Episode 71 – Dick on Being Toxic


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Gun Week, Shark Week, why everything is “toxic”, GIF vs. JIF, give me a hobby or give me death, the gratuitous lols of online creeps, Schrödinger’s Racist, not taking chick sports reporters seriously enough, a flowchart of crappy gun arguments, the time I got Harvey Weinerstein’ed, Bill Guy the Science Dude is back, the lackluster money shot of a Rick and Morty finale, the Wheel of Fortune National Anthem, Maddox misses a trademark deadline, DickHead wedding invitations, a new way to talk to people, and the average man is illegal; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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ROAD RAGE: Los Angeles The City of Failure is this Friday and I won’t be sitting down all week as I work frantically to pull a show out of my ass! Larry will be there performing some erotic Karate–say that three times fast. Sean and Layc will be there getting cat-called. Randy will be there to hear your movie pitch, and remember he is a serious, big-time Hollywood talent agent, so don’t waste his time with the weirdest, grossest pitches you can think of which there will be a prize for. Kian Magana will be there to make you feel like less of a man with his stature and hair and wisdom. Denzel will be there and might bring a date, and if he does, don’t fuck it up for him! And the Enigma will be there in a bullet proof vest (I hope), and with a special prize for the intrepid listener who can survive his harrowing gauntlet of enigmas–it’s actually going to be a great prize, not like the bullshit The Enigma gave out in Philly. Plus check out these keychains fit for a king who caries his own keys around for some reason, made by Jim Schmatz! We’ll be giving them out in exchange for your tailures of failures at the show.

GET YOUR TICKETS if you haven’t, but first…

Someone should create a gun control board game so we can stop pretending that anyone is taking it more seriously than a round of “Uno”.

A national tragedy strikes! Whoever knows someone closest to the event plays the first card.

Sister: “I’ve got a you can’t politicize a national tragedy for at least 48 hours. Draw two cards!”

Brother: “Not so fast, sis! CNN reports that the gunman targeted the location because it was a gun free zone. I’m changing the argument type to Grandstanding!”

Dad: “Sorry, kids, but I’ve got a wild card: Fake News! It turns out the victims were all actually crisis actors hired by the Cryptocurrency Terrorist Group to de-stabalize the petrodollar. You both lose a turn!”

Mom: “Nice try honey, you stupid, fat TV dad idiot who can’t do anything right, you hen-pecked fuck. You limp-dicked cartoonish buffoon, but I’ve got a celebrity crying on television wild card! I win!”

All: “Good one, mom! Let’s play again!”

*Gun Control: The Game™ not sold in Australia or Europe

I go through a bunch of gun arguments from both sides that have made me a rage this week on today’s episode. I could retype them here, but I’m just going to leave it all in the field this week. Enjoy!

Savestate Corrupted sends in a theme for Bill Guy the Science Dude.

Thumbnail that may not increase in value or even retain its original value by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.

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