Episode 168 – Dick on Road Rage: Minneapolis

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Two hobbits steal 80s Girl’s car and I sleep through it, the Yang Gang wants you to live in a trash can, Let’s Talk About Suicide, Human Trafficking Everyone, fifty ways to secretly record your lover, Egg Clay Day, doubling down on a d*ck pic debt, how to disciprine, Crippled Jesus’ strip club adventure, a Mumkey Jones sex tape review, back pain, racing automatic previews, sports for losers, problems with Star Trek: TNG, and everything you know about obesity is wrong; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Crippled Jesus
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Is a Rage!

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We’re back from Minneapolis, Minnesota–The Great Somalian North, as the locals call it–a little wiser, a little liquorier, and with indecipherable memories. Nothing could sum up the trip like this picture:

And he did. Video for the show will be posted today or tomorrow. Big thanks to everyone who came from far and wide: Nick Rekieta, Egg White, Maxwell Kimball, Tanner for hosting the villa experience and reining in Clay Early’s egg-throwing insanity, Joshua McCaffrey who we wouldn’t have been able to do it without, and of course all of you without which the show would be much less socially acceptable to put on.

Watch out for a Patreon email later for the video, but first…

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine that day,
But things were even worse for Dick Masterson in LA.
Late one night Dick’s girlfriend’s car sat in his driveway.
The night it would be stolen, even though the lease still had much to pay.

But the thieves who came did not know this house was armed to the teeth,
And just how many loaded guns were in the owner’s reach.
A man consumed by hate and rage and waiting for a way,
To unleash it on deserving folk, who would wish upon him the same.

Two hoodlums approached the house measuring five foot high,
They were built like little girls, with shirts descending to their thighs.
Feather-weight at best while Dick was quite the opposite.
They had as much meat on their whole bodies as he had just in his Creatine-bloated tits.

They crunched across the crunchy gravel, and lit the motion lights.
One that summoned Dick every time, ready for a fight.
Because the man could never sleep until four or five AM.
And here it was, the only time in life, it would actually come to aid him.

The tiny car was unlocked with an all too familiar…beep!
And the criminals climbed inside, now they were in way too deep.
They turned the key once, and twice, and the engine wouldn’t start,
Cameras from all angles ready to film the perps get torn apart.

Oh somewhere in this favored land, justice would be sweet.
Heads would be smashed and tears and blood would run upon the street.
And somewhere women’s panties soaked, over revenge a man would reap.
But the is no joy in Mudville–Dick Masterson was fast asleep.

“No Pay” by Hazencruz
Fucking flagged.

“Cripple Jesus Move Bitch” by Anthony Charles Esq.

Dick Pics

A thumbnail of arrested development by plebcomics.