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DickTales, the curse of a home pool table, boob scams, a cross-eyed race car driver, ruined shorts, Sean wants to see my cock, cigar advice from Sean’s dad, Asterios lingers, leaked concession speeches, Tom Phillips comes home, Lettuce Jones goes to prison, a debate with the Sneaky Greek, gifts, gifts, gifts, and my final thoughts on Trump; all this and more on today’s episode of The Dick Show!
Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
Free at last. Wrote a screenplay in jail.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
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That’s what I like about these high school girls. The Dick Show gets longer, they stay the same age.
Welcome to a three-hour Dickstravaganza! Two Dick Tales in one episode, more presents than a white-privilege Christmas, and a debate that will ruin someone’s personal and professional reputation forever. But first a rage…
The home pool table; a travesty of billiards and the weirdest status symbol and shared hallucination from the generation that invented shared hallucination, the baby boomers. Why are they obsessed with having this one element of a bar in their homes? Why do they insist that you can still enjoy a game of pool while holding the cue at seventy degree angle while taking your shot because no house on Earth is big enough for a goddamn pool table and there’s always that one corner that fucks up the entire game? The home pool table is like a front lawn for your living room from a generation that thought it could shape reality with positive thinking.
Then, it’s a time of celebration for me as I talk about the stress of receiving presents in general, and then the ultimate release of the greatest birthday present I’ve ever received; my own personal Rosebud that stayed the Falling Down-style psychotic breakdown of the Monster at the end of my Book for another year: a fixed button on my shorts. I haven’t taken them off for a week. And the gifts keep on coming. The boys and girls from #TheDickShow channel on IRC send in so many sick presents, they wouldn’t fit into a single box, including a clone-a-cock kit so I can literally go fuck myself, Milked at her Uncle’s Farm, the visual book adaptation of the famous audio book, a Trump bobble head, and a rad custom Dick Show glassware threesome for myself, Sean, and a guest. Check them out below:
Here are the cigars, as told to me by Derek Gooley, the Edgar Friendly of the IRC group.
1. Caldwell Eastern Standard – medium bodied, pretty creamy
2. Drew Estate Undercrown Shade – mild-medium, very easy to smoke, creamy/nutty
3. La Palina El Diario – medium-full bodied, spicy but well balanced. Probably the strongest of the 4.
4. Arturo Fuente Añejo – medium bodied, a bit of spice, cream, and raisins. The wrapper is aged in cognac barrels, so there’ll be a little of that taste too. This is one of my favorite cigars, and I’ve had this particular one aging in my humidor for almost a year, so it should be fantastic.
The cigars prompt a DickTale about the time Sean and I got into a pit crew fight at a stock car event with a cross-eyed race car driver, and Sean’s dad’s advice on how not to smoke a cigar like a tit. To mark the occasion of another rambling story of poor decisions and degeneracy that may or may not find its way back to the point, Chris Strand sends in a song called DickTales:
It’s the last Dick Show of the election season. In seven days, that Trump coloring book from Anthony M.G. will either be colored and stained with tears of righteousness or tears of defeat and agony. I have to say I’m going to miss a lot of it. I’ll miss the laughs, I’ll miss the memes, I’ll miss the triggering, but I’m not going to miss being called a racist and an idiot by some of the same people who’ve sent me one of those chain letters saying “Facebook doesn’t own my photos or status updates and any government agency listening to this correspondence is breaking international law”, just in case. Speaking of people who shouldn’t vote…
Drink responsibly. Drive responsibly. Put a weird, uncomfortable plastic tube on your dick before you have sex based on a long shot chance of encountering an STD. These are dangerous things we are encouraged to do with a maximum of prudence, but voting? It’s a shoe ad. Just do it! I present a different ideology. If you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a sports event, maybe don’t vote. If you’ve ever called a psychic, reiki healer, or needed to stock up on magical crystals before a job interview at an Herbalife scam, how about sit this one out? If you call yourself your dog’s parent, give this election a miss! If you’ve ever wrecked your car because you were drunk, maybe judgement isn’t your strong suit–but what the hell do I know? Vote responsibly kids. If you just want the sticker to post on Instagram and you don’t have time to read about the issues, the people at the voting booth will probably just give you one.
A major Wikileak in both the Trump and Clinton campaigns provides The Dick Show with the concession speeches we’ve all been dying to hear. Half of us will lose next week, and half of us with weep with glory. For now, let’s all just enjoy the fantasy as I read leaked concession speeches from both presidential candidates 70% of America loves to hate. Thanks to Jordan for sending them in.
Dr. Smooth Rod sends in some disturbing fan art to commemorate the great debate between the world’s smallest face and New York’s most boisterous coconuts. Here it is:
And here is the vote. Who won the presidential debate. Personally, I think debates are just a mechanism for people to seem smarter than they actually are and that real truth comes from a screaming argument, .
This episode’s outro theme is Dick Show Unplugged by Rodney Phillips. Head over to the Fan Music page for more sick beats.
Also, congratulations to the winner of the #DickorTreat Dick Masterson Halloween contest on Facebook: DickHeads Robin and Jamie and little DickHead Oli! Your Dick Show T-shirts are on their way!
Extreme thumbnail of friendship by Brandon from Maximum! Panic.
Also, check out the Dick Store, now open for business. Shirts are already selling out. All HIGH ENERGY backorders will ship in 7 days.
Special Thanks to #thedickshow IRC Crew: 688as, Brandon of Maximum! Panic, tumblerofscotch, Ty Wyatt, Chris Strand, Jamie Lynn Hughes, Abein, Clash, and Woods.