with the YouTube algorithm, right? Because as more people start talking about it and interest on that grows, people who got theirs out first are in a better position to be like showing up on the related videos, so that video - like my YouTube channel, my English YouTube channel it's pretty small? I'm a small Creator just getting out there. It's great to see a video doing that well. I’m not used to seeing, you know, seeing six digits in the views for a video. Yeah, but it was a complete clusterfuck of - we say the word epic very loosely, but that was. Because in the video I mentioned that I would give it a week before if this thing was absolutely obliterated, and it was to be remembered only is one of 2018 funniest fuckups, right? And I overshot that by like 2 Days later the whole thing had shut down, and the companies backing it had threw the event under the bus. The page was gone, the page is no longer there. Steelseries, Vertagear. All of these entities that were like, “oh yeah this is a good idea and we're going to put our brand name out there with this message.” They were like, “oh, this did not work out.”
Dick: Yeah, they're testing it. They're always testing the limits of what we're going to believe is unacceptable Behavior.
Izzy: I think I - sorry dick I cut you off, what were you saying?
Dick: People are coming up with new initiatives and new activist campaigns to somehow make men feel bad and boys feel bad. They're always trying to figure out new ways to police everything, and this is the new - like, it's never going to stop. This idea of harassment and bullying will never go away, just like the wage gap will never go away no matter how many studies are done, no matter how many surveys are done showing that it doesn't fucking exist at all. It will never go away because it drives clicks and it makes people money. And it fucking sucks.
Izzy: The thing about bully Hunters that I find more… the thing that was funniest about that is that they didn't seem to understand the game that they were reporting to be like, “oh no, this is our jam.” I covered this in the video, I'm not sure if you guys talked about this. I jumped into the conversation here, you guys were like halfway in, so I'm not sure if he covered this, but none of what they described would work as described in Counter-Strike for a lot of different reasons.
Dick: I said that at the beginning. It's like, you have to not understand any of these games to think that the stupid proposition would work.
Izzy: Like if a bully comes in, you would have to be first of all on the same team as the bully for that to work as described. So if a bully hunters joined and was like, “okay I'm going to school this guy and teach him a lesson for bullying you.” But the thing is you can't hunt somebody in a game like Counter-Strike, you're going to be shooting whoever wanders across your screen, so you're just as likely to kill the bully as you are to kill the guy who's being bullied. How does that help the situation? Even if it did - even if you were able to hunt specific users down in the game and then you shoot them, then what? That’s the 500th time the guys been shot in the face in this game today. How does that have any impact to him? How is this going to teach him a lesson about not bullying?
Dick: You know what I just realized? It's our duty as Americans to take advantage of these peoples idiotic desires of stomping out bullying. You know what I mean?
Sean: That's how you appeal to the feelings.
Dick: Yeah. Like all of these things that I'm always bitching about, bully hunting, going to Mars, that's like praying on these weird desires that people have, we need to be exploiting them more, not shutting the people down who are doing it. Let's give them - you want to bully hunt? Let's give them a fucking bully hunting game. we don't need a male protagonist out solving mysteries and saving the world, we need - that movie enough should have been a fucking video game, not a movie, where you can just go around like Dexter, avenging the honor of women who have been caught called fat online. That’s the game. And then you pay to play, like it has the most aggressive…
Izzy: I think you're on to something.
Dick: Monetizing system in the game. Like you got to pay 10 bucks right now, or this virtual woman is going to be called smelly and stinky, or told she can't code. She's going to be disenfranchised from getting into STEM unless you pay 10 bucks right now.
Sean: This needs a thousand likes I'm going to kill this bunny.
Dick: Yeah, exactly. This is what we need to do. Fucking Sally Struthers, didn't she do you're helping this kid for 4 bucks a day or something like that? Was that her? Feed this African kid for - but it's got to be targeting these people, because they clearly have money in time. And it's Our obligation to do it. Or someone else will.
Izzy: So I'm expecting by the time this episode is out, there's going to be some mockups of, what would you call this game Dick?
Dick: Gosh, I don't know.
Izzy: I want to see some screens of very obnoxious buy now, buy however many virtual coins or this woman will be called fat online. $9.95 for…
Sean: Save the whales.
Dick: Hahaha! Save the whales! That's the game!
Izzy: So it's like for a package of a hundred tipped fedoras, it's like $9.99. every time a woman is harassed in CS:GO or whatever, or is told she can't code, you tip a fedora and then a timer starts for 5 minutes and nobody can harass this woman anymore.
Dick: And they'll go compliment somebody else. it's like carbon emission credits, but for getting her ass - It's like a foundation that will offset the harassment on mine, which is being done on scales that we can't even imagine, Sean. You pay money to us, and we'll pay very gorgeous sexy hunks to go around and compliment women...
Sean: Sexy semen?
Dick: Sexy semen. We’ll have a whole system. You can bid on which guy that’s gonna go do it. It’ll be like Chippendales. You know, Chippendales meets carbon emissions. Save the whales. That’s my new foundation. Alright man.
Sean: You’re gonna get a lawsuit.
Dick: What makes you a rage Izzy? Anything? By the way, Izzy posts all these pictures of what he does all day. He’s got this beautiful girlfriend that’s in a lot of them. Oh my god. Where did you find - was this a fan of yours? This girl that you’re with now?
Sean: Where are you? You’re in South America, right?
Izzy: Yeah. I’m from Brazil, right? I moved here when I was…
Sean: God, it’s not even fair.
Dick: Yeah. No.
Sean: Columbia and Brazil.
Izzy: No, she was actually a fan of my show, and then we met. Like years ago we became close friends and then when I became single is was like, “Hey. how’s it going? Like those shoes. How’s your relationship with your dad?”
Sean: Good for you.
Dick: Good for her!
Izzy: She was one of the first people that when i reached out - when i became single, Dick was one of the first people that i reached out to, because I’m like - dude, this happened to me. You’ve helped me in a lot of ways that you don’t even know through your funny anecdotes. What would you have to say to me, and he kind of steered me in the right direction, and yeah. I can’t thank you enough actually.
Dick: Yeah, that was a rough email. I didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it. So Izzy, you got divorced? Like you were married?
Izzy: I was married up until last year, and like things didn’t work out. And I was kind of like in the dumps as anybody would be, like a long 13-year relationship, but then i started working on myself, realizing that this is just what had to happen. I had to grow out of that and improve myself. That was a thing. Try to push away any feelings of bitterness. I’m gonna try to improve myself and this is the life - the hand life dealt me, so I’m gonna do the best with it. You know, the best I can with.
Dick: That was a rough email. I was walking to the - i was in downtown. I was walking to (?), and I think i got - every once in a while I get an email and when somebody sends it I’ll have the ability to respond right away. And that was one of them. It was like - you were in a bad spot I would say. Not too bad, but it sucks.
Izzy: But I was like, oh man, life sucks right now.
Dick: And i remembered responding - what do you say in a situation like that, right?
Sean: You just kind of remember one of those rhyming platitudes.
Dick: Yeah, right? I sent him a picture of a “hang in there”cat. Like, “Here, I found this on Reddit. Hang in there,”with a little kitten. And then I think you responded, but I was drunk when I saw the response, and I thought I’ll get to this later, but I want to help Izzy out. Then flash forward to like 2 weeks later and I’m just like, “SHIT! I never answered that email!”But then the next time I saw him, he had lost a shit load of weight and he’s got this beautiful woman in all of his Instagram shots.
Sean: Holy shit.
Dick: Yeah. Whose idea - was that your idea or her idea to be in all those Instagram shots?
Izzy: Whenever I’m out I always take pictures of whoever’s with me, and she’s with me a lot, so she’s always kind of there. She shows up in a lot of my Brazilian vlogs. I do a lot of - on my English channel, I do a lot of “this is what’s stupid on the internet today,”or “This is my fancy Gameboy.”But on the Portuguese side of things, I do a lot of day-to-day vlogging. She’s there a lot too.
Dick: Yeah. She seems nice. Kinda nice looking. Seems nice in her eyes. You can tell crazy eye. Seems nice. Hey, are you coming down to like Twitch-con or something?
Izzy: It’s June 20th I’ll be down there with a bunch of other YouTube people, it’ll be fun.
Dick: Okay. I want to be in some of your instagram pictures. What makes you a rage?
Izzy: You know when you call like services, and somebody - it like goes to their voicemail and they say like, you know, “Dial this to reach me at so and so.” But they speedrun through the number. Like 4-3, blah, blah, blah. And you’re like, “wait a second, I didn’t even know I’m gonna have to take notes on this.” Whenever I leave a message to somebody and they leave a number, I annunciate very slowly, and I say it a little bit more - and then I say again my number is.
Sean: Yeah. That’s the proper etiquette.
Dick: And also I don’t bombard them with what i want to talk about in this meandering neverending tale like a choose your own fucking adventure that never ends of why i want to talk to them. “Hey it’s me, call me back, my number is,” and i have a whole different - i talk like a robot when I'm doing it, like, “Hey, this is Dick, call me back at… Klondike 555,”just fucking get ready - give them a pause to figure this shit out. Think about what you're doing, and if there's another person on the other end that has to react to what you're doing to make it successful, it's not just you, you don't just get to punt everything in life.
