Episode 66 – Dick on False Alarms

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Sean’s performance review/birthday, ROAD RAGE: LOS ANGELES, fire alarms make me wish I was burning to death, Rocketman and asteroid mining, Steve Hofstetter, comedian pilots, airport bean bags, I don’t know what is a parsec, Asterios’ alt-right business ideas, Hazencruz’s fat girls on Tinder song, package thieves and Jokey Smurf, The Indiana Jones Leather Man BAG network, Trump Sci-Fi, an acceptable reason to abandon your family, pee arguments, the tipping point of a hangover, taking a plane crash to he face, and problems with The Red Cross; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Steve Hofstetter
Comedian, Anti-heckler.
Funny pilots
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Former mod of /r/The_Donald, author of New Possibilities, the post-Trump Sci-Fi
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

Strap on your gluten-free galoshes and get ready to set sail for fail as the Dick Show Presents Road Rage: Los Angeles! The City of Failure is burning and the ashes of our McMansions will make fertile ground for an inebriated shit show beyond compare. So come one, come all; all you writers, actors, singers, songwriters, models, single, double, and triple threats, and the rest of you dreamers–before Trump deports you, to the Dick Show presents ROAD RAGE: LOS ANGELES Friday October 13th at 8PM!


But first…

Where the fuck are the volume knobs on smoke detectors? I imagine they are in that room of magical bullshit inventions from Men in Black that will change the world if they ever got out because they would sure change mine. Every time my fire alarm goes off, I hope that my house actually is on fire so I could just jump in to escape the ear-shredding shriek of failure and vertigo that is my first line of defense against trying to defrost a piece of chicken. At least after my experience this week, I know that if I ever needed to escape from a burning building in the middle of the night, the biggest hinderance would be the fire alarm itself, the vertigo-inducing, IQ-shredding mechanical noise singularity that has me questioning the difference between walls and floors like I woke up in an H.P. Lovecraft short story, and stopping every three steps like I’m trying to hold back a gallon of diarrhea. Fuck smoke detectors.

Next, every generation since the beginning of time thinks that the one following them is full of degenerate reprobates, incompetent, disrespectful goldbricking malcontents, incapable of holding down a job or using their genitals properly without instruction or technology, obsessed with instant gratification, and disrespectful of their elders. The next generation is dumb and silly and wrong, the previous one says, and it has always been bullshit…UNTIL NOW. Ladies and gentlemen, I have have proof that the world is going to hell in a boho hand basket made from the cover of a classic LP, and that this social media generation is taking us there. To wit…

Absolutely disgusting. My friends, this is a wrong way to piss! This is an amoral way to piss, this is a backwards way to piss, and this affront to pissery will not stand! Piss-gate ramps up this week as my call to piss-normalcy backfires; the result of a dozen surveys spread across many different platforms is that the urinal is a No-Fly zone for a majority of men, and I don’t mean a small majority, I mean a big ole package flopping right over the waistband majority. This is not acceptable and I aim to fix it. Next week, I’ll have gathered a group of volunteers–piss-tronauts if you will, who will embark on a week-long journey of soul searching and value questioning, a week full of piss-piphanies if you will. An experiment that will culminate in a new era of proper pissing technique, which I shall call Pax Urea. Stay tuned.

For anyone who wants to go down Steve Hofstetter’s heckler hole, here are his greatest hits.

And Hazencruz sends in another parody about the problem of large women on Tinder. I wonder what’s more prevalent on Tinder by percentage, women who crop out 20 years of eating disorder, or men who crop out their girlfriends.

Here is the flood of Tweets and articles I mentioned on the show explaining what the The Red Cross is all about. I thought it was interesting. They seem to be front and center during every national crisis, increasingly open for donations with the click of a button on the portal to your life, but it doesn’t sound like they’re doing a great job of it, or at least they’re doing a shady job of it.

WarOfTheFanBoys calls in to promote his book “New Possibilities: A Post-MAGA Speculation”.

And from Prince Street Leather, this beautiful piece of work and the reason why I’ve always called this show The Indiana Jones Man Bag Network. I have not yet discovered how many beers it can hold.

Dick pics!

City of Failure thumbnail by Clay Burton.

And the closing re-mix like a warm 8-bit blanket by Savestate Corrupted.

Thumbnail that’s worth all the platinum ever mined by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.