Episode 127 – Dick on Killing Kids

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De-platformed from charity, ten counts of stalking, The Wall Street Journal kills kids, Asterios’ sanctions court date, Save Our Pets stickers, how to get your girlfriend to lose weight, screwing over your coworkers, my anti-charity, hate speech, holocaust denial, making me emotional, women helping wounded men, student loans, another painful manifesto Maddox has written to fit in in the LA comedy scene, a painful and celebrating the one-year anniversary of The Lolsuit; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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But first…

Psychopaths are fascinating to society because they are capable of tremendous acts of evil without a hint of remorse. Society is fascinating to psychopaths for the same reason.

People as a whole are a complex and exposed system of dials and inputs, beliefs that work like logic gates and platitudes like polarized mirrors, reflecting only good and never bad, circuits of tradition and capacitors of shame and hatred, that when given proper inputs, will produce any output you can imagine. You can end up on the moon, or you can end up in a concentration camp–or in a socialist famine. Things you could never get a single person to do, you can get a people to do. It’s the same machine either way.

Taking cancer medicine from children and giving it to Nazis and racists, for example, people can be made to do that. And then they’ll wake up the next day and pat themselves on the back for it, ready and willing and eager to process more input.

Over a month ago, I participated in a livestream for charity called the #Healstream. It was a six-hour event organized by Ethan Ralph of The Ralph Retort that gathered some of the spiciest jokesters, meme-sters and thought-vomiters on the Internet, and harnessed their bants and drunkenness to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. The stream climaxed in a drunken sing-along about a gay cowboy orgy and raised over $26,000. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but it was more than I expected. The generosity of viewers is always more than I expect. The silent majority, the invisible, and the predominantly male demographic that comprises the listenership of both this show and The Ralph Retort–your generosity is always more than I expect. You want to help, you need to help, you love to help; especially when it comes to kids. And you did.

But sadly for those children with cancer, the #Healstream also featured some off-color remarks.

“Problematic” you might say. At least that’s how Yoree Koh put it, a reporter and craven click-whore for The Wall Street Journal–and a recently new mother. That’s how she put it when she asked YouTube and St. Jude’s to justify all this “problematic” money blowing in over the transom…or else. It’s the unspoken “or else” of journalists/activists. The same unspoken “or else” Maddox used when he pretended to be a woman and got Asterios fired for associating with me and my “problematicism”. It’s the threat of being used, cast not as a villain in a story, but cast at all. It’s the first crank of a machine that’s already been configured.

Journalists have to sell ads to survive. That’s their entire function. And the best way to sell ads is to tell epic stories of evil, not of good vs. evil, but of evil. The unresolved story, the four-act structure of “news” that never resolves and keeps people perpetually anxious and aroused and ready for more. What could be more titillating than evil? Than the gang-rape of charity by problematic goblins? And then slap a Honda ad on it. Yoree Koh and the Wall Street Journal need that money to live, and that’s why the cancer kids can’t have their medicine.

So, you can’t blame the journalist. She’s just the crank. She didn’t even refund the money anyway. YouTube did.

Maybe a confirmation email from YouTube sent to the charitable donors would have been morally defensible before refunding their money. A second-grade loyalty oath like a note passed in Tolerance Class:

“Do you support hate speech? Click Y or N.”

But your money isn’t the point. Charity isn’t the point. “Good” is the point.

YouTube’s Super Chat for Good feature is a loss-leader to get people used to paying micro transactions for live content, and once they do, to take 30% of further micro-payments. I’m sure YouTube’s research shows that the first dollar spent is the most difficult and that once customers have their credit cards entered into the system, once they’ve put out once, they’ll put out again with minimal effort. That’s how dating works after all. If the charities had a good agent, they’d ask for a cut in perpetuity of said revenue, but they don’t. Charities are stupid, as we will see.

Obviously, YouTube can’t have their loss-leader tainted with the stink of man. Customers will use any excuse not to part with their cash, and this is no exception. YouTube is trying to lure out the riches of the Eloy, the thoughtless and spendthrift, the Adam Sandler demographic. They can’t have a bunch of Morlocks shitting up the place and frightening off their meal.

YouTube needs the Super Chat for Good to be exactly that, good and pure and simple. They need it to compete in an increasingly hostile space of goodness and simpleness–streaming content conglomerates that produce programming designed for morons more better. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video Prime, et al; YouTube needs access to the money of the people paying for the dog shit programming on these competitors, or else they can’t survive. YouTube needs this money to live, and that’s why the cancer kids can’t have their medicine.

And then there’s St. Jude’s.

I guess people dedicating their lives to saving children are good, but maybe it’s just a job. When asked to comment on the #Healstream, a PR spokesperson for St. Jude’s said, “we had no intention of receiving or accepting any of the funds associated with the live stream.”

That’s a punch in the gut if I ever read one. I’ve been kicked out of bars, bedrooms, even an entire Indian reservation, but I never thought I’d get PNG’ed from the act of charity itself. I thought money was always green, no matter what the color of the jokes the person giving it was.

You have to understand something though, St. Jude’s gets billions of dollars in funding from big corporations. If the #Healstream were to jeopardize that with their “problematic” donations, it would end up doing more harm than good. That seems like a dangerous road for a hospital to go down to me, committing themselves to a imaginary scenarios that could hypothetically create greater harm than good, or vice versa. In fact, it seems so morally pernicious that someone should make an oath to protect against it, preventing physicians from doing harm even if it would prevent greater harm, like murdering a murderer, or withholding treatment. But it doesn’t matter, children in this imaginary scenario of decreased funding need that money to live, and that’s why the cancer kids can’t have their medicine.

See? It’s a fascinating machine. Using only the power of imagination, a great and blameless evil has been achieved with seemingly no effort. The theory of evil is one of dilution, it’s a team sport, and there’s no “I” in “evil” as long as everyone agrees there isn’t. It’s a system of checks and balances where no one did anything wrong as long as they can balance the checks of their bottom line, and it’s only just $27,000 anyway. Why do you care so much? I don’t. It’s in the best interests of my bottom line to never give to charity in the first place, and that’s why the cancer kids can’t have their medicine.

Here is my chat with Nick Rekieta about free speech, the Supreme Court, garage nukes, safe harbor laws, Etherium, and why social media companies can’t be sued for fucking you over.

And here is my chat with Asterios and Mumkey Jones about sanctions and rape lists.

“Breezecucks” by Myroom Records.

“Dr. Nurse, Dr. Nurse” by Ken Doll in Hide.

And here is an incredible Sonic fanart that I want to fuck by MissPhase. Girl’s (I presume) got a Patreon five times the size of Maddox’s drawing gender-swapped Sonic porn. How about that shit!
Moar Dick Pics

And a thumbnail I can’t donate to charity by HeHeSillyComics, who is back on Twitter!