Secondary Audio Programming, the rise of the Science Justice Warrior, the failures of high school Spanish, getting fat, how many lies it takes to save the world, a Trump piñata knife altercation, fool’s liquor, Dustin’s man-on-the-street bit, apostrophe’s, women and their purses, Consuelo’s Cinco de Mayo podcast, three-act emasculations, taking ten minutes to say goodbye, headrest hunchbacks, the panicked phone calls of a district run-off, the next two Road Rage cities, Madcucks gets a podcast, I get a pen, and Sean gets a Star Trek shirt; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Creator of the Bestest Show in the Universes. A Real Writer. Shitposting machine., co-host of the Here's What I Don't Get Podcast
Misspelling Sean, Amy Schumer's Comedy Special.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
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On your marks, get set, see who can get the most pissed off about global warming even though there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it or affect it in any way unless you’re going to immediately shut off your computer, throw every device you own into the ocean, never buy food or gasoline again, never shower again, burn down your house, tear out your plumbing, blow up the power grid, un-invent all forms of industrial farming and manufacturing, survive on wild grass, shit in a hole, live under a rock, and then convince everyone you know to do the same thing! At least that’s this guy’s opinion, but I don’t have a PhD in being on television, so what the fuck do I know. If you disagree, post the most outrageously hateful comment the world has ever seen in all caps either on this page or in an email to me because it’s satisfying to fight for something goddammit! But first…
This is how you embed a Tweet.
— Dick Masterson (@dickmasterson) April 30, 2017
This is not, Chris Perez, you dick. How about a March for Credit? Because I’m not getting any here.
Speaking of, what the hell is a March for Science? Because it looks like an adult daycare. You’ve got arts and crafts in sign-making at noon, celebrity Science mascots performing juggling acts with fake altruism, fake humility, and a genuine insane need for attention at two, and then everyone gets to gorge themselves on smug, self-satisfaction until their parents come to pick them up after a long, hard day of doing actual work. It looks like that kind of a joke, but it doesn’t feel like one.
People have told me it’s for “raising awareness” of science, but when it comes to levels of awareness of things, science falls right between tits and food. Science reached maximum awareness when the first guy rubbed two sticks together and created a magical burning vapor that made food simultaneously more delicious and less likely to kill you. The only way to raise the awareness of science any more than it already is is to drop a drop a bunch of free science in the form of a giant missile on your nearest theocracy or figure out a way to fasten a fidget spinner to the tip of your cock.
I’ve also heard it’s a demonstration against “anti-science”, which sounds like a cross between Dennis Hopper’s de-evolution ray from the Super Mario Brothers movie and something you might study at ACME Looniversity, but it isn’t. Apparently “anti-science” is the act of “challenging scientific consensus”, except I’m pretty sure that’s just called science. Or else Einstein is a founding member of “anti-science” for never jumping off the quantum theory bridge despite how many other people were doing it.
Some say it’s about supporting science and the “common good”, but that makes even less sense. There’s no supporting science. It’s chaotic neutral. It’s the alignment no one ever plays because it goes against every natural human instinct. Science doesn’t serve the common good. The common good appears when science is done murdering people.
What the March for Science actually is is a successful rebranding of the word. While we were busy capturing their flags and ruining “cuck”, they went and took “science” all for themselves. Decades of inch-giving to victim complexes, tight-rope walking around triggered tight-asses, and pretending something wasn’t the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever heard in your life, finally whittled away the balls of logic and reason until there are none left, and this is the victory party, parading Science’s nutless, politicized corpse through the streets of a major city near you to rub it in your face and strike fear into the hearts of anyone who doesn’t believe science can be “settled”. Because the science is settled. Just ask the guy on TV dressed like a carnival barker telling you to believe what he says because everyone else does.
The social justice warrior is dead, and the era of the Science Justice Warrior has begun!
But back to saving the world and why it’s impossible. I don’t want to sound like an anti-science, but I’ve never met an engineer who could give an accurate estimate on budgets or timelines or the intersection thereof and I don’t think climate change is any different. A good rule of thumb on getting estimates from engineers is to double whatever they tell you and then double that and double that and continue doubling it until it fits whatever you had in your head before you asked them. Their brains don’t work with estimates because they believe everything they’re going to do will succeed and everything looks like a disaster to them because that’s all they can be bothered to fix. That’s why they do things in the first place. No one ever tried to invent something that doesn’t work for a problem that doesn’t exist. My point is, instead of getting an engineer’s opinion on how fucked the Earth’s climate is and how likely it is that we can stop it, let’s look at the opinion of an actuary, someone who’s job it is to calculate risk. It’s a page of interesting stats at least, even if the entire presentation is anti-science.
Dustin’s visit to Harrisburg, PA.
Peach’s camping meme pics.
Reddit Rage Thread – Lots of good stuff in there. It would make for a good bonus book on tape.
The Sean Trek T-shirt!
And Phteven’s penis a masterpiece. Phteven’s Etsy shop Dogwood Handcrafts.
Lakembra’s 2.5 Million Downloads
Uno miniatura tremendioso by Clay Burton.