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The Burning Dick festival, Vito is a hoarder, an inconvenient drug overdose, love in the time of masks, random construction, Tik Tok vs. The NSA, Protestors blocking landlords, individuals with cervixes, the birth of Maddilox, a true ghost story, women and “rebound” relationships, a guy in search of a beard, and a Chainlink millionaire; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
 Vito
A typical neckbeard. The guy who vaped Belle Delphine's bathwater. |
Is a Rage! Not a Rage. |
 Cantillions
Titanic Prankster. Co-host of the Chris Cant Cast. |
Is a Rage! Not a Rage. |
 MAZ
Artist. Humble Meme Farmer. Virtuodome |
Is a Rage! Not a Rage. |
 Chainlink GodBuy chainlink now or stay poor forever. |
Is a Rage! Not a Rage. |
| See All Co-Hosts | |
Chainlink is up about 15% since we recorded this episode, so if you didn’t watch us live, you missed out on the investment opportunity of a lifetime: infinity money. The Burning Dick Festival, however, you haven’t missed out on. More details to come on that one. I figure we’ll cobble something together for October, see how it goes, and then do something more organized next year–unless we’re all dead from mask acne and murder suicides. Also, look for a new crossover episode with Krazy Karl from “Who Are These Podcasts?” this week at Patreon.com/TheDickShow. I think we’re going to do a herpes podcast or a podcast about fat chicks dieting, but first…
Jeff Bezos is the American Jesus and there is nothing I want more in life than to suck his cock.
He was born to a donkey from one of those Mexican donkey show and a cardboard cutout of Joe Namath. The cardboard cutout left he and his mother when he was only ten seconds old. Jeff remembers his father’s last words to him as he slid under the door.
“Billionaires shouldn’t exit, son. And you don’t deserve any contracts from the Pentagon.”
Jeff remembers those words to this day. The next day, Jeff’s mother was hit by a drunk driver when she was trying to mail insulin to her mother. He was only a day old, but it was then that Jeff Bezos became dedicated to safe and cost-effective package delivery.
He immediately bought a diaper business and sold everything for like two cents to drive all other diaper companies out of business. “Now I can charge whatever I want,” he said, and he did and this was good because it’s capitalism. Doesn’t his cock sound amazing?
Jeff Bezos next patented taking a shit. It was his diapers you were shitting in after all, and his formula. He also sued tits because they introduced an element of customer confusion in the marketplace and threatened his monopoly on baby formula. The Supreme Court or whoever it was agreed because they’re all a bunch of fucking morons trying to look clever. Just look at their pictures. Every fucking time a Supreme Court Justice is photographed, they look like the biggest cunt on Earth. It’s like they’re having a contest.
Jeff’s One-Shit Patent made him so much money that he was able to compete for government contracts. His first big break was in government chastity belts–because of his experience in diapers, get it? He made iron underpants for the government for a recently passed A.N.T.I.R.A.P.E. bill that banned everyone in America from having sex more than three times a day. “Why would you need to have sex more than three times a day?” people said. People actually said it. They would say it with confidence. They would say it with disdain! Like you were the moron. Some smart guy made an artificial intelligence computer around that time, but it exploded because it couldn’t calculate how fucking dumb people were who could say something like that.
“Why would you need to have sex more than three times a day? DOES NOT COMPUTE!”
And then it fucking exploded. Obviously, I’m talking about data privacy or whatever, not sex.
Anyway, Jeff Bezos did so much other amazing stuff, which is more or less using computers to control inventory and fucking other companies out of business, which is capitalism apparently. Apparently, capitalism exists in a world where the government has a patent and property system that they enforce under penalty of death. Sounds like fucking capitalism to me all right! One gigantic telecom company subsidized by the government that our entire communications network runs through and that has no competitive pricing. Yeah, that’s competition to a T. That’s a free market if I’ve ever heard of one. Delivery vans that operate for free on an interstate highway system you and I paid for. Sure. Put a gun in the back of the head of a competitor, rape them with legal fees in court until they’re standing over the corpse of their angel investors–but hey, that’s a “free market”!
Finally, one day, Jeff Bezos got a knock at the door from the NSA.
“We’d like to suck your cock,” they said.
“Awesome. I’ve never had my cock sucked before,” Jeff Bezos said. And all of Congress was there lined up too, and a bunch of dumb fuck right-wing journalists. It was a real tear-jerker. And they finally sucked his cock. Or maybe it was Microsoft or Facebook. Who fucking cares. Tax them now, tax them hard, don’t stop until they’re crying. Eat the rich.
“Hollywood Military” by the Hard Men Working Hard.
