Secret mushroom farms, my father the pimp and his Infinity Slap, ambition, the reversal of a gender dysmorphia disorder, Dustin defends his loot crate scheme, who exactly are “white people” and how can I thank them, too-long movies, peaceful protests, genuine fear, the mis-execution of a simple plan, and Lego Batman; all that and more on this month’s bonus episode of The Dick Show!
The train comes off the tracks, the inmates take over the asylum, the goddamn plane crashes into the mountain, all your base are belong to us, Charlie Sheen has been replaced by Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men, you forgot to clear your cache before connecting your laptop for a Power Point presentation, Busty Haley and her comfy PJs, and any other euphemism you can think of for things getting disastrously out of control is the perfect description for this bonus episode of The Dick Show and all the Big Swinging Dicks on Patreon know what I’m talking about because they saw it live!
It started out as a simple idea: find Coach someone to take under his wing and advise in the way he’s done for me. For example, I now own more guns than I have hands. Solid life coaching. I will occasionally open the evening with a shot of tequila with no intention of doing another just to intimidate the other liquor if it starts to get any ideas. Again, firmly in the wheelhouse of a life coach. That’s what we were going for, however, somewhere along the way, something went a bit He Will Not Divide Us-y, but first…
Batman is the perfect dad. Reliable in important ways like kicking the shit out of bad guys and being a billionaire, and unreliable in unimportant ways like considering the ethical ramifications of what he’s doing, talking about feelings, or giving a single fuck about what anyone thinks. Batman is immune to likes, and the entire civilized world is searching for that dad in every frantic Tweet, every desperate selfie, and every degenerate reality show. Those are our collective Bat Signals, beaming and streaming and screaming into the sky on millennial microwaves–even though it’s not just them we all do it, in hopes that dad will one day appear on our window sill in a black cowl show up and say, “Knock that shit off.” That’s why over the last twenty years, Batman has become more popular than a Beatles reunion tour fronted by Jesus singing chiptune versions of Beyonce. He tolerates our Robin without contempt–unlike that prick Superman, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay $20 to listen to Hollywood cut Batman’s nuts off.
Look, I got triggered bigly by the Batman Lego movie and I didn’t realize how much until we started recording. I had intended to talk about gambling. I guess we’ll do that next month. Anyone want to take odds on that?
Movies are also too long. That was my original point. 90 minutes and I’m out. Movies should be a Tweet, not a Tumblr.
After my meltdown, listener Phteven calls in with a sexy tale of booty piracy in the dangerous furry seas where group yiffing abounds and secret sex dungeons lurk around every corner. Phteven’s story has as many twists and turns as the non-human martial aids he describes in his erotic encounter, but the most shocking twist is the apparent reversal of gender dysmorphia by a well-timed compliment from a woman. Like so much else in this episode, I don’t know what to make of it. I know that I’ve never heard of that happening before, and I’m wondering why that is. It makes sense. No drug or dangerous act or combination of the two comes close to the high of a woman complimenting you on your arms, but what do I know, I’m just a guy who got triggered by a Lego movie.
Every Moment of Your Life by re-mix superoock Sam Glaze.
And here are the presents!
And this fucking beauty from Craig Mine
Finally, Dustin from Facebook brings in a contest the likes of which we’ve never seen. A competition to see who my life coach will take under his wing. Sounds like a great plan, right? Most plans do. Then you get hit. I still don’t know what to make of this episode, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I sincere thank you to everyone who called in. I hope to see you taking victory laps around the Facebook. What I do know is that definitively, I have determined who is most in need of Coach’s services and the answer may surprise you. Find out next Tuesday on The Dick Show!
Thanks to Nope.wmv for this fantasy fulfilling thumbnail.