Meeting the Dogs-Elect, Patty C-cups: Karl’s Bananadox, venture communism, money as an abstraction of values, getting set up by mom, weaponized ignorance, Lowtax sells Something Awful, Ticketmaster requires vaccine IDs, a quarter of women don’t know where their vagina is, the 5% Work From Home tax, eating inside outside, and national holidays for drug dealers; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
|Karl from Who Are These Podcasts?
Host of "Who Are These Podcasts?", professional podcast critic, Bills fan.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
Co-host of Murder the Internet, Creator of Something Awful
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
|See All Co-Hosts|
Road Rage: Tampa tickets are on sale now at tampa.dick.show! With lockdowns and mask mandates imminent, and war with Syria and Russian and Iran on the horizon, and the ensuring riots that will take place if America’s Political Science majors don’t get their student loans canceled on January 21st, so they can spend more money on new car loans and Frappuccinos…this very well might be the last show on Earth. Fucking be there!
It’s a matter of extra blood. How much extra blood are you carrying around and can we have some of it?
You won’t miss it. Look, you’re working from home now. You are using less of your own blood than you ever have before, and all we’re asking for is to borrow a little bit of it and put it in the blood bank. You’ll still have access to it when you need it. We have federal organizations that will insure that. You’re actually wasting blood by not handing it over!
What do you even need all that extra blood for anyway. In the future, people won’t even have blood, and they’ll love it! They’ll be happy! How many times have you cut yourself and bleed all over the place? The cut isn’t even so bad, it’s just the mess of the blood spraying everywhere, and then you have to find a bandaid. Who even keeps bandaids in their house?
Actually, we don’t need your blood anymore. We’ve created a blood investment opportunity to harvest blood from incoming college students by selling blood futures to the Chinese in exchange for non-dismissible, interest-accruing blood commitments. Not everyone is as selfish as you. We’ll use the stockpile of these extra blood bonds to finance disruptive blood industries. Did you know that bugs offer a perfectly acceptable alternative to blood that is actually healthy? It’s that green goo that comes out of them. Wouldn’t you like to have green goo in your body instead of blood and maybe grow wings? Experts in bug blood hybridization say that’s not impossible.
Remember futurists? That was the beginning of what memetic historians will call the age of the fourth generational retards.
Experts in science–not just scientists, experts in the future as it shrinks from hundreds of years to just two weeks. Experts by consensus.
The entities of blood disruption we have created will harvest extra blood by the demographic. Your blood will be rendered obsolete. You won’t even be able to give it away! Guess you should have sold it while you had the chance.
All of these non-dismissible, interest-accruing blood commitments failed to pan out. We’re going to need your extra blood after all. We’re not asking this time. Don’t worry, experts say you make 5% extra blood every year, so really what’s the issue?