Episode 222 – Dick on the Malarkey-archy

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Breaking my foot while camping, declaring girlfriend bankruptcy, risking your life for low financing, the sports of riots and political theater, bravely running away, I am Jesus, Carl gets on meds, ToS acceptable memories, Black Panther dies and I don’t care, Empire shuts down, 6% of COVID deaths, sister brain surgery, what types of guns to get, and Captain Insano getting kicked out of Walmart for farting; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Blacklight Sparkle
Really didn't want to go to Bible Camp. Twitter.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Captain Insano
Kicked out of Walmart for farting.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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The Criminalize Sobriety shirts have shipped! If you didn’t get yours, please send me an email. I have a stack of extras that I’ll be holding onto until they all get sorted out, and then I’ll throw them on the store at $TSLA prices. You snooze you loose! I’ll put another shirt up on the store next week just as soon as I figure out which one.

And here is the brain surgery for Lauren Go Fund Me we talked about on the show. I’m putting it above the writeup because I’m such a good person. Donate to it! But first…

It’s your civic duty to protect your community. Your Honda Civic Duty, on sale now at You Bet Your Life Auto during this special Memorial Day weekend SALES BONANZA. Honor the blood of better men than you who birthed this country from literally Hitler–even though it would probably be the exact same country if no one had done shit…

How exactly would America be different without the Revolutionary War? It’s not like England could have policed this shit in the 1800s. The Whiskey Tax was more than the Stamp Act. I didn’t look that up, but does it matter? How much is the fucking Payroll Tax!? The parts of the Bill of Rights that haven’t been traded for cryptographically guaranteed Terms of Service violations are legally and practically invalid in any sense of the word. You have a microphone in your house and the NSA knows what the underside of your dick looks like. Do you?

But who cares! The only thing that matters is low, low financing and historically great deals on your brand new Honda Civic Duty. Buy the fucking car. Buy or Die this Memorial Day and remember that even if you don’t get your full week of fame for it, we own the bank. And that means we can offer you low, low financing and a once-in-a-lifetime APR. We will repossess your shit the second you fall behind in payments. Someone whose truck will be similarly repossessed if they are found to be in non-compliance with their community will do this service for free.

You don’t need this car.

Don’t have time for this shit? Don’t worry, we’ll download it into your fucking brain. The hive mind is real. The memories are fake. Buy $TSLA. Rick and Morty is now the seventh biggest company in the world.

Crack shot thumbnail by Mint Salad.