Episode 210 – Dick on Calling the Police

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SWAT waiters, defunding the police, too much circle meat, old men falling down, Smash Brothers coaching, Black Lives Matter killed the COVID hoax, juggling two women, Xanax vs. crack cocaine, Maddox appropriate’s his ex-girlfriend’s culture of victimhood, Nickelodeon’s tutorial on breathing, wearing earrings wrong, women can’t do simple math, and not having an honest conversation about race; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The new-ish bonus episode is out now! We fix in a society, talk about your problems, watch Maddox’s slow descent either into or out of madness. I honestly can’t tell, but I love it either way. Check it out now before we do another one, and then you’ll be too far behind this intricately-woven serialized comedic narrative.

But first…

Disband the police! Get rid of them. I think that’s a statement all people who don’t live in areas with bars on the windows and have never run out of money on their EBT card can agree with. Who needs em! But we do need someone. What if protesting gets a little too real?

Where the police failed, the free market will provide! That’s why Amazon is here to bring you, Police Prime! Ten times the customer service; absolutely no racism at all within a margin of six sigmas–if you want private security with racism, call Uber! I think you know what I mean. “The Bezos Busters” as The Washington Post calls them, and what do they bust exactly? Hate and high prices–and Amazon is all out of high prices.

If you do not need Amazon’s Police Prime emergency services immediately, a $5 credit that can be used toward Amazon Music will be applied to your account. Amazon’s Police Prime can be dispatched to your location within 2 hours in select locations, or on your next Amazon Delivery Day, or you can visit a participating Amazon UPS Store. Insurance forms and Amazon Rape Kits will on hand for your convenience. Make sure you keep your QR code.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Not everything can just be replaced with insurance. Especially not human life. Once again, the free market has the answer in Apple’s Police P! The P stands for Plus.

Apple has partnered with Google and the CIA and the NSA to bring their spying technologies straight to your home. Why the fuck should the police wait for secret courts to approve the whereabouts of your missing wife and or daughter? Just let Apple’s Police Plus do it for you? And it’s all an App away. Don’t bother calling 9-1-1 like a grandma because Siri is always listening. In the event that your loved one’s Apple device has detected a murder or death or kidnapping or rape, a special U2 playlist will be deployed into your skull to calm you as the Apple Police Plus cybernetic-ally solve the crime. Apple has partnered with T-mobile, Best Buy, and Petsmart to dispatch deputies to their location.

Of course, I’m only joking. When people say, “defund” the police they simply mean restructure them in a way that eliminates or lessens the effects of institutionalized racism. You mean “listen” more. Listen to the complaints and concerns of idiots who can’t speak above a forth grade level, who can’t communicate without obscenity or screaming, and who can’t figure out if they have more shit in their mouths or their brains. Listen and then fix. Fix the police in the same way that you’ve fixed other problems like healthcare, public education, the Middle East, the opioid epidemic, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the wage gap, homelessness, hunger, kids getting raped in church.

If you’re not committing any crimes, you have no reason to fear the police. But you do have reason to fear everyone else.

Legalize drugs. Legalize prostitution. Cancel child support if you’re under the poverty line. End the DEA. End occupational licensing. End the ATF. End the Fed. And that’s the end of racism, because it’s not about black and white, it’s about green and red. The 1% is in the green and everyone else is fighting over scraps. None of this shit is hard to do, but we’re a nation of petty, moralizing tyrants raised by television and fear and women, and by the time this fix rocket needs a course correction, we will have long forgotten about it.

So aim high, friends! Raise the signal of awareness. Get estimates! Estimates of the effects of the drugs. Of the hooking. Of the choice. Get estimates of the consequences of the choices we might make. Measure twice, cut once. A stitch in time. A fuck in dumb.

All we had to do was wash our hands more and legalize heroin, but we fucked it all up.

“Sean Jam” by MC MC, Savestate Corrupted, and Man of Cyprus

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