Sean: Say the number twice, God damn it. It'll drop out, it might drop out.
Izzy: The reason this activates my almonds even extra is because I'm from Brazil, and Portuguese is my main language right? When it comes to numbers, this is a really interesting phenomenon that the bilingual dickheads might be able to pitch in on this, when it comes to numbers like math and numbers, I still say it in my mind in Portuguese, right? Like the numbers don't - I just because you learn numbers so early in life that that is just baked in, right? so when I do math I have to say it to myself in Portuguese. When I say phone number sometimes I have to do in Portuguese as well. So when somebody just has a whole bunch of numbers in English…
Dick: do you tip in Portuguese too? Like do you figure out tips in Portuguese?
Izzy: Brazilians don't tip.
Dick: That was the joke. Yeah, sorry keep going.
Izzy: I'm arranging a bunch of things here and having to make some phone calls and stuff but like, it really pisses me off that every time - do these people - I didn't even have paper. I didn't expect to have to write something down on my phone, it's not like I can use the phone dialing thing to go in and type it up so I can have it, you know what I mean? It really pisses me off, and I don't know why people do this.
Dick: Because they're idiots. And do they need to be harassed until they do it properly. They need to be Cyber Bullied.
Izzy: You know my game is free on the PS plus right now dick?
Dick: no, I haven't downloaded your game. I've Just Seen screenshots.
Izzy: Just get it right now, it's free, it's on the house.
Dick: All right, I'll go get it. What's it called? Where do I go to get it?
Izzy: 99 Vidas. V-I-D-A-S. It's Portuguese for lives, it means 99 lives.
Dick: Alright, 99 Vida.
Izzy: Vidas. Life. 99 lives. It’s a beat-em-up. There’s a bunch of characters - a bunch of playable characters so you can kick ass with me, or you can get me punched in the face virtually.
Dick: Cool. Can you harass women at all? Can you bully them in the game at all?
Izzy: Liz women characters in the game, so I suppose if that's what you're going for your going to be beating on them in the game I suppose.
Dick: Alright, I'll check it out then. But only because of that. Alright Izzy, I'll see you in Anaheim. See you buddy.
Izzy: see you Sean.
Sean: See you Izzy.
Sean: It's been a long time since we talked to him.
Dick: Yeah it has. He does have good videos. That accent I find very pleasing to listen to.
Sean: You know, he doesn't have a very heavy accent really.
Dick: That's perfect. I found myself listening…
Sean: it's like Diego doesn't either.
Dick: No, it's just enough. Like it's just enough to keep me from spotting all the problems with it and getting too familiar with it, and then hating what I'm listening to. You know what I mean? Let me see here. I have an erotic story here. You know what, let me read this one, because it's 4/20 related and we are coming up on 4/20, I’m sure you already knew that. Here's an erotic story.
(Erotic story riff) “The Dick show presents: erotic stories from real men.”
Dick: Okay. All right all right. It's been a long time since I read one of these.
Sean: It's been a few weeks.
Dick: Special 4/20 erotic tale.
Sean: Yeah that last one had a little Zinger near the end there.
Dick: That fucked up last one. That last one was bullshit. This one is real. I read it in advance to make sure that it was real. I didn't stop reading when I knew it was juicy. I didn't read just the end, I read the entire thing.
“Dear Dick, the names faces and some specifics have been changed to protect the guilty. Call me Ishmael, on the surface I'm a regular guy, But I seem to have a fetish for fatties/whales.”
Dick: A theme of today's show.
“my wife is in excess of 250 lb, and up until recently she was aware that my girlfriend wasn't too far behind.”
Dick: WOAH! This guy's a rancher. Wow.
Sean: Yeah. A rancher.
Dick: Look at him, he's got a whole pod. He's Captain Ahab. He's Ishmael. Oh I get it. A whale Hunter.
“Let's set the stage, and no this is not a F*ck Whales joke.”
Dick: Thank you.
“I have a boring day job, and for years I would go home to a boring wife and our three boring kids.”
Dick: But It'll happen. Bummer. What do you do?
Sean: I wonder how many people feel that way. “Oh man, I got these kids but I wish I didn't.”
Dick: Everybody's got to feel that at some point right? You just think your life is chiseled away.
Sean: One of them has two kids.
Dick: Oh yeah? You ever feel like this?
Sean’s Sister: Not really.
Dick: if you didn't, you probably wouldn't have said really.
“I hated my life so bad I decided to spice things up. Me and a buddy of mine, we’ll call him Queequeg, decided to try our hand at growing and peddling marijuana. After just over a year, we’ve done well enough to rent a single bedroom house in the edge of town and set up a hydroponic grow house. I won’t dive into numbers, but suffice it to say we started making significant amounts of money. Enough to require laundering. Things weren’t going great.”
Excuse me, they were going great.
“Except it wasn't enough after a year of that arrangement. I got used to it and thrill went away. So I decided to try my hand at cheating. I got on Craigslist and eventually found the right combination of words that would get chicks to respond. I had one or two one-time hookups. But it was when I met Kate that I started having real fun. Kate wasn't as big as my wife, but she was still plenty thick.
Dick: How do you start that convo with a big girl?
Sean: Hey I have 10 tons of free krill. You look like you like to eat.
Dick: Oh yeah, you think that will work?
“ Most women on the internet who described themselves as HWP must think it stands for harpoon with penis.”
Dick: I don't know what that means.
“Not all women are built to carry weight and look good, but Kate was. If normal cans are a situation, you'd call these cans emergent. And the juiciest hips and ass a guy could ask for. But still that hourglass waist and a cute redheaded hazel-eyed pouty lips perfectly freckled face, that didn't suffer due to the extra pounds. A chubby chasers dream.
Dick: See, everyone was all pissed off about Digibro, do you think they’re going to give this guy any flak?
Sean: I don’t know.
“Her cuck of a boyfriend stopped paying attention to her when she put on the weight preferring to spend his time jerking off the cartoon characters and posing for pictures with his vintage Pokemon cards.”
“ and his mouth hanging open like it was awaiting horse cock. We traded emails, nudes, phone numbers.
Dick: So much fucking work. so much fucking work today. we traded emails, phone numbers, nudes.
Sean: He’s got a bunch of panoramic pictures on his camera.
“And after hooking up, But a cheap motel a couple times to bang I let it slip that might I might have a 4/20 connection and before you know it we switch to banging on a bare mattress on the floor of my rental house.
Dick: This guy's like a drug kingpin. Right? He’s brought his mistress into his drug den - his hydroponics farm. On a mattress.
Sean: It’s like a - they used to call them box spring hogs in the service.
Dick: They did?
Sean: Yeah, it’s just like these disgusting whores. It’s like a room and a - no! But it was like a…
Dick: That’s this guy’s life here.
Sean: I know, but there’s a term called box spring hog.
Dick: Really? In the military?
Sean: Yeah. I think back around Vietnam time. Korean war, Vietnam time.
Dick: Before we started having trouble in the middle east.
Sean: Yeah, I think so.
“The hookup turned Into a relationship. One afternoon after a productive Harpoon session, she confided in me that she was insecure about her weight. I’m a lift and I've been a fatty in the past so I told her about how I lost weight and we discussed weight-training etcetera. When we got to the part about leg day I confidently told her that I could leg press over 300 pounds, and in fact, could easily do squats with her on my back.
Dick: Hmm, uh oh.
“She balked, “No you can’t I’m too heavy,” which is chick speak for, “If you can actually do it, I’m gonna suck the Dick clean off of you like spaghetti noodles.” We stood up, and i knelt down while she climbed on top of me for a piggyback ride. I actually did 2 squats before deciding to really impress her with a deep one, nearly putting my ass on the floor. When I went to stand up, I felt an unmistakable tearing sensation down in my nuts. I had just experienced what I later learned was a hernia. The banging was clearly over. I rushed to the ER and they confirmed my fears. So when surgery was scheduled…
Sean: He went for number 3…
Dick: Guys… No. Don’t - never try to lift a woman bigger than you. Never try to lift a woman.
“So surgery was scheduled and i was going to be down for 4 weeks of no lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds. I told Queequeg that it was up to him to run the business for a while as I recuperated and left it to that. This was summer, mind you. So about 3 weeks go by, I’m back to work because my job only entails sitting at a desk, and I’m bored out of my mind being stuck at home. My third day back ,I just get settled in after attending a meeting. There’s a knock at my door. It’s the police. I’m placed under arrest and led out of the complex in handcuffs. Imagine my confusion. It turns out while I was in recovery, my partner Queequeg neglected to mow the yard at the rental property. The landlord owned a few of the properties on the road. One of our neighbors complained to him and our yard looking so scruffy. He came and knocked on the door, which of course no one answered. He tried to call my number. I gave him my burner phone, which i hadn’t replaced because I was in surgery. I hadn’t yet given him the number. After a few days, he decided to do a welfare check. Low and behold he opens the door to find our setup and immediately calls the cops. They surveil the place, catch my partner going in, and in order to get a deal he rolled over on me. I was finally officially found guilty in late February, and I have sentencing in a few days. Queequeg is getting off with a year of house arrest and 2 years of probation. My lawyer predicts I’m going to be doing about 3 years behind actual bars due to all the weed they found.”
