Pornhub: The Promised Land of de-platforming, taking protesting teenagers off the streets for their own safety, gearing up for “The Revenge of the Jedi”, the Squatty Potty debate, Maddox’s attempt at a $2,545 shakedown, how to tell if a chick is ovulating, Captain Jack*ss investigates Dustin’s Dickumentary, how many chicks is too many chicks, the Omnibus bill, eating hair, Ron Babcock is “sorry not sorry” that he doesn’t give a fuck about his friends or free speech being sued to oblivion, and Chutzpah explodes all over the lolsuit with a new motion for sanctions; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
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Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.
Is a Rage!
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The climactic culmination of the six-month-long buildup to an epic Maddox vs. Dick Masterson court case…will NOT be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation. This just in on the fuck-wire, due to a scheduling conflict, the hearing for my Motion to Dismiss Maddox’s career-suicide lolsuit has been postponed. And my balls are blue about it. My balls are so blue, they look like they failed to head a warning from Willy Wonka about chewing magical bubblegum due to their own character flaws. My balls are so blue, Paul Bunyan could slap horns on them and create the many and wondrous lakes of Minnesota by dragging them across it. My balls are so blue, ladies and gentlemen, they might as well market mainframe, middleware, and software technology, and be responsible for several innovations we take for granted in modern life, such as the ATM, magnetic stripe cards, the hard disk drive, and the SQL programming language. I don’t know when court is rescheduled for, all I know is I’m going to blow my brains out with liquor tonight, but first…
Maybe instead of skipping class to protest that they have too many rights, America’s teenagers should be in school learning why we have them. But because that’s never going to happen, I have a better idea. If the kids are going to protest anyway, let’s give them something to protest about!
Car rental companies have it figured out. You can’t drive til you’re 25. Because before then, you’re a statistical safety hazard to yourself and others. And if there’s one thing David Hogg and these #MarchForLife anti-gun protests have taught me, it’s that teenagers need more protection against statistics. They’re such a precious fucking national resource after all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been elbow deep in work emails or trying to have a nice day out with friends and family and thought, “Gee, this whole thing would be better if there was more goddamn teenagers skulking and stumbling around, simultaneously mumbling and shrieking at each other like drunken soccer moms at a whore convention.” Not even Maddox’s biggest admitted hebephile fans (of which he has many for some reason) cares more about the safety and lives of the American teenager than I do. That’s why we’ve got to take their driver’s licenses away. Fuck em; for their own protection.
Sure, take our bump stocks. And guns are bad. We’ll make it the new slogan for the NRA. But teenage drivers are worse. Let’s look at the facts, 100% of teenage drivers will be less dangerous when they’re 25, and less danger is better no matter what the cost, right? Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand teenagers only want to get rid of the bad guns, and I only want to get rid of bad teenage driving. I’m open to some sort of provisional license that lets teens drive only to work and back in broad daylight, so long as they’re wearing a helmet, the gas pedal doesn’t go past 25 (who needs all that high-capacity acceleration?), and they have a big pizza delivery marquee strapped to the top of their dad’s car that says, “Sorry for coming after your guns.”
The lives of teenagers are spent doing mock versions of adult things to prepare them for life. School is a mock job where you have to learn how to tolerate the droning noise of some know-it-all who has ultimate power over your life, lecture endlessly about unimportant bullshit like new company-wide initiatives and sales goals and Beowulf and fractions. Dances are mock relationships to prepare you for the drudgery of doing mindless, expensive bullshit you don’t want to do in order to meet girls. And politics is supposed to be a study, where under-developed brains are trained how to think and balance emotion with logic, yielding to the wisdom of established tradition and law and proceeding the hypothesize change only when the former is fully understood, a process we call “reason”. The zeitgeist has been inverted though. The women in charge of teaching that to our children are at home at night flicking their beans over the traction of their hashtag and cuddling with boyfriend pillows in single apartments full of bullshit that might as well be 3D printed. Momentum is the only metric and the dumbest demographic in the world is calling the shots because they’ve got nothing better to do. I say we give them something to do. Get your cars back, kids! It will be a fun learning experience for them.
“My Journalist fet. Pim Tool” by Ken Doll in Hide.
“Africuck” by ChuckAndVee.
And “That One Acoustic 20 Million Song” by Myroom Records who currently has an album out now, “Too Small Of An Album”.
A thumbnail to lead us to the promised land by Call of the Deep, Andy Lee.