Episode 154 – Dick on a Fat Load of Good

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The scope of the Sex Strike, the identity of Mental Health, Testifying against a murderer who studied the blade, looking fat on Twitch, dating older women, Porsalin calls in about his Sargon documentary, celebrating dad on Mother’s Day, compromising on the abortion issue, the worst part about having kids, the shocking gaps in the knowledge of adult women, and sagacious zu steals the Madcast Media subreddit; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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Road Rage: Vegas…is coming. I still don’t have a solid date, but the second I do, you’ll see it in the sidebar. As heard in today’s episode, I am aiming for June 22nd. Yes, it will be hot, but that only means the show will hotter, and the pool will be hotter, and the beer will be hotter–strike that last one. And the Madcucks will be hotter. More information coming soon! But first…

The Sex Strike, as I understand it, is like Emancipation Proclamation for conservative men; all slaves in states who are seceding from the union are now free. But what about the slaves in the states who don’t secede? We’re still gonna fuck them, obviously.

But this is a joke. In reality, Sex Strikes have worked for thousands of years and it would be folly to write them off. Those nice shoes in your closet that are uncomfortable as shit? Those are the result of a sex strike. Your job? Sex strike. Your best unspoken jokes withheld at that critical moment? Sex strike. Your house? Strike. Kids? Double strike. Your elongated lifespan, your pre-frontal cortex, dreams about your teeth falling out, thumbs, religion, the economy, art, art that sucks, alcohol, daytime television; sex strike, sex strike, sex strike. Even sex itself is the result of a sex strike–sometimes.

So it obviously works, and that means we need to get out in front of it before women figure that out.

This is strike busting 101, folks. We’ll need strike busters of course; muscular Pinkertons armed with abs and checkered pasts, gyrating and guy-rating their way through the mobs of striking women. This is in the name of reproductive rights. We’ll go after the easy marks first. The fat ones and the eldsters. Subsidizing sexuality in the name of progress. Catfishing squads, super-charged with Cialis and feminist rhetoric, swiping right faster than a drum roll and “love bombing” our enemies into submission.

Hold the power grid hostage? Food, television? Don’t be absurd. Sex striking women are obviously prepared to pay any price to get their precious abortions.

It’s all on us. We’ll have to shut off pornography to accomplish this. Broiling men’s brains in testosterone because they are sex-addled freaks. Actually, we’ll shut off everything. We will exist in a state of constant terror. Those who studied the blade will live like kings in this apocalyptic sex-topia. And the Chads and their Staceys will pay with their phony-ness and holy shit I just realized Alyssa Milano is the female Elliot Rodger. There are a lot of women who are the female Elliot Rodger.

Plan B. We’re going on an attention strike. The best part about the attention strike is that we’ve already been doing it for thousands of years.

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