The Dick Show

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Losing the last ten pounds, the liquor sponge, the only gun argument you’ll ever need, robot racism, The Bagel Boss calls in to talk about his various altercations, more on the moron Perception Gap, food expiry dates are destroying half of our food, Nick Rekieta calls in to talk Vic Lasagna odds, how to dump your girlfriend after she gets cancer, how to out-religious your parents, how to start a cult, and the notorious Eggy White; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Nick Rekieta Lawyer and Dickhead Nick Rekieta breaks down Maddox's lolsuit, Patreon.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
The Bagel Boss The Bagel Boss. You know the one. Bagel Boss Video \| Twitter \| YouTube	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Egg White The one, the only, Egg White. Musician.Soundcloud \| Twitter	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
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Road Rage: Minneapolis is ready to fuck you in your ass August 17th at The Varsity theater in beautiful downtown or uptown or some kind of town Minneapolis Minnesota. There will be furries. There will be Racketeers. There will be a Nick-a-like contest so bring your shoe polish and show up early. I’m talking two days early. You don’t want to miss out on the pre-show bullshit. Get your tickets today, and see you there!

Also, I received a mystery box in the mail yesterday, and contained within were the Road Rage: Australia kangaroo shirts! I may have missed out on the experience of a lifetime in a foreign land full of hot women and hard drinkers, but hey, at least I finally got my Rosebud. There are a couple left, so I’m putting them up in the shop until they’re all out. Just because I’m an incompetent fuck up, doesn’t mean it’s not a dope-ass shirt.

Grab one while supplies last, but first…

We don’t have a gun control problem in the United States. We don’t have a mental illness problem in the United States. The only problem we have when it comes to mass shootings is that you can be sure I would absolutely stop one if it happened in my vicinity. I’m talking about if it happened around me, if I was in a mall or a theater or an airplane, I would subdue the perpetrator dead in their tracks–figuratively or literally–and stop the shooting from happening. That’s a guarantee.

I know what you might be thinking. Why do you need a 30-round capacity magazine for home defense? What’s the societal or moral reason why you should be allowed to have such a destructive weapon? But here’s what you’re missing. I would stop a mass shooting. 30-round magazine, 30,000-round magazine. I would stop it. And I urge you to do the same, which is brag endlessly about how you would stop a shooting no matter what, no matter when, no matter what sort of hangover state you were in–just as I would do. You have my word.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. The second amendment has nothing to do with self-protection in a conventional sense. It’s a defense against tyranny and a limitation of the power of the federal government. But here’s what your missing. Let’s say one of the videogames-addicted incels decides to shoot up a massage parlor or a strip club. I would drop everything without hesitation and leap over the stage. Perhaps I would scoop some glitter off a bitch and throw it in his eyes, blinding him so that I could Kung Fu chop the would-be assailant into another universe.

“Good night, bitch!” I would say. “Now somebody suck my cock.”

Australia: gun ban. Homicide rates. Racial, socio-economics. Videogames violence. These are all excellent points that we should have a conversation about, but what we are missing, and what we can all agree on right now is that let’s say I’m at a children’s hockey game, and some squad of terrorists roll up looking to cause mayhem with their automatic weapons. You can be sure that I would intervene and defeat the terrorists and take away their guns, by whatever means necessary.

At this time, I would like to reiterate that what I’m saying isn’t a threat. It’s a promise.

The only thing that beats nonsense is bigger nonsense.

“Kiwi Fruit” by Myroom Records