Episode 39 – Dick on Santa Cuck

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If the moon landing was a joke, a plan comes together, DIY glow in the dark pee, Seder pranks, period boobs, Lent, “Santa Cuck: Bald Headed Lies” becomes immortal, the science of spite, the organ of shame, hot chicks making goofy faces, the lazy gods among us, Consuelo’s final podcast, beating Adele, the Alpha Trap-slayer, Cucks in the Wind, the death of another podcast, negotiating against yourself, and a thorough defense of peeing while sitting down; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Asterios Kokkinos
Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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Imagine if after landing on the moon and butchering his quote, Neil Armstrong had written “John Glenn sucks cocks” in the moon dust. Imagine if the the cure for cancer was encrypted in the Lemon Party picture. Imagine if Donald Trump invented some kind of Ground Hog’s Day/Edge of Tomorrow time-rewinding machine to replay the election year again and again until he found the exact series of insults at the exact right moments that would win him the presidency? That is basically what Asterios Kokkinos has done. It’s a tale that begins with a simple prank and and ends in an immortality, but first…

Here’s a link to the headline I read about the study of spite and punishment mentioned on the show. People think they’re entitled to 30%, and if they don’t get that, they’re burning 100% of everyone’s shit to the ground–at least that’s how it reads to me! I don’t know if that has anything to do with politics, but it feels like it does. It feels like it has to do with everything. I thought it was interesting, but not as interesting as a guy who made his own urine glow in the dark, which we also talk about on the show.

Meanwhile, I present the new face of iTunes Comedy Albums.

Santa Cuck.

Santa Cuck. The cyber-demonic elfin weirdo who boistered into our lives one shouty Christmas in January, representing not the spirit of giving, but the spirit of comedy bits that were good ideas, but weren’t done in time, is now the face of iTunes Comedy Albums. It started with a simple boast.

If you’re looking for the supplemental materials to go along with the story of “Santa Cuck: Bald Headed Lies”, here they are:

The Pledge, wherein Asterios Kokkinos makes a wager among DickHeads and hangs a big ole matzo ball out for the whole world to see.

The Turn, wherein “Santa Cuck: Bald Headed Lies” is written, recorded (with harmonies), and published on iTunes in less than 24 hours and debuts at #199.

The Prestige, wherein Santa Cuck exceeds all expectations, trounces Maddox in the ratings, beats Adell in some countries, and shoves a bitter lump of coal up the stockings of cucks worldwide and becomes the new face of iTunes Comedy.

Long live Santa Cuck, the immortal Spirit of Christmas Spite.

Here are the sales numbers for #1 ranked “Santa Cuck: Bald Headed Lies”. Unfortunately, neither Asterios nor I have exact sales figures for albums that peak at less than #1, for example, #5 or #6, or #22. If you want to get accurate figures on those positions, you’ll have to ask someone else.

But wait, there’s more! Immediately before the recording of this episode, Billboard magazine emailed Asterios. That’s right, that Billboard magazine. The same Billboard magazine that has charted famous recording artists like Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, and R. Kelly, requesting information on “What is a Santa Cuck” and “Why is it a charting?” I think Billboard magazine should do a story on Asterios and his triumphant success. It’s got everything; engaging human drama, a radical experiment in community creativity, the Internet’s influence on music and sales, and I already told the story! It just needs be transcribed and to have a byline slapped on top of it.

If you’re the kind of person who gets jokes, tell Billboard magazine to RUN THE SANTA CUCK STORY!

Next, Kimball calls in to talk about the death of the now defunct podcast Fight Night: With Clegg & Kimball. It was a good show. I listened to nearly half of episode four and my attention span is so bad, I can barely watch a GIF. Anyway, here is Asterios on Fight Night with Clegg and Kimball, Episode 4. I clicked in to about the 8 minute mark, but your random clicking mileage may differ. There is a Deal or No Deal moment when Asterios tempts the incalcitrant Clegg with a tit-for-Goss arrangement that is more suspenseful than the Kentucky Derby if the jockeys were suicide bombers and a box of your childhood shit that you still haven’t picked up at your parents’ house was at the finish line. I think it’s around the twenty minute mark.

Lakembra, Samglaze, 688as, and the boys from the IRC put together a tune that will touch your heart twice in a place you warned it to stay away from called Cucks in the Wind.

And Asterios’ theme.

Outro Remix by Rhodri and Andrew from the K-Pop Podcast

And here are the beautiful DickHeads of the UK. When I talk about getting duped into eating blood pudding, they get it.

This Thursday, I’ll be releasing a special 2-hour bonus episode called Dick on The Biggest Problem YouTube Show, and then a Predator Dicktation commentary track to follow later in the month. Download both via The Dick Show Patreon, now with RSS abilities!

Peach Saliva will be in the studio next week to take credit for everything described above, and finally, reaction GIFs!

Executively overreaching thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.