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“Winners Drink”, my new drinking card game ON SALE NOW, blown eulogies, how Nintendo has fucked us for years, a four-hour blunder over “the map says!”, football vs. video games, flavored vapes and fuck the children, the curse of the pinkie toe, The THOT Audit and Women: God’s Tax on Life, how to give a girl an eating disorder, chicks with guy friends, when to keep your mouth shut, Jurassic Park and a Vore fetishist, a man’s first time, Bleh Rodriguez calls in and giggles, Denzel vs. Peach Round 2, Sean’s drag queen persona, background checks for guns, and the restraining order transcript is on the way; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
 Bleh
Gender-swapped Dame Pesos. |
Is a Rage! Not a Rage. |
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Drinking games are fucked.
Unless you’re some kind of alcoholic super-Chad who shits frat parties or a walking rule book with a hard-on for moderation, drinking games are like a mother hen between you and your liquor. And worse yet, if you do manage to eek out a victory, it’s the LOSERS who get to drink! I’ve never understood that part about drinking games. Why do the losers get rewarded?
Fuck that shit. From now on, Winners Drink.
I’ve spent the last year creating this drinking card game “Winners Drink” centered around two of my three favorite things: drinking and arguing. I couldn’t find a way to cram blowjobs into a deck of cards. This game is made of the kind of shit that has gotten me kicked out of bars and started heated arguments with people over stupid shit and caused me to embarrass myself in front of women–and vice versa, so if you play this game, those things will probably happen to you.
For Christmas, I’m giving it to the world. If you’re a Patreoni, check your email or Patreon.com/TheDickShow. $20 Big Swingin’ Dick Patreonis should have a coupon code to get it for free and everyone has a coupon code for a discount. Get it for yourself, get one for the friend in your life who has everything, get one for your girlfriend or your mom, but be advised that it is very much Not Safe For Women. Hit up WinnersDrink.fun for more info and fuck Cards Against Humanity!
But first…
I have a confession to make. I was the victim of childhood sexual assault. I thought I’d moved past it, but because of another sexual assault that was done to me recently by the same individual, I’ve decided to speak out about it. Not for my own sake of course, but for the children who are currently and unknowingly putting themselves in a position to be similarly victimized–and for their children. Of course I’m talking about how Nintendo raped me as a child and continues to rape me and everyone else to this day and to eternity with their money-grubbing and bullshit.
Super Mario 2: rape.
R.O.B. the Robot: the deluxe rape package.
The Power Glove: lube up if you bought it because the only thing the Power Glove can do is make a fist and get shoved up your ass.
The ESRB: teaming up with the government and creating a license to rape.
And finally, Mario Party on the Switch not working with the full-body Nintendo controllers that cost like $70 and of course everyone has two of, but instead it only works with the crummy, brightly-colored detachable controllers on the side of the Switch that feel like shit in your hands, that you can’t tell where you’re holding them, that have all kinds of sharp edges and fucked buttons on the top you need a paperclip to press like you’re reseting an alarm clock or ejecting a broken CD drive. And of course the system only comes with two and who the fuck would have two extra ones lying around on accident or be able to buy more on Thanksgiving? So instead of playing Mario Party with the kids, you have to sit there with a carpal tunnel-inducing brick in your hand watching these little motherfuckers play like shit and put together virtual puzzles because children autistically play the same simple game over and over instead of the fun ones, while you choke on your PTSD.
That’s yet another rape of me by you, Nintendo, and this time I will not be silent. Time’s up!
I was silent when you repackaged the same old Nintendo games as something new time and time again and for each system–mostly silent–and then as kitschy stupid little emulators that didn’t even have as many games as they should have on them. I was silent when you licensed the rights for the Super Mario Brothers movie to a bunch of hacks and morons and let them shit right in my mouth. I even convinced myself that I liked it! It’s so good it’s bad, I said, and I continue doing so even to this day. I was silent with all your goddamn motion controls that are stupid and don’t look fun even on the commercials. Wii bowling was not fun, jumping around like a weird asshole and swinging your arms around like an ape until you accidentally bang them on the table is not fun or intuitive, fucking stop cramming gimmicky shit into what should be a simple transaction.
Fuck you, Nintendo. I’m calling the police.
“Last Laugh” by The Hard Men Working Hard.
A thumbnail that you shouldn’t let your kids see–apparently–by Miss Phase.
