Bonus Episode 7 – Dick on Closing the Deal


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Asterios on the prowl, racing the cell phone, a threesome with a surprise ending, how to talk to girls in high school, toilet humor, advice for gingermen, Maddox’s $30,000 Spruce Goose, and closing the deal; all that and more on this bonus episode of The Dick Show!

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Asterios is in town for one-night only, and the only place you can see him is on the podcast where everything is a podcast, The Dick Show! Asterios and I pull ourselves from alcoholic slumbers and slough off our hangovers and regrets to chain smoke and regale you with a New Year’s bonus episode. If you watch the video, you can probably set a watch to our delirium tremens. We retell a scandalous story of Asterios’ goal-tending and love-texting, but first…

Submitted for your approval: New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day are opposite sides of the same coin: loving and fucking. V-Day is the Apollonian. Romance and commodity and bullshit; sweet poems and sweet words and sweet pretending that you don’t have a dick. New Year’s Eve is the opposite, the Dionysian, feeding the beast with bottomless liquor and dancing and then a desperate race against time to find someone–ANYONE, to cling to like a life raft by the time midnight hits because everyone is watching and being human is scary. On New Year’s Eve, the dick is king, everyone has a cock and everyone is swinging it. Two days with the same goal, but taking different routes.

In this bonus episode, we have three stories in that vein.

One. The Boisterous Greek’s latest debauch, luring a sweet, text-y young ingénue into his web with the help of a few tall tales from yours truly. I talk about racing the cell phone and present some useful strategies on closing the deal. Let me know if they work for you. I think I let Asterios down on this conquest, but we’re all making progress. That’s what’s important.

Two. Caller Barry brags about a real KNOCKOUT of a threesome with a story that sounds like a ransom letter glued together from old “Letters to Penthouse”, each paragraph more unbelievable than the last. Apparently, Barry fell ass backwards into a porno set this NYE, and the “small town” Asterios thinks he’s from is a little hamlet called New York City. Is his story true? I had my doubts until the punchline. People just can’t make up endings that good.

Three. And finally, how to get laid in high school. Young Matt, a free-styling, “ironic” rapper who won’t rap for us even though Asterios and I lay down some of the dopest and freshest acapella beats this side of Michael Windslow, asks for some Dick Tips on approaching girls, talking to girls, and dealing with rejection from girls. It’s a real trifuckta of a question and seventeen minutes of real talk that’s the most important thing you’ll ever learn if you’re still in high school. I’m thinking of turning it into a Ted Talk.

We end the episode with ten minutes of toilet talk in the form of your voicemails. If you think we’ve covered everything there is to rage about the toilet, you are mistaken. The struggle is eternal.

And very woke thumbnail by Brandon from Maximum! Panic. Check out his live stream to see how the sausage is made.