Dick: He had to squat that fat chick!
Sean: He did.
“And a collection of rifles we stockpiled, because we wanted to buy toys with our money. Now that I’ve been fired from my company, my wife has left me and taken the kids. I’m sure I’ll end up paying child support for the next 12 years. Last I heard, Kate had taken my advice and lost enough weight to regain the attention of her soy boy boyfriend. Now she’s pregnant with his kid. When I get out of prison, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life poor and alone all because of my addiction to ambergris.”
Sean: (Sean laughs) Ambergris! Look it up, people.
(Erotic stories riff) “You’ve been listening to: Erotic stories from real men, brought to you by The Dick Show.”
Dick: Ishmael man. Sorry. Very sorry.
Sean: It’s a terrible story.
Dick: It is a terrible story. Let me see if Stephen’s here. Hey Stephen, are you there?
Stephen: Can you hear me?
Dick: Yes, I can. Heyyyyy buddy, how you doing?
Stephen: Good, how are you?
Dick: Good. The big hero. The big hero, Stephen Burch calling in. Where are you right now? Florida?
Stephen: I’m in Florida, yeah. Enjoying the weather.
Dick: Oh my god, the fucking savior. The savior of The Biggest Problem trademark. The protector of the flame. My personal Jesus Christ. Stephen Burch.
Sean: Not to overstate it.
Dick: Yeah, not to overstate it. Thank you so much. Thank you for me, and everybody who listens to the show. Anybody who didn’t want The Biggest Problem turned into some shill-fest of Maddox talking to himself while some UCB schmuck yes-mans him into - until his head has warped up into his own asshole like Aeroboris, the snake, but an asshole version of it. Thank you for your service in defending this trademark. Thanks a lot man, sincerely. And congratulations.
Stephen: Oh, you’re welcome. I’m hoping this is one of a lot of wins to come soon for you.
Dick: Yes! Please god we need some wins. We need some closure. The waiting on it is driving everybody insane. More and more every day. How do you feel? How does it feel to win something like this?
Stephen: It is the best feeling in the world. There is no better feeling than a win. Oh man, especially with everything else that’s going on, it’s nice to just, you know, start towards the process of taking him down, and hopefully ending - it is the best feeling.
Dick: Can you explain how - what exactly the win is? Because it’s a trademark so it’s not like court where there’s a judge or a jury that comes out and goes like, “Guilty! You’re going to jail for trying to lift a fat woman and growing weed.” It’s different.
Stephen: True. That was a great story by the way. It’s just an administrative tribunal, so on one hand they don’t have the power to issue sanctions or award you money. But what it means is that Maddox will never be allowed to apply for this trademark again, and that's the most important portion. He’s foreclosed from doing that. He’s had his chance, he didn’t, he tried, he lost.
Dick: He fucked it up!
Stephen: He did.
Sean: Sometimes never is such an uplifting word, isn’t it? “When’s that gonna happen?” Never!
Dick: “When can I apply again? Well surely I’ll just give it another shot.” No, you’re done. You’re done applying for this.
Sean: Maybe in like - Never!
Dick: What’ll have to happen? Entirely new government will have to come in. There will have to be no more United States until you can apply to this again, you prick. What do you think did him in?
Stephen: My personal feeling is that he ran out of money. I think he’s wasted so much money on the ridiculous lawsuit that he has no money to pay his attorney. You know the details, he asked for an extension. He had 60 days to respond to our motion for summary judgement. He asked for it, the court granted it, and that time came, went, nothing. He did nothing.
Dick: Maybe he was using those 60 days to organize a bake sale or a car wash that he thought would bring him out of this, you know? He’ll wash your bike. It’s a bike wash. The bicycle boys are out there raising money for Maddox’s legal fund. “We’ll wash your bicycle, bring it on over!” But no kids. Only grownups whose bicycles will be washed at Maddox’s bike wash.
Sean: He got 2.
Dick: No. You come and watch him wash bicycle. That’s how it works in his mind. That’s how he would fuck it up. Anyway, what can be done now - what can be done with the - first of all, is it a trademark now that I have? Because it seems like just a no. Like they said “No you can’t apply for this from Maddox. Does that mean it’s like… What does it mean?
Stephen: I think from an - you’re never going to get a straight answer from an attorney. It’s always going to be an “it depends.” It’s always going to be like, “We had issues that were adjudicated.” It’s not that the court said no, they said that Maddox conceded those issues. They’ve been tried, they’ve been adjudicated, and a court or administrative tribunal has found an answer. And one of those biggest issues - one of THE biggest issues was the existence of this joint venture, and do you own it? You know, are you a part of this, or was it all Maddox? That was the biggest part of our motion for summary judgement, and the court found that it exists - that you own it. And there’s a lot of good cases. There was a big US supreme court case with B&B Hardware back in 2015 that holds that you can’t just go around and re-litigate issues in different courts until you get an answer you want. And most importantly for what we’re talking about, you can’t do the trademark trial in appeals court, one of those places that once they make a decision on an issue, and you’ve had a chance to defend yourself, that’s it. You don’t get to go around and re-litigate the venture and who owns it. It’s all decided.
Sean: You know, because nothing would ever get done. That shit would be tied up for decades.
Dick: When all this started, this trademark thing was the first thing that started.
Sean: And you know what, I'm probably not the only one, but I basically forgot about it. I would remember it from time to time like oh yeah, what is going on with that?
Dick: But will it just never get resolved? I remember when the first time I talked to Steven, there was like - it seems almost quaint looking back on it because he said, “well you know it might cost like this much to defend,” and I was thinking, “I don't know. Do I really want to spend X on lawyers?” and now that amount has been fucking dwarfed by what - It's like on Reddit when they have one of those visuals of how small Earth is in comparison to like the sun, and then it backs out from the Sun to like Alpha Centauri, and then it goes to fucking Beetlejuice, and then it goes to Seres B or 9B or something like that, and you're like, “ where the fuck did Earth go?! I can't fucking see it anymore! Looking back on it now when we are at first having that conversation I was like, “ hahaha, what a fucking dummy.” it's a very relative. Very fucking relative, and very aggravating.
Sean: So is saying you're a good deal.
Dick: Yeah, no shit.
Stephen: I'm a bargain.
Dick: Let me ask you this, is it possible for me to release all the unedited versions of the episodes? Like the episodes of the biggest problem that Sean delivered that Maddox didn't take his butcher's Cleaver to to remove all of his stuttering and stupid jokes?
Stephen: If you want to talk about potential consequences, I think they would be limited, but my argument would be that the argument we made the entire time that you own them just as much as anyone else owns them, as much as Maddox owns them. You can do what you want with them.
Dick: Awesome. That's good news. Right Sean? You've got all those.
Sean: I have everything that was ever recorded. (Except that deleted episode.)
Dick: Everybody wants to see them. You know what I want to fucking see them now, because I gave up listening to the butchered episodes after like episode 10. I'm just like I can't fucking...
Sean: I never went back and listen to them because I was, I think I've said this before but I was obviously here for the record and then I mixed it shortly after, so you know. I knew what the episodes were, so I'm really not up to on what was cut from any particular episode.
Dick: Then we found out that there's 200 edits on some of them. Do you remember that?
Sean: I remember him saying that. And I'm thinking that most of them are stammers or breaths or anything like that, but apparently there's content cut from some of them too, you know.
Dick: That's what I want to know about. I want to be able to have the waveforms and to give everyone access to look at the waveforms together and see what the hell happened. Like see how the show was shaped over 2 years.
Sean: Yeah, I would imagine some of them are barely touched, and some of them are touched a little more but I don't know. Couldn't say.
Dick: Anyway, Steven is this is the stupidest case you ever worked on.
Stephen: No. Not even close. But I will tell you, I know it sounds dumb it first, but I think this was a big deal. I 100% believe that, and I thought so from the beginning that this was not necessarily a way for Maddox to start a new podcast. I thought it was more of a way for him to gain some intellectual property rights over a name, and use them against you. So I don't think it was stupid at all, I could see - I don't know how many claims are in the lolsuit, way too many, but add another one in there for trademark infringement.
Dick: Yeah, exactly. And then it looks like so much of this legal shit is just how it looks. Like if you're going to court and you can show a document from like a trademark - what's the organization, the FTO? Is that what it is?
Stephen: Federal trademark office.
Dick: Yeah. That can just be included in the lolsuit. It would have given it the weight of an official document. You know what I mean?
Sean: As opposed to what it is now which is nothing.
