Episode 26 – Dick on Santa

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Blernsday and the 30-hour work week, BCC mistakes and the chamber of shame, Castro’s diaper, dating a Blackula, cowboy dick pics, the shitty Gildan T-shirts that Maddox sells in his store to make an extra buck, Tooth Fairy Truthers, The Rage Lottery: two men enter one man leaves, celebrities call in with congratulations, Lettuce Jones’ secrets, a Tesla coil remix, lies, damned lies, and statistics; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Co-host of Real Nerd Hours, photographer, can't skate.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Lettuce Jones
Free at last. Wrote a screenplay in jail.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Layc Nichole
Playmate, Journalist.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

Welcome to The Dick Show, the only podcast Sean is on with more than a million downloads! It’s the show where everything is a contest, something that two listeners are going to put to the test in the first Rage Cage Match: two men enter, one man leaves. It’s an audio bloodbath like you’ve never heard before! Listen now before they make this level of acoustical carnage illegal! And vote on them here.

Rage Match
Blast Johnson

Co-workers talking about their kids, Bedroom Starfish
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.

Dried Ketchup on the lid
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See the Cage

There’s nothing like a three-day weekend to refill a man’s hatred for his work.

If you think Henry Ford was just an author, I’ve got a stats for you. He also invented the 40-hour work week. Before Henry Ford, people just worked random amounts of time negotiated between them as free and independent parties acting in their own self-interest. It was a nightmare. Libertarian agenda aside, what’s so magical about the 40-hour work week that we all just accept as gospel? Why are there so many studies dedicated to human beings’ natural sleep cycles and how they can be turned into clickbait, but no studies covering our natural work cycles? Exactly how many people are taking 45 minute shits at work every day because they need to kill time? I want a shit break at work so small I can barely see it. The 40-hour work week is a rip off, and I try to prove it.

Speaking of rip offs. Have you ever worn a shirt so stiff and uncomfortable that it feels like it’s made out of burlap and lies? Those shirts are called Gildan shirts and I don’t sell them. I start the show with an extended sidetrack about setting up The Dick Show Store, including testing many shirts for quality and durability–many of which failed at both, and finishing with one of the seven deadly modern sins: putting a bunch of people’s emails on a massive CC blast. What a fuck up. I contemplate my humanity in my Chamber of Shame, which is a lot like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude except with more crying and masturbating.

If you’re looking for more information on the cheap Gildan shirts I was talking about that you can opt to sell instead of the good ones to squeeze a couple extra bucks profit out of fans, check out Maddox’s store because that’s all he sells. But don’t take my word for it, just read this review from one of his customers.

Dick stands for quality. If you have a Dick Show shirt, you know what I’m talking about.

Denzel brings in his rage, Modern Dating, with a story of weirdness and frantic texting and seat belt alarms about a PhD candidate he met off Tinder who spent their entire date blinking TORTURE to their waiter and not drinking water. Is it enough for Denzel to dethrone Madcucks and regain his rightful title of Ho-Host? Only you can decide.

Lacy Nichole returns to read us some news as Sean, Denzel and I compete for her attention. She also tells us about all the dick pics she isn’t getting on Instagram. In fact, it’s a segment full of dicks: Fidel Castro is dead, lying to your kids about Santa could fuck them up for life, Rosie O’Donnell dusts the fat off of her Twitter account for some low-quality shitposting, and I use the opportunity to be extra cynical. Merry Christmas everyone. Right in your face!

Finally, Dave Gamble sends in a literally high energy Dick Show Theme remix on his tesla coil. Check it out here and then call the voicemail number and tell me how badly I fucked up the explanation of what is a Tesla coil. Make sure you wear your Mansplaining outfit.

Outro remix by Andrew Mosteller. The guy’s got a K-Pop podcast if you’re feeling adventurous.

Thumbnail hooked up by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.