Bonus Episode 12 – Dick on Pressure

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Traffic court, accidental crossdressing, the time Coach lost his Chevelle, best man speeches, the job interview story, the fake gun story, friends being drunker than you, questions for Coach, having an itch when you’re falling asleep, being told to do something you’re already doing, ping pong tables at the workplace, how to negotiate, and the pressure cooker of law enforcement; all that and more on this bonus episode of The Dick Show!

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Short write-up today, boys and girls, for a gigantic bonus episode. Stay tuned tomorrow for a hangover, a complete meltdown over Twitter, and special guest News Babe, Ms. Bikini Universe Jamie Lynn Hughes. MAH GAWD!

A cop once told me that everyone he drives by yawns because they’re “trying to act innocent.” I have an alternative theory; the constant specter of a power-tripping, double-speaking lunatic ready to rain hell or at least substantial inconvenience down upon us at any moment causes most people so much anxiety that their brain reverts to a Pangean homonculous–a 3 foot tall, spindly-armed, monkey-assed tree climbing shit rat proto-mammal who doesn’t want to get eaten by the black and white SUV that just pulled up behind him in the bush. Breathe and you’re dead, or at least out $150 for holding your cell phone. But that’s just a theory. The system puts us under so much pressure that behavior is impossible. And every interaction with it has the same awkwardness a first date with someone you don’t want to fuck, but who definitely wants to fuck you. And the system does want to fuck you, my friends. The system does.

Speaking of awkward. I tell a few increasingly drunk tales of shame and embarrassment, but which is the worst? The fake gun story, the accidental cross-dressing story, the job interview story, let me know on Twitter or in the comments below.

DUH DUH-DUH DUHH! DA DA DA DUHHHH thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.