Episode 151 – Dick on Lifetime Subscriptions

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A case for the $500 minimum wage, how companies pushing the possibility of failure onto you, how to fix the student debt crisis, Sean brings me something I asked for from Australia, polyamory advice, the importance of friends, bureaucracy, the American TSA, Sick Liars, women’s need to buy and sell things, and an economist says I’m stupid; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I asked Sean for one thing from Australia, one of the incredible “kangaroo shirts” made by Protski that were on sale in both Melbourne and Sydney. Maybe to have ironically or as a reminder of life’s many great lessons that can be learned from this epic fuckup: no matter how much you plan and try, something can always fuck it up, never underestimate known quantities of bureaucracy, ride ass hard and ride it all day long, and things are never as bad as you think they are–and also because it’s a bad ass shirt of a kangaroo getting the shit kicked out of it.

And a stubby cooler, which was also on sale.

This is what I got:

I think in the end, it’s the shirt I deserve. And the Grinch’s emails grew a little longer that day. But first…

50% of millennials said they would give up their right to vote for student loan forgiveness.

Which means two things:

1. It most will certainly happen.

There is no future that doesn’t involve the repaying of student loans by the US tax payer. A gift of free money for the American Kindergarten of 13th-18th grade: draw in coloring books, have safe spaces, dream about what you want to be when you grow up, drink until you pass out, eat cereal for lunch and tell everyone about how you do that like a fucking child; delivered by the 50% directly into the pockets of the 1% of the 1%, the intellectuals and academics pulling down hundreds of thousands a year in exchange for polluting the zeitgeist of a nation with thinking un-evolved by capitalism, the vanguards of post-modernism, who the most smug and effete know-it-alls you know aspire to be. The righteous priest class of professors and researchers and male feminists and feminists who have been attempting to establish a monopoly on rage for the last 40 years, were it not for those damn Deltas.

They definitely want their money. And they’ll send in wave after wave of grad students to get it.

The old paradigm of paying for what you need for is dead. College. Making a risk-based decision, weighing the pros and cons, measuring success, having a measurement for success, and either spending your resources to enjoy them or investing them to enjoy more later. Delayed gratification is dead and Boomers killed it. Long live the new paradigm! The life subscription model! The zero money alternative of endless slavery and infinite choice, so long as you want one thing: The American Dream. Lucky for you, the American Dream comes in two terrific subscription packages! Silver and Fucked.

For our Silver members, you’ll get a free college education and an “affordable” home subscription brought to you by Fannie Mae, or Chase, or whoever the fuck. Doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that it’s going to cost you the rest of your life. You were going to work anyway, right? At least this way, you’ll have something to not show for it. A brand new series of phones made in China, free, neutral, and organic Internet–not as fast as it should be, but hell, none of this shit is not as good as it could be, but you won’t have time to think about that. You have an entertainment subscription to enjoy, brought to you Disney. Unending, retold, and rehashed versions of the same miasmic shit, repetitive shit, so ham-fisted and fixated on unlikely heroism it makes Sonic fan fiction look like Ibsen, which I only know from Bojack Horseman–part of your Disney entertainment subscription. And if you think this life sounds like it’s too good to be true, don’t worry, the Silver Life Subscription plan also features a state of permanent crisis. Like waterboarding for your future and finances. The limbo and illusion of a constant state of drowning in debt and existentialist mania that can only be properly simulated with total and complete control of every aspect of your amazing American dream life.

Not for you? Then try our Fucked subscription package. You get to pay for all that, but it also comes with the choice of not using it.


The second thing I realized after reading that quote is that I have already been sold the ad. I use the term “forgiveness” in my head when it comes to student loans before I even wrote it. All is lost!

Dick Pics

Fan Songs

“Bureaucracy” by BebiJeezes.

“Tie Me Plane Ticket Down” by Anthony Charles Esq.

“Dumbest Dick” by Savestate Corrupted.

The Sean Show logo by Nadav Halevi.