Dick: Nothing, which is a failed interlock device. Breathalyzer, right? That's all it is now. So I think you're right about that.
Stephen: And it happens. I don't know that anyone listening cares, but if you ever look up trademark bullies, copyright trolls, patent trolls. It happens all the time. They use that weight of a registered mark, or a registered copyright. Things that aren't that hard to get, and they use them offensively and you’re stuck having to pay attorneys to fight this or just give up and give in and do whatever they want you to do.
Dick: Yeah. And if you hadn't contacted me I would have just given up. There's no way it would have argued with that Lawson guy. Like there's no fucking way I would have sat down and tried to figure all that shit out.
Sean: It's got to be so time-consuming to do the research to figure out which forms you are supposed to - it's so confusing. Download and file, and lawyers know this stuff. But oh my God. I searched for legal documents and all that shit like that, but…
Dick: I don't know where to start. Even the arguments like Maddox was saying how it's his “in the universe” brand. I'm like, I don't know if that's right.
Sean: Yeah, no idea.
Dick: I don't know if that's a real thing or not, So what the hell am I going to say. Is it by the way? Is that “in the universe” thing real? Does Maddox on that?
Stephen: Not for what he's arguing. I think any competent attorney could make some sort of argument going forward about different things, but not with what he argued in his defense, and not even close.
Dick: What about Cucksmas Carols? Does the Asterios that necessarily?
Stephen: I would think so. He's out promoting it, using it in Commerce.
Dick: How about Santa cuck, because Astereos hasn't aggressively pursued people using the Santa cuck brand. Does that mean he lost it like Kleenex?
Stephen: Oh no, it becomes something generic when it’s - are there like a bunch of Santa Cucks out there now?
Dick: Yeah, everybody’s talking about…
Stephen: (incoherent) Next thing you know, it’s just gonna be a generic term.
Dick: he’s gonna be bigger than the actual Santa Claus, Santa Cuck, if Asterios doesn’t watch his ass. Was it worrisome to have a client who constantly runs his mouth about everything to you?
Stephen: You know, we deal with a lot of clients, and a lot of them like to be out in the public, and it’s one of those things you have to - we have our discussions that I worry about more than others. I don't know. It just is what it is.
Sean: Yeah, you’re not anything special. He’s represented a lot of assholes.
Dick: I got this gift from Stephen from Ireland. It’s this beautiful bottle of Black Barrel Cask Strength Jameson.
Sean: Cask strength, so that’s hopped up. It’s not cut, that’s before it’s cut to the desired proof.
Stephen: 60.2% alcohol volume.
Dick: That’s my exact amount of alcohol that I require.
Dick: 60.2% Sean.
Dick: Look at it! It has 2 boxes! That’s how good it is. That’s how good this whisky.
Sean: It has a mesh of protective foam around it as well.
Dick: Yes, yes. Stephen, thank god, thank you so much. I don’t know if i want to - i want to read a part of the letter that i thought was funny.
Sean: Let’s see this. Take that out of there. I want to see the bottle.
Dick: Okay, alright. Yeah bitch, take that off.
Sean: Jameson bottles are… It’s good looking.
Dick: Great bottle. It’s numbered. Bottled by - see the scribbly man, and it’s to the 20-million dollar man. Distillery, bottle #201. Let me crack open this letter. There’s a part that i thought was really funny. “I recently visited Ireland…” This is what Stephen included with it. “And during a tour of the Jameson factory thought of you and Nick Rekieta. Enclosed is a bottle of Jamison that I hand-bottled and labeled myself.” Oh yeah, there’s the signature. Alright, that’s the mystery man signature. “Cask strength, and i think quite tasty. The whole thing is a little gimmicky, but if you’re ever at the Jameson factory in Cork Ireland, that bottle number will appear on the records.”
Sean: I’ve been to Cork Ireland.
Dick: Mine is labeled “The 20-million-dollar man,” and for nick, here’s the best part, “For nick I couldn’t remember how to spell his last name and i had no internet, so his bottle is labeled “Nick Rackets.”” So in the distillery it’s 20-million-dollar man and Nick Rackets. It would be worse if misspelled, you know? ‘
Stephen: That’s what i thought.
Dick: That’s awesome man. Thank you so much.
Stephen: No problem. I’m glad we won. It feels good.
Dick: Yeah. do you go home after a win and have a little more umph in your bedtime activities? Like what is a win celebration look like from Stephen Burch?
Stephen: Oh yeah, it involves too much drinking and everything. It’s just fun to win - and then you made someone else lose too. It - you never feel more like a man. And after making someone lose.
Dick: That’s true, you get both. It’s not just a win. Somebody’s deprived of an entire future. You know?
Sean: We call that a win win for one party.
Dick: (laughing) A win win for one party. That’s awesome man. What makes you a rage?
Stephen: Right now I would have to say we’re getting ready to sell a house and i think it’s this whole cucked idea of me having to do things around the house to make it better to sell, and i feel like I’m doing some other guy’s wife’s to-do list. Like, you know, fixing the sink and doing all this shit. I would never do this for my wife, I’m doing this for somebody else’s wife and it’s just ridiculous.
Dick: So they can come in and enjoy it. “Let me fix my wife up so some other dude can come in here and bang her for 20 years. Right?”
Stephen: That is exactly what it feels like.
Dick: I’ve lived with this upside down toilet for 10 years without fixing it, but now that I sell it to some schmuck that I’m treating like some foreign diplomat coming - like i know you live in some stupid hovel that you’re just tolerating.
Sean: It’s all about appearances.
Dick: Yeah. Don’ fucking claim - it’s these real estate agents. That’s what it is, because they’re not real people, they’re weird pod people, and they think everybody else is operating on this weird pod spectrum like them so they come in and say, “Well it’s about curb appeal and you really need to put in a drought tolerant landscaping out front.” Bitch, no one fucking cares about drought tolerance. Sell the fucking house! It’s a fucking house, just looking at the number. That’s it. They’re looking at the number, they’re looking at their bank account, and seeing how much they can overextend themselves so they no longer have to live in a fucking apartment in the middle of Mega City 1 anymore! You don’t need to fix shit! Shut the fuck up and sell. Actually, just shut the fuck up and fuck off completely. Your entire job can be done by Redfin. You do nothing. Real estate agents do goddamn nothing except refer you to people who are similarly useless. They refer you to house agents and lending agents who just then make the deal, charge you $5000, and sell your loan straight to the fucking bank that you ALREADY HAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY IN BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY LIKE 3 FUCKING BANKS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AND THEN THEY PUT YOU ON A CHRISTMAS CARD LIST THAT YOU COULD NEVER GET OFF OF! MOTHERFUCKER, I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND! I DON’T CARE IF YOU WANT TO WISH ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS! FUCK YOU! AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, YOU OWE ME 5 GRAND FOR NOT TELLING ME I COULD HAVE JUST GONE TO CHASE IN THE FIRST PLACE! You take advantage because people only do this 3 or 4 times in their life, buy a house. And every single step - every single step of the fucking process is a shakedown. “We gotta get an appraiser out here.” What’s the appraiser tell you? “I dunno.” Did he figure out that the air conditioning system is fucked and doesn’t match the house at all? And that it would cost like 5-6 grand to fix because everything's gotta be replaced? “No.” What did he tell you then? “Eh. It’s just a box. It’s a box we gotta check on the big colossal shakedown that is buying a fucking house.”
Sean: All those Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac forms.
Dick: God damn it! And I was pissed about the bailout before buying a house. Now I wish every single one of those banks had been burned to the fucking ground. It’s out-fucking-rageous!
Sean: There are a lot of lenders that were burned to the ground.
Dick: More should have been. They should have - the congressional roastings of those cocksuckers should still be going on. Every one of those CEOs at Fanny May - every fucking bank should have started in the senate, gone down to congress, gone down to the state senate. Every single place. They should go down to the fucking girl scouts! It should still be a daily televised event where those cocksucking CEOs at the big banks get roasted every fucking day for what they did. It is very annoying when you have to sell a house. It is - it’s a good rage.
Sean: Yeah, that was something else right there.
Dick: So aggravating, and they’re so nice about it too. And they’re real nice, those agents. “Oh wow, I’m really happy for you. I’m really happy that I could help you move in.” What did you do? What do you mean? I bet you’re fucking happy. The amount of happiness that correlates to work is about how fucking hard it is. You know what I mean? Guys laying train tracks don’t come and, “Hey, I’m really glad you enjoy your subway ride into work.” They’re like, “I’m fucking out of work, I don’t want to heart about digging another hole for the rest of my fucking life. Because the pay is commissary with the labor, that’s what I’m saying. Oh man Stephen, I’ve got a lot of questions for you, but I don’t know if they’re show questions. I want to know about some shit around the fucking show, and how i get it fucking back You know what I’m saying? Thanks a lot man. You have any shoutouts you want to give?
Sean: Let him drink like half a bottle of this and then he’ll call you back.
Stephen: No, I’m just happy we won. It feels good.
Dick: It does feel good. This is the first foray into the legal process on the show.
