The Booger Bandit, sweet-talking movers, bedroom starfish, the Country Mouse and the Shitty Mouse, pizza Jesus, Sean and his raise and also many sexual exploits, the time I was ejected from a Flight of the Conchords concert, Maddox and his shitty Gildan T-shirts, more celebrities call in, using technology to stop bed hogs, #pizzagate, and a bizarre liquor-drink called the Dickball; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Pizza Bigots, Automatic Updates, Human Driving Directions, Holiday Ghost Towns, Bad Hair Cuts
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
Co-workers talking about their kids, Bedroom Starfish
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
|See the Cage|
This week, Sean and I pack up our Uncle Buck’s bootlegged liquor and our used audio equipment I bought at a pawn shop and set sail on a river of piss and homeless for parts unknown as we escape from Hollywood into the wild desert yonder. That’s right, The Dick Show moves from the hell-hole of crime and failure that is the entertainment capital of the world to a luxurious cinderblock bomb shelter in the side of a mountain in the middle of a place no one has ever heard of. But it’s not as perfect as it sounds.
Moving out of Mega City One turns out to be less City Mouse meets Country Mouse and more Shitty Mouse meets Cunty Mouse as I get into a suburban altercation and dick measuring contest with a gay Santa Claus within 30 seconds of my arrival. It was bound to happen sooner or sooner–or even sooner in this case. Half of the people on my new block still have Clinton 2016 signs in their yards, and the other half have Not My President hashtags shoved up their ass. I am a pilgrim in an unholy land.
The worst part of moving is the next part–and then every part that comes after that until you’ve worked yourself into such a frenzied crescendo of exhaustion and hoarding that one more Sophie’s choice between an ugly hat you’ve never worn, but you’ve had since you were a kid, and a book on building bongs that you really want to get around to some day makes you wish you could just burn all your stuff and then jump inside the blaze removing everything that ever was you in one act of defiant glory. Fuck moving. But first…
Many people have complimented the high-quality of my Dick Show T-shirts, but they also ask if I have the same high-quality and also fashion-forward fit available in women’s sizes–and the answer is that yes I do. Nothing says Christmas like matching Dick Show T-shirts for you and the missus. Now, if you’re wondering just how fly you or your lady will look in a Dick Show T-shirt, fitness supermodel and Ms. Bikini Universe @JamieLynnHughes was generous enough to try one on. Thanks Jamie!
Now for something else that can’t be ignored: late night boogers. The kind that sit there whistling in your nostril, mocking you like the The Tell Tale Heart while you’re trying to sleep and poking at the sides of your nose like they’re holding a door open for their boogery friends. It’s the Edison vs. Tesla of our time as Sean and I argue about late night booger disposal strategies. Are you like Sean: a picker and a flicker? Or are you more like me: lying about it? Sound off below!
Rage in the Cage Champion Blast Johnson returns to defend his title with Bedroom Starfish, sexual partners who do nothing in bed. It’s definitely a rage, but Sean and I both thought Blast was talking about a much bigger problem: sleeping partners who take up more than their side of the bed. Bad sex only makes you miserable for a couple minutes, spending all night curling up in a fetal position because you’re sleeping with two horses strapped onto each other’s backs instead of the beautiful woman you went to bed with could make you miserable for the rest of your life. To fix this, I propose a radical new innovation: a laser eye in the sky that bisects the bed to put these hogs on blast for good. I’m including a link to the rotating laser level below (complete with The Dick Show Amazon affiliate link), so you can build this revolutionary device at home. The next thing I’ll be inventing to fuck up your love life is a chess timer for arguments to make sure one side isn’t talking more than the other.
Next, it’s challenger Mr. Nobre’s turn to rage with Pizza Bigots. The thought of having to race co-workers while I’m eating, turning pizza into a Prisoner’s Dilemma and all the panic and subterfuge that entails, ranks very highly on my list of reasons to shoot up the office. Mr. Nobre called in with guns blazing, but was it enough to take down undefeated champ Blast Johnson? Only you can be the judge by voting above. No matter what the overall Rage Board says, I’ll only be tabulating a winner with votes cast this week. So vote early, vote often.
Numero Perdido returns with an animated version of the DickTales theme. I’ve watched this animation twenty times and each time I notice something new.
He also brings us the Mansplainer’s Ballad.
More celebrities call in to congratulate The Dick Show on one million downloads. Here they are in YouTube format if you’d like to mainline them. Let @asterios know which was your favorite on Twitter by calling him new a silly nickname.
Here is the Marry, Fuck, Kill vote as determined by the DickHeads on Facebook.
And here is the thread I mentioned about /u/lago-m-orph dissecting Maddox’s dying brand and podcast. It’s an interesting read, especially if you’re sick of getting blamed for that exact drop for two fucking years. I’m sure I’ll talk more about it next week.
Closing theme by alaz502.
Thumbnail that doesn’t give a fuck about your war or your president by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.