Bonus Episode 5 – Dick on Three Beers

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Thanksgiving is the drinker’s holiday, a cause for a robot uprising, the benefits of three beers, I ruin a children’s magic show, an indecent proposal, winning at identity politics, who would you have a beer with, riots, class clowns, and a plus size erotic story; all that and more on this month’s Bonus Episode of The Dick Show!

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Many of you will be spending long hours this week stuck in planes, trains, and automobiles this week trying to get back to your loved ones, so you can try to avoid them by screwing around on the internet in another room. That’s what the holidays are for. To help with that, I’ve got a double dose of Dick in your ear with this month’s bonus episode.

This bonus episode begin with a story of betrayal and double-crossing, when my brother-in-law tricks me into building a jungle gym for his son while he is out of town. It’s a classic tale of paying it forward until “the fuck stops here” on yours truly. But before that…

Everything in the world is half-assed. Imagine a bowl of Skittles. Now imagine that some small percentage of those Skittles are actually M&M’s. That’s because the guy at the factory filling up bags of Skittles didn’t give a fuck. He was just eating some M&M’s trying to get through his day and accidentally dumped them in the vat. The quality control guy also didn’t give a fuck because he was playing Candy Crush, and their factory manager didn’t give a fuck because he’s fighting with his wife over email, and the divisional directory of logistics didn’t give a fuck because his wifi never works anyway, and the COO didn’t give a fuck and neither did the CEO because why would they? They get paid either way. That’s the world we live in where every single purchase more complicated than watching an ad and clicking on a “Like” results in a bowl of Skittles I’d rather dump in the garbage than put in my mouth.

I propose a revolutionary “top down” idea to stem the tide of half-ass and cause the world less instances of rage-induced heads exploding. Pornsavers was a device that could change the world, the CEO Zap App is an app that can do the same–or maybe it’s stupid. You have to listen to find out. One thing can’t be argued with. If your brother-in-law asks you to help him put something together this holiday season, fake your own death.

Next, most of us might not remember our first time having sex, but we all remember in ultra high-definition and in crystal clarity the first time someone stole a joke from us, blurting it out in class to a deafening uproar of children’s laughter that still wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

I talk about joke thieves and hesitation and the magic of Three Beers. I also describe ruining a children’s birthday party magic show by turning three beers into four beers. If you think I ruined the show by heckling the magician, you would be wrong. I was the magician.

Then we have an erotic tale of big and beautiful proportions, a caller has an indecent proposal, Dustin has questions for Coach and asks me a question I can’t answer: who would I have a beer with if it could be anyone in history. Finally, I teach a man how to beat his girlfriend in an argument.

Thumbnail made handily by Brandon from Maximum! Panic. Check out his live stream to see how the sausage is made.