Sean: Yeah, addicted to winning!
Dick: I’m addicted to winning lawsuits. I’m gonna start suing.
Sean: Start suing everybody.
Dick: I’m gonna Peter Thiel it.
Sean: Why am i drawing a blank?
Dick: Because Peter Thiel funded Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker.
Sean: Oh, is that right?
Stephen: Yeah, they went jury shopping. They lost a couple of times. Went jury shopping until they found what they wanted.
Dick: Really? I didn’t know that. Stephen was saying that they lost that a bunch of times and then like explicitly went out to find a court that would give them the verdict they wanted. That’s kind of fucked. I thought that whole court case was a big celebration and like fuck Gawker, but apparently Hulk Hogan is the one who is fucked. How about that? Alright buddy. I’ll talk to you soon. I hope to see you at a Road Rage soon.
Stephen: Oh, definitely. Have a good one.
Dick: You too.
Sean: Speaking of road rage, what’s happening?
Dick: I don’t know. I thought we had a venue, but they wanted like 9 grand, so I said, “No, fuck you.” 20-million-dollar man is figurative, i told them. I’m not really worth $20-million. Let me see here… What else do I have?... Ryan is on. I’m going to read through some comments first.
“Hey Dick, I heard you talking about the blue man. I thought you’d like to know he died 3 years ago from a heart attack. I guess turning blue didn’t do much for Papa Smurf, he died at 62..
Dick: Oof, that sucks.
“Surprised no one brought this up yet, especially with all the callers that call and complain about kidney stones. They did some studies recently. They found out that if you ride roller coasters, it helps you pass kidney stones.”
Dick: Medical roller coasters. You’re gonna get wheeled into the emergency room and then they’re gonna…
Sean: That’s if you know you have them, or you have the symptoms?
Dick: I don’t know. Yeah. Whatever. They…
Sean: I like roller coasters.
Dick: They dope you up and send you out to the Tilt a Whirl, and then you’re just shooting calcium deposits out of your cock by the end of it.
Sean: Yeah. Like a thousand feet per second.
Dick: That’s the study that he’s talking about.
Sean: Yeah, murdering teenagers who operate the rides.
Dick: You’re shooting like shrapnel kidney stones out of your dick. These gooey deposits in your ureter. In your bladder. Spraying them out like a caltrops all over. So that’s gonna be the new - that’s gonna be the new way to deal with kidney stones.
“So do public service and help these poor suffering dickheads know there’s hope out there.”
Dick: You know what? I think you can just wait with them for a while.
Sean: yeah. I think they…
Dick: They have to pass.
Sean: At some point they do, right? They go from your kidney to…
Dick: To your penis. Connected to the kidneys.
Sean: Kidneys to the bladder, right?
Dick: And then it’s connected to the penis bone.
Sean: Yeah. At some point they just pass, and i don’t know if you can stop it or…
Dick: Let’s see. Maybe I’ve got some advice questions here. Oh, I’ve got some Reddit rages that are pretty funny. Teddybear Syrup says, “Automated things that won’t shut the fuck up. Self-checkout lanes and gas pumps constantly fucking beeping and talking. I know they’re made for retards, but at this point, if you don’t know how to use them, then you deserve to be left behind.”
Dick: They really are. And i do hate that. When i say to the little robot in the house, “Robot, what’s the temperature today?” And she says, “The temperature for today is…” You don’t need that preamble for the - just do - I told you to turn the lights off, i don’t need a beep telling me that the lights are turned off,. Because the lights are turned off. I don’t need a beep.
Sean: I know some things.
Dick: Yeah. I don’t need constant acknowledgement of - i don’t need you nagging me of your own existence. Just do your fucking job.
Sean: Or that you heard me correctly.
Dick: “Place the item in the bagging area. Place the item in the fucking bagging area.” Just fucking - fuck off! Fuck off! Brass Hockey says, “When I’m old enough to remember when we used tech to simplify our lives, now our tech uses us.” We do power it. We have become a power source for technology, Facebook is a pretty good example. Uses us for - it uses our lives to power itself. Like it uses us to build more servers and whatever. Let’s see here… Alex Wyvern says, “Kids not being allowed to be bored anymore. I worked for some years in school administration, and so many parents would actually complain that their kid’s lessons are boring. I don’t know about you, but when I was 12 or 13 I said everything was boring. I accepted it, because it was called school, and not Knobhead McGee’s Super Happy Funtime Land. My parents were certainly not calling school to complain about how it wasn’t fun enough. But now a days, it’s like, “How dare my child not be in a perpetual state of entertained amusement!” Teachers have enough to worry about without making balloon animals, you cunts. So now lesson plans have to be super gamified, and teachers are penalized for having too much sit-down and independently do a written task time.”
Sean: I think the attention spans are so short now that it’s the only way you get their attention for any length of time at all. Gamify it.
Dick: Yeah. I mean you know my position, why do they need to be paying attention? Like if you sat me down and tried to teach me about present participles, I would tell to go fuck yourself. So I’m not telling a bunch of little fucking kids to do it if I’m not gonna fucking do it. You know?
Sean: Exactly. You only need one tense to say go fuck yourself, right?
Dick: Yeah. I don’t need to know… “Because god forbid that kids know that life isn’t always fun or interesting, and we always have to do things we don’t like. That said, they might not have to learn that because that shit is seeping over into the workplace. Instead of sitting down and getting on with my work, we have to do all this infantile bullshit like having office treasure hunts and bullshit team building.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah. I hate that corporate shit.
Dick: Me too. “The manager read in some quirky edgy business guy book.” You know what’s the worst thing about that? Those kinds of guys and managers are so shameless that they don’t - if you mock them and criticize them even in the most viciously efficient way, they’ll take it as positive reinforcement, I feel like.
Sean: I think you're right.
Dick: Like if you walk up and say, “You’re a fucking Michael Scott,” he’ll be like, “hehehe, I guess I am.” But yes, it needs to be done. Those are the people in history who have always done the worst things no matter what.
Sean: Yeah. They drank their own Kool Aid. Someone else’s Kool Aid becomes theirs.
Dick: “Something’s wrong with the, Plus having little devices with endless access to games and entertainment means some kids are literally never just had time to sit down and be with their thoughts and imaginations.” Yeah, i dunno. Maybe that’s true. Kids - the nephews sure play a lot of - they’ve got a lot of screen time. They fight over mom’s phone.
Sean: I think most kids do.
Dick: But it’s like - the games are fun because - it’s like… this is kind of what bugs me about it. So - like people will laugh at dogs who play fetch with themselves, like the dog will nudge the ball into the pool and jump in the pool, and you’re like, “hahaha, look at that fucking idiot dog.” Right? It’s like - it’s devised a system to gratify its instincts. Like, Oh wow, that’s totally different than the giant global dominating telecommuting system that we’ve built to play games with each other, right? Like we did the same fucking thing, so - the games are interesting because they satisfy that. So why would not doing them help? Has that been proven, or does it seem like TV rots your brain? I dunno. GADBabaganoosh, “People apologizing on behalf of X for person who is X. Sorry ladies, I apologize on behalf of all men. We aren’t all like that. Fuck you, that asshole doesn’t represent all men, and neither do you. Look at me, look at me, look at me!” Alright let me get this guy on… Hey Ryan, you there?
Ryan: Yeah, I’m here.
Dick: hey, what’s up man? What have you done?
Ryan: I have no clue.
Sean: Is this Ryan from Atlanta?
Dick: This is Ryan from Atlanta. This is the guy who asked Asterios what it would take for Asterios to do stand-up comedy in his garage at his home in Atlanta, Georgia.
Ryan: I just asked for a simple, “Hey, how many retweets is this gonna cost me to get you to come do stand up?” I was expecting like him to say 2-5000. He said 400, so I’m like…
Dick: Much lower.
Sean: Which means he would have done it for free.
Dick Well no. He also said that you gotta pay for his flight, lodging, and meals, right? And weed.
Ryan: And weed, yeah. That’s doable.
Dick: Yeah. It sounds like he would have done it for 0 retweets.
Ryan: But that’s doable for a fun time with like 20 friends in my garage having a little a party.
Dick: Oh! I think you’re gonna get more than 20 friends showing up to this! I un-muted Asterios if he wants to join in. I think you’re gonna get a project X level shit show happening in front of your house. I don’t think you’re gonna have a house left after hurricane Asterios. Like Asterios on his own is dangerous for the structure of your house, but…
Dick: … you’re gonna have hundreds of other dickheads there.
Asterios: No, I mean - like look. I will - you shouldn’t let me into your house.
Sean: No, get - rent a port-a-potty.
Asterios: Look, here’s what I love about this. I get all of the benefits and none of the drawbacks. Like, if this thing’s a total disaster, I’m blaming it on you. But if it’s a huge success, I’m getting all the credit!
Ryan: I don’t get any credit?
Asterios: No, you get credit. It’s just - I don’t go to jail.
Ryan: Oh yeah that’s true.
Dick: Is this event going to be open to the public? I mean it’s someone’s garage. You can’t close it off, it’s gonna be like Woodstock.
Sean: Do you own this house?
Asterios: He’s asking a lot of questions that you should not answer!
Dick: Ryan, do you own this house?
Ryan: I rent…
Sean: Oh boy…
Ryan: It’s grown into such a thing that now I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to book a warehouse and…
Dick: Good luck. You can’t possibly - that’s impossible to do.
Sean: We try in lots of cities.
Asterios: You can book a warehouse, don’t listen to these guys. How hard do you think these guys tried to book a warehouse? Seriously. They probably Googled “warehouse,” and then gave up.
Dick: How big is your house? How big is your property?
Ryan: It’s pretty big, but it’s not full-blown party mode. The biggest party I’ve thrown at my house was like a Halloween party, and there was maybe 30 people there, and we had a blast. There was room for picking up chicks and not worrying about crazy shit happening.
Asterios: Hey, I’m sorry. Let me answer this for you. There is unlimited room in his house. Everybody, invite everybody you know. This is gonna be the rager of the century. If you’ve seen the movie House Party, or its sequel House Party 2, that is the level and EFFORT that we’re putting into this party. WE’RE GONNA BURN ATLANTA TO THE GROUND FOR THE SECOND TIME!”
Asterios: It’s done!
Sean: has Asterios given you a rider yet?
Ryan: No. I think his only rider is “let’s do this!”
Dick: Just get a case of yogurt at your place to keep him…
Dick: If he starts getting cranky.
Asterios: I believe it's called a hangry, and it is very real. you're hangry all the time dick.
Dick: Yeah I am. Well good luck Ryan. You said you're a fan of a stereo says, me? Have you ever seen a stand up?
Ryan: I saw a YouTube video.
Asterios: Yet again, because you're going to see that YouTube video come to life. Only in Atlanta, this June probably, at this guy's house, we're all going to be there. It's going to be great.
Dick: You want to go? Do you want to go see this guy's house get razed?
Sean: I mean yeah. I totally do.
Sean: Yeah we're not in the Amish Country.
Dick: I've never seen a stereo stand up either.
Sean: I haven't either.
Asterios: You're going to love it.
Dick: I really do want to see it. Mumkey Jones says he's going to open for you too, is that right?
Asterios: We've got Mumkey Jones. We've Got Jones Stapleton who is a hilarious comedian, and he's also a professional poker commentator. He's like a celebrity over in Europe. He's going to be opening. We've got Mumkey. Other people are trying to latch on to it, and it's like we're ignoring them because it's like look, you should have been there earlier. Leave us alone.
Dick: Yeah, you should be an early adopter of Asterios.
Asterios: It's going to be a great Funtime show, and i can’t wait.
Sean: All out of a 2-car garage.
Dick: Is this going to be at the beginning of Asterios’s garage tours?
Asterios: Look you know how to get me to come to your garage now. Send me a DM, I'll give you a number of retweets. And look, should I have asked for 400? Yea, in retrospect. Just because it's like I really could have - I realized I had a lot more bargaining power in the beginning than I do at the end.
Dick: Hahaha yeah, classic liberal thinking.
Asterios: With that being said, we're going to have a good time anyway, and also this guy asked if he could sell t-shirts of me and I said sure. It's like I just gave it away. I gave away my likeness for this guy.
Dick: Ryan, Asterios has massive legal bills that he needs to pay for, you can't give away your likeness to be selling away shirts at an event you're powering Asterios.
Asterios: I did it over a DM and I ask for nothing in return. Okay if anyone wants to manage me, you know I'm in the market for someone. Okay thanks.
Ryan: And I screenshotted him saying that, so it's a legally binding now.
Dick: Of course it is. All right boys, get out of here. I'll see you in Atlanta. Good luck Ryan. Good fucking luck.
Ryan: I'm going to need it.
Dick: All right, I think I'm done. Let's do some voicemails. Everybody you’re listening to The Dick Show. TheDickShow.com. Dick.Show. Patreon.com/thedickshow. I got a beef between Madcucks and Kimball.
Dick: I'm going to play it after the break.
Sean: Do you have Facebook news?
Dick: I do. I absolutely do. This song is - what are we at? Oh, 1:15, my goodness. I thought it was going to be a short show today.
Sean: They've been loving lately, but there's been a lot to cover it.
Dick: There has. This is by images XZ. It's called “Losing a Love” featuring SaveState Corrupted. We'll be right back with Captain Jackass and the MadCucks and Kimball beef.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song ends)
Dick: Alright, thank you boys. Images XZ and Savestate Corrupted. Let’s play this Facebook news. Hot off the presses. This one came in at the last minute. Captain Jackass did a last minute tweaking of his stories of investigations before getting them to me.
Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. On Thursday night Jared Allen posted a picture of a busted up stop sign still attached to the pole on his living room floor. Jared said he had a lot to drink the night before and did not share much else regarding the new piece of furniture. Other dickheads begin sharing their own memorabilia which included more stop signs, a traffic light, and a dozen road signs. After a long night of tripping on acid Connor Stemler shared with the group that he's not had sex in a year.
Dick: Wait, wait, wait. Have you ever woken up with any souvenirs from the night before?
Sean: Like those?
Sean: No. Like where the fuck did this come from? Or just something that you shouldn’t have like a stop sign? No.
Dick: I woke up with a putting green flag. I think I’ve told that story before with the putting green flag. And Rocket Man and I once stole a - do you remember Austin Powers 2 when they had the time machine? They had those theater inserts of Dr Evil spinning on the time machine. We got one of those. We put it in his mustang. His 67 Mustang. I had a truck, but we were in his Mustang. We needed that fucking thing. We needed the theater display of Austin Powers 2, the Spy who shagged me with Dr. Evil spinning. We had it in our living room.
Sean: This wasn’t waking up, but we stole a danger buoy from Castaic Lake. Like a legit buoy that said danger on it.
Dick: (laughing) The warning boats…
Sean: No, it was out by the dumpster, but I didn’t know if it was - it was out of the water.
Dick: It wasn’t in service.
Sean: No. It wasn’t currently in service, but I don’t know if it’s even…
Dick: What did you do with it? How old were you first?
Sean: Well I owned a boat, so…
Sean: Yeah. We took it up to Chasta and like just - I don’t know, it was somebody else’s idea. I don’t even know - i don’t even think we fucking used it for anything. I don’t know.
Dick: No, we just sat it there.
Sean: We thought we would - i think the thinking was - because Chasta’s got a lot of fingers and stuff, you can take your own cove and skateboard in it.
Dick: Oh, you’d put it out in front to warn people away so you’d have your own private lake.
Sean: There’s nothing keeping it there, so i don’t even think we did it.
Dick: you introduced a random buoy of danger floating around?
Sean: So nobody comes, yeah.
Dick: That’s a good idea. I woke up with some parking cones one time, and the plan - DWP parking cones - they would always be doing work in Hollywood. They were these big thick ones, you know that were marked DWP all over them. I grabbed all 4 of them and I would use them - when Coach came over - I would go down during the day and block out a parking space for him with my DWP cones figuring, “Who fucking cares if they get stolen?” It worked every time. And i had them until i moved out of that apartment where I used them to block out space for the moving truck, because otherwise they park around the fucking corner and ram you for overage fees because it takes them forever. And then i just left them there for someone else to use Sean. That also makes me realize maybe why young women date older men, because they’re not stealing parking signs and displaying parking signs in their living room like trophies. Maybe it’s not only the money, maybe it’s not only the dad issues, maybe it’s also that 30 year old, 40 year old men don’t go around collecting garbage. And keeping it in their home. Just maybe, but I don't know. Let me start that over.
Captain Jackass: Connor Stemler shared with the group that he's not had sex in a year. Connors not complaining however because this abstinence from sex was completely voluntary. Connor says he can get laid in 2 hours if you wanted to but has decided to devote himself to God. This also includes not masturbating. I asked Connor if his dick hurt and he said his balls hurt for a few weeks than the whole system basically just shuts down. Needless to say, dickheads called this post bait and refused to believe this shit, but Connor stood his ground. Lastly, Sean Willing asked dickheads what's the most disgusting thing they've ever seen someone eat. A 6”5 Romanian dude who ate a raw pound of bacon and sour cream out of a jar, Ken, admitted to eating a spoonful of his own puke. and another guy who refused to prepare his food beyond what was strictly necessary to live microwaved a fish, ate as much as he could including intestines and guts, soon thereafter got sick. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.
Sean: That’s disgusting.
Dick: Trying to reinvent the wheel over there. Alright here's the MadCucks versus Kimball. I haven't listened to this at all, I don't know what those guys are…
Sean: You got audio of this? What are they going back and forth?
Dick: I don't know what this is. Captain Jackass just sent this in that is investigating but there's some kind of feud between the two.
Captain Jackass: Some issues popped up with you and Maxwell the silver hammer. If I saw this correctly, you blocked him and you guys are so in a little bit of arguing. Would you care to talk about what would happen there?
MadCucks: Oh yeah, Maxwell is a nineteen-year-old dipshit teenager, and I don't want to have to listen to his fucking child tier shitposting every time I post a here's what I don't get.
Sean: He’s in full character!
Dick: I know, he’s not!
MadCucks: Hey Kimball, why don't you man up instead of whine to all your little bitch friends on the Facebook group.
Captain Jackass: MadCucks referred to you as a 19 year-old dipshit. Any thoughts?
Maxwell: Oh yeah. He is completely right, I'm glad this fucking idiot is able to look at obvious things and make a completely accurate observations. And the thing is what does that say about him if he gets so sensitive and so upset if someone he calls a nineteen-year-old dipshit is making fun of him. How fucking sensitive do you have to be to let the stuff that I say get under your skin? He fucking blocked me. A lot of people on the Facebook group were saying that he's turning into Maddox, and I'd probably say it's completely accurate.
Captain Jackass: So Kimball just wants attention from you, or what's the deal?
MadCucks: Yeah, I guess. Every time I post a Here's What I Don't Get post you know, episode 70 came out this week. I don't even know how many times in a row he post comments, “Oh, no Chaco, I'm not going to listen.” You are not a Chaco fan, you are not a here's what I don't get fan, clearly you would know that. You’re just shitposting to get attention, and it's just like that Meme where “hurr durr, I was only pretending that I was retarded.”
Kimball: He made it seem like it was more than twice. He’s completely blind.
Captain Jackass: Now your fight with MadCucks, is there any particular way you want that fight to go down? I don’t imagine you would be the kind of guy to just want to meet up in an alley and throw down.
Kimball: Oh yeah, definitely. I would love to fight MadCucks in a street fight. I would physically destroy him.
Sean: Or start a podcast with him.:”
Captain Jackass: Would you be willing to fight someone in a sanctioned or unsanctioned fight to settle your differences?
MadCucks: Absolutely. Come fight me. You know where I live. Come fight me. I challenge several people, I said, “Hey, yeah. Come fight me.” You want to do a weapon like a sword like Dustin, sure, let’s do it. I don’t give a shit.
Sean: See you Tuesday at 7:30.
Dick: I meant that has to be the - that has to be the closer for Asterios, right? Like a bunch of comedians leading up to a boxing match between MadCucks and Kimball. Is that what we’re doing? Is that what we’re gonna do to kick off the garage tour? God, those guys are funny. Do you know - you know what, I’ll tell this next episode. MadCucks, he never turns off. We were in Portland, somebody - a wrong number texts him, and he did the fucking funniest, stupidest prank on this idiot. Like - he was just sitting there doing it. I was like, “what are you doing?” And he’s showing me the back and forth on this wrong number text. I gotta tell it towards the beginning of the show. It’s so fucking - I’m gonna have him on and tell it. It’s so fucking funny. I’ve been laughing ever since he did it.
Sean: I didn’t know he did that.
Dick: He’s just always being a fuck. BOTH OF THEM ARE! Both MadCucks and Kimball are both always being fucks. Anyway. Okay, here’s the Mumkey Jones voicemail. Remember last week Mumkey Jones said he called The biggest Problem and…
Sean: Yeah. You found it?
Dick: Yeah. I found it, and he did dox himself a little bit, so i edited those parts out. I think i did a pretty good job. You’ll barely notice.
“Hey guys, this is (horribly added in post) [Mumkey Jones] from [YouTube.] I just discovered the podcast about 2 months ago, and i have since listened through every single episode. I’ve had a very entertaining 2 months. I was calling in because I have created a comprehensive list of the funniest things about the podcast. The list is from most funny to least funny, and I think most of the fans will agree with me. First place, the funniest thing in the universe goes to Asterios Kokkinos, uh… I think it’s safe to say he’s the funniest part of the whole thing. All the episodes of him are without a doubt the most fun to listen to. Second place goes to Dick Masterson. I started listening to the podcast because I heard he did an episode about social justice warriors, and that’s what got me hooked in. I’ve since listened from the beginning, and he’s consistently the funniest other than Asterios. I love the songs and the little things he does when he wins. Fuck you Maddox, there are winners. The Titanic clips are great, keep those up. I love the Maddox Lost song, it’s great. Dick, you’ve been my hero since I was in like 8th grade.
Dick: Hey, look at that!
“Fantastic, keep it up.”
Dick: Wow. Now you’re somebody’s hero.
“Third place goes to Sean. Sean, please don’t delete this voicemail. You don’t talk much, but you’re pretty funny when you do. Keep it up. I like your strategy of not talking too much for fear of sounding like an idiot. That’s a strategy I myself employ in my day to day life. Fourth place goes to Angelo’s Mom. All the little voice clips of Angelo’s mom are fucking hilarious!”
Sean: I like how Maddox hasn’t been placed yet.
Dick: I almost forgot about him.
“It makes you chuckle quite a bit. Keep that up. There are a bunch of other things between 4th and last place, but I’ll skip ahead to last place, which is Maddox. Maddox, when I started listening, I’m probably one of the few fans who had no idea who the fuck you were. And since finding out who you were, I have not been all too impressed. As far as I can tell, you’ve been doing the same shtick since 1997.”
Sean: And this is when he liked the show!
“18 fucking years of doing the same little joke. “I’m arrogant, hahaha. I think I’m better than everyone, hahaha.” It’s not that funny.”
Dick: It’s not a joke.
“At least Dick is willing to make himself be the victim of a joke for the sake of comedy. All you do it…”
Dick: It got cut off by the YouTube. You only get 3 minutes.
Sean: That’s like a what, 2, 2 and a half year old voicemail?
Dick: Bro, this show’s been going on for 2 years. That was probable a 3 and a half, 4 year old voicemail.
Sean: Time flies.
Dick: It does. Mumkey Jones. That’s why he’s a big YouTube Pundit now. Because of insights like that. Let's see here.
“Hey Dick, this is Ben at Myroom Records, not SaveState Corrupted. Ben at Myroom Records. Not SaveState Corrupted. Myroom records. Not the Savestate Corrupted.”
“Hey dick this is Savestate corrupted, not Ben at my room records. Savestate Corrupted, not Ben at Myroom Records. Savestate Corrupted, not Ben at Myroom Records. Savestate Corrupted, not Ben at Myroom Records. Savestate Corrupted, not Ben at Myroom Records.”
Dick: I introduced the wrong one. I think what happened was I introduced the correct song, but I had already played it before. So I had to change it. And then I played the other one. I think actually you did.
Sean: Oh, did I fuck that up? I could have.
Dick: You did. Because I did play the wrong one, and then I had to introduce another one.
Sean: Did you introduce it though?
Dick: Probably not.
Sean: That might be the thing.
Dick: That's what happened.
Sean: That one could be on me.
Dick: Let's just go on the assumption that you did it.
Sean: I'll take that one.
“Hey Dick, hey Sean, Asparagus Andy here. You know what makes me a rage? These national fill in the blank days you know? National donut day. National cheesecake day. National, I mean why do we have to have a fucking national day every other week? How about a national teach your kid to balance a checkbook day. how about a national let's go vote at your local election day. Something that's actually useful to society, you know what I'm saying? Anyway I love the show guys, and go fuck yourself.”
Dick: Like National don't use your credit card today. Just don't. But whatever you got - National don't use Amazon Prime today. National take a look at your Amazon bill and see if it justifies purchasing Prime every year.
Dick: Day. The reason that we will never have those is because we are organic machines that turn oil into money. That's why. That's how we are seen by the people who run and own Twitter and every single other website on the fucking internet. It's National be aware of this to consume it. National be aware of this activity so we can prime you to milk you for cash, so we can prime you to pump some oil into your throats, and you can shit out a bunch of money for us. That's why. Every single fucking - they finally found a way to put billboards all over the entire world. By putting them right in your hand. I drove into Hollywood last week for Diego's birthday party. by the way, I was going to say before I got off into the whole cyberbullying thing you know what else makes me fucking rage? Group text happy birthday-ers. Group text happy birthdays. Randy, like at 9 in the morning when who the fuck is up at 9 a.m., he text me, Diego, and Kian and me, “hey Diego happy birthday.” Well thanks a lot Randy, now it's just going to look like i fucking also knew…
Sean: why would you do that?
Dick: Because he wants to steal everybody else is happy birthday from them.
Sean: Did he start that group text, or was that an add-on for a group text I had been going for…
Dick: we have a running group text, do you know. And then we have one that Randy is not in so we can talk about cool stuff. We can talk about what a dick Randy is for doing this type of stuff. We have one, but it's just as easy to type, “pen sign Diego,” then it is to load up that one and fuck everyone else's birthday over. “Oh, me to Diego. Happy birthday from me too. Sorry that I'm not up at the ass crack of 9 a.m. like Hollywood Randy. Hollywood Randy Savage, who can just probably driving recklessly into work texting you happy fucking birthday, putting everybody else in danger.
Sean: Yeah, making filthy deals all along the way.
Dick: Making filthy deals like oceans 8 probably has his dirty mitts in that. The night before, Facebook told me that tomorrow is Diego's birthday. I was like I'm going to wait tomorrow, and I'm going to give Diego a nice happy birthday. Won't that be nice? I'm going to remember it. It's not telling me it's today, so that's fair. It's not as empty as it telling me today is Diego's birthday and then meet us texting. That's nothing. That's the computer training me to do things. I don't do things because the computer tells me to do with them, right? It's someone's birthday, go fuck yourself. I'm not the one that does things because you tell me to do it, cocksucker. It's the other way around. I don't care who's birthday it is today, right? You know what I'm talking about. But here comes Randy, “hey everybody, check this out. You thought you were going to wish Diego happy birthday today. Nope. I'm not while I've got access to this group text.”
Sean: Block him.
Dick: I am going to block him. Okay.
“ Hey dick, what makes me a rage is when you're leaving and you say “ Hey man, see you tomorrow tomorrow.” And then you look at the clock and you see it's 12 till 1 a.m., and they're like, “ well, I guess I'll see you today.” That joke is the see you next year on December 31st of jokes, except if you work 2nd shift and you leave at the same time as your co-workers, you will hear that joke EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!”
Dick: hahahaha. Every single day of your fucking life. That'd be pretty annoying. Every single person. Then you see him bashing their heads, right? Bashing their heads with a mallet.
“ Hey dick, I'm calling in response to Travis's voice mail from last episode, Where he was complaining about the women at the gym wearing sweatshirts around their waist. My wife has been going to the gym for a year or so, constantly complaining about these creepy ass dudes that are always staring at her ass while she's squatting. And eventually she just resigned herself to having to wear a sweatshirt around her waist to avoid the intrusion. So fuck you Travis.”
Dick: Yeah, to avoid being jack off material right? How weird it must be to be a chick. Like, I don't care what I look like. I look like crap no matter what. My hair looks like crap, always does. I look hungover usually. Fat, doesn't matter. No one's trying to - no one's getting off looking in my ass. Anything on me. Are they got to worry about this shit, or they want to. Guess they don't have to worry about it, but they do. Right? Weird. fucking weird life that would be. It would scramble your brains up I think.
Sean: You would think.
Dick: Yeah, I know.
“ Hey dick, this is (?.) You want to know what makes me fucking rage, undercover cops. Now I go to a big college, and lately we've been having a bunch of undercovers in our fucking bars. Which isn't atypical, but lately we've been having them a lot fucking more. And you want to know what a fucking mess it is? They go up to a kid who was in a bar, and he won't even be drinking. One officer will come and hand them a drink and say, “ hey, I'm going to go run to the bathroom real quick. Can you hold this?” And then they'll just hold it, and then another fucking cop will just come up to him and ask for their ID, and then arrest them right fucking there. IT WASN’T EVEN THEIR DRINK! THE FUCKING UNDERCOVERS ARE SETTING THEM UP TO GET CAUGHT! FUCKING BULLSHIT! FUCK UNDERCOVERS. GO FUCK YOURSELF.”
Sean: That's bullshit.
Dick: Oh yeah, the entire thing is bullshit. Is it that bad that like an 18 year old has a beer? Are you guys like - you're taking your handcuffs out because an 18 year old has a beer? Do you not know that very recently 18 year olds had a beer, and of that millions of 18 year olds having a beer right now? What's your purpose in life? Do you need God? Is that what you need to do? Do you need to put your badge down and go to church? Could do just do it because someone - what's the limit of things that you will not do on this elaborate trap to just randomly penalize someone for just doing something that everybody is doing. Where's the line of stuff you won't do it because someone just told you to do? Where's the Line? Dressing up in funny clothes to trap children into making a mistake of having a beer?
Sean: Yeah, I don't know. Somehow it comes down to money.
Dick: Yeah. Just don't do it. Don't make any arrest for the day. It's very easy to not work at work. All the rest of America's doing it. Everyone else is getting real fucking good at it. Did you remember any embarrassing stories about Sean during that whole time? Sean sister.
Sean’s Sister: Yeah, no. He left when I was 6.
Dick: Oh, okay. That got dark really quickly. Okay, all right. Next time.
“ What the fuck Lakembra? Dick, maybe you should give those songs a little pre listen. I'm supposed to repeat, “ I like illustrations of blank blank blank fucked” over and over in my head? This catchy tune, I'm supposed to repeat that at work when it's not true? That's fucked.”
Dick: I was trying real hard to not get that song stuck in my head all week. I can't sing that Lakembra. I can't sing that in my head. If you think the N word is bad, this is hundreds of times worse. And I'm saying in my head things that I don't even want to be conscious of it all.
“ Okay, this is my final try. What I was trying to say was I had - I too had a woman assault me and get away with it. The stupid ugly bitch was like 40 year old. I was 19. It was a lovely summer day, I was working on my motorcycle. So I thought I need some energy drinks, so I go to the gas station, and this woman. I get my energy drink right away, I'll be in and out really fast. And she's standing at the counter, and the clerk is just smiling and she's just yelling at him, threatening and saying shit like, “ Oh I'm going to kill your family. I'm going to kill your dog. I'm going to sneak into your house when you're asleep, slit your throat.” She's smiling kind of chuckling like oh…
Sean: Happens all the time.
Dick: happens all the time.
“ Banter, whatever. Well he kind of had a step aside so we could help me out. And when she realizes I'm right behind her, she turns around, looks at me, and asked me if I can buy her cigarettes. She'll pay me back.”
Sean: So she's a crazy homeless lady.
“ so I said no thanks. So she grabs a mysterious item from behind the counter, sprays me in the face with it, some sort of aerosol can, and her catch phrase is “you stink.” I called the police and tried to box her in, but she out-maneuvers me, whips the can at me, and I run out. I got her car plates. I wait for the police to show up, I'm rinsing my eyes, and this is where I fuck up. I didn't know the laws, I was 19. I told the police that it didn't hurt, because I found out it was just Febreze. She sprayed me in the face with Febreze and said you stink. And because it didn't hurt the police told me that I can't press charges, which in hindsight it sounds like bullshit.
Sean: They didn't want to do paperwork.
Dick: They wanted to go bust some kids for underage drinking and an undercover party.
“ I look her up on Facebook, and the stupid bitch posts some weepy, weepy status about how she would never hurt another living soul, and that she's a super kind of person who doesn't understand why anyone's ever mean to her. Anyway, that's the story of how I was a batteried too.
Dick: You know what, I have another song that I forgot to play. Fuck. ChucknVee also sent in a song called “Fat Cunt Caitlin Hall.” The girl that assaulted 80s girl. I talked to a detective about that. Nothing to report yet. Here we go. I'll end on this one. I also got this button from Jim Schmatz. It's a nut button. You press it, it's a giant button that says nut on it. And then you press it and it says… you have to turn it on sometimes…
Dick: It says nut.
Button: Nut! Nut!
Dick: I think it's to get me through hangovers. I like to nut my way through them.
Button: Nut! Nut! Nut!
Sean: It should count as well.
Dick: It should have one of those track teacher clickers, right? All right, I'm going to play this Fat Cunt Caitlin Hall.
Sean: Send another one.
(Dick starts the song)
(The song stops)
Dick: Right before everything started, I go over to say “are you guys talking about me? The lawsuit?” Caitlin turned into the lumberjack soy boy, the lumber-sexual, and said, “you wouldn’t…” Have you heard of me? Who the hell’s talking about me? “Oh, you wouldn’t like him. He’s a Trump supporter. Oh, you wouldn’t like him. He’s a Trump voter.” That’s why he said “I know you, and I already don’t like you.”
Sean: Yeah, you said that.
Dick: The Trump part? I did? I thought I didn’t say that.
Sean: Last week you did.
Dick: I also remembered, in the case of Big Red, the other woman who attacked me, when she was…
Sean: the shopping cart…
Dick: Yes! I had no time to prepare for that story so I didn’t get to remember and embellish details.
Sean: Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
Dick: Yeah. When she first came over because the muscle dummies with us, the workout boys, the gym boys, when they were looking at her and kind of laughing, but also ogling her ass in the shorts that were way too small, she strutted over. She stomped over and said, - she was showing off her legs like, “You got a problem with my shorts? You got a problem with my shorts? I have 4 kids.” She was slapping her ass like, “I have 4 kids.” And this is what – “And I still look this good.” That was her point. So I was all the way at the other end of the table, and I remember what started everything off. I said, “Hey, I can’t see how good your legs are from all the way down here. Can you pull those shorts up a little more?” And then she stood there, and everyone was kind of laughing and laughing more. She was like, “Yeah, yeah. I had 4 kids.” I was like, get out of here. You blew it. Get the fuck out of here. That’s what caused her to lie in wait.
Sean: Okay, gotcha.
Dick: Like a great red serpent afterwards. A great beastly sphinx. Alright everybody, C U Next Tuesday.
Sean: I need a nap.